Huey Freeman
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Quotes for
Huey Freeman (Character)
from "The Boondocks" (2005)

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"The Boondocks: Granddad's Fight (#1.4)" (2005)
Uncle Ruckus: Ah, between me and you, your granddaddy shouldn't be too worried. Everybody knows niggas can't fight.
Huey: I'm sorry?
Uncle Ruckus: You heard me, nigga, niggas can't fight. They don't possess the strength of character or the mental quickness to be a great fighter. That's why all the best fighters in the world have always been white men. Jack Dempsey, Rocky Marciano, Sly-vester Stallone, and don't forget Ralph Macchio! Name me one great, black, heavyweight fighter. Name one, go ahead, try, name one. See there? Ya can't do it. What, what what, what? Oh, oh, oh, oh you wanna pull Ali out yo' ass? That what you thinkin' 'bout? Muhammad Ali? Well, if that nigga so tough, then why he didn't go to Vietnam? I'll tell you why. 'Cause he was scared, that's why. Shoot. "No Vietnamese ever called me nigga." I call him a nigga eight times before I have breakfast, now what he gon' do? Hold on, I'll make it nine... NIGGA!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I won't fail you - I'm not afraid!
Huey: Oh, you will be. You will be.

Huey: That night I dreamt of a blind swordsman. He knows my every move yet he can not see. As my mind fights to make sense of the impossible, he has turned my sight into a liability. He has no just cause to want my life. There is no forethought, no logic in his actions. This isn't just any swordsman. This is the blind nigga samurai.
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: What's good, nigga? What's really good?
Huey: [wakes up in a cold sweat] Niggas!

Huey: He believed it was his love of hatred that kept him going.

Huey: You know, we could all be reading a book right now.

Huey: Watch closely. You are about to experience a "nigga moment". Webster defines the "nigga moment" as a moment when ignorance overwhelms the mind of an otherwise logical Negro male. Causing him to act in an illogical, self-destructive manner... i.e. like a nigga.

Huey: If Nigga Moments had their own category, Nigga Moments would be the third leading killer of black men behind pork chops and F.E.M.A. It's a fact.

Huey: I've said it before, expensive sneakers are like a $150 land mines. Step on one and BOOM! A perfectly rational black man can explode.

Riley Freeman: [after Granddad knocks Stinkmeaner out] Dang, Granddad! You ain't have to kill'im!

Huey: Stinkmeaner got no pleasure seeing sunsets or trees, dolphins or rainbows.
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Looking at a rainbow over a sunset over the ocean with dolphins] Man, this some ol' bullshit!

"The Boondocks: The Garden Party (#1.1)" (2005)
Granddad: Nigga, if you ruin this party for me, I'll put my...
Huey: Ruin the party? They love me. These people aren't worried about us. They're not worried about anything. They're rich. No matter what happens, these people just keep applauding.
Uncle Ruckus: Attention please. Attention please. My name is Uncle Ruckus, no relation. I want to sing y'all a brand new song I just wrote called "Don't Trust Them New Niggers Over There". Sing along if you know the words.
Uncle Ruckus: Don't trust them new niggers over there / Leaving they nigger essence in the air / Them happy, nappy head niggers / With they finger on the trigger / Don't trust them new niggers over there / Don't trust them big nostrils over yonder / They suck up so much air it'll make you wonder / Don't them new niggers / With they spidey little nigger figures / Don't trust them new niggers over there.
[falls off stage]
Rich Woman: I think the N-word is OK as long as they say it.
[crowd applauds]
Huey: See?

Huey Freeman: [at a party full of white people] Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9/11. Thank you for your time and good night.
[the white people riot]
Rich Woman: It can't be true!
[Granddad smacks Huey on the head; he was dreaming]
Huey Freeman: Ow!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Mm-hmm. You were havin' that dream where you made the white people riot again, weren't you?
Huey Freeman: But I was tellin' the truth!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: How many times have I told you you bet' not even dream of tellin' white folk the truth? You understand me? Shoot... makin' white people riot. You better learn how to lie like me. I'm gonna find me a white man and lie to him right now.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [looking at the boys' BB gun] This damn thing looks real!
[the gun goes off and shoots Riley]
Riley Freeman: Owww! Son of a - ! Granddad shot me! Granddad tried to 'sassinate me!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: There's a new white man out here! He's refined. For example, did you know that the new white man loves gourmet cheese?
Huey Freeman: Wait, I'm sorry. Did you say "cheese"?
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Yup, cheese. You give the meanest white man a piece of cheese and he turn into Mr. Rogers.
Huey Freeman: Granddad, that doesn't make sense.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Don't you talk back to me, boy!
Huey Freeman: Granddad, you can't tame the white supremacist power structure with cheese!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Oh, yes I can!
Huey Freeman: No, you can't!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Yes, I can!
Huey Freeman: No, you can not!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Y'all need to start appreciating your Grandaddy! I went and spent your inheritance on this beautiful house in this neighborhood! And all I ask you to do is act like you got some class...
Riley Freeman: [whispers to Huey] Ay, what's "class"?
Huey Freeman: It means don't act like niggas.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: See! That's what I'm talking about right there! We don't use the N-word in this house!
Huey Freeman: Granddad, you said the word "nigga" 46 times yesterday. I counted.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Nigga, hush!

