Jack Donaghy
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Quotes for
Jack Donaghy (Character)
from "30 Rock" (2006)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"30 Rock: The C Word (#1.14)" (2007)
Jack Donaghy: God, this is like dating Katie Couric all over again.

Tracy Jordan: I don't have a daughter.
Jack Donaghy: [puts his arm around Tracy] Let's have casting session on Monday.

Tracy Jordan: [knocks on Jack's door]
Jack Donaghy: Come on in, Tracy.
Tracy Jordan: Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cause she *asked* me to take it out.

Jack Donaghy: Liz, all the VPs will be angling to golf with Don Geiss, but my partner will be Tracy Jordan, his grandchildren's favorite movie star. Geiss will absolutely choose us, and that's a big deal because being in a foursome with this man can change your life.
Liz Lemon: You might want to rephrase that.

Kenneth Parcell: Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to the 9th Annual Cure Diabetes Now Golf Tournament.
Jack Donaghy: Has Don Geiss arrived yet?
Kenneth Parcell: No, sir, but if you'd like, we could work out a signal so I could let you know when he does arrive, like...
[coos like a bird]
Jack Donaghy: That won't be necessary.
Kenneth Parcell: [quietly] I'll probably just do it anyway.

Jack Donaghy: Tomorrow I'm gonna be in an intense six-hour foursome with three other men, and one of them will be Don Geiss, and he's gonna get all my attention, and you're just gonna sit back and watch.
[across the room, Kenneth coos like a bird]

Jack Donaghy: You know, Ted, Kenneth here is one of our more promising young pages. He knows everything there is to know about the business.
Kenneth Parcell: I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.

Don Geiss: Jack, you handsome son of a gun! This guy gets younger every time I see him!
Jack Donaghy: No, you're the one.
Don Geiss: Oh, hair like a Viking! God bless you!


"30 Rock: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
Jack: Are you drunk?
Liz Lemon: [drunk] Yessss!

Jack: Alfredo's, 2 PM.
Liz Lemon: I'm not dressed for that.
Jack: You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Liz Lemon: Where's Gary?
Jack: [Kicks down door and enters room] Gary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New VP of development for NBC/GE/Universal/Kmart.
Pete: Oh, we own Kmart now?
Jack: No. So why are you dressed like we do?

Jack: [to Liz] I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Jack: [as an assistant holds up a Post-It note] Ah, I'll call her back. Is she at the White House line?
[assistant nods]
Jack: Great.
[& holds up 2nd note]
Jack: Tell them I need a 4am tee-off time
[3rd note]
Jack: Uh, five inches, but it's thick.

Jack: I like you. You have the boldness of a much younger woman.

Jack: I want you to think about Tracy Jordan.
Pete: The black guy?
Jack: The black movie star. I flew with him on a private jet to the Super Bowl recently and I found him very entertaining.
Liz Lemon: Isn't he, um... crazy?
Jack: Tracy's had his problems in the last few years.
Tracy Jordan: [cut to Tracy on the news, running through traffic in his underwear] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!


"30 Rock: The Fighting Irish (#1.17)" (2007)
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, come here - you've got to see this. It's a video of a baby panda sneezing. Sit here.
[Liz sits and Jack starts the video]
Jack Donaghy: Don't watch the mother; just watch the baby.
Liz Lemon: Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!
Jack Donaghy: Isn't that adorable? You have to fire ten percent of your staff.

Jack Donaghy: You have to fire ten percent of your staff.
Liz Lemon: What?
Jack Donaghy: We have to synergize backward overflow.

Eddie Donaghy: I got a real job now: I talk homeless people into joining the army.
Jack Donaghy: Isn't there anything that you want?
Eddie Donaghy: One thing: I'd like my brother back. Look, I know I've been nothing but trouble to you your entire life. Juvie, Jonestown, that time I punched Goofy... Hell, I even blinded you with a bottle rocket!
Jack Donaghy: Ah, that was for a couple of lousy months; big deal. I had sex with your prom date.
Eddie Donaghy: I stole your identity.
Jack Donaghy: I threw you out of a window.
Eddie Donaghy: I convinced you you had lupus.
Jack Donaghy: I microwaved your parakeet!
Eddie Donaghy: I hated that bird.
Jack Donaghy: We had some great times, didn't we?

Eddie Donaghy: Hey, Jack, you mind if I take a few grapes for dinner later?
Jack Donaghy: Why don't you just take the money?
Eddie Donaghy: No! If you wanna give money to someone, you give it to those nurses who took care of Dad at Chicago All-Saints Hospital. They never once said anything about the racist stuff, towards the end.

Jack Donaghy: I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Uh, I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.

Jack Donaghy: Oh, I had to re-hire that Liz Lemler that you fired.
Liz Lemon: Okay.
Jack Donaghy: And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion, too.
Liz Lemon: Fantastic.
Jack Donaghy: It's an amazing opportunity for her, out at... corporate headquarters.
Liz Lemon: In Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. That's right. It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.
[Liz smiles]
Jack Donaghy: And you say...
Liz Lemon: Thank you, Jack.
Jack Donaghy: You're welcome.

Tracy Jordan: Hey, did you hear the good news, J.D.? I'm Irish Catholic now, like you, Regis, and the Pope.
Jack Donaghy: Oh, ho ho, no you're not. The church already has enough lawsuits.
Tracy Jordan: See, I can screw up now, and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.
Jack Donaghy: That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.
Tracy Jordan: I don't think I want that. I'm out.
[Jack turns to leave]
Jack Donaghy: [to himself] Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.
[Jack crosses himself]


"30 Rock: Rosemary's Baby (#2.4)" (2007)
Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.

Jack: [about Rosemary] Fire her. And don't ever make me talk to a woman that old again.

Liz Lemon: Alright, I need my job back but this is not crawling, this is proud begging like those kids that dance on the subway.
Jack: Of course you can have your job back, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Oh thank god! It was terrible. I went to her apartment. I don't think she has a toilet! I saw my future, Jack.
Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
[hands Lemon a glass of wine]
Liz Lemon: [sighs] I can't end up like that. I have gotta make money and save it. And I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into *more* money. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jack: With my eyes closed.
Liz Lemon: Oh good, because I want to send Rosemary $400 a month for... forever.
Jack: You should, that woman is unemployable.
Liz Lemon: Rosemary said that women become obsolete in this business when there's no one left that wants to see them naked.
Jack: You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.
[raises glass]
Jack: To the future, Lemon. Oh, and by the way, GE has a problem with the dog penis sketch.
Liz Lemon: [they both take a sip, Lemon hands her glass back to Jack] I'll change it.
[turns to leave, Jack pours the remainder of her wine into his glass]
Liz Lemon: [off screen] Hey, what about cat penises?

Jack: Where do you invest your money, Liz?
Liz Lemon: I have, like, twelve grand in checking...
Jack: Are you an immigrant?

