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: Let me take a picture so I can show the guys in the Bat 'n Ball club just how famous my family really is. Grandpa Munster
: Bat club? Hey, Eddie, you could get into that kind of a club on my name alone! Eddie Munster
: Well, I don't know, Grandpa, they don't take just anybody. Herman Munster
: Eddie, we're just not anybody, son. Grandpa Munster
: That's right, Eddie, your fathers a little bit of everybody and your grandpa has got some of the best blood in Europe flowing through them veins...
: I'll never forget it, that face... there was blood dripping from the fangs. Grandpa Munster
: That's impossible! I've been on the wagon for over a year. Herman Munster
: That's right, you can ask 'em down at the B.S.A. Chief Boyle
: The Boy Scouts of America? Grandpa Munster
: Blood Suckers Annonymous.
: [locked in a jail cell
] Herman, I have slept in just about every closet and coffin in the world, but this place give me crosstophobia!
: You hear that, Herman, hm? The pride of Transylvania treated like a common criminal. Heh, Well, I'll tell ya, that's enough to drive a man to drink! Hm. Oh, what I wouldn't give for a nice Bloody Mary. Or Dorothy or Emily.
: [adressing the Cave Girl Robot
] Excuse me, my dear, could I interest you in a little bite? Herman Munster
: Grandpa, she's only a robot. That woman can not talk. Grandpa Munster
: I know... those are the best kind.
: I don't wanna hear one more word about food until I'm being fed! Grandpa Munster
: [Grandpa sees a great amount of money being passed from one person to another
] Holy Transylvania, look at that lettuce! Herman Munster
: What? Grandpa Munster
: What a load of cabbage! Herman Munster
: Cabbage? Grandpa Munster
: I've never seen so much bread! Herman Munster
: Lettuce, cabbage, bread, Grandpa, you've got a mean streak in you!
: [disguised as a waitress
] Are my seams straight? Grandpa Munster
: [also in disguise
] They are... Unfortunately, your legs are crooked.
: [disguised as a waitress
] We're new here. Slim
: She hasn't been new anywhere in years!
: [trying out his live giving potion on Igor
] Here goes nothing! Herman Munster
: Cross your fingers... Grandpa Munster
: Please. No crosses!
Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: Hi everybody, this is Googie Miller. Googie, this is my mom Googie Miller
: Hi. Lily Munster
: Hello, Googie. Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: ...and this is my cousin Marilyn Googie Miller
: Like Wow! Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: And this is my grandfather... Googie Miller
: Hi. Grandpa
: Hi. eh, What are you staring at, my little man? Googie Miller
: I've never seen a penguin smoking a cigar before
: [stirring a couldron
] Bubble bubble, toil and trouble . Shakespeare, my cornhall!
: What's the matter? Grandpa
: I don't know, the brat won't un-monkey
: Stand back, stand back, I'm gonna use number X-L-438. This is the one that took Abraham Lincoln out of that log cabin, and put him in the white house. Ibbedy Dibbedy, Ibbedy Sassy, Expost facto, Raymond Massey!
: Eddie, You're getting off very easy! Why, back in the old country if I had done something like this, my father would have bitten my head off!
: [after reciting the spell that brought Lincoln fro a log cabin to the white house
] I did it! I did it! It always takes a lot out of me, but it worked!
: [Grandpa's setting up a huge mousetrap at the bottem of the stairs, with the intention of trapping Googie
] What are you doing? Grandpa Munster
: Well, Lilly, he as a handbuzzer. Can't I just play a little harmless practical joke on him? Lily Munster
: Put that away! Grandpa Munster
: I never get to have any fun anymore.
: [after Googie puts nitro in Grandpa's caldron
] Have you seen Grandpa? Eddie Wolfgang Munster
: [Explosion in dungeon and Grandpa goes flying out into the rafters
] Here he comes now! Lily Munster
: What happened to you? Grandpa Munster
: [beaten up and clinging to rafters
] Never mind what happened to me. Wait 'till you see what happens to Googie.
: It's not a funny joke when it's at the expense fo your poor, broken down Grandfather. Grandpa Munster
: [with slight bow
] Thank you Herman.
: Eddie knows I'm lying to him. Grandpa
: He can smell your deceit. You've never raised a werewolf. I have. Herman Munster
: Have you raised one successfully? Grandpa
: My son Leslie was born covered in hair. I knew exactly how to raise him. Herman Munster
: You hired nannies to raise him, and then you let him eat the nannies. Grandpa
: That's what they were hired for. Herman Munster
: I know exactly how to raise Eddie. Grandpa
: You were never a Munster until I made you a Munster. Eddie was born one. There's nothing you have done or can do as a parent that will change that.
: I preferred it when the village was further away and we had a moat. Marilyn Munster
: The best moats are made of good manners and filled with congeniality. Grandpa
: Then I shall make cookies. Marilyn Munster
: I'm touched that you'd miss me. Grandpa
: Marilyn, I adore you. I was the one that talked your mother out of eating you.
