Leonard Hofstadter
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Leonard Hofstadter (Character)
from "The Big Bang Theory" (2007)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"The Big Bang Theory: Pilot (#1.1)" (2007)
Sheldon: But then some poor woman is going to pin her hopes on my sperm, what if she winds up with a toddler that doesn't know if he should use an integral or a differential to solve for the area under a curve?
Leonard: I'm sure she'll still love him.
Sheldon: I wouldn't.

Leonard: So, tell us about you.
Penny: Um, me? Okay - I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Sheldon: Yes - it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Penny: [stares at Sheldon in utter confusion] Participateinthewhat?
Leonard: [scrambling to save face] I think what Sheldon is trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Penny: Oh, yeah - lot of people think I'm a water sign.

Wolowitz: Bonne Douche!
Penny: I'm sorry?
Wolowitz: It's French for "Good shower". It's a sentiment I can express in six languages.
Leonard: Save it for your blog, Howard.

Leonard: Should we have invited her for lunch?
Sheldon: No, we're gonna start season two of Battlestar Galactica.
Leonard: We already watched the season two DVDs.
Sheldon: Not with commentary.

Leonard: Come on! We have a combined IQ of 360 we should be able to figure out how to get into a stupid building.
[two girls selling cookies ring every bell, the door opens]
Sheldon: What do you think their combined IQ is?

Leonard: [discussing Sheldon's work] At least I didn't have to invent 26 dimensions just to make the math come out.
Sheldon: I didn't invent them. They're there.
Leonard: In what universe?
Sheldon: In *all* of them, that is the point!

Sheldon: Do you want to hear an interesting thing about stairs?
Leonard: Not really.
Sheldon: [going on anyway] If the height of a single step is off by as little as two millimeters, most people will trip.
Leonard: I don't care.
[thinks about it]
Leonard: Two milli - that doesn't seem right.
Sheldon: It's true - I did a series of experiments when I was twelve. My father broke his clavicle.
Leonard: Is that why they sent you to boarding school?
Sheldon: No - that was the result of my work with lasers.

Sheldon: You're not done with her, are you?
Leonard: Our babies will be smart *AND* beautiful.
Sheldon: Not to mention imaginary.

Leonard: Oh, I love cheesecake.
Sheldon: You're lactose intolerant.
Leonard: I don't eat it, I just think it's a good idea.

Wolowitz: It's a Stephen Hawking lecture from MIT in 1974.
Leonard: This isn't a good time.
Wolowitz: [talking like a computer] "It's befooore he becaame a creeepy computer voooice!"

Sheldon: Uhm, Penny, that's where I sit.
Penny: So sit next to me.
Sheldon: No, I sit there.
Penny: What's the difference?
Sheldon: What's the difference?
Leonard: Here we go.
Sheldon: In the winter, that seat is close enough to the radiator to remain warm, and yet not so close as to cause perspiration. In the summer, it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that is neither direct, thus discouraging conversation, nor so far wide as to create a parallax distortion. I could go on.

Leonard: We need to widen our circle.
Sheldon: I have a very wide circle. I have 212 friends on MySpace.
Leonard: Yes, and you've never met one of them.
Sheldon: That's the beauty of it.

[first lines]
Sheldon: So, if a photon is directed through a plane with two slits in it and either slit is observed, it will not go through both slits. If it's unobserved, it will. However, if it's observed after it's left the plane, but before it hits its target, it will not have gone through both slits.
Leonard: Agreed. What's your point?
Sheldon: It's no point. I just think it's a good idea for a t-shirt.

Leonard: We brought home Indian food, and I know that moving can be stressful and I find that when I'm undergoing stress, good food and company can have a comforting effect. Also curry is a natural laxative, and I don't have to tell you that a clean colon is one less thing to worry about.
Sheldon: Leonard, I'm no expert here but I believe in the context of a luncheon invitation, you might want to skip the reference to bowel movements.

Sheldon: I really think we should examine the chain of causality here.
Leonard: Must we?
Sheldon: Event A: A beautiful woman stands naked in our shower. Event B: We drive halfway across town to retrieve a television set from the aforementioned woman's ex-boyfriend. Query: On what plane of existence is there even a semi-rational link between these events?
Leonard: She asked me to do her a favor, Sheldon.
Sheldon: Ah, yes. Well, that may be the proximal cause of our journey, but we both know it only exists in contradistinction to the higher-level distal cause.
Leonard: Which is?
Sheldon: You think with your penis.

Penny: Oh, I'm so sorry, I'm such a mess. And on top of everything else, I'm all gross from moving. And my stupid shower doesn't even work.
Leonard: Our shower works.
Penny: Really? Would it be totally weird if I used it?
Sheldon: Yes.
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Fuzzy Boots Corollary (#1.3)" (2007)
Leonard: I didn't like the look of the guy that she was with.
Wolowitz: Because he looks better than you?
Leonard: Yeah. He was kind of dreamy.
Sheldon: Well, at least now you can retrieve the black box from the twisted smoldering wreckage that was once your fantasy of dating her and analyze the data so that you don't crash into geek mountain again.

Wolowitz: So, how did it go with Leslie?
Leonard: We tried kissing but the earth didn't move. I mean any more than the 383 miles it was gonna move anyway.

Leonard: I'm a perfectly nice guy! There's no reason we couldn't go to the restaurant and have a lovely dinner. Maybe we could go for a walk afterwards, talk about things we have in common: You love pottery? I love pottery! There's a pause-we both know what's happening-I lean in and we kiss; it's a little tentative at first, but then I realize she's kissing me back and she's biting my lower lip, you know? She wants me! This thing is going the distance, we're going to have sex! Oh, God, oh my GOD!
[Leonard descends into a panic attack]
Sheldon: Is the sex starting now?

Leonard: Hey, what's going on?
Sheldon: Internet's been down for half an hour.
Koothrappali: Also, Sheldon may be a robot.

Wolowitz: There are pitfalls, trust me, I know. When it comes to sexual harassment law I'm bit of a self taught expert.
Leonard: Look Howard if I were to ask Leslie Winkle out it would just be for dinner. I'm not gonna walk into the lab, ask her to strip naked and dance for me.
Wolowitz: Oh, then you're probably OK.

[about Leonard dating Penny]
Leonard: Oh you know what maybe this isn't such a good idea.
Sheldon: Oh no, no, no well, no. There's always the possibility that alcohol and poor judgment on her part might lead to a nice romantic evening.

[Leonard hits his head under the table at the restaurant]
Penny: Are you OK ?
Leonard: Yeah, I'm OK... Did you spill ketchup ?
Penny: No.
Leonard: I'm not OK!

Sheldon: So? How was your date?
Leonard: Awesome!
Sheldon: Score one for liquor and poor judgment.

Sheldon: Do you really think that your relationship needs will be fulfilled by a genetically altered cat?
Leonard: Maybe, if it's a cute, cuddly cat.

Leonard: Can you tell that I'm sweating?
Sheldon: No, the crescent-shaped stains under your armpits conceal it quite nicely.

[Leonard is depressed over seeing Penny with another guy and is handling it by listening to emo music and considering buying a cat. He enters with headphones on singing "Boston" by Augustana, badly]
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't even care, oh yeah... '
Sheldon: Oh, good Lord.
Leonard: 'She said you don't know me, you don't wear my chaaaiiins, oh yeah... '
[takes off headphones]
Leonard: That's a good song!
Sheldon: If you're compiling a mix CD for a double suicide.

Howard Wolowitz: [Leonard, Sheldon, Howard & Raj are on their laptops playing an online role playing game] All right, just a few more feet and...
[pause]
Howard Wolowitz: Here we are gentlemen, the Gates Of Elzebub.
Sheldon: Good lord!
Leonard: Don't panic, this is what the last 97 hours have been about.
Howard Wolowitz: Stay frosty. There's a horde of armed goblins on the other side of that gate guarding the Sword Of Azeroth.
Leonard: Warriors, unsheathe your weapons. Magic wielders, raise your wands.
Sheldon: Lock and load.
Howard Wolowitz: Raj, blow the gates.
Raj Koothrappali: Blowing the gates.
[pressing keys]
Raj Koothrappali: Control, shift, B.
[sound of the gates blowing]
Raj Koothrappali: Oh my God, so many goblins!
Howard Wolowitz: Don't just stand there, slash and move! Slash and move!
Leonard: Stay in formation!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard, you've got one on your tail!
Leonard: That's all right, my tail's prehensile, I'll swat him off!
Raj Koothrappali: I got him Leonard. Tonight, I spice my meat with goblin blood!
Leonard: Raj, no, it's a trap! Thay're flanking us!
Raj Koothrappali: [in a wimpy tone] Oh, he's got me.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, he's got Raj, use your sleep spell! Sheldon!
[changes to an annoyed whisper]
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon!
Sheldon: I've got the Sword Of Azeroth!
Leonard: Forget the sword Sheldon, help Raj.
Sheldon: There is no more Sheldon! I am the sword master!
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard look out!
Leonard: Damn it man, we're dying here!
Sheldon: Goodbye peasents.
Leonard: The bastard teleported.
Raj Koothrappali: [looks at Sheldon's screen] He's selling the sword of Azeroth on eBay.
Leonard: You betrayed us for money? Who are you?

Leonard: I'm fine. Penny's fine. The guy she's kissing is really fine.
Wolowitz: Kissing? What kind of kissing? Cheeks? Lips? Chase? French?
Leonard: What is wrong with you?
Wolowitz: I'm a romantic!

Penny: Was this supposed to be a date?
Leonard: This? No. No, of course not, this was just you and me hanging out with a bunch of guys who didn't show up, because of work and a colonoscopy.
Penny: Okay, I was just checking.
Leonard: When I take a girl out on a date, and I do, she knows she's been dated. Capital D. Bold face, underline, like Day-ted. I think I might have a little concussion, I'm going to go lay down for a while, good night.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cornhusker Vortex (#3.6)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon knows football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently.
Howard Wolowitz: I mean Quidditch, sure. But football?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, how do you know this stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: I grew up in Texas. Football is ubiquitous in Texas. Pro football, college football, high school football, Pee-Wee football; in fact, every form of football except the original: European football, which most Texans believe to be a commie plot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Unbelievable.
Sheldon Cooper: If you're interested, I also know all about frying meat that isn't chicken as if it were chicken.
Leonard Hofstadter: So you could teach me?
Sheldon Cooper: Football or chicken fried meats?
Leonard Hofstadter: Football! I'm going to Penny's on Saturday to watch a game with her friends, and I don't want to look like an idiot. I want to blend in.
Sheldon Cooper: If you want to blend in with Penny's friends, I think looking like an idiot would be the perfect camouflage.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Leonard is trying to learn about football] Okay, a completed pass: first down, New England. I think I'm starting to get this.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Really? The only thing I've learned in the last two hours is that American men love drinking beer, pee too often, and have trouble getting erections.
Leonard Hofstadter: Focus on the game, not the commercials, Raj.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm just saying maybe if you people cut back on the beer, you could get out of the bathroom and satisfy your women without pharmaceutical help.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, please teach me football. It'll be fun!
Sheldon Cooper: That's exactly what my father said. "Come to the games! Watch the games!" Week in and week out, from the time I was five until I went off to college. Longest seven years of my life.

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, this sucks.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, I got bored and drifted off. Where exactly in the interaction did the sucking lie?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Leonard just realized that Penny's been hiding him from her friends because he's a tiny little man who flies kites.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that certainly would suck.

Sheldon Cooper: All right, Poindexter, sit down, shut up and listen.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's how my father always began our football conversations. And if you'd like, after the game I'll take you outside and teach you how to shoot close enough to a raccoon that it craps itself.

Leonard Hofstadter: When are you going to stop making Cylon toast?
Sheldon Cooper: When I have enough to destroy all the human toast on the Battlestar known as Galactica.

Sheldon Cooper: Is that what you're wearing to watch football at Penny's?
Leonard Hofstadter: What's wrong with a football jersey?
Sheldon Cooper: Nothing. That, however, appears to be a football cocktail dress.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was the smallest size they had. Except the one for dogs. I can't believe they have one for dogs.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes. Canine football fans are a common sight in Texas. Cats, however, refuse to wear sporting apparel. My sister found that out the hard way.

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali: Kites ho! Kites ho! Kites ho!
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. You're misusing the word "ho". It's an interjection used to call attention to a destination, not an object. As in, uh, "land ho!" or, uh, "westward ho!"
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Rajesh Koothrappali: [after a beat] Kites ho!

Sheldon Cooper: Am I correct in assuming that your attempt to be accepted by Penny's peers is based on your desire to ensure your continuing mating privileges with her?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I wouldn't put it exactly that way.
Sheldon Cooper: How would you put it?
Leonard Hofstadter: [pause] Yeah, okay, like you said.
Sheldon Cooper: Huh. Seems like an awful lot of trouble to go through for intercourse. Don't you have access to women who will do it for money? By the way, another accepted usage for the term "ho."

Penny: I wouldn't mind if you wanted to go fly kites with Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'll watch the end of the game. Besides, there's three minutes left.
Penny: Until halftime.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is just half? We've been here for hours!
Penny: You're gonna be here for a couple more.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you're kidding me.
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: [getting up and leaving] Nice meeting all of you!

Leonard Hofstadter: Why wouldn't Penny want her friends to meet me?
Sheldon Cooper: Focus, Leonard, focus. The heat of battle is upon us; the dogs of war unleashed.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe Koothrappali's right; maybe I embarrass her.
Sheldon Cooper: You're embarrassing me right now. A grown man worrying about such nonsense when in the middle of flying kites.

Leonard Hofstadter: [watching football] What is this "sacks" statistic they put up there?
Howard Wolowitz: All I know about Saks is my mother shops there.
Leonard Hofstadter: [searching the index of "Football for Dummies"] Sacks, sacks.
Sheldon Cooper: It's football nomenclature for when a quarterback is tackled behind the line of scrimmage.
Leonard Hofstadter: Huh.
[looking through his book again]
Leonard Hofstadter: Scrimmage...
Sheldon Cooper: The line of scrimmage is the imaginary transverse line separating the offense from the defense.

Leonard Hofstadter: Go! Go! Go! Go-Go-Go-Go! Yes! Are you people watching this? Is this amazing or what?
Penny: Sweetie, that's a highlight from the '98 championship game.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Big Bran Hypothesis (#1.2)" (2007)
Penny: [Penny screams from her apartment] SON OF A BITCH!
Leonard: Penny's up.
Penny: YOU SICK, GEEKY BASTARDS!

Leonard: Do you wanna join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
Penny: Wow, a marathon, how many Superman movies are there?
Sheldon: You're kidding, right?
Penny: You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her. Which one was that?
Leonard, Sheldon, Wolowitz: *One.*
[Raj holds up one finger]
Sheldon: You know that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy?
Penny: Yes, I know men can't fly...
Sheldon: No, no, let's assume that they can... Lois Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second... Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel... Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Leonard: Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
Sheldon: In what space, sir, in what space? She's two feet above the ground. Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement. It'd be a more merciful death.
Leonard: Well, excuse me! Your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Sheldon: Are you listening to yourself? It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength. It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from Earth's yellow sun!
Wolowitz: And you don't have a problem with that? How does he fly at night?
Sheldon: Uh, a combination of the Moon's solar reflection, and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
Penny: I'm just gonna go wash up.
Leonard: I have 26 hundred comic books in there; I challenge you to find a single reference to "Kryptonian skin cells."
Sheldon: Challenge accepted!
[walks to door]
Sheldon: We're locked out...
Koothrappali: Also, the pretty girl left.

Leonard: Men do things for women without expecting sex.
Sheldon: Those would be men who just had sex.

Leonard: Any ideas?
Sheldon: Yes, but they all require a green lantern and a power ring.

Leonard: Sheldon, this is not your home.
Sheldon: Look, this is not anyone's home, this is a swirling vortex of entropy!

Leonard: You convinced me. Maybe tonight we should sneak in and shampoo her carpet.
Sheldon: You don't think that crosses the line?
Leonard: Yes... For God's sake, Sheldon, do I have to... hold up a sarcasm sign every time I open my mouth?
Sheldon: You have a sarcasm sign?

Wolowitz: Oh, boy, I was afraid of this.
Leonard: What?
Wolowitz: These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components. This right here is why Sweden has no space program.

Leonard: I guess we will just bring it up ourselves.
Sheldon: I hardly think so.
Leonard: Why not?
Sheldon: We don't have a dolly or lifting belts or any measurable upper body strength.

Leonard: Did it ever occur to you that not everyone has the compulsive need to sort organize and label the entire world around them?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: Well, they don't. Hard as it may be for you to believe, most people don't sort their breakfast cereal numerically by fiber content.
Sheldon: I'm sorry, but I think we've both found that helpful at times.

Leonard: Do you realize that if Penny wakes up there is no reasonable explanation as to why we're here.
Sheldon: I just gave you a reasonable explanation.
Leonard: No, you gave me an explanation; its reasonableness will be determined by a jury of your peers.
Sheldon: Don't be ridiculous... I have no peers.

Penny: You came into my apartment last night while I was sleeping?
Leonard: Yes, but only to clean.
Sheldon: Really more to organize. You're not actually dirty, per se.
Penny: Give me back my key.
[Leonard hands said key back]
Leonard: I'm very, very sorry.
Penny: Do you understand how creepy this is?
Leonard: Uh, yes. We discussed it at length last night.
Penny: In my apartment? While I was *sleeping*?
Sheldon: And snoring. And that's probably just a sinus infection. But it could be sleep apnea. You might wanna see an otorhinolaryngologist. The throat doctor.
Penny: And what kind of doctor removes shoes from asses?
Sheldon: Depending on the depth, that's either a proctologist or a general surgeon.
[behind Penny, Leonard holds up a piece of paper with "sarcasm" scribbled on it]
Sheldon: Oh.

Penny: Was it hard to get it up the stairs?
Sheldon: Pfffff...
Leonard: No.
Sheldon: No?
Sheldon: No.
Leonard: No.

Sheldon: Great Caesar's ghost! Look at this place.
Leonard: So Penny's a little messy.
Sheldon: A little messy! The Mandelbrot set of complex numbers is a little mess- this is chaos!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Electric Can Opener Fluctuation (#3.1)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thank God we're home!
Howard Wolowitz: I can't believe we spent three months in that frozen hell.
Rajesh Koothrappali: It was like a snowy nightmare from which there was no awakening.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know what Arctic expedition you guys were on, but I thought it was a hoot and a half.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Whispering] Do not make a sound.
Sheldon Cooper: Whispering "do not make a sound" is a sound.
Leonard Hofstadter: Damn his Vulcan hearing!

Leonard Hofstadter: It was the only way to make him happy.
Penny: Why did you have to make him happy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because when he wasn't happy, we wanted to kill him. There was even a plan! We were going to throw his Kindle outside and when he went to get it, lock the door and let him freeze to death.
Sheldon Cooper: That seems like a bit of an overreaction!
Leonard Hofstadter: No. The overreaction was the plan to tie your limbs to four different sled dog teams and yell "mush!"

Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to go to Texas!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, right, and I do? My people already crossed the desert once. We're done!

Leonard Hofstadter: Will you please take that stupid hat off?
Howard Wolowitz: No, I want to blend in.
Rajesh Koothrappali: To what? Toy Story?

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, how's Sheldon doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he came out of his room this morning wearing his Darth Vader helmet and tried to choke me to death with the Force, so I'd say... a little better.

Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm sorry, this does not look like Texas. Where's the tumbleweeds? Where's the saloons?
Leonard Hofstadter: Saloons?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, like in the movies I saw growing up in India. You know, Four For Texas, Yellow Rose of Texas...
Howard Wolowitz: This neighborhood is more Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I was really hoping to see a cattle drive.
Leonard Hofstadter: What can I tell you? They probably have steaks on sale at that big-ass Costco over there.

Leonard Hofstadter: I can't believe you bought a red cowboy hat.
Howard Wolowitz: Hello? I'm wearing a red turtleneck. Plus it was the only boys' large they had.

[repeated line]
Leonard Hofstadter: [trying to get intimate with Penny] Man, I cannot catch a break!

Penny: Leonard, you're back!
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I just stopped by to...
[Penny grabs Leonard and kisses him]
Leonard Hofstadter: [taken completely by surprise] Yeah, so, hi.
Penny: Hi!
[Penny pulls Leonard into her apartment and slams the door]
Howard Wolowitz: Damn it, I should have gone over and told her we were back.
Rajesh Koothrappali: [sarcastically] Yeah, it was first come, first serve.

Penny: Well, wait a second, Leonard, come on, how can you not go? He's your best friend.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I already saw him naked. Come here.
Penny: No. I promise I will be here when you get back. Just go help Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Yeah. We waited a few months. We can wait a few more days.
[they kiss]
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe *you* can.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: How about that? I finally caught a break.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know how they say when friends have sex it can get weird?
Penny: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why does it have to get weird?
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard Hofstadter: I mean, we were friends, and now we're more than friends. We're whatever this is. But why label it, right? I mean, it is what it is and...
Penny: Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: It's weird.
Leonard Hofstadter: Totally.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey. Listen, since we got, you know, interrupted last night, I didn't have a chance to give you this.
Penny: Oh, Leonard, you shouldn't have. Oh, boy! What is it?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a snowflake. From the North Pole.
Penny: Are you serious?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh. It'll last forever. I preserved it in a one percent solution of polyvinyl acetal resin.
Penny: Oh, my God. That's the most romantic thing anyone's ever said to me that I didn't understand.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bat Jar Conjecture (#1.13)" (2008)
Leonard: [Sheldon tries to sit on the couch] Sorry, somebody is sitting there.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: [triumphantly] My physics bowl trophy!
Sheldon: That trophy is meaningless. I forfeited, therefore, you did not win.
Leonard: I know someone who would disagree.
Sheldon: Who?
Leonard: [triumphantly louder] My physics bowl trophy!
Leonard: [trophy is "speaking"] Leonard is so smart! Sheldon who?

Leonard: Do I have to quote Spock's dying words to you? The needs of the many...
Howard Wolowitz: ...outweigh the needs of the few...
Sheldon: ...or the one. Damn it, I'll do it.
[does Vulcan salute]

Sheldon: Well... At this point I should inform you, I intend to form my own team and will destroy the molecular bonds that bind your very matter together, and reduce the resulting particular chaos to tears.
Leonard: Thanks for the heads up.
Sheldon: You're welcome. One more thing.
Leonard: Yes?
Sheldon: It's on, bitch!

Raj Koothrappali: I say we wait until he looks at us, then laugh like "Yes, you are a smart and strong competitor, but we are also smart and strong and we have a reasonable chance of defeating you."
Leonard: How exactly would that laugh go?
Raj Koothrappali: [in high-pitched voice] He-he-he-he-he-he!
Howard Wolowitz: That sounds more like "We are a tall, thin woman who wants to make a coat out of your Dalmatians."
Leonard: Guys, let's remember that Sheldon is still our friend, and my roommate.
Howard Wolowitz: So?
Leonard: So, nothing. Let's destroy him.

Leslie Winkle: Wait. You are going up against Sheldon Cooper?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes.
Leslie Winkle: That arrogant, misogynistic East Texas doorknob that told me I should abandon my work with high energy particles for laundry and child bearing?
Leonard: She's in.

[regarding the equation in the final question]
Raj Koothrappali: Holy crap!
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Howard Wolowitz: It looks like something they found on the ship at Roswell.

Howard Wolowitz: Oooh... more details about the new Star Trek film. There's going to be a scene depicting Spock's birth.
Raj Koothrappali: I'd be more interested in a scene depicting Spock's conception.
Sheldon: Oh, please. For Vulcans, mating - or if you will, pon farr... is an extremely private matter.
Leonard: Still, I'd like to know the details. His mother was human, his father was Vulcan. They couldn't just 'conceive'.
Howard Wolowitz: Maybe they had to go to a clinic. Can you imagine Spock's dad in a little room with a copy of "Pointy Ears and Shapely Rears"?
Raj Koothrappali: How come on Star Trek everybody's private parts are the same? No alien lady ever told Captain Kirk, "Hey, get your thing out of my nose".

Leonard: Sheldon, you have to let somebody else answer.
Sheldon: Why?
Penny: Because it's polite.
Sheldon: What do manners have to do with it? This is war. Were the Romans polite when they salted the ground of Carthage to make sure nothing would ever grow again?
Penny: Leonard, you said I only had to *ask* questions.

Howard Wolowitz: We're going to need a strong 4th for our team.
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's "Blossom." She got her Ph.D in neuroscience or something.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, we're not getting TV's "Blossom" to join our Physics Bowl team.
Raj Koothrappali: How about the girl from the "Wonder Years?"

Dr. Eric Gablehauser: First question. For ten points: What is the isospin singlet partner of the pi-zero meson?
[Leonard and Sheldon ring in]
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: PMS?
Leonard: The eta meson.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Correct.
[the audience applauds]
Sheldon: Formal protest.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: On what grounds?
Sheldon: The Velcro on my wrist brace caught on my shirt.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Denied.

Leonard: Sheldon, is proving that you are single-handedly smarter than everyone else so important that you would rather lose by yourself than win as part of a team?
Sheldon: I don't understand the question.

Sheldon: The objective of the competition is to give correct answers. If I know them, why shouldn't I give them?
Howard Wolowitz: Some of us might have the correct answers, too.
Sheldon: [scoffing] Oh, please. You don't even have a Ph.D.
Howard Wolowitz: [standing up angrily] All right, that's it!
Leonard: Howard, sit down.
Howard Wolowitz: [sitting down submissively] Okay.

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, we're going to need a strong fourth for our team.
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's apparently very smart, is the girl who played TV's Blossom. She got a PhD in neuroscience or something.
Leonard: Raj, we're not getting TV's Blossom to join our physics bowl team.
Raj Koothrappali: How about the girl from the Wonder Years?
Howard Wolowitz: Gentlemen, I believe I've found the solution to all our problems.
Leonard: We can't ask Leslie Winkle.
Raj Koothrappali: Why? Because you slept together and when she was done with you she discarded you like last night's chutney?
Leonard: Yes.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Monopolar Expedition (#2.23)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, boy.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't comment without violating our agreement that I don't criticize your work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then what was "Oh, boy"?
Sheldon Cooper: Great restraint on my part.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Corrects chart] There. How's that.
Sheldon Cooper: You actually had it right the first time. Once again, you have fallen for one of my classic pranks. Bazinga!

Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute! He offered to send you to the North Pole?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. In fact, he was quite enthusiastic. He said "frankly, if I could send you tonight, I would."

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, what words are there that I can say right now that will end this conversation so I can go back to sleep?
Sheldon Cooper: Odd. President Seibert posed the exact same question.
Leonard Hofstadter: How was the matter resolved?
Sheldon Cooper: It wasn't. Mrs. Seibert sic her dogs on me.

Howard Wolowitz: Just imagine, if he accepts the offer, we could have an entire summer without Sheldon.
Rajesh Koothrappali: We could play outside.
Howard Wolowitz: We could sit on the left side of the couch.
Leonard Hofstadter: I could use the bathroom at 8:20.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Our dreams are small, aren't they?

Leonard Hofstadter: She didn't seem that upset that I was going.
Sheldon Cooper: No. Did you think she was upset?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, good. I got one right. Are you upset?
Leonard Hofstadter: A little.
Sheldon Cooper: Two for two. I'm on fire.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know she's not my girlfriend or anything, but don't you think she'd feel a little bad that I'd be gone for the whole summer?
Sheldon Cooper: That feels like a bonus question. I'm going to stop right here and say I've had a great time.

Leonard Hofstadter: [At the North Pole] Darn it!
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: We're out of ice.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm at the horns of a dilemma. Can you imagine me, Sheldon Cooper, at the North Pole?
Leonard Hofstadter: Easy peasy. I'm doing it right now.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, can I talk to you for a minute?
Sheldon Cooper: [waking up] I want another cookie, Meemaw.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's just me
Sheldon Cooper: But Meemaw was just making cookies.

[a comment Penny made has given Leonard second thoughts about going on the Arctic expedition]
Sheldon Cooper: Her missing you is an emotional state you find desirable.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, obviously.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Well, given that missing you is predicated on you leaving, logic dictates you must leave.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, okay, but I'm gonna be gone for three months. What if she doesn't miss me that long and she meets someone else?
Sheldon Cooper: She does have a short attention span.

Penny: Sheldon says you're going to the North Pole.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. Pretty cool, huh?
Penny: Yeah. I'm just a little surprised you didn't tell me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, well, it all happened kind of fast, and we had to get physicals and buy thermal underwear and study up on, you know, snow and stuff. Sorry, I was gonna tell you.
Penny: Oh, hey, no, you don't have to apologize. There's no reason you have to tell me. I was just, you know, surprised.

Penny: Oh, Leonard, what time is it?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's 7 a.m. I'm sorry it's early, but we're leaving soon, and I needed to talk to you.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard Hofstadter: What did you mean when you said you're going to miss me?
Penny: Um, I don't know. You'll be gone and I'll notice.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, well, um, what about this? What does this mean?
Penny: Wine, credit card and late night television are a bad combination.
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, fine. What about that really long hug? What did that mean?
Penny: That wasn't a long hug.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was at least five Mississippis. A standard hug is two Mississippis tops.
Penny: Leonard, I don't know what to tell you. It was just a hug.
Leonard Hofstadter: Glad we cleared that up.
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: I guess I'll see you.
Penny: Okay, have a safe trip.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you. Bye.
Penny: Okay, bye.
[Behind her door]
Penny: Means I wish you weren't going.

Penny: Well, I got you a little going away present.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a blanket.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, not just a blanket. See, it has sleeves. Yeah! So, you can, you know, be all snoodled up while you do your science stuff.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, wow, cool.
Penny: Oh, I'm gonna miss you.
[Long hug]
Penny: See you later.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Jerusalem Duality (#1.12)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: C'mon, Dennis, I'll show you the Rec Center. They've got Nautilus equipment.
Dennis Kim: Do I *look* like I lift weights?

Sheldon Cooper: I sense a disturbance in the Force.
Leonard Hofstadter: [in a Yoda voice] A bad feeling I have about this, hmm.

Leonard Hofstadter: The kid got a girl.
Raj Koothrappali: Unbelievable.
Howard Wolowitz: Did anyone see how he did it?

Dennis Kim: [notices award certificate on wall of Sheldon's office] Wow! You won a Stevenson Award?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes! In fact, I am the youngest person ever to win it.
Dennis Kim: Really! How old?
Sheldon Cooper: Fourteen and a half.
Dennis Kim: Hm - you *were* the youngest person ever to win it.
Leonard Hofstadter: [grinning gleefully] It's like looking into an obnoxious little mirror, isn't it?

Howard Wolowitz: Smart is the new sexy.
Leonard: Then why do we go home alone every night? We're still smart.
Rajesh Koothrapali: Maybe we're too smart... so smart it's off-putting.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, let's go with that.

Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Gentlemen, I'd like you to meet Dennis Kim. Dennis is a *highly* sought-after doctoral candidate, and we're hoping to have him do his graduate work here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Graduate work? Very impressive.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: And he's only 15 years old.
Sheldon Cooper: Not bad. I, myself, started graduate school at 14.
Dennis Kim: Well, I lost a year while my family was tunneling out of North Korea.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Sheldon] Advantage: Kim.

Leonard Hofstadter: So Dennis, how long have you been in America?
Dennis Kim: A year and a half.
Leonard Hofstadter: No kidding? You speak English really well.
Dennis Kim: So do you.

Raj Koothrappali: Do you know what he did? He watched me work for 10 minutes, and then started to design a simple piece of software that could replace me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Is that even possible?
Raj Koothrappali: As it turns out, yes.

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, so we now have a socially-awkward genius in a room full of attractive, age-appropriate women.
Howard Wolowitz: All he has to do now is hook up with one of them.
Leonard Hofstadter: Anyone else see the flaw in this plan?
Raj Koothrappali: We need a social catalyst.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like what? We can't get 15-year-old girls drunk.
Howard Wolowitz: Or can we...?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, we can't!

Howard Wolowitz: Unbelievable. Components I built are on the International Space Station and I get a ticket for launching a model rocket in the park.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know if the ticket was so much for the launch as it was for you telling the policewoman: "You have to frisk me. I have another rocket in my pants."

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Here's the problem with teleportation.
Leonard Hofstadter: Lay it on me.
Sheldon Cooper: Assuming a device could be invented, which would identify the quantum state of matter of an individual in one location and transmit that pattern to a distant location for reassembly, you would not have actually transported the individual; you would have destroyed him in one location and recreated him in another.
Leonard Hofstadter: How about that.
Sheldon Cooper: Personally, I would never use a transporter, because the original Sheldon would have to be disintegrated in order to create a new Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Would the new Sheldon be in any way an improvement on the old Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: No, he would be exactly the same.
Leonard Hofstadter: That is a problem.

Penny: Oh, hey guys, what's up?
Howard Wolowitz: We need a hot fifteen year-old Asian girl with a thing for smart guys.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, that's racist, any fifteen year-old girl will do the trick.
[Penny slams door]
Raj Koothrappali: It's possible she may have misunderstood us.

[last lines]
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, look at that. It's Dennis Kim.
Howard Wolowitz: Wow, I almost didn't recognize him.
Raj Koothrappali: You know, I kind of feel bad about what we did to him.
[Kim is locked in a kiss with a blond girl]
Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastically] Yeah, we really ruined his life.
Sheldon Cooper: Screw him; he was weak.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Financial Permeability (#2.14)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: All right, these theaters have to be eliminated.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why, they're state of the art. Digital projection, 20 channel surround sound...
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but they have no Icee machines. Despite my agressive letter writing campaign I might add.

Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I guess we only have one option.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yepp, I don't see any way around it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bye, Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: See ya.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Later, dude.
[All exit, leaving Sheldon alone]
Sheldon Cooper: They're right. It was the only option.

Sheldon Cooper: I've been giving the matter some thought, and I think I'd be willing to be a house pet to a race of superintelligent aliens.
Leonard Hofstadter: Interesting.
Sheldon Cooper: Ask me why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do I have to?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course, that's how you move a conversation forward.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: The learning opportunities would be abundant, additionally, I like having my belly scratched.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, Penny. How's work.
Penny: Great! I hope I'm a waitress at the Cheescake Factory for my whole life!
Sheldon Cooper: Was that sarcasm?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Was *that* sarcasm?
Penny: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Was that sarcasm?
Leonard Hofstadter: Stop it!

Sheldon Cooper: In case either of you have larceny in your heart, you should know that I have moved my money out of the snake can.
Leonard Hofstadter: But if you're ever short, there's always a couple of fifties in Green Lantern's ass.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Looking for places for Penny to save expenses] A hundred and seventy dollars for acting classes?
Penny: Oh no, I can't give up my acting classes, I'm a professional actress.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you've had an acting job where you got paid?
Penny: That is not the definition of professional.
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, it kind of... lets keep looking.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, you guys want to go on a real live quest?
Sheldon Cooper: Outside? But I just made cocoa.

Leonard Hofstadter: You play a game to simulate adventure, but when there's real adventure out there in the real world, you just wimp out!
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, do you not recall the last time we visited this gentleman, we returned home without pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: I do.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sure? Because your proposal suggests that you don't.

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, is everyone clear on the plan?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Koothrappali's gonna wet himself, I will throw up, Sheldon's going to run away, and you're going to die. Shall we synchronize our watches?

Sheldon: I was wrong. Minstrels will write songs about *you*.
Leonard: [sarcastically] Great.
Sheldon: [singing] There once was a brave lad named Leonard. With a fi-fi-fiddle-dee-dee. He faced a fearsome giant. While Raj just wanted to pee.

Leonard Hofstadter: You clearly did something to aggrevate her!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm at a loss. If you like, you can review my daily log of social interactions. And see if there's a blunder I overlooked.

Penny: He got arrested for taking a whiz on a cop car.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: He was drunk.
Leonard Hofstadter: I would hope so.

Leonard Hofstadter: I don't need backup. I have right on my side. And I'm wearing cargo shorts under my pants.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Boyfriend Complexity (#4.9)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: You'll never guess what just happened.
Sheldon Cooper: You went out in the hallway, stumbled into an interdimensional portal, which brought you 5,000 years into the future, where you took advantage of the advanced technology to build a time machine, and now you're back, to bring us all with you to the year 7010, where we are transported to work in the Thinkatorium, by telepathically-controlled flying dolphins?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Awww...
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny kissed me.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, who would ever guess that?

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny kissing me is not insane. She used to kiss me all the time.
Sheldon Cooper: Einstein defined insanity as doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. By that standard, Penny is cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I bother talking to you people?
Sheldon Cooper: If it'll make you feel better, we rarely listen.

