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Quotes for
Penny (Character)
from "The Big Bang Theory" (2007)

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"The Big Bang Theory: The Anything Can Happen Recurrence (#7.21)" (2014)
[first lines]
Penny: So, we're about to shoot this scene in a movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay.
Penny: But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I ask the director why and he says it's important for the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.
Penny: Oh, and there's not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.

Penny: Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend?
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie?

Sheldon Cooper: What can we do that's fun?
Leonard Hofstadter: What can we do that's different?
Penny: What can we do that's free?

Sheldon Cooper: So, we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?
Penny: Yup.
Sheldon Cooper: Great. See, this is how Anything-Can-Happen Thursday turns into It-Won't-Stop-Coming-Up Friday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?
Sheldon Cooper: Fusion *and* Asians? I'm trying not to think about science.

Sheldon Cooper: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money.

Sheldon Cooper: [to the psychic] You know what this is? Yeah, and I reserve this word for those rare instances when it's *truly* deserved. This is malarkey.
[he storms out]
Penny: Wow, you really struck a nerve. I've never heard him use the 'M' word before.

Penny: So we're about to shoot this scene in the movie where this killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard Hofstadter: O.K.
Penny: But I realized their gluing everywhere except my cleavage. So I ask the director why and he says it's important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.
Penny: Oh there's not even a bathroom on the set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed as half an ape and I wasn't even close to the most disgusting person in there.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry. I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I kinda wanted one night where we didn't have to hear about how miserable you were making this movie.
Amy Farrah Fowler: None of that means we don't love you.
Penny, Leonard Hofstadter: I don't complain that much about the movie, have I?
Leonard Hofstadter: I also love you.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't mean to be rude or discourteous, but before we begin, I'd just like to say there is absolutely no scientific evidence to support clairvoyance of any kind. Which means again, no insult intended, that you're a fraud, your profession is a swindle and your livelihood is depended upon the gullibility of stupid people. But again, no offense.
Penny: Sheldon, ask your question.
Sheldon Cooper: OK, I just did. What was it?
Penny: Oh, for God sakes. Look he's a physicist who trying to figure out what his next field of study should be.
Sheldon Cooper: For your information I was asking her about the next Star Trek movie.
Penny: I can answer that one. I'll be bored.
Ms. Davora: All right. Why don't we begin? Your spirit guide is telling me that there's a woman in your life that you're having problems with.
Sheldon Cooper: That's an easy guess. I'm a clearly annoying person and have problems with both genders.
Ms. Davora: I know. You clearly are. But I'm seeing a specific woman that you're in a romantic relationship with.
Penny: Oh, oh. Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: The majority of people have dark hair. Even you at one time.
Ms. Davora: Does she work in a similar field to you?
Sheldon Cooper, Penny: Ha. The opposite. She's a neurobiologist, I'm a theoretical physicist. My spirit guide can go suck an egg.
Ms. Davora: They're telling me that you have difficulty being close with her.
Penny: Oh, he does. He so does. What should he do?
Ms. Davora: He should give himself to this relationship. Once he does all his other pursuits will come into focus.
Penny: Sheldon, did you hear that? Amy is the key to your happiness.
Ms. Davora: Exactly. Personally and professionally everything will fall into place once you commit to her.
Sheldon Cooper: Do you what this is? I reserve this word for those rear instances for it is truly deserving. This is malarkey.
Penny: Wow. You really struck a nerve. I never heard him use the M word before.

Penny: Hey, maybe the answer to your career question is in one of these
[fortune cookies]
Penny: .
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, there's only one cookie with something in the middle that solves life's problems and that's an Oreo. Or a Nutter Butter if you're in a pinch.

Penny: [Sees Amy and Bernadette at a cafe] Son of a bitch! Bernadette isn't working late!
Sheldon Cooper: And Amy doesn't look sick.
Penny: Why would they lie to us?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy and Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy and Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy and Bernadette. Why would you lie to us?

Sheldon Cooper: Uh...
Penny: What's wrong?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand my food. It's Chinese noodles, Korean barbecue, and a taco.
Penny: It's fusion.
Sheldon Cooper: My mother would lock her car doors if she had to drive through this hodgepodge of ethnicity.

Penny: [Reads her fortune cookie] "People turn to you for guidance and wisdom." That's a good one.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's not. Turn to you for guidance and wisdom? That cookie is clearly mocking you. You'd never get that kind of sass from a Nutter Butter.
Penny: Since you're paying for dinner, I'll let that slide.
[Gives Sheldon a cookie]
Penny: Read.
Sheldon Cooper: Have you ever paid for a meal?
Penny: Not with money. Read.
Sheldon Cooper: [Reads] "Your warm and fun-loving nature delights those around you."
Penny: Nope, try again.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Experiment (#3.10)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon is trying to teach Penny about physics, but she's having a rough go of it] Why are you crying?
Penny: Because I'm stupid!
Sheldon Cooper: That's no reason to cry. One cries because one is sad. For example, I cry because others are stupid, and it makes me sad.

Leonard Hofstadter: Relax, it'll be fine. Sit down, you guys.
Leonard Hofstadter, Penny, Raj Koothrappali: [as Bernadette goes for Sheldon's spot] No!
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Oh, yeah. You can't sit there.
Bernadette: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette: He can't sit somewhere else?
[from across the room Sheldon turns, stares and raises an eyebrow a freakishly long way]
Penny: Oh, no, no. You see, in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

[first lines]
Penny: Hey, Leonard. Check this out.
[Throws a dumpling up in the air and catches it with her mouth]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, she's doing it again.
Leonard Hofstadter: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution.
[Turns to Raj]
Sheldon Cooper: This is essentially why you have famine in India.
[Raj shakes his head no at Penny]
Penny: [Mouth open so the dumpling is visible] You want me to put it back?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard...
Leonard Hofstadter: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.

Bernadette: Don't take him too seriously. A lot of what he says is intended as humor.
Penny: Yeah, well, I don't think it's very funny.
Bernadette: Me, neither. But, he just lights up when I laugh.
Penny: Howard, never let her go.

Sheldon Cooper: Why can't Leonard teach you?
Penny: 'Cause I want to surprise him.
Sheldon Cooper: Can't you surprise him in some other way? For example, I'm sure he'd be delightfully taken aback if you cleaned your apartment.

Sheldon Cooper: And what do we know from this?
Penny: Um. We know that... Newton was a really smart cookie. Oh, is that where Fig Newtons come from?
Sheldon Cooper: No, Fig Newtons are named after a small town in Massachusetts. Don't write that down!

Penny: Look, can we just please forget about all this extra stuff, and can you just tell me what Leonard does?
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Leonard is attempting to learn why sub-atomic particles move the way they do.
Penny: Really? That's it? Well, that doesn't sound so complicated.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not. That's why Leonard does it.

Penny: Oh, come on, a smart guy like you; it'll be a challenge. You could make it like an experiment.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. I suppose if someone could teach sign language to Koko the gorilla... I could teach you some rudimentary physics.
Penny: Great! A little insulting, but great. I'll be Koko.
Sheldon Cooper: Not likely. Koko learned to understand over two thousand words, not one of which had anything to do with shoes.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Most people aren't that interested in what I do.
Penny: Ahem. Actually, that's not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I've been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment the transport of electrons through the aperture of the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands.
[Leonard is astounded]
Penny: Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analog of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect.
[Everyone is dumbfounded]
Penny: That's it; that's all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.

Penny: [Sheldon is giving her a long-winded history lesson on physics] I have to go to the bathroom.
Sheldon Cooper: Can't you hold it?
Penny: Not for 2600 years.

Sheldon Cooper: All right, let us begin. Where's your notebook?
Penny: Um... I don't have one.
Sheldon Cooper: How are you going to take notes without a notebook?
Penny: I have to take notes?
Sheldon Cooper: How else are you going to study for the tests?
Penny: There's gonna be a test?
Sheldon Cooper: [stressing the plural] Tests.
[Sheldon gets a notebook from his desk and hands it to her]
Sheldon Cooper: Here. It's college ruled; I hope that's not too intimidating.

Sheldon Cooper: [trying to teach Penny physics] How can you not know? I just told you. Did you suffer a recent blow to the head?
Penny: Hey, you don't have to be mean.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry.
[trying to sound more cheerful]
Sheldon Cooper: Did you suffer a recent blow to the head?

Penny: Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He can't sit somewhere else?
Penny: Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Panty Piñata Polarization (#2.7)" (2008)
Penny: What was my first strike?
Sheldon Cooper: March eighteenth. You violated my rule about forwarding e-mail humor.
Penny: I did?
Sheldon Cooper: The photo of a cat who wants to "haz cheezburger"?
Penny: Oh, come on, everyone loves LOLcats. They're cute, and they can't spell, 'cause they're cats.

Sheldon Cooper: You can't do that. Not only is it a violation of California State law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Penny: Yeah, I know; there's a new policy: No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.

Penny: [to Sheldon] Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?

Sheldon Cooper: Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Penny: Yeah, well your "ken" can kiss my Barbie.

Penny: [Referring to her underwear] How the hell did you get them up on that telephone wire?
Sheldon Cooper: When you understand the laws of physics, Penny, anything is possible. And may I add, "Mwah, ha, ha."
Penny: Get them down.
Sheldon Cooper: Apologize.
Penny: Never!
Sheldon Cooper: Well then may I suggest you get a very long stick and play panty pinata.

Penny: [after Leonard gives her Sheldon's "kryptonite", which makes even her uneasy] Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but... this?
Leonard Hofstadter: It'll shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives.

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.
Penny: I don't care. I was in Junior Rodeo. I can hogtie and castrate him in sixty seconds.
Howard Wolowitz: No need to neuter the nerd, I can get you back online.

Penny: Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well now it's Junior Rodeo on.
Leonard Hofstadter: [softly, in a worried tone] Ohhh, not Junior Rodeo.

[Penny has innocently taken an onion ring from Sheldon's plate of food]
Penny: I didn't know. I'm sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: You have two strikes. Three strikes, and you're out.
[Penny looks at him blankly]
Sheldon Cooper: It's a sports metaphor.
Penny: A sports metaphor?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, baseball.

Penny: [Knock-knock-knock] Sheldon!
Penny: Sheldon!
Penny: Sheldon!

Sheldon Cooper: Penny.
Penny: Yes?
Sheldon Cooper: Well played.
Penny: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: Just remember, with great power cones great responsibility.
Penny: Understood.

Sheldon Cooper: You're sitting in my spot.
Penny: Oh, gee... you gotta be kidding me.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, she's in my spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, yeah. Uh... see, here's the thing: after you leave, I still have to live with him.
Penny: I don't care. I'm taking a stand. Metaphorically.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Work Song Nanocluster (#2.18)" (2009)
Penny: If this takes off I won't have to be a waitress anymore.
Sheldon Cooper: But then who will bring me my cheeseburger on Tuesday nights?
Penny: Another waitress?
Sheldon Cooper: What's her name?
Penny: I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: And you're going to let her handle my food?
Penny: Nancy. Her name is Nancy.
Sheldon Cooper: I think you're just making that up!

Penny: Okay, you know what, if I'm not allowed to be snide, you are not allowed to be condescending.
Sheldon Cooper: That wasn't a part of our original agreement, and I do not agree to it now!

Penny: [about the website Leonard designed for Penny's business] It seems a little juvenile. It looks like the MySpace page of a thirteen year-old girl.
Leonard Hofstadter: No it doesn't!
Howard Wolowitz: Dateline could use it to attract predators.

Sheldon Cooper: [Talking about Penny's home business] Ten dollars a day times five days a week times 52 weeks a year is 2,600 dollars.
Penny: That's all?
Sheldon Cooper: Before taxes.
Penny: Well, I don't have to pay taxes on this stuff.
Sheldon Cooper: I believe the Internal Revenue Service would strongly disagree.

Sheldon Cooper: [Talking about Penny's proposed home-based business] If you took advantage of modern marketing techniques, and you optimized your manufacturing process, you might be able to make this a viable business.
Penny: And you know about that stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: [patronizing] Penny - I'm a physicist. I have a working knowledge of the entire universe and everything it contains.
Penny: Who's Radiohead?
Sheldon Cooper: [with facial tic] I have a working knowledge of the _important_ things in the universe.

Sheldon Cooper: [after timing how long it took Penny to make a decorative hair barrette] Based on your cost in materials and your wholesale selling price, you'll effectively be paying yourself five dollars and nineteen cents a day.
Penny: A day?
Sheldon Cooper: There are children in a sneaker factory in Indonesia who out-earn you.

Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps we could expand our market.
Penny: How are flower barrettes gonna appeal to men?
Howard Wolowitz: We add Bluetooth!
Sheldon Cooper: Brilliant! Men love Bluetooth!
Penny: Wait a minute. Wait a minute. You want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny - Everything is better with Bluetooth.

[Sheldon delivers a package to Penny]
Sheldon Cooper: [Presents clip board] Excuse me! You have to sign this.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: When I signed for the package, I was deputized by the United Parcel Service and entrusted with its final delivery. I now need you to acknowledge receipt of the package so that I am fully indemnified and no longer liable.
Penny: Sheldon, it's just a box of rhinestones!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, the contents are irrelevant. A legal bailment has been created. Does that mean nothing to you?
Penny: It means nothing to anybody!

Sheldon Cooper: Before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process. To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.
Penny: Yeah, it's a bitch!
Howard Wolowitz: [Inspecting bottle of glitter] Ah, I've seen this before.
Penny: Where?
Howard Wolowitz: It's a common stripper problem: they dance, they sweat, they clump.

Penny: How the hell are we gonna make a thousand Penny Blossoms
[Penny's hair product]
Penny: in one day?... I'm gonna have to call them and cancel that order.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but was this not your goal? Financial independence through entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation? My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
Penny: I just don't see how we can pull this off.
Sheldon Cooper: That, right there! That equivocation and self-doubt. That is not the American spirit. Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo? Did Jim Bowie?
Howard Wolowitz: They didn't give up, they were massacred! By like a gazillion angry Mexicans!

Sheldon Cooper: Look at Planck's Constant. People say it's arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let's reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that's not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we're being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let's call it universe prime, there's another Sheldon, let's call him Sheldon prime...
Penny: We should have let him go to bed.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bam.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Congruence (#3.11)" (2009)
[first lines]
Penny: Ah, I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon Cooper: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Deck the Halls] Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Penny: You really didn't like it, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character. And I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
Leonard Hofstadter: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!

Penny: C'mon, I mean you're not upset that your marriage is over?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, initially I did feel something akin to grief and perhaps anger. But that's the natural reaction of the limbic system to being betrayed by a loathsome son of a bitch.
Penny: Sure, sure.
Beverly Hofstadter: Thankfully my shock was somewhat mitigated by the fact that I haven't had intercourse with him in eight years.
Penny: Eight years?
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, that's nothing. I've been responsible for my own orgasms since 1982.
Penny: Yikes.
[Beverly snickers]
Penny: OK, what's so funny?
Beverly Hofstadter: That's exactly what I say during orgasms. Yikes.

Penny: Hey, Bev. Guess what?
Beverly Hofstadter: What?
Penny: I'm sleeping with your son.
Beverly Hofstadter: Really? Which one?
Penny: The one from whom I live across the hall... from.
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, that's convenient. How'd his penis turn out?
Penny: Oh, Beverly, I-I can't talk to my boyfriend's mother about his penis.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, fair enough. What can you tell me if anything about that busboy's penis?
Penny: Actually, I've only had the cheesecake.

Beverly Hofstadter: [to Leonard] Why didn't you tell me you were tapping my homegirl?
Beverly Hofstadter: [to Penny] Did I say that right?
Penny: Yeah. Not bad. Not bad.

Beverly Hofstadter: [after hugging Leonard] I'm getting a warm feeling spreading through my heart.
Penny: That's the Del Taco.
Sheldon Cooper: Why is Leonard softly banging his head against his bedroom door?
Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of warm feelings, come here!
[Kisses Sheldon square on the lips]
Beverly Hofstadter: No, I'd rather have the busboy.

Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon, I do hope you forgive me for my inappropriate behavior last night.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't blame you. You were intoxicated.
Beverly Hofstadter: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: I blame Penny.
Penny: I blame Penny too. Bad Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What inappropriate behavior?
Beverly Hofstadter: I think it's best that you don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Agreed.
Penny: Agreed.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell. Agreed.

Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me. I'm divorcing yours.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. He was cheating on me.
Leonard Hofstadter: No!
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress.
[to Penny]
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, no offense, dear.
Penny: [sarcastically] No, it sounded like a compliment.
Leonard Hofstadter: When did this happen?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, let's see... Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard's father?
Sheldon Cooper: September 22nd.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, that's right. The weekend after Leonard's dog died.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mitzy's dead?
Sheldon Cooper: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?

Beverly Hofstadter: [Mrs. Hofstader & Penny are drinking in a bar] I feel a spreading warmth through my extremities.
Penny: As long as you don't feel it running down your pants, you're fine.

Leonard Hofstadter: Mom, you remember Penny.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh yes, the waitress slash actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his 'little slugger' growing breasts?
Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm going to say no.

[last lines]
Beverly Hofstadter: I want you to take very good care of this young woman.
Penny: Ohhh, thank you, Beverly.
Beverly Hofstadter: You're welcome. She doesn't have much in the way of career prospects; don't make her responsible for her own orgasms as well.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mother, remember when I was complaining that you don't communicate with me enough?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, dear.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm over it.
Penny: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la.

Leonard Hofstadter: Mom, you remember Penny?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, the waitress-slash-actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger finally growing breasts?
Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm gonna say no.
Howard Wolowitz: If it helps, we're all good with your breasts.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Classic overcompensation.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Intimacy Acceleration (#8.16)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: Well, what I meant was... I often misinterpret how others are feeling. Like, I can't always tell if someone is only joking or laughing at me. You know, if they're mad at something I've done or just in a bad mood. It's incredibly stressful.
Penny: Really? You always seem so confident.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm not. And if I could read people's minds, life would be so much simpler.
Penny: Well, now I wish I had the ability to make that stuff easier for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
Penny: Wow, I just felt this wave of affection for you.
Sheldon Cooper: [referring to Penny's glass of wine] Are you sure it's not too much Bible juice?
Penny: ...And the wave is gone.

Sheldon Cooper: What?
Penny: Just thinking about the day I met you and Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: It was a Monday afternoon. You joined us for Indian food.
Penny: Can you believe it's been eight years?
Sheldon Cooper: And you're still eating our food.

Penny: Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Sheldon Cooper: Hmm. Living or dead?
Penny: Just says "anyone in the world." Guess that means living.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's just as well. As much as I'd love to meet Euclid, inventor of the geometric proof, he probably wore sandals, and I cannot look at toes during dinner. Oh, I know! The person I'd most like to have dinner with is myself.
Penny: You sure that's your choice? 'Cause I've had that dinner.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I haven't. And while they say never meet your heroes, I just don't see how I could disappoint. Who would you choose?
Penny: Robert Downey Jr.
Sheldon Cooper: You... Oh! I didn't think of Iron Man. You know, maybe after myself and I have dinner, we can meet you two for dessert.

Sheldon Cooper: What would constitute a perfect day for you?
Penny: Oh. Well, I'd probably sleep in, do a little yoga, then lie on the beach while cute cabana boys brought me drinks, and probably get a massage, and then cap off the night with some dancing.
Sheldon Cooper: That's it?
Penny: Yeah, why?
Sheldon Cooper: You didn't mention Leonard.
Penny: [pauses, looking a little guilty] He's there.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't think so. Leonard can't stand yoga, the beach, massages, or dancing.
Penny: Yeah, well, he brought a book, okay, what's yours?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, I wake up. Uh, I enjoy some French toast with butter and syrup. Then a wormhole opens and whisks me millions of years into the future, where my towering intellect is used to save the last remnants of mankind from a predatory alien race.
Penny: Interesting. You didn't mention Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Who do you think made the French toast with butter and syrup?

Sheldon Cooper: If you could wake up tomorrow, having gained any one quality or ability, what would it be?
Penny: Well, not to steal from the Bible, but turning water into wine sounds pretty good.

Penny: Honestly, if I could have one quality, I wish I could be as smart as you guys.
Sheldon Cooper: Ha! Keep dreaming.

Penny: If you were to die this evening with no opportunity to communicate with anyone, what would you most regret not having told someone?
Sheldon Cooper: So it would be today? Huh. Well, I suppose there's something satisfying about dying on my birthday.
Penny: Today's your birthday?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Penny: Well, that's always been a secret! Not even Amy knows.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I don't enjoy presents. And the thought of people jumping out and yell, "Surprise!" fills me with more dread than the words "George Lucas' Director's Cut."

Penny: That is so funny. I never would have pegged you for a Pisces.
Sheldon Cooper: You're making it difficult to love you right now.

Penny: What about you, Raj? Would you use that test on Emily?
Raj Koothrappali: No, I have my family's wealth for that.

Sheldon Cooper: If the test is successful and you fall in love with me, will you take me to Geneva Lake, Wisconsin for Gary Con? It's the only convention in the world dedicated to Gary Gygax, co-creator of Dungeons and Dragons.
Penny: Sheldon, if this test works, not only will I take you, I will buy you all the dragon shirts you want.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, little lady, let's go!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cushion Saturation (#2.16)" (2009)
Penny: [Penny turns over the sofa cushion to hide the paint spot on Sheldon's seat] There! Looks fine, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm... butt print. There's not discernible butt print.
Penny: Oh, come on.
[Sits on cushion]
Penny: There! Butt print.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's too small and too... perfect.
Penny: Thank you!

Penny: [after unsuccessfully trying to clean the paint off Sheldon's seat] What are we going to do?
Leonard Hofstadter: We? No, no, no. You had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now. Right now you are you, and you are screeewwwed!

Penny: Sheldon, I am really, really sorry, but it's only for a week. Can't you be a little bit flexible?
[Leonard, Howard, Raj and Sheldon all look at her]
Penny: Yeah, sorry, I didn't really think that through.

[before the paintball match]
Sheldon Cooper: There's just one thing before we start.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is it, Sheldon?
[Sheldon shoots Penny with his paintball gun]
Penny: What the hell?
Sheldon Cooper: That was for my cushion!
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, Leonard, but revenge is a dish best served cold.
Penny: Screw that!
[Penny shoots Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: She can't shoot me, she's dead!
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] He's right, you can't.
[shoots Sheldon himself]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, if we're going to descend into anarchy...
[shoots Leonard]

Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then, what difference does it make?
Sheldon Cooper: What difference does it make?
Leonard Hofstadter: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: That is my spot, in an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0.
Penny: [blank stare] What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sit in his spot.
Penny: Fine.
[changes spots]
Penny: Happy?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not unhappy.
[Sheldon exits]
Penny: Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?
Penny: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: That is my desk chair. That is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] Wackadoodle.
Howard Wolowitz: You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here.
[to Raj]
Howard Wolowitz: Get up.
[places Raj's cushion in Sheldon's spot]
Howard Wolowitz: There, problem solved.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: Nobody cares where you're gonna sit, you're not crazy.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in it's place, would that be problem solved?
Leonard Hofstadter: If it were your head, it would be.

Penny: There, nice and comfy, cozy. 0-0-0.
Sheldon Cooper: There's one more 0. You forgot the time perimeter.
Penny: Sit on the damn couch.
[sniffs the couch, slowly sits, for barely an instant]
Sheldon Cooper: Nope.
Penny: What do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Nothing! It's what's wrong with him!
Penny: It's exactly the same...
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
Sheldon Cooper: More?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, from Szechwan Palace.
Leonard Hofstadter: Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.
Sheldon Cooper: What? Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Leonard Hofstadter: Golden Dragon.
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon drops into the spot] No. No, this isn't right. No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
Sheldon Cooper: But - oh this changes everything.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
Sheldon Cooper: What's real? What isn't? How can I know?
Penny: You did make that up right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I wish I had.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, buddy?
Sheldon Cooper: I still don't like this cushion.

Leonard Hofstadter: [trying to tell Sheldon that Penny accidentally made a mess of his cushion] You know what the best thing about friends is?
Sheldon Cooper: They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, friends forgive the little things.
Penny: You know, I'm gonna go home and wash my hair, so...
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you dare, missy!

Penny: Oooh, is this one of those paintball guns?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, you ought to come with use sometime.
Penny: Oh, no thanks. I'm from Nebraska; when we shoot things it's because we want to eat 'em or make 'em leave our boyfriends alone.

Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then what difference does it make?
Sheldon: What difference does it make?
Leonard Hofstadter: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be 0-0-0-0.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sit in his spot.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Engagement Reaction (#4.23)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: Do you know where the phrase jibber-jabber comes from?
Penny: Oh, my God, you're about to jibber-jabber about jibber-jabber.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, let's go!
Sheldon Cooper: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.
Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there. We're going!
Sheldon Cooper: I can't.
Penny: Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of germs.
Sheldon Cooper: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. The same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives; just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah-uh, fine, I'll tell Howard you didn't come because you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.
Sheldon Cooper: I would think he would know that.
Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something, and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel.

Penny: You picked up your mother? Her own legs are barely able to do that.
Howard Wolowitz: I was filled with adrenaline. It happens to be how women lift cars off of babies.
Penny: Yeah, I'm saying it'd be easier to lift a car.
Howard Wolowitz: What can I tell you? After I found the courage to put her pants back on, I was unstoppable.

Howard Wolowitz: Mom also had just gotten some news that might've upset her.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What?
Howard Wolowitz: It's not important.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come on, Howard, I'm going to be your wife. You can share anything with me.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think that, but no.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You told her we were going to get married and she had a heart attack?
Howard Wolowitz: You can't take that personally.
Penny: How else is she supposed to take it?
Howard Wolowitz: What you've gotta keep in mind is that ever since my dad left, I've been the whole world to my mother. I mean, she'd be threatened by any woman who can give me what she can't.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean sexual intercourse?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, when you say it like that, you make it sound creepy.
[Priya and Raj enter]
Priya Koothrappali: What happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's mother had a heart attack because I have sex with him and she can't!

Priya Koothrappali: It's nice of you to show up for Howard
Penny: Howard is my friend
[she giggles]
Priya Koothrappali: Did I miss something?
Penny: Howard Wolowitz is my friend, you know one time he tried to stick his tongue down my throat and I broke his nose?
Priya Koothrappali: That's easier to believe than he's your friend

Leonard Hofstadter: What took you guys so long?
Priya Koothrappali: Oh, we were just chatting.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's nice. What about?
Penny: We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
[Penny and Leonard laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: [uncomfortable] That's funny.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj Koothrappali: [after Penny and Priya walk to their seats] What if she wasn't kidding?
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter. I'm the king of foreplay.

Penny: Hey, do me a favor and take table 7?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You mean the one with my 118-pound rock-hard stud of a fiancé who's prone to canker sores and pinkeye?
Penny: No, I prefer to look at it as the one with my ex-boyfriend and his gorgeous, successful, sophisticated girlfriend who makes me feel like a toothless Okie.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Do you want me to spill hot soup on her?
Penny: Oh please, you're not that kind of person.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know. But if she orders something low-fat, I'll totally give her the full-fat version.

Priya Koothrappali: You know, my brother had a group of friends like this in India. They dressed up in leotards and goggles and called themselves 'The New Delhi Power Rangers'.
Penny: You mean when he was little.
Priya Koothrappali: Not as little as you'd want him to be.

Howard Wolowitz: It was either a heart attack, or a heart attack like event.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: A heart attack like event is an event that's like a heart attack.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Werewolf Transformation (#5.18)" (2012)
Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair. I could do it for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill-folk. But here in town we don't churn our own butter, we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks, and sure-as-shootin' don't get our hair cut by bottle blonde...
Leonard Hofstadter: [interrupting] Sheldon, be nice!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. It's the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.

Penny: So, if I move my horsey here... Isn't that checkmate and I win?
Leonard Hofstadter: [long pause] Hm.
Penny: Well, is it or isn't it?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh... it's your first real game, I threw a lot of information at you...
Penny: Uh, no, your king is trapped. He can't go here because of my lighthouse, and he can't go here because because of my pointy-head guy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like I said, complicated game.
Penny: So did I win or not?
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. And that's... that's what chess is all about.
Sheldon Cooper: [coming in] Hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon Cooper: Nah, why? My spot, your spot... What difference does it make?
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

Penny: Sweetie, are you all right?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm not all right. It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut. And nothing horrible has happened.
Penny: Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, explain it to her.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Uh, he's crazy.

Penny: Why did you get bongos?
Sheldon Cooper: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I'd give that a try.
Leonard Hofstadter: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
Penny: Leonard, it's three o'clock in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!

Penny: Where are you going?
Sheldon Cooper: Wherever the music takes me, kitten.

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, what do you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.

Penny: If I were you, I'd be worried that a girl who's never played chess in her life just kicked your ass.

Penny: [Penny is cutting Sheldon's hair] Almost done.
Sheldon Cooper: At the end of the haircut, Mr. D'Onofrio would tell me a dirty joke.
Penny: Well, sorry, I don't know any dirty jokes.
Sheldon Cooper: That's okay, I never understood them anyway.

[last lines]
Penny: Okay, I'm just going to clean up your neck a little, and then you are good to go.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
[Sheldon jerks and laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, sometimes the clippers tickle me.
Penny: Okay.
[Sheldon throws back his head, laughing, and the clippers slide up the back of his head]
Penny: Okay, yup, we're all done now.
[grabs the hand mirror]
Penny: Let me just take that away from you.
[removes towel from his shoulders]
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you very much.
Penny: You are welcome.
[Sheldon leaves]
Penny: Yup, I'm going to have to move.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Romance Resonance (#7.6)" (2013)
Penny: How come you've never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, for starters, you've broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, somebody call the burn ward.

Leonard Hofstadter: I do romantic things for you all the time; can you even name one romantic thing you've done for me?
Penny: I can name tons!
Leonard Hofstadter: Sex doesn't count.
Penny: Oh.
Penny: I know; what about that bed and breakfast?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I took you there. All you did wa...
Penny: I know what I did.
Penny: I bet they had to throw out that rocking chair.

Raj Koothrappali: As I'm sure you're aware, the quickest way to a man's heart is through his...
Penny: Pants! But Leonard says sex doesn't count.
Raj Koothrappali: Hnh. You poor thing. You have one arrow in your quiver, and you just can't use it.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still what you did is amazing. We're really proud of you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm not.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I've been thinking about it, and you're right. You don't deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Penny: Dammit, everyone's better at this than me.
Sheldon Cooper: Congratulations, Dr. Fowler, you just made the fort.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes!

Howard Wolowitz: Next week is the anniversary of my first date with Bernadette.
Sheldon Cooper: *Really* don't care.
Howard Wolowitz: I want to do something special and I was hoping you guys could be a part of it.
Penny: Aah, what horrible thing you trying to make up for?
Howard Wolowitz: Just putting something in the bank for what horrible thing I do next.

Penny: You know, I can be romantic if I want to.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's fine. And also not true.
Penny: OK, just you wait and see; I'm going to romance your fricking ass off.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's beautiful- is that Shakespeare?

Raj Koothrappali: You're young and beautiful and men are always throwing themselves at you.
Penny: Yeah, I'm trying to be sad about that; I can't.

[first lines]
Penny: What're you working on?
Sheldon Cooper: Can't talk. In the zone.
Penny: [to Amy] Do you know what he's doing?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Could be anything. Last time he was like this he figured out electron transport in graphene. Time before that he was making a list of who's allowed in his tree fort if he ever gets one. Still can't believe I didn't make the cut.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, you wanna take a break? Your food's ready.
Leonard Hofstadter: Eh, what are you doing? He's both happy and quiet. Like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.