Jack: [Pretending to be Tracy's dad] Lady, just because I'm an ignorant black man and you paid me a nickel to bust up your chifforobe, doesn't give you the right to call me ridiculous just 'cause I'm proud of my son.

Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.


"30 Rock: Cooter (#2.15)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: We need hope. We need change. We need experience. We need pens.

Jack Donaghy: Cooter, look at this place. This can't be what you want in life. Haven't you ever thought about leaving?
Cooter Burger: Of course. Every day. Every day for two years. Look at these resignation letters
[opens desk drawer, takes out a bunch of filed letters]
Cooter Burger: They're written in ketchup, dirty rock, leak water... But now you're here. You're here and everything's gonna be better. Now we've got pens. Glorious pens!

Jack Donaghy: [to C.C] I did certain things for you in bed that you were going to reciprocate but then we broke up before my birthday so you owe me.

Jack Donaghy: The ceiling appears to be leaking.
Cooter Burger: No, it's not. We've looked into it and it's not.

Jack Donaghy: Do you need a pen?
Cooter Burger: Nope. I've kind of gotten used to it.
Jack Donaghy: You don't have pens?
Cooter Burger: We're not in a recession.

Cooter Burger: Hey, we have a meeting with the appropriations committee, like, now.
Jack Donaghy: Oh no. I'm not prepared.
Cooter Burger: I know. I'm not drunk either, but we'll manage.


"30 Rock: Subway Hero (#2.12)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: [about Richard Nixon] God bless that wiretapping bastard!

Jack: Save it Liz, I booked the 911 Bird. Winston here saved his owner by dialing 911 and yelling fire only because he didn't know the word for rape.

Jack Donaghy: ...let me ask you a question, Kenneth. If Mr. Bright here told you to vote Republican, would you do it?
Kenneth Parcell: Oh, uh, no, sir. I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name!
Jack Donaghy: That's Republican. We count those.

Jack: Jonathan's going to round up all the cool Republican celebrities.
Liz Lemon: [laughs] Like who, Chuck Norris?
Jack: No, C-No and I had a falling out after I switched to another dojo.

Jack Donaghy: Dot com, this need you have to be the smartest guy in the room is... off putting.
Dot Com: I guess that's why I'm still single.
[walks off downtrodden]

Kenneth Parcell: I don't choose Democrat or Republican because choosing is a sin, so I just write in the Lord's name.
Jack: That's Republican; we count those.


"30 Rock: Blind Date (#1.3)" (2006)
Jack: How was your evening with Thomas?
Liz Lemon: You mean Gretchen Thomas, the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian? What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz Lemon: Well I'm straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.
Liz Lemon: Regardless, I am straight. One-hundred precent completely straight.
Jack: Well I'm sorry if I offended you.

Jack: [implying that mood affects the performance of his employees and that Liz always seems to be unhappy] Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you've not been touched in any way for quite some time. Not caressed. Not massaged. Not even groped on the subway. Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?
Liz Lemon: No. I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.
Jack: I would think that the single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.

Jack: [running into Liz in the hallway on the day of the blind date he set up for her] What are gonna wear?
Liz Lemon: This probably
[indicating she will wear her office clothes]
Liz Lemon: . I don't have time to go home
Jack: That won't do.
[fishes a wad of cash from his pocket and proceeds to give Lemon some money]
Jack: I want you to go out in your lunch hour and find something.
[pauses before emphasizing]
Jack: in a *women's* clothing store.

Jack Donaghy: All right then. You're not a lesbian. Duly noted. I'll correct that on your file. It's too bad, though. Thomas thought you were great.
Liz Lemon: She did?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. She said she thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Liz Lemon: Really? She said that?
Jack Donaghy: Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Jack: You are a puzzle Kenneth Allen. And I'm going to solve you.

Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon: 'Keep your friends close, and your enemies closer.' And although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this case they're right.
[about Kenneth]
Jack: In five years we'll all either be working for him... or be dead by his hand.


"30 Rock: Fireworks (#1.18)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: You're worried about that guy?
Jack Donaghy: Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to L.A.
Liz Lemon: Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a
[imitating Jack's gravelly voice]
Liz Lemon: "talking like this contest."

Jack Donaghy: Banks is no slouch: He pioneered the concept of ten-second internet sitcoms.

Jack Donaghy: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz Lemon: Those weren't jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack Donaghy: Well, they got big laughs.

Jack Donaghy: Good God; Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.
Liz Lemon: [facetiously] Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.
[cut to Kenneth sitting in front of Jack's desk]
Kenneth Parcell: So, Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?

[Jack wants a naïve Kenneth to gather intelligence about Devon Banks]
Jack Donaghy: You should get to know Devon; tell him all of your television ideas. You know, he started off as a page, just like you.
Kenneth Parcell: Really? So did I!

Maury Povich: All right, Tracy, l have the DNA results right here. Are you ready to find out who your biological father is?
Tracy Jordan: I think I am.
Maury Povich: Tracy... meet your father, Tom!
Tracy Jordan: [Jack enters dressed as Thomas Jefferson] No! l hate you, Thomas Jefferson! l don't know who l am anymore! You can't be my father!
Sally Hemings: Maury, he a dog! He a dog and a liar!
Maury Povich: Sally Hemings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson
Jack: [as Thomas Jefferson] No matter, Maurice. l'm here for you, Tracy Jordan. l rode a horse all the way from Heaven to tell you something important. America, which l invented...
Crowd: Booooooo!
Jack: [as Thomas Jefferson] - Which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts. Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan. And may the Force be with you always.


"30 Rock: Succession (#2.13)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: Mr Geiss, I'm so sorry, I just found out you're here. I'd have my assistant sit on his naughty stool if he didn't love it so much.

Jack Donaghy: When will this be made public, sir? I want my mother to know before she dies so goes to her grave a defeated woman.

Jack Donaghy: Why do I smell self-tanning cream and teeth whitener?... Banks!

Liz Lemon: I'm feeling pretty drunk.
Jack Donaghy: Well, it's business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

Jack Donaghy: Couldn't you just inject something right into his heart?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I'd love to, but we have no way of knowing where the heart is. See, every human is different.


"30 Rock: Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter (#4.17)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: [to Liz] This has nothing to do with our slight difference in gender.

Jack Donaghy: What are you wearing tonight?
Avery Jessup: The museum gala? Think slutty Grace Kelly.
Jack Donaghy: I'm picturing it right now.
[Liz walks in wearing sweats]
Jack Donaghy: And the exact opposite just walked in.
Avery Jessup: Tell Liz I said hi.

Jack Donaghy: Dating is like your haircut. Sometimes awkward triangles occur.
Liz Lemon: It feels like you've been saving that one.
Jack Donaghy: Obviously.

Nancy Donovan: There's a Lee Marvin marathon on Turner Classic tonight.
Jack Donaghy: I thought you said it wasn't going to get sexual.

Avery Jessup: I love this restaurant. This is one of the few places in New York with a veal tank.
Jack Donaghy: It tastes better when you pick your own.


