Murray Slaughter
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Quotes for
Murray Slaughter (Character)
from "Mary Tyler Moore" (1970)

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"Mary Tyler Moore: The Critic (#7.14)" (1977)
Murray Slaughter: [Murray walks up to introduce himself, and Ted, to Professor Heller at the cocktail party] Professor, uh, I'm Murray Slaughter,
[shakes the professor's hand]
Murray Slaughter: I've enjoyed your writing
Karl Heller: Thank you, thank you. I'd rather you hadn't. What we enjoy, we forget. What irritates stays with us.
Murray Slaughter: That reminds me; do you know Ted Baxter?

Murray Slaughter: I'm a movie buff, myself. I love to watch '''em on television.
Karl Heller: That's where they belong
Murray Slaughter: Come on, you must like some movies.
Karl Heller: Well, it is best which seldom is. A film can be powerful. There was one absolutely first-rate Ukrainian film at the last festival. It was called; Blood On A Dog's Face. It was about deformity.
Murray Slaughter: Oh, boy.
[Murray starts to look queasy]
Karl Heller: But, somehow the subtitles missed all the whimsy.

Ted Baxter: Tonight, our critic-at-large turns his attention to the TV scene. Karl.
Murray Slaughter: [Mary and Murray in the newsroom, watching on Murray's TV] Well, I wonder who Jack-The-Ripper will attack tonight.
Karl Heller: I think it is only fair that we apply the same critical standards to television that we do to anything else.
Ted Baxter: Very sound thinking.
Karl Heller: [Without looking at Ted] Thank you.I think our first task out to be to putter own house in order.
Ted Baxter: Call them the way you see them, Karl. Let the' chiperinos' fall where they may.
Karl Heller: What you're watching at this very moment is a classic example of what's wrong with television in this town.
[Though Ted's smiling at Karl, he has no clue what Karl meant]
Karl Heller: It is the pursuit of personality at the expense of competence.
Ted Baxter: [All serious-faced] I'm not sure I understand.
Karl Heller: [Not even looking at Ted] I'm sure you don't.
[Ted nervously looks off-camera]
Karl Heller: Let's face I; WJM is the biggest offender in that regard. From the dowdy frumpy of The Happy Homemaker Show, to the bumbling, foot-in-the-mouth delivery of a certain anchorman
[Ted -utterly confused - slowly tuns his gaze off-camera to see if anyone knows what Karl's talking about]
Karl Heller: And backing them up, right down the line
[Murray shakes his head, as Mary looks on in disbelief]
Karl Heller: are dull writing, inept staging, and high school production methods.
[Murray looks mad, and Mary looks mad, as well]
Karl Heller: Well, there you are; the emperor has no clothes
[Ted looks too see if he's wearing clothes, then again, looks off-camera, confused]
Karl Heller: Tomorrow, we shall look at some other stations in town, and see if they fair any better. Meanwhile this is Karl Heller saying; let the viewer beware.
Mary Richards: [Murray turns the TV off] 'High school production methods?'
Murray Slaughter: 'Dull writing.' Buy, he didn't miss anybody, did he?
Lou Grant: [Lou's door opens, and he slams his door, and walks to Murray] Murray; be a good guy, and go buy me a gun.
[Lou pulls out a wad of cash, and hands it to Murray]

"Mary Tyler Moore: What Do You Want to Do When You Produce? (#6.15)" (1975)
[Sue Ann is trying to convince Mary to become her new producer]
Sue Ann Nivens: I'm willing to go another 50 bucks a week, even though it does mean digging into my own bra.
Murray Slaughter: Talk about an inflated economy!

[Murray is interested in Sue Ann's job opening]
Sue Ann Nivens: Are you saying you'd be interested in the job I was just offering Mary?
Murray Slaughter: Well, I'm saying that if you can't get anybody, I wish you'd keep me in mind. Why don't you, uh, kick it around overnight?
Sue Ann Nivens: I have other things I kick around overnight...

"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary's Delinquent (#6.8)" (1975)
Murray Slaughter: So: how did things work out at the Big Sisters?
Mary Richards: Terrific! They put you through a kind of screening process, and, uh, I guess I passed, 'cos I've got a little sister!
Murray Slaughter: Ah - what's she like?
Mary Richards: Well we were just sort of introduced, so, we didn't get a chance to talk, but, she's 15, bright, cute as a button, and out on probation for shoplifting.
Sue Ann Nivens: What was the name of this group, Mary?
Mary Richards: The Big Sisters.
Sue Ann Nivens: The big sisters that would be the perfect thing for me to clinch the award and I'd be wonderful at it, because, I had an ideal relationship with my own sister. And it wasn't easy; naturally, she resented being the ugly one.
Mary Richards: I had to mention the Big Sisters, didn't I? Now, because of me, some poor underprivileged kid is going to be forced to learn how to cook a quiche

Ted Baxter: Hey Murray. Murray; where's my money?
Murray Slaughter: Uh, in my top left-hand drawer, Ted.
Ted Baxter: Is that camera left, or 'real' left?
Murray Slaughter: Left, Ted.
Ted Baxter: It's not here, Murray.
Murray Slaughter: What do you mean it's not there?
[growing concerned]
Murray Slaughter: It's got to be there - I just put it there, before lunch!
[after Murray rummages though the drawer]
Murray Slaughter: It's not there!
Ted Baxter: Somebody stole my money!
Mary Richards: Oh, Ted, that's ridiculous. Oh, oh, I know what you're thinking, well, you're just wrong! Francine doesn't steal money from desks! She happens to be a shoplifter!

