Carrie Heffernan
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Quotes for
Carrie Heffernan (Character)
from "The King of Queens" (1998)

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"The King of Queens: Mama Cast (#9.1)" (2006)
Charlotte: There's this really cute boy at school.
Carrie Heffernan: Michael?
Charlotte: Yeah, but he likes Donna Pizzoni.
Carrie Heffernan: Well, just make him like you, instead
Charlotte: How?
Carrie Heffernan: Well, you just start a nasty rumor about the other girl. You know? "She's a skank" or "she's poor." Could be anything, really, and before you know it, you'll be wearing his varsity jacket.

Carrie Heffernan: Bad news ...
Doug Heffernan: If it's about being out of mini-donuts, I'm aware, and I am not happy.

Carrie Heffernan: I think it's going to happen. I'm actually going to kill you this time.

Carrie Heffernan: And you guys are okay with this? I mean, you want her to be the mom and not me?
Charlotte: Uh-huh.
Kenny: You were cool until you kind of went all nut bar.


"The King of Queens: Educating Doug (#1.8)" (1998)
[Doug, Carrie and Arthur are in the car]
Arthur Spooner: Hey, pull over I need to use the John.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Why didn't you go when we dropped Spence off?
Arthur Spooner: I didn't need to go then. Excuse me for not having a prostate!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: [thinking] Aww, look at him reading, he's really trying. What is growing out of his ear?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Doug, it's just a book... you can read can't you?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Doug, I know you beat up Spence for his homework!
Doug Heffernan: He told you! He is so dead!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: No, he did not tell me, his mother called!


"The King of Queens: Rayny Day (#1.19)" (1999)
Doug Heffernan: [imitating Richie] Hey, Ray, can you do me a favor? Can you hook me up with one of the models in the underwear ad?
[now imitating Ray Barone]
Doug Heffernan: Eh, I don't know, we're not even in the same department. Ehh, I'm trying to swing!
Carrie Heffernan: Yeah, that's good, honey. Now do William Shatner.

Carrie Heffernan: Who was that?
Doug Heffernan: It's Ray Barone. He wants to know if his mother can drop him off here.
Carrie Heffernan: For what, a play date?

Arthur Spooner: You're not throwing out these rubber bands, are you?
Carrie Heffernan: They're all broken, dad.
Arthur Spooner: So? You tie the ends together and they're as good as new, Mrs. Rockefeller.


"The King of Queens: Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)
Arthur Spooner: I got two words for you: I'm staying right here!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: That's four words.
Arthur Spooner: Oh, is it? Then I got another four words: Screw you!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Well, that's two words.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: I have a surprise for you.
Doug Heffernan: You're pregnant. Yes!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: No.
Doug Heffernan: Thank God!

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: The last time Tessie left you alone for two minutes, she found you shingling the roof with no pants... and no shingles.


"The King of Queens: Affair Trade (#9.2)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: [on machine] It's me. Listen, real quick, there's a pie in the fridge. It's for my book club, please don't touch it. Doug... please.

[last lines]
Ken: [on answering machine] Hi, it's Ken. I hope this is the Doug Heffernan I met on Fire Island last Sunday. Anyway, I'd love to take you up on that cup of coffee. Call me.
Carrie Heffernan: What's going on here, Doug?
Doug Heffernan: THAT you believe?

Jessica: [on machine] I can't help thinking about last Saturday, lying naked in the sand. I still quiver when I think about being with you.
Kelly: [Kelly and Carrie laugh] She did not just say "quiver."
Carrie Heffernan: She did, and Doug was afraid that I would think it was him!
[they laugh even more]


"The King of Queens: Fixer Upper (#1.12)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: Don't you think Spence needs a date?
Doug Heffernan: No. He's got a very nice routine: work, dinner with his mom, Babylon 5, then sleep. Why screw around with it?

Carrie Heffernan: These researchers, they kept a male monkey alone for so long, that when they finally stuck a female in with him, he threw feces at her and he humped a eucalyptus tree.
[Doug advances, leering]
Carrie Heffernan: That turns you on?
Doug Heffernan: A little bit, yeah.

Carrie Heffernan: Jenny, did I tell you Spence sells tokens on the subway?
Doug Heffernan: [sotto voce] That's the way to impress her.


"The King of Queens: Food Fight (#4.13)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: [catching 'food-unfaithful' Doug who is sneakily devouring the leftovers of Becky's salad back in the kitchen] You would do this to me over salad?
Doug Heffernan: I am very weak.