: There is an important intermediate step that we are missing here. The deer eats the grass and is itself eaten, and then the thing that ate it dies and fertilizes the ground so more grass can grow, so more deer can eat, and then... be eaten. Marilyn Munster
: But some deer can live long lives. Grandpa
: Nope. Marilyn Munster
: Also, as an intermediary step, sometimes deer want to be eaten. They're depressed and lonely, so that lion's doing the deer a favor. Eddie Munster
: That deer didn't look depressed. Marilyn Munster
: No, I know. I thought I saw it smile. Eddie Munster
: Does anything eat the lion? Marilyn Munster
: Grandpa. Grandpa
: It's nature.
: You ate a lion while naked. Grandpa
: The lion was naked. It seemed polite.
: You have all made me feel so at home. I feel like I'm sitting down having dinner with my own family. Grandpa
: Part of you is.
: Edward, stop playing with your food. Eddie Munster
: I will if you will. Grandpa
: That is a gross cliche, and it is beneath you. Eddie Munster
: [to Steve
] My grandpa's gonna eat you. Marilyn Munster
: Is that happening tonight? Hmm?
: Steve, we will see you at the next Wildlife Explorer meeting. Steve
: Good night. And god bless. Grandpa
] Fat chance. See you later, Steve.
: What will the neighbors think? Grandpa
: The neighbors should be more concerned with what I'm thinking.
: Young man, I think we're just gonna have to suspend some of your privileges. No more standing in the closet, no more sleeping in Spot's cage and from now on every night, you're going to have to go to bed while it's still dark. Grandpa
: Isn't that a little severe, Herman? Why, you're positively inhuman.
] Chow time! Grandpa
: Excuse me, but I have to go feed the clock.
: What is that? Grandpa
: That's Eddie's robot. He made it all by himself. Mr. Taggert
: Nothing but a pile of tin cans. Succotash, Baked Beans, Harvard Beets. Grandpa
: It's amazing what you can do with leftovers.
: What's the matter with him? Lily Munster
: You know how squeamish Herman is. He always faints at the sight of oil.
: Well, that's as much as I can do. Now it's all up to that Big Mechanic in the sky.
: [Eddie's robot has exploded
] I'm sorry Eddie, I've let you down. It's all my fault. Eddie Munster
: What am I gonna do? Herman Munster
: There's nothing to do. I'll just go out and explain. Eddie Munster
: [Eddie tugs his fathers coat
] No dad, that's my job.
] I think our Eddie has just become a man. Grandpa
: And the hard way, not like you, Herman!
: Eddie should go to college, after all, his father was a college man. Lily Munster
: How long were you in the Heidelberg University, dear? Herman Munster
: How long? I was in their medical school for six years... in several different jars. Grandpa
: Yes Lily, your husband was a man of parts!
: Grandpa, don't you know curiousity killed the bat? Grandpa
: But satisfaction brought him back!
: I saw the match on television, I haven't seen such a dive since I was forced down by a vulture over Transylvania!
: This is not just a wrestling match, this is a shining crusade, a contest on the battlefield of life that will lead you a stronger and nobler person. Herman Munster
: Really? Grandpa
: Of course, the next bum comes along, get in there and kick him in the teeth!
: Abracadabra and Asee Dosee, Alakazam and Bela Lugosi!
: Grandpa, what am I going to do? I can't spend the rest of my married life sleeping on the couch and eating poon pits Grandpa
: Herman, if you give in now, she'll have the upper hand forever. Aheh, But, If you hold out, she'll come around. That's the way to handle women! Grandpa
: [Herman eats a prune pit
] What are you doing? Herman Munster
: Well, just in case she doesn't come around, I'm gonna get used to eating prune pits.
: Herman I hate to say it, but I think we're licked. Hm! I'm afraid you just don't have the personality and warmth you used to have. In other words, my boy, in that great furnace known as romance, your pilot light has gone out.
: [after Herman wolfs down his food
] Just like the old country. It does my heart good to see a man wolf his food.
: [after a drunk Herman goes upstairs to a mad Lilly
] In the mood she's in, she's liable to tear him to pieces. Good thing I'm good at jigsaw puzzles. I'd better hit the slab before the trouble starts.
: When Herman and Lilly think their little boy is sick, they'll be so worried, it will bring them back together. Marilyn Munster
: Grandpa, you're a psychologist! Grandpa
: No I'm not, it's a trick I learned from watching old Shirley Temple movies.
: [Herman and Grandpa are browsing an old family album
] Oh look, isn't that Uncle Boris? Grandpa
: [points at a picture of a man standing under a noose
] That's Uncle Boris alright. He was a real swinger.
: [Grandpa and Herman are looking at Herman and Lily's wedding picture
] The date's right here in the corner. 1865... Herman, doesn't that date mean anything to you? Herman Munster
: Let me see. Oh yeah, I've got it, that was the beginning of the war of 1812!
: If they both find out that they're working there, it will spoil it for both of them. Marilyn Munster
: Well, we'll just make a promise not to tell either of them. Grandpa
: Okay, good, and we'll swear it in blood
[raises her arm to take a bite
] Marilyn Munster
: Oh, uh uh, we'll just shake hands. Grandpa
: I'm shaking hands, but I'm thinking blood.
