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Quotes for
Liz Lemon (Character)
from "30 Rock" (2006)

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"30 Rock: The Fighting Irish (#1.17)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: [to Jack] I want you... to punch your sister in the face.

Pete Hornberger: Hey, Liz! Hey! You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom ten percent.
Liz Lemon: Uh, you can just tell she is, by her stupid face.
Pete Hornberger: You're a better person than this.
Liz Lemon: Jack has given me absolute power. I am the decider.
Pete Hornberger: Okay, you can't just do this.
Liz Lemon: I'm not gonna just do anything. I have a plan. Step one: befriend the enemy and gather information. Then, use the information to drive her into the bottom ten percent.
Pete Hornberger: Good lord! Your eyes - you look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.
Liz Lemon: Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, Mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours - blam-o!

[at the NBC Fitness Center]
Jenna Maroney: What class do you wanna take?
Liz Lemon: Uh, anything that doesn't have the word "strip," "salsa," or "beats" with a "z" in the name of it.
Jenna Maroney: Cardio Hip-Hop Groove it is, then.

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, come here - you've got to see this. It's a video of a baby panda sneezing. Sit here.
[Liz sits and Jack starts the video]
Jack Donaghy: Don't watch the mother; just watch the baby.
Liz Lemon: Oh, that is the cutest thing I've ever seen!
Jack Donaghy: Isn't that adorable? You have to fire ten percent of your staff.

Jack Donaghy: You have to fire ten percent of your staff.
Liz Lemon: What?
Jack Donaghy: We have to synergize backward overflow.

Liz Lemon: Ten percent? I can't fire any of these people!
Pete Hornberger: Who cares? Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife, with those big farm-people hands crushing my windpipe.
Liz Lemon: Everything okay at home, buddy?

Pete Hornberger: Remember that little secret I told you about Hornberger family planning?
Liz Lemon: You mean that you flat-out lied about getting a vasectomy? Don't tell me *that* backfired.

Tracy Jordan: Hey, Liz Lemon: Do you know where I could find a good church?
Liz Lemon: How good? Like, Judaism-good, or just, like, Unitarian?

Tracy Jordan: So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz Lemon: Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

Liz Lemon: Can I help you?
Eddie Donaghy: Yeah, sweetheart: I'm looking for Jack Donaghy.
Liz Lemon: And you are?
Eddie Donaghy: Eddie Donaghy - Jack's brother.
Liz Lemon: Really? 'Cause Jack never mentioned a brother, and his name is "Donagee," not "Donahee."
Eddie Donaghy: [considering her] You know, you could be pretty if you didn't scowl so much.
[Liz immediately believes Eddie]
Liz Lemon: Tracy, this is Jack's brother, Eddie.

[the elevator opens for Liz, revealing Floyd inside, kissing a woman]
Floyd: Hey, sorry about that. Not super-appropriate in the workplace.
Liz Lemon: No... It's only inappropriate when it's ugly people.

Eddie Donaghy: Wow! I bet Pop's lookin' down right now and saying, "If I could come back and do any broad, it'd be that one right there."
Liz Lemon: [chuckles and then speaks seriously] Ew.

[Liz, talking to herself while reading from her computer screen]
Liz Lemon: Well, well, other Liz, played saxophone in the marching band at Rutgers?
[chuckles]
Liz Lemon: Kept that a secret from your employer, didn't you?

Cerie: Oh, Liz? Did you put your check in already?
Liz Lemon: Oh, no.
[takes out her checkbook]
Liz Lemon: What do I make it out to - "Chicago All-Saints Hospital"?
Cerie: Eddie just said to write the initials on the check.
[Liz speaks to herself as she writes]
Liz Lemon: C-A-S-H... Son of a bitch!
[Liz looks through the box of checks; all are addressed to CASH]
Cerie: [helpfully] Eddie already took the other box.

Jack Donaghy: I was impressed by how you take a punch, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Uh, I played dead for the worst of it, but it didn't fool your family.

Jack Donaghy: Oh, I had to re-hire that Liz Lemler that you fired.
Liz Lemon: Okay.
Jack Donaghy: And I didn't want any more trouble with her, so I had to give her a promotion, too.
Liz Lemon: Fantastic.
Jack Donaghy: It's an amazing opportunity for her, out at... corporate headquarters.
Liz Lemon: In Connecticut? She's transferred to Connecticut?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. That's right. It seems that things are lining up once again for old Liz Lemon.
[Liz smiles]
Jack Donaghy: And you say...
Liz Lemon: Thank you, Jack.
Jack Donaghy: You're welcome.

