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: There's a new blog out called 'Regrets Only' which posts gossip on women in business. Read what the latest post has. Zoe Burden
: [reading from the printout
] "Which Lily Parish Cosmetic executive has been seen canoodoling all over town with her hot, chocolate ad agency rep? These ladies are sharing more than makeup tips." Mia Mason
: Canoodoling? What the hell is that supposed to mean? Caitlin Dowd
: Never mind. "Hot chocolate"? What does that make me? Mia Mason
: A marshmellow?
: Oh my God! Mia Mason
: What? "Oh my God, good?" Or, "oh my God, bad?" Caitlin Dowd
: Oh my God, crap!
: Look, if you're not into this, if you've had a change of heart... Caitlin Dowd
: I haven't, I haven't! Alicia Lawson
: Good, because I like you, little that I know you. But I'm not your lesbian test drive. Caitlin Dowd
: OK, time out. Honestly? I have been stressed out of my mind with the usual work stuff, and this blog thing, and us. Alicia Lawson
: Us? If this is stressing you out, then what are we even... Caitlin Dowd
: No, the thing is, I get like this. And I need you to hang with it. I'm not stressing out because I'm gay or I'm straight. I don't really care anymore if I'm gay or I'm straight. I just... I need to be in control of my life and this past week, I haven't been. OK? I really want to kiss you right now.
[points to the pimple on her forehead
] Caitlin Dowd
: Is this zit going to be a problem? Alicia Lawson
: Not if I'm too close to see it.
: [into the phone
] I'm sorry, I just... I wasn't sure. Not about you. Just, all of it. Alicia Lawson
: [into the phone
] Caitlin, I saw the blog. Are you okay? Caitlin Dowd
: Yeah. Just kinda came out of left field... for me... all of this. Alicia Lawson
: Can we get together? Let's meet tonight for a drink. We really need to talk. Caitlin Dowd
: Yeah. Some place dark would be good.
: It's not bad enough I'm slammed at work. I get outed as a blind item in this ridiculous blog? Whatever happened to a woman's right to kiss another woman in public without it being posted all over the internet? I hate the freaking internet! Mia Mason
: Stop it! You're spinning. Caitlin Dowd
: I know! But I was just exploring all of this, and now I'm a parlor game for bored assistants. And, I haven't heard from Alicia for days. I don't even know what she's thinking. Mia Mason
: The phone works both ways. You can call her. I'm sure she's wondering what you're thinking. Caitlin Dowd
: I just dip my toe in the gay pond and I'm outed?
: Am I ready to be a parent, which I would have to do with this other parent, Olivia, who already hates me and is my doppelganger? Mia Mason
: I didn't think she was that pretty.
: First, you're straight. Then, you're gay. Then, you're bi. Caitlin Dowd
: And now, I'm getting drunk. Olivia Case
: This is my baby, and you just don't seem like much of a role model. Caitlin Dowd
: How do you know so much about me? Did Alicia tell you that? Olivia Case
: Here's another thing. I hope you don't plan on having this kid call you "Mommy." This family's topping out at two mommies. Caitlin Dowd
: Listen, you have no genetic relation to this child and neither do I. The only one who does is Alicia, so maybe we should be letting her make some of the calls. Olivia Case
: You've got a lot to learn about lesbians.
: Olivia! Caitlin Dowd
: Olivia? Alicia Lawson
: My ex, the one I was trying to get pregnant with. Olivia Case
: You must be Caitlin. I didn't mean for this to be so awkward. Caitlin Dowd
: It wouldn't have been, if we'd known you were coming. Olivia Case
: Alicia told me about the appointment. Alicia Lawson
: I didn't think you wanted to be here. Olivia Case
: Why wouldn't I? It's my baby, too. Dr. Jane
: The baby looks healthy, in case anyone's wondering.
: Maybe this is the universe telling me things aren't over between me and Jack. Caitlin Dowd
: Please don't go by the universe. Every time I've done that, I end up in a strange apartment, hunting for my thong.