Carrie Heffernan: [Arthur is watching 'It's A Wonderful Life'] Ah, 'It's A Wonderful Life'. Pretty great, huh?
Arthur Spooner: Actually, I think it's a swing and a miss.
Carrie Heffernan: What are you talking about? It's one of the greatest movies of all time.
Arthur Spooner: With George Bailey, the town is boring. Without him, there's nightclubs and bars. It's fabulous. I wish he hadn't been born.

Spence Olchin: [about Arthur] I can't believe he's never seen 'The Wizard of Oz'.
Carrie Heffernan: So, how are you liking it so far, dad?
Arthur Spooner: [Scared on seeing the film] Is anyone else but me terrified?


"The King of Queens: Fat City (#1.2)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: Honey, could you pass the, um, "I Can't Believe It's Not Salad Dressing?"

Carrie Heffernan: And is there a reason you keep saying 'we'?
Doug Heffernan: Yeah! It's -- it's just like "Weeeeee, we're on a diet!"

Carrie Heffernan: C'mon, Doug, I really wanna know! How would you feel if I did end up looking like my mother?
Doug Heffernan: I'd be fine with it.
[turns to the window and makes a face]
Carrie Heffernan: Doug! I could see your reflection in the window!


"The King of Queens: Golden Moldy (#5.16)" (2003)
Arthur Spooner: What do we have here?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Vacation brochures. It looks like we're going to the Caribbean next week.
Arthur Spooner: We are? Oh, goody.
Doug Heffernan: Well, I hope you mean for us.
Arthur Spooner: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming I'm a member of this family.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Come on, you'll have fun. You can invite Spence, and we'll buy you something from St. Croix.
Arthur Spooner: You think you can buy me off with some cheap island trinket, a linen shirt 42-long? How dare you?

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You lied?
Doug Heffernan: I may have.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You may have, or you did?
Doug Heffernan: I may have did.


"The King of Queens: Depo Man (#4.11)" (2001)
Carrie Heffernan: [Watching Doug mix his cereals] What are you doing?
Doug Heffernan: Simple. I'm mixing my sweet Cocoa Krispies with the more sensible Rice Krispies. And what do you get? A healthier me.
Carrie Heffernan: Or you could just have a piece of fruit.
Doug Heffernan: Fruit? Why the hell do you gotta go there?

Carrie Heffernan: I'm in a bad mood 'cause of work. Pruzan got his first big case as partner and he's going off the deep end. I mean, could you believe the time I got home?
Doug Heffernan: Why? Was it late?
Carrie Heffernan: It was three in the morning. Don't you know when I'm not home?
Doug Heffernan: I gotta be honest with you, Carrie. When that Comforter gets bunched up, you're easy to lose.

Doug Heffernan: What's this big case you got anyway?
Carrie Heffernan: It's actually kind of interesting. We're representing these shareholders of this dot com who claim management run the company into the ground. And managers tried to blame everybody else - the distributors, the delivery services...
[Sees Doug with a lost look on his face]
Carrie Heffernan: Very far away right now, aren't you?
Doug Heffernan: I want to listen. You just have to give me something to hang on to. Like, like instead of saying shareholders, you could say midgets.


"The King of Queens: Moxie Moron (#9.3)" (2006)
Doug Heffernan: I might get fired!
Carrie Heffernan: Don't worry, you'll get better.
Doug Heffernan: You think so?
Carrie Heffernan: Nooooo!

Doug Heffernan: What smells like mustard?
Carrie Heffernan: My bonus.

Doug Heffernan: You ever done it with a supervisor before?
Carrie Heffernan: When I worked at Shoe Town... and Beverage Barn.


"The King of Queens: Sold-Y Locks (#8.18)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: You're my husband. You're supposed to protect me.
Doug Heffernan: I never agreed to that.

Carrie Heffernan: Oh, look, it's Robert Goulet.
Robert Goulet: Where, where?


"The King of Queens: Emotional Rollercoaster (#8.19)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: Doug can't be happy with his life, wearing short pants to work and dragging packages to people.
Deacon Palmer: You know I do the same thing?

Carrie Heffernan: You said you were happy with your life.
Doug Heffernan: Denial ain't just a river in Spain, honey.


"The King of Queens: Awful Bigamy (#6.24)" (2004)
Carrie Heffernan: Doug, Nobody's last name is penis.

Holly Shumpert: I spent all day making Doug's favorite dishes but now they're getting cold, does he care? No because he's with some girl at his precious hockey game.
Carrie Heffernan: Shouldn't I be the one who's upset about this?
Holly Shumpert: Actually yeah.
Carrie Heffernan: What's going on here?
Arthur Spooner: Open your eyes you fools, the man has three wives!