: After you hear what I have to say, your marriage will be peaches and cream again. Herman Munster
: I hate peaches. Lily Munster
: I hate cream!
: Isn't that neat? Grandpa
: Isn't that touching? Marilyn Munster
: Isn't that romantic? The Raven
: Isn't that sickening?
: [opening a birthday present
] What an unusual wallet! Grandpa
: That's imported tarantula skin!
: Who, well, where's Marilyn? Lily Munster
: She went out with Roger Davis. It's the fourth straight date! Herman Munster
: Oh, sounds serious. Last time she was out four nights in a row, she had a job walking the neighbor's dog.
: Grandpa? Grandpa
: Yes pal? Eddie Munster
: In 1623, after Duke Ferdinand Fregosi put a curse on it, what did he do with the ring? Grandpa
: Threw it out the window. Eddie Munster
: And you found it? Grandpa
: It changed hands until 1888 and then I won it from Jack the Ripper in a poker game. Marilyn Munster
: Well, did you know it had a curse on it? Grandpa
: No, not until I tried to sell it in Transylvania. Nobody would even give me a grubnitz for it!
: Werewolf Junction, Transylvania information, may I help you? Grandpa
: My name is Count Dracula, I wish to lo... Telephone Operator
: Count Dracula? The original Count Dracula? Grandpa
: You've heard of me? Telephone Operator
: Oh! I've heard your praises sung ever since my childhood, you once bit my grandmother!
: Have you ever put a curse on the whole automobile? Henry J. Fregosi
: Only once. I assume you've heard of the Edsel?
: [huge thump
] Herman's home.
] Grandpa Munster
: Lilly, either hang those pans up or have them tuned!
: [huge thump, pans fall down and make a musical sound, he smiles
] You had them tuned!
: I haven't had so much fun since I started the French Revolution!
: What'll we do? We'll do what men have done for centuries: we'll stand firm and defend out homes. We'll man the battlements, flood the moat and pull in the drawbridge. Marilyn Munster
: But Grandpa, we don't have any battlements, or any moat. Grandpa Munster
: Marilyn, will ya please. Don't be so technical! I haven't had so much fun since I started the French revolution.
: Grandpa, I wonder how Herman's making out with Eddie. He's upstairs now, trying to calm him down. Marilyn Munster
: Well I had no idea he'd be so upset about moving and leaving his friends. Grandpa Munster
: I know how it is. In the old country I was always getting attached to my friends and neighbors. Especially at night.
: Uncle Cavanaugh? I didn't know there were any English Munsters. Grandpa Munster
: Marilyn dear, no matter where you go in the world, you can always dig up one of our relatives.
: Herman, I must ask Freddie where he gets his slime. It looks imported.
: Listen, buster, this is modern day England, you can't get away with knocking off Herman! Freddie Munster
: But that's what makes the whole thing so delightful, we can!
: [Lily and Grandpa are 'borrowing' a couple of horses
] Grandpa, what if we get caught? Grandpa Munster
: Listen, it won't be the first time I was hanged as a horse thief.
: [taking a bite from a sword
] Now that's how to cook a sword!
: Now Grandpa, what do you mean, you don't know? Are you sure you don't have a wife in Sioux city? Grandpa
: Well, I'm pretty sure, you know after all I've been married quite a few times, and, a man 378 years old does have a tendency to outlive a wife or two.
: Boy, some women will to any lengths to snare a handsome rascal.
: You come right on in and let me poor you a nice glass of champagne. Grandpa
] Er, thank you, but you see, we Dracula's don't drink wine.
: Grandpa, you are the greatest! Grandpa
: Son in law, that's the first thing you've said in years that I agree with.
: [Grandpa is reading the paper
] Hi, Grandpa, How are you old chum, old pall, old buddy, old friend? Grandpa
: All right Herman, you don't have to lay it on, you can have the comics.
: [reading aloud a letter
] Dear Mrs. Munster, I wanna thank you all for sending me to live with uncle Garret and aunt Mina on their lovely ranch in Death Valley. I'm looking forward to visiting Eddie and all of you on vacations. Signed, your loving robot, Boris. Isn't that a sweet letter? Grandpa
: Yeah, you know, he writes pretty good for a kid I slapped together in a couple of hours.
: [Grandpa turns on a the radio he made out of old tubes from the dungeon
] We interrupt this programme to bring you a news bulletin. The city of Rome, burned last night. Emperor Nero was unavailable for comment. It was rumored he was fiddling at the time. Unidentified sources close to the emperor... Grandpa
: [Grandpa turns it off
] There. Boy, those tubes are old. I'll turn it on later. Find out who won the daily double on the chariot races.
: Eddie, how bout you go to find Marilyn, and then the three of us will have a checker tournament! Eddie Munster
: Oh, Marilyn went out with her new boyfriend, and I have to go play with one of the neighbor kids. Grandpa
: Which one? Eddie Munster
: I don't know, I haven't caught him yet!
