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Quotes for
Willie Nelson (Character)
from I'll Never Get Out of This World Alive (1993)

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"Monk: Mr. Monk and the Red-Headed Stranger (#1.12)" (2002)
Adrian Monk: [Monk just walked onto Willie Nelson's bus] Do you smell something?
Willie Nelson: No, I don't... and you don't either.

[Stottlemeyer comes to the recording studio to arrest Willie Nelson for murder]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Willie Nelson?
Jody - Band Member #1: I'm Willie Nelson.
Bee - Band Member #2: I'm Willie Nelson.
Mickey - Band Member #3: I'm Willie Nelson.
Willie Nelson: Don't think they're goin' for it, boys.
Lt. Randall Disher: Mr. Nelson, we have a warrant for your arrest for the premeditated murder of Jason "Sonny" Cross.

Willie Nelson: [to Monk] You know more about me than I do.
Sharona Fleming: He knows more about everybody than they do.
Willie Nelson: Well, why do they think I shot Sonny?
Sharona Fleming: Um, well, you gotta admit it looks pretty bad. The blind lady said that she heard everything.
Willie Nelson: The blind lady's lyin'.
Sharona Fleming: Why was she lying?
Willie Nelson: I don't know. I do a lot of things, but I wouldn't hurt anybody. You know, I might write a bad song about 'em. And as far as Sonny was concerned, maybe I should've fired him a long time ago, but there's more I could've fired too.

Young promoter: Mr. Nelson.
Willie Nelson: Hello.
Young promoter: Willie.
[shakes hands with Willie Nelson]
Willie Nelson: Hey.
Young promoter: I just spoke to the front office. Both shows are sold out.
Willie Nelson: Can't beat that, huh?
Young promoter: No, sir. And I gave your driver directions to the radio station.
Willie Nelson: What radio station?
[Jason "Sonny" Cross arrives, talking on his cell phone]
Young promoter: For that interview you have in the morning. You remember.
Willie Nelson: All right. Can you excuse me a minute?
Young promoter: Not a problem.
[He continues to shake Willie's hand]
Willie Nelson: Will you, uh, let go of my hand?
Young promoter: [chuckles] I am so sorry.

Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now, Mrs. Mass. I want you to take your time.
[Willie Nelson and two other volunteers enter the lineup booth]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And I want you to listen very carefully, all right?
Wendy Maas: All right.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Are you all right?
Wendy Maas: Yes.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Good. All right, number one, please.
[Volunteer #1 goes up to the microphone, and holds out a notecard with the prewritten statement]
Participant #1: Tell anybody about this and I'll kill you.
Wendy Maas: No, no.
[Volunteer #1 steps back]
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Number 2.
[Volunteer #2 steps up to the microphone]
Participant #2: Tell anybody about this and I'll kill you.
[He steps back]
Wendy Maas: No.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: And number three. Read the line, please.
[Willie Nelson steps up to the microphone, holds out the card, and says]
Willie Nelson: Tell anybody about this and I'll kill you.
Wendy Maas: That's him. That-that's the voice. That's him.
Captain Leland Stottlemeyer: Now, you're sure?
Wendy Maas: That's him. I know that's him.

Austin Powers: The Spy Who Shagged Me (1999)
[Noticing Dr. Evil's spaceship on radar]
Radar Operator: Colonel, you better have a look at this radar.
Colonel: What is it, son?
Radar Operator: I don't know, sir, but it looks like a giant...
Jet Pilot: Dick. Dick, take a look out of starboard.
Co-Pilot: Oh my God, it looks like a huge...
Bird-Watching Woman: Pecker.
Bird-Watching Man: [raising binoculars] Ooh, Where?
Bird-Watching Woman: Over there. What sort of bird is that? Wait, it's not a woodpecker, it looks like someone's...
Army Sergeant: Privates. We have reports of an unidentified flying object. It has a long, smooth shaft, complete with...
Baseball Umpire: Two balls.
[looking up from game]
Baseball Umpire: What is that. It looks just like an enormous...
Chinese Teacher: Wang. pay attention.
Wang: I was distracted by that giant flying...
Musician: Willie.
Willie: Yeah?
Musician: What's that?
Willie: [squints] Well, that looks like a huge...
Colonel: Johnson.
Radar Operator: Yes, sir?
Colonel: Get on the horn to British Intelligence and let them know about this.

"Aqua Teen Hunger Force: The Shaving (#2.15)" (2003)
Master Shake: You are the *gayest* monster since GAY came to *Gaytown*!
Willie Nelson: Woooooooah... Easy! Whe-Where's this comin' from?
Master Shake: No! Let's get down to it! What I *say* is very *baffling*!
Frylock: Hey, hey! Woah, woah, woah, woah, *woah*, you two! We don't want any trouble here, now, okay?
Willie Nelson: Naw, I'm with you! I don't think violence solves anything.
Master Shake: [shouts] God, you're gay! You don't think violence *solves* anything? What kinda monster are you?
Willie Nelson: Look, I'm... I'm pretty... hardcore. I mean... I've been know to..."Do a number" on plenty of "cats."
Master Shake: Do a number? Yeah, I bet you "do a number"... In your *tights*... on *Broadway*. Which is where you *moved* to, after you left Texas Chainsaw Mascara... where you're *from*!