Riley Freeman: Are you sure that vest will stop this shotgun?
Ed Wuncler III: Man, I'm like the Terminator in this vest.
[guzzles an entire beer and burps]
Ed Wuncler III: What, you don't believe me? Go 'head! Pull the trigger!
Riley Freeman: Now, are you sure that...
Ed Wuncler III: I said pull the trigger NOW!
Riley Freeman: You wanna play rough? OK. Say hello to my little friend.
[Riley fires; Ed is shot out the window and lands in the crowd outside]
Ed Wuncler III: The fuck y'all lookin' at?
[rich crowd applauds]

Huey: Granddad, I do not sip tea with the enemy. You could force me to go. But you can not force me to be someone I'm not.
Granddad: The hell I can't! You gonna go and you not gonna embarrass me in front of my new neighbors or I'm gonna beat yo' ass!
Riley: Why can't we be ourselves, huh? Why can't I be me? Are you ashamed of us?
Granddad: Very!

Huey: And all I'm saying is, Ronald Reagan was the devil.
Rich Man: You are such an articulate young man.
Huey: I'm trying to explain to you that Ronald Reagan was the devil! Ronald Wilson Reagan? Each of his names have six letters? 666? Man, doesn't that offend you?
Rich Man: I love this kid!
[rich crowd smiles and applauds]
Huey: Hey, what are you doing? Stop that!

Huey Freeman: I'm tryin' to explain to you that Ronald Reagan was the devil. Ronald Wilson Reagan? Each of his names has six letters? 6-6-6? Man, doesn't that offend you?

Huey Freeman: Excuse me. Everyone, I have a brief announcement to make. Jesus was black, Ronald Reagan was the devil, and the government is lying about 9-11. Thank you for your time and good night.

"The Boondocks: A Date with the Health Inspector (#1.5)" (2005)
Tom Dubois: Earliest I could get out would be on Monday.
Huey Freeman: Well, it's just the weekend.
Tom Dubois: It only takes one night to get anally raped! Huey, the only way for me to get out of here is if you find to the real killer tonight.
Huey Freeman: The real killer? Nigga, I'm 10! How am I gonna find the real killer?
Tom Dubois: Please! You've gotta try!
Huey Freeman: All right, all right, all right. Damn.
Tom Dubois: [sobbing] Thank you, Huey. Whatever you do, don't tell my baby Jazmine! I don't know want her to know her daddy was somebody's biiiiiiiiiitch!
Jazmine Dubois: Was that Daddy? Where is he? Is he OK? Was he kidnapped by terrorists?
Huey Freeman: Um, your father wants you to know he's nobody's bitch.
[Jazmine sobs hysterically]

Huey Freeman: Well, this is the apartment building where it all happened. Maybe someone saw something.
Ed Wuncler III: Oh, somebody saw somethin' all right.
Huey Freeman: Hey, slow down. We gotta be tactful.
Ed Wuncler III: Tactful? What that mean?
Gin Rummy: He talkin' about diplomacy.
[cocks gun]
Gin Rummy: I don't do diplomacy.

Gin Rummy: I ain't think that they'd actually shoot back at us.
Huey Freeman: Well of course they're shooting back at us! You're robbing their store!
Gin Rummy: You can't assume that people are going to shoot back at you. It was an unknown unknown.
Huey Freeman: Need I remind you that this has nothing to do with our original plan?
Gin Rummy: Damn it, Huey! Robbery etiquette says you can't criticize a robbery plan during the actual robbery. You have to wait till the robbery's over.

Tom Dubois: Huey, I got arrested! They say I fit the description. I think it's 'cause I'm black, Huey. You have to get me outta here, Huey! You don't wanna know what they'll do to me in jail!
Huey Freeman: They'll rape you. That's what they're gonna do. But you're not in jail. You're in holding and I don't think people usually get raped in holding. Hold on.
[calls out]
Huey Freeman: Granddad! Do people get raped in holding?
[Jazmine sobs hysterically]