Leonard Hofstadter: I have to say this is the best Top Ramen you've ever made.
Penny: I discovered a secret ingredient. The flavor packet. That sucker is well named. All right, lover boy. Get ready, fcause there is a crap storm of romance coming your way.
Leonard Hofstadter: Stop it, you're going to make me cry.
[Penny turns on romantic music]
Leonard Hofstadter: All right. You seem pretty confident.
Penny: Oh, I am. Maybe if you follow this trail, you'll see why.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ohhh, rose petals.
Penny: Yes. The most beautiful, and shockingly expensive, of all the flowers.
Leonard Hofstadter: You made the bed; you really are pulling out all the stops.
Penny: OK, I gave this a lot of thought, and I finally found something to show you how much I love you.
Leonard Hofstadter: [he unwraps the gift] Oh, wow.
Penny: It's a first edition of "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". I remember it was your favorite book growing up.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is great. It... Thank you. Hnh... So much.
Penny: What?
Penny: Nothing. I love it.
Penny: No. Something's going on. What's wrong with it? I remember you saying how great it would be to have a first edition.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's true. I-I did, I did say that... when we were at the used book store together, and I saw the first edition and I bought it.
Penny: Oh my God. I am the worst.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's okay. It's really thoughtful.
Penny: No, it's not... I mean... What's thoughtful is everything you do. Here, you know what? Look at this. Look, here's the... the plane ticket you bought me when I was too poor to go home for the holidays. And the rose you left on my windshield... just because. Here's the... the thank-you letter you me after the first time I slept with you. All eleven pages of it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can't believe you saved all this stuff.
Penny: Of course I did. It's you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come here.
Penny: Mm
[they kiss]
Penny: Oh.
Leonard Hofstadter: Is that a pregnancy test?
Penny: Oh yeah, just the first one; I didn't save them all.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangerine Factor (#1.17)" (2008)
Penny: [scares the hell out of Sheldon after touching him in the back] Do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

Penny: Thank you so much for your stupid advice!
Raj Koothrappali: Incredible. You've managed to screw up the screw-up.

Sheldon: But why talk to me? Why not Koothrappali or Wolowitz?
Penny: Well, Koothrappali can't talk to me unless he's drunk, and Wolowitz is... just disgusting.
Sheldon: Yes, I guess he is.

Penny: It's just that Leonard is not the type of guy I usually go out with.
Sheldon: Leonard's not the type of guy most people go out with.

Leonard Hofstadter: Before we go, have you heard of Schrodinger's cat?
Penny: Oh, I have heard more than enough about Schrodinger's cat.

Penny: [meeting Sheldon in the hallway] I'm sorry... look, do you have a second?
Sheldon: A second what? Pair of underwear?

Penny: Wanna sit down?
Sheldon: Oh, I wish it were that simple... You see, I don't spend much time here, so I've never chosen a place to sit.
Penny: Well, choose.
Sheldon: There are a number of options... I'm really not familiar enough with the cushion densities, airflow patterns and dispersion of sunlight, to make in informed choice.

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, well, you know, this isn't that bad. It just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who's open to expressing her affection in non-traditional locales.
Penny: Oh God!
Leonard Hofstadter: Elevators, parks, movie theatres, out of curiosity, is this subway the transportation system or subway the sandwich shop?
Penny: Sandwich shop.

Penny: I swear to God, I am done with guys like that. You know, macho, with the perfect body and the hair, and the money.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, that must get old quick.
Penny: You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice, and honest, and who actually cares about me.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about me?
Penny: What about you what?
Leonard Hofstadter: What about if you went out with me?
Penny: Are you asking me out?
Leonard Hofstadter: Um... yes... I am... asking you out.
Penny: Wow.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was just going off your comment about the nice guy...
Penny: No, I know, I got that. Yeah, totally.
Leonard Hofstadter: ...thing and honest but, it's no big deal...
Penny: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes what?
Penny: Yes, I will go out with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Why not, I mean, what do I have to lose?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. That's the spirit

"The Big Bang Theory: Pilot (#1.1)" (2007)
Leonard: So, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: [stares at Sheldon in utter confusion] Participateinthewhat?
Leonard: [scrambling to save face] I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Penny: [to Raj] I'm sorry, do you speak English?
Wolowitz: Oh, he speaks English, he just can't speak to women.
Penny: Really? Why?
Wolowitz: He's kind of a nerd. Juice box?

Wolowitz: Enchanté, mademoiselle. Howard Wolowitz, Caltech department of applied physics, you may be familiar with some of my work, it's currently orbiting Jupiter's largest moon taking high resolution digital photographs...?
Penny: Penny... I work at the Cheesecake Factory!

Wolowitz: Bonne Douche!
Penny: I'm sorry?
Wolowitz: It's French for "Good shower". It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.

Penny: Four years I lived with him! Four years, I mean that's like as long as high school!
Sheldon: It took you FOUR YEARS to get through high school?

Penny: So, what do you guys do for fun around here?
Sheldon: Well, today we tried masturbating for money.

Penny: I'm a vegetarian. Except for fish. And the occasional steak, I love steak!

Sheldon: Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.

Penny: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess. And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. And my stupid shower doesn't even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Barbarian Sublimation (#2.3)" (2008)
Penny: Oh, my God! A treasure chest. I'm rich!
Sheldon Cooper: Level 3 and she thinks she's rich. What a noob.

Sheldon Cooper: Would you prefer to wait in our apartment?
Penny: No, Sheldon, I'd rather sit on this freezing cold floor sobbing like a three-year-old.
Sheldon Cooper: All right then.
Penny: For God's sake!
[Goes inside]
Sheldon Cooper: Just when I think I've gotten the hang of sarcasm.

Sheldon Cooper: Sheldor back on line.
Penny: What's AFK?
Sheldon Cooper: AFK. Away from keyboard.
Penny: Oh, I see.
Sheldon Cooper: What does that stand for?
Penny: Oh, I see.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but what does it stand for?

Leonard Hofstadter: You know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shh.
Leonard Hofstadter: I only bring it up because your ice cream's melting and it's starting to attract wildlife.

Penny: [Penny walks into Sheldon's room as he's sleeping] Sheldon?
[walks towards his bed]
Penny: Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon abruptly sits up after a dream] Danger, danger!
Penny: No danger, look it's just me, Penny. Listen, I got to level 25 and reached Purple lotus swamp, right?
Sheldon Cooper: You're in my bedroom.
Penny: Yes, Leonard gave me an emergency key.
Sheldon Cooper: People can't be in my bedroom.
Penny: Ok, well, can we go talk in the living room?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not wearing pajama bottoms.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: I spilled grape juice.
Penny: Well, wear different pajamas.
Sheldon Cooper: Can't wear different pajamas; these are my Monday pajamas.

Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard comes walking out of his bedroom and hears this conversation coming from inside Sheldon's bedroom] Please, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.
Penny: Ok, well, you were great. Thanks.
[Penny comes walking out of Sheldon's room quietly before spotting Leonard standing there]
Penny: Oh. Hey, Leonard, don't go in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms.
[she walks away]
Leonard Hofstadter: [knocks on Sheldon's door] Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?

[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: [speaking through an avatar] Hello, fair Penny.
Penny: Who are you?
Howard Wolowitz: It is I, Sir Howard of Wolowitz. Can I interest you in an afternoon of spirited questing, followed by a flagon of ale at yon virtual tavern?
Penny: Yeah, sure, why not?
Penny: [looking up from her laptop with a horrified expression] Oh my God, I need help.
[shuts laptop and pushes it away]

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Fellow warriors, this is Sheldor the Conqueror. We are about to enter Atzel's Fortress; now, this is a long run so let's do another bladder check. All right, Barry, we'll wait for you again, but you really should see a doctor.
[hears banging outside]
Sheldon Cooper: Sheldor is AFK.
[goes into hall]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, are you experiencing some sort of difficulty?
Penny: Yes, I can't get my stupid door open.
Sheldon Cooper: You appear to have put your car key in the door lock; are you aware of that?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, then.
Penny: Damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it, damn it!
Sheldon Cooper: Would it be possible for you to do this a little more quietly?
Penny: I can't get the damn key out.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not surprising. That Baldwin lock on your door uses traditional edge-mounted cylinders, whereas the key for your Volkswagen uses a center cylinder system.
Penny: Thank you, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: You're welcome. Point of inquiry: why did you put your car key in the door lock?
Penny: Why? I'll tell you why. Because today I had an audition, it took me two hours to get there, I waited an hour for my turn, and before I could even start they told me I looked too Midwest for the part. Too Midwest? What the hell does that even mean?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, the American Midwest was mostly settled by Scandinavian and Germanic peoples who, well they have a characteristic facial bone structure...
Penny: I know what it means, Sheldon! God! You know, I have been in L.A. for almost two years now, and I haven't got a single acting job. I have accomplished nothing, haven't gotten a raise at work, haven't even had sex in six months, and just now when I was walking up those stairs a fly flew in my mouth and I ate it.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, actually, insects are a dietary staple in many cultures, they're almost pure protein.

Penny: Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, um, here's the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.
Penny: Yeah, get to the point, I'm about to level up here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, i-i-i-it's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope's back online.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you've got cheetos in your hair.
Penny: Oh, thanks.
[Eats it]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hamburger Postulate (#1.5)" (2007)
Penny: I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

Penny: So, how's everything?
Sheldon Cooper: Terrific. You'll be happy to know that I plan to come here every Tuesday night for the foreseeable future.
Penny: Really? Oh, yay!
Sheldon Cooper: Who do I speak to about permanently reserving this table?
Penny: Um, I don't know. A psychiatrist?

Sheldon: [learning Leonard has a girl over] This is very awkward.
Penny: Oh, come on. You know, Leonard's had girls over before, right?
Sheldon: Oh, yes. But there's usually planning, courtship, advance notice. You know, last time I was able to book a cruise to the Arctic to see a solar eclipse.
Penny: Wait, wait. You had to leave the state because your roommate was having sex?
Sheldon: I didn't *have* to, the dates just happened to coincide.

Penny: Hey, Sheldon. What's going on?
Sheldon: I need your opinion on a matter of semiotics.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Sheldon: Semiotics, the study of signs and symbols. It's a branch of philosophy related to linguistics.
Penny: Okay, sweetie, I know you think you're explaining yourself, but you're really not.

Penny: Gee, Sheldon, you're asking the wrong girl. I'm usually on the other side of the tie.

Sheldon Cooper: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry. Give him a hamburger.
Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon Cooper: Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Alright. I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings. We fight the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard Wolowitz: Not so fast. Remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no no. Orcs are magic; Superman is vulnerable to magic. Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj Koothrappali: Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard Hofstadter: And orcs!
Penny: I'll be back.
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva's the destroyer. When the smoke clears Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny: Alright, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.

Leonard Hofstadter: Leslie and I do research together at the university.
Penny: Oh, wow! A girl scientist.
Leslie Winkle: Yup, come for the breasts, stay for the brains.

Penny: So, you know who's in there?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there's Leonard...
[picks up guitar case]
Sheldon Cooper: and he's either with Leslie Winkle or a 1930s ganster

"The Big Bang Theory: The Wiggly Finger Catalyst (#5.4)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.
[continues to eat, without further explanation. The others looks curiously at him]
Leonard Hofstadter: Could you tell us...?
Sheldon Cooper: Let's see...
[rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: Hang on... Doubles. Roll again.
Sheldon Cooper: [rolls again] Okay, get this. It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappali's are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean, "vastly wealthy"?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I'm not sure what's tripping you up.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I know they have money. But I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. From time to time I noterized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They're Richie Rich rich.
Penny: So how much is that?
Sheldon Cooper: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.

Penny: [to Emily] Can we talk to you about Raj?
Howard Wolowitz: She says: "Sure, what about him?"
Penny: Raj is naive. He hasn't dated a whole lot of women...
[Howard stops signing here, as he gets distracted by two beautiful women at the reception desk behind them]
Penny: ... and I'm concerned that, without meaning to, you might be taking advantage of him, by letting him buy lots of expensive things and I...
[realizing that Howard isn't signing anymore]
Penny: Howard! Focus. Tell her what I'm saying.
Howard Wolowitz: Right!
Howard Wolowitz: Are you a gold digger or not?
[Penny looks at him, disgusted by him. Emily gets infuriated, and starts to sign with rage]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, uh... something, something... Who the something do you think you are? Mind your own something business and go something yourself!
[Emily leaves, and Penny looks at him in shock]
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I get this now...

[Penny and Howard have just confronted Raj's girlfriend Emily to check if she's a golddigger]
Raj Koothrappali: [Yelling] How dare you ambush my girlfriend at the gym?
Penny: We didn't mean for it to be an ambush! It just, it's kind of impossible not to sneak up on deaf people!

Penny: This girl is trouble! What kind of relationship is it where you buy her gifts, and she gives you sex?
Raj Koothrappali: The best one I ever had!

Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard Wolowitz: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard Hofstadter: You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon Cooper: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.

Penny: [sees Howard ogling at a woman in a gym] Really, Howard? You're engaged to my friend.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, Bernadette doesn't need to know how I rev up my engine so long as I park the car in the right garage.
Penny: I can't believe you're engaged to my friend.

Penny: I can't believe Raj has a girlfriend.
[Sheldon rolls his dices]
Sheldon Cooper: Me neither.

Penny: [whispering] Oh, here she comes!
Howard Wolowitz: Smart. Whisper, so the deaf chick can't hear you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Recombination Hypothesis (#5.13)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, do you have plans for dinner tonight?
Penny: Why? Are you guys going somewhere?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I mean, just you and me.
Penny: You mean like a date?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not "like a date", a date!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Woooooooooo!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Woooooooooo!

Leonard Hofstadter: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about 'awkward'?
Leonard Hofstadter: That sounds right. Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny: It's Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: Okay, uh, let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, let's see. I am an experimental physicist at Caltech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny: Wow! Can they?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, God no! The money's pretty good. And I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not "some *kind* of nerd". I am the king of nerds!
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it means if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.

Penny: Do not overthink this!

Leonard Hofstadter: Isn't sex after fighting kinda what we do now?
Penny: Yeah, kinda, yeah.

[last lines]
Reverend White: [Penny imagines her wedding to Leonard] Do you, Penny, take Leonard to be your lawfully wedded husband?
[Penny turns around, revealing she's pregnant]
Penny: Well, it's a little late for me to start saying no, isn't it.
[Back to reality]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Penny.
Penny: Sorry. Just remembered, I have *got* to stop by the drug store.

Penny: You are so funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good. Remember that when I take my shirt off.

Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know how you have a relationship without talking.
Penny: I went out with this one guy, T.J., for eight months, we never talked. To this day, I don't even know what T.J. stands for.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait, if you guys didn't talk, then... Never mind, stupid question.

Penny: [enters from closet wearing a low-cut green dress] Too much?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Simultaneously with Bernadette] No.
Penny: Okay, just hang on.
[Goes back into closet]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Bernadette] You just can't handle her raw sexuality, can you?

Penny: [after Leonard asks her out for real] Have you thought this through?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Insufficiency (#7.1)" (2013)
Penny: Tell me something about you I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that-that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon Cooper: I see.
Penny: Mm.
Sheldon Cooper: I own nine pairs of underpants.

Sheldon Cooper: Here's something else you don't know about me. You just hurt my feelings.
Penny: What'd I do?
Sheldon Cooper: I opened up and shared something deeply upsetting to me. And you treated it as if it were nothing.
Penny: I-I didn't think it was a big deal.
Sheldon Cooper: It is to me. That's the point.
Penny: Sheldon, you are right. I'm really sorry. I should've known better.
Sheldon Cooper: Your apology is accepted.
Penny: Thank you. How about a hug?
[holds out her arms]
Sheldon Cooper: [holds out his hand] How about a hearty handshake?
Penny: Come on.
[pulls him into a hug. Sheldon pats her back awkwardly]
Sheldon Cooper: Now I know how you felt, getting mauled by that sex-crazed gorilla.

Sheldon Cooper: Welcome to the exciting world of 3-D chess.
Penny: Why don't you admit you only want to play this game because you always play with Leonard and you miss him?
Sheldon Cooper: You over estimate his significance in my life.
Penny: MMMM.
Sheldon Cooper: Do I miss how makes a face on my toaster waffle with syrup. No. Do I miss the way he fixes the zipper on my jacket when it gets stuck? I don't think so. Do I miss how we say good night to each other through the walls of our bedroom using Morse code?
[Knocks his answer in Morse Code]
Penny: OK, I get it. I get it. You're an emotionless robot.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I try.

Penny: What's the matter?
Sheldon Cooper: Um... Well, I was worried that you might be missing Leonard. And that might be causing you to have bad dreams. Like the kind you'd get if you watched 'Clash of the Titans' right before you went to bed.

Penny: I can't believe it. All this time I've been doing nothing but sit around and miss that guy. And you know what the worst part is?
Sheldon Cooper: That you're having to process your emotional pain without vodka?
Penny: No!
Penny: Yeah.

Penny: Here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A. I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. After I did it I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, I've seen that! Yeah. 'Serial Apeist'.
[Penny gasps in horror]
Sheldon Cooper: Howard found it on line the day we met you.
Penny: Ohh!
Sheldon Cooper: It was literally the moment you walked out the door.

[last lines]
Penny: [in film taking a shower] Aaah. I'm so glad the police finally caught that psychotic, genetically engineered ape.
Leonard Hofstadter: That is my girlfriend, I swear to God.
Scientists: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,

Penny: His is ridiculous, why am I upset just because he's off having a good time?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, perhaps you're obsessively picturing him engaged in drunken coitus with another woman.
[Penny stares at him angrily]
Sheldon Cooper: Is that it? Did I get it right?

Penny: No. Come on, let's talk about our lives. Tell me something about you I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: I own nine pairs of pants.
Penny: Okay, that, that's a good start, but I was thinking maybe something a little more personal.
Sheldon Cooper: I see. I own nine pairs of underpants.
Penny: How about I go first?
Sheldon Cooper: But I don't want to know how many underpants you own. Although, based on the floor of your bedroom, I'd say it's a thousand.
Penny: Okay, look, here's something people do not know about me. When I first moved out to L.A., I did a topless scene in a low-budget horror movie about a killer gorilla. Ugh! After I did it, I felt so ashamed. Thankfully, that thing never came out.
Sheldon Cooper: I've seen that. Yeah. Serial Apeist. Howard found it online the day we met you.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon Cooper: And it was literally the moment you walked out the door. But I see the type of personal revelations you're going for. Okay, here's one I thought I'd take to the grave.
Penny: Okay.
Sheldon Cooper: Hmm. A while back, YouTube changed its user interface from a star-based rating system to a thumbs-up rating system. I tell people I'm okay with it, but I'm really not.
Penny: That's your big revelation?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Whew, I feel ten pounds lighter.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hook-up Reverberation (#8.4)" (2014)
Penny: How? You can't force somebody to like you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What if you just hang around and act like her friend until you wear her down? I mean, next thing you know, you're in her house, you're eating her food and drinking her wine.

Penny: I hear you're a dermatologist.
Emily Sweeney: Uh, yeah. I'm a resident at Huntington Hospital.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh I like their emergency room. Even if it turns out you don't have dengue fever, they still let you take home a lollipop.

Penny: I don't know what Emily's so upset about anyway. Even if I'd slept with him, so what? Everybody has a past.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Um.
[Clears throat]
Penny: Almost everybody has a past.

Penny: You told Emily we hooked up?
Raj Koothrappali: Um, well. In my defense I tell everyone.
Penny: Why would you say that?
Raj Koothrappali: We were having a conversation about past lovers.
Penny: We weren't lovers. Come on. Everybody knows we didn't sleep together. We got drunk and fooled around. Why couldn't you just leave me out of this?

Penny: Okay, I'm sorry. Did we get off on the wrong foot? Because since like the other night, I kind of feel like you might have a problem with me.
Emily Sweeney: No, it's fine.
Penny: Are you sure because it doesn't feel fine.
Emily Sweeney: Are you sure you want to talk about this? Okay. If you really want to talk about this, I do have a problem.
Penny: Oh my God. Tell me, what did I do?
Emily Sweeney: Look it's nothing. It's just... Raj told me a while back you two hooked up.
Penny: What? Oh why would he say that?
Emily Sweeney: Did it not happen?
Penny: Well, I wouldn't exactly call it a hook-up.
Emily Sweeney: Did you kiss?
Penny: Yeah.
Emily Sweeney: We're you naked?
Penny: Yeah.
Emily Sweeney: So it was a hook-up.
Penny: No.
Penny: Yeah.

Penny: OK, good night guys.
Emily Sweeney: Bye.
[Both women together]
Penny, Emily Sweeney: I hate her.

Amy Farrah Fowler: You really went your entire life with out anybody saying "I hate you" to your face?
Penny: Yeah.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'd say it now, but look at those cheekbones.

Penny: Leonard gave me this briefcase. He had it since high school. Look, you can see the dent where they decked him.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization (#1.9)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Hang on. Do you not realize what we just did?
Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, no, we turned out stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
Penny: Ohhhh. You know, you can just get one of those universal remotes from Radio Shack. They're really cheap.

Penny: [picking out clothes from Leonard's closet] Okay. Well, let's just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these...
Leonard Hofstadter: Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
Penny: No, this is the stuff I want you to throw out. Seriously, don't even give it to charity; you won't be helping anyone.

Penny: [as Sheldon and Leonard fight] Is this usually how these physics things go?
Howard Wolowitz: More often than you'd think.

Penny: What is this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that is the bottled city of Kandor.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard Hofstadter: You see, Kandor was the capital city of Krypton, until it was shrunk by Braniac before Krypton was destroyed. It was then rescued by Superman.
Penny: Oh. It's nice.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.

Howard Wolowitz: I just checked the house, there must be twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow.
Penny: Is that good?
Leonard Hofstadter: In physics, twenty-five is Woodstock.

Penny: So you and Leonard, huh? A little misunderstanding?
Sheldon: A little misunderstanding? A little misunderstanding? Galileo and the pope had a little misunderstanding...

Penny: Howard, would you like to explain to me why your Facebook page has a picture of me sleeping on your shoulder captioned "me and my girlfriend"?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-oh, here comes "the talk".

Penny: [At their mailboxes] . Get anything good?
Sheldon Cooper: Uh, just the latest copy of Applied Particle Physics Quarterly.
Penny: Oh, you know, that is so weird that yours came and mine didn't.
[Sheldon looks confused]
Penny: It was a joke.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Turbulence (#7.17)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life.
Sheldon Cooper: How about Penny's depressing acting career?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey. I mean, it's been a little tough, but Penny's following her dreams and in my book that's not depressing.
Penny: Thank you.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I ask you something? Why do you constantly feel the need to put down my husband?
Penny: I'm sure he's doing it out of love. Just like my boyfriend not supporting my acting career.

Penny: [Car making noises] Uh, that doesn't sound good.
Sheldon Cooper: Remember the old days when I used to point out that your check engine light was on?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, we're ready to stroll down memory lane. Penny your check engine light is on.
Penny: Yes, I know it's on Sheldon. Oh, no, no, no, no. I can't afford this right now.
Sheldon Cooper: [car stops] Maybe it's just something minor. Oh good news. The light just went out.

Penny: Now that girl's gonna get discovers and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about her big break on some stupid monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her.
Leonard Hofstadter: At least you got mentioned on Letterman.

Penny: Why wouldn't I want to get my old job back? It would be fun to see everyone I haven't talked to them since I said "I quit. See you at the Oscars, bitches."

Penny: This isn't your car.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know. I thought we'd take yours.
Penny: I don't understand.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's nothing fancy but it'll get you to auditions and at least for now you don't have to go back to waitressing.
Penny: I don't know what to say.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't say anything.
Penny: Oh my God!
Leonard Hofstadter: I mean you could say thank you. I did just buy you a car.

Leonard Hofstadter: You sure you want to do this?
Penny: Yeah. Why wouldn't I want to get my old job back? It'll be fun to see everyone. I haven't talk to them since I said, "I quit! See you at the Oscars, bitches."

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, could you wrap it up? We're waiting for you.
Penny: I'm sorry, is the fact that my life's falling apart interrupting your board game?
Sheldon Cooper: It is.
[to Howard]
Sheldon Cooper: See, I told you she would understand.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition (#5.10)" (2011)
[Sheldon knocks on Penny's door]
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
[knocks again]
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
[knocks again]
Penny: Who do we love?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to Amy] What are you gonna do, doesn't he know you have a boyfriend?
Penny: Oh, she doesn't have a boyfriend. She has a Sheldon.

Penny: What's up?
Sheldon Cooper: I came to ask if you would like to go on a date with me.

Penny: Alright, honey, let me tell you a story. There was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt. Eventually he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it. Do you see where I'm going with this?
Sheldon Cooper: I believe I do.
Penny: Mhm.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm the guy.
Penny: You're not the guy.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? That would explain so much. Your constant presence in my apartment, the baffling dalliance with Leonard just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie all the time...
Penny: I call everyone sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: You tramp.

Penny: Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is... strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Strap on a pair? Uh, of what? Skates?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you're so not the guy.

Penny: Oh god, are you trying to make Amy jealous?
Sheldon Cooper: No! Why is everyone so obsessed with Amy and Stuart, and whether or not they may be having more pumpkin lattes or intercourse tonight?
Penny: Ok, listen to me, playing games is not gonna help get Amy back.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not trying to get her back! But out of curiosity, what is a way?

Penny: Amy, you little vixen! Look who's been working it under all those layers of wool and polyester.

Penny: Looks like we killed the bottle.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I only had half a glass.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I didn't drink any.
Penny: Don't judge me.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Dumpling Paradox (#1.7)" (2007)
Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, um, Christy and Howard are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, OK? From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.

Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Leonard: Great idea.
Sheldon: No. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back story.
Penny: [explosion] Oh, cool! Whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon: Mine.
Penny: Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys!
Leonard: It's the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon: Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to
Sheldon: mention the fact that...
Penny: Ha Ha! There goes your head again.
Sheldon: Okay, that's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to give them a
Sheldon: chance... now, c'mon.
[minutes later]
Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered. Cover me.
Penny: Cover this suckers.
Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.
Penny: Yes, so is Sheldon.
Sheldon: Okay, that's it. I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
[walks away]
Penny: Wait, wait. Sheldon. Come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade.
Penny: [laughs] Look! It's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now. You just wait until you need tech support.

Penny: You used my loofah?
Howard Wolowitz: More precisely, we used your loofah. I exfoliated her brains out.

Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: Wh-what?
Sheldon: [glaring at Leonard] He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.
Penny: [speechless]
Sheldon: It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result. And I do not appreciate it.

Sheldon: [as Penny makes up the couch to sleep on she puts the pillow on the end of the couch closest to the door] Hmm-hmm, wrong.
Penny: [Turning to face Sheldon with a glare] I'm listening.
Sheldon: Your head goes on the other end.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: It's culturally universal. A bed, even a temporary bed, is always oriented with the headboard away from the door. It serves the ancient imperative of protecting oneself against marauders.
Penny: I'll risk it.
Sheldon: [high pitched] Hmm.
[and turns away]

Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
Penny: Gosh. He's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?
Leonard: Well, to be fair, he's also a rather unpleasant winner.
Penny: Well, it's been fun.
Leonard: Penny, we make such a good team. Maybe we could enter a couple of "Halo" tournaments sometime.
Penny: Or we could just have a life.
Leonard: I guess for you, that's an option. Ha-ha. Ha.

Sheldon: Penny, we would very much appreciate it if you would be the fourth member of our Halo team. I don't think I need to tell you what an honor this is.
Penny: Aww, that's so sweet but I'm going out dancing with a girlfriend.
Sheldon: You can't go out, it's Halo night.
Penny: Well, for Penny it's dancing night.
Sheldon: Do you go dancing every Wednesday?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Then it's not dancing night.

Penny: I know how she is. She'll keep having sex with you as long as you buy her stuff.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Penny: Yeah.
Howard Wolowitz: YAY.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary (#3.5)" (2009)
Penny: OK, I gotta go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka.
Howard Wolowitz: Not Ka, *Ka'a*.
Penny: Buh-aye.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy.
Penny: The problem isn't what's on the inside. It's the creepy candy coating.

Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer and you speak five languages.
Howard Wolowitz: Six, if you count Klingon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right?
Penny: Right.

Leonard Hofstadter: How about that? Albert Einstein was wrong.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Approaching the speed of light doesn't slow down time.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Points at Howard and Bernadette] Approaching them does.

[Howard and Bernadette are out on their first date]
Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's cell phone rings with 'She Blinded Me With Science'] Damn, it's my mother.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you going to answer it?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, I'm torn. She might be dying; you know, wouldn't want to miss that. On the other hand, if I let it go to voicemail, I could play it over and over.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I know how you feel. My mother makes me crazy.
Howard Wolowitz: [laughs it off] Not as crazy as my mother makes me.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah? Does your mother call you every day at work to see if you've had a healthy lunch?
Howard Wolowitz: My mother calls me at work to see if I had a healthy bowel movement.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay, well does she lay out your clothes for you in the morning, like you're nine years old?
Howard Wolowitz: You live with your mother?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. That's the sad part.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh. Okay, check this out. My mother made me wear rubber gloves to kindergarten so I wouldn't pick up a disease from the other children.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's nothing. I couldn't ride a bicycle 'cause my mother was afraid I'd hit a bump and lose my virginity.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, wow. You didn't, did you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Not on a bicycle. In a Camry.
Howard Wolowitz: Corolla! More wine?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd love some.
Howard Wolowitz: Listen, you have to come to shabbos dinner at my house sometime.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, a Catholic girl like you wearing a big cross like that might just give my mother the big brain aneurysm I've been hoping for.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Okay. But only if you come to Sunday dinner at my house wearing a yarmulke.
Howard Wolowitz: It's a date.
[they laugh and clink wine glasses]
Penny: Am I a matchmaker or what?

Penny: [after sex] Wow. You really are a genius.
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really. I Googled how to do that.

[Leonard is asking Penny to set Howard up with one of her friends]
Penny: You mean you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well... I sure as hell wasn't gonna bring it up *before* sex.

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: All right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card. And I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines.
[in Jar Jar Binks accent]
Howard Wolowitz: Choke on that, Sucka!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Well then, I'll just *cut* your Vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it, I cut 'em.
Penny: Um... I have a question.
Leonard Hofstadter: Warlord beats Troll; Troll beats Elf; Elf beats Water Sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny.
Howard Wolowitz: Unless you have the Carrot of Power.
Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun?
Howard Wolowitz: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bad Fish Paradigm (#2.1)" (2008)
Penny: I get it! Leonard has no business being involved with a waitress-slash-actress who felt so insecure that she lied to him about finishing community college.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you lie about that?
Penny: Well, he was going on and on about this college and that grad school - and I didn't want him to think I was some kind of stupid loser.
Sheldon Cooper: You thought the opposite of stupid loser was community-college graduate?
Penny: You know, there are a lot of successful people who graduated from community college.
Sheldon Cooper: Yet you are neither.

Penny: This is between you and me. You can't tell Leonard any of this.
Sheldon Cooper: You're asking me to keep a secret?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I am sorry, but you would have had to have expressed that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping. You can't impose a secret on an ex-post-facto basis.
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Secret-keeping is a complicated endeavor. One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes. When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a joke. It relies on the homonymic relationship between "tick", the blood-sucking arachnid, and "tic", the involuntary muscular contraction. I made it up myself.

Sheldon Cooper: You must release me from my oath. I can't keep your secret, Penny. I'm going to fold like an energy-based de novo protein in conformational space... like a Renaissance triptych... like a cheap suit.
Penny: Why is it so hard for you to keep one little secret?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm constitutionally incapable. That's why I was refused clearance for a very prestigious government research fellowship at a secret military supercollider located beneath a fake agricultural station 12.5 miles southeast of Traverse City, Michigan.
Sheldon Cooper: Which you did not hear about from me.

Penny: Has Leonard ever been involved with someone who wasn't a braniac?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, a few years ago, he did go out with a woman who had a Ph. D. in French literature.
Penny: How is that not a braniac?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, for one thing, she was French. For another, it was literature.

Penny: Has Leonard ever dated any regular women?
Sheldon Cooper: I assume you are not refering to digestive regularity. It has been my experience that asking that is highly inappropriate.

Penny: Sheldon, can I ask you a question?
Sheldon: Well, I would prefer that you didn't but I won't go so far as to forbid it.
Penny: ...Okay, I heard 'yes'.

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, good night.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: There was a draft.
Penny: I didn't feel a draft.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't we just go into your...
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard Hofstadter: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight, Leonard.

Penny: Hi.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard Hofstadter: First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard Hofstadter: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard Hofstadter: That doesn't matter to me at all.
Penny: So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Leonard Hofstadter: Absolutely.
[She slams the door in his face]
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition (#2.19)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Penny, let me take this opportunity to point out that you are looking particularly ravishing today.
Penny: Not with a thousand condoms, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: So there is a number.

Penny: OK, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I've never met them, that's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls, there's no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors... they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape... and without that annoying ammonia urine smell.
Penny: Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can't know that! How can you possibly know that?
Penny: You're right, I can't. You know what, anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp... yeah, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.

Penny: Dead whore on TV, live one in real life.

Sheldon: You know, Penny, there is something that occurs in beehives that you might find interesting. Occasionally a new queen bee will arrive while the old queen is still in power. When this happens, the old queen must either locate to a new hive or engage in a battle to the death until only one queen remains.
Penny: What are you saying? That I'm threatened by Alicia, that I'm like the old queen of the hive and it's just time for me to go?
Sheldon: I'm just taking about bees. They're on the Discovery Channel. What are you talking about?

