Ward Cleaver
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Quotes for
Ward Cleaver (Character)
from "Leave It to Beaver" (1957)

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"Leave It to Beaver: The Haircut (#1.4)" (1957)
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, it would have been very easy for me to forgive you if you had just stood up and said, "Dad, I lost my money and Wally gave me the haircut."
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [stands up] Dad, I lost the money and Wally gave me the haircut.

June Cleaver: Agh!
Ward Cleaver: What's the matter?
June Cleaver: I just thought of his head again.

June Cleaver: Ward, wouldn't that be downright sneaky?
Ward Cleaver: Sure, it would. It's the only way we can survive as parents.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: If I tell you you'll be mad at me.
Ward Cleaver: That's ridiculous. Now, come on, tell me.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I losted my money.
Ward Cleaver: Again! Oh, Beaver! Your mother and I have been very patient with you, but this habit of losing money has got to stop.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I told you you'd be mad at me.

[first lines]
Ward Cleaver: What are you looking for?
June Cleaver: I lost one of my wings.

[pre-credits introduction]
Ward Cleaver: When you're young, there are some thing you have to learn. How to catch a baseball. And good table manners don't come too easily. But when you're a boy, losing things is one of the few lessons you don't have to learn. And that's our story tonight on "Leave it to Beaver."

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Dance (#3.21)" (1960)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [reading a newspaper on the living room couch] Hey, Dad, what's community property?
Ward Cleaver: Well, community property means that your mother owns half of everything I earn or own.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: What a gyp! No wonder women get married!

June Cleaver: Wally, your brother has been invited to the Mayfield Cotillion dances.
[she shows him the invitation]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Dances? Hey, can I be around here when you show him this?
Ward Cleaver: What do you want to be around for?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, blue suits and white gloves - man, The Beaver's gonna go right through the ceiling... Boy, there sure is gonna be a lot of yellin' and screamin' around here.
June Cleaver: He was invited, and of course he's going to go.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, OK, Mom, but on Saturday, Dad, you better be around to drag him.
June Cleaver: Wally, why wouldn't he want to go? He'll get a chance to be dressed up and look his best, and learn some manners, and he'll meet some very charming little girls.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, gee, Mom, any one of those creepy things would kill the deal.
June Cleaver: Wally, you're just being difficult. What do you think, Ward?
Ward Cleaver: I think I better be prepared to drag him.

Ward Cleaver: [Beaver has just come home after he and Larry ditched dancing school and rode a horse] June, Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly are home.
Larry Mondello: [whispering to The Beaver] Is your father makin' a joke?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I think so.
June Cleaver: Well, how was dancing school?
Larry Mondello: Just fine, Mrs Cleaver. Wasn't dancing school just fine, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh yeah, dancing school was just fine.
June Cleaver: Beaver, your suit - it's all wrinkled and mussed up.
Larry Mondello: They played some pretty fast numbers, Mrs Cleaver.
Ward Cleaver: [sensing that something is wrong] Boys, won't you sit down?
June Cleaver: Beaver, look at you. You're covered with hair.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Mom, maybe some of the girls were sheddin'.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Haircomb (#2.34)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver wants Ward to hear him recite the poem he's memorizing for school] I'm s'posed to memorize it. It's that hunk right there, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: You mean this stanza here?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, that's the hunk. Hear me on it.
Ward Cleaver: Well, go ahead.
Theodore Cleaver: Uh, you better give me the first word.
Ward Cleaver: [patiently] One.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, yeah. 'One if by land and two if by sea / And I on the opposite shore shall be. / Ready to ride and spread the alarm / to every middle-sized village and farm.'
Ward Cleaver: [amused] Oh, no, Beaver, it's not 'middle-sized' village and farm, it's the county of Middlesex. It's in Massachussetts.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, we don't have to learn where the town is, we just gotta learn the poem.
Ward Cleaver: Sorry.
Ward Cleaver: [later, upstairs] I just came up to see if Beaver would like me to hear his poem again, before he went to bed.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, sure, Dad. 'One if by land and two if by sea / And I on the opposite shore will be. / Ready to ride and spread the alarm / to every middle-aged village and farm... '
Ward Cleaver: Well, that's getting there.

Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, don't your mother and I detect a slight difference in the way you're combing your hair?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I didn't think you'd notice.
Clarence Rutherford: Mr Cleaver, Eddie Haskell and all the guys are combin' their hair like that.
June Cleaver: Well, Clarence, I notice that you're not.
Clarence Rutherford: I would comb my hair like Wally's, Mrs Cleaver, but I got a funny-shaped head.
Ward Cleaver: [trying to be tactful] Oh, really, I hadn't noticed.
Clarence Rutherford: Daddy says it's because when I was a baby, I slept on one side too much.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, it is kinda lopsided.
June Cleaver: [quietly] Beaver!
Ward Cleaver: Uh, you know, fellas, it's a funny thing, um, speaking of fads...
Theodore Cleaver: We weren't speaking of fads. We were speakin' about Lumpy's lopsided head.
Ward Cleaver: Yes. Ah, what I was about to say is, um, there are always a lot of fellows who follow every fad that comes along. But there are also always a few who, uh, well who have enough individuality to sort of go their own way. You know what I mean, Wally.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Just like squares.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, eat your vegetables, boys.

Fred Rutherford: [on the telephone with Ward] Our boy Clarence came home today looking perfectly ghastly.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, Lumpy?
Fred Rutherford: He's wearing a most distressing hair-do. He tells me he copied it from your boy. Frankly, Ward, it's destroyed the boy's looks.
Ward Cleaver: [barely hiding his sarcasm] Fred, I can't believe that's possible.
Fred Rutherford: Yes, indeed. His mother's very upset. We sent him to school this morning, a fine, strapping boy. And tonight he came home looking like a rather ugly girl.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Cat Problem (#5.5)" (1961)
June Cleaver: I wish Beaver had told us where he was going this morning. We ought to make that a rule around here, so we don't worry.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, sometimes I think if we really knew where they were going, we'd worry more.

[last lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [referring to Gilbert's dog] Hey, Beaver, Archie really went home, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, I told him, and he went. You know, it's a lot easier talking to dogs than it is to cats.
Ward Cleaver: Cats are very smart, though, Beaver. It's just that when you call someone Bootsy-Wootsy, he's inclined to be a little difficult.

June Cleaver: Did you bring home strange animals when you were their age?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, sure. Bringing home animals is just a part of being a boy, I guess. Kids don't seem to do it, though, as much today as we used to.
June Cleaver: Why do you suppose that is?
Ward Cleaver: I don't know. I guess they don't need to talk to animals as much. Nowadays, they have psychiatrists.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Bank Account (#1.19)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Well, Ward, I didn't expect you home for lunch.
Ward Cleaver: No? Who did you expect?

Ward Cleaver: That's the trouble with kids. Just when you think you've built up a real understanding with them, a real man-to-man relationship, they turn right around and start acting like children!

