Harriet Oleson
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Quotes for
Harriet Oleson (Character)
from "Little House on the Prairie" (1974)

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"Little House on the Prairie: Back to School: Part 1 (#6.1)" (1979)
[repeated line]
Mrs. Oleson: Oh, for heaven's sakes!

Nellie Oleson: Who's going to do the cooking?
Mrs. Oleson: What?
Nellie Oleson: I said, who's going to do the cooking?
Mrs. Oleson: Well darling, who's name is on the window?
Nels Oleson: Was on the window.
Mrs. Oleson: Oh Nels, please!
Nellie Oleson: Mother, I don't like to cook.
Mrs. Oleson: I know darling. You don't like to cook at home. But after all, this is your own, very own restaurant!
Nels Oleson: Mother, I don't like cooking... At home or here!

Mrs. Oleson: Now, Nellie dear... I want you to understand what it means to have an establishment such as this - what the advantages are in having it. When I first met your father, I had a small mercantile business. Of course, he was quite smitten with me when he first laid eyes on me. But... well, having such a business... Well, it rather helped getting married, shall I say. Of course, I realize that there are many young men around Hero Township that have their cap set for you. But, maybe they're just shy. Or perhaps they're just afraid that they can't support you in the manner in which you're accustomed. Do I make myself clear, Nellie?
Nellie Oleson: Yes, Mother.
Mrs. Oleson: Good. Now, do you like y our gift?
Nellie Oleson: Yes, Mother.
Mrs. Oleson: Good. Now, are there any more questions?
Nellie Oleson: Yes.
Mrs. Oleson: Mm?
Nellie Oleson: Who's going to do the cooking?

Mrs. Oleson: Please... God... Send someone to marry her!


"Little House on the Prairie: Little Lou (#9.5)" (1982)
Harriet Oleson: [laughs] A midget!
Lou Bates: It appears that way.
Harriet Oleson: Well, I've never seen one before.
Lou Bates: It's a small world.

Harriet Oleson: Surely your not considering hiring that dwarf in there, are you?
Mr. Bill Anderson: Why... yes I was. I need a teller and he...
Harriet Oleson: Are you running a bank or are you running a sideshow? I can't believe you'd hire someone like that.
Mr. Bill Anderson: Mrs. Oleson, I do not judge someone by their size. I judge them by their ability.
Harriet Oleson: Well, perhaps there are a few other things you should take into consideration.
Mr. Bill Anderson: Such as?
Harriet Oleson: Such as... Once you let one undesirable into the community, do you realize how many will follow? Now, I think he should be with his own kind.
Mr. Bill Anderson: Mrs. Oleson...
Harriet Oleson: I'm not finished, Mr. Anderson! Now, of course the decision to hire him is yours, but I want you to know that if he does work in that bank, my account will be closed. And I'm quite sure that the Oleson account is by far the largest that is in town.

John Carter: Mr. Oleson, cancel my account at the store and the restaurant.
Harriet Oleson: Well, why for Heanve's sake?
John Carter: Because I can't trust you. Your eyes are too close together.

Harriet Oleson: I don't know why it is I have such a short temper.
Lou Bates: What?
Harriet Oleson: I have such a short temper.
Lou Bates: If anyone has a short temper, it should be me.


"Little House on the Prairie: Founder's Day (#1.24)" (1975)
Caroline Ingalls: Well, I'm sure that recipe was handed down from generation to generation.
Harriet Oleson: To generation.

Nellie Oleson: My Pa's gonna win the tug of war!
Nellie Oleson: [to Nels] Aren't you gonna be in it?
Nels Oleson: Oh no. It's not my type of thing.
Willie Oleson: Mr. Ingalls is gonna be in it.
Nellie Oleson: It wouldn't hurt you.
Nels Oleson: Absolutely not!
Harriet Oleson: Nels, don't you want the children to be proud of you?
Nels Oleson: Yes, Dear.

Laura Ingalls: We're gonna win the three legged race!
Harriet Oleson: Mrs. Ingalls can't... can she?
Nels Oleson: I don't see why not.
Nellie Oleson: That's not fair! Mrs. Ingalls is a grown up!
Willie Oleson: If she can race, you can. And you can win!
Harriet Oleson: I know... Well, no. I don't think it's proper!
Nels Oleson: Harriet, don't you want the children to be proud of you?

Harriet Oleson: I was thinking about uh... your children.
Caroline Ingalls: You were?
Harriet Oleson: Mm hm. Mary and Laura... I mean... well, don't feel too badly. Dome children are just better coordinated than others.
Caroline Ingalls: What?
Harriet Oleson: Well yes. I suppose I'm just a doting mother, but... well, Nellie and Willie are just very, very good at sports. I guess they take after me. I was very athletic when I was a youngster.
Caroline Ingalls: Really? Well, I'm sure that had something to do with it. You know, those things are handed down from generation to generation.
Harriet Oleson: I've heard that.


"Little House on the Prairie: Sylvia: Part 1 (#7.17)" (1981)
Nels Oleson: Harriet, boys will be boys.
Harriet Oleson: My son will not be a boy!

Harriet Oleson: How could you? How could you be a peeping Tom?
Willie Oleson: I couldn't. My name's Willie.

Charles Ingalls: It's just natural curiosity, Harriet - - boys will be boys, myself included - - all of us boys liked to go to the swimming holes to have a peep at the girls when they were frolicking in the water.
Harriet Oleson: Oh really? Well, I certainly don't remember any of the boys sneaking around the swimming hole when I was a girl.
Nels Oleson: THAT'S the truth!
Harriet Oleson: What was that?
Nels Oleson: I said, Charles is telling the truth. We do indeed need to show some leniency and understanding here.


"Little House on the Prairie: Here Come the Brides (#4.12)" (1977)
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: [talking about Nellie's new boyfriend in bed] He's a bit rough around the edges but I kind of like the boy.
Mrs. Oleson: You never had any taste.
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: You're right.
Mrs. Oleson: What did you say?
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: I said good night!