Sheldon: May I interject something here?
Penny: Please!
Sheldon: You got the wrong mustard.

Penny: Leonard and Howard and Raj... they aren't like other guys. They're special.
Alicia: Ok. They are special... and?
Penny: Let's see... how can I explain this? They don't know how to use their shields.
Alicia: Shields?
Penny: Yeah... you know like in Star Trek when you are in battle and you raise the shields?
Penny: Where the hell'd that come from?

Penny: What exactly is he doing up there?
Sheldon: In what I can only perceive as a tactical move to destroy me, he is with Wolowitz and Koothrapali setting up her stereo.
Penny: Oh, they're all up there are they? Typical.
Sheldon: It's axiomatically atypical. Up until recently they did not know Alicia, and had no encounters with her at her previous location. They never went upstairs to visit the former tenants. So your characterization of their behavior as typical is demonstratively fallacious.
Penny: Okay, *now* I see the giant squid head.

Sheldon: Did you remember to ask for the chicken and broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Even though the menu specifies shredded?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Brown rice, not white?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: You stop at the green grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Did you pick up the low-sodium soy sauce from the market?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Good. See how it's done, Leonard?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper Extraction (#7.11)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: I'm on my way out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where?
Sheldon Cooper: Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right now? Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Someone sick?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby.
Penny: Oh, she's pregnant? That's great; you're going to be an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How come you never said she was pregnant?
Sheldon Cooper: I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?

Leonard Hofstadter: You know, maybe you and I wouldn't be together, but you wouldn't have done so great yourself.
Penny: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because I know exactly the kind of guy you would have ended up with.
Zack Johnson: Hey, babe.
Penny: Hey. Remember to pay the rent?
Zack Johnson: Better. I used the money to buy these magic beans.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Penny: [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: [seductively] Doing laundry?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
Penny: [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.
Leonard Hofstadter: Disagree.
Raj Koothrappali: keep going.
Penny: [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?
Sheldon Cooper: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon Cooper: To... what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.

Penny: [Penny's fantasy story] OK, sweetie. Let me tell exactly how that would have gone down.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask her out.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm going squirt chocolate milk out of my nipples. Sorry. I thought we were saying things that are never going to happen.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe this time he's going to do it.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope you're thirsty. Here it comes!
Leonard Hofstadter: Watch me.
Penny: Hey. You guys ready to order or do you need a few minutes?
Leonard Hofstadter: I... I... um.
Penny: A few minutes it is.
Raj Koothrappali: You didn't ask her out, but that was a lot of sounds.
Leonard Hofstadter: You guys are making me nervous.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, then, go talk to her on your own.
Leonard Hofstadter: I will.
[goes over to Penny]
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me.
Penny: Yup.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hi, uhh, um, I'm Leonard.
Penny: Really? You don't sound so sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I am he. Any-anyway, um, there's been something I've wanted to ask you for a long time. Um.
Penny: What's that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I was wondering if you're not too busy... um... if you'd be interested in... telling me where the restroom is?
Penny: I think you're too late.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, Sheldon sent us all an email. "Happy Holidays from Texas". And there's pictures. Arrgh, don't open them, do not open them.
Penny: Oh, come on, child birth is a natural, beautiful...
[sees picture]
Penny: urgh, it's like someone sawed a cow in half.
Raj Koothrappali: My father's a gynecologist; I think I can handle it.
[sees pictures]
Raj Koothrappali: Ehhh, now I'm gay.

[first lines]
Penny: [Penny and Amy are skiing to a video game] Alright, you're really good at this.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I have an extremely low center of gravity. Like a pyramid.
Penny: How you doing over there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I hope it's just a sprain. I cannot walk into that ER with another video game injury.

Penny: I am a little strapped for cash this year, so for Christmas I was thinking of giving you
[sticks a bow on her Santa hat and runs her hands down her body]
Penny: this.
Leonard Hofstadter: I love it!
[they kiss]
Leonard Hofstadter: But it *is* what you got me last year. And last night.

[last lines]
[Leonard and Raj are very fat]
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to do it; I'm going to ask her out.
Howard Wolowitz: And chocolate milk out is going to squirt of my nipples.
Raj Koothrappali: Put up or shut up. You make it, I'll drink it.
Penny: You guys need anything else?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, your phone number and one more cheesecake.
Penny: I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. Look, in fact, there he is now.
[Stu enters; she goes to him]
Penny: Ready to go, sweetheart.
Stuart Bloom: Not till I get my kiss.
[She kisses him and they leave]
Stuart Bloom: [Stu. sitting alone in an empty Cheesecake Factory, sighs]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Roommate Transmogrification (#4.24)" (2011)
Penny: What happened to Leonard?
Sheldon Cooper: Same thing that happened to Homo erectus. He was replaced by a superior species.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm the new Homo in town!
Raj Koothrappali: That came out wrong.

Penny: [to Raj after Leonard leaves] Explain something to me. You watched Leonard put up with that guy for years and years. What has to break inside your brain for you to think: "Oh, Krishna, I've got to get me some of that?".

Sheldon Cooper: Man is not the only species that ferments fruit in order to become intoxicated. Can you guess what the other is? A hint: sometimes they pack the alcohol in their trunks.
Penny: Monkeys!
Sheldon Cooper: When does a monkey have a trunk?
Penny: When a suitcase just won't do.
[Penny and Raj laugh]
Sheldon Cooper: All right. It would appear as if alcohol is playing keep-away with your intelligence.

[first lines]
Penny: Hi, you guys ready to order?
Sheldon Cooper: [the gang mutters consent] Sure.
Penny: 'Kay. Priya?
Priya Koothrappali: I'll have the Shepherd's pie.
[to Leonard]
Priya Koothrappali: You want to split that with me?
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.
Priya Koothrappali: Why not?
Penny: Well, you know, milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, parmesan crust... your lactose-intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's day balloon.

[Bernadette is getting her Ph.D]
Penny: Wow! So that means you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor, you're a doctor... and Howard, you know a lot of doctors!

[last lines]
Penny: [after Penny drunkenly sleeps with Raj, she tries to sneak out, but is finds Sheldon, Leonard, and Howard in the living room] Damn.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is going on?
Penny: [laughing nervously] Oh, it's, it's not what it looks like.
[embarrassed, Penny quickly leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: What does it look like?

Penny: Can I tell you a secret?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah.
Penny: I screwed up. Leonard's a great guy. Never should have broken up with him.
Raj Koothrappali: Well er, to paraphrase Shakespeare - It's better to have loved and lost than to stay home every night and download increasingly shameful pornography.

Raj Koothrappali: What's wrong with me, Penny?
Penny: Nothing, nothing. You know, if we weren't friends - and you hadn't brought up that creepy pornography story - I'd be on you like the speed of light squared on matter to make energy.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, you totally got that right! E equals M C squared.
Penny: I listen. I have no idea what it means, but I listen.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Financial Permeability (#2.14)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: If you recall, I pointed out the check engine light to you several months ago.
Penny: The check engine light is fine, it's still blinking away. It's the stupid engine that stopped working.

Sheldon Cooper: Take some.
Penny: Don't be silly.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm never silly.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't see any large upcoming expenditures unless they develop an affordable technology to fuse my skeleton with adamantium like Wolverine.
Penny: Are they working on that?
Sheldon Cooper: I sincerely hope so.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, Penny. How's work.
Penny: Great! I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheescake Factory for my whole life!
Sheldon Cooper: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Was *that* sarcasm?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Was that sarcasm?
Leonard Hofstadter: Stop it!

Leonard Hofstadter: [Looking for places for Penny to save expenses] A hundred and seventy dollars for acting classes?
Penny: Oh no, I can't give up my acting classes, I'm a professional actress.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you've had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, it kind of... lets keep looking.

Penny: He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard Hofstadter: I would hope so.

Penny: Is Leonard around?
Sheldon: He went to the movies without me. It was the only option. I'm sorry, I don't understand which social situation this is. Could you give me some guidance as to how to proceed?
Penny: The building manager's showing an apartment downstairs, and I haven't paid my rent.
Sheldon: Oh, I see. Penny, I'm not sure I'm comfortable harbouring a fugitive from the 2311 North Los Robles Corporation.
Penny: It's no big deal. I'm just a little behind on my bills because they cut back my hours at the restaurant and my car broke down.

Penny: Okay. Well, thank you. Oh, God, no, I can't. Sheldon honey, I don't want things to be weird between us.
Sheldon: Won't it also be weird if I have to say hello to you every morning on my way to work and you're living in a refrigerator box and washing your hair with rain water?
Penny: I'll pay you back as soon as I can.
Sheldon: Of course you will. It's impossible to pay me back sooner than you can. Assuming you subscribe to a linear understanding of time and causality.
Penny: I'm regretting this already.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Thanksgiving Decoupling (#7.9)" (2013)
Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard Hofstadter: You did?
Penny: Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? You went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: [laughing it off] No, they're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
Penny: [Looking worried] No, they're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon Cooper: He's right.
Amy Farrah Fowler: They're real.
Penny: [quietly] But it didn't feel real.

Penny: Why are you making this such a big deal?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard's proposed he's gotten a resounding no. That's just off the top of my head.
Penny: How do I undo this?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just hoping you can get a annulment which is like it never happened.
Penny: Great. Well, what do I have to do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon laughs] Penny? Next.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

Leonard Hofstadter: Why won't you sign it?
Zack Johnson: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don't have any kids!
Zack Johnson: Are you sure? Cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: The math is all there; it's not real
Penny: Yes, it is!
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, look. It is scientifically impossible for a person tip a cow. Even you with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.
Raj Koothrappali: It's horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.
Penny: Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat a million hamburgers.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
Penny: I'm telling you I've done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
Leonard Hofstadter: Were you drunk?
Penny: I was sixteen in Nebraska, what do you think?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think you're the one who fell over.
Penny: That would explain why the sky was also on its side.

Penny: Here.
[gives Howard a bottle]
Penny: Thank you for having us.
Howard Wolowitz: What's with you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, she's mad at me because she just found out she's married to Zack.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? That dumb ass you used to date? That's,
Howard Wolowitz: that's hysterical.
Penny: [grabs bottle back] I can't believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.

Penny: You know neither of us thought this was real. I mean, we were married by an Elvis impersonator.
Zack Johnson: Of course it was an impersonator. We could never afford a real Elvis.

Penny: Howard. Cow tipping. Real or not?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm gonna say not. But that's just based on me trying to turn my mother over when she snores.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification (#4.2)" (2010)
Howard Wolowitz: What do we owe you?
Leonard Hofstadter: It came to $28.17 Let's say six bucks apiece.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Howard and Raj hand money over to Leonard] There you go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
[Leonard looks at Penny who has a stunned look on her face]
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Never mind, I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, you're right, we're not going out anymore. I should pay for myself.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear, and they start laughing]
Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: No, he, uh, He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.

Sheldon Cooper: In order to live long enough to fuse my consciousness with cybernetics, I need to change my diet.
Penny: Wait, cybernetics is robot stuff, right?
Sheldon Cooper: Correct.
Penny: So you want to turn yourself into some sort of robot?
Sheldon Cooper: Essentially, yes.
Penny: OK, here's my question. Didn't you already do that?

Howard Wolowitz: [Raj just whispered something to him] You're right. Penny jogs, maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon Cooper: That's an excellent idea! Yeah, if we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: [unimpressed] No, it won't.

Penny: [Sheldon just fell down the stairs] Oh my god, are you okay?
Sheldon Cooper: I think so.
Penny: Let me help you up.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
[Very loud fart]
Penny: Oh, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: If it makes you feel any better, Thursday is no longer cruciferous vegetable night.

Leonard Hofstadter: How can you walk around with no money?
Penny: I'm cute, I get by.

[last lines]
Penny: What up, Shelbot?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't get out of bed. I hurt my ankle.
Penny: What do you want me to do?
Penny: Sing me 'Soft Kitty'.
Penny: Really? You want me to sing 'Soft Kitty' to a computer monitor?
Sheldon Cooper: Would you rather come over and sing it to me in person?
Penny: [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur...
Sheldon Cooper: Closer to the microphone.
Penny: Happy kitty, pretty ki...
Sheldon Cooper: No, you have to start over.
Penny: [singing] Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur
[Sheldon starts playing his recorder]
Penny: Happy kitty, pretty kitty, purr, purr, purr.

Howard Wolowitz: Penny jogs. Maybe you guys can run together.
Sheldon Cooper: That's an excellent idea! If we chat, it will create the illusion of time going faster.
Penny: [unenthused] No, it won't. Um... hey, how does he know I jog?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, he watches you from his car with high-powered binoculars.
Penny: [disgusted] Oh, my god! That is so creepy!
Howard Wolowitz: [mimicking Penny's tone of voice] I know!
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: And he says he's not gonna stop.
[freaked out, Raj whispers in his ear again]
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, well, then see a shrink and figure out how to talk to women.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Weekend Vortex (#5.19)" (2012)
Penny: Sorry, Stallion. Your weird friend Giraffe is here!

Sheldon Cooper: When's the last time I asked you to do something for me?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.
Sheldon Cooper: When is the last time I asked you to do something that wasn't a medical emergency?
Penny: Yesterday. You made me look in your ear to see if there was a ladybug in it.

Sheldon Cooper: All right then, I have no choice but to go on to plan B.
Penny: What's that?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm gonna run around outside with a wet head and try to catch a cold.

Penny: Who's Armen the miniature horse breeder?
Amy Farrah Fowler: The pretend boyfriend I invented to get my family off my back. It unraveled quickly when I couldn't answer the question "How'd you two meet?"
Penny: I would have thought at a miniature horse show.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, that's good.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon Cooper, I've got a bone to pick with you, and I'm about to do it in front of all your friends.
Penny: Yeah, you pick that bone; you pick that bone clean.

Raj Koothrappali: None of you may realize it, but I was very much looking forward to this weekend. It was going to be like the old days: the four of us, hanging out, playing video games, before you guys all got girlfriends. Do you have any idea what's it like to be the only one *without* a girlfriend? Even if I get one someday, I'll still be the guy who got a girl after *Sheldon Cooper*!
Penny: And that's how a girl makes a scene.

Amy Farrah Fowler: That'd be my boyfriend. Happier playing his dopey Star Trek game with his friends than hanging out with me.
Penny: Wars.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What?
Penny: Star Wars. They get all cranky when you mix the two up.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, what's the difference?
Penny: There's absolutely no difference!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis (#2.11)" (2008)
Penny: Hey Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tress?
Sheldon Cooper: No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Penny: Saturnalia?
Howard Wolowitz: Gather round, kids, it's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
Sheldon Cooper: In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic, intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring. This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
Howard Wolowitz: And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.

Penny: [after the tale of Saturnalia] Okay, well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! You bought me a present?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would you do such a thing?
Penny: I don't know. 'Cause its Christmas?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Penny. I know you think you are being generous, but the foundation of gift giving is reciprocity. You haven't given me a gift. You've given me an obligation.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't feel bad, Penny, it's a classic rookie mistake. My first Hanukah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Penny: Now, hey, it's okay. You don't have to get me anything in return.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me. It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
Penny: Okay, you know what? Forget it. I'm not giving you a present.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's too late. I see it. That elf sticker says, "To Sheldon." The die has been cast. The moving finger has writ. Hannibal has crossed the alps.
Howard Wolowitz: [Raj then whispers into Howard's ear then they both laugh] I know. It's funny when it's not happening to us.
Penny: [Exasperated] Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.
[Turning to Howard and Raj]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
Howard Wolowitz: It's happening to us.

Penny: How do you know Leonard?
Dr. David Underhill: I'm a physicist.
Penny: [laughing] No, you're not.
Dr. David Underhill: Why is that so surprising?
Penny: Well, it's just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sunblock because I don't take melanoma lightly.

Sheldon Cooper: [Opens Penny's gift] Oh, a napkin...
Penny: Turn it over.
Sheldon Cooper: [Reading] "To Sheldon: Live long and prosper... Leonard Nimoy!"
Penny: He came into the restaurant. Sorry the napkin's dirty - he wiped his mouth with it.
Sheldon Cooper: [Face twitching excitedly] I possess the DNA of Leonard Nimoy?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I guess, but look, he signed it.
Sheldon Cooper: [Now shaking with excitement] Do you realize what this means? All I need is a healthy ovum and I could grow my own Leonard Nimoy!
Penny: Okay, all I'm giving you is the napkin, Sheldon.

[last lines]
Penny: [after Sheldon gives her several gift baskets] Sheldon, what did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: I know! It's not enough, is it? Here...
[gingerly hugs Penny]
Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon's hugging me!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a Saturnalia miracle!

Leonard Hofstadter: So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't going to detect itself.
Dr. David Underhill: Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny.
Penny: Really? We're, we're going to do an experiment.
Dr. David Underhill: Uh-huh, we're going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
Penny: [laughs] That's not an experiment; you saw what happened last night.

Leonard Hofstadter: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard Hofstadter: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard Hofstadter: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that? The guy is married!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah. I'm sorr... oh, that's terrible!
Penny: And you. If you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, tha... The important thing is he's married, and that's terrible!
Penny: Nice save, genius.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Itchy Brain Simulation (#7.8)" (2013)
Penny: Hi. Can I start off with something to drink?
Lucy: Oh, water would be great.
Penny: Okay. Um, you're Lucy, right? I'm a friend of Raj Kootherpaili. You see, Amy recognized you.
Lucy: Wow, how's he doing?
Penny: Oh, you know. He's good.
Lucy: Great.
Penny: Yeah. This is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?
Lucy: Um, I don't know. I guess I thought it would be easier.
Penny: Yeah, I get that. I'll go get you your water. When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right? Cause it certainly didn't make it easier for him.
Lucy: Any chance I can get a different waitress?
Penny: I'm sorry, this is rude of me. I will get you that water. See, see, see, see. Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face. How come you could do that with me but not with Raj?
Lucy: I don't know your email.
Penny: You know what the worst part is? You're sitting here perfectly happy and he's at home a blubbering mess.
Lucy: I thought you said he was OK.
Penny: Well, I also said I was getting you water, but look at me. Still standing here. You know, I may be a bad waitress, but you are a bad person. Now, want to hear the special?

Penny: Oh my God! Is that sweater made of bees?

Penny: Smile.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is that, what is that for?
Penny: So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.

[last lines]
Lizzy: [in restaurant, yelling at Raj] What is wrong with you?
Penny: [in her doorway, yelling at Raj] What is wrong with you?
Raj Koothrappali: [in his apartment, yelling at himself in mirror] What is wrong with you?

[first lines]
Penny: Hey, could I ask you a question?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: You've had this dartboard since I've known you, but I've never seen you play.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh,uh, we played. Once. I broke a window.
Penny: What window?
Leonard Hofstadter: [pointing more than ninety degrees from the board] That one over there.

Leonard Hofstadter: I forgot about this; my aunt made if for me when I started college.
[holds up bright red sweater]
Penny: Awwww, did she hate you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.

Leonard Hofstadter: How about that! Sheldon's being reasonable.
Penny: Yeah, it's freaking me out; I'm going to go.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bon Voyage Reaction (#6.24)" (2013)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, listen, Do you remember when I said the similarities of the equations of General Relativity and Hydrodynamics suggest you could find the equivalent of Unruh radiation in a large body of water?
Penny: I thought I said that to you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that, and I've been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow! Hawking, good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it is. Just, you know, I'd be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long?
Leonard Hofstadter: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard Hofstadter: Couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking'll just roll overboard?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. And... I'm a little worried, because things between us have been *so* great, and I'd hate to do anything that screws that up.
Penny: Well, sweetie, if you're going to screw things up it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Penny: Well, here we are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yep. Really going to miss you.
Penny: Going to miss you too.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, we're in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We're breaking the law.
Penny: Yeah, there's no space in the white zone, so...
Leonard Hofstadter: Anyway. We can email and I, I think the phone connections are pretty good.
Sheldon Cooper: [quickly] All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I'm not going to jail for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you just relax?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport!
Penny: Did you bring enough inhalers?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: And extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on "It's a Small World."
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm covered.
Penny: OK.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear Lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction. We've been made.
Leonard Hofstadter: Calm down, I'm getting out. Something I want to give you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: [very quickly] It's just a heart shaped locket with a picture of Leonard's face in it he got at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.
Penny: I love you.
Leonard Hofstadter: I love you too.
[They kiss and embrace]
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling drugs.

Penny: Are you OK?
Raj Koothrappali: No.
Penny: I'm so sorry.
Raj Koothrappali: No... it's my fault. I finally found somebody who's right for me and I, I drove her away.
Penny: Oh, Raj.
Raj Koothrappali: Penny, I... I miss her already.
Penny: I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too.
Raj Koothrappali: What's... What is wrong with me? Why, why can't I ever have love?
Penny: You *will*.
Raj Koothrappali: No, I, I won't. I'm, I'm unlovable.
Penny: Oh, that's just the booze talking.
Raj Koothrappali: No, it's not; I haven't had a drink since last night.
[Both realize what he's said and look shocked]
Penny: You're talking to me.
Raj Koothrappali: I am.
Penny: Ahhh.
Raj Koothrappali: And now I'm crying for a whole different reason.

Leonard Hofstadter: Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that and I've been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow Hawking, good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Well it is. Just... you know I'd be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long.
Leonard Hofstadter: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard Hofstadter: A couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I'd hate to do anything to screw that up.
Penny: Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Penny: Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.
Raj Koothrappali: No.
Penny: I'm so sorry.
Raj Koothrappali: No, it's my fault. I finally find somebody who is right for me and I drove her away.
Penny: Oh. Raj.
Raj Koothrappali: Penny, I miss her already.
Penny: I known how you feel. I miss Leonard too.
Raj Koothrappali: What is wrong with me? Why can't I ever have love?
Penny: You will.
Raj Koothrappali: No. I'm unlovable.
Penny: That's just the booze talking.
Raj Koothrappali: No, no. I haven't had a drink since last night.
Penny: [Both realized what he said and look shocked] You're talking to me.
Raj Koothrappali: I am.
Penny: Ahh!
Raj Koothrappali: Now I'm crying for a whole different reason.

Leonard Hofstadter: I do have to ask you one favor.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon's nervous about me leaving; just keep an eye on him while I'm gone.
Penny: Mm, I don't know. Remember what happened when I took care of your goldfish?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, flush Sheldon down the toilet and get me a new one.

Penny: Oh, my God. Sheldon the genius is actually jealous of Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: I am not jealous. I'm just upset that good things are happening for him and are not happening to me.

"The Big Bang Theory: The White Asparagus Triangulation (#2.9)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: Of the handful of women Leonard's been involved with, she's the only one I have ever found tolerable.
Penny: Well, what about me?
Sheldon Cooper: The statement stands for itself.

Sheldon: This is bananabread.
Penny: This is a doorknob.

Penny: Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for?
Penny: Your Facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? No... No, that's not right.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
[Everybody looks at Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: I had no choice; he cried in front of her.
Leonard Hofstadter: You hacked my Facebook account?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".

Sheldon: [Knock, knock, knock] Penny.
[Knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon: Penny...
Penny: What?
Sheldon: [Knock, knock, knock] Penny. Zucchini bread.
Penny: Ooh. Thank you!
Sheldon: May I come in?
Penny: No.
Sheldon: Y - I see. Apparently, my earlier inquiry regarding you and Leonard crossed some sort of line. I apologize.
Penny: Aw, thank you.
Sheldon: So have you and I returned to a social equilibrium?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon: Great. New Topic. Where are you in your menstrual cycle?
Penny: What?
Sheldon: I've been doing some research online and apparently, female primates - you know, apes, chimpanzees, YOU - they find their mate more desirable when he's being courted by another female. Now, this effect is intensified when the rival female, is secreting the pheromones associated with ovulation. Which brings me back to my question; where are you...
Sheldon: [Penny slams door on his face] Clearly I'm 14 days too early.

Sheldon Cooper: [seeing the mess in Penny's apartment] Were you robbed?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: [looking around] How can you be sure?

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny! Hello.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: What is shaking?
Penny: [pause] I'm sorry?
Sheldon Cooper: It's colloquial, a conversation opener. So, do you find the weather satisfying? Are you currently sharing the triumph of some local sports team?
Penny: Whats wrong with you? You're freaking me out.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm striking up a casual conversation with you. Saa-uup?
Penny: Please don't do that.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, but I'm given to understand that when you have something *awkward* to discuss to someone it's more palatable to preface it with banal chit-chat.
Penny: So this *wasn't* the awkward part?

Penny: OK, all right, you know what... I'll tell you what happened.
[sighs heavily]
Penny: We were young; we were very much in love. but we could only communicate through a time-traveling mailbox at my lake house.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not enough that you made me watch that movie, but now you mock me with it?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Closure Alternative (#6.21)" (2013)
Penny: Sheldon, there are two dumplings left; do you want 'em?
Sheldon Cooper: Dumplings! Don't you understand what's going on here?
Penny: As a rule, no.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear! Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Answer honestly; this is not a trial. That'll come later.
Penny: Absolutely not.
[quietly to Leonard]
Penny: Help me out here; I can't afford another demerit.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know... It's a fat guy on a Segway; that's funny everywhere.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm deleting it.
Penny: Well, hang on! Maybe the Chinese haven't finished watching it yet.

Penny: I've got you. I've got Sheldon. All these wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a big deal.
Penny: It is, isn't it?
Leonard Hofstadter: So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-con?
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke

Penny: So I was thinking about how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard Hofstadter: The Hominy one was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the 1100 which he knows is too big for my hand.
Penny: You see that's the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realize I'm passionate about you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ahh, my cute little tushie strikes again.
Penny: Well I'm serious .Look I always had these plans to be in the movies, to live this glamorous life and anything else in my life just wasn't worth getting excited about.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, those things can still happen.
Penny: Oh, obviously it's going to happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway what I meant was I shouldn't wait. You know, I got you. I got Sheldon. These wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard Hofstadter: Big deal.
Penny: It is, isn't it?
Leonard Hofstadter: So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and then go to Comic Con.
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany; not a stroke.

Penny: I feel sorry for whoever gets that phone call.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't be. If they didn't want to be yelled at by crazy nerds, they wouldn't have started a SyFy Channel.

Penny: Sheldon, you big weirdo. I want you to know that I love you're in my life.
Sheldon Cooper: [On the floor in ecstasy after undoing all of Amy's closure avoidance therapy] And I love you, too!

Penny: [about Buffy the Vampire Slayer] It reminded me of my high school, except instead of vampires we had meth-heads. But both came out at night and had messed up teeth.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Transmogrification (#7.22)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, since Star Wars' Day is rapidly approaching we should finalize our plans.
Penny: That's a real thing? What is it? Star Wars' Christmas?
Howard Wolowitz: No, don't be ridiculous. That's Wookie Life Day.

Leonard Hofstadter: I regret not saying yes when you asked me to marry you.
Penny: Well, that just wasn't the right time.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: And this is also not the right time to propose.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: I know that face; that's your propose face.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was not going to propose. It's already two to one.
Penny: What two to one?
Leonard Hofstadter: I proposed twice, you proposed once. It's two to one.
Penny: Oh my God. It's not a contest.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know what you're upset about. I'm the one who is losing.
Penny: Fine. Would you feel better if I proposed and you could turn me down again?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think I would.
Penny: OK, Leonard. Will you marry me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hm.
Penny: No, don't you dare. You reject me right now and tie things up.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's should a big decision I don't want to have any regrets.

Leonard Hofstadter: On the one hand if I say yes.
Penny: It isn't funny anymore. Just say no so we're done with this. Will you marry me or not?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ooo. Interesting. Did you propose to me again?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really, because I just hear "will you marry me?" That's two proposals in one day. Sounds like someone wants to spend of their life telling people how to spell the name "Hofstadter".
Penny: You know what? Fine. Do whatever you want.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, Penny, Don't get upset. Here. I love you, but no. I will not marry you.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Now about that second proposal. On the one hand...

Howard Wolowitz: Some of the physical comedy of Jar-Jar is tough to watch.
Leonard Hofstadter: At least they toned him down in the second one.
Penny: Yeah, he is pretty stupid.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, we can say it. You can't.

Penny: [Trying to cry at Jeffries' funeral] No, I'm all dried up. You're a big crybaby, you start.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not a crybaby.
Penny: Really? Toy Story 3?
Leonard Hofstadter: The toys were all holding hands in a furnace!

Leonard Hofstadter: So, that was your first funeral. How was it?
Penny: I don't mean to complain, but it was a bit of a bummer.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, when I die you can rent a bounce house.

Sheldon Cooper: When Darth Vader struck down Obi-Wan, did Luke cry like a baby and go to his funeral?
Penny: No, he blew up the Death Star! Why do I even know this?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Occupation Recalibration (#7.13)" (2014)
Penny: Hi.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Penny: I'm sorry I didn't text you back. I just needed some time to think.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay.
Penny: Come in.
Leonard Hofstadter: Look if you want to break up, just say it.
Penny: Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no. I take it back. Don't say it. Just hate me but stay with me. It worked for my parents.
Penny: Listen. I don't want to break up with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, okay. Good... good. So is it cool if I cry a little?
Penny: Yeah, I probably wouldn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: Look you did the right thing last night. I was a mess. I was frustrated because my career was going nowhere.
Leonard Hofstadter: I get it. I want you to know that I support you whatever you want to do.
Penny: at, because I've been thinking that if I ever want this acting thing to work I need to focus all my energy on it. And to do that I should quit waitressing at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard Hofstadter: That... that's a big step.
Penny: I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, before making any rash...
Penny: I already quit.
Leonard Hofstadter: And I support you.
[Penny hugs Leonard]

Leonard Hofstadter: You taking Hollywood by storm?
Penny: Actually I'm at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard Hofstadter: You got your job back. That is great news. I didn't want to say anything but you are making the right choice. To plunge yourself into debt now would be literally insane.
Penny: Yeah, I'm just returning my uniform.
Leonard Hofstadter: And I support you.

Penny: Why can't Leonard understand it?
Sheldon Cooper: Because she is not like us, Penny. We're dreamers.
Penny: Yeah, I'm gonna have to start crakcing a window when I leave you in the car.

Leonard Hofstadter: I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I'm wrong, maybe we should talk about the kind of relationship we are in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm willing if you guys are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm as much a part of this relationship as you two. I think that it is high time that we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: For some reason, we're planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.

Penny: Look, I know you think I am being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her resume she is no longer 22.
Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, I am on your side.
Penny: You keep saying you're on my side, but you don't act like it.
Sheldon Cooper: He does that to me too. Why do we put up with this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Listen. I could never do what you are doing, okay? I would be terrified.
Penny: Well, it's scary for me too.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm fine with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: My point is, just because I couldn't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't. And I'm proud of you.
Penny: Okay. Thank you.

Sheldon Cooper: Did you get my lemonade?
Penny: Oh, sorry. I forgot.
Sheldon Cooper: A fitting swan song to your career as a waitress; to forget my order one last time.

Sheldon Cooper: They say some great yogis have such great control over their bodies that they can take in water up through their genitals.
Penny: I don't think we'll be getting to do that today.
Sheldon Cooper: Too bad. It sounds like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Capacitance (#2.15)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: You want to talk about not getting love from a parent - you know what I used to do when I was little for some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Course she did. Anyway, that's not what I was going to say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and I built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: My father used to borrow it.

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: [the boys are playing Rock Band]
Raj Koothrappali: I don't ever wanna feel / Like I did that day / Take me to the place I love / Take me all the way /
Raj Koothrappali: I don't ever wanna feel / Like I did that day / Take me to the place I lo-
[sees Penny in the doorway]
Penny: Fellas, please.
Howard Wolowitz: Penny, come on, we were just finding our sound.
Penny: You found it. It's the sound of a cat being run over by a lawnmower.

Leonard Hofstadter: You can't let her get into your head.
Penny: My head? What about yours?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's too late for me. My head is her summer house.

Penny: You know, I've always been curious, what was Leonard like when he was little?
Beverly: Oh, I think you mean young. He's always been little.

Penny: [Beverly is staring at the elevator] It's out of order.
Beverly: Yes, I can read the sign; I'm just pondering the implications.
Penny: I think it implies that the elevator doesn't work.

Penny: [Leonard knocks on Penny's door] Hi.
Leonard Hofstadter: You got alcohol?
Penny: Your mom still here?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yup.
Penny: [holds out bottle] C'mon in.

