Liz Lemon
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Quotes for
Liz Lemon (Character)
from "30 Rock" (2006)

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"30 Rock: The Fighting Irish (#1.17)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: [to Jack] I want you... to punch your sister in the face.

Pete Hornberger: Hey, Liz! Hey! You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom ten percent.
Liz Lemon: Uh, you can just tell she is, by her stupid face.
Pete Hornberger: You're a better person than this.
Liz Lemon: Jack has given me absolute power. I am the decider.
Pete Hornberger: Okay, you can't just do this.
Liz Lemon: I'm not gonna just do anything. I have a plan. Step one: befriend the enemy and gather information. Then, use the information to drive her into the bottom ten percent.
Pete Hornberger: Good lord! Your eyes - you look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.
Liz Lemon: Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, Mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours - blam-o!

[at the NBC Fitness Center]
Jenna Maroney: What class do you wanna take?
Liz Lemon: Uh, anything that doesn't have the word "strip," "salsa," or "beats" with a "z" in the name of it.
Jenna Maroney: Cardio Hip-Hop Groove it is, then.

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, come here - you've got to see this. It's a video of a baby panda sneezing. Sit here.
[Liz sits and Jack starts the video]
Jack Donaghy: Don't watch the mother; just watch the baby.
Liz Lemon: Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!
Jack Donaghy: Isn't that adorable? You have to fire ten percent of your staff.

Jack Donaghy: You have to fire ten percent of your staff.
Liz Lemon: What?
Jack Donaghy: We have to synergize backward overflow.

Liz Lemon: Ten percent? I can't fire any of these people!
Pete Hornberger: Who cares? Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife, with those big farm-people hands crushing my windpipe.
Liz Lemon: Everything okay at home, buddy?

Pete Hornberger: Remember that little secret I told you about Hornberger family planning?
Liz Lemon: You mean that you flat-out lied about getting a vasectomy? Don't tell me *that* backfired.

Tracy Jordan: Hey, Liz Lemon: Do you know where I could find a good church?
Liz Lemon: How good? Like, Judaism-good, or just, like, Unitarian?

Tracy Jordan: So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz Lemon: Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Liz Lemon: Can I help you?
Eddie Donaghy: Yeah, sweetheart: I'm looking for Jack Donaghy.
Liz Lemon: And you are?
Eddie Donaghy: Eddie Donaghy - Jack's brother.
Liz Lemon: Really? 'Cause Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is "Donagee," not "Donahee."
Eddie Donaghy: [considering her] You know, you could be pretty if you didn't scowl so much.
[Liz immediately believes Eddie]
Liz Lemon: Tracy, this is Jack's brother, Eddie.

[the elevator opens for Liz, revealing Floyd inside, kissing a woman]
Floyd: Hey, sorry about that. Not super-appropriate in the workplace.
Liz Lemon: No... It's only inappropriate when it's ugly people.

Eddie Donaghy: Wow! I bet Pop's lookin' down right now and saying, "If I could come back and do any broad, it'd be that one right there."
Liz Lemon: [chuckles and then speaks seriously] Ew.

[Liz, talking to herself while reading from her computer screen]
Liz Lemon: Well, well, other Liz, played saxophone in the marching band at Rutgers?
Liz Lemon: Kept that a secret from your employer, didn't you?

Cerie: Oh, Liz? Did you put your check in already?
Liz Lemon: Oh, no.
[takes out her checkbook]
Liz Lemon: What do I make it out to - "Chicago All-Saints Hospital"?
Cerie: Eddie just said to write the initials on the check.
[Liz speaks to herself as she writes]
Liz Lemon: C-A-S-H... Son of a bitch!
[Liz looks through the box of checks; all are addressed to CASH]
Cerie: [helpfully] Eddie already took the other box.

Jack Donaghy: I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Uh, I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.

Jack Donaghy: Oh, I had to re-hire that Liz Lemler that you fired.
Liz Lemon: Okay.
Jack Donaghy: And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion, too.
Liz Lemon: Fantastic.
Jack Donaghy: It's an amazing opportunity for her, out at... corporate headquarters.
Liz Lemon: In Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. That's right. It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.
[Liz smiles]
Jack Donaghy: And you say...
Liz Lemon: Thank you, Jack.
Jack Donaghy: You're welcome.

"30 Rock: The C Word (#1.14)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: [bursts into Jack's office] Oh, hey - false alarm! It turns out she *asked* him to take it out.

Jack Donaghy: Liz, all the VPs will be angling to golf with Don Geiss, but my partner will be Tracy Jordan, his grandchildren's favorite movie star. Geiss will absolutely choose us, and that's a big deal because being in a foursome with this man can change your life.
Liz Lemon: You might want to rephrase that.

Liz Lemon: Hey, Frank, wake up! You're not allowed to sleep through the topical meeting.

[Liz comes upon Greta's box of kittens]
Liz Lemon: [excitedly] Look at these guys!
Greta Johanssen: Yeah, they like you! They're very good at sensing debilitating loneliness in a person.

Liz Lemon: We need to fire Lutz.
Pete Hornberger: What? Why? What happened?
Liz Lemon: He called me the worst name ever.
Frank Rossitano: What did he call you?
Liz Lemon: I'm not gonna repeat it. That's how much I hate it.
Pete Hornberger: Fat can?
Liz Lemon: No.
Frank Rossitano: Mouth hooker?
Liz Lemon: No.
Frank Rossitano: Monster bitch.
Pete Hornberger: Hatchet face.
Liz Lemon: No!

[discussing the word Lutz called Liz]
Pete Hornberger: Well, you know, he was probably just blowing off steam. You can't fire a guy for cursing.
Liz Lemon: No, I - I'm not upset by cursing. I *love* cursing. I love it! But this word is not acceptable - no - because there's nothing you can call a guy back. There is no male equivalent to this word.
Pete Hornberger: Well, why don't we come up with one, and then you can call him that? Like, um, "muncus."
Frank Rossitano: "Fungdark."

[discussing the word Lutz called Liz]
Liz Lemon: The one that rhymes with the name of your favorite Todd Rundgren album.
Frank Rossitano: It rhymes with "Hermit of Mink Hollow"?
Liz Lemon: No!
Pete Hornberger: Oh! Oh, boy.

Pete Hornberger: You're just in reaction right now. You need to just take a few hours and calm down.
Liz Lemon: Don't tell me to calm down, you fungdark.
Pete Hornberger: Yeah, you're right; it doesn't work.

Liz Lemon: [after flashbacks] Oh, my God, I am! I'm a total...
Greta Johanssen: Runt! Runt! I lost my kitten. Has anyone seen my runt?

Pete Hornberger: Oh, I get it. You're trying to be nice now 'cause of what Lutz said.
Liz Lemon: No, I'm not trying to be nice. I *am* nice. I'm a nice person, you bald, gangly -
[clears throat]
Liz Lemon: [pleasantly] I'm gonna try harder. I'm gonna try to be nice.

[Toofer's cell phone rings]
Toofer: Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, Liz; I'm so sorry. I thought I turned it off.
Liz Lemon: No, Toofer, take the call. Come on; this isn't Hitler's bunker. That would make me Hitler!
[everyone looks]
Liz Lemon: What? This is the new me. Do you like the new me? And before you answer, Super Balls!

Liz Lemon: Hey everybody, look! Sherlock Homo is here to solve the case of the gay sweater!

"30 Rock: Blind Date (#1.3)" (2006)
Jack: How was your evening with Thomas?
Liz Lemon: You mean Gretchen Thomas, the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian? What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz Lemon: Well I'm straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.
Liz Lemon: Regardless, I am straight. One-hundred precent completely straight.
Jack: Well I'm sorry if I offended you.

Jack: [implying that mood affects the performance of his employees and that Liz always seems to be unhappy] Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you've not been touched in any way for quite some time. Not caressed. Not massaged. Not even groped on the subway. Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?
Liz Lemon: No. I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.
Jack: I would think that the single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.

