Eddie Haskell
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Quotes for
Eddie Haskell (Character)
from "Leave It to Beaver" (1957)

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"Leave It to Beaver: The Shave (#2.8)" (1958)
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: You wanna come over to my house and see my razor? It's gold-plated, and it's in a genuine plastic case.

Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Hey fellas, you wanna feel something?
Chester Anderson: What?
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Feel my upper lip.
Tooey Brown: Hey, don't tell me you're startin' to shave!
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: What do you mean, startin'? I been shavin' for over two months.
Chester Anderson: I've been shavin' for six months.
Wally Cleaver: No foolin'?
Chester Anderson: Almost once a month.

"Leave It to Beaver: Eddie's Girl (#2.2)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: Hello, Mrs Cleaver, may I come in?
June Cleaver: Oh, sure, Eddie, come on.
Eddie Haskell: Is Wally home?
June Cleaver: Yes, he's up in his room.
Eddie Haskell: I can only see him for a minute, because I have to go over and see my girl.
June Cleaver: Well, he's up in his room.
Eddie Haskell: Uh, when you have a girl, you can't spend all your time with the fellas. You have to spend some time with your girl.
June Cleaver: Oh, you have a girl, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: Oh, yes. She goes away to boarding school. My father says that's a pretty good indication her family has money. My father says it doesn't pay to waste time with people who don't count.
June Cleaver: Well, It's nice of you to come over here anyway, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: [looking confused] I beg your pardon, Mrs Cleaver?
June Cleaver: Look, Eddie, why don't you run on upstairs, huh?
Ward Cleaver: [Ward comes into the kitchen] Oh, Hi, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: How do you do, Mr Cleaver. Excuse me, sir.
Ward Cleaver: [exit Eddie] Hmmph. That boy is so polite, it's almost un-American.

Eddie Haskell: What are you guys gonna do today?
Wally Cleaver: We thought we'd go over to Chester's. A skunk got in his garage last night.
Eddie Haskell: No foolin'? Is it still there?
Wally Cleaver: No, but the smell is.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I never smelled a real skunk before.
Eddie Haskell: Aw, that's kid stuff.
Wally Cleaver: Maybe. What are you gonna do, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: Oh, I don't know. I might go over and see my girl. Want to come along?
Theodore Cleaver: I'd rather smell a skunk.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Car (#5.3)" (1961)
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Hey, Wally, what's up?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh, hi, Eddie. Hey, maybe you can help me. I'm gonna sell the car, and I thought I'd advertise it in the newspaper.
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Yeah? Where ya gonna put it - the obituary column?

"Leave It to Beaver: Chuckie's New Shoes (#4.11)" (1960)
Eddie Haskell: Hey, Wally! Don't just stand there, lover, let's go.

"Leave It to Beaver: Voodoo Magic (#1.13)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: Hey fellas, let's go to the Globe again this week. They got a couple great pictures: "Monsters from Outer Space" and "The Thing that Creeps".
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Look, Eddie, we told'ya before. Mom doesn't want me takin' Beaver to those kind of pictures.
Eddie Haskell: Whats-a matter with you guys? You won't ever catch me listenin' to my parents. I never do.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie. Well, maybe that's why you're such a miserable creep.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie, maybe that's why you're such a miserable creep.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Doll Buggy (#4.38)" (1961)
Eddie Haskell: When I was a little kid in kindergarten, we had a woman taking care of me, and she sent me to school with a home permanent.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, Eddie. What happened?
Eddie Haskell: Well, I told my father about it and he made a great big joke. You know somethin'? I don't think I've ever really told him anything since then.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Eddie, then how come you're always jumpin' on other guys, and makin' fun of them?
Eddie Haskell: Look, Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.
Wally Cleaver: Ahhh, I don't get that.
Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's 'cause you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.
Wally Cleaver: [ruffling Eddie's hair] You know somethin' Eddie? It's holdin' up real good.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Dinner Date (#6.1)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: [Wally calls the restaurant before his date, to get an idea how much it will cost] Hello? The White Fox? Um, I was just wondering about the price of your dinners. Just a minute.
Wally Cleaver: [to Eddie and The Beaver] He wants to know somethin' about 'a la carte' or 'table d'hote'.
Eddie Haskell: Never mind that French jazz, just ask him how much soup is.
Wally Cleaver: [back on the 'phone] Excuse me, sir, but, uh, how much is your soup? *Eighty cents!* How much is coffee? *Holy mackerel.* I mean, thank you, anyway.
Wally Cleaver: [off the 'phone] Wow, coffee's forty cents.
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, that's a dollar-twenty apiece. That's two-forty for both of ya. If you don't eat anything else, you just might make it.
Eddie Haskell: Listen, Squirt, no girl in the world is gonna settle for a liquid diet.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, oh boy.
Eddie Haskell: I hate to say this, Gertrude, but I think that somewhere in between the soup and the coffee, you're gonna get murdered!

"Leave It to Beaver: The Yard Birds (#5.32)" (1962)
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: C'mon Mo... Drop the hoe. Lumpy's in the car... And we're ready to roll.

"Leave It to Beaver: Summer in Alaska (#6.33)" (1963)
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Does the company supply my uniform?
Captain Drake: Uniform? You'll wear dungarees and a rubber apron! You'll live in the folkshole. Your job will be to cut bait. You'll go to bed smelling like fish, you'll get up in the morning smelling like fish, you'll eat fish, you'll clean fish, and you'll *hate* fish!
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Yes, sir. But what do you do about seasickness?
Captain Drake: Don't worry... you'll do it!