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Ivanhoe (#3.36)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: [reading a list of suggested books given to Beaver's class by Miss Landers] "Here Comes Connie", "Hoppy the Kangaroo", "Little Claude", and "Penny Bobbins".
June Cleaver: Yes, dear. He wants to pick one of those books to read. He wondered if you had any of them in here.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I hardly think so. "Hoppy the Kangaroo" is just not the kind of book I like to curl up with.
June Cleaver: "Little Claude", "Penny Bobbins". They sound so cute.
Ward Cleaver: Cute? What ever happened to all the real "boys' books" I used to read? You know, "Two Years Before the Mast", or "Last of the Mohicans", or "Call of the Wild". Didn't you used to read books like that?
June Cleaver: I'm afraid not, dear. The strongest thing they ever let me read was "Dorothy Vernon of Haddon Hall".
Ward Cleaver: Well, I think I'll see if I can't find him something a little more manly than "Here Comes Connie".

Ward Cleaver: [encouraging Beaver to read Sir Walter Scott's "Ivanhoe" for his school assignment] There's a lot of excitement in the book, Beaver. You see, these knights fought to defend their code of honor. And they, oh, they rode all over the countryside, avenging wrongs and protecting the weak.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. And my History teacher says that in between times they ate like pigs.
Ward Cleaver: Wally!
Wally Cleaver: Well sure they did. They ate on these big wooden tables, and they had their dogs runnin' around underneath the tables so they could wipe their hands on 'em.
Theodore Cleaver: [excited] Boy, could we get a dog to do somethin' like that, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Well, people lived differently then, Beaver. But it was a time of great adventure and excitement. I know you're gonna like "Ivanhoe".
Theodore Cleaver: [looking at the book Ward has given him] Well, I guess so, Dad. But it sure is a lot fatter than "Hoppy the Kangaroo".
Theodore Cleaver: [after Ward goes downstairs] Hey Wally, does this guy really kill a lot of guys?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure. Then he gets in this big tournament with eight or nine guys, and he goes around spearin' them off their horses, like marshmallows.
Theodore Cleaver: And everybody eats like a pig?
Wally Cleaver: Sure. They throw food all over the place.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Wally, this sounds like the neatest book I ever read!

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally, the Businessman (#3.35)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Wally looks worried!
Ward Cleaver: Well he's an American businessman, it's obligatory to look worried.

Theodore Cleaver: Mom, could I have something to eat?
June Cleaver: Well, how would you like an igloo bar? I'll pay for it.
Theodore Cleaver: Uh, uh. I wouldn't eat one of those crummy igloo bars of Wally's if I was starvin' out in the desert and my tongue was hangin' out.
Ward Cleaver: Care for a pickle, Beaver?
[trying to get rid of a jar of pickles he bought on impulse, he holds the jar just under Beaver's face]
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Dad, what happened in there?
Ward Cleaver: Why nothing, Beaver.
Theodore Cleaver: I think I'll have a salami sandwich.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Orchid (#3.27)" (1960)
June Cleaver: He doesn't seem very happy for a boy who's taking the prettiest girl in his class.
Ward Cleaver: Well, dear, escorting a glamor girl is a disconcerting blend of pleasure and pain.
June Cleaver: How do you know so much about glamor girls?
Ward Cleaver: I married one.

Wally Cleaver: The Sophomores are having this Spring dance Saturday night, and it costs $3.00 a couple.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, you're going to take a young lady, huh?
Wally Cleaver: Sure, Dad. A couple's gotta be a young lady and a fella.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Practical Joke (#6.35)" (1963)
Ward Cleaver: Well, I guess this is the time of year for kids to horse around. I remember when I was in High School, one of the fellows had one of those little Austin cars. Well, about ten of us got together and carried it up the school steps, and put it right...
June Cleaver: [interrupting] Ward...
Ward Cleaver: Oh, uh, I keep forgetting. I'm not supposed to have had any fun when I was a kid.

June Cleaver: Why are you looking so grim?
Ward Cleaver: I'm reading the comics. They have more international disasters than the front page! Y'know, when I was a kid you looked at Happy Hooligan and you knew he was funny.
June Cleaver: Who's Happy Hooligan?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, don't you remember? During the Holidays, the kids used to wish each other a "Mary Pickford and a Happy Hooligan".
June Cleaver: [mocking] Oh, the mad, gay times you used to have.
Ward Cleaver: The Shaker Heights swinger.

"Leave It to Beaver: School Bus (#3.3)" (1959)
June Cleaver: [Ward reads a note from the school, containing the rules for the new school bus service] Ward, that's wonderful. We won't have to worry about him fooling around on the way to school any more.
Ward Cleaver: No, I suppose not. Although, I always thought of walking to school as one of childhood's most cherished memories. Well, I suppose it has to be swept away, along with corduroy knickers and the felt beanie.
June Cleaver: Corduroy knickers?
Ward Cleaver: Well sure, don't you remember, dear? When you walked, they whistled.
June Cleaver: I went to a girls' school.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I better take these rules up to Beaver so he can look 'em over after supper tonight.
June Cleaver: He'll probably be as excited about riding the bus as you were with your whistling knickers.

Theodore Cleaver: You want me, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Yes, Beaver. This note came from school today.
Wally Cleaver: [sensing trouble] Uh, I was just goin' downstairs, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: Fine.
Wally Cleaver: Uh, I'll see ya, Beav.
Theodore Cleaver: See ya, Wally.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, you've been riding the school bus for five days now...
Theodore Cleaver: Four.
Ward Cleaver: [patiently] All right, four. Sit down. And now you've been suspended for 'conduct not up to fourth grade behavior pattern.' What did you do?
Theodore Cleaver: I hit a kid on the head.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, that was a terrible thing to do.
Theodore Cleaver: No it's not, it was Charles Fredericks.
Ward Cleaver: Well, why would you suddenly hit Charles Fredericks on the head?
Theodore Cleaver: 'Cause he suddenly hit me on the head first.

"Leave It to Beaver: Party Invitation (#1.15)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: You mean all those kids in dresses were girls?

Theodore Cleaver: [talking with the family about Linda Dennison's party] Anyway, I ain't goin'.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, you're *not* going.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, thanks, Dad, I thunk you'd make me.

"Leave It to Beaver: School Sweater (#3.23)" (1960)
Wally Cleaver: [after talking to Frances on the telephone] Boy, how d'ya like that, Dad? I told her off real good this afternoon, and now she calls me up.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, and I think you can count on her calling you again, and, uh, probably again. Just, uh, one of the ways of women.
Wally Cleaver: But gee, that's goony. Can anything be done about it?
Ward Cleaver: [in his best mock-serious tone] No-one's ever found a way yet, son.

June Cleaver: Oh Ward, I just hope that girl stops bothering Wally.
Ward Cleaver: Dear, we just have to face it. He's going to be interested in lots of girls, and one of these days, he'll end up marrying one.
June Cleaver: Well, I don't mind that, I just don't think this girl was the right type for him.
Ward Cleaver: Ahhm, what type girl do you think he should marry?
June Cleaver: Oh, well, some very sensible girl from a nice family. One with both feet on the ground, who can cook and keep a nice house and see that he's happy.
Ward Cleaver: Dear, I got the last one of those!
June Cleaver: That's very sweet of you to say that.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, it is, isn't it!

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Big Date (#5.8)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Ward, Wally's pretty angry. You don't suppose he'll go up there and hurt Eddie, do you?
Ward Cleaver: I don't know. I think I'll wait about half an hour, and then go up and check.

