Inspector Lestrade
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Quotes for
Inspector Lestrade (Character)
from A Study in Scarlet (1933)

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"Sherlock: The Abominable Bride (#4.0)" (2016)
DI Lestrade: Mrs. Hudson didn't seem to be talking.
Sherlock Holmes: I fear she has branched into literary criticism by mean of satire. It is a distressing trend in the modern landlady.

Mary Morstan: I'm part of a campaign, you know.
DI Lestrade: Huh? Campaign?
Mary Morstan: Votes for women.
DI Lestrade: And you, are you for or against?
Mary Morstan: Get out.

DI Lestrade: I thought you understood everything.
Sherlock Holmes: Of course not. That would be an appalling waste of brain space. I specialize.

DI Lestrade: [after a failed attempt by Sherlock to catch a murderer] You really mustn't blame yourself, you know.
Sherlock Holmes: No, you're quite right.
Dr. John Watson: I'm glad you're seeing sense.
Sherlock Holmes: Watson is equally culpable. Between us, we've managed to botch this whole case.

DI Lestrade: [talking about Sherlock] He said, "There's only one suspect," and then he just walks away and now he won't explain.
Mrs. Hudson: Which is strange, because he likes that bit.
DI Lestrade: Said it's so simple I could solve it.
Mrs. Hudson: I'm sure he was exaggerating.

Dr. John Watson: Holmes, could it have been twins?
Sherlock Holmes: No.
Dr. John Watson: Why not?
Sherlock Holmes: Because it's never twins.
DI Lestrade: Emilia was not a twin, nor did she have any sisters. She had one older brother who died four years ago.
Dr. John Watson: Mm-m-m-m. Maybe it was a secret twin.
Sherlock Holmes: A WHAT?
Dr. John Watson: A secret twin? Mm? You know? A twin that nobody knows about? This whole thing could have been planned.
Sherlock Holmes: Since the moment of conception? How breathtakingly prescient of her. It is never twins, Watson!

[Sherlock has been sitting on the floor not moving for two days]
DI Lestrade: What's he doing, do you think?
Mrs. Hudson: He says he's waiting.
DI Lestrade: For what?
Mrs. Hudson: The devil. I wouldn't be surprised. We get all sorts here.

DI Lestrade: There's still reporters outside.
Mrs. Hudson: They've been there all the time. I can't get rid of them. I've been rushed off my feet making tea.
DI Lestrade: Why do you make them tea?
Mrs. Hudson: I don't know. I just sort of do.

"Sherlock: A Study in Pink (#1.1)" (2010)
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up.
DI Lestrade: I didn't say anything.
Sherlock Holmes: You were thinking. It's annoying.

Sherlock Holmes: You can't just break into my flat.
DI Lestrade: And you can't withhold evidence. And I didn't break into your flat.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, what do you call this then?
DI Lestrade: It's a drugs bust.
Dr John Watson: Seriously. This guy, a junkie? Have you met him?
Sherlock Holmes: John.
Dr John Watson: I'm pretty sure you could search this flat all day, and you wouldn't find anything you could call recreational.
Sherlock Holmes: John, you probably want to shut up now.
Dr John Watson: Yeah, but come on.
Dr John Watson: No...
Sherlock Holmes: What?
Dr John Watson: You?
Sherlock Holmes: Shut up!
[to Lestrade]
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not your sniffer dog.
DI Lestrade: No, Anderson's my sniffer dog.
Sherlock Holmes: What, A... Anderson, what are you doing here on a drugs bust?
Anderson: Oh, I volunteered.
DI Lestrade: They all did. They're not strictly speaking *on* the drug squad, but they're very keen.
Sgt Sally Donovan: [holding up a jar] Are these human eyes?
Sherlock Holmes: Put those back.
Sgt Sally Donovan: But they were in the microwave.
Sherlock Holmes: It's an experiment.

Sherlock Holmes: Serial killers, always hard... You have to wait for them to make a mistake.
DI Lestrade: We can't just wait!
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, we're done waiting. Look at her, really look! Houston, we have a mistake. Get on to Cardiff. Find out who Jennifer Wilson's family and friends were. Find Rachel!
DI Lestrade: Of course, yeah, but *what mistake*?
Sherlock Holmes: *Pink*!

Sherlock Holmes: Why have I got this blanket? The-They keep putting this blanket on me.
DI Lestrade: Yeah, it's for shock.
Sherlock Holmes: I'm not in shock.
DI Lestrade: Yeah, but some of the guys want to take photographs.