: My, you're in a good mood this morning. Grandpa
: Marilyn, what would you say if I told you I was going to cast my line into the sea of matrimony and catch a new grandmother for you?
: When is anyone gonna pay attention to a poor old man? Raven in the cuckoo clock
] Nevermore! Nevermore!
: The policemen say that... that Lydia was trying to kill me? Marilyn Munster
: I'm sorry, Grandpa, but she was the notorious Black Widow Herman Munster
: You see? I told ya, you can't be too careful. When you think of some of the people running around loose in the world today... it's frightening!
: What do you think, Grandpa? Will it be a boy or a girl? Grandpa
: [Herman is talking to Dr. Dudley who has misplaced his glaces and is unaware of Grandpa's presence
] Eh, doctor, could you answer a question? Dr. Edward Dudley
: Well how do you like that, when I don't have my glasses on I hear double. Herman Munster
: Eh, no, no, this is Grandpa. Dr. Edward Dudley
: [slowly turns his head and tries to size up grandpa with his poor eyesight
] Oh. Looks rather like a tall penguin, doesn't he?
: Eddie, my boy, I want you to be a witness to my degradation. Cause someday you'll got creatures of your own; you'll know what to expect.
: Why don't you go to your room? Grandpa Munster
: Why should I? Any place I hang myself is home.
: Well, there he is, my son in law, the 150 year old teenage punk.
: Well, aren't you gonna wish me luck, Grandpa? Grandpa
: [Grandpa waves his hand a little
] Drop dead!
: [reading the paper
] Hmm, listen to this! It says, in the next three game series, the Yankees will be out for blood. I tell ya that's a lot more fun than playing baseball!
: [admiring the Drag-u-la
] Those organ pipes are a very nice exhaust. Grandpa
: I'll have you know, Herman, that this is the only dragster in America that can play 'Oh, promise me' in second gear.
: Now, are there any questions? Grandpa
: Eh, yes, there is one. Eh, why do we need a master plan to go to a drive-in movie? Lily Munster
: Grandpa, Herman has a very mechanical brain. In fact, I believe it once used to belong to an old mechanic.
: The last time you hypnoticed me, I woke up in the morning and my wallet was gone. Grandpa
: Herman, that was just a coincidence.
: Shucks, why do I always wake up in the middle of a perfect nightmare?
: Boy, wait till I tell all the kids at school that my very own grandfather was a jailbird. Grandpa
: Not a jailbird, a jailbat!
: Oh Marilyn! Oh my! Those circles under you're eyes! How lovely you look today. Marilyn Munster
: Well, I wish I felt as well as a look. I just haven't been able to sleep for the last two nights. Grandpa
: Have you tried hanging from the rafters with your head down, like I do? Marilyn Munster
: I'd like to, Grandpa, but I just don't seem to have the toes for it.
: [to Herman
] Boy, if Louis Pasteur had had you looking over his shoulders, I'm sure he never would have invented rabies.
: [startled by Marilyn
] Oh Marilyn, don't ever do that! You'll scare me right out of my skin. And you know how hard it is to get back into it.
: Mr. Prince, I have to be frank with you. Poor Marilyn is, well, to put it bluntly, less attractive than the rest of the family. Herman Munster
: You might say she's the 'ugly duckling'. Dick Prince
: And you want me to kiss her? Grandpa
: Well, you can close your eyes.
: Listen you two, I am against promoting romance, It will lead to no good. Grandpa
: We don't want it to lead to any good, we want it to lead to marriage.
: Shades of Tristan and Isolde, shoot me a lovebeam, straight from the shoulder!
: I haven't been to a wedding since I married my 140th wife.
: Don't let time or space detain ya, here you go, to Transylvania.
: [on the phone
] Hello. What? Germany calling? Yes, this Herman Munster. Who? Dr. Frankenstein? Grandpa
: Dr. Frankenstein? He's been dead since 1832. But take the call anyway.
: [on television
] And that concludes another episode of 'Life can be Wonderful'. Grandpa
: Eh! Two divorces, a broken home, a bus accident and three suicides. Nothing interesting ever happens on that show any more!
: [Lily has locked herself in a closet
] Lily, you come out of there! Grandpa
: Lily, please, open up! Dr. Victor Frankenstein IV
: Do come out, madam, this is Johann's closet!
: Grandpa, I just had a terrible thought. Do you think Dr. Frankenstein could have gotten mixed up? I mean, taken Herman and left me Johann? Grandpa
: Of course not, Lily. Heheh. Anyway, if you ask me, there's not enough difference to worry about.
: [about Uncle Herman's amnesia
] Maybe he can get another hit on the head? That cures amnesia in the movies. Grandpa
: Say, that's a good idea. I'll go down and get a sledgehammer.
: I thought you were coming as Rock Hudson? You look like Rudolph Valentino. Grandpa
: Musta have gotten a hold of some old pills. Well, at least I'm still in the 20th century.