Justice of the peace: [arranging people at Miss Beedle's wedding] You stand here and you here.
Mrs. Oleson: Where do you want me?
Justice of the peace: I'd rather not say!

Mrs. Oleson: Nels, make her a widow.


"Little House on the Prairie: Crossed Connections (#6.12)" (1979)
Harriet Oleson: I swear, I will never understand that woman as long as I live! It's one thing to be poor, but its another thing to admit it.
Nellie Oleson: Well, the poor are ignorant, Mother. That's why they never amount to anything.
Harriet Oleson: How true, how true! Thank heavens we're rich!
Nellie Oleson: Amen.

Harriet Oleson: Well don't look at me. It's not my fault! I was never married before.
Nels Oleson: Of course not! What other idiot would have married you?

Harriet Oleson: Thank God we still have the store.
Nels Oleson: Not we, Harriet. I still have the store. Remember?
Harriet Oleson: Nels, you can't mean...
Nels Oleson: I can. And I certainly do. Well, you're the one that laid down that law.
Harriet Oleson: [Cries] But how am I going to pay my bills?
Nels Oleson: You figure it out. That's what comes of buying all this nonsense on credit. Piano, jewelry, crystal... You said you can pay it all yourself. Well, now you can do it.
Harriet Oleson: But how?
Nels Oleson: Get a job.
Harriet Oleson: Get a job? Where?
Nels Oleson: That's a very good question, Harriet.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Reincarnation of Nellie: Part 2 (#8.2)" (1981)
Nels Oleson: Now!
Harriet Oleson: No!
Nels Oleson: Now!
Harriet Oleson: No!
Nels Oleson: NOW!
Harriet Oleson: Now!

Harriet Oleson: Well, she's not gonna get away with it anymore! I am gonna put my foot down!
Nels Oleson: Well, it's about time.
Harriet Oleson: Yes! She'll be sorry. She'll go to bed without any dessert tonight.
Nels Oleson: That's the punishment?
Harriet Oleson: You think it's too harsh?

Harriet Oleson: That's right! I am your mother! And you won't
[Throws ball]
Harriet Oleson: ... Lie to me
[Throws ball]
Harriet Oleson: ... AGAIN!
[Throws ball and hits target]


"Little House on the Prairie: The Richest Man in Walnut Grove (#2.1)" (1975)
Harriet Oleson: Oh, my back is killing me again.
Nels Oleson: And again... and again...
Harriet Oleson: Did you say something, Nels?
Nels Oleson: Oh... uh... no. I was just checking these shoe sizes. Uh... and a ten... and a ten...

Harriet Oleson: I don't think it's fair that you take advantage of a friendship.
Caroline Ingalls: I can hardly take advantage of something that doesn't exist.
Harriet Oleson: Well, that's gratitude!
Caroline Ingalls: No, that's truth, Mrs. Olsen! My husband will be in to pay the bill in full at the end of the week!

Harriet Oleson: Pride cometh before destruction; and a haughty spirit before a fall! Proverbs 16:18!
Charles Ingalls: Correction. It is pride GOETH before destruction, Mrs. Olsen. And as for the rest of it, I'd fall in the Grand Canyon before I let my wife go begging to you!


"Little House on the Prairie: Family Quarrel (#1.16)" (1975)
Mrs. Oleson: You disgraced me before of the whole town, and I want nothing less than a public apology!
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: I disgraced YOU? YOU disgraced ME!
[they yell at each other. The reverend tries to make peace]
Reverend Robert Alden: Please, there must be forgiveness!
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Forgiveness? Don't talk to me about forgiveness till you lived with a women like that.
Mrs. Oleson: Tssskkk...
[both of them leave the church]

Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Get out of that candy!
Mrs. Oleson: How stingy!
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: I'm not stingy. Their teeth will fall out. Is that what you want to happen? Their teeth to fall out?
Mrs. Oleson: You may each have three pieces of candy. Take them nicely and then run off to school.

[Caroline brings basket of eggs to the Olesons' store. Harriet examines the eggs criticizingly and offers to pay Caroline less than the usual price. Nels intervenes]
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: There's nothing wrong with those eggs.
Mrs. Oleson: I think I'll be the judge of that.
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Judge? You're not the judge of anything.
Mrs. Oleson: Bu...
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: You want to know what you are? I'm gonna tell you what you are...
Mrs. Oleson: [while Nels is still talking] What do you think you are doing?
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: You are a mean, nasty-tempered woman and it would be better off for this whole town...
Mrs. Oleson: Who do you think you are, calling me mean and nasty-tempered?
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: It would be better off for this whole town if you were locked up in a cage and fed with a stick! You have made life miserable for...
Mrs. Oleson: Why, you ungrateful louse!
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Oh, is that right?
Mrs. Oleson: Yes!
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Well, let me tell you something. It's about a put my foot down! It's about time you find out who wears the pants in this family! For now on, I would judge the eggs around here.
[Harriet stares at Nels with mixed expression of anger and surprise]
Mrs. Oleson: Fine... FINE! You go right ahead and judge them!
[Harriet dumps the basket of eggs on poor Nels' head. The eggs break and run down his face. Harriet leaves. Caroline gapes. Nels turns to Caroline, while the basket is still on his head, his face and shirt are covered with yellow yolk drippings]
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Now Mrs. Ingalls, if you would be kind enough to tell me how much your eggs would have been worth at the regular price...
[later, Carolin tells Charles what happened at the store. Charles bursts out laughing, but Caroline does not think it is funny]


"Little House on the Prairie: The Camp-Out (#2.9)" (1975)
Harriet Oleson: Well, if that isn't just like the Ingalls. Giving their children an unfair advantage.
Nellie Oleson: Laura and Mary will find all kinds of leaves that nobody can find around here.
Nels Oleson: I happen to know that Charles has been planning this fishing trip for weeks.
Harriet Oleson: Well, you certainly don't think that he's going to spend all his time fishing, do you? I happen to know that he sets great store by his children. So he's gonna help them all he can.
Willie Oleson: Yeah, it's not fair!
Nels Oleson: Well, I don't know what you expect me to do about it.
Harriet Oleson: I expect you to find out where they're going. Then take your son... your daughter to the exact same spot.
Nels Oleson: I can't do that! A man doesn't just intrude on another man's Holiday.
Harriet Oleson: The forests and the rivers belong to you as much as they do to him.