"30 Rock: The C Word (#1.14)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: [bursts into Jack's office] Oh, hey - false alarm! It turns out she *asked* him to take it out.

Jack Donaghy: Liz, all the VPs will be angling to golf with Don Geiss, but my partner will be Tracy Jordan, his grandchildren's favorite movie star. Geiss will absolutely choose us, and that's a big deal because being in a foursome with this man can change your life.
Liz Lemon: You might want to rephrase that.

Liz Lemon: Hey, Frank, wake up! You're not allowed to sleep through the topical meeting.

[Liz comes upon Greta's box of kittens.]
Liz Lemon: [excitedly] Look at these guys!
Greta Johanssen: Yeah, they like you! They're very good at sensing debilitating loneliness in a person.

Liz Lemon: We need to fire Lutz.
Pete Hornberger: What? Why? What happened?
Liz Lemon: He called me the worst name ever.
Frank Rossitano: What did he call you?
Liz Lemon: I'm not gonna repeat it. That's how much I hate it.
Pete Hornberger: Fat can?
Liz Lemon: No.
Frank Rossitano: Mouth hooker?
Liz Lemon: No.
Frank Rossitano: Monster bitch.
Pete Hornberger: Hatchet face.
Liz Lemon: No!

[discussing the word Lutz called Liz.]
Pete Hornberger: Well, you know, he was probably just blowing off steam. You can't fire a guy for cursing.
Liz Lemon: No, I - I'm not upset by cursing. I *love* cursing. I love it! But this word is not acceptable - no - because there's nothing you can call a guy back. There is no male equivalent to this word.
Pete Hornberger: Well, why don't we come up with one, and then you can call him that? Like, um, "muncus."
Frank Rossitano: "Fungdark."

[discussing the word Lutz called Liz.]
Liz Lemon: The one that rhymes with the name of your favorite Todd Rundgren album.
Frank Rossitano: It rhymes with "Hermit of Mink Hollow"?
Liz Lemon: No!
Pete Hornberger: Oh! Oh, boy.

Pete Hornberger: You're just in reaction right now. You need to just take a few hours and calm down.
Liz Lemon: Don't tell me to calm down, you fungdark.
Pete Hornberger: Yeah, you're right; it doesn't work.

Liz Lemon: [after flashbacks] Oh, my God, I am! I'm a total...
Greta Johanssen: Runt! Runt! I lost my kitten. Has anyone seen my runt?

Pete Hornberger: Oh, I get it. You're trying to be nice now 'cause of what Lutz said.
Liz Lemon: No, I'm not trying to be nice. I *am* nice. I'm a nice person, you bald, gangly -
[clears throat]
Liz Lemon: [pleasantly] I'm gonna try harder. I'm gonna try to be nice.

[Toofer's cell phone rings.]
Toofer: Oh, oh, I'm so sorry, Liz; I'm so sorry. I thought I turned it off.
Liz Lemon: No, Toofer, take the call. Come on; this isn't Hitler's bunker. That would make me Hitler!
[everyone looks.]
Liz Lemon: What? This is the new me. Do you like the new me? And before you answer, Super Balls!

"30 Rock: Blind Date (#1.3)" (2006)

Jack: Kenneth, I really wasn't going to fire you, I just wanted to remind you that I could. I want you back here at six in the morning sharp so you can sweep up these shrimp tails.
Kenneth Parcell: Yes sir, Mr. Donaghy!
Jack: I have my eye on you Kenneth.
Kenneth Parcell: You will not be disappointed sir.
Liz Lemon: Well it was nice of you to let him keep his job.
Jack: The Italians have a saying, Lemon, "Keep your friends close and your enemies closer." And, although they've never won a war or mass-produced a decent car, in this area they are correct.
[Kenneth unlocks his bike and they watch him happily ride away]
Jack: In five years we'll either be working for him, or dead at his hand.

Jack: How was your evening with Thomas?
Liz Lemon: You mean Gretchen Thomas, the brilliant plastics engineer slash lesbian? What made you think I was gay?
Jack: Your shoes.
Liz Lemon: Well I'm straight.
Jack: Those shoes are definitely bi-curious.
Liz Lemon: Regardless, I am straight. One-hundred precent completely straight.
Jack: Well I'm sorry if I offended you.

Jack: [implying that mood affects the performance of his employees and that Liz always seems to be unhappy] Human contact is important, Lemon. I can tell from your stress level that you've not been touched in any way for quite some time. Not caressed. Not massaged. Not even groped on the subway. Do you agree that you need someone in your life, Lemon?
Liz Lemon: No. I have bigger things to worry about than my personal life.
Jack: I would think that the single woman's biggest worry would be choking to death in her apartment.