Liz Lemon: [feeling jittery before the blind date set up for her by Jack] Hey, Frank! What do guys like?
Frank: Porn.
Liz Lemon: No, I mean if you are gonna go on a date with a woman, how would you want her to act?
Frank: Like she is in porn.

Jack: [running into Liz in the hallway on the day of the blind date he set up for her] What are gonna wear?
Liz Lemon: This probably
[indicating she will wear her office clothes]
Liz Lemon: . I don't have time to go home
Jack: That won't do.
[fishes a wad of cash from his pocket and proceeds to give Lemon some money]
Jack: I want you to go out in your lunch hour and find something.
[pauses before emphasizing]
Jack: in a *women's* clothing store.

Liz Lemon: What do you say, we make a pact? If, say, in twenty-five years, neither of us has found somebody. We'll move in together and become roomates. And even though I am... not into the sex stuff, if it helps you, I would let you... do stuff to me.
Gretchen Thomas: I can't be around anymore. Bye Liz.
Liz Lemon: That's funny. That's what the guys always say.

Jack Donaghy: All right then. You're not a lesbian. Duly noted. I'll correct that on your file. It's too bad, though. Thomas thought you were great.
Liz Lemon: She did?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. She said she thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Liz Lemon: Really? She said that?
Jack Donaghy: Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Liz Lemon: Who's gonna go with me to cooking class next weekend?
Guy at Bar: Well if by 'cooking class' you mean 'your bed' and by 'next weekend' you mean 'tonight'...
Liz Lemon: Oh, shut up.
[he does]
Liz Lemon: I can see your wedding ring. Idiot.

Liz Lemon: Kenneth, why did you play that terrible hand?
Kenneth Parcell: Why? Because I believe that life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.

"30 Rock: Greenzo (#2.5)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: This Earth is ruined. We gotta get a new one.

Liz Lemon: I am so sorry, Mr. Vice President. This all started when Jack...
Al Gore: Quiet!
[holds his hand up and listens to nothing]
Al Gore: A whale is in trouble! I have to go.
[starts taking off his suit jacket as though he has a superhero outfit on underneath]

Liz Lemon: Oh hey, I, eh, I found your lipstick
[hands it over]
Jenna Maroney: Oh.
[looks at it]
Jenna Maroney: Oh, no, this isn't mine. This is Sunset Blush. I wear Tiger Orgasm.

Liz Lemon: Yeah, well Greenzo seems to love himself, too.
Jack Donaghy: So does Don Geiss. He sent me a personal card congratulating me...
[rubs the signature with a wet finger, it smudges]
Jack Donaghy: ... with a real signature.
Liz Lemon: Wow. If you lick the envelope you could clone him and then you'd have two Geisses.
Jack Donaghy: Yeah, right, Lemon. I'm gonna clone Geiss, then compete with the Geiss clone for the CEO position? Think it through.

Liz Lemon: People are going to show up expecting all this great stuff and they're going to be disappointed and angry.
Tracy Jordan: Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

Liz Lemon: Oh boy, OK this earth is ruined! We got to get a new one.

Kenneth Parcell: Ms Lemon, Mr. Donaghy. I am but a poor pig-farmer's son, but I would be honored if you'd come to a party at my home.
Liz Lemon: Fine, I'll come.
Kenneth Parcell: Super! Mr D?
Jack Donaghy: Uh, no. I could make up some excuse, Kenneth, but I have too much respect for you.

"30 Rock: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
Jack: Are you drunk?
Liz Lemon: [drunk] Yessss!

Jack: Alfredo's, 2 PM.
Liz Lemon: I'm not dressed for that.
Jack: You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Liz Lemon: Where's Gary?
Jack: [Kicks down door and enters room] Gary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New VP of development for NBC/GE/Universal/Kmart.
Pete: Oh, we own Kmart now?
Jack: No. So why are you dressed like we do?

Liz Lemon: [Referencing Tracy Jordan] Isn't he umm... crazy?

Pete: Okay, marry, kill: Oprah, bin Laden, and Jenna.
Liz Lemon: What did I tell you about playing that game with people in the room?
Jenna Maroney: No Liz, it's okay.
Frank: Okay, well I'd marry Oprah, for the money. I do bin Laden for revenge and then his own people would kill him. And I'd kill Jenna.

Jack: I want you to think about Tracy Jordan.
Pete: The black guy?
Jack: The black movie star. I flew with him on a private jet to the Super Bowl recently and I found him very entertaining.
Liz Lemon: Isn't he, um... crazy?
Jack: Tracy's had his problems in the last few years.
Tracy Jordan: [cut to Tracy on the news, running through traffic in his underwear] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!

"30 Rock: Believe in the Stars (#3.2)" (2008)
Oprah Winfrey: I want to help you. What can I do?
Liz Lemon: Can you please say "Please welcome Liz Lemoooooooon!"
Oprah Winfrey: No.

Liz Lemon: [dressed up as Princess Leia] I don't think its fair for me to be a juror, because I can read people's thougts.
Judge: Dismissed!

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, does Kenneth look up to you?
Liz Lemon: Of course he does. Kenneth looks up to everybody. He even calls Tracy's lizard Sir.

Liz Lemon: [drowsy from pills] I'ma call you back. I's sitting next to Borpo!

Liz Lemon: [on her cellphone, under the influence of tranquilizers on an airplane, with Oprah Winfrey as a seatmate] I'ma call you back. I'm snitting nexxa Borpo.

Liz Lemon: Coma Naprosil? May cause dizziness, sexual nightmares, and sleep crime.
Jack Donaghy: It's very good.

"30 Rock: Jack-Tor (#1.5)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is to be used only for good like overtipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Liz Lemon: Okay, here's your pep talk. You're not an actor. You're Jack Donaghy, all right? So quit whining and NUT UP. You're right. If you can't do this, you ARE a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack. So be a man and get it done.
Jack: If you were any other woman on earth, I would be turned on right now.

Jenna Maroney: I am gonna get back at them... using my sexuality.
Liz Lemon: Do you have any left?

Jenna Maroney: Yeah, but this is different because I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
Liz Lemon: Yeah. So now you just have to make yourself 10 years younger and Asian.

Liz Lemon: I'm sorry, you're saying you want us to use the show to sell stuff?
Jack: Look, I-I know how this sounds.
Liz Lemon: No, come on, Jack, we're not doing that. We're not compromising the integrity of the show to sell...
Pete Hornberger: Wow, this is Diet Snapple?
Liz Lemon: I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it?
Pete Hornberger: You should try Plum-a-Granate. It's amazing.
Cerie: I only date guys who drink Snapple.

Pete: [about Tracy] So, first you thought he was illiterate, and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you *are* racist!
Liz Lemon: No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.

"30 Rock: My Whole Life Is Thunder (#7.8)" (2012)
Jenna Maroney: Without me, you'd still be behind that light board in Chicago turning bags of Sour Patch Kids inside out to lick them clean!
Liz Lemon: I got my money's worth! And without me, you'd still be doing local commercials for store-brand douches!
Jenna Maroney: Well, joke's on you, because that wasn't a commercial. I don't know what that was!

Liz Lemon: People do say strange things at the end. My grandmother said "Liz! Stop playing with the flesh around my elbow!"

Cerie: Congratulations, Liz. It's inspiring to see that a woman in her 30s can still find true love.
Liz Lemon: I'm 42, Cerie.
Cerie: I don't know what that is.

Liz Lemon: We're talking about Oprah, right?
Gayle King: No, of course not.
Gayle King: She can hear us.

Liz Lemon: Look, I know she gets under your skin, but you should appreciate this time with her. She's 87.
Jack Donaghy: Thats only 14 in demon years, Lemon.

"30 Rock: Anna Howard Shaw Day (#4.13)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Avery Jessup, yeah, she's hot. She was on Maxim's "I'd Rape That 100."