Sherlock Holmes: So, the shooter, no sign?
DI Lestrade: Cleared off before we got here. But a guy like that would have had enemies, I suppose. One of them could've been following him, but... got nothing to go on.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, I wouldn't say that.
DI Lestrade: Okay. Give me.
Sherlock Holmes: The bullet they just dug out of the wall's from a handgun. A kill shot over that distance, from that kind of a weapon, that's a crack shot you're looking for. But not just a marksman, a fighter. His hands couldn't have shaken at all, so clearly he's acclimatised to violence. He didn't fire until I was in immediate danger, though, so strong moral principle. You're looking for a man probably with a history of military service and...
[spots John]
Sherlock Holmes: ...nerves of steel...
Sherlock Holmes: Actually, do you know what? Ignore me.
DI Lestrade: Sorry?
Sherlock Holmes: Ignore all of that. It's just the, er... the shock talking.
DI Lestrade: Where are you going?
Sherlock Holmes: I just need to... talk about the-the rent.
DI Lestrade: I've still got questions...
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, what now? I-I'm in shock, look, I've got a blanket.

Sgt Sally Donovan: [after Sherlock has disrupted their press conference on the serial suicides by sending the text message "WRONG!" to every single reporter's cell phone] You've got to stop him doing that. He's making us look like idiots.
DI Lestrade: If you can tell me *how* he does it, I'll stop him.

Sherlock Holmes: [about the victim] She's been married for at least ten years, but not happily. She's had a string of lovers, but none of them knew she was married.
DI Lestrade: Oh, for God's sake, if you're just making this up...!
Sherlock Holmes: Her wedding ring, ten years old at least. The rest of her jewelry's been regularly cleaned but not her wedding ring. State of her marriage, right there. The inside of the ring is shinier than the outside; that means it's regularly removed. The only polishing she gets is when she works it off her finger. It's not for work, look at her nails. She doesn't work with her hands; so, what, or rather who, DOES she remove her rings for? Clearly not one lover - she'd never sustain the fiction of being single over that amount of time - so more likely a string of them. Simple.
Dr John Watson: That's brilliant!
[everyone looks at him]
Dr John Watson: Sorry.

Dr John Watson: So, why do you put up with him?
DI Lestrade: Because I'm desperate, that's why. And because Sherlock Holmes is a great man, and I think one day, if we're very, very lucky, he might even be a good one.

Sherlock Holmes (2009)
Inspector Lestrade: You know, in another life, you'd have made an excellent criminal.
Sherlock Holmes: Yes, and you, sir, an excellent policeman.

[Lestrade brings Holmes, handcuffed, before the Home Secretary, Lord Coward]
Inspector Lestrade: Excuse me, my lord. I know it's unorthodox, but Mr. Holmes here has been making some serious accusations about you...
[Lestrade lifts his lapel, showing a membership pin from the Temple of the Four Orders]
Inspector Lestrade: ...and the Order, sir.
Lord Coward: I see.
Sherlock Holmes: Well, at least that solves the great mystery of how you became Inspector.
[Lestrade turns and punches Holmes in the stomach]
Inspector Lestrade: Begging your pardon, my lord, but I've been wanting to do that for a long time.

Inspector Lestrade: [finding Holmes standing in the center of a pentagram] Did the Devil turn up?

Inspector Lestrade: [From inside Blackwood's tomb] You took your time, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: [portentously] And on the third day...

[Blackwood's coffin is opened]
Inspector Lestrade: That's not Blackwood!
Sherlock Holmes: Well, now we have a firm grasp of the obvious.

Sherlock Holmes: What of the coffin, Lestrade?
Inspector Lestrade: Well, we are in the process of bringing it up.
[Holmes looks at the unmoving constables]
Sherlock Holmes: Indeed? What stage of the process? Contemplative?

Inspector Lestrade: And you were supposed to wait for my orders.
Sherlock Holmes: If I had, you'd be cleaning up a corpse and chasing a rumor. Besides, the girl's parents hired me, not the Yard. Why they thought you'd require any assistance is beyond me.

"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Six Napoleons (#1.7)" (1986)
Inspector Lestrade: If it might interest you, Mister Holmes...
Sherlock Holmes: [Staring intently at a dead body in the morgue] Forgive me, Lestrade; I was just contemplating the one mystery that not even I can solve... Death itself!

Sherlock Holmes: I would be grateful, Lestrade, if you could make it convenient to come around to Baker Street at six o'clock this evening. Until then I would like to keep this photograph found in the dead man's pocket.
Inspector Lestrade: Ah, Mr. Holmes, that might be a vital clue.
Sherlock Holmes: I trust it is; otherwise it's of no interest to me.

Inspector Lestrade: Don't suppose we can smoke, can we?
Sherlock Holmes: [immediately] No.
Inspector Lestrade: No. Thought as much.

Sherlock Holmes: I dare call nothing trivial, Lestrade. Some of my most classic cases have had the least promising commencement.
Dr. Watson: Yeah. That dreadful business of the Abernetty family.
Sherlock Holmes: Yah! Woo.
Inspector Lestrade: I'd hardly call the dismemberment of an entire family trivial.
[Watson laughs]
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, Watson, would you be so kind as to explain?
Dr. Watson: What? Oh, uh, the point is that, um, it only came to Holmes's notice because of the depth to which the parsley had sunk into the butter on a hot day.

