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Quotes for
Jack Donaghy (Character)
from "30 Rock" (2006)

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"30 Rock: The C Word (#1.14)" (2007)

Jack Donaghy: God, this is like dating Katie Couric all over again.

Tracy Jordan: I don't have a daughter.
Jack Donaghy: [puts his arm around Tracy] Let's have casting session on Monday.

Tracy Jordan: [knocks on Jack's door]
Jack Donaghy: Come on in, Tracy.
Tracy Jordan: Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cause she *asked* me to take it out.

Jack Donaghy: Liz, all the VPs will be angling to golf with Don Geiss, but my partner will be Tracy Jordan, his grandchildren's favorite movie star. Geiss will absolutely choose us, and that's a big deal because being in a foursome with this man can change your life.
Liz Lemon: You might want to rephrase that.

Kenneth Parcell: Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to the 9th Annual Cure Diabetes Now Golf Tournament.
Jack Donaghy: Has Don Geiss arrived yet?
Kenneth Parcell: No, sir, but if you'd like, we could work out a signal so I could let you know when he does arrive, like...
[coos like a bird]
Jack Donaghy: That won't be necessary.
Kenneth Parcell: [quietly] I'll probably just do it anyway.

Jack Donaghy: Tomorrow I'm gonna be in an intense six-hour foursome with three other men, and one of them will be Don Geiss, and he's gonna get all my attention, and you're just gonna sit back and watch.
[across the room, Kenneth coos like a bird.]

Jack Donaghy: You know, Ted, Kenneth here is one of our more promising young pages. He knows everything there is to know about the business.
Kenneth Parcell: I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.

Jack Donaghy: [frustrated, to himself] God, it's like dating Katie Couric all over again.

"30 Rock: The Fighting Irish (#1.17)" (2007)

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, come here - you've got to see this. It's a video of a baby panda sneezing. Sit here.
[Liz sits and Jack starts the video]
Jack Donaghy: Don't watch the mother; just watch the baby.
Liz Lemon: Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!
Jack Donaghy: Isn't that adorable? You have to fire ten percent of your staff.

Jack Donaghy: You have to fire ten percent of your staff.
Liz Lemon: What?
Jack Donaghy: We have to synergize backward overflow.

Eddie Donaghy: I got a real job now: I talk homeless people into joining the army.
Jack Donaghy: Isn't there anything that you want?
Eddie Donaghy: One thing: I'd like my brother back. Look, I know I've been nothing but trouble to you your entire life. Juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy... Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket!
Jack Donaghy: Ah, that was for a couple of lousy months; big deal. I had sex with your prom date.
Eddie Donaghy: I stole your identity.
Jack Donaghy: I threw you out of a window.
Eddie Donaghy: I convinced you you had lupus.
Jack Donaghy: I microwaved your parakeet!
Eddie Donaghy: I hated that bird.
Jack Donaghy: We had some great times, didn't we?

Eddie Donaghy: Hey, Jack, you mind if I take a few grapes for dinner later?
Jack Donaghy: Why don't you just take the money?
Eddie Donaghy: No! If you wanna give money to someone, you give it to those nurses who took care of Dad at Chicago All-Saints Hospital. They never once said anything about the racist stuff, towards the end.

Jack Donaghy: I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Uh, I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.

Jack Donaghy: Oh, I had to re-hire that Liz Lemler that you fired.
Liz Lemon: Okay.
Jack Donaghy: And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion, too.
Liz Lemon: Fantastic.
Jack Donaghy: It's an amazing opportunity for her, out at... corporate headquarters.
Liz Lemon: In Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. That's right. It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.
[Liz smiles]
Jack Donaghy: And you say...
Liz Lemon: Thank you, Jack.
Jack Donaghy: You're welcome.

Tracy Jordan: Hey, did you hear the good news, J.D.? I'm Irish Catholic now, like you, Regis, and the Pope.
Jack Donaghy: Oh, ho ho, no you're not. The church already has enough lawsuits.
Tracy Jordan: See, I can screw up now, and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.
Jack Donaghy: That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.
Tracy Jordan: I don't think I want that. I'm out.
[Jack turns to leave]
Jack Donaghy: [to himself] Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.
[Jack crosses himself]

"30 Rock: Subway Hero (#2.12)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: [about Richard Nixon] God bless that wiretapping bastard!

