Doug Heffernan
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Quotes for
Doug Heffernan (Character)
from "The King of Queens" (1998)

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"The King of Queens: Affair Trade (#9.2)" (2006)
Doug Heffernan: She called last night and, uh, well, we talked.
Deacon Palmer: Well, why didn't you just tell her you weren't the same guy?
Doug Heffernan: I tried, but Carrie was standing right there
Deacon Palmer: So now she thinks you ARE the Doug Heffernan she slept with?
Doug Heffernan: Yes, and I may have told her I love her.
Deacon Palmer: Wow, you know for someone who's done nothing wrong, you've dug yourself quite a hole here.

[last lines]
Ken: [on answering machine] Hi, it's Ken. I hope this is the Doug Heffernan I met on Fire Island last Sunday. Anyway, I'd love to take you up on that cup of coffee. Call me.
Carrie Heffernan: What's going on here, Doug?
Doug Heffernan: THAT you believe?

Doug Heffernan: You need your feet to move around!
Deacon Palmer: You have feet, you don't move around.

Doug Heffernan: We didn't have sex in the technical sense.
Deacon Palmer: You didn't have sex in ANY sense.

Doug Heffernan: I should go out and have a real affair just to show her!
Deacon Palmer: You serious?
Doug Heffernan: Nah, sounds like a lot of work.

"The King of Queens: Moxie Moron (#9.3)" (2006)
Doug Heffernan: I might get fired!
Carrie Heffernan: Don't worry, you'll get better.
Doug Heffernan: You think so?
Carrie Heffernan: Nooooo!

Doug Heffernan: What smells like mustard?
Carrie Heffernan: My bonus.

Deacon Palmer: This co-supervisor thing ain't working out for me.
Doug Heffernan: What are you trying to say?
Deacon Palmer: I'm saying you suck and I want you out of here.

Doug Heffernan: You ever done it with a supervisor before?
Carrie Heffernan: When I worked at Shoe Town... and Beverage Barn.

Deacon Palmer: I'm not going to get fired for your mistake.
Doug Heffernan: They're not going to fire you; you're a minority!

"The King of Queens: Fixer Upper (#1.12)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: Don't you think Spence needs a date?
Doug Heffernan: No. He's got a very nice routine: work, dinner with his mom, Babylon 5, then sleep. Why screw around with it?

Carrie Heffernan: These researchers, they kept a male monkey alone for so long, that when they finally stuck a female in with him, he threw feces at her and he humped a eucalyptus tree.
[Doug advances, leering]
Carrie Heffernan: That turns you on?
Doug Heffernan: A little bit, yeah.

Carrie Heffernan: Jenny, did I tell you Spence sells tokens on the subway?
Doug Heffernan: [sotto voce] That's the way to impress her.

Doug Heffernan: Would you rather have your big toe amputated or make out with Larry King for 15 minutes?
Richie Iannucci: We lyin' down or standin' up?
Doug Heffernan: You're leaning against a car.
Richie Iannucci: Argh, it's right down the line!

"The King of Queens: Tank Heaven (#6.21)" (2004)
Carrie Heffernan: Emily and Peter blew us off again tonight.
Doug Heffernan: Really? That's weird.
Carrie Heffernan: They said they had to go bird shopping. Who goes bird shopping on a Saturday night? Who goes bird shopping?

[Doug, Deacon, and Danny are sitting on the couch in the living room, eating nachos and cheese]
Doug Heffernan: What are you doing?
Danny Heffernan: What?
Deacon Palmer: You're taking all the cheese.
Danny Heffernan: It came up with the chip.
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, 'cause you grabbed the nucleus.
Danny Heffernan: What?
Doug Heffernan: Every pile of nachos has one main chip that holds the whole thing together... the nucleus. You don't take the nucleus, you work around it. You honor it.
Deacon Palmer: That's Nachos 101, man.

Carrie Heffernan: Did you make them touch your belly hair?
Doug Heffernan: What?
Carrie Heffernan: DID you?
Doug Heffernan: I have no idea what you're sayin'!
Carrie Heffernan: Did you lift up your shirt and make Peter and Ellen touch your belly hair?
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, and then I threw on a G-string and gave them a little lap dance, yeah!

