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[Meatwad has placed numerous eyes in his head
: Look at me, I'm Shaun Cassidy! Master Shake
: Ha! Good one. What the hell are you talking about? Meatwad
: Well, you know, he was a Hardy boy, and they was private eyes... plus, he had like ten eyes in his head.
: Go fart yourself.
: Fudge you, butthole.
: Well, he ain't gonna poop in the yard. I mean, he'll go inside to do that. Frylock
: Not if his door's locked.
: I just can't go, you know, with people watching. Master Shake
: We don't need a toilet. The pile of clothes in the hallway has worked fine for us for years, and it will continue to work.
: [after placing Carl's head on the machine
] I give you the ultimate in military hardware! Complete with laser cannon, indestructible titanium exoskeleton, and motion activated plasma pulse rifles. Master Shake
: And you're gonna plug him in? Frylock
: You're right. Damn, what the hell was I thinking? Meatwad
: Fudge. Frylock
: That's not an F-bomb. Meatwad
: Fudge you.
: I'm gonna start dropping F-bombs. Listen to this: Fart you, fart head.
: [after having stolen Carl's pornography collection and dresser
] This pornography is infinitely excellent. This dresser, however, is not. Burn it, Meatwad. Err
: Yeah, burn it! Meatwad
: But that's where Carl keeps his clothes! Ignignokt
: These women don't have any clothes on, and they seem happy. Err
: Yeah, they're kissin' each other! Ignignokt
: And you want Carl to be forever kissed, don't you?
[looking at porn
: Oh man, you gotta check this out. Meatwad
: Oh yeah baby, that's a neat car she's washing. You think that's a straight 6? Err
: I think I have a straight 6. Ignignokt
: Ooooo. Err, your sexual innuendo is priceless.
: Hey you guys, did you say that it would be easy to get whatever I want, like a ten speed, because that's what I really want. Ignignokt
: Getting it is easy. Filling it with illegal substances and sending it across the border is not. Err
: Yeah, see, those dogs, they can smell ANYTHING. So you gotta kick 'em in the throat. Meatwad
: Well hey now, guys, look. I do not want to do anything illegal here... but I would kill somebody... in front of their own mama... to get a ten speed. And if any witnesses testify against me, I'll gouge their eyes out.
: Come on, Meatman. Let's go break the law to fulfill your primitive needs. Meatwad
: Well, I don't think so. Last time you were here you threw me at an old lady's mailbox and you made me moon Boy Scout Troop No. 324. Err
: Ha ha, ha ha! We did! Ignignokt
: Well... this time we won't. Meatwad
: Okay, cool. Let me just get my keys.
: Ya all have any eggs? Shake
: I don't know guys. Lemme check. Err
: 'Cause I'm totally gonna mess someone's house up! Ignignokt
: Yes, eggs or pot... either one. Meatwad
: Hey, ah, Frylock, do we have any pot? Frylock
: No, we don't! Marijuana is illegal. Err
: What about nitrous, man? Ignignokt
: Shut up, Err.
: Hell yeah, I'm a dirty white boy! I'm a lean mean ground beef machine!
: [In front of a closet that has a sign that says "WARNING! DO NOT ENTER!
] Carl, in here, no one won't ever think to look in here.
[Opens the door to reveal a pink intestinal-like surface with a gaping black hole
: No one won't ever want to get near here. Carl
: You, uh, you sure about this? Meatwad
: Aww, just do it.
[Master Shake pushes Carl in and closes the door. A second later, the door opens up again, and Carl comes flying out of the closet screaming
: Whoops, my bad. Frylock
: [angrily closing the door
] I told y'all: this closet is not to be opened, it is a horrible horrible place in there! Meatwad
: Well there's a knob there. Frylock
: Why do you think I put the sign there? You think I was being cute? Meatwad
: I don't know.
: Hey y'all, look at this! Just rip it and win!
[rips the bottom off his cup, spilling soda everywhere
: Oh what'd you win Meatwad? Meatwad
: [holding the bottom of his cup excitedly
] 20 cents off my next Wasabi fries, all right! You see, they fill the fries with wasabi sauce through hot tubs of meat... Frylock
] I know Meatwad, I know! I saw the ad too. Meatwad
: Yeah, and they're good too! Frylock
: Yeah, I'm sure they're not. Meatwad
: [to Mastershake
] Do yours, rip it and win! Master Shake
: [knocks over his 85-gallon cup of soda, which sends Meatwad flying out of the shot. He then rips off the bottom of his cup
] 20 cents off the next order of wasabi fries! Meatwad
: You see, they fill the french fry up with wasabi sauce, and... Master Shake
: Yeah, we know ok? We know! Meatwad
: See what you win Carl! Carl
: [rips off the bottom of his cup and reads slowly
] Uh... tonight you will get your dick ripped off.
: That doesn't sound right does it?
: [a Wongburger commercial is being shown on Master Shake's television
] Just grab the bottom of the cup, rip it and win!
[rips off the bottom of the cup and soda pours out
] Commerical Voiceover
: Prizes include a new car, or a discount on teriyaki fries! At Wongburger's, when it's right, it's Wong!
[spoken quickly as a crawl runs quickly on the screen
] Commerical Voiceover
: Some customers may get their dicks ripped off. Carl
: Right there! Right there, did you hear that? Meatwad
: Yeah, about them teriyaki fries? Carl
: No no no no no, the last part, the low fast part! Rewind, go back! Meatwad
: We ain't got no Tivo, see. Master Shake
: That was live Carl. Meatwad
: But we can still go back, with power of imagination! Master Shake
: I like the way you're thinking, go get your puppets! Meatwad
] Master Shake
: This is gold!
[Meatwad takes a few minutes to get his puppets, and Carl, Master Shake, and Frylock exchange glances while music from the TV plays until Meatwad returns with a pair of crude puppets made from a sock and an oven mitt
] Master Shake
: Alright, let's go. Meatwad
: [with the puppets
] Just grab the bottom of the cup, rip it and win! Prizes include a new car, or a discount on teriyaki fries! At Wongburger's, when it's right, it's Wong!