Ed Wuncler III: Look! He got a weapon!
Gin Rummy: Whoa, wait a minute now. Put the gun down.
Store Owner: Gun? What gun? I'm not holding gun. Guys, it's me. Ed, your father helped me build this store.
Gin Rummy: I don't know you, motherfucker! Now, put down the weapon! Put it down!
Store Owner: There is no weapon! Look!
Gin Rummy: Drop the weapon!
Officer Frank: I... I don't see a weapon!
Huey Freeman: There is no weapon! They're robbin' the store!
Store Owner: I am not holding a weapon! I am not holding a weapon!
Gin Rummy: Officer, this motherfucker's got a gun pointed at you! Do you wanna die?
Officer Frank: What?
Gin Rummy: Do you want to die?
Officer Frank: I... I don't want to die!
Huey Freeman: He does not have a gun!
Gin Rummy: He does have a gun, officer, trust me! The absence of evidence is not the evidence of absence!
Officer Frank: I don't see a gun!
Ed Wuncler III: Man, fuck this shit! Who's side are you on? Mine, or this motherfucker who's obviously of terrorist descent?
Officer Frank: Wait... I think I can see the gun now.
Gin Rummy: Good! Now we all see the weapon! Now you hand over that weapon on the count of three, or I swear to almighty God, I'll blow your fucking head off! One!
Store Owner: I can't give you a weapon I'm not holding! You're thinking of the Korean store, North of here!
Gin Rummy: Two!
Officer Frank: Is he... still holding it?
Huey Freeman: He is not holding a weapon!
Gin Rummy: Time's up!

Gin Rummy: Ain't nobody seen nothin'.
Huey Freeman: I know who did the killing! I've known for twenty minutes. Guy's name is Terrell Jackson; he's been bragging about it all day. Everybody knows. He lives five minutes away. I've got MapQuest directions right here.
Ed Wuncler III: How'd you find all this out?
Huey Freeman: We talked to people!
Riley: [holds up a drawing] I got a picture.
Gin Rummy: Where you get that?
Riley: I drew it from the description of the dude that they gave us while y'all was whuppin' niggas asses in the street. I almost had time to color it.

"The Boondocks: The Real (#1.8)" (2006)
Riley: All I'm saying is when Xzibit brings that car back you gonna be "Bitches".
Granddad: What did you call me?
Riley: No, no, I mean "Bitches" like you gonna have so many bitches that's what niggas is gonna call you. No disrespect.
Huey: No disrespect? You just called your grandfather "Bitches"!
Riley: Yeah, but I don't mean bitches in a disrespectful way. I mean it as a general word for women.
Huey: And you're gonna let him get away with that?
Granddad: It's OK. Just this once.
Riley: Granddad, I'm just sayin' you might have to change your middle name from Jebediah to Bitches. Is all I'm tryin' to say. No disrespect.
Granddad: Hmm, Granddad "Bitches" Freeman. Hoo! Gotta nice ring to it.

Huey: There ain't no such thing as a tooth fairy.
Jazmine Dubois: Then who leaves the money?
Huey: Probably your parents. They have both the cash and the access to your room.
Jazmine Dubois: Why would they lie to me?
Huey: Because the truth hurts, Jazmine. The world is a hard and lonely place and nobody gets anything for free. And you want to know what else? One day, you and everyone you know is gonna die.
[Jazmine cries and runs away]

Jazmine Dubois: You can believe in secret agents but I can't believe in the tooth fairy? That's messed up, Huey!
Huey: Go... eat something out of a dumpster, you street urchin!

Huey: Obi-Wan Kenobi once said: "Your eyes can deceive you, don't trust them." Seems to be getting harder distinguishing reality from the illusions that people make for us OR from the ones that we make for ourselves... I don't know, maybe that's part of the plan. To make me think I'm crazy.
[sees the white shadow and then he disappears]
Huey: ... It's working.

Interviewer: OK, so tell us a little bit about yourself.
Huey: I'm the founder of 23 different radical leftist organizations including the Africans Fighting Racism and Oppression or AFRO, if you will, uh, the Black Revolutionary Organization or BRO, uh... and also the Black Revolutionary Underground Heroes...
Interviewer: Um, BRUH?
Huey: Yeah, BRUH.

Huey: I've come up with a name for you... The White Shadow.
The White Shadow: I'm white. I'm shadowing you. Yes, that's brilliant.

"The Boondocks: Guess Hoe's Coming to Dinner (#1.3)" (2005)
Riley: Well, I don't see what big deal is with hos, anyway.
Huey: Riley! All women are not hos! We're talkin' 20... 25 per cent tops.

Huey Freeman: Don't take this the wrong way, but... I need you to get the hell up outta here.
Cristal: Any particular reason?
Huey Freeman: You're kind of a lazy ho?
Cristal: Yeah, I could see that.
Huey Freeman: I don't know why my Granddad can't see it.
Cristal: To be honest, me either. It's so obvious.

Cristal: The name's Cristal, you know like the Champagne.
Huey Freeman: Cristal, that sounds like a stripper name. Might you be a stripper, Cristal like the champagne?
Cristal: And what would you know about strippers little man?
Huey Freeman: Not much, but I do know they're usually named after liquor.