"30 Rock: Ludachristmas (#2.9)" (2007)
[Liz's brother Mitch had an accident as a teenager and believes it's still 1985]
Jack Donaghy: Oh in his mind Reagan is still President?
Jack Donaghy: [to Mitch] You lucky bastard.

Liz Lemon: Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?
Jack Donaghy: Well, it's only positive reinforcement when they say it to you. In my case they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.

Jack Donaghy: See mother, not all species eat their young.

Jack Donaghy: [Reaching for the restaurant check] Now, Dick, let me get...
Dick Lemon: Ahh-ah-ah Jack, it's on me. Wouldn't be a Lemon party without old Dick!


"30 Rock: The Collection (#2.3)" (2007)
Jack: Lem on I'm impressed! You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz Lemon: A business woman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.

Liz Lemon: What's with the cookie jar?
Jack: I collect them.
Liz Lemon: Really, is that some kind of unresolved childhood thing?
Jack: Nice try. Eh, we never had any cookiejars in my home because my mother never baked a silly cookies 'cause she never felt we deserved any cookies so obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Liz Lemon: But that cookie jar says 'mom' on it.
Jack: Er, I don't think so. I've always viewed it as an upside down 'wow'.

Jack: Every time I meet a new person I figure out how I'm gonna fight 'em.

Jack: You like cookie jars, Kenneth?
Kenneth Parcell: Well, I guess I never thought about it that much. We had a nice one back home in Georgia. It had a bear on it. I remember when my mom's friend Ron would come over. They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork, and I'd just go ahead and stare at that cookie jar. It was almost as if I took every problem that I ever had and I put it inside that cookie jar. And I sealed it up so tight that nothin' would ever, ever, ever get out. So, I guess to answer your question, I'd give cookie jars about a B.
Jack: Some people have so many problems that there aren't enough cookie jars in the world to contain them.


"30 Rock: Somebody to Love (#2.6)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago?
Jack Donaghy: I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your headsuit. I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novack, it's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz Lemon: Em, I don't think he's real.
Jack Donaghy: [laughs] I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real. I have to look perfect. When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males.

Jack Donaghy: [to Celeste] You know, I thought you made love like an ugly girl. So present, so grateful.

Jack Donaghy: Tracy, I don't believe in soulmates and I worked to hard to get where I am to sacrifice it for some woman. I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant and she does it like her father's a minister.

Jack Donaghy: Tracy, I don't believe in soulmates; I worked too hard to get where I am to sacrifice it for some woman. I don't care if she is beautiful, brilliant... and she does it like her dad's a minister.


"30 Rock: Audition Day (#4.4)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: You are at the top of the pyramid. Granted, TGS is a small pyramid, but nevertheless it will one day be your tomb. And you can't feel sorry for the slaves that built that pyramid, which, again, will be your tomb.

Jack Donaghy: I can't have bedbugs. I went to Princeton.
Kenneth Parcell: Sir, everyone can get them. Back in Stone Mountain, even the mayor had them, and she was a horse.

Jack Donaghy: [At the subway] Ladies and gentlemen, my name is Jack Donaghy, and I have bedbugs. I'm not a drug addict, I'm a high-raking executive at the General Electric corporation, and I'm just getting my medicine. So if anyone can tell me how to get to the four train, I would really appreciate it.

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, we're not just hiring an actor, we're hiring a coworker, a human being, and I say we hire the one who lives by the code of the robot: Care, Love, Live.


"30 Rock: Do-Over (#3.1)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: We're not the best people...
Liz Lemon: ...but we're not the worst.
Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy: Graduate students are the worst!

Jack Donaghy: What I'm saying is: don't dress for the job you have, dress for the job you want to have. So now, Manny?
Manny: Tomorrow I show up for work, dressed as a Mexican Wrestler.

Jack Donaghy: This is G.E.!
Devon Banks: It's just G now, Jack, I sold the E. To Samsung. They're Samesung now.

Liz Lemon: I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them Erotica.
Jack Donaghy: That man can wear a sweater.


"30 Rock: Greenzo (#2.5)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: Yeah, well Greenzo seems to love himself, too.
Jack Donaghy: So does Don Geiss. He sent me a personal card congratulating me...
[rubs the signature with a wet finger, it smudges]
Jack Donaghy: ... with a real signature.
Liz Lemon: Wow. If you lick the envelope you could clone him and then you'd have two Geisses.
Jack Donaghy: Yeah, right, Lemon. I'm gonna clone Geiss, then compete with the Geiss clone for the CEO position? Think it through.

Greenzo: Can you fire the wind, Jack? Can you fire a hurricane?
[leaves with his green cap flapping in the wind]
Jack Donaghy: [shouts after him] We're developing that technology!

Jack Donaghy: Look how Greenzo's testing. They love him in every demographic: colored people, broads, fairies, commies... gosh, we've gotta update these forms.

Kenneth Parcell: Ms Lemon, Mr. Donaghy. I am but a poor pig-farmer's son, but I would be honored if you'd come to a party at my home.
Liz Lemon: Fine, I'll come.
Kenneth Parcell: Super! Mr D?
Jack Donaghy: Uh, no. I could make up some excuse, Kenneth, but I have too much respect for you.


"30 Rock: Into the Crevasse (#4.2)" (2009)
Devon Banks: You know, revenge is a dish best served cold, Jack. Like sashimi, or pizza.
Jack Donaghy: You prefer cold pizza?
Devon Banks: The morning after? It's the best.
Jack Donaghy: Better than hot pizza? That's insane.
Devon Banks: You don't tell me what kind of pizza to like!

Jack Donaghy: You'd ruin an entire company just to get to me? Think of the employees, the pensions, the kittens we use to test the strength of our microwaves.

Jack Donaghy: The automotive company was ran by white morons who were out of touch with America. We're G.E., dammit. We're making a giant, shoddy microwave.

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, let me tell you a little story. It was 1994, and I was ice climbing when I fell into a crevasse and hurt my leg. There was only one way out, so fighting every natural instinct I have, I did the thing I hated the most. I climbed down into the darkness. And when I came back to camp, I went to the person who cut my line and said, "Connie Chung, you saved my life."


"30 Rock: Secrets and Lies (#2.8)" (2007)
Celeste Cunningham: I should never have listened to a woman who tapes her bra together.
Jack: Lemon.

Jack: I like when a woman has ambition. It's like seeing a dog wearing clothes.

Jack: We are lovers.
Liz Lemon: That word bums me out unless it's between the words "meat" and "pizza".

Liz Lemon: Wait! Isn't she that congresswoman who's trying to...
Jack: Trying to destroy this company for allegedly turning some children orange? Yes, and therein lies the dilemma. This corporation has a very strict bros before hoes policy.
Liz Lemon: Wow so you must really have some serious feelings for her.
Jack: Okay if I can't say "lovers" you can't say "feelings". But yes, it is serious.