[Lestrade visits Holmes and Watson in their rooms at 221B Baker Street]
Dr. Watson: Anything remarkable on hand, Lestrade?
Inspector Lestrade: No, nothing in particular.
Sherlock Holmes: [after a long pause, lowers the newspaper he's reading and smiles at Lestrade] Then tell us about it.

Inspector Lestrade: [Lestrade speaks slowly, deliberately, and sincerely without his usual arrogance] I've seen you handle a good many cases in my time, but I don't know that I ever knew a more workmanlike one than this.
[Holmes beams with pride]
Inspector Lestrade: We're not jealous of you, you know, at Scotland Yard. No, sir, we're proud of you.
[Holmes seems startled by this revelation]
Inspector Lestrade: And if you come down tomorrow, there's not a man from the oldest inspector to the youngest constable... who wouldn't be glad to shake you by the hand.
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you!
[Then quietly and softly with uncharacteristic humility]
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you.

Young Sherlock Holmes (1985)
Sherlock Holmes: Just have a quick look at these.
[hands Lestrade two obituaries]
Lestrade: A suicide and a carriage accident.
Sherlock Holmes: I suspect foul play.
Lestrade: Why? The two instances are completely unrelated.
Sherlock Holmes: Wrong. Both men graduated from the same university in 1809.
Lestrade: Coincidence.
Sherlock Holmes: Neither of their deaths fit their personalities. According to his obituary, Bobster was a happy man, content with his life, his career, his family. Why would he commit suicide? He didn't even leave a note. And Reverend Nesbitt is described by friends as "warm, loving, peaceful." And yet the carriage driver insists that he was crazed, insane, in a state of panic when he ran out into the street.
Lestrade: Holmes, a mere fluctuation of character is hardly sufficient evidence to begin an investigation. And if you want my advice, you'll keep your nose out of the Times and into your schoolbooks.
Sherlock Holmes: I appreciate your time, Mister Lestrade. I suggest you hold onto these.
[Lestrade shakes his head]
Sherlock Holmes: If I were a detective sergeant trapped in this room all day up to my neck in boring paperwork, I would be doing everything in my power to seek out that one case, that one investigation that would promote me to inspector.
Lestrade: [Irately] Good day, Holmes.

Sherlock Holmes: Mister Lestrade! What are you doing here?
Lestrade: Oh, I accidentally stuck myself on one of those damn thorns. Goll, the hallucinations... ghastly. Took four policemen to stop me from hanging meself. Anyway, when it was over, I thought I better look into your story. Now, Holmes, I wish you and your podgy little friend farewell. I appreciate you getting me started on the case.

Sherlock Holmes: A great detective relies on perception, intelligence, and imagination.
Lestrade: [amused] Where'd you get that rubbish from?
Sherlock Holmes: It's framed on the wall behind you.

Sherlock Holmes: Mr. Lestrade?
Lestrade: Holmes. It's been a long time. Three, four days since your last visit?
Sherlock Holmes: I believe I'm on to something
Lestrade: Oh, not again.
Sherlock Holmes: This time I'm certain of it.
Lestrade: Really. Just like last month when you were convinced that the French ambassador had embezzled 300 thousand pounds from the Bank of England?
Sherlock Holmes: I was close. It was the Russian ambassador.

Lestrade: I despise your arrogance.
Sherlock Holmes: And I despise your laziness.

"Sherlock: The Great Game (#1.3)" (2010)
Sherlock Holmes: [after explaining a series of complicated deductions] The picture's a fake.
Dr. John Watson: [impressed] Fantastic.
Sherlock Holmes: Meretricious.
DI Lestrade: And a happy new year.

Sherlock Holmes: [re: Watson] Study In Pink, you read his blog?
DI Lestrade: Of course I read his blog. We all do. Do you really not know that the Earth goes around the Sun?
[Sgt Donovan snickers]

DI Lestrade: Any ideas?
Sherlock Holmes: Seven, so far.

DI Lestrade: But what has this got to do with that painting? I don't see...
Sherlock Holmes: You do *see*, you just don't *observe*!
Dr. John Watson: All right, all right, girls. Calm down.

DI Lestrade: Why is he doing this, the bomber? If this woman's death was suspicious, why point it up?
Sherlock Holmes: Good Samaritan.
DI Lestrade: Who press-gangs suicide bombers?
Sherlock Holmes: Bad Samaritan.

Without a Clue (1988)
Inspector Lestrade: Half a tick, Mr. Holmes. Ye can't go walkin' into someone's residence, pokin' about their personal possessions, disruptin' their privacy... That's for Scotland Yard.

Inspector Lestrade: His Lordship wishes to see Mr. Holmes.
Dr. Watson: I'm sorry to say he's not here at the moment.
Lord Smithwick: Oh, how disappointing.
Inspector Lestrade: Sir, as I said before, I really don't think Mr. Holmes' involvement in this case is at all necessary.
Dr. Watson: I quite agree.
Inspector Lestrade: You do?
Dr. Watson: However, the Crime Doctor is at your disposal.
Inspector Lestrade: Who the deuce is the Crime Doctor?

