June Cleaver
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Quotes for
June Cleaver (Character)
from "Leave It to Beaver" (1957)

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"Leave It to Beaver: The Haircut (#1.4)" (1957)
June Cleaver: Agh!
Ward Cleaver: What's the matter?
June Cleaver: I just thought of his head again.

June Cleaver: Did you see my little baby, my poor little bald-headed angel?

June Cleaver: Ward, wouldn't that be downright sneaky?
Ward Cleaver: Sure, it would. It's the only way we can survive as parents.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What's for supper?
June Cleaver: Pot roast, potato pancakes, and what's the big idea?

June Cleaver: Wally, why aren't you in the school play?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, I'm in it.
June Cleaver: What do you do?
Wally Cleaver: I hold a sign saying, "Just a minute while the wise men are puttin' on their beards."

[first lines]
Ward Cleaver: What are you looking for?
June Cleaver: I lost one of my wings.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Finds a Wallet (#3.30)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Dear, I have to wait for Mr. Johnson. Could you take my grocery list, and go to the market?
Ward Cleaver: Well, I'd like to Dear, but don't you remember? I have a dentist appointment.
June Cleaver: Then you can't get my groceries?
Ward Cleaver: Well, I think a dentist appointment is more important. Don't you, Beaver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, Dad. If all your teeth fall out, you won't have anything to eat groceries with, anyways.

June Cleaver: Wally, I wonder if you'd mind going to the supermarket for me.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, I guess I could. I'm not hardly doing anything.
June Cleaver: [lecturing tone] Wally, you never use not and hardly together. Either you're not doing anything, or you're hardly doing anything.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh. I wasn't sure, so I stuck 'em both in.

June Cleaver: You know, both of you boys should watch your grammar.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Mom, this is Saturday - they make us watch it all week in school.

[Wally and Eddie enter the Cleaver house and see no one around]
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Hey Wally, nobody's home. Let's call up some girls and pretend we're talent scouts.
[June walks out from the den to greet the boys]
June Cleaver: Hello, Eddie.
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: Oh. Hi, Mrs. Cleaver. Gee Mrs. Cleaver, your hair looks real pretty today.
June Cleaver: Well, you should know Eddie, being a talent scout.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Who was on the phone, Mom?
June Cleaver: Oh, that was the nursery, Beaver.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: No foolin'? Are we gonna have a baby brother?
June Cleaver: No, Beaver. This is the kind of nursery that brings plants and flowers.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [slightly disappointed] Oh. I thought it was the kind that brought baby brothers.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Big Date (#5.8)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Ward, Wally's pretty angry. You don't suppose he'll go up there and hurt Eddie, do you?
Ward Cleaver: I don't know. I think I'll wait about half an hour, and then go up and check.

Theodore Cleaver: Gilbert found a two-foot garter snake, and he's willing to sell me a half interest in it for fifteen cents!
June Cleaver: No, Beaver, now I don't want you buying any interest in any snake.
Theodore Cleaver: [later, on the living-room telephone] Okay, just a minute, I'll ask my Mom.
Theodore Cleaver: [to June] Hey, Mom, can I buy a half interest in Gilbert's garter snake for five cents?
June Cleaver: Well, the price certainly came down.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, that's 'cause he's dead.
June Cleaver: Beaver, I'm afraid the answer is still 'No'.
Theodore Cleaver: Aw, gee, Mom.
Theodore Cleaver: [back on the 'phone with Gilbert] I'm sorry, Gilbert, but my Mom won't let me. Well, yeah, OK. Gee, thanks a lot, Gilbert.
Theodore Cleaver: [he hangs up the phone, excited] He said I could have the whole thing for nothin'!
Ward Cleaver: Now Beaver, what on earth would you do with a dead garter snake?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I could scare girls with it 'til it gets rotten!

Theodore Cleaver: Is Wally home?
June Cleaver: Yes, he's upstairs. He's trying to imagine what kind of a girl he picked for the dance Saturday.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh yeah, today's the day they drew the girls out of the bowl.
June Cleaver: You like the idea, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, it sounds neat, only all's you get is a girl.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Dream Girl (#4.29)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Wally, you know, I think you're a very nice young man.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well gee, Mom, it's real nice of you to think that, but well, I wish you wouldn't go around sayin' it out loud.

June Cleaver: Did everything go alright at school today, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Mom, I never know until report cards come out.

Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [June has just stunned Wally by telling him that she's invited his "Dream Girl" - whom he's only admired from afar - to go along on a family picnic] Well, I, uh, I think I gotta go up and clean my teeth now, or somethin'.
June Cleaver: [to Ward] He didn't have very much to say, did he?
Ward Cleaver: Caesar didn't have very much to say to Brutus, either, did he?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Freckles (#4.5)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I'm going over to Lumpy Rutherford's with Whitey and Gilbert. Lumpy might let us wash his car.
June Cleaver: Let you wash it?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah. Last time he charged us a quarter to wash it. This time he might let us do it for nothin'.

[last lines]
June Cleaver: It certainly was a change. Yesterday, freckles was the biggest thing in his whole life.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, well, that's one of the advantages of being a kid - the biggest problem in your life seldom lasts more than twenty-four hours.

June Cleaver: Wally, you're a dear, sweet boy.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Ah, gee Mom, don't say that. It kind of makes me feel creepy.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's I.Q. (#4.9)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Girls have got it lucky, don't they, Mom?
June Cleaver: Why do you say that?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, they don't have to be smart - they don't have to get jobs or anything - alls they gotta do is get married.

June Cleaver: Wally isn't home yet.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh. I got somethin' I want to show him.
[Beaver takes a frog out of his pocket]
The Frog: Ribbet.
June Cleaver: Beaver! Beaver, that's a frog. Come on, get that off my bread board.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I got it from Whitey Whitney. He thought it was dead and he was only gonna charge me two sticks of gum. But while we were talking it over, it started wigglin', so he raised it to four. Where's Wally? I want to show it to him. He likes frogs and stuff.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Mom, it's hard to think of a man walkin' around, and he'd be me.
June Cleaver: You know something, Beaver, one of these days you're going to be all grown up, and you're gonna have a wife and a family all your own.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I will?
June Cleaver: 'Course you will.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Boy, it sure is creepy the way it works, isn't it, Mom!


"Leave It to Beaver: The Bank Account (#1.19)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Well, Ward, I didn't expect you home for lunch.
Ward Cleaver: No? Who did you expect?

June Cleaver: You boys have a hard day at school today?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, every day's hard at school.
Theodore Cleaver: The hardest part is waitin' for three o'clock.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Dance (#3.21)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Wally, your brother has been invited to the Mayfield Cotillion dances.
[she shows him the invitation]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Dances? Hey, can I be around here when you show him this?
Ward Cleaver: What do you want to be around for?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, blue suits and white gloves - man, The Beaver's gonna go right through the ceiling... Boy, there sure is gonna be a lot of yellin' and screamin' around here.
June Cleaver: He was invited, and of course he's going to go.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, OK, Mom, but on Saturday, Dad, you better be around to drag him.
June Cleaver: Wally, why wouldn't he want to go? He'll get a chance to be dressed up and look his best, and learn some manners, and he'll meet some very charming little girls.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, gee, Mom, any one of those creepy things would kill the deal.
June Cleaver: Wally, you're just being difficult. What do you think, Ward?
Ward Cleaver: I think I better be prepared to drag him.