"The King of Queens: Pregnant Pause: Part 2 (#3.25)" (2001)
Marilyn: I assume you're taking folic acid.
Carrie Heffernan: Well, I took some at a Metallica concert once - woke up the next day at the parking lot of a Waldbaum's.

[Dr. Linhardt is Carrie's gynaecologist]
Carrie Heffernan: This is my husband, Doug.
Dr. Linhardt: Doug, hello, it would seem congratulations are in order.
Doug Heffernan: And to you! It took me two whole dates to go where you're about to go.


"The King of Queens: Queasy Rider (#2.1)" (1999)
Arthur Spooner: Darling, I need to borrow the iron.
Carrie Heffernan: Dad, I told you, if you want a grilled cheese sandwich, I will make you one!

Doug Heffernan: So you're gonna get cancer to prove a point?
Carrie Heffernan: Sure! I'll be in an iron lung, you'll be in a wheelchair. Hey, you know what, maybe we can chip in and get a helper monkey!


"The King of Queens: Dog Days (#1.14)" (1999)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: [Carrie and Doug walk into their bedroom to find Arthur sitting on their bed] Dad! What are you doing in here, I'm in my bra!
Arthur Spooner: [making a dismissive gesture] So, I've seen better.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: [to the Sackskys] At night, we like to sleep. We're kinda kooky that way!


"The King of Queens: Big Dougie (#2.21)" (2000)
Doug Heffernan: Do you think I'm a big sack of crap?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Have you been reading my diary?

Doug Heffernan: I just found out that Deacon is a Big Brother.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You just figured that out now?
Doug Heffernan: No, I don't mean he's a big brotha', I mean he's a Big Brother.


"The King of Queens: Supermarket Story (#1.10)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: If I put my mind to it, I can mash, shuck, and jive and all that, don't you think?
Doug Heffernan: Absolutely. Can I get some TV dinners just as a backup?

Richie Iannucci: So, you guys got a big Thanksgiving planned?
Carrie Heffernan: No, thank God.
Doug Heffernan: Just a long weekend with nothing to do except the three F's: food, football, and...
[looks to Carrie]
Doug Heffernan: makin' love.


"The King of Queens: Silent Mite (#7.7)" (2004)
Carrie Heffernan: Ok Doug, you know what? This year I don't want a Christmas present. All I want is for you to stop acting like a big baby and grow up.
Doug Heffernan: No, I gave that to you last year.

[a midget hit on Carrie]
Doug Heffernan: Hey, guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down.
Carrie Heffernan: Really? How come you didn't do anything to that banker who asked me out to dinner last week?
Doug Heffernan: Because, he was almost my height.


"The King of Queens: Tank Heaven (#6.21)" (2004)
Carrie Heffernan: Emily and Peter blew us off again tonight.
Doug Heffernan: Really? That's weird.
Carrie Heffernan: They said they had to go bird shopping. Who goes bird shopping on a Saturday night? Who goes bird shopping?

Carrie Heffernan: Did you make them touch your belly hair?
Doug Heffernan: What?
Carrie Heffernan: DID you?
Doug Heffernan: I have no idea what you're sayin'!
Carrie Heffernan: Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, and then I threw on a G-string and gave them a little lap dance, yeah!


"The King of Queens: Papa Pill (#3.18)" (2001)
[Carrie and Doug picked Arthur up in a bar]
Carrie Heffernan: I got to be honest with you dad, okay? Your date... looked like a pro.


"The King of Queens: Knee Jerk (#8.16)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: How was your physical therapy?
Doug Heffernan: Not so good. I had some deep tissue work done on my inner thigh while I went to my safe place.


"The King of Queens: Four Play (#8.20)" (2006)
Doug Heffernan: Kirby's been asking a lot of questions about 'the ladies'. Looks like I'm gonna have to have 'the talk' with him.
Carrie Heffernan: Oh boy.
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, in fact I was hoping you could go over some stuff with me 'cause, uh, I've never been 100% sure about what you guys got going on down there.
Carrie Heffernan: I know baby.


"The King of Queens: Court Date (#1.17)" (1999)
Doug Heffernan: You cut off a school bus?
Carrie Heffernan: They were fifth graders. It's not like they were in kindergarten, they know how the world works.


"The King of Queens: Maybe Baby (#1.25)" (1999)
[about having a baby]
Carrie Heffernan: Okay, how about this. We leave it in the hands of the Gods. If I make the light, we're having a baby!
Doug Heffernan: Okay, that certainly beats rational discussion.