Jack: Save it Liz, I booked the 911 Bird. Winston here saved his owner by dialing 911 and yelling fire only because he didn't know the word for rape.

Jack Donaghy: ...let me ask you a question, Kenneth. If Mr. Bright here told you to vote Republican, would you do it?
Kenneth Parcell: Oh, uh, no, sir. I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name!
Jack Donaghy: That's Republican. We count those.

Jack: Jonathan's going to round up all the cool Republican celebrities.
Liz Lemon: [laughs] Like who, Chuck Norris?
Jack: No, C-No and I had a falling out after I switched to another dojo.

Jack Donaghy: Dot com, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off putting.
Dot Com: I guess that's why I'm still single.
[walks off downtrodden]

"30 Rock: Blind Date (#1.3)" (2006)

Jack: Kenneth, I really wasn't going to fire you, I just wanted to remind you that I could. I want you back here at six in the morning sharp so you can sweep up these shrimp tails.
Kenneth Parcell: Yes sir, Mr. Donaghy!
Jack: I have my eye on you Kenneth.
Kenneth Parcell: You will not be disappointed sir.
Liz Lemon: Well it was nice of you to let him keep his job.
Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And, although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.
[Kenneth unlocks his bike and they watch him happily ride away]
Jack: In five years we'll either be working for him, or dead at his hand.

Jack: How was your evening with Thomas?
Liz Lemon: You mean Gretchen Thomas, the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian? What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz Lemon: Well I'm straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.
Liz Lemon: Regardless, I am straight. One-hundred precent completely straight.
Jack: Well I'm sorry if I offended you.

Jack: [implying that mood affects the performance of his employees and that Liz always seems to be unhappy] Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you've not been touched in any way for quite some time. Not caressed. Not massaged. Not even groped on the subway. Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?
Liz Lemon: No. I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.
Jack: I would think that the single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.

Jack: [running into Liz in the hallway on the day of the blind date he set up for her] What are gonna wear?
Liz Lemon: This probably
[indicating she will wear her office clothes]
Liz Lemon: . I don't have time to go home
Jack: That won't do.
[fishes a wad of cash from his pocket and proceeds to give Lemon some money]
Jack: I want you to go out in your lunch hour and find something.
[pauses before emphasizing]
Jack: in a *women's* clothing store.

Jack Donaghy: All right then. You're not a lesbian. Duly noted. I'll correct that on your file. It's too bad, though. Thomas thought you were great.
Liz Lemon: She did?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. She said she thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Liz Lemon: Really? She said that?
Jack Donaghy: Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

"30 Rock: Fireworks (#1.18)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: You're worried about that guy?
Jack Donaghy: Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to L.A.
Liz Lemon: Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a
[imitating Jack's gravelly voice]
Liz Lemon: "talking like this contest."

Jack Donaghy: Banks is no slouch: He pioneered the concept of ten-second internet sitcoms.

Jack Donaghy: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz Lemon: Those weren't jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack Donaghy: Well, they got big laughs.

Jack Donaghy: Good God; Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.
Liz Lemon: [facetiously] Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.
[cut to Kenneth sitting in front of Jack's desk]
Kenneth Parcell: So, Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?

[Jack wants a naïve Kenneth to gather intelligence about Devon Banks]
Jack Donaghy: You should get to know Devon; tell him all of your television ideas. You know, he started off as a page, just like you.
Kenneth Parcell: Really? So did I!

"30 Rock: Ludachristmas (#2.9)" (2007)

[Liz's brother Mitch had an accident as a teenager and believes it's still 1985]
Jack Donaghy: Oh in his mind Reagan is still President?
Jack Donaghy: [to Mitch] You lucky bastard.

Liz Lemon: Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?
Jack Donaghy: Well, it's only positive reinforcement when they say it to you. In my case they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.

Jack Donaghy: See mother, not all species eat their young.

Jack Donaghy: Now, Dick, let me get...
Dick Lemon: Ahh-ah-ah Jack, it's on me. Wouldn't be a Lemon party without old Dick!

"30 Rock: Succession (#2.13)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: Mr Geiss, I'm so sorry, I just found out you're here. I'd have my assistant sit on his naughty stool if he didn't love it so much.