Ward Cleaver: [Beaver has just come home after he and Larry ditched dancing school and rode a horse] June, Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly are home.
Larry Mondello: [whispering to The Beaver] Is your father makin' a joke?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I think so.
June Cleaver: Well, how was dancing school?
Larry Mondello: Just fine, Mrs Cleaver. Wasn't dancing school just fine, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh yeah, dancing school was just fine.
June Cleaver: Beaver, your suit - it's all wrinkled and mussed up.
Larry Mondello: They played some pretty fast numbers, Mrs Cleaver.
Ward Cleaver: [sensing that something is wrong] Boys, won't you sit down?
June Cleaver: Beaver, look at you. You're covered with hair.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Mom, maybe some of the girls were sheddin'.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally, the Businessman (#3.35)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Wally looks worried!
Ward Cleaver: Well he's an American businessman, it's obligatory to look worried.

Theodore Cleaver: Mom, could I have something to eat?
June Cleaver: Well, how would you like an igloo bar? I'll pay for it.
Theodore Cleaver: Uh, uh. I wouldn't eat one of those crummy igloo bars of Wally's if I was starvin' out in the desert and my tongue was hangin' out.
Ward Cleaver: Care for a pickle, Beaver?
[trying to get rid of a jar of pickles he bought on impulse, he holds the jar just under Beaver's face]
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Dad, what happened in there?
Ward Cleaver: Why nothing, Beaver.
Theodore Cleaver: I think I'll have a salami sandwich.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Practical Joke (#6.35)" (1963)
Ward Cleaver: Well, I guess this is the time of year for kids to horse around. I remember when I was in High School, one of the fellows had one of those little Austin cars. Well, about ten of us got together and carried it up the school steps, and put it right...
June Cleaver: [interrupting] Ward...
Ward Cleaver: Oh, uh, I keep forgetting. I'm not supposed to have had any fun when I was a kid.

June Cleaver: Why are you looking so grim?
Ward Cleaver: I'm reading the comics. They have more international disasters than the front page! Y'know, when I was a kid you looked at Happy Hooligan and you knew he was funny.
June Cleaver: Who's Happy Hooligan?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, don't you remember? During the Holidays, the kids used to wish each other a "Mary Pickford and a Happy Hooligan".
June Cleaver: [mocking] Oh, the mad, gay times you used to have.
Ward Cleaver: The Shaker Heights swinger.


"Leave It to Beaver: School Sweater (#3.23)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, what are sweaters made out of?
Wally Cleaver: Uh, sheep.
Theodore Cleaver: I'd hate to be a sheep and get made into a sweater.
June Cleaver: [later, downstairs] Come on, Beaver, dinner.
Theodore Cleaver: What are we havin', Mom?
June Cleaver: Lamb chops.
Theodore Cleaver: Are they made out of sheep?
June Cleaver: Uh, huh.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, sheep sure have a tough time.

June Cleaver: Oh Ward, I just hope that girl stops bothering Wally.
Ward Cleaver: Dear, we just have to face it. He's going to be interested in lots of girls, and one of these days, he'll end up marrying one.
June Cleaver: Well, I don't mind that, I just don't think this girl was the right type for him.
Ward Cleaver: Ahhm, what type girl do you think he should marry?
June Cleaver: Oh, well, some very sensible girl from a nice family. One with both feet on the ground, who can cook and keep a nice house and see that he's happy.
Ward Cleaver: Dear, I got the last one of those!
June Cleaver: That's very sweet of you to say that.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, it is, isn't it!


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Bike (#3.26)" (1960)
June Cleaver: What in the world are you eating?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: This? Oh, it's my own invention. It's a sandwich with the meat on the outside.

June Cleaver: Wally, don't they teach you any manners at school?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: You know, that's funny, Mom. At school they're always saying, "don't they ever teach you any manners at home?".


"Leave It to Beaver: Farewell to Penny (#5.15)" (1962)
[first lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [reading an invitation, while in the kitchen] 'You are invited to a party at school for Penny. Three-thirty, Friday. Cake and ice cream will be served.' Signed - 'Mrs. Henry Woods.' You might as well throw this one away, Mom.
June Cleaver: Now, why wouldn't he want to go to a party at school for Penny Woods?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, in the first place - 'cause she's a girl. In the second place - 'cause Beaver says she's just about the creepiest girl in the whole school.
June Cleaver: Oh, I think that's ridiculous. I wanted him to go because I think this is going to be a sweet little affair.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Okay, Mom. But I think it's going to be one of those 'sweet little affairs' Dad's gonna have to beat him into going to.

Theodore Cleaver: [June hands Beaver an invitation to Penny's going-away party] I'm not goin'.
June Cleaver: But Beaver, if Penny's mother was nice enough to ask you, you can't be mean enough not to go.
Theodore Cleaver: Sure I can, Mom. Penny's a zombie.
Ward Cleaver: Now Beaver, I don't think that's any way to talk about one of your classmates.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, she's really a horrible girl. And on top of that, she's smart!
June Cleaver: Beaver, that's no way to talk.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Mom, you oughta see her. If her face was on television, parents wouldn't let little kids watch it!


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Poster (#4.22)" (1961)
[last lines]
June Cleaver: You gonna help me with the dishes tonight?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Dear, I - uh - I didn't help Beaver with his painting. I can't start playing favorites now.

June Cleaver: Well, where are you two headed?
Ward Cleaver: I'm going to clean out the garage, and Wally's going to help me.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Dad's making me help him.
Ward Cleaver: Wally, I'd like to think you were helping me just because you're a nice guy.
Wally Cleaver: Oh sure, Dad. Hey, Mom, where's the Beaver?
June Cleaver: Oh, he's up in the attic. I think he's playing up there.
Wally Cleaver: Hm, let's get him, Dad. Why should he get out of being a nice guy?


"Leave It to Beaver: Dance Contest (#2.33)" (1959)
June Cleaver: You know, Ward, it's funny. That dance is tomorrow night and Wally hasn't mentioned it all week... When I was his age and there was a dance coming up, well, I got all excited about it.
Ward Cleaver: Well dear, he's the male of the species. We don't get excited about things like that. When the night of the dance comes, we just change our socks and off we go.
June Cleaver: Well, I did get him to make one concession. I'm meeting him downtown after school and getting him a new pair of shoes.
Ward Cleaver: Good. Now if you can get him into a clean shirt, you're all set.
June Cleaver: Ward Cleaver, you have no romantic instinct at all!
Ward Cleaver: Dear, I'm a married man!

