Spence Olchin
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Quotes for
Spence Olchin (Character)
from "The King of Queens" (1998)

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"The King of Queens: Shear Torture (#8.6)" (2005)
[Spence has decided not to take Lou Ferrigno to a Sci-Fi convention because Adam West agreed to go]
Adam West: If you ran into Bill Shatner this morning, would you have dumped me too?
Spence Olchin: I want to say "no," but I'm so weak.
Adam West: This is why me, Lou, Bill, and Lee Majors look out for each other. To protect ourselves from pasty-faced opportunists such as yourself.

Spence Olchin: Yeah, Fantasy Fest '05 is a geekfest. That's why 3 different hobbits are showing up.


"The King of Queens: Hungry Man (#1.21)" (1999)
[Arthur is playing chess by himself in the basement and hears Spence entering the kitchen]
Arthur Spooner: Come down here and play with me, I'm tired of playing with myself.
Spence Olchin: Pardon?


"The King of Queens: Doug Less I (#6.1)" (2003)
Danny Heffernan: [Danny and Spence are housesitting for Doug and Carrie and are fighting over who gets the bed. Danny is already in bed and Spence threatens to get into bed with him] Fine, bring it. What's taking so long?
Spence Olchin: [Starts disrobing] You think I'm going to let one uncomfortable camp experience keep me out of this bed, you are wrong. Alright, I'm getting in and I'm not getting out.
Danny Heffernan: Great. Still want to stay? Because I sleep freestyle.
[Reaches under the sheets, pulls off his underpants, and flings them across the room]
Spence Olchin: You know what?
[Reaches under the sheets, pulls off his underpants and drops them on the bedspread]
Spence Olchin: So do I. Ah, ooh, that's good.
Danny Heffernan: [They slowly realize that neither one of them are wearing underpants] We may have wandered down a bad road here.


"The King of Queens: Sold-Y Locks (#8.18)" (2006)
Arthur Spooner: Why are you late?
Spence Olchin: You called me 10 minutes ago and told me to be here in 10 minutes.
Arthur Spooner: I've had enough of your excuses.


"The King of Queens: Baker's Doesn't (#8.11)" (2005)
Arthur Spooner: I'll handle the lyrics, and you look like the sort who can write music.
Spence Olchin: What's that supposed to mean?
Arthur Spooner: I think you know what that means, Mr. 'I just haven't found the right girl yet.'


"The King of Queens: Present Tense (#8.17)" (2006)
Spence Olchin: We should've robbed this house 45 minutes ago.
Danny Heffernan: I had to get my allergy shot.
Spence Olchin: We're not robbing a cat!


"The King of Queens: Emotional Rollercoaster (#8.19)" (2006)
Spence Olchin: Danny and I are going to check out the Haunted Castle.
Danny Heffernan: Yeah, scared chicks are very approachable.


"The King of Queens: Head First (#1.6)" (1998)
Spence Olchin: Oh, I feel like Anne Frank.


"The King of Queens: Screwed Driver (#4.19)" (2002)
Spence Olchin: [to Doug's mother] Excuse me, Mrs. Heffernan; can I use the restroom?
Joe Heffernan: Oh, no; here we go again.
Spence Olchin: Wait a minute; first, I didn't know you were home that day, second, Victoria Principal was on the cover of the new 'People' and third, what kind of man owns a hardware store and doesn't put locks on the bathroom door?


"The King of Queens: Affair Trade (#9.2)" (2006)
Spence Olchin: I was in the other day. I told her I was allergic to peanuts, and Sienna remembered.
Danny Heffernan: That doesn't mean she's into you, alright. It means she doesn't want to have to open your throat with a pen.


"The King of Queens: Fixer Upper (#1.12)" (1998)
Spence Olchin: [following allergic reaction] I must look great.
Jenny: Actually, you're kind of cute when you're not convulsing.
Spence Olchin: That's almost half the time.


"The King of Queens: Offensive Fowl (#9.8)" (2007)
[Spence enters carrying a large sign]
Deacon Palmer: How's the new job?
Spence Olchin: How do you think it's going? I stand all day on the sidewalk carrying this.
Danny Heffernan: Yeah, well, at least no one's peeing on you like when you worked in the subway.
Spence Olchin: Heh. Guess again.


"The King of Queens: Pole Lox (#8.1)" (2005)
Spence Olchin: Where do you want to go for dinner? Can I talk you into Ethiopian?
Arthur Spooner: I'm not in the mood for gazelle, thank you.


"The King of Queens: Food Fight (#4.13)" (2002)
Spence Olchin: [about Arthur] I can't believe he's never seen 'The Wizard of Oz'.
Carrie Heffernan: So, how are you liking it so far, dad?
Arthur Spooner: [Scared on seeing the film] Is anyone else but me terrified?


"The King of Queens: Dog Shelter (#5.23)" (2003)
Denise: Yeah, it's, um, it's really great to meet you, Mrs. Olchin. Spence is just such a wonderful guy.
Veronica Olchin: You can thank me for that. He was a little bastard as a kid, till I spanked it outta him.
Denise: Great. Thank you.
Veronica Olchin: I smacked his bottom so red, it looked like an Indian's ass.
Spence Olchin: Mom!
Veronica Olchin: Excuse me! Native American's ass.