Liz Lemon: [feeling jittery before the blind date set up for her by Jack] Hey, Frank! What do guys like?
Frank: Porn.
Liz Lemon: No, I mean if you are gonna go on a date with a woman, how would yo want her to act?
Frank: Like she is in porn.

Jack: [running into Liz in the hallway on the day of the blind date he set up for her] What are gonna wear?
Liz Lemon: This probably
[indicating she will wear her office clothes]
Liz Lemon: . I don't have time to go home
Jack: That won't do.
[fishes a wad of cash from his pocket and proceeds to give Lemon some money]
Jack: I want you to go out in your lunch hour and find something.
[pauses before emphasizing]
Jack: in a *women's* clothing store.

Liz Lemon: What do you say, we make a pact? If, say, in twenty-five years, neither of us has found somebody. We'll move in together and become roomates. And even though I am... not into the sex stuff, if it helps you, I would let you... do stuff to me.
Gretchen Thomas: I can't be around anymore. Bye Liz.
Liz Lemon: That's funny. That's what the guys always say.

Jack Donaghy: All right then. You're not a lesbian. Duly noted. I'll correct that on your file. It's too bad, though. Thomas thought you were great.
Liz Lemon: She did?
Jack Donaghy: Yes. She said she thought you looked like Jennifer Jason Leigh.
Liz Lemon: Really? She said that?
Jack Donaghy: Yes, I made her repeat it. I was sure she meant Jason Lee.

Liz Lemon: Who's gonna go with me to cooking class next weekend?
Guy at Bar: Well if by 'cooking class' you mean 'your bed' and by 'next weekend' you mean 'tonight'...
Liz Lemon: Oh, shut up.
[he does]
Liz Lemon: I can see your wedding ring. Idiot.

"30 Rock: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)

Jack: Are you drunk?
Liz Lemon: [drunk] Yessss!

Jack: Alfredo's, 2 PM.
Liz Lemon: I'm not dressed for that.
Jack: You're dressed for Burger King. Should we make it Burger King?

Liz Lemon: Where's Gary?
Jack: [Kicks down door and enters room] Gary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New VP of development for NBC/GE/Universal/Kmart.
Pete: Oh, we own Kmart now?
Jack: No. So why are you dressed like we do?

Liz Lemon: [Referencing Tracy Jordan] Isn't he umm... crazy?

Pete: Okay, marry, kill: Oprah, bin Laden, and Jenna.
Liz Lemon: What did I tell you about playing that game with people in the room?
Jenna Maroney: No Liz, it's okay.
Frank: Okay, well I'd marry Oprah, for the money. I do bin Laden for revenge and then his own people would kill him. And I'd kill Jenna.

"30 Rock: Fireworks (#1.18)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: You're worried about that guy?
Jack Donaghy: Banks is in New York for a reason, and I intend to send him back to L.A.
Liz Lemon: Wow, if this turns into a showdown, you guys could settle it with a
[imitating Jack's gravelly voice]
Liz Lemon: "talking like this contest."

Jack Donaghy: I want you on this, Lemon. Those jokes you wrote for my Mitt Romney fundraiser, they were top-notch.
Liz Lemon: Those weren't jokes! That was an appeal for a return to common sense and decency.
Jack Donaghy: Well, they got big laughs.

Jack Donaghy: Good God; Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought.
Liz Lemon: [facetiously] Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.
[cut to Kenneth sitting in front of Jack's desk]
Kenneth Parcell: So, Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?

[it is the night of Jack's big NBC fireworks show. Liz, Pete, and Floyd watch on TV]
Al Roker: [on TV] Welcome to the "Rockefellar Center Salute to Fireworks." Now, without further ado, three hours of fireworks!
[numerous fireworks surround the building, growing in intensity]
Floyd: Wait, fireworks... in midtown?
Liz Lemon: On a day that's *not* the 4th of July.
[the fireworks continue to gain intensity and a high shot on TV shows what looks like explosions surrounding the building]
Pete Hornberger: [spits out his popcorn] Oh, my God!
Liz Lemon: [dryly] Oh, boy. That's gonna scare a lot of people.