Wally Cleaver: [at dinner, Wally reads his invitation to the Country Club Cotillion] Now why would Mary Ellen Rogers pull a dirty trick like this on me?
June Cleaver: Well, Wally, I think it was very sweet of her to ask you.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, son, it's quite an honor.
Theodore Cleaver: What's a "quotillion"?
Wally Cleaver: Aw, that's a creepy dance where a bunch of parents hang around and make sure you don't have any fun.
June Cleaver: Wally, I think you'll have a lovely time. Besides, this is the sort of thing you *should* go to. You know, a boy can't go through life wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt.
Theodore Cleaver: [with a touch of panic] Gee, Mom, why not?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Tonsils (#4.20)" (1961)
[first lines]
June Cleaver: [cooking breakfast in the kitchen] What's in the paper, Ward?
Ward Cleaver: Nothing.
June Cleaver: Then why have you been reading it for the last twenty minutes?
Ward Cleaver: Well, you have to read it, before you know there's nothing in it.

Wally Cleaver: When Lumpy Rutherford had his tonsils out, he brought 'em to school in this little jar. They were floatin' around in the alcohol like a couple of little sausages. Then when...
June Cleaver: [quietly, looking queasy] Wally, please?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, I'm sorry, Mom. I forgot you were a girl.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's New Suit (#2.10)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Wally, why did you and the other boys at the last minute decide not to take dates to the dance?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, Eddie said it's better if we go by ourselves. That way, you get to dance with all the other guys' girls, then you don't get stuck with them and have to buy 'em stuff on the way home.
Ward Cleaver: I think that's a very practical approach.
June Cleaver: I think it's horrible.

Ward Cleaver: June, why are you defending that suit? That's the most horrible-looking thing I ever saw.
June Cleaver: Dear, I'm not defending it. I agree with you. But we made a bargain with him. Now, you said he could buy a suit and you wouldn't criticize it.
Ward Cleaver: All right, let him wear that horse blanket to the dance Saturday night. But what are you going to do when our friends see him in it?
June Cleaver: I suppose we could move.
Ward Cleaver: You know, we may have to.


Leave It to Beaver (1997)
Eddie Haskell Jr.: You looked as though you just walked out the runway.
June Cleaver: Eddie?
Eddie Haskell Jr.: Yes Mrs. Cleaver?
June Cleaver: Cut the crap.

[from trailer]
June Cleaver: I'm worried. I'm worried. About our. About our. Beaver. Beaver.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Kenneth (#4.12)" (1960)
Mrs. Thompson: Oh, my dear, do you think you could persuade your charming husband to play the piano for us on family night?
June Cleaver: Well, Mrs. Thompson, Mr. Cleaver doesn't play the piano.
Mrs. Thompson: Oh. That's right. You have the husband who can't do anything.

June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, I just hope you realize that, wherever you go or whatever you do, there's always somebody watching you.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, Mom. You watch me, and Dad watches me, when I'm at school the teacher watches me, and when I go to the movies, the ushers watch me.
June Cleaver: No, Beaver, I mean somebody else.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Mom, do you mean like God?
June Cleaver: Mmmhmm. And Beaver, if you do something bad, you're gonna hurt Him.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all.


"Leave It to Beaver: In the Soup (#4.32)" (1961)
[first lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [entering kitchen from outdoors] Oh, hi, Mom.
June Cleaver: Well, hi there, Wally. You're home from school early today.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, they let us out half-an-hour early. They were sprayin' the trees for bugs, and they didn't want to kill any students.
June Cleaver: [dryly] That was considerate of them.

June Cleaver: Where is Wally, anyway?
Ward Cleaver: He's upstairs, shaving.
June Cleaver: Oh, Ward, does Wally really have to shave?
Ward Cleaver: No - but, uh, he asked me if he did, and I didn't want to destroy his confidence by telling him no.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Cat Problem (#5.5)" (1961)
June Cleaver: I wish Beaver had told us where he was going this morning. We ought to make that a rule around here, so we don't worry.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, sometimes I think if we really knew where they were going, we'd worry more.

June Cleaver: Did you bring home strange animals when you were their age?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, sure. Bringing home animals is just a part of being a boy, I guess. Kids don't seem to do it, though, as much today as we used to.
June Cleaver: Why do you suppose that is?
Ward Cleaver: I don't know. I guess they don't need to talk to animals as much. Nowadays, they have psychiatrists.


"Leave It to Beaver: One of the Boys (#5.34)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Wally has been invited to join The Barons, a High School club] They seem like a nice bunch of fellows?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, I don't know, Dad. Eddie says they're the craziest.
June Cleaver: Craziest?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, that doesn't mean they're squirrely or anything, Mom. It just means they're real cool guys.
Ward Cleaver: You know, when I was a boy, when we said 'crazy' we meant 'crazy'.
June Cleaver: [gently mocking] How backward!
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Mom, I'll bet in those days you said somethin' like 'swell', or somethin', huh Mom?
June Cleaver: Well, no, I think we said, 'keen'.
Theodore Cleaver: Keen? They don't even use that on _Dobie Gillis_ any more.
Theodore Cleaver: [later] Eddie said the Barons are real cool. You know what 'cool' means, don't you Mom?
June Cleaver: Mmm-hmm. Sometimes I think it means 'not so hot'.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, I never thought of it that way.
June Cleaver: Goodnight, Beaver.
Theodore Cleaver: Goodnight, Mom.

Ward Cleaver: [Wally wants to join the Barons, a club at his school] Wally, you don't seem to know many of the fellows well. Don't you think you should find out a little more about the Barons before you join up?
Theodore Cleaver: I know something about 'em. They're a weird bunch.
June Cleaver: What do you mean, weird?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, you oughta see 'em, Mom. They all wear gray trousers, and they've got these blue jackets and ties...
June Cleaver: Well, they sound to me like a nice group of gentlemen.
Theodore Cleaver: That's what I mean. *Weird.*


"Leave It to Beaver: The Poor Loser (#6.31)" (1963)
Ward Cleaver: Paul Miller down at the office has to fly to the coast this weekend, so he gave me a couple of tickets to the baseball game. Would you like to go?
June Cleaver: Oh honey, that's more of a treat for the boys. Anyway, it spoils the game for you trying to explain to me what's going on.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, well, the only trouble is there are three of us boys, and I only have two tickets.
June Cleaver: Oh, that does present a problem. Which one do you ask?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, who should get priority? The oldest or the youngest?
June Cleaver: I suppose it should be the oldest.
Ward Cleaver: I'm sure that solution will be agreeable to everyone. Except the youngest.