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Practical Joke (#6.35)" (1963)
Wally Cleaver: Hey Eddie, what happened to your back seat covers?
Eddie Haskell: Search me. They were there last week.
Wally Cleaver: I hope your battery's not dead.
Eddie Haskell: Now how could it be dead? I just took it out of my father's car this morning.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Sheep Dog (#6.11)" (1962)
Eddie Haskell: How about loaning five bucks? I'll pay you back Saturday.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, which Saturday?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Chuey (#2.4)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: [the boys are working on Wally's bike in the garage] Wally, do we have to have these kids hangin' around? Tell 'em to beat it.
Wally Cleaver: You tell 'em, Eddie. You're takin' Spanish, and always braggin' how good you are.
Theodore Cleaver: Can you really talk to him in Spaniard, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: If I want to.
Theodore Cleaver: Tell him he can stay overnight, and maybe in the morning we'll make a skate coaster.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, go on, Eddie.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie, go on.
Eddie Haskell: [to Chuey] ¿Como está Ud.?
Chuey Varela: [con sorpresa y alegría] Bien, gracias. ¿Beaver y yo podamos sacar tu bicicleta?
Eddie Haskell: He speaks Spanish, all right.

Leave It to Beaver (1997)
Eddie Haskell Jr.: You looked as though you just walked out the runway.
June Cleaver: Eddie?
Eddie Haskell Jr.: Yes Mrs. Cleaver?
June Cleaver: Cut the crap.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Model (#3.34)" (1960)
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Hey Beaver, you gnaw down any trees today?

"Leave It to Beaver: The Party Spoiler (#6.14)" (1962)
Clarence Rutherford: [Lumpy thinks that Eddie has been pulling practical jokes] Ya know Eddie, this seems just like the kind of thing you would do.
Eddie Haskell: Oh sure, I'm the kind of guy that goes around putting rubber cheese in my own sandwiches!

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Car Accident (#6.10)" (1962)
Eddie Haskell: [while pushing Lumpy's car to get it started, Wally breaks a headlight on Ward's new car] Well, look, there's nothin' to be so shook about. Lumpy's insurance'll take care of it.
Clarence Rutherford: Oh no it won't. I've already got a claim in for last week when that goat ate my upholstery.

"Leave It to Beaver: Tell It to Ella (#6.7)" (1962)
Eddie Haskell: Hey, I hear they've got you in solitary confinement. What'd you do, spill jam on your bib again?
Theodore Cleaver: No, I stayed out late, so I'm not allowed out on school nights.
Eddie Haskell: Hey, that's rough. If that ever happened to me, eight or nine girls would kill themselves.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Finds a Wallet (#3.30)" (1960)
[Wally and Eddie enter the Cleaver house and see no one around]
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Hey Wally, nobody's home. Let's call up some girls and pretend we're talent scouts.
[June walks out from the den to greet the boys]
June Cleaver: Hello, Eddie.
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Oh. Hi, Mrs. Cleaver. Gee Mrs. Cleaver, your hair looks real pretty today.
June Cleaver: Well, you should know Eddie, being a talent scout.

"Leave It to Beaver: In the Soup (#4.32)" (1961)
Eddie Haskell: [Discovering that Beaver is the one stuck in the soup bowl on the billboard] Fireman, Fireman save my child!

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Goes in Business (#4.36)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: [Eddie has been giving Gilbert and Beaver "the business" about how to trick people into giving them money] Eddie, what did you have to go and give 'em a big deal like that for?
Eddie Haskell: Big deal? Look, Orville, I just gave those kids the benefit of my knowledge in the business world, and you're knockin' it.
Wally Cleaver: Why don't you just pick on somebody your own size and give 'em the business?
Eddie Haskell: On account of I need these teeth for eatin'.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Team (#3.39)" (1960)
Football Player: [Wally and Eddie are running practice for Beaver's new football team] Hey Coach, can I be excused? I gotta go home and take my cod liver oil.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, uh, I was just gonna give you some plays. Are you gonna let the team down?
Football Player: My father says if I don't take my cod liver oil, my teeth'll fall out.
Eddie Haskell: Look, kid, what do you want to be, All-American or have teeth?

"Leave It to Beaver: The Spot Removers (#3.33)" (1960)
Eddie Haskell: [seeing that Beaver is worried about ruining Wally's suit coat] Boy, you're scared, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, it's not only that, but I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt Wally for anything in the whole world.
Eddie Haskell: Boy, you're not only scared, you're sloppy.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Bad Day (#1.34)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: This is one of my good suits, Eddie. My Mom's gonna be pretty sore when she finds out what happened.
Eddie Haskell: Wait a minute, kid. You're not gonna be a little squealer are ya?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, you're the one that did it.
Eddie Haskell: Yeah, but if you go around squealin' on guys, nobody's gonna like ya.
Larry Mondello: Is that why nobody likes you, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: Shut up, fat boy.

"Leave It to Beaver: Substitute Father (#4.39)" (1961)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [at the bottom of the staircase, calling upstairs] Hey, Mom!
June Cleaver: Yes, Wally.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Could Eddie spend the night here?
June Cleaver: Not while your father's away.
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: [dejected] Boy. Everybody around here is wise to me. I might just have to move to a new town and start all over.

"Leave It to Beaver: A Night in the Woods (#5.36)" (1962)
Eddie Haskell: [as Wally and the boys leave Gilbert to stay with stranded Eddie Haskell] Talk to me, will you, Gilbert?
Gilbert Bates: Ok. What'll I say?
Eddie Haskell: Say anything.
Gilbert Bates: All right. You're a dumb stupid creep and a big wise guy.