Doug Heffernan: [lifting up his shirt and rubbing his stomach] Is this a lot of hair right here, seriously? I mean, a lot of people say I'm hairy, but I don't think I'm hairy enough...

"The King of Queens: Mama Cast (#9.1)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: Bad news ...
Doug Heffernan: If it's about being out of mini-donuts, I'm aware, and I am not happy.

Doug Heffernan: [eyeing pamphlet] "Wealth Building Annuities"... stupid.

Doug Heffernan: Alright, I gotta take a little bathroom break. Who wants to watch the truck?
[points to fat kid]
Doug Heffernan: Ain't going to happen.

"The King of Queens: Present Tense (#8.17)" (2006)
Lou Ferrigno: Arthur borrowed 30 dollar from me and he said he'd pay me back today.
Doug Heffernan: Lou, Lou, Lou... that money's gone.

[after the party]
Doug Heffernan: Now we know. When Lou drinks a little tequila, he starts lifting people over his head.

[to Carrie]
Doug Heffernan: At our wedding we had about 125 guests; eleven years later we have six. So you might wanna pull your attitude back a little.

"The King of Queens: Awful Bigamy (#6.24)" (2004)
Doug Heffernan: Hey Arthur, come on up for breakfast. You know I can't start my day without my two scoops of Artie.
[from the basement]
Arthur Spooner: I don't know what that means, but it sounds terrifying.

Doug Heffernan: You're trying to take my downstairs wife; you don't even have a downstairs.
Deacon Palmer: She'd be futon wife.

Doug Heffernan: [after telling the guys he has a downstairs and upstairs wife] Hol, the paper came today, it's a little wet and I wanted to read the sports section.
Holly Shumpert: I'll just blow-dry it.
[She leaves]
Danny Heffernan: My nipples are hard.

"The King of Queens: Pole Lox (#8.1)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: You might have won 3 games, but I had more total points.
Deacon Palmer: I don't think that's possible.

[about Carrie's pole dancing]
Doug Heffernan: She says it gets her in touch with her inner whore.

Doug Heffernan: [Doug and Deacon are watching a Pole Dancing class at the gym] I don't know if Carrie will do that. Do you think you could talk Kelly into something like that?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know, never thought about it.
Deacon Palmer: But, then we got plenty going on in there anyway.
Doug Heffernan: Don't you ever get tired of being a racial stereotype?
Deacon Palmer: No, do you?

"The King of Queens: Fat City (#1.2)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: And is there a reason you keep saying 'we'?
Doug Heffernan: Yeah! It's -- it's just like "Weeeeee, we're on a diet!"

Carrie Heffernan: C'mon, Doug, I really wanna know! How would you feel if I did end up looking like my mother?
Doug Heffernan: I'd be fine with it.
[turns to the window and makes a face]
Carrie Heffernan: Doug! I could see your reflection in the window!

Doug Heffernan: Hey, Deke, let me ask you, you think Carrie's gained weight?
Deacon Palmer: What?
Doug Heffernan: Carrie, my wife, do you think she's gained a little weight, a couple pounds, maybe?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know. Every time I see her she's blocked by you.

"The King of Queens: The Shmenkmans (#2.18)" (2000)
Doug Heffernan: [Doug and Carrie gain confidence to join Deacon and Kelly who are on a double date with "their" friends] We've got "Heffer-vescence".

Doug Heffernan: Friends just keep you from TV.

Abby Shropshire: Actually, I was just telling these guys that Marc and I have definitely decided to have a baby
Doug Heffernan: Oh, that's great!
Carrie Heffernan: Yeah! Way to go, you two!
Doug Heffernan: You wanna hear something weird? Uh, Carrie and I have decided to have one, too.
Abby Shropshire: Really?
Carrie Heffernan: Yup! yup!
[pokes Abby]
Carrie Heffernan: Race ya!

"The King of Queens: Golden Moldy (#5.16)" (2003)
Arthur Spooner: What do we have here?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Vacation brochures. It looks like we're going to the Caribbean next week.
Arthur Spooner: We are? Oh, goody.
Doug Heffernan: Well, I hope you mean for us.
Arthur Spooner: I see. Once again I humiliate myself by assuming I'm a member of this family.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You lied?
Doug Heffernan: I may have.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You may have, or you did?
Doug Heffernan: I may have did.