: [Herman has amnesia and has been legally adopted by Lily
] Oh mommy? Lily Munster
: Yes? Herman Munster
: I just remembered Lily Munster
] You did? Herman Munster
: I remember I keep forgetting to ask you what happened to your husband? Lily Munster
: Well, he... he... Grandpa
: Well, he, he's no longer with us. Lily Munster
: Oh, that's too bad. I sure would like a poppa. Even Captain Midnight has a poppa. Lily Munster
: We hope he may come back someday Lily Munster
: I certainly hope so. But if he doesn't, I'm sure a keen looking chick like you will have no trouble finding a new one.
: Come on, Grandpa, let's find a spot where I can burry you in the sand. Grandpa
: Okay Eddie, but this time, bury me deep. I don't want any crazy dogs digging me up like last time.
: How could a grown man go out for a harmless little swim and wind up being captured by the Russians as a spy? Grandpa
: I'll admit it's difficult, but in all the world, only my son is law has the talent to do anything that stupid.
: Is the hamper all packed, Aunt Lily? Lily Munster
: Yes, yes, oh, I've even brought a jar of ants. Grandpa
: Good idea. Lily Munster
: Yes, it would be just our luck to get there and have none of the little dears show up and spoil our picnic.
: Grandpa, how about you? Would you like to take me to the movies? Grandpa
: Movies? What's playing? Lily Munster
: 'The Killer Werewolf' and 'Vampires of Blood Alley'. Grandpa
: Lily, I go to the movies for escapism. I don't wanna see every day people doing every day things.
: Boy, I ain't kidding, there must be a lot of hanky panky goes on in that business!
[Grandpa and Herman laugh heartily
] Herman Munster
: I just remembered. The hanky they'll be playing panky with is my wife!
: [Grandpa hands Herman a 'Texas Playboy' pill
] Why are the Texas pills so big? Grandpa
: Well, only one eight is chemical, the rest is balloney.
: This lump of clay is Marylin's new project for art class. She has to sculpt something out of it. Marilyn Munster
: Oh, maybe I could do a bust of a classical greek. Like Apollo, or Achilles, or... Grandpa
: Seymour. Lily Munster
: Who's Seymour? Grandpa
: Who's Seymour? Seymour Akkalacsis, he was a famous greek taxidermist back in Transylvania. He used to stuff all the guys mother in laws for free room and board.
: Herman, I've never been so seasick before on dry land.
: I mailed his picture into the contest after the deadline. Lily Munster
: I don't understand, he's supposed to be meeting with the commity now. I wonder who he is talking with? The last time he met with strangers, they sold him the Vic Tanny franchise for Greenland. Grandpa
: Don't worry about it, Herman has a good head on his shoulders. Nothing in it, but he's got a good head on his shoulders.
: [reading his lost-and-found ad
] Lost: family pet. Green with yellow scales. Friendly. Affectionate. answers to the name 'Spotty'. Breathes Fire when hungry. Has battleaxe scar on left shoulder.
: Gee, I don't know, grandpa. I haven't been down in the sewer in a hundred years. Grandpa
: Believe me, they haven't changed.
: [hangs up the phone
] Oh, deary me. Grandpa
: What's the matter, Lily? Lily Munster
: The mayor's planning to blow up Herman in about ten minutes!
: Where is the, eh, poor innocent victim? Marilyn Munster
: Uncle Herman came home a couple of minutes ago. took one look at that telegram, the green completely drained out of his face, he ran up to his room and hid in the closet.
] Problems, problems, problems. Sometimes I wish I were back in the old country, where my biggest worry was who to put the bite on for three square meals a day.
: [reading Herman's goodbye note
] Goodbye forever. I can never raise 20.000 dollars, so I'm doing the noble thing by running away like a rotten coward. Lily Munster
: P.S. If someday my miserable bones are washed up on a desert island, do not bother to send for them, as they won't be worth the parcel post charges. Signed Herman Munster, ratfink.
: I wish she'd get married. We could use some fresh blood in this family.
: Well, If you don't do something about her soon, we'll have her on our hands forever. Lily Munster
: I have to do something about it? Why always me? Herman Munster
: It's enough I have to go out and scare up the rent every day. Lily Munster
: You think you're the only one who works hard? How would you like to have to clean nine rooms and a dungeon every day? Grandpa
: Will you stop the arguing? There's enough noise in here to wake the living.
: Now if this stuff turns out half as good as the batch I made for Elizabeth Taylor... Marilyn will be irresistible!
: Don't worry Lily, why, when I was younger in the old country, I was always disappearing in the middle of the night. 'Course that was before I got rheumatism in my wings.
: Grandpa, how old is Herman, I keep forgetting? Grandpa
: Well, they started working on 'em right after the war of 1812. They ran into a... shortage of parts at the medical school... I'd say they sewed up the job around 1850.
: Now, Lily, don't get upset until you've seen him. After all, you know that the police have been mistaken about Herman before. Lily Munster
: I suppose you're right, Grandpa. Last time he fell asleep in the park, we had to pick him up at the mortuary.
: There it is, Marilyn. Now don't try to hide anything. You know in this family, nothing ever stays burried.
: Dancing has never been of my strong points. I guess you could say I have two left feet. Grandpa
: That's what happens when they put someone together in the dark.