[last lines]
Penny: [in tears] I mean, my mom could have just said, "Bob, get over it; she's a girl. Move on!" But she didn't, not one word.
Beverly: Interesting. Would you be willing to fly to New Jersey and discuss your relationship with your parents during a brain scan?
Penny: Would it help?
Beverly: Well, it would help me.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Spell Potential (#6.23)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ah, well. When we were going through security I got pulled out of line for a pat-down. The, uh, TSA agent got a little handsy. I may have broken her nose with my elbow.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Long story short, she's on the no-fly list, and we might have been followed here by a drone.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry. I feel like such an idiot.
Penny: Oh, it's not so bad. You lost money, you're filled with shame and you got groped by a stranger; I mean, that's Vegas - you nailed it.

[Leonard and Howard have invited Penny, Amy, and Bernadette to join them in "Dungeons & Dragons"]
Sheldon Cooper: I've just never played "Dungeons & Dragons" with girls before.
Penny: Oh, don't worry, sweetie, no-one has.

[first lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to cab driver] Burbank Airport, please.
Penny: Vegas, here we come!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No husbands, no boyfriends, no rules!
Amy Farrah Fowler: No rules? We're not going to get drunk and have a six-way with the Blue Man Group are we?
Penny: No.
Amy Farrah Fowler: So there are some rules.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Fine. No husbands, no boyfriends, some rules.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Vegas!

Penny: I got a brand new bikini, so drinks at the pool are on these.
[gestures at her breasts]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I got a sexy new tube top that says come hither and a can of pepper spray that says "Close enough, Jack."
Amy Farrah Fowler: I brought some old underwear to throw onstage at the Garth Brooks concert.
Penny: I'm sorry, why old?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Because the first time I saw him, throwing new underwear didn't work.

Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Penny: [chanting in a cab] Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: [chanting in Leonard & Sheldon's living room] The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!

Penny: Who wants drinks?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, we don't drink alcohol during Dungeons and Dragons. It impairs our judgement.
Penny: This isn't alcohol, it's a magic potion that makes me like you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Double potion, please.

Penny: I get to roll next.
Sheldon Cooper: Usually the Dungeon Master gets to roll.
Penny: Yeah, well I should be in Vegas eating at the shrimp buffet, so give it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Vegas Renormalization (#2.21)" (2009)
Penny: [Sheldon has locked himself out of his apartment] I think the emergency key is around here somewhere.
Sheldon Cooper: We have a bowl. Our keys go in a bowl. You should get a bowl.
Penny: So, how did the beautiful mind of Sheldon Cooper forget his key in the first place?
Sheldon Cooper: I left them in the bowl.

Sheldon Cooper: While my compatriots are in Las Vegas, I will be enjoying a blissful evening in my personal Fortress of Solitude.
Penny: That's Superman's big ice thingy, right?
Sheldon Cooper: You know, I'm in such a good mood, I'm actually finding your tenuous grasp of the English language folksy and charming today.

Penny: What's wrong, Superman? Locked out of your big ice thingy?

Sheldon Cooper: Is this conversation making you uncomfortable?
Penny: Of course it's making me uncomfortable! Can't you tell?
Sheldon Cooper: I really have no idea. I don't particularly excel at reading facial expressions, body langu...
Penny: I'm uncomfortable, Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you, that's very helpful.

[Penny and Sheldon are trying to make small talk while eating]
Sheldon Cooper: How was your day?
Penny: Well, they shifted my schedule around at the restaurant so my hours are gonna be a little different...
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, that's not going to interest me at all, just eat.

Penny: I just remembered where the emergency key is.
Sheldon Cooper: Where?
Penny: In your apartment.
Sheldon Cooper: What's it doing in my apartment?
Penny: I went in there a few weeks ago, and you guys weren't home and I forgot it there.
Sheldon Cooper: You went in my...? Why would...? What are you saying?
Penny: It's not a big deal. I was making coffee and I ran out of milk.
Sheldon Cooper: You're the milk thief! Leonard said I was crazy, but I knew that carton felt lighter.

Sheldon Cooper: Are you suggesting I sleep on the couch?
Penny: Well, it wasn't the first suggestion that came to mind, but it's the one I'm going with.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't sleep on your couch. I sleep in a bed. And given its dimensions, I have no intention of living out E.M. Snickering's beloved children's book "The Tall Man from Cornwall".
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: [in rhyming couplets] There was a tall man from Cornwall/Whose length exceeded his bed/My body fits on it/But barely upon it/There's no room for my big Cornish head.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Comic Book Store Regeneration (#8.15)" (2015)
Penny: Is something wrong?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm mad at Amy.
Penny: Did she leave pit stains in your favorite top too?

Penny: Try thinking about something else.
Sheldon Cooper: Can I think about the spiny anteater?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: The spiny anteater... did not go behind my back and help Barry Kripke. That did not help at all.

Penny: Some visualization might help.
Sheldon Cooper: How does that work?
Penny: Close your eyes. Now pretend you're holding a pen.
[Sheldon holds up his hand as if he were holding a pen]
Penny: Open your eyes. Now, let it go.
Sheldon Cooper: But I just got this pen! I had my initials engraved in it and everything. See?
[Holds up empty hand]

Sheldon Cooper: That's all you have, tired expressions like "don't sweat it" and "let it go"? Gee, Penny, I have a bunch of lemons, what shall I do with them?
Penny: You could shove them up somewhere.
Sheldon Cooper: See? Now you're being creative.

Penny: You were testing me against a chimpanzee?
Sheldon Cooper: Amy was. I was rooting for you. I thought you did great with that banana box.

Sheldon Cooper: [after Howard learns his mother died] May I say something?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not now, Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: No, it's okay. Go ahead.
Sheldon Cooper: When my father died, I had no friends to help me through it. You do.
Penny: [Crying] I really thought he was going to say "let it go."

Penny: How's Howard holding up?
Raj Koothrappali: He's hanging in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: How are you doing, Stuart?
Stuart Bloom: Still can't believe she's gone. I mean, that woman took me in. If it wasn't for her, I, I would have been homeless.
Amy Farrah Fowler: One of us would have taken you in.
Stuart Bloom: Yeah, I don't recall any offers. But, you know what, uh, I, I'm glad it worked out the way it did because I got to know this wonderful person.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener.
Penny: Whenever I saw her, she'd say I was too skinny and try and feed me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: She did that to me, too.
Penny: Don't take this away from me.
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't care for her yelling. But now that I'm not going to hear it again, I'm sad.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you want, I can yell at you later.
Sheldon Cooper: It won't be as good.
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother to all of us. We'll miss you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bakersfield Expedition (#6.13)" (2013)
Penny: Ah, the best! You have booze with breakfast on a Tuesday you got a problem. You do it on a weekend you got brunch.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, interesting. Do you recall this conversation? "Leonard, want to go halvesies on a steamer?" "No, Sheldon we don't need a steamer." Looks like that rumpled chicken's come home to roost.
Penny: Hi, here are the makeup sponges you asked for.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thanks; I thought I had more.
Penny: Damn, you've got more makeup than I do. You got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I'm borrowing this.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: That's a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister's makeup for a costume contest, got a terrible case of pinkeye. Yeah, but luckily I was going as a zombie; I won second place.
Penny: I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.
Leonard Hofstadter: That was San Diego Comic-Con; this is Bakersfield Comic-Con.
Penny: Is that better?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, it's a lot smaller. It's more about the comics books, the way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.
Sheldon Cooper: So to answer your question, no, it's not better.
Penny: Well then why are you going?
Sheldon Cooper: It's a comic book convention. Like pizza or particle accelerators even the stinky ones, still pretty good.

Stuart: Let's see. Well, you got your basic clean good guys, Superman, Spiderman, Captain America. Then you have your darker anti-heroes, your Batman, your Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: As evidence by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.

Penny: [arguing with Amy and Bernadette over a comic book] Okay, wait. If I pick up a guy at a bar, and then he picks up another girl and we all leave together, did I pick up the girl?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [hopefully] Did that actually happen?
Penny: [avoiding the question] Hey, are we talking about me or are we talking about Thor?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Amy, Bernadette, and Penny enter the comic store the guys often go to, and every male stops what they're doing and stares at them in shock]
[Obviously uncomfortable]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why are they staring?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Who cares? Just soak it in.
[Then starts walking around, moving her hair from over her ear, then says the next line as if she were a 1940s girl talking to sailors]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hello boys.
Stuart Bloom: [Comes out of the back room and sees the girls] Oh, hey.
[Then notices all the guys looking at them]
Stuart Bloom: Would you please stop staring? They're just girls. It's nothing you haven't seen in movies or in drawings.
Penny: Hey Stuart.
Stuart Bloom: Well, what brings you girls here?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We were looking for a recommendation about comic books.
Stuart Bloom: Oh, well, I recommend you don't open a store and sell them.
Penny: No, we were wondering why the guys like the stuff so much, so we thought we'd give it a try.
Stuart Bloom: [as he speaks the next line, some of the customers start looking at the girls again] Oh ok, well what do you think you might be in to? Superheroes? Fantasy? Graphic novels? Manga?
[Turns on the others without taking a breath]
Stuart Bloom: I swear I will turn a hose on you!
[They scatter]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What kind of comics do the guys like?
Stuart Bloom: Um, a little bit of everything. Mostly superhero stuff.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Alright, well who's the best superhero?
Stuart Bloom: [Frantically] Shhhh! You can't ask a question like that in here? Are you trying to start a rumble?
Penny: Well, what do you recommend?
Stuart Bloom: Oh, well um, you got your basic clean-cut good guys, like Superman, Spider-Man, Captain America, then you got your darker "anti-heroes", like Batman, Wolverine, Punisher.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oooo, I do love a bad boy.
Penny: [Matter-of-factly] As evidenced by your boyfriend and his fear of hamsters.
Stuart Bloom: [Presenting a comic] If I were you, I'd go for Fables #1. The artwork is sophisticated, it's intelligently written, and it doesn't objectify or stereotype women.
Penny: [Distracted by another comic] Oooo, Thor! He's hot!
Stuart Bloom: Yeah, he kind of is.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [arguing with Penny and Bernadette about a comic book] It says right here on the hammer "Whoever holds this hammer, if he be worthy, shall possess the power of Thor."
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, hold on. Who decides who's worthy? Does the hammer decide?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [simultaneously with Penny] No.
Penny: Yes.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It can't decide. It's a hammer.
Penny: You said it's a magic hammer.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, but it... it can't make decisions.
Penny: If Harry Potter's wand can make decisions, why can't Thor's hammer?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, if you're gonna start comparing wands and hammers, I can't even take you seriously.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Car Displacement (#4.13)" (2011)
Penny: You know, for a smart guy, you really seem to have a hard time grasping the concept: "Don't piss off the people who handle the things you eat."
Amy Farrah Fowler: That does seem to be a valid principle.
Sheldon Cooper: I trust Penny will adhere to the official California Restaurant Workers' Solemn Oath of Ethics and Cleanliness.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't believe there's any such thing.
Sheldon Cooper: [Incredulous, to Leonard] You lied to me?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Can I stay here tonight?
Penny: Yeah. Why, what happened?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard's a complete and total ass.
Penny: Oh yeah, that. Come on in.

Penny: [Moves to hug Amy after Amy invites her to go to Big Sur] You know, it is going to be difficult, but I am going to cancel my plans so I can do this for my 'bestie'.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Please don't touch my breasts!
Penny: I... I wasn't going to.
Amy Farrah Fowler: All right. I just want to establish boundaries.

Sheldon Cooper: [turns on the light] Please tell me you're not having coitus.
Penny: We are not having coitus.
Sheldon Cooper: And you can guarantee that it won't happen at any time during the night?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: No.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Shame. Since you're my best friend, I thought it would be a good bonding opportunity.
Penny: I'm your best friend?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't you read my blog?
Penny: Oh, don't feel bad. I never read Leonard's, and I used to sleep with him.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, how do you wanna do this?
Penny: Well, I'm not getting in bed with him.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, it is a little like getting into Dracula's coffin.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Large Hadron Collision (#3.15)" (2010)
Penny: You actually put that in an agreement!
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, of if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
Sheldon Cooper: He can't kill me even if I turn.
Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?
Sheldon Cooper: No, that seemed a little far-fetched.

Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon and Penny both have the flu] I just don't understand how this happened to me. I'm scrupulous about my hygiene, I regularly disinfect my hands, and I avoid contact with other people on general principle.
Penny: I don't know what to tell you, Sheldon.
[Sheldon remembers when he hugged Penny]
Sheldon Cooper: It's *you*! I touched *you*!
Penny: Happy Valentine's day.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: Hello.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, let's dispense with the friendly banter. I believe you know why I'm here.
Penny: Well, I always figured it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.

Penny: Okay, what's the big surprise?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just a minute. This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine's Day.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Okay. Let's see. We've got, uh, milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue... My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I'm going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. But it does involve air travel. Okay, um, let me slice this *Swiss* cheese with my *Swiss* army knife, and then *you* can wash it down with a cup of *Swiss* Miss instant cocoa.
Penny: Okay, I'm starting to think Swiss is key here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh.
Penny: We're going to Disneyland and ride the Matterhorn.
Leonard Hofstadter: How does that involve air travel?
Penny: We're going to Disney *World* and ride the Matterhorn!
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Penny: Okay. Sweetie, this started out fun, but I'm over it.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider!
[Penny looks at him blankly]
Leonard Hofstadter: And ski. We'll also go skiing.
Penny: We're going skiing in Switzerland?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you'll ski, I'll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine's Day.
Penny: Oh, my God! Leonard, that's incredible!

Sheldon: I think you know why I'm here.
Penny: I always assumed it was to study us, discover our weaknesses and report back to your alien overlords.

Leonard Hofstadter: [awoken by sounds of Penny vomiting] What's going on?
Penny: [sarcastic] I'm having a tea party. What do you think's going on?
[sounds of Penny hocking up phlegm]
Penny: I think I might have the flu.
[sounds of more vomiting]
Penny: Or the plague.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, our plane leaves at 9:00 a.m. Do you think you'll feel better by then?
Penny: [sounds of more vomiting] Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna be dead!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Precious Fragmentation (#3.17)" (2010)
Penny: Okay, just to be clear, the first piece of jewelry my boyfriend gives me is a prop from a movie and I don't even get to keep it?
Howard Wolowitz: If you had gone out with me three years ago, by now you'd have my great-aunt Ida's brooch that she smuggled out of occupied Belgium in a cat.
Leonard Hofstadter: How am I looking now?

Sheldon Cooper: [Penny hits Sheldon when he tried to get the ring from her neck in her sleep] You hit me! I'm bleeding!
Leonard Hofstadter: What was that?
Penny: Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's my girl.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Give us the precious.
Leonard Hofstadter: Never!
Sheldon Cooper: [they fight] Give it to me!
Leonard Hofstadter: Get off of me!
Sheldon Cooper: Give me the ring!
Sheldon Cooper: It's mine!
Penny: OK. I gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Sheldon Cooper: Give it to me! I said give it to me!
Leonard Hofstadter: Mi-i-i-i-i-ne!

Penny: Whatcha doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Last one holding the ring decides its fate. I know it sounds silly.
Penny: No, no, no no no no, you are my boyfriend; nothing you do is silly to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Penny: FYI, this is a bag from Victoria's Secret.
[goes into her apartment]
Leonard Hofstadter: [long pause] I'm out.
[follows her]

Penny: Okay, I'm just going to go home and make a grilled cheese and window-shop on eHarmony.

Penny: Who's Adam West?
Sheldon Cooper: "Who's Adam West"? Leonard, what do the two of you talk about after the coitus?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Shiny Trinket Maneuver (#5.12)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Jewelry? Seriously? Sheldon you are the most shallow, self-centered person I have ever met. Do you really think that another transparently-manipu... OH, IT'S A TIARA! A tiara; I have a tiara! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me! Put it on me!
Penny: You, look, Beautiful.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right, tiara was too much.

Penny: So are we celebrating anything special tonight?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh yes! Our relationship agreement specifies that the second Thursday of every month, or the third Thursday in a month with five Thursdays, is date night.
Penny: That is so hot.

Penny: Sheldon, that pocket watch is ridiculous.
Sheldon Cooper: Nonsense. I look like a train conductor.

Penny: Well, if it isn't Pasadena's favorite new power couple, Shamy.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Amy] And that is the answer to your question "what is wrong with going to the Cheesecake Factory?"

Penny: Sheldon, what is wrong with you?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, not much. Although, I can be faulted for being overly fond of koala bears. I don't know what it is. When they start munching on eucalyptus, I just melt inside.

Sheldon Cooper: I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Penny: Oh, my God! Now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Einstein Approximation (#3.14)" (2010)
[first lines]
Penny: Whatcha doing?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm attempting to view my work as a fleeting peripheral image so as to engage the superior colliculus of my brain.
Penny: Interesting. I usually just have coffee.

Penny: [Sheldon is using his hands like a spyglass] What is he doing now?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or... looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
Sheldon Cooper: Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aye, aye, captain.

Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: I came to tell you, I've got the answer.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that, but I've figured out how to figure it out.
Penny: Hey, you know, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong; we're going to have to break up.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Einstein.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.
Sheldon Cooper: Albert Einstein.
Leonard Hofstadter: Keep going...

Sheldon Cooper: By the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.
Penny: No, Leonard doesn't snore.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I wasn't talking to Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Told you.

Penny: Hey, guys. Sorry you had to wait, but we're swamped.
[notices the food on the table]
Penny: What's this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn't work here!
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.

[having figured out the solution to his physics problem, Sheldon turns to leave the Cheesecake Factory, leaving a mess of food on the floor]
Penny: Sheldon, where are you going? Aren't you going to clean this up?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I don't work here.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Guitarist Amplification (#3.7)" (2009)
[first lines]
Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I can not believe you made up your own game.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, "Research Lab" is more than a game. Like the slogan says, "the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real."
Leonard Hofstadter: We must not be playing it right.

Penny: Hey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're, uh, going to the movies.
Sheldon Cooper: No, we're not. We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.

Penny: Here, what's going on?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't flatter yourself; I'm just ignoring you.

Penny: How 'bout we buy you this robot, and then we all go home.
Sheldon Cooper: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, you can have that one.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, come on! He's just going to play with it twice, and it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: Can I get this comic book too?
Penny: Yes, you can.

Penny: I hear you don't like my stuffed animals, my driving or my punctuality.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? Who would tell you something like that?
[immediately looking at Sheldon]
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you tell her something like that?

Penny: [to departing customers] Oh, thank you very much. Come back soon!
Penny: With the other half of my tip.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Justice League Recombination (#4.11)" (2010)
Penny: I'm still mad at you.
Zack: Well, you won't be when you hear the great news.
Penny: What great news?
Zack: We're going to a costume party at the comic book store on New Years Eve, and you get to be Wonder Woman.
Sheldon Cooper: Complete with bulletproof bracelets and lasso of truth. Invisible plane sold separately.

Zack: Hold on. The costume came with a black wig.
[to Penny, sotto voce]
Zack: Where is it, babe?
Penny: No. I'm not wearing it. It looks stupid.
Zack: Come on. We're trying to win a contest here.
Penny: Forget it. I'm not wearing the wig.
Zack: Penny, there is no "I" in "Justice League."

Penny: What the hell is wrong with you?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm The Flash. I just knocked 30,000 times.

Sheldon Cooper: Wonder Woman was an Amazon. And Amazons tend to be very beefy gals.
Penny: Goodbye, Sheldon!
[slams the door]
Sheldon Cooper: But they're not blond, so put on your wig!

Zack: Look up in the sky. It's a bird. It's a plane.
[Zack jumps into Sheldon and Leonard's apartment in his Superman costume]
Zack: I forget the rest.
Penny: [Enters wearing a Wonder Woman costume with a low-cut top] All right. Let's get this thing over with.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. But in what universe is Wonder Woman blonde?
Howard Wolowitz: Relax. No one's gonna be looking at her hair.
[Penny punches Wolowitz in his shoulder]
Howard Wolowitz: Ow! I mean...
Howard Wolowitz: [in gravelly voice] Ow.

Penny: [after the guys make fun of Zack] You know, for a group of guys who claim to have been bullied, you can be real jerks.
[Penny storms out of the apartment]
Raj Koothrappali: [having not said a word] What the hell did I do?
Penny: [poking her head back in] You laughed.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Status Quo Combustion (#7.24)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Now that everyone's here, Penny and I have some big news.
Penny: We're engaged!
Raj Koothrappali: Oh my goodness! And I thought me having sex with Emily was going to be the big news.
[Bernadette, Amy and Howard hug Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, hey. What the hell?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
Penny: You're right!
[Penny and Leonard join the group hug]

Penny: No, Mom. It's the same guy I've been going out with for the last two years. Yeah, the scientist. Well, it's complicated. I mean, he works with lasers and atomic magnets. No, I did not see it coming. No, we did not set a date. No, I am not pregnant. Yeah, this is a first for our family. All right. Tell Dad I love him. I gotta go. Right. Bye.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, should we talk about setting a date?
Penny: Well, I'd like to pick one that works with my brother's schedule.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. And when would that be?
Penny: Uh, 12 to 18 months from now depending on good behaviour.

Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be melodramatic. I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? You don't even have change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon Cooper: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It's called living off the land.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it's simply too much. I need to get away and think.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. You know you're overreacting.
Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe we need to let him go.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? Why?
Penny: It might be good for him.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know he can't take a trip like this by himself.
Penny: He's a grown man.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, he looks like a grown man. You've seen "Freaky Friday"; sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.
Penny: Leonard, we can't protect him forever.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, but...
Penny: He'll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.
Sheldon Cooper: Good Lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.
Penny: Seriously, let him go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, if you really need to do this I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Sheldon Cooper: I do.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Good luck.
Penny: Be safe and call us.
[Kisses him]
Sheldon Cooper: I will.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bye, buddy.
[he starts to leave]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm gonna miss you.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: He just made that easier.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? O-okay, bye.
Leonard Hofstadter: He's okay?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Actually sounds like he's doing pretty well.
Penny: I really think this is going to be for the best.
Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. And he was able to take a sabbatical...
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Hitting Leonard with a cushion] How could you let him go?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation (#3.1)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: It was the only way to make him happy.
Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan! We were going to throw his Kindle outside and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
Sheldon Cooper: That seems like a bit of an overreaction!
Leonard Hofstadter: No. The overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell "mush!"

Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon Cooper: That's for when I'm sick. Sad is not sick.
Penny: Oh, sorry. I don't know your sad song.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't have a sad song. I'm not a child.

Penny: Leonard, you're back!
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I just stopped by to...
[Penny grabs Leonard and kisses him]
Leonard Hofstadter: [taken completely by surprise] Yeah, so, hi.
Penny: Hi!
[Penny pulls Leonard into her apartment and slams the door]
Howard Wolowitz: Damn it, I should have gone over and told her we were back.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [sarcastically] Yeah, it was first come, first serve.

Penny: Well, wait a second, Leonard, come on, how can you not go? He's your best friend.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I already saw him naked. Come here.
Penny: No. I promise I will be here when you get back. Just go help Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Yeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days.
[they kiss]
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe *you* can.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: How about that? I finally caught a break.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know how they say when friends have sex it can get weird?
Penny: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why does it have to get weird?
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard Hofstadter: I mean, we were friends, and now we're more than friends. We're whatever this is. But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is and...
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: It's weird.
Leonard Hofstadter: Totally.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey. Listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn't have a chance to give you this.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, you shouldn't have. Oh, boy! What is it?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a snowflake. From the North Pole.
Penny: Are you serious?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh. It'll last forever. I preserved it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin.
Penny: Oh, my God. That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Benefactor Factor (#4.15)" (2011)
Penny: [to Leonard] Good morning, slut!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Oh please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.

Leonard Hofstadter: Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, wow!
Howard Wolowitz: Yess!
Leonard Hofstadter: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.

Leonard Hofstadter: She hit on me.
Howard Wolowitz: Wait, wait, are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think so.
Howard Wolowitz: You lucky duck.
Penny: You're really a broken toy, aren't you?

Sheldon Cooper: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I didn't do it for the money.
Sheldon Cooper: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to *her*.
Sheldon Cooper: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you!

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, let's go smooch some rich, wrinkled tochus.
Penny: Oh, Howard, I can't believe Bernadette let you go to a fancy party wearing a dicky.
Howard Wolowitz: Excuse me, my girl friend doesn't pick out my clothes. My mother does.

Penny: What was that about me trading sexual favors for material gain?
Sheldon Cooper: It's a compliment. I believe in giving credit where credit's due.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Terminator Decoupling (#2.17)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: Hi, Penny, it's Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What's going on with Doctor Wackadoodle?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words "Penny", "Sheldon", "please", or "favor".

Penny: I love San Francisco; I wish I was going with you.
Sheldon Cooper: I understand your envy; this is a can't-miss symposium. There are going to be discussions on bio-organic cellular computer devices, advancements in multi-threaded task completion, plus a round-table on the non-equilibrium green function approach to the photo-ionization process in atoms.
Penny: When I go, I usually just get hammered and ride the cable-cars.

Leonard Hofstadter: This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot.
Penny: Oh, my God! *The* George Smoot?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, you've heard of him?
Penny: Of course I haven't.
Sheldon Cooper: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.
Penny: It's kind of a funny name, though. "Smoot".
Sheldon Cooper: [to the others] It's like talking to chimp.

Penny: Have a good flight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yean, I wish.
Sheldon Cooper: We're not flying; we're taking the train.
Penny: Oh, cool.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying and costs almost twice as much.
Penny: Well then, why are you doing it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane; Sheldon voted for train; so, we're taking the train.

Sheldon Cooper: It's Sheldon.
Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not in San Francisco. I'm on a train. Were you even listening to me?
Penny: Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what's up?
Sheldon Cooper: What's up? I'll tell you what's up. I'm in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be...
Leonard Hofstadter: Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It's Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What's going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favor.

Penny: Okay, I found the box. Now what?
Sheldon Cooper: You're holding a Japanese puzzle box, which takes ten precise moves to open. Okay, first locate the panel with the diamond pattern and slide the center portion one millimeter to the left. Then, on the opposite end of the box, slide the entire panel down two millimeters. You'll hear a slight click.
Penny: Hang on. Sheldon, do you have any emotional attachment to this box?
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's a novelty I ordered off the Internet. Did you hear the click?
Penny: Not yet.
[Penny sets the box on the floor and stomps on it]
Penny: There it is.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Commitment Determination (#8.24)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: Amy's mad at me and I'm not sure why.
Penny: Okay, were you talking before she got mad?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Penny: Well, that's probably it.

Leonard Hofstadter: That was really intense.
Penny: Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers' market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables.

Penny: Wait, what is wrong with you two? He was talking about television during their date night.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, not just date night. Our 5th anniversary.
Penny: Okay, see, that's even dumber than you wondering if being bitten by a goat would give you the powers of a goat.
Sheldon Cooper: If that happens, don't make me wait ten years to watch you eat a tin can.

Penny: Hey, I don't think she's wrong about you going too slow in the relationship.
Sheldon Cooper: Too slow?
Penny: Yeah, you've been going out for years. You haven't even slept together.
Sheldon Cooper: That's right. It's called foreplay.

Penny: Still haven't heard from her?
Sheldon Cooper: No, and I'm confused. It's been nearly 24 hours. Amy should have figured out she's wrong by now.

Sheldon Cooper: What happened?
Penny: Your little buddy got mugged by a bunch of baby farm animals.
Sheldon Cooper: Been there.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Mystery Date Observation (#9.8)" (2015)
[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: I think it's so adorable you're making Sheldon breakfast.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, he's having a rough time. Amy broke his heart. The DVR cut off the last minute of Dr. Who. That crow followed him home.
Penny Hofstadter: Aren't you worried you're making french toast on oatmeal day?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, well, what's this? A pot of oatmeal, or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I don't want credit for that.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Some people think the sexiest organ is the brain.
Penny Hofstadter: No one ever bought me drinks at a bar because my brain just popped out of my shirt.

Sheldon Cooper: That's a lot of carbohydrates for a man on the prowl. But you eat it; you're married; it doesn't matter what you look like.
Penny Hofstadter: Don't take advice from a man who threw his shoe at a crow.

Penny Hofstadter: Damn, you're sneaky.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yeah, but I'm little so it's adorable.

Penny Hofstadter: So where's tall, British Dave taking you?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Over for some tea and basketball?

Leonard Hofstadter: I can't understand why we're going to the movie so early.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I forgot to tell you. We're dropping by the restaurant first to spy on Amy's date.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? I don't want to do that!
Penny Hofstadter: And I don't want to watch a movie about aluminum cans.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, it's the movie Big Soda doesn't want you to see.
Penny Hofstadter: It's the movie your wife doesn't want you to see.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Mommy Observation (#7.18)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon is out of town so we can whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn't like.
Stuart Bloom: How is it?
Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you guys want to do tonight?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I told Howie if I wasn't busy I'd spend the night at his Mom's. So for God sakes, think of something.

Penny: Are you going to make us pretend to be a bunch of lame characters with silly accents?
Raj Koothrappali: Lame characters with silly accents. What kind of an actress are you?

Raj Koothrappali: Throughout the game feel free to ask each other questions to uncover the clues.
Penny: Got it. Hey, who's the murderer?
Raj Koothrappali: Any question but that.
Penny: All right. Hey, who's not the murderer?

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think we would drift apart if we really became successful?
Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress if I had to move you'd just come with me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I got a chance to be a tenured professor I might not have that much chose where I end up.
Penny: Yea, but if I become a successful actress we wouldn't need the money.

Raj Koothrappali: Penny and Leonard, you two love birds are super-successful and living in New York. You're an actress. You're a professor and you have three beautiful kids.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great.
Penny: You're really putting this body through three kids?

Stuart Bloom: I think you're the best couple I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah.
Penny: That's so sweet.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What the hell?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me?
Penny: Let the dead man talk. Why do you say that?
Stuart Bloom: Well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of your shell. Seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don't know. Together you make one awesome person.
Penny: Ah, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Skank Reflex Analysis (#5.1)" (2011)
[Penny can't find a clean cup to pour some wine into. She then decides to use a measuring cup]
Penny: Yup, that's good. Wine glasses should have handles.

[Penny is upset about being promiscuous when she gets drunk]
Penny: I feel like two totally different people - Dr. Jekyll and Mrs. Whore.

Raj Koothrappali: As your friend, you might like to know that, um... we didn't have sex in the conventional sense.
Penny: Oh, God. Did you pull some weird Indian crap on me?
Raj Koothrappali: No, no. After we got undressed and jumped in bed, you... you asked if I had protection.
Penny: Oh, you did, didn't you?
Raj Koothrappali: Of course. I'm always packing. Anyway, um, I had trouble putting it on and you tried to help and... that was all she wrote.
Penny: So, we didn't actually...
Raj Koothrappali: I did. It was beautiful.

Penny: You heard what I did?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I heard who you did.

Penny: Look, Honey, I was really drunk and made a huge mistake last night. We should have never slept together; it's what ruins friendships.
Raj Koothrappali: You can't ruin a friendship with sex; that's like trying to ruin ice cream with chocolate sprinkles.

[last lines]
Sandy: [in a TV commercial] Ready to ride?
Penny: I don't think so, mom. Not today.
Sandy: Oh, sweetie, hemorrhoids acting up again?
Penny: You don't know the half of it.
Sandy: Oh, yes, I do. Try a dab of this.
Penny: [reading the tube] 'Rose scented preparation H for women'?
Sandy: Now the 'H' is for 'her'.
Beverly Hofstadter: [watching the commercial] I'm proud of you.
Penny: Shh! Here comes my joke.
Sandy: [in the commercial - they are both riding] How are you doing?
Penny: Sittin' pretty.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Relationship Diremption (#7.20)" (2014)
Penny: OK, I get it. Not all the jibber jabber in the middle, but I know what it's like to put your heart and soul into something and get nothing out of it.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean your acting career.
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Your relationship with Leonard.
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Your failed attempt to go back to college.
Penny: NO! I'm saying you and string theory sound like a relationship and I know what it's like to be in one and realize it's never going to turn out the way you want.
Sheldon Cooper: I said Leonard. You said no.
Penny: I'm talking about other guys.
Sheldon Cooper: OK. Well. What do you do?
Penny: You have to have the courage to end the relationship. You know, break it off, shake hands, walk away.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What did you do?
Penny: I gave him a new look. It's cute, huh?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah, it's cute: that's the problem. I don't need other girls to see him walking around like sex on a stick.
Sheldon Cooper: She's right. I'm too hot.