Theodore Cleaver: Gilbert found a two-foot garter snake, and he's willing to sell me a half interest in it for fifteen cents!
June Cleaver: No, Beaver, now I don't want you buying any interest in any snake.
Theodore Cleaver: [later, on the living-room telephone] Okay, just a minute, I'll ask my Mom.
Theodore Cleaver: [to June] Hey, Mom, can I buy a half interest in Gilbert's garter snake for five cents?
June Cleaver: Well, the price certainly came down.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, that's 'cause he's dead.
June Cleaver: Beaver, I'm afraid the answer is still 'No'.
Theodore Cleaver: Aw, gee, Mom.
Theodore Cleaver: [back on the 'phone with Gilbert] I'm sorry, Gilbert, but my Mom won't let me. Well, yeah, OK. Gee, thanks a lot, Gilbert.
Theodore Cleaver: [he hangs up the phone, excited] He said I could have the whole thing for nothin'!
Ward Cleaver: Now Beaver, what on earth would you do with a dead garter snake?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I could scare girls with it 'til it gets rotten!

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Poster (#4.22)" (1961)
[last lines]
June Cleaver: You gonna help me with the dishes tonight?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Dear, I - uh - I didn't help Beaver with his painting. I can't start playing favorites now.

June Cleaver: Well, where are you two headed?
Ward Cleaver: I'm going to clean out the garage, and Wally's going to help me.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Dad's making me help him.
Ward Cleaver: Wally, I'd like to think you were helping me just because you're a nice guy.
Wally Cleaver: Oh sure, Dad. Hey, Mom, where's the Beaver?
June Cleaver: Oh, he's up in the attic. I think he's playing up there.
Wally Cleaver: Hm, let's get him, Dad. Why should he get out of being a nice guy?

"Leave It to Beaver: Dance Contest (#2.33)" (1959)
June Cleaver: You know, Ward, it's funny. That dance is tomorrow night and Wally hasn't mentioned it all week... When I was his age and there was a dance coming up, well, I got all excited about it.
Ward Cleaver: Well dear, he's the male of the species. We don't get excited about things like that. When the night of the dance comes, we just change our socks and off we go.
June Cleaver: Well, I did get him to make one concession. I'm meeting him downtown after school and getting him a new pair of shoes.
Ward Cleaver: Good. Now if you can get him into a clean shirt, you're all set.
June Cleaver: Ward Cleaver, you have no romantic instinct at all!
Ward Cleaver: Dear, I'm a married man!

Wally Cleaver: [at dinner, Wally reads his invitation to the Country Club Cotillion] Now why would Mary Ellen Rogers pull a dirty trick like this on me?
June Cleaver: Well, Wally, I think it was very sweet of her to ask you.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, son, it's quite an honor.
Theodore Cleaver: What's a "quotillion"?
Wally Cleaver: Aw, that's a creepy dance where a bunch of parents hang around and make sure you don't have any fun.
June Cleaver: Wally, I think you'll have a lovely time. Besides, this is the sort of thing you *should* go to. You know, a boy can't go through life wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt.
Theodore Cleaver: [with a touch of panic] Gee, Mom, why not?

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's New Suit (#2.10)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Wally, why did you and the other boys at the last minute decide not to take dates to the dance?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, Eddie said it's better if we go by ourselves. That way, you get to dance with all the other guys' girls, then you don't get stuck with them and have to buy 'em stuff on the way home.
Ward Cleaver: I think that's a very practical approach.
June Cleaver: I think it's horrible.

Ward Cleaver: June, why are you defending that suit? That's the most horrible-looking thing I ever saw.
June Cleaver: Dear, I'm not defending it. I agree with you. But we made a bargain with him. Now, you said he could buy a suit and you wouldn't criticize it.
Ward Cleaver: All right, let him wear that horse blanket to the dance Saturday night. But what are you going to do when our friends see him in it?
June Cleaver: I suppose we could move.
Ward Cleaver: You know, we may have to.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Takes a Bath (#3.2)" (1959)
June Cleaver: Do you have room in your suitcase for my shoes?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah I guess so. What's the matter with your suitcase?
June Cleaver: Well I don't want to jam them in with my dresses.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, of course not. Maybe you could wrap them in one of my clean shirts.

Wally Cleaver: Hey dad if I saved up my allowance could I buy a monkey?
Ward Cleaver: Of course not!
Wally Cleaver: OK then I won't save up.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Freckles (#4.5)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: It's not important what you look like on the outside. It's what you are on the inside that counts.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, nobody can see my insides.

[last lines]
June Cleaver: It certainly was a change. Yesterday, freckles was the biggest thing in his whole life.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, well, that's one of the advantages of being a kid - the biggest problem in your life seldom lasts more than twenty-four hours.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Paper Route (#1.17)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: Well, I think we can arrange to put a new tire on your old bike.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Wouldn't it be better to put a new bike on the old tire?

Ward Cleaver: What's this all about?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It's our paper route, Dad. We're gonna earn a bike and surprise you, just like you did your father.
June Cleaver: But boys, you get home from school pretty late as it is. Isn't that a lot of papers to deliver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Only 58.
June Cleaver: But Beaver...
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, there's nothin' to deliverin' papers. You just fold 'em up and throw 'em at people.

"Leave It to Beaver: Water Anyone? (#1.7)" (1957)
June Cleaver: Ward, wasn't there a Cleaver way back in your family who sold guns to the Indians?
Ward Cleaver: No, that was whiskey. It just got 'em in the mood to buy guns.

Ward Cleaver: [on the telephone] Yes, Mrs Brown, I know Theodore has been selling water to the boys, but I felt...
Mrs. Brown: [interrupting] Well I, for one, think it's disgraceful. The idea of a child taking advantage of his playmates! Why, the last time he was here he got Tooey's pen-knife away from him. Of course, it's none of my business, but I say it's things like this that lead to juvenile delinquency, and... and Communism!

"Leave It to Beaver: School Play (#2.11)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: Well - guess this is your big night, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, I guess so.
Ward Cleaver: Well, sure. You got a big part in the play. All your friends are gonna be there. Expect you got some butterflies in your stomach, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: How would they get in there, Dad?

Larry Mondello: [discussing the upcoming Third Grade school play] I just hope it's not one of those mushy plays where they've got kissing.
Hubert Whitney: They're not allowed to have kissing 'til the seventh grade.
June Cleaver: [later after the play, talking about the Beaver] Ward, he was just wonderful.
Ward Cleaver: He was the best canary I ever saw.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I was waiting for him to fall on his face or something.
Ward Cleaver: [heading backstage to congratulate The Beaver] Come on, let's go back and get him.
June Cleaver: You know, Ward, he was so sweet it almost makes up for not having a girl.

"Leave It to Beaver: One of the Boys (#5.34)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Wally has been invited to join The Barons, a High School club] They seem like a nice bunch of fellows?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, I don't know, Dad. Eddie says they're the craziest.
June Cleaver: Craziest?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, that doesn't mean they're squirrely or anything, Mom. It just means they're real cool guys.
Ward Cleaver: You know, when I was a boy, when we said 'crazy' we meant 'crazy'.
June Cleaver: [gently mocking] How backward!
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Mom, I'll bet in those days you said somethin' like 'swell', or somethin', huh Mom?
June Cleaver: Well, no, I think we said, 'keen'.
Theodore Cleaver: Keen? They don't even use that on _Dobie Gillis_ any more.
Theodore Cleaver: [later] Eddie said the Barons are real cool. You know what 'cool' means, don't you Mom?
June Cleaver: Mmm-hmm. Sometimes I think it means 'not so hot'.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, I never thought of it that way.
June Cleaver: Goodnight, Beaver.
Theodore Cleaver: Goodnight, Mom.

