Deacon Palmer
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Quotes for
Deacon Palmer (Character)
from "The King of Queens" (1998)

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"The King of Queens: Affair Trade (#9.2)" (2006)
Doug Heffernan: She called last night and, uh, well, we talked.
Deacon Palmer: Well, why didn't you just tell her you weren't the same guy?
Doug Heffernan: I tried, but Carrie was standing right there
Deacon Palmer: So now she thinks you ARE the Doug Heffernan she slept with?
Doug Heffernan: Yes, and I may have told her I love her.
Deacon Palmer: Wow, you know for someone who's done nothing wrong, you've dug yourself quite a hole here.

Doug Heffernan: You need your feet to move around!
Deacon Palmer: You have feet, you don't move around.

Doug Heffernan: We didn't have sex in the technical sense.
Deacon Palmer: You didn't have sex in ANY sense.

Doug Heffernan: I should go out and have a real affair just to show her!
Deacon Palmer: You serious?
Doug Heffernan: Nah, sounds like a lot of work.


"The King of Queens: Van, Go (#7.18)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: Think I can take her?
Deacon Palmer: Listen, I love you and I believe in you. If you can dream it, you can do it. But when I look in her eyes... I see you dead.

Joanne: If you want to order something else, tell me and I'll get it for you. Okay, sir?
Doug Heffernan: Right.
[to Deacon]
Doug Heffernan: What a bee-atch.
Joanne: Did you say something? What did you call me?
Doug Heffernan: I didn't call you anything.
Joanne: Oh, you didn't call me anything? Cause I though I heard bee-atch.
Doug Heffernan: I was telling my friend he had a bee on his watch. It's gone now.
Deacon Palmer: I'm very allergic.
Joanne: So now you guys are messing with me? You wanna go? I'll go right now.
Doug Heffernan: You're saying you want to fight me?
Joanne: Anytime.
Doug Heffernan: I'm not going to fight you.
Joanne: Yeah. I didn't think so.
[she leaves]
Deacon Palmer: That was bone-chilling.


"The King of Queens: Pole Lox (#8.1)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: You might have won 3 games, but I had more total points.
Deacon Palmer: I don't think that's possible.

Doug Heffernan: [Doug and Deacon are watching a Pole Dancing class at the gym] I don't know if Carrie will do that. Do you think you could talk Kelly into something like that?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know, never thought about it.
[smirking]
Deacon Palmer: But, then we got plenty going on in there anyway.
Doug Heffernan: Don't you ever get tired of being a racial stereotype?
Deacon Palmer: No, do you?


"The King of Queens: Moxie Moron (#9.3)" (2006)
Deacon Palmer: This co-supervisor thing ain't working out for me.
Doug Heffernan: What are you trying to say?
Deacon Palmer: I'm saying you suck and I want you out of here.

Deacon Palmer: I'm not going to get fired for your mistake.
Doug Heffernan: They're not going to fire you; you're a minority!


"The King of Queens: S'ain't Valentine's (#1.16)" (1999)
Richie Iannucci: [Beeper goes off] Oh, it's my beeper. Ah, large fire. I need to go.
Deacon Palmer: Oh hell no.
Richie Iannucci: [Talks to Veronica Olchin] There's a large fire, so uhh... I need to go, bye.
Doug Heffernan: No, no, no! You can't do this!
Richie Iannucci: Later suckers!
[Makes a salute emote]
Deacon Palmer: And now what?
Veronica Olchin: Let's dance!
[Doug and Deacon are looking at Veronica with mouths wide open]


"The King of Queens: Assaulted Nuts (#2.3)" (1999)
Doug Heffernan: Deac ?
Deacon Palmer: What ?
Doug Heffernan: Will you please come to me.
Deacon Palmer: Wassup ?
Doug Heffernan: I'm not sure but I think I may have shot myself.
Deacon Palmer: Where ?
Doug Heffernan: In a very very bad place.
Deacon Palmer: Where ?
Doug Heffernan: Right in the twins playpen.


"The King of Queens: Secret Garden (#6.7)" (2003)
Doug Heffernan: [about their wives' so revered gynecologist] So, what is special about this doctor?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know... He is gentle, suave... - he is like a vagina-whisperer!


"The King of Queens: Emotional Rollercoaster (#8.19)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: Doug can't be happy with his life, wearing short pants to work and dragging packages to people.
Deacon Palmer: You know I do the same thing?


"The King of Queens: Wild Cards (#2.20)" (2000)
Deacon Palmer: You know, I don't like lying to my wife. Doesn't make me feel too good.
Doug Heffernan: [mocking in a wimpy voice] Oh, I don't like lying to my wife. Lying makes my tummy ache.


"The King of Queens: Lost Vegas (#7.1)" (2004)
Deacon Palmer: How could you possibly think there'd be valet parking at a diner in Ohio?
Danny Heffernan: I've never been to Ohio, I don't know the local customs.


"The King of Queens: Awful Bigamy (#6.24)" (2004)
Doug Heffernan: You're trying to take my downstairs wife; you don't even have a downstairs.
Deacon Palmer: She'd be futon wife.


"The King of Queens: Offensive Fowl (#9.8)" (2007)
[Spence enters carrying a large sign]
Deacon Palmer: How's the new job?
Spence Olchin: How do you think it's going? I stand all day on the sidewalk carrying this.
Danny Heffernan: Yeah, well, at least no one's peeing on you like when you worked in the subway.
Spence Olchin: Heh. Guess again.


"The King of Queens: Fat City (#1.2)" (1998)
Doug Heffernan: Hey, Deke, let me ask you, you think Carrie's gained weight?
Deacon Palmer: What?
Doug Heffernan: Carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight, a couple pounds, maybe?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know. Every time I see her she's blocked by you.


"The King of Queens: Bun Dummy (#4.21)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: Deacon, can I ask you a question ?
Deacon Palmer: Sure.
Carrie Heffernan: What do you think of my hair like this ?
Deacon Palmer: You mean the bun ?
Carrie Heffernan: Yeah, c'mon, the truth.
Deacon Palmer: Well, you know, in general, I think it's, uhm...
Carrie Heffernan: Just tell me.
Deacon Palmer: It's ass ugly, girl.


"The King of Queens: Tank Heaven (#6.21)" (2004)
[Doug, Deacon, and Danny are sitting on the couch in the living room, eating nachos and cheese]
Doug Heffernan: What are you doing?
Danny Heffernan: What?
Deacon Palmer: You're taking all the cheese.
Danny Heffernan: It came up with the chip.
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, 'cause you grabbed the nucleus.
Danny Heffernan: What?
Doug Heffernan: Every pile of nachos has one main chip that holds the whole thing together... the nucleus. You don't take the nucleus, you work around it. You honor it.
Deacon Palmer: That's Nachos 101, man.