"30 Rock: St. Valentine's Day (#3.11)" (2009)
[Jack is in a confession booth, trying to shock the priest]
Jack Donaghy: I once claimed "I am God" during a deposition.

Elisa: You know what your problem is, Jack? You intellectualize everything with your big head!
Jack Donaghy: Well, you have big boobs!
Elisa: Which you'll never touch again!
Jack Donaghy: [sotto voce] This conversation has taken an unfortunate turn.

Jack Donaghy: Elisa is deeply religious.
Liz Lemon: If I had those knockers, I'd be thanking God too.

Elisa: Maybe this is God telling me we do not belong together. Maybe this is a sign.
Jack Donaghy: [his phone chimes] Look - my driver just pulled up. *That's* a sign. God wants us to leave here, get a good meal, and go to town on each other.
Elisa: [she slaps him] How dare you say something like that so close to the statue of Santa Lucia, the patron saint of judgmental statues!


"30 Rock: Jackie Jormp-Jomp (#3.18)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: You can't give up now. Did Jackie Jormp-Jomp give up when those vampires attacked Woodstox?

Jack Donaghy: Wait, you're dating one of the dancers?
Kenneth Parcell: Oh, no sir, I actually haven't spoken to her yet, but I have a long term plan to marry her and I wanted the company to be aware of my intentions.
Jack Donaghy: I see. I'll be sure to mention that at the next board meeting.
Kenneth Parcell: Thank you, sir. Also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.

Jack Donaghy: I'm going to Tupac you.
Jenna Maroney: OK, but I have to pee first.


"30 Rock: Christmas Special (#3.6)" (2008)
Colleen Donaghy: Exhibit A: You're cell phone bill. You made a call to 911 at 8:16 AM. Exhibit B: The watch that my son gave me for Christmas. Not the one I wanted by the way. You had just set it before it broke of course when you car rammed into me down in Florida. And it stopped at 8:08. Exhibit C: 16-8=8! Numbers, unlike children, don't lie. What kind of son...
Jack: What kind of mother tells her son that John Kennedy died because he talked in church? Or tells her son when he was voted captain of the diving team, quote "What a great way to meet guys?" Or invites strange men over on Christmas Eve?

Jack: Have I told you about my mom's yuletide boyfriend, Frederick August Otto Schwarz III.
Liz Lemon: FAO Swartz? Like the toy store?
Jack: His family owned some toy stores, yes. So what?
Liz Lemon: Jack, I think your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you.
Jack: Not possible. She didn't do anything for us.
Liz Lemon: I know you guys were pretty poor, did you have a lot of presents?
Jack: You couldn't even see the tree.

Liz Lemon: Hey, you don't know the Post Master General, do you?
Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I want to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls.


"30 Rock: Generalissimo (#3.10)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Oh Lemon, this is Elisa.
Liz Lemon: What? Come on, you're a nurse?
[shakes hands]
Elisa: Yes, some of us are hot.

Hector Moreda: We laugh alike.
Jack Donaghy: We think alike.
Hector Moreda: At times we even drink alike.
Hector Moreda, Jack Donaghy: You could lose your mind.
[they clink glasses]

Jack Donaghy: Look, you should know I'm doing this for a woman.
[shows him a picture on his cellphone]
Jack Donaghy: This woman.
Hector Moreda: [takes cellphone] Wow... I am super gay and I would totally switch for her.


"30 Rock: SeinfeldVision (#2.1)" (2007)
Jack: I'm back Lemon. I've had the most productive summer of my life.
Liz Lemon: Me Too!
Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits. America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than a Dog, MILF Island.
Liz Lemon: Milf Island?
Jack: Twentyfive super hot moms. Fifty eighth grade boys. No rules.
Liz Lemon: Oh yeah. Didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring milf.

Liz Lemon: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.
Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jack: [referring to Jenna's weight gain] She needs to lose 30 pounds or gain 60. Anything in between has no place in television.
Liz Lemon: I can't believe I missed you.


"30 Rock: Cougars (#2.7)" (2007)
Jack Donaghy: A youthful companion is the ultimate status accessory.
Liz Lemon: Well, maybe you can pull that off, you're a man. It's different for women.
Jack Donaghy: That is so sexist of you. To that clueless boy over there, you're a very powerful woman. Technically you're a catch. You got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

Kenneth Parcell: [on phone] Sir, conditions have deteriorated. I made De Marquee captain like you said, but having a kid from Trinidad in charge made the Latino's real mad. And they all seemed to really hate my grandpa, 'cause they keep yelling 'kill whitey' and I'm like 'what do you think you are, alcohol?
Jack Donaghy: [on cellphone] Right, Kenneth, calm down. There was bound to be some unrest once we removed Tracy. They're testing our resolve. Stay the course.

Jack Donaghy: Stop fighting this. He's hot, poor, and eager to please. Just buy him a few gifts, never give him your home phone number, and if you set a curfew, stick to it.


"30 Rock: Gavin Volure (#3.4)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: I can't believe you're out of the game. It's like Picasso not painting, or Bruce Willis not combining action and rock harmonica.

Jack Donaghy: You go to that house and work it like a Chinese gymnast: wear something tight, force a smile, and lie about your age.

Jack Donaghy: Kenneth, just how much money do you have in your savings?
Kenneth Parcell: Well, let's see!
[Kenneth reaches down and picks up a can filled with cash]
Kenneth Parcell: Eighty thousand dollars!
Jack Donaghy: If you don't include Confederate money.
Kenneth Parcell: Four thousand dollars!


"30 Rock: Goodbye, My Friend (#3.13)" (2009)
Becca: Excuse me.
Jack Donaghy: Oh God, please don't be a daughter I didn't know about.

Jack Donaghy: Now let me hear you say the seven most important words in the American judicial system.
Frank Rossitano: My client has no memory of that.
Jack Donaghy: I also would have accepted 'You can't prove that's the Governor's semen'.

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, there was once a great American named George Henderson. He met a woodland ape or sasquach and despite it's dangerous message of environmentalism became it's friend. When the time came to do the hard thing and send it back into the forest where it belonged, and birds could perch on it's shoulder because it was gentle, George Henderson summoned the strenght and by God, he did it. Did it hurt? You bet it hurt. Like a bastard. But he did it because it was the right thing to do... for the woodland ape. You think about that.


"30 Rock: Gentleman's Intermission (#5.6)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: Drive, Intelligence, Humility, Chaos. Or the acronym DIHC I'm looking for DIHC, Avery, and I'm gonna take it wherever I can find it.

Jack Donaghy: Ambition is the willingness to kill the things you love and eat them to survive. Haven't you ever read my throw pillow?

Jack Donaghy: Shoulders back, Lemon. You're not welcoming people to Castle Frankenstein.


"30 Rock: Episode 210 (#2.10)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: [to C.C] You're my new night job and I'm gonna love you like my boss is watching.

Jack Donaghy: Wanna get drunk?
Liz Lemon: No, there's too many phones in here.