: My girlfriend is pregnant. My girlfriend is pregnant. You say it. Mia Mason
: Your girlfriend is pregnant. Caitlin Dowd
: No. It still sounds crazy. I mean, what do I do? Do I stay with her? What does that make me, other mommy? Mommy Two? Mia Mason
: Bitch. Caitlin Dowd
: I think I prefer Mommy Two.
: Mia got the job, and Jack called it off. Caitlin Dowd
: Oh, my God. I'm so sorry. And screw him. Mia Mason
: Well, not anymore
: I think the real danger you're in here is ending up crazy and alone like Aunt Ruth. Because you weren't brave enough to put yourself out there or sure enough of God's love to realize that you deserve to be loved too, for who you are. Caitlin Dowd
: The Pope would have your collar if he heard you talking like that. Dan Dowd
: I'm talking not just as your priest, but as your brother, and I want what's best for you. You've been dating for 20 years. Caitlin Dowd
: 15! Dan Dowd
: Whatever. And at some point, I think it's okay if you admit that it's not about finding the right guy anymore. It's about the right person. Caitlin Dowd
: Well, I don't even know if she's gay or straight. I don't know if I'm gay! I'm just... I don't know if she even gave me a second thought. Just, there was this vibe, you know? We're just going for drinks. Drinks are safe. You think? Dan Dowd
: I think you can do better than me for the dating do's and don'ts. Caitlin Dowd
: That's true.
: Forgive me, Father, for I have sinned. It's been God only knows when since my last confession, and here are my sins. Um... I think I might be gay. I don't know if I'm gay. Oh, God.
: Jesus, Mary, and Joseph! We're all wearing black? Zoe Burden
: Well, it is New York.
[Juliet walks in and sees everyone wearing dark suites
] Juliet Draper
: Okay. Who died?
: I have a teleconference with Tokyo. I gotta run. I love you. Zoe Burden
: My nanny quit. Mia Mason
: Oh, no... Zoe Burden
: A whole thing... Juliet Draper
: I have to have sex with Davis. Caitlin Dowd
, Zoe Burden
, Mia Mason
: OH! Juliet Draper
: He's going on a business trip tomorrow. It's superstitious good luck thing with us. Mia Mason
: Kind of like a little bone-voyage?
: Denis, the show is in two hours. Denis
: I'm sorry, but I can't do art on a timetable. Caitlin Dowd
: Yes, you can. That is what I paid you for. Okay, is there anything actually finished on here that a human being could wear? Denis
: We did a pair of pants and some city shorts. Caitlin Dowd
: I gave you the opportunity of a lifetime, and you're showing me a pair of fricking shorts?
: I can do this. Caitlin Dowd
: Under pressure? Can you pull enough of these pieces together by Friday so we can have some semblance of a show? Denis
: Semblance? Was Tom Ford's first for Gucci a "semblance of a show"? Caitlin Dowd
: Oh, aim high. I like that. Go. Start. Sew.
: OK. I'll say it. You're nervous about mixing friends and business. Juliet Draper
: I am not!
] Juliet Draper
: Okay, I am... a little. Caitlin Dowd
: We always mix friends and business. We do! We just did. Isn't that the point?
: That ungrateful little meiskeit. I was supporting that pishkeh when he was nothing! Caitlin Dowd
: Blond, Irish, brother who's a priest? The only Yiddish I know is 'shmear' and 'shiksa'. Translation?
: Look, if someone doesn't want to be on a date with me, then guess what? They don't have to be on a date with me. Caitlin Dowd
: That guy at the club last night, when he asked me if I was with you, I should have said it. I didn't want to say it. He'd just ask me questions. Am I gay? Am I straight? Am I with you? These are things other people know about themselves that I, apparently, don't know about myself. It's really scary to realize you don't know them. I've never even had a really serious, really successful relationship. I don't think I can honestly say I've even had a semi-serious, moderately successful relationship. These are things you should probably know about me before you get in a relationship with me. Alicia Lawson
: Caitlin, we just met a week ago. We haven't even had a complete date yet. Caitlin Dowd
: So, too soon for the R-word then?