Leonard: [to Penny's father] I'll 'Friend' you on Facebook!

Penny: I kinda told my father we got back together again.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? Why?
Penny: Well, you're the first guy he's ever really approved of, you know, you're a scientist who went to college, and you don't have a neck tattoo or outstanding warrants or - or a baby.
Leonard Hofstadter: What kind of guys did you used to go out with?
Penny: Just guys. Anyway, when I told him we split up, he was heart-broken, and he kept bugging me: "How's Leonard?", "Why can't you get back together with Leonard?", "I bet Leonard never tipped a cow over on himself."

Wyatt: [Penny's dad, urging Leonard to get back together with her] Please, please, please don't give up on her!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Wyatt: I can't go back to the skateboard idiots, the white rappers, and all those sweaty dumb-asses with their backwards hats.
Leonard Hofstadter: Gee, I don't know if it's in the cards, sir.
Wyatt: Then stack the deck! Cheat! Lie! I don't care! I want grandkids before I die, and I want 'em to grow up in a house without wheels.

Penny: Do you know what I've been doing for the last hour?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, dreamily doodling Mrs. Leonard Hofstadter in a notebook?
Penny: Listening to my father go on and on about what a great guy you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: You gotta admit, I am, I'm delightful.
Penny: Why are you making this so difficult?
Leonard Hofstadter: [smirking] It's not difficult for me. I'm having fun.
Penny: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you want me to do? You started this. You wanna go over and tell him we're broken up?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, then, what do you want?
Penny: I don't know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you think that's something you should have figured out before you stomped over here?
Penny: [pauses] Maybe.

Sheldon Cooper: [answering the phone] Hello.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, the elevator's out of order; you'll have to use the stairs.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course you can. Pizza dates back to the sixteenth century while the first elevator was not installed until 1852; that means that for over three hundred years people carried pizzas up stairs. Be part of that proud tradition.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll go get Penny while that guy spits on our food.

Penny: Sheldon, you don't have to do this, because Leonard and I are not...
Leonard Hofstadter: Bu-bu-bu-bu, are you sure you want to include him in this?
Sheldon Cooper: Include me in what? Is there a plot afoot? I'll have no truck with plots.
Penny: [to Leonard] No, you're right.
[to Sheldon]
Penny: No, there's, there's no plot, no trucks, no... feet.

Sheldon Cooper: Just so you know, I was up all night, but I have finally completed the Penny-specific section of the new roommate agreement.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well, not necessary. We broke up again,
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon throws the agreement up in the air] Do you even think about other people, Leonard? Do you?

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: D'you get to play with Raj's big telescope last night?
Howard Wolowitz: Wh... Where did that come from?
Raj Koothrappali: He never touched my telescope!
Howard Wolowitz: Way to go shutting up.
Raj Koothrappali: I did shut up. Now you shut up.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine.
Raj Koothrappali: Thank you.
[pause]
Raj Koothrappali: How come you didn't call me this morning?

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: You know who's got to be the bravest person in the Marvel universe? Whoever has to give She-Hulk her bikini wax.
Howard Wolowitz: Want to talk brave? How about Captain America's undocumented Mexican gardener?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not braver than whoever uses the bathroom after the Thing.
Sheldon Cooper: As usual you're all wrong; the bravest person in the Marvel universe is the doctor who gives Wolverine his prostate exam.
Howard Wolowitz: How about the guy who gets a prostate exam from Wolverine?
Sheldon Cooper: Now you're just being silly. Wolverine never displayed the slightest interest in helping others prevent prostate cancer.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Panty Piñata Polarization (#2.7)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: [about the Next Top Model house] Are you insane? You're not going to party with them. You're not even going to get anywhere near that place.
Howard Wolowitz: That's what they said to Neil Armstrong abut the moon.
Sheldon Cooper: No one said anything of the kind to Neil Armstrong. The entire nation dedicated a decade of effort and treasure to put a man on the moon.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, my fellow Americans, before this year is out, we will put a Wolowitz on one of America's top models.
Rajesh Koothrappali: And a large number of people will believe it never happened.

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz. No, wait, that's the future Mrs. Wolowitz, with her head in the lap of - eh, what a coincidence - the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother. The current Mrs. Wolowitz.

Leonard Hofstadter: For the record, what you guys are doing is really creepy.
Howard Wolowitz: You know what, if it's "creepy" to use the internet, military satellites and robot aircraft to find a house full of gorgeous young models so that I can drop in on them unexpectedly then fine, I'm creepy.

Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but we're...
Leonard Hofstadter: No don't tell her!
Sheldon Cooper: ...playing Klingon Boggle.
Leonard Hofstadter: Awww...
Howard Wolowitz: What do you mean "aww," like she didn't know we were nerds?

Sheldon Cooper: [in a computer message] Hello, puny insects. As a consequence of your efforts to circumvent my will, Everyone is awarded one additional strike.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks a lot, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: What are you complaining about? I'm the one who has to take the class again.

Leonard Hofstadter: [referring to the strikes Sheldon gave her] Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
Howard Wolowitz: You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.

Leonard Hofstadter: [just walking in on Sheldon and Penny] Hey, you guys are talking again, good!
[Penny and Sheldon give him an annoyed look]
Leonard Hofstadter: What happened?

Penny: [after Leonard gives her Sheldon's "kryptonite", which makes even her uneasy] Look, I said I wanted to hurt him, but... this?
Leonard Hofstadter: It'll shorten the war by five years and save millions of lives.

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you don't want to get into it with Sheldon. The guy is one lab accident away from being a supervillain.
Penny: I don't care. I was in Junior Rodeo. I can hogtie and castrate him in sixty seconds.
Howard Wolowitz: No need to neuter the nerd, I can get you back online.

Penny: Leonard, remember when I said it was on? Well now it's Junior Rodeo on.
Leonard Hofstadter: [softly, in a worried tone] Ohhh, not Junior Rodeo.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a member of our social group I have to hold you to the same high standards as everybody else.
Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations, you're officially one of us.
Howard Wolowitz: [chanting] One of us! One of us!

Sheldon Cooper: You're sitting in my spot.
Penny: Oh, gee... you gotta be kidding me.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, she's in my spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, yeah. Uh... see, here's the thing: after you leave, I still have to live with him.
Penny: I don't care. I'm taking a stand. Metaphorically.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Recombination Hypothesis (#5.13)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, do you have plans for dinner tonight?
Penny: Why? Are you guys going somewhere?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I mean, just you and me.
Penny: You mean like a date?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not "like a date", a date!
Amy Farrah Fowler: Woooooooooo!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Woooooooooo!

Sheldon Cooper: The reason you're fixated on a good-natured simpleton like Penny is that she's the exact opposite of your first romantic attachment - your brilliant yet intimidating mother.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where on earth did you get that from?
Sheldon Cooper: It's in her book, "Needy Baby, Greedy Baby".
Leonard Hofstadter: That doesn't make it true.
Sheldon Cooper: It's called non-fiction for a reason, Leonard.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, uh, do they have a name for a first date with someone you used to go out with?
Penny: Oh, that's a good question. How about 'awkward'?
Leonard Hofstadter: That sounds right. Hey, how about if we pretend we're actually on a first date? See how that goes.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, Polly, tell me about yourself.
Penny: It's Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh sorry, yeah, awkward...
Penny: Okay, uh, let's see, I'm from Nebraska, and ever since I was little girl I dreamed of moving to L.A. and becoming a movie star. Anyway, after four years of acting lessons and waiting tables, I've done a hemorrhoid commercial and a production of Anne Frank above a bowling alley. So, you know, dreams do come true! Your turn!
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, let's see. I am an experimental physicist at Caltech. Most of my research is with high-powered lasers and, oh, I've just gotten a big government grant to see if they can be used to knock out incoming ballistic missiles.
Penny: Wow! Can they?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, God no! The money's pretty good. And I use the equipment to make my own Bat Signal.
Penny: Bat Signal? What are you, some kind of nerd?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not "some *kind* of nerd". I am the king of nerds!
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it means if anyone displeases me, I don't help them set up their printer.

Leonard Hofstadter: Isn't sex after fighting kinda what we do now?
Penny: Yeah, kinda, yeah.

Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't *defile* your sister. We had a relationship.
Raj Koothrappali: I heard you call her "Brown Sugar". In my book, that's defilement.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Feel like trying something new for dinner? Maybe indian? Tex-Mex?
Sheldon Cooper: You ever wonder how humans would be different if they evolved from lizards instead of amammals?
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, let's talk about that.
Sheldon Cooper: As you know, lizards, cold-blooded animals, lack the ability to sense temperature, but they do move more sluggishly when it's cold. So, lizard weathermen would say things like, "Bring a sweater. It's slow outside". I love my mind.
Leonard Hofstadter: We all do. Now, how about dinner?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I would assume we'd enjoy insects, or smaller lizards. We could also pull each other's tails off and grill them; they'll just grow back.

Howard Wolowitz: Ooh, 8:30. You and Penny decide to go out and paint the town beige?
Leonard Hofstadter: You're 30 years old and you live with your mother!
Raj Koothrappali: I guess it didn't go well.
Sheldon Cooper: Now, we don't know that. Not to a certainty. All we know is that Leonard is home.
[Leonard groans loudly from his room]
Howard Wolowitz: How about now?
Sheldon Cooper: Again, not enough evidence. For all we know, he's being murdered.

Penny: You are so funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good. Remember that when I take my shirt off.

Sheldon Cooper: You want to know my opinion?
Leonard Hofstadter: [Sarcastic] Oh boy, do I!
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] Sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: [Spiteful] No.

Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know how you have a relationship without talking.
Penny: I went out with this one guy, T.J., for eight months, we never talked. To this day, I don't even know what T.J. stands for.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait, if you guys didn't talk, then... Never mind, stupid question.

Penny: [after Leonard asks her out for real] Have you thought this through?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, and I think we should go anyway.

Sheldon Cooper: After you used the facilities at the gas station, did you make a purchase?
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: It's customary when using the restroom at a retail establishment to make a small purchase. Did you?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: [snorts] Here's two dollars. Go buy some beef jerky.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want beef jerky.
Sheldon Cooper: It's not about *you*. It's about a poor immigrant from Pakistan trying to make his way in America by working the graveyard shift at the Colorado Boulevard Chevron.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cushion Saturation (#2.16)" (2009)
Penny: [Penny turns over the sofa cushion to hide the paint spot on Sheldon's seat] There! Looks fine, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm... butt print. There's not discernible butt print.
Penny: Oh, come on.
[Sits on cushion]
Penny: There! Butt print.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's too small and too... perfect.
Penny: Thank you!

Rajesh Koothrappali: [the guys just found out that Howard has been hooking up with Leslie] Plus you got a rapid prototyper. That's an expensive piece of equipment, dude!
Leonard Hofstadter: The rest of us have had our budgets cut to the bone.
Howard Wolowitz: OK, one way to look at this is that I'm getting new equipment and you're not, and that's unfair. But a better way to look at this is that I'm getting sex and you're not, and that's delightful!

Penny: [after unsuccessfully trying to clean the paint off Sheldon's seat] What are we going to do?
Leonard Hofstadter: We? No, no, no. You had your chance to be "we" for like a year and a half now. Right now you are you, and you are screeewwwed!

[last lines]
[to Leslie, Howard and Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: Where are you going?
Leslie Winkle: Surrender, then Denny's.

[before the paintball match]
Sheldon Cooper: There's just one thing before we start.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is it, Sheldon?
[Sheldon shoots Penny with his paintball gun]
Penny: What the hell?
Sheldon Cooper: That was for my cushion!
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, Penny was our only hope!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, Leonard, but revenge is a dish best served cold.
Penny: Screw that!
[Penny shoots Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: She can't shoot me, she's dead!
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] He's right, you can't.
[shoots Sheldon himself]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, if we're going to descend into anarchy...
[shoots Leonard]

Leslie Winkle: Howard, I got the approval for the rapid prototyper you wanted.
Howard Wolowitz: That's great, Leslie, thanks.
Leslie Winkle: You scratch my back, I scratch your back. Meow!
Rajesh Koothrappali: What was all that about?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, uh, no big deal, they gave Leslie control over some unrestricted grant money.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, okay, but what's with the "back scratching" and the "meow."
Sheldon Cooper: I believe the "back scratching" metaphor generally describes a quid pro quo situation where one party provides goods or services to second party in compensation for a similar action.
Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastically] Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: The "meow." That sounded to me like an African civet cat.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you done?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Despite what the name suggests, the civet cat, is not a true cat.
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Now I'm done.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You know what I'm thinking? I'm thinking, Howard wasn't making a back scratching metaphor. I'm thinking there was some actual scratching involved.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about it, Howard?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, I didn't want to say anything, cause I know you and Leslie have a little... history.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care about that.
Howard Wolowitz: Great, 'cause I've been dying to say something.
Leonard Hofstadter: You and Leslie?
Howard Wolowitz: In the paintball shed! Twice!
Sheldon Cooper: Is that why you didn't cover our escape, and let us get cut down like animals?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, sorry about that.
Sheldon Cooper: My good man, dereliction of duty in the face of the enemy is a court martial offense.
Howard Wolowitz: Court martial, schmort martial. Leslie Winkle is the fifth girl I've ever had sex with!
[pause]
Howard Wolowitz: I mean for free.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: You're in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then, what difference does it make?
Sheldon Cooper: What difference does it make?
Leonard Hofstadter: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: That is my spot, in an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four dimensional Cartesian coordinate system, that spot, at the moment I first sat on it, would be 0-0-0-0.
Penny: [blank stare] What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sit in his spot.
Penny: Fine.
[changes spots]
Penny: Happy?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not unhappy.
[Sheldon exits]
Penny: Boy, I love him, but he is one serious wackadoodle.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't you just eat in your desk chair?
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't I just eat in my desk chair?
Penny: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: That is my desk chair. That is where I work. I don't eat in my desk chair and I don't work in my spot. I work in my desk chair and eat in my spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Penny] Wackadoodle.
Howard Wolowitz: You know, there's kind of an obvious solution here.
[to Raj]
Howard Wolowitz: Get up.
[places Raj's cushion in Sheldon's spot]
Howard Wolowitz: There, problem solved.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: Nobody cares where you're gonna sit, you're not crazy.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, the problem is not solved. If your head had been accidentally amputated and we transplanted a dog's head in it's place, would that be problem solved?
Leonard Hofstadter: If it were your head, it would be.

Penny: There, nice and comfy, cozy. 0-0-0.
Sheldon Cooper: There's one more 0. You forgot the time perimeter.
Penny: Sit on the damn couch.
[sniffs the couch, slowly sits, for barely an instant]
Sheldon Cooper: Nope.
Penny: What do you mean "nope"? What's wrong with it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Nothing! It's what's wrong with him!
Penny: It's exactly the same...
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, Penny, I think I know what to do. Sheldon, I have some bad news.
Sheldon Cooper: More?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm afraid so. You know the cashew chicken I get you on Monday nights?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, from Szechwan Palace.
Leonard Hofstadter: Szechwan Palace closed two years ago.
Sheldon Cooper: What? Where did my cashew chicken come from?
Leonard Hofstadter: Golden Dragon.
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon drops into the spot] No. No, this isn't right. No, our food always comes in Szechwan Palace containers.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well before they went out of business, I bought 4000 containers. I keep them in the trunk of my car.
Sheldon Cooper: But - oh this changes everything.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought that might take his mind off the cushion.
Sheldon Cooper: What's real? What isn't? How can I know?
Penny: You did make that up right?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I wish I had.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, buddy?
Sheldon Cooper: I still don't like this cushion.

Leonard Hofstadter: [trying to tell Sheldon that Penny accidentally made a mess of his cushion] You know what the best thing about friends is?
Sheldon Cooper: They don't talk incessantly for no particular reason?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, friends forgive the little things.
Penny: You know, I'm gonna go home and wash my hair, so...
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you dare, missy!

Penny: Oooh, is this one of those paintball guns?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, you ought to come with use sometime.
Penny: Oh, no thanks. I'm from Nebraska; when we shoot things it's because we want to eat 'em or make 'em leave our boyfriends alone.

Sheldon: Hello, Penny.
Penny: Hello, Sheldon.
Sheldon: You're in my spot.
Penny: Are you planning on sitting here?
Sheldon: No, I'm going to the comic book store.
Penny: Then what difference does it make?
Sheldon: What difference does it make?
Leonard Hofstadter: Here we go.
Sheldon: That is my spot. In an ever-changing world, it is a single point of consistency. If my life were expressed as a function on a four-dimensional Cartesian coordinate system that spot at the moment I first sat on it would be 0-0-0-0.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sit in his spot.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Engagement Reaction (#4.23)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, let's go!
Sheldon Cooper: To a hospital? Full of sick people? Oh, I don't think so.
Penny: Okay, well, your friend and his mother are there. We're going!
Sheldon Cooper: I can't.
Penny: Oh, don't tell me you're afraid of germs.
Sheldon Cooper: Not all germs. Just the ones that will kill me. The same way I'm not afraid of all steak knives; just the ones that might be plunged in my thorax.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah-uh, fine, I'll tell Howard you didn't come because you're more concerned about your own well-being than his.
Sheldon Cooper: I would think he would know that.
Penny: Okay, you know what? You are unbelievable. You buy all these superhero T-shirts but when it's time for you to step up and do the right thing, you just hide in the laundry room.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll go. Just for the record, my Aunt Ruth died in a hospital. She went in to visit my Uncle Roger, caught something, and bit the dust a week later. The two of them now share a coffee can on my mother's mantel.

Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a history of heart disease in your family?
Howard Wolowitz: My family *is* the history of heart disease. There's a cave painting in France of one of ancestors doing this.
[clutches his chest]

Leonard Hofstadter: It's nice that they're getting along.
Raj Koothrappali: Your girlfriend and your ex-girlfriend hang out together? Oh yeah. That can only be good for you.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Raj Koothrappali: One of them broke up with you; do you really want her telling the other one why?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care. I don't have anything to hide.
Raj Koothrappali: Good, good. Then you've nothing to worry about.
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I do not.
[pauses]
Leonard Hofstadter: You are a mean little man!
Raj Koothrappali: You'd think it'd be because my parents didn't love me, but actually they loved me a great deal.

Leonard Hofstadter: There are a couple of things I did with Penny that might be a little silly...
Raj Koothrappali: Like what?
Leonard Hofstadter: Every once in a while, before we'd go to bed, I'd put on a little show for her.
Raj Koothrappali: What do you mean "a show"?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, like the way I took my clothes off.
Raj Koothrappali: Like to music?
Leonard Hofstadter: It'd look pretty stupid if there was no music!
Raj Koothrappali: So you'd do a striptease?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I wasn't swinging around a pole
Raj Koothrappali: Good, good...
Leonard Hofstadter: There was one time I put body glitter on.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, I don't think you have to worry about Penny telling my sister that.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, she wouldn't.
Raj Koothrappali: Your big problem is me telling her.
Leonard Hofstadter: You really are a mean little man.

Leonard Hofstadter: What took you guys so long?
Priya Koothrappali: Oh, we were just chatting.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's nice. What about?
Penny: We were just comparing notes about how you are in the sack.
[Penny and Leonard laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: [uncomfortable] That's funny.
Penny: Yeah.
Raj Koothrappali: [after Penny and Priya walk to their seats] What if she wasn't kidding?
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter. I'm the king of foreplay.

[last lines]
[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a with a quarantined Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Mountain Elf.
Raj Koothrappali: He takes the elf from off the shelf.
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Hellhounds.
Raj Koothrappali: Hellhounds!
[to the tune of "Who Let The Dogs Out"]
Raj Koothrappali: Who let the Satanic dogs out? Who, who, who?
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Colossal Serpent.
Raj Koothrappali: [grabs his crotch] I've got a colossal serpent *right here*.
Sheldon Cooper: [exasperated] Must you?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry, I'm just trying to cheer my buddy up.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Rotting Zombie.
[brief pause]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon's new Facebook photo.
Sheldon Cooper: Zandor, wizard of the North, ha, I win!
Howard Wolowitz: If you skip the part about being under a two week quarantine because you were exposed to a deadly disease, absolutely.

Sheldon Cooper: I gargled with tequila and may have swallowed a teeny bit.
Leonard Hofstadter: You all right?
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. Thank you for asking. I love you so much.

Leonard Hofstadter: What did your mother say when you told her you were getting married?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He hasn't told her yet; he's waiting for the right time.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I was thinking of weaving it into her eulogy.
Priya Koothrappali: Howard, you've got to tell your mother!
Howard Wolowitz: [about Leonard] Hey, have you told your parents you're dating this short glass of skim milk yet?
Priya Koothrappali: Uh, that's different. First of all, we're not engaged. And second, Indian parents are very protective of their children.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, right. Whereas Jewish mothers take a casual la-di-da approach to their sons.

[Sheldon takes a drink of water]
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon, that's my water.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear Lord!
[he runs into the bathroom]
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not your water.
Raj Koothrappali: I know.
[Leonard smiles]
Sheldon Cooper: [off-screen] Where's the mouth wash?
Raj Koothrappali: [pulling it out from underneath the cushion next to him] Where indeed?

[the guys are playing Mystic Warlords of Ka'a]
Sheldon Cooper: [plays card] Fire demon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, fire demon, Sheldon's turning up the heat!
Howard Wolowitz: [plays card] Troll master.
Raj Koothrappali: Check it, Howard pulls one out from under the bridge. Nice!
Leonard Hofstadter: [plays card] Water nymph.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh yeah, she's got puddles in all the right places.
Sheldon Cooper: Could you please play the game without commenting on every card?
Raj Koothrappali: Sorry.
[plays card]
Raj Koothrappali: Walking tree.
[looks at Sheldon imploringly]
Sheldon Cooper: Last one
Raj Koothrappali: I'm taking a stroll and I'm sporting wood!

Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette and my mother are having a get-to-know-you lunch at the Old Town Deli.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, that sounds lovely.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope so. Course, if history is any indication my mother will swallow her whole and spit out her bones like an owl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Have you met Bernadette's parents?
Howard Wolowitz: You mean Adolph and Eva? Not yet, one goose-step at a time.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Werewolf Transformation (#5.18)" (2012)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just going to run to the store and get a few things; I'll pick you up when you're done.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. I-I like it a little better when you stay, but all right.
Angelo: Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello. I'm here for my haircut with Mr. D'Onofrio.
Angelo: I'm sorry. Uncle Tony's in hospital. He's pretty sick.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear. Mr. D'Onofrio is in the hospital. Why do these things always happen to me?
Angelo: I could cut it for you.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not Mr. D'Onofrio. I get my haircut by Mr. D'Onofrio.
[to Leonard]
Sheldon Cooper: You believe this guy?

Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Trying to get the hair out of my eyes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you are one day late for your haircut.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you for captioning my nightmare.

Penny: You know, Sheldon, I used to cut my brother's hair. I could do it for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, I know you mean well, offering the skills of the hill-folk. But here in town we don't churn our own butter, we don't make dresses out of gunny sacks, and sure-as-shootin' don't get our hair cut by bottle blonde...
Leonard Hofstadter: [interrupting] Sheldon, be nice!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. It's the bad boy attitude that comes with this hair.

Penny: So, if I move my horsey here... Isn't that checkmate and I win?
Leonard Hofstadter: [long pause] Hm.
Penny: Well, is it or isn't it?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, I think this is a good stopping point. Uh... it's your first real game, I threw a lot of information at you...
Penny: Uh, no, your king is trapped. He can't go here because of my lighthouse, and he can't go here because because of my pointy-head guy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like I said, complicated game.
Penny: So did I win or not?
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you have fun? Because if you had fun, then you are, you are a winner. And that's... that's what chess is all about.
Sheldon Cooper: [coming in] Hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Penny: Oh, hey. Sorry, Sheldon, I'll move.
Sheldon Cooper: Nah, why? My spot, your spot... What difference does it make?
Penny: Okay, what just happened?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. Between you playing chess like Bobby Fischer and Sheldon being okay with you in his spot, I'm guessing someone went back in time, stepped on a bug and changed the course of human events.

Penny: Sweetie, are you all right?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm not all right. It's been six days since I was supposed to get a haircut. And nothing horrible has happened.
Penny: Okay, I'm sorry, I don't understand.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, explain it to her.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Uh, he's crazy.

Leonard Hofstadter: I think this could be good for you. Maybe it's time for you to shake things up a bit.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. I should embrace the chaos.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great! What are you gonna do first?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. I could do anything. All bets are off. The world is my oyster.
[hammers his hand at the table]
Sheldon Cooper: I got it. I'm gonna put on my Tuesday pajamas tonight.

Leonard Hofstadter: [waking up by hearing rhythm sounds] Don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos. Please, don't let this be Sheldon playing bongos.
[gets up, walks into the living room]
Sheldon Cooper: [playing bongos, "sings" to the rhythms] Hello, Leonard, do you like my bongos? Bet you didn't know that I had bongos.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, it's three o'clock in the morning.
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Three in the morning is a good time for bongos!
Leonard Hofstadter: I was sleeping!
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Leonard sleeps while I play bongos!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, he doesn't.
Sheldon Cooper: [sings] Leonard no sleep while I play bongos! Bongo solo!
[plays wilder]

Penny: Why did you get bongos?
Sheldon Cooper: Richard Feynman played the bongos. I thought I'd give that a try.
Leonard Hofstadter: Richard Feynman was a famous physicist.
Penny: Leonard, it's three o'clock in the morning! I don't care if Richard Feynman was a purple leprechaun who lived in my butt!

Penny: All right, Sheldon, this craziness has gone on long enough. Please come home so I can cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, you're not trained, you're not licensed, and most importantly, you don't have access to my haircut records.
Penny: All right, honey, look. We've known each other for a long time now, right? I've taken you to Disneyland, I kicked a bully in the nuts for you, I sing you "Soft Kitty" when you're sick, you've even seen me naked once.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, what?
Penny: It's a long story. Anyway, Sheldon, I promise I know what I'm doing. Please let me cut your hair.
Sheldon Cooper: Amy, what do you think?
Amy Farrah Fowler: There's not a hair on my body I wouldn't let this woman trim.

Sheldon Cooper: I have spent my whole life trying to bring order to the universe by carefully planning every moment of every day - but all my efforts: our dinner schedule, my pajama rotation, my bowel movement spreadsheet - it's clear now; I've been wasting my time.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good. I'm taking that disgusting chart off the fridge.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you're a grown man, he's a professional, and your haircut is number three on that poster from 1946. Just sit down and let him do it.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. But if I come out of this looking like a dork, it's on you.
[Sheldon sits down and Angelo starts preparations to cut his hair]
Angelo: So my kid did the funniest thing today...
Sheldon Cooper: No.
[Stands up and walks out]
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Angelo] When you tell this story later, the word we usually use is quirky.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Rhinitis Revelation (#5.6)" (2011)
Mary Cooper: Sheldon, you pester me one more time about chicken, I will put you over my knee right here in this restaurant.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Sheldon] Please pester her, please, for me.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, Mrs. Cooper, what did you think of the sushi?
Mary Cooper: It was good. Only thing would've made it better if it was cooked... And if it was beef.

Mary Cooper: Sheldon, when is your landlord gonna fix the elevator?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. Lately we've been talking about converting it into a missile silo.
Leonard Hofstadter: Your son seems to think we need to launch a preemptive strike on Burbank.
Sheldon Cooper: Get them before they get us.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you're talking like a crazy person.
Mary Cooper: Actually, I had him tested as a child. Doctor says he's fine.
Sheldon Cooper: Told you.
Mary Cooper: Although I do regret not following up with that specialist in Houston.

Raj Koothrappali: [Raj is sitting on the floor, drunk, with a 6 pack, half drunk] Hey, look who decided to show up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, what are you doing?
Raj Koothrappali: I couldn't find you guys, so I bought 6 new friends. 3, sadly, are dead.

Mary Cooper: [about Sheldon and Amy] You have any idea what's going on with those two?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's kinda like the Loch Ness Monster. Maybe there something there, maybe there isn't. We'll probably never know. But, sometimes it's fun to creep yourself out thinking about it.

Sheldon Cooper: You are in for a treat; my mother's fried chicken is why we had to buy my dad the extra-large coffin.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, she just got off the plane. She doesn't want to cook.
Sheldon Cooper: Wha-uh? Of course she does. Making me food is her way of saying I love you. Making me food when she's too tired to cook is her way of saying I really love you.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to get my pecan pie, am I?
Leonard Hofstadter: Want some Oreos?
Sheldon Cooper: Double stuff?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's regular.
Sheldon Cooper: Nice. Kick a man when he's down.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: So, what kind of cruise is this you're going on?
Mary Cooper: It's called The Born-Again Boat-ride. 'Christian Quarterly' gave it their highest rating, five thorny crowns. I do wish you'd come with me, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Uh, well, Mom, if I did, it would be conclusive proof that your God can work miracles.
Mary Cooper: You're missing out; it's going to be wall-to-wall fun; it's all themed. There's Jonah and the Whale-watching. All you can eat Last Supper buffet. And, my personal favorite, Gunning with God.
Leonard Hofstadter: What's Gunning with God? I'm afraid to ask.
Mary Cooper: Oh, it is a hoot-and-a-half. You write your sins on a clay pigeon, they fire 'em up in the air, and you pulverize 'em with a 12-gauge shotgun full of our Lord's forgiveness.
Sheldon Cooper: Frankly, Mom, I'm encouraged to see how advanced your group has become. You're willing to sail out into the ocean without fear of falling off the edge.
Mary Cooper: For example, if Shelly was aboard, he'd write 'smart-mouth' on his pigeon. And then *BAM*!
Sheldon Cooper: The Lord giveth and the Lord bloweth away.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Does this mean you're not going to sing 'Soft Kitty'?
Mary Cooper: No, I will always sing you 'Soft Kitty'.
[sings]
Mary Cooper: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.
Leonard Hofstadter: [sticks his head in the door] Mru. Cooper, were we supposed to take that pie out of the ov...
Sheldon Cooper: [snaps] Get out!
[Sheldon leaves]
Mary Cooper: Well, that was rude.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I know, but he means well. Sing.
Mary Cooper: [sings] Happy kitty, sleepy kitty...
Sheldon Cooper: What are you trying to pull, Mom? From the top.
Mary Cooper: [looking upwards] This is what I'm talking about.
[sings]
Mary Cooper: Soft kitty, warm kitty, little ball of fur.

Mary Cooper: I thought it was our Indians that had the occasional alcohol problem.
Leonard Hofstadter: We don't say that either. I'll make you a list.
Mary Cooper: Oh, that'd be mighty white of you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Codpiece Topology (#2.2)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: I think tonight was a very good start.
Leslie Winkle: Me too. You're sure you're okay postponing intercourse until our relationship is past the initial viability test?
Leonard Hofstadter: No problem, I'm very skilled at postponing intercourse.

Howard Wolowitz: Penny with her new boyfriend. Tres awkward.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not awkward. It's not fun...

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm glad Penny's dating. Now I can really let loose.
Howard Wolowitz: You were holding back?
Leonard Hofstadter: Out of courtesy, yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: What about the ten years before Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I've date plenty of women.
Howard Wolowitz: Like who?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, there's Joyce Kim, Leslie Winkle...
[pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Notify the editors of the Oxford English Dictionary: the word "plenty" has been redefined to mean "two".

Sheldon Cooper: You know how I can tell we're not in the Matrix?
Leonard Hofstadter: How?
Sheldon Cooper: If we were, the food would be better.

Sheldon Cooper: Look on the bright side.
Leonard Hofstadter: What bright side?
Sheldon Cooper: Only nine more months until ComicCon.
Leonard Hofstadter: [smiling] Oh, yeah.

Sheldon Cooper: [Referring to their Renaissance Fair costumes] I fashioned historically accurate undergarments out of linen.
Leonard Hofstadter: You went out and bought linen?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be silly. I borrowed one of your pillowcases.
Leonard Hofstadter: Borrowed?

Rajesh Koothrappali: What happens in costume at Comicon stays at Comicon!
Howard Wolowitz: You're only saying that because of what happened to you.
Leonard Hofstadter: What happened to you?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Nothing happened to me.
Howard Wolowitz: It's not your fault, Raj. He was dressed as a green Orion slave girl.

Leslie Winkle: So, I heard your relationship with Penny crashed to the ground like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where did you hear that?
Leslie Winkle: Actually I read it: Wolowitz texted me.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Reading her phone] ... like blue ice falling out of an airplane lavatory. Yep!
Leslie Winkle: I thought it was pretty a good one. I gave him an "LOL."

Leonard Hofstadter: [Referring to their upcoming date] How do you suggest we proceed?
Leslie Winkle: Your place. We'll order Chinese, you'll rent a movie - artsy but accessible - then light petting, no coitus.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds fun...
Leslie Winkle: I'll leave the details up to you. I think it's better if you assume the male role.

Leonard Hofstadter: [wants Sheldon to leave because he has a date] Nevertheless I have one now, and I'd appreciate it if you'd, you know, make yourself scarce.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an IQ which can't be accurately be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?

Leonard Hofstadter: What's so unusual about me having a date?
Sheldon: Well, statistically speaking...
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, all right! Nevertheless, I have one now and I'd appreciate it if, you know, made yourself scarce.
Sheldon: Leonard, I am a published theoretical physicist with two doctorates and an i.q. which can't be measured by normal tests. How much scarcer could I be?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Precious Fragmentation (#3.17)" (2010)
Penny: Okay, just to be clear, the first piece of jewelry my boyfriend gives me is a prop from a movie and I don't even get to keep it?
Howard Wolowitz: If you had gone out with me three years ago, by now you'd have my great-aunt Ida's brooch that she smuggled out of occupied Belgium in a cat.
Leonard Hofstadter: How am I looking now?

Sheldon Cooper: I would advise the three of you that resistance is futile. I have endless patience. I once spent two-and-a-half hours on hold with Hewlett-Packard customer service just to complain about their customer service.
Leonard Hofstadter: You want to talk about endless patience? Penny made me watch all five seasons of Sex and the City.
Raj Koothrappali: There's six seasons, dude.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aw, crap!

Sheldon Cooper: [Penny hits Sheldon when he tried to get the ring from her neck in her sleep] You hit me! I'm bleeding!
Leonard Hofstadter: What was that?
Penny: Sheldon tried to take the ring and I punched him.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's my girl.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I always have to carry the heavy stuff?
Sheldon Cooper: Well it's very simple. In our ragtag band of scientists with nothing to lose, I am the smart one, Wolowitz is the funny one, and Koothrappali is the loveable foreigner who struggles to understand our ways and fails. That leaves you, by default, as the muscle.
Leonard Hofstadter: One more floor and I'd be the pulled muscle.

Sheldon Cooper: [Takes the ring] Mine!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it is not yours. We all went in on the box together.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but I found it in the box, and the laws of maritime salvage clearly state that the finder of a sunken treasure is the owner of the treasure.
Leonard Hofstadter: How is this maritime salvage?
Sheldon Cooper: Other than the lack of water, how is it not?

Sheldon Cooper: Where's the ring?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's in a FedEx box on its way back to where it came from.
Raj Koothrappali: The fires of Mount Doom?

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Give us the precious.
Leonard Hofstadter: Never!
Sheldon Cooper: [they fight] Give it to me!
Leonard Hofstadter: Get off of me!
Sheldon Cooper: Give me the ring!
Sheldon Cooper: It's mine!
Penny: OK. I gotta go back to dating dumb guys from the gym.
Sheldon Cooper: Give it to me! I said give it to me!
Leonard Hofstadter: Mi-i-i-i-i-ne!

Penny: Whatcha doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Last one holding the ring decides its fate. I know it sounds silly.
Penny: No, no, no no no no, you are my boyfriend; nothing you do is silly to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Penny: FYI, this is a bag from Victoria's Secret.
[goes into her apartment]
Leonard Hofstadter: [long pause] I'm out.
[follows her]

Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard refuses to let Sheldon have the ring] I don't understand why, in this group, I never get my way.
[Leonard does a double take, unable to believe what he just heard]
Leonard Hofstadter: You *always* get your way!
Sheldon Cooper: I'll stipulate to that if you give me the ring.

[Leonard, Sheldon, Raj, and Howard climb the stairs of the apartment building all still holding the ring]
Howard Wolowitz: You know, there comes a point where this becomes idiotic.
Leonard Hofstadter: It wasn't when we were driving like this?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Nerdvana Annihilation (#1.14)" (2008)
[upset by Penny's comments, Leonard sits in the time machine]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, it's two in the morning.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So, it's my turn.