Liz Lemon: You know, there are some things that are actually harder to do with two people. Like, monologues.

Liz Lemon: Tray, I need you to pick me up from the dentist.
Tracy Jordan: No can do, Liz Lemon. Every Valentines Day, Angie and I rent a heart-shaped tub to make chili on. Then we take it to the homeless shelter, and that's when things start getting sexy.

Frank Rossitano: You are no different. You just want to know somone cares about you. Only your case is worse, because that tooth infection could spread to your brain and kill you.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, well when I'm a ghost, I'll haunt you in your sleep.
Frank Rossitano: Then you're gonna see some disgusting stuff.

Liz Lemon: I don't think the anastasia has affectered me at all.

"30 Rock: Fireworks (#1.18)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: You're worried about that guy?
Jack Donaghy: Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to L.A.
Liz Lemon: Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a
[imitating Jack's gravelly voice]
Liz Lemon: "talking like this contest."

Jack Donaghy: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz Lemon: Those weren't jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack Donaghy: Well, they got big laughs.

Jack Donaghy: Good God; Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.
Liz Lemon: [facetiously] Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.
[cut to Kenneth sitting in front of Jack's desk]
Kenneth Parcell: So, Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?

[it is the night of Jack's big NBC fireworks show. Liz, Pete, and Floyd watch on TV]
Al Roker: [on TV] Welcome to the "Rockefellar Center Salute to Fireworks." Now, without further ado, three hours of fireworks!
[numerous fireworks surround the building, growing in intensity]
Floyd: Wait, fireworks... in midtown?
Liz Lemon: On a day that's *not* the 4th of July.
[the fireworks continue to gain intensity and a high shot on TV shows what looks like explosions surrounding the building]
Pete Hornberger: [spits out his popcorn] Oh, my God!
Liz Lemon: [dryly] Oh, boy. That's gonna scare a lot of people.

Liz Lemon: I'm really sorry about what I did. And I know you can't forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment. Like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a country steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one: when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today.

"30 Rock: SeinfeldVision (#2.1)" (2007)
Jack: I'm back Lemon. I've had the most productive summer of my life.
Liz Lemon: Me Too!
Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits. America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than a Dog, MILF Island.
Liz Lemon: Milf Island?
Jack: Twentyfive super hot moms. Fifty eighth grade boys. No rules.
Liz Lemon: Oh yeah. Didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring milf.

Liz Lemon: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.
Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jack: [referring to Jenna's weight gain] She needs to lose 30 pounds or gain 60. Anything in between has no place in television.
Liz Lemon: I can't believe I missed you.

Jerry Seinfeld: [Lemon is wearing a wedding dress] Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend.
Liz Lemon: Yes I did.
Jerry Seinfeld: And it went well?
Liz Lemon: No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered.
Jerry Seinfeld: Another woman already? What did you say to her?
Liz Lemon: [starts breaking down] I did a fake survey!
Jerry Seinfeld: [raises voice in typical Seinfeld manner] You did the fake survey?
Liz Lemon: [raises voice too] I know. I'm not over it! And now I'm wearing this. What is the deal with my life?
Jerry Seinfeld: Are you imitating me?
Liz Lemon: No! This is what I sound like when I cry!
Jerry Seinfeld: I think I'm a little insulted.
Liz Lemon: You're insulted? I'm crying!

"30 Rock: Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land (#4.21)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Three weddings in one day. I'm going to be in Spanx for twelve hours. My elastic line is going to get infected again.

Liz Lemon: I've been setting my standards too high.
Frank Rossitano: Yes, you have. Meet me in the handicap stall in five minutes.

Dr. Drew Baird: Would you like a drink?
Liz Lemon: What goes best with second chances? Ugh, water. I'll have water.

Liz Lemon: Oh, my God. I hate you!
Wesley: Yes, that's the only thing wrong with me, isn't it? And with that as my only fault, how do I rank with all the other men in your life!

"30 Rock: The Collection (#2.3)" (2007)
Jack: Lem on I'm impressed! You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz Lemon: A business woman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.

Tracy Jordan: I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they got food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.
Liz Lemon: I did know that, yeah.

Liz Lemon: What's with the cookie jar?
Jack: I collect them.
Liz Lemon: Really, is that some kind of unresolved childhood thing?
Jack: Nice try. Eh, we never had any cookiejars in my home because my mother never baked a silly cookies 'cause she never felt we deserved any cookies so obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Liz Lemon: But that cookie jar says 'mom' on it.
Jack: Er, I don't think so. I've always viewed it as an upside down 'wow'.

Kenneth Parcell: Miss Lemon, may I speak with you?
Liz Lemon: Sure, can you walk and talk?
Kenneth Parcell: Uh... Usually, but now you've got me thinking about it.

"30 Rock: Unwindulax (#7.4)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: Wait, Jenna's Jimmy Buffet rip off is actually a thing? I can't believe she pulled that off!
Visor Lady: And I can't believe I'm pulling THIS off! Woo!
[removes shirt]
Liz Lemon: Why do you have a tattoo of a seat belt?
Visor Lady: In case I don't get pulled over when I'm driving without one!

Liz Lemon: Jack was right, people don't want an idea bomb dropped on them.
Tracy Jordan: Don't give up! That is not the Lisa Loeb that I know!
Liz Lemon: How do I even vote? New York is going to go for Obama anyways. Maybe if I lived in Ohio I could make a difference.
Tracy Jordan: Actually no, Ohio is going to go for Romney.
Liz Lemon: You don't know which way Ohio is going.
Tracy Jordan: But I do know! Liz Lemon, I've done standup in every state in this country. I know the people of America! I know how they think!
[holds up a US map puzzle]
Tracy Jordan: I can tell you exactly how this election is gonna play out.
Jack Donaghy: Everyone knows that Romney has a vacation home in New Hampshire, but they don't know that he hunts people on that property. Therefore, New Hampshire goes to Obama.
Tracy Jordan: North Carolina goes to Romney. I know, I did shows there this summer, and they are not on board with a black man lecturing them. I don't care if it's Obama talking about health care, or me talking about white butts. They are different than black butts!
Jack Donaghy: Pennsylvania is Obama's. The voting machines there have become sentient, and are strongly in favor of gay marriage.
Tracy Jordan: We're not gonna win Wisconsin, I don't know why.
Jack Donaghy: Ever since Tracy set fire to Lambeau Field, Wisconsinites are strongly coming around in favor of the death penalty. That just leaves...
Tracy Jordan: Florida, the penis of America!
Jack Donaghy: Florida, the penis of America.
Tracy Jordan: Now just like any penis, Florida is very complicated. The Cubans in the South - very conservative. I had a lot of expensive cigars put out on me in Miami comedy clubs.
Jack Donaghy: But central Florida is dominated by retirees, serial killers, and secretly gay Disney princes, all of whom love Obama. Meanwhile, Northern Florida... huh.
Tracy Jordan: The only crowds I could never figure out were in Northern Florida. One minute they're laughing at me, the next they're laughing at me.
Jack Donaghy: According to this, the electorate there is impossible to predict. It's a combination of elderly shut ins, beach bums, bus passengers...
Tracy Jordan: Bus passengers that ran out of money, swamp people, and pirates! These people don't like being told what to do, they just want to sit on the beach and drink. Their motto is "Unwindulax".
Liz Lemon: Oh my god! One person can make a difference, and that person is Jenna!
Jack Donaghy: The next president of the United States will be chosen by Jenna Maroney!

Liz Lemon: I can't believe Jenna's Jimmy Buffett ripoff is actually a thing!
Jenna Maroney: [clip of Jenna's music video] I caught crabs in paradise, and yes I mean both kinds of crabs...