Dr. Watson: Believe it or not, I'm every bit Holmes's equal as a detective.
Lord Smithwick: [scoffing] Dr. Watson...
Dr. Watson: Ha ha, I happen to know that you recently recovered from an illness; that you smoke a pipe, ah!, probably, uh, rosewood; and you spent time in China...
Inspector Lestrade: [interrupting] Sorry, doctor, this is no time for parlor games.
Dr. Watson: I'm not playing parlor games-...
Inspector Lestrade: Doctor, this is a matter for professionals!
Sherlock Holmes: [bursting in] You've got to help me! There's two big men...
Dr. Watson: Holmes, you're back - so good to see you! My, this is a clever disguise - a drunken lout. Ha, very realistic.
Sherlock Holmes: There's two - this one big fellow...
Dr. Watson: Ah, excuse us just a moment.
[He whisks Holmes into the next room; after some banging about they return, now calm]
Dr. Watson: Gentlemen, Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: Ah, Lestrade. It's good to see the department's letting you out at night again. Lord Smithwick - trouble at the exchequer?
Lord Smithwick: Well, to be honest - Wait, how did you know?
Sherlock Holmes: The same way that I can tell you recently recovered from an illness; smoke a pipe, probably rosewood; and have spent some time in...
Dr. Watson: [prompting] China.
Sherlock Holmes: China.
Lord Smithwick: AMAZING!
Sherlock Holmes: Thank you. Uh, uh, Lord, uh, Smithwick, um, before we start, perhaps a... little sherry?
Lord Smithwick: I wish we could. But the matter which brings me here involves the fate of the entire Empire.
Sherlock Holmes: I see. Perhaps a whiskey, then?

Holmes: As a matter of fact, Lestrade, You can be some help.
Inspector Lestrade: Of course!
Holmes: Hold my coat, it's hot in here.

Inspector Lestrade: You're alive!
Watson: Astounding observation, Inspector. We must discuss it.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Secret Safe (#2.1)" (2001)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: It's a real puzzle, sir. That's why I called in some extra brainpower.
Chief Inspector Greyson: Oh, no! Not that dead detective!
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Yes sir...
Chief Inspector Greyson: That's all I need: a mayor crisis and a mayor meddler.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Deidre, if you were looking to buy a rare African doll with no questions asked, where would you go?
Deidre: Try the Curio shop on Oxford circle near the tube. But don't tell that Zed-head owner it was me who told ya.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: No way, Miss Anonymous, and, eh, thanks.

Chief Inspector Greyson: Is that scruffy little informant properly registered with the Yard?
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Sometimes, sir, the best information comes from unregistered sources.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: I set a Yard record tracking down that perp. How did you get here first?
Sherlock Holmes: Eyes and brains, Lestrade.

Chief Inspector Grayson: Er, Lestrade, not a word of this to the, eh, Prime Minister, eh? Heheh.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Oh, of course not sir... now, about that submersible I requested last month?

Terror by Night (1946)
Sherlock Holmes: The young lady is taking her mother to Scotland for burial.
Inspector Lestrade: In a coffin?
Sherlock Holmes: That is the customary method, I believe.

Lady Margaret Carstairs: I shall report you both to Scotland Yard.
Inspector Lestrade: ...But I *am* Scotland Yard.

Prof. William Kilbane: You come pounding on this door again and I'll have the law on you.
Inspector Lestrade: I am the law.
Prof. William Kilbane: Then stop barging in and out of my room like a chambermaid.

Sherlock Holmes: The Inspector's going to Scotland to fish for salmon!
Dr. John H. Watson: [to Lestrade] Oh really? The season doesn't start for another month, but you wouldn't know that, would you?
Inspector Lestrade: 'Oo says I'm gonna fish fer salmon?
Dr. John H. Watson: 'Oo? 'Im!

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Scales of Justice (#1.8)" (1999)
Chapman: They're quite peaceful when no' provoked.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: So am I, sir. So am I.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Hm. He said Roylott's got answers. That's just what I'm in the mood for, right about now.
Sherlock Holmes: By all means, lets get some.

Sherlock Holmes: In his own, twisted way, he did it out of love. But at some point, he lost sight of the truth, and then he was lost.
Dr. John Watson: And what would that truth be, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: The truth, my dear Watson, is that even an eminent herpetologist should not attempt to tip the scales of justice in favor of evil.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Scales of justice, Holmes? Ugh. Good grief!

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: A Case of Identity (#2.9)" (2001)
Constable Abner Angel: [over police intercom] Inspector Lestrade, I've been dispatched to...
Inspector Beth Lestrade: [angry] To what, get in my way?

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Assign me a new Compu-Droid instead.
Chief Inspector Greyson: No. You put too much wear and tear on the poor robots. They spent half their time in the shop.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: How can you tell? I just hear footsteps.
Sherlock Holmes: Ears and brains, Lestrade.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Gloria Scott (#2.4)" (2001)
Sherlock Holmes: When did they make their escape, Lestrade?
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Three days ago.
Sherlock Holmes: Hm, they could be on the moon by now.