Jack Donaghy: When will this be made public, sir? I want my mother to know before she dies so goes to her grave a defeated woman.

Jack Donaghy: Why do I smell self-tanning cream and teeth whitener?... Banks!

Liz Lemon: I'm feeling pretty drunk.
Jack Donaghy: Well, it's business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

"30 Rock: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)

Jack: Are you drunk?
Liz Lemon: [drunk] Yessss!

Jack: Alfredo's, 2 PM.
Liz Lemon: I'm not dressed for that.
Jack: You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Liz Lemon: Where's Gary?
Jack: [Kicks down door and enters room] Gary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New VP of development for NBC/GE/Universal/Kmart.
Pete: Oh, we own Kmart now?
Jack: No. So why are you dressed like we do?

Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

"30 Rock: Christmas Special (#3.6)" (2008)

Colleen Donaghy: Exhibit A: You're cell phone bill. You made a call to 911 at 8:16 AM. Exhibit B: The watch that my son gave me for Christmas. Not the one I wanted by the way. You had just set it before it broke of course when you car rammed into me down in Florida. And it stopped at 8:08. Exhibit C: 16-8=8! Numbers, unlike children, don't lie. What kind of son...
Jack: What kind of mother tells her son that John Kennedy died because he talked in church? Or tells her son when he was voted captain of the diving team, quote "What a great way to meet guys?" Or invites strange men over on Christmas Eve?

Jack: Have I told you about my mom's yuletide boyfriend, Frederick August Otto Schwarz III.
Liz Lemon: FAO Swartz? Like the toy store?
Jack: His family owned some toy stores, yes. So what?
Liz Lemon: Jack, I think your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you.
Jack: Not possible. She didn't do anything for us.
Liz Lemon: I know you guys were pretty poor, did you have a lot of presents?
Jack: You couldn't even see the tree.

Liz Lemon: Hey, you don't know the Post Master General, do you?
Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I want to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls.

"30 Rock: Rosemary's Baby (#2.4)" (2007)

Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Jack: [about Rosemary] Fire her. And don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again.

Liz Lemon: Alright, I need my job back but this is not crawling, this is proud begging like those kids that dance on the subway.
Jack: Of course you can have your job back, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Oh thank god! It was terrible. I went to her apartment. I don't think she has a toilet! I saw my future, Jack.
Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
[hands Lemon a glass of wine]
Liz Lemon: [sighs] I can't end up like that. I have gotta make money and save it. And I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into *more* money. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jack: With my eyes closed.
Liz Lemon: Oh good, because I want to send Rosemary $400 a month for... forever.
Jack: You should, that woman is unemployable.
Liz Lemon: Rosemary said that women become obsolete in this business when there's no one left that wants to see them naked.
Jack: You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.
[raises glass]
Jack: To the future, Lemon. Oh, and by the way, GE has a problem with the dog penis sketch.
Liz Lemon: [they both take a sip, Lemon hands her glass back to Jack] I'll change it.
[turns to leave, Jack pours the remainder of her wine into his glass]
Liz Lemon: [off screen] Hey, what about cat penises?

"30 Rock: SeinfeldVision (#2.1)" (2007)

Jack: I'm back Lemon. I've had the most productive summer of my life.
Liz Lemon: Me Too!
Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits. America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than a Dog, MILF Island.
Liz Lemon: Milf Island?
Jack: Twentyfive super hot moms. Fifty eighth grade boys. No rules.
Liz Lemon: Oh yeah. Didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring milf.

Liz Lemon: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.
Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jack: [referring to Jenna's weight gain] She needs to lose 30 pounds or gain 60. Anything in between has no place in television.
Liz Lemon: I can't believe I missed you.

"30 Rock: Gavin Volure (#3.4)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: I can't believe you're out of the game. It's like Picasso not painting, or Bruce Willis not combining action and rock harmonica.

Jack Donaghy: You go to that house and work it like a Chinese gymnast: wear something tight, force a smile, and lie about your age.

Jack Donaghy: Kenneth, just how much money do you have in your savings?
Kenneth Parcell: Well, let's see!
[Kenneth reaches down and picks up a can filled with cash]
Kenneth Parcell: Eighty thousand dollars!
Jack Donaghy: If you don't include Confederate money.
Kenneth Parcell: Four thousand dollars!