Deutsche Stimme: [On television] The machine is mankind's madness and disfigurement. Industry castrates art. The only honesty is in suicide.
Jack Donaghy: I can't watch any more of these German sitcoms!


"30 Rock: Believe in the Stars (#3.2)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, does Kenneth look up to you?
Liz Lemon: Of course he does. Kenneth looks up to everybody. He even calls Tracy's lizard Sir.

Kenneth Parcell: Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying?
Jack Donaghy: You're darn right he is.

Liz Lemon: Coma Naprosil? May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime.
Jack Donaghy: It's very good.


"30 Rock: Jack Meets Dennis (#1.6)" (2006)
Jack: What is your contingency plan for a crap storm of this magnitude?

Liz Lemon: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Jack: Lemon, what tragedy happened in your life that you insist upon punishing yourself with all this... mediocrity?


"30 Rock: Hiatus (#1.21)" (2007)
Jack Donaghy: My mouth tastes like purple.

Liz Lemon: All right, I'll go. But I want a lobster!
Jack Donaghy: Okay.
Liz Lemon: I want two lobsters! Totaling five pounds of lobster meat!

Jack Donaghy: Maybe this is the drugs talking, but I think I got Nixon to agree to come on the show and say, "Sock it to me."


"30 Rock: Stone Mountain (#4.3)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Good God Lemon, your breathe... When did you find time to eat a diaper that you found on the beach?

Jack Donaghy: We're going to find the perfect person for the show down here
[in Georgia]
Jack Donaghy: . Someone who represents the *Real America*.
Liz Lemon: Jack, for the 80th time, no part of America is more American than any other part.
Jack Donaghy: You are wrong. Small towns are where you see the kindness and goodness and courage of everyday Americans. The folks who are teaching our kids, running our prisons, growing our cigarettes. People who are still living by core American values.
Liz Lemon: There are plenty of core American values in New York. But there are not restaurants called "Fatty Fat Sandwich Ranch." Turn here! Turn here!

Liz Lemon: I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.
Jack Donaghy: How surprising that your world view is food-based.


"30 Rock: Corporate Crush (#1.19)" (2007)
[Jack is in a museum facing a painting, waiting for Liz Lemon to meet him there. Liz appears behind him without announcing her arrival]
Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: How do you do that, without turning around?
Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

Jack: I haven't met your boyfriend.
Liz Lemon: His name's Floyd.
Jack: That's unfortunate.

Jack: Well, it's really quite simple: men seek out the company of other men they admire and want to be like. Floyd is me 20 years ago, I'm Don Geiss 30 years ago. 20 years from now, Floyd'll be me, I'm gonna be Don Geis and Don Geiss will be dead.


"30 Rock: Up All Night (#1.13)" (2007)
Jack: [Drunk and playing with the TV remote after bringing a hooker to Tracy's hotel room] Ooh, video games! We could play video games.

Jack: I want back all the jewelry I ever bought you.
Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
Jack: I want the art supplies I gave you on your fortieth birthday and any subsequent art projects you made with them.
Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
Jack: I want all of our love letters.
Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
Jack: I want all of your parents' love letters.
Bianca Donaghy: Fine.
Jack: I want full stake in the Arby's franchise we bought outside of Telluride.
Bianca Donaghy: Oh, dammit Johnny, you know I love my Big Beef and Cheddar!

Jack: One minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then, before you know it, your lawyers are arguing over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz Lemon: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did. But, damn it, I want that box.


"30 Rock: Idiots Are People Three! (#6.3)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: You can watch me shower, but no touching.
Devon Banks: No touching just makes it hotter.

Jack Donaghy: So then he says "They have teeth down there!"

Jack Donaghy: You know Tracy, you and I have very similar upbringings. Greatness can come from anywhere.
Tracy Jordan: And stupidity can also come from anywhere. Anyone can be the next Jack Donaghy or the next Denise Richards.
Denise Richards: [inside an elevator] This room is moving!


"30 Rock: Don Geiss, America and Hope (#4.15)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: Truth be told, I have not learnt a lot about Kabletown. It's a whole different business model.
Kenneth Parcell: My cousin in Atlanta is a business model. She holds up staplers for catalogues.

Jack Donaghy: These are exciting times for NBC. Not Seinfeld, Friends, ER exciting. More like 3-D episodes of Merlin exciting. But Kabletown is a fine company, even if it is from... Philadelphia.
Liz Lemon: Go, Eagles!
[Throws snowball at Jack]
Jack Donaghy: Where did you get a snowball?
Liz Lemon: Philly rules! Cheesesteaks, Bobby Clarke, Wil Smith! Boston sucks!
Jack Donaghy: Boston is the greatest city in the world. Boston tea party, Boston cream pie, Boston Rob Mariano, birthplace of Benjamin Franklin...
Liz Lemon: Yeah, and then he looked around, realized it sucked and moved to Philadelphia!

Jack Donaghy: We can still save this. What did she reveal?
Tracy Jordan: Everything! My addiction to prescription lenses, my attention deficit disorder... Jack, your shoes are really shiny.


"30 Rock: The Rural Juror (#1.10)" (2007)
Jack: Look, Tracy - I can't just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need. You must know Arsenio...
Tracy Jordan: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?
Tracy Jordan: No.

Tracy Jordan: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don't I?

Jack: We have a product we want you to give an endorsement to.
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I'll do it! What is it?
Jack: It's called a Tracey Jordan Meat Machine, it's a duel press grill.
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Say no more, if it's giving people meat, then I'm on board.


"30 Rock: Let's Stay Together (#5.3)" (2010)
[Bookman criticizes Jack for the shortage of prominent black characters on NBC]
Jack Donaghy: Then perhaps you should watch Anthony Anderson on "Law And Order", now entering its twenty-first seas...
[Jonathan covers his mouth and whispers into his ear]
Jack Donaghy: [whispering] Cancelled? Why would we do that? It makes no sense!

Jack Donaghy: In a post-apocalyptic society, what possible use would they have for you?
Liz Lemon: Travelling bard.
Jack Donaghy: Radiation canary.

Jack Donaghy: What about Twofer?
Liz Lemon: I don't know if you've heard, but he went to Harvard.
Jack Donaghy: So we know he's smart and good at masturbation.
Liz Lemon: Yeah!
[They high-five]


"30 Rock: Idiots Are People Two! (#6.2)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, obviously I can't approve of someone I've never met.
Liz Lemon: Yeah well, I'm not letting you meet Criss because you won't approve of him.
Jack Donaghy: Well then I guess this is a Catch 22, although I don't know for sure because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Frank Rossitano: Lemon, obviously I can't approve of someone I've never met.
Jack Donaghy: Yeah well, I'm not letting you meet Criss because you won't approve of him.
Frank Rossitano: Well then I guess this is a Catch 22, although I don't know for sure because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Jack Donaghy: I would like to ask you why Tracy is outside cursing this network with a megaphone.
Liz Lemon: It's a good one Jack, Tracy has organized a protest by NBC with his fellow idiots.
Jack Donaghy: He what? Oh no no no, we need idiots. You need idiots. Who do you think is watching your show?
Liz Lemon: Funky taste makers?
Jack Donaghy: Look at this chart - black nerds, Jet Blue passengers who fall asleep with the TV on, pets whose owners have died, and idiots. You need to fix this.