: What are you doing here? Aren't you supposed to be on your "lady date"? Caitlin Dowd
: I screwed it up! We ran into this guy I used to go out with and I should have told him to get lost, but I didn't. Mia Mason
: Ugh! Caitlin Dowd
: I know! I just stood there, this guy I used to go out with on one side of me, and this girl I'm going out with on the other side of me, and I'm thinking to myself, "Do I even know how to have a relationship?" 'Cause I don't think I do! My life is like a romantic comedy that's never romantic... or comedic. My life is nothing like a romantic comedy!
: [to Caitlin
] You're gay now? Mia Mason
: Oh, she's not gay. You know what? She's hip. It's the thing to do. It's like when everyone was pregnant, you know. Lesbians are the new babies. Caitlin Dowd
: Excuse me, can the possible lesbian answer that question? I don't know if I'm gay or I'm straight. I don't want to join a union yet or anything. I met someone I like. It happens to be a woman. That's all I got. Just please, be supportive. I don't want your opinion or permission. And don't act like this never happened to any of you. Mia Mason
: Well, I went to Wellesley. It's practically part of the curriculum. Zoe Burden
: I made out with Jenny McGruber at summer camp. She was really good at lanyard. I had some amazing plastic jewelry that summer. Juliet Draper
: I was trying to process one lesbian...
[stares at Mia and Zoe
] Juliet Draper
: Now I have three.
: Let's do you next. What man do you want from this list? Caitlin Dowd
: I'm good. Zoe Burden
: What? What do you mean "You're good?" You're never "good". Caitlin Dowd
: Thanks a lot. I am... have a date. Zoe Burden
: Really? Juliet Draper
: You did mention last week you kissed someone. Mia Mason
: You've been holding out on us. With whom? Caitlin Dowd
: With a woman.
[Mia, Zoe, and Juliet all stare wide-eyed and shocked at Caitlin
] Mia Mason
: You really have been holding out on us!
: So, like a month into it, my first real girl thing, great dates, great but different sex, she turns to me and goes, "I'm pregnant." Sam Morgan
: Whoa. You don't see that coming. Caitlin Dowd
: No, you do not. And isn't that something you share with someone before getting in a relationship with them? Sam Morgan
: Did she just find out or was she trying to hide it from you? Caitlin Dowd
: She's like, three months along! Sam Morgan
: And you didn't notice any weight gain or... Caitlin Dowd
: I thought it was, like, "I'm so in love" poundage. There is nothing in the self-help section for this particular twist, I'll tell you that right now.
: Why is it so hard for you to be straight with me? Caitlin Dowd
: No pun intended? Alicia Lawson
: No jokes, Caitlin. Caitlin Dowd
: Excuse me, I like joking. It saves the people I care about from hearing what I really think, like, I dunno, say, somebody's trying to bust me for not being straight with them, when meanwhile, she knew she was pregnant way before she let me in on it? Alicia Lawson
: All right! Caitlin Dowd
: I mean come on! Alicia Lawson
: All right, all right! Look. It's perfectly normal for you to do the going-back-and-forth thing. And you throw in that I'm pregnant, and I'd have been shocked if you hadn't. Caitlin Dowd
: Wait. So now you're cool with it? Alicia Lawson
: I don't want to own you. I just want to trust you. No, I'm not cool with it. I'm a little crushed, to tell you the truth. And, it also took me about an hour and a half to figure out what I was going to wear to lunch with you, so...
: Sweetie, I didn't want to tell you until I was a hundred percent sure it was for real this time. I'm pregnant. Caitlin Dowd
: How? Alicia Lawson
: A donor. My ex and I had been trying for a while. And after we split up, I was still in such a place of wanting a child, I tried one last time.
] Alicia Lawson
: Aren't you going to say something? Caitlin Dowd
: Uh... Congratulations?