Liz Lemon: I'm really sorry about what I did. And I know you can't forgive me but just to even things out, here is all my weird secret stuff. I have been sexually rejected by not one, but two guys who later went to clown college. I get super nervous whenever I hear a vacuum cleaner because when I was a kid, my mom used to turn on the vacuum to drown out the sound of her and my dad fighting. Which is why I rarely vacuum my apartment. Like, never. I have had three doughnuts so far today. Once in college, I pooped my pants a little bit at a country steaks all you can eat buffet and I didn't leave until I finished my second plate of shrimp. A couple months ago, I went on a date with my cousin. Wow, I am a mess. There is an 80% chance that in the next election I will tell all my friends that I'm voting for Barack Obama but I will secretly vote for John McCain. Here's one: when I was a kid, I used to put on my fanciest nightgown and then I would mix orange soda and cream soda in a champagne glass and I would sit in the dark and watch The Love Boat. Consequently, I have some weird sexual fantasy stuff about Gopher from The Love Boat. And I lied. I have had five doughnuts today.

"30 Rock: Jack-Tor (#1.5)" (2006)

Liz Lemon: Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is to be used only for good like overtipping and supporting Barack Obama.

Liz Lemon: Okay, here's your pep talk. You're not an actor. You're Jack Donaghy, all right? So quit whining and NUT UP. You're right. If you can't do this, you ARE a failure. Josh can do this, and earlier today he ate a club sandwich with the toothpick still in it. Jenna can do this, and she was once engaged to David Blaine. Any dumb-dumb can act, Jack. So be a man and get it done.
Jack: If you were any other woman on earth, I would be turned on right now.

Jenna Maroney: I am gonna get back at them... using my sexuality.
Liz Lemon: Do you have any left?

Jenna Maroney: Yeah, but this is different because I know Jack Donaghy. I know what he likes.
Liz Lemon: Yeah. So now you just have to make yourself 10 years younger and Asian.

Liz Lemon: I'm sorry, you're saying you want us to use the show to sell stuff?
Jack: Look, I-I know how this sounds.
Liz Lemon: No, come on, Jack, we're not doing that. We're not compromising the integrity of the show to sell...
Pete Hornberger: Wow, this is Diet Snapple?
Liz Lemon: I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it?
Pete Hornberger: You should try Plum-a-Granate. It's amazing.
Cerie: I only date guys who drink Snapple.

"30 Rock: SeinfeldVision (#2.1)" (2007)

Jack: I'm back Lemon. I've had the most productive summer of my life.
Liz Lemon: Me Too!
Jack: All of my summer replacement shows were big hits. America's Next Top Pirate, Are You Stronger Than a Dog, MILF Island.
Liz Lemon: Milf Island?
Jack: Twentyfive super hot moms. Fifty eighth grade boys. No rules.
Liz Lemon: Oh yeah. Didn't one of those women turn out to be a prostitute?
Jack: That doesn't mean she's not a wonderful, caring milf.

Liz Lemon: I'm telling you, this is my year. I feel like the show's going to be great and I'm very positive that I'm going to meet someone else.
Jack: Women your age are more likely to be mauled at the zoo than get married.

Jack: [referring to Jenna's weight gain] She needs to lose 30 pounds or gain 60. Anything in between has no place in television.
Liz Lemon: I can't believe I missed you.

Jerry Seinfeld: [Lemon is wearing a wedding dress] Well, well, well. So you called that boyfriend.
Liz Lemon: Yes I did.
Jerry Seinfeld: And it went well?
Liz Lemon: No. It didn't, Jer. A woman answered.
Jerry Seinfeld: Another woman already? What did you say to her?
Liz Lemon: [starts breaking down] I did a fake survey!
Jerry Seinfeld: [raises voice in typical Seinfeld manner] You did the fake survey?
Liz Lemon: [raises voice too] I know. I'm not over it! And now I'm wearing this. What is the deal with my life?
Jerry Seinfeld: Are you imitating me?
Liz Lemon: No! This is what I sound like when I cry!
Jerry Seinfeld: I think I'm a little insulted.
Liz Lemon: You're insulted? I'm crying!

"30 Rock: Greenzo (#2.5)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: This Earth is ruined. We gotta get a new one.

Liz Lemon: I am so sorry, Mr. Vice President. This all started when Jack--
Al Gore: Quiet!
[holds his hand up and listens to nothing]
Al Gore: A whale is in trouble! I have to go.
[starts taking off his suit jacket as though he has a superhero outfit on underneath]

Liz Lemon: Oh hey, I, eh, I found your lipstick
[hands it over]
Jenna Maroney: Oh.
[looks at it]
Jenna Maroney: Oh, no, this isn't mine. This is Sunset Blush. I wear Tiger Orgasm.