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Son for Murray (#5.12)" (1974)
Murray Slaughter: I want to leave a little piece of myself behind.
Mary Richards: Why don't you pickle a kidney?

Murray Slaughter: [Referring to the argument he had with Marie] She's got a point, Ted. Overpopulation is a real problem.
Ted Baxter: Sure overpopulation is a problem. That's why people should have lots of babies. Because one day, one of those babies is going to grow up and solve that problem.

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Boy's Best Friend (#5.11)" (1974)
Ted Baxter: I can't wait for Father's Day. I'll have two fathers to send cards to. Of course, Walter's not really my father. Say, do you think they've got a Father's Day card for your mother's lover?
Murray Slaughter: Well, if they don't, they're missing out on a sizable market.

Ted Baxter: Hey, it just occurred to me, the fact that my mother's living in sin - does that make me a...
Mary Richards: No, Ted, *that* doesn't make you one.
Ted Baxter: [sighs in relief]
Murray Slaughter: [Smiles at Ted] But we'll always think of you as one anyway.
Ted Baxter: [Smiles sheepishly as he exits the newsroom] Thanks, Mur!

"Mary Tyler Moore: His Two Right Arms (#2.24)" (1972)
Murray Slaughter: With councilmen, municipal judges and sewer bonds I vote the straight
Murray Slaughter: moe ticket.

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Friend in Deed (#1.22)" (1971)
Ted Baxter: She kept touching me as if she couldn't believe I was real.
Murray Slaughter: We all have that problem with you, Ted.

"Mary Tyler Moore: I Love a Piano (#5.6)" (1974)
[Murray has returned to the newsroom, drunk]
Lou Grant: What have you been drinking?
Murray Slaughter: Pouilly-Fuissé.
Lou Grant: [nods] Too bad.
Mary Richards: What do you... mean? What? Why?
Lou Grant: I've been a newsman for thirty years. I've sobered up guys who were drunk on everything from scotch to aftershave lotion. But never once in my life have I had to sober up anyone who was drunk on Pouilly-Fuissé. I don't know what to do! I don't know whether to give him black coffee or cheese!

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted Baxter Meets Walter Cronkite (#4.21)" (1974)
Murray Slaughter: [meeting Walter Cronkite] So nice to meet you. Really. Nice. Really.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Not a Christmas Story (#5.9)" (1974)
Sue Ann Nivens: [Sue Ann walks in to the newsroom, dressed in a Christmas-themed outfit; red top, red skirt, accessorised with a sprig of mistletoe as a pin, and more mistletoe on the skirt] HI people
Mary Richards, Murray Slaughter: [Half-heartedly] Hi.
Sue Ann Nivens: [Sue Ann walks towards Mary and Murray] Isn't it beautiful out there?
[Mary mumbles in agreement, as she and Murray get back to work, ignoring Sue Ann]
Sue Ann Nivens: I mean - snow always inspires such awe in me.
[Sue Ann starts talking in a 'philosophical' tone]
Sue Ann Nivens: Just consider one single, solitary snow-flake, alone.
[Sue Ann's standing by Mary's desk]
Sue Ann Nivens: So delicate, so fragile, so ethereal
[Mary looks up at Sue Ann with a smile on her face]
Sue Ann Nivens: And yet
[Sue Ann looks wistfully into space]
Sue Ann Nivens: - let a billion of them, come together, through the majestic force of nature, they can screw-up a whole city.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Chuckles Bites the Dust (#6.7)" (1975)
Lou Grant: Lucky more people weren't hurt. Lucky that elephant didn't go after somebody else.
Murray Slaughter: That's right. After all, you know how hard it is to stop after just one peanut.

"Mary Tyler Moore: You Sometimes Hurt the One You Hate (#5.3)" (1974)
Ted Baxter: I finally came up with my title. It's "A Piece of My Mind."
Murray Slaughter: Well, if they can split the atom... ,