[pauses, than says quickly
: Some customers may get their dicks ripped off. Carl
: I friggin knew he said that! I KNEW he said that! Meatwad
: What, about the teriyaki fries?
: Hang on hang on hang on. I have a better plan. Meatwad, you've got a big dick right? Meatwad
: Oh yeah, huge. But I need it...
: ... for tonight! Frylock
: But it's detachable, and that helps us! Master Shake
] No! No way I am having a dick made of hamburger! Frylock
: I'm not giving it to you! Master Shake
: Good! Cuz I don't need it! Cuz I'm HUGE... between the legs! Meatwad
: Who wants to see my dick?
[sounds of meat being pressed together are heard, while Frylock, Master Shake, and Carl bug their eyes out
: See, Dick Nixon!
[Meatwad has transformed into a statue of Abraham Lincoln holding a sword
: Ol' Tricky Dick!
: [wearing a surgical mask
] You can get up now Carl, I think we're done. Carl
] Oh man... Frylock
: Feel alright? Carl
: Where'd you get these painkillers from? They're awesome! Frylock
: Yeah maybe you should... just like... use pills forever. Carl
: [the camera zooms up Carl's body, revealing him to be looking in a mirror while dressed in women's clothing, wearing nails and a wig, and with a scar near his forehead while sexy music plays
] Yeah you're right. This was a very bad idea. Master Shake
: Hey Carlina, wow! Carl
: Oh yeah, I get it. Yeah, you put me under, dressed me as a woman, took pictures of me. Laugh's on me, huh? Frylock
: Well no Carl, see heh, you're not just dressed like a woman. Carl
: Oh do go on, please! Frylock
: Well, it's pretty simple really. I removed your dick so no one will have no need to remove it! Carl
: So the blood stain
[on his crotch
: is just... what is that me having my period I guess? Heh heh heh... Frylock
: Well it could be, or it could just be the spot where I snipped your dick off... Meatwad
: You're taking pretty good Carl. Kudos. Carl
: Seem like this whole thing kinda defeats the purpose, ya know? Frylock
: Yep, and what I just did was a very bad idea. Carl
: Ya think maybe I could have my dick back? Oh wait, you know what? Maybe you should keep my dick, so you could uh... hump yourself!
] Master Shake
: Technically that would not be doing yourself, just for the record.
: Hey Carl look at this. Why you can still pick your dick out of the garbage! Carl
: [shot of Carl's dick in the garbage
] Is that it? Is that mine? Course it is, it's got that curve to the left.
: [Meatwad just won tickets to the Super Bowl in a bag of chips
] Give me those! Those are mine, I won them! Meatwad
: I bought the bag! I get the bag and everything inside the bag! Master Shake
: And you have the bag.
[Puts Meatwad into bag
] Master Shake
: Look, you're a deep sea diver. Go drink some salt water. Frylock
: Shake, Meatwad bought the chips. The tickets are his. Master Shake
: [hits wall
] Well, is that right? Frylock
: Yeah, that's right. Master Shake
: Well, no one escapes the... from... the... Alcatraz!
[Shake buys Meatwad a moped to get him to take him to the Superbowl
] Master Shake
: Hey, look who just got a mini-bike! Meatwad
: Look who just insulted me with this ten-horsepower piece of crap. You think I'm a child? Master Shake
: Don't look at the streamers, look at the frame. This is a man's bike. Meatwad
: Keep her cranked. Let me go get my dolly.
: [Meatwad has just described his trip to the Super Bowl, which sounds really similiar to that of taking a trip to a farm
] Yep, Super Bowl's are fun. We got bragging rights this year! Number one... Master Shake
: Who? Meatwad
: Number one! Master Shake
: Who? Who's 'Number one'? Meatwad
: I dunno... Master Shake
: YOU DON'T KNOW? Because you went to a fucking FARM you fucking imbecile! Get back here, you cost me my one chance! I got fucking DIABETES and CANCER because of you!
: Who, who's number one? Meatwad
: I don't know. Master Shake
: You don't know, because you wouldn't blew a f***ing fine you f***ing imbusule, come back here you cost me my one chance! I got f***ing diabetes and cancer because of you.
: You lookin' for somethin'? Meatwad
: Just everlasting peace.
: Yeah, that'd be fun... if I was stupid.
: I wanted a bunny rabbit, I was gonna name it Nathan... that's Latin for 'warm' by the way... Nathan Scott Phillips.
: Hey Frylock, look! Me and Nathan are cuddlin', on the inside.
: Oh shut up, you drunk! Meatwad
: Oh, so you just decide that I'm drunk? You can't decide. I make that decision.
: [Frylock's Nightmare
] You killed us! I told you not to do it but you did it!... Anyways! Frylock
: No! No, I didn't! Master Shake
: Yes, you did. Frylock
: No, I didn't! Carl
: YOU DID! Meatwad
: YES YOU DID! Frylock
: No... I didn't. Master Shake
: Wait a minute, did you just to say that you did, because that's what you did. Frylock
: No, I didn't! Meatwad
: BUT YOU DID!
: [dragging a ridiculously long box into the house
] Hey, Meatwad! Your birthday rabbit came! Meatwad
: Well, where is it? Lemme see! Wow... must be a really big bunny! Master Shake
: Sure is!
[grunts and struggles to get the box inside
: Hurry up! I ain't got all day! Master Shake
: [stops andstarts pushing the box back outside
] No. No, I don't think so... Meatwad
: Hey, now! Wait a minute! Master Shake
: ...because you seem to think I'm some kind of slave now, is that it? Meatwad
: I'm sorry, you can bring the bunny rabbit in here. Now, I need it! Master Shake
: And you can have it! It's *your* snake! Meatwad
] My snake? But... Master Shake
: Snake... Meatwad
: But you said you got me a rabbit. Master Shake
: ...rabbit. Yes, well... why don't you look inside the box first instead of flying off the handle like this? Meatwad
: [opens box and a snake slithers out
] That ain't no damn bunny rabbit! Master Shake
: Well, whaddya know? It's a snake!