Ward Cleaver: I have a couple of tickets to the game Friday night, and knowing how much both of you boys like baseball, I...
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Dad, do I have to go?
Ward Cleaver: You mean you don't want to go?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, sure Dad, I'd like to, it's just that me and Gilbert were going to the movies Friday night, and I don't want to back out on him now.
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, is it something special?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, Mom, it's a western in Cinerama, and they had to take out the first four rows to get a screen big enough to handle all that killin'.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Ice Skates (#5.9)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: [referring to Beaver] June, isn't he spending an awful lot of time at that skating rink?
June Cleaver: Oh, honey, he loves it so. He spends more time at the rink than he does at home.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I guess he's just taking after his father. When I was his age, I practically lived on the ice.
June Cleaver: [wryly] And now you can hardly get the ice trays out of the refrigerator.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally Stays at Lumpy's (#5.24)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [arriving home from work] Hi, dear.
June Cleaver: Hi. Ward, guess what!
Ward Cleaver: Lumpy Rutherford's having a party.
June Cleaver: Oh, how'd you know?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it's all Fred talked about down at the office today. I think there was less fuss made when we put a man in space.
June Cleaver: Oh, must be going to be a big affair.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, yeah. Fred's even talking about having it catered. I think he has the idea that this party may make Lumpy the Lucius Beebe of Mayfield.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Rat (#4.31)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver brings home a rat named Peter Gunn] That's a very fine looking rat, Beaver. But I, uh, I have a feeling that your mother would be a lot happier if you traded him for something else.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, what's Mom got against rats?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, it's not just your mother, Beaver. It's, uh, well it's just that women don't seem to have as soft a spot in their hearts for rats as we men do.
Wally Cleaver: Sure, Beav. You know how it is. They don't like blood, or dirt, or any of those neat things.
June Cleaver: [later] Did you talk Beaver into getting rid of that rat?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, yeah, he's going to try and trade him for something else tomorrow.
June Cleaver: Good. How'd you convince him?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, I just told him that women were full of strange quirks, and it was up to us to humor them.
June Cleaver: [Beaver's solution prompts an evening visit by Fred Rutherford to the Cleaver household] What's the trouble, Squire?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it seems that Beaver sold Peter Gunn to Violet Rutherford for $3.00.
June Cleaver: Well, that sounds like a very good deal.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, it was too good a deal. After all, Violet's just a girl. She can't be expected to know the going price of rodents.


"Leave It to Beaver: Part-Time Genius (#1.14)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: When are we gonna eat? The Beaver and me are gettin' hungry.
June Cleaver: Wally, The Beaver and *I* are getting hungry.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I guess we're all gettin' hungry.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Ring (#2.7)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Well Wally Aunt Martha is Beaver's godmother.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Gee yeah. Heck Uncle Frank is my godfather and all is ever did is promise to send me to Europe when I'm out of college. But heck who wants to go to Europe when you're an old man?


"Leave It to Beaver: June's Birthday (#3.13)" (1959)
June Cleaver: Oh Ward, do you think Beaver's taste will ever improve?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, I wouldn't worry about that...


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Henry (#1.36)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Well, what were you and Eddie up to?
Wally Cleaver: We went over to look at the Andersons' new car. I thought it was pretty neat.
June Cleaver: What did Eddie say?
Wally Cleaver: He said it was a heap... If we have an extra rabbit later, can I give it to Eddie?
June Cleaver: [with a touch of sarcasm] I think it'd be easier on the rabbit if you gave it to Chester.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, don't you like Eddie Haskell?
June Cleaver: [obviously backtracking] Well, Wally, I'm very fond of him.
Wally Cleaver: That's funny. Sometimes I think he's a creep.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Ivanhoe (#3.36)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: [reading a list of suggested books given to Beaver's class by Miss Landers] "Here Comes Connie", "Hoppy the Kangaroo", "Little Claude", and "Penny Bobbins".
June Cleaver: Yes, dear. He wants to pick one of those books to read. He wondered if you had any of them in here.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I hardly think so. "Hoppy the Kangaroo" is just not the kind of book I like to curl up with.
June Cleaver: "Little Claude", "Penny Bobbins". They sound so cute.
Ward Cleaver: Cute? What ever happened to all the real "boys' books" I used to read? You know, "Two Years Before the Mast", or "Last of the Mohicans", or "Call of the Wild". Didn't you used to read books like that?
June Cleaver: I'm afraid not, dear. The strongest thing they ever let me read was "Dorothy Vernon of Haddon Hall".
Ward Cleaver: Well, I think I'll see if I can't find him something a little more manly than "Here Comes Connie".


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Doll Buggy (#4.38)" (1961)
June Cleaver: I once remember overhearing my mother say to my father, "Do you think that Ward boy is serious about June?" And my father said, "Well, if the time ever comes that he looks at her the way he looks at one of your pot roasts, then we'll know."


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Monkey (#3.29)" (1960)
June Cleaver: It's not okay for the Beaver to have a mouse.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Haircomb (#2.34)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, don't your mother and I detect a slight difference in the way you're combing your hair?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I didn't think you'd notice.
Clarence Rutherford: Mr Cleaver, Eddie Haskell and all the guys are combin' their hair like that.
June Cleaver: Well, Clarence, I notice that you're not.
Clarence Rutherford: I would comb my hair like Wally's, Mrs Cleaver, but I got a funny-shaped head.
Ward Cleaver: [trying to be tactful] Oh, really, I hadn't noticed.
Clarence Rutherford: Daddy says it's because when I was a baby, I slept on one side too much.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, it is kinda lopsided.
June Cleaver: [quietly] Beaver!
Ward Cleaver: Uh, you know, fellas, it's a funny thing, um, speaking of fads...
Theodore Cleaver: We weren't speaking of fads. We were speakin' about Lumpy's lopsided head.
Ward Cleaver: Yes. Ah, what I was about to say is, um, there are always a lot of fellows who follow every fad that comes along. But there are also always a few who, uh, well who have enough individuality to sort of go their own way. You know what I mean, Wally.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Just like squares.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, eat your vegetables, boys.


"Leave It to Beaver: Mistaken Identity (#4.28)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Do you think all parents have this much trouble?
Ward Cleaver: No - just parents with children.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Violet (#3.32)" (1960)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Boy Mom, I sure wish I could do that.
June Cleaver: Do what?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, give somebody the brush off and make it sound like you're doing 'em a favor.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver the Magician (#3.12)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: Ah heck mom, don't worry. You get that little Bengie over here. I'll straighten him out.
June Cleaver: You really think you can?
Wally Cleaver: Well sure mom. If you're gonna stay ahead of kids you gotta be smarter than they are.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Yard Birds (#5.32)" (1962)
[last lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Boy! When we got to the dump - that was really funny.
June Cleaver: What happened there?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, after we dumped the stuff, Lumpy couldn't get his car started.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah - so we all had to get out and start pushin'.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah - just then this guy from The City came along and started blowin' his top.
Ward Cleaver: What for?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, he saw Lumpy's car, and he thought we were tryin' to steal it from the dump.


"Leave It to Beaver: Mother's Day Composition (#3.31)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [with family at kitchen table] Dad, can I have twenty cents for flowers for Miss Landers?
June Cleaver: What's the occasion?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: She's sick.
June Cleaver: Oh, that's too bad. Is she going to be out long?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, I guess so - we're spending four dollars. When she was sick with the flu, we only spent two-fifty.