"Mary Tyler Moore: Neighbors (#5.13)" (1974)
[Ted is complaining to Mary that he doesn't like the new cue card *girl*]
Ted Baxter: And there's, uh, there's something else, too. I, ahem, I don't feel right, you know, ahem, when I make, ahem, certain kind of jokes during the commercial breaks when a girl's around.
Mary Richards: Well, Ted, if you don't feel right, then don't make them.
Ted Baxter: Well, I... I have to! They keep the little people relaxed. They keep them sort of loose, you know? I need a loose crew, Mary!
Murray Slaughter: Ted, if you don't have a loose screw, nobody does.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted's Change of Heart (#7.5)" (1976)
[Everyone's stunned at Ted's sudden return to normalcy]
Murray Slaughter: What happened?
Mary Richards: Well, I guess this experience, this feeling must go away.
Lou Grant: Yeah. I just remembered. The same thing happened in the war. During combat I never held life more dearly. But the feeling started to go away the minute the Germans stopped shooting at me. I never forgave them for that. I guess it always wears off.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Mary Moves Out (#6.2)" (1975)
Murray Slaughter: You know something? I just figured out why we're having trouble convincing Mary that life in this newsroom isn't boring. It's because it is boring.
Lou Grant: It is?
Murray Slaughter: Yeah! I mean, I'm bored. What do I do all day?
[Gets up from his desk and points toward the teletype machine]
Murray Slaughter: I go in there and I take the news out of that doohinkey.
[Points at his typewriter]
Murray Slaughter: And then I rewrite it on this doohinkey.
[Points at the TV set next to his desk]
Murray Slaughter: And then I turn on that doohinkey,
[points at Ted, who's pouring himself a cup of coffee]
Murray Slaughter: and watch it come out of that doohinkey.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Good-Time News (#3.1)" (1972)
Gordy Howard: [Mar's 'happy talk' revamping of the 6 O'Clock News is a disaster, as Ted s trying to be funny, and show he has 'personality'] And now, speaking for the management of WJM-TV, Mary Richards. And I'm sure after you see her, you'll understand why I say; 'Mary, I don't know what it is your for, or against, but, whatever it is, I'm with you.
Mary Richards: [Smiling] Thank you, Gordy. We'd like to speak out tonight for population control . Between the years 1932 and 1978, the population of the world will have doubled.
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary] that should do something for our ratings, hey, Mary?
Mary Richards: [Nervously smiling] population experts agree that if growth continues at this rate, world population will reach 7 billion by the year 2000.
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary, again] Hey, I think I'll go into the diaper business.
Mary Richards: [Beginning to stutter] Which points to a disaster of global importance.
Ted Baxter: Oh come on, Mare, don't be such a gloomy Gus.
Mary Richards: The management of WJM feels that television can play a critical role in the control the population growth...
Ted Baxter: [Interrupting Mary] We sure can. As long as they're watching the old tube, they can't make the population grow, can they?
Mary Richards: Television has a responsibility...
Ted Baxter: Get it, Mare?
Mary Richards: [Turning to Ted, off camera] Will you shut up, Ted?
[Ted - off-camera - looks at Mary with disbelief. Mary, turns to face the camera. We see her on a monitor - shocked at what she just said. Her mouth open, and eyes wide, she just stares straight ahead]
Lou Grant: [Lou, who's been drinking while watching the broadcast with Murray] Murray, did I just hear right? Did I hear Mary tell Ted to shit-up on the air?
Murray Slaughter: [Drunk] Yeah.
Lou Grant: [Smiles] Good.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Dinner Party (#4.10)" (1973)
Lou Grant: Ted, why are you always doing stuff like showing up in places where you weren't invited with a pint of sherbet?
Murray Slaughter: Be fair Lou, the sherbet's a new touch.

"Mary Tyler Moore: The Co-Producers (#4.18)" (1974)
Ted Baxter: [offended at having been insulted by Rhoda] Some people don't like the color green, I don't like the word 'dumb.' I don't know what it is about that word that rubs me the wrong way; I just don't like it.
Murray Slaughter: It must be the same reason I don't like the word 'bald.'

"Mary Tyler Moore: Father's Day (#4.6)" (1973)
Ted Baxter: What if he doesn't like me?
Murray Slaughter: Why shouldn't he like you? He doesn't know you.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Support Your Local Mother (#1.6)" (1970)
Mary Richards: Murray?
Murray Slaughter: What?
Mary Richards: What special are we doing?
Murray Slaughter: It's called "Is Air Pollution Really So Bad?"
Mary Richards: Tell me, what kind of a television station does a special favoring air pollution?
Murray Slaughter: The one where the chairman of the board owns a smelting plant.

"Mary Tyler Moore: Bess, You Is My Daughter Now (#1.3)" (1970)
Ted Baxter: Whatever happened to the good old days when they had wars in England?
Murray Slaughter: You'd find a way to mispronounce London.

"Mary Tyler Moore: A Reliable Source (#6.22)" (1976)
[Mary is upset that Lou is going to expose the congressman]
Mary Richards: Murray, I have never fought him on a story before, but I am going to fight him on this one. And what's more, I'm going to whip him!
Murray Slaughter: [as Sue Ann walks into the newsroom] You're going to whip Lou Grant?
Sue Ann Nivens: Ooh! Need any help?

"Mary Tyler Moore: Ted's Wedding (#6.9)" (1975)
[Mary is reading the inscription Sue Ann has written in the copy she has given Mary of her new floral arranging book]
Mary Richards: Ah. "To a shrinking violet who rosed to be a budding producer". Oh, Sue Ann, that's too cute for words.
Sue Ann Nivens: I know. I tried to use a floral motif for each inscription.
[Murray starts to read what Sue Ann wrote in his copy]
Murray Slaughter: "To a fine writer whose work I always admired". Why thanks, Sue Ann. But what's that got to do with flowers?
Sue Ann Nivens: If you spread it on the ground, it helps them grow.