: I just put it in there to get you excited about your real dinner... this... uh... celery stalk right here. Mm! Meatwad
: Well, it ain't workin'. Now, if you expect me to eat this, you gonna have to supply me with some wing sauce. Frylock
: How about a twist of lemon? Meatwad
: How about a twist of I gouge your mother fuckin' eyes out? Get me the Goddamn wing sauce!
[Meatwad is power-walking
: Hey, Carl. How's it going? Carl
: Hey, what? Meatwad
: I'm just power-walkin'. Carl
: What are you friggin' doing that for? You're just gonna die.
: I'm tired of this diet. Can't eat what I want. What's the point of livin'? Master Shake
: There isn't any... hold my gun for me, will ya?
: [being handed a celery stick by Frylock
] If I'm gonna eat this thing, then I'm gonna require some wing sauce to accompany it. Frylock
: Well, how about a twist of lemon instead? Meatwad
: How about a twist of I-gouge-your-motherfucking-eyes-out? Now gimme the goddamn wing sauce!
: But I want lips like the tomb raider. I got nothing. Flat lips. They ain't sultry. Master Shake
: [appearing with a funnel cake stand
] Funnel cakes! Get your hot funnel cakes here! Meatwad
: Funnel cakes! Master Shake
: Funnel cakes from the tomb raider! Master Shake
: Do you have to fry those here, Shake? Master Shake
: Yeah, I do.
] Master Shake
: Who's ready? Someone must be ready for a funnel cake! I wish I could find someone!
: Where do you think our TVs come from? Master Shake
: Jesus? Meatwad
: No. It's Santa Claus. Master Shake
: It's the same thing. Meatwad
: No, it ain't. And I should know. I'm Jewish.
: From this day forward.
: What the...? This closet used to be full of TVs! Meatwad
: Cause you keep breaking them. Shake
: Cause you keep pissing me off!
: Hey, you're on the TV! Master Shake
: Yeah, I know. This is my sitcom... Evil TV Shake
: I'm in your house! Master Shake
: ...With the science fiction, horror twist.
Psychotic TV Frylock
: [during Shake's sitcom
] I'm the one who's sorry, OK? I'm sorry I made the cheerleading squad and you didn't.
[Audience members say "awwwwwwwwwwww!"
] Evil TV Shake
: It's OK. You were the better cheerleader. Psychotic TV Frylock
: Well, I wasn't no slouch. Didja see me do those cartwheels?
] I identify with that. Evil TV Shake
: OK, OK, don't rub it in...
] And there's the zinger... Psychotic TV Frylock
: OK, then how about I blow it in?
] Evil TV Shake
: Wha -
: I'm not in the business of seeing whatever pleases you! Meatwad
: Well I'm in business.
[under his breath
: Business of kicking your ass, and let me tell ya, business is booming. I'm open for business, business of giving you the business... up your butt. Meatwad
: [Meatwad looks up and sees Master Shake with a baseball bat
] Did you hear me say that? Master Shake
: You looking to expand your business? Meatwad
: [runs away
] Business is closed!
: [upon seeing Carl's body ripped from his skeleton
] Oh my God, Carl!
: Where did you get that lollipop?
: Now this square is the... man. Meatwad
: Ok. Master Shake
: This circle here, that's a uterus. Meatwad
: That's what it looks like? Master Shake
: Up close yes this is lifelike drawing of the uterus. See the guy takes the car after his job to pick up the uterus at her house... Meatwad
: Mmhmm. Master Shake
: because she doesn't work unless she's sweeping up something. Meatwad
: Wel... and where do they go? Master Shake
: All the way... to a hotel... which definitely has cable... and that's where this trapezoid becomes hmm shall we say... hahaha entangled with the exposed and aerated crotches. Meatwad
: And that there is the exposed crotches? Master Shake
: I told you that's the chair and the spatula. Meatwad
: I knew it. Master Shake
: Congratulate yourself my friend... you have just been laid. Meatwad
: Ooh... that feels good. Master Shake
: Yeah, I never tire of it.
] Show me how to get some pythons like... Chief Wahoo McDaniel.
[Meatwad is putting on a rock concert in the front yard
: [pointing to his dolls
] And we got all these in tune, right? Tell me these are in tune. Frylock
: Yeah... they're dolls. Meatwad
: Well, shoot... are they in tune?
[the Aqua Teens have been visited by a robotic turkey from the future
: I think he's crazy. Master Shake
: No, I really think he's from the year 9595! Meatwad
: Yeah, me too. Master Shake
: Did you listen to his story? Meatwad
: I did. And it checks out.
: [praying at the Thanksgiving dinner
] Lord, we thank you for the fellowship that we... Meatwad
: Wait... what's a fellowship? Master Shake
] It's a gay bar down on 9th! Are you thanking the Lord for our nautically-themed gay bar? Frylock
] For the fellowship that we share with our neighbor Carl! Carl
: [outside by the window
] Oh, no! Do *not* include me in this! The Lord does *not* need to know that I am here!
: Oh, hi Carl! Carl
: Is that all you came to say? We, uh, we done here?
: Is that taco pie? Meatwad
: Mmm-hmm. Turkatron
: Taco pie! Meatwad
: I added food coloring because it's a holiday. But it turned black, because I added all the food coloring I had. Then I ate this butter straight out of the tub, because it tastes good. There's a reason behind everything.
: Hell no, that sumbitch had an axe!
: Don't you touch those! They're in mint condition, and they're gonna stay that way! Meatwad
: I'll touch 'em all the way to the trash can is what I'll do... Master Shake
: You touch those and your G.I. Joes are gonna be M.I.A. my friend! and then who's gonna call Little Momma Joe, to tell her that her boy ain't coming home? Cause SOMEBODY was asleep on guard duty!
: That's... the Broodwich! Meatwad
: The boob witch? Frylock
: No no, Meatwad, the Broodwich, the Broodwich! Meatwad
: Wait... wait, say what? Frylock
: Broodwich! Meatwad
: The Blair Witch is here? Frylock
: No no, the Broodwich! Master Shake
: I'll tell you what it is, friends... it's shut up and let me eat it.
