Wally Cleaver
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Quotes for
Wally Cleaver (Character)
from "Leave It to Beaver" (1957)

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"Leave It to Beaver: School Sweater (#3.23)" (1960)
Wally Cleaver: [Wally is inspecting his letterman's sweater after getting it back from a girl] Well, she didn't wreck it or anything.
Theodore Cleaver: No, but you know, Wally, it smells kinda girly.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, that's perfume or some kinda junk. I'll just hang it in my gym locker for a couple days. That oughta kill it.

Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Wally, why would you go and give your sweater to a girl?
Wally Cleaver: Well, 'cause she asked me for it.
Theodore Cleaver: Then why don't you ask her for it back?
Wally Cleaver: I did, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Theodore Cleaver: Then why didn't you sock her?
Wally Cleaver: Heck, you can't sock a girl.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, lots of 'em have socked me, and I've socked a couple of 'em back.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but that's different. You're just a kid. At your age, girls aren't really girls yet.
Theodore Cleaver: When do they turn into girls?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know, just, uh, just all of a sudden you turn around and they're girls, and a guy's gotta be polite and junk.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, what are sweaters made out of?
Wally Cleaver: Uh, sheep.
Theodore Cleaver: I'd hate to be a sheep and get made into a sweater.
June Cleaver: [later, downstairs] Come on, Beaver, dinner.
Theodore Cleaver: What are we havin', Mom?
June Cleaver: Lamb chops.
Theodore Cleaver: Are they made out of sheep?
June Cleaver: Uh, huh.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, sheep sure have a tough time.

Wally Cleaver: [after talking to Frances on the telephone] Boy, how d'ya like that, Dad? I told her off real good this afternoon, and now she calls me up.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, and I think you can count on her calling you again, and, uh, probably again. Just, uh, one of the ways of women.
Wally Cleaver: But gee, that's goony. Can anything be done about it?
Ward Cleaver: [in his best mock-serious tone] No-one's ever found a way yet, son.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Dance (#3.21)" (1960)
Larry Mondello: Hey, Wally, how come they make you wear white gloves in dancing school?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, I don't know. I guess they don't want you slobbin' up the girls.

Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [reading a newspaper on the living room couch] Hey, Dad, what's community property?
Ward Cleaver: Well, community property means that your mother owns half of everything I earn or own.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: What a gyp! No wonder women get married!

June Cleaver: Wally, your brother has been invited to the Mayfield Cotillion dances.
[she shows him the invitation]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Dances? Hey, can I be around here when you show him this?
Ward Cleaver: What do you want to be around for?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, blue suits and white gloves - man, The Beaver's gonna go right through the ceiling... Boy, there sure is gonna be a lot of yellin' and screamin' around here.
June Cleaver: He was invited, and of course he's going to go.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, OK, Mom, but on Saturday, Dad, you better be around to drag him.
June Cleaver: Wally, why wouldn't he want to go? He'll get a chance to be dressed up and look his best, and learn some manners, and he'll meet some very charming little girls.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, gee, Mom, any one of those creepy things would kill the deal.
June Cleaver: Wally, you're just being difficult. What do you think, Ward?
Ward Cleaver: I think I better be prepared to drag him.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's New Suit (#2.10)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Wally, why did you and the other boys at the last minute decide not to take dates to the dance?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, Eddie said it's better if we go by ourselves. That way, you get to dance with all the other guys' girls, then you don't get stuck with them and have to buy 'em stuff on the way home.
Ward Cleaver: I think that's a very practical approach.
June Cleaver: I think it's horrible.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You know what'd be great, Wally?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: What, Beav?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: A suit made out of bluejeans!

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You know, Wally, if I were Eddie's father, I wouldn't let him buy his own clothes.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Why not?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: 'Cause I don't like Eddie.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Chauffeur (#5.12)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: Hi, Beav. Hey, how do I look?
Theodore Cleaver: Real neat. You got your job back sellin' ice cream bars again?
Wally Cleaver: No, ya little goof, it's a white dinner jacket. I rented it for the dance Saturday night.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, won't you feel creepy walkin' around in an outfit like that?
Wally Cleaver: Sure, but everybody else is wearin' 'em, and when everybody else feels funny, you don't feel so funny.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I guess it's like when everybody goes swimmin' in the YMCA pool without any suits on.

Theodore Cleaver: Me and Gilbert have got a pact. We hate girls. But it's easier on him.
Wally Cleaver: What do you mean?
Theodore Cleaver: 'Cause he's got a sister, and he learned to hate girls without even leavin' the house.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, how ya gettin' to the dance?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, Lumpy Rutherford's takin' a bunch of us guys in his car.
Theodore Cleaver: How much of a bunch?
Wally Cleaver: I think there'll be about eight of us.
Theodore Cleaver: Is Dad lettin' you do that?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, I don't know. I haven't asked him yet.
Theodore Cleaver: You better ask him, Wally. It sounds like one of those things he's liable to blow his top about.
Wally Cleaver: Now why would he do that?
Theodore Cleaver: I don't know. I guess 'cause it sounds like it'd be too much fun.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Haircut (#1.4)" (1957)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Are you finished?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know. But I think I'd better stop.

Wally Cleaver: What's that?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: A haircut, I think.
Wally Cleaver: Wow, you look like Wilson's Airedale when he had the mange.

June Cleaver: Wally, why aren't you in the school play?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, I'm in it.
June Cleaver: What do you do?
Wally Cleaver: I hold a sign saying, "Just a minute while the wise men are puttin' on their beards."

"Leave It to Beaver: The Cookie Fund (#2.35)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, if I did lose the cookie money, what do you suppose they'd do to me in school?
Wally Cleaver: Well, the kids might ostracise ya.
Theodore Cleaver: [getting worried] Gee, what's that?
Wally Cleaver: We just read about it in History. It's what they did to Benedict Arnold.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh. Did he lose some cookie money?

Wally Cleaver: Hey Mom, can I go to Mexico?
June Cleaver: Mexico?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, with Mr Nelson.
June Cleaver: And who's Mr Nelson?
Wally Cleaver: He's our Science teacher. He's going to Mexico this summer, and he said he might take some of the guys from his class with him.
June Cleaver: Well, I don't know, Wally. What would we have to do?
Wally Cleaver: Well, all you gotta do is sign this thing, saying if we get hurt or killed or anything, it's OK.

Theodore Cleaver: [as he hides his cookie money under his pillow for the night] Hey Wally, in the night, if a crook came in after my money, what would you do?
Wally Cleaver: Well heck, Beaver, no crook's comin' in after your eleven dollars.
Theodore Cleaver: How come?
Wally Cleaver: You've seen how it is on television. You gotta have at least two or three thousand dollars before a crook'll ever mess with ya.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I sure hope the crooks in Mayfield watch television.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Bank Account (#1.19)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, why do we have to leave school at lunch time to get Dad the jacket?
Wally Cleaver: Well, this way we can buy the jacket and still get back in time to put the rest of the money in the bank account.
Theodore Cleaver: I sure hope the Assistant Principal Mr Bloomgarten doesn't catch us sneakin' out.
Wally Cleaver: Well, we'll go out the girls' entrance. He never watches that door.
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, why doesn't he ever watch the girls' entrance?
Wally Cleaver: 'Cause girls never do anything bad.

June Cleaver: You boys have a hard day at school today?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, every day's hard at school.
Theodore Cleaver: The hardest part is waitin' for three o'clock.

"Leave It to Beaver: Part-Time Genius (#1.14)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: When are we gonna eat? The Beaver and me are gettin' hungry.
June Cleaver: Wally, The Beaver and *I* are getting hungry.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I guess we're all gettin' hungry.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, are we really gonna have a test tomorrow?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I think they're givin' it to everybody in school.
Theodore Cleaver: How come you're not studying?
Wally Cleaver: They didn't give us any homework. It's not the kind of test you study for. It's a test in intelligence.
Theodore Cleaver: I guess they don't teach intelligence in the Second Grade.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Ring (#2.7)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: You know, Wally, when I went to high school, we used to have to wear a collar and tie to school everyday.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, gee, Dad, they're not allowed to be that mean to you, anymore.