Ward Cleaver: [Wally wants to join the Barons, a club at his school] Wally, you don't seem to know many of the fellows well. Don't you think you should find out a little more about the Barons before you join up?
Theodore Cleaver: I know something about 'em. They're a weird bunch.
June Cleaver: What do you mean, weird?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, you oughta see 'em, Mom. They all wear gray trousers, and they've got these blue jackets and ties...
June Cleaver: Well, they sound to me like a nice group of gentlemen.
Theodore Cleaver: That's what I mean. *Weird.*

"Leave It to Beaver: The Poor Loser (#6.31)" (1963)
Ward Cleaver: Paul Miller down at the office has to fly to the coast this weekend, so he gave me a couple of tickets to the baseball game. Would you like to go?
June Cleaver: Oh honey, that's more of a treat for the boys. Anyway, it spoils the game for you trying to explain to me what's going on.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, well, the only trouble is there are three of us boys, and I only have two tickets.
June Cleaver: Oh, that does present a problem. Which one do you ask?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, who should get priority? The oldest or the youngest?
June Cleaver: I suppose it should be the oldest.
Ward Cleaver: I'm sure that solution will be agreeable to everyone. Except the youngest.

Ward Cleaver: I have a couple of tickets to the game Friday night, and knowing how much both of you boys like baseball, I...
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Dad, do I have to go?
Ward Cleaver: You mean you don't want to go?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, sure Dad, I'd like to, it's just that me and Gilbert were going to the movies Friday night, and I don't want to back out on him now.
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, is it something special?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, Mom, it's a western in Cinerama, and they had to take out the first four rows to get a screen big enough to handle all that killin'.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Ice Skates (#5.9)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: [referring to Beaver] June, isn't he spending an awful lot of time at that skating rink?
June Cleaver: Oh, honey, he loves it so. He spends more time at the rink than he does at home.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I guess he's just taking after his father. When I was his age, I practically lived on the ice.
June Cleaver: [wryly] And now you can hardly get the ice trays out of the refrigerator.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally Stays at Lumpy's (#5.24)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [arriving home from work] Hi, dear.
June Cleaver: Hi. Ward, guess what!
Ward Cleaver: Lumpy Rutherford's having a party.
June Cleaver: Oh, how'd you know?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it's all Fred talked about down at the office today. I think there was less fuss made when we put a man in space.
June Cleaver: Oh, must be going to be a big affair.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, yeah. Fred's even talking about having it catered. I think he has the idea that this party may make Lumpy the Lucius Beebe of Mayfield.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Rat (#4.31)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver brings home a rat named Peter Gunn] That's a very fine looking rat, Beaver. But I, uh, I have a feeling that your mother would be a lot happier if you traded him for something else.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, what's Mom got against rats?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, it's not just your mother, Beaver. It's, uh, well it's just that women don't seem to have as soft a spot in their hearts for rats as we men do.
Wally Cleaver: Sure, Beav. You know how it is. They don't like blood, or dirt, or any of those neat things.
June Cleaver: [later] Did you talk Beaver into getting rid of that rat?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, yeah, he's going to try and trade him for something else tomorrow.
June Cleaver: Good. How'd you convince him?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, I just told him that women were full of strange quirks, and it was up to us to humor them.
June Cleaver: [Beaver's solution prompts an evening visit by Fred Rutherford to the Cleaver household] What's the trouble, Squire?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it seems that Beaver sold Peter Gunn to Violet Rutherford for $3.00.
June Cleaver: Well, that sounds like a very good deal.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, it was too good a deal. After all, Violet's just a girl. She can't be expected to know the going price of rodents.

"Leave It to Beaver: Part-Time Genius (#1.14)" (1958)
[opening narration]
Ward Cleaver: You know, it's only natural for parents to feel proud of their children. And there's nothing so fascinating as your own offspring. But when another parent raves about his children, it's amazing how you can lose interest. And that's the way our story begins tonight on 'Leave It To Beaver'.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Ring (#2.7)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: You know, Wally, when I went to high school, we used to have to wear a collar and tie to school everyday.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, gee, Dad, they're not allowed to be that mean to you, anymore.

"Leave It to Beaver: June's Birthday (#3.13)" (1959)
June Cleaver: Oh Ward, do you think Beaver's taste will ever improve?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that...

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Prep School (#6.27)" (1963)
Ward Cleaver: [Aunt Martha wants to send Beaver to a prep school, but he has decided he wants to stay in Mayfield] Beaver, you've put everyone on a spot here. But, of course, we're not going to force you to go to a school you don't want to go to.
Theodore Cleaver: [relieved] Gee, thanks Dad. And when you tell Aunt Martha, will you please not make me sound like it's a little rat.
Ward Cleaver: Me tell Aunt Martha? Oh, no, young man. You got yourself into this and you're going to get yourself out. If you were old enough and capable enough to decide you wanted to go in the first place, then you're old enough and capable enough to tell Aunt Martha that you've changed your mind and you're not going.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, it sure is rough being old and capable.

"Leave It to Beaver: Voodoo Magic (#1.13)" (1958)
[last lines]
Ward Cleaver: [talking to June] Well - looks like there might be some hope for Eddie, too - huh?

"Leave It to Beaver: Captain Jack (#1.2)" (1957)
[opening narration]
Ward Cleaver: Children and adults look at the world through different eyes. When you're young - a policeman stands 10 feet tall. And, if you see it in print - it's supposed to be true. And, the first time you fall in love - it's not always with a girl. And, that's our story tonight on 'Leave It To Beaver'.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Dramatic Club (#4.24)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: [Beaver gets the lead in a school play, then learns he has to kiss a girl in the story. He agrees, on condition that his family won't attend. After the play, the questioning:] What happened when you kissed Vicky?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, nothin'. I kissed her, then I climbed out of the castle window, and that was all.
Ward Cleaver: Well, now, then, that wasn't so bad after all, was it son?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: No. But I don't think I'll ever get to where I enjoy it as much as Wally does.

"Leave It to Beaver: Mistaken Identity (#4.28)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Do you think all parents have this much trouble?
Ward Cleaver: No - just parents with children.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Library Book (#3.18)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: In the first place, it's always wrong to tell a lie, and in the second place, you just build up more trouble for yourself by not facing the truth.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I wouldn't mind facin' the truth, if so much hollering didn't go with it.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Yard Birds (#5.32)" (1962)
[last lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Boy! When we got to the dump - that was really funny.
June Cleaver: What happened there?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, after we dumped the stuff, Lumpy couldn't get his car started.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah - so we all had to get out and start pushin'.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah - just then this guy from The City came along and started blowin' his top.
Ward Cleaver: What for?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, he saw Lumpy's car, and he thought we were tryin' to steal it from the dump.

"Leave It to Beaver: A Horse Named Nick (#2.27)" (1959)
June Cleaver: [the carnival is in town, and the boys have gotten jobs there] Ward, I don't like the idea of those boys working around a carnival.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, dear, rubbing down horses and cleaning out cages and carrying water to animals, why - gee, I didn't know there was anything that wonderful left in the world for kids to do.
Theodore Cleaver: [upstairs, after washing up] Hey Wally, what happened to all the dirty clothes we took off?
Wally Cleaver: I think Mom threw 'em in the wash.
Theodore Cleaver: [disappointed] Gee, whiz. I wanted to go to school tomorrow smellin' like I worked at a carnival.
Ward Cleaver: [on Saturday, waiting for the boys to come home on their last day of carnival work] You know, this has been a great experience for them.
June Cleaver: Maybe. I'll be glad when they start coming home smelling like boys again.