Sherlock Holmes: A most challenging conundrum. I shall turn my full attention to your case, Victor.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Hold on Holmes, New Scotland Yard needs your expertise. You just can't go off and...
Sherlock Holmes: [holds up a hand to interrupt] Sorry, Lestrade, Victor is my friend. But more than that, he is a friend in need.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: [laughs] Gloria made them take her name off it.
Sherlock Holmes: Gloria. Please elaborate.
Dr. John Watson: Gloria Scott Reilly, the woman who pioneered algae farming on the moon. The shuttle was christened in her honor.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Adventure of the Sussex Vampire Lot (#1.7)" (1999)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Just a few more centimeters of steel and the jaws of justice will put the bite on our caped criminal!

Professor James Moriarty: Cuff her, Fenwick!
Martin Fenwick: [chuckles] With pleasure.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Oh, must you both be so theatrical?
Professor James Moriarty: But of course, Inspector Lestrade.

Professor James Moriarty: [referring to the vampire] My new partner in crime.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Partner this, Moriarty!

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Hounds of the Baskervilles (#1.3)" (1999)
Professor James Moriarty: Pleased to make your acquaintance, Miss Lestrade.
[kisses her hand]
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Inspector Lestrade to you, Clone-head.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Don't fire, that's an order!

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Moriarty! But... we saw his body. How can he...
Sherlock Holmes: When you eliminate the impossible, what remains, no matter how improbable, must be the truth. It's not the man himself, Lestrade, but a clone. As evil as the original, I'm afraid. Complete with his memories intact. Isn't technology wonderful?

"The Adventures of Sherlock Holmes: The Norwood Builder (#2.3)" (1985)
Inspector Lestrade: Well, Mr. Holmes, there's no denying that you have been of use to the force once or twice in the past.

Inspector Lestrade: Anything more you'd like to ask, Mr. Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: Not until I've been to Blackheath.
Inspector Lestrade: You mean Norwood.
Sherlock Holmes: [smiling] No doubt that is what I must have meant.

Sherlock Holmes: [about a newly discovered thumbprint on the wall] And I suppose there is no doubt that the mark was there yesterday?
Inspector Lestrade: Well, of course, McFarlane could have crept out of jail in the middle of the night just to strengthen the evidence against himself.

"Sherlock: The Empty Hearse (#3.1)" (2014)
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, I'm really pleased, Mary. Have you set a date?
Mary Morstan: Uh, well, we thought May.
Mrs. Hudson: Ah, a spring wedding.
Mary Morstan: Yeah. Well, once we've actually got engaged.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
Mary Morstan: We were interrupted last time.
Dr. John Watson: Yeah.
DI Lestrade: Well, I can't wait.
Mary Morstan: You will be there, Sherlock?
Sherlock Holmes: Weddings - not really my thing.

Sherlock Holmes: [voiced from the darkness as Lestade lights a cigarette] Those things will kill you.
DI Lestrade: [long pause with recognition] Oh, you bastard.

Anderson: I believe in Sherlock Holmes.
DI Lestrade: Yeah, well, that won't bring him back.

Sherlock Holmes Faces Death (1943)
[Inspector Lestrade is lost in a secret passage]
Insp. Lestrade: I'm lost! I'm all turned around!
Sherlock Holmes: You have been, for years. Get him out of there, will you, Mrs. Howells? And get him a saucer of milk.

[Lestrade brings a suspect's shoe to compare to recovered footprints. They match]
Insp. Lestrade: And that's Alfred Brunton's shoe.
Sherlock Holmes: Fits perfectly, Inspector. But the fact that these prints were made by Brunton's shoes does not prove that Brunton's feet were in them.
Insp. Lestrade: Why not? Where should Brunton's feet be, if not in his own shoes?
Dr. John H. Watson: Well, they're not in them now, are they?

"Sherlock: The Reichenbach Fall (#2.3)" (2012)
[as Sherlock and John are handcuffed together]
Sherlock Holmes: Hmm. Bit awkward, this.
Dr. John Watson: There's no one to bail us.
Sherlock Holmes: I was thinking more about our imminent and daring escape.
Police Dispatcher: All units to 2-7.
Dr. John Watson: [to Sherlock] What?
[Sherlock triggers a police radio, causing feedback in all the uniformed officers' microphones. As the nearest one yanks his earpiece out, Sherlock grabs his gun and backs away from everyone]
Police Dispatcher: All units to 2
Sherlock Holmes: Ladies and gentlemen, will you all please get on your knees?
[No one moves; he fires twice into the air]
Sherlock Holmes: *Now* would be good!
DI Lestrade: Do as he says!
Dr. John Watson: Just-just so you're aware, the gun is his idea. I-I'm just, uh, you know...
Sherlock Holmes: [pointing the gun at John] My hostage!
Dr. John Watson: Hostage, yes, that works. That works. So what now?
Sherlock Holmes: Doing what Moriarty wants. Becoming a fugitive. Run.