Penny: What's wrong with geology?
Sheldon Cooper: Let me put this in a way you'll understand Penny. You remember how you explained to me that the Kardashians aren't real celebrities? Well, geology is the Kardashians of science.

Penny: Hey, you're up early.
Sheldon Cooper: I couldn't sleep.
Penny: I told you those Walking Dead pillow cases were a bad idea.

Leonard Hofstadter: What about loop quantum gravity?
Sheldon Cooper: [High-pitched voice] Ooh, Duchess, look at me! My quantum gravity is positively loopy!
Penny: Who's the duchess?
Leonard Hofstadter: One of the people that lives in his head.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Penny is about to give Sheldon a haircut] Are you sure you want to do this?
Sheldon Cooper: The magazine article suggests that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about your old look? Well groomed ventriloquist doll.
Penny: [moving Sheldon's arm as if he's a ventriloquist's dummy] Oh, my God. I do look like that!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, stop it!
Penny: So how do you want me to cut it?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, how 'bout Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?
Leonard Hofstadter: So, business in the front, science in the back!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Peanut Reaction (#1.16)" (2008)
Penny: [to Leonard] This is the saddest thing I've ever heard.
Howard Wolowitz: You think?
Howard Wolowitz: [to Leonard] Go ahead - tell her about your senior prom.

Penny: Okay, here's the deal: you either you help me throw Leonard a birthday party, or so help me, God, I will go into your bedroom, and unbag all of your most valuable, mint-condition comic books and, on one of them, you won't know which, I'll draw a tiny little happy face in ink.
Sheldon Cooper: You can't do that! If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
Penny: Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, of course I... Oh... Hey, I have an idea: let's throw Leonard a kick-ass birthday party!

[Penny is trying to convince Sheldon to buy Leonard a gift]
Howard Wolowitz: Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: Just do it.
Penny: It's - it's a non-optional social convention.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, fair enough.
Howard Wolowitz: He came with a manual.

Leonard: How did you know my birthday's Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember? I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon Cooper: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Penny: Blah, blah, blah, a typical Taurus.

Leonard: I don't celebrate my birthday
Penny: Shut up. Yeah, you do.
Leonard: It's no big deal. It's the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories. His mother published a paper on it.
Penny: Well, what was it called? "l Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake"?
Sheldon: It was obviously effective. Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.

Howard Wolowitz: We're in a hospital right now.
Penny: Why? Is Leonard okay?
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard's fine. I'm fine, thanks for asking, by the way.
Penny: Okay, I don't need your attitude. Listen, just hold him there a little longer.
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I've done my best, but he wants to go home and I don't know how to stop him.
Penny: Okay. How about this? You keep him there a little longer and when you get to the party, I'll point out which of my friends are easy.
[Howard remains silent, unsure what he just heard]
Howard Wolowitz: Don't toy with me, woman.
Penny: I got a hot former fat girl with no self esteem, I got a girl who punishes her father by sleeping around, and an alcoholic who's two tequila shots away from letting you wear her like a hat.
Howard Wolowitz: Thy will be done.
[Howard hangs up and pulls the peanut-filled granola bar out of his back pocket]
Howard Wolowitz: [to his groin] I'm doing this for you, little buddy.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Dissolution (#7.23)" (2014)
Penny: There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in "Schindler's List" is tough to beat.
Sheldon Cooper: It's funny, because a killer gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual orientation would be out of place in a movie about the Holocaust.
Leonard Hofstadter: It only gets funnier when you explain it.
Sheldon Cooper: I know.

Penny: I need to start making some smart decisions.
Leonard Hofstadter: With your career?
Penny: With my life.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like what?
Penny: I don't know.
Penny: We could get married.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, be serious.
Penny: I am.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? Because I'm a smart decision?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: So I'm like a bran muffin.
Penny: Well, no. That's not what I'm saying.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's exactly what you're saying. I'm the boring thing you're choosing because I'm good for you.
Penny: What does it matter? The point is I'm choosing you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it matters a lot. I don't want to be a bran muffin. I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop Tart. Something you're excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no. It's too late. I'm your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.

Kenneth: And action.
Wil Wheaton: Please don't shut me out.
Penny: Go away. Just go away.
Wil Wheaton: I swear, I will find a way to turn you back.
Penny: What gave you the right to mix my DNA with that of a killer gorilla?
Wil Wheaton: I was trying to save your life.
Penny: Life? What life? Look at me I'm a monster! And now I have blood on my hands or paws. I don't know.
Wil Wheaton: You can't give up. I love you.
Penny: I love you too. But I'm afraid I love killing more. Like, one day, I might actually try and kill you.
[Ape screaming at him]
Kenneth: And cut. All right. All right, let's set up for the next scene.
Penny: Actually, you know what? Can we do one more? I think I could do it better.
Kenneth: Let's just move on. No one cares.

Penny: You know, the only thing worse than being in a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass is being fired from a movie where they glue monkey hair to your ass.

Penny: It's easy for you to say. You used to be famous.
Wil Wheaton: Penny, it's not about being famous, it's about the art, it's about the passion you have for our craft.
[Gets a text message on phone]
Wil Wheaton: I have an audition for Sharknado 2.
[Gets up to leave]
Wil Wheaton: When this is over, I'll be back to being depressed.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know I want to marry you, but you're only doing this because you got fired and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could ever happen to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then what do you need?
Penny: You, you stupid Pop Tart!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Then I guess I'm in.
Penny: Really? You guess you're in?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not like "I guess I'm in:" Like "I guess... I'm IN!"
Penny: Okay. Cool.
Leonard Hofstadter: So is that it? Are we engaged?
Penny: Yeah, I think so.
Leonard Hofstadter: All right.
Penny: What's wrong?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I know. This might help.
[Takes out a ring from his wallet]
Penny: Where did you get a ring?
Leonard Hofstadter: I've... had it for a couple of years, not important.
[Gets on knee]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, will you marry...
Penny: Oh, my God. Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Adhesive Duck Deficiency (#3.8)" (2009)
[Sheldon is helping Penny get dressed without looking]
Penny: Now, you gotta help me get my arm into the sleeve.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
Penny: Is that my arm?
Sheldon Cooper: It doesn't feel like an arm.
Penny: Then maybe you should let it go.
Sheldon Cooper: [pause] All righty.

Penny: Sheldon, look, I am scared and in a lot of pain. Could you please take a break from being you for just a minute and try being... I don't know... comforting?

Sheldon Cooper: We have to fill these out. "Describe illness or injury."
Penny: I dislocated my shoulder.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. And how did the accident occur?
Penny: You already know that.
Sheldon Cooper: Cause of accident: Lack of adhesive ducks. Okay, medical history. Have you ever been diagnosed with diabetes?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Kidney disease?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Migraines?
Penny: Getting one.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you currently pregnant?
Penny: No!
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? You look a bit puffy.
Penny: Change migraine to "yes."
Sheldon Cooper: When was your last menstrual period?
Penny: [in a disgusted tone] Oh, next question.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll put "in progress." Okay, turning to psychiatric disorders, list all major behavioral diagnoses, e.g. depression, anxiety etc.
Penny: Oh my God! What the hell does this have to do with my stupid shoulder?
Sheldon Cooper: Episodes of sub-psychotic rage.
Penny: Ass!
Sheldon Cooper: Possible Tourette's. All right, "moles, lesions, or other skin conditions." Soup tattoo on right buttock.

Sheldon Cooper: Now, where is the switch to adjust the passenger-side mirror?
Penny: It's right there.
Sheldon Cooper: Where is the passenger-side mirror?
Penny: In a parking lot in Hollywood.

Sheldon Cooper: While we have a moment, may I ask you a question?
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Why do you have the Chinese character for soup tattooed on your right buttock?
Penny: It's not 'soup', it's 'courage'.
Sheldon Cooper: No it isn't. But I suppose it does take courage to demonstrate that kind of commitment to soup.
Penny: How'd you see it? You said you wouldn't look.
Sheldon Cooper: Sorry. As I told you, the hero always peeks.

Penny: Sing Soft Kitty to me.
Sheldon Cooper: Soft Kitty is for when you're sick. You're not sick.
Penny: Injured and drugged is a kind of sick.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Speckerman Recurrence (#5.11)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge your other testicle up there.
Leonard Hofstadter: I told you, that was a different guy.
Penny: Mm, that's too bad. Could've spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Honey, it doesn't matter what you did in the past. You're a good person now.
Penny: That's easy for you to say. You weren't just called a bu-bu-bu-bitch.

Penny: Did Sheldon change the wi-fi password again?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. It's "pennyalreadyeatsourfoodshecanpayforwifi". No spaces.

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you want to hear something weird?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I thought it was a game.

Sheldon Cooper: OK, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices: an email from an old acquaintance or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam-dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just do it because he's not gonna let it go.
Penny: Basketball Pope.
Sheldon Cooper: And that's how it's done.

Penny: I feel just like Mother Teresa, except for the virgin part. That ship sailed a long time ago.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I think Mother Teresa would have washed the clothes first.
Penny: Yeah, well I bet her laundry room wasn't down five flights of stairs.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Euclid Alternative (#2.5)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: Studies have shown that performing tasks such as eating, talking on the cellphone or drinking coffee while driving reduces one's reaction time by the same factor as an ounce of alcohol.
Penny: Do you have any alcohol?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course not.
Penny: Too bad.

Sheldon Cooper: I still don't see why I need a driver's license. Albert Einstein never had a driver's license.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, but Albert Einstein didn't make me wet myself at 40 miles an hour.
Penny: Yeah, and I never wanted to kick Albert Einstein in the nuts.

Penny: [Sheldon doesn't have a driving license] Why didn't you just get a license at sixteen, like everybody else?
Sheldon Cooper: I was otherwise engaged.
Penny: Doing what?
Sheldon Cooper: Examining perturbative amplitudes in n=4 supersymmetric theories, leading to a reexamination of the ultraviolet properties of multi-loop n=8 supergravity, using modern twistor theory.
Penny: Well, how about when you were seventeen?

Sheldon Cooper: [about a driving simulation] Now, are there airbags?
Leonard Hofstadter: You don't need airbags!
Sheldon Cooper: But what if a simulated van rear-ends me?
Penny: I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.

Sheldon Cooper: Your check engine light is on.
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Sheldon Cooper: Typically that's an indicator to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: It's fine, it's been on for, like, a month.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, actually, that would be all the more reason to, you know, check your engine.
Penny: Sheldon, it's fine.
Sheldon Cooper: If it were fine, the light wouldn't be on. That's why the manufacturer installed that light, to let you know it's not fine.
Penny: Uh, maybe the light's broken.
Sheldon Cooper: Is there a "check the check engine light light"?

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, why are you arguing with the DMV?
Sheldon Cooper: How else are they going to learn? Look, question two: "When are roadways most slippery?" Now, okay, there are three answers, none of which are correct. The correct answer is when covered by a film of liquid sufficient to reduce the coefficient of static friction between the tire and the road to essentially zero, but not so deep as to introduce a new source of friction.
Octavia: [approving his permit] Here's your learner's permit. Go away.
Sheldon Cooper: But I'm not done. I... I have many additional concerns about these questions.
Octavia: Don't make me climb over this counter.
Penny: [leading Sheldon away] All right, come on. Come on.
Octavia: Next!
Sheldon Cooper: Aced it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Robotic Manipulation (#4.1)" (2010)
Penny: You don't even like people touching you. How are you and Amy going to have sex?
Sheldon Cooper: Why on Earth would we do that?
Penny: To have your baby. Didn't your mom have the talk? You know, when your private parts started to grow?
Sheldon Cooper: I am well aware of the way humans usually procreate, which is messy, unsanitary, and judging from living next door to you for the past three years, involves loud and unnecessary appeals to a deity.
Penny: Oh, God.
Sheldon Cooper: Exactly.

Penny: Your hair smells nice. What fragrance are you using?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Dandruff shampoo. I have a dry scalp.
Penny: Well, your hair looks nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you a homosexual?
Penny: Um, no. Just paying you a compliment.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.

Sheldon Cooper: You realize, Penny, that the technology that went into this arm will one day make unskilled food servers such as yourself obsolete.
Penny: Really? They're gonna make a robot that spits on your hamburger?
Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard] I thought you broke up with her. Why is she here?

Penny: So, um, Amy, Sheldon tells me you're a Neuro... something or other?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Neurobiologist. Your "check engine" light is on.
Penny: Yeah, it's OK.
Amy Farrah Fowler: But the light indicates...
Sheldon Cooper: Don't, bother, I've wasted many an hour tilting at that particular windmill.
Penny: Uh, what is that scent you're wearing? It smells great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Dandruff Shampoo. I have dry scalp.
Penny: Ah, well your hair looks very nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you a homosexual?
Penny: No, No, I'm just, giving you a compliment.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hm. Would have been more flattered if you were a homosexual.
Penny: Guys, how about some music?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I wouldn't care for that, Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No, thank you.
Penny: OK. Uncomfortable silence it is. Hey, Sheldon, have you told Amy what it was like for you growing up in Texas?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Penny: Well, why don't you tell her?
Sheldon Cooper: Alright. It was hell.
Penny: Any follow up Amy?
Amy Farrah Fowler: No.
Penny: I, myself, grew up in Nebraska. Small town, outside of Omaha. Yeah, a nice place, mostly family farms, a few meth labs.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, how is this better than uncomfortable silence?
Penny: I don't know, I was just trying something.
Sheldon Cooper: Muggles.

Penny: [sighs] OK, you know what? I'm gonna come at this in a whole new way. Sheldon, if you try to make a baby with Amy in a petri dish, I'm going to tell your mother on you.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's no threat. My mother's always wanted a grandchild.
Penny: Really, your deeply religious, born again Christian mother wants a test tube grandbaby born out of wedlock?
Sheldon Cooper: [stunned] Curses.

Penny: Who's Amy?
Leonard Hofstadter: His girlfriend.
Penny: [blindsided by the news] Sheldon has a girlfriend?
Sheldon Cooper: She's not my girlfriend.
Penny: How long has this been going on?
Leonard Hofstadter: Four months.
Sheldon Cooper: She's not my girlfriend.
Penny: Are you telling me for the past four months, I have been asking you "What's new?" and you never thought to go with "Sheldon has a girlfriend"?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Vartabedian Conundrum (#2.10)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you think if a woman was living with me that I'd be the first one to know about it?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you'd be the last one to know about it.

Penny: [proving to Leonard that Stephanie has moved in with him] Hmm... Cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together.
Penny: Okay. Hmm... Scented candles, fuzzy slippers. Ooh, floral bed sheets.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together!
Penny: Okay, moving on. Uh, who are these guys at Disney World?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh... the big dog is Goofy. And... the older couple with the mouse ears, I have no idea.
[Penny smiles at him]
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together!
Penny: You're gonna go down swinging, huh? All right. Well, we've got your body lotion, your "In Style" magazine, your jewelry box.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not- where's my Bat-Signal?
Penny: You have a Bat-Signal?
Leonard Hofstadter: I did. It was right here. She must have...
[realization dawns on Leonard]
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my God. We're living together.
Penny: [sarcastically] Really? What was your first clue?

Penny: Out of coffee. Need coffee.
Stephanie Barnett: Uh, hello.
Penny: Hi! Stephanie, right?
Stephanie Barnett: Uh-huh. And, and, and you are?
Penny: I'm Penny, I live across the hall. I've heard a lot about you.
Stephanie Barnett: Really?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Barnett: I haven't heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?
Leonard Hofstadter: She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved and you haven't heard about her because... I never slept with her, I swear!

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: [speaking via a computer] We are out of herbal tea. Do you have any?
Penny: Hold on, I'll go check.
Sheldon Cooper: Some hiney would be nice.
[Sheldon realizes his mistake right away]
Penny: [offended] Hiney?
Sheldon Cooper: [retypes] Honey.

Penny: Come on, Leonard, you are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to!
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Yes! You don't always have to go along with what the woman wishes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Huh.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Nothing. Just rethinking my whole life.

Leonard Hofstadter: What do I say to her?
Penny: I don't know. What do women say to you when they want to slow your relationship down?
Leonard Hofstadter: "I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark?"

"The Big Bang Theory: The Spaghetti Catalyst (#3.20)" (2010)
Penny: So, how you been?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, my existence is a continuum, so I've been what I am at each point in the implied time period.
Penny: You're just coitusing with me, are you?
Sheldon Cooper: Bazinga!

Sheldon Cooper: Uh-oh.
Penny: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: I want to get my mail.
Penny: So go get it.
Penny: Are you trying to get it telepathically?
Sheldon Cooper: I think you mean telekinetically, and no.

Leonard Hofstadter: Whatever you do, don't let him near Goofy. He'll have nightmares and I'll be the one having to deal with it.
Penny: What's his problem with Goofy?
Leonard Hofstadter: You got me. He's fine with Pluto.

[first lines]
Penny: [checking her mail] Oh, damn. They canceled my Visa.
[flips to the next envelope]
Penny: Oh, yay! A new MasterCard!

Sheldon Cooper: I see you bought Mama Italia marinara spaghetti sauce.
Penny: Yep.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the sauce my mother uses. She likes cooking Italian because according to her, that's what the Romans made Jesus eat.

Penny: He's such an angel when he's asleep.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.
Penny: I think we can do it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn't that be wrong?
Penny: No, be friends. You and me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.
Penny: Good. I'm glad.
Leonard Hofstadter: Here's an idea. I'm just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good night.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Transporter Malfunction (#5.20)" (2012)
Penny: Tada!
Sheldon Cooper: A vintage, mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter, with real transporter action. Hotdarn!
Leonard Hofstadter: Where did you get that?
Penny: That's from Stuart at the comic book store.
Leonard Hofstadter: You went to the comic book store by yourself?
Penny: Yeah! It was fun. I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.
Sheldon Cooper: This calls for an expression of gratitude.
Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare, Sheldon Cooper hug?
Sheldon Cooper: No, not this time, then they wouldn't be special.
[makes a finger-gun gesture]
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, Penny!
Penny: You're welcome. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. Leonard, I got you... a label maker!
Leonard Hofstadter: Ahh... No, it's great. Also... it's mint in box.
Penny: And... I got you a transporter too!
Leonard Hofstadter: Awesome!

[first lines]
Penny: Oh my God, I love this chicken!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you know what they say, 'Best things in life are free'.
Penny: Okay, you're right, I eat your food a lot. Now, how 'bout this: you can raid my fridge any time you want.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's very kind of you. Next time I have a hankering to wash down a D-cell battery with a jar of old pickle juice, I'll come a-knocking.

Raj Koothrappali: All right, uh, fine. I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody. Koothrappali plus one.
Leonard Hofstadter: Who are you bringing?
Raj Koothrappali: [Defensively] Who are *you* bringing?
Penny: He's bringing me. And who are you bringing?
Raj Koothrappali: Wow, what a bunch of nosy O'Donnells!

Leonard Hofstadter: Once you open the box, it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

Sheldon Cooper: It was me. I opened your toy... discovered it was broken, and didn't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you open mine?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't, that was a lie. I opened my own toy... and it was already broken, so I switched them.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you should talk to Stuart.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake and that's a lie.
Penny: What is the truth?
Sheldon Cooper: My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it, and when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, that I believe.

"The Big Bang Theory: The 21-Second Excitation (#4.8)" (2010)
Bernadette: You know what I really love about Howard? His chest hair.
Penny: Howard has a hairy chest?
Bernadette: No, just the one, but it's really long.

Penny: How does an archeology professor get that good with a whip?
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe he took a class at the adult bookstore. That's how I learned.

Penny: You know, I could totally rock a hat like that.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the work of noted Hollywood costume designer Deborah Nadoolman. She also designed the iconic red and black jacket in Michael Jackson's "Thriller" video, which I've never watched in its entirety, as I find zombies dancing in choreographed synchronicity implausible. And also, it's really scary.

Penny: I think I'll pass, but you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
Leonard Hofstadter: I bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we'd still be together.
Penny: Hmm... yeah, no we wouldn't.
[Raj whispers something to Howard]
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.

Penny: You know, Amy, when we say girl talk, it doesn't just have to be about our lady parts.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Shame. Because I have a real zinger about my tilted uterus.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hesitation Ramification (#7.12)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's nice that we all get to eat together.
[the guys mumble in agreement]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon Cooper: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.
Penny: Guys, guys. You're never going to believe this.
Leonard Hofstadter: What happened?
Penny: I just got a job on a TV show.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's great. Guys!
[Guys mumble acknowledgement]
Howard Wolowitz: What's the show?
Penny: NCII or you know NCSC. I don't know. It's the one with all the letters and I'm going to be on it.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's amazing.
Howard Wolowitz: What's your part?
Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooooh. Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's just flirting.
Penny: Yea, why?
Leonard Hofstadter: No reason. I just think it's sexier when left to the imagination.
Penny: Oh.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's wrong.

Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Really because...
Penny: Well... the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
Penny: No. This was supposed the big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it's... it's gone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What happened?
Penny: They must have cut it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, Penny. I'm sorry.
Howard Wolowitz: That stinks.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn't make any sense to me. I mean... I thought I did a really good job. I... Excuse me.

Penny: You didn't get your part cut. And you didn't get your part cut. Yep a bunch of old guys rocking out in a band all with erectile dysfunction, you didn't get your part cut.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, can we talk?
Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.

Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. How much for a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Penny: Hey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'll call you back.
Penny: Look, I know you were just trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I don't think you called it idiotic.
Penny: Oh. Sorry, I meant to. Anyway, um,. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. I just feel like everything is falling apart.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. It's OK.
Penny: No, it's not OK. Look at me. OK. I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and still doing it. I can't quit because guess what, I can't do at anything else. And I finally get me big break and it goes away. I'm such a mess.
Leonard Hofstadter: No you're not.
Penny: Really? Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.

Leonard Hofstadter: OK, listen to me. This is just a minor setback.
Penny: No it's not. I've been out here for like ten years. I've nothing to show for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: You have me.
Penny: You're right. I do have you. Mmm. Let's get married.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Ohh. Leonard Hofstadter... will you marry me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ummm.
Penny: Did you seriously just say, "Ummm"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Look you know I love you, but you're drunk and sad and feeling lost...
Penny: OK, so... so... you don't want to marry me?
Leonard Hofstadter: That is not what I said.
Penny: No forget it. I take it back. Offers off the table.
Sheldon Cooper: Who's in the mood to laugh?
Leonard Hofstadter: Really not a good time.
Sheldon Cooper: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
Penny: I'm gonna go.
Leonard Hofstadter: No. Penny don't.
Penny: No, no. I just need to be alone.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Displacement (#7.7)" (2013)
Arthur Jeffries: So you have any single grandmothers?
Penny: Sorry, they're both married.
Arthur Jeffries: Happily?
[Penny gives him a "comme ce, comme ca" hand expression]

Howard Wolowitz: ...And an astolyne torch to melt it down.
Penny: Oooo. That looks like fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you should master glue before you move onto fire.

Amy Farrah Fowler: What are you working on?
Raj Koothrappali: Ah, making a necklace for my mother.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's sweet.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, she and my dad are going through a rough patch so wanted to do something to let her know I was thinking about her.
Penny: What's going on with them?
Raj Koothrappali: Eh, they're having a little problem communicating. My dad says it's because the sound of my mum's voice makes him want to tear his ears off and sew them over his eyes so he never has to look at her again.

Amy Farrah Fowler: So what tools did you bring?
Howard Wolowitz: Everything we need to make jewelery molds; here's some silver, a crucible and an acetylene torch to melt it down.
Penny: Ooooo, that looks like fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe you should master glue before you move on to fire.

[last lines]
Arthur Jeffries: So, you, uh, you have, you have any si- single grandmothers?
Penny: Sorry, they're both married.
Arthur Jeffries: Good. Ha-hap- ha-hap- happily?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Contraction (#5.15)" (2012)
Penny: Sheldon, that's not what girlfriends are for... Although, you don't use them for what they're for, so what do I know?

Howard Wolowitz: Next week I fly to Houston for orientation and zero-gravity elimination drills.
Penny: What does that mean?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He's going to learn to poop in space.
Howard Wolowitz: Open the pod bay doors, HAL.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe your nickname should be Brown Dynamite.

Penny: I got some candles in my apartment.
Sheldon Cooper: Candles, during a blackout! Are you mad! That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water & Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
Leonard Hofstadter: You call that a glow stick?
[Pulls out a glowing lightsaber replica]
Leonard Hofstadter: That is a glow stick.

Penny: Oh, good, your power's out too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why is that good?
Penny: Because last month I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.

Penny: Oh, good. Your power's out too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why is that good?
Penny: Because last month, I sent the power company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper/Kripke Inversion (#6.14)" (2013)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, your food's getting cold.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll eat later. Right now I'm suckling at the informative bosom of Mother Physics.
Penny: Hot when Sheldon talks dirty.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no!
[Star Wars' Darth Vader theme is playing]
Penny: What is that?
Leonard Hofstadter: That is Sheldon's "I'm unhappy and about to destroy the planet" music. Hey, let's just go to your place.
Penny: Well, wait, if he's unhappy shouldn't we talk to him?
Leonard Hofstadter: Shouldn't we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?

Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Leonard Hofstadter: You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: That's awfully personal.
Leonard Hofstadter: We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny: So, what's the problem?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Leonard Hofstadter: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?
Sheldon Cooper: [a long pause] It's a possibility.
Penny: [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God!
[Out loud]
Penny: Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey.
[Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement]

Penny: I hate it when you make me sit through all the credits.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, sometimes there's a secret ending, like in The Avengers.
Penny: Leonard, I don't think that's going to happen in a documentary about the Holocaust.
Leonard Hofstadter: They could show bloopers.

Penny: Want me to make you some tea?
Sheldon Cooper: Tea is for when I'm upset; I'm not upset. The university is forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, cocoa?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, cocoa!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Isolation Permutation (#5.8)" (2011)
[first lines]
Penny: Bernadette, how goes the hunt for bridesmaid dresses?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, if you don't mind looking like an orange traffic cone, great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [entering] Girlfriends, I have the answer to our dress problems.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Twelve years ago, my cousin, Irene, and her entire family died in a horrific carbon monoxide accident the night before her wedding.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's horrible!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes and no. All those bridesmaids dresses remain unused and available to us for free. So it seems that cloud of odorless deadly gas had a silver lining after all. Check it out; still in the bags - the gowns, not the bridesmaids.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I don't know; dead people's dresses?
Penny: Yeah, and cap sleeves? Uh-unn...

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, we're really sorry.
Penny: Yeah, we feel awful.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Don't. I'll be okay. You're not the first girls I thought were friends with me who ended up shunning me. It's like elementary school, junior high, high school, undergrad, grad school and that semester abroad in Norway all over again.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Look at this brain.
Penny: [Turning away] I don't really want to.
Amy Farrah Fowler: This is us. Bernadette, you are the analytical, scientific left hemisphere. Penny, you're the creative, spontaneous right hemisphere. And where's Amy? She's right here. The sad little tumor no-one wants to go dress shopping with.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Amy, you're not a tumor. Penny, tell her she's not a tumor, huh.
[Penny vomits into a waste basket]

Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you want? Do you want me to give the friendship bracelet back?
Penny: I never gave you a friendship bracelet.
Amy Farrah Fowler: When we first met, I made one and pretended you gave it to me; you can have it back if you want.
Penny: No, you made that for you. I want you to have it.

[last lines]
[Amy is filming them trying on the dresses]
Amy Farrah Fowler: C'mon, Bestie, you're up.
Penny: Gimme a minute.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What is taking you so long.
[Amy opens dressing room door]
Penny: Oh! Amy, get the hell out of here.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry. Sorry.
Penny: Oh God.
[Amy swings the camera back on Penny again]
Penny: Amy!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sorry.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Alien Parasite Hypothesis (#4.10)" (2010)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Did you know that the iconic Valentine's heart shape is not actually based on the shape of a human heart, but rather on the shape of the buttocks of a female bending over?
Penny: So I spent seventh grade dotting my I's with little asses?
[Amy nods]
Penny: Cool.

Penny: Are you saying that Amy is... oh, what's the scientific word...
Sheldon Cooper: Forget science. She's horny.

Penny: I'm suggesting there might be something you could do about Amy's... urges.
Sheldon Cooper: It's illegal to spay a human being.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do you know him?
Penny: Oh, we went out a couple times.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm often flummoxed by current slang. Does 'went out' mean 'had intercourse'?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes,
Penny: No, no. But in this case yes.

Penny: [about Zack] He just didn't really challenge me on an intellectual level.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Couldn't you just fool around with him and then listen to NPR?
Penny: Wouldn't help. Zsck can't even spell NPR.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bran Hypothesis (#1.2)" (2007)
Penny: [Penny screams from her apartment] SON OF A BITCH!
Leonard: Penny's up.

Leonard: Do you wanna join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: Wow, a marathon, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You're kidding, right?
Penny: You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?
Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz: *One.*
[Raj holds up one finger]
Sheldon: You know that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy?
Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly...
Sheldon: No, no, let's assume that they can... Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard: Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It'd be a more merciful death.
Leonard: Well, excuse me! Your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength. It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow sun!
Wolowitz: And you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?
Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the Moon's solar reflection, and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny: I'm just gonna go wash up.
Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there; I challenge you to find a single reference to "Kryptonian skin cells."
Sheldon: Challenge accepted!
[walks to door]
Sheldon: We're locked out...
Koothrappali: Also, the pretty girl left.

Penny: You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?
Leonard: Yes, but only to clean.
Sheldon: Really more to organize. You're not actually dirty, per se.
Penny: Give me back my key.
[Leonard hands said key back]
Leonard: I'm very, very sorry.
Penny: Do you understand how creepy this is?
Leonard: Uh, yes. We discussed it at length last night.
Penny: In my apartment? While I was *sleeping*?
Sheldon: And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection. But it could be sleep apnea. You might wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist. The throat doctor.
Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
[behind Penny, Leonard holds up a piece of paper with "sarcasm" scribbled on it]
Sheldon: Oh.

Penny: Was it hard to get it up the stairs?
Sheldon: Pfffff...
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: No.

[last lines]
Penny: OK, this place does look pretty good.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangible Affection Proof (#6.16)" (2013)
[first lines]
Penny: You'll never believe what happened to me at work today.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mph?
Penny: This old guy was choking on a spoon and I saved his life.
[she makes a choking sound]
Leonard Hofstadter: You're kidding; did you Heimlich him?
Penny: No, I said "Oh, my God, I think that old guy's choking!" and one of the busboys Heimliched him.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're a hero!
Penny: Yeah, that *was* the point of the story.

Leonard Hofstadter: D'you know what? That was pretty crappy of you. I mean, all I wanted to do was give you a great night and it's like you, you went out of your way to destroy it.
Penny: Yep. I know. I'm a total bitch.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not saying that.
Penny: Well, I am.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, fine, you win; you're a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
Penny: I don't know. Maybe 'cause things are going so well between us lately and I've been really happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK. You're going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
Penny: Obviously, I have some commitment issues.
Leonard Hofstadter: Glaringly obvious. Go on.
Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you'll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I'm going to end saying yes then we're going to be married forever and the whole think just freaks me out.
Leonard Hofstadter: O.K. I know I propose a lot... so, how about this? I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
Penny: What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Penny: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. It's all on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards; I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Penny: Yeah, you got it.
Leonard Hofstadter: And I'm cool with surprises, but nothing on the Jumbotron. I don't want to cry on a big screen like that.
Penny: O.K. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Leonard Hofstadter: You do?
Penny: Leonard Hofstader.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes?
Penny: Will you be my valentine?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, maybe next year.
[Leaves for the door, then turns around]
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just kidding. Romance ninja! Let's have sex! Whoo-yah!

Penny: It's just there's so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out.
Leonard Hofstadter: 'Kay, well this time it's going to be different, because I am like a romance ninja. Hm. You don't see it coming, and then Bam! Romance! Watch out! Hearts! Kisses! Love! Boo-yah!
Penny: You know, sometimes I think I've made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.

Penny: It's just not fair, okay? They're bad people. It's not supposed to end happy for them, it's supposed to end happy for me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, it did end happy for you; you're here with me.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Now this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
Penny: Oh, come on, don't make this about you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I'm not; it's about you.
Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you Valentine's Day sucks.
Leonard Hofstadter: This one does, and you're the reason why.