June Cleaver: Well Wally Aunt Martha is Beaver's godmother.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Gee yeah. Heck Uncle Frank is my godfather and all is ever did is promise to send me to Europe when I'm out of college. But heck who wants to go to Europe when you're an old man?

"Leave It to Beaver: Voodoo Magic (#1.13)" (1958)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You know, I never did like that Eddie much. But now I hate him worse than ever.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, he is kind of a miserable guy. You know, I wouldn't like him at all if he wasn't my best friend.

Eddie Haskell: Hey fellas, let's go to the Globe again this week. They got a couple great pictures: "Monsters from Outer Space" and "The Thing that Creeps".
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Look, Eddie, we told'ya before. Mom doesn't want me takin' Beaver to those kind of pictures.
Eddie Haskell: Whats-a matter with you guys? You won't ever catch me listenin' to my parents. I never do.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie. Well, maybe that's why you're such a miserable creep.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie, maybe that's why you're such a miserable creep.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Doll Buggy (#4.38)" (1961)
Eddie Haskell: When I was a little kid in kindergarten, we had a woman taking care of me, and she sent me to school with a home permanent.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, Eddie. What happened?
Eddie Haskell: Well, I told my father about it and he made a great big joke. You know somethin'? I don't think I've ever really told him anything since then.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Eddie, then how come you're always jumpin' on other guys, and makin' fun of them?
Eddie Haskell: Look, Sam, if you can make the other guy feel like a goon first, then you don't feel like so much of a goon.
Wally Cleaver: Ahhh, I don't get that.
Eddie Haskell: Of course you don't. That's 'cause you never went to kindergarten with a home permanent.
Wally Cleaver: [ruffling Eddie's hair] You know somethin' Eddie? It's holdin' up real good.

Theodore Cleaver: [rebuilding a coaster car] You know somethin' Wally?
Wally Cleaver: What's that, Beav.
Theodore Cleaver: You look a lot better when you've got dirt on ya.
Wally Cleaver: What are you drivin' at?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, since you started gettin' grown up and hangin' around girls, well, you're so neat you're a mess.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Well, foolin' around like this is still fun.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. Too bad a guy can't stay a kid all his life.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beaver, growin' up's rough on a guy. You gotta wait 'til you're an old man to act like a kid again.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. Then you can go to parties and wear funny hats, like Mr Rutherford does.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beav, I never want to get old enough to act like that.

"Leave It to Beaver: A Horse Named Nick (#2.27)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: [Wally and The Beaver have to sell their old horse] Boy, you know, I'm really gonna miss Nick.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, me too. Well, at first it wasn't like havin' a dog or a rabbit that you could hold, but when I was sittin' with him this morning he put his head *right in my lap*.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah? No foolin'?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I never had anything that big like me before.

June Cleaver: [the carnival is in town, and the boys have gotten jobs there] Ward, I don't like the idea of those boys working around a carnival.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, dear, rubbing down horses and cleaning out cages and carrying water to animals, why - gee, I didn't know there was anything that wonderful left in the world for kids to do.
Theodore Cleaver: [upstairs, after washing up] Hey Wally, what happened to all the dirty clothes we took off?
Wally Cleaver: I think Mom threw 'em in the wash.
Theodore Cleaver: [disappointed] Gee, whiz. I wanted to go to school tomorrow smellin' like I worked at a carnival.
Ward Cleaver: [on Saturday, waiting for the boys to come home on their last day of carnival work] You know, this has been a great experience for them.
June Cleaver: Maybe. I'll be glad when they start coming home smelling like boys again.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Bike (#3.26)" (1960)
June Cleaver: What in the world are you eating?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: This? Oh, it's my own invention. It's a sandwich with the meat on the outside.

June Cleaver: Wally, don't they teach you any manners at school?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: You know, that's funny, Mom. At school they're always saying, "don't they ever teach you any manners at home?".

"Leave It to Beaver: Kite Day (#4.37)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: I hope this isn't one of those ventures where we start out together and I wind up finishing alone.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, no, Dad. Mr Fairchild, who's running the contest for the friendly merchants, says, well, they're havin' it so fathers and sons can get together, well, and do junk.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, Dad. That's the big deal now. They think that it's sound psychology to make fathers feel like they're participating in the lives of their children.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I take it Mr Fairchild has no children of his own.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, no, Dad. He's our gym teacher. Only parents have children.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Wally, how come you're rubbin' that stuff in your hair?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, I, uh, I sorta got a date.
Theodore Cleaver: [dripping with contempt] I know. You want to smell good for a girl.
Wally Cleaver: Well, heck, Beav. Don't you ever want to smell good?
Theodore Cleaver: Sure, but not for a girl. To keep from gettin' yelled at.

"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Baseball (#3.28)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: I just had to chase Larry away.
June Cleaver: I hope you weren't mean to Larry.
Ward Cleaver: I wasn't mean, dear, I was just firm.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Gosh Dad, Larry's just a kid. I don't know if he knows the difference.

Theodore Cleaver: Y'know, Wally, that's neat, Dad savin' a baseball, sorta like he was a kid.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, even when you grow up you've still got some kid left in ya.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I guess that's why, once in a while, you even hear grown-ups laughing.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's First Date (#5.13)" (1961)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [Beaver tries to call a girl for a date, but hangs up the phone while dialing] What's the matter now?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I just thought: what if her mother answers?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh, it usually pays to be real nice to mothers. If she answers, you should say, um, "Good evening, Mrs. Patterson. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but may I please speak to Betsy?"
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Okay.
[resumes dialing, then pauses]
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What if her father answers?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh, uh, when that happens, I usually just hang up.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey, Wally, when Mom first asked you about being a chaperon you squawked all over the place. How come all of a sudden you changed your mind?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Awww, 'cause Dad gave me a lecture about family responsibility. And five dollars.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [with a hint of sarcasm] Oh. Dad sure knows how to talk to kids, doesn't he.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [a short time later] Hey, Wally, you're taking that Julie Foster, aren't you?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah. Mrs Thompson called up her mother and got her to be a chaperon, too.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Do you think her mother had to pay her five dollars?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Naah, you don't have to bribe girls to go to dances and parties and stuff. They've got a natural instinct for standin' around lookin' stupid.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Poster (#4.22)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Well, where are you two headed?
Ward Cleaver: I'm going to clean out the garage, and Wally's going to help me.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Dad's making me help him.
Ward Cleaver: Wally, I'd like to think you were helping me just because you're a nice guy.
Wally Cleaver: Oh sure, Dad. Hey, Mom, where's the Beaver?
June Cleaver: Oh, he's up in the attic. I think he's playing up there.
Wally Cleaver: Hm, let's get him, Dad. Why should he get out of being a nice guy?

Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Wally, what are you shinin' your shoes for?
Wally Cleaver: For tomorrow.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, is your school making you go to church?
Wally Cleaver: Of course not. I just don't want to look creepy, that's all.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, if it's not church, it must be girls. Those are the only two things I ever heard of that make a guy shine his shoes.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Sheep Dog (#6.11)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, if I ask you something, will you answer me not like my brother, but just like another guy?
Wally Cleaver: Well, first ask me, and then I'll decide how to answer ya.
Theodore Cleaver: Do you think I look like a sheep dog?
Wally Cleaver: Well, no, I don't think you look like a sheep dog. You look more like a gopher with bangs.

Eddie Haskell: How about loaning five bucks? I'll pay you back Saturday.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, which Saturday?