Harriet Oleson: The two of us together under the wilderness sky... Ah... Just think of it!
Nels Oleson: I am.

Harriet Oleson: I'll carry the pack with the tea service in it myself.
Charles Ingalls: Tea service?
Nels Oleson: That's what I've been trying to tell ya. Harriet decided to come along.
Charles Ingalls: Caroline, I think we left something in the barn.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Race (#3.3)" (1976)
Harriet Oleson: Oh... You know, I just thought of something! Well, Nellie has two pairs of shows that are practically like perfectly new and she has grown right out of them. And I was going to give them to the needy in Mankato, but I think I should give them to the needy right here in Walnut Grove.
Caroline Ingalls: That's very kind of you, Mrs. Olsen, I'm sure. But we'll take these we picked out.
Harriet Oleson: Well, I always say Mrs. Ingalls, that charity does begin at home.
Caroline Ingalls: We don't need charity, Mrs. Olsen.
Harriet Oleson: Well, what do you call it when you come in here and charge things? I mean, everything you see in this store we have paid for.
Caroline Ingalls: I know that, Mrs. Olsen.
Harriet Oleson: Well then I don't see where beggars can afford to be choosers.
Caroline Ingalls: Thank you for your kind offer, Mr. Olsen. We'll be back when we can pay for these in cash!

Harriet Oleson: Now you just listen to your mother! Laura Ingalls is not going to win the race with that horse! Mother will see to THAT!


"Little House on the Prairie: Harriet's Happenings (#5.8)" (1978)
Harriet Oleson: We have it from a very reliable source that Harrit Olsen's hair is not all her own and neither are her teeth.

Caroline Ingalls: Well, if the items were wrong; and I don't know that they were...
Harriet Oleson: Wrong? Well of course they were wrong!
Caroline Ingalls: Then you can always print a retraction. Put it right on the front page. Don't stick it way in the back. Something to the effect of um..."Contrary to published reports, Harriet Oleson does not have false teeth and does not wear a wig.


"Little House on the Prairie: May I Have This Dance (#9.21)" (1983)
Willie Oleson: Mother, I have something to say to you and I'm only gonna say it once, so I want you to pay attention.
Harriet Oleson: Willie, there's nothing that you have to say...
Willie Oleson: Mother, I'm talking! You're listening! You've been complaining to me, and to Father, and to everyone else in Walnut Grove that'll listen to you, that Rachel is ruining my life! Now, I've kept quiet about it, because I thought you'd realize how wrong you are. But I'm not gonna keep quiet about it any longer. If anyone is ruining my chances for a happy life around here, you are!
Harriet Oleson: Me?
Willie Oleson: Yes you!
Harriet Oleson: AH!
Willie Oleson: Rachel is my best chance for a happy life, and I don't ever want to hear you say another unkind word about her. Now, we are going to open up the restaurant. And you can stay here until you accept the fact that Rachel and I are getting married. Because that's exactly what I'm gonna do!

Willie Oleson: Mr. Edwards is going to be my best man.
[Walks out of the store while Harriet stared aghast]
Harriet Oleson: Now, there you see what that wrench has done to him?
Nels Oleson: [Proudly] Astonishing!


"Little House on the Prairie: The Wolves (#4.5)" (1977)
Harriet Oleson: [Holds up an iron skillet] Well, I'm still recommending this one.
Jonathan Garvey: Seems a little expensive, ma'am.
Harriet Oleson: Quality doesn't come cheap, Mr. Garvey. Now look at the workman ship of this, I mean I can see my reflection in it.
Jonathan Garvey: Well, I don't need one to look in. I need one to cook in.

Harriet Oleson: What are you? A doctor or a veterinarian?
Dr. Hiram Baker: Looking at some of my patience sometimes, I get a little confused myself.


"Little House on the Prairie: A Child with No Name (#9.18)" (1983)
Isaiah Edwards: Doc ain't slept a wink. I never seen a man work so hard.
[Harriet scoffs]
Isaiah Edwards: 'Course some folks don't care if he kills himself trying to save that child.
Mrs. Oleson: Whatever caused him to do that, Mr. Edwards, will never make up for what he didn't do.
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: I'll get your order.
Isaiah Edwards: [About Harriet] Like talking to a Chinese pack mule.
Mrs. Oleson: What did you say?
Isaiah Edwards: You heard me.
Mrs. Oleson: You're rude.
Isaiah Edwards: You're ugly.

Mrs. Oleson: [About the mule Doc Baker treated] And he's got a jackass for a patient.
Isaiah Edwards: That's right. He's got you, and the mule too.
Mrs. Oleson: Oh shut up, you old reprobate!
Isaiah Edwards: [Laughs] And you're still ugly!
Mrs. Oleson: Shut up!


"Little House on the Prairie: The Cheaters (#5.11)" (1978)
Harriet Oleson: I see it as an opportunity to do God's work.
Alice Garvey: God's work?
Harriet Oleson: Yes. An opportunity for the more gifted to help the less gifted.

Harriet Oleson: There must have been some terrible mistake! Why, it's impossible that my Nellie didn't win. Obviously you graded the papers incorrectly.
Alice Garvey: You may be right. You can check the answers if you want. They're right here. Inside Nellie's jacket. The same jacket she's worn for ever test I've given. Except this last test. I've kept it up here on my desk. Have a nice day.