"Leave It to Beaver: A Horse Named Nick (#2.27)" (1959)
June Cleaver: [the carnival is in town, and the boys have gotten jobs there] Ward, I don't like the idea of those boys working around a carnival.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, dear, rubbing down horses and cleaning out cages and carrying water to animals, why - gee, I didn't know there was anything that wonderful left in the world for kids to do.
Theodore Cleaver: [upstairs, after washing up] Hey Wally, what happened to all the dirty clothes we took off?
Wally Cleaver: I think Mom threw 'em in the wash.
Theodore Cleaver: [disappointed] Gee, whiz. I wanted to go to school tomorrow smellin' like I worked at a carnival.
Ward Cleaver: [on Saturday, waiting for the boys to come home on their last day of carnival work] You know, this has been a great experience for them.
June Cleaver: Maybe. I'll be glad when they start coming home smelling like boys again.


"Leave It to Beaver: Tire Trouble (#3.14)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: [about Wally and Beaver] Dear, did you know they were planning on raising chinchillas?
June Cleaver: Yes, they told me yesterday.
Ward Cleaver: Why didn't you say something to me about it?
June Cleaver: Because Beaver promised me the first coat free.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Sees America (#6.37)" (1963)
Wally Cleaver: Hey, how come you're gettin' all dressed up tonight... using my Arabian Nights after shave lotion?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, what's wrong with it? You use it.
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, but you're too young to start smellin' good.
Theodore Cleaver: A guy's gotta start some time.
June Cleaver: [later, June finds out Beaver didn't go to Whitey's house, as he had said] Ward, aren't you worried?
Ward Cleaver: Not particularly. I got a whiff of him as he went by.
Mary Margaret Matthews: [then Beaver is seen on a porch swing talking to Mary Margaret] I've heard it said by some that it isn't manly for a man to use perfume.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, I'm not using perfume.
Mary Margaret Matthews: Well, whatever it is, it's a lovely scent. I don't see why a boy shouldn't smell good if he can.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Orchid (#3.27)" (1960)
June Cleaver: He doesn't seem very happy for a boy who's taking the prettiest girl in his class.
Ward Cleaver: Well, dear, escorting a glamor girl is a disconcerting blend of pleasure and pain.
June Cleaver: How do you know so much about glamor girls?
Ward Cleaver: I married one.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Credit Card (#6.20)" (1963)
June Cleaver: Hi, honey. How was the movie?
Theodore Cleaver: It was OK.
June Cleaver: You don't sound very enthused.
Theodore Cleaver: No. Well, in the end the good guy got killed.
June Cleaver: That seems to be the trend today: to kill off the good guys.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, and the bad guy got the girl.
June Cleaver: Well, that doesn't seem right.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, but it worked out OK. They both got jungle fever and croaked.
June Cleaver: Well, it sounds like a very pleasant afternoon.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, there was a lot of good dyin' in that movie.


"Leave It to Beaver: New Doctor (#1.31)" (1958)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [reading medicine label] Hey, Mom, it says here, 'take one pill twice a day'.
June Cleaver: That's right.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, gee, how do you take the same pill twice?
June Cleaver: You know, you have your father's sense of humor.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Book Report (#6.30)" (1963)
June Cleaver: [Beaver hasn't done his book report, and his library book is overdue] Beaver, haven't you read any of it?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, yeah, I read the whole first chapter. But it was so long ago, I don't remember it.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, well you just put that ball and glove away and get started on it right now.
Theodore Cleaver: But gee, Dad, it's a thick book. It'll take me at least two whole days to read it.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you should have thought of that two weeks ago.
Theodore Cleaver: I did. I guess that's why I didn't read it.
June Cleaver: Why did you pick such a thick book?
Theodore Cleaver: Cause I got to the library last, and all the thin ones were taken.
Wally Cleaver: [later] "The Three Musketeers" is a great book... Wait 'til you get into it. There's all kinds of fightin', and blood, and everything.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but library books are no good for book reports.
Wally Cleaver: What do you mean?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, on store-bought books they have covers, and on the cover it tells what the story is all about.


"Leave It to Beaver: School Bus (#3.3)" (1959)
June Cleaver: [Ward reads a note from the school, containing the rules for the new school bus service] Ward, that's wonderful. We won't have to worry about him fooling around on the way to school any more.
Ward Cleaver: No, I suppose not. Although, I always thought of walking to school as one of childhood's most cherished memories. Well, I suppose it has to be swept away, along with corduroy knickers and the felt beanie.
June Cleaver: Corduroy knickers?
Ward Cleaver: Well sure, don't you remember, dear? When you walked, they whistled.
June Cleaver: I went to a girls' school.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I better take these rules up to Beaver so he can look 'em over after supper tonight.
June Cleaver: He'll probably be as excited about riding the bus as you were with your whistling knickers.


"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Problem (#2.3)" (1958)
Whitey Whitney: [Miss Landers has just announced the school's father-students picnic] What if you don't have a father, can your mother go?
Miss Alice Landers: Well, no, Whitey, this is just for... but Whitey, you do have a father.
Whitey Whitney: I know, but everybody doesn't. Then they'd be left out... I've got an uncle they could borrow, if they don't have one of those either.
Theodore Cleaver: [later, at home] My class is havin' a father-and-kids' picnic, and we're gonna get to bring food, and run on three legs, and everything.
June Cleaver: Well, that sounds exciting. Is there anything I can do to help?
Theodore Cleaver: You can make the food, but no women are allowed to come, unless they're a father.
June Cleaver: Well, that lets me out.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Football Award (#6.2)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: Oh, Hi Mom, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: Hello, Wally.
June Cleaver: Hi.
Wally Cleaver: I just stopped by the library on the way home.
Ward Cleaver: [looking at the books Wally is carrying] Oh, "Ballet Steps by Darinsky", "Hair Styling at Home", "Beauty Hints and Secrets". Uhm, your homework assignment?
Wally Cleaver: [annoyed] These aren't my books. I walked home with Mary Ellen Rogers. I guess I must have given her mine instead.
Ward Cleaver: Hah! What did she wind up with, "How to Boil Out a Carburetor"?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Gilbert (#2.25)" (1959)
June Cleaver: Did you win?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Nah, we lost.
Ward Cleaver: 6 to 2.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah. Mr. Driscoll, our science teacher, was umpirer.
June Cleaver: Well, isn't he fair?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh yeah, he's fair. But he's more fair to the other team.


"Leave It to Beaver: It's a Small World (#1.0)" (1957)
June Cleaver: Ward, can you see any possible use for Franklin Milk bottle caps?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah. To hold the Franklin Milk in the Franklin Milk bottles.
June Cleaver: The boys have got a whole dishpan of them upstairs. They've been collecting them all week.
Ward Cleaver: It's nothing to be alarmed about. In my day, the collecting instinct was strong in every American boy worth his salt. I'm happy to see it has survived television, child psychology and the inroads of progressive education.
June Cleaver: I think I'm going to ask them why they're collecting those things.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, no, June, don't you dare think of such a thing. You're flying in the face of Dr Brady. I quote, "A child's world is his own sacred domain and his privacy must at all times be respected."
June Cleaver: All right, but we respected it last Summer and they set fire to the attic!