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Dream Girl (#4.29)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Wally, you know, I think you're a very nice young man.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well gee, Mom, it's real nice of you to think that, but well, I wish you wouldn't go around sayin' it out loud.

Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [June has just stunned Wally by telling him that she's invited his "Dream Girl" - whom he's only admired from afar - to go along on a family picnic] Well, I, uh, I think I gotta go up and clean my teeth now, or somethin'.
June Cleaver: [to Ward] He didn't have very much to say, did he?
Ward Cleaver: Caesar didn't have very much to say to Brutus, either, did he?

"Leave It to Beaver: The Paper Route (#1.17)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: What's this all about?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It's our paper route, Dad. We're gonna earn a bike and surprise you, just like you did your father.
June Cleaver: But boys, you get home from school pretty late as it is. Isn't that a lot of papers to deliver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Only 58.
June Cleaver: But Beaver...
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, there's nothin' to deliverin' papers. You just fold 'em up and throw 'em at people.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [we see the boys delivering papers; Beaver throws the first one] How was that, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Hey, that was pretty good. Lucky the window was open.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [then Wally throws one into the landscaping] Shouldn't we get that one, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Naah, the bushes are the first place people look.

"Leave It to Beaver: Tell It to Ella (#6.7)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: You know what you have, Beav? You have a persecution complex.
Theodore Cleaver: I do not. It's just that everybody's all the time pickin' on me.

June Cleaver: What's the matter with that boy? He's been rushing away from the table and not acting himself all week.
Wally Cleaver: Maybe he's got a girl.
Ward Cleaver: What makes you think so, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Well, when a guy starts actin' weird, a girl is the first thing you look for.

"Leave It to Beaver: In the Soup (#4.32)" (1961)
[first lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [entering kitchen from outdoors] Oh, hi, Mom.
June Cleaver: Well, hi there, Wally. You're home from school early today.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, they let us out half-an-hour early. They were sprayin' the trees for bugs, and they didn't want to kill any students.
June Cleaver: [dryly] That was considerate of them.

Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [to his friends after Beaver is rescued] If anyone makes a crack in the car, I'll slug them!

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Goes in Business (#4.36)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: [Eddie has been giving Gilbert and Beaver "the business" about how to trick people into giving them money] Eddie, what did you have to go and give 'em a big deal like that for?
Eddie Haskell: Big deal? Look, Orville, I just gave those kids the benefit of my knowledge in the business world, and you're knockin' it.
Wally Cleaver: Why don't you just pick on somebody your own size and give 'em the business?
Eddie Haskell: On account of I need these teeth for eatin'.

Theodore Cleaver: Dad, do you think I ought to try again?
Ward Cleaver: Well, of course I do. If I were you and Gilbert, I'd go out first thing tomorrow and line up a real job cutting lawns. Only, uh, this time, make your deal before you cut the lawn, not after.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Yeah, Dad's just using Child Psychology on ya, Beav. It's like this movie I saw on TV, where this Army pilot cracked up his plane on his first flight, and he wanted to quit flyin'.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, and his squadron leader sent him right out again on another flight.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened.
Ward Cleaver: And he overcame his fear.
Wally Cleaver: No, he never got the plane off the ground. Ran it smack into the hangar. But they gave him a neat funeral. They had the band goin', and everything. Could you pass the bread, please?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Team (#3.39)" (1960)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Hey, Beav, you want that Eddie Haskell and I should coach your team for you?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It'd be neat, if you do, Wally, but that Eddie - he's a mean guy.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, I'll do most of the coachin'. Eddie will just kinda hang around.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But he's the kind of guy that even hangs around mean.

Football Player: [Wally and Eddie are running practice for Beaver's new football team] Hey Coach, can I be excused? I gotta go home and take my cod liver oil.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, uh, I was just gonna give you some plays. Are you gonna let the team down?
Football Player: My father says if I don't take my cod liver oil, my teeth'll fall out.
Eddie Haskell: Look, kid, what do you want to be, All-American or have teeth?

"Leave It to Beaver: Boarding School (#1.35)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: [talking with Johnny Franklin about his Military School] That sure sounds swell. I bet you don't get to carry guns, though.
Johnny Franklin: Why, sure we do.
Theodore Cleaver: Can you shoot real bullets with 'em?
Johnny Franklin: Well, the big guys have a rifle team. We drill with wooden guns.
Wally Cleaver: Well, gee, what's the good of havin' a gun if you can't shoot it?
Johnny Franklin: [he pauses to think] Well, if there was an invasion or something, you could hit guys with it.

Johnny Franklin: [bragging about his Military School] We even have two guys from the regular Army to teach us the drillin'. And you know somethin' else? All our teachers are men. Well, except the nurse.
Wally Cleaver: Oh, boy. All men teachers, huh?
Theodore Cleaver: No lady teachers?
Johnny Franklin: [proudly] Not a single one.
Theodore Cleaver: You mean you don't have to wash?
Johnny Franklin: Well sure, they make us wash. You get demerits if they find dirt on ya.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beaver, you have to wash no matter where you go to school.
Theodore Cleaver: [disappointed] Yeah, I guess so.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Andy (#3.20)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey, Wally, what kinda trouble to you think Andy's got?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: I don't know, but it must be somethin' pretty neat if they don't want him to do it around us.

June Cleaver: Did you see your brother on the way home?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah. He was over by Lake Avenue walkin' in the mud.
June Cleaver: Well, did you tell him to get out of the mud?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, of course not. Why should I spoil his fun? That's for grownups to do.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Crush (#1.8)" (1957)
Ward Cleaver: Why don't you boys ever want to tell me anything? I'm really interested in knowing what goes on at school.
Wally Cleaver: Well, nothing ever goes on at school, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, now, Wally, I can hardly believe that.
Wally Cleaver: Well, you go in the morning, and if you've done your homework it's all right. If you haven't, they holler at ya. That's all there is to school.

Wally Cleaver: Wait a minute, you mean the kids are right? You do like Miss Canfield?
Theodore Cleaver: She's all right.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, I wouldn't think of likin' my teacher.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but Miss Canfield is a lot prettier than Mr Bloomgarten.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver the Babysitter (#5.27)" (1962)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [getting babysitting pointers from Wally] Am I allowed to hit him?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: No, you can't do that. It's against the law. Only parents have the legal right to shove their kids around.

Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [Wally wants to back out of a babysitting deal so he can go on a date] Mom, Dad, why couldn't Beaver take over for me?... Chuckie Murdoch's five years old. All you gotta do is sit around and watch TV with him, and then shove him into bed and raid the icebox... And it's no big deal. After all, the Murdochs only live a couple minutes away. If Chuckie threw himself on the floor and started chewin' the rug or somethin', Beaver could call Mom and you guys could get over there before he could eat enough of it to make him sick.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Rat (#4.31)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver brings home a rat named Peter Gunn] That's a very fine looking rat, Beaver. But I, uh, I have a feeling that your mother would be a lot happier if you traded him for something else.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, what's Mom got against rats?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, it's not just your mother, Beaver. It's, uh, well it's just that women don't seem to have as soft a spot in their hearts for rats as we men do.
Wally Cleaver: Sure, Beav. You know how it is. They don't like blood, or dirt, or any of those neat things.
June Cleaver: [later] Did you talk Beaver into getting rid of that rat?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, yeah, he's going to try and trade him for something else tomorrow.
June Cleaver: Good. How'd you convince him?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, I just told him that women were full of strange quirks, and it was up to us to humor them.
June Cleaver: [Beaver's solution prompts an evening visit by Fred Rutherford to the Cleaver household] What's the trouble, Squire?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it seems that Beaver sold Peter Gunn to Violet Rutherford for $3.00.
June Cleaver: Well, that sounds like a very good deal.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, it was too good a deal. After all, Violet's just a girl. She can't be expected to know the going price of rodents.