Leonard Hofstadter: What if I knocked you unconscious right now?
Sheldon Cooper: It won't change the past.
Leonard Hofstadter: But it'd make the present so much nicer.

Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard has won a bid on a miniature time machine prop from the movie "The Time Machine"] I wonder why no one else bid. This is a classic piece of sci-fi movie memorabilia.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know. But, I still can't afford it.
Howard Wolowitz: Why don't we share it? We'll each put in two hundred bucks and we'll take turns having it in our house.
Raj Koothrappali: A time share time machine. I'm in. Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Wha-? Need you ask? I still don't understand why no one else bid.
Sheldon Cooper: [cut to the lobby of Leonard and Sheldon's apartment building; the prop is life-size] I understand why no one else bid.

Sheldon Cooper: [looking at the time machine prop in the apartment] I don't know what you were worried about. I think it really works in the room.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. It is by far the coolest thing I have ever owned.
Sheldon Cooper: The exact time machine that carried actor Rod Taylor from Victorian England into the post-apocalyptic future, where society had splintered into two factions: the subterranean Morlocks, who survived by feasting on the flesh of the gentle surface-dwelling Eloi.
Howard Wolowitz: Talk about your chick magnets.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, yeah. The guy who lives next to me is always like "I have a jacuzzi on my balcony. I have a jacuzzi on my balcony." But wait until I tell him I've got a time machine on my balcony. Stuff that in your Speedos, Jacuzzi Bob.
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I know we said we'd take turns but I think you'll agree that practicality dictates it remain here.
Howard Wolowitz: You can't just keep it here! What if I meet a girl and say "You wanna come up and see my time machine? It's at my friend's house." How lame is that?
Raj Koothrappali: He's got a point.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. I think we're going to need some ground rules. In addition to the expected "no shoes in the time machine" and "no eating in the time machine", I propose that we add "Pants must be worn at all times in the time machine."
Leonard Hofstadter: Seconded.
Howard Wolowitz: [sheepishly] I was gonna put down a towel.

Raj Koothrappali: I still want it on my balcony. I say we move it on a bimonthly basis.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, that sounds fair.
Sheldon Cooper: Hold on. "Bimonthly" is an ambiguous term. Do you mean every other month or twice a month?
Raj Koothrappali: Twice a month.
Sheldon Cooper: Then no.
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, every other month.
Sheldon Cooper: No.

Leonard Hofstadter: Anyone wanna buy my share of the time machine?
Raj Koothrappali: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: 'Cause I don't want it anymore.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just personal reasons.
Sheldon Cooper: My Spidey sense tells me this has something to do with Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, do you wanna buy me out or not?
Raj Koothrappali: I'll give $100, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Howard Wolowitz: Screw his balcony. I'll give you $120 and we'll put it in my garage.
Leonard Hofstadter: I paid $200 for my share.
Raj Koothrappali: Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Sheldon, Raj, and Howard are arguing over who can give Leonard the best price for his collection] Forget it. Guys, if I sell to one of you, the other two are gonna be really mad at me.
Sheldon Cooper: Who cares, as long as you pick me?
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, Leonard, put down the box. Let's talk.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, Raj, my mind is made up.
Sheldon Cooper: [blocking the stairwell] No. I can't let you do this.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, get out of my way.
Sheldon Cooper: [taking a plastic sword from Leonard's box] None shall pass.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. I did not want to do this, but I have here the rare, mint-condition production error "Star Trek: The Next Generation" Geordi La Forge without his VISOR, in the original packaging. If you do not get out my way... I will open it.
Howard Wolowitz: [nervously] Okay, man, be cool. We're all friends here.

Penny: [hearing the commotion in the hallway] If this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said. I was just upset.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I needed to hear it.
Penny: No, you didn't. Look, you are a great guy. And it is the things you love that make you who you are.
Howard Wolowitz: [sotto to Raj] I guess that makes me large breasts.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, this sandwich is an unmitigated disaster. I asked for turkey and roast beef with lettuce and Swiss cheese on whole wheat.
Raj Koothrappali: What did they give you?
Sheldon Cooper: Turkey and roast beef with Swiss cheese and lettuce on whole wheat.
[Raj and Wolowitz just look at Sheldon, dumbfounded]
Sheldon Cooper: It's the right ingredients, but in the wrong order. In a proper sandwich, the cheese is adjacent to the bread to create a moisture barrier against the lettuce. They might as well have dragged this thing through a car wash.
Leonard Hofstadter: [at his computer, not paying attention] I don't believe it.
Sheldon Cooper: I know. It's basic culinary science.

Raj Koothrappali: [the time machine prop Leonard bought is life-size] Did the listing actually say "miniature"?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just assumed. Well, who sells a full-sized time machine for $800?
Sheldon Cooper: In a Venn diagram, that would be an individual located within the intersection of the sets "No longer want my time machine" and "Need $800".
Howard Wolowitz: It's actually a tremendous bargain. Even with shipping, it works out to less than $4 a pound.
Raj Koothrappali: Cocktail shrimp are $12.50.
Leonard Hofstadter: How are we gonna get it upstairs?
Howard Wolowitz: If we take the dish off, it might fit in the elevator.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but the elevator's been broken for two years.
Sheldon Cooper: I've been meaning to ask you: do you think we should make a call about that?
Howard Wolowitz: Not necessary. I have a master's in engineering. I remotely repair satellites on a regular basis. I troubleshoot space shuttle payloads.
[Howard walks over to the elevator]
Howard Wolowitz: When the Mars Rover started pulling to the left, I performed a front-end alignment from 62 million miles away.
[Howard presses the elevator call button, then puts his ear to the elevator doors]
Howard Wolowitz: [walking back to the group] No, that baby's broken.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Hofstadter Polarization (#1.9)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: You can not blow up my head with your mind.
Sheldon Cooper: Then I'll settle for an aneurysm.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Hang on. Do you not realize what we just did?
Penny: Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, no, we turned out stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
Penny: Ohhhh. You know, you can just get one of those universal remotes from Radio Shack. They're really cheap.

Penny: [picking out clothes from Leonard's closet] Okay. Well, let's just see what else you have. Okay, here, take this, and this, and this, and these...
Leonard Hofstadter: Is this all stuff you want me to try on?
Penny: No, this is the stuff I want you to throw out. Seriously, don't even give it to charity; you won't be helping anyone.

Leonard Hofstadter: What is this letter doing in the trash?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, it may be that a trashcan spontaneously formed around the letter, but Occam's Razor suggests that someone threw it away.

Leonard Hofstadter: We have to do this.
Sheldon Cooper: No, we have to take in nourishment, expel waste and breathe in enough oxygen to keep our cells from dying. Everything else is purely optional.

Penny: What is this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that is the bottled city of Kandor.
Penny: Uh-huh.
Leonard Hofstadter: You see, Kandor was the capital city of Krypton, until it was shrunk by Braniac before Krypton was destroyed. It was then rescued by Superman.
Penny: Oh. It's nice.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a lot cooler when girls aren't looking at it.

Howard Wolowitz: I just checked the house, there must be twenty, twenty-five people in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow.
Penny: Is that good?
Leonard Hofstadter: In physics, twenty-five is Woodstock.

[after Leonard and Sheldon's brawl]
Howard Wolowitz: You won't believe it.
Raj Koothrappali: Someone got the whole thing on their cell phone and put it on YouTube.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, who would do that?
Howard Wolowitz: That would be me.

Sheldon Cooper: Was the apple falling on Newton's head, was that just an anecdote?
Leonard Hofstadter: You are not Isaac Newton.
Sheldon Cooper: No, no, that's true. Gravity would have been apparent to me without the apple.
Leonard Hofstadter: You cannot possibly be that arrogant.
Sheldon Cooper: You continue to underestimate me, my good man.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? I am tired of your condescension. Maybe I didn't go to college when I was eleven, like you. Maybe I got my doctorate when I was twenty-four instead of sixteen. But you are not the only person who is smarter than everybody else in this room!
[Sheldon nods pointedly at the audience]
Leonard Hofstadter: No offense. And I am clearly not the only person who is tormented by insecurity and has an ego in need of constant validation.
Sheldon Cooper: So you admit you're an egotist?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes!
[turning to the audience]
Leonard Hofstadter: My name is Dr. Leonard Hofstadter and I could never please my parents, so I need to get all of my self-esteem from strangers like you. But *he's worse*!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Classified Materials Turbulence (#2.22)" (2009)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Smell that? That's the smell of new comic books.
[takes a deep breath]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, yes!
Howard Wolowitz: They're on me today, boys.
Rajesh Koothrappali: You're paying? Have you been selling your sperm again?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'm celebrating. As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station, where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero-Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, get over yourself. It's a high-tech toilet.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just think, thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Howard Wolowitz: Is that supposed to be funny?
Sheldon Cooper: I believe it is. The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb "to go" suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, make your little jokes. But of the four of us, I'm the only one making any real-world contribution to science and technology.
Rajesh Koothrappali: He's right. This is an important achievement for two reasons: Number one, and of course, number two.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, clever! Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.

Rajesh Koothrappali: Interesting, Penny's current suitor asking advice from her former suitor.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, thanks for closed-captioning my pain, Raj.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you wanna make sure he gets nowhere with Penny without jeopardizing your friendship with either of them?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm listening.
Howard Wolowitz: Just tell him to do everything you've done with her for the last two years.

Sheldon Cooper: You have to check your messages, Leonard! The leaving of a message is one half of a social contract, which is completed by the checking of the message! If that contract breaks down, then all social contracts break down, and we descend into anarchy!
Leonard Hofstadter: It must be hell inside your head.
Sheldon Cooper: At times.

Penny: He's very shy; how do I make him feel more comfortable around me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, first of all, don't underestimate the value of discomfort.
Penny: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, Stuart thrives under pressure. That's why he works in a comic book store.

Leonard Hofstadter: I deliberately tried to sabotage Stuart's date with Penny.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course you feel terrible. You completely screwed up your karma, dude.
Sheldon Cooper: You don't really believe in that superstition, do you?
Rajesh Koothrappali: It's not superstition, it's practically Newtonian. For every action there's an equal and opposite reaction. Leonard pretends to be a friend and acts like a two-faced bitch. Therefore, he is reborn as a banana slug. It's actually a very elegant system. You know, what goes around comes around.
Howard Wolowitz: [motions Raj to return to working on the space toilet] Speaking of what goes around comes around...

Howard Wolowitz: Where you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: Comic book store.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, an excellent idea! I could certainly use a break.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Me too.
Howard Wolowitz: Now hold on, you guys can go to the comic book store when man can once again safely poop in space.
Sheldon Cooper: Why does Leonard get to go?
Howard Wolowitz: Because he's upset over his situation with Penny, and if I have to hear about it again I'm gonna kick him in his ovaries.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks for understanding, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: I got your back, sister.

Penny: What the hell is that?
Howard Wolowitz: Meatloaf.
Leonard Hofstadter: What was it doing on the ceiling?
Howard Wolowitz: That's classified.

Howard Wolowitz: Guys, we have a code red.
Sheldon Cooper: You mean code red the hospital emergency alert, code red the computer worm, or Code Red the cherry flavored soft drink from the makers of Mountain Dew?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I was going over the schematics on my Zero-G toilet, and I made a teeny-tiny mistake on the specifications for the diverter valve.
Leonard Hofstadter: How teeny-tiny?
Howard Wolowitz: It's gonna fail after about ten flushes.
Sheldon Cooper: But the mission is for six months.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, see, that's the code red! It's kind of like a jack in the box. No one knows exactly when, but at some point, something way worse than a puppet is gonna pop out of that box.
Sheldon Cooper: Have you notified NASA?
Howard Wolowitz: No! You crazy? What am I gonna say, "I screwed up your toilet and pretty soon there's gonna be crap floating all over your nice shiny space station"?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you gonna do?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm gonna figure out how to fix it, then I'll tell them.
Leonard Hofstadter: So what do you need us for?
Rajesh Koothrappali: He can't figure out how to fix it.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, you said you were gonna be supportive.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm trying. But you have to admit, this is pretty damn funny!

Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone with NASA] Yes, sir, I understand classified. We'll keep it all classified. No one has to know anything about this but you and me.
Penny: What's classified?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard's space toilet. I'll tell you later.
Howard Wolowitz: [hanging up and sitting down to eat] Well, they've deployed our solution; let's just all hope it works.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see why I have to worry. My career's not hanging in the balance.
[Sheldon smirks at Howard]
Sheldon Cooper: That was a joke. It's funny because it's true.

Leonard Hofstadter: No, no that's the past. I'm really more of a right now kind of guy. You know, living in the moment. Although I do have to live a little in the future, 'cause, well, that's my job. Of course, my fondness for classic science fiction does draw my attention backwards, but those stories often take place in the future. In conclusion, no, it doesn't bother me.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Algorithm (#2.13)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: My point is, if you want to learn how to make friends, then just go out to a coffee shop or a museum, meet people, talk to them, take an interest in *their* lives.
Sheldon Cooper: That's insane on the face of it.

Leonard Hofstadter: There you go. Now any e-mail from Wolowitz will go right into your spam folder.
Penny: Thanks. I mean the e-mail doesn't bother me as much as the vacation pictures of him in a bathing suit.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I got the same one. And that's not a bathing suit, it's a tan line.

Leonard Hofstadter: What I'm trying to say is that maybe you can't approach this as a purely intellectual exercise.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, uh, remember when you tried to learn how to swim using the internet?
Sheldon Cooper: I *did* learn how to swim.
Leonard Hofstadter: On the floor.
Sheldon Cooper: The skills are transferable. I just have no interest in going in the water.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then why learn how to swim?
Sheldon Cooper: The ice caps are melting, Leonard. In the future, swimming isn't going to be optional.

Sheldon Cooper: I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard Wolowitz: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at ComiCon; make a fortune.

Rajesh Koothrappali: I'm curious; in the 'How Well Do You Know Sheldon' section, what did you put for his favorite amino acid?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Lysine.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Damn it! I had lysine and changed it!

[first lines]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Mmmm! Gentlemen, I put it to you: the worst tapioca pudding is better than the best pudding of any other flavor.
Sheldon Cooper: First off, that is axiomatically wrong because the best pudding is chocolate. Secondly, the organic structure of tapioca makes it a jiggling bowl of potential death. It is extracted from the plant...
Howard Wolowitz: - Hey, I'm thinking of growing a mustache.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no kidding. A Fu Manchu, a handlebar, pencil?
Sheldon Cooper: It's extracted from the plant...
Howard Wolowitz: I'm not sure yet. You know, George Clooney has one now.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Really? I once saw him shopping at Ralphs. He was buying tequila.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you'd think a guy like that would have some kind of booze lackey.
[Sheldon's face and eyes are twitching]
Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, this is cruel. We better let him finish before his head explodes.
Howard Wolowitz: Alright, Sheldon, why is tapioca...
[at lightning speed]
Sheldon Cooper: Tapioca is extracted from the root of the plant Manihot esculenta. Due to a high concentration of cyanide it is poisonous in its raw form and lethal if prepared improperly.
[takes a drink]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Feel better now?
Sheldon Cooper: It is also indigenous to Brazil, as is the cocoa bean from which we get chocolate, the best pudding.
[to Leonard]
Sheldon Cooper: You promised you wouldn't do that anymore.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, what are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm making friends with this little girl. What's your name?
Rebecca: Rebecca.
Sheldon Cooper: Hi, Rebecca. I'm your new friend, Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: [pulling Sheldon away] No, you're not. Let's go.
Sheldon Cooper: We were really hitting it off.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't look up, there's cameras.

[last lines]
[all three guys are looking upwards]
Howard Wolowitz: You got to give him credit for sticking with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't think he had it in him.
Rajesh Koothrappali: He almost made it to the top this time.
[camera pulls back to show Sheldon hanging in his harness, out cold]

Sheldon Cooper: Tsk, tsk, tsk. Your questionnaire, very disappointing.
Leonard Hofstadter: I answered every question, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: You answered the multiple choice questions in a pattern. See, A-B-B-A-C, A-B-B-A-C.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you picked up on that, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, wait... How could I not?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, uh, come on. There's over two hundred questions. And look at some of these things. "Sheldon is to camaraderie as the space shuttle is to blank."
Sheldon Cooper: There are a number of acceptable answers. For example, "c", near-Earth transport. But certainly not "b", avocado rancher. And your essay, suggesting that I'd have better luck making friends if I wait 'till the Cylons take over? Please.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hold on. I put some real work into that.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, well, it's better than what Wolowitz did. He drew a raccoon with what appears to be a distended scrotum.
Leonard Hofstadter: [looking at the drawing] It's kind of cute.
[Sheldon looks offended]
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, 'till you get to the scrotum.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. What hope do I have for establishing new relationships, given that my current friends apparently could not take a few hours out of their lives to help me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, Sheldon, I'm not going to defend a big-balled raccoon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I don't see how you could.

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, good. You're just in time. I believe I've isolated the algorithm for making friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, there is no algorithm for making friends.
Howard Wolowitz: Hear him out. If he's really onto something, we could open a booth at Comic-Con, make a fortune.
Sheldon Cooper: You see, my initial approach with Kripke had the same deficiencies as those that plagued Stu the Cockatoo when he was new at the zoo.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Stu the Cockatoo?
Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastic] Yes. He's new at the zoo.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Resurgence (#6.22)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: You may find this hard to believe, but I didn't have any friends growing up.
Professor Proton: No, I, I get that.
Sheldon Cooper: But, um, I did have you. And every day at 4 o'clock you'd come to my house on channel 68 and we'd do science together. If it hadn't been for you, who knows what would have become of me. You know, instead of a world class physicist I could have wound up as uh a hobo... or a surgeon.
Leonard Hofstadter: I bet there are important discoveries being made every day because you inspired millions of kids to pursue science. In a way their discoveries are your discoveries.
Sheldon Cooper: You- it's true. A generation of young scientists are standing on your shoulders.
Professor Proton: Well thanks, thanks, you guys. That, that, that means a lot.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's important you know how much you mean to us.

Sheldon Cooper: Professor Proton, it's an honor to meet you.
Professor Proton: Just, just call me Arthur.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. Did you hear that? Professor Proton said I should call him Arthur. That means we're friends.
Professor Proton: No. A, a friend would have, would have told me about the elevator.
Sheldon Cooper: Look at me. I can get as close to you as I want without my mom saying its going to ruin my eyes.
Professor Proton: Is, uh, is he dangerous?
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, he's a genius.
Sheldon Cooper: I am.
Professor Proton: Tha-that doesn't answer my question.

Professor Proton: Is the, is the blonde girl really your, your girlfriend?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, sir.
Professor Proton: You're the genius.

Professor Proton: Oh oh.
Penny: Arthur, are you OK?
Professor Proton: I'm having a... problem with my pacemaker.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll, I'll call for help.
Penny: Any chance we could plug it into the potato?
Professor Proton: ...No.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you know that if you stay up all night you're going to be sleepy tomorrow, and a sleepy Sheldon is a cranky Sheldon, and a cranky Sheldon... is absolutely no different than a regular Sheldon. Good night!

Sheldon Cooper: Professor Proton hosted my favorite science show when I was a child. I never missed an episode. Uh, he demonstrated scientific principles using everyday objects.
Leonard Hofstadter: It was pretty cool.
Penny: Aw, it's so cute when you use the word 'cool' wrong. Like when kids say 'pasketti'.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: The interface is pretty simple. You put your horizontal X coordinate here, vertical Y coordinate here, and you're happy with those you press this button.
Penny: Got it.
[the toy missile launcher swivels]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, you'll never guess who I just found on li-
[he is hit in the head by a toy missile]
Sheldon Cooper: H-Hey!
Leonard Hofstadter: Nice shot.
Penny: Uh, his giant head did most of the work.
Sheldon Cooper: Very mature! You're lucky I'm out of silly string.

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, my God, Leonard! He's available for parties and events. We should hire him.
Leonard Hofstadter: To do what?
Sheldon Cooper: Whatever we want. Hang out, do experiments, make him shoot twelve pictures with us for a calendar.

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you remember his theme song?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper: Grab your goggles / Put your labcoat on / Here he comes / Professor Proton!

Leonard Hofstadter: Mr. Jeffreys, I'm sorry. We should've warned you about the broken elevator.
Professor Proton: I agree.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Speckerman Recurrence (#5.11)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: Is this the fella who peed in your Hawaiian punch?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, that was a different guy.
Sheldon Cooper: Was this the guy who wedgied you so hard your testicle reascended and you spent the whole Christmas break waiting for it to come back down?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, that was a different-different guy.
Sheldon Cooper: Was he the one who used your head to open a nut?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, oh, oh! Was he the one who made you eat your arm hair?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, that... Actually, that was this guy's sister.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, the holidays are just around the corner. Maybe he wants to see if he can lodge your other testicle up there.
Leonard Hofstadter: I told you, that was a different guy.
Penny: Mm, that's too bad. Could've spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.

Sheldon Cooper: [while they run] You did it, Leonard! You stood up to your bully!
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I feel pretty good about myself. You think we can outrun him?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need to outrun him. I just need to outrun you!

Penny: Did Sheldon change the wi-fi password again?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. It's "pennyalreadyeatsourfoodshecanpayforwifi". No spaces.

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you want to hear something weird?
Penny: Sure.
Sheldon Cooper: In the year 2000, Pope John Paul II was made an honorary Harlem Globetrotter.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: You asked Penny if she wanted to hear something weird.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, because I have something weird to tell her.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I thought it was a game.

Sheldon Cooper: OK, Penny, if it were a game, here are your choices: an email from an old acquaintance or the head of one of the largest religious institutions in the world slam-dunking to Sweet Georgia Brown. Pick.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just do it because he's not gonna let it go.
Penny: Basketball Pope.
Sheldon Cooper: And that's how it's done.

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, we're here to support you, man.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not. You're here to see if he can pull my underwear over my head.
Howard Wolowitz: You wore underwear? You fool!

Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to say I told you so, but we could have killed him.
Leonard Hofstadter: I might kill him right now.
Sheldon Cooper: The Dark Knight has your back. He's scared, but he has your back.

Sheldon Cooper: What my spineless friend lacks the courage to say is you're a terrible person who took advantage of his tiny size, his uncoordinated nature, and his congenital lack of masculinity.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon...
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I platonically love you, man, but face it, you're a mess.

Leonard Hofstadter: God Sheldon, do I have to hold up a sarcasm sign to my mouth every time I speak?
Sheldon Cooper: You have a sarcasm sign?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Desperation Emanation (#4.5)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, well let me see if I can explain your situation using physics. What would you be if you were attached to another object by an incline plane wrapped helically around an axis?
Sheldon Cooper: Screwed.
Leonard Hofstadter: There you go.

Sheldon Cooper: What makes you chuckle, Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, recently? Not much.
Sheldon Cooper: Is it because of the conflict that arises from your desperate need to pair bond with a woman, and the apparent collective decision of all womankind to deny you that opportunity?
Leonard Hofstadter: Um... shut up.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, guys.
Howard Wolowitz: Hey.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Alright, I'll bow to social pressure. Hey.

Leonard Hofstadter: You have a girlfriend? How could you have a girlfriend? You can't even speak to women.
Raj Koothrappali: Uh, two words: deaf chick. It doesn't matter if I can't talk because she can't hear me.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Raj Koothrappali: That's what she said.

Raj Koothrappali: You remind me of the funny old story about a man who walks into a women's correctional institution with a stack of paperwork that would allow the female convicts to go free.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're saying I couldn't get laid in a women's prison with a handful of pardons.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you going to let me tell the story or not?

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm off to meet Bernadette's friend. How do I look?
Sheldon Cooper: As if one of the plants from "Invasion of the Body Snatchers" duplicated you in every way, only with an absurd amount of hair gel.

Leonard Hofstadter: You changed the address on the building? What about mail?
Sheldon Cooper: No worries, I explained my predicament to our letter carrier. He was sympathetic. His exact words were "Got your back, Jack. Bitches be crazy."

Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, I appreciate the effort, but this is like, the worst date of my life.
Howard Wolowitz: Seriously? I was once robbed by a pre-op transsexual I met on JDate, and that didn't even crack my top 10.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, it just occurred to me: if there are an infinite number of parallel universes, in one of then there's probably a Sheldon who doesn't believe parallel universes exist.
Leonard Hofstadter: Probably; what's your point?
Sheldon Cooper: No point. It's just one of the things that makes one of the mes chuckle.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, Bernadette tells me she knows you from a self defense class?
Joy: Yeah, Israeli Krav Maga, lots of fun. Basically a hundred different ways to rip a guy's nuts off.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow, didn't think there'd be that many.
Joy: [lunging her hand at him] Number forty-two!
Leonard Hofstadter: Whoa!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [laughing] Isn't she a pip?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Vartabedian Conundrum (#2.10)" (2008)
[first lines]
Stephanie Barnett: I don't see anything at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Fuuh! You're the doctor, but I'm constantly hearing this annoying sound.
Leonard Hofstadter: Me, too.
Sheldon Cooper: Is it a high-frequency whistle?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's more of a relentless narcissistic drone.
Stephanie Barnett: Yep, there's no inflammation at all, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Then it must be a tumor.

Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe it's'a residual bacterial infection from getting toilet swirlies.
Sheldon Cooper: It is possible. I got a lot of those. Even at church.
Stephanie Barnett: If it's from a swirlie, I have something for that. Circle, circle, dot, dot, now you've got a cootie shot.

Leonard Hofstadter: Don't you think if a woman was living with me that I'd be the first one to know about it?
Penny: Oh, sweetie, you'd be the last one to know about it.

Howard Wolowitz: There's a whole buffet of women out there, and you're just standing in the corner, eating the same deviled egg over and over again.
Leonard Hofstadter: At least I have an egg. What do you have?
Howard Wolowitz: A veritable smorgasbord of potential sexual partners. See the blonde over there? I can hit on her and you can't.
Leonard Hofstadter: So go hit on her.
Howard Wolowitz: [after an awkward pause] She's not my type.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Too bad, 'cause she was checking you out before.
Howard Wolowitz: She was?
Rajesh Koothrappali: Of course not. Look at her.

Howard Wolowitz: [Leonard is having difficulty breaking up with Stephanie] Why don't you text her?
Leonard Hofstadter: Isn't that cowardly?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, yeah. It's beyond contemptible.
Rajesh Koothrappali: But then again, you are wearing a bird sweater.

Penny: [proving to Leonard that Stephanie has moved in with him] Hmm... Cute dresses. I bet this looks great on you.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together.
Penny: Okay. Hmm... Scented candles, fuzzy slippers. Ooh, floral bed sheets.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together!
Penny: Okay, moving on. Uh, who are these guys at Disney World?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh... the big dog is Goofy. And... the older couple with the mouse ears, I have no idea.
[Penny smiles at him]
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not living together!
Penny: You're gonna go down swinging, huh? All right. Well, we've got your body lotion, your "In Style" magazine, your jewelry box.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're not- where's my Bat-Signal?
Penny: You have a Bat-Signal?
Leonard Hofstadter: I did. It was right here. She must have...
[realization dawns on Leonard]
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my God. We're living together.
Penny: [sarcastically] Really? What was your first clue?

Leonard Hofstadter: What's going on?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I just performed a Sheldonectomy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Careful, if you don't get it all it'll only come back worse.

Penny: Out of coffee. Need coffee.
Stephanie Barnett: Uh, hello.
Penny: Hi! Stephanie, right?
Stephanie Barnett: Uh-huh. And, and, and you are?
Penny: I'm Penny, I live across the hall. I've heard a lot about you.
Stephanie Barnett: Really?
Penny: Mm-hmm.
Stephanie Barnett: I haven't heard a thing about you. Leonard? Why haven't I heard a thing about this woman who lives across the hall and comes into your apartment in the morning in her underwear?
Leonard Hofstadter: She's heard about you because we're, you know, involved and you haven't heard about her because... I never slept with her, I swear!

Penny: Come on, Leonard, you are entitled to try and make things go the way you want them to!
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Yes! You don't always have to go along with what the woman wishes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Huh.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Nothing. Just rethinking my whole life.

Leonard Hofstadter: What do I say to her?
Penny: I don't know. What do women say to you when they want to slow your relationship down?
Leonard Hofstadter: "I really like you, but I want to see how things go with Mark?"


"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Congruence (#3.11)" (2009)
[first lines]
Penny: Ah, I always tear up when the Grinch's heart grows three sizes.
Sheldon Cooper: Tears seem appropriate. Enlargement of the heart muscle, or hypertrophic cardiomyopathy, is a serious disease which could lead to congestive heart failure.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Deck the Halls] Fa-la-la, la-la-la, la-la-la.
Penny: You really didn't like it, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: No, on the contrary. I found the Grinch to be a relatable, engaging character. And I was really with him right up to the point that he succumbed to social convention and returned the presents and saved Christmas. What a buzzkill that was.
Leonard Hofstadter: When we watch Frosty the Snowman, he roots for the sun.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, but the sun is essential for all life on Earth. Frosty is merely a bit of frozen supernatural ephemera in a stolen hat. A crime, by the way, for which he is never brought to account.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la-la!

Sheldon Cooper: December 25, 1642, Julian calendar, Sir Isaac Newton is born. Jesus, on the other hand, was actually born in the summer. His birthday was moved to coincide with the traditional pagan holiday that celebrated the winter solstice with lit fires and slaughtered goats. Which frankly sounds like more fun than 12 hours of church with my mother followed by a fruitcake.
Leonard Hofstadter: Merry Newtonmas, everyone!
Sheldon Cooper: I sense that's not sincere, although I have no idea why.

Leonard Hofstadter: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: I made tea.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want tea.
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't make tea for *you*. This is *my* tea.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then why are you telling me?
Sheldon Cooper: It's a conversation starter.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a *lousy* conversation starter.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, is it? We're conversing. Checkmate.

Sheldon Cooper: Just remember, Leonard. Where your biological family has failed you, you always have me, your surrogate family.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're my surrogate family?
Sheldon Cooper: If it's any consolation, I'm not happy about it either. Good night.

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you guys drunk?
Beverly Hofstadter: I hope so. Otherwise, why would we have stopped at Del Taco?

Beverly Hofstadter: Sheldon, I do hope you forgive me for my inappropriate behavior last night.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't blame you. You were intoxicated.
Beverly Hofstadter: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: I blame Penny.
Penny: I blame Penny too. Bad Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute. What are you talking about? What inappropriate behavior?
Beverly Hofstadter: I think it's best that you don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Agreed.
Penny: Agreed.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell. Agreed.

Beverly Hofstadter: Speaking of fathers, Leonard, that reminds me. I'm divorcing yours.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. He was cheating on me.
Leonard Hofstadter: No!
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, with some waitress from the university cafeteria. Can you believe it? A waitress.
[to Penny]
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, no offense, dear.
Penny: [sarcastically] No, it sounded like a compliment.
Leonard Hofstadter: When did this happen?
Beverly Hofstadter: Well, let's see... Sheldon, when did I leave Leonard's father?
Sheldon Cooper: September 22nd.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, that's right. The weekend after Leonard's dog died.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mitzy's dead?
Sheldon Cooper: She was old and blind, Leonard. What choice did we have?

Leonard Hofstadter: Mom, you remember Penny.
Beverly Hofstadter: Oh yes, the waitress slash actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his 'little slugger' growing breasts?
Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm going to say no.

[last lines]
Beverly Hofstadter: I want you to take very good care of this young woman.
Penny: Ohhh, thank you, Beverly.
Beverly Hofstadter: You're welcome. She doesn't have much in the way of career prospects; don't make her responsible for her own orgasms as well.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mother, remember when I was complaining that you don't communicate with me enough?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes, dear.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm over it.
Penny: Fa-la-la-la-la, la-la, la, la.

Leonard Hofstadter: Mom, you remember Penny?
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, yes, the waitress-slash-actress with the unresolved father issues. Has he finally come to terms with his little slugger finally growing breasts?
Penny: Well, he sent me a football and a catcher's mitt for Christmas, so I'm gonna say no.
Howard Wolowitz: If it helps, we're all good with your breasts.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Classic overcompensation.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Large Hadron Collision (#3.15)" (2010)
Penny: You actually put that in an agreement!
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah. We also put in what happens if one of us wins a MacArthur Grant, or if one of us gets superpowers, of if one of us is bitten by a zombie.
Sheldon Cooper: He can't kill me even if I turn.
Penny: Is there anything in there about if one of you gets a girlfriend?
Sheldon Cooper: No, that seemed a little far-fetched.

Sheldon Cooper: I've been dreaming about going to the Large Hadron Collider since I was nine years old.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah? Well, I've been dreaming about spending Valentine's Day with a girl since I was six.
Sheldon Cooper: Shame on you! That's no dream for a scientist!

Leonard Hofstadter: I know what'll cheer you up; let's play one of your driving games.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. This game is called 'Traitors'. I will name three historical figures; you put them in order of the heinousness of their betrayal. Benedict Arnold, Judas, Doctor Leonard Hofstadter.
Leonard Hofstadter: You really think I belong with Benedict Arnold and Judas?
Sheldon Cooper: You're right; Judas had the decency to hang himself after what he did.

Sheldon Cooper: Round two: Leonard Hofstadter, Darth Vader, Rupert Murdoch.
Leonard Hofstadter: Rupert Murdoch?
Sheldon Cooper: He owns Fox and they cancelled Firefly. Hint: he and Darth Vader are tied for number two.

Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, what would you guys do if you were me?
Howard Wolowitz: I'd take Sheldon to Switzerland.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriouly?
Howard Wolowitz: Absolutely. And I'd leave him there.

[Sheldon places a tray of cutlery in front of Leonard and leaves]
Raj Koothrappali: What the hell is that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, let's see... Yeah, thirty pieces of silverware.

[last lines]
Raj Koothrappali: Oh my goodness, look at this room.
[gasps]
Raj Koothrappali: Champagne! Roses! Oh, and little chocolates! This is going to be the best Valentine's day ever.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I forgot about all this.
Raj Koothrappali: But I never will.

Penny: Okay, what's the big surprise?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just a minute. This tray contains clues as to what you and I are going to be doing on Valentine's Day.
Penny: Oh. Wow. Okay. Let's see. We've got, uh, milk chocolate, Swiss cheese, fondue... My lactose-intolerant boyfriend is going to eat all this, then I'm going to climb on his back and rocket to the moon?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. But it does involve air travel. Okay, um, let me slice this *Swiss* cheese with my *Swiss* army knife, and then *you* can wash it down with a cup of *Swiss* Miss instant cocoa.
Penny: Okay, I'm starting to think Swiss is key here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh.
Penny: We're going to Disneyland and ride the Matterhorn.
Leonard Hofstadter: How does that involve air travel?
Penny: We're going to Disney *World* and ride the Matterhorn!
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Penny: Okay. Sweetie, this started out fun, but I'm over it.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're going to Switzerland to see the CERN supercollider!
[Penny looks at him blankly]
Leonard Hofstadter: And ski. We'll also go skiing.
Penny: We're going skiing in Switzerland?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you'll ski, I'll fall, but, yeah, we will be in Switzerland for Valentine's Day.
Penny: Oh, my God! Leonard, that's incredible!

Leonard Hofstadter: [awoken by sounds of Penny vomiting] What's going on?
Penny: [sarcastic] I'm having a tea party. What do you think's going on?
[sounds of Penny hocking up phlegm]
Penny: I think I might have the flu.
[sounds of more vomiting]
Penny: Or the plague.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, our plane leaves at 9:00 a.m. Do you think you'll feel better by then?
Penny: [sounds of more vomiting] Yeah, 'cause I'm gonna be dead!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cruciferous Vegetable Amplification (#4.2)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: At my age, do you know how I'm statistically most likely to die?
Leonard Hofstadter: At the hands of your roommate?
Sheldon Cooper: An accident.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's how I'm gonna make it look.

[Sheldon joins the others for dinner as his new "Shel-bot."]
Sheldon Cooper: Greetings, friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: Greetings, whatever-the-hell you are.