Leonard Hofstadter: [after Penny's ex-boyfriend proposes in the restaurant] Two can play this game.
[Gets down on one knee]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny...
Penny: Get up!
Leonard Hofstadter: All right.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotion Interruption (#8.1)" (2014)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Anyway I talked you up to Don. He's the guy who'll be interviewing you.
Penny: Oh, I really appreciate this. I just hope I'm not in over my head.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You'll be fine. Just be yourself.
Penny: I wish I felt more confident.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I wouldn't put you up for this job if I didn't think you could handle it.
Penny: Oh thank you, but maybe I should cancel.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: It's too late to cancel. You're going.
Penny: But I don't know anything about pharmaceuticals.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I understand. You want something you're really good at. I know. Why don't I get you a job at the "sitting around all day wearing yoga pants" factory?
Penny: They're comfortable.

Don: So, why do you think you'd make a good pharmaceutical sales rep?
Penny: Well, I'm a people person. People like me. Some of my favorite people are people. I feel like I'm saying "people" a lot. People. People. People. Pe... OK, I'm done.
Don: You sure?
Penny: People. Yea.

Penny: Wanna do yoga with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Let me have some coffee first, so I can have the strenght to tell you how much I don't want to do that.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Being a pharmaceutical representative is just like being a waitress, only instead of pushing the fish tacos before they go bad, you push the antidepresants before the FDA finds out it causes rectal leakage.
Penny: It does?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No. Our lawyers say a lot of things cause rectums to bleed.

Sheldon Cooper: I feel renewed. I feel strong enough to take any new changes that come my way.
Penny: Hey, you're back!
Sheldon Cooper: You changed your hair. Your hair is different. I can't take this. I'm out.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (#6.15)" (2013)
Leonard Hofstadter: I swear that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I've ever met!
Penny: Yeah but you two make such a cute couple... Like Bert and Ernie... You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers!

Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Bert and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about *words* and *numbers*.

Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I've had it. I am done. I can't, I can't live with him for one more minute.
Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go?
Leonard Hofstadter: I was thinking here with you.
Penny: [Looks shocked] Oh.
Leonard Hofstadter: That a problem?
Penny: No, not at all. No, it's, it's great. It's terrific. I, you know, I just can't help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how's he going to get by without you? Ernie.

Leonard Hofstadter: Since when don't you want to live with me?
Penny: Oh, don't get all huffy. You're the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's talk about that.

Leonard Hofstadter: He's got Amy now.
Penny: Yeah, he does, but... it's not the same.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: Um... well, um... all right, you... you remember in "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" Ron didn't abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron's sister?
Leonard Hofstadter: [exasperated by another spoiler] Harry and Ginny get together?
Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Codpiece Topology (#2.2)" (2008)
Penny: [as they are coming up the stairs] ... no, it wasn't my cat. It was an experiment designed by this guy named Schrodinger.
Eric: From the Charlie Brown cartoons?
Penny: No, he was some kind of scientist. Let me start again. Y -
[sees Leonard]
Penny: Oh, hey Leonard!

Penny: Why don't you go to a movie?
Sheldon Cooper: Alone?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: What if I choke on my popcorn? Who will administer the Heimlich manuver?
Penny: So, don't buy popcorn.
Sheldon Cooper: No popcorn at the mo - listen to yourself!

Sheldon Cooper: If Leonard is really my friend, why doesn't he have to support me in my hatred of Leslie Winkle?
Penny: Because love trumps hate.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, now you're just making stuff up!

Penny: Why don't you see a movie or something?
Sheldon: Alone?
Penny: Yeah, why not?
Sheldon: What if I choke on my popcorn, who will administer the Heimlich maneuver?
Penny: Well, then don't order popcorn.
Sheldon: No popcorn at the movies? Listen to yourself.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard is upstairs right now with my arch-enemy.
Penny: Your arch-enemy?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, the Dr. Doom to my Mr. Fantastic, the Dr. Octopus to my Spider-Man, the Dr. Sivana to my Captain Marvel...
Penny: Okay, I get it, I get it!
Sheldon Cooper: You know, it's amazing how many supervillains have advanced degrees.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Septum Deviation (#8.9)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: It's not life-threatening. Why are you getting surgery?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because I can't breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections...
Penny: Back off. He's mine.

Sheldon Cooper: I assume the clinic has already treated the burns on your bottom from your recent pants fire.
Penny: Because I'm a liar, liar?
Sheldon Cooper: That's for the fire marshall to determine.

Penny: [Noticing the teddy bear Sheldon has] It's nice you got that for Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, this isn't for Leonard. Amy bought me this.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He stubbed his toe on the revolving door.
Sheldon Cooper: You know those confounded things confuse me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Then why did you keep going around?
Sheldon Cooper: There was a large plant in the lobby. I kept mistaking it for the outside.

Sheldon Cooper: [a tremor shakes the waiting room] What was that?
Penny: It's just a small tremor.
Sheldon Cooper: A small tremor that can turn a routine sinus surgery into a frontal lobotomy.
[Power goes out]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I don't care for this at all. I have to see that Leonard is all right. I'm going in there.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, you can't go in there.
Sheldon Cooper: Try and stop me.
[Runs into glass door and falls]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Why didn't you stop me?

Leonard Hofstadter: What you get?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I ordered this before your surgery. It's the urn I was going to put you in.
Penny: It's morbid. Send it back.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't. I had it engraved. "Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better."
Leonard Hofstadter: That's funny. Boy, I'm gonna miss these pain killers.
Penny: Why'd you get two? "I'm with stupid."
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that one's mine.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Pirate Solution (#3.4)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: [about going with Penny on Thanksgiving] I'd love to, but on Thanksgiving my family comes to my mother's for her famous tur-briska-fil.
Penny: Tur-briska-fil?
Howard Wolowitz: Turkey stuffed with brisket stuffed with gefilte fish. It's not as good as it sounds.

Penny: [to Leonard] Hi, honey.
Howard Wolowitz: So we're honey now?
Sheldon Cooper: Ever since her relationship with Leonard became carnal, she has upgraded her term of endearment to honey, delegating the rest of us as sweetie, usually as a veiled attempt to soften an insult.
Penny: You're boring people, sweetie.
Sheldon Cooper: Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.

Penny: You know what I'd like to do?
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Go over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you are a dirty girl!
[Knock at the door]
Penny: Oh, how did he know?

Howard Wolowitz: So, what are we watching? Sex and the City? Yikes!
Penny: Hey, I happen to love this movie.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, let's watch it. Maybe all of our periods will synchronize.

Howard Wolowitz: Well, usually, on Sundays, I go with Raj to scam on hippie chicks at the farmers market, but he's still working with Sheldon, so I thought I'd come over here and make you guys scrambled eggs and salami. It's the perfect meal for apres l'amour.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, kill me.
Howard Wolowitz: By the way, I couldn't help overhearing your big finish. Bravo, Leonard.
Penny: See, if you had killed me when I said kill me, I wouldn't have had to hear that.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Decoupling Fluctuation (#6.2)" (2012)
[first lines]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: And the next wedding present is... a gravy boat.
Penny: [writing it down] Ooh, one gravy boat.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's from Sheldon. He told me he had it engraved.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Reads engraving] "In case of divorce, please return to Sheldon Cooper."
Penny: One inappropriate yet I-wish-I-thought-of-that gravy boat.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, I had to take Sheldon to the dentist this morning.
Penny: Really.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yup. I told him if he didn't bite the hygienist, I'd take him for ice cream.
Penny: Mm.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't have to take him for ice cream.

Penny: I've been in love before, but it felt different. Maybe this is a new, better, boring kind of love. Do you ever feel that way about Howard?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's not really a fair comparison. I'm basically married to a sexy Buzz Lightyear.
Penny: Amy, you?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can't help you, kid. Whenever I'm around Sheldon, I feel like my loins are on fire. In the good way, not the urinary tract infection way.

Penny: What are you doing in my bedroom?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, I knocked on the front door, but you didn't hear it.
Penny: How did you even get in, you weirdo?
Sheldon Cooper: Really? I've seen strange men traipsing in and out of here for years, but when I do it it's weird?

Sheldon Cooper: Penny.
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Please don't hurt my friend.
Penny: That is the last thing I want to do.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Boyfriend Complexity (#4.9)" (2010)
Penny: I kinda told my father we got back together again.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? Why?
Penny: Well, you're the first guy he's ever really approved of, you know, you're a scientist who went to college, and you don't have a neck tattoo or outstanding warrants or - or a baby.
Leonard Hofstadter: What kind of guys did you used to go out with?
Penny: Just guys. Anyway, when I told him we split up, he was heart-broken, and he kept bugging me: "How's Leonard?", "Why can't you get back together with Leonard?", "I bet Leonard never tipped a cow over on himself."

[Penny's father, Wyatt, sees Leonard kissing her]
Penny: C'mon, Honey, not in front of my dad!
Wyatt: Relax, I've seen you do a lot worse with a lot stupider.

Penny: Do you know what I've been doing for the last hour?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?
Penny: Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: You gotta admit, I am, I'm delightful.
Penny: Why are you making this so difficult?
Leonard Hofstadter: [smirking] It's not difficult for me. I'm having fun.
Penny: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you want me to do? You started this. You wanna go over and tell him we're broken up?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, then, what do you want?
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you think that's something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?
Penny: [pauses] Maybe.

Penny: I'd like to go over some proposed changes to the roommate agreement, specifically to address Penny's annoying personal habits.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, my God! What personal habits?
Penny: I have a list. FYI, overuse of the phrase "Oh my God" is number twelve.

Penny: Sheldon, you don't have to do this, because Leonard and I are not...
Leonard Hofstadter: Bu-bu-bu-bu, are you sure you want to include him in this?
Sheldon Cooper: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I'll have no truck with plots.
Penny: [to Leonard] No, you're right.
[to Sheldon]
Penny: No, there's, there's no plot, no trucks, no... feet.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Santa Simulation (#6.11)" (2012)
Penny: Hey guys. I don't mean to interrupt your little game, but I thought you'd like to see what you're missing out on. So, Bernadette.
[Bernadette sashay's into the room]
Penny: Bernadette's wearing leopard print pumps and a raptastic red dress from Forever 21.
[Bernadette exits and Amy strides in]
Penny: And there's Amy, showing all kinds of ankle. In an outfit I'm assuming is from Forever 63.
[Penny removes her coat]
Penny: And I myself am wearing a little number that got me out of two speeding tickets and jury duty.
Sheldon Cooper: I know they're making a rhetorical point; I just don't know what it is.

[the girls are proposing they find a girl for Raj]
Raj Koothrappali: A couple of things: Don't tell them I come from money; I want them to love me for me. They must be *insanely* hot, like nines or tens.
Penny: Nines or tens?
Raj Koothrappali: OK, an eight is acceptable if she's willing to bring another eight to the hottub.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Bottom line, you'll take any woman who'll have you, right?
Raj Koothrappali: In a New Delhi minute.

[first lines]
Penny: [reading directions] OK now, holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
Leonard Hofstadter: I consider I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
Penny: You're so butch.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I got a little paper cut.
Penny: Of course you did; your hands are softer than veal.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, uh, before I forget: Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really! That's how you're going to spend your Saturday night?
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play any more.
Penny: Oh you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard Hofstadter: A little bit, yeah.

Amy Farrah Fowler: So at, uh, some point, you probably had a thing for me, too.
Raj Koothrappali: No, not really.
Penny: Oh, come on, Raj, not even a little bit?
Raj Koothrappali: Not that I can think of.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Think harder.
Raj Koothrappali: Nope. I guess the heart wants what the heart wants. Or in this case, doesn't, I mean, at all. What?

Penny: See you, boys, we're going drinking.
Raj Koothrappali: Wait, can I come with you? My character died.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe another time.
[Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave]
Leonard Hofstadter: [continuing the game] Okay.
Penny: [sticking her head back into the apartment] Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: [leaping off the couch] Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!
[the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj]
Stuart: How does he not hear that?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Resurgence (#6.22)" (2013)
Professor Proton: Oh oh.
Penny: Arthur, are you OK?
Professor Proton: I'm having a... problem with my pacemaker.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll, I'll call for help.
Penny: Any chance we could plug it into the potato?
Professor Proton: ...No.

Sheldon Cooper: Professor Proton hosted my favorite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. Uh, he demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was pretty cool.
Penny: Aw, it's so cute when you use the word 'cool' wrong. Like when kids say 'pasketti'.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here, and you're happy with those you press this button.
Penny: Got it.
[the toy missile launcher swivels]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found on li-
[he is hit in the head by a toy missile]
Sheldon Cooper: H-Hey!
Leonard Hofstadter: Nice shot.
Penny: Uh, his giant head did most of the work.
Sheldon Cooper: Very mature! You're lucky I'm out of silly string.

Penny: So do you do a lot of these kind of appearances?
Professor Proton: I'm not sure. I'm still trying to figure out what... what this is.

Sheldon Cooper: Do potato clock! Potato clock!
Penny: What's potato clock?
Professor Proton: I run a clock with a potato.
Penny: Shut up! You can do that? I mean, wouldn't that solve the world's energy crisis?
Professor Proton: No.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Pancake Batter Anomaly (#1.11)" (2008)
Penny: You are a grown man. Haven't you ever been sick before?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. But not by myself.
Penny: Really? Never?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, once, when I was fifteen and spending the summer at the Heidelberg Institute in Germany.
Penny: Studying abroad?
Sheldon Cooper: No, visiting professor. Anyway, the local cuisine was a little more sausage-based than I'm used to, and the result was an internal blitzkrieg, with my lower intestine playing the part of Czechoslovakia.

Leonard: How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota.
Penny: Guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon Cooper: From the data at hand, you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.

[Sheldon, obviously sick, orders soup in the restaurant where Penny is working]
Penny: Why didn't you just have soup at home?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I have an IQ of 187. Don't you imagine that if there were a way for me to have had soup at home, I would have thought of it?
Penny: You can have soup delivered.
Sheldon Cooper: I did not think of that.

Sheldon Cooper: Can you sing "Soft Kitty".
Penny: What?
Sheldon Cooper: My mom used to sing it to me when I was sick.
Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know it.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll teach you. "Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur, happy kitty, sleepy kitty, purr purr purr." Now you.
Penny: Soft kitty, warm kitty...
Sheldon Cooper: Little ball of fur. Keep rubbing.
Penny: [angry] Little ball of fur.

Cheryl: Homeless crazy guy at table 18.
[Sheldon, in heavy clothing, blows his nose loudly]
Penny: No, just crazy.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem (#2.6)" (2008)
[repeated line]
Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!

Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask - what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls...? Guys...? Sock puppets...?
Leonard Hofstadter: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard Wolowitz: Not Sheldon. Over the years, we've formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard Wolowitz: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard Hofstadter: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species. Someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

Penny: You probably don't want to go in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? What are they doing?
Penny: You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls.

Ramona Nowitzki: I know what's going on here.
Penny: Really? Well, then will you explain it to me?
Ramona Nowitzki: You're in love with Dr. Cooper.
Penny: Uh, yeah, no, that's not it.
Ramona Nowitzki: Don't try to deny it. He's a remarkable man, but you have to let him go!
Penny: Oh, gee, okay.
Ramona Nowitzki: I know it's hard, but he's a gift to the whole world and we can't be selfish!
Penny: Yeah, he's a gift, alright.
Ramona Nowitzki: [smiles and offers pinky swear to Penny] Sisters?
Penny: Sure, sisters.
[accepts pinky swear and Ramona exits into Sheldon's apartment]
Penny: Holy crap on a cracker!

Penny: Oh, hey, hi.
Ramona Nowitzki: [running down the stairs] Oh, bite me!
Penny: [extends pinky] Sisters?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Zarnecki Incursion (#4.19)" (2011)
Penny: Want some coffee liqueur on your ice cream?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Aah, here's the alcohol and drug peer pressure mother warned me about. I was starting to think it was never going to happen.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, please.

Penny: Give my friend his stuff back.
Todd Zarnecki: I don't know what you're talking about.
Penny: Well then good news. Today is the day a girl is finally gonna touch you in your little special place.
[Penny kicks his groin]
Penny: Now give him his stuff back.
Todd Zarnecki: [In deep pain] Ok.
Sheldon Cooper: [shouting] WE DID IT!
[Penny looks at him]
Sheldon Cooper: I said *WE*.

Penny: [after Sheldon's game account got hacked] Sorry, Sheldon. I know that game meant a lot to you.
Sheldon: That game! Excuse me, Penny, but Doodle Jump is a game. Angry Birds is a game. World of Warcraft is a massively multi-player online role-playing... Alright, technically it's a game.

[last lines]
Penny: All right. Well, great seeing you.
Priya Koothrappali: Yeah, you too.
[Priya goes into Leonard's apartment]
Penny: Amy's right; I do want to fling my poop at her.

Priya Koothrappali: [Priya meets Penny as Penny leaves Leonard's apartment] Oh, hello.
Penny: Oh, hi. I was just dropping off a cheesecake to Sheldon. He was robbed of a bunch of imaginary crap that's useful in an make-believe place.
Priya Koothrappali: I don't know what that means.
Penny: Yeah, well, sadly, I do.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Opening Night Excitation (#9.11)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: [Knock. Knock] Penny?
[Knock. Knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
[Knock. Knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Quietly to Penny] What happens if *I* say "Come in?"
Penny Hofstadter: Huh? Find out.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Loudly] Come in.
Sheldon Cooper: [Long pause. Knock. Knock] Bernadette?
[Knock. Knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette?
[Knock. Knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette?
Penny Hofstadter: [Loudly] Come in.
Sheldon Cooper: Keep it up. I got nowhere to be.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Come in.

Penny Hofstadter: Okay. Well, what's the third option?
Sheldon Cooper: That I have coitus with her.

Penny Hofstadter: Let's recap our options. We've got the harp thing, the sheep thing...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: The wild thang...

Bernadette Rostenkowski: So where do you want to go?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I heard that new Mexican place on Green Street is good.
Penny Hofstadter: Sure. Sure. Or we could take you to get a bikini wax.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Combustion (#8.23)" (2015)
Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. Sometime tomorrow morning.
Penny: Don't you want to know for sure?
Leonard Hofstadter: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I'll feel a disturbance in the Force.

Penny: You know, your mom's never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.
Penny: Really? It didn't work for you.

Mary Cooper: When your mom gets back, I'm gonna need to apologize for the way I spoke to her.
Penny: Well, come on, she did kinda start it.
Mary Cooper: Doesn't matter. A good Christian would have turned the other cheek. On the other hand, a good Texan would have shot her, so I'll just split the difference.

Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Come to Mommy.
Penny: It's okay. Go ahead.
[Beverly hugs Leonard awkwardly]
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, my son.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my mother.
Penny: Oh, my God.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Extract Obliteration (#6.6)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Penny] You guys have got to be the weirdest couple I know.
Penny: Really? You can't think of anyone weirder?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [referring to Bernadette] I can,
Amy Farrah Fowler: but she's sitting right there.

Penny: You just assumed my paper would be bad, so you wrote one for me?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I assumed it was good, then I read it.
Penny: What!
Leonard Hofstadter: No... I mean, it was good; there was just a few things that needed a little polishing.
Penny: wha- you changed every word!
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not true, uh, uh. Slavery. Sixteen-nineteen. Your name on the top, that's all you.

Penny: Now, behave yourself and eat your dinner, and maybe later, if you're lucky, you get to sleep with a college girl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Cause I went through four years of college and five years of grad school, that never happened once.

Penny: [Leonard brings her breakfast in bed] Leonard, it's 8 a.m. That's like the middle of the night!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Contractual Obligation Implementation (#6.18)" (2013)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why don't you take her to Disneyland? You go on Space Mountain; you're in the dark; she's holding on to you...
Penny: Yeah, but you've just have to remember that ride is shorter than you think and they take a picture of you at the end, so make sure you got all your clothes back on.
[Amy & Bernadette stare at her]
Penny: It's a *joke*! Based on real events.

Penny: You brought fancy wine and made fondu; I've slept with guys for less.
[Amy, Bernadette and Raj stare at her]
Penny: It's a joke! Based on real events.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Enters] Hey, so how was... Huh?
Penny: [Dressed as Sleeping Beauty] I can explain. I played hooky with the girls and we went to Disneyland and got... What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: [Undressing] I'm listening, keep going.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I haven't been to Disneyland since I was a kid; we should definitely go one weekend.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Weekends are too crowded.
Penny: So blow off work. Go on a weekday.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Hookey? I've never played hookey in my life. My mom said that's how girls end up addicted to reefer and jazz music.
Penny: More like how girls end up at a Best Western hotel with a thirty-four-year-old guy named Luther.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Joke?
Penny: I can laugh about it now.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Raiders Minimization (#7.4)" (2013)
Penny: I thought you went to the comic book store on Wednesdays.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah, but Sheldon and Amy were having date night, and they don't need me there to make it awkward. They have each other for that.

Leonard Hofstadter: So how was school?
Penny: Oh, good. Check it out: 'The Disappointing Child' by Beverly Hofstadter.
Leonard Hofstadter: You bought my mom's book?
Penny: Yeah. It's on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aaaw, come on, not that book! I-i-it's got every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny: Oh, cool! Are there pictures?
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously, please find another book.
Penny: Oh, c'mon, why? How bad could it be?
Leonard Hofstadter: There's chapters about the potty-training... bed-wetting... masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me she wrote about it! Y'know what, do whatever you want. Just don't talk to me about it.
Penny: Not even the chapter on the breast-feeding crisis?
Leonard Hofstadter: It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one; she got a little lop-sided.
Penny: Oh my God! You still go left!

Penny: Why are you so angry?
Leonard Hofstadter: Gee, I don't know; maybe it's because I was always the subject of her little experiments. Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter egg hunt with no eggs to see how long I'd keep looking?
[Penny shakes her head]
Leonard Hofstadter: The answer, by the way, June!
Penny: Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
Leonard Hofstadter: I do too, but there's not.
Penny: Really? Are you sure about that?
[she hugs him and kisses his neck]

Leonard Hofstadter: [entering Penny's apartment] Hey I was just... what is happening?
Penny: [Penny dressed in a nightie] Oh, just a little treat. I know you've been feeling really bad about your Mom lately.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, oh, I have. So bad.
Penny: And I wanted to make you to feel better. So I planned something very special for you.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can already feel it working.
[he starts to drop his pants]
Beverly Hofstadter: [Penny turns her laptop around and there is Beverly Hofstadter] Hello, Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: [he hurriedly puts his pants back on] Mom?
Beverly Hofstadter: I understand you have been whining about my parenting in order to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.
Leonard Hofstadter: I, uhhh.
Penny: Bernadette told me everything. Now you don't get the left or the right.
[referring to the running joke about his preference for the left in breast-feeding as a child]
Beverly Hofstadter: [Penny leaves the room] Let's discuss why you continue to involve me in your sex life.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh please, mommy. No, mommyyyyy.
Beverly Hofstadter: When you were six years old you walked in on me and your father naked. I was swatting his bottom with your brand new ping pong paddle.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't dream that?
Beverly Hofstadter: How did that make you feel?
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, come back! I'm sad for real now.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Ornithophobia Diffusion (#5.9)" (2011)
Penny: So what are you and professor Fussy Face up to tonight?
Leonard Hofstadter: Star Wars on Blu-Ray.
Penny: Haven't you seen that movie like a thousand times?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not on Blu-Ray.
Leonard Hofstadter: Only twice on Blu-Ray.

Penny: It's not a date, Leonard. It's just a man and a woman hanging out, not having sex at the end of the night.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds like most of my dates.

Penny: I want to know what you told her.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's kind of between me and...
[looks over at Laura]
Laura: Laura.
Leonard Hofstadter: Laura.
Penny: Oh. Okay, I see. So while he was telling you things, did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms?
Laura: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Wears them. Not just for Halloween.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, pal. You didn't see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars were only fought in winter.
Penny: Okay. Then I'll return the favor, and I won't tell...
[looks over at Laura]
Laura: Laura.
Penny: Laura... that half the dirty movies you own are animated.
Leonard Hofstadter: When you were telling Kevin about your acting career, did you mention your long-running role as "Waitress" in a local production of "The Cheesecake Factory"?
Penny: Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah? Spell asthma.
Penny: A... s...
Penny: Take me home.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe I'm not done hanging out with...
[looks over the table and notices that Laura is gone]
Leonard Hofstadter: You're right. It's getting late.

Penny: Oh, hey. If we hurry, we can make the new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah, sure. There's also an amazing documentary about building a dam on a river in South America.
Penny: OK, but the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston, and she's not building a dam.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can't argue with that. I'll get the tickets.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Closet Reconfiguration (#6.19)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, what's that?
Sheldon Cooper: It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon Cooper: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sit down, honey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're up.
Raj Koothrappali: It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
Howard Wolowitz: That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Told you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.

Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon Cooper: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard Wolowitz: Hm.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.
[Howard gets up and walks away]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You okay?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. I'm terrific.
Sheldon Cooper: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard Wolowitz: Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, one of them is.
Howard Wolowitz: That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.

Amy Farrah Fowler: We need something from you.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear. Momma told me this could happen to a young man in the big city.
Penny: We need some information from you.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I've got that in spades. Ravage me away.

Raj Koothrappali: Nice to see everyone dressed up.
Penny: Well, this party is delightful.
Raj Koothrappali: As is the company.
Sheldon Cooper: This shirt is itchy and I wish I was dead.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Workplace Proximity (#7.5)" (2013)
[first lines]
Penny: Awkward silence, Sheldon on his phone, no touching, somebody's having date night.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's actually steamier than it looks; Sheldon's looking up the phallic symbolism of root vegetables in Renaissance paintings.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, I got bored with that; I'm just browsing cuticle scissors on Amazon.
Penny: How do you not tear off his clothes and take him right here on this table?
Sheldon Cooper: If you do that, I'll scream.

Penny: Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: But you didn't even hear the details.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I've known you a long time, and I'm going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster: Amy's right, you're wrong.
Sheldon Cooper: But you don't even know...
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, yeah, but in my defense...
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not listening to my side of it.
Penny: OK, fine, Sheldon, what is your side?
Sheldon Cooper: [sighs] Well...
Penny: No, gotta go with Amy on this one.

Penny: That's right. My phone is just as smart as you guys!

Penny: Awkward silence. Sheldon on his phone. No touching. Somebody's having date night.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Higgs Boson Observation (#6.3)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: [about his toilet training journal] There's a chart in the back describing shape, color and consistency.
Penny: Disgusting!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, what's disgusting is that he's still keeping track.

Penny: Maybe I can do it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, really? You think you can evaluate my work?
Penny: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: Here. I wrote this when I was five.
Penny: "A Proof That Algebraic Topology Can Never Have a Non-Self Contradictory Set of Albelion Groups." I'm just a blonde monkey to you, aren't I?
Sheldon Cooper: You said it, not me.

Penny: This is an eyelash curler. You put it on your eyelashes and squeeze close.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know. This looks like something used by Tinklebell's gynecologist.
Penny: Well, I hope for her sake it's not Captain Hook.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Shows Penny a picture of Sheldon in her phone] Look at this face. How can any woman spend eight alone with this face and not fall in love with it?
Penny: Well, for starters, eventually that face starts talking.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Luminous Fish Effect (#1.4)" (2007)
Penny: Oh, my God, this is the best cobbler I've ever had.
Mary: It was always Sheldon's favorite. You know what the secret ingredient is?
Penny: Love?
Mary: Lard.

Penny: How come you didn't go into work today?
Sheldon: I'm taking a sabbatical, because I won't kowtow to mediocre minds.
Penny: So you got canned, huh?
Sheldon: Theoretical physicists do not get canned... but, yeah.

Penny: When one door closes another one opens.
Sheldon: No it doesn't. Not unless the two doors are connected by relays or there are motion sensors involved.

Sheldon: The thing about tomatoes - and I think you'll really enjoy this - is they're shelved with the vegetables, but they're technically a fruit.
Penny: Mm, interesting.
Sheldon: Isn't it?
Penny: No, I mean what you find enjoyable.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Holographic Excitation (#6.5)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, there's a foundational idea in string theory that the whole universe may be a hologram.
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, the holographic principle suggests that what we all experience every day in three dimensions may really just be information on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos. So it's possible that our lives are really just acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.
Penny: Huh.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Sometimes I forget how smart you are.
[kisses Leonard]
Leonard Hofstadter: You should visit more often.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Ladies night at the Cheesecake Factory. Does it get any better than this?
Penny: I hope so.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [to Bernadette] Do you think your husband's fondness for turtlenecks because he misses his foreskin?
Penny: Not getting any better.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Let me guess. Slutty cop?
Penny: No, sexy cop. Slutty cop only came with the skirt and two badges.

Penny: [for Halloween, Leonard is dressed as Albert Einstein and Penny as a 'sexy cop'] I told you in the car, no accent.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, officer.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Discovery Dissipation (#7.10)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, I'm not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.
Leonard Hofstadter: Course you're not. People love trained monkeys.
Penny: How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous. Oh my God. I'm jealous of Sheldon.

Penny: [to Raj's dog] Bark once if you need me to call PETA.

[last lines]
Penny: You know if we did a shot every time they said something embarrassing, this would be one hell of a drinking game.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Little early for alcohol, isn't it?
Sheldon Cooper: [On the radio] You know, I don't just say smart things about science, I also yodel.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'll get the vodka.

Sheldon Cooper: But none of you know what this is like. Being celebrated for something you wish you never did.
Penny: You clearly haven't been with me at Mardi Gras.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Good Guy Fluctuation (#5.7)" (2011)
[Leonard is getting advice from Penny about whether he should sleep with a local woman while his girlfriend is living in India]
Leonard Hofstadter: Here's the thing: I-I-I'm not one of those guys who sneaks around and sleeps with more than one woman.
Penny: Good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Problem is, I want to be one of those guys.
Penny: So, sleep with the new girl and lie to Priya.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's not who I am.
Penny: Alright, then break it off with the new girl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, now let's not do anything rash. Sh-she's really hot...
Penny: If you like this girl so much, why don't you just end things with Priya?
Leonard Hofstadter: Priya and I are in love. I think we could get married some day.
Penny: Leonard, you're looking for a way to sleep with both women, and have everybody be happy about it.
Leonard Hofstadter: *Now* we're getting somewhere!

Penny: Did you tell her about Priya?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I was gonna, but I had too many tounges in my mouth.

Penny: What does your gut tell you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Go ask Penny, she'll know what to do.

Penny: Did you tell her about Priya?
Leonard Hofstadter: I was gonna but there were too many tongues in my mouth.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Monster Isolation (#6.17)" (2013)
[last lines]
Penny: [Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois] You love her very much, don't you?
Tom: Yes.
Penny: I think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand what that is.
Tom: To be lonely?
Leonard Hofstadter: She's pretty good, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: She is, but when do they get to the part about streetcars?
Penny: ...when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.
Sheldon Cooper: She's remarkable.
Leonard Hofstadter: She really is.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Our Penny's a star.
Sheldon Cooper: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?

Penny: Maybe this time you could work on your body language a bit. You know, when you're all hunched like that you're shutting the audience out, but when you're relaxed and open you're inviting them in.
Sheldon Cooper: Right. And which one do I want?

Sheldon Cooper: So, Penny, what sort of flag questions keep you awake at night?
Penny: Um, well, I'm from Nebraska. So what can you tell me about the state flag?
Sheldon Cooper: Gosh, Penny. What'd you have for breakfast, a big glass of good-question juice?

Penny: [Opens the door just as Sheldon approaches] Oh, hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: [Uneasy] Oh, hi.
Penny: Do you want me to close so you can do your door thingie?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I wasn't going to do it.
Penny: So, what's up?
Sheldon Cooper: I just wanted to thank you for helping me with Fun With Flags...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny. And I found your acting advice helpful...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny. So I guess the answer to the question "who did a good job" is you...
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: ... Penny.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bat Jar Conjecture (#1.13)" (2008)
Penny: [Raj whispers something to Howard] What did he say?
Howard Wolowitz: He compared Sheldon to a disposable feminine cleansing product one might use on a summer's eve.
Penny: Yeah, and the bag it came in.

Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it's polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.

Penny: Tweety bird tawt he taw a what?
Sheldon Cooper: Romulan.
Penny: [sarcastically] Yes, he tawt he taw a Romulan.

Penny: Good afternoon, and welcome to today's physics bowl practice round. I'm Penny, and I'll be your host, because apparently I didn't have anything else to do on a Saturday afternoon, and isn't that just a little sad? Gentlemen, are you ready?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Monopolar Expedition (#2.23)" (2009)
Penny: Have a safe trip. Goodbye.
[closing the door]
Penny: It means I wish you weren't going.

Penny: Sheldon says you're going to the North Pole.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
Penny: Yeah. I'm just a little surprised you didn't tell me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.
Penny: Oh, hey, no, you don't have to apologize. There's no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.