"Leave It to Beaver: Her Idol (#2.6)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, I don't like Linda, why should I feel bad 'cause she's sittin' in a tree with Larry?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know. I don't like Mary Ellen Rogers either, but I feel kind of bad when I see her talking to some of the other guys in school. I guess that bad feeling is what makes people get married.
Theodore Cleaver: Search me, Wally.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Car (#5.3)" (1961)
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Hey, Wally, what's up?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh, hi, Eddie. Hey, maybe you can help me. I'm gonna sell the car, and I thought I'd advertise it in the newspaper.
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Yeah? Where ya gonna put it - the obituary column?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Newspaper (#2.30)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally and The Beaver are cleaning out the garage] Gee, Wally, a typin' machine.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. That's that old beat-up typewriter Dad used to have. He gave it to me.
Theodore Cleaver: How come you don't use it?
Wally Cleaver: Well, it didn't work so good after I dropped it.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh. Hey, Wally, what's the bell for?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, that's a signal you came to the end of the line, and you've gotta start a new one.
Theodore Cleaver: I guess a typewriter is just about the smartest machine there is.

"Leave It to Beaver: Lumpy Rutherford (#1.16)" (1958)
[the boys have set a trap for Lumpy and are trying to lure him out of the house ]
Wally Cleaver: [shouting] Lumpy! Hey, Lumpy! C'mon out, Lumpy!
Fred Rutherford: Geraldine, what's that? *Note, Mrs. Rutherford was called Geraldine, not Gwendolin in first season episodes.
Gwen Rutherford: Sounds like somebody calling.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: [shouting] Lumpy, dumpy, you big ape!
Fred Rutherford: Must be for Clarence.
Wally Cleaver: [shouting] Hey, Meathead! Meathead!
Gwen Rutherford: Might be for you, dear.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Henry (#1.36)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Well, what were you and Eddie up to?
Wally Cleaver: We went over to look at the Andersons' new car. I thought it was pretty neat.
June Cleaver: What did Eddie say?
Wally Cleaver: He said it was a heap... If we have an extra rabbit later, can I give it to Eddie?
June Cleaver: [with a touch of sarcasm] I think it'd be easier on the rabbit if you gave it to Chester.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, don't you like Eddie Haskell?
June Cleaver: [obviously backtracking] Well, Wally, I'm very fond of him.
Wally Cleaver: That's funny. Sometimes I think he's a creep.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Hero (#6.12)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: Gee Dad, you've been lecturing him for 13 years, he's still pretty stupid.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Ivanhoe (#3.36)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: [encouraging Beaver to read Sir Walter Scott's "Ivanhoe" for his school assignment] There's a lot of excitement in the book, Beaver. You see, these knights fought to defend their code of honor. And they, oh, they rode all over the countryside, avenging wrongs and protecting the weak.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. And my History teacher says that in between times they ate like pigs.
Ward Cleaver: Wally!
Wally Cleaver: Well sure they did. They ate on these big wooden tables, and they had their dogs runnin' around underneath the tables so they could wipe their hands on 'em.
Theodore Cleaver: [excited] Boy, could we get a dog to do somethin' like that, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Well, people lived differently then, Beaver. But it was a time of great adventure and excitement. I know you're gonna like "Ivanhoe".
Theodore Cleaver: [looking at the book Ward has given him] Well, I guess so, Dad. But it sure is a lot fatter than "Hoppy the Kangaroo".
Theodore Cleaver: [after Ward goes downstairs] Hey Wally, does this guy really kill a lot of guys?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure. Then he gets in this big tournament with eight or nine guys, and he goes around spearin' them off their horses, like marshmallows.
Theodore Cleaver: And everybody eats like a pig?
Wally Cleaver: Sure. They throw food all over the place.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Wally, this sounds like the neatest book I ever read!

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally, the Businessman (#3.35)" (1960)
Wally Cleaver: I'm havin' trouble. Mr Nibling from the ice cream company is coming to collect tomorrow. I'm $3.75 short.
Theodore Cleaver: [unimpressed] Tough.
Wally Cleaver: Not only that. I'm not going to be able to pay Dad back the $5.00 I promised him every week for the bike.
Theodore Cleaver: Tougher.
Wally Cleaver: Hey, Beaver... Beaver, you've got $9.00 saved up. How 'bout if you lend me some dough, huh?
Theodore Cleaver: Why should I?
Wally Cleaver: 'Cause I'm short.
Theodore Cleaver: You're not short from givin' me free ice cream, you're short from givin' your crummy friends free ice cream.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, Beaver, you're a rat.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but I'm a rat with $9.00.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Haircomb (#2.34)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, don't your mother and I detect a slight difference in the way you're combing your hair?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I didn't think you'd notice.
Clarence Rutherford: Mr Cleaver, Eddie Haskell and all the guys are combin' their hair like that.
June Cleaver: Well, Clarence, I notice that you're not.
Clarence Rutherford: I would comb my hair like Wally's, Mrs Cleaver, but I got a funny-shaped head.
Ward Cleaver: [trying to be tactful] Oh, really, I hadn't noticed.
Clarence Rutherford: Daddy says it's because when I was a baby, I slept on one side too much.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, it is kinda lopsided.
June Cleaver: [quietly] Beaver!
Ward Cleaver: Uh, you know, fellas, it's a funny thing, um, speaking of fads...
Theodore Cleaver: We weren't speaking of fads. We were speakin' about Lumpy's lopsided head.
Ward Cleaver: Yes. Ah, what I was about to say is, um, there are always a lot of fellows who follow every fad that comes along. But there are also always a few who, uh, well who have enough individuality to sort of go their own way. You know what I mean, Wally.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Just like squares.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, eat your vegetables, boys.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Dinner Date (#6.1)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: [Wally calls the restaurant before his date, to get an idea how much it will cost] Hello? The White Fox? Um, I was just wondering about the price of your dinners. Just a minute.
Wally Cleaver: [to Eddie and The Beaver] He wants to know somethin' about 'a la carte' or 'table d'hote'.
Eddie Haskell: Never mind that French jazz, just ask him how much soup is.
Wally Cleaver: [back on the 'phone] Excuse me, sir, but, uh, how much is your soup? *Eighty cents!* How much is coffee? *Holy mackerel.* I mean, thank you, anyway.
Wally Cleaver: [off the 'phone] Wow, coffee's forty cents.
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, that's a dollar-twenty apiece. That's two-forty for both of ya. If you don't eat anything else, you just might make it.
Eddie Haskell: Listen, Squirt, no girl in the world is gonna settle for a liquid diet.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, oh boy.
Eddie Haskell: I hate to say this, Gertrude, but I think that somewhere in between the soup and the coffee, you're gonna get murdered!