Howard Wolowitz: What do we owe you?
Leonard Hofstadter: It came to $28.17 Let's say six bucks apiece.
Howard Wolowitz: [as Howard and Raj hand money over to Leonard] There you go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
[Leonard looks at Penny who has a stunned look on her face]
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Never mind, I got it.
Penny: Oh, you wanted me to pay.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's no big deal.
Penny: No, no, no, you're right, we're not going out anymore. I should pay for myself.
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear, and they start laughing]
Penny: What?
Howard Wolowitz: No, he, uh, He said if he had woman parts, he'd eat for free the rest of his life.
Penny: Yeah, but you wouldn't be able to talk to yourself.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Whatcha doing there? Working on a new plan to catch the Road Runner?
Sheldon Cooper: The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: And this is a schematic for a bird-trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
[Sheldon gives a gasping derisive laugh]
Sheldon Cooper: What I'm doing here is trying to determine when I'm going to die.
Leonard Hofstadter: A lot of people are working on that research.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to miss so much. A unified field theory, cold fusion, the dogapus.
Leonard Hofstadter: What's a dogapus?
Sheldon Cooper: A hybrid dog and octopus. Man's underwater best friend.
Leonard Hofstadter: There's somebody working on that?
Sheldon Cooper: I was going to! I planned on giving it to myself on my three-hundredth birthday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait a minute, you *hate* dogs.
Sheldon Cooper: A dogapus can play fetch with eight balls. No one can hate that.

Sheldon Cooper: [Thinks he has appendicitis] So this is how it ends... with cruel irony. Just as I make the commitment to preserving my body, I am betrayed by my appendix, a vestigial organ. Do you know the original purpose of the appendix, Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I do, and yet I'm doomed while you live on.
Leonard Hofstadter: Funny how things work out, isn't it?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh Lord, I think it's about to burst!
[Loud fart]
Sheldon Cooper: On the other hand, it might have been the Brussels sprouts.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good night.
[Sheldon goes back to his room]
Sheldon Cooper: Good night. Appendicitis. What a nervous Nelly.

Leonard Hofstadter: How can you walk around with no money?
Penny: I'm cute, I get by.

Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon's virtual presence device has no arms] Leonard, my door.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Be a lamb and open it for me.
Leonard Hofstadter: [feigning ignorance] Why? What's the problem?
Sheldon Cooper: You think you have me stymied, don't you?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I think a doorknob has you stymied.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, this is ridiculous.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm behind you. Please look at me when you're talking to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I am looking at you.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you're not. Pay *no* attention to that man in the bed.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Anything Can Happen Recurrence (#7.21)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Amy's sick.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aw, what's wrong with her?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, she talks a lot. She always wants to hold hands.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not what I meant.
Sheldon Cooper: If you were refering to her illness, you should have asked "What ails her?"
Leonard Hofstadter: What ails her?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, who knows.

[first lines]
Penny: So, we're about to shoot this scene in a movie where the killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay.
Penny: But I realize they're gluing fur everywhere except my cleavage. So, I ask the director why and he says it's important for the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.
Penny: Oh, and there's not even a bathroom on set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed like half an ape and still not even close to the most disgusting person in there.

Penny: Sheldon, what did we say about being a nicer friend?
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Penny: Leonard, what did we say about being a gullible weenie?

Sheldon Cooper: What can we do that's fun?
Leonard Hofstadter: What can we do that's different?
Penny: What can we do that's free?

Sheldon Cooper: So, we're just randomly choosing a restaurant without researching it online?
Penny: Yup.
Sheldon Cooper: Great. See, this is how Anything-Can-Happen Thursday turns into It-Won't-Stop-Coming-Up Friday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, how about that Asian fusion place?
Sheldon Cooper: Fusion *and* Asians? I'm trying not to think about science.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I feel so bad about lying to Sheldon; how am I going to make it up to him?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'd tell you what I do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a catholic schoolgirl is going to work with Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: He'd probably give you homework.

Penny: So we're about to shoot this scene in the movie where this killer ape DNA is slowly taking over my body.
Leonard Hofstadter: O.K.
Penny: But I realized their gluing everywhere except my cleavage. So I ask the director why and he says it's important to the story that my boobs be the last things to turn ape.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's sweet that he thinks there's a story.
Penny: Oh there's not even a bathroom on the set. I have to go to the gas station across the street. I mean, I was dressed as half an ape and I wasn't even close to the most disgusting person in there.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm sorry. I just needed a break from hearing you obsess about what to do after string theory.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I kinda wanted one night where we didn't have to hear about how miserable you were making this movie.
Amy Farrah Fowler: None of that means we don't love you.
Penny, Leonard Hofstadter: I don't complain that much about the movie, have I?
Leonard Hofstadter: I also love you.

Amy Farrah Fowler: I do feel bad about lying to Sheldon. How am I going to make it up to him?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I'll tell you what I'd do with Howard, but I don't think dressing up like a Catholic school girl is going to work with Sheldon.
[Amy stares off into the distance]
Leonard Hofstadter: He'd probably give you homework.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Romance Resonance (#7.6)" (2013)
Penny: How come you've never done anything romantic to celebrate our first date?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, for starters, you've broken up with me so many times, which first date are we talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, somebody call the burn ward.

Leonard Hofstadter: I do romantic things for you all the time; can you even name one romantic thing you've done for me?
Penny: I can name tons!
Leonard Hofstadter: Sex doesn't count.
Penny: Oh.
[thinks]
Penny: I know; what about that bed and breakfast?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I took you there. All you did wa...
Penny: I know what I did.
[pause]
Penny: I bet they had to throw out that rocking chair.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, this is going to haunt me for the rest of my life. Every science classroom, every periodic table, every textbook, this mistake will be staring back at me, like that time you let Koothrappali wax your eyebrows. I've got to find a way to stop this thing.
Leonard Hofstadter: Buddy, I don't think you can. I mean, once it's out there, it's out there. This thing is like the science equivalent of a sex tape.
Sheldon Cooper: You know, frankly I'd prefer a sex tape.
Leonard Hofstadter: You don't know what a sex tape is, do you?
Sheldon Cooper: No.

Sheldon Cooper: Stop it! I don't need to take this admiration from the likes of you people. How do I make them stop loving me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Invite them to live with us.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I get that you feel bad about all the attention, but still what you did is amazing. We're really proud of you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'm not.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, I've been thinking about it, and you're right. You don't deserve any credit. All you did was misread some numbers on a table. A very easy table, too. Honestly, I'm embarrassed for you.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard.
Penny: Dammit, everyone's better at this than me.
Sheldon Cooper: Congratulations, Dr. Fowler, you just made the fort.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Yes!
[Smiles]

Penny: You know, I can be romantic if I want to.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's fine. And also not true.
Penny: OK, just you wait and see; I'm going to romance your fricking ass off.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's beautiful- is that Shakespeare?

[first lines]
Penny: What're you working on?
Sheldon Cooper: Can't talk. In the zone.
Penny: [to Amy] Do you know what he's doing?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Could be anything. Last time he was like this he figured out electron transport in graphene. Time before that he was making a list of who's allowed in his tree fort if he ever gets one. Still can't believe I didn't make the cut.
Penny: Uh, Sheldon, you wanna take a break? Your food's ready.
Leonard Hofstadter: Eh, what are you doing? He's both happy and quiet. Like seeing a unicorn and Bigfoot at the same time.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm being given credit that I don't deserve.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, people get things they don't deserve all the time. Look at me with you.

Leonard Hofstadter: I have to say this is the best Top Ramen you've ever made.
Penny: I discovered a secret ingredient. The flavor packet. That sucker is well named. All right, lover boy. Get ready, fcause there is a crap storm of romance coming your way.
Leonard Hofstadter: Stop it, you're going to make me cry.
[Penny turns on romantic music]
Leonard Hofstadter: All right. You seem pretty confident.
Penny: Oh, I am. Maybe if you follow this trail, you'll see why.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ohhh, rose petals.
Penny: Yes. The most beautiful, and shockingly expensive, of all the flowers.
Leonard Hofstadter: You made the bed; you really are pulling out all the stops.
Penny: OK, I gave this a lot of thought, and I finally found something to show you how much I love you.
Leonard Hofstadter: [he unwraps the gift] Oh, wow.
Penny: It's a first edition of "Hitchhikers Guide to the Galaxy". I remember it was your favorite book growing up.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is great. It... Thank you. Hnh... So much.
Penny: What?
Penny: Nothing. I love it.
Penny: No. Something's going on. What's wrong with it? I remember you saying how great it would be to have a first edition.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's true. I-I did, I did say that... when we were at the used book store together, and I saw the first edition and I bought it.
Penny: Oh my God. I am the worst.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's okay. It's really thoughtful.
Penny: No, it's not... I mean... What's thoughtful is everything you do. Here, you know what? Look at this. Look, here's the... the plane ticket you bought me when I was too poor to go home for the holidays. And the rose you left on my windshield... just because. Here's the... the thank-you letter you me after the first time I slept with you. All eleven pages of it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can't believe you saved all this stuff.
Penny: Of course I did. It's you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come here.
Penny: Mm
[they kiss]
Penny: Oh.
Leonard Hofstadter: Is that a pregnancy test?
Penny: Oh yeah, just the first one; I didn't save them all.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bath Item Gift Hypothesis (#2.11)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: Where were you that's more important than Wii Bowling night?
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually, I was...
Sheldon Cooper: It's a rhetorical question; there *is* nothing more important than Wii Bowling night.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on! It's just a video game. And we suck at it.
Sheldon Cooper: [gasps] Nice motivational speech from the team captain.

Penny: How do you know Leonard?
Dr. David Underhill: I'm a physicist.
Penny: [laughing] No, you're not.
Dr. David Underhill: Why is that so surprising?
Penny: Well, it's just that the physicists I know are indoorsy and pale.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not indoorsy. I just wear the appropriate sunblock because I don't take melanoma lightly.

[last lines]
Penny: [after Sheldon gives her several gift baskets] Sheldon, what did you do?
Sheldon Cooper: I know! It's not enough, is it? Here...
[gingerly hugs Penny]
Penny: Leonard, look! Sheldon's hugging me!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a Saturnalia miracle!

Leonard Hofstadter: Look, the guy was just in the right place at the right time with the right paradigm-shifting re-interpretation of the universe; he got lucky.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, um, Dave, don't you think you and I should get back to the lab? You know, that dark matter isn't going to detect itself.
Dr. David Underhill: Actually, I was thinking about taking the afternoon off so I could work on another experiment with Penny.
Penny: Really? We're, we're going to do an experiment.
Dr. David Underhill: Uh-huh, we're going to explore the effects of tequila shots on a gorgeous 22-year-old woman.
Penny: [laughs] That's not an experiment; you saw what happened last night.

Leonard Hofstadter: I have just one question for you. While I am perfectly happy with the way things are between us, you said that you didn't want to go out with me because I was too smart for you. Well, newsflash, Lady. David Underhill is ten times smarter than me. You'd have to drive a railroad spike in his brain for me to beat him at checkers. Next to him, I am like one of those sign-language gorillas who knows how to ask for grapes. So my question is, what's up with that?
Penny: [crying] Why are you yelling at me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry! I'm sorry I'm sorry. Never mind. We're cool.
Penny: Dave is not smarter than you. He's an idiot.
Leonard Hofstadter: [chuckling] Really? Why would you say that?
Penny: Because. A smart guy takes the nude photos of his wife off his cell phone before he tries to take nude photos of his girlfriend.
Leonard Hofstadter: He tried to take nude photos of you?
Penny: [screaming] That's what you took from that? The guy is married!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah. I'm sorr... oh, that's terrible!
Penny: And you. If you are so okay with the way things are between us, why are you so jealous?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, tha... The important thing is he's married, and that's terrible!
Penny: Nice save, genius.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Your argument is lacking in all scientific merit. Now, it is well established Superman cleans his by flying into Earth's yellow sun, which incinerates any contaminant matter and leaves the invulnerable kryptonian fabric unharmed and daisy-fresh.
Howard Wolowitz: What if he gets something kryptonian on it?
Sheldon Cooper: Like what?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know. Kryptonian mustard.
Sheldon Cooper: I think we can safely assume all Kryptonian condiments were destroyed when the planet Krypton exploded.
Raj Koothrappali: Or it turned into mustard kryptonite, the only way to destroy a rogue kryponian hot dog threatening Earth.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, please. Let's stay serious here.

Leonard Hofstadter: I have two words for you: the first is 'Big', the other's 'Whoop'.

[after dismissing Dave's accomplishments, Leonard gushes when Dave wants to work with him]
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you looking at? You've never seen a hypocrite before?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Einstein Approximation (#3.14)" (2010)
Penny: [Sheldon is using his hands like a spyglass] What is he doing now?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm, he's either isolating the terms of his formula and examining them individually, or... looking for the alligator that swallowed his hand after Peter Pan cut it off.
Sheldon Cooper: Captain Hook's hand was eaten by a crocodile, not an alligator. If you're going to mock me, at least get your facts straight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aye, aye, captain.

Howard Wolowitz: How long has he been stuck?
Leonard Hofstadter: Intellectually, about thirty hours. Emotionally, about twenty-nine years.
Sheldon Cooper: [muttering] The alkyl cell contains two carbon atoms. The interior angle of a hexagon's one hundred and pwenty degrees.
Howard Wolowitz: Have you tried rebooting him?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I think it's a firmware problem.

Penny: Sheldon, what do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: I came to tell you, I've got the answer.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? You figured out the graphene problem?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm still hopelessly stuck on that, but I've figured out how to figure it out.
Penny: Hey, you know, Leonard, I know I said I could handle your roommate, but I was wrong; we're going to have to break up.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about?
Sheldon Cooper: Einstein.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm gonna need a little more than that.
Sheldon Cooper: Albert Einstein.
Leonard Hofstadter: Keep going...

Sheldon Cooper: [Serves Howard] For you, the double bacon cheeseburger, breaking two Jewish dietary laws at once - kudos...
[Serves Raj]
Sheldon Cooper: ... the fish sticks with french fries - here's the tartar sauce, and this is a mango salsa; I think you'll like it, it gives it a little zing...
[Serves Leonard]
Sheldon Cooper: And the Factory enchilada grande, no cheese to avoid any lactose intolerance issues. Enjoy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just a second. Black beans, not pinto beans?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Double guacamole?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Leonard Hofstadter: Lettuce shredded, not chopped?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: You understand why I'm doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: I do.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, that will be all.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Leonard gets a call in the middle of the night about Sheldon's antics] Sheldon's escaped and is terrorizing the village.

Leonard Hofstadter: [about Sheldon] Penny, I told you if you don't put him in his crate at night he just runs around the apartment.

Sheldon Cooper: When Albert Einstein came up with Special Relativity, he was working at the Patent Office.
Leonard Hofstadter: So you're going to go work at the Patent Office?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be absurd; that's in Washington. You know I could never live in a city the streets are laid out in a wheel and spoke pattern.

Sheldon Cooper: By the way, I was watching you sleep for a moment, and I noticed that your snoring seems to be worse when you're on your back.
Penny: No, Leonard doesn't snore.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I wasn't talking to Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Told you.

Penny: Hey, guys. Sorry you had to wait, but we're swamped.
[notices the food on the table]
Penny: What's this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, Sheldon took our order.
Penny: Sheldon doesn't work here!
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, honey, not to complain, but we were starting to think you didn't either.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Lizard-Spock Expansion (#2.8)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: What's the emergency?
Howard Wolowitz: I got the Mars Rover stuck in a ditch.
Sheldon Cooper: Where?
Howard Wolowitz: On a dusty highway just outside Bakersfield... Where do you think? On Mars!

Stephanie: So are you a scientist like Howard?
Leonard Hofstadter: No one's a scientist like Howard.

Stephanie: So, how was your day?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, I'm a physicist, so I thought about stuff.
Stephanie: That's it?
Leonard Hofstadter: I wrote some of it down.

Leonard Hofstadter: These things just happen. Usually not to me, but they do happen.

Sheldon Cooper: If someone, and of course we don't know who this would be, does ask where you've gone, what should I say?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know... Just tell them I went to the office.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you going to the office?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Then how can I say it convincingly?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just say, "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon Cooper: All right.
[Robotically]
Sheldon Cooper: "Leonard went to... the office."
Leonard Hofstadter: What is-? No, not like that; just "Leonard went to the office."
Sheldon Cooper: This would have worked out a lot better if you had just told me you were going to the office.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to the office.
Sheldon Cooper: See, why don't I believe you?

Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: if your friend thinks he's dating someone, but he's not, because in fact you're dating her, does that make you a bad person?
Penny: Well that depends.
Leonard Hofstadter: On what?
Penny: Is that friend Wolowitz?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah...
Penny: Screw him - you're fine.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you sure?
Penny: Well... Have you slept with her yet?
[Leonard nods]
Penny: You dog! Good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Does that change things?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, why did you ask?
Penny: I'm nosy!

Sheldon Cooper: Howard is employing a schoolyard paradigm in which you are, for all intents and purposes, deceased. He intends to act on this by not speaking to you, feigning an inability to hear you when you speak, and otherwise refusing to acknowledge your existence.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's just ridiculous! Why are you cooperating with him?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't make the rules, Leonard.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh look, Saturn 3 is on.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to watch Saturn 3; Deep Space 9 is better.
Sheldon Cooper: How is Deep Space 9 better than Saturn 3?
Raj Koothrappali: Simple subtraction will tell you it's six better.
Leonard Hofstadter: Compromise; watch Babylon 5.
[chuckles]
Sheldon Cooper: In what sense is that a compromise?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, five is part way between three an... Never mind.

Stephanie: I'm sorry. I totally interrupted you. What, what, what were you saying?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just said Howard's a terrific guy. He's got a great sense of humour, he loves his mother, a lot, some people say too much.
Stephanie: I really like that you're such a loyal friend.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I am loyal. You know, if you look at the big picture. Just, out of curiosity, did he ever have a shot with you?
Stephanie: Are you insane? The guy was wearing an eye patch.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then why did you?
Stephanie: He said that I could drive a car on Mars.
Leonard Hofstadter: Got it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper/Kripke Inversion (#6.14)" (2013)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, your food's getting cold.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll eat later. Right now I'm suckling at the informative bosom of Mother Physics.
Penny: Hot when Sheldon talks dirty.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no!
[Star Wars' Darth Vader theme is playing]
Penny: What is that?
Leonard Hofstadter: That is Sheldon's "I'm unhappy and about to destroy the planet" music. Hey, let's just go to your place.
Penny: Well, wait, if he's unhappy shouldn't we talk to him?
Leonard Hofstadter: Shouldn't we talk to him? Have you learned nothing in six years?

Penny: Sheldon, could I ask you a question?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course.
Leonard Hofstadter: You ever gonna sleep with Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: That's awfully personal.
Leonard Hofstadter: We don't ask Sheldon things like that.
Penny: Maybe you don't, I do. What's the deal?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, word around the university is I'm giving her sex organs a proper jostling.
Penny: All right, come on. Be serious. Look, you guys have been going out a long time. She would clearly like to have a physical relationship with you, so what are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, we're down the rabbit hole. What are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, first of all, I'm quite fond of Amy.
Penny: So, what's the problem?
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, all my life, I have been uncomfortable with the sort of physical contact that comes easily to others-handshaking, hugging, prostate exams. But I'm working on it, you know? Just recently, I had to put VapoRub on Amy's chest. A year ago, that would've been unthinkable.
Leonard Hofstadter: Now you know how I feel when I have to put it on you.
Penny: Okay, hang on. Are you saying someday you and Amy might... actually get physical?
Sheldon Cooper: [a long pause] It's a possibility.
Penny: [silently, grabbing Leonard's shoulder] Oh, my God!
[Out loud]
Penny: Sheldon, I know this wasn't easy for you, and I'm really glad we could have this conversation.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey.
[Penny starts to punch and slap Leonard in excitement]

Penny: I hate it when you make me sit through all the credits.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, sometimes there's a secret ending, like in The Avengers.
Penny: Leonard, I don't think that's going to happen in a documentary about the Holocaust.
Leonard Hofstadter: They could show bloopers.

Penny: Want me to make you some tea?
Sheldon Cooper: Tea is for when I'm upset; I'm not upset. The university is forcing me to work with Kripke. I'm outraged.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, cocoa?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, cocoa!

Raj Koothrappali: [Opening the package with his and Howard's action figures] Say hello to an exact scale model of me.
[Raj's figure looks like a black man]
Raj Koothrappali: Ohhh, I'm not dark chocolate! I'm melt-in-your-mouth caramel!
Howard Wolowitz: [Howard's action figure has a huge nose] Oh, man! Look at my nose!
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe it's a shipping problem.
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. Maybe Wesley Snipes and Toucan Sam just got action figures that look like you guys.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon Lee Cooper, I do not have time for this nonsense! Now go put your clothes on, get in the car and let's go to work!
Sheldon Cooper: All right, geez! What a grouch.
Leonard Hofstadter: How did I do that? I gotta remember how I did that.

Sheldon Cooper: [to Penny] Do you have any idea what it's like to be paired with someone who is so incredibly annoying?
Leonard Hofstadter: [raises hand] Oh, teacher, me! Me!

Leonard Hofstadter: [Howard and Raj are disappointed about how their action figures turned out] Hmm, and my girlfriend wouldn't let me get one. Look at my face. Do I look smug? I feel smug.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Isolation Permutation (#5.8)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: I can't seem to get in touch with Amy! I tried e-mail, video chat, tweeting her, posting on her Facebook wall, texting her... Nothing!
Leonard Hofstadter: D'you try calling her on the telephone?
Sheldon Cooper: The telephone...!
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper: Y'know... Leonard, in your own simple way, you may be the wisest of us all.

Sheldon Cooper: [outraged] The two of you need to get your women in line!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Last night, I was strong armed into an evening of harp music and spooning with an emotional Amy Farrah Fowler, this on a night that I had originally designated for solving the space time geometry in higher spin gravity and building my Lego Death Star. And why? Your gal pals Penny and Bernadette went out shopping for some wedding nonsense without Amy, an action they took with no thought or regard as to how it would affect me, the future of string theory, or my Lego fun time!
Howard Wolowitz: What do you want us to do about it?
Sheldon Cooper: You clearly weren't listening to my topic sentence: Get your women in line! You make them apologize to Amy and set things right! I am a man of science, not someone's snuggle bunny!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why do I have to talk to Penny? She's not my girlfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: You invited her to lunch four years ago. Everything about her is on you, you make it so!

Amy Farrah Fowler: Hey, Cuddles!
Leonard Hofstadter: Cuddles?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, Cuddles. We cuddled. Grow up, Leonard.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon! What would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, take me across the street to that motel and have your way with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm begging both of you, please, let's go!

Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?
Howard Wolowitz: "What would you like to talk about, Sheldon?" Why do you hate us?

Sheldon Cooper: It would seem Amy is drunk in a liquor store parking lot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, be glad you can't keep a woman; they are a handful.

Sheldon Cooper: [hearing Amy singing] She sounds weepy. I don't like weepy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, wait. Amy is your friend. Step up.
[knock knock knock]
Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
[knock knock knock]
Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
[knock knock knock]
Leonard Hofstadter: Amy. See you.
Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard turns to leave] Wait, where are you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm single; I don't need this crap.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Wait, Sheldon, what would it take for you to go into that liquor store, buy a bottle of hooch, and take me across the steet to that motel and have your way with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah Sheldon, what would it take?
Sheldon: I'm begging both of you, let's go.

Leonard Hofstadter: [listening to Sheldon ramble] Amy, how long would it take that mad cow disease to kill me?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Four or five years.
Leonard Hofstadter: [considering it] Nope, not gonna do it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Luminous Fish Effect (#1.4)" (2007)
Koothrappali: Oh, God, look at this buffet. I love America.
Leonard: Don't they have buffets in India?
Koothrappali: Of course, but it's all Indian food. Try and find a bagel in Mumbai to save your life. Schmear me.

Leonard: Howard brought a date?
Sheldon: A plausible explanation is that his work in robotics has made an incredible leap forward.

Sheldon: I can't believe he fired me.
Leonard: Well, you did call him a glorified high-school science teacher whose last successful experiment was lighting his own farts.
Sheldon: In my defense, I prefaced that by saying, "with all due respect."

Sheldon: Mom, what are you doing here?
Mary: Leonard called me.
Sheldon: I know, but why?
Leonard: Because one of the great minds of the 21st Century is raising glow-in-the-dark fish and weaving serapes.
Sheldon: This is not a serape. This is a poncho! A serape is open to the sides, a poncho is closed, this is a poncho! And neither is a reason to call someone's mother!

Sheldon: The last department party, Professor Finkleday cornered me and talked about spelunking for 45 minutes.
Leonard: Yes, I was there.
Sheldon: Do you know what's interesting about caves, Leonard?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: Nothing.

Leonard: Hey, how did it go?
Sheldon: I got my job back.
Leonard: Really? What happened?
Sheldon: I'm not quite sure. It involves a part of the human experience that has always eluded me.
Leonard: That narrows it down.

Leonard: So... fish.
Sheldon: I read an article about Japanese scientists who inserted DNA from luminous jellyfish into other animals and I thought, hey, fish night lights.

[first lines]
Sheldon: You know, I've been thinking about time travel again.
Leonard: Why? Did you hit a roadblock with invisibility?
Sheldon: Put it on the back burner. Anyway, it occurs to me, if I ever did perfect a time machine I would just go into the past and give it to myself, thus eliminating the need for me to invent it in the first place.
Leonard: Interesting.
Sheldon: Yeah, it really takes the pressure off.

Leonard: Here comes our new boss. Be polite.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: [approaching] Hi, fellas. Eric Gablehauser.
Howard Wolowitz: [shaking hands] Howard Wolowitz.
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: Howard. Nice to meet you.
[turning to Sheldon]
Dr. Eric Gablehauser: And you are?
Sheldon: [shaking hands] An actual real scientist.
[turning to Leonard]
Sheldon: How was that?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Plimpton Stimulation (#3.21)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: Now listen, one of the great minds of the 21st Century is about to play host to one of the other great minds of the 21st Century. So pay attention; years from now my biographer might ask you about this event.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I have so many things to tell your biographer.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why is a world-renowned scientist staying in our apartment instead of a hotel?
Sheldon Cooper: She doesn't care for hotels. And who can blame her? Windows that don't open, multi-user linens, keys shaped like credit cards, as if one walks around with unassigned slots in one's wallet.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why didn't you tell me you knew Elizabeth Plimpton. I am a huge fan of hers.
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't realize I was obligated to share my connection with things you are a fan of. But, very well. You enjoy Canadian bacon. I've been to Toronto.

Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Oh, good, Leonard's here.
Raj Koothrappali: [astounded] Good?
Leonard Hofstadter: Elizabeth, what's going on?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: What's going on is you and Howard are my moving men, and Raj is my new landlord, and I don't have enough money to pay any of you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Is she suggesting what I think she's suggesting?
Howard Wolowitz: Yep. Welcome to the Penthouse Forum!
Raj Koothrappali: OK, Show of hands, who's up for this?
[Only Howard raises his hand]
Leonard Hofstadter: We'll all be in naked in front of each other.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm out.

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you having trouble sleeping? Because... boy... I was up all night.
Raj Koothrappali: Did you get a cold, too?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, but I was awake all night.
Howard Wolowitz: If you want I can give you some of my mom's sleeping pills.
Raj Koothrappali: She won't notice them missing?
Howard Wolowitz: She doesn't know she takes them.

Penny: You know what? It's, it's none of my business. If you want to sleep with Sheldon's doctor buddy right after we stopped seeing each other, go for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now...
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. I'm uncomfortable with you recommending that Leonard pursue having intercourse with Dr. Plimpton, who I assure you has better things to do.
Penny: I'm not recommending it. I'm saying it already happened.
Sheldon Cooper: That's preposterous. Tell her, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well.
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. It wasn't my fault.
Sheldon Cooper: The implication being that you somehow tripped and fell into her lady parts?
Penny: You know what? I'm just gonna take the bus to work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, I can still drive you.
Penny: Oh, no, no, it's okay. You might slip on a banana peel and get me pregnant.

Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: Thank you so much for opening up your home to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, well, who wants to stay in a hotel, with windows that don't open, those crazy card-shaped keys?
Dr. Elizabeth Plimpton: I'm so glad you understand.
Sheldon Cooper: No, he doesn't understand; *I* understand.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I understand too.
Sheldon Cooper: Your just misappropriating my understanding.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Listen, I've been meaning to talk to you about the other morning.
Penny: You mean you and Doctor Slut-bunny?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I wanted to explain.
Penny: You don't owe me an explanation.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't?
Penny: No, you don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: So, you're not judging me?
Penny: Oh, I'm judging you nine ways to Sunday, but you don't owe me an explanation.
Leonard Hofstadter: Nevertheless, I'd like to get one on the record so you can understand why I did what I did.
Penny: I'm listening.
Leonard Hofstadter: [very long pause] She let me.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I have something for you. Per our roommate agreement this is your twenty-four hour notice that I will be having a non-related female spending two nights in our apartment.
Leonard Hofstadter: When you say "non-related female", you still mean human, right?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. Pets are banned under the roommate agreement, with the exception of service animals, such as seeing eye dogs and one day cybernetically enhanced helper monkeys.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Justice League Recombination (#4.11)" (2010)
Zack: You know, I saw this great thing on the Discovery Channel. Turns out that if you kill a starfish, it'll just come back to life.
Sheldon Cooper: Was the starfish wearing boxer shorts? Because you might have been watching Nickelodeon.
Zack: No, I'm almost sure that it was the Discovery Channel. It was a great show. They also said dolphins might be smarter than people.
Leonard Hofstadter: They might be smarter than some people.
Zack: Maybe we can do an experiment to find out.
Sheldon Cooper: That's easy enough. We need a large tank of water, a hoop to jump through, and a bucket of whatever bite-sized treats you find tasty.
[the guys laugh at him]
Zack: I don't get it.
Leonard Hofstadter: A dolphin might.
Zack: Oh, I see. You guys are inferring that I'm stupid.
Sheldon Cooper: That's not correct. We were implying it. You then inferred it.

Leonard Hofstadter: Fine, if Zack's going to be Superman, I want to be Green Lantern.
Raj Koothrappali: But I'm Green Lantern.
Leonard Hofstadter: You can be Aquaman.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want to be Aquaman. He sucks. He sucks underwater. He sucks fish pee.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me, I believe Aquaman uses his telepathic powers to request the fish do their business elsewhere.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, I know our winter thermostat setting is seventy-two degrees, but I'm a little warm so I'm going to turn it down.
Sheldon Cooper: [runs to the Grand Canyon as The Flash] Good Lord, how you frustrate me, Leonard Hofstadter!
[runs back to the apartment and becomes himself]
Sheldon Cooper: Fine.

Leonard Hofstadter: If it makes you feel any better, when I was dating Penny, she used to flip out on me all the time.
Zack: Whoa! You dated Penny?
Leonard Hofstadter: She didn't tell you?
Zack: She told me she dated a guy named Leonard; who would have thought it was you?

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: [playing a card] Water Demon.
Howard Wolowitz: [playing a card] Ice Dragon.
Leonard Hofstadter: [playing a card] Lesser Warlord of Ka'a.
Sheldon Cooper: Not so fast.
[playing a card]
Sheldon Cooper: Infinite Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Infinite Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Infinite Sheldon, it beats all other cards - and does not violate the rule against homemade cards because I made it at work.
Leonard Hofstadter: You understand why people don't want to play with you?
Sheldon Cooper: No. Although it's a question I've been pondering since preschool.

Leonard Hofstadter: [about apologizing to Zack] What would I even say?
Sheldon Cooper: "Zack, I'm sorry you're stupid. Have a Milk Dud."
Raj Koothrappali: A Milk Dud?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah. Milk Duds, with their self-deprecating name and remarkably mild flavor are the most apologetic of the boxed candies.

Stuart: You guys finally chip in for a bodyguard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, no. Oh, this is Zack; he's... a friend of ours. Zack, this is Stuart; he owns the store.
Zack: Wow! Lucky you.
Stuart: Yeah! I work seventy hours a week and average a dollar sixty-five an hour.
Zack: Sweet!
Stuart: Is that sarcasm?
Howard Wolowitz: Uh, no, it's an indictment of the American education system,

Howard Wolowitz: We can still make this work. Leonard, you talk to Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: What makes you think *I* can convince her.
Howard Wolowitz: You got her to have sex with you; obviously your super-power is brainwashing.

Howard Wolowitz: Check it out; those guys are breaking into that car'
Leonard Hofstadter: What should we do?
Sheldon Cooper: We're the Justice League of America. There's only one thing we *can* do: turn around and slowly walk away.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Griffin Equivalency (#2.4)" (2008)
Gablehauser: [all in Raj's office when Dr. Gablehauser walks in] Hello, boys.
Raj Koothrappali: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Koothrappali
Leonard Hofstadter: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Hofstadter
Sheldon Cooper: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Dr. Cooper
Howard Wolowitz: Dr. Gablehauser
Gablehauser: Mr. Wolowitz

Leonard Hofstadter: [handing out Chinese take-out food] Let's see: Raj was the Kung Pao chicken...
Penny: I'm the dumplings.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, you are.
Penny: Creepy, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: Creepy good or creepy bad?
Leonard Hofstadter: Who was the shrimp with lobster sauce?
Howard Wolowitz: That would be me. Come to papa, you un-kosher delight. And I'm not necessarily talking to the food.
Penny: [pointing to a chair] Sit over there.

Raj Koothrappali: Remember that little planetary object I spotted beyond the Kuiper Belt?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah: 2008NQsub17.
Raj Koothrappali: Or, as I call it, "Planet Bollywood".

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you proud of yourself?
Sheldon Cooper: In general, yes.

Sheldon Cooper: Baby wipe?
Penny: Why do you have those?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: No, no! Don't! Don't!
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you why. I had to sanitize my hands because the university replaced the paper towels in the rest rooms, with hot air blowers.
Penny: Oh I thought the blowers were more sanitary.
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Why? Please, don't!
Sheldon Cooper: Hot air blowers are incubators and spewers of bacteria and pestilence. Frankly, it'd be more hygienic if they just had a plague-infested gibbon sneeze my hands dry.

Leonard Hofstadter: [On Sheldon's smile] We're here to cheer up Koothrappali, not kill Batman.

Leonard Hofstadter: That may well be, but it wouldn't kill us to meet some new people.
Sheldon Cooper: For the record, it could kill us to meet new people. They could be murderers, or the carriers of unusual pathogens... And I'm not insane, my mother had me tested.

[Raj was named one of People magazine's "30 Under 30 to Watch"]
Leonard Hofstadter: We're going to go apologize to Raj and invite him out to dinner.
Sheldon Cooper: Apologize? For what?
Leonard Hofstadter: He came over last night with some pretty good news, and we weren't very supportive.
Sheldon Cooper: I sense you're trying to tell me something.
Howard Wolowitz: You were a colossal asshat.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh! No! I beg to differ. Of the three of us, I was by far the most supportive.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really. Do tell.
Sheldon Cooper: How will Raj ever reach true greatness if his friends lower the bar for him? When I was eleven, my sister bought our father a "World's Greatest Dad" coffee mug; and, frankly, the man coasted until the day he died.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, let's try it this way: what if this People magazine thing is the best Raj is ever going to achieve?
Sheldon Cooper: I had not considered that. I often forget other people have limitations. It's so sad.
Howard Wolowitz: He can feel sadness?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really; it's what you and I would call condescension.

Leonard Hofstadter: If we do get a new friend he should be a guy you can trust. A guy who has your back.
Howard Wolowitz: And he should have a lot of money and live in a cool place down by the beach where we could throw parties.
Sheldon Cooper: He should share our love of technology.
Howard Wolowitz: And he should know a lot of women.
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's see: money, women, technology. Okay, we're agreed. Our new friend is going to be... Iron Man.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Status Quo Combustion (#7.24)" (2014)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: How's your mom holding up?
Howard Wolowitz: She's doing okay. but we just lost another nurse.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How many is that now?
Howard Wolowitz: Two. And I know what you're thinking: she's eating them.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: She's just so impossible, they keep quitting.
Sheldon Cooper: So, who's watching her now?
Howard Wolowitz: A bowlful of M&M's with a few Ambien tossed in.

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Now that everyone's here, Penny and I have some big news.
Penny: We're engaged!
Raj Koothrappali: Oh my goodness! And I thought me having sex with Emily was going to be the big news.
[Bernadette, Amy and Howard hug Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, hey. What the hell?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You guys propose all the time. This never happens.
Penny: You're right!
[Penny and Leonard join the group hug]

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, buddy.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: You okay?
Sheldon Cooper: I just got called into President Siebert's office. The university won't let me switch my field of study to inflationary cosmology. They're forcing me to continue with string theory.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: He said it's why they hired me, i-it's what my grant was designated for and that everybody has to do thing they don't want to do. He then gave an example of something he had to do even though he didn't want to do which was look at my stupid face.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's a rude thing to say... out loud.

