Captain Hero
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Quotes for
Captain Hero (Character)
from "Drawn Together" (2004)

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"Drawn Together: Gay Bash (#1.3)" (2004)
Toot Braunstein: [to Xandir] Can't you kill yourself more quietly like Bizarro Captain Hero?
[a body hanging from a tree blows in the breeze]
Captain Hero: Uh... yeah. Killed himself.

Xandir: Good-bye cruel world!
Toot Braunstein: Damn it, Xander, that noise! You're keeping us all awake. Can't you kill yourself more quietly, like Bizzaro Captain Hero did?
[camera pans to Bizzaro Captain Hero, who is hanging dead from the ceiling]
Captain Hero: Uh, yeah, right. Killed himself, tragic!

Bizzaro Captain Hero: Oh, hello, hello Captain Hero! I not see you since initiation into league of heroes.
Captain Hero: Zip it! What happens in Bizzaro World, *stays* in Bizzaro World!
Bizzaro Captain Hero: Well, technically bathroom at bus station not considered Bizzaro World.

Captain Hero: [speaking to the other house guests] Oh, come on! If you're in a bus station and they sell postcards for Bizzaro World, you have to assume you're in Bizzaro World, right? I mean, am I crazy?


"Drawn Together: Lost in Parking Space: Part One (#3.7)" (2006)
Captain Hero: Oh yay! I can't wait to go to Baby Gap, In-N-Out Burger, Foot Locker, and all the other euphemisms for vagina.

Xandir P Whifflebottom: Today's the day you promised we'd all go to the mall together.
Captain Hero: I thought today was the day you were going to shut the fuck up!


"Drawn Together: A Very Special Drawn Together After School Special (#2.13)" (2006)
Wooldoor Sockbat: [the housemates are role-playing, Wooldoor speaks to Xandir] "Now, you be the gay's dad".
Xandir: "Oh, O.K".
[deeper voice]
Xandir: "I love football!"
[slaps Toot, who is Xandir's mother]
Xandir: .
Wooldoor Sockbat: [points to Captain Hero] "And you be the gay".
Captain Hero: [as Xandir's father] "I ain't gonna be no homo!".
Wooldoor Sockbat: "Fine, you be Xandir's mum".
Captain Hero: [as Xandir's mother in a higher voice] "Alright, I'm asking for this!"
[slaps himself]
Captain Hero: .
Toot Braunstein: [Angrily] "Then who the hell am I?".
Wooldoor Sockbat: "You're the homo".
Toot Braunstein: [wistfully] "Can I be the dad?".
Wooldoor Sockbat: "Fine, you be Stan".
Xandir: [confused] "Then who the hell am I?".
Toot Braunstein: [angrily, as Xandir's father] "The queer!"
[punches Captain Hero, who is Xandir's mother]
Toot Braunstein: .
Wooldoor Sockbat: [disappointed] "I wanted to be the queer!".

Captain Hero: I told you not to huff airplane glue when you were pregnant.
Toot Braunstein: At least airplane glue knows how to make me feel good, Zima dick!
Captain Hero: Zima helps me relax!


"Drawn Together: Captain Hero's Marriage Pact (#2.4)" (2005)
Captain Hero: Would you be more comfortable if I broke your arm in three places and wrapped it in 100 dollar bills?
Wooldoor Sockbat: Are you threatening me - or bribing me?
Captain Hero: What an insulting accusation! Take that back before I pull out your spleen and then drive you to the hospital in your... BRAND NEW CAR!

Captain Hero: Don't make me kick your ass!
Wooldoor Sockbat: Don't make me suck your dick!
Captain Hero: Don't make me cuddle you like a baby!
Wooldoor Sockbat: Don't make me suck your dick!


"Drawn Together: The Lemon AIDS Walk (#2.12)" (2006)
Captain Hero: Hey there, bub. I need the strongest stuff you've got.
Vitamin Store Clerk: Well, sir, we've got a terrific line of herbal supplements.
Captain Hero: Herbal? What do I look like to you? Some crazy wacko who'll put anything inside his body, and then take pictures of it coming out, and post them on his website, which gets over 10,000 hits a day--most of them in Germany? Do I? Do I?!


"Drawn Together: Xandir and Tim, Sitting in a Tree... (#2.11)" (2006)
Captain Hero: Something was amiss. Xandir was acting strange, Tim Tommerson was awfully quiet and I noticed that I was getting fucked in the ass more than usual.


"Drawn Together: Captain Girl (#2.9)" (2006)
Captain Hero: [while talking about Hustler magazine] It gives every man x-ray vision, if you know what I mean. Buy a copy and see for yourself.


"Drawn Together: The One Wherein There Is a Big Twist: Part 2 (#2.1)" (2005)
Captain Hero: With my super powers, I could have easily saved my housemates, but I couldn't react. Why? Because I smoke marijuana. Still think drugs are cool?


"Drawn Together: Little Orphan Hero (#2.3)" (2005)
Captain Hero: Please, don't be mean to me. I'm going to be somebody.


"Drawn Together: Alzheimer's That Ends Well (#2.14)" (2006)
Xandir P Whifflebottom: Oh hey, Hero, I was thinking, maybe we should throw Toot a surprise birthday party.
Captain Hero: If we're all gonna shout out what we're thinking, I've been thinking about paying a prostitute to shove bowling pins up my ass!