"The King of Queens: Sandwiched Out (#8.5)" (2005)
Carrie Heffernan: Did you ever have a friend whose life sucked so bad it made you feel better about your own?
Holly: No.
Carrie Heffernan: Well, I did. It was you.


"The King of Queens: Secret Garden (#6.7)" (2003)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: [looking at online pictures of a grill company webpage] So, where is the grill?
Doug Heffernan: You are in it. It is a steak-eye view.


"The King of Queens: The Rock (#1.7)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: [on the engagement ring] You really fell ass-backward into somethin', didn't you, hon?


"The King of Queens: Foe: Pa (#6.20)" (2004)
Carrie Heffernan: Any sign of my dad?
Doug Heffernan: No. I thought I saw him in the park, but it was just a weird-shaped kid.


"The King of Queens: Fight Schlub (#8.22)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: Doug, did you see my blue camisol?
Doug Heffernan: I'd be more help if I knew what a camisol was.


"The King of Queens: Holy Mackerel (#5.3)" (2002)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Oh my God! You're praying for the Jets!
Doug Heffernan: No I'm not!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Yes you were! You were praying for the Jets to win!
Doug Heffernan: No, no. I was praying for them to cover the spread! That's a whole other thing!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You are such a hypocrite! You get on my back about shoes and you're praying for a football game?
Doug Heffernan: Oh please, shoes are way more petty than a football game!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Is not! Can you wear a football game?
Doug Heffernan: Can you spend an entire Sunday watching shoes?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Yes I can!


"The King of Queens: Parent Trapped (#2.4)" (1999)
[Arthur will only sell a little troll doll to Carrie for 50 bucks]
Carrie Heffernan: Okay, this is a troll, and I am your daughter.
Arthur Spooner: I know the difference.


"The King of Queens: Walk, Man (#4.1)" (2001)
Doug Heffernan: How was..."spinning"?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Great- I feel happy, healthy, and more alive. How was sitting on the couch rotting?
Doug Heffernan: I'll let you know when I'm done.


"The King of Queens: Fair Game (#2.16)" (2000)
Doug Heffernan: You know what I really love about being married to you?
Carrie Heffernan: Not having to pay for sex?


"The King of Queens: Roamin' Holiday (#2.10)" (1999)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: [after Arthur asks why Spence is seating in his seat at breakfast] Spence moved out of his mom's house last night, so he's going to stay with us until he gets a place of his own.
Arthur Spooner: Oh, I see. I must have missed the family meeting where all of this was decided.
Doug Heffernan: There was no family meeting about this, Arthur.
Arthur Spooner: Well, God bless fascism!


"The King of Queens: Road Rayge (#1.9)" (1998)
Arthur Spooner: So, what are you doing?
Carrie Heffernan: Studying for my paralegal exam.
Arthur Spooner: Paralegal, huh? Ah, I respect those people. No feeling from the waist down and they still practice law. God bless 'em.


"The King of Queens: Mentalo Case (#5.11)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: Why are you so obsessed with this toy, anyway?
Doug Heffernan: I guess it reminds me of a simpler time in my life, you know? A time when I didn't have to worry about payin' bills or goin' after that big promotion.
Carrie Heffernan: Okay, you've never done either of those.


"The King of Queens: Paternal Affairs (#1.5)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: Hey! I know I have to die someday, but I'm gonna be really pissed off if it's today because of this!


"The King of Queens: Shear Torture (#8.6)" (2005)
[Doug's hairdresser is a very pretty woman]
Carrie Heffernan: When we got married, you took a sacred vow to me.
Doug Heffernan: To do what, only get my hair cut by ugly people?


"The King of Queens: Offensive Fowl (#9.8)" (2007)
Carrie Heffernan: Doug, I don't understand. You eat fast food two, three times a week. It never occurred to you that animals are involved?
Doug Heffernan: Because they don't make it look like an animal! They're very clever that way.


"The King of Queens: Crappy Birthday (#1.15)" (1999)
[reading her birthday card]
Carrie Heffernan: You are my bilgistic pile of love meat. Love, Doug.


"The King of Queens: Hartford Wailer (#8.21)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: Didn't you get my message?
Doug Heffernan: No, my phone's on vibrate, I left it in my pocket, and - do you have a cigarette?


"The King of Queens: Window Pain (#5.2)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: Because, they don't know it's banter. They don't know that's just our way of airing things out and we'll make love later.
Doug Heffernan: We will ?