[Arthur calls Doug in St. Croix]
Arthur Spooner: Douglas? It's Arthur Spooner.
Doug Heffernan: Okay, last name not necessary.

"The King of Queens: Depo Man (#4.11)" (2001)
Carrie Heffernan: [Watching Doug mix his cereals] What are you doing?
Doug Heffernan: Simple. I'm mixing my sweet Cocoa Krispies with the more sensible Rice Krispies. And what do you get? A healthier me.
Carrie Heffernan: Or you could just have a piece of fruit.
Doug Heffernan: Fruit? Why the hell do you gotta go there?

Carrie Heffernan: I'm in a bad mood 'cause of work. Pruzan got his first big case as partner and he's going off the deep end. I mean, could you believe the time I got home?
Doug Heffernan: Why? Was it late?
Carrie Heffernan: It was three in the morning. Don't you know when I'm not home?
Doug Heffernan: I gotta be honest with you, Carrie. When that Comforter gets bunched up, you're easy to lose.

Doug Heffernan: What's this big case you got anyway?
Carrie Heffernan: It's actually kind of interesting. We're representing these shareholders of this dot com who claim management run the company into the ground. And managers tried to blame everybody else - the distributors, the delivery services...
[Sees Doug with a lost look on his face]
Carrie Heffernan: Very far away right now, aren't you?
Doug Heffernan: I want to listen. You just have to give me something to hang on to. Like, like instead of saying shareholders, you could say midgets.

"The King of Queens: Van, Go (#7.18)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: Think I can take her?
Deacon Palmer: Listen, I love you and I believe in you. If you can dream it, you can do it. But when I look in her eyes... I see you dead.

Joanne: If you want to order something else, tell me and I'll get it for you. Okay, sir?
Doug Heffernan: Right.
[to Deacon]
Doug Heffernan: What a bee-atch.
Joanne: Did you say something? What did you call me?
Doug Heffernan: I didn't call you anything.
Joanne: Oh, you didn't call me anything? Cause I though I heard bee-atch.
Doug Heffernan: I was telling my friend he had a bee on his watch. It's gone now.
Deacon Palmer: I'm very allergic.
Joanne: So now you guys are messing with me? You wanna go? I'll go right now.
Doug Heffernan: You're saying you want to fight me?
Joanne: Anytime.
Doug Heffernan: I'm not going to fight you.
Joanne: Yeah. I didn't think so.
[she leaves]
Deacon Palmer: That was bone-chilling.

"The King of Queens: Secret Garden (#6.7)" (2003)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: [looking at online pictures of a grill company webpage] So, where is the grill?
Doug Heffernan: You are in it. It is a steak-eye view.

Doug Heffernan: [about their wives' so revered gynecologist] So, what is special about this doctor?
Deacon Palmer: I don't know... He is gentle, suave... - he is like a vagina-whisperer!

"The King of Queens: Rayny Day (#1.19)" (1999)
Doug Heffernan: [imitating Richie] Hey, Ray, can you do me a favor? Can you hook me up with one of the models in the underwear ad?
[now imitating Ray Barone]
Doug Heffernan: Eh, I don't know, we're not even in the same department. Ehh, I'm trying to swing!
Carrie Heffernan: Yeah, that's good, honey. Now do William Shatner.

Carrie Heffernan: Who was that?
Doug Heffernan: It's Ray Barone. He wants to know if his mother can drop him off here.
Carrie Heffernan: For what, a play date?

"The King of Queens: Pilot (#1.1)" (1998)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: I have a surprise for you.
Doug Heffernan: You're pregnant. Yes!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: No.
Doug Heffernan: Thank God!

Doug Heffernan: [to Sarah] And no more soapy shower silhouettes getting me all hot when I'm trying to shave.
[Carrie glares]
Doug Heffernan: You got that, Arthur?

"The King of Queens: Acting Out (#8.23)" (2006)
Arthur Spooner: How dare you go through my personal things!
Doug Heffernan: You go through my stuff all the time.
Arthur Spooner: That is a lie.
Doug Heffernan: Yesterday I caught you eating my ChapStick.

Doug Heffernan: Good luck, Arthur
Arthur Spooner: Thank you; and what can I say except: I hope you die, you fat pig!

"The King of Queens: Holy Mackerel (#5.3)" (2002)
Doug Heffernan: Mahi mahi is for me-hi me-hi.

Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Oh my God! You're praying for the Jets!
Doug Heffernan: No I'm not!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Yes you were! You were praying for the Jets to win!
Doug Heffernan: No, no. I was praying for them to cover the spread! That's a whole other thing!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You are such a hypocrite! You get on my back about shoes and you're praying for a football game?
Doug Heffernan: Oh please, shoes are way more petty than a football game!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Is not! Can you wear a football game?
Doug Heffernan: Can you spend an entire Sunday watching shoes?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Yes I can!

"The King of Queens: Strike One (#3.5)" (2000)
Doug Heffernan: Our peice of crap car broke down right in the middle of the crap crappity crap crap thing!

Doug Heffernan: I don't need desserts to make a mess in the bedroom.

"The King of Queens: Gorilla Warfare (#7.13)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: [erratically caressing his stomach, his wrist watch catches something] Nipple!

Danny Heffernan: Why can't I find a great girl?
Doug Heffernan: I could tell you the truth, but it'd feel like a donkey kick.

"The King of Queens: Awed Couple (#7.8)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: I hope this tattoo's temporary, what the hell is that, a turtle eating an apple.

Doug Heffernan: I'd eat my own foot if it was wrapped in bacon and cooked in butter.

"The King of Queens: Dougie Nights (#4.15)" (2002)
Doug Heffernan: They're helpless antelopes and we're lions in the grass... Let the hunt begin.

Doug Heffernan: I don't know if you ladies watch professional rollerderby, but I'm Doug Heffernan.

"The King of Queens: Big Dougie (#2.21)" (2000)
Doug Heffernan: Do you think I'm a big sack of crap?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Have you been reading my diary?

Doug Heffernan: I just found out that Deacon is a Big Brother.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: You just figured that out now?
Doug Heffernan: No, I don't mean he's a big brotha', I mean he's a Big Brother.

"The King of Queens: Supermarket Story (#1.10)" (1998)
Carrie Heffernan: If I put my mind to it, I can mash, shuck, and jive and all that, don't you think?
Doug Heffernan: Absolutely. Can I get some TV dinners just as a backup?

Richie Iannucci: So, you guys got a big Thanksgiving planned?
Carrie Heffernan: No, thank God.
Doug Heffernan: Just a long weekend with nothing to do except the three F's: food, football, and...
[looks to Carrie]
Doug Heffernan: makin' love.

"The King of Queens: Silent Mite (#7.7)" (2004)
Carrie Heffernan: Ok Doug, you know what? This year I don't want a Christmas present. All I want is for you to stop acting like a big baby and grow up.
Doug Heffernan: No, I gave that to you last year.

[a midget hit on Carrie]
Doug Heffernan: Hey, guy hits on my woman, I'm gonna throw down.
Carrie Heffernan: Really? How come you didn't do anything to that banker who asked me out to dinner last week?
Doug Heffernan: Because, he was almost my height.

"The King of Queens: Lush Life (#4.20)" (2002)
[Carrie put Doug on a diet and wants to eat a pizza herself]
Carrie Heffernan: Oh, have your stupid pizza!
Doug Heffernan: Really?
Carrie Heffernan: Yeah.
Doug Heffernan: You're not just baiting me, like that time you told me I can get the porn channel, then said I disgust you?

Doug Heffernan: [sniffs pizza] Oh Yuspa!

"The King of Queens: Educating Doug (#1.8)" (1998)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Doug, I know you beat up Spence for his homework!
Doug Heffernan: He told you! He is so dead!
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: No, he did not tell me, his mother called!

Doug Heffernan: I'm so screwed!
Richie Iannucci: Book business again?
Doug Heffernan: The
Doug Heffernan: club is tomorrow... and I'm on page 2! I can't even say I've got a firm grasp on page 1!

"The King of Queens: Trash Talker (#6.18)" (2004)
Doug Heffernan: Why would I lick a trash can?
Carrie Heffernan: I don't know. Didn't you once tell me you ate the feed they have at petting zoos?
Doug Heffernan: My sister told me if I did, I could grow a moustache.

Arthur Spooner: Douglas, would you please pass me the catsup?
Doug Heffernan: The what?
Arthur Spooner: The catsup.
Doug Heffernan: Did you mean the ketchup?
Arthur Spooner: Highly educated people pronounce it catsup.
Doug Heffernan: Not if they want me to pass it to them.