[after an eye-witness screams at the sight of Sherlock Holmes]
DI Lestrade: Well, don't let it get to you, I always feel like screaming when you walk into a room. In fact, so do most people.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: Silver Blaze (#1.14)" (2000)
Dr. John Watson: It could be anywhere.
Sherlock Holmes: Hardly anywhere, Watson. After all, we are talking about a twenty ton spacecraft. Surely, that must narrow possible hiding places.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: [on viewscreen] Well, whoever stole it didn't have much time to hide it and we've checked everywhere imaginable.
Sherlock Holmes: Nonsense, Lestrade. You must expand your imagination. The thief certainly did.

Colonel Ross: I'll see you in prison!
Mapleton: You'll see me in the winner's circle.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Gentlemen! Stop your engines or you'll be cooling your jets behind bars. Both of you!

"Sherlock: A Scandal in Belgravia (#2.1)" (2012)
Sherlock Holmes: I see you've got a new boyfriend, Molly, and you're serious about him.
Molly Hooper: What? Sorry, what?
Sherlock Holmes: In fact, you're seeing him this very night and giving him a gift.
Dr. John Watson: Take a day off.
Lestrade: Shut up and have a drink.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, come on, surely you've all seen the present at top of the bag. Perfectly wrapped with a bow. All the others are slap-dash at best. It's for someone special, then. The shade of red echoes her lipstick, either an unconscious association or one that she's deliberately trying to encourage. Either way, Miss Hooper has love on her mind. The fact that she's serious about him is clear from the fact that she's giving him a gift at all. That always suggests long-term hopes, however forlorn, and that she's seeing him tonight is evident from her make-up and what she's wearing. Obviously trying to compensate for the size of her mouth and breasts...
[voice trails off as he opens the tag: "Dearest Sherlock Love Molly xxx"]
Molly Hooper: [brutally embarrassed] You always say such horrible things. Every time. Always. Always...
Sherlock Holmes: [turns to leave but turns back] I am sorry. Forgive me.
[John looks up, completely surprised at hearing an apology from Sherlock]
Sherlock Holmes: Merry Christmas, Molly Hooper.
[Sherlock kisses her cheek. Suddenly, Sherlock's text message tone goes off, which Irene Adler earlier changed to the sound of a woman gasping in ecstasy]
Molly Hooper: Oh, No! That wasn't... I didn't...
Sherlock Holmes: No, it was me.
Lestrade: My God, really?
Molly Hooper: What?
Sherlock Holmes: My *phone*.

Sherlock Holmes: [on the phone] Lestrade? We've had a break-in at Baker Street. Send your least irritating officers and an ambulance. Oh, no, no, no, no, we're fine. No, it's the, uh, it's the burglar, he's got himself rather badly injured.
[Neilson, bound and gagged, but otherwise unharmed, looks up in confusion]
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, a few broken ribs, fractured skull, suspected punctured lung.
Sherlock Holmes: He fell out of a window.
[cut to the first floor of Baker Street, where John is tending Mrs. Hudon's wounds]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh! It stings...
[a body falls past the window, landing with a crash]
Mrs. Hudson: Oh, that was right on my bins.
[Cut to a later street scene, as the ambulance pulls away]
DI Lestrade: And exactly how many times did he fall out of the window?
Sherlock Holmes: It's all a bit of a blur, Detective Inspector. I lost count.

"Elementary: Step Nine (#2.1)" (2013)
Sherlock Holmes: This is the weapon that I believe Pendry used to kill his wife: a plastic gun.
Gareth Lestrade: [sarcastic] You're absolutely right. I did see one of those, actually. It was in the cutlery drawer. I thought it was a toy, so I left it alone.
[Holmes rolls his eyes]
Gareth Lestrade: You think I'm daft? What, you think I wouldn't recognize a plastic gun?

Gareth Lestrade: [re: Sherlock] Uh, Miss, no offense but could you give him a little bit of space? Because he's doing that thing. You know, when's on to something, he does that-that thing...
Dr. Joan Watson: [annoyed] Yes, I know that thing!

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Resident Patient (#1.9)" (1999)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: You don't have to be Sherlock Holmes to spot a clue like that.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: It can't be!
Sherlock Holmes: Ah...
[holds up a finger]
Inspector Beth Lestrade: [before Holmes can speak] I know, I know, Once you've eliminate the impossible...
Dr. John Watson: Whatever remains, no matter how improbable...
Wiggins: Must be the truth.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Adventure of the Dancing Men (#1.11)" (1999)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: And... where were you this morning, Mr. Slaney?
Abe Slaney: At my hotel.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Can anyone confirm that?
Abe Slaney: My pillow. I was asleep.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Lights. I said lights! Oh Zed!
[turns on her flashlight]
Inspector Beth Lestrade: So much for voice controlled lighting systems...

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Adventure of the Empty House (#1.4)" (1999)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: How did you know?
Dr. John Watson: Eyes and brains, Inspector, eyes and brains.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: No, he's a popsicle, but he's still breathing.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Crooked Man (#1.5)" (1999)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: [typing a keyboard] Come on... come on! Zed! Someone's locking me out from the mainframe!