: Oh boy! He's got his head in the harp again! The Raven
: Agh! What a crack up. Herman Munster
: Eh, watch the face, I'm gonna be a star!
: [Grandpa, Herman and Eddie are out fishing
] Golly, I haven't had a bite since we got here. Grandpa
: Patience, Eddie, patience. Eddie Munster
: But gee, wouldn't it be better if we fished in a stream with water? Herman Munster
: Eddie, anyone can fish in a stream with water in it. This is a challenge. The kind of challenge the youth of today is so badly in need off.
] Some daughters marry doctors, some daughters marry dentists, you had to marry Henny Youngman.
: Don't you just love to watch a fire? Grandpa
: Lily, I've seen Chicago, San Francisco and the burning of Rome. You've seen one, you've seen them all.
: You are going to sing? Herman Munster
: That's right. And why not? After all, as they used to say: Herman Munster has the finest set of pipes in Transylvania. Grandpa
: Herman, they were talking about your circulatory system, not your singing! Herman Munster
: Very funny.
: I'm gonna break a long standing American tradition. I'm gonna be nice to my son in law. Lily Munster
: How kind and noble you've become since you started reading Mary Worth.
: [unimpressed with Herman's performance
] The last time I saw a ham that big, it was in a butcher's window.
: What's new in the paper, Grandpa? Grandpa
: Oh, nothing much. Hey, the New York Museum is sending some archeologists to Transylvania. Lily Munster
: Hm, well I hope they don't dig up anyone we know.
: [noticing the title of the book Herman is carrying
] The Method Actor? Herman Munster
: One must dig deep to come up with the perfect character. Grandpa
: You're telling me! That's how I found my first ten wives!
: Herman, you had us so worried, one of these days you'll put us all in an early grave. Grandpa
: Isn't that just like Lily, always looking at the bright side of things.
: [Grandpa and Herman are arguing
] Oh stop it you two! You'll wake the dead again! Grandpa
: That's right Lily, go right ahead, take his side. But I know what's going on, you just can't wait to see me in my grave. Lily Munster
: Oh Grandpa, we've seen you there lots of times before.
: The next time you see me around this place, I won't be here!
: You see Eddie, in the great poker game of life, it's time Grandpa cashed in his chips.
: There goes a fine husband. Marilyn Munster
: There goes a fine father. Grandpa
: There goes a nut if I've ever seen one.
: So far Herman has had him praticing at three events this morning, and he's gotten worse at each one.
: [to Igor the Bat
] Quiet, stupid, you're not a bird. You're a mouse, who joined the Transylvania Air Corps.
: You know herman, I didn't realize Lily had that much money in her bank account? Herman Munster
: I know. As the hipsters say: that's quite a bag full of bread.
: Grandpa listen, somebody's working on the door. Grandpa
: It sounds like a big drill. we're being rescued!
] Herman Munster
: A drill? Who wants to be rescued by a dentist?
: I'd rather make a withdrawel from the blood bank.
: [about the mysterious ticking package
] It's probably from Uncle Boris. You know, he and Rasputin always used to exchange bombs at Christmas time.
: [pointing at Grandpa
] He's the man who did it. There's your man, right there. I was just a poor, dumb tool in the hands of this Svengali. Grandpa
: I say! Herman Munster
: [solemnly holds up his hand
] I have never seen this man before in my life!
: When I turn it on now, You'll have more hair on your head than the barbershop floor. Herman Munster
: Yeah? Grandpa
: [handling the paper
] Let's see. To pick a loser... Grandpa
: Herman. Why don't you let Lily pick one for you? She picked a loser when she married you.
: You mean to say that Herman couldn't pick a winner on his own? Grandpa
: Lily, he couldn't pick a jack rabbit out of a herd of turtles.
: [pointing out the headlines
] Eddie, you see there: Bookraking Ring smashed. Courageous citizen spills beans on mob. Herman Munster
: And It just so happens I was the courageous citizen who spilled his beans.
: Marilyn, I ask you, am I too fat? Marilyn Munster
: Well... Herman Munster
: Never mind! Grandpa
: What are you yelling at Marilyn for, I mean don't you know that fat men are supposed to be jolly?
: [after exanining an unconsious Herman
] I hate to say this, but, eh, you called me a little too late. There's nothing more I can do. Lily Munster
: What do you mean? This is just a fainting spell, he's had these before. Grandpa
: Well, about eight or nine times in the last one hundred years!
: That doctor is ill. He shouldn't be allowed around sick people!
: Look Herman, take my advice: don't try to be noble, just learn to mind you're own business. That's just what I've been doing ever since I told that Napoleon fellow to take that short cut through Waterloo.
: I got it in here somewhere, let me see, what do we have here? Heh. Oh, a rabbit's foot carried by General Custer. Oh, Mother's day card from Lizzie Borden. Compas off the Titanic. Ah! Here it is!
[cackles with glee
: My radio direction finder. Herman Munster
: Direction finder? Grandpa, that's just an old fashioned divining rod! Grandpa
: True, true, heh, but I had it transistorized last month!