"Leave It to Beaver: Tire Trouble (#3.14)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: [about Wally and Beaver] Dear, did you know they were planning on raising chinchillas?
June Cleaver: Yes, they told me yesterday.
Ward Cleaver: Why didn't you say something to me about it?
June Cleaver: Because Beaver promised me the first coat free.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Sees America (#6.37)" (1963)
Wally Cleaver: Hey, how come you're gettin' all dressed up tonight... using my Arabian Nights after shave lotion?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, what's wrong with it? You use it.
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, but you're too young to start smellin' good.
Theodore Cleaver: A guy's gotta start some time.
June Cleaver: [later, June finds out Beaver didn't go to Whitey's house, as he had said] Ward, aren't you worried?
Ward Cleaver: Not particularly. I got a whiff of him as he went by.
Mary Margaret Matthews: [then Beaver is seen on a porch swing talking to Mary Margaret] I've heard it said by some that it isn't manly for a man to use perfume.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, I'm not using perfume.
Mary Margaret Matthews: Well, whatever it is, it's a lovely scent. I don't see why a boy shouldn't smell good if he can.

"Leave It to Beaver: Double Date (#6.5)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Wally and Beaver's double date with Carolyn and her younger sister Susan has just been called off] Problems, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, Dad. Now Carolyn's sister's not goin'.
Ward Cleaver: She's not going?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. I shoulda known something like this was gonna happen. Women. Wow!
Ward Cleaver: [as June walks in] Oh, sorry, Mom, I didn't mean big women. I just meant little women like, uh, like Susan.
Wally Cleaver: [as Wally goes upstairs, Ward addresses June with all the pompous sarcasm he can muster] Women. Wow!

"Leave It to Beaver: The Book Report (#6.30)" (1963)
June Cleaver: [Beaver hasn't done his book report, and his library book is overdue] Beaver, haven't you read any of it?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, yeah, I read the whole first chapter. But it was so long ago, I don't remember it.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, well you just put that ball and glove away and get started on it right now.
Theodore Cleaver: But gee, Dad, it's a thick book. It'll take me at least two whole days to read it.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you should have thought of that two weeks ago.
Theodore Cleaver: I did. I guess that's why I didn't read it.
June Cleaver: Why did you pick such a thick book?
Theodore Cleaver: Cause I got to the library last, and all the thin ones were taken.
Wally Cleaver: [later] "The Three Musketeers" is a great book... Wait 'til you get into it. There's all kinds of fightin', and blood, and everything.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but library books are no good for book reports.
Wally Cleaver: What do you mean?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, on store-bought books they have covers, and on the cover it tells what the story is all about.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Guest (#1.38)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: But how come you always do the outside cookin'?
Ward Cleaver: Well I'll tell you son. Women do alright when they have all the modern conveniences but us men are better at this rugged type of outdoor cooking. Sort of a throwback to caveman days. Hand me those asbestos gloves will you Wally?

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Pug Nose (#2.19)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: [trying to convince Wally not to be self-conscious about his "pug" nose] You know, when I was your age, I went through an experience very like this.
Wally Cleaver: About your nose?
Ward Cleaver: No, my ears. Some kid called me "elephant ears", and I got to thinking I was a regular Dumbo. Well, they didn't sell ear-flatteners in those days, so I started putting adhesive tape right here...
[he points to his ear lobes, laughing at himself]
Ward Cleaver: ...to keep the ears flat.
Theodore Cleaver: How come it didn't work, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: [annoyed] Beaver, I'm talking to Wally, please.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally Goes Steady (#5.1)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: [At dinner, Ward and June are unsure how to bring up the subject of Wally going steady] How come you guys keep staring at me? Am I eating like a pig again?
Ward Cleaver: [uncomfortable and still evasive] Well, Wally, can't your mother and I look at you?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but it makes me feel kinda creepy. You know, like when the Coach walks through the locker room.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Football Award (#6.2)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: Oh, Hi Mom, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: Hello, Wally.
June Cleaver: Hi.
Wally Cleaver: I just stopped by the library on the way home.
Ward Cleaver: [looking at the books Wally is carrying] Oh, "Ballet Steps by Darinsky", "Hair Styling at Home", "Beauty Hints and Secrets". Uhm, your homework assignment?
Wally Cleaver: [annoyed] These aren't my books. I walked home with Mary Ellen Rogers. I guess I must have given her mine instead.
Ward Cleaver: Hah! What did she wind up with, "How to Boil Out a Carburetor"?

"Leave It to Beaver: New Neighbors (#1.5)" (1957)
Theodore Cleaver: Dad, you're a married man, aren't you?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, I think we're safe in assuming that.
Theodore Cleaver: And Mom's a married woman, isn't she?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, yes.
Theodore Cleaver: Have you ever kissed any other married woman besides Mom?
Ward Cleaver: Well... now, Beaver, why would you ask a question like that?
Theodore Cleaver: I'm just wondering.
Ward Cleaver: Well, actually son, No.
Theodore Cleaver: I guess you were scared to, huh?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, that's as good a way as any to sum it up, I guess.
Theodore Cleaver: I guess a guy could get in a lot of trouble doing that, huh?
Ward Cleaver: [a wistful smile crosses Ward's face] He sure could.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Gilbert (#2.25)" (1959)
June Cleaver: Did you win?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Nah, we lost.
Ward Cleaver: 6 to 2.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah. Mr. Driscoll, our science teacher, was umpirer.
June Cleaver: Well, isn't he fair?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh yeah, he's fair. But he's more fair to the other team.

"Leave It to Beaver: It's a Small World (#1.0)" (1957)
June Cleaver: Ward, can you see any possible use for Franklin Milk bottle caps?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah. To hold the Franklin Milk in the Franklin Milk bottles.
June Cleaver: The boys have got a whole dishpan of them upstairs. They've been collecting them all week.
Ward Cleaver: It's nothing to be alarmed about. In my day, the collecting instinct was strong in every American boy worth his salt. I'm happy to see it has survived television, child psychology and the inroads of progressive education.
June Cleaver: I think I'm going to ask them why they're collecting those things.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, no, June, don't you dare think of such a thing. You're flying in the face of Dr Brady. I quote, "A child's world is his own sacred domain and his privacy must at all times be respected."
June Cleaver: All right, but we respected it last Summer and they set fire to the attic!

"Leave It to Beaver: Kite Day (#4.37)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: I hope this isn't one of those ventures where we start out together and I wind up finishing alone.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, no, Dad. Mr Fairchild, who's running the contest for the friendly merchants, says, well, they're havin' it so fathers and sons can get together, well, and do junk.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, Dad. That's the big deal now. They think that it's sound psychology to make fathers feel like they're participating in the lives of their children.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I take it Mr Fairchild has no children of his own.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, no, Dad. He's our gym teacher. Only parents have children.