"Leave It to Beaver: The Dramatic Club (#4.24)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: [Beaver gets the lead in a school play, then learns he has to kiss a girl in the story. He agrees, on condition that his family won't attend. After the play, the questioning:] What happened when you kissed Vicky?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, nothin'. I kissed her, then I climbed out of the castle window, and that was all.
Ward Cleaver: Well, now, then, that wasn't so bad after all, was it son?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: No. But I don't think I'll ever get to where I enjoy it as much as Wally does.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Violet (#3.32)" (1960)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Boy Mom, I sure wish I could do that.
June Cleaver: Do what?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, give somebody the brush off and make it sound like you're doing 'em a favor.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Jacket (#5.19)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: [about their parents] Hey, did they give it to you good?
Theodore Cleaver: Nuh-uh. They couldn't think of any good reason to give it to me.
Wally Cleaver: Wow, you must have told them a real wild story.
Theodore Cleaver: I did. I told them the truth.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver the Magician (#3.12)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: Ah heck mom, don't worry. You get that little Bengie over here. I'll straighten him out.
June Cleaver: You really think you can?
Wally Cleaver: Well sure mom. If you're gonna stay ahead of kids you gotta be smarter than they are.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Yard Birds (#5.32)" (1962)
[last lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Boy! When we got to the dump - that was really funny.
June Cleaver: What happened there?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, after we dumped the stuff, Lumpy couldn't get his car started.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah - so we all had to get out and start pushin'.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah - just then this guy from The City came along and started blowin' his top.
Ward Cleaver: What for?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, he saw Lumpy's car, and he thought we were tryin' to steal it from the dump.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Sees America (#6.37)" (1963)
Wally Cleaver: Hey, how come you're gettin' all dressed up tonight... using my Arabian Nights after shave lotion?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, what's wrong with it? You use it.
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, but you're too young to start smellin' good.
Theodore Cleaver: A guy's gotta start some time.
June Cleaver: [later, June finds out Beaver didn't go to Whitey's house, as he had said] Ward, aren't you worried?
Ward Cleaver: Not particularly. I got a whiff of him as he went by.
Mary Margaret Matthews: [then Beaver is seen on a porch swing talking to Mary Margaret] I've heard it said by some that it isn't manly for a man to use perfume.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, I'm not using perfume.
Mary Margaret Matthews: Well, whatever it is, it's a lovely scent. I don't see why a boy shouldn't smell good if he can.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally, the Lifeguard (#4.4)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally is too young to take the lifeguard job he was looking forward to, so he takes a job selling hot dogs and sodas at Friends Lake] Y'know Wally, I just been thinkin' - maybe tomorrow when you're sellin' hot dogs on the beach, all the other lifeguards'll be out rescuin' people, and there'll be this girl, and she'll start drownin', and you'll throw away your hot dogs and swim out and save her in front of all the people.
Wally Cleaver: Aw, cut it out, Beav. You know that's not gonna happen.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. And even if it did, on account of you're not 18, you'd have to throw her back.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Orchid (#3.27)" (1960)
Wally Cleaver: The Sophomores are having this Spring dance Saturday night, and it costs $3.00 a couple.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, you're going to take a young lady, huh?
Wally Cleaver: Sure, Dad. A couple's gotta be a young lady and a fella.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Caddy (#6.21)" (1963)
[first lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [the whole family is seated around the breakfast table] And another thing, Beav, if you find any lost golfballs on the course, don't pick 'em up 'til they stop rollin'.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Who do you think I am - Eddie Haskell?

"Leave It to Beaver: Double Date (#6.5)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Wally and Beaver's double date with Carolyn and her younger sister Susan has just been called off] Problems, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, Dad. Now Carolyn's sister's not goin'.
Ward Cleaver: She's not going?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. I shoulda known something like this was gonna happen. Women. Wow!
Ward Cleaver: [as June walks in] Oh, sorry, Mom, I didn't mean big women. I just meant little women like, uh, like Susan.
Wally Cleaver: [as Wally goes upstairs, Ward addresses June with all the pompous sarcasm he can muster] Women. Wow!

"Leave It to Beaver: The Credit Card (#6.20)" (1963)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, how about drivin' me and Gilbert down to the malt shop?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, gee, Beav, I don't have any money for gas. Anyway, it's only a couple of blocks.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I'll buy you a gallon of gas. It'll be worth 32 cents to ride around like big shots.

"Leave It to Beaver: New Doctor (#1.31)" (1958)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [reading medicine label] Hey, Mom, it says here, 'take one pill twice a day'.
June Cleaver: That's right.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, gee, how do you take the same pill twice?
June Cleaver: You know, you have your father's sense of humor.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Book Report (#6.30)" (1963)
June Cleaver: [Beaver hasn't done his book report, and his library book is overdue] Beaver, haven't you read any of it?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, yeah, I read the whole first chapter. But it was so long ago, I don't remember it.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, well you just put that ball and glove away and get started on it right now.
Theodore Cleaver: But gee, Dad, it's a thick book. It'll take me at least two whole days to read it.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you should have thought of that two weeks ago.
Theodore Cleaver: I did. I guess that's why I didn't read it.
June Cleaver: Why did you pick such a thick book?
Theodore Cleaver: Cause I got to the library last, and all the thin ones were taken.
Wally Cleaver: [later] "The Three Musketeers" is a great book... Wait 'til you get into it. There's all kinds of fightin', and blood, and everything.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but library books are no good for book reports.
Wally Cleaver: What do you mean?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, on store-bought books they have covers, and on the cover it tells what the story is all about.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Guest (#1.38)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: But how come you always do the outside cookin'?
Ward Cleaver: Well I'll tell you son. Women do alright when they have all the modern conveniences but us men are better at this rugged type of outdoor cooking. Sort of a throwback to caveman days. Hand me those asbestos gloves will you Wally?

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Practical Joke (#6.35)" (1963)
Wally Cleaver: Hey Eddie, what happened to your back seat covers?
Eddie Haskell: Search me. They were there last week.
Wally Cleaver: I hope your battery's not dead.
Eddie Haskell: Now how could it be dead? I just took it out of my father's car this morning.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Pug Nose (#2.19)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: [trying to convince Wally not to be self-conscious about his "pug" nose] You know, when I was your age, I went through an experience very like this.
Wally Cleaver: About your nose?
Ward Cleaver: No, my ears. Some kid called me "elephant ears", and I got to thinking I was a regular Dumbo. Well, they didn't sell ear-flatteners in those days, so I started putting adhesive tape right here...
[he points to his ear lobes, laughing at himself]
Ward Cleaver: ...to keep the ears flat.
Theodore Cleaver: How come it didn't work, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: [annoyed] Beaver, I'm talking to Wally, please.

"Leave It to Beaver: School Bus (#3.3)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: You want me, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Yes, Beaver. This note came from school today.
Wally Cleaver: [sensing trouble] Uh, I was just goin' downstairs, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: Fine.
Wally Cleaver: Uh, I'll see ya, Beav.
Theodore Cleaver: See ya, Wally.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, you've been riding the school bus for five days now...
Theodore Cleaver: Four.
Ward Cleaver: [patiently] All right, four. Sit down. And now you've been suspended for 'conduct not up to fourth grade behavior pattern.' What did you do?
Theodore Cleaver: I hit a kid on the head.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, that was a terrible thing to do.
Theodore Cleaver: No it's not, it was Charles Fredericks.
Ward Cleaver: Well, why would you suddenly hit Charles Fredericks on the head?
Theodore Cleaver: 'Cause he suddenly hit me on the head first.

"Leave It to Beaver: Party Invitation (#1.15)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: You know Linda Dennison, the new girl in my class?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, what about her?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, she's been botherin' me.
Wally Cleaver: Well, she hits ya, hit her back.
Theodore Cleaver: No, she's been botherin' me different. She always wants to sit next to me in the cafeteria, and she always wants to walk home with me. Why would she want to do that, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know. You know how girls are. They're nice to you, they usually got an angle. Maybe she wants to copy your homework.
Theodore Cleaver: Nobody ever wants to copy my homework.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I guess so. Hey Beav, what's she look like?
Theodore Cleaver: She looks awful. She looks like a girl.
Wally Cleaver: All girls look like girls.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but Linda Dennison looks more like a girl than any girl I've ever seen.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally Goes Steady (#5.1)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: [At dinner, Ward and June are unsure how to bring up the subject of Wally going steady] How come you guys keep staring at me? Am I eating like a pig again?
Ward Cleaver: [uncomfortable and still evasive] Well, Wally, can't your mother and I look at you?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but it makes me feel kinda creepy. You know, like when the Coach walks through the locker room.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Football Award (#6.2)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: Oh, Hi Mom, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: Hello, Wally.
June Cleaver: Hi.
Wally Cleaver: I just stopped by the library on the way home.
Ward Cleaver: [looking at the books Wally is carrying] Oh, "Ballet Steps by Darinsky", "Hair Styling at Home", "Beauty Hints and Secrets". Uhm, your homework assignment?
Wally Cleaver: [annoyed] These aren't my books. I walked home with Mary Ellen Rogers. I guess I must have given her mine instead.
Ward Cleaver: Hah! What did she wind up with, "How to Boil Out a Carburetor"?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Makes a Loan (#3.11)" (1959)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey, Wally, what are you doin'?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Sit-ups.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What are they?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: They're push ups, only you do 'em sittin' down.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Gilbert (#2.25)" (1959)
June Cleaver: Did you win?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Nah, we lost.
Ward Cleaver: 6 to 2.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah. Mr. Driscoll, our science teacher, was umpirer.
June Cleaver: Well, isn't he fair?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh yeah, he's fair. But he's more fair to the other team.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Takes a Walk (#3.6)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: Hey mom, if me and Tooey get the motor scooter running would you buy it off of us to go to the market with?
June Cleaver: Well Wally I think Tooey's mom deserves first crack at it.
Wally Cleaver: Sure, we'll ask her.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's License (#6.3)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally asks to get his driver's license, and his parents leave the room to discuss the matter] What are you gonna do, Wally, if they say No?
Wally Cleaver: What can I do?
Theodore Cleaver: I think you can get Dad to OK it, but Mom's the one who's puttin' up the fight.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. That's because she was never a guy.

