Rick Simon
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Quotes for
Rick Simon (Character)
from "Simon & Simon" (1981)

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"Simon & Simon: Psyched Out (#2.12)" (1983)
Girl going to class: Professor Altman is wonderful. He's really with it, if you know what I mean. Totally. He gave us a lecture on The Who.
Rick Simon: Who?
Girl going to class: Right.

Rick Simon: [after impatiently waiting for his brother's arrival] You sure are slow, A.J. Guess that's why mom had you second.
[Giggles]

Medical Examiner Jerry Reiner: [Poking and prodding Rick on the examination table] How does that feel?
Rick Simon: How does what feel?
Medical Examiner Jerry Reiner: [Looks to A.J] I'm not really used to talking to my patients.

Rick Simon: [Recovered from his delusions] I'll tell you what I'm gonna do. I'm go over there and give Altman a little test of my own, a little five-finger exercise
[clenching fist]
Rick Simon: . Him and Jolly Roger filling me full of joy juice!
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: Well, it's nice to have him back.


"Simon & Simon: The Bare Facts (#3.8)" (1983)
[in camouflage and face paint, Rick and A.J. are on a stakeout of a nudist colony for a client with a missing person case]
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: [Rick is peering through binoculars] What do you see?
Rick Simon: Two heavily-armed naked guys.
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: Heidi wasn't kidding when she talked about security, was she?
Rick Simon: Oh, great. They got a dog. He's naked too.

Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: Alright Rick, you can admit it. You think nudity is dirty, don't you?
Rick Simon: No I don't. Not if it's done right. It's just... nudity is something that ought to be done in private. You know, between two people... in the privacy of their own home... and a magazine.
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: Rick?
Rick Simon: Yeah?
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: If you weren't my brother, I'd be afraid to be sitting here alone in the bushes with you.


"Simon & Simon: D-I-V-O-R-C-E (#5.21)" (1986)
Bud Krelman: [walks into Rick and A.J.'s office] Hiya boys!
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: Uncle Buddy! How nice to see you. What can we do for you?
Bud Krelman: [shakes Rick's hand] Rick, nice to see ya boy. A.J.,
[proceeds to shake A.J.'s hand and notices a shiner and bandage over his eye]
Bud Krelman: holy mackerel!
[clears his throat]
Bud Krelman: I want to hire you fellas. Edie's been cheatin' on me. She just ripped off our joint bank account for five grand and I need your help. I want a divorce.
Rick Simon: [scene cuts to all three walking outside on a sidewalk and a small footbridge] Well, we'd love to help you out Bud but don't you think there's a little bit of conflict of interest here? I mean we are working for Edie.
Bud Krelman: Well, you guys are the only dicks I know.
[short pause]
Bud Krelman: I mean investigators. Anyway, we both got the same lawyer.


"Simon & Simon: The Wrong Stuff (#3.17)" (1984)
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: [finds Rick at his desk with his feet up, reading a paperback] Catching up on our Proust, are we?
Rick Simon: Oh, this is great stuff! It's the story of the nymphomaniac owner of a Hollywood boutique, daughter of an escaped Nazi war criminal who has left her a haunted Mercedes, which may or may not contain the soul of Adolf Hitler.
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: Someone published that?
Rick Simon: Are you kidding me? It's thirteen weeks on the New York Times bestseller list!
Andrew Jackson 'A.J.' Simon: Why am I surprised?


"Simon & Simon: Facets (#5.11)" (1985)
Rick Simon: You feel like Hell. You keep asking yourself: is there anything I could have done differently. And you're mad because the answer keeps comin' up the same: No.
A.J. Simon: That kid is 17 years old. He has his entire life ahead of him and I may have taken it away from him!
Rick Simon: AJ, there is nothing else you could have done!
A.J. Simon: I could have done what you did, held fire.
Rick Simon: This is precisely why they tell you never second-guess yourself in a shooting. Yeah, we could have both held fire. We could both be dead.
A.J. Simon: I've killed two other people in my life. I still have nightmares about it, I see their faces.
Rick Simon: I know.
A.J. Simon: I threw up after the first one.
[long pause]
A.J. Simon: I had no choice then. They were trying to kill me. This... kid. This kid didn't even have a gun. I am supposed to be a trained professional. I should... I should have contained the situation somehow. Instead, I...


"Simon & Simon: The List (#2.18)" (1983)
Rick Simon: Did you know, that if you left a head of lettuce, unwrapped in the refrigerator, that it would disappear completely within two to three months?