Huey: Granddad, have you asked yourself why a 20-year-old girl would wanna go out with a man your age?
Granddad: Because I laid my game down quite flat.
Riley: Game? What you know about the game, Granddad?
Granddad: I know the game.
Riley: Takin' women out to eat, givin' 'em free meals? What part of the game is that? You takin' her to Red Lobster with the cheddar biscuits. The fam ain't eatin' cheddar biscuits but this random broad is eatin' cheddar biscuits.
Riley: I know the game. Your granddaddy knows the game.
Riley: Game recognize game, Granddad.
Granddad: I recognize game! Your granddaddy recognize game!
Riley: Game recognize game and you lookin' kinda unfamiliar right now. I - I can't... Where's Granddad? Can I help you, sir?

Riley Freeman: Game recognizes game and you're looking kinda unfamiliar right now...

Huey: She sure can run in those heels.

"The Boondocks: The Itis (#1.10)" (2006)
Huey: Don't you know CPR?
Lawyer: I'm a lawyer, we don't help people!

Huey: [after Riley has passed out from eating Granddad's "Luther Burger"] Do CPR!
Granddad: [shouts] Riley, wake up!
Huey: Yeah, I'm not sure yelling at him is going to help, Granddad. How do you not know CPR?
Granddad: I tried to learn CPR, but they wouldn't let me... because I was Black.
Huey: What?
Granddad: Oh, sure, nowadays y'all can just run around and learn CPR whenever y'all want to. Just go around savin' lives, resuscitatin' each other willy-nilly. But when I was a young man, it used to be against the law to teach colored folks CPR, OK!
Huey: Man, that's not true!

Riley Freeman: Ewww, Mrs. Dubois, your peach cobbler look like throw-up.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boy!
Riley Freeman: It do! Look! It look like throw up with peas in it. Mrs. Dubois you been eatin' peas?
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boy, come here what wrong with you?
Riley Freeman: What's wrong with *me*? What's wrong with *her*? She the one that brought vomit over here in a tupperware container.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: That is not vomit. It just looks like vomit. Now apologize to Mrs. Dubois.
Riley Freeman: Fine. Mrs. Dubois I'm sorry your peach cobbler looks like vomit with peas.

Tom Dubois: Hey, do I smell pork flavored broccoli?
Sarah Dubois: Hey everyone!
Sarah Dubois: I brought peach cobbler!
Riley Freeman: Ewww! Mrs. Dubois your peach cobbler look like throw up!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: BOY!
Riley Freeman: It do, look! It look like throw-up with peas in it! Mrs. Dubois you've been eating peas?
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [grabs Riley by the arm] Boy come here! What is wrong with you!
Riley Freeman: What's wrong with me? What's wrong with her? She is the one who brought vomit in the container
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: That is not vomit! It just looks like vomit! Now apologize to Mrs. Dubois
Sarah Dubois: [offended] Uh, it's ok! Really!
Riley Freeman: Fine, Mrs. Dubois I'm sorry your peach cobbler looks like vomit with peas!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: DAMN IT BOY!
Sarah Dubois: Guys please, I mean you don't have to!
Riley Freeman: I don't care if you beat me Granddad I won't eat it! That is DISGUSTING!
[Sarah looks offended]
Riley Freeman: It's completely uncalled for
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: You will eat it, if I have to hold you down and shove it down your throat!
Sarah Dubois: Really I didn't mean for it to be.
Riley Freeman: I know what your trying to do! You're trying to kill me! I HATE YOU!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [chases Riley and proceeds to beat him offscreen while the Dubois and Huey look] You are gonna get it!
Riley Freeman: I don't wanna eat the cobbler! I DON'T WANNA EAT THE COBBLER!

Huey: Granddad, you can't serve this kinda food to people. It'll cause... death.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Do you know how long I wanted to own my own restaurant?
Huey Freeman: Three weeks. At Sunday dinner, that was the first time you mentioned it. And you only started doin' the stupid Sunday dinner thing because you saw Soul Food on cable.
[Bell sounds]
Huey Freeman: We're gonna pause this for the benefit of all ya'll that never saw Soul Food. Soul Food is a movie about a big, humongous, black grandmother, aptly named Big Mama. Big Mama demonstrates her love by feeding herself and her offspring enormous amounts of pig lard. Then - get this - Big Mama's arteries are so clogged, they gotta amputate her arm.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: It was her leg!
Huey Freeman: Right, OK, whatever, leg. Then, she dies from a heart attack or another stroke or somethin'. And what does the family do after she dies? They get together for a Sunday dinner and eat the same food that just killed Big Mama. The *same* food. They didn't learn a lesson, nobody went on a diet, and that's the end of the movie.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Sunday dinners was my idea! They got that from me.