"Leave It to Beaver: Bachelor at Large (#6.8)" (1962)
Clarence Rutherford: [Eddie has left home to live in his own apartment] That guy's really livin' it up. The only time he's been back home is to get clean sheets.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, have you boys, uh, seen where he's living?
Wally Cleaver: Well, not yet. Eddie says he's been pretty busy and hasn't had a chance to have the guys over yet.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, it must really be neat to have your own place, and to be your own boss.
Clarence Rutherford: Yeah. Eddie says he's even gonna get a telephone. Boy, wouldn't that be a blast? You could talk all night to your girl without your snoopy parents tell... This is very good pot roast, Mrs Cleaver.
June Cleaver: Thank you, Clarence.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, well, I wonder if Eddie is enjoying a meal like this in his room tonight.
Clarence Rutherford: Oh, he's doing very well, Mr Cleaver. He's been buying TV dinners.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, does he have his own television set?
Clarence Rutherford: Not yet. He eats the TV dinners and listens to the radio.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver on TV (#6.22)" (1963)
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Dad, you don't know what it's like to keep tellin' the truth, and nobody'll listen or believe ya.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, if it's any consolation to you, the same thing's happened to an awful lot of people. Big people and little people. They tried to tell the truth, and others just wouldn't listen to them or believe them. But the important thing is, no matter if anyone believes you, you just keep on telling the truth.
Theodore Cleaver: I'll tell you the truth right now, Dad: I'm never gonna get mixed up with television again!

"Leave It to Beaver: Blind Date Committee (#3.1)" (1959)
June Cleaver: [BMOC Duke Hathaway has appointed Wally to the school dance committee] Who are you taking to the dance?
Wally Cleaver: If you're on the committee, you don't have to take anybody. You just spend the whole evening making the other guys have a good time.
Ward Cleaver: Was that the Duke's idea?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. He's got everything all organized. He even appointed two fellas just to see that none of the other guys throw sandwiches.
June Cleaver: Well, what's your job?
Wally Cleaver: The Duke's gonna tell me today. He told me yesterday he was too busy to talk to me.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, when I get to High School, I'm not going to any dances - even if they would let me throw sandwiches.
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, one of these days you'll change your mind about girls, the way Wally did.
Wally Cleaver: Gee Mom, I don't know if mine's changed all the way. There's an awful lot of girls that still give me the creeps.
Ward Cleaver: Well, just hang on to that feeling as long as you can, son.

"Leave It to Beaver: Farewell to Penny (#5.15)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: [June hands Beaver an invitation to Penny's going-away party] I'm not goin'.
June Cleaver: But Beaver, if Penny's mother was nice enough to ask you, you can't be mean enough not to go.
Theodore Cleaver: Sure I can, Mom. Penny's a zombie.
Ward Cleaver: Now Beaver, I don't think that's any way to talk about one of your classmates.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, she's really a horrible girl. And on top of that, she's smart!
June Cleaver: Beaver, that's no way to talk.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Mom, you oughta see her. If her face was on television, parents wouldn't let little kids watch it!

"Leave It to Beaver: The Haunted House (#2.23)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: Well I'm afraid Miss Cooper that Beaver somehow has the uh idea that you're a witch.
Miss Cooper: Oh. Oh I see.
June Cleaver: He is imaginative.
Ward Cleaver: Yes but of course he'd have never got the idea at all except for all those weird monsters in the horror pictures.

"Leave It to Beaver: Miss Landers' Fiance (#4.7)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Ward, I wish Wally wouldn't use words like 'flakey' and 'kooky'.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Dear, you wouldn't want all of his friends to think he was creepy, would you?

"Leave It to Beaver: Train Trip (#1.26)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: Oh uh boys, by the way you'll be glad to know I'm fully recovered.
Wally Cleaver: Recovered?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah from that nasty fall I took out of the airplane. Well good night.

"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Baseball (#3.28)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: I just had to chase Larry away.
June Cleaver: I hope you weren't mean to Larry.
Ward Cleaver: I wasn't mean, dear, I was just firm.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Gosh Dad, Larry's just a kid. I don't know if he knows the difference.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Glamour Girl (#4.10)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, do you have any idea why Wally would make up a thing like this basketball practice?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I guess it's because it isn't football season.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Sheep Dog (#6.11)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver is upset because some girls at school called him a "sheep dog"] It happens to all of us. I remember once the kids called me "elephant ears".
June Cleaver: Did it bother you?
Ward Cleaver: No, not at all. It was Winter, and I just wore a stocking cap to school and pulled it down over my ears.
June Cleaver: Oh, Ward, what did you do when the warm weather came?
Ward Cleaver: I learned to fight.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Chuey (#2.4)" (1958)
June Cleaver: [June is trying to make Chuey's mother feel welcome, in spite of their language barrier] Won't you sit down? No, sit down. La mesa...
Carmela Varela: ¿La mesa?
June Cleaver: [pointing to the chair] La mesa.
Carmela Varela: Oh, gracias.
June Cleaver: [later, after Sra Varela leaves] Ward, isn't "la mesa" the Spanish word for chair?
Ward Cleaver: No, I think it's "la silla".
June Cleaver: Oh, dear. Heaven knows what I told her to sit on.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Long Night (#5.18)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: June, Gilbert's always talking about his parents. Have you ever met them?
June Cleaver: Oh, I see her at the supermarket once in a while. She seems like a very calm, sensible person.
Ward Cleaver: You can't really go by that. You may look the same way to her.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver the Athlete (#2.37)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: Say Wally when you went to Beaver's school wasn't the same gym teacher there than?
Wally Cleaver: Oh you mean Coach Grover? Yeah he's been there a long time. I remember he came with the new swings.
Ward Cleaver: Well uh what sort of a fellow is he?
Wally Cleaver: Well he's sort of a tall guy with a whistle around his neck.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Dream Girl (#4.29)" (1961)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [June has just stunned Wally by telling him that she's invited his "Dream Girl" - whom he's only admired from afar - to go along on a family picnic] Well, I, uh, I think I gotta go up and clean my teeth now, or somethin'.
June Cleaver: [to Ward] He didn't have very much to say, did he?
Ward Cleaver: Caesar didn't have very much to say to Brutus, either, did he?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Tonsils (#4.20)" (1961)
[first lines]
June Cleaver: [cooking breakfast in the kitchen] What's in the paper, Ward?
Ward Cleaver: Nothing.
June Cleaver: Then why have you been reading it for the last twenty minutes?
Ward Cleaver: Well, you have to read it, before you know there's nothing in it.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's English Test (#5.11)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: [about Beaver's English teacher, Mr. Blair] What's he like?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, he... Well, he's the kind of guy who drives around in a convertible, but he never puts the top down.

Leave It to Beaver (1997)
Ward Cleaver: June, you're vacuuming in pearls. You know what that does to me!

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Weekend Job (#5.6)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: I saw Beaver out front. He tells me Wally's gone down to see about that part-time job at the soda fountain.
June Cleaver: Yes, Mr Gibson, the owner's making his decision today.
Ward Cleaver: Y'know, I think Wally has a very good chance to get it.
June Cleaver: Well I don't know why not, you know, he's very well-mannered, he's polite, he's conscientious.
Ward Cleaver: And he has his father's charm.
June Cleaver: That's right, but maybe Mr Gibson will overlook that.
Ward Cleaver: [that night at dinner] Well, Wally, I'm sure proud of you getting that job with Mr Gibson.
Wally Cleaver: Well, gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Theodore Cleaver: That's neat, Wally, but when do you start being a jerk down at the soda fountain?