Penny: Oh, Leonard, what time is it?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's 7 a.m. I'm sorry it's early, but we're leaving soon, and I needed to talk to you.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard Hofstadter: What did you mean when you said you're going to miss me?
Penny: Um, I don't know. You'll be gone and I'll notice.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, well, um, what about this? What does this mean?
Penny: Wine, credit card and late night television are a bad combination.
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, fine. What about that really long hug? What did that mean?
Penny: That wasn't a long hug.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was at least five Mississippis. A standard hug is two Mississippis tops.
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you. It was just a hug.
Leonard Hofstadter: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: Okay, have a safe trip.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Okay, bye.
[Behind her door]
Penny: Means I wish you weren't going.

Penny: Well, I got you a little going away present.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a blanket.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, not just a blanket. See, it has sleeves. Yeah! So, you can, you know, be all snoodled up while you do your science stuff.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, wow, cool.
Penny: Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
[Long hug]
Penny: See you later.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Habitation Configuration (#6.7)" (2012)
Penny: What'll you have to drink?
Sheldon Cooper: Usually I have some chamomile tea, but I'm pretty upset. I don't think that's going to cut it.
Penny: How about a Long Island iced tea?
Sheldon Cooper: Will that do the charm?
Penny: It's charmed the pants off of me a couple of times.

Penny: You're from Texas. You're supposed to stand up and defend the honor of your woman folk.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, please. I think I've evolved beyond my simple, rustic upbringing. On the other hand, that low-down polecat done wronged my woman.
Penny: Welcome to Long Island, Tex.

Sheldon Cooper: I need to have a talk about women.
Penny: I always knew we would have this talk sooner or later. Are you finally getting fuzz in weird places?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm in the horns of a relationship dilemma. And for the record, I had a full pubis of hair since I was nineteen.
Penny: I see, and for the record...
[makes gagging sound]

Penny: Sorry this took so long, but you used to work here - you know how it is.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Kitchen slammed again?
Penny: No, I'm a terrible waitress, remember?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Lunar Excitation (#3.23)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: FYI, my noise-cancelling headphones proved ineffective last night.
Penny: Yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon Cooper: As a native Texan, I must say I've never heard the phrase 'yeeehaw' used in quite that context.
Penny: Oh God!
[she leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, God. That I've heard on multiple occasions.

Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won't blow up?
Leonard Hofstadter: The laser?
Zack: The moon!
Sheldon Cooper: See, now this is a man for Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's a great question, Zack!
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's not!
Penny: Sheldon, play nice.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, it's not a great question! How could someone possibly think we're going to blow up the moon? That's a great question.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Zack] Don't worry about the moon. We... , we set our laser to stun.

Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard!
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you drunk?
Penny: Zack was a perfectly nice guy and then you *ruined* him!
Leonard Hofstadter: How did I ruin him?
Penny: 'Cause in the olden days I never would have known he was so stupid.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, he wasn't that stupid.
Penny: Yes he *was*! He thought you were going to blow up the *moon*!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, yeah, he's stupid
Penny: He spent the entire night bragging about how *he* invented the word appeteezers!
Leonard Hofstadter: [still laughing] Well, how is that my fault?
Penny: You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots, now come with me.
[grabs Leonard's hand and starts pulling him behind her]
Leonard Hofstadter: W-where are we going?
Penny: [shouts] We're gonna have *SEX*!
Leonard Hofstadter: Wha- I mean oh, OK.
Sheldon Cooper: [comes out of his bedroom] What's going on?
Penny: Put on your noise cancelling headphones, this is gonna get *loud*.
Sheldon Cooper: Ach, not *this* again.
[goes back into his room]

Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was a perfectly happy, geeky, li'l lonely guy and you've ruined me.
Penny: Are you drunk?
Leonard Hofstadter: C'mon, we're going to have sex and it's not going to mean a thing.
[he enters her apartment but she shoves him back out]
Penny: Are you out of your mind!
[she slams the door]
Leonard Hofstadter: Really starting to think there's a double standard here.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Indecision Amalgamation (#7.19)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Quick poll! PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: PS4.
Sheldon Cooper: Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: They're both great.
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I like the Wii.
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, grandma.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. How you're audition go?
Penny: I killed it. I was able to cry real tears on the spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's great.
Penny: Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here comes the waterworks.
Sheldon Cooper: [Running away] Here comes the waterworks!
Leonard Hofstadter: Aren't you going to ask?
Penny: What? Is this my first day?

Penny: Sometimes I feel like I can control the killer gorilla instinct inside of me, but then I see these bananas and then I want to eat them and then kill people. What am I gonna do?
Leonard Hofstadter: For one thing, I wouldn't eat those bananas.

Raj Koothrappali: Penny, two of the brightest stars in the night sky are Altair and Vega. And it is said they were deeply in love, but forever separated by the celestial river of the Milky Way.
Penny: Oh, that's sad.
Raj Koothrappali: It is. But once a year on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies of the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for single night of passion.
[Penny sighs]
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, that's enough!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Loobenfeld Decay (#1.10)" (2008)
Penny: Do you have any idea what time it is?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I do. My watch is linked to the atomic clock in Boulder, Colorado. It's accurate to one-tenth of a second. But as I'm saying this, it occurs to me that once again your question may have been rhetorical.

Sheldon Cooper: Remember how Leonard told you we couldn't come to your performance because we were attending a symposium on molecular positronium?
Penny: I remember symposium.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, well, he lied.
Penny: Wait, what?
Sheldon Cooper: He lied, and I'm feeling very uncomfortable about it.
Penny: Well, imagine how I'm feeling.
Sheldon Cooper: Hungry? Tired? I'm sorry this really isn't my strong suit.

Leonard: Why don't you tell me about your showcase last night?
Penny: Oh, it was okay, I guess; wasn't a big turnout, but they both really seemed to like it.
Leonard: There were only two people there?
Penny: By the end... yeah.

[last lines]
Toby: [on couch with Penny] This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk or, or high, or, or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Penny: Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You're going to do OK.
Toby: One day at a time, Penny.
[puts his head on her shoulder]
Toby: One day at a time.
Leonard: [in kitchen, to Sheldon] How long is he going to stay here?
Sheldon Cooper: He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard; where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Skywalker Incursion (#8.19)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: [Opening lines] Leonard, I've been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.
Leonard Hofstadter: I like to laugh, but say it anyway.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. What do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley Physics Department? I'll have fries with that. Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.
Penny: You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Ooh, you just chose champions. It's like we're re-enacting the ancient German practice of trial by combat.
Penny: It's also like when the Mountain fought the Red Viper in Game of Thrones.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Leonard makes you watch that, too?
Penny: No, I like that show. It's got dragons and people doing it.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: All right, if you can switch champions, so can I. Raj, you're up!
Penny: No fair! I thought I was your champion!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, you don't even care!
Penny: Hey, I care... Wait, no I don't. Good luck, Raj.

Penny: Bernadette, for every episode of Doctor Who Leonard had made me sit through, I will play on your behalf and send that TARDIS back to Galliffrey, where I hate that I know it belongs.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Toast Derivation (#4.17)" (2011)
Penny: So, where do you guys want to go dancing?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We were hoping you'd know a place.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes, perhaps somewhere packed tightly with young beautiful bodies, sweating and writhing against each other in a glorious orgy of the flesh.
Penny: Oh yeah, I know that place.

Penny: Let's go through this one more time. Just because Leonard has a new girlfriend does not mean I need to go out and hook up with some guy.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: But you could if you wanted to, right?
Penny: Well yeah, I guess.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Pick out the hottest guy in the room, take him home, do unspeakable things to him, then kick him to the curb with a smile on his face and teeth marks on his heinie?

Amy Farrah Fowler: You know, if being on your own is new to you, I'd be happy to share some tension-relieving techniques for ladies that I've perfected over the years. For example, do you have an electric toothbrush?
Penny: Uh, no.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You should get one.

Penny: Let's go find me a heinie to bite.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Outstanding. And if we fail, we can always stop at CVS and pick you out a nice toothbrush. I call mine Gerard.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Wheaton Recurrence (#3.19)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, reminder. Bowling, tonight at seven o'clock.
Penny: Oh, right. Bowling.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, you don't have to come if you don't want to.
Penny: No, no, it's okay. I mean, let's face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
Sheldon Cooper: We would indeed. In this particular case your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Penny: Always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Penny: Thinly-veiled contempt.
Sheldon Cooper: Remember: seven o'clock!
Penny: Got it!
Sheldon Cooper: Pacific Daylight Time.
Penny: Bite me!

Sheldon Cooper: This is for you.
Penny: Ice cream?
Sheldon Cooper: I've been familiarizing myself with female emotional crises by studying the comic strip Cathy. When she's upset, she says "Ack!" and eats ice cream.
Penny: Uuum... Ack!
Sheldon Cooper: If you were a cat, I would've brought you a lasagna.

[first lines]
Penny: Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, I'm good. If my P.E. teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Penny: Do or do not. There is no try.
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you just quote Star Wars?
Penny: I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my God. I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
[they kiss]
Leonard Hofstadter: I love you, Penny.
Penny: [pause] Oh. Oh. Thank you.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're welcome. I just wanted to put that out there.
Penny: Oh, yeah, no, I, I'm, I'm glad.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good. Good; glad is good.
Penny: Yeah. Ahem. No, no. Um. So, it's getting pretty late. We should probably go to sleep.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: Hmm.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, probably.
Penny: OK. Good night, sweetie.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good night.
[They kiss, then Penny rolls over and stares wide-eyed]

Penny: Leonard, stop pressuring me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not pressuring you.
Penny: Yeah, you are! Just back off!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
Penny: I didn't mean shut up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.
Penny: No. That isn't fair to you, Leonard. I'm sorry.
[she heads for the door]
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I'll get you ice cream!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, let her go.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you insane? If she leaves, it's over!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm pretty sure it's already over.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Application Deterioration (#9.18)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: Hang on, what if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?

Sheldon Cooper: The revisions I made start on page four.
Penny Hofstadter: Wow, that is a lot of "whereupons".
Amy Farrah Fowler: You should see the Valentine's Day card he gave me.

Raj Koothrappali: [Raj has just refused to see Emily] That was rough, you guys.
Penny Hofstadter: I know, but you did it. I'm still proud of you.
Raj Koothrappali: Anyway, I'll leave you to your girls' night.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you sure you don't want to stay here with us?
Raj Koothrappali: No, I kind of feel like being alone right now.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well, if you change your mind, we'll be here.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you.
Penny Hofstadter: [as Raj leaves] Say hi to Emily for us.
Raj Koothrappali: Will do!

Penny Hofstadter: Sheldon, did you draw up the contract?
Sheldon Cooper: You bet I did.
Penny Hofstadter: [to Amy] Ooh. You're going to make out so hard tonight.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Prestidigitation Approximation (#4.18)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you familiar with Darwin's observation of the finches in the Galapagos Islands?
Penny: Did they make a movie about it?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Penny: Then, no.

Leonard Hofstadter: How about we still hang out, but on the down low?
Penny: Are you really that kind of guy?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I actually felt kind of silly just saying "on the down low."

Penny: Oh, for god's sake, Leonard, this is about Priya, isn't it? She doesn't want me hanging out with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. There, I said it.
Penny: Okay, look, I happen to like your girlfriend.
Leonard Hofstadter: And she likes you.
Penny: No, she doesn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really, no.
Penny: It doesn't matter. Look, I promise from now on I will keep my distance from you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now, hold on. What kind of distance are we talking about? Because we are neighbours. I mean, I can hear the toilet flush in your apartment.
Penny: You can hear my toilet flush?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't listen for it, but it's nice to know everything's okay with your plumbing. The building's plumbing.
Penny: Leonard, I get it. You're in a new relationship now. And I'm happy for you. So why don't we just shake hands and part friends?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now hold on, how about this? How about we still hang out, but on the down-low?
Penny: Are you really that kind of guy?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I actually felt kinda silly just saying on the down-low.
Penny: [sadly] Goodbye Leonard.

Penny: I think I know how you did the card trick.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. If I don't know, you don't know; that's axiomatic.
Penny: Come here.
[Penny whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: You're right.
Penny: [seeing Sheldon's indignation] Not too bad for someone who doesn't know what "axiomatic" means.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Celebration Experimentation (#9.17)" (2016)
[first lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [as they walk down the stairs] So, Sheldon, there's something I've been wanting to talk about, but I know it's kind of a touchy subject.
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to narrow it down to everything.
Sheldon Cooper: What is it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, your birthday's coming up, and you've never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I suppose that's a discussion we could have.
[he runs back upstairs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK, great. I mean, it doesn't have to be a big party or anything. I just...
[she notices he isn't there]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where'd he go?
Penny Hofstadter: Whoa, wait a minute; you mention his birthday and he vanishes?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, where's that information been this whole time?

Penny Hofstadter: You know if you had a party now you have plenty of friends who would love to come.
Leonard Hofstadter: And we live here so we have no choice.
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah.

Penny Hofstadter: You just want to just bring a few people in here? You know, Wil Wheaton in the bathtub, Batman on the toilet. It'll be like the weirdest ComiCon ever.

Penny Hofstadter: You know, I hate that your sister and her friends used to torture you. But what I hate even more is if I was there I... would have tortured you too.
Sheldon Cooper: Based on this pep talk I'd say you're still doing it.
Penny Hofstadter: My point is... there is a time I never would have been friends with someone like you, and now... you are one of my favorite people, so... if what you need is to spend your birthday in a bathroom, I'm happy to do it with you.
Sheldon Cooper: But everyone will think I'm weird.
Penny Hofstadter: Sweetie, you *are* weird. Everyone knows you're weird, but they're all still here because they care about you so much.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Deception Verification (#7.2)" (2013)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: And here's another interesting weather fact.
Penny: Another? Great!
Sheldon Cooper: Changes in jet-streams can affect the speed at which the earth rotates on its axis, so bad weather can actually make the day longer.
Penny: Well, there must be a hell of a storm somewhere!
Sheldon Cooper: Joke if you must, but you're going to miss these moments. With Leonard home in a few days, this was your last time driving me to the grocery store.
Penny: You know, I will miss this.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you what. If my apples are mealy, we'll hit the produce section for one last crazy blowout. You can even push the cart. Please don't take my looking forward to Leonard's return as criticism of the job you've been doing in his absence.
Penny: I won't.
Sheldon Cooper: That criticism will come later in your report card.
Penny: Yeah! I didn't stay for the detention; I'm not going to read the report card.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.
Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon Cooper: Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
[he hands her a coupon]
Penny: [reads] "Fifty cents off Vagisil."
Sheldon Cooper: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj Koothrappali: Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon Cooper, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Howard Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
Penny: Me too
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Sheldon Cooper: And no-one told me?
Howard Wolowitz: [starting to weep] Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: Ahem!
[hands Howard the coupon]
Penny: Think of Sheldon when you apply it.

Sheldon Cooper: That's odd. There are two glasses of wine on the table.
Penny: Oh, they're both mine. I have two hands and a drinking problem.
Sheldon Cooper: That's odd. There are take-out food containers in the trash.
Penny: That's my dinner from last night.
Sheldon Cooper: What's odd is that they're in the trash.

Sheldon Cooper: Hey, Amy.
Penny: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: You don't get a hey. You get a hmm.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotive Manipulation (#7.15)" (2014)
Penny: Happy Valentines Day!
Leonard Hofstadter: Flowers and chocolates? You trying to get me out of my panties?
Penny: Don't be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. Came that way when I bought it.
Leonard Hofstadter: I got you a little something too.
[Gives Penny a jewelry box]
Penny: Oh my. Jewelry.
[Opens box]
Penny: Oh, my God. Lakers' tickets!
Leonard Hofstadter: It gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.
Penny: Aww! You are the best boyfriend ever!
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, seriously, please don't make me go.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You sure you guys don't want to come with us to Napa. You can probably still get a room.
Penny: No. I think we'll just have a quiet weekend at home.
Leonard Hofstadter: Of course I'm not sure it's a great idea to take Penny where wine comes from. What? It's a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses and you might have a problem. It's all for laughs.
Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn't have a buzz going on.

Raj Koothrappali: Oh and I'd like for at least one of us to see some action so if you guys happen to have sex it's cool if she stays in the room.
Penny: The same goes with the two of you with Amy.
[Amy smiles]

Penny: Should we take this little party to the bedroom?
Leonard Hofstadter: We don't have to. We have the whole place to ourselves.
Penny: Oh that's true.
Leonard Hofstadter: In fact, if you want we can do it right here on Sheldon's spot.
Penny: That is the least sexy thing anyone's ever said to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: To the bedroom!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Killer Robot Instability (#2.12)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still...
[mimes sizzle]
Howard Wolowitz: ... hot.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm begging you, stop.
Penny: Normally, I can just ignore you. I get it. You're a little peculiar, like Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you are the one who is peculiar.
Penny: You may be right. But back to you. I know you think you're just some kind of smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you're just pathetic and creepy.
Howard Wolowitz: So, what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying that it is not a compliment to call me doable. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say "Ooh, that must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that." And we are not dancing a tango, we are not to-ing and fro-ing, othing's going to happen between us! Ever!
Howard Wolowitz: Wait a minute. We're not flirting, you're serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you? No woman is ever going to flirt with you! You're just going to grow old and die alone!

Leonard Hofstadter: Don't take this as a criticism, but you do kind of have that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on?
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, like most of the time you're the easygoing Bruce Banner, but then when you get angry, you kind of turn into like, you know... Grrr!
Penny: I turn into a bear?
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner? You didnt get The Incredible Hulk from that?

Penny: Your mom seems nice.
Howard Wolowitz: People move away from her on the bus.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: So, what do you think, Howard? I-it's not that bad, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Ah, nah, a little electrical tape, some solder... Are you insane! I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. Monte's gone. We'll bury him in the morning. A-a simple ceremony, I'll speak. Leonard, you'll play your cello.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot.
Sheldon Cooper: Just a toy robot...
[he runs to his room]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: I know; I got it.
[she goes to Sheldon's room]
Penny: Sheldon! I'm sorry!
Howard Wolowitz: Well,
[pointing to his bandaged nose]
Howard Wolowitz: don't get the wrong idea. The way I see it I'm halfway to pity sex.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Leftover Thermalization (#8.18)" (2015)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Sheldon and Leonard are arguing during dinner] Hey! Sheldon, Leonard, living room right now!
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon and Leonard follow her] She said my name first, that must kill you.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [yelling from off screen, sounding eerily familiar to everyone] I don't know what you think you're doing, but this is a very difficult time for my husband! We're eating the last food his mother ever made and you are gonna throw it at each other like children? Whatever it is you're fighting about, put it aside, go back in there and be a good friend to Howard or there's no dessert for either of you! Look at me when I'm talking to you! And don't think...
Howard Wolowitz: [Bernadette keeps yelling] Do you guys ever notice sometimes Bernadette sounds like my mom?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't hear it.
Raj Koothrappali: No, not at all.
Stuart Bloom: Nah.
Penny: Not really.

Penny: [Leonard and Sheldon are arguing during dinner] Guys, if I wanted to hear people be bitchy I'd go to my real salon!

Penny: I don't think I've eaten that much in my entire life.
Howard Wolowitz: That's why my people wandered the desert for forty years. Took that long to walk it off.

Penny: Who even reads Scientific American?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's kind of a big deal.
Penny: If it's such a big deal, how come the biggest celebrity they could get for the cover is a molecule?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Table Polarization (#7.16)" (2014)
Penny: Sheldon's not here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well he is here.
[Points to his head]
Leonard Hofstadter: So unless you want to dig him out with a bone saw and a melon baller there's nothing I can do about it.

Penny: Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was at an audition.
Howard Wolowitz: Ahh.
Sheldon Cooper: You'll get 'em next time.
Penny: How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry. How did it go?
Penny: Shut up.

Sheldon Cooper: OK. I think we found the problem here. It's not the table at all. It's you.
Penny: Me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well. It's always me. Take one for the team.
Sheldon Cooper: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will and then you came along and reshaped him with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.
Penny: Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?
Leonard Hofstadter: "Fancy" sounds like a compliment.
Penny: OK, I have not tried to change Leonard. That is just happens in relationships. Look how much Amy has changed you.
Sheldon Cooper: That's not true.
Penny: Oh sweetie. When I first met you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you're holding holds, going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.
Leonard Hofstadter: She told you?
Penny: Of courses she told me. It's the most interesting thing that happened to her entire life.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. Without realizing I allowed that woman to alter my personality.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm. You didn't have a personality; you just had some shows you liked.
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, I've changed. Like the frog that's put in a pot of water that's heated so gradually he doesn't realize he's boiling to death.
Penny: Or you're the frog that's been kiss by the princess and turned into a prince.
Leonard Hofstadter: Or you're just a tall annoying frog.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon. Wait.
Sheldon Cooper: No. You've opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate open-minded person. And that stops now.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, we should call her.
Penny: Yeah. Amy. It's Penny. Hey. Just a little heads up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon's breaking up with you.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon doesn't like reclaimed wood.
Penny: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's afraid the original owners will come looking for it.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Tenure Turbulence (#6.20)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: Unbelievable! You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
Sheldon Cooper: You're here.
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me. I'm here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware or whatever his name is.
Sheldon Cooper: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all.
[to Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: And you. You said you weren't coming here either.
Raj Koothrappali: I have a thick accent. You don't know what I said.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'd like to know why Penny's here.
Penny: I'm here to support my man, just like you.
Sheldon Cooper: What are you going to do? Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do it!
[Penny slips off her coat and is wearing a short black dress with prominently displayed breasts. Raj stares at her]
Sheldon Cooper: What? Did she do it yet?
Amy Farrah Fowler: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's a fine how do you do. Don't just stand there, take your breasts out.
Howard Wolowitz: Ooooohh, meerkat fight.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity defying bosom's going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like how are they staying up like that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to hit 'em with both barrels.
Raj Koothrappali: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality and whatever Amy plans on doing.

Penny: So, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not going to schmooze anybody; I'm going to let my work speak for itself.
Penny: That's great. That shows a lot of integrity.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm a naive idiot, right?
Penny: Oh good, you heard me.

Penny: So, tenured means a job for life?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yup.
Penny: You can't get fired, even if you're bad at it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really.
Penny: Oh. Sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cornhusker Vortex (#3.6)" (2009)
Penny: Sheldon, come in.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you. I'd like to make a sandwich, but I'm out of bread.
Penny: There's some in the fridge.
Sheldon Cooper: You shouldn't keep your bread in the refrigerator. Staleness is caused by crystallization of the starch molecules, which occurs faster at cool temperatures.
Penny: On Earth, we say thank you.

Penny: I wouldn't mind if you wanted to go fly kites with Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'll watch the end of the game. Besides, there's three minutes left.
Penny: Until halftime.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is just half? We've been here for hours!
Penny: You're gonna be here for a couple more.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you're kidding me.
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: [getting up and leaving] Nice meeting all of you!

Leonard Hofstadter: Go! Go! Go! Go-Go-Go-Go! Yes! Are you people watching this? Is this amazing or what?
Penny: Sweetie, that's a highlight from the '98 championship game.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Viewing Party Combustion (#9.21)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: Uh-oh, somebody's still pouting.
Leonard Hofstadter: Leave me alone.
Penny Hofstadter: If it's because you lost a stick, I know where it went.

Penny Hofstadter: I don't always defend Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yes, you do; you know you have a weird brother-sister Elliott-E.T. relationship with him.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: [knock-knock-knock] Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I never got to ask my question about Batman.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive manbat and then fought crime disguised as Manbat, would he be Manbatmanbatman or simply Manbatmanbatbatman?
Penny Hofstadter: Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Manbat suit?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll be back.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Lizard-Spock Expansion (#2.8)" (2008)
Penny: [Trying to get Howard to admit he works on the Mars Rover project] No, I remember specifically, you started by asking if I was from Mars, because my ass was out of this world.

Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: if your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not, because in fact you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well that depends.
Leonard Hofstadter: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah...
Penny: Screw him - you're fine.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you sure?
Penny: Well... Have you slept with her yet?
[Leonard nods]
Penny: You dog! Good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, why did you ask?
Penny: I'm nosy!

Penny: Howard, your scooter's blocking my car.
[Sees Howard with an eyepatch]
Penny: Aw, did you get pinkeye again?
Howard Wolowitz: Step one, she notices the eye-patch. May I say, Penny, not a lot of women could look as *hot* as you do with such greasy hair.
[Penny pulls on the eyepatch and snaps it back]
Penny: Yeah, just move your stupid scooter before I pick it up and throw it in the dumpster.
Howard Wolowitz: Ow.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Rhinitis Revelation (#5.6)" (2011)
Penny: Oh, Mrs. Cooper, it smells so good.
Mary Cooper: You take notes, darling. The real way to get a man is with melted cheese and cream of mushroom soup; he'll die at 50, but his love will be true.

Mary Cooper: You think maybe the reason why you're having trouble finding a guy to settle down with is because you're letting 'em ride the roller coaster without buying the ticket?
Penny: Oh, they don't always get to ride the roller coaster. Sometimes they only get to "spin the teacups".

Penny: Now, I'm going out tonight; would it be crazy to ask you to look at the outfit I'm gonna wear?
Mary Cooper: Oh, not crazy at all, and don't beat yourself up. When I was your age you could have me for a car ride and a bottle of strawberry wine.
Sheldon Cooper: [to himself] That will not be in this week's email blast.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Sales Call Sublimation (#9.12)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: There's this doctor who refuses to see any sales reps. I'm trying to get in for months.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hm, did you try wearing the shirt I said was inappropriate for work?
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, the doctor's a woman. But... yes, because you never know.

Dr. Gallo: [about Leonard] Here is a man raised by an overbearing woman who completely dominated every aspect of his formative years. Do you think he's perpetrating that relationship by seeking out a partner like you?
Penny Hofstadter: You know, I used to wear tank tops a lot. That was a big selling point.

Leonard Hofstadter: What I'm hearing is that you feel that I sometimes take too long to express myself, and you wish I'd be more succinct.
Penny Hofstadter: You're only hearing that because I cannot roll my eyes any louder.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know. After we talked about my issues with my mother - nothing too deep, just how she ruined my life - I told her about you and your drug, she said she'd be happy to see you.
Penny Hofstadter: Really! You're the best husband ever.
[she hugs him]
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm. So you'll go to the Doctor Who convention with me next week?
Penny Hofstadter: I guess.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Classified Materials Turbulence (#2.22)" (2009)
Penny: He's very shy; how do I make him feel more comfortable around me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, first of all, don't underestimate the value of discomfort.
Penny: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure. That's why he works in a comic book store.

Penny: What the hell is that?
Howard Wolowitz: Meatloaf.
Leonard Hofstadter: What was it doing on the ceiling?
Howard Wolowitz: That's classified.

Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone with NASA] Yes, sir, I understand classified. We'll keep it all classified. No one has to know anything about this but you and me.
Penny: What's classified?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard's space toilet. I'll tell you later.
Howard Wolowitz: [hanging up and sitting down to eat] Well, they've deployed our solution; let's just all hope it works.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see why I have to worry. My career's not hanging in the balance.
[Sheldon smirks at Howard]
Sheldon Cooper: That was a joke. It's funny because it's true.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Plimpton Stimulation (#3.21)" (2010)
Penny: You're having a woman stay with you?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Why does that seem to flabbergast everybody?
Penny: Oh, no no no no no, I'm not flabbergasted. I'm... puzzled. Yeah, let's go with puzzled.

Penny: You know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now...
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
Penny: I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.
Sheldon Cooper: That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well.
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. It wasn't my fault.
Sheldon Cooper: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
Penny: You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, I can still drive you.
Penny: Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about the other morning.
Penny: You mean you and Doctor Slut-bunny?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I wanted to explain.
Penny: You don't owe me an explanation.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't?
Penny: No, you don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, you're not judging me?
Penny: Oh, I'm judging you nine ways to Sunday, but you don't owe me an explanation.
Leonard Hofstadter: Nevertheless, I'd like to get one on the record so you can understand why I did what I did.
Penny: I'm listening.
Leonard Hofstadter: [very long pause] She let me.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Wildebeest Implementation (#4.22)" (2011)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Did I tell you Priya invited me and Howard to have dinner with her and Leonard?
Penny: Oh, that's nice.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not. It's a strategic maneuver. Leonard's new girlfriend is testing Bernadette's loyalty to you and the group. That bitch is crafty.

Penny: Didn't you get enough of this cliquey crap in high school?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I wish. A clique requires friends. I didn't have any.
Penny: No?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I used to take my lunch down to the maintenance room and eat with the janitor. It was nice until his wife called me a puta and made me stop.

[about a pair of shoes]
Penny: Ooh, these are cute. Of course, if I buy them, I'll have to rent my womb out to a gay couple.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Vacation Solution (#5.16)" (2012)
Penny: I'm so glad you talked Howard out of having your wedding invitations in Klingon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Turn it over. I'm hoping my relatives think it's Hebrew.

Penny: [to Sheldon and Howard at the bar] What are you guys doing here?
Howard Wolowitz: We're grown men. We drink at bars.
Penny: No, and no.

Penny: [after Howard says he won't sign a pre-nup] Alright Howard Wolowitz, listen up. You sign anything she puts in front of you because you are the luckiest man alive. If you let her go there is no way you can find anyone else. Speaking on behalf of all women, it is not going to happen, we had a meeting.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Prom Equivalency (#8.8)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you for wearing flats.
Penny: Thank you for wearing heels.

Amy Farrah Fowler: [Picks up a red dress] And what is this?
Penny: That, believe it or not, was my prom dress.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You still have it? I thought it would be balled up in the corner of a barn somewhere.
Penny: What kind of teenager did you think I was?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Slutty.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Easy
Penny: The word is popular.

Leonard Hofstadter: Look at me. I'm dancing with the prettiest girl at the prom.
Penny: Want to send a photo to your chess club friends?
Leonard Hofstadter: I sent them a bikini shot of you a long time ago.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Platonic Permutation (#9.9)" (2015)
Penny Hofstadter: Wow, look at us. Our first Thanksgiving together as husband and wife.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. I feel so grown up.
Penny Hofstadter: Honey, you are grown up.
Leonard Hofstadter: How many adults do you know that have Mr. Spock oven mitts?

Penny Hofstadter: Who's my favorite Spice Girl?
Leonard Hofstadter: Baby.
Penny Hofstadter: Who's my favorite member of N*SYNC?
Leonard Hofstadter: Justin.
Penny Hofstadter: Who's my favorite Backstreet Boy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Nice try, it's N*SYNC forever.

Leonard Hofstadter: So how did it go with Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. It's comforting to know that Amy and I can still be friends.
Penny Hofstadter: That's good. I could never be friends with any of my exes.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I'm sure you and Leonard can pull it off.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Thespian Catalyst (#4.14)" (2011)
Penny: Mrs. Cooper? Hey, it's Penny. Yeah, I think I broke your son.
[hands Sheldon the phone]
Penny: Talk to your mother.
Sheldon Cooper: [sobbing] Mommy, I love you! Don't let Spock take me to the future!

Penny: Hey Leonard, is your Wi-Fi down? I can't get on.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Pennyisafreeloader". No spaces.

Penny: Cat On A Hot Tin Roof is an American classic.
Sheldon Cooper: So is the McRib sandwich. I don't care for that, either.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Grasshopper Experiment (#1.8)" (2007)
Penny: Sheldon, what are you going to have?
Sheldon: I'll have a Diet Coke.
Penny: Okay, can you please order a cocktail? I need to practice mixing drinks.
Sheldon: Fine. I'll have a virgin Cuba Libre.
Penny: That's, um, Rum and Coke without the Rum.
Sheldon: Yes.
Penny: So, Coke.
Sheldon: Yes... And would you make it Diet?
Penny: There's a can in the fridge.
Sheldon: A Cuba Libre traditionally comes in a tall glass with a lime wedge.
Penny: Then swim to Cuba.
Sheldon: Bartenders are supposed to have people skills.

[last lines]
Leonard: [Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar] I can't believe it! What got into him?
Penny: Oh, maybe a couple of virgin Cuba Libres that turned out to be kinda slutty.
Leonard: You didn't.
Penny: Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine.

Penny: I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon: O-kay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice instead; their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard: His mom's been saying that for years.

"The Big Bang Theory: The First Pitch Insufficiency (#8.3)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: He's practicing.
Penny: For what?
Howard Wolowitz: The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called?
Penny: What, you? Really?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, a lot of people who weren't available, but then me!

Leonard Hofstadter: A relationship is not something you can quantify.
Sheldon Cooper: Everything is quantifiable. This french fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly enough, a four.
Leonard Hofstadter: How ridiculous is he?
Penny: A hundred.