"30 Rock: Hard Ball (#1.15)" (2007)
Jack Donaghy: What happened in your childhood to make you believe people are good?

Jack Donaghy: [Liz has forced Josh to do 'the Worm'] Good Lord, 'the Worm'. That's so degrading. Are its origins German?


"30 Rock: MILF Island (#2.11)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: You know if you Google the phrase 'class-A moron' my name pops first now, so... step aside Randy Quaid.

Jack Donaghy: So you have seen the show, and why shouldn't you? It has sex, lies, puberty, betrayal, relay races, MILF Island reflects the drama of the human experience and isn't that the essence of art?


"30 Rock: The Aftermath (#1.2)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: I thought Tracy was getting here at noon.
Jack: Movie stars move at their own pace, Liz. We have to accommodate him.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, well, a lot of people are still upset about Tracy joining the show.
Jack: Well, that's not my problem. I have other things on my plate. You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs?
Liz Lemon: No...
Jack: Good.

Tracy Jordan: [Recording new promos for The Girlie Show] Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.
Liz Lemon: That's great Tracy but it's peacock.
Tracy Jordan: What I say?
Liz Lemon: Peacork.
Tracy Jordan: Peacock. Think peaCOCK. Right, Jenna?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.
Liz Lemon: Okay. That time I think you may have hit it a little bit too hard. Also can you throw Jenna's name in there for me?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malvangany?
Liz Lemon: Maroney, rhymes with baloney.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my baloney?
Liz Lemon: Nope.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet?
[end of take]
Tracy Jordan: I think we got it! I think we got it!
Jack: Yep, I think we did.


"30 Rock: The Problem Solvers (#4.5)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: I'll tell you everything you need to know, Danny: never do business with a friend, never be friends with a woman and lose the leather bracelet.

Jack Donaghy: You look like you've been around.
Simon Behrens: Yeah. I've seen a bra or two.
Jack Donaghy: I'll bet you have.


"30 Rock: Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land (#4.21)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: It's gonna be a who's who of New York royalty. The Astors, the Rockefellers, the Sbarros...
Avery Jessup: I know, and it kills me. You think I don't want to know what Pizzarella Sbarro will be wearing?

Jack Donaghy: I can promise you this weekend will be filled with staring out windows while holding a glass of scotch.
Avery Jessup: That means a lot to me.


"30 Rock: The Ones (#3.19)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Being in a relationship means overlooking certain flaws. I mean, somewhere right now a guy is on a J-Date with Monica Lewinsky. Nobody's perfect.

Liz Lemon: [singing] Workin' on my night cheese!
Liz Lemon: [Her door knocks and Liz answers it] Jack? Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.
Jack: I heard you singing "night cheese".


"30 Rock: Mamma Mia (#3.21)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family... when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
Jack Donaghy: Why don't I have any other friends?

Jack: You know what family means to me Lemon? Resentment. Guilt. Anger. Easter egg hunts that turn into knife fights.


"30 Rock: Florida (#7.10)" (2013)
Jack Donaghy: AND YES, I KNOW THOSE AREN'T FLOWERS! They are my mother's vagina...

Jack Donaghy: Why can't we just cut this state adrift and let it crash into Cuba?


"30 Rock: Kidney Now! (#3.22)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Ok, lets cut to the chase. MJ, you owe me. Who got you out of a 20 year exclusive performance contract at Seaworld?
[Mary J. Blige rolls her eyes in defeat]
Jack Donaghy: Aiken, your cousin Kenneth Parcell already promised me you'd do this.
[Clay Aiken rolls his eyes in disgust]
Jack Donaghy: And Elvis, or should I say Decland McManus, international art thief?
Elvis Costello: Ok Jack Donaghy, you tumbled me. We'll do it.

Liz Lemon: We sure had quite a year.
[slaps Jack on the back]
Jack Donaghy: What are you talking about? It's May.


"30 Rock: Tracy Does Conan (#1.7)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

Jack: Conan, Tracy's really excited to be back on your show.
Conan O'Brien: I don't know. He's kind of a loose cannon, and I like to surround myself with people who don't try to stab me.
Jack: Well, Tracy's feeling a lot better now. He's under a doctor's care.
Conan O'Brien: That's what they said about Hasselhoff, then he tried to make out with me during a commercial break.
Jack: Conan, this is important to me. So, we can either do this the easy way or the hard way.
Conan O'Brien: What's the hard way?
Jack: You do a live Christmas Eve special from Kabul every year until the War on Terror is won.
Conan O'Brien: Tell Tracy I'll see him tonight, you black Irish bastard.
Jack: Back at you, red.


"30 Rock: Black Tie (#1.12)" (2007)
Jack Donaghy: [regarding the physical deformities of Prince Gerhardt] Most people in his situation would be angry with his family for the centuries of inbreeding, but not Gerhardt. He's too busy trying to stave off infection.

Bianca Donaghy: [Jack is passing Liz off has his girlfriend to his ex-wife] She's much sharper than the last girl you had. What was her name?
Jack Donaghy: Beyoncé.


"30 Rock: The Baby Show (#1.9)" (2007)
Jack: My mother wanted to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me.
Kenneth: Oh.
Jack: I was twelve.

Jack: Business doesn't get me down. Business gets me off.


"30 Rock: Jack-Tor (#1.5)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: Okay, here's your pep talk. You're not an actor. You're Jack Donaghy, all right? So quit whining and NUT UP. You're right. If you can't do this, you ARE a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack. So be a man and get it done.
Jack: If you were any other woman on earth, I would be turned on right now.

Liz Lemon: I'm sorry, you're saying you want us to use the show to sell stuff?
Jack: Look, I-I know how this sounds.
Liz Lemon: No, come on, Jack, we're not doing that. We're not compromising the integrity of the show to sell...
Pete Hornberger: Wow, this is Diet Snapple?
Liz Lemon: I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it?
Pete Hornberger: You should try Plum-a-Granate. It's amazing.
Cerie: I only date guys who drink Snapple.


"30 Rock: The Funcooker (#3.14)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Lemon is right, Jenna, obviously you can't do both TGC and Jenny Jimplin.
Jenna Maroney: I choose the movie. My face is bigger on movies.
Jack Donaghy: No, I don't mean quit, I mean Liz will find a way to make both work. Am I right, Lemon?
Liz Lemon: Well, I'll have to use you less in the show...
Jack Donaghy: And I'll schale back the movie. We could cut the lesbian scene.
Jenna Maroney: But the Oscars love that kind of scene.
[Lemon gives her a look]
Jenna Maroney: There's two guys in my gym named Oscar.