Beverly Hofstadter: Let me save you all of your hemming and hawing. Sheldon already told me that you and Penny are engaged.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate that you talk to him more than you talk to me.
Beverly Hofstadter: Would you like for you and me to talk more?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? It's probably fine.
Beverly Hofstadter: In any event, while I've had my misgivings about... Penny... Sheldon spoke very fondly of her, and if she is good enough for him, then she's good enough for me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm your son. What about the fact that she's good enough for me?
Beverly Hofstadter: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks, Mom.
Beverly Hofstadter: Leonard, would it make you feel better to hear that your Mother approved of your life choices?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, it would.
Beverly Hofstadter: Yeah, well, you should work on that.

Leonard Hofstadter: So listen. There was something I was hoping to float past you. Now that Penny and I are engaged I thought we might want to talk about our living arrangements.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. She has spent many nights here and you're worried about preserving the myth of her virginity before the wedding.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not.
Sheldon Cooper: Good. Because not only has that ship sailed, if it hit an iceberg countless men would perish.
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually this is about where she and I are going to live.
Sheldon Cooper: What do you mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, well. We might want to live together.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh yeah, well. I have already given this some thought, and I'm willing to let Penny live with us one day a week for a trial period. Now; obviously not when she's made cranky by the shedding of her uterine lining.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's very sweet. But we were thinking more of us maybe living together with... not you.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand. How can we all live together if I'm not there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, I know this is, this is a change, and that sounds scary...
Sheldon Cooper: Where are you going to go?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I don't know. We-we just started to think about this. Maybe I'll move in with Penny or maybe she and I'll take this place and you can move across the hall.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah wai- Move across the hall? Did you take a marijuana?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I did not.
Sheldon Cooper: Did you get hit on the head with a coconut?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Then I'm all out of guesses. What? Me. Move across the hall. Why would even suggest such a thing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because I love Penny and I want to give her the life she deserves.
Sheldon Cooper: I see. You're putting your future bride's happiness above mine.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, yeah!
Sheldon Cooper: Wow.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, should we talk about setting a date?
Penny: Well, I'd like to pick one that works with my brother's schedule.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. And when would that be?
Penny: Uh, 12 to 18 months from now depending on good behaviour.

Penny: We were worried about you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't be melodramatic. I'm just getting on a train and leaving forever.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? You don't even have change of clothes or a toothbrush.
Sheldon Cooper: My plan is to stop at malls and buy what I need. It's called living off the land.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I am overwhelmed. Everything is changing and it's simply too much. I need to get away and think.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. You know you're overreacting.
Penny: Leonard, hang on. Just come here. Maybe we need to let him go.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? Why?
Penny: It might be good for him.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know he can't take a trip like this by himself.
Penny: He's a grown man.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, he looks like a grown man. You've seen "Freaky Friday"; sometimes little kids end up in big person bodies.
Penny: Leonard, we can't protect him forever.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, but...
Penny: He'll be okay. You taught him well, Padawan.
Sheldon Cooper: Good Lord. Padawan's the student, not the teacher.
Penny: Seriously, let him go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, if you really need to do this I'm not gonna stand in your way.
Sheldon Cooper: I do.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Good luck.
Penny: Be safe and call us.
[Kisses him]
Sheldon Cooper: I will.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bye, buddy.
[he starts to leave]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm gonna miss you.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: He just made that easier.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Okay, Sheldon, thanks for checking in. Talk to you tomorrow? O-okay, bye.
Leonard Hofstadter: He's okay?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Actually sounds like he's doing pretty well.
Penny: I really think this is going to be for the best.
Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. And he was able to take a sabbatical...
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Hitting Leonard with a cushion] How could you let him go?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Terminator Decoupling (#2.17)" (2009)
[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, Raj, hand me the number six Torx screwdriver.
Sheldon Cooper: Stop! We can't do this; it's not right.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Sheldon, you have two choices; either you let him put a bigger hard drive in the TiVo, or you delete stuff before we go out of town.
Sheldon Cooper: But once you open the box, you've voided the warranty. The warranty is a sacred covenant we've entered into with the manufacturer; he offers to stand by his equipment, and we in return agree not to violate the integrity of the internal hardware. This little orange sticker is all that stands between us and anarchy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, then we won't touch the hard drive; we'll just erase the first season of 'Battlestar'.
Sheldon Cooper: [Tears off orange seal] There, we're outlaws.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hi, Penny, it's Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What's going on with Doctor Wackadoodle?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words "Penny", "Sheldon", "please", or "favor".

Sheldon Cooper: [after forgetting his flash drive] Oh, this is an unmitigated disaster!
Leonard Hofstadter: There's nothing you can do about it, so relax. Sit back, enjoy the clickety-clack of the steel wheels on the polished rails!
Sheldon Cooper: [in rhythm with the wheels] You-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive, you-forgot-your-flash-drive...
Leonard Hofstadter: [looking at his watch] Only 10 hours, 55 minutes to go.

Sheldon Cooper: I forgot my flash drive!
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So we have to go back!
Leonard Hofstadter: Ok, Sheldon, I'm gonna say "why?" and your answer cannot be "because I forgot my flash drive".

Leonard Hofstadter: This conference is kind of a big thing. The keynote address is being delivered by George Smoot.
Penny: Oh, my God! *The* George Smoot?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, you've heard of him?
Penny: Of course I haven't.
Sheldon Cooper: George Smoot is a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, one of the great minds of our time. His work in black body form and anisotropy of the cosmic microwave background radiation cemented our understanding of the origin of the universe.
Penny: It's kind of a funny name, though. "Smoot".
Sheldon Cooper: [to the others] It's like talking to chimp.

Penny: Have a good flight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yean, I wish.
Sheldon Cooper: We're not flying; we're taking the train.
Penny: Oh, cool.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, cool. Seven times as long as flying and costs almost twice as much.
Penny: Well then, why are you doing it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, we had a vote. Three of us voted for airplane; Sheldon voted for train; so, we're taking the train.

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it seems once again you're caught between a rock and a crazy place.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I hate when that happens!

Sheldon Cooper: Of course, if SkyNet actually did exist in the future, a perfect way to infiltrate and destroy mankind would be to send Terminators back posing as actors who have played Terminators in popular films and television series, lulling us into a false sense of security, i.e., that's Summer Glau from The Sarah Connor Chronicles. No, Summer, don't kill me! I'm pro-robot! Ahh!
Leonard Hofstadter: At least he's off the train crap.
Sheldon Cooper: Whee!
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I owe you an apology. Taking the train was a stroke of brilliance! I've actually got a shot at a Terminator.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Oh, please.When it comes to Terminators, you've got a better shot of scoring with Arnold Schwarzenegger.
Howard Wolowitz: You're overlooking something. I have 11 hours with her in a confined space. Unless she's willing to jump off a moving train, tuck and roll down the side of a hill, she will eventually succumb to the acquired taste that is Howard Wolowitz.
Leonard Hofstadter: My money's on tuck and roll.

Sheldon Cooper: It's Sheldon.
Penny: Oh, hey, Sheldon! How is San Francisco?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not in San Francisco. I'm on a train. Were you even listening to me?
Penny: Uh, no, I was talking to my friend, but what's up?
Sheldon Cooper: What's up? I'll tell you what's up. I'm in a crisis situation, and I need you to marshal your powers of concentration, limited as they may be...
Leonard Hofstadter: Give me the phone. Hi, Penny. It's Leonard.
Penny: Hey, Leonard. What's going on with Dr. Wackadoodle?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's calling to ask you a favor. You might be confused because he didn't use the words, Penny, Sheldon, please or favor.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Lunar Excitation (#3.23)" (2010)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, we've got power to the laser.
Sheldon Cooper: I should have brought an umbrella.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for? It's not going to rain.
Sheldon Cooper: I know that, but with skin as fair as mine, moonburn is a real possibility.
Howard Wolowitz: That's a bazinga, right?
Sheldon Cooper: One of my best, don't you think?

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. Leonard. What is that? What is that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Relax, it's just a dirty sock.
Sheldon Cooper: How on earth can you can say "dirty sock" and "relax" in the same sentence?

Zack: One question. How can you be sure it won't blow up?
Leonard Hofstadter: The laser?
Zack: The moon!
Sheldon Cooper: See, now this is a man for Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's a great question, Zack!
Sheldon Cooper: No, it's not!
Penny: Sheldon, play nice.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, it's not a great question! How could someone possibly think we're going to blow up the moon? That's a great question.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Zack] Don't worry about the moon. We... , we set our laser to stun.

Leonard Hofstadter: She didn't dump me. We were just in different places in the relationship.
Sheldon Cooper: I fail to see how a relationship can have the qualities of a geographic location.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, it's very simple. Leonard was living in a little town called Please Don't Leave Me, while Penny had just moved to the island of Buh-Bye.

Zack: That's your big experiment? All that for a line on a screen?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, but, uh, think about what this represents. The fact that we can do this is the only way of definitively proving that there are man-made objects on the moon, put there by a member of a species that only 60 years before had just invented the airplane.
Zack: What species is that?
Sheldon Cooper: I was wrong. Penny can do better.

Raj Koothrappali: Holy crap!
Howard Wolowitz: What?
Raj Koothrappali: We finally have proof that aliens walk among us!
Howard Wolowitz: Excuse me?
Raj Koothrappali: The dating site matched a woman with *Sheldon*.
Howard Wolowitz: You're kidding, an actual woman?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, look... breasts and everything.
Howard Wolowitz: Trust me, breasts doesn't necessarily mean woman.
Raj Koothrappali: Since when?
Howard Wolowitz: I'll show you a picture of my Uncle Louie in a bathing suit sometime.
[shudders]
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard, you gotta see this! We found a match for Sheldon!
Leonard Hofstadter: Great. Maybe she can have sex with him and then walk out on him the next morning without so much as a "How do you dooo?"
Raj Koothrappali: Do you know what he's talking about?
Howard Wolowitz: Nope. Why don't you ask him?
Raj Koothrappali: Leonard, what are you talking about?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't wanna talk about it.
Raj Koothrappali: That was a lousy suggestion.
Howard Wolowitz: Whatever.
[grabs the laptop from Raj]
Howard Wolowitz: Right now, Doctor Sheldon Cooper has to send an email to his perfect match.
[starts typing]
Howard Wolowitz: "Greetings fellow life form..."

Penny: Damn you, you rat bastard!
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you drunk?
Penny: Zack was a perfectly nice guy and then you *ruined* him!
Leonard Hofstadter: How did I ruin him?
Penny: 'Cause in the olden days I never would have known he was so stupid.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, he wasn't that stupid.
Penny: Yes he *was*! He thought you were going to blow up the *moon*!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, yeah, he's stupid
[laughs]
Penny: He spent the entire night bragging about how *he* invented the word appeteezers!
Leonard Hofstadter: [still laughing] Well, how is that my fault?
Penny: You have destroyed my ability to tolerate idiots, now come with me.
[grabs Leonard's hand and starts pulling him behind her]
Leonard Hofstadter: W-where are we going?
Penny: [shouts] We're gonna have *SEX*!
Leonard Hofstadter: Wha- I mean oh, OK.
Sheldon Cooper: [comes out of his bedroom] What's going on?
Penny: Put on your noise cancelling headphones, this is gonna get *loud*.
Sheldon Cooper: Ach, not *this* again.
[goes back into his room]

Penny: Oh, hey, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was a perfectly happy, geeky, li'l lonely guy and you've ruined me.
Penny: Are you drunk?
Leonard Hofstadter: C'mon, we're going to have sex and it's not going to mean a thing.
[he enters her apartment but she shoves him back out]
Penny: Are you out of your mind!
[she slams the door]
Leonard Hofstadter: Really starting to think there's a double standard here.

Leonard Hofstadter: [yelling after Penny] How am I supposed to let it go? You used me for *sex*!
[sees downstairs neighbor in her doorway]
Leonard Hofstadter: Morning, Mrs. Gunderson.
Mrs. Gunderson: Good morning, Leonard, or should I say 'Yee-haw'?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Creepy Candy Coating Corollary (#3.5)" (2009)
Penny: OK, I gotta go.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: Because last time I didn't go, I ended up playing Mystic Warlords of Ka.
Howard Wolowitz: Not Ka, *Ka'a*.
Penny: Buh-aye.

Leonard Hofstadter: Still can't believe she's going out with me.
Raj Koothrappali: Nobody can.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon has kind of a photographic memory.
Sheldon Cooper: Photographic is a misnomer; I have an eidetic memory, as I've told you many times, most recently last year during lunch on the afternoon of May 7th. You had turkey and complained it was dry.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know that deep down inside, Howard's a really nice guy.
Penny: The problem isn't what's on the inside. It's the creepy candy coating.

Penny: I just told her you're an aerospace engineer and you speak five languages.
Howard Wolowitz: Six, if you count Klingon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Girls don't count Klingon, Howard. Right?
Penny: Right.

Leonard Hofstadter: How about that? Albert Einstein was wrong.
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Approaching the speed of light doesn't slow down time.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Points at Howard and Bernadette] Approaching them does.

Penny: [after sex] Wow. You really are a genius.
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really. I Googled how to do that.

[Leonard is asking Penny to set Howard up with one of her friends]
Penny: You mean you thought a good time to bring this up would be right after sex?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well... I sure as hell wasn't gonna bring it up *before* sex.

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: All right, Raj has played his Phantom Warlord card. And I am going to back him up with my Strangling Vines.
[in Jar Jar Binks accent]
Howard Wolowitz: Choke on that, Sucka!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. Well then, I'll just *cut* your Vines with my Ruby Sword. That's right, I did it, I cut 'em.
Penny: Um... I have a question.
Leonard Hofstadter: Warlord beats Troll; Troll beats Elf; Elf beats Water Sprite, and basically everything beats Enchanted Bunny.
Howard Wolowitz: Unless you have the Carrot of Power.
Penny: Okay, I've got another question. When does this get fun?
Howard Wolowitz: Are we going to talk or are we going to play Mystic Warlords of Ka'a?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bad Fish Paradigm (#2.1)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: [Ex nihilo] Leonard, I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you mean, you're moving out? Why?
Sheldon Cooper: There doesn't have to be a reason.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, there kinda does.
Sheldon Cooper: Not necessarily. This is a classic example of Münchhausen's Trilemma: either the reason is predicated on a series of sub-reasons, leading to an infinite regression; or it tracks back to arbitrary axiomatic statements; or it's ultimately circular: i.e., I'm moving out because I'm moving out.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm still confused.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I don't see how I could have made it any simpler.

Howard Wolowitz: [Wolowitz and Koothrapali have been watching Leonard and Penny on a video camera] You should thank us. When future generations try to determine why your date with Penny crashed and burned, this right here is the black box.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you talking about? The date went fine!
Rajesh Koothrapali: Dude, she said she wants to slow things down.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, so she said she wants to slow things down. It's like saying, "I'm really enjoying this meal! I'm going to slow down and savor it."
Howard Wolowitz: No - it's like: "This fish tastes bad, so I'm gonna slow down and spit it out."
Rajesh Koothrapali: You being the fish.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not the fish!

Leonard Hofstadter: [about his date with Penny] Where could I have possibly gone wrong?
Howard Wolowitz: The littlest things can set women off - like, "Hey, the waitress is hot! I bet we could get her to come home with us." Or, "How much does your mom weigh? I want to know what I'm getting into."

[Koothrappali and Wolowitz have been using a video camera to spy on Leonard's date with Penny]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon! How could you just sit there and let them spy on me?
Sheldon Cooper: They were clever, Leonard: they exploited my complete lack of interest in what you were doing.

Howard Wolowitz: Are you having a second date?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. She said we would just wing it.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. Even I know that's lame.

Sheldon Cooper: [looking at tape of Penny kissing Leonard] Jaw clenched, no tongue access. Clearly a bad sign in human mating.
Leonard Hofstadter: It is not a bad sign!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. You might as well be two iguanas with no dewlap enlargement.

Sheldon Cooper: Hey, there he is! There my old buddy bud-bud!
Leonard Hofstadter: What's with him?
Howard Wolowitz: Koothrapali dumped him on me and he couldn't get to sleep so I gave him a glass of warm milk with a handful of my mom's Valium in it but he still wouldn't shut up so tag you're it!
[Wolowitz drops Sheldon's bag and leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm baaack!
Leonard Hofstadter: I still don't know why you left.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: I promised Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: You promised Penny what?
Sheldon Cooper: That I wouldn't tell you the secret. Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter: What secret? Tell me the secret.
Sheldon Cooper: Mom smokes in the car. Jesus is okay with it but we can't tell dad!
Leonard Hofstadter: Not *that* secret! The other secret!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm Batman! Ssh!
Leonard Hofstadter: Damn it! Sheldon, you said Penny told you a secret. What was the secret?
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, I'll tell you. But you can't tell Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: I promise.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny lied about graduating from community college because she's afraid she's not smart enough for Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's nothing I did? It's her problem?
Sheldon Cooper: I drank milk that tasted funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny thinks I'm too smart for her. That's ridiculous!
Sheldon Cooper: I know. Most of your work is extremely derivative. Don't worry that's not a secret. Everybody knows!

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, good night.
Penny: What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: There was a draft.
Penny: I didn't feel a draft.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why don't we just go into your...
Penny: Oh, yeah, you know what, maybe we should just slow things down a little.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, I didn't mean to go into your apartment to... go fast.
Penny: No, I know, I... I know what you meant, it's just... it's only our first date.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, okay, sure, no problem, why don't we just figure out where we're going, and when we want to get there, and then rate of speed equals distance over time. Solve for R.
Penny: Or we could just wing it.
Leonard Hofstadter: That might work too.
Penny: Goodnight, Leonard.

Penny: Hi.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, hi, listen, I know what's been bothering you about us, and I have the answer.
Penny: What are you talking about?
Leonard Hofstadter: First I want to say that it's not Sheldon's fault, he tried very hard to keep your secret, if Howard hadn't drugged him he would have taken it to his grave.
Penny: He told you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but it's okay. Now that we know what the problem is, there's a simple solution.
Penny: Pasadena city college?
Leonard Hofstadter: A place for fun, a place for knowledge. See, this man here's playing hacky sack, and this girl's going to be a paralegal.
Penny: Wow, I get it, because Dr Leonard Hofstadter can't date a girl without a fancy college degree.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it's really not that fancy, it's just a city college.
Penny: Right, but I have to have some sort of degree to date you?
Leonard Hofstadter: That doesn't matter to me at all.
Penny: So, it's fine with you if I'm not smart.
Leonard Hofstadter: Absolutely.
[She slams the door in his face]
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, this time I know where I went wrong.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Rothman Disintegration (#5.17)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: Why is there a hole here?
Sheldon Cooper: Why is there a hole in my new office? I've narrowed it down to two possibilities. There was something in the wall that someone outside the wall wanted, or, the more disturbing, there was something in the wall that wanted out.

Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, this is one-on-one. First person to five wins. Any questions? Yes, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Five what?

Howard Wolowitz: It's a shame Professor Rothman was forced to step down.
Leonard Hofstadter: What choice did the university have? He snapped. It happens to theoretical physicists all the time.
Howard Wolowitz: I wonder how long Sheldon's got?
Sheldon Cooper: These shrimp are all the same size. There is no logical order to eat them in.
[Throws shrimp away]
Leonard Hofstadter: It can't be very long.

Sheldon Cooper: This is a university, not a playground. Offices are not assigned because someone called dibs.
Leonard Hofstadter: You just called dibs.
Sheldon Cooper: Shut it.

Sheldon Cooper: [Knock on door] Ooh. That'll be Kripke.
Leonard Hofstadter: What's he doing here?
Sheldon Cooper: We're going to work this office situation out like gentlemen. And if that doesn't work, I'm going to poison his tea.

Leonard Hofstadter: There's not much you're both equally good at.
Raj Koothrappali: Is there anything you're both equally bad at?
Sheldon Cooper, Barry Kripke: Sports.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Watching Sheldon and Kripke play basketball badly] You know all those terrible things bullies used to do to us?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: I get it.

Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon was higher.
Leonard Hofstadter: Congratulations Sheldon. You win the office.
Sheldon Cooper: Who's unsatisfactory in P.E. now?

Leonard Hofstadter: [Sheldon has gotten his head stuck in a hole in his office wall] Why would you do that?
Sheldon Cooper: I wanted to see what was inside.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: It's called scientific curiosity!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Loobenfeld Decay (#1.10)" (2008)
[first lines]
Leonard: No, see, the liquid metal terminators were created in the future by Skynet, and Skynet was developed by Miles Dyson but that future no longer exists due to Dyson's death in Terminator 2.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. Then riddle me this: assuming all the good Terminators were originally evil Terminators created by Skynet but then reprogrammed by the future John Connor, why would Skynet, an artificial computer intelligence, bother to create a petite, hot, 17-year old killer robot?
Leonard: Skynet is kinky? I dunno.
Sheldon Cooper: Artificial intelligences do not have teen fetishes.

[as Penny sings]
Leonard: What the hell is that?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know, but if cats could sing... they'd hate it too.

Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard lied to Penny] So, lack of a physiological reaction while lying is characteristic of a violent sociopath.
Leonard: Sheldon, are you worried about your safety?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I imagine if you were going to kill me, you'd have done it a long time ago.

Leonard: I already told her a lie. Why replace it with a different lie?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, first of all, your lie was laughably transparent, where mine is exquisitely convoluted. While you were sleeping, I was weaving an un-unravelable web.

Leonard: [as Sheldon knocks outside his door] It'd be so much easier if I were a violent sociopath.

Sheldon Cooper: [discussing why Leonard lied to Penny to get out of hearing her sing] Then I suppose you could have agreed to go.
Leonard: And, what would I have said afterwards?
Sheldon Cooper: I would suggest something to the effect of: "Singing is neither an appropriate vocation, nor avocation for you, and if you disagree, I'd recommend you have a CAT scan to look a tumor pressing on the cognitive processing centers of your brain!"

[repeated line]
Leonard: I don't know what to say.

Leonard: Why don't you tell me about your showcase last night?
Penny: Oh, it was okay, I guess; wasn't a big turnout, but they both really seemed to like it.
Leonard: There were only two people there?
Penny: By the end... yeah.

[last lines]
Toby: [on couch with Penny] This is amazing. Just sitting on a couch watching TV with a woman. Not being drunk or, or high, or, or wondering if you're a dude down there.
Penny: Leo, you are a very sweet, really funny guy. You're going to do OK.
Toby: One day at a time, Penny.
[puts his head on her shoulder]
Toby: One day at a time.
Leonard: [in kitchen, to Sheldon] How long is he going to stay here?
Sheldon Cooper: He's a homeless drug addict, Leonard; where is he going to go? Boy, you have a lot to learn about lying.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper Extraction (#7.11)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: I'm on my way out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where?
Sheldon Cooper: Texas.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Right now? Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Someone sick?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. My sister's uterus came down with a baby.
Penny: Oh, she's pregnant? That's great; you're going to be an uncle. Uncle Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: No, I will be Uncle Dr. Cooper.
Amy Farrah Fowler: How come you never said she was pregnant?
Sheldon Cooper: I never told you about my brother's kidney stone. You want to hear about everything that comes out of my family's genitals?

Raj Koothrappali: So Star Wars and Star Trek characters can go on the same branch?
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, it's crazy. Welcome to the Thunderdome, people!
[they cheer]
Howard Wolowitz: I've never done this before. It's kind of fun.
Raj Koothrappali: If your Mom could see her little Bar mitzvah boy right now she'd have a heart attack.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Good idea; I'll take a picture.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know, maybe you and I wouldn't be together, but you wouldn't have done so great yourself.
Penny: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because I know exactly the kind of guy you would have ended up with.
Zack Johnson: Hey, babe.
Penny: Hey. Remember to pay the rent?
Zack Johnson: Better. I used the money to buy these magic beans.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Now, I was thinking. Without Sheldon, most of us would have never met, but Penny would have still live across from him.
Amy Farrah Fowler: And with Leonard out of the picture, we all know what that would mean.
Penny: We do?
Penny: [Sheldon is sorting laundry and Penny enters in Amy's fantasy] Hey, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
Penny: [seductively] Doing laundry?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I'm doing laundry. Saturday night is laundry night and I'm in a laundry room, so... I believe your inference is justified.
Penny: Oh, my inference is justified. Sheldon, you are so funny, Anyway, I need to do my laundry, too, because these clothes are so dirty. Almost as dirty as the dirty girl who's wearing them.
Penny: [Listening to the story] OK, that's enough.
Leonard Hofstadter: Disagree.
Raj Koothrappali: keep going.
Penny: [Standing in her bra] So. What do you think?
Sheldon Cooper: A tad asymmetrical, but nothing to be concerned about.
Penny: Please, Sheldon, I need you.
Sheldon Cooper: To... what?
Penny: To take me.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not taking you anywhere till you put on a shirt.
Penny: Come on, Sheldon. You and me, right here.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, for the thousandth time. I'm saving myself for someone special. Perhaps a cute bespectacled neuroscientist with hair the color of mud.
Penny: I think I know how to change your mind.

Penny: [Penny's fantasy story] OK, sweetie. Let me tell exactly how that would have gone down.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to do it. I'm going to ask her out.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm going squirt chocolate milk out of my nipples. Sorry. I thought we were saying things that are never going to happen.
Raj Koothrappali: Maybe this time he's going to do it.
Howard Wolowitz: Hope you're thirsty. Here it comes!
Leonard Hofstadter: Watch me.
Penny: Hey. You guys ready to order or do you need a few minutes?
Leonard Hofstadter: I... I... um.
Penny: A few minutes it is.
Raj Koothrappali: You didn't ask her out, but that was a lot of sounds.
Leonard Hofstadter: You guys are making me nervous.
Howard Wolowitz: Fine, then, go talk to her on your own.
Leonard Hofstadter: I will.
[goes over to Penny]
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me.
Penny: Yup.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hi, uhh, um, I'm Leonard.
Penny: Really? You don't sound so sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I am he. Any-anyway, um, there's been something I've wanted to ask you for a long time. Um.
Penny: What's that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I was wondering if you're not too busy... um... if you'd be interested in... telling me where the restroom is?
Penny: I think you're too late.

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, Sheldon sent us all an email. "Happy Holidays from Texas". And there's pictures. Arrgh, don't open them, do not open them.
Penny: Oh, come on, child birth is a natural, beautiful...
[sees picture]
Penny: urgh, it's like someone sawed a cow in half.
Raj Koothrappali: My father's a gynecologist; I think I can handle it.
[sees pictures]
Raj Koothrappali: Ehhh, now I'm gay.

[first lines]
Penny: [Penny and Amy are skiing to a video game] Alright, you're really good at this.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, I have an extremely low center of gravity. Like a pyramid.
Penny: How you doing over there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I hope it's just a sprain. I cannot walk into that ER with another video game injury.

Penny: I am a little strapped for cash this year, so for Christmas I was thinking of giving you
[sticks a bow on her Santa hat and runs her hands down her body]
Penny: this.
Leonard Hofstadter: I love it!
[they kiss]
Leonard Hofstadter: But it *is* what you got me last year. And last night.

[last lines]
[Leonard and Raj are very fat]
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to do it; I'm going to ask her out.
Howard Wolowitz: And chocolate milk out is going to squirt of my nipples.
Raj Koothrappali: Put up or shut up. You make it, I'll drink it.
Penny: You guys need anything else?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, your phone number and one more cheesecake.
Penny: I'm sorry, I have a boyfriend. Look, in fact, there he is now.
[Stu enters; she goes to him]
Penny: Ready to go, sweetheart.
Stuart Bloom: Not till I get my kiss.
[She kisses him and they leave]
Stuart Bloom: [Stu. sitting alone in an empty Cheesecake Factory, sighs]


"The Big Bang Theory: The Middle Earth Paradigm (#1.6)" (2007)
Leonard: A Homo habilis man discovering his opposable thumb says what?
Kurt: [confused] What?

Leonard: Are misfiring neurons in your hippocampus preventing the conversion from short term to long-term memory?

Sheldon: I'm confused. If there's no costume parade, what are we doing here?
Leonard: We're socializing. Meeting new people...
Sheldon: Telepathically?

Leonard: Why don't you just tell people you're a zebra?
Sheldon: Why don't you just tell people you're one of the seven dwarves?
Leonard: Because I'm Frodo!
Sheldon: Yes... Well... I'm the doppler effect!

Leonard: [after getting kissed by Penny in his Hobbit costume] That's right, you saw what you saw. That's how we roll in the Shire!

Raj Koothrappali: [dressed as Thor, Norse God of Thunder] Hey. Sorry I'm late but my hammer got stuck in the door on the bus.
Leonard: You went with Thor?
Raj Koothrappali: What? Just because I'm Indian I can't be a Norse God? No, no, no Raj has to be an Indian God. That's racism. I mean, look at Wolowitz. He's not English but he's dressed like Peter Pan. Sheldon is neither sound nor light but he's obviously the Doppler effect.
Howard Wolowitz: I'm not Peter Pan. I'm Robin Hood.
Raj Koothrappali: Really? Because I saw Peter Pan and you're dressed exactly like Cathy Rigby. She was a little bigger than you but it's basically the same look, man.

Sheldon: Like Jane Goodall observing the apes, I initially saw their interactions as confusing and unstructured, but patterns emerge, they have their own... language if you will.
Leonard: Go on.
Sheldon: Well, it seems that the newcomer approaches the existing group With the greeting: "How wasted am I?" which is met with an approving chorus of: "Dude!"
Leonard: Then what happens?
Sheldon: That's as far as I've gotten.

Penny: Well, I ran into him last week and, he was just, all apologetic, about how he's changed, and he was just going on and on and, and I believed him, and I'm an idiot because I always believe guys like that and... I can't go back to my party because he's there, and I know you don't want to hear this but I'm upset and I'm really drunk and I just want to talk...
[Bursts into tears and rests head on Leonard's shoulder]
Leonard: There, there.
Penny: God, what is wrong with me?
Leonard: Nothing; you're perfect.
Penny: I'm not perfect.
Leonard: Yes, you are.
Penny: You really think so, don't you?
[She kisses him]
Leonard: Penny?
Penny: Yeah?
Leonard: How much have you had to drink tonight?
Penny: Just... a lot.
Leonard: Are you sure that your being drunk, and your being angry with Kurt doesn't have something to do with what's going on here?
Penny: It might. Boy, you're really smart.
Leonard: Yeah, I'm a frickin' genius.
Penny: Leonard, you are so great. Why can't all guys be like you?
Leonard: Because if all guys were like me, the human race couldn't survive.

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: OK, if no-one else will say it, I will. We really suck at paint-ball.
Howard Wolowitz: That was absolutely humiliating.
Leonard: Oh, come on, some battles you win, some battles you lose.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, but you don't have to lose to Kyle Bernstein's Bar-Mitzvah party.
Leonard: I think we have to acknowledge those were some fairly savage preadolescent Jews.
Sheldon: No, we were annihilated by our own incompetent and the inability of some people to follow the chain of command.
Leonard: Sheldon, let it go!
Sheldon: No, I want to talk about the fact that Wolowitz shot me in the back.
Howard Wolowitz: I shot you for good reason. You were leading us into disaster.
Sheldon: I was giving clear, concise orders.
Leonard: You hid behind a tree yelling: "Get the kid in the yarmulke; get the kid in the yarmulke!"


"The Big Bang Theory: The Thanksgiving Decoupling (#7.9)" (2013)
Penny: Sheldon, you can have a nice Thanksgiving anywhere. I spent one in Vegas.
Leonard Hofstadter: You did?
Penny: Yeah. Back when I we dating Zack. It was actually more fun than I thought. We gambled, went to one of those cheesy wedding chapels. We had a really good turkey dinner which was surprising since we were at a strip club.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? You went to a chapel?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: We had one those silly fake weddings.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you know those are real, right?
Penny: [laughing it off] No, they're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
Penny: [Looking worried] No, they're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, they are.
Sheldon Cooper: He's right.
Amy Farrah Fowler: They're real.
Penny: [quietly] But it didn't feel real.

Penny: Why are you making this such a big deal?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I have a reason. It could be because you said yes to marrying Zack, but every time Leonard's proposed he's gotten a resounding no. That's just off the top of my head.
Penny: How do I undo this?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just hoping you can get a annulment which is like it never happened.
Penny: Great. Well, what do I have to do?
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's says here you can get an annulment if any of the following conditions are met. Were you unable to consummate the marriage?
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon laughs] Penny? Next.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Is there any evidence of fraud, bigamy, want of understanding?
Penny: Want of understanding? What does that even mean?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Ding! Ding! Ding! We have a winner!

Leonard Hofstadter: Why won't you sign it?
Zack Johnson: I just think splitting up can be rough on kids.
Penny: We don't have any kids!
Zack Johnson: Are you sure? Cause you didn't know we were married until this morning.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: The math is all there; it's not real
Penny: Yes, it is!
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, look. It is scientifically impossible for a person tip a cow. Even you with your stocky build and lumberjack shoulders, you couldn't do it.
Raj Koothrappali: It's horrible. Why would you push a cow over? They're sacred.
Penny: Oh, stop it. I've seen you eat a million hamburgers.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, an animal can be both sacred and delicious.
Penny: I'm telling you I've done it, okay? I clearly remember the cow standing up and then the cow on its side.
Leonard Hofstadter: Were you drunk?
Penny: I was sixteen in Nebraska, what do you think?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think you're the one who fell over.
Penny: That would explain why the sky was also on its side.

Leonard Hofstadter: It would actually be nice to not hear Sheldon complain about *my* cooking all day.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, excuse me, but every year you prepare a terrible meal and every year I criticize it. Do our traditions mean nothing to you?

Penny: Here.
[gives Howard a bottle]
Penny: Thank you for having us.
Howard Wolowitz: What's with you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, she's mad at me because she just found out she's married to Zack.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? That dumb ass you used to date? That's,
[laughs]
Howard Wolowitz: that's hysterical.
Penny: [grabs bottle back] I can't believe I felt bad for opening this in the car.

Leonard Hofstadter: How am I the bad guy? She the one who married someone else. I'm the victim.
Howard Wolowitz: Sounds like Zack's the victim. You're sleeping with his wife.

Mr. Rostenkowski: I've kept a marriage together for 35 years. Can I weigh in here?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
Mr. Rostenkowski: I'm trying to watch the game. Shut up.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Ornithophobia Diffusion (#5.9)" (2011)
Penny: So what are you and professor Fussy Face up to tonight?
Leonard Hofstadter: Star Wars on Blu-Ray.
Penny: Haven't you seen that movie like a thousand times?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not on Blu-Ray.
[pauses]
Leonard Hofstadter: Only twice on Blu-Ray.

Penny: It's not a date, Leonard. It's just a man and a woman hanging out, not having sex at the end of the night.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds like most of my dates.

Leonard Hofstadter: [after Sheldon freaking out about the bird] Sheldon, just ignore him.
Sheldon Cooper: Good idea! Attention is what birds want.

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you think I'm overdressed?
Sheldon Cooper: Depends on the activity. For a prostate exam, yes. To play in Vegas, I'd add sequins.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to the movies with Penny. I don't want her to think that I think it's a date.
Sheldon Cooper: Do you think it's a date?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. But she might think that I think it's a date even though I don't.
Sheldon Cooper: Or you might think she thinks you think it's a date even though she doesn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you overthinking this?
Sheldon Cooper: Not at all.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're right. I'm fine. I'm wearing this.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? A blazer? All right.

Penny: I want to know what you told her.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's kind of between me and...
[looks over at Laura]
Laura: Laura.
Leonard Hofstadter: Laura.
Penny: Oh. Okay, I see. So while he was telling you things, did he mention he owns not one, but two Star Trek uniforms?
Laura: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Wears them. Not just for Halloween.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, pal. You didn't see me telling Kevin that you thought cold wars were only fought in winter.
Penny: Okay. Then I'll return the favor, and I won't tell...
[looks over at Laura]
Laura: Laura.
Penny: Laura... that half the dirty movies you own are animated.
Leonard Hofstadter: When you were telling Kevin about your acting career, did you mention your long-running role as "Waitress" in a local production of "The Cheesecake Factory"?
Penny: Did you tell her about your lucky asthma inhaler?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah? Spell asthma.
Penny: A... s...
[pauses]
Penny: Take me home.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe I'm not done hanging out with...
[looks over the table and notices that Laura is gone]
Leonard Hofstadter: You're right. It's getting late.

Sheldon Cooper: Quick, what does a hawk sound like?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I don't know... Scree! Scree!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, please. That's a seagull.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Wearing a t-shirt, jeans and a backwards baseball cap] Too casual?
Sheldon Cooper: For an audience with the Queen, yes. For an evening of passing a bottle of fortified wine around a flaming trashcan, you look great.