"The Boondocks: The Passion of Ruckus (#1.15)" (2006)
Jazmine Dubois: Do you believe in God, Huey? I believe in God.
Riley Freeman: First of all, I'ma live forever! But if I do die, I'm gon' smack God upside the head and gon' tell him to get me a grilled-cheese sandwich and some tacos!
Jazmine Dubois: [to Huey] When I want something or I'm afraid about something, I pray. Have you ever prayed?
Riley Freeman: And I dare God to say somethin'! I'll be like 'Say somethin', God! Say somethin'! Yeah, I thought so!'
Jazmine Dubois: [to Huey] You should pray for Shabazz. God'll get him out of jail. They have to listen to him. He's God!
Riley Freeman: And if God say somethin' I'll be like this:
[punches the air]
Riley Freeman: Take that, God! I'll be beatin' God's jaw like: Pla-kow! Blaow!

Huey Freeman: Operation Black Steel, the mission to liberate Shabazz K. Milton-Berle, was aborted... because I couldn't get a ride.

Huey Freeman: [with tears in his eyes] I never prayed before. I don't even know who I'm praying to. Maybe I'm too young to know what the world is suppose to be... but it is not suppose to be this. It can't be this. So please...

Huey Freeman: Maybe there are forces in this universe we don't understand. But I still believe we make our own miracles.

Huey Freeman: What makes your god any less made up than his?

"The Boondocks: A Huey Freeman Christmas (#1.7)" (2005)
Kid: We were just having a little fun.
Huey: Fun? Do I look like Charlie Brown?...Do I *look* like Charlie Brown? You know what? All of y'all are fired! Get out!
Kid: What? Awww, c'mon.
Huey: Did I stutter?
[Kids groan and then look to Quincy Jones for help]
Quincy Jones: [shrugs] Hey, don't be looking at me.
Huey: Don't look at Quincy Jones! Quincy Jones ain't gonna help you! Get your asses out! *Now*!

Mr. Uberwitz: I would really love to see your vision.
Huey: Vision? What do you know about my vision? My vision would turn your world upside-down, tear asunder your illusions and the sanctuary of your own ignorance crashing down around you. Ask yourself... are you really ready to see that vision?

Huey Freeman: They gon' fire you.
Mr. Uberwitz: For what?
Huey Freeman: For being an irresponsible white person.

Huey: I just told you the whole history of Christmas.
Granddad: But it was boooorrrrinnggg, Huey. You're just blah, blah, gay sex, blah, blah, Congress!

"The Boondocks: Let's Nab Oprah (#1.11)" (2006)
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boys! What the hell?
Riley: I ain't doing nothing, granddad. I was just gon go to Ed's house and Huey said I couldn't go 'cause he a hater.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: What the hell is wrong with you Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy, that's his business.
Huey Freeman: Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
Riley: There he go hatin' again!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boy! Stop hatin'!
Huey Freeman: What about the time when Riley and Ed were playing with a loaded shot gun and Riley shot Ed out of a second story window?
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: That did happen, didn't it.
Riley: Okay, so just 'cause Ed believes in the second amendment right to bare arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the Bill of Rights, Huey?
Huey Freeman: Okay, how about the time they stopped for gas and ended up robbing the Mini-Mart?
Riley: They was fighting terrorism! Make the world safe for the freedoms we enjoy today. That's messed up. You don't support the troops, Huey.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: That is kinda messed up, Huey... be back by dinner.

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [Huey and Riley are fighting until Granddad intervenes] Boys! What the hell?
Riley: I ain't doing nothing Granddad, I was just gonna go to Ed's house, and Huey, said I couldn't go cause he a hater
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: What the hell is wrong with you Huey? If your brother wants to play with Ed and Rummy that's his business.
Huey Freeman: Granddad! Ed and Rummy are international criminals!
Riley: There he goes hatin' again!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Boy! Stop hatin!
Huey Freeman: What about the time when Ed and Riley were playing with a loaded shotgun and Riley shot Ed out of a second story window.
[flashback to Riley who shoots Ed and falls from the building, he wore a body armor]
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Oh, that did happen, didn't it?
Riley: Ok, so just cause Ed believes in second amendment right to bear arms, we can't be friends? What you got against the bill of rights Huey?
Huey Freeman: Ok, how about the time he stopped for gas, and ended up robbing the mini-mart
[flashback to Ed and Rummy's raid at the mini mart]
Riley: They was fightin' terrorism, making the world safe for the freedom we enjoy today. That's messed up, you don't support the troops Huey!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: That is kind of messed up Huey.
[to Riley]
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Be back by dinner.

[repeated line]
Riley Freeman: Y'all niggas are gay.

"The Boondocks: Riley Wuz Here (#1.12)" (2006)
Huey Freeman: Is the cop here for me or him?
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Your brother was caught doing grafitti on... wait. Why would he be here for you?
Huey Freeman: Uh, no reason.

Huey Freeman: OK... Niggerize Me.

Riley Freeman: Now, I know dis is gonna come as a huge surprise to everyone, but I'm da artist. That's right, people. I know, amazin', ain't it? So young, so young.