Jack Donaghy: Unfortunately, legal just informed me that the name we settled on for our bite size microwave, the 'BiteNuker', is highly offensive to those who speak either French or Dutch. A Franco-Dutchman would pronounce it 'Bedneuker'.
Sue: [speaking with an accent that sounds more Scandinavian than French or Dutch] Hey! That's awful!
Jack Donaghy: I'm sorry, Miss LaRouge Van der Hoot.


"30 Rock: College (#5.8)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: [Lemon is telling a longwinded tale] Don't worry about getting to your point, I'm going to live forever.

Jack Donaghy: Look: the display is malfunctioning.
TK-421 Microwave: Defrost. Power. Time left: pizza.
Jack Donaghy: Oh really? That's how much time is left? Pizza?


"30 Rock: Floyd (#4.16)" (2010)
Danny Baker: We should call ourselves something.
Jack Donaghy: What's the most handsome animal?
Danny Baker, Jack Donaghy: The Silver Panthers!

Jack Donaghy: Darn liberal media. That's why I always get my news from Dick Cheney's website, Dicknews.com


"30 Rock: Reunion (#3.5)" (2008)
Jessica Speyer: [Jack has been mistaken for Larry Braverman and goes with the flow] I hate the way we ended, Larry. I am so, so sorry for what happened.
Jack Donaghy: Well, I forgive you...
[glances at her nametag]
Jack Donaghy: ... Jessica.
Jessica Speyer: Really? Even for...
Jack Donaghy: Especially for that.
Jessica Speyer: Say what you said to me that night at the lake.
Jack Donaghy: [reaches over to touch her face] No.

Jack Donaghy: We all know that Liz Lemon has her faults, but no one's perfect. I mean, I'm certainly not perfect.
Keith: [objections from the people in the audience] Don't say that Braverman!
Rob Sussman: You're more than perfect.


"30 Rock: The Natural Order (#3.20)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Have you ever been to Florida? It's basically a criminal population. It's America's Australia.

Liz Lemon: Hey Jack, do you treat me any differently because I'm a woman?
Jack Donaghy: Well, I pay you a little less, yes.


"30 Rock: Secret Santa (#4.8)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: I've been finger tagged, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Was it down by the subway entrance because I saw a gangly looking kid down there?


"30 Rock: The Bubble (#3.15)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: I've arranged for one of Tracy's childhood idols to reach out to him.
Tracy Jordan: Hello?
Jack Donaghy: Tracy, this is Jack, I have someone here who wants to speak with you.
Rick: Tracy, this is Bill Cosby...
Liz Lemon: [whispering] Really? This is your strategy?
Jack Donaghy: [whispering and smiling] I heard him do this at a party!
Rick: ...I want you to come back to the TGS for the people who like the jokes and the things.
Tracy Jordan: Bill Cosby, you got a lotta nerve gettin' on the phone wit' me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette!
Rick: I think you're confusing me with someone else.
Tracy Jordan: 1971. Cincinnati. She was a cocktail waitress with the droopy eye!
Rick: I'm the guy... with the pudding...
Tracy Jordan: Don't try to tell me what to do! Heathcliffe Huxtable, wit' yo' light-ass kids! Jack! Why would you make me talk to this man?
Jack Donaghy: Tracy, wait!
[Deepens voice slightly. ]
Jack Donaghy: Tracy this is Billy Dee Williams, I just wanna say I love your work, it's very smooth...
[Lemon groans and walks out]


"30 Rock: Future Husband (#4.14)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: I'm the protege of a dead man working at a company that no longer exists. You hear that? It's the sound of me being erased from contact lists all over the world.
Liz Lemon: You know what I hear? It's the hug plane, and it's coming in for a landing.
Jack Donaghy: [weeping] You are cleared for landing.
[they hug]


"30 Rock: Season 4 (#4.1)" (2009)
Jack: We'll trick those race card lovin' wide-loads into watching your lefty homoerotic propaganda hour yet.
Liz Lemon: You just don't like anybody, do you.


"30 Rock: I Heart Connecticut (#5.19)" (2011)
Jenna Maroney: Jack, can we talk? One ten to another.
Jack Donaghy: I'm an eleven, but continue.


"30 Rock: Argus (#4.19)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: If we can put an ear on a mouse's back, we can certainly make a peacock immortal.


"30 Rock: Dance Like Nobody's Watching (#6.1)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: Being a parent is like wearing your heart outside your body.


"30 Rock: Flu Shot (#3.8)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Come on, Lemmon. What do we elites do when we screw up? We pretend it never happened and give ourselves a giant bonus.


"30 Rock: ¡Qué Sorpresa! (#5.13)" (2011)
Jack: Where I come from, if you have more than two colors on a tie it means you're looking for a certain kind of bar.


"30 Rock: Jack Gets in the Game (#2.2)" (2007)
Devon Banks: [knowing Jack can't eat meat on account of his heart condition] Here. Why don't you take some of my steak. I could never eat this much meat.
Jack Donaghy: [knowing Banks is trying to pass himself off as straight] That's not what I hear.
[laughs]


"30 Rock: The Fabian Strategy (#5.1)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: Do you know what a prize I am in the gay community? There's a term for it: I'm a bear and I'm a daddy. I'm a daddy bear.


"30 Rock: The Head and the Hair (#1.11)" (2007)
Jack: This year I'll be a page for a day, and you'll be my boss.
Kenneth: Thank you, sir.
Jack: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.


"30 Rock: My Whole Life Is Thunder (#7.8)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: Look, I know she gets under your skin, but you should appreciate this time with her. She's 87.
Jack Donaghy: Thats only 14 in demon years, Lemon.