Liz Lemon: Yeah, well Greenzo seems to love himself, too.
Jack Donaghy: So does Don Geiss. He sent me a personal card congratulating me...
[rubs the signature with a wet finger, it smudges]
Jack Donaghy: ... with a real signature.
Liz Lemon: Wow. If you lick the envelope you could clone him and then you'd have two Geisses.
Jack Donaghy: Yeah, right, Lemon. I'm gonna clone Geiss, then compete with the Geiss clone for the CEO position? Think it through.

"30 Rock: Jack Meets Dennis (#1.6)" (2006)

Liz Lemon: Okay, very funny. You bought a pager from Dennis. Will you take it off now, please?
Jack: Oh, I can't. I'm expecting a call from 1983.

Tracy Jordan: Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!
Liz Lemon: Oh...”Normal"! How... dare they?
Tracy Jordan: That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.
Liz Lemon: What is the problem?
Tracy Jordan: I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!
[rest of room just stares, nonplused; Tracy indignantly does the robot backward out the door]
Liz Lemon: Wow. Talkin' to that guy is like lookin' in a mirror, huh?

Jenna Maroney: How's the sex?
Liz Lemon: Fast and only on Saturdays. It's perfect.

Liz Lemon: Maybe the musical guest can do some extra songs this week. Who is it?
Pete Hornberger: James Blunt!
Liz Lemon: Ugh.

"30 Rock: Corporate Crush (#1.19)" (2007)

[Jack is in a museum facing a painting, waiting for Liz Lemon to meet him there. Liz appears behind him without announcing her arrival]
Jack: You've been avoiding me, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: How do you do that, without turning around?
Jack: To be perfectly honest, the first couple of people I did that to were not you, but... here we are.

Floyd: Well, that movie was a waste of time.
Liz Lemon: I found it moving... my bowels.

Jack: I haven't met your boyfriend.
Liz Lemon: His name's Floyd.
Jack: That's unfortunate.

Liz Lemon: [explaining why Jack wants to meet with her at Christie's auction house] He goes to Sbarro when he's stressed, the New York Stock Exchange when he's horny, and Christie's when he's depressed.

"30 Rock: Succession (#2.13)" (2008)

Liz Lemon: Hey nerds! Guess who's got 2 thumbs, speaks limited French, and hasn't cried once today?

Liz Lemon: I'm feeling pretty drunk.
Jack Donaghy: Well, it's business drunk, it's like rich drunk. Either way, it's legal to drive.

Liz Lemon: To get through it I pretended he was a sandwich.

"30 Rock: The Aftermath (#1.2)" (2006)

Liz Lemon: I thought Tracy was getting here at noon.
Jack: Movie stars move at their own pace, Liz. We have to accommodate him.
Liz Lemon: Yeah, well, a lot of people are still upset about Tracy joining the show.
Jack: Well, that's not my problem. I have other things on my plate. You hear about that chemical factory explosion outside of Colorado Springs?
Liz Lemon: No...
Jack: Good.

Tracy Jordan: [Recording new promos for The Girlie Show] Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.
Liz Lemon: That's great Tracy but it's peacock.
Tracy Jordan: What I say?
Liz Lemon: Peacork.
Tracy Jordan: Peacock. Think peaCOCK. Right, Jenna?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.
Liz Lemon: Okay. That time I think you may have hit it a little bit too hard. Also can you throw Jenna's name in there for me?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malvangany?
Liz Lemon: Maroney, rhymes with baloney.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my baloney?
Liz Lemon: Nope.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet?
[end of take]
Tracy Jordan: I think we got it! I think we got it!
Jack: Yep, I think we did.

Liz Lemon: Tracy has... mental health issues.
Jenna Maroney: He bit Dakota Fanning on the face!
Liz Lemon: When you hear his versions she was kind of asking for it.

"30 Rock: The Collection (#2.3)" (2007)

Jack: Lem on I'm impressed! You're beginning to think like a businessman.
Liz Lemon: A business woman.
Jack: I don't think that's a word.

Tracy Jordan: I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they got food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.
Liz Lemon: I did know that, yeah.

Liz Lemon: What's with the cookie jar?
Jack: I collect them.
Liz Lemon: Really, is that some kind of unresolved childhood thing?
Jack: Nice try. Eh, we never had any cookiejars in my home because my mother never baked a silly cookies 'cause she never felt we deserved any cookies so obviously it has nothing to do with my childhood.
Liz Lemon: But that cookie jar says 'mom' on it.
Jack: Er, I don't think so. I've always viewed it as an upside down 'wow'.