"30 Rock: Cooter (#2.15)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: We need hope. We need change. We need experience. We need pens.

Jack Donaghy: Cooter, look at this place. This can't be what you want in life. Haven't you ever thought about leaving?
Cooter Burger: Of course. Every day. Every day for two years. Look at these resignation letters
[opens desk drawer, takes out a bunch of filed letters]
Cooter Burger: They're written in ketchup, dirty rock, leak water... But now you're here. You're here and everything's gonna be better. Now we've got pens. Glorious pens!

Jack Donaghy: [to C.C] I did certain things for you in bed that you were going to recipricate but then we broke up before my birthday so you owe me.

"30 Rock: Somebody to Love (#2.6)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago?
Jack Donaghy: I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your headsuit. I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novack, it's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz Lemon: Em, I don't think he's real.
Jack Donaghy: [laughs] I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real. I have to look perfect. When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males.

Jack Donaghy: [to Celeste] You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So present, so grateful.

Jack Donaghy: Tracy, I don't believe in soulmates and I worked to hard to get where I am to sacrifice it for some woman. I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant and she does it like her father's a minister.

"30 Rock: Tracy Does Conan (#1.7)" (2006)

Jack: We'll get to your problem in a minute. Have you had a chance to think of my zinger?
Liz Lemon: [exasperated] "Well, it's almost Thanksgiving, everybody, and I know what this crowd's giving thanks for: estate tax reform!"
Jack: HAHAHAA! That is terrific! I really enjoyed that. But do you think it's too topical? Damn, I wish this event were tonight.
Liz Lemon: It's not tonight? When is it?
Jack: February.
Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after 6! What am I, a farmer?

Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Jack: Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.
Conan O'Brien: I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.
Conan O'Brien: That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan O'Brien: What's the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan O'Brien: Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.

"30 Rock: Jack Meets Dennis (#1.6)" (2006)

Jack: What is your contingency plan for a crap storm of this magnitude?

Liz Lemon: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Jack: Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this... mediocrity?

"30 Rock: Corporate Crush (#1.19)" (2007)

[Jack is in a museum facing a painting, waiting for Liz Lemon to meet him there. Liz appears behind him without announcing her arrival]
Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: How do you do that, without turning around?
Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

Jack: I haven't met your boyfriend.
Liz Lemon: His name's Floyd.
Jack: That's unfortunate.

Jack: Well, it's really quite simple: men seek out the company of other men they admire and want to be like. Floyd is me 20 years ago, I'm Don Geiss 30 years ago. 20 years from now, Floyd'll be me, I'm gonna be Don Geis and Don Geiss will be dead.

"30 Rock: Up All Night (#1.13)" (2007)

Jack: [Drunk and playing with the TV remote after bringing a hooker to Tracy's hotel room] Ooh, video games! We could play video games.

Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
Jack: I want all of our love letters.
Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca Donaghy: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar!

Jack: One minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then, before you know it, your lawyers are arguing over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz Lemon: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did. But, damn it, I want that box.

"30 Rock: The Rural Juror (#1.10)" (2007)

Jack: Look, Tracy - I can't just *give* you money. But what I can do is show you how you can *earn* all the money you need. You must know Arsenio...
Tracy Jordan: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named *Arsenio Billingham*?
Tracy Jordan: No.

Tracy Jordan: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don't I?

Jack: We have a product we want you to give an endorsement to.
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I'll do it! What is it?
Jack: It's called a Tracey Jordan Meat Machine, it's a duel press grill.
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Say no more, if it's giving people meat, then I'm on board.

"30 Rock: Jackie Jormp-Jomp (#3.18)" (2009)

Jack Donaghy: You can't give up now. Did Jackie Jormp-Jomp give up when those vampires attacked Woodstox?

Jack Donaghy: Wait, you're dating one of the dancers?
Kenneth Parcell: Oh, no sir, I actually haven't spoken to her yet, but I have a long term plan to marry her and I wanted the company to be aware of my intentions.
Jack Donaghy: I see. I'll be sure to mention that at the next board meeting.
Kenneth Parcell: Thank you, sir. Also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.

"30 Rock: Hard Ball (#1.15)" (2007)

Jack Donaghy: What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?