: [Meatwad flashes back from the Broodwich realm
] Hey! How'd you like Mr. Sticks? He was a real treat wasn't he? Meatwad
: Yeah Jerry says you guys had a little run in, but he's a decent guy once you get to know him. Master Shake
: *Bullcrap!* I know that guy was all over you with his axe! Meatwad
: Nah, that don't sound like Jerry. Now the Jerry I know took me to Merry Christmas. Meatwad
] Which is a strip club! Merry Triple-X-mas... you see what I'm sayin'? You see what I'm sayin'? Master Shake
: Gimme that sandwich!
[gobbles the Broodwich and disappears
: Wow, so you're saying it was fun? Meatwad
: Hell no! That sumbitch had an axe!
: I thought you said TV was bad! Frylock
: Oh, I know. But we f*cking need it.
: Shake, did you hear those chains rattling? Master Shake
: Oh, did that frighten YOU? Hey, check this out!
[the Universal Remonster throws a chain into Meatwad's room
: AHHHHHHHH! no, the chains! FROM MY DREAMS!
: [after being terrorized by Shake using the Remonster to thrash all his stuff around
] Hey, did y'all see a ghost pass through here? 'Cause I been hoping like hell that he's gone... Master Shake
: He probably went to the store to get some more food for his demons. Meatwad
: Ohh, are you serious? Master Shake
: You DO know where the demon food store is, right? Meatwad
: What are you talking about? Master Shake
: It's right BEHIND YOU! Meatwad
] OHHHHH NOOO! Master Shake
: You're IN IT! Meatwad
: I'M IN THE STORE? Master Shake
: You're in the demon produce aisle!
[Meatwad runs screaming from the house
: Oh, no, the chains! From my dreams!
: I hear the sounds of wings on the roof. It's the Tooth Fairy. Master Shake
: What, is she coming for your one tooth? She won't, since I'm gonna kick it outta your head while you're asleep.
[Meatwad starts crying
: Hey, which one of y'all left the door open?...
: ...And tore it off the hinges, and threw it in the yard?
: [the Teens come home to find Mothmonsterman on thier couch watching TV
] Oh hey. Where you guys been? Master Shake
] Memphis. Mothmonsterman
: Really? Master Shake
: Yes! Mothmonsterman
: That's awesome! How was it? Master Shake
: [suddenly friendly
] Oh it was great! They light up the bridge, and we had fried catfish. Meatwad
: When did you have fried catfish?
: It's the tooth fairy, tryin' to beat it's way in!
: He needs his brain or else he's just going to float around saying 'do what now.' Meatwad
: Do what now?
[Balloonenstein, a huge balloon is causing an electric storm in the sea. Frylock and Meatwad are trying to destroy it
: Look. I need to remove your brain so I can create a cavity in you so you can float. Then all I need you to do is roll around in this broken glass for a little bit.
: C'mon, it'll be fun! Meatwad
: WHAT ARE YOU TALKING ABOUT? Hell, no!
[Frylock removes his brain
: Oh. I mean, okay!
: [sending Master Shake to the supermarket
] You better run, boy! And bring back some chocolate syrup, too. Or your fate is sealed.
: I don't know if I can sleep anymore. You ever been raped by a dog? Meatwad
] Nuh uh. Carl
: See, I think that's what hell is like. You know, constantly raped by dogs.
[Frylock and Meatwad are creating a dog in Carl's pool
: Oh, is this your pool? Carl
: Yeah, it is! Meatwad
: Can I go swimming? Carl
: No, you may not. Master Shake
: How about me? Carl
: No! Frylock
: Well, do you mind if we make a dog in it? Carl
: Yeah, I do mind. Very much, if that's cool. Frylock
: C'mon Carl. You haven't been using it. Carl
: That's not the point. Master Shake
: He will very soon! Carl
: Just because I ain't been usin' it, that doesn't mean like, "Here, turn it into a dog laboratory."
: There's a Handbanana! Good boy! Carl
: Oh, he's not a boy anymore. He's a man. CAUSE HE JUST RAPED ME!
: [after noticing Carl is a rattlesnake from the hips down
] So, should we tell him? Frylock
: No, just leave it to Shake, he'll know exactly what to say. Shake
: [while snickering
] Carl... What the hell happened to you? Carl
[notices he is part rattlesnake
: Oh, God!
: Oh, here's another idea. Hell no.
: Do you know what time it is, huh? It's 2:30 in the afternoon, and people are trying to sleep -
[pauses, looks to Frylock, then The Mummy, then back to Frylock
: ... Whose mummy? Frylock
: I found it in the crawlspace. Shake
] So YOU were the one doing all the moaning when I was trying to sleep, huh? The Mummy
: Hee hee hee hee haaaaa. Frylock
: Shake, you don't want to piss him off. He has the power to curse you. Meatwad
] Do it, Shake. Piss him off. Shake
: I'LL DO WHAT I WANT, WHEN I WANT, AND HOW I WANT. And no Mummy - you hear me, Band-Aid? ... Meatwad
: [as swirls form around the Mummy
] Oh damn, here it comes. Shake
: - NO MUMMY - is going to tell ME what TO DO! The Mummy
: [rises off of the chair
] Curse... CURSE... CURRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSE!
[falls back down
: ...Ohhh, damn. Shake
] You done? We all done here? The Mummy
: [rises up again
] CURRRRRRRRRRRRRSSSSSSSSSE! Shake
] Oh, are you DONE? The Mummy
: [growling, falls back down
] Yessssssssss. Shake
: Good! Because I am "done" listening to you! I've got a curse for you, it's called "tomorrow morning, your ass is outta here". I'm going back to bed. The Mummy
] currrrsssse... Shake
] I HEARD IT ALREADY! I KNOW! IT'S A FRICKIN' CURSE!
: Could you please shut up, Meatwad? Meatwad
: Huh-uh. I got a lot to say.