Penny: Oh, hey. If we hurry, we can make the new Jennifer Aniston movie.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah, sure. There's also an amazing documentary about building a dam on a river in South America.
Penny: OK, but the Jennifer Aniston movie has Jennifer Aniston, and she's not building a dam.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can't argue with that. I'll get the tickets.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Contraction (#5.15)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Are you saying that you want to invoke Clause 209?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know what that is, but if it means I can go home and sleep, then yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Think carefully here. Clause 209 suspends our friendship and strips down the Roommate Agreement to its bare essentials. Our responsibilities toward each other would only be rent, utilities, and a perfunctory chin jut of recognition as we pass in the hall. "S'up?"
Leonard Hofstadter: Where do I sign?
Sheldon Cooper: Right here.
[turns his tablet around]
Sheldon Cooper: Use your finger.
Leonard Hofstadter: There, done.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, that's it. We are now no longer companions, boon or otherwise. We are now merely acquaintances. To amend the words of Toy Story: You have not got a friend in me!

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, Canada is not going to invade California
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah really? You think those hippies in Washington and Oregon can stop them?

Sheldon Cooper: Now, put on your hard had and safety vest.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, fun! I get to spend another night in front of our apartment dressed like one of The Village people.
Sheldon Cooper: You make that joke every three months; I still don't get it.

Penny: I got some candles in my apartment.
Sheldon Cooper: Candles, during a blackout! Are you mad! That's a fire hazard. No, Pasadena Water & Power recommends the far safer glow stick.
Leonard Hofstadter: You call that a glow stick?
[Pulls out a glowing lightsaber replica]
Leonard Hofstadter: That is a glow stick.

Leonard Hofstadter: It's just a blackout. I'm sure the power'll be back on soon.
Sheldon Cooper: And I'm sure some fool in the Donner party said the snow would stop any day now. I like to think they ate him first.

[first lines]
[Sheldon sounds a virtual klaxon in Leonard's bedroom]
Leonard Hofstadter: Yahhh! What the hell!
Sheldon Cooper: Emergency preparedness drill.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, no, come on!
Sheldon Cooper: You know how it works. Once a quarter; keep our readiness up. Now, rise and shine sleepyhead, half the town is probably dead.
Leonard Hofstadter: I have to get a lock for my door.

Penny: Oh, good, your power's out too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why is that good?
Penny: Because last month I sent the electric company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.

Penny: Oh, good. Your power's out too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why is that good?
Penny: Because last month, I sent the power company a Starbucks gift card, an apology note, and a few snapshots of me in a bra.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Staircase Implementation (#3.22)" (2010)
Sheldon: That's not an apology; that's simply an acknowledgement that I was right!
Leonard: Okay, I'm sorry.
Sheldon: There you go.

Leonard: [Flashback] Hi. Excuse me. I'm looking for Sheldon Cooper's apartment.
Sebastian: Oh. I bet you're here to check out the room for rent.
Leonard: Yeah.
Leonard: Run away dude.
Leonard: What?
Sebastian: Run fast, run far.
Sebastian: [Present day] That should have been my first clue.

Louie: [Flashback]
[a large, black man in a dress]
Louie: Yeah?
Leonard: Dr. Cooper?
Louie: No, you want the crazy guy across the hall.
Leonard: [Present day] In retrospect, that was clue number two.

Sheldon Cooper: Yes?
Leonard: I'm Leonard Hofstadter. I called you about the apartment and you said to come by...
Sheldon Cooper: I know what I said. I know what you said. I know what my mother said on March 5, 1992. What is the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: What?
Sheldon Cooper: You said you were a scientist. What is the sixth noble gas?
Leonard: Radon?
Sheldon Cooper: Are you asking me or telling me?
Leonard: Telling you?
[Sheldon glares at him]
Leonard: Telling you.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Next question. Kirk or Picard?
Leonard: That's tricky... Original Series over Next Generation, but Picard over Kirk.
Sheldon Cooper: Correct. You have passed the first barrier to roommatehood. You may enter.

Sheldon Cooper: We agree to reserve Friday nights to watch Joss Whedon's brilliant new show Firefly.
Leonard: Does that really need to be in the agreement?
Sheldon Cooper: We might as well settle it now. It's going to be on for years.

Leonard: According to the roommate agreement, I'm entitled to allocate 50% of the cubic footage of the common areas.
Sheldon Cooper: But you didn't notify me by e-mail first, so it's still a breach.
Leonard: I did notify you.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, you did, did you?
[Checks his Palm Pilot]
Sheldon Cooper: Drat! Hoisted by my own spam filter.
Leonard: What am I doing in your spam folder?
Sheldon Cooper: I put you there after you forwarded me a picture of a cat playing the piano entitled "This is funny."

Leonard: So, I did something stupid. I'm sure you did stupid things when you were younger. What were you doing seven years ago?
Penny: Excuse me, I was in high school, studying, keeping my nose clean, doing volunteer work for the community...
[Cut to Penny seven years ago, sitting with her boyfriend looking at a pregnancy kit]
Penny: Not pregnant! Yes!
[They high-five]

Sheldon: In a post-apocalyptic world, which task would you assign the highest priority? Locating a sustainable food source, reestablishing a functioning government, procreating, or preserving the knowledge of mankind?
Leonard: Uh, I'm gonna go with... preserving the knowledge.
Sheldon: That's correct. FYI, I would have accepted any answer other than procreating.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Good Guy Fluctuation (#5.7)" (2011)
[Leonard is getting advice from Penny about whether he should sleep with a local woman while his girlfriend is living in India]
Leonard Hofstadter: Here's the thing: I-I-I'm not one of those guys who sneaks around and sleeps with more than one woman.
Penny: Good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Problem is, I want to be one of those guys.
Penny: So, sleep with the new girl and lie to Priya.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's not who I am.
Penny: Alright, then break it off with the new girl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, now let's not do anything rash. Sh-she's really hot...
Penny: If you like this girl so much, why don't you just end things with Priya?
Leonard Hofstadter: Priya and I are in love. I think we could get married some day.
Penny: Leonard, you're looking for a way to sleep with both women, and have everybody be happy about it.
Leonard Hofstadter: *Now* we're getting somewhere!

Leonard Hofstadter: [after Alice writes down her number in his palm] Sorry, my palm is a little sweaty. What's that word?
Alice: Alice.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, right! Your name. That makes more sense than "penis".

Penny: Did you tell her about Priya?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I was gonna, but I had too many tounges in my mouth.

Penny: What does your gut tell you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Go ask Penny, she'll know what to do.

Priya: [after confessing he kissed another woman] Leonard, relax. It's ok.
Leonard Hofstadter: It is?
Priya: Yeah. These things happen. They happen to everybody.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh my God, you are amazing. I mean, I don't deserve you. Wh-what do you mean everybody?
Priya: Leonard, I didn't know if I should tell you, but, I kind of cheated on you, too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Kind of?
Priya: A couple of weeks ago, I slept with my ex-boyfriend. So I guess we both messed up a little.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, I messed up a little, you messed up a lot.
Priya: Well, it's not a competition.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah it is, and you won.

Howard Wolowitz: [after scaring Sheldon and making him faint] Who had money on faints?
Raj Koothrappali: I had peed his pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Looks like everyone's a winner.

Leonard Hofstadter: [after scaring Sheldon a second time] You might be from Texas, but I'm from New Jersey.

Penny: Did you tell her about Priya?
Leonard Hofstadter: I was gonna but there were too many tongues in my mouth.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Agreement Dissection (#4.21)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: No offense, but shower sex with you is now the second best thing that's happened today.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, are you in the shower?
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!
Sheldon Cooper: I asked if you were in the shower, but that's moot now!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Moot! Rendered unimportant by recent events!
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't hear you! I'm in the shower!

Sheldon Cooper: I have to skip the chit-chat. Emergency.
Leonard Hofstadter: What kind of emergency?
Sheldon Cooper: Mathematical. 32 ounce banana smoothie, 16 ounce bladder.

Leonard Hofstadter: Top of her class, Cambridge University. Licensed to practice law in three countries and your face.

Sheldon Cooper: This is Greek food? Leonard, you hate Greek food.
Leonard Hofstadter: Not as much as you.
Sheldon Cooper: fine. I'm nothing if not adaptable.
Leonard Hofstadter: I got you the lamb kabob.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you.
[Sheldon takes a bite and begins to chew vigorously]
Sheldon Cooper: If you think about it, Greek food isn't that far from Italian food. They share a spice palette.
[Chews]
Sheldon Cooper: And what a civilization is the Greeks'.
[Chews some more]
Sheldon Cooper: They gave us science, democracy... and little cubes of charred meat that taste like sweat.
[Spits out kabob]

Sheldon Cooper: Do you remember what happened to the alien, played by talented character actor Frank Gorshin, in the Star Trek episode "Let That Be Your Last Battlefield"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, Captain Kirk activated the self-destruct sequence and threatened to blow up the Enterprise and kill them both unless he gave in?
Sheldon Cooper: Affirmative. Computer, this is Dr. Sheldon Cooper. Activate self-destruct sequence. Code 1-1-A-2-B.

Leonard Hofstadter: [as Sheldon counts down the "self destruct sequence"] It's blackmail!
Priya Koothrappali: We give up.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is ridiculous.
[unplugs the laptop]
Sheldon Cooper: It's a laptop with a full charge. Honestly, what do you see in him?

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [yells at her screeching monkey] They were out of menthol; get off my back!
[to Sheldon]
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's not easy living with a temperamental little primate.
Leonard Hofstadter: [off-screen] C'mon, Priya, just admit I embarrass you!
Sheldon Cooper: You're preaching to the choir, sister.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Perspiration Implementation (#9.5)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, ready for lunch?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, one sec.
Sheldon Cooper: Is that the prototype drive system for the high-G rover?
Howard Wolowitz: No, Bernadette got me a Fitbit so she can track how much I'm exercising.
Leonard Hofstadter: That'll teach her to care about your health.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I can't wait to see the look on her face when I die young.

Leonard Hofstadter: Look at all these activities the university has. Rock climbing club, archery, flag football.
Sheldon Cooper: Had me at flag, lost me at football.

Penny Hofstadter: I think it's great you guys want to get more exercise, but do you really think sports is the right choice for you?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you saying? We're not coordinated enough to play sports?
Penny Hofstadter: Okay, Leonard, sweetheart, you twisted your ankle playing Scrabble.
Leonard Hofstadter: I got a triple-word score with a double letter Q. If that's not a time to bust out the Scrabble dance, what's the point of having one?

Leonard Hofstadter: Barry Kripke started a fencing club.
Sheldon Cooper: Interesting. Sword fighting does hold a certain elegant appeal. And I would imagine it meets many of our personal criteria for a sport.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's indoors, so no sunscreen.
Sheldon Cooper: No throwing, no catching, no running.
Leonard Hofstadter: No gym shorts that can be yanked down.
Sheldon Cooper: Or worse, up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Preach.

Barry Kripke: Gentlemen, welcome to the fencing club. Before we start, I just want to warn you, fencing isn't a joke. I hope you're not here because you think it's going to be like Star Wars.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not why we're here.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, I'm here because I think it's gonna be like Game of Thrones.
Howard Wolowitz: And maybe a little Princess Bride.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, ooh! I forgot about Princess Bride! That's my answer!

Leonard Hofstadter: Listen, I should warn you that maybe asking Amy out isn't a good idea.
Sheldon Cooper: Barry, a word?
Leonard Hofstadter: And now the crazy version of what I just said.
Sheldon Cooper: If you intend to pursue Amy, you leave me with no choice but to put a stop to it.
Barry Kripke: And how are you gonna do that?
Sheldon Cooper: By challenging you to a duel.
Barry Kripke: You've had one lesson. I'll destroy you.
Sheldon Cooper: That is why the duel will take place at high noon, three years from today. If you're worth your salt as an instructor, I should be ready by then. Yeah, and be warned. I'm going to touch you all over.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow, that was crazier than I thought.

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm surprised you wanted to go to a sports bar, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Look at this blister. Like it or not, we're athletes now.

Sheldon Cooper: I smell funny. I taste salty.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're just sweaty from exercise.
Sheldon Cooper: And kind of delicious. I wonder how many licks it would take to get to the center of me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know it only takes one doctor's finger.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pancake Batter Anomaly (#1.11)" (2008)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Checkmate.
Leonard: Aaow! Again?
Sheldon Cooper: Obviously, you're not well-suited for three-dimensional chess. Perhaps three-dimensional Candy Land would be more your speed.
Leonard: Just reset the board.
Sheldon Cooper: It must be humbling to suck on so many different levels.

Leonard: What the hell are you doing?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm making Petri dishes to grow throat cultures.
Leonard: With lime Jello?
Sheldon Cooper: I need a growth medium, and *someone* polished off the apricot yogurt.

Leonard: Alright, well, get some rest and drink plenty of fluids!
Sheldon Cooper: What else would I drink? Gasses? Solids? Ionized plasma?

Leonard: How was Nebraska?
Penny: Oh, better than North Dakota.
[pause]
Penny: Guess that joke's only funny in Nebraska.
Sheldon Cooper: From the data at hand, you really can't draw that conclusion. All you can say with absolute certainty is that that joke is not funny here.

Sheldon Cooper: Wait.
[hands Leonard a measuring cup]
Sheldon Cooper: Put this in the bathroom.
Leonard: What for?
Sheldon Cooper: I need to measure my fluid intake and output to make sure my kidneys aren't shutting down.
Leonard: I mix pancake batter in this!
Sheldon Cooper: No, that measuring cup has always been for urine.
Leonard: You had time to make a label for everything in this apartment, including the label maker, but you didn't have ten seconds to make one that said urine cup?
Sheldon Cooper: It's right here on the bottom.
Leonard: Oh. I guess I owe the Betty Crocker company a letter of apology.

Leonard: Howard, it's Leonard. Code milky green.
Howard Wolowitz: Dear Lord, not milky green.

Howard Wolowitz: [on the phone with Leonard] Hang on, call waiting.
Leonard: No, don't, don't...
Howard Wolowitz: [switches over] Hello?
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, I'm sick.
Howard Wolowitz: Uh.
[imitating his mother]
Howard Wolowitz: Howard's sleeping, this is his mother. Why are you calling at this ungodly hour?
Sheldon Cooper: I need soup.
Howard Wolowitz: [still imitating his mother] Then call your own mother.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Do you think Penny will come here and take care of us?
Leonard: I don't think Penny's ever coming here again.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm very congested.
Leonard: Yeah, so?
Sheldon Cooper: Could you go to the kitchen, and get me the turkey baster labelled mucous?
Leonard: If I stand, I'll vomit.
Sheldon Cooper: Under the sink, yellow Tupperware bowl.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bozeman Reaction (#3.13)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear Lord, they redid the menu.
Leonard Hofstadter: So what? Its the same food.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, is it? Look at this. General Tso's chicken is no longer listed under 'specialties'; it's now under 'chicken'.
Raj Koothrappali: So?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, General Tso.
Raj Koothrappali: Not 'Tso' the chicken, 'so' the question.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, the more I think about it, the 'mobster sauce' couldn't possibly contain chunks of mobster.
Leonard Hofstadter: And why is that?
Sheldon Cooper: It was listed under seafood.
Leonard Hofstadter: What if they were mobsters who slept with the fishes?
[laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, are we having a serious conversation or not?

Leonard Hofstadter: Would I be completely out of line for me to ask you to shoot him?
Officer Hackett: I'd be happy to put him under a seventy-two hour psychiatric hold.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not crazy. My mother had me tested.

Penny: I can't believe it! If I hadn't been working the dinner shift, I would've run right into the robbers.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, there's no reason for you to be scared.
Penny: I'm not scared.
[picks up baseball bat]
Penny: I would have gone all Nebraska on their asses.

Leonard Hofstadter: Where did you get all this stuff?
Howard Wolowitz: Eh, I got a buddy over at the Department of Defense.
Leonard Hofstadter: He just *gave* it to you?
Howard Wolowitz: I'm sure he would've if I'd asked. Ironically, their security isn't all that good.

Sheldon Cooper: They took our TV, two laptops, four external hard-drives, our PS2, our PS3, our X-Box, our X-Box 360, our classic Nintendo, our Super Nintendo, our Nintendo 64 and our Wii.
Leonard Hofstadter: We like games.
Sheldon Cooper: Right, games. They took Halo 1, Halo 2, Halo 3, Call of Duty 1, Call of Duty 2, Call of Duty 3, Rock Band, Rock Band 2, Final Fantasy 1 through 9, The Legend of Zelda, The Legend of Zelda: Ocarina of Time, The Legend of Zelda: Twilight Princess, Super Mario Brothers, Super Mario Galaxy, Mario and Sonic at the Winter Olympics... and Ms. Pac-Man.
Officer Hackett: [writing] Assorted video games.

Sheldon Cooper: [while looking at a menu] And look over here, 'Shrimp in Mobster Sauce'. What is mobster sauce?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's obviously a typo.
Sheldon Cooper: Hmm, perhaps. Or perhaps this restaurant's now a front for organised crime. For all we know the mobster sauce contains actual chunks of deceased mobsters.
Raj Koothrappali: No, no, no, no. I think it just means it's the kind of sauce that mobsters like.
Howard Wolowitz: It doesn't mean any of that. It's a typo.

Howard Wolowitz: Oh, come on. So you were the victim of a crime. That's part of life. When my great-grandfather first came to this country, he put all his hopes and dreams into this little butcher shop he ran on the Lower East Side of New York. You know what happened? Every customer who walked into that butcher shop and asked for a pound of liver, got ripped off. But, those people moved on, and so should you.
Sheldon Cooper: I am moving on. I'm going to be a Bozite.
Leonard Hofstadter: They call themselves Bozites?
Sheldon Cooper: They should. It's one of the first things I plan to bring up upon arrival.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I can't believe I'm saying this, but I'm going to miss you.
Sheldon Cooper: Please, Penny, as you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared a short video. - - Greetings. As you know, I'm not comfortable with prolonged good-byes and maudlin displays of emotion, so I prepared this short video. The four of you are three of my closest friends and one treasured acquaintance. Though I cannot state categorically that my life will be diminished by not having you in it, I am comfortable if you choose to believe that. Since you intend to remain in this lawless metropolitan area, statistics suggest that you will succumb to tragic and gruesome ends before we meet again. Live long and prosper.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hamburger Postulate (#1.5)" (2007)
Penny: I didn't know you played the cello.
Leonard: Yeah, my parents felt that naming me Leonard and putting me in advanced placement classes wasn't getting me beaten up enough.

Leonard: Penny? What about her?
Leslie: Well, I thought I saw your pupils dilate when you looked at her, which, unless you're a heroin addict, points to sexual attraction.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, what did she mean by that? Or was that just a generic platitude or was that a subtle bid for attention?
Sheldon Cooper: You know why this hamburger surpasses the Big Boy? This is a single-decker hamburger whereas the Big Boy is a double-decker. This has a much more satisfying meat to bun to condiment ratio.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you even listening to me?
Sheldon Cooper: Of course I'm listening. "Blah blah, hopeless Penny delusion, blah blah."
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay then. You know, you can grow the ingredients for soup.

Leonard: Why are you smashing a flash-frozen banana?
Leslie: 'Cause I got a bowl of Cheerios and I couldn't find a knife.

Sheldon Cooper: I like the hamburgers where we usually have hamburgers, you can't make the assumption that I'll like the hamburgers here.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry. Give him a hamburger.
Penny: Uh, which one, the Classic Burger, the Ranch House Burger, the Barbecue Burger or the Kobe burger?
Sheldon Cooper: Can't we just go to Big Boy? They only have one burger. The Big Boy.
Penny: The Barbecue Burger is like the Big Boy.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, in a world that already includes a Big Boy, why would I settle for something like a Big Boy?
Penny: Because you are not at Big Boy!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll have the Barbecue Burger.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Alright. I'm moving my infantry division, augmented by a battalion of orcs from Lord of the Rings. We fight the Tennessee Volunteers, and the North once again wins the Battle of Gettysburg.
Howard Wolowitz: Not so fast. Remember the South still has two infantry divisions, plus Superman and Godzilla.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no no. Orcs are magic; Superman is vulnerable to magic. Not to mention, you already lost Godzilla to the Illinois Cavalry and Hulk.
Raj Koothrappali: Why don't you just have Robert E. Lee charge the line with Shiva and Ganesh?
Penny: Hey, you guys ready to order?
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on, honey. Shiva and Ganesh? The Hindu gods against the entire Union army?
Leonard Hofstadter: And orcs!
Penny: I'll be back.
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me, Ganesh is the remover of obstacles and Shiva's the destroyer. When the smoke clears Abraham Lincoln will be speaking Hindi and drinking mint juleps.
Penny: Alright, my boss says you have to either order or leave and never come back.

Leonard Hofstadter: Leslie and I do research together at the university.
Penny: Oh, wow! A girl scientist.
Leslie Winkle: Yup, come for the breasts, stay for the brains.

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, look, it's Dr. Stud.
Leonard Hofstadter: Doctor what?
Howard Wolowitz: The blogosphere is a-buzzing with news of you and Leslie Winkle making
[gibberish noises to imply sexual intercourse]
Leonard Hofstadter: Wha... how did it get on the Internet?
Howard Wolowitz: I put it there.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, how did you know about it?
Raj Koothrappali: A little bird told us. Apparently you were a magnificent beast.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Psychic Vortex (#3.12)" (2010)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Look at us! Getting ready for a double date with actual women who publicly acknowledge they're our girlfriends.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Actual women are the best.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't understand. What other kind of women are there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, artificial women are your department. You want to take this?
Howard Wolowitz: Nah. It would just freak him out.

Rajesh Koothrappali: Namasté, white people! Good news. I've rented us the four-hour edition of Watchmen.
Leonard Hofstadter: Got it.
Howard Wolowitz: Seen it.
Sheldon Cooper: Detailed analysis posted online.

Howard Wolowitz: I don't like to kiss and tell, but somebody made it to eighth base.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell is eighth base?
Howard Wolowitz: Seventh base with shirt off. Well, my shirt.

Leonard Hofstadter: What am I supposed to do? Pretend I believe something I don't whenever I'm with Penny?
Howard Wolowitz: Hey, I'm sure Penny fakes all kinds of things when she's with you.

Howard Wolowitz: [Watching Leonard melt his action figures with a laser] Are we taking our relationship frustrations out on innocent Cylons?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not just Cylons. Superman's next.
Howard Wolowitz: All right, I was going to try to squeeze in a little more mocking before lunch, but I can come back later when you don't have a high-powered weapon.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know, the best thing about being in a committed, monogamous, mutually supportive relationship is that even if you have different ideas, you can have a spirited debate, yet still care for, even make love with... Want your fish? I knew you were going to do that. Doesn't make me psychic! Attaboy, Leonard, make it worse.

Penny: Wow, that's all you got after you were the most obnoxious person on a double date that included Howard Wolowitz?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I'm sorry. I really am. It's not right to mock what a person believes in.
Penny: Thank you. Would you be willing to go to my psychic and see what it's all about?
Leonard Hofstadter: Would you be willing to read a book that concisely explains how all psychics are frauds?
Penny: I would not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, let's go see your psychic.
Penny: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, yeah, one of us has to keep an open mind.
Penny: You saying I don't have an open mind?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, not at all. Let me help you with this stuff.
Penny: You know, I believe in ghosts, too.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great.
Penny: And astrology.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, and pyramid power and healing crystals.
Penny: Oh, no, no, no, crystals don't work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really, that's the line? Psychics are real, but crystals are voodoo?
Penny: Oh, voodoo's real. You don't want to mess with voodoo.

Leonard Hofstadter: I hope you're hungry, Bernadette. We're going to a terrific restaurant.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, yeah, I'm starved. When you spend all day in a bio-lab watching flesh-eating bacteria skeletonize small rodents it really works up an appetite.
Howard Wolowitz: Flesh-eating bacteria and yet I still wanna kiss this woman. What does that tell you?
Penny: That you'd be willing to die a horrible death on the off chance you'd get to second-base?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Transporter Malfunction (#5.20)" (2012)
Penny: Tada!
Sheldon Cooper: A vintage, mint in box 1975 Mego Star Trek Transporter, with real transporter action. Hotdarn!
Leonard Hofstadter: Where did you get that?
Penny: That's from Stuart at the comic book store.
Leonard Hofstadter: You went to the comic book store by yourself?
Penny: Yeah! It was fun. I walked in and two different guys got asthma attacks. Felt pretty good.
Sheldon Cooper: This calls for an expression of gratitude.
Penny: Ooh, am I about to get a rare, Sheldon Cooper hug?
Sheldon Cooper: No, not this time, then they wouldn't be special.
[makes a finger-gun gesture]
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, Penny!
Penny: You're welcome. Don't worry, I didn't forget about you. Leonard, I got you... a label maker!
Leonard Hofstadter: Ahh... No, it's great. Also... it's mint in box.
Penny: And... I got you a transporter too!
Leonard Hofstadter: Awesome!

Sheldon Cooper: I hate wedding receptions. I wish the bride and groom would take a cue from Bilbo Baggins; slip on the ring, disappear, and everyone goes home.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmmm, you liked Professor Geyster's wedding.
Sheldon Cooper: They had a make-your-own-sundae bar. Oh, that was a night to remember. D'you know, on one trip, I just had a bowl of nuts.

Raj Koothrappali: All right, uh, fine. I'm coming and I'm bringing somebody. Koothrappali plus one.
Leonard Hofstadter: Who are you bringing?
Raj Koothrappali: [Defensively] Who are *you* bringing?
Penny: He's bringing me. And who are you bringing?
Raj Koothrappali: Wow, what a bunch of nosy O'Donnells!

Leonard Hofstadter: Once you open the box, it loses its value.
Penny: Yeah, yeah. My mom gave me the same lecture about my virginity. Gotta tell you, it was a lot more fun taking it out and playing with it.

Sheldon Cooper: It was me. I opened your toy... discovered it was broken, and didn't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you open mine?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't, that was a lie. I opened my own toy... and it was already broken, so I switched them.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you should talk to Stuart.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't because that was a lie. Yours was broken in an earthquake and that's a lie.
Penny: What is the truth?
Sheldon Cooper: My Mr. Spock doll came to me in a dream and forced me to open it, and when the toy broke I switched it for yours. Later he encouraged me to do the right thing and I defied him. And then I was attacked by a Gorn.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, that I believe.

Sheldon Cooper: And, Leonard, even though I don't have one anymore, I hope you have fun playing with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: And that's a lie, right?
Sheldon Cooper: A big fat whopper. I hope it breaks.

Sheldon Cooper: Quantum physics makes me so happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah? I'm glad.
Sheldon Cooper: It's like looking at the universe naked.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Combustion (#8.23)" (2015)
Penny: Leonard, what time does your mom's plane get in?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. Sometime tomorrow morning.
Penny: Don't you want to know for sure?
Leonard Hofstadter: No need to. As soon as she flies into California airspace, I'll feel a disturbance in the Force.

Penny: You know, your mom's never been too thrilled with our relationship. Maybe I should get her something so she warms up to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you could run out and get a PhD, that might make her like you.
Penny: Really? It didn't work for you.

Leonard Hofstadter: I change my answer. It's amazing. It's hot. We can barely keep our hands off each other.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Seems odd to try and impress your mother with your sexual prowess. But then, you always did have that unresolved Oedipal complex.

Leonard Hofstadter: Even with your mother here, you are deliberately hogging all the attention from my mom. You're like one of those elephant seal pups that steals the milk from two mothers!
Sheldon Cooper: Do you mean what marine biologists refer to as "super weaning"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, you are a super weaner!
Sheldon Cooper: Well, now I have to correct you. As a bit of an elephant seal buff, the more accurate comparison would be when two mother seals actively seek to nourish the same pup. So I believe the term you're looking for is a double mother suckler
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, you're right. That is the term I'm looking for. You are a dirty double mother suckler!
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, well, now that we have the terminology straightened out, how dare you?

Leonard Hofstadter: Not once did my mother ever give me any love or affection for just being myself. I always had to earn it.
Mary Cooper: Oh, Leonard, I'm sure she loves you very much. In her own cold godless way.

Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Come to Mommy.
Penny: It's okay. Go ahead.
[Beverly hugs Leonard awkwardly]
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: Oh, my son.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my mother.
Penny: Oh, my God.

Leonard Hofstadter: Mom, tell Mary the story of how I made a Van der Graff generator out of our vacuum cleaner.
Dr. Beverly Hofstadter: All right. He broke the vacuum cleaner.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Work Song Nanocluster (#2.18)" (2009)
Penny: [about the website Leonard designed for Penny's business] It seems a little juvenile. It looks like the MySpace page of a thirteen year-old girl.
Leonard Hofstadter: No it doesn't!
Howard Wolowitz: Dateline could use it to attract predators.

Rajesh Koothrappali: You know if I wanted to spend my Saturday nights doing this, I could have stayed in India.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, stop with the fake Third World crap. Your father is a gynecologist, and you had a house full of servants.
Rajesh Koothrappali: He only had four servants, and two of them were children.

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry guys, but secret agent laser obstacle lunch is just stupid.

[Leonard, Howard, and Raj are playing "Secret Agent LASER Obstacle Chess"]
Howard Wolowitz: Hey! You know what would be a great idea? We get some girls over here and play LASER obstacle strip chess.
Leonard Hofstadter: Believe me, Howard, any girl who would be willing to play that you don't want to see naked.
Howard Wolowitz: You underestimate me.

Leonard Hofstadter: All right, what's wrong with it?
Sheldon Cooper: What's wrong with it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not from you!

Howard Wolowitz: Leonard died again, Sheldon. You're up.
Sheldon Cooper: Despite my deep love of chess, lasers, and aerosol disinfectant, I must forfeit.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's almost 11:00.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So Penny has a "don't knock on my door before 11:00 or I punch you in the throat" rule.

Sheldon Cooper: Look at Planck's Constant. People say it's arbitrary. It could not be less arbitrary. If it varied even slightly, life as we know it would not exist. Bam! Now, now, let's reconsider the entire argument, but with entropy reversed and effect preceding cause, so you are thinking of a universe that's not expanding from the centre, no, it is retreating from a, from a possibility space. Bam! This is a space where we are all essentially Alice through the looking glass, standing in front the Red Queen, and we're being offered a cracker to quench our thirst. Bam! Of course, in another universe, let's call it universe prime, there's another Sheldon, let's call him Sheldon prime...
Penny: We should have let him go to bed.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bam.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hesitation Ramification (#7.12)" (2014)
Amy Farrah Fowler: It's nice that we all get to eat together.
[the guys mumble in agreement]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Can we maybe put the phones down and have an actual human conversation?
Sheldon Cooper: We can, but thanks to Steve Jobs we don't have to.
Penny: Guys, guys. You're never going to believe this.
Leonard Hofstadter: What happened?
Penny: I just got a job on a TV show.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's great. Guys!
[Guys mumble acknowledgement]
Howard Wolowitz: What's the show?
Penny: NCII or you know NCSC. I don't know. It's the one with all the letters and I'm going to be on it.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's amazing.
Howard Wolowitz: What's your part?
Penny: I play a customer in a diner and I flirt with Mark Harmon.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooooh. Mark Harmon. He's a dreamboat.
Leonard Hofstadter: So it's just flirting.
Penny: Yea, why?
Leonard Hofstadter: No reason. I just think it's sexier when left to the imagination.
Penny: Oh.
Amy Farrah Fowler: He's wrong.

Penny: Are you kidding me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Really because...
Penny: Well... the diner scene. Where's my diner scene?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, don't ask me. Until I see the prequel, I'm lost.
Penny: No. This was supposed the big scene with me and Mark Harmon, but it's... it's gone.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What happened?
Penny: They must have cut it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, Penny. I'm sorry.
Howard Wolowitz: That stinks.
Raj Koothrappali: I'm sure you were great.
Penny: This doesn't make any sense to me. I mean... I thought I did a really good job. I... Excuse me.

Penny: You didn't get your part cut. And you didn't get your part cut. Yep a bunch of old guys rocking out in a band all with erectile dysfunction, you didn't get your part cut.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, can we talk?
Penny: We can, but the part of Penny might get cut.

Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. How much for a hundred long stemmed red roses? Really? How much for three?
Penny: Hey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'll call you back.
Penny: Look, I know you were just trying to help with your Star Wars thing. I didn't mean to call it idiotic.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I don't think you called it idiotic.
Penny: Oh. Sorry, I meant to. Anyway, um,. I was just upset with myself. I wasn't mad at you. I just feel like everything is falling apart.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on. It's OK.
Penny: No, it's not OK. Look at me. OK. I took a temp job as a waitress forever ago, and still doing it. I can't quit because guess what, I can't do at anything else. And I finally get me big break and it goes away. I'm such a mess.
Leonard Hofstadter: No you're not.
Penny: Really? Cause this morning at Starbucks a pair of old underwear fell out of my pant leg. And it wasn't the only one in there.

Leonard Hofstadter: OK, listen to me. This is just a minor setback.
Penny: No it's not. I've been out here for like ten years. I've nothing to show for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: You have me.
Penny: You're right. I do have you. Mmm. Let's get married.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Ohh. Leonard Hofstadter... will you marry me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ummm.
Penny: Did you seriously just say, "Ummm"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Look you know I love you, but you're drunk and sad and feeling lost...
Penny: OK, so... so... you don't want to marry me?
Leonard Hofstadter: That is not what I said.
Penny: No forget it. I take it back. Offers off the table.
Sheldon Cooper: Who's in the mood to laugh?
Leonard Hofstadter: Really not a good time.
Sheldon Cooper: But I used science to construct the perfect joke.
Penny: I'm gonna go.
Leonard Hofstadter: No. Penny don't.
Penny: No, no. I just need to be alone.

Sheldon Cooper: Can't sleep?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like to talk about it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny proposed and I didn't say yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's a good question.
Sheldon Cooper: Does that mean the relationship is over?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Why don't you ask her?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because I am afraid to know the answer.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I'm sorry.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's it? You're not going to make some dumb joke or inappropriate comment?
Sheldon Cooper: No. You're my friend and I'm sorry.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry.
[Pats Leonard on the back]
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks. Wait, did you just put a 'Kick Me' sign on my back?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
[Rips a paper off Leonard's back]


"The Big Bang Theory: The Contractual Obligation Implementation (#6.18)" (2013)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Look, I know you guys don't want to do this but we have no choice, so you can either bitch and whine, or we can just get it over with.
Howard Wolowitz: I got whine.
Sheldon Cooper: I got the 'b' word.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, well, it's in our contract to serve on a university committee, and frankly this is one I believe in. Okay, here we go. 'Encouraging more women to pursue a career in the sciences.'
Howard Wolowitz: C'mon, if I was any good at convincing women to do stuff, I wouldn't have spent so much of my twenties in the shower.

Sheldon Cooper: I believe in a gender-blind society like in Star Trek, where women and men of all races and creeds worked side by side as equals.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean where they were advanced enough to invent an inter-stellar warp drive but a black lady still answered the space phone?
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I did spend a lot of my shower time with Lieutenant Uhura.

Sheldon Cooper: Well, I think this whole thing is a waste of time.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean helping women get interested in science?
Sheldon Cooper: No, helping anyone. People should be able to take care of themselves.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean like when I drove you to the pharmacy, the dry cleaners and the post office?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not against people using tools. Even an otter picks up a rock once in a while to open a clam.

Leonard Hofstadter: We're supposed to be encouraging women to study science. Can you at least play a less sexist game?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't see anything sexist. She can handle a battleaxe as well as any man.
Howard Wolowitz: And she has mammary glands that can breast feed a family of thirty and have enough milk left over to open a Baskin-Robbins.
Sheldon Cooper: Mother, warrior princess, small business owner, I see glass ceilings shattering all over the place.

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, hold on. While I'm comfortable speaking about science, I'm not sure I know how to spark the interest of school children. Better Google it.
Howard Wolowitz: What exactly are you looking up?
Sheldon Cooper: [Types] How do I get twelve-year-old girls excited?
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz: Nooo!

Leonard Hofstadter: Nice of your school to let us talk to girls about science.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. They're very excited to hear from their most famous student, except for the serial killer that ate all those prostitutes.
Sheldon Cooper: Must be exciting to come back to your alma mater as an astronaut.
Howard Wolowitz: I know. I left here a skinny nerd...
Leonard Hofstadter: And now you're also an astronaut.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Enters] Hey, so how was... Huh?
Penny: [Dressed as Sleeping Beauty] I can explain. I played hooky with the girls and we went to Disneyland and got... What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: [Undressing] I'm listening, keep going.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Raiders Minimization (#7.4)" (2013)
Penny: I thought you went to the comic book store on Wednesdays.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, yeah, but Sheldon and Amy were having date night, and they don't need me there to make it awkward. They have each other for that.