"Leave It to Beaver: My Brother's Girl (#1.27)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver confides in his Dad that he took Wally over to Mary Ellen Rogers's house, and they basically told him to get lost] You know, Dad, now it's all over with, I feel kinda silly.
Ward Cleaver: Well Beaver, I'll tell you something about women. They have a wonderful capacity for love and understanding. Their tenderness and their sweetness are all-encompassing. But at times, they do have a knack of making us men look very, very silly.
June Cleaver: [unknown to Ward or The Beaver, June has been listening] I heard that, Ward Cleaver!
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, hi Mom.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, hi Mom.
June Cleaver: [annoyed] Hi. Ward, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, putting ideas like that in The Beaver's mind.
Ward Cleaver: Oh yeah? Do you know what Mary Ellen Rogers did? She used The Beaver in order to get Wally to take her to the dance tonight. And don't look so shocked, because it's exactly what you predicted she'd do.
June Cleaver: I'm not shocked. As a woman, I'm very proud of Mary Ellen.
Ward Cleaver: You mean you think women *should* act this way?
June Cleaver: It's the way women *have* to act. Well, if we sat around and waited until you men got interested in us and got good and ready to settle down and have families, why this whole continent of America would be nothing but buffaloes, jack-rabbits and grizzly bears.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Poem (#2.1)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: Could you help me, Dad? I gotta write a poem for school.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, not tonight, Beaver, I had a very hard day at the office... when's the poem due?
Theodore Cleaver: Tomorrow.
Ward Cleaver: Tomorrow? A poem? Oh, Beaver, I don't know.
Theodore Cleaver: Miss Landers is gonna be mad at me if I don't bring it. It's for the school paper.
Ward Cleaver: When did she first ask you to do this?
Theodore Cleaver: Mmmm, just about three weeks ago.
Ward Cleaver: Three weeks ago? Well, then, why are you coming to me with it tonight?
Theodore Cleaver: Because it's due tomorrow!

"Leave It to Beaver: Tell It to Ella (#6.7)" (1962)
June Cleaver: What's the matter with that boy? He's been rushing away from the table and not acting himself all week.
Wally Cleaver: Maybe he's got a girl.
Ward Cleaver: What makes you think so, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Well, when a guy starts actin' weird, a girl is the first thing you look for.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Finds a Wallet (#3.30)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Dear, I have to wait for Mr. Johnson. Could you take my grocery list, and go to the market?
Ward Cleaver: Well, I'd like to Dear, but don't you remember? I have a dentist appointment.
June Cleaver: Then you can't get my groceries?
Ward Cleaver: Well, I think a dentist appointment is more important. Don't you, Beaver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, Dad. If all your teeth fall out, you won't have anything to eat groceries with, anyways.

"Leave It to Beaver: In the Soup (#4.32)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Where is Wally, anyway?
Ward Cleaver: He's upstairs, shaving.
June Cleaver: Oh, Ward, does Wally really have to shave?
Ward Cleaver: No - but, uh, he asked me if he did, and I didn't want to destroy his confidence by telling him no.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Birthday (#5.4)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver is old enough to make his own decisions about his birthday money, but tells a lie anyway after Gilbert convinces him to buy a model race car, not save the unexpected $10 he gets from Uncle Billy] Well, what should I do about the car, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Well, what do you think you should do?
Theodore Cleaver: You mean I've got to make my own decision about that, too?
Ward Cleaver: I think you should.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I think I oughta keep the car, on accounta I used it, but I'm gonna tell Mom I'm sorry for lyin' to her, and I think I oughta come home from school every day early for a whole week, without havin' any fun.
Ward Cleaver: Fine, Beaver. I have just one suggestion to make.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, yes sir?
Ward Cleaver: I think you should tell Gilbert that his idea didn't work.
Theodore Cleaver: [with a hint of anger] Oh, I'm gonna tell him all right, Dad. And I think I'll tell him while I'm sittin' on him!

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Goes in Business (#4.36)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: Dad, do you think I ought to try again?
Ward Cleaver: Well, of course I do. If I were you and Gilbert, I'd go out first thing tomorrow and line up a real job cutting lawns. Only, uh, this time, make your deal before you cut the lawn, not after.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Yeah, Dad's just using Child Psychology on ya, Beav. It's like this movie I saw on TV, where this Army pilot cracked up his plane on his first flight, and he wanted to quit flyin'.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, and his squadron leader sent him right out again on another flight.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened.
Ward Cleaver: And he overcame his fear.
Wally Cleaver: No, he never got the plane off the ground. Ran it smack into the hangar. But they gave him a neat funeral. They had the band goin', and everything. Could you pass the bread, please?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Autobiography (#6.13)" (1962)
June Cleaver: Beaver, did you tell your teacher that she wrote it?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, no, Ma.
Ward Cleaver: Why, not?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Dad. You can't squeal on a girl.
Ward Cleaver: No, I suppose you can't, but you don't go around letting other people do your homework for you, either. I hope this will be a good lesson to you.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It sure is, Dad. From now on, if anybody does my homework, it's gonna be some creepy boy.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Runs Away (#1.37)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Ward, Wally just told me. What's this all about the Beaver?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, he just ran away from home.
June Cleaver: [frantic] Oh, Ward, let's go get him!
Ward Cleaver: Oh, no, that's exactly what he wants us to do.
June Cleaver: But he might mean it.
Ward Cleaver: Now, June, there's nothing to worry about. He'll walk around the block once, and he'll be back by the time we finish our soup.
Wally Cleaver: [enter Wally] Did he really go?
June Cleaver: Yes, he did.
Wally Cleaver: Hey, Dad, he said he was gonna join the pirates, and come back with a wooden leg.
June Cleaver: [Wally and his Dad laugh about the idea; June is not amused] Ward Cleaver, if he does, I'll never speak to you again!

"Leave It to Beaver: Lonesome Beaver (#1.20)" (1958)
June Cleaver: What kind of stories?
Ward Cleaver: I don't know uh, stories about buffaloes, Indians things like that.
June Cleaver: Well Ward what if Wally doesn't know any buffalo stories?

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Team (#3.39)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [Beaver's football team loses because Penny spilled the secret play to the rivals] Yeah, Dad, and then she said she told Richard and Harry and all the Tigers about our secret play. How could a girl be so dumb as to do somethin' like that?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, uh, you told it to her in the first place. That wasn't such a smart thing, either.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But gee, Dad, I didn't think it was being dumb.
Ward Cleaver: Well, son, I think you've learned something here: Never tell anyone anything you don't want repeated.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But gee, Dad, I like to talk to people. How can I talk to 'em if I don't tell 'em stuff?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it's all right to talk to people, but if you're trying to keep a secret, you must be on your guard.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I guess you gotta be more on your guard with girls than you do with fellas, huh Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Well, yes, uh, but there's no need to tell your mother I said that.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh, don't worry, Dad. We're a couple-a guys that can tell each other stuff.
June Cleaver: [June opens the den door and comes in] There you are. Well, Beaver, what have you been discussing with your father?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [with pride, and a knowing smile] Nothing, Mom. We were just talking like the two of us were men.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Spot Removers (#3.33)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: Well, how was the fishing trip?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, it was real neat, Dad. We didn't catch any fish, but we saw a man slip on a wet rock and we heard almost everything he said.