Roger: Hey let me see your bag!
[Liz turns around]
Roger: You work at that show?
Liz Lemon: Yeah, I work at it, just like your mom works at THAT street corner. Oh sorry.
Roger: No need to apologize, my mom really is a prostitute! Hey everyone this chick knows Jenna Maroney!
[crowd cheers]
Visor Lady: Hey everybody! New rule! Drink when someone says something! Woo!
[crowd cheers]
Liz Lemon: Who are you people?

"30 Rock: Jack Meets Dennis (#1.6)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Tracy Jordan: Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!
Liz Lemon: Oh..."Normal"! How... dare they?
Tracy Jordan: That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.
Liz Lemon: What is the problem?
Tracy Jordan: I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!
[rest of room just stares, nonplused; Tracy indignantly does the robot backward out the door]
Liz Lemon: Wow. Talkin' to that guy is like lookin' in a mirror, huh?

Jenna Maroney: How's the sex?
Liz Lemon: Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect.

Liz Lemon: Maybe the musical guest can do some extra songs this week. Who is it?
Pete Hornberger: James Blunt!
Liz Lemon: Ugh.

"30 Rock: Secrets and Lies (#2.8)" (2007)
Celeste Cunningham: I like your necklace.
Liz Lemon: Oh, thank, it's actually a rape whistle, but the whistle part fell off and I just liked how it looked, so I kept it...

Liz Lemon: Well, I will leave you to it.
Celeste Cunningham: 'It' meaning 'business'.
Liz Lemon: Of course. I call the movie 'Risky Business' 'Risky It' because it means business. Lemon out.

Jack: We are lovers.
Liz Lemon: That word bums me out unless it's between the words "meat" and "pizza".

Liz Lemon: Wait! Isn't she that congresswoman who's trying to...
Jack: Trying to destroy this company for allegedly turning some children orange? Yes, and therein lies the dilemma. This corporation has a very strict bros before hoes policy.
Liz Lemon: Wow so you must really have some serious feelings for her.
Jack: Okay if I can't say "lovers" you can't say "feelings". But yes, it is serious.

"30 Rock: Corporate Crush (#1.19)" (2007)
[Jack is in a museum facing a painting, waiting for Liz Lemon to meet him there. Liz appears behind him without announcing her arrival]
Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: How do you do that, without turning around?
Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

Floyd: Well, that movie was a waste of time.
Liz Lemon: I found it moving... my bowels.

Jack: I haven't met your boyfriend.
Liz Lemon: His name's Floyd.
Jack: That's unfortunate.

Liz Lemon: [explaining why Jack wants to meet with her at Christie's auction house] He goes to Sbarro when he's stressed, the New York Stock Exchange when he's horny, and Christie's when he's depressed.

"30 Rock: Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter (#4.17)" (2010)
Jenna Maroney: I could go with you, be your wingman.
Liz Lemon: Oh, you wouldn't want to go there.
Jenna Maroney: Oh, it would be good acting research for me. I'm up for a role in National Lampoon's Van Wilder's Wingman, Incorporated.
Liz Lemon: I'm looking forward to not seeing that on a plane.

Jack Donaghy: Dating is like your haircut. Sometimes awkward triangles occur.
Liz Lemon: It feels like you've been saving that one.
Jack Donaghy: Obviously.

Toofer: I'm about to say two words a Harvard man would never say.
Liz Lemon: "I'm cool"? No, I can't let you be set up like that. Don't quit.
Toofer: I quit!

Liz Lemon: Oh my God, I'm no better than Toofer. Or Lutz with his B.S. Inuit ancestry. Or you, whose dad was in the masons with Dave Garroway. I shouldn't be here.
Pete Hornberger: This is America. None of us are supposed to be here.

"30 Rock: Don Geiss, America and Hope (#4.15)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: These are exciting times for NBC. Not Seinfeld, Friends, ER exciting. More like 3-D episodes of Merlin exciting. But Kabletown is a fine company, even if it is from... Philadelphia.
Liz Lemon: Go, Eagles!
[Throws snowball at Jack]
Jack Donaghy: Where did you get a snowball?
Liz Lemon: Philly rules! Cheesesteaks, Bobby Clarke, Wil Smith! Boston sucks!
Jack Donaghy: Boston is the greatest city in the world. Boston tea party, Boston cream pie, Boston Rob Mariano, birthplace of Benjamin Franklin...
Liz Lemon: Yeah, and then he looked around, realized it sucked and moved to Philadelphia!

Jenna Maroney: So, how was your date with Wesley?
Liz Lemon: Remember that scene in Notting Hill with the party in the garden? I'd rather see that terrible movie five times than go on another date with Wesley.

Liz Lemon: Wait, your name is Wesley Snipes? That's insane!
Wesley: This is insane? You know what's insane? That the actor is named Wesley Snipes! If you were shown a picture of him and a picture of me, and were asked "who should be named Wesley Snipes", you'd pick the pale Englishman every time! Every time, Liz!

Liz Lemon: I'm sorry. You have a problem with the science of Hot Tub Time Machine?
Wesley Snipes: Yeah, not the time travel. It's the hot tub. You don't just turn one on and it's immediately hot. I should know, I've been in a hot tub two times.
Liz Lemon: Well, I don't question everything.
Wesley Snipes: Except the snacks I got for us.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, seltzer and Mike and Ikes?
Wesley Snipes: Well, what did you want? Popcorn?
Liz Lemon: Yes!
Wesley Snipes: Popcorn? At the cinema? And by the way, your food obsession is not as endearing as you think it is.
Liz Lemon: Huh.
Wesley Snipes: It's like being in a Cathy cartoon that just won't end.
Liz Lemon: Oh my god, I want to smash your face.

"30 Rock: Idiots Are People Two! (#6.2)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, obviously I can't approve of someone I've never met.
Liz Lemon: Yeah well, I'm not letting you meet Criss because you won't approve of him.
Jack Donaghy: Well then I guess this is a Catch 22, although I don't know for sure because I refuse to read literature that questions the morality of war.

Jack Donaghy: I would like to ask you why Tracy is outside cursing this network with a megaphone.
Liz Lemon: It's a good one Jack, Tracy has organized a protest by NBC with his fellow idiots.
Jack Donaghy: He what? Oh no no no, we need idiots. You need idiots. Who do you think is watching your show?
Liz Lemon: Funky taste makers?
Jack Donaghy: Look at this chart - black nerds, Jet Blue passengers who fall asleep with the TV on, pets whose owners have died, and idiots. You need to fix this.

Tracy Jordan: The so called idiot community will not be silenced
Liz Lemon: For god sakes' Tracy!
Tracy Jordan: We are legion! We are America! Frat boys, DJs, loud mouth old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp stamp, parrot heads, anti vaccination crusaders, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving!

Tracy Jordan: [voice mail message] Hi, this is Tracy's cell phone. Dotcom, hold the steering wheel, I need to leave my outgoing message. Oh my god, what did I just hit, was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dotcom, this did not happen! We take this to our graves!
Liz Lemon: Tracy, this is Liz Lemon, please call the office when you get the chance. As you pointed out, my extension spells out the word "Anus". Bye.
[hangs up]

"30 Rock: Succession (#2.13)" (2008)
Liz Lemon: Hey nerds! Guess who's got 2 thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today? This moi!

Liz Lemon: I'm feeling pretty drunk.
Jack Donaghy: Well, it's business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

Liz Lemon: To get through it I pretended he was a sandwich.

"30 Rock: Season 4 (#4.1)" (2009)
Jack: We'll trick those race card lovin' wide-loads into watching your lefty homoerotic propaganda hour yet.
Liz Lemon: You just don't like anybody, do you.