"30 Rock: Mama Mia (#3.21)" (2009)

Liz Lemon: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family... when a child doesn't see his father enough, he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.
Jack Donaghy: Why don't I have any other friends?

Liz Lemon: Look, Jack, I don't have a lot of personal life experience, but if I have learned anything from my Sims family, when a child doesn't see his father enough he starts to jump up and down, and then his mood level will drop until he pees himself.

Liz Lemon: Wow, okay what about this? Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is 60.
Pete Hornberger: No, that's ridiculous.
Liz Lemon: Think about it, he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead.

"30 Rock: Believe in the Stars (#3.2)" (2008)

Oprah Winfrey: I want to help you. What can I do?
Liz Lemon: Can you please say "Please welcome Liz Lemoooooooon!"
Oprah Winfrey: No.

Liz Lemon: [dressed up as Princess Leia] I don't think its fair for me to be a juror, because I can read people's thougts.
Judge: Dismissed!

Jack Donaghy: Lemon, does Kenneth look up to you?
Liz Lemon: Of course he does. Kenneth looks up to everybody. He even calls Tracy's lizard Sir.

"30 Rock: Subway Hero (#2.12)" (2008)

Liz Lemon: If reality TV has taught us anything, it's that you can't keep people with no shame down.

Jack: Jonathan's going to round up all the cool Republican celebrities.
Liz Lemon: [laughs] Like who, Chuck Norris?
Jack: No, C-No and I had a falling out after I switched to another dojo.

Frank Rossitano: Wow. I never would have had the guts to do what that dude did.
Liz Lemon: You don't know that.
Frank Rossitano: I do know. I've watched seven different people die in subway stations.

"30 Rock: The Break-Up (#1.8)" (2006)

Jack: Guess where I was last night?
Liz Lemon: Mark Foley's sleepover party?

Jenna Maroney: That guy wanted to buy you a drink!
Liz Lemon: Really? But I already have a drink. Do you think he'd buy me mozzarella sticks?

Jenna Maroney: Do you think those guys work on Wall Street?
Liz Lemon: Yeah. I think they're from the firm Date Rape, Cokington, Cheeseball and Jag.

"30 Rock: Christmas Special (#3.6)" (2008)

Jack: Have I told you about my mom's yuletide boyfriend, Frederick August Otto Schwarz III.
Liz Lemon: FAO Swartz? Like the toy store?
Jack: His family owned some toy stores, yes. So what?
Liz Lemon: Jack, I think your mother put out on Christmas to get you kids presents. She did it for you.
Jack: Not possible. She didn't do anything for us.
Liz Lemon: I know you guys were pretty poor, did you have a lot of presents?
Jack: You couldn't even see the tree.

Liz Lemon: Hey, you don't know the Post Master General, do you?
Jack: I do, but we had a falling out over the Jerry Garcia stamp. I mean, if I want to lick a hippie, I'll just return Joan Baez's phone calls.

"30 Rock: Rosemary's Baby (#2.4)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: [entering Rosemary's neighborhood] Is that guy carrying a gun?
Rosemary: Yeah, but don't worry, he's not a cop.

Liz Lemon: Alright, I need my job back but this is not crawling, this is proud begging like those kids that dance on the subway.
Jack: Of course you can have your job back, Lemon.
Liz Lemon: Oh thank god! It was terrible. I went to her apartment. I don't think she has a toilet! I saw my future, Jack.
Jack: Never go with a hippie to a second location.
[hands Lemon a glass of wine]
Liz Lemon: [sighs] I can't end up like that. I have gotta make money and save it. And I have to do that thing that rich people do where they turn money into *more* money. Can you teach me how to do that?
Jack: With my eyes closed.
Liz Lemon: Oh good, because I want to send Rosemary $400 a month for... forever.
Jack: You should, that woman is unemployable.
Liz Lemon: Rosemary said that women become obsolete in this business when there's no one left that wants to see them naked.
Jack: You make enough money, you can pay people to look at you naked.
[raises glass]
Jack: To the future, Lemon. Oh, and by the way, GE has a problem with the dog penis sketch.
Liz Lemon: [they both take a sip, Lemon hands her glass back to Jack] I'll change it.
[turns to leave, Jack pours the remainder of her wine into his glass]
Liz Lemon: [off screen] Hey, what about cat penises?

"30 Rock: MILF Island (#2.11)" (2008)

Kenneth Parcell: I thought we were friends!
Liz Lemon, Deborah: [in unison with MILF Island, playing in the background] I didn't come here to make friends! I came here to be number one!