"The Boondocks: Wingmen (#1.13)" (2006)
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Huey, say something deep.
Huey Freeman: Huh?
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I ain't got all day, boy. Be deep.
Huey Freeman: [sighs] "Your pain is the breaking of the shell that encloses your understanding. It is the bitter potion by which the physician within you heals your sick self. Therefore, trust the physician and drink his remedy in silence and tranquility." - Khalil Gibran
Dewey: Didn't rhyme.

Riley Freeman: [after Dewey's poem] BOOOO! Ay, Erykah Ba-Dewey! That was real gay, my nigga! Cut that out!
Cairo: Shut up Riley!
Huey Freeman: What's wrong with you, Cairo? That nigga's corny!
Cairo: Corny? Nigga, you're corny! At least he's here! Why don't you go follow yo punk ass grandaddy back to Whitesville, fake nigga!
[Huey punches Cairo and they fight; Riley glares at Dewey and Dewey runs away]
Riley Freeman: Don't run nigga, I see you!

Huey Freeman: Being the bigger man is overrated.

"The Boondocks: ...Or Die Trying (#2.1)" (2007)
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [to Riley] Make sure you pee before we leave. I ain't going to miss my movie going to the bathroom with you. I'mma let you go in there by yourself and get molested by a nasty white man.
[to Huey]
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: What's wrong with you?
Huey Freeman: I don't wanna go to the movies.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Why not?
Huey Freeman: I don't ever wanna go to the movies with you again. Not after what happened last time.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: What happened last time?
Huey Freeman: We got arrested... and shot at.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Haa racism.
Jazmine Dubois: Daddy said I can go the movies, but he said I'm not allowed to see soul plane.
Huey Freeman: Good, you don't wanna go to the movies with him. He's crazy.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Hush! You can't see soul plane? Why, lil baby?
Jazmine Dubois: Because of the types of stereos or something.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Types of stereos? Oh, no no no, lil baby doll. This is a good theater. They have THX.
Huey Freeman: She means stereotypes.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Stereotypes? In soul plane? That's nonsense. Say how about we tell your daddy we saw something else. Hm?
Jazmine Dubois: [gasps] You mean, lie?
Huey Freeman: That really doesn't seem to be a good idea.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Hush boy. You know, it's okay to break the rules every once and a while. I won't tell if you won't.
Jazmine Dubois: Okay.
Huey Freeman: [narrating] Sometimes I think Granddad may be a bad influence.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Hey Riley, don't forget the camcorder.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Now the first soul plane was funny.
Huey Freeman: About as funny as a lynching.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Hush boy, you ain't even see it.
Huey Freeman: I never seen a lynching either, but I know they're not funny.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: See! Shows what you know. I've seen funny lynchings.

Uncle Ruckus: You mean we gon' let this African hooligan nigga go unpunished?
Jazmine Dubois: You have problems Mr. Freeman and you need help.
Huey Freeman: Thanks for coming back, eventually.
Riley Freeman: Yo, you need to stop snitching, granddad.
[gets smacked by granddad]
Riley Freeman: Hey! Won't you call Social Services and turn yourself in for child abuse?
[gets smacked again by granddad]

Jazmine Dubois: [as they leave for the movie] This is gonna be so much fun!
Huey Freeman: This is going to be the worst day of your life. I'm bringing nunchucks.

"The Boondocks: It's a Black President, Huey Freeman (#3.1)" (2010)
Werner Herzog: So then, now that it looks like Obama is going to win, as a black African negro, are you merely excited, or are you extremely excited that everything is going to change forever?
Huey Freeman: Ehh.
Werner Herzog: I felt my sphincter clench and my scrotum contract in shock at his response.

Werner Herzog: So, if the election is fake, what is really going on?
Huey Freeman: The end of America.
Werner Herzog: I felt despair so terrible that I briefly consider slitting my own wrists, or bludgeoning myself about the head with a steel pipe or baseball bat. But I brought no blade, no pipe, no bat.

Werner Herzog: What is wrong with letting people be happy? Can too much hope possibly be a bad thing?
Huey Freeman: Hope... is irrational.
Werner Herzog: [narrating] In Bavaria we have a saying: "Der Junge ist ja total bedient." It means "This is the most depressing fucking kid I've ever met in my life".

"The Boondocks: The Story of Gangstalicious (#1.6)" (2005)
Riley: Gangstalicious got shot.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Again?
Riley: We got to do somethin'!
Huey: I got an idea - why don't we go to college so we don't end up like Gangstalicious?

Sway: [on TV] We now return to "Gangstalicious: Resurrection".
Huey: Resurrection? That nigga ain't dead.
Riley: Shhh! He been shot a buncha times, aight? At least he tryin'!

Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I don't see what the big deal is with this... what is it "Bubblelicious"
Huey: It's Gangstalicious. Dumb niggas love Gangstalicious the way fat women love Oprah.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: And just WHAT is thuggin' love? Is that when you make love to a woman... and just before that special moment you beat her in the head, snatch her purse, and throw her down the stairs?