Jenna Maroney: Did you hear what happened? I am so upset.
Liz Lemon: Oh, no. Okay, let me explain...
Jenna Maroney: I came in here to shoot these tennis promos, and they had blue gels on the lights. You know that makes my teeth look see-through. You weren't here to do your job, Liz.
Liz Lemon: Okay, well, Josh quit.
Jenna Maroney: Who? Jack's counting on Country Jenna to save the show, but I just want to understand what it is that's distracting you from the one thing you've been told to do.
Liz Lemon: Really? You wanna know what I've been doing?
Jenna Maroney: Yes, Liz. Enlighten me.
Liz Lemon: Jack is hiring a new cast member.
Jenna Maroney: [Screaming to the top of her lungs] If it is a blonde woman, I will kill myself!

Liz Lemon: No one can know about this.
Cerie: Know about what?
Liz Lemon: Pete's stealing money!
Pete Hornberger: Liz's uterus fell out!
Cerie: Oh. I think I already knew that.

"30 Rock: Rosemary's Baby (#2.4)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: [entering Rosemary's neighborhood] Is that guy carrying a gun?
Rosemary: Yeah, but don't worry, he's not a cop.

Liz Lemon: Alright, I need my job back but this is not crawling, this is proud begging like those kids that dance on the subway.
Jack: Of course you can have your job back, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Oh thank god! It was terrible. I went to her apartment. I don't think she has a toilet! I saw my future, Jack.
Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
[hands Lemon a glass of wine]
Liz Lemon: [sighs] I can't end up like that. I have gotta make money and save it. And I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into *more* money. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jack: With my eyes closed.
Liz Lemon: Oh good, because I want to send Rosemary $400 a month for... forever.
Jack: You should, that woman is unemployable.
Liz Lemon: Rosemary said that women become obsolete in this business when there's no one left that wants to see them naked.
Jack: You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.
[raises glass]
Jack: To the future, Lemon. Oh, and by the way, GE has a problem with the dog penis sketch.
Liz Lemon: [they both take a sip, Lemon hands her glass back to Jack] I'll change it.
[turns to leave, Jack pours the remainder of her wine into his glass]
Liz Lemon: [off screen] Hey, what about cat penises?

Jack: Where do you invest your money, Liz?
Liz Lemon: I have, like, twelve grand in checking...
Jack: Are you an immigrant?

"30 Rock: The Aftermath (#1.2)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: I thought Tracy was getting here at noon.
Jack: Movie stars move at their own pace, Liz. We have to accommodate him.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, well, a lot of people are still upset about Tracy joining the show.
Jack: Well, that's not my problem. I have other things on my plate. You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs?
Liz Lemon: No...
Jack: Good.

Tracy Jordan: [Recording new promos for The Girlie Show] Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.
Liz Lemon: That's great Tracy but it's peacock.
Tracy Jordan: What I say?
Liz Lemon: Peacork.
Tracy Jordan: Peacock. Think peaCOCK. Right, Jenna?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.
Liz Lemon: Okay. That time I think you may have hit it a little bit too hard. Also can you throw Jenna's name in there for me?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malvangany?
Liz Lemon: Maroney, rhymes with baloney.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my baloney?
Liz Lemon: Nope.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet?
[end of take]
Tracy Jordan: I think we got it! I think we got it!
Jack: Yep, I think we did.

Liz Lemon: Tracy has... mental health issues.
Jenna Maroney: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!
Liz Lemon: When you hear his versions she was kind of asking for it.

"30 Rock: Black Light Attack! (#4.10)" (2010)
Pete Hornberger: What do you think will happen when she realizes she's playing the mother?
Liz Lemon: We can worry about that later. Maybe we'll be dead by then.
Pete Hornberger: Yeah. Wouldn't that be great?

Jenna Maroney: Mother? I'm not a mother! Would a mother be planning a summer sex tour of Vietnam?
Liz Lemon: You're not young anymore. You can't keep playing prom queens and runaway victims anymore.
Jenna Maroney: But those were my majors at the Tampa School of Acting Tricks.

Liz Lemon: Everyone, I'd like you all to met Tom. Tom Selleck. He's my mustache.

"30 Rock: Do-Over (#3.1)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: We're not the best people...
Liz Lemon: ...but we're not the worst.
Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy: Graduate students are the worst!

Liz Lemon: Please, just be normalsauce for one day.

Liz Lemon: I got rid of all my Colin Firth movies in case they consider them Erotica.
Jack Donaghy: That man can wear a sweater.

"30 Rock: Into the Crevasse (#4.2)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: [Looking at her book "Dealbreakers" in a bookstore window, to an employee] Hey, I wrote that. I'm Liz Lemon.
[Employee opens book in front of Liz; she reads from it]
Liz Lemon: "If your boyfriend is over thirty and wears a nametag to work, that's a dealbreaker."
[Liz sees the employee's nametag, it reads Mike]
Liz Lemon: But not you, Mike.
[Mike takes cutout of Liz]
Liz Lemon: What are you doing, Mike?
[Mike starts beating up cutout]
Liz Lemon: Oh! You know what, I'm going to beat up your cutout! Oh, wait, you don't have one!
[Mike tears head off cutout and pastes it on window]
Liz Lemon: Ow! Blammo! Another successful interaction with a man!

Jenna Maroney: I don't know if you know this, but werewolves only come out at night.
Liz Lemon: Yes, I learned that from the Thriller video.
Tracy Jordan: Too soon.

Liz Lemon: Tracy and Jenna are acting like children.
Pete Hornberger: And like children, they can't be reasoned with. You just put a little whiskey in their juice bottle and wait for sleep to save you.
Liz Lemon: That won't work. Jenna is immune to whiskey, and Tracy is afraid of juice.

"30 Rock: Hiatus (#1.21)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: [gasping at Dr. Spaceman covered in blood] Ah!
Dr. Leo Spaceman: What? This? No, no. I was at a costume party earlier this evening, and the hostess's dog attacked me so... I had to stab it.

Liz Lemon: [to Kenneth] I will cut you open like a Tauntaun.

Liz Lemon: All right, I'll go. But I want a lobster!
Jack Donaghy: Okay.
Liz Lemon: I want two lobsters! Totaling five pounds of lobster meat!

"30 Rock: Subway Hero (#2.12)" (2008)
Liz Lemon: If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.

Jack: Jonathan's going to round up all the cool Republican celebrities.
Liz Lemon: [laughs] Like who, Chuck Norris?
Jack: No, C-No and I had a falling out after I switched to another dojo.

Frank Rossitano: Wow. I never would have had the guts to do what that dude did.
Liz Lemon: You don't know that.
Frank Rossitano: I do know. I've watched seven different people die in subway stations.

"30 Rock: Idiots Are People Three! (#6.3)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: I didn't want him to make fun of you because you went to Wesleyan.
Criss: Wesleyan is the Harvard of central Connecticut.
Liz Lemon: No, Yale is the Harvard of central Connecticut.

Denise Richards: Idiots can do anything we put our minds to. I played a nucular scientist in a James Bonk movie.
Liz Lemon: What can I do to make this go away?
Tracy Jordan: Call my cell phone so I can hear the chicken dance again!
Denise Richards: And I want the video for my new single to play on TGS this week.
Tracy Jordan: But we want you to represent the community! Idiots aren't just strippers or stay at home moms, idiots are all around us! So it would mean a lot if you apologize publicly, since you already wrote mine, we went ahead and wrote yours.
[presents Liz with an Etch-A-Sketch]

Liz Lemon: Whazzup? Yeah baby! I'm here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group of people that made America the continent that it is today. These kick ass people have given the world countless bodacious things like the Birther movement, intelligent design, water parks... No, I will not endorse water parks. They're cess pools of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given the world? Girls Gone Wild. The Golden Globes. Cans that tell you how cold your beer is. Florida. Brass dolls.
Tracy Jordan: Oh I get it, she's naming some things.
Liz Lemon: Listen to me, because of you there may be an Entourage movie!
Tracy Jordan: What's his name again?
[crowd chants "Turtle! Turtle!"]
Liz Lemon: No listen to me! I should give up at this point but I'm not going to! No, you're just gonna keep on riding motorcyles, having unprotected sex, and voting against free health care. You will make the same self destructive decisions over and over and over and over. And you will never be happy. Your job will hurt all the time. No one will make you Deutsche pancakes, or let you break down the jail when you play Monopoly. Oh my god I'm such an idiot!
[crowd cheers]

"30 Rock: The Natural Order (#3.20)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: You cost the show a lot of money with your shenanigans.
Tracy Jordan: Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon.