"Little House on the Prairie: Come Let Us Reason Together (#7.13)" (1981)
Benjamin Cohen: Let me put it clearly so you will understand. This baby will be Jewish.
Harriet Oleson: Mm mm. Half Jew.
Benjamin Cohen: There is no such thing as half a jew.
Harriet Oleson: Ah ha! Then he will be a whole Christian!

Harriet Oleson: Could you imagine my daughter giving birth to a jew? Can you imagine what that child will be like? Nervy and greedy and pushy and always after food and cheap, cheap, cheap!
Nels Oleson: Harriet, you know you just opened my eyes.
Harriet Oleson: Oh! Well, it's about time you start listening to me!
Nels Oleson: Yes. Yes I am. If all that you are saying is true, then you must be Jewish.


"Little House on the Prairie: Ebenezer Sprague (#2.3)" (1975)
Harriet Oleson: Well, it's just that we've become such close business associates and all that I think it would be putting unfair pressure on the man. Don't you see?
Caroline Ingalls: Who is this man, Mrs. Olsen?
Harriet Oleson: Mr. Sprague, of course. You can't expect the owner of the town's leading business establishment to ask for charity from the town banker. Can you?
Caroline Ingalls: Well, I would have thought it would put you in a fine spot for a fine donation.
Harriet Oleson: Well no. No, I'm sure... Well... No, I don't think it's proper.
Caroline Ingalls: Well Mrs. Olsen, if you're afraid to ask Mr. Sprague, I'll be glad to ask him for you.

Harriet Oleson: I wanted to meet you before you got the notion that there was absolutely nobody like you in the town.
Ebenezer Sprague: Like me?
Harriet Oleson: Mm hm.
Harriet Oleson: Uh... educated people of quality and uh...
[giggles]
Harriet Oleson: ... substance. I uh... I come from a city also, Mr. Sprague, as I'm sure that you do.
Ebenezer Sprague: Mrs. Olsen, I quit school when I was in third grade. My father was a farmer. I never saw a city until I was seventeen, and then I didn't like it. Now, if you have some business to transact, I'll be with you in just a moment just as soon as I finish with Mr. Ingalls.


"Little House on the Prairie: Laura Ingalls Wilder: Part 1 (#7.1)" (1980)
[Nellie has stomach pains]
Mrs. Oleson: Do you know what I think it is? I think it's that strange food you make for your husband!
Nellie Oleson: But he likes it, and it doesn't make him sick!
Mrs. Oleson: Well, of course HE likes it - he's used to it! He's Jewish. A person can get used to ANYTHING! Look at the cannibals... they eat each other, and they think it's just dandy!

Dr. Hiram Baker: Nellie's getting dressed. You can go right in.
Mrs. Oleson: Dressed? Dressed?
Dr. Hiram Baker: Now please, Mrs. Oleson! I can't exactly examine a patient who is fully clothed.
Mrs. Oleson: But Dr. Baker, I brought her in here with an upset stomach! I don't understand why she had to take her clothes off!
Dr. Hiram Baker: I'm sure you don't. Nellie will explain.
Mrs. Oleson: What do you mean Nellie will explain?
Dr. Hiram Baker: Yes. She wanted to be the one to tell you.
Mrs. Oleson: Tell me? Oh no...
[Cries]
Mrs. Oleson: Oh Dear no! Oh my...
Dr. Hiram Baker: Mrs. Oleson...
Mrs. Oleson: Oh...
[cries]
Mrs. Oleson: My poor baby. Isn't there anything you can do?
Dr. Hiram Baker: I'm afraid not.
Mrs. Oleson: Oh... How long?
Dr. Hiram Baker: Six months. At the most.
Nellie Oleson: Mother!
Mrs. Oleson: It's alright, doctor. I'll be alright. She'll need me now. I'll be strong.
Nellie Oleson: Mother...
Mrs. Oleson: Yes, My Darling?
Nellie Oleson: I'm going to have a baby!
[Clunk is heard]


"Little House on the Prairie: As Long as We're Together: Part 2 (#5.2)" (1978)
Josie: [Talking to Mrs. Oleson after she is hired as a bar maid] You could use a little makeup on those crows feet.
Harriet Oleson: I beg your pardon? Those aren't crows feet, they are laugh lines!
Josie: Oh, Honey! Nothin's that funny!

Harriet Oleson: Well, if you loved
[the children]
Harriet Oleson: you would send them to the school!
Nels Oleson: Well, I've got a life insurance policy. If I kill myself, then we'd have enough money to send them to the private school.
Harriet Oleson: Nells... would you do that?
Nels Oleson: Of course not!
Harriet Oleson: I should have known... for one moment there, I felt so close to you!


"Little House on the Prairie: Bunny (#3.2)" (1976)
[Laura finds out that Nellie has been pretending to be paralyzed. Instead of confronting Nellie for her lies and for forcing Laura to serve her, Laura finds a better way to pay her back. She takes Nellie in her wheelchair to the top of the hill overlooking the town. Laura waits till she sees Mrs. Oleson passing by, driving a cart]
Laura: [calls loudly, waving her hands] Mrs. Oleson! Mrs. Oleson, I'm here!
[Mrs. Oleson stops the cart, looks upward and sees Laura and Nellie on the hill top]
Mrs. Oleson: [angrily] And... wa... Laura Ingalls! What have you done with the filthy animal?
[Laura hurries to Nellie]
Laura: Nellie, your mother wants you!
[Laura gives Nellie a firm shove. Nellie screams in fear as the wheelchair rolls down the hill slope, accelerating rapidly. Mrs. Oleson gapes]
Mrs. Oleson: [in horror] Nellie!
Laura: [smiles gloatingly] You're such a good friend, Nellie!
[Nellie's wheelchair rolls down the hill, until it reaches the ground level. It stops abruptly, sending Nellie headfirst into a muddy small pond]
Mrs. Oleson: Nellie!
[Nellie stands up whimpering, forgetting that she is "paralyzed", completely soaked. Mrs. Oleson is so overjoyed to see her daughter's sudden "recovery", that she forgets to be angry at Laura]
Mrs. Oleson: [emotionally] Nellie... my baby... it's a miracle!
[Mrs. Olseon faints of joy, falling backward from her cart. Later, Laura goes to see Mr. Oleson. He is not upset at Laura, but quite content that his mean daughter got what she deserved for her lies]

Nels Oleson: Harriet, it was an accident.
Mrs. Oleson: Well, it wasn't! That horse deliberately ran right into that tree! It was no accident!