"The Boondocks: Stinkmeaner Strikes Back (#2.4)" (2007)
Huey Freeman: This isn't an exorcism - it's a beating.
Uncle Ruckus: Sometimes there is very little difference.

Tom Dubois: [Somebody takes Tom's parking space] Oh come on! You ni... ncompoop! You Can't do that! Hey!
Huey Freeman: [narrating] A Nigga moment can happen to any Black man at any time
Tom Dubois: Hey! That was my space! I had my Blinker on and everything!
Man in Parking lot: Fuck you, Punk-ass, Pussy-ass, Bitch-ass Nigga! I'll get your motherfuckin' seditty ass, Nigga! Don't ever in your life try to holla at me! Fuck with me, Nigga I'll pop a trunk on your bitch ass, Nigga. Get my motherfuckin' Uzi...
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: [Begins to Possess Tom] What did you say, NIGGA?
Man in Parking lot: You know what, motherfucker? Eat a dick Nigga! I'm tired of this mother...
[Tom, possessed by Stinkmeaner, kicks him in his chest]
Colonel H. Stinkmeaner: Oh yeah! Look at you! You was poppin' all that good shit a second ago then you got kicked in yo' chest! You eat a dick, nigga! *You* eat a dick!
Tom Dubois: [returns to normal in realization of what he's done] Oh, my god! Sir, are you okay? Who did this to you? What did he look like?
[yells out to parking lot]
Tom Dubois: Did anyone see who accosted this man?

"The Boondocks: Return of the King (#1.9)" (2006)
Huey: [narrating] Dr. King looked out at his people and saw they were in great need. So he did what all great leaders do: he told them the truth.
Martin Luther King: [shouts] Will you ignorant niggas *please* shut the hell up?

Huey: Dr King, wake up. You have an interview today.
Martin Luther King: I'm not going. I quit.
Huey: Dr. King!
Martin Luther King: I don't wanna! Mm-mmm!
Huey: Dr. Martin Luther King, Jr! You come out of that room and continue to fight for freedom and justice this instant!

"The Boondocks: The Block Is Hot (#1.14)" (2006)
Jazmine Dubois: Oh, you think ponies grow on trees?
Huey Freeman: What kind of question is that? It's a large 4-legged mammal.
Jazmine Dubois: Or maybe I'm just supposed to wait until I'm an old woman before I get my pony. How am I going to look, Huey, a 65 year-old woman riding a pony?

Ed Wuncler: I admire entrepreneurship in young people.
Huey Freeman: You mean like them 12-year-old girls that work in your sweatshops in Indonesia?
Ed Wuncler: That's right, every morning I wake up and put one foot on the ground and the other up the ass of a 12 year-old Indonesian girl.

"The Boondocks: The Story of Catcher Freeman (#2.12)" (2008)
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: It was love at first sight. He was tall, he was handsome, his trapezius muscles rippled through his shirt.
Riley Freeman: Alright, Granddad, damn, you're making me uncomfortable.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Catcher Freeman was a sexy man!

Huey Freeman: [checking the internet to find the truth about Catcher Freeman] Excuse me, everyone. I think we can resolve this quickly. Catcher Tobias Lynchwater, better known as Catcher Freeman, was a house slave on Colonel Lynchwater's plantation. He was also Colonel Lynchwater's son, although the Colonel never claimed him.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Wait, what? Master's son? Uh uh. No, no, no, that can't be!
Huey Freeman: He is believed to have written the first screenplay in secret, several years before the invention of the motion picture industry.
Uncle Ruckus: What website is that?

"The Boondocks: Stinkmeaner 3: The Hateocracy (#3.5)" (2010)
George Pissedofferson: Well, well, well. We came a long way to kill you little nigglets. Now it's time for the BIG BONANZAAAA!
Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: [takes a fighting stance] You know that this is, suckas!
Riley Freeman: [Huey and Riley just stare. Riley starts laughing] Yo! You see these two old ass niggas?
[Huey still glares at them and then grabs Riley]
Riley Freeman: Come on!
Riley Freeman: Yo! Why we runnin'?
[Pissedofferson and Gripenasty athletically leap several feet in the air over the brothers]
Lady Esmeralda Gripenasty: Yeah, motherfucker!
[while airborne. Both then land conveniently in front of the Freeman boys]
Riley Freeman: Damn! Them ol' niggas can jump!
[the two charge Huey and Riley, who split up, and a fight ensues]

Huey Freeman: You killed a man in defense of your ego.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Tough titty for him! He's dead and I'm goin' fishin'!

"The Boondocks: The Trial of Robert Kelly (#1.2)" (2005)
Huey: What the hell is wrong with you people? Every famous nigga that gets arrested is not Nelson Mandela! Yes, the government conspires to put a lot of innocent black men in jail on fallacious charges. But R. Kelly is *not* one of those men! We all *know* the nigga can sing, but what happened to standards? What happened to bare minimums? Are you a fan of R. Kelly? You wanna help R. Kelly? Get some counseling for R. Kelly! Introduce him to some older women! Hide his camcorder! But don't pretend that the man is a hero!... And stop the damn dancing! Act like you've got some goddamn sense, people! Damn! I'm through playing around here!