Liz Lemon: Hey Jack, do you treat me any differently because I'm a woman?
Jack Donaghy: Well, I pay you a little less, yes.

Liz Lemon: It costs the show a lot of money when you pull these shenanigans
Tracy Jordan: Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang. We have a black president now.
Liz Lemon: What do you care? You voted for Nader.

"30 Rock: The Break-Up (#1.8)" (2006)
Jack: Guess where I was last night?
Liz Lemon: Mark Foley's sleepover party?

Jenna Maroney: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
Liz Lemon: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Jenna Maroney: Do you think those guys work on Wall Street?
Liz Lemon: Yeah. I think they're from the firm Date Rape, Cokington, Cheeseball and Jag.

"30 Rock: Secret Santa (#4.8)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: I've been finger tagged, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Was it down by the subway entrance because I saw a gangly looking kid down there?

Liz Lemon: Nope, do not put a hyphen in YouFace. There are definitely faces here, but they are not being treated with respect.

"30 Rock: Christmas Special (#3.6)" (2008)
Jack: Have I told you about my mom's yuletide boyfriend, Frederick August Otto Schwarz III.
Liz Lemon: FAO Swartz? Like the toy store?
Jack: His family owned some toy stores, yes. So what?
Liz Lemon: Jack, I think your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you.
Jack: Not possible. She didn't do anything for us.
Liz Lemon: I know you guys were pretty poor, did you have a lot of presents?
Jack: You couldn't even see the tree.

Liz Lemon: Hey, you don't know the Post Master General, do you?
Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I want to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls.

"30 Rock: It's Never Too Late for Now (#5.15)" (2011)
Liz Lemon: Ew, Julia Roberts in a movie about eating? Give me Kirstie Alley or somebody who knows what she's doing!

Jack Donaghy: Meanwhile, I just got worked over by my Trinidadian night nurse. I made every mistake you can in a negotiation: I spoke first, I smiled, I negotiated with myself. If I had done that in a mock negotiation in business school, Professor Widmer would have spanked me in front of the whole class - bare bottom!
Liz Lemon: OK, but it's harder with someone like a nanny, right? I mean, there's an emotional component: she takes care of your baby.
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, you just had a structural, analytic insight. Professor Widmer would have given you a "Good Job" spanking!
Liz Lemon: What IS business school?

"30 Rock: Future Husband (#4.14)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Still haven't found your wallet, Kenneth?
Kenneth Parcell: Yeah, and I realize I had a prescription in there that I really need. It keeps me from...
[Starts convulsing and braying]
Kenneth Parcell: Don't worry, it's just a donkey spell.

Jack Donaghy: I'm the protege of a dead man working at a company that no longer exists. You hear that? It's the sound of me being erased from contact lists all over the world.
Liz Lemon: You know what I hear? It's the hug plane, and it's coming in for a landing.
Jack Donaghy: [weeping] You are cleared for landing.
[they hug]

"30 Rock: Hard Ball (#1.15)" (2007)
Pete: [watching Jenna film a patriotic song and dance number that Liz arranged] You know, you actually did a good job on this.
Liz Lemon: Why do you sound so surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America.
[turns to smile and wink directly into the camera]

Liz Lemon: Now say 5 reasons I'm better than you.
Josh Girard: You're smarter than me.
Liz Lemon: One.
Josh Girard: You beat me at arm wrestling.
Liz Lemon: Two.
Josh Girard: Uhh, you read the paper.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, suck it. I do read the paper.

"30 Rock: Generalissimo (#3.10)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Oh Lemon, this is Elisa.
Liz Lemon: What? Come on, you're a nurse?
[shakes hands]
Elisa: Yes, some of us are hot.

Elisa: Be very careful. El Generalissimo was once a good man. But the years of loneliness drove him insane.
Liz Lemon: I am not the Generalissimo, Elisa.

"30 Rock: MILF Island (#2.11)" (2008)
Kenneth Parcell: I thought we were friends!
Liz Lemon, Deborah: [in unison with MILF Island, playing in the background] I didn't come here to make friends! I came here to be number one!

Liz Lemon: This place can eat my poo.

"30 Rock: Cougars (#2.7)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: You can't be gay for one person. Unless you're a lady. And you meet Ellen.

Jack Donaghy: A youthful companion is the ultimate status accessory.
Liz Lemon: Well, maybe you can pull that off, you're a man. It's different for women.
Jack Donaghy: That is so sexist of you. To that clueless boy over there, you're a very powerful woman. Technically you're a catch. You got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

"30 Rock: Khonani (#4.18)" (2010)
Cerie: Hey Liz, can I talk to you and Jenna in the office where everyone clips their toenails?
Liz Lemon: Not cool, guys.
Cerie: As you guys know, I'm getting married on May 22nd.
Jenna Maroney: You are? Still?
Cerie: Well, it was off for a while because my fiancé was on a yacht and got captured by pirates. But now, thanks to the A-team, he's back.

Liz Lemon: There ain't no party like a Liz Lemon party, 'cause a Liz Lemon party is mandatory.

"30 Rock: The Head and the Hair (#1.11)" (2007)
Jenna Maroney: How's it going?
Liz Lemon: Terrible. I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.

Liz Lemon: He looked at me with those crazy handsome guy eyes. It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon ...
Jenna Maroney: [interrupting] No Liz, do not talk about stuff like that on your date. Guys like that do not like Star Trek.
Liz Lemon: Wars!

"30 Rock: Gavin Volure (#3.4)" (2008)
Liz Lemon: I guess this is what the kids call a "booty call".
Gavin Volure: I haven't been outside since 1984, and even I know the kids don't call it that anymore.

Liz Lemon: I just wish I could start a relationship about twelve years in, when you really don't have to try anymore, and you can just sit around together and goof on TV shows, and then go to bed without anybody trying any funny business.

"30 Rock: The Ones (#3.19)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: Wow, that is one gay lion.

Liz Lemon: [singing] Workin' on my night cheese!
Liz Lemon: [Her door knocks and Liz answers it] Jack? Do you know what time it is? I was sound asleep.
Jack: I heard you singing "night cheese".

"30 Rock: Mamma Mia (#3.21)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family... when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
Jack Donaghy: Why don't I have any other friends?

Liz Lemon: Wow, okay what about this? Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is 60.
Pete Hornberger: No, that's ridiculous.
Liz Lemon: Think about it, he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead.

"30 Rock: The Source Awards (#1.16)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: Tracy, do you think I'm racist?
Tracy Jordan: No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah is part of your effort to protect our dignity.
Liz Lemon: Oh, by the way, when you do that impression, don't forget to stretch everything out. "We've got John Travoltaaaaaaaaa!"

Liz Lemon: [after being accused of being a racist] How racist is this? I'm going to the Source Awards tomorrow night.
Steven Black: [laughs] Well let me get on the black phone and call the NAACP, so they can send you your medal right now.

"30 Rock: The One with the Cast of 'Night Court' (#3.3)" (2008)
Jack Donaghy: I need your help, We were having sex at The Palace, she told me she loved me.
Liz Lemon: You did it, again?
Jack Donaghy: Well it was quick and in the meat locker, that's ok, right?
Liz Lemon: What is it with you men, you're like you are junkies or something. Why can't you just say no?
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing. Emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack, I mean their self-loathing translates into... nevermind. I've got to get out of this. What do other guys do?
Liz Lemon: Well, one guy died, Scotty Pippen requested a transfer to Houston.
Jack Donaghy: Jack Donaghy: Houston is too humid, what about this dying thing?
Liz Lemon: Where is she now?
Jack Donaghy: Chained to the radiator at her hotel room. It was her idea, she's an amazing woman.

