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Quotes for
Alex Trebek (Character)
from The Life of Larry (1995)

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"Saturday Night Live: Will Ferrell/Queens of the Stone Age (#30.19)" (2005)
Alex Trebek: Dr. Cosby, would you like to pick a category?
Bill Cosby: That's Doctor William H. Cosby, Junior, E.D.D. WHoa!
Alex Trebek: Okay. Would you like to pick a category?
Bill Cosby: No I would not!
Alex Trebek: Okay, Mr. Connery.
Sean Connery: I'll take Jap Anus Relations for 200...
Alex Trebek: [board flashes "JAPAN US RELATIONS", Trebek looks at the board in consternation] I'm sorry, that's Japan U.S. Relations, that's just awful and you know it.

Alex Trebek: [the category is "The Letter that comes after "B"] The word cat would be found under this letter in the dictionary.
[Sean Connery buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: . Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: I believe you'd find that in the R section.
Alex Trebek: No, not in the "R's".
Sean Connery: Not in the "R's"? That's not what your mother said.

Sean Connery: Well, well, well, Trebek, fancy seeing you again. It's been a while.
Alex Trebek: Not long enough.
Sean Connery: That's not what your mother said last night.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Connery, let's see what you wrote.
[the board displays 0+0-0=0]
Alex Trebek: Zero plus zero minus zero equals zero. I think we have a winner, those are numbers, a first grader would know that! I can't believe it! Well, that's all the time we have...
Sean Connery: Oh, uh, don't ya want to see what I wagered, Trebek?
Alex Trebek: Do I? You promise me it's still a number?
Sean Connery: Absolutely. Friend.
Alex Trebek: Sure.
Sean Connery: [0+0-0=0 becomes "POOP,p+0-0=p on board] It is a number! Number 2, Get it?
[Sean Connery starts laughing, eventually dopeslaps Trebek]
Alex Trebek: Okay, that's it, I quit, once and for all, really. Good night.

[introducing the Double Jeopardy categories]
Alex Trebek: "Japan US Relations." I have no idea what that category is doing up there.
Sean Connery: I had relations this morning, Trebek. Hope we didn't wake you; your mother's a screamer.

"Saturday Night Live: David Duchovny/Puff Daddy/Jimmy Page (#23.20)" (1998)
[on "Celebrity Jeopardy."]
Sean Connery: It looks like this is my lucky day! I'll take "The Rapists" for $200.
Alex Trebek: That's "therapists", not "the rapists".

Alex Trebek: [after Jeff Goldblum marvels at the buzzer rather than answering the questions] And you're an idiot! The answer was..."A Glass".
Sean Connery: [triumphantly gestures his arm] THEN THE DAY IS MINE!
Alex Trebek: Technically, it's still Mr. Goldblum's board, but since he is a human wasteland, I'll let Mr. Connery pick again.
Sean Connery: Oh, I'll play your game, you rogue! Let's try "The Rapists" for $20.
Alex Trebek: How about Show and Tell for $600? I'll just show you an object and you'll tell me what it is, ok?
Sean Connery: [Sean Connery buzzes in] It's a man with a moustache!
Alex Trebek: No, Mr. Connery, I'm not the object, I haven't it shown it to you yet.
[Trebek takes out a hammer]
Alex Trebek: Here it is. Name this object.
[Minnie Driver buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Minnie Driver.
Minnie Driver: It's a popsicle!
[timer sounds]
Alex Trebek: No.
[Jeff Goldblum buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Jeff Goldblum, name this object.
Jeff Goldblum: Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a... uh... a what-do-you-call-it when you... umm... When you... when you punish criminals in... uh... days of yore. It was a... And you'd put them in the... uh... the square in those... you know... uh... Yes. Uh,. thank you. That's a... uh... a what-do-you-call-it when you... umm... When you... when you punish criminals in... uh... days of yore. It was a... And you'd put them in the... uh... the square in those... you know... uh...
Alex Trebek: You mean in the stocks or a pillory?
Jeff Goldblum: Yes, exactly!
[timer sounds]
Alex Trebek: It's a FRIGGIN HAMMER!
Jeff Goldblum: Well of course it is.
Sean Connery: Now listen to me, YOU BACK OFF TREBEK! You wouldn't have known that if you didn't have that card in front of ya!
[to Jeff Goldblum]
Sean Connery: This guy reads from a card!
Alex Trebek: Whatever. Let's move on to "Current U.S. Presidents" for $400.