"Leave It to Beaver: Bachelor at Large (#6.8)" (1962)
Clarence Rutherford: [Eddie has left home to live in his own apartment] That guy's really livin' it up. The only time he's been back home is to get clean sheets.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, have you boys, uh, seen where he's living?
Wally Cleaver: Well, not yet. Eddie says he's been pretty busy and hasn't had a chance to have the guys over yet.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, it must really be neat to have your own place, and to be your own boss.
Clarence Rutherford: Yeah. Eddie says he's even gonna get a telephone. Boy, wouldn't that be a blast? You could talk all night to your girl without your snoopy parents tell... This is very good pot roast, Mrs Cleaver.
June Cleaver: Thank you, Clarence.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, well, I wonder if Eddie is enjoying a meal like this in his room tonight.
Clarence Rutherford: Oh, he's doing very well, Mr Cleaver. He's been buying TV dinners.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, does he have his own television set?
Clarence Rutherford: Not yet. He eats the TV dinners and listens to the radio.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Shave (#2.8)" (1958)
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Hey fellas, you wanna feel something?
Chester Anderson: What?
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Feel my upper lip.
Tooey Brown: Hey, don't tell me you're startin' to shave!
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: What do you mean, startin'? I been shavin' for over two months.
Chester Anderson: I've been shavin' for six months.
Wally Cleaver: No foolin'?
Chester Anderson: Almost once a month.

"Leave It to Beaver: Blind Date Committee (#3.1)" (1959)
June Cleaver: [BMOC Duke Hathaway has appointed Wally to the school dance committee] Who are you taking to the dance?
Wally Cleaver: If you're on the committee, you don't have to take anybody. You just spend the whole evening making the other guys have a good time.
Ward Cleaver: Was that the Duke's idea?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. He's got everything all organized. He even appointed two fellas just to see that none of the other guys throw sandwiches.
June Cleaver: Well, what's your job?
Wally Cleaver: The Duke's gonna tell me today. He told me yesterday he was too busy to talk to me.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, when I get to High School, I'm not going to any dances - even if they would let me throw sandwiches.
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, one of these days you'll change your mind about girls, the way Wally did.
Wally Cleaver: Gee Mom, I don't know if mine's changed all the way. There's an awful lot of girls that still give me the creeps.
Ward Cleaver: Well, just hang on to that feeling as long as you can, son.

"Leave It to Beaver: Farewell to Penny (#5.15)" (1962)
[first lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [reading an invitation, while in the kitchen] 'You are invited to a party at school for Penny. Three-thirty, Friday. Cake and ice cream will be served.' Signed - 'Mrs. Henry Woods.' You might as well throw this one away, Mom.
June Cleaver: Now, why wouldn't he want to go to a party at school for Penny Woods?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, in the first place - 'cause she's a girl. In the second place - 'cause Beaver says she's just about the creepiest girl in the whole school.
June Cleaver: Oh, I think that's ridiculous. I wanted him to go because I think this is going to be a sweet little affair.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Okay, Mom. But I think it's going to be one of those 'sweet little affairs' Dad's gonna have to beat him into going to.

"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Golf Clubs (#5.14)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: There's gonna be more yellin' and screamin' around here than when you were a little kid and you tried to put your marbles in the garbage disposal.
Theodore Cleaver: Maybe between now and Saturday I could buy Dad a new golf club.
Wally Cleaver: Now where are you gonna get the money? They cost around twelve bucks.
Theodore Cleaver: No foolin? Boy, when you grow up your toys sure cost a lot of money, don't they?
Wally Cleaver: How much money have you got?
Theodore Cleaver: About three dollars.
Wally Cleaver: Well, maybe you could buy it on some kind of an installment plan.
Theodore Cleaver: What's that?
Wally Cleaver: Well, that's a system they got so that people who can't afford stuff can buy it anyway.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, that's pretty neat. Does it really work?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure it does. How do you think Dad bought this house? He put up a down payment and then he pays the guy who owns the house somethin' every month.
Theodore Cleaver: You mean we're livin' in somebody else's house?
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, sorta.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, if they got mad at us or somethin', they could come over here and throw us out.
Wally Cleaver: Naw, they can't just come over and throw us out. This is a democracy. They've gotta pay a high-priced lawyer to come around and throw us out.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, I never knew lawyers had so much fun.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Test (#3.17)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey, Wally, what are you rubbin' on your face?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Aftershave lotion.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: How come?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: To smell good.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What's the good of smellin' good for me?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: I'm not smelling good for you. I'm just practicing smelling good.

"Leave It to Beaver: Train Trip (#1.26)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: Oh uh boys, by the way you'll be glad to know I'm fully recovered.
Wally Cleaver: Recovered?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah from that nasty fall I took out of the airplane. Well good night.

"Leave It to Beaver: Eddie's Double-Cross (#4.8)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Heck, Wally, girls are rats. They're even rats in Sunday School.
Wally Cleaver: What do you mean they're rats in Sunday School?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, take this girl we read about in the Bible. She met this real neat guy and she cut off his hair, and then she turned him over to these bad guys, and they dragged him away, and they stuck out his eyes, and they were mean to him, too.
Wally Cleaver: Oh, yeah. That was Samson and Delilah.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. And if girls are rats in the Bible, how do you expect them to be in person?

"Leave It to Beaver: The Black Eye (#1.3)" (1957)
[last lines]
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Wally?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: What, Beav?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: The rules are a lot easier on grownups than they are for little boys.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Sure they are, Beaver. The grownups are the ones that make the rules.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Chuey (#2.4)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: [the boys are working on Wally's bike in the garage] Wally, do we have to have these kids hangin' around? Tell 'em to beat it.
Wally Cleaver: You tell 'em, Eddie. You're takin' Spanish, and always braggin' how good you are.
Theodore Cleaver: Can you really talk to him in Spaniard, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: If I want to.
Theodore Cleaver: Tell him he can stay overnight, and maybe in the morning we'll make a skate coaster.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, go on, Eddie.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie, go on.
Eddie Haskell: [to Chuey] ¿Como está Ud.?
Chuey Varela: [con sorpresa y alegría] Bien, gracias. ¿Beaver y yo podamos sacar tu bicicleta?
Eddie Haskell: He speaks Spanish, all right.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver the Athlete (#2.37)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: Say Wally when you went to Beaver's school wasn't the same gym teacher there than?
Wally Cleaver: Oh you mean Coach Grover? Yeah he's been there a long time. I remember he came with the new swings.
Ward Cleaver: Well uh what sort of a fellow is he?
Wally Cleaver: Well he's sort of a tall guy with a whistle around his neck.