"The King of Queens: Loaner Car (#5.10)" (2002)
Doug Heffernan: [reading Major's story about Thanksgiving] We used to have Thanksgiving as a family. Then mommy and daddy started yelling and got a 'dwivorce'. Now we're having dinner with some white family...
[Doug, Deacon and Carrie look confused]
Doug Heffernan: Hey, that's us!

Doug Heffernan: On ESPN, the National Spelling Bee. There was an Indian kid with a lisp, kicking ASS!

"The King of Queens: Papa Pill (#3.18)" (2001)
[Arthur is dressed rather unusual]
Arthur: Tonight's theme is Maui Madness.
Doug: Well, I think you look great, Arthur. I like the way the purple brings out the veins in your legs.

"The King of Queens: Knee Jerk (#8.16)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: How was your physical therapy?
Doug Heffernan: Not so good. I had some deep tissue work done on my inner thigh while I went to my safe place.

"The King of Queens: Richie's Song (#1.4)" (1998)
Doug Heffernan: So you all moved in to your brother's place?
Richie Iannucci: Yeah, yeah, two days ago.
Richie Iannucci: Listen, Moose. Thanks again for telling me. I'm sorry I threw up on you.
Doug Heffernan: Well, it was bad news.
Richie Iannucci: That 75-cent shrimp cocktail didn't help either.
Doug Heffernan: So, you and Marie, have you started that counseling yet ?
Richie Iannucci: Yeah, the guy's great too. We went together the first time, but Marie feels that since the problems are mostly her fault she wants to see the guy alone for awhile.

"The King of Queens: Four Play (#8.20)" (2006)
Doug Heffernan: Kirby's been asking a lot of questions about 'the ladies'. Looks like I'm gonna have to have 'the talk' with him.
Carrie Heffernan: Oh boy.
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, in fact I was hoping you could go over some stuff with me 'cause, uh, I've never been 100% sure about what you guys got going on down there.
Carrie Heffernan: I know baby.

"The King of Queens: Train Wreck (#1.20)" (1999)
Julie: Hey, is one of you guys Doug Heffernan?
Doug Heffernan: That would be me.
Julie: Hi I'm Julie Patterson, you're supposed to be my trainer person.
[she laughs]

"The King of Queens: Court Date (#1.17)" (1999)
Doug Heffernan: You cut off a school bus?
Carrie Heffernan: They were fifth graders. It's not like they were in kindergarten, they know how the world works.

"The King of Queens: Sold-Y Locks (#8.18)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: You're my husband. You're supposed to protect me.
Doug Heffernan: I never agreed to that.

"The King of Queens: Maybe Baby (#1.25)" (1999)
[about having a baby]
Carrie Heffernan: Okay, how about this. We leave it in the hands of the Gods. If I make the light, we're having a baby!
Doug Heffernan: Okay, that certainly beats rational discussion.

"The King of Queens: Meet By-Product (#2.17)" (2000)
Lynn: Do you... you know, get in to a lot of fights at the club?
Doug Heffernan: Well, you know, it is... it's... I try everything I can not to fight. It's like I tell my boys. Always be nice. Be very nice. Until it's time to not be nice. Then... be very not nice.
Lynn: [laughs] I love that!
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, I can't take full credit though. Patrick Swayze said it at Road House.
Lynn: Oh, I never saw that movie.
Doug Heffernan: You never saw it...? It's only the greatest movie ever made except for Risky Business.

"The King of Queens: S'ain't Valentine's (#1.16)" (1999)
Richie Iannucci: [Beeper goes off] Oh, it's my beeper. Ah, large fire. I need to go.
Deacon Palmer: Oh hell no.
Richie Iannucci: [Talks to Veronica Olchin] There's a large fire, so uhh... I need to go, bye.
Doug Heffernan: No, no, no! You can't do this!
Richie Iannucci: Later suckers!
[Makes a salute emote]
Deacon Palmer: And now what?
Veronica Olchin: Let's dance!
[Doug and Deacon are looking at Veronica with mouths wide open]

"The King of Queens: Assaulted Nuts (#2.3)" (1999)
Doug Heffernan: Deac ?
Deacon Palmer: What ?
Doug Heffernan: Will you please come to me.
Deacon Palmer: Wassup ?
Doug Heffernan: I'm not sure but I think I may have shot myself.
Deacon Palmer: Where ?
Doug Heffernan: In a very very bad place.
Deacon Palmer: Where ?
Doug Heffernan: Right in the twins playpen.

