The Cat in the Hat
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Quotes for
The Cat in the Hat (Character)
from The Cat in the Hat (1971) (TV)

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The Cat in the Hat (2003)
[the Cat is looking at a photo]
The Cat: Humina, humina, humina! Who is this?
Conrad: That's my mom.
[pause]
The Cat: Awkward.

The Fish: Stop this right now!
Conrad: Who said that?
The Fish: Me! Remember, the fish? Came home in a baggy, loved me for two weeks, and then *nothing*!
Sally: The fish is talking.
The Cat: Well, sure, he can talk. But is he saying anything? No, not really.

Sally: You need to clean this mess up, pronto. We have a contract.
The Cat: Alright, I'll try.
Sally: [grabs the Cat in the Hat by his bowtie] You don't try, you do!

The Cat: [showing his car] Here she is, the Super Luxurious Omnidirectional Whatchamajigger, or S-L-O-W for short.
Sally: S-L-O-W?
The Cat: Yeah, S.L.O.W. It's better than the last thing we had: Super Hydraulic Instantaneous Transporter.
Conrad: Oh, you mean...
The Cat: No! Quick! To the S.L.O.W.!

[repeated line]
The Cat: Oh yeah!

Sally: [jumping on the couch] Like being in the circus!
The Cat: Yeah, but without those tortured animals or drunken clowns that have hepatitis.

The Cat: [sinister voice] There is a third option!
[Vaudeville keyboard music]
Sally: There is?
The Cat: Yes. It involves... murder!
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
Conrad: That's your option?
The Cat: [normal voice] No. You guys both had options. I just wanted to have one too.
The Cat: [back to sinister] Or did I?
[More vaudeville keyboard music]
Sally: Cat, you're not helping!

The Cat: [English accent] I'll get you, and it'll look like a bloody accident.

The Cat: Scream and run.

[after cutting his tail off with a meat cleaver]
The Cat: Son of a (beep)!

Sally: Where did you come from?
The Cat: Hmm, How do I put this... When a mommy cat and a daddy cat love each other very much, they decide that...
Conrad: Oh, no, no, no, no, no. Where did you *come* from?
The Cat: My place, what do you think?

The Cat: You pay this woman to sit on babies? That's disgusting. I'd do it for nothing.

The Cat: C'mon kids, you gonna listen to him? He drinks where he pees!

The Cat: [closing the crate after Conrad opened it] Listen, Condax... you probably don't wanna do that.
Conrad: Why not? It's just a crate.
The Cat: This isn't just any old crate, it's the Transdimensional Transporterlator. It's kinda like a doorway which leads from this world to my world.
Conrad: But it says "Made in the Philippines".
The Cat: Yes, but not *this* Philippines.

Lawrence Quinn: Why am I sneezing?
The Cat: [tapping on Quinn's shoulder] That'd be me. BOO!

The Cat: [as the cook] Delicious cupcakes are just minutes away.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Did you just say "minutes away"? That's impossible!
The Cat: [as the cook] You're not just wrong, you're stupid.
The Cat: [as a cooking show host] Now, wait just a minute...
The Cat: [as the cook] And you're ugly, just like your mum.

[to a hoe]
The Cat: Dirty Hoe... I'm sorry, baby. I love you.

Sally: Who are you?
The Cat: Who, Me? Why I'm The Cat in the Hat, there's no doubt about that. I'm a super fundiferous feline, who's here to make sure that you're..."meline"..."key lime"..."turpentine". I got nothing! I'm not so good with the rhyming, not really, no. Look, I'm a cat that can talk that should be enough for you people!

The Fish: Children, this cat is currently in violation of... seventeen of your mother's rules!
[the phone rings, and The Cat answers it]
The Cat: City Morgue!
The Fish: [losing it] Eighteen!

The Cat: Without my hat, I'm just your garden variety six-foot tall talking cat.

The Fish: Someone else should drive!
The Cat: Alright, you win. Concrete, you drive.
[gives Conrad the wheel]
Conrad: Are you serious?
The Cat: I don't know. A little voice inside of me is saying, "This is a bad idea." But I can barely hear that little voice, because an even louder little voice is screaming, "Let the twelve-year-old drive!" Now punch it.
Conrad: This is awesome!
Sally: I want to drive.
The Cat: I think that's a great idea.
[gives Sally another wheel]
Conrad: Wait, two people can't drive at the same time.
The Cat: You're right. We should all drive.
[gets his own wheel]

The Cat: Hey, Rhode Island license plate. You never see those.

Conrad: So, what do we do?
The Cat: Well, there are two treatments I'd recommend. One is a series of painful shots injected into your abdomen and kneecaps, and the other involves a musical number! Me me me me-ow!
Sally: How many shots?

Thing Two: Don't belittle me.
The Cat: Ah, yes of course. Thing 2 would like to clarify that just because he wears the number 2 does not imply in any way that he's inferior to Thing 1.
Thing Two: And all of the above.
The Cat: He says you may feel free to call him Thing A if you like. He will also accept Super Thing, Thing King, Kid Dynamite, Chocolate Thun-da or Ben.
Thing Two: Ben.
[Thing 1 jabbers incoherently]
The Cat: Thing 1 says he's Thing 1 for a reason and some people should just get used to it. It's a Thing thing, you wouldn't understand.