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Hm-hm. My hacking skills are dustier than my first Ionizer. Hey, not as dusty as I thought. Hello, file number 389X4!

The Spider Woman (1944)
Sherlock Holmes: [on the pyjama suicides] Directing them is one of the most fiendishly clever minds in all Europe today. I suspect a woman.
Dr. John H. Watson: You amaze me, Holmes. Why a woman?
Sherlock Holmes: Because the method, whatever it is, is particularly subtle and cruel. Feline, not canine.
Inspector Lestrade: Popycock. When a bloke does himself in, that's suicide.
Sherlock Holmes: Unless a bloke is driven to suicide; in that case it's murder.
Dr. John H. Watson: Driven? That *sounds* like a woman, doesn't it?
Sherlock Holmes: Definitley - a female Moriarty. Clever. Ruthless. And above all, cautious.

Inspector Lestrade: Where is he anyhow?
Dr. John H. Watson: I'm blessed if I know. He said wait here, by the shooting gallery, and look inconspicuous.
Inspector Lestrade: Inconspicuous? Oh...
[Lestrade starts whistling and inspecting the ceiling]
Dr. John H. Watson: He said inconspicuous, Lestrade, not half-witted.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Adventure of the Six Napoleons (#2.5)" (2001)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: He's gone! Zed!
Dr. John Watson: But how could he just vanish?
Sherlock Holmes: Excelent question, Watson.

Sherlock Holmes: [Watson has just saved Holmes' life] Well done, Watson. What did you find on Sam Timble?
Inspector Beth Lestrade: [exasperated] Does the man ever slow down?

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Adventure of the Deranged Detective (#1.6)" (1999)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Holmes... sorry about trying to, hm, well, terminate you.
Sherlock Holmes: Think nothing of it.

Dr. John Watson: [to Holmes and Lestrade] You're not mad, either of you.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Angry perhaps. Deranged, no.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Musgrave Ritual (#1.12)" (1999)
Deidre: So, what did they take? Diamonds? Gold?
Inspector Beth Lestrade: A beat up, tarnished old sword.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: You kids, stay here!
Wiggins: But...
Inspector Beth Lestrade: No. This is one field trip you're sitting out.
Sherlock Holmes: She's right. This isn't academic any more, this is real danger.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Fall and Rise of Sherlock Holmes (#1.1)" (1999)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Oh! Have you lost your holo-chips, Watson?
Dr. John Watson: Negative. All holo- chips present and accounted for.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Get in the cruiser, you worthless bucket of Zed.

"Sherlock Holmes: The Case of the Texas Cowgirl (#1.4)" (1954)
Inspector Lestrade: Well, I took your advice, Mr. Holmes. I found an Indian - Chief Running Water.
Minnie: Howdy, Chief.
Chief Running Water: How.

Sherlock Holmes: Tell me, Lestrade, did any of the guests report missing jewelry tonight?
Inspector Lestrade: No. Why?
[pouring a handful of gems out of a hollow bedpost]
Sherlock Holmes: Well, they will soon.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Man with the Twisted Lip (#1.17)" (2000)
Sherlock Holmes: British Intelligence officers? Why are they here?
Inspector Beth Lestrade: It's not for their intelligence, I can tell you that.

Inspector Beth Lestrade: Oh, give me a break! He had Zed to do with the bust and new Zilch about British Intelligence having Neville under cover. Ugh!

"Sherlock: The Sign of Three (#3.2)" (2014)
Dr. John Watson: [painfully hungover] Can you whisper?
DI Lestrade: [amused, shouting right into Watson's face] *Not really*!

[first lines]
DI Lestrade: [leaving a couthouse] They just walked out of there.
Sgt Sally Donovan: Yeah, I know, I was sort of sitting next to you.
DI Lestrade: The whole Walters family, they just walked right out of there.
Sgt Sally Donovan: Again, I was in the room.
DI Lestrade: How do they always manage that?
Sgt Sally Donovan: They're good.

The Triumph of Sherlock Holmes (1935)
Lestrade: On the way I'll tell you all I know.
Holmes: We're not going very far then, are we?

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Adventure of the Beryl Board (#2.7)" (2001)
Sherlock Holmes: You will bring Arthur.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Grayson won't like it, ew, but what else is new?

"Sherlock: The Hounds of Baskerville (#2.2)" (2012)
Sherlock Holmes: What the hell are you doing here?
DI Lestrade: Oh, nice to see you, too. I'm on holiday, would you believe?
Sherlock Holmes: No. I wouldn't.
DI Lestrade: Hello, John.
Dr. John Watson: Greg.
DI Lestrade: I heard you were in the area. What are you up to? You after this Hound of Hell, like on the telly?
Sherlock Holmes: I'm waiting for an explanation, Inspector. Why are you here?
DI Lestrade: I've told you, I'm on holiday.
Sherlock Holmes: You're brown as a nut. You're clearly just back from your holidays.
DI Lestrade: Maybe I'd fancied another one.
Sherlock Holmes: Oh, this is Mycroft, isn't it?
DI Lestrade: Now, look...
Sherlock Holmes: Of course it is. One mention of Baskerville and he sends down my handler to-to spy on me, incognito. Is that why you're calling yourself Greg?
Dr. John Watson: That's his name.
Sherlock Holmes: Is it?
DI Lestrade: Yes... if you'd ever bother to find out. Look, I'm not your handler. And I don't just do what your brother tells me.