Alex Trebek: And the answer is: You would normally drink water out of one of these.
[Sean Connery buzzes in]
Alex Trebek: Sean Connery?
Sean Connery: A leather glove.

[to Minnie Driver]
Alex Trebek: Are you English or retarded?

"The X-Files: Jose Chung's 'From Outer Space' (#3.20)" (1996)
Man in Black: Your scientists have yet to discover how neural networks create self-consciousness, let alone how the human brain processes two-dimensional retinal images into the three-dimensional phenomenon known as perception. Yet you somehow brazenly declare that seeing is believing!

Man in Black: Even the former leader of your United States of America, James Earl Carter Jr., thought he saw a UFO once. But it's been proven he only saw the planet Venus.
Roky Crikenson: I'm a Republican.
Man in Black: Venus was at its peak brilliance last night. You probably thought you saw something up in the sky other than Venus, but I assure you, it was Venus.

Man in Black #2: [to Mulder] You're feeling very sleepy, very relaxed

"Saturday Night Live: Lucy Liu/Jay-Z (#26.8)" (2000)
Sean Connery: I pose a conundrum to you, a riddle if you will.
Alex Trebek: [as Alex Trebeck] I don't want to hear it.
Sean Connery: What's the difference between you and a mallard with a cold. One's a sick duck... I can't remember how it ends, but your mother's a whore.

Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, why don't you pick.
Sean Connery: Well, the game is afoot. I'll take Anal Bum Cover for $7000
Alex Trebek: [Pans to board, it reads "An Album Cover", audience breaks into laughter and applause] That's...
[Sean Connery laughs wildly... ]
Alex Trebek: That's "An Album Cover", NOT ANAL BUM COVER!
Sean Connery: I can read Trebek! That says Anal Bum Cover! I spent five years of my life trying to invent an anal bum cover! Failure to do so is my greatest regret!
Alex Trebek: You have led a horrifying life.

[viewing the contestants' Final Jeopardy answers]
Alex Trebek: And finally, Sean Connery asked himself...
[cut to Connery's board, which features a crudely drawn picture]
Alex Trebek: I think I know where this is going. Let me just see here. Yeah. Yeah, that's a horse having sex with me.

"Rugrats: Game Show Didi/Toys in the Attic (#2.24)" (1993)
[Didi is preparing for her appearance on the game show "Super Stumpers."]
Didi: There is no way he'll get this one.
Alan Quebec: What was President Nixon's...
[contestant Edmund buzzes in]
Edmund Haynes: Ketchup and cottage cheese.
Alan Quebec: Correct.
Didi: Huh?

Alan Quebec: This tool is used to tighten bolts...
[Didi buzzes in]
Didi: What is a torque wrench?
Alan Quebec: You're absolutely right... and Didi you don't have to answer in form of a question.

"Saturday Night Live: Winona Ryder/Moby (#27.20)" (2002)
Alex Trebek: [Sean Connery buzzes in] Sean Connery.
Sean Connery: Can you repeat the question?
Alex Trebek: Of Simon and Garfunkel, the one that is not Garfunkel.
Sean Connery: I Garfunkeled your mother.

"Cheers: What is... Cliff Clavin? (#8.14)" (1990)
[Cliff is appearing on Jeopardy]
Alex Trebek: Let's go to Cliff and get his Final Jeopardy answer. "Who are people who have never been in my kitchen?" I'm sorry, that is wrong.
Cliff: Wait a minute, Alex. I can offer conclusive proof that those three people have never been in my kitchen.

"The Nanny: Franny and the Professor (#3.2)" (1995)
Alex Trebek: [during Final Jeopardy] Fran?
Fran Fine: Well, my mother and I were on our way to Israel on El Al, and who was sitting next to us but Diana Kind, a.k.a. Barbara Streisand's mother, in *coach* - they got a lot of unresolved issues, those two - on her way to see the pyramids in Giza...
Alex Trebek: So your response is Giza?
Fran Fine: No, Mr. In-a-Hurry. But talking about Streisand and Egypt reminded me of Omar Sharif who, according to my Funny Girl trivia book, was *not* the first actor cast in the role of Nicky Arnstein, but was born in...
Alex Trebek: MISS FINE!
Fran Fine: [shouting] What is Alexandria?
Alex Trebek: [shocked] That's right.

"Saturday Night Live: Will Ferrell/Green Day (#34.22)" (2009)
Alex Trebek: Sean Connery, would you pick a category?
Sean Connery: I'll take "Catch The Semen" for 800.
Alex Trebek: It's not "Catch the Semen".
Sean Connery: Is that what the moustache is for, Trebek?