"Little House on the Prairie: Troublemaker (#2.17)" (1976)
Harriet Oleson: I always find that the only thing harder to find in Walnut Grove than good food is intelligent talk.

Harriet Oleson: Laura Ingalls is a trouble maker.
Nels Oleson: Harriet!
Harriet Oleson: I'm only stating a simple truth.
Nels Oleson: I've always found her to be very pleasant and well behaved.
Harriet Oleson: Well, you haven't been around her when she's up to her tricks! Isn't that so, children?


"Little House on the Prairie: The Lake Kezia Monster (#5.19)" (1979)
Kezia Horne: [Kezia is separating peas from their pods] With that bathing suit on she looks like a hot air balloon!
Mrs. Oleson: What did you say?
Kezia Horne: I said I ought to have all these peas cracked by noon.
Mrs. Oleson: Well you better!

Nellie Oleson: [Screaming] Kill it!
Mrs. Oleson: [Screaming] Yes! Shot it! Kill it!
Nellie Oleson: [Screaming] You've got the gun!


"Little House on the Prairie: Second Spring (#6.21)" (1980)
Harriet Oleson: Well he's my son too! More so!
Nels Oleson: How do you figure that?
Harriet Oleson: I bore him!
Nels Oleson: Well, you bore me too but that doesn't make you my Mother!

Harriet Oleson: Nels, don't forget you have a tongue in the oven.
Nels Oleson: I got one in the store too.


"Little House on the Prairie: School Mom (#1.9)" (1974)
Harriet Oleson: Uh... before any decision is made, I would like to have an assurance.
Lars Hanson: Yaw, Mrs. Olsen?
Harriet Oleson: Well, uh... Mrs. Ingalls has two children of her own. And I would like to be assured that if she takes the position, that she won't show favoritism toward her two children other... uh... other children.
Caroline: [after long pause while staring at Mrs. Olsen] Mr. Hansen, I've made up my mind. I'll teach the children.

Harriet Oleson: Didn't you tell the children I was going to teach today?
Nellie Oleson: We did.
Willie Oleson: That's the trouble.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Faith Healer (#6.10)" (1979)
Harriet Oleson: If Reverend Danforth is really what they think he is... well, I'm gonna look like an absolute fool!

Nels Oleson: Harriet, I told a lie out there.
Harriet Oleson: Oh Nels, what are you talking about?
Nels Oleson: I am not looking forward to Reverend Danforth coming back
Harriet Oleson: Why Nels Oleson, what is the matter with you?
Nels Oleson: It's the way I feel!
Harriet Oleson: Well, if you feel that way, then why did you vote for him?
Nels Oleson: Because you wanted him here! Because the town wanted him.
Harriet Oleson: Well, of course they did! The man is obviously a hand of God! Well, he is! And he's going to make this town famous. And it certainly isn't gonna hurt our business any. People are gonna come from miles around to be healed! And it was my idea to bring him here in the first place, and don't you forget it.
Nels Oleson: I'm sure I won't forget it.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Reincarnation of Nellie: Part 1 (#8.1)" (1981)
Harriet Oleson: [When told by Mr. Case that Nancy is an impossible, unadoptable child] Oh... men! Why, you just don't understand little girls.
Miss Mason: Mrs. Oleson, I must be honest. I don't understand either. In the four weeks that Nancy's been here, she has set fire to her bed, broken more windows than I can count, poured plaster into the indoor plumbing, and bitten half the children in the orphanage.
Harriet Oleson: Well, girls will be girls!

Harriet Oleson: We've got to find her!
Nels Oleson: I have found her.
Harriet Oleson: Where?
Nels Oleson: In the box. She's in the box!
Harriet Oleson: [Bends down to talk to her] Oh Nancy, this is your new mommy. Oh honey, oh, I love you...
[PUNCH]
Nels Oleson: I was wrong, Harriet. There is another child exactly like Nellie.


"Little House on the Prairie: Little Women (#3.14)" (1977)
Mrs. Oleson: [before nellies play] I haven't heard of an actress yet who hasn't experienced some temperment before a performance!
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: [after she leaves the room] I wonder what her excuse is the rest of the time?

Nelson "Nels" Oleson: ...You read it.
Willie Oleson: A whole book? That would take a year!
Mrs. Oleson: Not if you work at it, Dear. After all, there's no sacrifice too great for one's art. You just have to give to get.
Willie Oleson: I don't know nothing about sacrifice, but I'm gonna have to give a whole lot of licorice.


"Little House on the Prairie: Silent Promises (#6.17)" (1980)
Mrs. Oleson: [fighting over Willie] He's my child! I bore him!
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Well you bore me all the time! That doesn't make you my mother!
Mrs. Oleson: Nels! You know what I mean!

Mrs. Oleson: If God had wanted me to talk with my hands, He wouldn't have given me a mouth.
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Even God can make a mistake.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Legend of Black Jake (#8.7)" (1981)
Harriet Oleson: Nels... Kidnapped... A HUNDRED DOLLARS RANSOM?
[Faints]


"Little House on the Prairie: The Inheritance (#4.18)" (1978)
Harriet Oleson: Caroline, I want to hear all about your husband's dear ol' Uncle Rich!
Charles Ingalls: Uh, his name was Ned.
Harriet Oleson: Oh, well whatever.
Charles Ingalls: You ladies have a good chat. I gotta get to work, Caroline. Bye.
Harriet Oleson: Now Caroline, I want to know all about your husband's dear ol' Uncle Rich.
Charles Ingalls: Ned.
Harriet Oleson: Oh yes...