Liz Lemon: This place can eat my poo.

"30 Rock: Cougars (#2.7)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: You can't be gay for one person. Unless you're a lady. And you meet Ellen.

Jack Donaghy: A youthful companion is the ultimate status accessory.
Liz Lemon: Well, maybe you can pull that off, you're a man. It's different for women.
Jack Donaghy: That is so sexist of you. To that clueless boy over there, you're a very powerful woman. Technically you're a catch. You got money, status, naturally thick hair, a decent set.

"30 Rock: The Head and the Hair (#1.11)" (2007)

Jenna Maroney: How's it going?
Liz Lemon: Terrible. I just want to go home and watch that show about midgets and eat a block of cheese.

Liz Lemon: He looked at me with those crazy handsome guy eyes. It was like the Death Star tractor beam when the Falcon ...
Jenna Maroney: [interrupting] No Liz, do not talk about stuff like that on your date. Guys like that do not like Star Trek.
Liz Lemon: Wars!

"30 Rock: The Source Awards (#1.16)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: Tracy, do you think I'm racist?
Tracy Jordan: No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah is part of your effort to protect our dignity.
Liz Lemon: Oh, by the way, when you do that impression, don't forget to stretch everything out. "We've got John Travoltaaaaaaaaa!"

Liz Lemon: [after being accused of being a racist] How racist is this? I'm going to the Source Awards tomorrow night.
Steven Black: [laughs] Well let me get on the black phone and call the NAACP, so they can send you your medal right now.

"30 Rock: The One with the Cast of 'Night Court' (#3.3)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: I need your help, We were having sex at The Palace, she told me she loved me.
Liz Lemon: You did it, again?
Jack Donaghy: Well it was quick and in the meat locker, that's ok, right?
Liz Lemon: What is it with you men, you're like you are junkies or something. Why can't you just say no?
Jack Donaghy: Lemon, let me explain something to you that you could have no way of knowing. Emotionally unstable women are fantastic in the sack, I mean their self-loathing translates into... nevermind. I've got to get out of this. What do other guys do?
Liz Lemon: Well, one guy died, Scotty Pippen requested a transfer to Houston.
Jack Donaghy: Jack Donaghy: Houston is too humid, what about this dying thing?
Liz Lemon: Where is she now?
Jack Donaghy: Chained to the radiator at her hotel room. It was her idea, she's an amazing woman.

Liz Lemon: [about Claire] She's like a human Macarena. Something everyone did at parties in 1996.

"30 Rock: Episode 210 (#2.10)" (2008)

Liz Lemon: Look at those floors. I would walk all around inside of that.
Jenna Maroney: [Jenna walks in, Lemon quickly closes her laptop] Hey, what's up?
Jenna Maroney: Are you looking at porn? I know a good site that's dirty without sacrificing story. It's by women, for women.
Liz Lemon: No, I'm looking at real estate.

Jack Donaghy: Wanna get drunk?
Liz Lemon: No, there's too many phones in here.

"30 Rock: Tracy Does Conan (#1.7)" (2006)

Jack: We'll get to your problem in a minute. Have you had a chance to think of my zinger?
Liz Lemon: [exasperated] "Well, it's almost Thanksgiving, everybody, and I know what this crowd's giving thanks for: estate tax reform!"
Jack: HAHAHAA! That is terrific! I really enjoyed that. But do you think it's too topical? Damn, I wish this event were tonight.
Liz Lemon: It's not tonight? When is it?
Jack: February.
Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after 6! What am I, a farmer?

Liz Lemon: Why are you wearing a tux?
Jack: It's after six. What am I, a farmer?

"30 Rock: Secrets and Lies (#2.8)" (2007)

Celeste Cunningham: I like your necklace.
Liz Lemon: Oh, thank, it's actually a rape whistle, but the whistle part fell off and I just liked how it looked, so I kept it...

Liz Lemon: Well, I will leave you to it.
Celeste Cunningham: 'It' meaning 'business'.
Liz Lemon: Of course. I call the movie 'Risky Business' 'Risky It' because it means business. Lemon out.

"30 Rock: Hiatus (#1.21)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: [gasping at Dr. Spaceman covered in blood] Ah!
Dr. Leo Spaceman: What? This? No, no. I was at a costume party earlier this evening, and the hostess's dog attacked me so... I had to stab it.

Liz Lemon: [to Kenneth] I will cut you open like a Tauntaun.