Liz Lemon: [about Claire] She's like a human Macarena. Something everyone did at parties in 1996.

"30 Rock: Episode 210 (#2.10)" (2008)
Liz Lemon: Look at those floors. I would walk all around inside of that.
Jenna Maroney: [Jenna walks in, Lemon quickly closes her laptop] Hey, what's up?
Jenna Maroney: Are you looking at porn? I know a good site that's dirty without sacrificing story. It's by women, for women.
Liz Lemon: No, I'm looking at real estate.

Jack Donaghy: Wanna get drunk?
Liz Lemon: No, there's too many phones in here.

"30 Rock: Retreat to Move Forward (#3.9)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: [holds up two halves of a lego train] Sorry, I dropped it when I pretended it was my penis.
[mechanical voice]
Liz Lemon: Robot-penis.

Improviser: [Reading a slip of paper drawn from a hat] The audience suggestion is "Sling Blade and Oprah on a date."
Liz Lemon: [In a Sling Blade voice while pretending to eat] I sure do like dem french-fried potaters.
Jenna Maroney: No you don't, Oprah.

"30 Rock: Stone Mountain (#4.3)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: We're going to find the perfect person for the show down here
[in Georgia]
Jack Donaghy: . Someone who represents the *Real America*.
Liz Lemon: Jack, for the 80th time, no part of America is more American than any other part.
Jack Donaghy: You are wrong. Small towns are where you see the kindness and goodness and courage of everyday Americans. The folks who are teaching our kids, running our prisons, growing our cigarettes. People who are still living by core American values.
Liz Lemon: There are plenty of core American values in New York. But there are not restaurants called "Fatty Fat Sandwich Ranch." Turn here! Turn here!

Liz Lemon: I believe that all anyone really wants in this life is to sit in peace and eat a sandwich.
Jack Donaghy: How surprising that your world view is food-based.

"30 Rock: Sandwich Day (#2.14)" (2008)
Liz Lemon: [stampedes into the writers' desk after finding out that her sandwich is missing, with a statue in her hand] Where's my sandwich?
Tracy Jordan: Lutz made us do it!
Lutz: No it was Frank.
Frank: Lie! It was you!
[the three of them begin to overlap]
Kenneth Parcell: Stop it! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for a good man to do nothing.
Tracy Jordan: Please aks my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.
Liz Lemon: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin!
Liz Lemon: You'll all have chins!

Floyd: You look great!
Liz Lemon: Do I? I'm pretty tired from playing as hard as I work.

"30 Rock: Up All Night (#1.13)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: [on the phone] Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight, and I can't tell who they're from... No, no, I did read the card, but it's not signed... No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess... Well, that is just... Oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually, and they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!
[hangs up]

Jack: One minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then, before you know it, your lawyers are arguing over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz Lemon: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did. But, damn it, I want that box.

"30 Rock: Plan B (#5.18)" (2011)
Liz Lemon: Kenneth! you beautiful goon! He's not in Africa; he's somewhere in the delivery zone of Federici's Pizza! We can find him and bring him back here, and no more forced hiatus!
Kenneth Parcell: I did it! I saved the show! Now I won't have to go to News.
Liz Lemon: And I won't have to be the world's worst hooker!
Liz Lemon: [scene changes to an alley where Liz is leaning into a car wearing a sweatshirt and a blue wig:] You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling. End of list.

Aaron Sorkin: [Liz is in a reception area waiting to meet with Nick Lachey about a writing job] You here for the "Sing-Off" gig?
Liz Lemon: Yeah. Do I know you?
Aaron Sorkin: You know my work. Walk with me.
[Sorkin stands up and Liz follows]
Aaron Sorkin: I'm Aaron Sorkin. "The West Wing," A Few Good Men, The Social Network.
Liz Lemon: "Studio 60"?
Aaron Sorkin: Shut up.
Aaron Sorkin: Do you know Nick Lachey? I hear he doesn't even let you sit in the meeting; he just screams at you to see how you react.
Liz Lemon: Wait, you're not really applying for this job, are you?
Aaron Sorkin: 'Course I am. You've got to take work where you find it, especially now. Our craft is dying while people are playing "Angry Birds" and poking each other on Facebook. What is poking anyway? Why won't anybody do it to me? I'm cool.
Liz Lemon: So it's really that bad out there. I mean, you're Aaron Sorkin. Speaking of "Angry Birds," do you know how to beat 11-4? It's just a red guy and a green guy.
Aaron Sorkin: The key is do not use the green guy as a boomerang.
Liz Lemon: Did we just go in a circle?
Aaron Sorkin: Listen, lady - a gender I write extremely well if the story calls for it - this is serious. We make horse buggies. The first Model T just rolled into town.
Liz Lemon: We're dinosaurs.
Aaron Sorkin: We don't need two metaphors. That's bad writing. Not that it matters.
Assistant: Mr. Sorkin? Mr. Lachey will see you now.
Aaron Sorkin: [Sorkin walks into the office] Mr. Lachey. Huge fan! Huge fan. I have all your albums.

"30 Rock: When It Rains, It Pours (#5.2)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: I'm actually seeing someone right now. And he's never around 'cause he's a pilot. His name is Carol.
Ritchie: That sounds really fake.
Liz Lemon: I know how it sounds!

Liz Lemon: Were you in the army?
Ritchie: Oh, haha, no, better: Civil War reenactor. Kind of an expert at being shot by smooth-bore firearms.

"30 Rock: The Baby Show (#1.9)" (2007)
Dr. Leo Spaceman: [answering phone] This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz Lemon: [confused] Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Liz Lemon: This is your fault, nerd. Jack is going to kill me, then he's going to kill you, and then he's going to fold us into a pizza and eat it.

"30 Rock: St. Valentine's Day (#3.11)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Elisa is deeply religious.
Liz Lemon: If I had those knockers, I'd be thanking God too.

Dr. Drew Baird: Ok, I feel like I should do the right thing here and tell you that your breast has fallen out of your blouse and I can see all of it.
Liz Lemon: [glances down] Okay, well, I guess we just
[nervous chuckle]
Liz Lemon: jumped ahead to date four.
Liz Lemon: It's not the good one, either.

"30 Rock: College (#5.8)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Oh, why is Toofer in the punishment corner?
Toofer: I said:
[posh pronunciation]
Toofer: 'time to end the charade and adjust my schedule to buy a new vase'.
Liz Lemon: [disgusted] Oh, you stay there, you stay there until you die!

Liz Lemon: You know, usually everyone around here makes me feel like Hitler, but today, I feel like... Hitler in Germany.

"30 Rock: Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001 (#4.7)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: I'm not making this decision based on who's funnier or whom I like best, so Toofer, you're in charge.
Toofer: Thank you. In the words of Tennyson...
Liz Lemon: Sorry, you're not in charge.

Liz Lemon: Frank, you're in charge.
Frank Rossitano: Finally, someone cool is in charge. My first order is to disable the firewall. Gentlemen, we can surf for porn again!

"30 Rock: Alexis Goodlooking and the Case of the Missing Whisky (#6.10)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: Your meatballs are good! Like, IKEA good.

Liz Lemon: I can't be your girlfriend 'cause I'm not an old pedophile.
Lynn Onkman: We prefer the term adultaphobe.

"30 Rock: Let's Stay Together (#5.3)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: In a post-apocalyptic society, what possible use would they have for you?
Liz Lemon: Travelling bard.
Jack Donaghy: Radiation canary.

Jack Donaghy: What about Twofer?
Liz Lemon: I don't know if you've heard, but he went to Harvard.
Jack Donaghy: So we know he's smart and good at masturbation.
Liz Lemon: Yeah!
[They high-five]

"30 Rock: Jackie Jormp-Jomp (#3.18)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: Excuse me, Mr. Weinerslav...
Jeffrey Weinerslav: It's pronounced Wiener-slave.