"Little House on the Prairie: Hello and Goodbye (#9.22)" (1983)
Harriet Oleson: Here you are, Mr. Montague, we had everything that was on your list.
Sherwood Montague: Thank you. Put it on my bill.
Harriet Oleson: Yes, certainly. Where's Nancy?
Sherwood Montague: I believe she said she was going upstairs to commit suicide. Good day.


"Little House on the Prairie: Christmas at Plum Creek (#1.15)" (1974)
Charles: Well, the prices are going up.
Harriet Oleson: Of course, Mr. Ingalls. It's Christmas.
Charles: Did the price of eggs go up too?
Harriet Oleson: Of course not!
Charles: Now I know what Dickens was talking about when he wrote about Ebenezer Scrooge.
Caroline Ingalls: Charles Ingalls!


"Little House on the Prairie: Whatever Happened to the Class of '56? (#6.15)" (1980)
Caroline Ingalls: Of course, I guarantee you that I will be dressed to the nines when I have my twenty-fifth reunion.
[Caroline starts laughing and Harriet laughs with her]
Harriet Oleson: [laughing] What? What's so funny?
Caroline Ingalls: Nothing.
[Both laugh]
Harriet Oleson: [Still laughing] What? What is it, huh?
Caroline Ingalls: Nothing really. I'm sorry.
Harriet Oleson: Oh no, that's all right.
Caroline Ingalls: [laughing] It was just when you mentioned about... about... not having your 25th reunion...
[laughs harder]
Harriet Oleson: Yes?
Caroline Ingalls: I couldn't help thinking how old you were when you graduated!


"Little House on the Prairie: For My Lady (#2.19)" (1976)
Caroline Ingalls: He has a very busy schedule.
Harriet Oleson: Is that what he told you?
Caroline Ingalls: What do you mean by that?
Harriet Oleson: Believe me, Mrs. Ingalls, I don't want to have to be the one to tell you; but since we're such good friends I feel I should be the one to tell you.
Caroline Ingalls: Please, Mrs. Olsen...
Harriet Oleson: Mrs. Ingalls, it upsets me so! I don't know why it is the wife is always the last one to know...
Caroline Ingalls: I know! I know everything!
Harriet Oleson: Did you know that Mrs. Thurman did not tell you the truth? Nor... nor did your husband.
Caroline Ingalls: I know already...
Harriet Oleson: Oh my Dear! You don't know the half of it. Now, I've been asking around, clearly out of concern for you, you understand. And I understand that your husband has been seen coming and going from the Widow Thurman's home every day for a week. Now, if I were you...
Caroline Ingalls: Well, you're not me, Harriet! In the first place, it's none of your business! And in the second place, I know already! Thirdly, I trust Charles completely!


"Little House on the Prairie: The Enchanted Cottage (#5.21)" (1979)
Harriet Oleson: Now, I would say that's interesting. Wouldn't you say?
Melinda Foster: Interesting?
Harriet Oleson: Mm hm.
Melinda Foster: I would say that's probably the worst exhibition of bad taste I'll ever see! Oh! How could anyone pick that dreadful color?
Harriet Oleson: I agree with you completely, of course. But after all, they're just children. Well, I was trying to be kind. You know, they really come from a family that doesn't have very much culture.
Laura Ingalls: Hi, Mrs. Olseon!
Harriet Oleson: Oh, hello darling!
Laura Ingalls: Well, what do you think?
Harriet Oleson: Oh uh... well, uh... I just think it's lovely.
Laura Ingalls: Oh good, I think so too. And I don't care what Mr. Oleson says, the colors that you picked are just perfect.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Handyman (#4.4)" (1977)
Mrs. Oleson: [after seeing Chris go to church with the Ingalls] I wouldn't feel safe with a stranger living in the house like that.
Kezia Horn: Well, if it's any comfort to you at all Mrs.O, I can guarantee that YOU'D BE SAFE!
[Mr. Oleson smiles at that]


"Little House on the Prairie: For the Love of Blanche (#9.20)" (1983)
Harriet Oleson: Nels, do something!
Nels Oleson: I have done something. I've climbed up here.


"Little House on the Prairie: Soldier's Return (#2.21)" (1976)
Harriet Oleson: As a matter of fact, I have two students for you. My own Nellie and Willie. They are both very musically inclined... I'm afraid you won't find too many people around here who have music appreciation. As a matter of fact, I am the only one who's had any musical training around here. Voice, actually.
Granville Whipple: Well then uh... I'll have to hear you sing sometime.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Election (#3.20)" (1977)
Harriet Oleson: Willie, we know that you're going to vote for your sister.
Willie Oleson: Not if I don't get any sourballs!


"Little House on the Prairie: Country Girls (#1.2)" (1974)
Harriet Oleson: I expect you're here to apologize for what happened yesterday at school.
Caroline Ingalls: I'm here to sell eggs, Mrs. Olsen.
Harriet Oleson: Hm... Well, I might have expected as much. Let me tell you something, Mrs. Ingalls. Your daughter Laura is a trouble maker and you best take her in hand! Starting fights in the school yard and pushing other children around!
Caroline Ingalls: Nellie apparently has her own version of the truth. If you will question some of the other children...
Harriet Oleson: Brown eggs are still four cents less. You didn't bring any brown eggs!
Caroline Ingalls: Oh, my husband sold them to a man at Hansen's mill for three cents more than you paid me.
Harriet Oleson: That's gratitude...
Caroline Ingalls: No, that's good business.
Harriet Oleson: Maybe they'll buy your white eggs as well.
Caroline Ingalls: As a matter of fact, my husband said he'd be glad to do so.