"30 Rock: Up All Night (#1.13)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: [on the phone] Hi, my name is Liz Lemon and I received flowers from your shop tonight, and I can't tell who they're from... No, no, I did read the card, but it's not signed... No, I'm not with so many men that it's impossible for me to guess... Well, that is just... Oh, well, you know what? I found the card, actually, and they're from your mom, so tell your gay mom I said thanks!
[hangs up]

Jack: One minute you're newlyweds, making love on the floor of the Concorde. Then, before you know it, your lawyers are arguing over who gets to keep the box your dog defecates in.
Liz Lemon: You taught your dog to poop in a box?
Jack: Bianca did. But, damn it, I want that box.

"30 Rock: The Baby Show (#1.9)" (2007)

Dr. Leo Spaceman: [answering phone] This is Dr. Leo Spaceman.
Liz Lemon: [confused] Oh, hi. I'm sorry, I got this number under fertility in the Writers Guild Health Manual?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I'm also listed under meth addiction and child psychiatry. So, what can I help you with? I should start by saying that I can't personally help you conceive. Something happened to me while scuba diving.

Liz Lemon: This is your fault, nerd. Jack is going to kill me, then he's going to kill you, and then he's going to fold us into a pizza and eat it.

"30 Rock: Ludachristmas (#2.9)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: Nice to have some positive reinforcement, isn't it?
Jack Donaghy: Well, it's only positive reinforcement when they say it to you. In my case they're just stating the facts. I do look like the Arrow shirt man, I did lace up my skates professionally and I did do a fabulous job finishing my muffin.

"30 Rock: Hard Ball (#1.15)" (2007)

Pete: [watching Jenna film a patriotic song and dance number that Liz arranged] You know, you actually did a good job on this.
Liz Lemon: Why do you sound so surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America.
[turns to smile directly into the camera]

"30 Rock: Flu Shot (#3.8)" (2009)

Dr. Spaceman: If you want a shot you're gonna have to dance for it.
Liz Lemon: Liz dances
Dr. Spaceman: Very nice.

"30 Rock: Gavin Volure (#3.4)" (2008)

Liz Lemon: I guess this is what the kids call a "booty call".
Gavin Volure: I haven't been outside since 1984, and even I know the kids don't call it that anymore.

"30 Rock: Cooter (#2.15)" (2008)

Liz Lemon: Oh, so you're the only one in the word that's allowed to make sex mistakes? You had a threeway with Roseanne and Tom Arnold.
Jenna Maroney: That was two years ago.

"30 Rock: Somebody to Love (#2.6)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: Didn't you just get a haircut two days ago?
Jack Donaghy: I get my hair cut every two days. After all, your hair is your headsuit. I'm going to a party tonight honoring Robert Novack, it's being thrown by John McCain and Jack Bauer.
Liz Lemon: Em, I don't think he's real.
Jack Donaghy: [laughs] I assure you, Lemon, John McCain is very real. I have to look perfect. When it comes to hair, no one is more bitchy than conservative males.

"30 Rock: Do-Over (#3.1)" (2008)

Jack Donaghy: We're not the best people...
Liz Lemon: ...but we're not the worst.
Liz Lemon, Jack Donaghy: Graduate students are the worst!

"30 Rock: Sandwich Day (#2.14)" (2008)

Liz Lemon: [stampedes into the writers' desk after finding out that her sandwich is missing, with a statue in her hand] Where's my sandwich?
Tracy Jordan: Lutz made us do it!
Lutz: No it was Frank.
Frank: Lie! It was you!
[the three of them begin to overlap]
Kenneth Parcell: Stop it! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for a good man to do nothing.
Tracy Jordan: Please aks my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.
Liz Lemon: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin!
[shouting]
Liz Lemon: You'll all have chins!

"30 Rock: Black Tie (#1.12)" (2007)

Josh Girard: The crew is playing a game of 'The Dozens' Your momma is so stupid she thought an iMac was a new hamburger at McDonald's.
Liz Lemon: What's the difference between your momma and a washing machine? When I drop a load in the washing machine it doesn't follow me around for a week.

"30 Rock: The Rural Juror (#1.10)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: [trying to figure out the title to Jenna's film] Could it be 'Roar her, gem her'?
Pete Hornberger: No, that doesn't make any sence. It's got to be 'Oral Germ Whore'.

"30 Rock: Reunion (#3.5)" (2009)

Liz Lemon: [Liz] After first refusing to go on stage but changes mind after being offered a $50 gift card to Outback Steak House trance- like- I want to go to there.

"30 Rock: The Natural Order (#3.20)" (2009)

Liz Lemon: You cost the show a lot of money with your shenanigans.
Tracy Jordan: Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon.