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Quotes for
Tom Cruise (Character)
from "Saturday Night Live" (1975)

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Mission: Improbable (2000) (TV)
[first lines]
[Footage from "Mission: Impossible II" shows Tom Cruise as Ethan Hunt engaged in some daredevil rock-climbing. The footage cuts to Tom Crooze, the stunt double, holding on desperately to the rock wall]
Tom Crooze: In order to do my job, I have to ask myself: Who is Tom Cruise? What is Tom Cruise? Why is Tom Cruise? When is Tom Cruise?
[Cut to Tom Crooze in a chair on a film sound stage, apparently speaking to an interviewer]
Tom Crooze: I think that, in order to become a really good stunt double, you have to become really one with the actor. You have to walk like the actor, talk like the actor, legally change your name to sound like the actor's. I don't think of myself as a stunt double, really. It's more like I'm a stunt one-ble.

[Tom Crooze is preparing for a scene with fight trainer David Lea, who demonstrates a remarkable whirl and kick. The screen caption reads: Mission Impossible II, pre-production, June 1999]
Tom Crooze: I don't think Tom's going to want to do that kick. All right? That's not the way he moves. He doesn't pivot that way. He likes to lunge left. He doesn't usually scoop under right. I think it's a bad idea. He's never going to go for it. It's not realistic. It's not a Tom Cruise kick.
Fight trainer: Tom said he wanted to go with a kick.
Tom Crooze: Uh, I've done fourteen films with Tom. All right? So I think I have a pretty good idea of what Tom does or doesn't want...
[Tom Cruise joins them and shakes Lea's hand]
Tom Cruise: How's that kick coming along?
Fight trainer: He doesn't think you'd go with a kick.
Tom Crooze: WHAT? That's...
[Crooze tries to laugh off his embarrassment]


"South Park: Trapped in the Closet (#9.12)" (2005)
R. Kelly: [singing] Man, this is some crazy shit here. Why won't you both just come out the closet, they said?
Tom Cruise, John Travolta: [singing] We're not coming out the closet. You can just go away.
R. Kelly: [singing] But everyone wants you out the closet.
Tom Cruise, John Travolta: [singing] That doesn't matter 'cause we're gonna stay.
R. Kelly: [singing] Now I'm startin' to get angry, so I pull out my gun!
[as soon as R. Kelly pulls out his gun, everyone standing outside Stan's room runs away]
R. Kelly: [singing] I'm gonna give you a count to three to open this closet door, one - I'm gonna shoot you both, two - I'm gonna cap some bitch, three...
[closet door opens. With gun facing forward, R. Kelly slowly approaches the door and enters the closet. The closet door shuts]
R. Kelly: [singing] Now I'm in the closet. Now I'm in the closet too.

Nicole Kidman: Tom... Tom, it's Nicole.
Tom Cruise: Hi Nicole.
Nicole Kidman: Tom, don't you think this has gone on long enough? It's time for you to come out of the closet.
Tom Cruise: I'm not in the closet.
Nicole Kidman: Yes you are, Tom. And you need to just end this & come out. I'm not going to think any differently of you. Katie's not going to think any differently of you. You don't need to be in that closet any more, Tom.
Tom Cruise: I'm not in here though.
Nicole Kidman: Yes, you are.
Tom Cruise: I'm not... I'm not in the closet.
Nicole Kidman: Then how am I talking to you Tom? Tom, you can't hide forever just because the reincarnation of L. Ron Hubbard doesn't like your acting. Come out of the closet Tom, you're not fooling anyone.
Tom Cruise: But I'm not-I'm not in here.


"South Park: 201 (#14.6)" (2010)
[last lines]
Stan Marsh: Look, Mr. Cruise... I'm sorry I said you were a fudge packer and that you had Seaman on your back.
Tom Cruise: I just can't do it anymore. I wanna go away. But there's nowhere on earth that people aren't around to rip on me.
Kyle Broflovski: Hey... Hey, we know a place! We know a place where everything is just happiness and joy. And no humans are there to mess it up.
Stan Marsh: We do? Oh... Oh yeah, we do!
Tom Cruise: You... really? Somewhere where I can just live out my days in peace and quiet and - Oh... Oh please, can you show me where?
Stan Marsh: We'll do better than that. We'll help you get there.
[Tom Cruise is then shown laying dead next to Willzyx on the moon]


Superhero Movie (2008)
Tom Cruise: [clapping with each syllable to emphasize his point] Old MacDonald had a farm and Bingo was his name - o.