"Little House on the Prairie: A Harvest of Friends (#1.1)" (1974)
Harriet Oleson: Mr. Ingalls, do you know how many people move out here and plant their crops and run up more bills then they can hope to pay for, then skip out in the dead of night? Hm? Now, I can show you a hole drawer full...
Charles Ingalls: Mrs. Olson, I can assure you I have no intention of running out in the middle of the night. Thank you.


"Little House on the Prairie: Welcome to Olesonville (#9.3)" (1982)
Harriet Oleson: I think there are some simple courtesies that this town owes to me and my family.
Dr. Hiram Baker: Courtesies? What sort of courtesies do you have in mind, Harriet?
Harriet Oleson: Simple things, really. Things that won't cost this town one red cent!
John Carter: We're waiting, Mrs. Oleson.
Nels Oleson: Yes, Harriet. Please don't keep us in suspense any longer.
Harriet Oleson: Hm. Well, for example, the Main Street out here... I think it would be nice if it had a name. Harriet Oleson Boulevard. And I think it would also be nice if the courtesy was extended to my daughter, if she were invited to be the soloist in the church on Sundays. Oh yes... And there's just one more little thing...


"Little House on the Prairie: He Loves Me, He Loves Me Not: Part 2 (#6.24)" (1980)
Harriet Oleson: Oh he's Jewish. HE'S JEWISH!


"Little House on the Prairie: The Voice of Tinker Jones (#1.11)" (1974)
Harriet Oleson: Well, my husband and I would like to contribute the bell.
Reverend Robert Alden: That's mighty generous.
Harriet Oleson: We'll contribute the bell... and the plaque.
Lars Hanson: What... plaque?
Harriet Oleson: Dedicating it... in our name! After all, we are paying for it.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Collection (#3.1)" (1976)
Mary Ingalls: ...We wondered if you'd be willing to rent part of this room.
Harriet Oleson: Rent? Did you say rent?
Mary Ingalls: We'd consider the money you'd charge for rent as part of your contribution to the drive. I mean, if you rent fifty dollars for the room, we could enter that fifty dollars as part of the donation. And people around would be terribly impressed.
Harriet Oleson: Fifty dollars... my, that sounds like a rather large donation to charity
[laughs thoughtfully]
Mary Ingalls: Probably one of the biggest gift that size in the whole county.
Harriet Oleson: Ah... lIs that the ledger? May I? Mr. Sprague is only giving thirty dollars?
Mary Ingalls: He's temporarily strapped for funds.
Harriet Oleson: I see... Put the rental down for sixty dollars. The least I can do is contribute twice as much as the town banker.


"Little House on the Prairie: Annabelle (#6.5)" (1979)
Nels Oleson: A ring master is supposed to be loud and funny.
Harriet Oleson: Well, you can be loud. And I heard you be funny once.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Talking Machine (#2.13)" (1976)
Hannibal Godfrey: You know, I bet you'd get pure joy hearing your wife's voice on this here machine.
Harriet Oleson: Nels...
Nels Oleson: The only joy I'd derive from that, Mr. Godfrey, I'm afraid it would be turning it off.


"Little House on the Prairie: Blind Journey: Part 1 (#5.12)" (1978)
Harriet Oleson: Oh for Heaven's Sake, don't you know your Bible? It explicitly says: "Look not upon me because I am black."
Nels Oleson: That's from the Song of Solomon, Harriet. It's supposed to be a love song, not hate propaganda. And the quotation goes on to say "I am black because the sun hath darkened me." And it also says "I am black, but beautiful."
Harriet Oleson: And that only goes to prove that even the Devil can quote the scriptures.
Nels Oleson: I know.
Nellie Oleson: Mother says that colored people are that way because they bare the mark of Cain and so they are never going to get into Heaven. Is that right, Father?
Nels Oleson: Of course not!
Harriet Oleson: Hare dare you contradict me?
Nellie Oleson: She also says that colored people don't have souls because they're not made in the image of God.
Nels Oleson: Oh! Oh, have you actually seen God, Harriet?


"Little House on the Prairie: Oleson vs Oleson (#7.12)" (1981)
Nels Oleson: Furthermore, since I own everything...
Harriet Oleson: You own?
Nels Oleson: I own everything. I expect to be shown a little more respect. I want everything done my way for now on. That is the end of the discussion!
Harriet Oleson: YOUR way?
Nels Oleson: End of discussion! Now, if you'll just go fetch my slippers, I'll sit down and relax in my chair in my living room.


"Little House on the Prairie: There's No Place Like Home: Part 2 (#5.6)" (1978)
Harriet Oleson: Good Heavens, how long is he going to ring that bell?
Charles Ingalls: He wants to make sure everyone in the countryside hears it.
Harriet Oleson: Well, he can ring it long enough to wake the devil...
Nels Oleson: It woke you, dear.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Lord Is My Shepherd: Part 1 (#1.13)" (1974)
[discussing the birth of Caroline Ingalls' fourth child]
Mrs. Oleson: Well, in my case, Nellie and Willie were MORE than enough.
Caroline: In the case of Nellie and Willie, Mrs. Oleson, I'd have to agree with you.


"Little House on the Prairie: Goodbye, Mrs. Wilder (#7.16)" (1981)
Laura Ingalls Wilder: Mrs. Olsen, are you sure that one teacher can handle this schedule?
Harriet Oleson: [laughs] Yes. Yes, of course.
Laura Ingalls Wilder: Good. I wish you luck.
Harriet Oleson: What?
Laura Ingalls Wilder: Because I quit! Ladies and gentlemen, meet your new school teacher.