"Leave It to Beaver: Dance Contest (#2.33)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: [at dinner, Wally reads his invitation to the Country Club Cotillion] Now why would Mary Ellen Rogers pull a dirty trick like this on me?
June Cleaver: Well, Wally, I think it was very sweet of her to ask you.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, son, it's quite an honor.
Theodore Cleaver: What's a "quotillion"?
Wally Cleaver: Aw, that's a creepy dance where a bunch of parents hang around and make sure you don't have any fun.
June Cleaver: Wally, I think you'll have a lovely time. Besides, this is the sort of thing you *should* go to. You know, a boy can't go through life wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt.
Theodore Cleaver: [with a touch of panic] Gee, Mom, why not?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Tonsils (#4.20)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: When Lumpy Rutherford had his tonsils out, he brought 'em to school in this little jar. They were floatin' around in the alcohol like a couple of little sausages. Then when...
June Cleaver: [quietly, looking queasy] Wally, please?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. I forgot you were a girl.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's English Test (#5.11)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: [about Beaver's English teacher, Mr. Blair] What's he like?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, he... Well, he's the kind of guy who drives around in a convertible, but he never puts the top down.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Takes a Bath (#3.2)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: Hey dad if I saved up my allowance could I buy a monkey?
Ward Cleaver: Of course not!
Wally Cleaver: OK then I won't save up.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Freckles (#4.5)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Wally, you're a dear, sweet boy.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Ah, gee Mom, don't say that. It kind of makes me feel creepy.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's House Guest (#4.2)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, when Chopper comes tomorrow, don't be mean to him.
Wally Cleaver: Why should I be mean to him? I don't even know him. Hey, how come they call him 'Chopper', anyway.
Theodore Cleaver: 'Cause his first name's Dryden.
Wally Cleaver: Oh. No wonder they call him 'Chopper'. Hey, but how come you're so afraid I'm gonna be mean to him?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, at camp I told him what a neat family we had, and how we're all happy and everything.
Wally Cleaver: What did you go and make up all that junk for?
Theodore Cleaver: We're happy, aren't we?
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, I guess we're happy.
Theodore Cleaver: That's good, 'cause sometimes I can't tell.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally and Alma (#3.25)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, did you skunk the girl at tennis?
Wally Cleaver: No, I didn't skunk her. She won.
Theodore Cleaver: You got beat by a girl?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, well, uh, I kind of let her win. Y'know, when you're playin' with a girl that's sort of the polite thing to do. Anyway, her mother was watchin'.
Theodore Cleaver: How come it works that way?
Wally Cleaver: What way?
Theodore Cleaver: You gotta be nice and polite to girls, but they don't have to be polite to you.
Wally Cleaver: Well, uh, it's kinda like chivalry. The knights started that stuff a long time ago.
Theodore Cleaver: You mean, on account of a lot of dead guys, we've gotta let girls push us around?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Weekend Job (#5.6)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: I saw Beaver out front. He tells me Wally's gone down to see about that part-time job at the soda fountain.
June Cleaver: Yes, Mr Gibson, the owner's making his decision today.
Ward Cleaver: Y'know, I think Wally has a very good chance to get it.
June Cleaver: Well I don't know why not, you know, he's very well-mannered, he's polite, he's conscientious.
Ward Cleaver: And he has his father's charm.
June Cleaver: That's right, but maybe Mr Gibson will overlook that.
Ward Cleaver: [that night at dinner] Well, Wally, I'm sure proud of you getting that job with Mr Gibson.
Wally Cleaver: Well, gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Theodore Cleaver: That's neat, Wally, but when do you start being a jerk down at the soda fountain?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Kenneth (#4.12)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [in front of the bedroom mirror] What are you doin', Wally?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: I'm puttin' talcum powder on my beard, so it'll hide it.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But you don't got a beard.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, but if I put enough talcum powder on it, nobody will know that.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Track Meet (#4.18)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Wally. You know what? Well, I'd like to go to some other planet where they didn't have any rules at all.
Wally Cleaver: Look, Beaver, I betcha even if you went to the moon, they'd have signs all over the place, like, um, like, 'Don't spit in the craters', and junk like that.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I guess you can't have any real fun until you croak.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Prize (#3.4)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: [throwing the ball around on the front lawn] Hey Wally, is this a sinker?
Wally Cleaver: Naaah. Snap your wrist. You're throwin' like a girl.
Theodore Cleaver: [outraged] I am not. I haven't thrown like a girl since I was *six years old!*

"Leave It to Beaver: The Hypnotist (#3.24)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: With a girl?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah she's sort of a girl.
Theodore Cleaver: You know something Wally?
Wally Cleaver: What?
Theodore Cleaver: You're getting to be an awful wiseguy since you started taking baths.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Finds a Wallet (#3.30)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Wally, I wonder if you'd mind going to the supermarket for me.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, I guess I could. I'm not hardly doing anything.
June Cleaver: [lecturing tone] Wally, you never use not and hardly together. Either you're not doing anything, or you're hardly doing anything.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh. I wasn't sure, so I stuck 'em both in.

"Leave It to Beaver: School Play (#2.11)" (1958)
Larry Mondello: [discussing the upcoming Third Grade school play] I just hope it's not one of those mushy plays where they've got kissing.
Hubert Whitney: They're not allowed to have kissing 'til the seventh grade.
June Cleaver: [later after the play, talking about the Beaver] Ward, he was just wonderful.
Ward Cleaver: He was the best canary I ever saw.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I was waiting for him to fall on his face or something.
Ward Cleaver: [heading backstage to congratulate The Beaver] Come on, let's go back and get him.
June Cleaver: You know, Ward, he was so sweet it almost makes up for not having a girl.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Becomes a Hero (#4.3)" (1960)
June Cleaver: What happened in school today?
Wally Cleaver: Ah nothin' much. Oh the girl sitting next to me got a scare during geometry test.
June Cleaver: Dear what did you do?
Wally Cleaver: Well I made believe I didn't notice. Then the teacher called the school nurse and they came and took her away. Well it was really something, she bawled all the way to the infirmary.
June Cleaver: Oh Wally that's terrible.
Wally Cleaver: Oh well gee mom I don't think she really flipped or anything. She just doesn't dig geometry.

"Leave It to Beaver: Brother vs. Brother (#5.31)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: If you want this girl to like you, you gotta quit goin' around like such a little slob.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. Boy, when you get mixed up with girls you sure have to give up a lot, don't ya?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Runs Away (#1.37)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Ward, Wally just told me. What's this all about the Beaver?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, he just ran away from home.
June Cleaver: [frantic] Oh, Ward, let's go get him!
Ward Cleaver: Oh, no, that's exactly what he wants us to do.
June Cleaver: But he might mean it.
Ward Cleaver: Now, June, there's nothing to worry about. He'll walk around the block once, and he'll be back by the time we finish our soup.
Wally Cleaver: [enter Wally] Did he really go?
June Cleaver: Yes, he did.
Wally Cleaver: Hey, Dad, he said he was gonna join the pirates, and come back with a wooden leg.
June Cleaver: [Wally and his Dad laugh about the idea; June is not amused] Ward Cleaver, if he does, I'll never speak to you again!

"Leave It to Beaver: The Spot Removers (#3.33)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [asking Wally about a party he went to] Did you take all those records, and dance with girls?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I danced with some girls.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, did they have any good stuff to eat?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Wally, I'm your brother, so you can tell me this: Which do you like better, dancin' with girls, or eatin'?
Wally Cleaver: Well, with some girls I'd rather be dancin', but other girls, when I'm dancin' with them, I'd rather be eatin'.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Cat Problem (#5.5)" (1961)
[last lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [referring to Gilbert's dog] Hey, Beaver, Archie really went home, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, I told him, and he went. You know, it's a lot easier talking to dogs than it is to cats.
Ward Cleaver: Cats are very smart, though, Beaver. It's just that when you call someone Bootsy-Wootsy, he's inclined to be a little difficult.