: Is that what I think it is? Frylock
: It's an N.S.T., a Neural Speech Transmitter. Meatwad
: No, huh-uh. its my B.N.C.S. My Brushed Nickel Colander, Stupid. Now take them wires off there and give it back, I need to drain my spaghetti. Frylock
: Meatwad, you don't cook, you sleep in this thing. Meatwad
: Shut up, you got fetishes!
: I rule you! Meatwad
: Frylock, he says he rules us! Frylock
: That's it mister! Time out for you! Travis
: Oh, damn. Frylock
: What did I just hear you say? Meatwad
: I heard him, he said "damn," dammit. Only adults like us are allowed to say damn, bitch-ass, and hell. So get your hellin', damnin' ass back in that bitching damn room, dammit. Frylock
: [gives Meatwad angry look
: What? Damn, I was just helping you out, bitch.
: [Typing on the computer
] Search for "tooth and plaque conspiracy..."
] Master Shake
: and "Metallica." Meatwad
: And Backstreet Boys.
[Meatwad suffers mood swings from being pregnant
: Oh... boy, I apologize. My hormones are goin' nuts. Now, please... if you would... get the f*** outta my way. I mean, how many times I gotta f***in' write "ice cream" on this f***in' list before someone gets in f***in' gear, and brings home the f***in' ice cream? Maybe I should get a steak knife, and etch it in your muthaf***in' forehead! How hard can it f***in' be? Ice muthaf***in' cream! I guess that's the price I pay for livin' with two f***in' morons!
: [after Meatwad has a hormonal mood swing
] Damn! Meatwad
: Oh... boy. I apologize. My hormones are goin' nuts. Now, please. If you would... get the
: outta my way. I mean, how many times I gotta
: write "ice cream" on this
: list before someone gets his
: in gear and brings home the
: ice cream? Maybe I should get a steak knife and etch it in your mutha-
: forehead! How hard can it
: be? Ice mutha-
: cream! I guess that's the price I pay for livin' with two
: morons! Master Shake
: What happened to courtesy?
: Meatwad, why did you wake me up in the middle of July? Meatwad
: I want me some presents. I've been a good boy for the first quarter and most of the second quarter of this year. Santa Claus
: It's the middle of
] Santa Claus
: ing July! Those Faggoty elves don't even come in until September. Meatwad
: Santa, I need presents. I need a unicycle, a banana suit, and a banana hat to wear with the banana suit. Santa Claus
: Well, then I'll just waltz on down to the Free Present store! Do you know how much those things cost?
: What are we doing here Frylock? I mean, Egypt doesn't even exist! I mean, you don't hear DMX rap about it. Meatwad
: I find this, highly effiligent, in, edumacationists, for my brain. Because, I am smart boy.
: Our minds must be conflicting because you say plague of snakes and all I hear is Easter bunny, Easter bunny, Easter bunny.
: Where's my whiskey? I'm 'bout to get tore up! Ignignokt
: We shall acquire some wine on the way to the mall. Err
: And then you can get tore up. Ignignokt
: And pass out in the hot sun. Meatwad
: Them's my boys!
: Pick up that stereo and sink it deep within your body. Meatwad
: But then that would be stealing. Err
: Not if you need it, and you need it.
: Someone hook me up with a flame, I'm having a nic fit! Ignignokt
: Err, light him up. Frylock
: Meatwad! Err
: Here. Ignignokt
: Encourage him in his habit. Err
: That's a good smoker!
: Okay, but when we go in, watch your step. Frylock
: Why? Meatwad
: Meatwad, how are you doing? Meatwad
: Oh, Frylock, hey! I'm very...
: Can I tell you the truth? Master Shake
: Meatwad! Meatwad
: I'm very good! Master Shake
: If you're that good, maybe you should be putting some more foam on that fire. I'm not an Eskimo over here, you know. Frylock
: Well your face looks all... puffy. Meatwad
: No, no, I'm just tired. I fell down some stairs. Frylock
: We don't have any stairs, Meatwad. Master Shake
: He said he fell down some stairs, he fell down some stairs. People get clumsy sometimes. Is there a problem here? Frylock
: He's sick, Shake. And so are you. Master Shake
: Well he's supposed to be next door harvesting the crops. Picking our dinner. See, we're farming now, we're farmers. It's an honest life. Meatwad
: We ain't got no holly leaves over there, we ate that whole bush yesterday. That's why the bathroom hurt so bad! Master Shake
: Well what else did you plant over there? Meatwad
: I ain't planted nothing. Master Shake
: That's why you fall down the stairs all the time!
] Ooh, GOD! The house smells AWFUL! Master Shake
: [makes a big show of talking through a gas mask, then finally pulls it off and exhales deeply
] Ohhhh, God Almighty! I said, "I know, the house smells awful!" Frylock
: Well, WHY? Why does it smell that way? Master Shake
: Did we have to go to that tone, already? You start off so nice. Frylock
: Look, all right, I'm sorry, okay? Just explain. PLEASE. WHY? Master Shake
: Well, this is what I did, see.
] Master Shake
: You know how the flies have been a problem? Frylock
: ...No, I don't. Master Shake
: And you know how I left all that meat out because I saw Mr. David Lynch on TV doing it, and he got on TV from doing it, and I did it and I didn't get on TV from doing it? Frylock
] No, I don't remember that. Master Shake
: WELL, I DID. And of course, because of this, you get rats! Frylock
] SO WHY DOES THE HOUSE SMELL? Master Shake
: I'm not DONE! Now look, when we go in there...
] Master Shake
: ...you gotta watch where you step. Frylock
: [even angrier
] And why is that? Meatwad
: [an explosion is heard from in the house
] DAMN! Master Shake
: ...That is part of the reason.
: You know, Happy Time Harry, just being around you kinda makes me want to die.