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Takes a Walk (#3.6)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: Hey mom, if me and Tooey get the motor scooter running would you buy it off of us to go to the market with?
June Cleaver: Well Wally I think Tooey's mom deserves first crack at it.
Wally Cleaver: Sure, we'll ask her.


"Leave It to Beaver: Bachelor at Large (#6.8)" (1962)
Clarence Rutherford: [Eddie has left home to live in his own apartment] That guy's really livin' it up. The only time he's been back home is to get clean sheets.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, have you boys, uh, seen where he's living?
Wally Cleaver: Well, not yet. Eddie says he's been pretty busy and hasn't had a chance to have the guys over yet.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, it must really be neat to have your own place, and to be your own boss.
Clarence Rutherford: Yeah. Eddie says he's even gonna get a telephone. Boy, wouldn't that be a blast? You could talk all night to your girl without your snoopy parents tell... This is very good pot roast, Mrs Cleaver.
June Cleaver: Thank you, Clarence.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, well, I wonder if Eddie is enjoying a meal like this in his room tonight.
Clarence Rutherford: Oh, he's doing very well, Mr Cleaver. He's been buying TV dinners.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, does he have his own television set?
Clarence Rutherford: Not yet. He eats the TV dinners and listens to the radio.


"Leave It to Beaver: Blind Date Committee (#3.1)" (1959)
June Cleaver: [BMOC Duke Hathaway has appointed Wally to the school dance committee] Who are you taking to the dance?
Wally Cleaver: If you're on the committee, you don't have to take anybody. You just spend the whole evening making the other guys have a good time.
Ward Cleaver: Was that the Duke's idea?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. He's got everything all organized. He even appointed two fellas just to see that none of the other guys throw sandwiches.
June Cleaver: Well, what's your job?
Wally Cleaver: The Duke's gonna tell me today. He told me yesterday he was too busy to talk to me.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, when I get to High School, I'm not going to any dances - even if they would let me throw sandwiches.
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, one of these days you'll change your mind about girls, the way Wally did.
Wally Cleaver: Gee Mom, I don't know if mine's changed all the way. There's an awful lot of girls that still give me the creeps.
Ward Cleaver: Well, just hang on to that feeling as long as you can, son.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Fortune (#3.10)" (1959)
June Cleaver: I wish you would stop tucking things away in books. Do you know you left our marriage license in a book we loaned to the Rutherfords?
Ward Cleaver: Well don't you want them to know you were married?
June Cleaver: Yes but not when.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Last Day of School (#3.38)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Lumpy's sick?
Ward Cleaver: No he uh cut his mouth playing clarinet in the school band.
June Cleaver: Well how could he do that?
Ward Cleaver: Well it seems the band was practicing for the graduation parade. And they made a quick turn and Lumpy marched into a brick wall.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Mustache (#6.15)" (1963)
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, I thought you were going to go by Wally's school and watch him practice.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, we were, but Gilbert said there was always a lot of girls hangin' around after practice, so we didn't go.
June Cleaver: You mean you and Gilbert don't like girls?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, we like girls OK, and we like sports too, but when you mix the two of them together, neither one of them are any fun.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Haunted House (#2.23)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: Well I'm afraid Miss Cooper that Beaver somehow has the uh idea that you're a witch.
Miss Cooper: Oh. Oh I see.
June Cleaver: He is imaginative.
Ward Cleaver: Yes but of course he'd have never got the idea at all except for all those weird monsters in the horror pictures.


"Leave It to Beaver: Miss Landers' Fiance (#4.7)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Ward, I wish Wally wouldn't use words like 'flakey' and 'kooky'.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Dear, you wouldn't want all of his friends to think he was creepy, would you?


"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Baseball (#3.28)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: I just had to chase Larry away.
June Cleaver: I hope you weren't mean to Larry.
Ward Cleaver: I wasn't mean, dear, I was just firm.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Gosh Dad, Larry's just a kid. I don't know if he knows the difference.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Glamour Girl (#4.10)" (1960)
[first lines]
June Cleaver: [the family is seated at the dinner table] Beaver, you're storing food in your cheek there like a squirrel.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, Mom. By doing it this way, I get more mileage out of one mouthful.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Play (#3.37)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Was that Duke Hathaway?
Ward Cleaver: Uh-huh.
June Cleaver: I wish I had gone to the door. I've never met a swinger.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Sheep Dog (#6.11)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver is upset because some girls at school called him a "sheep dog"] It happens to all of us. I remember once the kids called me "elephant ears".
June Cleaver: Did it bother you?
Ward Cleaver: No, not at all. It was Winter, and I just wore a stocking cap to school and pulled it down over my ears.
June Cleaver: Oh, Ward, what did you do when the warm weather came?
Ward Cleaver: I learned to fight.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Chuey (#2.4)" (1958)
June Cleaver: [June is trying to make Chuey's mother feel welcome, in spite of their language barrier] Won't you sit down? No, sit down. La mesa...
Carmela Varela: ¿La mesa?
June Cleaver: [pointing to the chair] La mesa.
Carmela Varela: Oh, gracias.
June Cleaver: [later, after Sra Varela leaves] Ward, isn't "la mesa" the Spanish word for chair?
Ward Cleaver: No, I think it's "la silla".
June Cleaver: Oh, dear. Heaven knows what I told her to sit on.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Long Night (#5.18)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: June, Gilbert's always talking about his parents. Have you ever met them?
June Cleaver: Oh, I see her at the supermarket once in a while. She seems like a very calm, sensible person.
Ward Cleaver: You can't really go by that. You may look the same way to her.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Takes a Bath (#3.2)" (1959)
June Cleaver: Do you have room in your suitcase for my shoes?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah I guess so. What's the matter with your suitcase?
June Cleaver: Well I don't want to jam them in with my dresses.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, of course not. Maybe you could wrap them in one of my clean shirts.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's House Guest (#4.2)" (1960)
June Cleaver: We're happy to have you with us, Chopper. Come on in.
Chopper Cooper: Yeah, thanks. Say, uh, where's the old Beav anyways?
Theodore Cleaver: [rushing down the stairs] Chopper, Chopper!
Chopper Cooper: Hi, Beav.
Theodore Cleaver: Hi, Chopper. Look, I got on my camp sweater, too. Neat, huh?
[both boys are wearing shirts monogrammed 'Camp König']
Chopper Cooper: Yeah, neat. Just like at camp. Hey, Beav, hows about we give 'em the old camp cheer?
Theodore Cleaver: Sure.
Chopper and Beaver together: We are from Camp König, from Camp König are we / K - O - omlet - N - I - G. Yaaaay.
['omlet' is obviously the boys' version of 'umlaut']


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Weekend Job (#5.6)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: I saw Beaver out front. He tells me Wally's gone down to see about that part-time job at the soda fountain.
June Cleaver: Yes, Mr Gibson, the owner's making his decision today.
Ward Cleaver: Y'know, I think Wally has a very good chance to get it.
June Cleaver: Well I don't know why not, you know, he's very well-mannered, he's polite, he's conscientious.
Ward Cleaver: And he has his father's charm.
June Cleaver: That's right, but maybe Mr Gibson will overlook that.
Ward Cleaver: [that night at dinner] Well, Wally, I'm sure proud of you getting that job with Mr Gibson.
Wally Cleaver: Well, gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Theodore Cleaver: That's neat, Wally, but when do you start being a jerk down at the soda fountain?