The Cat: Uh, I'm uncomfortable with the "d" word. I just think it's wrong.
[starts singing]
The Cat: How much is that canine American in the window.

The Cat: Listen kid, you can tap it with a hammer, it ain't gonna change.

Sally: Stop! That's...
Sally, Conrad: Mom's dress!
The Cat: This filthy thing?
Sally: She was gonna wear that tonight and you ruined it.
The Cat: Honey, it was ruined when she bought it.
[snaps, snaps]
The Cat: Mmm-mmm-hmm yeah.
[snaps, snaps]
The Cat: Mmm-hmm.

The Cat: If this were my house, I'd be furious.


The Cat in the Hat (1971) (TV)
Cat in the Hat: Cat, hat. In French: chat, chapeau. In Spanish: el gato in a sombrero.

Mr. Krinklebein the Fish: Out! Out! Out of this house!
Cat in the Hat: OUT? OUT? Why every house should have a cat in it... curled up by the fireplace little warm...
Mr. Krinklebein the Fish: Out! And take those things with you! Out!
Cat in the Hat: Take the things? But who ever heard of a house without things in it?
Mr. Krinklebein the Fish: They're not things, they're, they're... and you're not a cat! Whoever heard of a six-foot cat?

Cat in the Hat: I am indeed a cat, and this, indeed, is a HAT.

Cat in the Hat: Somebody stole my moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza! Nobody's gonna leave this room until I find it!

Cat in the Hat: You will note, I am neat... wiped my feet on the mat.

Cat in the Hat: My dear, Mr. Krinklebein. My tricks are quite safe. I invite you to join in the fun, if you wish, in a game that I call... Up, Up, Up, With a Fish!

Cat in the Hat: Who's that? I believe we haven't yet met.
Mr. Krinklebein the Fish: The name is Krinklebein. Carlos K. Krinklebein. Now please go away. Tell that top-headed cat he should not be about. He should not be here when your mother is out!

Cat in the Hat: It's up to you kids, whatever you say. If you think me untrustworthy, send me away.
Sally: Well, he is getting the house sort of messy and dirty, and Mother...
Boy: Yeah, Mother; back home at 3:30.
Cat in the Hat: A vote of no confidence. I most humbly bow to the voice of the majority. Good bye, now. Off to Siberia.

Cat in the Hat: Twirtled by a fish.

Mr. Krinklebein the Fish: By the way, Cat, just what is a family gredunza?
Cat in the Hat: Oh, they come in all styles from triple-G to minus-aught.
Boy: Is it bigger than a...?
Cat in the Hat: Occasionally, but on most occasions, not.
Sally: Is it smaller than a...?
Cat in the Hat: They no longer make that kind, but one family gredunza is always smaller than another.

Cat in the Hat: When you've mislaid a certain something, keep your cool and don't get hot. Calculatus Eliminatus is the best friend that you've got. Calculatus Eliminatus always helps an awful lot. The way to find a missing something is to find out where it's not.

Cat in the Hat: And what am I in dear old Ireland?
Boy: Why, you're a cate in a kinfert.
Cat in the Hat: And in Holland?
Sally: You're a... let me see... Oh, you're a cat in a hoe.
Cat in the Hat: Glory be!

Cat in the Hat: Very well. I'm a punk. A crotunculous shnunk. Nobody loves me, not one tiny hunk. I agree; I'm a gripulous, gropulous groo. I'm a shmoozler, a shmingler, and a foo-poobler too! I'm a horrendous object, which nobody loves. I'm untouchable, unless you wear anti-sceptical gloves. So what? I'm a punk! A crotunculous shnunk. Nobody loves me, not one tiny hunk. I'm a punk.

Cat in the Hat: Thank you... for a fascinating afternoon.

Cat in the Hat: Now, if I were a fish, where would I hide a moss-covered, three-handled family gredunza?
Boy: Whatever it is, it isn't here.
Sally: And whatever it is, it isn't here.
Cat in the Hat: Wherever it is, it is left in some lurch. Wherever it is, we must speed up the search.
Mr. Krinklebein the Fish: I'll tell you this: it's not in the unabridged dictionary.

Cat in the Hat: [singing] It can be done, it can be done, they can find anything, anything, anything under the sun, if your nerves are getting nervous and your house is topsy tervous they are always at your service, Thing 2 and Thing 1!
Thing 1: [singing] Fish, fish there's always one, some long faced sordid son of a gun!
Thing 2: [singing] There's always some fish, some solitary fish who's only one wish is to threaten the fun!
Thing 1, Thing 2: [both] He doesn't like fun, doesn't like fun, good clean wholesome innocent fun!
Thing 2: [singing] There's always some who doesn't like fun good clean wholesome innocent fun!
Cat in the Hat: [singing] They can find anything, anything, anything, under the sun!
Thing 2: [singing] There's a reactionary fish-faced louse who doesn't like flying kites in the house!
Cat in the Hat: [singing] They can find anything, anything under the sun!