"The King of Queens: Raygin' Bulls (#8.10)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: Let's shake things up a bit.
Ray Barone: You wanna get a pizza?
Doug Heffernan: No!
Doug Heffernan: Well, yes, I do. But that's not the point!

"The King of Queens: Emotional Rollercoaster (#8.19)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: You said you were happy with your life.
Doug Heffernan: Denial ain't just a river in Spain, honey.

"The King of Queens: Wild Cards (#2.20)" (2000)
Deacon Palmer: You know, I don't like lying to my wife. Doesn't make me feel too good.
Doug Heffernan: [mocking in a wimpy voice] Oh, I don't like lying to my wife. Lying makes my tummy ache.

"The King of Queens: The Rock (#1.7)" (1998)
Salesman: So what are you going to do with the money?
Doug Heffernan: We're putting this money in the bank for our kids' college. Well, right after we get the hot tub and the satellite dish... but then, it's going straight to the bank.

"The King of Queens: Foe: Pa (#6.20)" (2004)
Carrie Heffernan: Any sign of my dad?
Doug Heffernan: No. I thought I saw him in the park, but it was just a weird-shaped kid.

"The King of Queens: Fight Schlub (#8.22)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: Doug, did you see my blue camisol?
Doug Heffernan: I'd be more help if I knew what a camisol was.

"The King of Queens: White Collar (#1.18)" (1999)
Doug Heffernan: [ENTERING HOSPITAL ROOM HOLDING "WORD SEARCH" BOOK, TO COMATOSE CO-WORKER] "Hey, I brought you a crossword puzzle book."

"The King of Queens: Nocturnal Omission (#6.5)" (2003)
Doug Heffernan: [after leaving Deacon's apartment where a smoking-hot stewardess is waiting, to Deacon, imitating hypnotist] We never were here. The last five minutes never happened.

"The King of Queens: Walk, Man (#4.1)" (2001)
Doug Heffernan: How was..."spinning"?
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Great- I feel happy, healthy, and more alive. How was sitting on the couch rotting?
Doug Heffernan: I'll let you know when I'm done.

"The King of Queens: Lost Vegas (#7.1)" (2004)
Doug Heffernan: We need something huge, something nice, thoughtful, sensitive, almost gay.
[turns to Spence]
Doug Heffernan: What you got?

"The King of Queens: Fair Game (#2.16)" (2000)
Doug Heffernan: You know what I really love about being married to you?
Carrie Heffernan: Not having to pay for sex?

"The King of Queens: Roamin' Holiday (#2.10)" (1999)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: [after Arthur asks why Spence is seating in his seat at breakfast] Spence moved out of his mom's house last night, so he's going to stay with us until he gets a place of his own.
Arthur Spooner: Oh, I see. I must have missed the family meeting where all of this was decided.
Doug Heffernan: There was no family meeting about this, Arthur.
Arthur Spooner: Well, God bless fascism!

"The King of Queens: Mentalo Case (#5.11)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: Why are you so obsessed with this toy, anyway?
Doug Heffernan: I guess it reminds me of a simpler time in my life, you know? A time when I didn't have to worry about payin' bills or goin' after that big promotion.
Carrie Heffernan: Okay, you've never done either of those.

"The King of Queens: Paternal Affairs (#1.5)" (1998)
Doug Heffernan: [on if his aunt and Arthur had a kid] That would mean he'd be both my cousin and my brother-in-law. Oh, God, I hear banjo music.

"The King of Queens: Pregnant Pause: Part 2 (#3.25)" (2001)
[Dr. Linhardt is Carrie's gynaecologist]
Carrie Heffernan: This is my husband, Doug.
Dr. Linhardt: Doug, hello, it would seem congratulations are in order.
Doug Heffernan: And to you! It took me two whole dates to go where you're about to go.

"The King of Queens: Queasy Rider (#2.1)" (1999)
Doug Heffernan: So you're gonna get cancer to prove a point?
Carrie Heffernan: Sure! I'll be in an iron lung, you'll be in a wheelchair. Hey, you know what, maybe we can chip in and get a helper monkey!