[dials show that the direction finder can be set to find Water, Girls, Metal and Flying Objects
: I once heard that this house was built on top of an old fort. And this must have been the dungeon for prisoners. Hm!
: Are you calling me a freeloader? Herman Munster
: No. I'm calling you a bum. Grandpa
: If you call me a bum I'll throw you down and walk all over you! Herman Munster
: You do, and I'll get you for trespassing!
: You're a hard luck guy. If you found the pot of gold at the end of the rainbow, there'd be a tax collector sitting on the lid.
: What I want to know is, what's Herman been doing this past week after he left the house every morning? Grandpa
: He's been out looking for work. He's had five jobs in five days. You can't ask for a better record than that, he's a perfect failure!
: The last time I tried to sleep in a place this small, some guy shoveled dirt in my face.
: Gee, Grandpa, what are we gonna do if pop's disappeared for good, and we never find him at all? Grandpa
: What are we gonna do? We'll just send his return trip ticket for a cash refund, that's all.
: Herman, what's the matter? Are you afraid of your own shadow? Herman Munster
: No I'm not! I've seen it lotsa times. It hardly scares me at all. Any more.
: Oh dear, I just feel as though it's all my fault. Grandpa
: Now Marilyn, don't blame yourself. Your uncle Herman is a born loser. Lily Munster
: Grandpa, you know that Herman is a kind, trusting soul, with a great faith in his fellow human being. Grandpa
: You know a better way to be a loser?
: They didn't invite me? Well, I've never been so insulted since the day I died.
: Ah, Mrs. Daly, you make a lovely Juliette.
: You remind me of one of my wifes. Mrs. Agnes Daly
: Really? Grandpa
: I had a hundred and sixty seven of them. Mrs. Agnes Daly
[more polite laughter
: But of course they're all dead now. Mrs. Agnes Daly
: How you must miss them. Grandpa
: Oh no, I visit them very often. Mrs. Agnes Daly
: [stops laughing
] Excuse me.
[makes an exit
: Hmm, what smells so good? Herman Munster
: [quite grumpy
] I cut myself shaving.
: Charlie Munster is a scoundrel and a con-artist from way back. Why, the doctor who put him together didn't have an honest bone in his whole laboratory. Grandpa
: Oh, Herman, you're just jealous. Why, having Charlie here in the house is like a breath of fresh earth.
: And what is this, Tijuana phone book? Herman Munster
: No, this is my Twenty Easy Lessons. See, here's a chapter on how to follow men, see... here's a chapter on how to follow women... and here's a chapter on how to follow men disguised as women.
: I saw this add in a magazine at Mrs. Andrews house for something where I can't fail. Grandpa
: What is? Herman Munster
: I'm gonna study hairdressing in my own time and make a fortune with my own beauty parlor!
: Hello dear.
[kisses Herman on the cheek
: [thinking Lily is cheating on Herman
] Can you spare it?
: This may lead to bloodshed. Grandpa
: Oh, Herman, this is not time to be looking at the bright side!
: My father and I were very close. And he used to give me such wonderful advice. I remember one day he said to me: son, as you go through life, always bury your mistakes. Lily Munster
: Bury your mistakes? Grandpa
: Yes, you see, my father never believed in divorce.
: I have a business propostion for Mr. Munster, and I wonder if, eh, I could talk to you alone? Herman Munster
: Eh, eh, certainly. Would you excuse us? Lily Munster
: Of course, dear. Grandpa
: In case you need me, Herman, just give me a howl. Marilyn Munster
: [Lily, Marilyn and Grandpa move off
] I wonder what the business propostion is, Aunt Lily. Lily Munster
: I don't know, but the last time a man talked to Herman alone, he wound up buying a second hand Edsel!
: Don't you have any brave pills I can take? Grandpa
: I made these in the middle ages for Richard the Lion hearted. Herman Munster
: Did they work? Grandpa
: Did they work? I'll have you know that before he took these, he was known as Chicken Dickie. Herman Munster
: Shall I take some of these? Grandpa
: No, no, no, no, eh, it says they're good only if you're going on a crusade, and, eh, I don't think you wanna take that much time off from work.
: Grandpa, have you found anything yet to make me brave? When I think of riding a bucking bronco, I'm petrified! Grandpa
: What are you knocking? Some of my best friends of petrified.
: It just so happens that right now I am working on a fabulous invention that will make this family some big money! Lily Munster
: What kind of invention? Grandpa
: I'm not talking. Why, that's the way Eddison got the electric light away from me.
: Why, with this machine, I could make Rhode Island the size of Texas. We'll make millions, and I'll make them bigger! I could even make the world's biggest Mickey Rooney!
] Grandpa, chow time! Grandpa
: [shouts back over the noise of his machinery
] Just start without me. I'm inventing a machine that's going to achieve on world peace! Lily Munster
: We're having broiled shark and tossed centipede salad. Grandpa
: [to himself
] Well, the world waited this long, it can wait a bit longer.