Leonard Hofstadter: So how was school?
Penny: Oh, good. Check it out: 'The Disappointing Child' by Beverly Hofstadter.
Leonard Hofstadter: You bought my mom's book?
Penny: Yeah. It's on the recommended reading list for my psychology class.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aaaw, come on, not that book! I-i-it's got every horrible story from my childhood in it.
Penny: Oh, cool! Are there pictures?
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously, please find another book.
Penny: Oh, c'mon, why? How bad could it be?
Leonard Hofstadter: There's chapters about the potty-training... bed-wetting... masturbation. Basically, if something came out of me she wrote about it! Y'know what, do whatever you want. Just don't talk to me about it.
Penny: Not even the chapter on the breast-feeding crisis?
Leonard Hofstadter: It was not a crisis. Apparently I favored the left one; she got a little lop-sided.
Penny: Oh my God! You still go left!

Penny: Why are you so angry?
Leonard Hofstadter: Gee, I don't know; maybe it's because I was always the subject of her little experiments. Did you get to the chapter where she staged the Easter egg hunt with no eggs to see how long I'd keep looking?
[Penny shakes her head]
Leonard Hofstadter: The answer, by the way, June!
Penny: Sweetie, I'm so sorry. I wish there was something I could do to make you feel better.
Leonard Hofstadter: I do too, but there's not.
Penny: Really? Are you sure about that?
[she hugs him and kisses his neck]

[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: Wait! Wait! If it wasn't for Indiana Jones, the ark would never have ended up at the warehouse.
Sheldon Cooper: That's true. He collected and delivered the ark to the proper authorities for filing.
Raj Koothrappali: Like a hero!
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz: Yeah!
Leonard Hofstadter: Although technically Indy was supposed to take the ark to a museum to be studied; he couldn't even get that done.
Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Man.

Leonard Hofstadter: [entering Penny's apartment] Hey I was just... what is happening?
Penny: [Penny dressed in a nightie] Oh, just a little treat. I know you've been feeling really bad about your Mom lately.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, oh, I have. So bad.
Penny: And I wanted to make you to feel better. So I planned something very special for you.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can already feel it working.
[he starts to drop his pants]
Beverly Hofstadter: [Penny turns her laptop around and there is Beverly Hofstadter] Hello, Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: [he hurriedly puts his pants back on] Mom?
Beverly Hofstadter: I understand you have been whining about my parenting in order to emotionally manipulate your girlfriend.
Leonard Hofstadter: I, uhhh.
Penny: Bernadette told me everything. Now you don't get the left or the right.
[referring to the running joke about his preference for the left in breast-feeding as a child]
Beverly Hofstadter: [Penny leaves the room] Let's discuss why you continue to involve me in your sex life.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh please, mommy. No, mommyyyyy.
Beverly Hofstadter: When you were six years old you walked in on me and your father naked. I was swatting his bottom with your brand new ping pong paddle.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't dream that?
Beverly Hofstadter: How did that make you feel?
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, come back! I'm sad for real now.

Howard Wolowitz: Wow. Sex at work!
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, leave it alone; that's my girlfriend...
Howard Wolowitz: Sorry.
Leonard Hofstadter: WHO JUST HAD SEX WITH ME AT WORK!
Howard Wolowitz: Damn, how'd you swing that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, whenever I talk about how awful my Mom was, Penny will do anything to make me feel better.
Howard Wolowitz: Seriously?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not proud of it, but it does work.

Sheldon Cooper: Hang on. You spend time with Amy. Can you think of anything she's fond of that has a bunch of flaws that she hasn't noticed?
Leonard Hofstadter: I gotta go.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Viewing Party Combustion (#9.21)" (2016)
Sheldon Cooper: A party sub implies it's a party.
Leonard Hofstadter: Your attendance implies it's not.
Sheldon Cooper: I like a party as much as the next man. As long as the next man doesn't like a party.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: I have a question about Batman. Batman is a man who dresses up like a bat. Manbat is a part man part bat hybrid. Now, if Manbat dressed up as a man to fight crime, would he be Manbatman;?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, he'd be Batmanbat.
Howard Wolowitz: But wouldn't Manbatman just be a batman that was bitten by a radioactive man?
Howard Wolowitz: But Batman is a man. You're talking about a man who would have the powers of a man. That's just Manman.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, isn't Manman just Man?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, what if Manman dressed as a bat?
Raj Koothrappali: Well, that's just Batman.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, if a man dresses as a bat, that's Batman, but if Manman dresses as a bat that's Batmanman.
Howard Wolowitz: So, does that answer your question?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I haven't asked it yet.

Raj Koothrappali: That's Claire; gotta run.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thought you were back with Emily.
Raj Koothrappali: Uh, actually, I'm seeing both of them.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean like through their window from behind a bush?

Penny Hofstadter: Uh-oh, somebody's still pouting.
Leonard Hofstadter: Leave me alone.
Penny Hofstadter: If it's because you lost a stick, I know where it went.

Leonard Hofstadter: If Sheldon's testosterone dipped, he'd become a butterfly.

Penny Hofstadter: I don't always defend Sheldon.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yes, you do; you know you have a weird brother-sister Elliott-E.T. relationship with him.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: [knock-knock-knock] Leonard.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard.
[knock-knock-knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I never got to ask my question about Batman.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: If Batman were bitten by a radioactive manbat and then fought crime disguised as Manbat, would he be Manbatmanbatman or simply Manbatmanbatbatman?
Penny Hofstadter: Is he still wearing the Batman suit under the Manbat suit?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll be back.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Irish Pub Formulation (#4.6)" (2010)
Priya Koothrappali: Leonard, wake up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Huh? What? Uh, sorry.
Priya Koothrappali: For what?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. When I'm in bed with a girl, it's my go-to response.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Can I have a snow cone?
Sheldon Cooper: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: This is pretty good. What flavor is this?
Sheldon Cooper: Guess.
Leonard Hofstadter: Papaya?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Guava?
Sheldon Cooper: You're so close.
Leonard Hofstadter: I give up.
Sheldon Cooper: Mango caterpillar.
[Leonard does a spit take and throws the snow cone in the garbage]
Sheldon Cooper: What are you doing!
[Leonard storms out]
Sheldon Cooper: You said you liked it.

Sheldon Cooper: [Describing the fake alibi he has invented for Leonard] You met her at Pasadena's most popular Irish watering hole, Lucky Baldwin's, where Maggie spends her nights tending bar, with a head full of curls and heart full of dreams.
[Hands Leonard a bar napkin]
Leonard Hofstadter: [Reading handwriting on napkin] "Leonard, call me if you're interested in *coitus.* Sincerely, Maggie Mcgarry."
Sheldon Cooper: And if anyone were to actually call that number, they will hear this.
[plays recording]
Female text-to-speech electronic voice: Top of the morning to you. You've reached Maggie McGarry. Leave a message at the wee little beep.

Howard Wolowitz: [learning Leonard slept with Raj's sister Priya] I would never do that. Unlike him, I respect you.
Leonard Hofstadter: [skeptically] Really. Was it out of respect that you didn't tell Raj about the time you dropped his iPhone in a urinal?
Raj Koothrappali: [in outrage/disgust] Dude, I put that thing on my face!

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, Raj, but the truth is I was with Priya last night.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't listen to him. He's still light-headed from all the Irish whiskey and pickled eggs in his system.
Raj Koothrappali: What were you doing with Priya?
Sheldon Cooper: [throwing it out there like it's no big deal] I believe they engaged in coitus.

Raj Koothrappali: You slept with my sister?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Howard Wolowitz: How could you? We had a pact!
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me, I think "How could you? She's my sister" takes precedence over a five year old pinkie swear.

Leonard Hofstadter: I admit it, I... I may have crossed a line here, but come on, Raj, your sister is a grown woman. And to her, I'm a forbidden piece of white chocolate.
Raj Koothrappali: [standing up to leave] I don't believe it. This is a terrible betrayal of my trust.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no. Would it... would it help if I told you that I offered her my heart and she kind of stomped on it?
Raj Koothrappali: How hard did she stomp?
Leonard Hofstadter: Very hard.
Raj Koothrappali: [sitting down] Okay, I'm good.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bon Voyage Reaction (#6.24)" (2013)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, listen, Do you remember when I said the similarities of the equations of General Relativity and Hydrodynamics suggest you could find the equivalent of Unruh radiation in a large body of water?
Penny: I thought I said that to you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that, and I've been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow! Hawking, good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it is. Just, you know, I'd be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long?
Leonard Hofstadter: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard Hofstadter: Couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking'll just roll overboard?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. And... I'm a little worried, because things between us have been *so* great, and I'd hate to do anything that screws that up.
Penny: Well, sweetie, if you're going to screw things up it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Penny: Well, here we are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yep. Really going to miss you.
Penny: Going to miss you too.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny, we're in the red zone. The white zone is for loading and unloading. We're breaking the law.
Penny: Yeah, there's no space in the white zone, so...
Leonard Hofstadter: Anyway. We can email and I, I think the phone connections are pretty good.
Sheldon Cooper: [quickly] All right, you have to get out of the car right now. I'm not going to jail for you.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you just relax?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I see a space in the white zone. Quick, circle the airport!
Penny: Did you bring enough inhalers?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: And extra Dramamine? You remember what happened on "It's a Small World."
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm covered.
Penny: OK.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear Lord, a police officer's glancing in our direction. We've been made.
Leonard Hofstadter: Calm down, I'm getting out. Something I want to give you.
Penny: Oh, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: [very quickly] It's just a heart shaped locket with a picture of Leonard's face in it he got at the mall on clearance. Now move, move, move.
Penny: I love you.
Leonard Hofstadter: I love you too.
[They kiss and embrace]
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry officer. They just love each other. We're not smuggling drugs.

Leonard Hofstadter: Anyway, Stephen Hawking's team is looking into that and I've been invited to join them.
Penny: Wow Hawking, good for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Well it is. Just... you know I'd be gone for a while.
Penny: For how long.
Leonard Hofstadter: Three - four months.
Penny: Whoa. When would you leave?
Leonard Hofstadter: A couple weeks.
Penny: Wow. OK. Well, I'll just come visit you.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's the thing. You can't. I'll be on a ship in the North Sea.
Penny: On a ship? Aren't they afraid Hawking will just roll overboard?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's not going to be there. He's just sending a team to research his theory.
Penny: Oh sure. Like when you send me to kill spiders in your bathtub. Well, OK. Four months.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm a little worried because things between us have been so great. And I'd hate to do anything to screw that up.
Penny: Oh, sweetie. If you're going to do anything to screw things up, it's going to be while you're here, not while you're away.

Leonard Hofstadter: Look, I appreciate your signature blend of concern for me and incredible selfishness. If I get the chance to do this, there is nothing you can say that's going to stop me.
Sheldon Cooper: Very well.
[long pause]
Sheldon Cooper: Things between you and Penny have never been better. I hope four months apart doesn't change anything.
[Leonard stops the car and stares at him]
Sheldon Cooper: I should have opened with that, huh?

Leonard Hofstadter: I do have to ask you one favor.
Penny: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon's nervous about me leaving; just keep an eye on him while I'm gone.
Penny: Mm, I don't know. Remember what happened when I took care of your goldfish?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, flush Sheldon down the toilet and get me a new one.

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: So anyway, last night on video-chat I spent like twenty minutes just staring into Lucy's eyes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds romantic.
Raj Koothrappali: It was until I realized the screen had frozen. Still one of my top three dates of all time.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are we ever going to hang out with this girl?
Raj Koothrappali: I'd love that, but she's not really comfortable around people.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, I used to be uncomfortable around people, but then I learned a trick; I pretend everyone I meet is a beloved character from Star Trek.
Leonard Hofstadter: How's that working for you?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, like a charm, Unnamed Crewman in a Red Shirt.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: So have you been on a boat before?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Did you mean the time we were stuck on the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangerine Factor (#1.17)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: Why are you learning Mandarin?
Sheldon: I suspect that the people at the Szechuan Palace are passing off orange chicken as tangerine chicken, and I intend to confront them.
Leonard Hofstadter: If I were you, I'd be more worried about what they're passing off as chicken.

Sheldon: What do I have to say to bring this discussion to a speedy conclusion?
Leonard Hofstadter: Tell me whether or not I should go out with Penny.
Sheldon: Schrodinger's cat.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow, that is brilliant!
Sheldon: You sound so surprised.

Leonard Hofstadter: Before we go, have you heard of Schrodinger's cat?
Penny: Oh, I have heard more than enough about Schrodinger's cat.

Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe I am her best gayfriend...

Leonard Hofstadter: I don't think I can go out with her tonight.
Sheldon: Then, don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Other people would say "Why not?"
Sheldon: Other people might be interested.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm gonna talk anyway.
Sheldon: I assumed you would.

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, well, you know, this isn't that bad. It just paints the picture of a very affectionate woman who's open to expressing her affection in non-traditional locales.
Penny: Oh God!
Leonard Hofstadter: Elevators, parks, movie theatres, out of curiosity, is this subway the transportation system or subway the sandwich shop?
Penny: Sandwich shop.

Penny: I swear to God, I am done with guys like that. You know, macho, with the perfect body and the hair, and the money.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, that must get old quick.
Penny: You know, just once, I would like to go out with someone who is nice, and honest, and who actually cares about me.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about me?
Penny: What about you what?
Leonard Hofstadter: What about if you went out with me?
Penny: Are you asking me out?
Leonard Hofstadter: Um... yes... I am... asking you out.
Penny: Wow.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was just going off your comment about the nice guy...
Penny: No, I know, I got that. Yeah, totally.
Leonard Hofstadter: ...thing and honest but, it's no big deal...
Penny: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes what?
Penny: Yes, I will go out with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Yeah. Why not, I mean, what do I have to lose?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. That's the spirit


"The Big Bang Theory: The Spoiler Alert Segmentation (#6.15)" (2013)
Leonard Hofstadter: I swear that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I've ever met!
Penny: Yeah but you two make such a cute couple... Like Bert and Ernie... You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers!

Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Bert and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about *words* and *numbers*.

Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, that man is the most egotistical, insufferable human being I have ever met.
Penny: Yeah, but you two make such a cute couple. Like Burt and Ernie. You guys even teach me stuff about words and numbers.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I've had it. I am done. I can't, I can't live with him for one more minute.
Penny: Wow. Where are you going to go?
Leonard Hofstadter: I was thinking here with you.
Penny: [Looks shocked] Oh.
Leonard Hofstadter: That a problem?
Penny: No, not at all. No, it's, it's great. It's terrific. I, you know, I just can't help feel bad about Sheldon. I mean, how's he going to get by without you? Ernie.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know why I avoided the Harry Potter books for so long; these are great. Just started number six.
Sheldon Cooper: That's a good one. Dumbledore dies in that one.
[Leonard stares at him, dumbfounded]
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, I know; I didn't see it coming either.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you say that?
Sheldon Cooper: You brought up the subject; I contributed an interesting fact on that subject. It's called the art of conversation. 'Kay, your turn.
Leonard Hofstadter: That was a huge spoiler.
[throws the book aside]
Sheldon Cooper: Good.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is wrong with you? If I did that you'd bitch about it for weeks.
Sheldon Cooper: Really, Leonard, are you going to have another one of your hissy fits?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hissy fit? *I* have hissy fits?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and I have a theory why. Because of your lactose intolerance, you switched over to soy milk. Soy contains estrogen-mimicking compounds. I think your morning Cocoa Puffs are turning you into a hysterical woman.
Leonard Hofstadter: You are unbelievable! I don't know why I put up with you. You know, you're controlling, you're irritating...
Sheldon Cooper: There you go again! Nag, nag, nag! You're only proving my point, little lady.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? Screw you, Sheldon! You are the most annoying person I ever met.
Sheldon Cooper: Wha- I'm annoying? You criticize my behavior all the time. "Sheldon, don't talk about your bowel movements over breakfast." "Sheldon, when the president of the university is giving a eulogy at a funeral, don't yawn and point at your watch." "Sheldon, don't throw away my shirts cause you think they're ugly." You're impossible.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's it. I don't. I don't have to put up with this.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, I have your signature on a roommate agreement that says you do.
Leonard Hofstadter: Aaaw, here's what I think of your roommate agreement!
[he throws it in the waste-paper basket]
Sheldon Cooper: [Sheldon gasps] You pick that up right now.
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: You- Roommate agreement, section twenty-seven, paragraph five: "The roommate agreement, like the American flag, cannot touch the ground."
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't care. I don't have to do anything you say because... I don't think I want to live here any more.
Sheldon Cooper: Where are you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: To live with Penny, and not you, you crazy bastard.

Leonard Hofstadter: Since when don't you want to live with me?
Penny: Oh, don't get all huffy. You're the one who decided to move in without even asking me if I was ready.
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's talk about that.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, you're too late. And spoiler alert, I'm about to slam this door on your face.

Leonard Hofstadter: He's got Amy now.
Penny: Yeah, he does, but... it's not the same.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Penny: Um... well, um... all right, you... you remember in "Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince" Ron didn't abandon Harry just because Harry started dating Ron's sister?
Leonard Hofstadter: [exasperated by another spoiler] Harry and Ginny get together?
Penny: Sorry. Spoiler alert!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Herb Garden Germination (#4.20)" (2011)
Sheldon: I've been thinking about Dr.Green's efforts to make science palatable for the masses.
Leonard: Yeah? What about it?
Sheldon: That's all. I've just been thinking about it. Now I'm thinking about fractal equations. Now I'm thinking about the origin of the phrase "train of thought." Now I'm thinking about trains.
Raj Koothrappali: Are you listening to this guy?
Howard Wolowitz: Hmm? Oh, I'm sorry, I was somewhere else.
Leonard: Lucky bastard!
Sheldon: Now I'm thinking about Jell-o.

[Leonard walks into the apartment with takeout]
Leonard: Hope you're hungry.
Sheldon: Interesting. A friendly sentiment in this country... cruel taunt in the Sudan. It's a lesson in context.

Priya Koothrappali: [about Raj] I found poems he wrote about her. Very disturbing. "Oh Bernadette, please play my clarinet."
Leonard: Oh. That's hard to believe.
Priya Koothrappali: Yes. And for years everyone in my family was convinced he was the... clarinet enthusiast.

Priya Koothrappali: By the way, a fellow at work said I could use his Dodger tickets this weekend. Does that sound like fun?
Leonard: Well, yeah! Dodgers are baseball, right?
Priya Koothrappali: You need to explain the game to me.
Leonard: Mmm, it's complicated, but as I remember it the essentials are get chosen last, get hit by the ball, cry, go home.

[last lines]
Amy: [to Penny] Just stopped by to let you know I'm getting orthotics. Also I'm carrying Sheldon's baby. Mum's the word.
[Amy, walking down the stairs, meets Leonard, who is coming up looking at his cell phone]
Leonard: You're *pregnant*?
Amy: Wow. Is there anything on there about orthotics?

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, everybody, I got something I want to ask Bernadette, and I can't think of a better time than when I'm with all my friends.
Leonard: Oh, hold on, Howard. There's lots of better times.
Raj Koothrappali: Leonard, please. The man is talking. Let him get it out, and let the chips fall where they may.
Howard Wolowitz: Thank you. Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, God. What's happening?
Howard Wolowitz: I know things haven't been perfect with us, and we've had our problems, but I just have to tell you, from the moment I...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard, let me just stop you right here.
Raj Koothrappali: This is it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, what?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Yes, I will marry you.
Howard Wolowitz: You will?
Raj Koothrappali: You will?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I will. I will!
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I love you so much.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, I love you, too.
Leonard: Congratulations!
Priya Koothrappali: Oh, it's so exciting.

[Howard has announced his intention to propose to Bernadette, but Leonard and Sheldon heard that she was planning on breaking up with him]
Leonard: Poor guy. He's gonna be blindsided.
Raj Koothrappali: [grinning like an idiot] I know. It'll be awful!
Sheldon: Why are you smiling?
Leonard: [knowing Raj has a crush on Bernadette] Yeah, Raj, why?


"The Big Bang Theory: The White Asparagus Triangulation (#2.9)" (2008)
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard
[whilst knocking]
Leonard Hofstadter: What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon? What, Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Tell me what you see here?
[showing Leonard the laptop]
Leonard Hofstadter: The blunt instrument that will be the focus of my murder trial?

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, I'm going to make this very simple for you. *You* are not in this relationship. *I* am. Ergo, you have *noooo* say in anything that happens between me and Stephanie!
Sheldon Cooper: I'm afraid I can't allow that. Pursuant to Starfleet General Order 104, Section A, you are deemed unfit, and I hereby relieve you of your command.
Leonard Hofstadter: Starfleet General Order 104, Section A does not apply in this situation.
Sheldon Cooper: Give me one good reason why not.
Leonard Hofstadter: Because this is not Star Trek!

Sheldon: If you fail at this relationship, and history suggests you will, then we risk losing the medical officer that our landing party has always needed!
Leonard: What landing party?
Sheldon: You're Kirk, I'm Spock, Wolowitz is Scotty, Koothrappali is the guy who always gets killed... and now we've got McCoy!

Sheldon: I'm sorry I'm late, but your companion left the most indecipherable invitation.
Leonard: What invitation?
Sheldon: [reads note] "We're going to the movies." What movie? What theater? What time? If you were trying to make it impossible to locate you, you couldn't have done a better job.
Leonard: Oh clearly, I could have.

Penny: Leonard, congratulations.
Leonard Hofstadter: What for?
Penny: Your Facebook status update. Leonard Hofstadter is in a relationship.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? No... No, that's not right.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, man, did you switch your status before she did? Speaking as an expert: way to look needy.
Penny: Seriously? You went first, after only two weeks? That's bold.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not bold, it's a mistake. I didn't change my status.
Penny: Well, then who did?
[Everybody looks at Sheldon]
Sheldon Cooper: I had no choice; he cried in front of her.
Leonard Hofstadter: You hacked my Facebook account?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's hardly hacking when you use the same password for everything, "Kal-El".

Leonard Hofstadter: [yelling] Are you insane! Now she's going to think I'm desperate. You've destroyed this relationship, and, you want to know the worst part is, you don't even understand what you did wrong because you can't conceive of something that you are not an expert in.
Sheldon Cooper: In which I am not...
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't even!

Sheldon Cooper: Wait here. I'll find us seats.
Stephanie: Oh, no, we have seats.
Leonard Hofstadter: [wearily] Not the right seats.
Sheldon Cooper: [loudly] Ha. Ha. Ha.
Stephanie: What is he doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: [unenthused] He's finding the acoustic sweet spot.
Sheldon Cooper: [having changed seats] Ha.
Stephanie: Does he always do this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sometimes he brings a toy xylophone.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Barbarian Sublimation (#2.3)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: [watching fluid bounce on a stereo speaker] Hey, check it out. It's just cornstarch and water.
Sheldon Cooper: They make up a non-Newtonian fluid which is liquid, but it's solid under the percussive action of the speaker.
Howard Wolowitz: That's what makes it get all funky.

Raj Koothrappali: It's like some kind of weird comic book crossover.
Howard Wolowitz: Like if Hulk were dating Peppermint Patty.
Raj Koothrappali: I always thought Peppermint Patty was a lesbian.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, that's Marcie. Peppermint Patty is just athletic.

Leonard Hofstadter: You want to catch me up?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, let's see. Uh, she attempted to open her apartment with her car key because her face is overly Midwestern. Uh, she hasn't had sex in six months. And she ate a fly.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh. Seriously? Six months?

Sheldon Cooper: If you don't figure something out, I warn you I shall become very difficult to live with.
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean up until now we've been experiencing the happy fun-time Sheldon?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll go talk to her.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know there are groceries outside of your apartment?
Penny: Yeah, yeah, yeah. Shh.
Leonard Hofstadter: I only bring it up because your ice cream's melting and it's starting to attract wildlife.

Sheldon Cooper: [Leonard comes walking out of his bedroom and hears this conversation coming from inside Sheldon's bedroom] Please, Penny, enough. I have to sleep.
Penny: Ok, well, you were great. Thanks.
[Penny comes walking out of Sheldon's room quietly before spotting Leonard standing there]
Penny: Oh. Hey, Leonard, don't go in Sheldon's room, he's not wearing bottoms.
[she walks away]
Leonard Hofstadter: [knocks on Sheldon's door] Sheldon, you want to catch me up again?

Penny: Uh, Queen Penelope AFK. What?
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, um, here's the thing, um, sometimes people, good people, you know, they start playing these games and they find themselves through no fault of their own, you know, kind of, addicted.
Penny: Yeah, get to the point, I'm about to level up here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, i-i-i-it's just if a person doesn't have a sense of achievement in their real life it's easy to lose themselves in a virtual world where they get a false sense of accomplishment.
Penny: Yeah, jabber jabber jabber, okay boys, Queen Penelope's back online.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, you've got cheetos in your hair.
Penny: Oh, thanks.
[Eats it]


"The Big Bang Theory: The Benefactor Factor (#4.15)" (2011)
Penny: [to Leonard] Good morning, slut!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Oh please, I recognize the walk of shame when I see it. All you're missing is a little smeared mascara and a purse with panties wadded up in it.

[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: Here's what I wonder about zombies:
[the others groan]
Raj Koothrappali: What happens if they can't get any human flesh to eat? They can't starve to death, they're already dead.
Howard Wolowitz: You take this one. I spent an hour last night on "How do vampires shave when they can't see themselves in the mirror?"
Sheldon Cooper: Well-groomed vampires meet in pairs and shave each other. Case closed.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, okay. So, zombies.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, I guess it depends on the zombies, Raj. Are we talking slow zombies, fast zombies? Like in '28 Days', if those zombies didn't eat the starved.
Howard Wolowitz: Yes, you're thinking of '28 Days Later'. '28 Days' is where Sandra Bullock goes to rehab and puts the audience into an undead state.

Leonard Hofstadter: She wants to have dinner and talk about my research.
Sheldon Cooper: An entire dinner to talk about your research? Where are you going, the drive-thru at Jack In the Box?

Leonard Hofstadter: Mrs. Latham said she was seriously considering donating money so we could get a cryogenic centrifugal pump...
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, wow!
Howard Wolowitz: Yess!
Leonard Hofstadter: Then she stuck her tongue down my throat.
Sheldon Cooper: Why?
Penny: Okay, we can't keep explaining everything. Read that book we got you.

Leonard Hofstadter: She hit on me.
Howard Wolowitz: Wait, wait, are you telling us that old lady wanted to have sex with you in exchange for giving your department millions of dollars?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think so.
Howard Wolowitz: You lucky duck.
Penny: You're really a broken toy, aren't you?

Sheldon Cooper: I'm so proud of you! You sold yourself out like a common streetwalker!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I didn't do it for the money.
Sheldon Cooper: She stiffed you?
Penny: I believe that's what your roommate did to *her*.
Sheldon Cooper: What?
Penny: Again, read the book we gave you!

[last lines]
President Siebert: Ah, there he is, the man of the hour! He took one for the team!
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't do it for the money.
President Siebert: Keep telling yourself that; it makes it easier. Trust me, I know.
Raj Koothrappali: Cool, buddy. That's awesome.
Howard Wolowitz: How was she?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Apology Insufficiency (#4.7)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm an experimental physicist. You know, one of those guys who examines the building blocks of creation and says, "Hello, Maker of the Universe. I see what you did there. Good one."

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: No, seriously, I think I've finally figured out my problem with women.
Sheldon Cooper: The capybara is the largest member of the rodent family.
Leonard Hofstadter: What does that have to with me and women?
Sheldon Cooper: Nothing. It was a desperate attempt to introduce an alternate topic of conversation.

Raj Koothrappali: Whoa, whoa, whoa, I don't want to speak to the FBI!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Raj Koothrappali: I'm brown and I talk funny.
Howard Wolowitz: They're just doing a background check on me.
Raj Koothrappali: It doesn't matter. They'll find a reason to give me a one-way ticket back to Gandhi-ville. By the way, when I say that, it's not offensive.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't be ridiculous, Raj. You're here legally.
Raj Koothrappali: Nobody cares. Do you know how long it's been since I got through airport security without being given a colonoscopy?

Sheldon: You know, I try very hard to make our lunch hours educational and informative, bur your insistence on talking about you own lives stymies me at every turn.
Leonard: Fine, Sheldon, tell us about your giant rodent.
Sheldon: No, you squandered your time with me, and the moment has now passed. Feast on your disappointment, much as the capybara feasts on its own waste.

Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing up?
Sheldon Cooper: Sleep eludes me, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Maybe sleep has met you before.

[last lines]
Howard Wolowitz: I gotta tell you, Sheldon, I understand why you chose this spot. I mean: the temperature is good but there's no draft, I can see the television but I can still talk th...
Sheldon Cooper: I changed my mind; get out of my spot!
Penny: How long?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ninety-four seconds.

[there's a knock at the apartment door]
Leonard Hofstadter: Want to get that?
Sheldon Cooper: Not particularly.
Leonard Hofstadter: Could you get that?
Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I *could* if I were asked.
Leonard Hofstadter: Would you please get that!
Sheldon Cooper: Of course. Why do you have to make things so complicated?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Occupation Recalibration (#7.13)" (2014)
Penny: Hi.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Penny: I'm sorry I didn't text you back. I just needed some time to think.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay.
Penny: Come in.
Leonard Hofstadter: Look if you want to break up, just say it.
Penny: Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no. I take it back. Don't say it. Just hate me but stay with me. It worked for my parents.
Penny: Listen. I don't want to break up with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, okay. Good... good. So is it cool if I cry a little?
Penny: Yeah, I probably wouldn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: Look you did the right thing last night. I was a mess. I was frustrated because my career was going nowhere.
Leonard Hofstadter: I get it. I want you to know that I support you whatever you want to do.
Penny: at, because I've been thinking that if I ever want this acting thing to work I need to focus all my energy on it. And to do that I should quit waitressing at The Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard Hofstadter: That... that's a big step.
Penny: I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, before making any rash...
Penny: I already quit.
Leonard Hofstadter: And I support you.
[Penny hugs Leonard]

Sheldon Cooper: What if there is a big breakthrough in science today and I'm not here to see it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think there is going to be a breakthrough without you there to do it?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I was just tricking you.

Leonard Hofstadter: You taking Hollywood by storm?
Penny: Actually I'm at the Cheesecake Factory.
Leonard Hofstadter: You got your job back. That is great news. I didn't want to say anything but you are making the right choice. To plunge yourself into debt now would be literally insane.
Penny: Yeah, I'm just returning my uniform.
Leonard Hofstadter: And I support you.

Leonard Hofstadter: How did she get you to do yoga?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, to be honest, I thought she said Yoda.

Leonard Hofstadter: I thought we were in the kind of relationship where we make decisions together. If I'm wrong, maybe we should talk about the kind of relationship we are in.
Penny: Yeah, well, maybe we do.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm willing if you guys are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can we please have some privacy?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I'm as much a part of this relationship as you two. I think that it is high time that we put all our cards on the table. For example, where is this going? Are you two ever getting married? And if so, where will we all live? Have you thought about that?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny?
Penny: Okay, wait. What are we doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: For some reason, we're planning a future where we both live with Sheldon forever.

Penny: Look, I know you think I am being reckless, and you might be right, but I need to take this shot
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, no kidding. Despite what it says on her resume she is no longer 22.
Leonard Hofstadter: I swear, I am on your side.
Penny: You keep saying you're on my side, but you don't act like it.
Sheldon Cooper: He does that to me too. Why do we put up with this?
Leonard Hofstadter: Listen. I could never do what you are doing, okay? I would be terrified.
Penny: Well, it's scary for me too.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm fine with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: My point is, just because I couldn't do it doesn't mean you shouldn't. And I'm proud of you.
Penny: Okay. Thank you.

Sheldon Cooper: It'll be okay.
[Pats Leonard on the back]
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you just put a kick me sign on my back?
Sheldon Cooper: No.
[Rips paper off Leonard's back]


"The Big Bang Theory: The Maternal Capacitance (#2.15)" (2009)
[Leonard's mother Beverly, a neuroscientist and psychoanalyst, is visiting]
Sheldon Cooper: Your mother is brilliant, analytical, insightful - and I'm betting she never hit you with a Bible because you wouldn't eat your Brussels sprouts.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you don't give your mother enough credit. She's warm, she's loving, she doesn't glue electrodes to your head to measure your brain waves while potty training.
Sheldon Cooper: You were lucky! When I was a kid, if I wanted an EEG, I had to attach my *own* electrodes.

Leonard Hofstadter: You want to talk about not getting love from a parent - you know what I used to do when I was little for some sensation of human contact?
Penny: Yeah, you grabbed your penis and wouldn't let go. Your mother told me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Course she did. Anyway, that's not what I was going to say. When I was ten years old, I built a hugging machine.
Penny: A hugging machine?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. I got a dressmaker's mannequin, I stuffed it with an electric blanket so it would be warm, and I built two radio-controlled arms that would hug me and pat my back.
Penny: Oh, that is so sad.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what the saddest part was?
Penny: What?
Leonard Hofstadter: My father used to borrow it.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why are you doing this?
Howard Wolowitz: You know the rules; you brought your mom to work, you must suffaaaaaaaah!

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, I had no idea your siblings were so much more successful than you.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, you're like the Jar-Jar Binks of the Hofstadter family.
Howard Wolowitz: [Imitating Jar-jar] Oh, meesa think yousa lookin' so-so sad.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, rather than mock me, my friends might realize that this is difficult and try to help me through it.
Raj Koothrappali: Nope, I think mocking you is more fun.
Howard Wolowitz: [imitating JarJar Binks] Next time, don't yousa bring momma to work, Okee-day?
[Raj and Howard laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: [Leonard's mother comes back] That was fast.
Beverly: Oh, the middle stall was occupied, I'll have to try again later.
Sheldon Cooper: It's totally understandable. In bladder voiding as in real estate, it's location, location, location.
Beverly: So where were we?
Leonard Hofstadter: [to his mother] Howard lives with his mother, and Raj can't speak to women unless he's drunk. Go!
Beverly: Well, that's fascinating. Selective mutism is quite rare. On the other hand, an adult Jewish male living with his mother is so common it borders on sociological cliché.
Howard Wolowitz: It's just temporary, I pay rent.
Leonard Hofstadter: He lives in the same room where his bassinet was.
Beverly: You know, both selective mutism and an inability to separate from one's mother can stem from a pathological fear of women. It might explain why the two of you have created an ersatz homosexual marriage to satisfy your need for intimacy.
Howard Wolowitz: Say what?
[Raj whispers in Howard's ear]
Howard Wolowitz: That's basically what I just said!
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Raj] You brought your husband to work, you know the rules.
[imitating JarJar Binks]
Leonard Hofstadter: Meesa thinkin' yousa lookin' pretty sad now too, betcha betcha.

Leonard Hofstadter: You can't let her get into your head.
Penny: My head? What about yours?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's too late for me. My head is her summer house.

Leonard Hofstadter: Here's your tea, Mother.
Beverly: Oolong?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Beverly: Loose, not bagged?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Beverly: Steeped, three minutes?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Beverly: Two percent milk?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Beverly: Warmed separately?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Beverly: One teaspoon of sugar?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Beverly: Raw sugar?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Beverly: [Beverly sips the tea] It's cold.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll start again.

Penny: [Leonard knocks on Penny's door] Hi.
Leonard Hofstadter: You got alcohol?
Penny: Your mom still here?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yup.
Penny: [holds out bottle] C'mon in.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Euclid Alternative (#2.5)" (2008)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Good morning, Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh.
Sheldon Cooper: We're going to have to stop by Pottery Barn on the way to work. I bought these Star Wars sheets, but they turned out to be much too stimulating to be compatible with a good night's sleep. I don't like the way Darth Vader stares at me.

Sheldon Cooper: But, how am I going to get to work?
Leonard Hofstadter: Take the bus.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't take the bus anymore. They don't have seat belts, and they won't let you lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords.
Leonard Hofstadter: You tried to lash yourself to the seat with bungee cords?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't try. I succeeded.

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny's taking you to the DMV; I'm going to bed.
Sheldon Cooper: Why Penny?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because rock breaks scissors. Good night.

Leonard Hofstadter: Didn't I tell you I'd be working nights and that you'd have to make other arrangements?
Sheldon Cooper: You did.
Leonard Hofstadter: And?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't.