"30 Rock: Ludachristmas (#2.9)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?
Jack Donaghy: Well, it's only positive reinforcement when they say it to you. In my case they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.

"30 Rock: The Bubble (#3.15)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: I've arranged for one of Tracy's childhood idols to reach out to him.
Tracy Jordan: Hello?
Jack Donaghy: Tracy, this is Jack, I have someone here who wants to speak with you.
Rick: Tracy, this is Bill Cosby...
Liz Lemon: [whispering] Really? This is your strategy?
Jack Donaghy: [whispering and smiling] I heard him do this at a party!
Rick: ...I want you to come back to the TGS for the people who like the jokes and the things.
Tracy Jordan: Bill Cosby, you got a lotta nerve gettin' on the phone wit' me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette!
Rick: I think you're confusing me with someone else.
Tracy Jordan: 1971. Cincinnati. She was a cocktail waitress with the droopy eye!
Rick: I'm the guy... with the pudding...
Tracy Jordan: Don't try to tell me what to do! Heathcliffe Huxtable, wit' yo' light-ass kids! Jack! Why would you make me talk to this man?
Jack Donaghy: Tracy, wait!
[Deepens voice slightly. ]
Jack Donaghy: Tracy this is Billy Dee Williams, I just wanna say I love your work, it's very smooth...
[Lemon groans and walks out]

"30 Rock: I Heart Connecticut (#5.19)" (2011)
Liz Lemon: You wore a penis hat to Princess Diana's funeral!
Tracy Jordan: Because I wore it to her wedding! It meant something to the three of us!

"30 Rock: The Moms (#4.20)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Excuse me, Doctor Aldrin? I'm sorry. There wasn't a door so I just...
Buzz Aldrin: I don't believe in barriers because I always break them.

"30 Rock: A Goon's Deed in a Weary World (#7.11)" (2013)
Tracy Jordan: Ladies and gentlemen of the Cabletown board, I quit.
Jenna Maroney: So do I.
Liz Lemon: What the hell are you doing?
[to the executives]
Liz Lemon: They're replaceable. We can get David Allan Grier and Miss Piggy.
Tracy Jordan: I'll telling you what we're doing, LL. We're finally stepping up.
Jenna Maroney: This show is a disaster. Except for the very moving Todd Debeikes tribute. Todd, we'll miss you.
Tracy Jordan: I know you wanna save TGS, Lemonhead, but there is no TGS to save, and you should be at the airport right now picking up your chili.
Jenna Maroney: Children, Tracy.
Tracy Jordan: Children? Why the hell are you still here?
Jenna Maroney: We knew you'd never give up, so for once, let us step up and do what we do best: nothing.
Liz Lemon: You're doing this for me?
Frank Rossitano: We all are. I quit, Liz.
Pete Hornberger: Me too.
Toofer: I quit.
J.D. Lutz: Mommy's baby quits.
Cerie: I actually quit two years ago.
Subhas: Subhas out. Suck it.

"30 Rock: Cooter (#2.15)" (2008)
Liz Lemon: Oh, so you're the only one in the word that's allowed to make sex mistakes? You had a threeway with Roseanne and Tom Arnold.
Jenna Maroney: That was two years ago.

"30 Rock: Larry King (#3.12)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: You want the truth, Kenneth, you want the truth?
Kenneth Parcell: I can't handle the truth!
Liz Lemon: There is an adult picture of me on that phone.
Kenneth Parcell: Adult? You mean like you're driving a car or wearing a suit?
Liz Lemon: It's a boobies picture, Kenneth, and I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction.

"30 Rock: Florida (#7.10)" (2013)

"30 Rock: Somebody to Love (#2.6)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago?
Jack Donaghy: I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your headsuit. I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novack, it's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz Lemon: Em, I don't think he's real.
Jack Donaghy: [laughs] I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real. I have to look perfect. When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males.

"30 Rock: Audition Day (#4.4)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: The Hornberger System shall prevail.
Jenna Maroney: That's what you think, but the Hornberger System shall devail! Is that the opposite of prevail?

"30 Rock: The Tuxedo Begins (#6.8)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: You getting mugged just proves what I said to you on the phone. New York is a selfish, filth monster and it eventually gets all of us. It's Ghostbusters II all over again!
Jack Donaghy: No, me getting mugged is New York doing what she does best... calling a great man to action. It's the original Ghostbusters all over again!

"30 Rock: Kidney Now! (#3.22)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: We sure had quite a year.
[slaps Jack on the back]
Jack Donaghy: What are you talking about? It's May.

"30 Rock: What Will Happen to the Gang Next Year? (#6.22)" (2012)
Jack Donaghy: You don't need my advice.
Liz Lemon: But I still want it.

"30 Rock: Tracy Does Conan (#1.7)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

"30 Rock: Double-Edged Sword (#5.14)" (2011)
Man on plane: Maybe this is one of those times when on the count of three, the both of you say you were wrong.
Liz Lemon, Carol: 1, 2, 3, never!

"30 Rock: Stride of Pride (#7.3)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: Nerd rage!

"30 Rock: Black Tie (#1.12)" (2007)
Josh Girard: [the crew is playing a game of 'The Dozens'] Your momma is so stupid she thought an iMac was a new hamburger at McDonald's.
Liz Lemon: What's the difference between your momma and a washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.

"30 Rock: St. Patrick's Day (#6.12)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: Don't you want to celebrate Ireland's accomplishments, like Michael Lohan and vomiting into a bagpipe?

"30 Rock: The Rural Juror (#1.10)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: [trying to figure out the title to Jenna's film] Could it be 'Roar her, gem her'?
Pete Hornberger: No, that doesn't make any sence. It's got to be 'Oral Germ Whore'.

"30 Rock: The Funcooker (#3.14)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: Lemon is right, Jenna, obviously you can't do both TGC and Jenny Jimplin.
Jenna Maroney: I choose the movie. My face is bigger on movies.
Jack Donaghy: No, I don't mean quit, I mean Liz will find a way to make both work. Am I right, Lemon?
Liz Lemon: Well, I'll have to use you less in the show...
Jack Donaghy: And I'll schale back the movie. We could cut the lesbian scene.
Jenna Maroney: But the Oscars love that kind of scene.
[Lemon gives her a look]
Jenna Maroney: There's two guys in my gym named Oscar.

"30 Rock: Floyd (#4.16)" (2010)
Kenneth Parcell: Ms. Lemon, a mister DeBarber called.
Liz Lemon: Seriously?
Kenneth Parcell: [serious voice] A mister DeBarber called.

"30 Rock: Reunion (#3.5)" (2008)
Liz Lemon: Even Rob Sussman hated me? He was the first gay guy I ever kissed.

"30 Rock: Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning (#5.12)" (2011)
Liz Lemon: You're getting an island?
Tracy Jordan: Every crazy A-lister owns an island. Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore...

"30 Rock: Christmas Attack Zone (#5.10)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Who hasn't made mistakes? I once French kissed a dog at a party to try to impress what turned out to be a very tall 12-year-old.

"30 Rock: Brooklyn Without Limits (#5.7)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: You don't know what you're talking about:
[turns around to show label on back of her jeans]
Liz Lemon: Hand-made in USA.
Jack Donaghy: You're magic jeans are from BDL? Oh Lemon, it's not hand-made in USA, it's pronounced Hand-made in Usa. The Hand people are Vietnamese slave tribe and Usa is their island prison. They made your jeans. You know how they get the stitching so small?
[puts hands to mouth and whispers]
Jack Donaghy: orphans.

"30 Rock: Klaus and Greta (#4.9)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Well now you just have to hope that it's a girl.
Tracy Jordan: I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled, "Susan B. Anthony," at the moment of conception.