: Look what I found, tucked a way in my files: Herman Munster
: What is it, plans for a condominium in Transylvania? Grandpa
: No, It's your original blueprint! Lily Munster
: The original? Grandpa
: Correct! Lily Munster
: The one they followed when they, when they put him together? Herman Munster
: How did you get it? Grandpa
: [reading the inscription
] To our favorite Count Dracula, a souvenir from Dr. Frankenstein and all the guys and galls. Lily Munster
: Isn't that sweet.
: Honored? Why, it's an insult to the family name to be called 'average' I happen to be a genuine Count, with the blood of Princes and Dukes flowing in my veins!
: Grandpa, when those reporters show up, I insist you be here. Grandpa
: I won't, I won't, I won't! If you make me, I'll turn into a bone and burry myself in the backyard!
: Good evening, all. Did I overhear my sweet little offshoot contemplating homicide? Grandpa
: A bully was picking on Eddie at school. Eddie just wants to massacre him.
: Eddie, you should always listen to your father, because under that sweet, boyish countenance, he has the wisdom and understanding of an Art Linkletter. Grandpa
: [rolling his eyes
] Oh boy!
: Now what do we have here? Poisoned apples, poisoned banana's, poisoned pineapples, poisoned fruit salad. Poisons? Poisons? For what are you showing me poisons? Potions I said, potions! I mean don't you understand English?
: Aha, here it is: The Loveable Potion. If thou wouldst inspire devotion, slake thy thirst with this rare potion. To have the lover of thy choosing, shake the bottle well, 'ere using. Shake the bottle well? Oh, I shudder to think what would happen if this fell into unscupulous hands.
: [Herman's having a temper tantrum and stoming through living room floor
] Excuse me Lilly, while I finish this conversation with Herman in the dungeon.
: The Munsters, mind you, the entire family, has won a membership to the Mockingbird Hights Country Club
[the entire family cheers
] Lily Munster
: Oh Herman, oh, that club is so exclusive! Why, you know, you have to wait for one of the members to pass away before you can even be considered for membership. Herman Munster
: I know, that's what's so wonderful. Once we're in, we can stay forever. Grandpa Munster
: As far as I can recall, no member of my family ever passed away for good.
: How long have you been taking home movies, Grandpa? Grandpa
: All my life. As a matter of fact, I was taking movies 300 years before the camera was invented. Eddie Munster
: That must have been hard! Grandpa
: Of course it was. And I'll tell you something else: there wasn't even a drugstore to develop the film.
: So eh, Eddie, I said to Queen Isabella, why not give this Columbus cat the jewels? I mean, after all, they're not doing anybody any good lying around in the top drawer, and besides, he might pick a cruise and find something good!
: What would the neigbors say if they saw a bunch of strange looking people living in our home?
: Alright, explain it to me, Grandpa, Lily's not here, but she circled Clyde's adress in the phonebook. Grandpa
: Now why would she do that? Herman Munster
: Don't you get it? Clyde told me he met a girl on a bus. Right? Grandpa
: Right. Herman Munster
: Clyde never told me the name of the girl he met on the bus. Right? Grandpa
: Right. Herman Munster
: Every day, Lily takes the bus to go shopping. Right? Grandpa
: Right. Herman Munster
: And Lily acts very funny every time I mention the name of Clyde! Grandpa
: Hmmm. Herman Munster
: So, fears to witt and ergo, the girl on the bus is Lily, and I have been helping sly old Clyde romance her with my letters!
: Your eyes are alright. Probably as good as the day they were put in.
: How are you gonna get the frog to drink the potion out of that glass? Grandpa
: Oh, my boy, that's very simple. You see, I'll change the potion into a fly. And then I'll get the stupid frog to eat the fly.
: [to Herman
] If Tony Curtis looked like you, there'd be no stopping him.
: [about Herman
] You know Eddie, I love him. But there are times I'd like to bite him right in the throat.
: Herman, I think it's about time you had a little father and son talk with Eddie here. You know, about the bats and the bees...
: Are you sure that silly sleeping pill of yours will wake him up at ten tonight? Grandpa
: Hm. Sure I'm sure! I'll bet one of my lives on it.
: [flipping through a book of potions
] Here, potions for the fine arts, such as painting, sculpture, music and bowling.
: What are they talking about? Why shouldn't we go down there and see him? I mean do they think that a man of my background is going to faint at the sight of blood?
: Eddie, my boy, I want you to be a witness to my degradation here. Now someday, you'll have creatures of your own, you'll know what to expect.
: What good is crying over spilled blood?
] Turn up the rectifier to 9.000 volts! Marilyn Munster
: Rectifier to 9.000. Grandpa
: Eh, good. Now, now switch the oscillator from negative to positive! Marilyn Munster
: Switch the oscillator... Grandpa? Grandpa
: Yes? Marilyn Munster
: I don't mean to seem nosey, but what's the purpose of this machine?
] I'm a mad genius! A mad genius! Today, Mockingbird Heights...
[throws his switch three times
: ... tomorrow the world!
[his index finger ignites
: [clutching his heart and wincing
] Herman! Herman please! I asked you never to pound stakes when I'm around. You know it gives me heartburn!