Sherlock Holmes: Incident at Victoria Falls (1992) (TV)
Inspector Lestrade: It appears that Signor Marconi and his wife are on holiday, on their way to America.
Dr. John Watson: On that brand new vessel, the Titanic, I should imagine.
Inspector Lestrade: No, no, the maiden voyage was delayed, so they had to change to another vessel.
Dr. John Watson: Rotten luck.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Adventure of the Creeping Man (#2.6)" (2001)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: I can't believe your father's getting married again. And to Alice, of all people. I still remember the box of cookies he sent the three of us when we were starving together in college.
Edith Presbury: If I'd known Alice was going to end up being my stepmother, I'd never have shared those cookies with her.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Five Orange Pips (#1.15)" (2000)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Deduce that all by yourself, did you?
Sherlock Holmes: I am Sherlock Holmes, after all...

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Adventure of the Engineer's Thumb (#2.3)" (2001)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: Ok, Louie, spill. Who's pedling the black market tickers?
Louie the Snitch: I-I dunno, I'm just a middle man.
Sherlock Holmes: Organ legging. The illicit trafficing of stolen human body parts. In my day, not even Jack the Ripper stooped so low.

"Sherlock: Unaired Pilot (#1.0)" (2010)
[last lines]
DI Lestrade: Sergeant Donovon.
Sally Donovan: Sir?
DI Lestrade: We'll need those two in tomorrow.
Sally Donovan: What two, sir?
DI Lestrade: Sherlock Holmes and Doctor Watson.

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Red-Headed League (#1.16)" (2000)
Sherlock Holmes: Careful, Lestrade, they are dangerous.
Inspector Beth Lestrade: My kinda gig!

"Sherlock Holmes in the 22nd Century: The Crime Machine (#1.2)" (1999)
Inspector Beth Lestrade: You'll be working under me.
Sherlock Holmes: You? Balderdash! What sort of a world has this become?
Inspector Beth Lestrade: A better one. For women.

"The Return of Sherlock Holmes: The Empty House (#1.1)" (1986)
Inspector Lestrade: The sort of case that would've interested our old friend Mr. Sherlock Holmes.
Dr. John Watson: Yes, indeed.
Inspector Lestrade: What a loss he is, Doctor. Oh, I didn't always approve of his methods but he was the best amateur there was or ever likely to be. Well, there were times when he even got the better of me.

"Sherlock Holmes: The Case of the Singing Violin (#1.15)" (1955)
Sherlock Holmes: Get your hat, Watson.
Dr. John H. Watson: Well... where are we going, Holmes?
Sherlock Holmes: To interview the murderer of Jimmy Winant, of course.
Inspector Lestrade: You mean to say you know who killed him?
Sherlock Holmes: Of course I do. Don't you?

"Sherlock: The Six Thatchers (#4.1)" (2017)
Sherlock Holmes: You two, take a bus.
DI Lestrade: Why?
Sherlock Holmes: Because I need to concentrate and I don't want to hit you.

Sherlock Holmes' Fatal Hour (1931)
Inspector Lestrade: You know, Watson, although I've known Holmes for some years, I sometimes wonder if he's all there.

"Elementary: The One Percent Solution (#2.16)" (2014)
Sherlock Holmes: Someone just claimed credit for the bomb.
Gareth Lestrade: Right. Aurelius. So we're after big game now, are we? There is a great white loose in these waters.
Sherlock Holmes: Which is it?
Gareth Lestrade: Beg your pardon?
Sherlock Holmes: Are we hunting game, or are we fishing for sharks? 'Cause you can't have it both ways, metaphorically speaking.

"Sherlock: The Final Problem (#4.3)" (2017)
Young Police Officer: Is that him, sir? Sherlock Holmes?
Greg Lestrade: A fan, are you?
Young Police Officer: Well, he's a great man, sir.
Greg Lestrade: No, he's better than that. He's a good one.

A Study in Scarlet (1933)
Sherlock Holmes: You came to see me professionally.
Inspector Lestrade: Well, er, unofficially.
Sherlock Holmes: I see. Heads you win, tails I lose.

The Pearl of Death (1944)
Inspector Lestrade: When a lady gets hysterical...
Sherlock Holmes: ...she may do many desperate things, but my dear Lestrade, she does not run around the walls like a mouse.

A Study in Terror (1965)
Doctor Murray: That is mere conjecture, Holmes.
Sherlock Holmes: All circumstantial evidence is conjecture, Murray, but it is often right.
Inspector Lestrade: Mr. Holmes is usually right.