Tom Dubois: [about the R. Kelly sex tape] Riley, she was a little girl.
Riley: Oh, I saw that girl. She wasn't little. I'm little. Gary Coleman's little. Mini-Me is little. And to the best of my knowledge, we all managed to avoid gettin' peed on so far!
Tom Dubois: But what about the victim!
Riley: Oh yes! The victim. At what point does personal responsibility become a factor in this equation? I see piss comin' I run. She saw piss comin' she stayed. And why should I miss out on the next R. Kelly album *just* fo' that?
[walks away]
Huey: Man, you just beat by an eight-year old.
Riley: [from afar] And if R. Kelly goes to jail, I'ma piss on yo' cat!

"The Boondocks: The Fund-Raiser (#3.7)" (2010)
Riley Freeman: [voiceover] Cindy MacPhearson, AKA C-Murder. She had the whole Girl Scout cookie game on lock.
Girl Scout #1: What up, Cindy? Yo, I just seen this kid over there, right over there around the corner over there, and I know she ain't down with your team.
Cindy McPhearson: Who?
Girl Scout #1: I don't know. Some skinny big-headed bitch.
Cindy McPhearson: Word? Come on.
[they confront the rival Girl Scout]
Riley Freeman: [voiceover] She wasn't like Jazmine and Phil. Cindy was a G.
Cindy McPhearson: What you think you're doin' here?
Rival Girl Scout: You talkin' to me?
Cindy McPhearson: Yeah, I'm talkin' to you! Open your bag! What's in your bag? I'll kill you, bitch!
[slaps her]
Girl Scout #1: Get her, Cindy, get her!
[the girls grab the screaming rival's bag and restrain her while Cindy keeps slapping her]
Girl Scout #1: C'mere! C'mere!
Riley Freeman: [voiceover] But what I really liked about her was that she had less compassion than the average girl.
Cindy McPhearson: [shoves the fleeing girl with her foot] Take off, bitch! This is *my* street!

Riley Freeman: Look, fuck you, fuck the plane you flew in on, fuck them shoes, fuck those socks with the belt on it, fuck your gay-ass fairy faggot accent, fuck them cheap-ass cigars, fuck your yuck-mouth teeth, fuck your hairpiece, fuck your chocolate, fuck Guy Ritchie, fuck Prince William, fuck the Queen. This is America. My president is black and my Lambo is blue, nigga. Now, get the fuck out my hotel room and if I see you in the street, I'm slapping the shit out of you.

"The Boondocks: Tom, Sarah and Usher (#2.2)" (2007)
Riley Freeman: [laughs at Tom] Usher? That dick is *my* age!
Tom Dubois: So, you guys don't think I'm overreacting?
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: I don't think so. You a big-time lawyer, and Sarah's acting all crazy over an usher?
Huey Freeman: Not *an* usher. Usher, he's a singer.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Ushers ain't supposed to sing. You can't hear the movie!

"The Boondocks: A Date with the Booty Warrior (#3.9)" (2010)
1st Prisoner: You know about that?
Huey Freeman: Yes.
1st Prisoner: Oh, you know about that? Tell me what you know about that! Tell me what you think about that!
Huey Freeman: The prison-industrial complex is a system situated at the intersection of government and private interests. It uses prisons as a solution to social, political, and economic problems. It includes human rights violations, the death penalty, slave labor, policing, courts, the media, political prisoners, and the elimination of dissent.

"The Boondocks: The Story of Thugnificent (#2.5)" (2007)
Riley Freeman: [watching Thugnificent's arrival in the neighborhood] Man, I wanna go over there, but I don't wanna dick-ride, you know. Would that be dick-riding, you think? To go over there?... Alright, what if I just go over there and give him a pounding, and be like, 'What up, Thugnificent,' like not really on his sack or nothin'. Yeah.

"The Boondocks: Shinin' (#2.7)" (2007)
Riley Freeman: I can't wait for people to start hating, I can't wait!
Huey Freeman: So you judge your success by the amount of ill will you generate from those around you.
Riley Freeman: Hey, if people aren't mad at you, you're doing something wrong.
Huey Freeman: By that definition then, you have a very bright future.
Riley Freeman: Thanks man.

"The Boondocks: Thank You for Not Snitching (#2.3)" (2007)
Riley Freeman: I don't snitch! I can't talk to the Po-po.
Huey Freeman: You can tell Granddad, he's not the police.
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Yeah boy. You can tell me.
Riley Freeman: Do you promise not to tell nobody?
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: Of course I promise. I swear on your life.
Riley Freeman: [pause] You lyin'! That's messed-up, Granddad!
Robert 'Granddad' Freeman: [grabs Riley by the shoulders] Boy, you tell me who stole my car!