"The King of Queens: Lush Life (#4.20)" (2002)
[Carrie put Doug on a diet and wants to eat a pizza herself]
Carrie Heffernan: Oh, have your stupid pizza!
Doug Heffernan: Really?
Carrie Heffernan: Yeah.
Doug Heffernan: You're not just baiting me, like that time you told me I can get the porn channel, then said I disgust you?


"The King of Queens: Noel Cowards (#1.11)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: Hey! I know I have to die someday, but I'm gonna be really pissed off if it's today because of this!


"The King of Queens: Bun Dummy (#4.21)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: Deacon, can I ask you a question ?
Deacon Palmer: Sure.
Carrie Heffernan: What do you think of my hair like this ?
Deacon Palmer: You mean the bun ?
Carrie Heffernan: Yeah, c'mon, the truth.
Deacon Palmer: Well, you know, in general, I think it's, uhm...
Carrie Heffernan: Just tell me.
Deacon Palmer: It's ass ugly, girl.


"The King of Queens: The Shmenkmans (#2.18)" (2000)
Abby Shropshire: Actually, I was just telling these guys that Marc and I have definitely decided to have a baby
Doug Heffernan: Oh, that's great!
Carrie Heffernan: Yeah! Way to go, you two!
Doug Heffernan: You wanna hear something weird? Uh, Carrie and I have decided to have one, too.
Abby Shropshire: Really?
Carrie Heffernan: Yup! yup!
[pokes Abby]
Carrie Heffernan: Race ya!


"The King of Queens: Strike Out (#3.7)" (2000)
Carrie Heffernan: Any sex life anymore ?
Kelly Palmer: Barely. Since the strike I'm lucky if I get it once a night.
[look at each other awkwardly]
Kelly Palmer: Sorry.


"The King of Queens: Multiple Plots (#6.17)" (2004)
Doug Heffernan: [Carrie is making Doug pancakes for breakfast before he goes to work]
Doug Heffernan: You know what? I'll just eat 'em in the car.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Wait a minute... how are you gonna eat pancakes, drink coffee and drive?
Doug Heffernan: I've eaten wonton soup driving through San Francisco on a motorcycle. I think I can handle a couple of flapjacks.
[pause]
Doug Heffernan: Could you get the door?


"The King of Queens: Deacon Blues (#3.15)" (2001)
Arthur Spooner: So I looked her square in the eye and said, "Ma'am, you are undoubtedly the most fetching woman in all of Schreiport."
Kelly Palmer: [laughs] Then what did she say?
Arthur Spooner: My good sir, I do believe you are giving me the vapors.
Kelly Palmer: [laughs] Nice. Then what happened?
Arthur Spooner: I knocked the barbeque out of her hand, bent her over the porch railing and said, "I'll give you more than vapors, you nasty..."
Carrie Heffernan: Ok! Enough! Charming story gone very wrong.


"The King of Queens: Clothes Encounter (#5.21)" (2003)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Well, you said we should get ourselves something that says "we done good" and this says "I done good!"
Doug Heffernan: No, it says "I done spent a crapload of money!"


"The King of Queens: Cello, Goodbye (#1.3)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: [Doug is suspicious about Carrie's boss driving her home] Honey, if he didn't drive me home then we wouldn't be able to have sex in his car!


"The King of Queens: Trash Talker (#6.18)" (2004)
Doug Heffernan: Why would I lick a trash can?
Carrie Heffernan: I don't know. Didn't you once tell me you ate the feed they have at petting zoos?
Doug Heffernan: My sister told me if I did, I could grow a moustache.


"The King of Queens: Loaner Car (#5.10)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: The white people came over from England on The Mayflower!
Major Palmer: Well then, how did the black people get here?
Carrie Heffernan: [doesn't know what to say] Want a cupcake?


"The King of Queens: Roast Chicken (#3.2)" (2000)
Arthur Spooner: In all the jobs I ever had, I never kowtowed to the bosses. I spoke my mind!
Carrie Heffernan: Which is why you have no pension, no benefits and you live in our basement.
Arthur Spooner: You really swung from the heels on that one, didn't ya?


"The King of Queens: Dog Shelter (#5.23)" (2003)
Janet Heffernan: [Janet and Carrie are discussing Doug] I feel like it was just yesterday he was sittin' in his jammies, eatin' a jelly sandwich, watchin' "Heckle and Jeckle".
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Actually, that was yesterday.


"The King of Queens: Vocal Discord (#8.2)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: I think I know my way around town. I'm a driver, you know.
Carrie Heffernan: Yes, I know. I'm reminded every time I look at your paycheck.