"Leave It to Beaver: Wally Buys a Car (#6.16)" (1963)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally is explaining why he should have his own car, and Beaver tries to help] Dad, I just thought of something. Sometime your car might break down on a Sunday.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, I'll admit the possibility, but why is it so horrifying?
Theodore Cleaver: Well gee, Dad, don't you see? Then we couldn't get to church. You wouldn't want us to miss church, would ya?
Ward Cleaver: [slightly bemused] Now, son, don't you think it's a little unfair to bring up the religious issue in this campaign?

"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Millions (#4.16)" (1961)
[first lines]
June Cleaver: [entering Ward's den] Did you balance out the checkbook, yet?
Ward Cleaver: No - almost. Um - oh uh, dear, what's this entry here? The stub says eight sixty-nine, but no check came back from the bank.
June Cleaver: Well, I couldn't get the checkbook to balance, so I wrote a check for eight sixty-nine and then tore it up.
Ward Cleaver: [dryly] You know, dear, they could use you in Washington.

"Leave It to Beaver: More Blessed to Give (#6.18)" (1963)
Theodore Cleaver: Dad, about girls.
Ward Cleaver: Yes?
Theodore Cleaver: Does it ever get better?
Ward Cleaver: [clearing his throat, a bit nervous] Well, Beaver, I wish I could say so, but the fact of the matter is, it, uh, it gets an *awful* lot worse before it gets better.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Crush (#1.8)" (1957)
Ward Cleaver: Why don't you boys ever want to tell me anything? I'm really interested in knowing what goes on at school.
Wally Cleaver: Well, nothing ever goes on at school, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, now, Wally, I can hardly believe that.
Wally Cleaver: Well, you go in the morning, and if you've done your homework it's all right. If you haven't, they holler at ya. That's all there is to school.

"Leave It to Beaver: Un-Togetherness (#5.39)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Wally reason for not wanting to go on the family's annual Summer vacation is still a bit of a mystery] Whatever it is, Wally's reached the age where he has a right to make his own decisions.
June Cleaver: Well, I know he has, dear, but this time couldn't you tell him what the right decision is?

"Leave It to Beaver: Sweatshirt Monsters (#5.35)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, we don't want to be nosy, but would you mind telling us what's going on?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh sure, Dad. I gotta go someplace to see somebody about something.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Plays Hooky (#2.17)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver and Larry skip school one day; the next morning, at breakfast] Now, Beaver, there's not going to be any nonsense on the way to school this morning.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, no, Dad.
June Cleaver: Beaver, do Larry's mother and father know what happened yesterday?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh sure, Mom, they know what happened.
Ward Cleaver: I hope he was smart enough to volunteer the information.
Theodore Cleaver: Yes sir, he volunteered.
Ward Cleaver: As soon as he got home?
Theodore Cleaver: No sir. After his father started wallopin' him. Pass the bread, please.

"Leave It to Beaver: Teacher Comes to Dinner (#3.9)" (1959)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [all dressed up, and very nervous about his teacher coming to dinner] Hey, Wally, what are you doing just lying there?
Wally Cleaver: I'm not doing anything. I'm just lying here.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You wouldn't want to take a bath, would you?
Wally Cleaver: Now why would I want to do that? Coach made us take a shower after practice.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, it wouldn't hurt you to take another one. I found this soap in the linen closet. I thought you might want to use it.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beaver, that stuff smells like flowers.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well it wouldn't hurt you to smell like flowers just for one night.
Wally Cleaver: Cut it out, Beaver. This is your teacher. Why should I have to smell good?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Wally, I'd take an extra bath for you sometime, if it was important enough.
Ward Cleaver: [later, just before Miss Landers arrives] Well, you dressed already, Beaver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, dad. How do I look?
Ward Cleaver: Well, you look just like a perfect little gentleman.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You want to smell me?
Ward Cleaver: No, I'll do that later.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver the Babysitter (#5.27)" (1962)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [referring to Wally] Boy! You know, Dad? He really gets a goofy look on his face when he talks to girls. His face gets all red and sweaty. It's like he was catching a fever or something.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you know , Beaver, it is a kind of a fever - and, uh, one that you'll be catching one of these days, probably.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, I just hope when I get to be Wally's age they'll have shots for it or something.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Tooth (#2.21)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: Where are the boys? Aren't they dressed, yet?
June Cleaver: Oh, they're dressed, but Beaver still has to get washed.
Ward Cleaver: Why doesn't he wash before he gets dressed?
June Cleaver: Well, he says that if he waits until he dressed, there's less to wash.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Gets 'Spelled' (#1.1)" (1957)
[opening narration]
Ward Cleaver: When you were young, you had your own set of values. Values that nothing could change. An ice cream cone was a snow-capped mountain of sheer delight. An autographed baseball was more precious than rubies. And, a note from the teacher meant only one thing: Disaster. And, that's our story tonight on 'Leave It To Beaver'.

"Leave It to Beaver: Forgotten Party (#2.36)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver forgets about a friend's birthday party; instead he goes out and falls into the tar on a new road; Ward is scrambling to get him 'presentable'] Will you tell me how you could possibly forget an invitation to a birthday party?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee Dad, David invited me way last Wednesday. I was too busy worryin' about Wednesday's stuff to remember any of Saturday's stuff.
Wally Cleaver: Hey Dad, he's still smelly.
Ward Cleaver: Go get some of your mother's perfume.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [beginning to panic] Gee Dad, I can't go to the party smellin' like a girl!
Ward Cleaver: Well, uh, get some of my shaving lotion.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I can't go to the party smellin' like a father, either.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you're not going to go smelling like a bucket of tar. And don't you dare cry!
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, Beav. You want Dad to start hittin' ya?
[Ward shoots him a withering glance]
Wally Cleaver: [sheepishly] Uh, perfume or shaving lotion?
Ward Cleaver: Both.

"Leave It to Beaver: The Clubhouse (#1.9)" (1957)
Ward Cleaver: [discussing Beaver's attempts to make some money] You know, this reminds me of when I was a kid. I made eighty cents once charging other kids to look at my grandfather asleep in bed.
June Cleaver: Why in the world would anyone want to look at your grandfather sleeping?
Ward Cleaver: He had a beard.

"Leave It to Beaver: Eddie's Girl (#2.2)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: Hello, Mrs Cleaver, may I come in?
June Cleaver: Oh, sure, Eddie, come on.
Eddie Haskell: Is Wally home?
June Cleaver: Yes, he's up in his room.
Eddie Haskell: I can only see him for a minute, because I have to go over and see my girl.
June Cleaver: Well, he's up in his room.
Eddie Haskell: Uh, when you have a girl, you can't spend all your time with the fellas. You have to spend some time with your girl.
June Cleaver: Oh, you have a girl, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: Oh, yes. She goes away to boarding school. My father says that's a pretty good indication her family has money. My father says it doesn't pay to waste time with people who don't count.
June Cleaver: Well, It's nice of you to come over here anyway, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: [looking confused] I beg your pardon, Mrs Cleaver?
June Cleaver: Look, Eddie, why don't you run on upstairs, huh?
Ward Cleaver: [Ward comes into the kitchen] Oh, Hi, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: How do you do, Mr Cleaver. Excuse me, sir.
Ward Cleaver: [exit Eddie] Hmmph. That boy is so polite, it's almost un-American.

"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Old Buddy (#4.19)" (1961)
[first lines]
June Cleaver: [in the boys' bedroom] Good! You're just in time to help me turn the mattress.
Ward Cleaver: Well, at least that's a change. I'm usually just in time to yell at the kids.