"The King of Queens: Shear Torture (#8.6)" (2005)
[Doug's hairdresser is a very pretty woman]
Carrie Heffernan: When we got married, you took a sacred vow to me.
Doug Heffernan: To do what, only get my hair cut by ugly people?

"The King of Queens: Offensive Fowl (#9.8)" (2007)
Carrie Heffernan: Doug, I don't understand. You eat fast food two, three times a week. It never occurred to you that animals are involved?
Doug Heffernan: Because they don't make it look like an animal! They're very clever that way.

"The King of Queens: Dog Days (#1.14)" (1999)
[Doug and Carrie can't sleep because of the neighbors' dog]
Doug Heffernan: You know, as long as we can't sleep you wanna take advantage of this and... go to a diner?

"The King of Queens: Hartford Wailer (#8.21)" (2006)
Carrie Heffernan: Didn't you get my message?
Doug Heffernan: No, my phone's on vibrate, I left it in my pocket, and - do you have a cigarette?

"The King of Queens: Window Pain (#5.2)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: Because, they don't know it's banter. They don't know that's just our way of airing things out and we'll make love later.
Doug Heffernan: We will ?

"The King of Queens: Food Fight (#4.13)" (2002)
Carrie Heffernan: [catching 'food-unfaithful' Doug who is sneakily devouring the leftovers of Becky's salad back in the kitchen] You would do this to me over salad?
Doug Heffernan: I am very weak.

"The King of Queens: Mean Streak (#4.3)" (2001)
Doug Heffernan: You see, it's not about me. It's really about what's best for the company, the team. There is no "I" in IPS.

"The King of Queens: Buy Curious (#7.22)" (2005)
Arthur Spooner: Douglas; would this be a good time to talk about my psoriosis?
Doug Heffernan: Arthur, I was sitting here eating and thinking; yeah this would be a good time.
Arthur Spooner: It's moved south. What should I do?
Doug Heffernan: I don't know; I'm not a doctor.
Arthur Spooner: Tell me something I don't know. You're not a doctor.
Doug Heffernan: Arthur; I'll give you $50 to go back downstairs.

"The King of Queens: Multiple Plots (#6.17)" (2004)
Doug Heffernan: [Carrie is making Doug pancakes for breakfast before he goes to work]
Doug Heffernan: You know what? I'll just eat 'em in the car.
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Wait a minute... how are you gonna eat pancakes, drink coffee and drive?
Doug Heffernan: I've eaten wonton soup driving through San Francisco on a motorcycle. I think I can handle a couple of flapjacks.
Doug Heffernan: Could you get the door?

"The King of Queens: Double Downer (#4.14)" (2002)
Doug Heffernan: Salsa dancing? That's got 'split my pants' written all over it.

"The King of Queens: Clothes Encounter (#5.21)" (2003)
Carrie Spooner Heffernan: Well, you said we should get ourselves something that says "we done good" and this says "I done good!"
Doug Heffernan: No, it says "I done spent a crapload of money!"

"The King of Queens: Entertainment Weakly (#7.4)" (2004)
[to Carrie]
Doug Heffernan: Try and keep it together here, and know that I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the situation. We're out of Cocoa Puffs.

"The King of Queens: Gym Neighbors (#7.12)" (2005)
Danny Heffernan: Maybe you should get Lou the Spiderman 2 game.
Doug Heffernan: Yeah, I'm going to get the Incredible Hulk a Spiderman game. Who raised you?

"The King of Queens: No Retreat (#4.5)" (2001)
Kaplan: You a climber Doug?
Doug Heffernan: Ya, ya a little bit, ya.
Kaplan: There's nothing like it, is there?
Doug Heffernan: No there is not.
Kaplan: How high up ya been?
Doug Heffernan: Hmm?
Kaplan: What's the highest elevation you hit?
Doug Heffernan: Ah, ow, ah, 29028 feet.
Kaplan: 29000 feet?, that's Everest, you've climbed Mount Everest?
Doug Heffernan: Yes I did.

"The King of Queens: Vocal Discord (#8.2)" (2005)
Doug Heffernan: I think I know my way around town. I'm a driver, you know.
Carrie Heffernan: Yes, I know. I'm reminded every time I look at your paycheck.