The Professor
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Quotes for
The Professor (Character)
from "Gilligan's Island" (1964)

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Rescue from Gilligan's Island (1978) (TV)
Professor: Miss Ainsworth, turn off your macho!

Dean: We're expanding. This will be the biggest university on the west coast.
Professor: But we're on the east coast.
Dean: That's how big I want it to be.

[Spotting a Coast Guard helicopter]
Skipper: I can't believe it. After 15 years, we're finally rescued.
Mr. Howell: Rescued.
Mrs. Howell: Rescued.
Ginger Grant: Rescued.
Mary Ann: Rescued.
Professor: Rescued.
Gilligan: Rescued.

Professor: [about the tsunami] Mind you, I haven't worked out all the details.
Mrs. Howell: I have one thing to say to you, Professor. Work out the details.

Skipper: [Gilligan holds up a sign from the first Minnow] Oh no!
Professor: The same island!

"Gilligan's Island: Erika Tiffany-Smith to the Rescue (#2.15)" (1965)
Erika Tiffany Smith: I thought all professors wear glasses.
Professor Roy Hinkley: Oh not at all, my eyes are ametropic and completely refractable.
Erika Tiffany Smith: From here they look blue.

Professor Roy Hinkley: [after being introduced] Mrs Tiffany-Smith, you don't know what a pleasure this is.
Erika Tiffany Smith: I certainly intend to find out.

"Gilligan's Island: The Pigeon (#3.28)" (1967)
Professor Roy Hinkley: It's working, he's afraid of himself.
Gilligan: That makes it unanimous!

Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby: [about stray pigeon] Let's attach a note to him and send him off.
Professor Roy Hinkley: He's been through a great ordeal with storm. He's lost feathers, and he's lost weight.
Gilligan: Well, maybe we can just send a short note.

"Gilligan's Island: Waiting for Watubi (#1.10)" (1964)
Thurston Howell III: [to the Skipper] You're looking very chipper for someone who's cracked his little head wide open.
Professor Roy Hinkley: Have you seen the bruise on that man's head?
Thurston Howell III: Have you seen the bruise on that tree? Someone should call Smokey the Bear!

Professor Roy Hinkley: [Gilligan & The Professor are digging a hole to bury the statue of Kona] There. That should be deep enough.
Gilligan: Make it a little deeper, Professor. I want to put him down so deep he'll get the bends.
Professor Roy Hinkley: Gilligan, that statue is not getting out of this hole.
Gilligan: Please make it a little deeper.
[the professor digs for a bit more, then puts the statue in the hole]
Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby: [the Skipper comes along and falls into the hole. He sees what's in the hole with him, jumps out and runs away] Aaah! Kona!
Gilligan: Hey Skipper! Watch out for that
[sharp cracking sound]
Gilligan: tree.

"Gilligan's Island: Voodoo (#3.5)" (1966)
The Professor: [to Skipper and Gilligan] I would say it was a geological phenomenon caused by volcanic activity beneath the Earth's surface resulting into concentration of heat at a specific location.
Gilligan: That makes sense to me, but there's one thing I don't understand.
The Professor: Oh, what's that?
Gilligan: How come the ground got so hot underneath our feet?

The Professor: [to Skipper] Simple. Gilligan was digging and he probably sprained a muscle.

"Gilligan's Island: Topsy-Turvy (#3.10)" (1966)
[Gilligan sees everything upside down, so the Skipper reluctantly stands on his head]
Skipper Jonas Grumby: For a little guy, you sure get in a lot of trouble!
Gilligan: That's because I try harder.
Skipper Jonas Grumby: The things I do for you...
Gilligan: Sorry, Skipper, but this is the only way I can talk to you without falling down. Or up. Or sideways.
Professor Roy Hinkley: [Walks out of hut with a potion for Gilligan] Skipper, you are standing upside-down, aren't you?
Skipper Jonas Grumby: Well of course I'm standing upside-down, Professor!
Professor Roy Hinkley: Oh. Good; for a minute I thought I was working too hard.

"Gilligan's Island: Don't Bug the Mosquitoes (#2.12)" (1965)
Professor Roy Hinkley: The Mosquitoes left us a note.
Thurston Howell III: They can write?
Professor Roy Hinkley: Apparently...

"Gilligan's Island: Gilligan's Living Doll (#2.21)" (1966)
Professor Roy Hinkley: [All the castaways are present, seated or standing around the communal table with the radio on it. They are all ad-libbing as the Professor hears the radio] Wait a minute! Quiet! The announcement, quiet! Quiet!
Radio Announcer: And now they are activating the robot's receptor spools to see if they can find out how it got to Hawaii. The next voice you hear will be that of the robot.
Robot: [mechanically] I have been on a deserted island. The putt breaks to the right.
Thurston Howell III: Well, it was a lucky shot!
Robot: [mechanically] Sweep back and forth, back and forth. I was stranded. This is the way we wash our clothes.
Radio Announcer: Ladies and gentlemen, the scientists from the laboratory are checking to see exactly what went wrong. Perhaps now we can learn the reason the recorded messages are all scrambled... A WHAT?... Ladies and gentlemen, believe it or not, a RABBIT'S FOOT was just found in the robot!
[Everyone slowly looks directly at Gilligan, with those who were seated slowly getting up. Gilligan smiles rather embarrassingly whilst shying away from their stares]
Radio Announcer: It demagnetized the entire receptor spools. There is now no chance of finding out where the robot has been, who reprogrammed it, or how it got to Hawaii. For that matter, how the rabbit's foot got in there in the first place!
Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby, Thurston Howell III, Mrs. Lovey Howell, Ginger Grant, Professor Roy Hinkley, Mary Ann Summers: [Almost unbelievingly] GILLIGAN?
Gilligan: I just thought it'd bring us some luck, ya know?
[Gilligan then slips under the table while the Skipper and Professor go after him as the scene fades out]