"Leave It to Beaver: The Paper Route (#1.17)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: What's this all about?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It's our paper route, Dad. We're gonna earn a bike and surprise you, just like you did your father.
June Cleaver: But boys, you get home from school pretty late as it is. Isn't that a lot of papers to deliver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Only 58.
June Cleaver: But Beaver...
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, there's nothin' to deliverin' papers. You just fold 'em up and throw 'em at people.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Cookie Fund (#2.35)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: Hey Mom, can I go to Mexico?
June Cleaver: Mexico?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, with Mr Nelson.
June Cleaver: And who's Mr Nelson?
Wally Cleaver: He's our Science teacher. He's going to Mexico this summer, and he said he might take some of the guys from his class with him.
June Cleaver: Well, I don't know, Wally. What would we have to do?
Wally Cleaver: Well, all you gotta do is sign this thing, saying if we get hurt or killed or anything, it's OK.


"Leave It to Beaver: My Brother's Girl (#1.27)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver confides in his Dad that he took Wally over to Mary Ellen Rogers's house, and they basically told him to get lost] You know, Dad, now it's all over with, I feel kinda silly.
Ward Cleaver: Well Beaver, I'll tell you something about women. They have a wonderful capacity for love and understanding. Their tenderness and their sweetness are all-encompassing. But at times, they do have a knack of making us men look very, very silly.
June Cleaver: [unknown to Ward or The Beaver, June has been listening] I heard that, Ward Cleaver!
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, hi Mom.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, hi Mom.
June Cleaver: [annoyed] Hi. Ward, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, putting ideas like that in The Beaver's mind.
Ward Cleaver: Oh yeah? Do you know what Mary Ellen Rogers did? She used The Beaver in order to get Wally to take her to the dance tonight. And don't look so shocked, because it's exactly what you predicted she'd do.
June Cleaver: I'm not shocked. As a woman, I'm very proud of Mary Ellen.
Ward Cleaver: You mean you think women *should* act this way?
June Cleaver: It's the way women *have* to act. Well, if we sat around and waited until you men got interested in us and got good and ready to settle down and have families, why this whole continent of America would be nothing but buffaloes, jack-rabbits and grizzly bears.


"Leave It to Beaver: Tell It to Ella (#6.7)" (1962)
June Cleaver: What's the matter with that boy? He's been rushing away from the table and not acting himself all week.
Wally Cleaver: Maybe he's got a girl.
Ward Cleaver: What makes you think so, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Well, when a guy starts actin' weird, a girl is the first thing you look for.


"Leave It to Beaver: Water Anyone? (#1.7)" (1957)
June Cleaver: Ward, wasn't there a Cleaver way back in your family who sold guns to the Indians?
Ward Cleaver: No, that was whiskey. It just got 'em in the mood to buy guns.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Joins a Record Club (#6.9)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: [listening to a Rock 'n Roll record with Gilbert] I remember when Wally used to play stuff like this. I never liked 'em much then, but now I think they're terrific.
Gilbert Bates: Yeah, I guess a guy has to grow up to appreciate good music... Which one do you want to hear next?
Theodore Cleaver: [reading labels] "Thump, Thump, Thump, My Heart is Marching", "Theme from the Three-eyed Monster" - Boy, these are all great. Where did your sister get 'em?
Gilbert Bates: Oh, she joined one of those record clubs, and it only cost her 87 cents a week...
Theodore Cleaver: I'm gonna ask my Dad if I can join.
Gilbert Bates: Do you think he'll let ya?... Beav, I think this'll work. You know our parents are always going for that 'educational' stuff? Well, maybe if you got one of those classical records every now and then, he'd go for it.
Theodore Cleaver: Do they have classical stuff?
Gilbert Bates: Oh, sure they do. Look: "Rachmaninoff Concerto Number Two - by the Harmonica Rascals".
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, that oughta do it.
June Cleaver: [later, when the first package of records is delivered] Beaver... there's a package here for you.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, boy, Mom, it's from the record company... You know what I got for my 87 cents?
June Cleaver: Couldn't guess.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I got Billy Baxter's "Cryin', Sighin' and Dyin' for You", "My Wild Irish Geisha", and "You're Drivin' me Ape, You Big Gorilla". Some bargain, huh, Mom?
June Cleaver: Mmmm, some bargain!


"Leave It to Beaver: School Play (#2.11)" (1958)
Larry Mondello: [discussing the upcoming Third Grade school play] I just hope it's not one of those mushy plays where they've got kissing.
Hubert Whitney: They're not allowed to have kissing 'til the seventh grade.
June Cleaver: [later after the play, talking about the Beaver] Ward, he was just wonderful.
Ward Cleaver: He was the best canary I ever saw.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I was waiting for him to fall on his face or something.
Ward Cleaver: [heading backstage to congratulate The Beaver] Come on, let's go back and get him.
June Cleaver: You know, Ward, he was so sweet it almost makes up for not having a girl.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Becomes a Hero (#4.3)" (1960)
June Cleaver: What happened in school today?
Wally Cleaver: Ah nothin' much. Oh the girl sitting next to me got a scare during geometry test.
June Cleaver: Dear what did you do?
Wally Cleaver: Well I made believe I didn't notice. Then the teacher called the school nurse and they came and took her away. Well it was really something, she bawled all the way to the infirmary.
June Cleaver: Oh Wally that's terrible.
Wally Cleaver: Oh well gee mom I don't think she really flipped or anything. She just doesn't dig geometry.