: Hey Meatwad, how's that old Happy Time Harry? Happy Time Harry
: Hey! Pipe down! Meatwad
: Shhh. Quiet Frylock, he's still sleeping. Frylock
: Well, Meatwad, it's four in the afternoon. Maybe you should get him up and go play outside or something. Meatwad
: Nah... he, he said he's gonna spend the rest of the day figuring out how he's gonna pay his bills. Frylock
: Awww, so he's got little doll bills, huh? That's cute. Happy Time Harry
: Shut *up*! Meatwad
: Not really. He says it don't matter how hard you work, or how much you do, you're always gonna be in the hole. Sometimes, he says 'Get out of my face, and if you've got a problem with that, I'll cut you!'
: [lifts a sword
] There can be only one! Meatwad
: [a bolt of lightning strikes the sword. Shake falls over and catches on fire
] Be grillin' tonight.
: [referring to Master Shake
] He told me to get in the freezer, because there was a carnival in there. There was no carnival, it was a damn freezer. I got freezer burn, and I got mushed up against that chicken.
: You don't need a machine to make a rainbow for rainbows are made of happy thoughts and dreams and chocolate unicorns and gumdrops and licorice sunsets and fuzzy gum drop bears and chocolate covered chocolate gumdrop land...
: Shhh, I'm trying to sleep, so that the real rainbow will come...
[a rainbow appears
: ...the real rainbow! I did it! I brought happiness and joy to us all!
[the rainbow attaches itself to Carl's house and rips it off the foundations
: Oooh, good. Meatwad
: Well, I gotta go, see ya later.
: Pedestrian always has the right of way. Master Shake
: Yes. Unless? Meatwad
: You in the way?
: Pedestrian always has the right of way. Master Shake
: Yes. Except? Meatwad
: When you... in the way?
: [Frylock realizes that the chocolate milk in the fridge has expired
] You're not getting any chocolate milk, Meatwad. It's expired. Meatwad
: But I like it when it's chunky. It's spreadable and it's edible.
: This one time I rent me a pressure washer, start my own business called "Meatwad Pressure Washing." But then I's told, "You got to have a license for that." I said, "License? I ain't even s'posed to be in this country!" And then he got all mad.
: This one old boy, he give me a job mopping up late night at this children's apparel store. He said that I made a worser mess than it was. Dat's discrimination.
: [in bondage gear
] Tell me I've been bad! Meatwad
: ...Uh, yes, you... you've been acting up lately.
: [Shake and Meatwad are strapped to chairs
] Gentlemen, the OoGhiJ MiQtxxXA! Master Shake
: Frylock, come on, are you really gonna call it that? Frylock
: Well, yeah. I mean that's the Klingon word for superior galactic intelligence, and that's what this is. Master Shake
: Superior galactic grandma after eating a block of cheese, smoking three packs of cigarettes, and drinkin' a quart of milk. Disgusting, that's the word. Frylock
: Well, I invented it and I can call it what I want! Master Shake
: Fine. Hey, good luck with the casual sex. I mean it. No. Because you won't get it. Not with that name. Anyway, go on, I'm sorry to interrupt. Frylock
] Meatwad, what do you think? Meatwad
: ...My butt itches. Frylock
: All right, all right, fine! What should I call it then? Master Shake
: Bad-Ass Motha'! Meatwad
: No, Snoopy! Or Schroeder. One of them two. Master Shake
: No! The Bad-Ass Motha' 4000! Meatwad
: The Red Baron! Master Shake
: Goes twice as fast as your ass!
: Give him Clam Digger Frylock
: I don't think Clam Digger is... Oog
: Clam Digger. Give Oog Clam Digger. Meatwad
: Oh you gonna love this, boy. Tyrone calls you up, you know, in the game, and he says, "I can dig more clams than you, stupid!" And you've got to say, "Nuh-uh, boy!" And then y'all gotta race down to the beach with your buckets and your shovels. And the object of the game... is to find parking. Oog
: No Clam Digger.
: Hey, should we get Shake? Cause he's gettin eaten by aphids. Frylock
: Nah, he'll get a ride.
: You should just give in and realize that we is dumb, dumb as hell.
: Science is a mystery to man, isn't it Frylock? Frylock
: Yeah. It sure is, Meatwad.
: [the Aqua Teens are singing hymns
] Why are we doing this? Frylock
: Because I want to join the church up the street, and Meatwad needs to learn some morals and values! Master Shake
: Look at him and tell me there's a God. Meatwad
: He made me in his own image. Master Shake
: Oh yeah, that's right. God's a big meatball! I forgot! Meatwad
: He is. Master Shake
: Does he stink like you do?
: [referring to his digestive system
] It's like the Thunderdome in here. Only... two men enter, no man leaves. Starring Mel Gibson... and Master Blaster.
[after enlarging his penis, the crabs from Carl's genitalia are also enlarged, and begin to jump from his pants
: What the hell is that?
[a crab walks past Meatwad, who is immobile in the hallway, due to a large computer chip inside him
: Look, Frylock! Crabs! Can we keep 'em?
[a whole crowd of crabs run past him
: Boy, there's a lot of them! Carl
: Look, they're harmless. If they give ya trouble, hit 'em with the shampoo.
[holds up a bottle of Pubio Pride Shampoo
: [Meatwad rolls up to Carl dragging a bag behind him
] Hey Carl! Carl
: Oh great, you've seen me. Meatwad
: Hey, you want to contribute to Sir Loin's hunger drive? He goin' to feed the shorties y'all. Carl
: [Meatwad hands Carl the bag, Carl takes it
] Yeah, let me see here. I think I got some, uh, oysters over here. Meatwad
: [Carl proceeds to spit into the bag
] Oh, thank you. Carl
: And be sure to thank Sir Loin for keeping me up all night. Meatwad
: Yeah, I do that. Hey, I thought that oysters had shells? Carl
: No, usually, but not these. They were, uh, farm raised... in my throat... with cheese. Hey uh, you want some crabs? Cause I got some of them. Meatwad
: No... no my, my bag's pretty full right now. Carl
: I don't know if they're Alaskan King, but they feel huge...
: This here's my demon face. You see, I'm Satan's onion... scallion... Frylock
: Minion? Meatwad
: No, not that.