"Leave It to Beaver: Mother's Helper (#4.23)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Wally, when you get married are you gonna have your wife do the dishes?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure. That's what a girl is supposed to do. All the housework, and the dishes, and all that kinda stuff.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, when I grow up, I'm not gonna marry a girl.
Wally Cleaver: [with a hint of sarcasm] Oh, you're not?
Theodore Cleaver: Huh-uh. I'm gonna have paper plates instead.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Grass Is Always Greener (#2.15)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, if you wanna get washed, I left some soapy water in the basin.
Wally Cleaver: No thanks, Beav, I already got washed with my own water.
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, what'cha readin'?
Wally Cleaver: A guy gave it to me at school. It's the Explorer's Handbook. It's a thing the Boy Scouts have for High School guys.
Theodore Cleaver: Do they go out in the woods, and cook without fires, and stuff like that?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, they go on hikes, but you oughta see the other neat stuff they do. Explorers have skin diving, they teach you how to sail, and fix cars, they show you how to get jobs, and put on plays. They even have dances.
Theodore Cleaver: Dances? With girls?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure, Beav. That's all there is to dance with.
Theodore Cleaver: I'd rather take a million hikes than dance with a girl.

"Leave It to Beaver: More Blessed to Give (#6.18)" (1963)
Wally Cleaver: [Wally is telling Beaver why he shouldn't have given an expensive gift to a girl he likes] You don't go around givin' an expensive hunk of stuff like that to everybody you like.
Theodore Cleaver: I know, Wally, but this is a different kind of likin'. It's not like Sunday School likin', or Ten Commandments likin', it's a kind of likin' that... well, you know what I mean.
Wally Cleaver: Sure, but... but Beaver, you're too young for that kind of likin'.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, if I'm too young for that kind of likin', how come I've got that kind of likin'?
Wally Cleaver: Search me. Maybe you've been seein' too many movies or somethin'. But Beaver, feelin' this way about a girl at your age can get you in nothin' but trouble.
Theodore Cleaver: But how can you get in trouble just feelin' good about somebody?
Wally Cleaver: Well, 'cause at your age a guy can feel good about a dog, or about basketball, or about your parents or somethin', but to feel good about a girl, that's murder!
Theodore Cleaver: I never thought of that.
Wally Cleaver: Look, Beaver, they have a rule in your school about kids not datin', don't they?
Theodore Cleaver: Well sure, but I'm not datin' her.
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, but givin' her an expensive present like that is worse. It looks like you're in love with her or somethin'. And a guy in the eighth grade just can't look like he's in love with a girl in the eighth grade.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, I didn't think it was that bad.
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure. You can't start actin' dumb and stupid about girls at least until you're in High School... A kid like you isn't supposed to go runnin' around like Frank Sinatra!

"Leave It to Beaver: One of the Boys (#5.34)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Wally has been invited to join The Barons, a High School club] They seem like a nice bunch of fellows?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, I don't know, Dad. Eddie says they're the craziest.
June Cleaver: Craziest?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, that doesn't mean they're squirrely or anything, Mom. It just means they're real cool guys.
Ward Cleaver: You know, when I was a boy, when we said 'crazy' we meant 'crazy'.
June Cleaver: [gently mocking] How backward!
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Mom, I'll bet in those days you said somethin' like 'swell', or somethin', huh Mom?
June Cleaver: Well, no, I think we said, 'keen'.
Theodore Cleaver: Keen? They don't even use that on _Dobie Gillis_ any more.
Theodore Cleaver: [later] Eddie said the Barons are real cool. You know what 'cool' means, don't you Mom?
June Cleaver: Mmm-hmm. Sometimes I think it means 'not so hot'.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, I never thought of it that way.
June Cleaver: Goodnight, Beaver.
Theodore Cleaver: Goodnight, Mom.

"Leave It to Beaver: Substitute Father (#4.39)" (1961)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [at the bottom of the staircase, calling upstairs] Hey, Mom!
June Cleaver: Yes, Wally.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Could Eddie spend the night here?
June Cleaver: Not while your father's away.
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: [dejected] Boy. Everybody around here is wise to me. I might just have to move to a new town and start all over.

"Leave It to Beaver: The School Picture (#4.30)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally is fixing his new, broken walkie-talkie] That's an Army surplus thing, isn't it Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah.
Theodore Cleaver: How come the Army's always sellin' stuff?
Wally Cleaver: I think that's the way they make their money between wars.

"Leave It to Beaver: Teacher Comes to Dinner (#3.9)" (1959)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [all dressed up, and very nervous about his teacher coming to dinner] Hey, Wally, what are you doing just lying there?
Wally Cleaver: I'm not doing anything. I'm just lying here.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You wouldn't want to take a bath, would you?
Wally Cleaver: Now why would I want to do that? Coach made us take a shower after practice.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, it wouldn't hurt you to take another one. I found this soap in the linen closet. I thought you might want to use it.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beaver, that stuff smells like flowers.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well it wouldn't hurt you to smell like flowers just for one night.
Wally Cleaver: Cut it out, Beaver. This is your teacher. Why should I have to smell good?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Wally, I'd take an extra bath for you sometime, if it was important enough.
Ward Cleaver: [later, just before Miss Landers arrives] Well, you dressed already, Beaver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, dad. How do I look?
Ward Cleaver: Well, you look just like a perfect little gentleman.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You want to smell me?
Ward Cleaver: No, I'll do that later.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Poncho (#1.23)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: Hey, Beaver, what is it?
Theodore Cleaver: You know, Wally, it's a dog.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I guess he is. I think he's what they call a Mexican Hairless.
Theodore Cleaver: He's hairless, all right, but I don't know if he's Mexican.
June Cleaver: [later, downstairs] Beaver, he's so tiny.
Theodore Cleaver: Wally says he's a bald-headed Mexican.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Boat Builders (#2.16)" (1959)
Chester Anderson: Now all we gotta do is get some skin to cover the boat.
Theodore Cleaver: There's no animals around here got that much skin.
Wally Cleaver: The Eskimos use seal skin. What are we gonna use?
Chester Anderson: Hey, my father's got an old raccoon coat. Maybe we could use that.
Tooey Brown: Aw, cut it out. Who wants a fuzzy canoe?

"Leave It to Beaver: Forgotten Party (#2.36)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver forgets about a friend's birthday party; instead he goes out and falls into the tar on a new road; Ward is scrambling to get him 'presentable'] Will you tell me how you could possibly forget an invitation to a birthday party?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee Dad, David invited me way last Wednesday. I was too busy worryin' about Wednesday's stuff to remember any of Saturday's stuff.
Wally Cleaver: Hey Dad, he's still smelly.
Ward Cleaver: Go get some of your mother's perfume.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [beginning to panic] Gee Dad, I can't go to the party smellin' like a girl!
Ward Cleaver: Well, uh, get some of my shaving lotion.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I can't go to the party smellin' like a father, either.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you're not going to go smelling like a bucket of tar. And don't you dare cry!
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, Beav. You want Dad to start hittin' ya?
[Ward shoots him a withering glance]
Wally Cleaver: [sheepishly] Uh, perfume or shaving lotion?
Ward Cleaver: Both.

"Leave It to Beaver: Eddie's Girl (#2.2)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: What are you guys gonna do today?
Wally Cleaver: We thought we'd go over to Chester's. A skunk got in his garage last night.
Eddie Haskell: No foolin'? Is it still there?
Wally Cleaver: No, but the smell is.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I never smelled a real skunk before.
Eddie Haskell: Aw, that's kid stuff.
Wally Cleaver: Maybe. What are you gonna do, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: Oh, I don't know. I might go over and see my girl. Want to come along?
Theodore Cleaver: I'd rather smell a skunk.