"Leave It to Beaver: Brother vs. Brother (#5.31)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: You see, Mom, Mary likes me again and she asked me to walk her home, but I told her to drop dead.
June Cleaver: Oh, Beaver, couldn't you have thought of another way of saying it?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I thought of a lot of ways. But "drop dead" was the nicest.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Autobiography (#6.13)" (1962)
June Cleaver: Beaver, did you tell your teacher that she wrote it?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, no, Ma.
Ward Cleaver: Why, not?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Dad. You can't squeal on a girl.
Ward Cleaver: No, I suppose you can't, but you don't go around letting other people do your homework for you, either. I hope this will be a good lesson to you.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It sure is, Dad. From now on, if anybody does my homework, it's gonna be some creepy boy.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Runs Away (#1.37)" (1958)
June Cleaver: Ward, Wally just told me. What's this all about the Beaver?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, he just ran away from home.
June Cleaver: [frantic] Oh, Ward, let's go get him!
Ward Cleaver: Oh, no, that's exactly what he wants us to do.
June Cleaver: But he might mean it.
Ward Cleaver: Now, June, there's nothing to worry about. He'll walk around the block once, and he'll be back by the time we finish our soup.
Wally Cleaver: [enter Wally] Did he really go?
June Cleaver: Yes, he did.
Wally Cleaver: Hey, Dad, he said he was gonna join the pirates, and come back with a wooden leg.
June Cleaver: [Wally and his Dad laugh about the idea; June is not amused] Ward Cleaver, if he does, I'll never speak to you again!


"Leave It to Beaver: Lonesome Beaver (#1.20)" (1958)
June Cleaver: What kind of stories?
Ward Cleaver: I don't know uh, stories about buffaloes, Indians things like that.
June Cleaver: Well Ward what if Wally doesn't know any buffalo stories?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Team (#3.39)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [Beaver's football team loses because Penny spilled the secret play to the rivals] Yeah, Dad, and then she said she told Richard and Harry and all the Tigers about our secret play. How could a girl be so dumb as to do somethin' like that?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, uh, you told it to her in the first place. That wasn't such a smart thing, either.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But gee, Dad, I didn't think it was being dumb.
Ward Cleaver: Well, son, I think you've learned something here: Never tell anyone anything you don't want repeated.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But gee, Dad, I like to talk to people. How can I talk to 'em if I don't tell 'em stuff?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it's all right to talk to people, but if you're trying to keep a secret, you must be on your guard.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I guess you gotta be more on your guard with girls than you do with fellas, huh Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Well, yes, uh, but there's no need to tell your mother I said that.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh, don't worry, Dad. We're a couple-a guys that can tell each other stuff.
June Cleaver: [June opens the den door and comes in] There you are. Well, Beaver, what have you been discussing with your father?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [with pride, and a knowing smile] Nothing, Mom. We were just talking like the two of us were men.


"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Millions (#4.16)" (1961)
[first lines]
June Cleaver: [entering Ward's den] Did you balance out the checkbook, yet?
Ward Cleaver: No - almost. Um - oh uh, dear, what's this entry here? The stub says eight sixty-nine, but no check came back from the bank.
June Cleaver: Well, I couldn't get the checkbook to balance, so I wrote a check for eight sixty-nine and then tore it up.
Ward Cleaver: [dryly] You know, dear, they could use you in Washington.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Andy (#3.20)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Did you see your brother on the way home?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah. He was over by Lake Avenue walkin' in the mud.
June Cleaver: Well, did you tell him to get out of the mud?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, of course not. Why should I spoil his fun? That's for grownups to do.


"Leave It to Beaver: Un-Togetherness (#5.39)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Wally reason for not wanting to go on the family's annual Summer vacation is still a bit of a mystery] Whatever it is, Wally's reached the age where he has a right to make his own decisions.
June Cleaver: Well, I know he has, dear, but this time couldn't you tell him what the right decision is?


"Leave It to Beaver: Substitute Father (#4.39)" (1961)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [at the bottom of the staircase, calling upstairs] Hey, Mom!
June Cleaver: Yes, Wally.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Could Eddie spend the night here?
June Cleaver: Not while your father's away.
Edward 'Eddie' Haskell: [dejected] Boy. Everybody around here is wise to me. I might just have to move to a new town and start all over.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Plays Hooky (#2.17)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver and Larry skip school one day; the next morning, at breakfast] Now, Beaver, there's not going to be any nonsense on the way to school this morning.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, no, Dad.
June Cleaver: Beaver, do Larry's mother and father know what happened yesterday?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh sure, Mom, they know what happened.
Ward Cleaver: I hope he was smart enough to volunteer the information.
Theodore Cleaver: Yes sir, he volunteered.
Ward Cleaver: As soon as he got home?
Theodore Cleaver: No sir. After his father started wallopin' him. Pass the bread, please.


"Leave It to Beaver: Teacher Comes to Dinner (#3.9)" (1959)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Nothing in here could poison anybody, could it, Mom?
June Cleaver: Why, of course not, Beaver!
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Larry said Miss Landers might eat something and get toenail poisoning.
June Cleaver: You mean ptomaine poisoning?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, he said if she got it, she might get mad and flunk me and stuff.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Poncho (#1.23)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: Hey, Beaver, what is it?
Theodore Cleaver: You know, Wally, it's a dog.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I guess he is. I think he's what they call a Mexican Hairless.
Theodore Cleaver: He's hairless, all right, but I don't know if he's Mexican.
June Cleaver: [later, downstairs] Beaver, he's so tiny.
Theodore Cleaver: Wally says he's a bald-headed Mexican.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Tooth (#2.21)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: Where are the boys? Aren't they dressed, yet?
June Cleaver: Oh, they're dressed, but Beaver still has to get washed.
Ward Cleaver: Why doesn't he wash before he gets dressed?
June Cleaver: Well, he says that if he waits until he dressed, there's less to wash.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Clubhouse (#1.9)" (1957)
Ward Cleaver: [discussing Beaver's attempts to make some money] You know, this reminds me of when I was a kid. I made eighty cents once charging other kids to look at my grandfather asleep in bed.
June Cleaver: Why in the world would anyone want to look at your grandfather sleeping?
Ward Cleaver: He had a beard.


"Leave It to Beaver: Eddie's Girl (#2.2)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: Hello, Mrs Cleaver, may I come in?
June Cleaver: Oh, sure, Eddie, come on.
Eddie Haskell: Is Wally home?
June Cleaver: Yes, he's up in his room.
Eddie Haskell: I can only see him for a minute, because I have to go over and see my girl.
June Cleaver: Well, he's up in his room.
Eddie Haskell: Uh, when you have a girl, you can't spend all your time with the fellas. You have to spend some time with your girl.
June Cleaver: Oh, you have a girl, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: Oh, yes. She goes away to boarding school. My father says that's a pretty good indication her family has money. My father says it doesn't pay to waste time with people who don't count.
June Cleaver: Well, It's nice of you to come over here anyway, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: [looking confused] I beg your pardon, Mrs Cleaver?
June Cleaver: Look, Eddie, why don't you run on upstairs, huh?
Ward Cleaver: [Ward comes into the kitchen] Oh, Hi, Eddie.
Eddie Haskell: How do you do, Mr Cleaver. Excuse me, sir.
Ward Cleaver: [exit Eddie] Hmmph. That boy is so polite, it's almost un-American.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Old Buddy (#4.19)" (1961)
[first lines]
June Cleaver: [in the boys' bedroom] Good! You're just in time to help me turn the mattress.
Ward Cleaver: Well, at least that's a change. I'm usually just in time to yell at the kids.