"Gilligan's Island: The Second Ginger Grant (#3.24)" (1967)
Professor Roy Hinkley: Ginger, the blow to her head caused Mary Ann to assume the identity of the only famous actress she's ever known, you.
Gilligan: It's a lucky thing she didn't know Lassie.

"Gilligan's Island: Ghost-a-Go-Go (#2.27)" (1966)
Professor Roy Hinkley: Fortunately I happen to know something about the construction of mannequins.

"Gilligan's Island: Home Sweet Hut (#1.2)" (1964)
Gilligan: [Inside the Professor's hut] Could I get back the saw and the chisel that you borrowed?
Professor Roy Hinkley: Oh yeah. I loaned the chisel to the girls, but the saw's over here some place.
[as he looks, Gilligan looks around at the hut rather impressed, then pulls out a small palm leaf no more than three inches long, and the wall it was in immediately falls down, surprising both the Professor and Gilligan]
Professor Roy Hinkley: Gilligan! What did you do to that wall?
Gilligan: Oh I'm sorry, Professor. All I did was pull out this one little palm leaf, and the whole thing fell down.
Professor Roy Hinkley: [Disbelieving] Oh, Come on!
Gilligan: Honest, Professor! That's what happened!
Professor Roy Hinkley: You can't tell me that pulling out one little palm leaf could make a whole wall fall down.
[With that, he walks over to the opposing wall, with Gilligan in tow, and pulls about three feet of palm leaf out of the wall and shows it to him]
Professor Roy Hinkley: I built this place! You remember?
[Gilligan then looks closely at the wall, and pulls out a similar short palm leaf to the one he originally pulled out, making that wall fall, and the rest of the hut to collapse as well]

"Gilligan's Island: Gilligan's Mother-in-Law (#2.1)" (1965)
Native Warrior: [closing lines]
[says something unintelligible to Gilligan]
Gilligan: [calls to Professor] What's he saying, Professor?
Native Warrior: [turns, calls to Professor]
Professor Roy Hinkley: [calls to Gilligan] Oh, he just said you first have to pass the Best Man Test.
Gilligan: [calls to Professor] Best Man Test? What's that?
Native Warrior: [calls to Professor, holds up six fingers and mimes blowing a small dart]
Professor Roy Hinkley: [calls to Gilligan] Poison darts at six paces!
Gilligan: [stands up in boat] Poison darts at six paces?
[leaps overboard, swims ashore, and runs away]

"Gilligan's Island: Quick Before It Sinks (#2.6)" (1965)
[last lines]
Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby: Just look at that mess, Gilligan.
Gilligan: It won't take long to clean it up with all three of us.
Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby: "All three of us?"
Professor Roy Hinkley: "All three of us?"
Gilligan: Yeah, all three of us. Me, myself, and I.

"Gilligan's Island: The Invasion (#3.11)" (1966)
Professor Roy Hinkley: I want all of you to know that the attache case is missing and until it is recovered you are all suspects!
Gilligan: Does that mean none of us can leave the island?

"Gilligan's Island: Up at Bat (#3.1)" (1966)
[dream sequence, arriving at a vampire's castle]
Professor Roy Hinkley: [as "Sherlock"] I am inspector Sherlock and this is my associate, Colonel Watney.
Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby: [as "Watney"] How do you do?
Professor Roy Hinkley: Have you been expecting us?
Mary Ann Summers: [as the castle caretaker] Expecting you? Five years ago I wrote you to come investigate the strange happenings in this house. FIVE YEARS! What took you so long?
Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby: W-w-well the fact is... uh... we had trouble getting a Hansom Cab!
Professor Roy Hinkley: Eh... precisely! We had to WALK!
Mary Ann Summers: You walked? All the way from England?
Jonas 'The Skipper' Grumby: Yes, and of course, crossing the channel was devilishly slow. You see it was take one step, and come up for air, and then take another step, and come up for air...
Mary Ann Summers: Never mind!

"Gilligan's Island: Castaways Pictures Presents (#2.7)" (1965)
Professor Roy Hinkley: Well, it must be their old abandoned Yacht, and this is silent picture equipment.
Mrs. Lovey Howell: I just love those old silent pictures and those marvelous silent picture stars. Oh, look, darling. There's 'Theda Bara' And there's Little 'Mary Pickford' and 'Rudolph Valentino'.