The Grinch Grinches the Cat in the Hat (1982) (TV)
The Cat in the Hat: [to the Grinch] I deeply deplore any inconvenience out of these that I may have caused you Mr... Green Face.
The Grinch: [shocked and angry] Green Face?

The Cat in the Hat: That Grinch. That Grinch! That psychopathic Grinch!
[pacing back and forth]
The Cat in the Hat: Why is a Grinch? What makes him tick? Why is his Grinch brain sick, sick, sick? Oh boy, if I had a psychiatrist couch, I'd find out what's wrong with that Grinchy grouch.
[a thought bubble appears above the Cat. Inside the bubble, the Grinch is seen reclining on a psychiatrist couch]
The Grinch: [in bubble] That's a lot of rot.
The Cat in the Hat: [talking to Grinch in bubble; singsong voice] Is there something in your family tree that causes Grinch delinquency?
The Grinch: Absolutely not.
The Cat in the Hat: As a boy, were you never a good Boy Scout? Did you ever eat too much sauerkraut? Did your schoolteacher say that you were a fool? Did you dive in an empty swimming pool?
The Grinch: Positively not!
The Cat in the Hat: Did you fight a lot with your older sisters? Did you suffer from poison ivy blisters? The shoes that you wore, were they too tight? Were you afraid to go out in the dark at night? Did some big bully steal your kite? Your teeth, was there something wrong with your bite? Or maybe your mother didn't treat you right?
The Grinch: Mama? Absotively, posilutely, that's a lot of rot!
[He reaches out of the bubble and grabs the Cat's hat. He pulls it down over him, hiding his face and most of his body. The thought bubble disappears]
The Cat in the Hat: [muffled] Hmm, one of the most difficult patients I ever had. I'm going to have to make a house call.

The Grinch: [describing his machine that messes up voices] This, sir, is my Acoustical Anti-Audial Bleeper, otherwise known as my Vacu-Sound Sweeper.
The Cat in the Hat: That? That's the darn thing that makes the sounds sound stupid?
The Grinch: It sucks out of the air every noise, every sound and gargles the sound waves for 50 miles 'round! Nifty little contraption, isn't it?
The Cat in the Hat: It's implausible, it's impossible, it's unreasonable and unlausible. Such things never happen in the middle of the day, and if they do, I ignore them, and they're bound to go away.
[the Grinch activates his VacuSound Sweeper, gargling the Cat's dialog]
The Grinch: [cackling] From now on, you will hear what I want you to hear.

The Cat in the Hat: Row-de-dow!

The Cat in the Hat: That Grinch! That Grinch! He's smuggled our light, he's guzzled our sound, he's bamboozled our lives, and a way must be found to cease him from schplotzing his evil around!

The Cat in the Hat: That Grinch... that Grinch! Deep inside his freaky freakness, there must be a soft spot. There must be a weakness. Despite the grim fact that he's depraved and deranged, I will find that soft spot! That Grinch can be changed! He hates cows, he hates cats, he hates frogs, he hates doves! Is there no one, no one, nobody he loves?
The Grinch: [in thought bubble] Absolutely not! That's a lot of rot!
[puts his thumb in his mouth and disappears]
The Cat in the Hat: [suddenly gets an idea] Row-de-dow! I've got it! I've got it! I've got the Grinch psychologicalized!
[points to various people in the restaurant]
The Cat in the Hat: You, you, you, and you! Follow me, men and madame. We're going to ungrinch the Grinch!
[leads everyone out of the restaurant]


Dr. Seuss on the Loose (1973) (TV)
Cat in the Hat: [singing] Oh, I frequently think / every now and then / of the glorious fruit / of the noble hen / Eggs, eggs, E, double-G, S-eggs / My knowledge of eggs / is tremendously wide / I've eaten them boiled, / I've eaten them fried / Poached and shirred / and deviled and scrambled / Hummeled, shmummeled, / cuddled, and frammeled / I've eaten them beaten / and swizzled and swuzzled / Frizzled, cadizzled, bamboozled, and fuzzled / I know every way / that an egg can be guzzled / And thinking of eggs / reminds me of Sam / Whose favorite dish / Is green eggs and ham.

Cat in the Hat: [singing] Oh, beyond the last mountain, / the very last mountain, / beyond the last Zinniga-Zanniga tree, / beyond the last woomf bush, / the very last woomf bush, / there is a vaculous, vacant prarie. / The Prarie of Prax, / and the tale of the Zax.

Cat in the Hat: [singing] Oh, at the edge of each ocean, / you'll always find beaches. / Beautiful, glorious, / florious beaches. / When I meander / on peacefulish beaches, I frequently find myself / thinking of Sneetches.
Sneetch Choir: [singing] Snee... snee... / Did you say sneetches?
Cat in the Hat: [singing] Yes! S, N, double-E, T, C, H, E, S- sneetches!
Sneetch Choir: [singing] S, N, double-E, T, C, H, E, S- sneetches!


The Cat in the Hat (2003) (VG)
Thing 1: Oopie doopie wonga wanga!
The Cat: Oh, come on. Give me a break!