Jack Donaghy: [Liz has forced Josh to do 'the Worm'] Good Lord, 'the Worm'. That's so degrading.

"30 Rock: The Aftermath (#1.2)" (2006)

Liz Lemon: I thought Tracy was getting here at noon.
Jack: Movie stars move at their own pace, Liz. We have to accommodate him.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, well, a lot of people are still upset about Tracy joining the show.
Jack: Well, that's not my problem. I have other things on my plate. You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs?
Liz Lemon: No...
Jack: Good.

Tracy Jordan: [Recording new promos for The Girlie Show] Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.
Liz Lemon: That's great Tracy but it's peacock.
Tracy Jordan: What I say?
Liz Lemon: Peacork.
Tracy Jordan: Peacock. Think peaCOCK. Right, Jenna?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.
Liz Lemon: Okay. That time I think you may have hit it a little bit too hard. Also can you throw Jenna's name in there for me?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malvangany?
Liz Lemon: Maroney, rhymes with baloney.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my baloney?
Liz Lemon: Nope.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet?
[end of take]
Tracy Jordan: I think we got it! I think we got it!
Jack: Yep, I think we did.

"30 Rock: Cougars (#2.7)" (2007)

Jack Donaghy: A youthful companion is the ultimate status accessory.
Liz Lemon: Well, maybe you can pull that off, you're a man. It's different for women.
Jack Donaghy: That is so sexist of you. To that clueless boy over there, you're a very powerful woman. Technically you're a catch. You got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

Kenneth Parcell: [on phone] Sir, conditions have deteriorated. I made De Marquee captain like you said, but having a kid from Trinidad in charge made the Latino's real mad. And they all seemed to really hate my grandpa, 'cause they keep yelling 'kill whitey' and I'm like 'what do you think you are, alcohol?
Jack Donaghy: [on cellphone] Right, Kenneth, calm down. There was bound to be some unrest once we removed Tracy. They're testing our resolve. Stay the course.

"30 Rock: The Collection (#2.3)" (2007)

Jack: Lem on I'm impressed! You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz Lemon: A business woman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.

Liz Lemon: What's with the cookie jar?
Jack: I collect them.
Liz Lemon: Really, is that some kind of unresolved childhood thing?
Jack: Nice try. Eh, we never had any cookiejars in my home because my mother never baked a silly cookies 'cause she never felt we deserved any cookies so obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Liz Lemon: But that cookie jar says 'mom' on it.
Jack: Er, I don't think so. I've always viewed it as an upside down 'wow'.

"30 Rock: Mamma Mia (#3.21)" (2009)

Liz Lemon: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family... when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
Jack Donaghy: Why don't I have any other friends?

Jack Donaghy: You know what family means to me, Lemon? Resentment, guilt, anger... Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.

"30 Rock: Episode 210 (#2.10)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: [to C.C] You're my new night job and I'm gonna love you like my boss is watching.

Jack Donaghy: Wanna get drunk?
Liz Lemon: No, there's too many phones in here.

"30 Rock: Greenzo (#2.5)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: Yeah, well Greenzo seems to love himself, too.
Jack Donaghy: So does Don Geiss. He sent me a personal card congratulating me...
[rubs the signature with a wet finger, it smudges]
Jack Donaghy: ... with a real signature.
Liz Lemon: Wow. If you lick the envelope you could clone him and then you'd have two Geisses.
Jack Donaghy: Yeah, right, Lemon. I'm gonna clone Geiss, then compete with the Geiss clone for the CEO position? Think it through.

Greenzo: Can you fire the wind, Jack? Can you fire a hurricane?
[leaves with his green cap flapping in the wind]
Jack Donaghy: [shouts after him] We're developing that technology!

"30 Rock: Believe in the Stars (#3.2)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, does Kenneth look up to you?
Liz Lemon: Of course he does. Kenneth looks up to everybody. He even calls Tracy's lizard Sir.

Kenneth Parcell: Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. Yes he is.

"30 Rock: Black Tie (#1.12)" (2007)

Jack Donaghy: [regarding the physical deformities of Prince Gerhardt] Most people in his situation would be angry with his family for the centuries of inbreeding, but not Gerhardt. He's too busy trying to stave off infection.