"Little House on the Prairie: Blind Journey: Part 2 (#5.13)" (1978)
Harriet Oleson: Mr. Kagan, I want you to know that I don't think there is any such thing as a right color or a wrong color for that matter. And I've always been the kind of person who always thought that it's what's inside a person that counts.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Winoka Warriors (#5.3)" (1978)
Harriet Oleson: Winning is fun, Nels. Loosing is exercise.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Wisdom of Solomon (#3.18)" (1977)
Harriet Oleson: I am a member of the school board, Mr. Ingalls, and I want to remind you that no child can attend this school unless is family is a member of this Township.
Charles Ingalls: Oh, I understand that, Mrs. Olsen.
Harriet Oleson: Oh. Well, but the boy said that his family doesn't live here.
Charles Ingalls: Oh, I know he said that, but he was just saying that to make things easier on me.
Harriet Oleson: Oh?
Charles Ingalls: Yeah, you see Solomon is my son by former marriage. I know you'd understand, but a lot of people in this town wouldn't. Good day.


"Little House on the Prairie: Author! Author! (#6.11)" (1979)
Albert Quinn Ingalls: No ma'am, I came back to thank you.
Harriet Oleson: To thank me? For what?
Albert Quinn Ingalls: Well, my Pa's been real busy lately, and he hasn't actually read the book himself. I'm hoping he never finds out what's in it. Bye.
Harriet Oleson: Wait a minute! What do you mean? What's in it?
Albert Quinn Ingalls: Oh, stuff about my Ma. I can't believe that my own grandfather would write such things down for the whole world to see!
Harriet Oleson: Really? Like what?
Albert Quinn Ingalls: I'm too ashamed to repeat them, ma'am.
Harriet Oleson: Oh Albert, you can tell me. After all, your mother and I are old friends! There isn't anything that you could tell me that would change my opinion about her.
Albert Quinn Ingalls: Well, there was this one part where my Ma was in a public place, and she...
Harriet Oleson: What? What did she do?
Albert Quinn Ingalls: She didn't DO anything.
Harriet Oleson: Well...
Albert Quinn Ingalls: She wasn't wearing anything either.
Harriet Oleson: You mean she was...
Albert Quinn Ingalls: Naked.


"Little House on the Prairie: Mortal Mission (#5.23)" (1979)
Harriet Oleson: I just love you so much, Nels Oleson!
Nels Oleson: I know that.
Harriet Oleson: Do you? I don't... Well, I just don't know how you put up with me sometimes.
Nels Oleson: I don't put up with you, Harriet. I love you...


"Little House on the Prairie: Be My Friend (#4.17)" (1978)
Harriet Oleson: It's your responsibility to discipline the boy, now you...
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: Alright, alright. Willie, were you or were you not looking at the corsett ads in the catalogue.


"Little House on the Prairie: The Third Miracle (#6.4)" (1979)
Albert Quinn Ingalls: Mrs. Oleson has got us, Laura. I guess we'll have to sell our hive too.
Laura Ingalls: What? But there's...
Albert Quinn Ingalls: No buts! You can't beat a good business woman like Mrs. Oleson. Ma'am?
Harriet Oleson: Mm hm?
Albert Quinn Ingalls: You've got us over a barrel, so we'll just have to sell you our main hive.
Harriet Oleson: Main hive?
Albert Quinn Ingalls: Yep. We were gonna make a fortune off it, but we need that $57.60. For that price we'll throw in the hive.
Harriet Oleson: Well...
Albert Quinn Ingalls: It produces hundreds of pounds a year. It's breaking my heart to give it up.
Harriet Oleson: Oh... Hundreds of pounds a year. My... Well, that would keep Nellie's restaurant in sweets for... forever! Well, you've got a deal!
Albert Quinn Ingalls: You and Nellie will have to pick the hide up yourselves. Pa said I could use his wagon just this once.
Harriet Oleson: Oh? Well, isn't that kinda dangerous?
Albert Quinn Ingalls: Oh, heck no! They're practically tame. Besides, if you pick them up after sunup, they'll all be takin' their morning naps.


"Little House on the Prairie: Fred (#3.8)" (1976)
Harriet Oleson: [Harriet is covered in mud from head to toe] Laura Ingalls, look at me! Well, this is all your fault!
Eva Beadle: Mrs. Ingalls, what happened?
Harriet Oleson: What happened? Well, I'll tell you what happened! I was viciously attacked by that loathsome monster that this... this... swindling moppet foisted off on my poor Willie!
Laura Ingalls: I didn't swindle Willie, Mrs. Olsen.
Willie Oleson: Did so! How'd she do it, Ma?
Harriet Oleson: A billy goat to make cheese?


"Little House on the Prairie: The Creeper of Walnut Grove (#4.6)" (1977)
Mrs. Oleson: My problem is I got too soft of a heart for my own good!
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: [under his breath] It's as hard as a rock.
Mrs. Oleson: What?
Nelson "Nels" Oleson: I said I've got to check the stock!


"Little House on the Prairie: Back to School: Part 2 (#6.2)" (1979)
Harriet Oleson: Your Laura did this!
Caroline Ingalls: Laura?
Nellie Oleson: She attacked me! Tried to kill me!
Caroline Ingalls: Why?
Nellie Oleson: Because... I saw her and Almanzo Wilder kissing! And I told her I would tell.
Charles Ingalls: You... saw them... kissing?
Nellie Oleson: She's with him now! They rode off in his buckboard!
Charles Ingalls: They... they rode off in a buckboard, huh?
Nellie Oleson: Toward his place!
Charles Ingalls: Jonathan, I need a ride.
Caroline Ingalls: Charles, don't do anything in haste!
Charles Ingalls: Haste? Oh no Caroline, I'm not going to do anything in haste! I'm going to take all the time in the world while I beat Almanzo Wilder within an inch of his life!


"Little House on the Prairie: To See the Light: Part 1 (#7.10)" (1980)
Harriet Oleson: For your information, I'm not fat. I'm large boned!
Percival Isaac Cohen Dalton: Oh?
Harriet Oleson: Yes!
Percival Isaac Cohen Dalton: That would be difficult to determine since your bones are buried so deep beneath the surface.
Harriet Oleson: Nellie, are you going to stand there and let this little thing insult your Mother like that?
Nellie Oleson Dalton: I have to, Mother. He's right.