Raj Koothrappali: I like how they put a waterfall on centerfield. It really ties everything together.
Penny: Look at you talking sports.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Perspiration Implementation (#9.5)" (2015)
Penny Hofstadter: I think it's great you guys want to get more exercise, but do you really think sports is the right choice for you?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you saying? We're not coordinated enough to play sports?
Penny Hofstadter: Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.
Leonard Hofstadter: I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that's not a time to bust out the Scrabble dance, what's the point of having one?

Penny Hofstadter: Uh, have you read the online reviews for this place?
Stuart Bloom: Eh, the Internet's so negative. I try to avoid it.
Penny Hofstadter: All right. Well, Heather H. says, "The owner stared at me the whole time and didn't blink once." Kelly M. says, "The creepy guy who runs it asked me out, then called himself stupid before I could say no." Jessica K. says, "I told the weird owner that I liked his shirt. He took it off and gave it to me."
Stuart Bloom: See? Negative.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Stuart took that rejection like a pro.
Penny Hofstadter: Well, he knew he was on the breast cam.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't have much practice turning men down. It wasn't so much fun.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, you get used to it. Some guys you have to turn down over and over.
Penny Hofstadter: And sometimes we marry them anyway.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Spock Resonance (#9.7)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: When did we get a wall safe?
Sheldon Cooper: When there was no more room in the floor safe.
Leonard Hofstadter: When did we get a floor safe?
Sheldon Cooper: When we got the security camera!
Leonard Hofstadter: There's a security camera?
Sheldon Cooper: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh my God, we've done things on that couch.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, you don't have to tell me.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you hear about this study that found people that were cool and popular at thirteen had problems succeeding later in life?
Raj Koothrappali: Hm, I 'm doing OK and I was very popular at thirteen.
Penny Hofstadter: In school?
Raj Koothrappali: Oh no, at home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes... I wish I knew their names.
Penny Hofstadter: The study say what happens to the unpopular kids?
Leonard Hofstadter: You tell me; you woke up in bed with one.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you've spent some time in front of the camera. Any words of advice?
Penny Hofstadter: Yes, don't take your shirt off just because the director said so.
Sheldon Cooper: This is a documentary about Mr. Spock. I'm sure if there is nudity, it will be tasteful.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Earworm Reverberation (#9.10)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: I have an eidetic memory, I should be able to remember what this song is. Something must be wrong with me.
Penny Hofstadter: See? I told you if we waited long enough he'd figure it out.

Sheldon Cooper: This is the beginning of my descent into madness. Soon I will test the limits of public nudity.
Penny Hofstadter: Public nudity?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry, it just means going barefoot.

Penny Hofstadter: Do you even like the Beach Boys?
Sheldon Cooper: They have beach right in their name. What do you think?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Apology Insufficiency (#4.7)" (2010)
[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...
Sheldon Cooper: I changed my mind; get out of my spot!
Penny: How long?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ninety-four seconds.

Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I don't know milliliters.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah. Blame President James "Jimmy" Carter. He started America on a path to the metric system but then just gave up. He wonders why he was a one-term president.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you face failure on a daily basis. How do you cope?
Penny: I drink...

"The Big Bang Theory: The Vengeance Formulation (#3.9)" (2009)
[Penny enters]
Penny: Hi, guys.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: Yo, Raj, talk to me!
[very long pause]
Penny: Nah, I'm sorry. Just screwin' with you.

Howard Wolowitz: [about Bernadette] She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type.
Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard Hofstadter: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be.

[last lines]
Penny: [Howard is 'serenading' Bernadette] Oh, I am *so* sorry.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Are you kidding? That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever done for me.
Howard Wolowitz: [sings] Bernadette!
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you, Cheesecake Factory!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Positive Negative Reaction (#9.16)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: You're not going to get fat. You're going to be beautiful and glowing and-and have the cutest little baby bump ever.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Easy for you to say, skinny bitch! Sorry, hormones.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, that's all right. All I heard was 'skinny'.

Penny Hofstadter: [Penny's phone dings] Oh, it's Leonard. He says Sheldon's drunk and they're going to do karaoke if we want to join them.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That sounds fun.
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy's phone dings] Oh no. Sheldon's drunk texting me.
Penny Hofstadter: What's it say?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Would you like to sing karaoke with us.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How's that a drunk text?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, he used a period instead of a question mark; he's so wasted.

[last lines]
Penny Hofstadter: That was such a fun night.
Leonard Hofstadter: Probably cause you got to see your man up there rocking the mike.
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat box.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that was really an asthma attack; I just sold it.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.
Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. So, you ever think about it?
Penny Hofstadter: Babies? I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think we'd make amazing parents.
Sheldon Cooper: Will you guys keep it down?
[Sheldon is sprawled on the couch, a beard, moustache, glasses and Harry Potter scar drawn on his face]
Penny Hofstadter: On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.
[She picks up a magic marker]
Penny Hofstadter: .

"The Big Bang Theory: The Line Substitution Solution (#9.23)" (2016)
[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: [Sheldon holds up a flash card] Helium.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
[Penny holds up a picture flash card]
Sheldon Cooper: Taylor Swift.
Penny Hofstadter: Yes.
[Sheldon holds up another card]
Penny Hofstadter: Pi.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
[Penny holds up another picture]
Sheldon Cooper: Kardashian.
Penny Hofstadter: More specific.
Sheldon Cooper: [after a pause] Khloé?
Penny Hofstadter: Yes!
Sheldon Cooper: Ah! See, I remember because if it looks like Kim, it's Kim; if it looks kinda like Kim, it's Kourtney; if it looks nothing like Kim, it's Khloé.
Penny Hofstadter: [Sheldon holds up another card] Oh, that's a venn diagram. And I remember because I thought to myself: 'Venn is he going to stop talking about this diagram?'
[Leonard enters]
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you guys doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hnh. Let me try.
[Sheldon and Penny each hold up a card]
Leonard Hofstadter: Atom of hydrogen; Adam of Maroon 5; mike drop.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, who is Mike Drop?

Penny Hofstadter: You really want me to pick up your mother all by myself?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just feel like it would be a good chance for you to bond.
Penny Hofstadter: Or a way for you to avoid her?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know what he is putting on those cards, but you are smarter than ever.

Penny Hofstadter: She's my mother-in-law; why can't I bond with her like that?
Stuart Bloom: Amy's with Sheldon who she loves like a son. You're with her son. Who she doesn't.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Fortification Implementation (#8.20)" (2015)
Penny: So, how many people listen?
Wil Wheaton: Most people download it later, but usually a few thousand people listen live.
Penny: What? A few thousand people listen to you talk about nerd stuff?
Wil Wheaton: Again, right in the ears, straight to the feelings.

Wil Wheaton: Hello, caller, you are on with Penny and Wil from Serial Ape-ist 2.
Caller: I don't have a question. I just want to say I'm a big fan of the movie. I've seen it, like, ten times.
Penny: Okay, well, I'll apologize for the first time, but the other nine are on you.

Penny: Okay, instead of protecting me, why don't you try being excited when something good happens?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm always excited for you. I'm excited that you found this new job where you're making decent money.
Penny: Decent? I make twice what you make.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait, twice?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like times two, twice?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Excelsior Acquisition (#3.16)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: [knock knock knock] Penny?
[knock knock knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
[Penny immediately opens the door]
Penny: [knock knock knock] Penny?
Sheldon Cooper: That's just wrong.

Penny: [calling Leonard on the phone] Sheldon's in jail.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon's in jail?
Raj Koothrappali: [to Howard] You called it.
Leonard Hofstadter: For what?
Penny: What do you think? For doing the same crap he always does, except to a judge.

Sheldon Cooper: This is Stan Lee's front door. We were on Stan Lee's curb, then we were on Stan Lee's walk and now we're at Stan Lee's front door.
Penny: Yup.
[Penny rings the doorbell]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, Lord. You just rang Stan Lee's doorbell. It's Stan Lee's house. We're about to go in and have milk and cookies with Stan Lee.
Penny: Okay. Sweetie, I don't know if we're gonna have cookies or he's just gonna say hi or really what's gonna happen so just let me talk and we'll...
[the door opens]
Stan Lee: Yeah?
Penny: Are you Stan Lee?
Stan Lee: Oh damn.
Penny: Hi. I'm Penny. This is my friend Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: We're not friends at the moment. Depends on how this goes.
Penny: Right, right. Anyway Sheldon here is a huge fan of yours and he was supposed to meet you the other day at the comic book store but he kind of ended up in jail.
Stan Lee: I see. And you thought you'd just come over to my house uninvited?
Sheldon Cooper: You said we *were* invited.
Penny: Oh, no no, I said I'm inviting *you* to come with *me* to Stan Lee's house.
Stan Lee: You know, you fanboys are unbelievable! Do you think you can just ring my doorbell any time you want? I mean, why don't you just come on in and watch the Lakers game with me?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm not much of a sports fan, but thank you.
[walks in. Stan Lee stares at Penny]
Penny: Sir, he doesn't really understand sarcasm.
Stan Lee: Well I'll give him something he'll understand. Joanie! Call the police!
Penny: Nice to meet you.
[Penny runs away]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Jerusalem Duality (#1.12)" (2008)
Penny: [to Raj] Still can't talk to me unless you're drunk, huh?

Penny: I really don't see what the big deal is.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, of course your don't. You've never excelled at anything.
Penny: I don't understand. Exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?
Howard Wolowitz: We liked Leonard.

Penny: Oh, hey guys, what's up?
Howard Wolowitz: We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, that's racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick.
[Penny slams door]
Raj Koothrappali: It's possible she may have misunderstood us.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Russian Rocket Reaction (#5.5)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't understand. What difference does it make if Leonard goes to Wil Wheaton's party?
Penny: Well. Wil Wheaton is Sheldon's mortal enemy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Mortal enemy?
Penny: Mhm.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I knew you were a bit of a left-handed monkey wrench, but you really have a mortal enemy?
Sheldon Cooper: In fact, I have 61 of them. Would you like to see the list?
Penny: Oh, say no, say no, say no.
Sheldon Cooper: You just got off the list, would you like back on it?

Penny: Are you a hundred percent positive that you love and want to marry Howard Wolowitz?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I do. With all my heart.
Penny: Got it. Just had to check.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: I had no choice! I had to tell his mother! He can't go to space! He's like a baby bird! Did you know he once got an asthma attack from reading an old library?
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're kidding.
Penny: No, I was there that day. Sheldon threw his back out handing him that book.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Egg Salad Equivalency (#6.12)" (2013)
[last lines]
Penny: I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalog at school and looked at some of the scence classes.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's great.
Penny: No, it isn't; they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself every day. Anyway, I decided I don't need to be a scientist; I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Leonard Hofstadter: Glasses?
[as Penny puts the glasses on]
Leonard Hofstadter: I really don't think that's going to change- Oh my God, you look so smart and hot!
Penny: I know, right? Watch this.
[pulls the glasses down so she is peering over them]
Penny: Molecules.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, come with me.
Penny: Where are we going?
Leonard Hofstadter: My bedroom, so I can take off everything but those glasses. And maybe the boots.

Leonard Hofstadter: [singing] I'm sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. Sorry Alex hit on me, I'd no idea I'm cute.
Penny: Oh, damn it, you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
Penny: I don't care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard Hofstadter: Of course not. No. Why?
Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Leonard Hofstadter: You do that?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that's my thing, and if you take it away, I don't know what I'm bringing to this relationship.
Penny: Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, not happy.
Penny: Why are you smiling?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Penny: Well, I do.

Leonard Hofstadter: Can I tell you a secret?
Penny: Wha's up?
Leonard Hofstadter: With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny: Can I tell *you* a secret?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
Penny: Keep talking about Captain Kirk and we're all going to stop.
Leonard Hofstadter: [mimicking Shatner] Message. Received.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Graduation Transmission (#8.22)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last-minute things. You know, makeup, underwear, clothes.

Penny: I've never been to New Jersey before.
Leonard Hofstadter: It gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
Penny: So it's not really like that?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's like that.

Penny: Think we'll have time to visit your mom while we're there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I'm not doing that either.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Isotope (#2.20)" (2009)
Penny: What would you recommend as a present for a 13-year old boy?
Stuart: Um, a 13-year old girl?

Penny: [after entering a comic book store loudly] Everbody is staring at me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry. They're more scared of you than you are of them.
Penny: Unlikely.

Penny: You know, it's kind of early. Do you want to maybe come in for some coffee or something?
Stuart: Oh, gee. It's a little late for coffee, isn't it?
Penny: Oh... you think coffee means coffee. That is so sweet.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Beta Test Initiation (#5.14)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, I've got a gunshot wound. That's pretty badass.
Penny: No, you've got a Reebok with a gunshot wound and an ouchie on your pinky toe.

Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again,
Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. You sure you just don't miss the sex?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well... yeah, sex with you is pretty great; have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have; you are not wrong.

Penny: It was nice having dinner with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks. I missed seeing you.
Penny: We see each other every day. Or do you miss the sex?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, sex with you is pretty great. Have you tried it?
Penny: I have, and you are not wrong.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Psychic Vortex (#3.12)" (2010)
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria, and yet I still want to kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second base.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We're way past second base. Right, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh, we kind of disagree about what the bases are.

Penny: Wow, that's all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'm sorry. I really am. It's not right to mock what a person believes in.
Penny: Thank you. Would you be willing to go to my psychic and see what it's all about?
Leonard Hofstadter: Would you be willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds?
Penny: I would not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, let's go see your psychic.
Penny: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, yeah, one of us has to keep an open mind.
Penny: You saying I don't have an open mind?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, not at all. Let me help you with this stuff.
Penny: You know, I believe in ghosts, too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great.
Penny: And astrology.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, crystals don't work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really, that's the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
Penny: Oh, voodoo's real. You don't want to mess with voodoo.

Leonard Hofstadter: I hope you're hungry, Bernadette. We're going to a terrific restaurant.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah, I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria and yet I still wanna kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second-base?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Scavenger Vortex (#7.3)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: OK, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Should we just do couples?
Leonard Hofstadter: Couples sounds great, or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat; whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just said couples sound great.
Penny: Hm-mm. Yeah. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her]
Leonard Hofstadter: So, let's do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon; we're going to kick your ass.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team, and I'm stuck with the liability.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Penny: [after Sheldon explains how he came to the solution of the riddle] Wow. I can drink a beer under water.
Sheldon Cooper: And I'm sure your parents are proud.

Sheldon Cooper: Okay. Another thirty feet...
Penny: Oh, it's a bowling alley!
Sheldon Cooper: [picks up his bowling ball] Yes! Yes! My brain is better than everybody's!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Communication Deterioration (#8.21)" (2015)
Penny: [knock, knock, knock] Sheldon!
[knock, knock, knock]
Penny: Sheldon!
[knock, knock, knock]
Penny: Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: I bet that started off as a joke, but by the third one, you realized there was something strangely enjoyable about it.
Penny: Yeah, I kind of want to do it again.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't recommend it, you'll be doing it the rest of your life.

Penny: You are a wise man.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, Penny, who's smarter, the wise man or the person who comes to him for advice?
Penny: Oh, I guess you're right. Maybe it is the person who asks.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's the wise man.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Anxiety Optimization (#8.13)" (2015)
Penny: So, whichever rep has the best sales for the quarter gets a trip for two to Hawaii.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That would be so romantic for you and Leonard.
Penny: Yeah, clearly you haven't seen him on the beach, walking around with his metal detector.
Amy Farrah Fowler: If I were going to Hawaii, I'd spend all my time at the Keck Observatory. Did you know that the telescopes there have better resolution than the Hubble?
Penny: Really?
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy nods]
Penny: [to Bernadette] Wanna go to Hawaii?

Sheldon Cooper: Before you leave, can you help me test these noise cancelling headphones?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
[Sheldon puts on headphones]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, can you hear me?
[Sheldon doesn't react]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter on the water pitcher in two years.
Penny: Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada.
Leonard Hofstadter: Your George Lucas authograph is really a me authograph.
Penny: One day I was too lazy to go back to my apartment so I used your toothbrush.
Leonard Hofstadter: One time when you weren't home Amy took off her...
[Sheldon takes off headphones]
Leonard Hofstadter: And that's why you're the best roommate ever.
Sheldon Cooper: Aw. Now I feel sorry I didn't hear that.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Cohabitation Formulation (#4.16)" (2011)
Priya Koothrappali: So, Penny, Leonard tells me you're an actress. That must be pretty exciting.
Penny: Oh, yeah, yes, real great. Today I drove to Van Nuys for an audition I thought was going to be for a cat-food commercial. It turned out to be porn.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you get the part?
Penny: I didn't do the audition!
Sheldon Cooper: Given the state of your career, can you really afford to be picky?

Amy Farrah Fowler: [visiting Penny] I just wanted to check in on you.
Penny: Why?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Seems like the appropriate thing to do when your best friend finds herself replaced by a smart, beautiful woman with the smoldering sexuality of a crouched Bengal tiger.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Stag Convergence (#5.22)" (2012)
Penny: So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know, it's a Bachelor Party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hello.
Penny: What's with the robe?
Leonard Hofstadter: [removing robe] I'm going to have sex with you, right here, right now, on that washing machine.
Penny: No, you're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: C'mon, please.
Penny: You want to do something, you can help me fold this sheet.
Leonard Hofstadter: Folding a sheet in my underwear, still pretty crazy.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hot Troll Deviation (#4.4)" (2010)
Penny: It's passion fruit. New on the menu.
Bernadette: I know. I work here.

[Howard is asking Penny for help to get back together with Bernadette, but Penny first wants to know why they broke up]
Howard Wolowitz: It's embarrassing.
Penny: Yeah, that's what I'm counting on. Spill.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Nerdvana Annihilation (#1.14)" (2008)
Penny: Oh, please. It's not a time machine. If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.

Penny: [hearing the commotion in the hallway] If this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said. I was just upset.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I needed to hear it.
Penny: No, you didn't. Look, you are a great guy. And it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard Wolowitz: [sotto to Raj] I guess that makes me large breasts.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Empathy Optimization (#9.13)" (2016)
[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day. How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe he uses kryptonite.
Emily Sweeney: Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
Penny Hofstadter: No no no no no, I've seen that movie. It's called "Iron Man".
[the guys are stupefied]
Leonard Hofstadter: What is happening?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know.
Raj Koothrappali: But it's beautiful.
Penny Hofstadter: How's Ben Affleck as Batman?
Emily Sweeney: Oh, he was great in "Shakespeare in Love".
Penny Hofstadter: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio "Romeo and Juliet".
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I love me some Leo.
Leonard Hofstadter: And it's gone.

Emily Sweeney: [as they leave Sheldon behind] I know he's a jerk, but I actually feel bad for him.
Penny Hofstadter: And now you see the problem.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Re-Entry Minimization (#6.4)" (2012)
Penny: Sheldon, you're full of fun little facts. Where do you think the expression "have your ass handed to you" come from?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know.
Penny: I bet it was from ancient Rome, where they actually chopped off someone's ass and went "Here" as an offering to Loseronius, the God of Losers.

Penny: We're not playing a made-up game.
Sheldon Cooper: All games are made up. They're not found in nature. No one digs on the ground and finds a rich vein of Rock'em Sock'em Robots.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Griffin Equivalency (#2.4)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: [handing out Chinese take-out food] Let's see: Raj was the Kung Pao chicken...
Penny: I'm the dumplings.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, you are.
Penny: Creepy, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard Hofstadter: Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
Howard Wolowitz: That would be me. Come to papa, you un-kosher delight. And I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny: [pointing to a chair] Sit over there.

Sheldon Cooper: Baby wipe?
Penny: Why do you have those?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: No, no! Don't! Don't!
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you why. I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms, with hot air blowers.
Penny: Oh I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Why? Please, don't!
Sheldon Cooper: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Pork Chop Indeterminacy (#1.15)" (2008)
Penny: So, Sheldon's sister is pretty cute.
Leonard Hofstadter: I wasn't staring!
Penny: I didn't say you were; I just said she was cute.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh! Uh, maybe... if you like women who are tall... and perfect.

Penny: Sheldon, why are you ignoring your sister?
Sheldon: I'm not ignoring my sister. I'm ignoring all of you.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Space Probe Disintegration (#8.12)" (2015)
Penny: We could go horseback riding.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, I can't. My hips can't open any wider than 22 degrees. Once I rode a very thin pony. First jump, popped right off.

Sheldon Cooper: We could go ice skating. The cold aggravates Leonard's allergies, and it plays on my fear of being run over by a zamboni.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're helping them find ways of making us miserable?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't help it, Leonard. I'm a problem solver, it's what I do.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't go ice skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles.
Penny: Is there any part of you that's normal?
[Amy gives Penny a mischievous smile]

"The Big Bang Theory: The Pants Alternative (#3.18)" (2010)
Penny: So, whadda ya say, Sheldon, are we your X-Men?
Sheldon: No, the X-Men were named for the X in Charles Xavier. Since I am Sheldon Cooper, you will be my C-Men.

Sheldon: I question your premise. How is a new suit going to prevent me from passing out in front of a ballroom full of people?
Penny: It'll give you confidence. You know, sometimes when I'm feeling all stressed out about something, I go out and buy a cute top or a fun skirt, and I have a whole new outlook on life.
Sheldon: Don't you eventually realize you're just the same stressed-out person in a cute top or a fun skirt?
Penny: Yep, that's when I buy shoes.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Algorithm (#2.13)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: There you go. Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
Penny: Thanks. I mean the e-mail doesn't bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I got the same one. And that's not a bathing suit, it's a tan line.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm having some difficulty bonding with a colleague at work, so I'm doing a little research to better understand why my current friends like me.
Penny: Yes, well, that is a good question. But is this really the best way to figure it out?
Sheldon Cooper: I agree. The social sciences are largely hokum. But short of putting electrodes in your brain and monitoring your response to my companionship, this is the best I can do.
Penny: Okay, question one: "Rank the following aspects of Sheldon Cooper in order of appeal: intelligence, ruthless attention to hygiene, playfulness, Java applet writing"?
Sheldon Cooper: I know. I may have started off with a fairly obvious one. An aspect of of my most appealing trait: playfulness. Why don't you just go ahead and rank that number one? I'm afraid you're on your own for the rest. It should take you no more than three hours.
Penny: Well, wait, how many questions are on this thing?
Sheldon Cooper: Only two hundred and eleven. Don't worry. In deference to you, I've kept them all at a high school graduate reading level.
Penny: [sarcastically] Thanks, pal.
Sheldon Cooper: You got it, buddy.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, did you ever consider making friends by being, I don't know, pleasant?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's certainly a thought-provoking hypothesis. May I suggest it as the topic for your essay?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bozeman Reaction (#3.13)" (2010)
Penny: I can't believe it! If I hadn't been working the dinner shift, I would've run right into the robbers.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, there's no reason for you to be scared.
Penny: I'm not scared.
[picks up baseball bat]
Penny: I would have gone all Nebraska on their asses.

Penny: Come on, Sheldon, you can't move. Don't you need to stay in one place so the mother ship can find you when it returns?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, if that were only true.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bachelor Party Corrosion (#9.3)" (2015)
Penny Hofstadter: Amy got her ears pierced, she broke up with Sheldon, and she made us eat penis cookies.

Amy Farrah Fowler: In the spirt of the bachelorette party, I baked cookies shaped like male genitals.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, Amy, you didn't have... Wow! That is anatomical!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Thank you. The veins are blue gummy worms.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, look. Jewish and gentile.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I had some dough left over.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Separation Oscillation (#9.2)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, after all these years, I still feel like maybe I don't deserve you.
Penny Hofstadter: Okay, that is the lamest excuse you could have possibly come up with. But I get it.
Leonard Hofstadter: You do?
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah. Sometimes I worry I'm gonna wake up, and you're going to leave me for someone like you.

Penny Hofstadter: Sheldon, I can't believe you got us a wedding gift.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know why you're so surprised. I watch movies. I see what people do.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary (#1.3)" (2007)
[Leonard hits his head under the table at the restaurant]
Penny: Are you OK ?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm OK... Did you spill ketchup ?
Penny: No.
Leonard: I'm not OK!

Penny: Was this supposed to be a date?
Leonard: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn't show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Penny: Okay, I was just checking.
Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she's been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I'm going to go lay down for a while, good night.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Gothowitz Deviation (#3.3)" (2009)
[first lines]
Penny: [dancing and singing along to the radio] "I'm goin' out tonight / I'm feelin' alright /Gonna let it all hang out / Wanna make some noise really raise my voice / Yeah, I wanna scream and shout. Ah. No-" Morning, Sheldon. Come dance with me.
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Penny: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: [turns radio off] Penny, while I subscribe to the "Many Worlds" theory which posits the existence of an infinite number of Sheldons in an infinite number of universes, I assure you that in none of them am I dancing.
Penny: Are you fun in any of them?
Sheldon Cooper: The math would suggest that in a few I'm a clown made of candy. But I don't dance.

Penny: Oh man, did the Kiss army repeal 'don't ask, don't tell'?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Countdown Reflection (#5.24)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: We have the where and the when, but we still need to figure out who's going to do the ceremony.
Penny: That's easy. Anyone can go online and get ordained as a minister. I know a piercing parlor where for a hundred bucks they'll marry you and stick a wedding ring through any body part you want.
Howard Wolowitz: Great. Well, who's it gonna be?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll do it. Provided I can perform the ceremony in Klingon.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: No.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you see in her?

Raj Koothrappali: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: They all got ordained. They're all marrying us. It's adorable. If you want to hear it, come closer.
Raj Koothrappali: Guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills... my heart... it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I'll, I'll go. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't say it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may *you* find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj Koothrappali: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP!
Sheldon Cooper: From now on she's the only woman whho can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now, I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: By the power vested in us by the state of California...
[Sheldon only]
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: and the Klingon High Council... we now pronounce you husband and wife.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Infestation Hypothesis (#5.2)" (2011)
Penny: What's the gist, physicist?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Valentino Submergence (#9.15)" (2016)
Leonard Hofstadter: A lot of attitude from the woman who thought MC squared was a rapper.
Penny Hofstadter: Is that a smart thing to say on a holiday that's basically National Sex Night?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, you're pretty, I'm stupid.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Hawking Excitation (#5.21)" (2012)
Penny: Why are you washing Howard's man panties?
Sheldon Cooper: Because if I don't, he won't give my paper to Stephen Hawking. He's a famous physicist.
Penny: Yeah yeah, I know. He's the wheelchair dude who invented time.
Sheldon Cooper: That's close enough.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Date Night Variable (#6.1)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't believe my upper lip will be the same color as my fake blond friend.
Penny: Hey! This is my natural color... now.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Clean Room Infiltration (#8.11)" (2014)
[Opening lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: How are your parents doing, Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Not good. They hired attorneys to speak to each other.
Sheldon Cooper: Speaking of attorneys, you know who I wouldn't hire to represent me in court? She-Hulk.
Penny: You almost stayed in topic. Good for you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait, She-Hulk is a lawyer?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. She works at a lawfirm in New York.
Sheldon Cooper: And she's the only monster in the firm. Between you, me and the walls, I think she was an affirmative action hire.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Staircase Implementation (#3.22)" (2010)
Leonard: So, I did something stupid. I'm sure you did stupid things when you were younger. What were you doing seven years ago?
Penny: Excuse me, I was in high school, studying, keeping my nose clean, doing volunteer work for the community...
[Cut to Penny seven years ago, sitting with her boyfriend looking at a pregnancy kit]
Penny: Not pregnant! Yes!
[They high-five]

"The Big Bang Theory: The 43 Peculiarity (#6.8)" (2012)
Penny: Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, I'm sorry.
Penny: I just can't believe you don't trust me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I feel... Of course I do.
Penny: Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Your picture's on my refrigerator!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.
Penny: What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they are all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS TALLER THAN ME? You know what. This is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Penny: Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!
Leonard Hofstadter: You know that's the first time you said that you love me.
Penny: [stunned] Yea.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
Penny: That's... exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're right we should...
Penny: Fine!
[Runs down stairs]
Leonard Hofstadter: [Enters apartment] She loves me.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Pulled Groin Extrapolation (#5.3)" (2011)
Penny: [about Leonard] So handsome! Like James Bond.
Sheldon Cooper: Better than James Bond, because he's tinier.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Expedition Approximation (#8.6)" (2014)
Penny: You guys are gonna work in a mine?
Sheldon Cooper: Why not?
Penny: You had a panic attack when we went through the car wash!
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps the emotion you were refering to was shock at you having something cleaned.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Convention Conundrum (#7.14)" (2014)
Penny: [the guys have been unable to buy Comic-Con tickets] , Guys, this is really sad. And in a different way than it was twenty minutes ago.

"The Big Bang Theory: The 2003 Approximation (#9.4)" (2015)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: What a wonderful day; thank you.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, we're glad you had fun
Sheldon Cooper: Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.
Leonard Hofstadter: I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy; you're a young man.
Sheldon Cooper: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here,
[points to his head]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm 90.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Agreement Dissection (#4.21)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: The mean Indian lady tried to make me eat lamb. Congratulations, pizza night will now be at your apartment. Order one.
Penny: I'm sorry, honey, I'm meeting Amy and Bernadette for dinner. You're welcome to tag along.
Sheldon Cooper: A girl's night? Oh, I don't know if I'm up for an evening talking about rainbows, unicorns, and menstrual cramps.
Penny: Okay, suit yourself. We'll probably be trashing Priya a little.
Sheldon Cooper: Shotgun!

"The Big Bang Theory: The Herb Garden Germination (#4.20)" (2011)
Penny: Sheldon and Amy had sex.
Raj Koothrappali: Shut your ass!
Penny: Mm-hmm. Amy told me.
Raj Koothrappali: How did that even happen? Did they know that's what they were doing when they were doing it?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Rothman Disintegration (#5.17)" (2012)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Good night, painting Penny. Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Good night, real Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't have to say good night to painting Amy, because she's never leaving.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, real Penny.
Penny: Bye.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good night, transvestite Penny.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Middle Earth Paradigm (#1.6)" (2007)
Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was just, all apologetic, about how he's changed, and he was just going on and on and, and I believed him, and I'm an idiot because I always believe guys like that and... I can't go back to my party because he's there, and I know you don't want to hear this but I'm upset and I'm really drunk and I just want to talk...
[Bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard's shoulder]
Leonard: There, there.
Penny: God, what is wrong with me?
Leonard: Nothing; you're perfect.
Penny: I'm not perfect.
Leonard: Yes, you are.
Penny: You really think so, don't you?
[She kisses him]
Leonard: Penny?
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny: Just... a lot.
Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn't have something to do with what's going on here?
Penny: It might. Boy, you're really smart.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm a frickin' genius.
Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can't all guys be like you?
Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn't survive.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Misinterpretation Agitation (#8.7)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Bernadette is a successful microbiologist. She should be celebrated for her achievements, not her looks. I mean, what kind of message does that send?
Penny: I think the message is, "Check out the rack on that scientist!"

"The Big Bang Theory: The Jiminy Conjecture (#3.2)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: What are we drinking now?
Penny: Peppermint schnapps.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say schnapps. Hey, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Schnapps.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Troll Manifestation (#8.14)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: When you talk like that, it makes me want to take you on this table right now.
Penny: And we both know from past experience that this table won't support both our weights.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Matrimonial Momentum (#9.1)" (2015)
Penny: So what package were you thinking?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, and they even stream the whole thing live on the internet.
Penny: Why would we want that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, near-sighted scientist? Let's give them hope.
Penny: Whatever. Put us on the internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comments section.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Focus Attenuation (#8.5)" (2014)
Penny: I'm going downstairs and fill up on margaritas until I vomit all over the roulette wheel and watch it go everywhere.
Amy Farrah Fowler: What if we don't want to vomit?
Penny: You have to vomit. That's why they give you the bucket.

"The Big Bang Theory: The Bus Pants Utilization (#4.12)" (2011)
Penny: [to Sheldon, who is sitting on the stairs playing the theremin] Whatcha doing? Trying to contact your home planet?

"The Big Bang Theory: The Zazzy Substitution (#4.3)" (2010)
Penny: Hey Look, it's Shamy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Shamy?
Sheldon Cooper: Juvenile amalgamation of our names. Sheldon, Amy. Shamy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh. I don't like that. Don't do that.
Penny: [laughing nervously] All righty. What's new?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, just recently I learned that you refer to us as Shamy, and I don't like that.
Penny: I got that. What I was going for was, you know, how is your life?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Just like everyone else's. Subject to entropy, decay, and eventual death. Thank you for asking.