Bianca Donaghy: [Jack is passing Liz off has his girlfriend to his ex-wife] She's much sharper than the last girl you had. What was her name?
Jack Donaghy: Beyoncé.

"30 Rock: The Baby Show (#1.9)" (2007)

Jack: My mother wanted to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me.
Kenneth: Oh.
Jack: I was twelve.

Jack: Business doesn't get me down. Business gets me off.

"30 Rock: St. Valentine's Day (#3.11)" (2009)

[Jack is in a confession booth, trying to shock the priest]
Jack Donaghy: I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition.

Elisa: You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head!
Jack Donaghy: Well, you have big boobs!
Elisa: Which you'll never touch again!
Jack Donaghy: [sotto voce] This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

"30 Rock: Jack-Tor (#1.5)" (2006)

Liz Lemon: Okay, here's your pep talk. You're not an actor. You're Jack Donaghy, all right? So quit whining and NUT UP. You're right. If you can't do this, you ARE a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack. So be a man and get it done.
Jack: If you were any other woman on earth, I would be turned on right now.

Liz Lemon: I'm sorry, you're saying you want us to use the show to sell stuff?
Jack: Look, I-I know how this sounds.
Liz Lemon: No, come on, Jack, we're not doing that. We're not compromising the integrity of the show to sell...
Pete Hornberger: Wow, this is Diet Snapple?
Liz Lemon: I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it?
Pete Hornberger: You should try Plum-a-Granate. It's amazing.
Cerie: I only date guys who drink Snapple.

"30 Rock: MILF Island (#2.11)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: You know if you Google the phrase 'class-A moron' my name pops first now, so... step aside Randy Quaid.

"30 Rock: Flu Shot (#3.8)" (2009)

Jack Donaghy: Come on, Lemmon. What do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus.

"30 Rock: Jack Gets in the Game (#2.2)" (2007)

Devon Banks: [knowing Jack can't eat meat on account of his heart condition] Here. Why don't you take some of my steak. I could never eat this much meat.
Jack Donaghy: [knowing Banks is trying to pass himself off as straight] That's not what I hear.
[laughs]

"30 Rock: The Head and the Hair (#1.11)" (2007)

Jack: This year I'll be a page for a day, and you'll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you, sir.
Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.

"30 Rock: The Ones (#3.19)" (2009)

Jack Donaghy: Being in a relationship means overlooking certain flaws. I mean, somewhere right now a guy is on a J-Date with Monica Lewinsky. Nobody's perfect.

"30 Rock: Do-Over (#3.1)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: We're not the best people...
Liz Lemon: ...but we're not the worst.
Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy: Graduate students are the worst!

"30 Rock: The One with the Cast of 'Night Court' (#3.3)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: I need your help, We were having sex at The Palace, she told me she loved me.
Liz Lemon: You did it, again?
Jack Donaghy: Well it was quick and in the meat locker, that's ok, right?
Liz Lemon: What is it with you men, you're like you are junkies or something. Why can't you just say no?
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing. Emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack, I mean their self-loathing translates into... nevermind. I've got to get out of this. What do other guys do?
Liz Lemon: Well, one guy died, Scotty Pippen requested a transfer to Houston.
Jack Donaghy: Jack Donaghy: Houston is too humid, what about this dying thing?
Liz Lemon: Where is she now?
Jack Donaghy: Chained to the radiator at her hotel room. It was her idea, she's an amazing woman.

"30 Rock: Secrets and Lies (#2.8)" (2007)

Celeste Cunningham: I should never have listened to a woman who tapes her bra together.
Jack: Lemon.

"30 Rock: Hiatus (#1.21)" (2007)

Jack Donaghy: My mouth tastes like purple.

"30 Rock: Sandwich Day (#2.14)" (2008)

Frank: Hey, can you make the teamsters tell us where they make those sandwiches?
Jack Donaghy: Only if you beat them at a drinking contest. It's in their contract.

"30 Rock: The Natural Order (#3.20)" (2009)

Jack Donaghy: Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a criminal population. It's America's Australia.

"30 Rock: Jack the Writer (#1.4)" (2006)

Jack Donaghy: Beep, beep! Ribby, ribby!

"30 Rock: The Break-Up (#1.8)" (2006)

Jack: Guess where I was last night?
Liz Lemon: Mark Foley's sleepover party?