"30 Rock: Unwindulax (#7.4)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: Jack was right, people don't want an idea bomb dropped on them.
Tracy Jordan: Don't give up! That is not the Lisa Loeb that I know!
Liz Lemon: How do I even vote? New York is going to go for Obama anyways. Maybe if I lived in Ohio I could make a difference.
Tracy Jordan: Actually no, Ohio is going to go for Romney.
Liz Lemon: You don't know which way Ohio is going.
Tracy Jordan: But I do know! Liz Lemon, I've done standup in every state in this country. I know the people of America! I know how they think!
[holds up a US map puzzle]
Tracy Jordan: I can tell you exactly how this election is gonna play out.
Jack Donaghy: Everyone knows that Romney has a vacation home in New Hampshire, but they don't know that he hunts people on that property. Therefore, New Hampshire goes to Obama.
Tracy Jordan: North Carolina goes to Romney. I know, I did shows there this summer, and they are not on board with a black man lecturing them. I don't care if it's Obama talking about health care, or me talking about white butts. They are different than black butts!
Jack Donaghy: Pennsylvania is Obama's. The voting machines there have become sentient, and are strongly in favor of gay marriage.
Tracy Jordan: We're not gonna win Wisconsin, I don't know why.
Jack Donaghy: Ever since Tracy set fire to Lambeau Field, Wisconsinites are strongly coming around in favor of the death penalty. That just leaves...
Tracy Jordan: Florida, the penis of America!
Jack Donaghy: Florida, the penis of America.
Tracy Jordan: Now just like any penis, Florida is very complicated. The Cubans in the South - very conservative. I had a lot of expensive cigars put out on me in Miami comedy clubs.
Jack Donaghy: But central Florida is dominated by retirees, serial killers, and secretly gay Disney princes, all of whom love Obama. Meanwhile, Northern Florida... huh.
Tracy Jordan: The only crowds I could never figure out were in Northern Florida. One minute they're laughing at me, the next they're laughing at me.
Jack Donaghy: According to this, the electorate there is impossible to predict. It's a combination of elderly shut ins, beach bums, bus passengers...
Tracy Jordan: Bus passengers that ran out of money, swamp people, and pirates! These people don't like being told what to do, they just want to sit on the beach and drink. Their motto is "Unwindulax".
Liz Lemon: Oh my god! One person can make a difference, and that person is Jenna!
Jack Donaghy: The next president of the United States will be chosen by Jenna Maroney!


"30 Rock: Black Light Attack! (#4.10)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: This badge is a symbol of dignity, honor, and dramatized 1970s inter-ethnic California daytime motorcycle highway justice.


"30 Rock: The Tuxedo Begins (#6.8)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: You getting mugged just proves what I said to you on the phone. New York is a selfish, filth monster and it eventually gets all of us. It's Ghostbusters II all over again!
Jack Donaghy: No, me getting mugged is New York doing what she does best... calling a great man to action. It's the original Ghostbusters all over again!


"30 Rock: What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year? (#6.22)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: You don't need my advice.
Liz Lemon: But I still want it.


"30 Rock: The One with the Cast of 'Night Court' (#3.3)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: I need your help, We were having sex at The Palace, she told me she loved me.
Liz Lemon: You did it, again?
Jack Donaghy: Well it was quick and in the meat locker, that's ok, right?
Liz Lemon: What is it with you men, you're like you are junkies or something. Why can't you just say no?
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing. Emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack, I mean their self-loathing translates into... nevermind. I've got to get out of this. What do other guys do?
Liz Lemon: Well, one guy died, Scotty Pippen requested a transfer to Houston.
Jack Donaghy: Jack Donaghy: Houston is too humid, what about this dying thing?
Liz Lemon: Where is she now?
Jack Donaghy: Chained to the radiator at her hotel room. It was her idea, she's an amazing woman.


"30 Rock: Double-Edged Sword (#5.14)" (2011)
Lorne: You know, you remind me of my parents.
Jack Donaghy: I find that hard to believe.
Lorne: They were both really intense. They wanted me to grow up to be Prime Minister, so as a kid, I had to win the spelling bee. They made me memorize all 700 words in the Canadian dictionary, then I had to go to law school.
Jack Donaghy: You went to law school?
Lorne: For one day. I was just so tightly wound that I got kicked out for karate chopping my roommate. I know, I'm a stereotype. All guys from Quebec are good at karate.
[pause]
Lorne: Oh my God, where are my manners? Do you wanna try meth?


"30 Rock: Winter Madness (#4.11)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: I'll wait. Not forever.
Nancy Donovan: I'll try, wicked hard.


"30 Rock: Stride of Pride (#7.3)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: There are no bad ideas, Lemon. Just good ideas that go horribly bad.


"30 Rock: Queen of Jordan (#5.17)" (2011)
Jack Donaghy: There is nothing gay about the Princeton fight song. "Oh the merry men of Princeton are charging up the rear, holding all the balls" - okay, I hear it now.


"30 Rock: Sandwich Day (#2.14)" (2008)
Frank: Hey, can you make the teamsters tell us where they make those sandwiches?
Jack Donaghy: Only if you beat them at a drinking contest. It's in their contract.


"30 Rock: I Do Do (#4.22)" (2010)
Kenneth Parcell: Hey everybody! I got fired today. You won't have Kenneth Allen Parcell to kick around anymore. So I'm going to tell you people what I really think of you. No. No. For four years I have listened to you all complain about your East Coast media elite problems, your apartment renovations, and your overpriced Star Wars memorabilia.
Carol: That doorman is hammered.
Kenneth Parcell: I have watched you throw away better food than my family eats at Christmas. And I have loved it. You people, you are my best friends and I hope you get everything you want in life.
[drops microphone]
Jack Donaghy: Kenneth!
Kenneth Parcell: So kiss my face.
Carol: That was actually really sweet.
Kenneth Parcell: I'll see you all in heaven. Have a wonderful summer.


"30 Rock: Sun Tea (#4.6)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.
Tracy Jordan: Well I hope he makes me an 'across helmet so I don't get hurt playin' 'across.


"30 Rock: St. Patrick's Day (#6.12)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: Excuse me, may I help you?
Frank Rossitano: What? We don't use your bathroom when you're not here. I'm Lutz.


"30 Rock: Mrs. Donaghy (#5.11)" (2011)
Jack: Where I come from, if you have more than two colors on a tie it means you're looking for a certain kind of bar.


"30 Rock: Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001 (#4.7)" (2009)
Jenna Maroney: You've created two Lizzes, writer Liz and performer Liz. Performers need to be coddled, to be protected from the real world.
Jack Donaghy: I get it. I must treat her like the New York Times treats its readers.


"30 Rock: Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky (#6.10)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: Kenneth, since you've left the page program, finding you a new position here has been one of the most difficult challenges of my career. And I'm including making it through the '80s without having sex with Belinda Carlisle.
Kenneth Parcell: I know, sir. But I just can't work in ad sales. We have far too many sponsors that make house work easier for women.


"30 Rock: Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning (#5.12)" (2011)
Jack Donaghy: Shh. Shh, Lemon, it's okay. As I begin phase two of my Jack Attack on Kabletown, I've been doing some research. Do you know what the most successful reality events of the past five years are? Celebrity benefits for natural disasters. The viewership is huge.


"30 Rock: Brooklyn Without Limits (#5.7)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: You don't know what you're talking about:
[turns around to show label on back of her jeans]
Liz Lemon: Hand-made in USA.
Jack Donaghy: You're magic jeans are from BDL? Oh Lemon, it's not hand-made in USA, it's pronounced Hand-made in Usa. The Hand people are Vietnamese slave tribe and Usa is their island prison. They made your jeans. You know how they get the stitching so small?
[puts hands to mouth and whispers]
Jack Donaghy: orphans.


"30 Rock: Jack the Writer (#1.4)" (2006)
Jack Donaghy: Beep, beep! Ribby, ribby!


"30 Rock: The Break-Up (#1.8)" (2006)
Jack: Guess where I was last night?
Liz Lemon: Mark Foley's sleepover party?