: Now, repeat after me. I Am... Carl
: I Am... Witch Doctor
: Sofa King... Carl
: Sofa King... Witch Doctor
: We Todd Ed. Carl
: We Todd Ed. Witch Doctor
: Now say it again, faster. Carl
: I Am Sofa King We Todd Ed. Witch Doctor
: Hahahaha! You said a very funny thing.
[Meatwad is playing his video game "Insult Master"
] Meatwad's opponent
: Hey man! You stole my wristwatch! Meatwad's character
: You dumb! I already have a wristwatch! Video Game Narrator
: Buuuuuuurned! Meatwad
: Yeah, burned! Meatwad's opponent
: I saw you lookin' at it! Meatwad's character
: Yo momma you did! Video Game Narrator
: Classic comeback! Meatwad's character
: Yo momma yo momma yo momma yo momma Video Game Narrator
: [Meatwad's opponent catches on fire
] Incineration! You are the Insult Master!
: There are different kinds of music in the world, Meatwad.
[hands Meatwad a collection of classical music CDs
: How about getting down with some REAL gangsters... from the fifteenth century? Meatwad
: Bach-t? Beet-oven? I dunno. Are these guys down with the Pee-Pants? Frylock
: Well, Meatwad. They wore pantaloons back in those days. Meatwad
: Shoot, boy. You'd get killed wearing that in my hood. Frylock
: Well I think you'll find these guys are pretty darn dope, if you know what I mean.
: [concerning the fate of M.C. Peepants
] Well, wherever he is... Master Shake
: He's in Hell! Meatwad
: Well, wherever THAT is... Master Shake
: It's a fiery pit of unpleasantness in the center of the Earth... Meatwad
: OK! Well wherever THAT is, and do not say anything...
: Hey Carl, you want me to shampoo the rug? Carl
: What's the frickin' point Meatman? Meatwad
: So you can give me some money.
: You cannot cut someone's lawn with matches, Meatwad. Meatwad
: Look, I know that; you gotta have gasoline, otherwise how's it gonna spread to the street?
: Hey, y'all might wanna turn that grill down, 'cause Mucus Man is meltin' here. Master Shake
: He's not melting. He's "chillaxin'". If you can't speak the language, go back to Mexico. Where you were born, and are from.
: [crashes through the window, bright flaming red all over
] DAMMIT, who took my sunblock? SPF 60, for FAIR SKIN? Frylock
: There ain't enough SPF in the world to protect you from that... Meatwad
: Well, we got all that cream cheese we won from the fair. Can you tan through that? Master Shake
] It's worth a shot... Meatwad
] And it may be the only shot we have. Master Shake
: [Shake and Meatwad, rubbing themselves all over with huge globs of cream cheese
: [long pause as he watches
] Or... WE COULD SHUT THE F**KING GRILL OFF!
: Gentlemen, we have a time machine. And *this* is the key to Frylock's health. We can break it apart, light it on fire, and smoke the cancer out! Meatwad
: But don't smoking, like, cause cancer? Master Shake
: That has never been proven.
: So, what'd your doctor say? Frylock
: He says I have cancer. Meatwad
: Well, did you... did you tell him that you don't? Frylock
: Meatwad, I'm afraid it doesn't work that way.
: Now why don't you go back in your house and shut up!
[Carl's head explodes
: Now why'd he do that? Shake
: Why wouldn't he?
: Okay, when I say "crank it", you do whatever it is people do when they're told to do that.
: I have a two-part question: one, what's he doin'? and, two, should we light him on fire?
: Carl! Take it up! Carl Brutananadilewski
: With pleasure. Master Shake
: Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! Whoah! You take it up too high how am I gonna inject the cheese? Frylock
: The cheese? Carl Brutananadilewski
: Oh yes! What is that, cheddar or pepper jack? Master Shake
: Both. Carl Brutananadilewski
: You are the man! Master Shake
: There's pork in there too. See, I rolled it in ranch dressing then force fed it to her. How do you think she died, natural causes? Carl Brutananadilewski
: This is gonna be so good! Frylock
: Yeck! Well y'all go on ahead and have your little heart attack. Meatwad and I are gonna have us a healthy labor day. Ain't that right Meatwad? Meatwad
: Yeah, I'll do that when I'm dead. Inject me with some cheese! Master Shake
: Submerge! It's gonna take a minute Carl. We've just gotta hope that the bowels don't release after hitting the hot oil.
: Allen! You can suck my fry dick! You son of a bitch! Kiss my balls, lick the juice from my asshole, you fucking fuck fuck face! You fat bastard! You hear me, bitch! Huh? Come down here, you sucking fuck suck gay ass motherfucker! Meatwad
: Dang, man.
: What's that jet doing in our yard? Master Shake
: Oh hell! What does it look like? Frylock
: Well... It's in the shape of a bass guitar and it's painted with a giant owl. Master Shake
: Swooping down from the moon. I know! It's Geddy's jet. FLOOR IT! We gotta get the hell hell outta here! Meatwad
: Hey, Geddy! THE RIVER!
Glass-Bottom Boat Captain
: Hi. This is your captain speaking. Welcome to the glass-bottom boat ride at the world famous Trenton Tar Pits. I just want to let you know I'm a convicted sex offender. Glass-Bottom Boat Captain
: Oh-no, ladies and gentlemen, now we're being attacked. Look to your left over the Tarboard side. Giant microscopic Tar Monsters. Frylock
: There ain't nothin' over here but tar and a condom wrapper. This is gross.
[after faking fighting off Tar-Monsters
] Glass-Bottom Boat Captain
: OK, I'm back, and we're safe, ladies and gentlemen. They won't be bothering us any more. I chased them off with my nudity.
] Glass-Bottom Boat Captain
: Does that arouse anyone down there? Meatwad
: What does that mean? Frylock
: It means we're gonna get off this boat right now. Meatwad
: Hey, how do I know if I'm aroused? Glass-Bottom Boat Captain
: OK, and we've docked, and I feel a little sexy. Who down there wants to meet the captain and feel sexy with him?
: It's time to recline
[pulls recliner handle
: Wait a second, this ain't no brain... this a damn bee's nest.
: Let me go off-topic for a minute. You know how much protein is in a weenie shake? Frylock
: No. Meatwad
: Hey, you guys remember when I got my first pubic hair? In that restaurant?
[flashes back to restaurant
: Hey, ya'll, check it out! Look what came with my wings! Frylock
: Ugh, don't touch that!
[flashes back to present
: And I've been collecting 'em ever since. Here, Frylock, I made you this shirt. 100% pubic. Frylock
: Uh, thanks. Meatwad
: I figured you to be a large, but I went extra large, 'cause I know it's gonna shrink in the wash. That's right. I want you to wash this with the rest of your clothes.
: [Shake and Carl are immobilized in their tech outfits
[Meatwad walks up to shake and starts painting him
] Master Shake
: What are you doin'? Meatwad
: Paintin' you with honey. Master Shake
: That could be cool. Hey, is that my package? Meatwad
: No, it's my package. Master Shake
: No it's not, it's mine. Meatwad
: I'm allowed to order a package. Master Shake
: OK, OK, fine, it's your package. So what did you get in YOUR package that's not mine? Meatwad
: Oh, I dunno, let's see. BEES BOY, BEES! YOU GOT BEES! Master Shake
: No! Whoo! OH! CARL, NO, HELP ME! WE GOT BEES HERE! Carl
: Bees? Did you get the link I sent you, about the woman havin' sex with a bee?
[Meatwad has just burned Carl's house down
: Okay, it's either you definitely *should* play with matches, or you definitely *shouldn't* play with matches. Carl
: It's definitely one or the other. Meatwad
: Which one you think it is, Carl?
: Well, this is going to take a long time, so you may want to get some snacks. Frylock
: No, no, that's all right. I think I can wait for it. Shake
: Well, I'M going to get food. Robot
: THOUSANDS OF YEARS AGO, before the dawn of man as we knew him, there was Sir Santa of Claus, an ape-like creature making crude and pointless toys out of dinobones and his own waste, hurling them at chimp-like creatures with crinkled hands regardless of how they behaved the previous year. These so-called "toys" were buried as witches, and defecated upon, and hurled at predators when wakened by the searing grunts of children. It wasn't a holly jolly Christmas that year. For many were killed. Frylock
: Well, that still doesn't tell me why you... Robot
: I'm not finished. YOU should have gotten a snack. A war-like race of elves from the Red Planet landed on the ice-encased Earth, and they were immediately enslaved by the unevolved Santa Ape to make his confused toys using galactic elfin technology. Toys were made into recognizable shapes and given names like "train, " but these toys were also thrown at predators and defecated upon because they were so stupid. Christmas still sucked, in a big way. Meatwad
: Boy, this IS a long story. Maybe I WILL get something to eat. Carl
: Yeah, I think I'm gonna get drunk while I listen.
: Please do not undercut me in front of the child. I am thirty or forty years old, and I do not need this. Meatwad
: [Frylock and Meatwad stare at Shake
] ... Well, which is it? Is you thirty or forty? Master Shake
: I. Don't. Know. DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?
[whacks his tennis racket on the ground, as Frylock and Meatwad stare indifferently. Finally, Frylock intervenes and blows up the racket with his laser eyes. Shake shuffles away
] Master Shake
: Thaaaaank you. That's nice.
: It doesn't matter what you look like on the outside, whether you're white, black, or Sasquatch, even. As long as you follow your dream, no matter how crazy or against the law it is... except for Sasquatch. If you're Sasquatch, the rules are different.
: What seems to be the trouble here little lay-dee? Dusty Gozongas
: It smells funny here... Meatwad
: Shake says I got a paper mill comin' out my butt, and that I smell like Louisiana. Master Shake
: Come on, now why would you say that to this lady with the big boobs? You don't have an income like I do and you've never even ridden in my amazing rocket car. Dusty Gozongas
: You have a rocket car? Master Shake
: Yeah, if I get bored, maybe I'll, uh, bench press it for ya. Carl
: You're, uh, you're fricken, uh, Dusty Gozongas! I've seen your billboard on the interstate. You dance out at the, uh, Wild Wild Chest! Meatwad
: Naw, you're thinking of that girl down at Fun Bag Junction, that's Busty Bazookas. Master Shake
: I think you're talking about Nipple Hut. Carl
: You're thinking CrotchTown. Master Shake
: CrotchTown? Meatwad
: CrotchTown? Carl
: Yeah, it's near Boobberg... but Boobberg, eh, kinda weak.
: [Meatwad and Shake are surfing the net on the plaque conspiracy
] Hush! Be quiet or you'll damage the search engine. Meatwad
: Oh, gee, I forgot! I'm sorry... Master Shake
: Well, I'M sorry but if you don't cooperate somebody's gonna have their mouth stabbed shut with skewers!
] Master Shake
: And then we shall see how well the ax slices through the meat! Meatwad
[Meatwad has etched a note into the side of Carl's house
] Dear Carl: Thank you in advance for feeding my dolls while we out in Panama City, scaring up venture capital money for my stand-up comedy tour "Meatwad Unplugged: No Buns Allowed." And also... we also getting a tan. Now remember, Dewey and Vanessa won't eat anything but chicken chow-mein noodles, and you know Boxy. He'll eat anything as long as it's deep-fried. They need to be walked twice a day, and be sure to pick up their doll droppings, you get a fine from the city. Thanks again. Sorry about the house, big guy. Sincerely, Meatwad. Carl
: Alright... what the f**k does this say?
[Meatwad is rotating inside the microwave. Microwave dings
] Master Shake
: Did you see how long you were in there? Meatwad
: I'm ready for poultry. Master Shake
: No, you're not! But with practice...
: Take the meatbridge. It's right here.
: I'm callin' Japan. Master Shake
: Who the hell do you know in Japan?
] Master Shake
: Nobody! Meatwad
: Hello, Japan? Master Shake
: No! Meatwad
: Yes, connect me to Godzilla please.