Sheldon Cooper: [about a driving simulation] Now, are there airbags?
Leonard Hofstadter: You don't need airbags!
Sheldon Cooper: But what if a simulated van rear-ends me?
Penny: I'll hit you in the face with a pillow.

Leonard: You're a big boy, you'll figure it out.
Sheldon: Don't talk to me like I'm a child. Now take me to return my Star Wars sheets!

Leonard Hofstadter: [Sheldon's on a driving simulator and it's a disaster] How'd you manage to get on the second floor of the Glendale Galleria?
Sheldon Cooper: I don't know. I was on the Pasadena freeway and missed my exit, flew off the overpass, and one thing led to another.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe you wanna give it a rest and try again tomorrow.
Sheldon Cooper: No. I quit.
[gets off the simulator but forgets to turn it off]
Leonard Hofstadter: [sounds of a horrifying crash, then various animals] Oh, the pet store.
Sheldon Cooper: Remind me to compliment Wolowitz on the software, it's amazingly detailed.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Isotope (#2.20)" (2009)
Penny: [after entering a comic book store loudly] Everbody is staring at me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry. They're more scared of you than you are of them.
Penny: Unlikely.

Sheldon Cooper: Did you just shut the TV off in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode?
Leonard Hofstadter: Apparently so.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you ill?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Then is it fair to say that you're experiencing some sort of emotional turmoil over the events involving Penny earlier this evening?
Leonard Hofstadter: When did you pick up on that!
Sheldon Cooper: A moment ago when you turned off the TV in the middle of the classic Deep Space Nine-Star Trek: The Original Series-Trouble With Tribbles crossover episode.

[first lines]
[Sheldon moans]
Leonard Hofstadter: Problem?
Sheldon Cooper: This is Thai food.
Howard Wolowitz: Here we go.
Sheldon Cooper: We don't have Thai food on Thursday, we have pizza on Thursday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, but we all agreed that the third Thursday of every month would be anything-can-happen Thursday.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, apparently the news didn't reach my digestive system, which, when startled, has its own version of anything-can-happen Thursday.

Leonard Hofstadter: I just wannna know why Penny is more interested in Stuart than me. We're practically the same guy!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I disagree. Stuart is taller, artistic, self employed and most significantly, he gets 45% off comic books.

Leonard: Come on, Howard, the odds of us picking up girls in a bar are practically zero.
Howard Wolowitz: Really? Are you familiar with the Drake Equation?
Sheldon: The one that estimates the odds of making contact with extraterrestrials by calculating the product of an increasingly restrictive series of fractional values such as those stars with planets, and those planets likely to develop life? N equals R times FP times NE times FL times FI times FC times L?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, that one.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we agreed we'd do something different tonight.
Sheldon Cooper: All right. Let's go to the comic book store.
Rajesh Koothrappali: We went to the comic book store last night.
Sheldon Cooper: Last night was Wednesday; Wednesday *is* comic book night. Tonight we'll be going on Thursday because it's anything-can-happen Thursday.
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to think outside but pressed right up against the box, Sheldon.

Howard Wolowitz: I'm a falcon who hunts better solo.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. I'll sit here; you take flight and hunt.
Howard Wolowitz: Don't be ridiculous; you can't just tell a falcon when to hunt.
Leonard Hofstadter: Actually you *can*! There's a whole sport built around it. Falconry.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Table Polarization (#7.16)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: This spot that no one else can sit in only exists because despite your objections I bought this couch. Me. So explain why that change is bad and this change was good.
Sheldon Cooper: Um.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You don't need to explain yourself to him.
Sheldon Cooper: I don't need to explain myself to you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're sick of his nonsense and ready to move in with me.
Sheldon Cooper: Keep the table. We don't use that space.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Damn it, I got cocky.

Sheldon Cooper: Think of me as Arthur Dent In Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy lying in front of the bulldozers protecting his home.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you recall, the Vogon Fleet blew up the earth anyway.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a made up story, Leonard. I don't even know why you're talking about it.

Penny: Sheldon's not here.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well he is here.
[Points to his head]
Leonard Hofstadter: So unless you want to dig him out with a bone saw and a melon baller there's nothing I can do about it.

Penny: Hi. Sorry I'm late. I was at an audition.
Howard Wolowitz: Ahh.
Sheldon Cooper: You'll get 'em next time.
Penny: How about instead of assuming I failed, you ask me how it went?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry. How did it go?
Penny: Shut up.

Sheldon Cooper: OK. I think we found the problem here. It's not the table at all. It's you.
Penny: Me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well. It's always me. Take one for the team.
Sheldon Cooper: I have spent years turning this lump of clay into an acceptable conduit for my will and then you came along and reshaped him with your newfangled ideas and your fancy genitals.
Penny: Are you gonna let him talk to me like this?
Leonard Hofstadter: "Fancy" sounds like a compliment.
Penny: OK, I have not tried to change Leonard. That is just happens in relationships. Look how much Amy has changed you.
Sheldon Cooper: That's not true.
Penny: Oh sweetie. When I first met you were incapable of touching another human being. Now you're holding holds, going on dates, you even made out with her on a train.
Leonard Hofstadter: She told you?
Penny: Of courses she told me. It's the most interesting thing that happened to her entire life.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're too close to it, but Amy has had a huge impact on you.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. Without realizing I allowed that woman to alter my personality.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm. You didn't have a personality; you just had some shows you liked.
Sheldon Cooper: No. No, I've changed. Like the frog that's put in a pot of water that's heated so gradually he doesn't realize he's boiling to death.
Penny: Or you're the frog that's been kiss by the princess and turned into a prince.
Leonard Hofstadter: Or you're just a tall annoying frog.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me. I have to break up with my girlfriend.
Penny: Oh, Sheldon. Wait.
Sheldon Cooper: No. You've opened my eyes to the truth. Amy has made me a more affectionate open-minded person. And that stops now.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, we should call her.
Penny: Yeah. Amy. It's Penny. Hey. Just a little heads up. Leonard bought a dining room table. Yeah. Sheldon's breaking up with you.

Sheldon Cooper: Well. Is this really worth it? We've lived together for years with nary an argument.
Leonard Hofstadter: Huh?
Sheldon Cooper: But we start talking about a table and suddenly we're at each other's throats.
Leonard Hofstadter: Nary an argument"? "Nary"?
Sheldon Cooper: Well that means "not on" or "not any". Maybe instead of a table you should buy a dictionary. Well, I don't know if I won that, but at least he's upset.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon doesn't like reclaimed wood.
Penny: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: He's afraid the original owners will come looking for it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Spaghetti Catalyst (#3.20)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: What about you, Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, so now that you have no choice you want to hang out with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, we always hang out.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, please. You know I'm the one you call when no one else will. If we were the Justice League, I'd be Aquaman.
Howard Wolowitz: I wish you were Aquaman. Then you could retrieve my mother from the old lady tank.

Raj Koothrappali: Do you think she's really doing that, or is it Photoshopped?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't think Martha Stewart was ever naked with a bunch of fat Japanese guys.
Raj Koothrappali: You don't know that. Prison changes people.

Leonard Hofstadter: When you say "seeing Penny", what exactly does that mean?
Sheldon Cooper: We had dinner last night. She made spaghetti with little hot dogs cut up in the sauce. Well, little hot dog. I had to give the other five hot dogs to a real dog. A real big dog. A hellhound. Tangential to the main story. Let me backtrack.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why did you eat dinner with us?
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't want you guys to feel bad. Howard had informed me that my allegiance be to male comrades before women who sell their bodies for money.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you sure he didn't say bros before hos?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I changed the phrasing so as not to offend the hos.

Leonard Hofstadter: Whatever you do, don't let him near Goofy. He'll have nightmares and I'll be the one having to deal with it.
Penny: What's his problem with Goofy?
Leonard Hofstadter: You got me. He's fine with Pluto.

Penny: He's such an angel when he's asleep.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. Shame he has to wake up.
Penny: I think we can do it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Smother Sheldon in his sleep? Wouldn't that be wrong?
Penny: No, be friends. You and me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Sure. Absolutely.
Penny: Good. I'm glad.
Leonard Hofstadter: Here's an idea. I'm just throwing it out there, friends who have sex.
Penny: Good night, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good night.

Raj Koothrappali: Hey, Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah?
Raj Koothrappali: I haven't had sex in a year.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where are you going with this, Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Don't flatter yourself, dude.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Infestation Hypothesis (#5.2)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: Some people might say that it's great that we'rre trying to make things work long distance. They'd say things like "Love is stronger than the miles between you."
Sheldon Cooper: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.

Leonard Hofstadter: You videochat with Amy all the time. How is this different?
Sheldon Cooper: Don't you like Amy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Of course I like Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there's the difference.

Raj Koothrappali: Nice of you to let us use the university's new hydraulic thermoforming press.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. this baby set the university back 175 grand.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's three minutes. Let's see what we got.
[Open press]
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, yeah! That is one great panini.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, thank goodness I found you. I need you to check my head for chair lice.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not going to check you for lice again.
Howard Wolowitz: Just his head, right?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't want to talk about it.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, you do this all the time. You fixate on some crazy idea and then blow it way out of proportion.
Sheldon Cooper: Name one time I've ever done that.
Leonard Hofstadter: How about when you put GPS trackers in your garbage because you were convinced North Korean spies were stealing your doodles? The chicken nuggets you were sure were human nuggets. The strangely shaped cloud that was following you around town. The time you put on my shirt by mistake and were convinced you'd growing again.
Sheldon Cooper: I said name one. You really need to work on your listening skills.

Leonard Hofstadter: Some people might say it's good that Priya and I are trying to make things work long distance. They would say things like "Your love is stronger than the miles between you".
Sheldon: When I rise to power, those people will be sterilized.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Displacement (#7.7)" (2013)
Bill Nye: What are you working on?
Leonard Hofstadter: We're making vacuum tubes.
Bill Nye: That is very interesting.
Arthur Jeffries: Haven't you stolen enough from me? Back off, bow tie!

Arthur Jeffries: Can I ask you a question?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, sure.
Arthur Jeffries: Why do you put up with Sheldon?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, um, you know. Because we're friends.
Arthur Jeffries: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow. You ask really hard questions. Look, I know he can be aggravating, but you have to remember he's not doing it on purpose. It's just how he is. Oh, but he's also loyal, and trustworthy and we have fun together.
Arthur Jeffries: You know, you're describing a dog.
Leonard Hofstadter: He did bite me once. But in his defense I came up behind him while he was eating.
Arthur Jeffries: They hate that.
Leonard Hofstadter: You, know what. Sheldon is the smartest person I've ever met. He's a little broke and he needs me. I guess I need him too.
Arthur Jeffries: Why's that?
Leonard Hofstadter: You will not let this go.

Sheldon Cooper: Look at him. Just standing in line like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello.
Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe we shouldn't bother him.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to bother him. I'm going to talk to him.
Leonard Hofstadter: He thinks there's a difference.

Leonard Hofstadter: If you would have told me when I was a kid that someday I would have been doing science next to Professor Proton, I would not have believed you.
Arthur Jeffries: If someone had told me that people would still be call me Professor Proton when I was 83 years old, I never would have quit smoking.

[first lines]
[Sheldon is skipping through the store]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Never seen him this happy before.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's because you've never seen him on restock the medicine-cabinet day.
Sheldon Cooper: Look! a new topical antihistamine with lidocaine. Wow! I can't wait 'til I get a rash.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ohhhh, Gas-Ex has a new ultra-strength. Guess they really do read their mail.
Sheldon Cooper: Hey. Isn't that Professor Proton?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: Look at him! he's standing in line, like he wasn't moderately famous thirty years ago. Let's go say hello!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, maybe we, we shouldn't bother him.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not going to bother him; I'm going to talk to him.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Amy] He thinks there's a difference.

Arthur Jeffries: Wh- why do you put up with Sheldon?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, uh, you know, because we're friends.
Arthur Jeffries: [pause] Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow, you ask really hard questions.


"The Big Bang Theory: The 43 Peculiarity (#6.8)" (2012)
Penny: Hey. Shouldn't you be out with your gang spray painting equations on the side of buildings?
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, I'm sorry.
Penny: I just can't believe you don't trust me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I feel... Of course I do.
Penny: Then why did you embarrass me in front of my friend who, by the way, knew exactly who you were.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Penny: Your picture's on my refrigerator!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. You know, I'm really starting to not like this guy.
Penny: What is your problem? Do you use up all your thinking at work and then have none left over for when you get home?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. It's hard sometimes. Everywhere you go guys hit on you, even if I'm standing right there. And they are all taller than me. WHY IS EVERYONE ALWAYS TALLER THAN ME? You know what. This is all in my head. It's my problem, not yours.
Penny: Leonard. Why do you always do this? Listen to me. You are the one I'm with. You know I love you. So would you please relax because you are driving me crazy!
Leonard Hofstadter: You know that's the first time you said that you love me.
Penny: [stunned] Yea.
Leonard Hofstadter: We're supposed to pretend it's not a big deal?
Penny: That's... exactly what we're going to do because you're about to make me cry and we both know that if I start crying, you're going to start crying.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're right we should...
Penny: Fine!
[Runs down stairs]
Leonard Hofstadter: [Enters apartment] She loves me.

Alex Jensen: Oh hi, Dr. Hofstader.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, hey, Alex. And call me, Leonard. Dr. Hofstadter is my father. And my mother. And my sister. And our cat. Although I'm pretty sure that Dr. "Boots" Hofstader's degree is honorary.
Alex Jensen: May I join you, Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure. Um, let me ask you something. My girlfriend knows this guy at school. He's got an English accent.
Alex Jensen: Oo, I love English accents.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yea, you all do. Anyway, I feel like he's hitting on her. She says he's just being nice and I should trust her.
Alex Jensen: It's probably harmless. You now how it is. I'm sure you get hit on all the time.
Leonard Hofstadter: Right. Because girls are always like: Ooo, that guy owns two Star Trek uniforms and gets lots of ear infections. I gotta to get me some of that.
Alex Jensen: You know, I bet it happens more than you realize.
Leonard Hofstadter: Trust me. It doesn't.
Alex Jensen: You sure? You're cute. You're funny. Maybe you're getting hit on and you don't even know it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Alex Jensen: Yep, pretty sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: [laughs] I have to get back to work. Thanks for listening.
Alex Jensen: No problem.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hope no girls rip my clothes off along the way.

Leonard Hofstadter: It's not to go to the bathroom. He goes at 8:00 AM, with follow-ups at 1:45 and 7:10 on high-fiber Fridays.
Howard Wolowitz: It's sad that you know that.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's just the tip of the sadness iceberg.

[Opening lines]
Raj Koothrappali: What are you drawing over there?
Sheldon Cooper: A containment unit for a frisbee-sized wormhole that could serve as a portal to a parallel universe.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, you silly doodlebug.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, scientists believe that contact with other lifeforms would not be good for us.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a frisbee-sized wormhole, Leonard. I can just cover it with a frisbee. Here.
[Hands napkin to Howard]
Howard Wolowitz: You expect me to build this?
Sheldon Cooper: No, I expect you to wipe the pudding off your chin. Gentlemen?

Raj Koothrappali: This is so exciting! Like one of my classic murder mystery parties.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like the case of who murdered three Saturday nights from my life.
Howard Wolowitz: Colonel Koothrappali in the kitchen with the olive spread.
Raj Koothrappali: It was tapanade, and you guys suck.

Leonard Hofstadter: I'll be right back.
Sheldon Cooper: You're still here? I thought you were long gone.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Guitarist Amplification (#3.7)" (2009)
[first lines]
Penny: Wow, Sheldon, I can not believe you made up your own game.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, "Research Lab" is more than a game. Like the slogan says, "the physics is theoretical, but the fun is real."
Leonard Hofstadter: We must not be playing it right.

Penny: Hey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
[pause]
Leonard Hofstadter: We're, uh, going to the movies.
Sheldon Cooper: No, we're not. We're standing in the hallway, suffering through an awkward encounter.

Penny: Here, what's going on?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a little hard to explain. He does this thing where he pretends he's in an alternate dimension that occupies the same physical space we're in, but he can't perceive us.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't flatter yourself; I'm just ignoring you.

Penny: How 'bout we buy you this robot, and then we all go home.
Sheldon Cooper: I want that one.
Penny: Okay, you can have that one.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, come on! He's just going to play with it twice, and it'll end up in his closet with all the other junk.
Penny: Buy him the robot, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: Can I get this comic book too?
Penny: Yes, you can.

Penny: I hear you don't like my stuffed animals, my driving or my punctuality.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? Who would tell you something like that?
[immediately looking at Sheldon]
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you tell her something like that?

Leonard Hofstadter: Let me ask you something: do you think it's okay for Penny to have an ex-boyfriend sleep on her couch?
Howard Wolowitz: No, I mean she's obviously way out of line...
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: But if she dumps you, she'll have a new boyfriend by tomorrow morning, and you'll have a new girlfriend when you figure out how to build one.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Tangible Affection Proof (#6.16)" (2013)
[first lines]
Penny: You'll never believe what happened to me at work today.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mph?
Penny: This old guy was choking on a spoon and I saved his life.
[she makes a choking sound]
Leonard Hofstadter: You're kidding; did you Heimlich him?
Penny: No, I said "Oh, my God, I think that old guy's choking!" and one of the busboys Heimliched him.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're a hero!
Penny: Yeah, that *was* the point of the story.

Leonard Hofstadter: D'you know what? That was pretty crappy of you. I mean, all I wanted to do was give you a great night and it's like you, you went out of your way to destroy it.
Penny: Yep. I know. I'm a total bitch.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not saying that.
Penny: Well, I am.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, fine, you win; you're a bitch. Why couldn't we just have a nice time?
Penny: I don't know. Maybe 'cause things are going so well between us lately and I've been really happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK. You're going to have to make a lot more sense than that.
Penny: Obviously, I have some commitment issues.
Leonard Hofstadter: Glaringly obvious. Go on.
Penny: As long as things keep going great between us, you'll keep asking me to marry you and eventually I'm going to end saying yes then we're going to be married forever and the whole think just freaks me out.
Leonard Hofstadter: O.K. I know I propose a lot... so, how about this? I promise I will never ask you to marry me again.
Penny: What? What do you mean? Are you breaking up with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. No, no, no, no, no. But if someday you decide to you want to get married, you have to propose to me.
Penny: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. It's all on you. But I got to tell you when the time comes I want the whole nine yards; I want you down on one knee, flowers, I want to be swept off my feet.
Penny: Yeah, you got it.
Leonard Hofstadter: And I'm cool with surprises, but nothing on the Jumbotron. I don't want to cry on a big screen like that.
Penny: O.K. You know what, this might be the wine talking, but I have a very important question to ask you.
Leonard Hofstadter: You do?
Penny: Leonard Hofstader.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes?
Penny: Will you be my valentine?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, maybe next year.
[Leaves for the door, then turns around]
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just kidding. Romance ninja! Let's have sex! Whoo-yah!

Penny: It's just there's so much pressure to make the night special, and it never works out.
Leonard Hofstadter: 'Kay, well this time it's going to be different, because I am like a romance ninja. Hm. You don't see it coming, and then Bam! Romance! Watch out! Hearts! Kisses! Love! Boo-yah!
Penny: You know, sometimes I think I've made you so much cooler than you used to be, and then you go and do that.

Howard Wolowitz: I was trying to come up with something really romantic to give Bernadette for Valentine's Day, since she's been such a pain in the ass.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can't find a card that says that?
Howard Wolowitz: Check it out; I used the atomic force microscope in the materials science lab and wrote our initials in a heart one one-thousandth the size of a grain of sand.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh-hoho, that's cool.
Howard Wolowitz: A micro-valentine for a microbiologist.
Leonard Hofstadter: From her micro-husband.

Penny: It's just not fair, okay? They're bad people. It's not supposed to end happy for them, it's supposed to end happy for me.
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, it did end happy for you; you're here with me.
Penny: Yeah, yeah, I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Now this is getting a little hard to not take personally.
Penny: Oh, come on, don't make this about you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I'm not; it's about you.
Penny: Yeah, well, whatever, okay? I told you Valentine's Day sucks.
Leonard Hofstadter: This one does, and you're the reason why.

Leonard Hofstadter: [after Penny's ex-boyfriend proposes in the restaurant] Two can play this game.
[Gets down on one knee]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny...
Penny: Get up!
Leonard Hofstadter: All right.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Itchy Brain Simulation (#7.8)" (2013)
Penny: Smile.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is that, what is that for?
Penny: So you can send it to Princeton and get your money back.

Leonard Hofstadter: Why isn't this bothering you? Isn't your brain getting itchy? This is on your card. This could be ruining your credit score. Why isn't this making you crazy?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard. I have something to tell you, but I want you to promise not to flip out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, what?
Sheldon Cooper: Seven years ago I found out the DVD was late and I paid for it.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I was going to mention it at the time, but then I thought someday this might be a teachable moment.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ahhh! I... You... Ah... WHAT?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sheldon, that was diabolical.
Sheldon Cooper: I know. And it wasn't easy. Do you have any idea what it's like to wait for years and never know if your going to finally get satisfaction?
[Amy just stares]

Howard Wolowitz: [Leonard is scratching his itchy sweater] So you can never take it off?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Raj Koothrappali: Not even to sleep?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Howard Wolowitz: So you're just an idiot.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's called proving a point.
Howard Wolowitz: Is the point you're an idiot?

[first lines]
Penny: Hey, could I ask you a question?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
Leonard Hofstadter: You've had this dartboard since I've known you, but I've never seen you play.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh,uh, we played. Once. I broke a window.
Penny: What window?
Leonard Hofstadter: [pointing more than ninety degrees from the board] That one over there.

Leonard Hofstadter: I forgot about this; my aunt made if for me when I started college.
[holds up bright red sweater]
Penny: Awwww, did she hate you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? Because I got an ugly, itchy sweater and my brother got a car? No, I was her favorite.

Leonard Hofstadter: How about that! Sheldon's being reasonable.
Penny: Yeah, it's freaking me out; I'm going to go.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Friendship Turbulence (#7.17)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: Can we please talk about something other than my depressing love life.
Sheldon Cooper: How about Penny's depressing acting career?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey. I mean, it's been a little tough, but Penny's following her dreams and in my book that's not depressing.
Penny: Thank you.

Penny: Now that girl's gonna get discovers and become famous and go on Letterman and talk about her big break on some stupid monkey movie all because some dumb girl thought it was beneath her.
Leonard Hofstadter: At least you got mentioned on Letterman.

Leonard Hofstadter: Are we playing individuals or teams?
Raj Koothrappali: Teams are fun.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, in that case I'd like to be partnered with my good friend Howard.
Raj Koothrappali: But I'm always on Howard's team! We're best friends. The kind that finish each other's...
Howard Wolowitz: We don't really do that.
Raj Koothrappali: [Interrupting] ... do that! See?

Penny: This isn't your car.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know. I thought we'd take yours.
Penny: I don't understand.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's nothing fancy but it'll get you to auditions and at least for now you don't have to go back to waitressing.
Penny: I don't know what to say.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't say anything.
Penny: Oh my God!
Leonard Hofstadter: I mean you could say thank you. I did just buy you a car.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard
[Tap... tap... tap]
Sheldon Cooper: , Howard
[Tap... tap... tap]
Sheldon Cooper: , Howard
[Tap... tap... tap]
Sheldon Cooper: .
Sheldon Cooper: What now?
Leonard Hofstadter: I have to go to the bathroom.
Leonard Hofstadter: You just went to the bathroom.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't use it because it didn't seem safe. Despite all me emails the toilet didn't have a seat belt.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it still doesn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: I realize that, but safety concerns went out the window two apple juices ago.

Leonard Hofstadter: You sure you want to do this?
Penny: Yeah. Why wouldn't I want to get my old job back? It'll be fun to see everyone. I haven't talk to them since I said, "I quit! See you at the Oscars, bitches."


"The Big Bang Theory: The Grasshopper Experiment (#1.8)" (2007)
Leonard: Okay, now do you really need the Honorary Justice League of America membership card?
Sheldon: It's been in every wallet I've owned since I was five.
Leonard: Why?
Sheldon: It says, "Keep this on your person at all times". It's right here under Batman's signature.

Leonard: Well Penny, we'd love to help you, but Raj is going through some stuff right now, besides, he doesn't drink, so.
Leonard: [Raj whispers in Leonard's ear, Leonard responds] Really?
Leonard: [to Penny] Um, Raj is going through some stuff right now, and he'd like to take up drinking.

[last lines]
Leonard: [Sheldon is singing "L'Chaim" at Penny's bar] I can't believe it! What got into him?
Penny: Oh, maybe a couple of virgin Cuba Libres that turned out to be kinda slutty.
Leonard: You didn't.
Penny: Hey, you do your experiments, I do mine.

Raj Koothrappali: [Raj walks in Leonard and Sheldon's apartment holding his laptop open, with his parents on the screen via a webcam] Leonard, may I present, live from New Delhi, Doctor and Mrs Vyan Koothrappali.
Leonard: [waves cheerfully] Hi!
Dr. Koothrappali: Lift up the camera! I'm looking at his crotch!

Raj Koothrappali: [to Sheldon] If you do not stop hitting on my lady, you will feel the full extent of my wrath!
Leonard: I'm not hitting on her!
Lalita: And I am not your lady!
Wolowitz: And you have no wrath.

Penny: I need some guinea pigs.
Sheldon: O-kay, there's a lab animal supply company in Reseda you could try. But if your research is going to have human applications, may I suggest white mice instead; their brain chemistry is far closer to ours.
Penny: I swear to God, Sheldon, one day I'm going to get the hang of talking to you.
Leonard: His mom's been saying that for years.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Experiment (#3.10)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: Relax, it'll be fine. Sit down, you guys.
Leonard Hofstadter, Penny, Raj Koothrappali: [as Bernadette goes for Sheldon's spot] No!
Bernadette: What?
Penny: Oh, yeah. You can't sit there.
Bernadette: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette: He can't sit somewhere else?
[from across the room Sheldon turns, stares and raises an eyebrow a freakishly long way]
Penny: Oh, no, no. You see, in the winter that seat is close enough to the radiator so that he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer, it's directly in the path of the cross breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television on an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody, yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon Cooper: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

[first lines]
Penny: Hey, Leonard. Check this out.
[Throws a dumpling up in the air and catches it with her mouth]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, she's doing it again.
Leonard Hofstadter: I think it upsets Sheldon when you play with the food.
Sheldon Cooper: No, it upsets Sheldon when she willy-nilly takes it from the containers without regard for its equitable distribution.
[Turns to Raj]
Sheldon Cooper: This is essentially why you have famine in India.
[Raj shakes his head no at Penny]
Penny: [Mouth open so the dumpling is visible] You want me to put it back?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard...
Leonard Hofstadter: It upsets Sheldon when you play with the Sheldon.

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you interested in physics?
Bernadette: I find it fascinating. If I hadn't gone into microbiology, I probably would have gone into physics... or ice dancing.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Most people aren't that interested in what I do.
Penny: Ahem. Actually, that's not true, Leonard. In fact, recently I've been thinking that given the parameters of your experiment the transport of electrons through the aperture of the nano-fabricated metal rings is qualitatively no different than the experiment already conducted in the Netherlands.
[Leonard is astounded]
Penny: Their observed phase shift in the diffusing electrons inside the metal ring already conclusively demonstrated the electric analog of the Aharonov-Bohm quantum interference effect.
[Everyone is dumbfounded]
Penny: That's it; that's all I know. Oh, wait! Fig Newtons were named after a town in Massachusetts, not the scientist.

Penny: Oh, yeah, you can't sit there.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Why not?
Leonard Hofstadter: That's where Sheldon sits.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: He can't sit somewhere else?
Penny: Oh no, you see in the winter, that seat is close enough the the radiator so he's warm yet not so close that he sweats. In the summer it's directly in the path of a cross-breeze created by opening windows there and there. It faces the television at an angle that isn't direct so he can still talk to everybody yet not so wide that the picture looks distorted.
Sheldon: Perhaps there's hope for you after all.

Bernadette: [forgiving Wolowitz after an argument] Come here, Tushy Face.
Leonard Hofstadter: [as they kiss, he snickers and pulls out his phone] "Tushy Face". That is going on Twitter right now.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Proton Transmogrification (#7.22)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: What are you doing?
Leonard Hofstadter: Comforting you?
Sheldon Cooper: Your heart might be in the right place, but your head, chest and arms certainly aren't.

Leonard Hofstadter: I regret not saying yes when you asked me to marry you.
Penny: Well, that just wasn't the right time.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: And this is also not the right time to propose.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: I know that face; that's your propose face.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was not going to propose. It's already two to one.
Penny: What two to one?
Leonard Hofstadter: I proposed twice, you proposed once. It's two to one.
Penny: Oh my God. It's not a contest.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know what you're upset about. I'm the one who is losing.
Penny: Fine. Would you feel better if I proposed and you could turn me down again?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think I would.
Penny: OK, Leonard. Will you marry me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hm.
Penny: No, don't you dare. You reject me right now and tie things up.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's should a big decision I don't want to have any regrets.

Leonard Hofstadter: On the one hand if I say yes.
Penny: It isn't funny anymore. Just say no so we're done with this. Will you marry me or not?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ooo. Interesting. Did you propose to me again?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really, because I just hear "will you marry me?" That's two proposals in one day. Sounds like someone wants to spend of their life telling people how to spell the name "Hofstadter".
Penny: You know what? Fine. Do whatever you want.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, Penny, Don't get upset. Here. I love you, but no. I will not marry you.
Penny: Thank you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Now about that second proposal. On the one hand...

Howard Wolowitz: Some of the physical comedy of Jar-Jar is tough to watch.
Leonard Hofstadter: At least they toned him down in the second one.
Penny: Yeah, he is pretty stupid.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, we can say it. You can't.

Penny: [Trying to cry at Jeffries' funeral] No, I'm all dried up. You're a big crybaby, you start.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not a crybaby.
Penny: Really? Toy Story 3?
Leonard Hofstadter: The toys were all holding hands in a furnace!

Leonard Hofstadter: So, that was your first funeral. How was it?
Penny: I don't mean to complain, but it was a bit of a bummer.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, when I die you can rent a bounce house.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Dumpling Paradox (#1.7)" (2007)
Leonard: What's wrong?
Penny: Well, um, Christy and Howard are kind of hooking up in my bedroom.
Leonard: Are you sure?
Penny: Look, I grew up on a farm, OK? From what I heard, they're either having sex, or Howard's caught in a milking machine.

Leonard: Sheldon, think this through. You're going to ask Howard to choose between sex and Halo.
Sheldon: No, I'm going to ask him to choose between sex and Halo 3. As far as I know sex has not been upgraded to include high-def graphics and enhanced weapons systems.
Leonard: You're right, all sex has is nudity, orgasms and human contact.
Sheldon: My point.

Leonard: The only way we can play teams is if we cut Raj in half.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, sure. Cut the foreigner in half. There's a billion more where he came from.

Penny: Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Leonard: Great idea.
Sheldon: No. The wheel was a great idea. Relativity was a great idea. This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.
Penny: Why?
Sheldon: Why? Oh, Penny, Penny, Penny.
Penny: Oh, what, what, what?
Sheldon: This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve. There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate back story.
Penny: [explosion] Oh, cool! Whose head did I just blow off?
Sheldon: Mine.
Penny: Okay, I got this. Lock and load, boys!
Leonard: It's the only way we can play teams.
Sheldon: Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to
[explosion]
Sheldon: mention the fact that...
Penny: Ha Ha! There goes your head again.
Sheldon: Okay, that's not good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned. You need to give them a
[explosion]
Sheldon: chance... now, c'mon.
[minutes later]
Sheldon: Raj, Raj, she's got me cornered. Cover me.
Penny: Cover this suckers.
[laughs]
Leonard: Penny, you are on fire.
Penny: Yes, so is Sheldon.
[laughs]
Sheldon: Okay, that's it. I don't know how, but she is cheating. No-one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
[walks away]
Penny: Wait, wait. Sheldon. Come back, you forgot something.
Sheldon: What?
Penny: This plasma grenade.
[explosion]
Penny: [laughs] Look! It's raining you.
Sheldon: You laugh now. You just wait until you need tech support.

Leonard: Penny, if you promise not to chew the flesh off our bones while we sleep, you can stay.
Penny: Wh-what?
Sheldon: [glaring at Leonard] He's engaging in reductio ad absurdum.
Penny: [speechless]
Sheldon: It's the logical fallacy of extending someone's argument to ridiculous proportions and then criticizing the result. And I do not appreciate it.

Sheldon: You laugh now, you just wait until you need tech support.
Penny: Gosh. He's kind of a sore loser, isn't he?
Leonard: Well, to be fair, he's also a rather unpleasant winner.
Penny: Well, it's been fun.
Leonard: Penny, we make such a good team. Maybe we could enter a couple of "Halo" tournaments sometime.
Penny: Or we could just have a life.
Leonard: I guess for you, that's an option. Ha-ha. Ha.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Excelsior Acquisition (#3.16)" (2010)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Will you please turn your shirt off?
Raj Koothrappali: What? I'm giving myself dramatic entrance music. People will know I'm awesome and to be feared.
Howard Wolowitz: Right. There's nothing more awesome and frightening than a man who's got music blasting from between his nipples.

Penny: [calling Leonard on the phone] Sheldon's in jail.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon's in jail?
Raj Koothrappali: [to Howard] You called it.
Leonard Hofstadter: For what?
Penny: What do you think? For doing the same crap he always does, except to a judge.

Sheldon Cooper: I've decided I'm going to have Mr. Lee sign my copy of this month's Batman.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's crazy; Stan Lee had nothing to do with Batman.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Which is why no-one else will ask him to sign one, and I will be the possessor of a unique albeit confusing artifact which will set me apart from the hoi polloi of comic book fandom.
Raj Koothrappali: That's a great idea; I'm going to get him to sign a Batman as well.
Sheldon Cooper: What is it about the the word 'unique' you don't understand?

Leonard Hofstadter: I can't decide whether I want Stan Lee to autograph my "Journey into Mystery" 83, first appearance of Thor, or my "Fantastic Four" number 5, first appearance of Dr. Doom.
[Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Jeopardy!' "Think!" music]
Leonard Hofstadter: Alex, I'm gonna go with "What is... you're a dumbass?"

Leonard Hofstadter: It's not that big a deal. You just go down to the court on Thursday and you pay the fine.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not gonna pay a fine! That would imply I'm guilty!
Howard Wolowitz: You *are* guilty.
[Raj presses a button and his remote-controlled shirt plays the 'Law & Order' "thunk thunk" sound; Raj, Howard and Leonard snicker with laughter]
Howard Wolowitz: That one I liked.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, where you been?
Sheldon Cooper: I'll tell you where I've been. You boys may have had gelato with Stan Lee and gotten autographed comics, but I saw the inside of his house and got an autographed application for a restraining order.
Howard Wolowitz: [sarcastically] Sweet.
Sheldon Cooper: Plus, I get to hang out with him again... at the hearing. This is going to look great, hanging next to my restraining order from Leonard Nimoy.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Mommy Observation (#7.18)" (2014)
Raj Koothrappali: Sheldon is out of town so we can whatever we want. We even ordered from the Thai place he doesn't like.
Stuart Bloom: How is it?
Penny: Disgusting. Do not tell him.
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you guys want to do tonight?
Amy Farrah Fowler: I don't know.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I told Howie if I wasn't busy I'd spend the night at his Mom's. So for God sakes, think of something.

Leonard Hofstadter: Does the gazelle with a flair for storytelling know that he's just ripping off "Terminator".

Leonard Hofstadter: Come on guys, Raj put a lot of effort into this. And it's great... not sad. It's great.
Amy Farrah Fowler: It might be fun to be somebody else tonight.
Raj Koothrappali: Actually you're all just going to be yourselves.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Oh, uck.

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think we would drift apart if we really became successful?
Penny: Of course not. If I became a famous actress if I had to move you'd just come with me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I got a chance to be a tenured professor I might not have that much chose where I end up.
Penny: Yea, but if I become a successful actress we wouldn't need the money.

Raj Koothrappali: Penny and Leonard, you two love birds are super-successful and living in New York. You're an actress. You're a professor and you have three beautiful kids.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great.
Penny: You're really putting this body through three kids?

Stuart Bloom: I think you're the best couple I know.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah.
Penny: That's so sweet.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: What the hell?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Excuse me?
Penny: Let the dead man talk. Why do you say that?
Stuart Bloom: Well, I feel like you guys make each other better. Penny brought Leonard out of your shell. Seems like Leonard makes Penny think more deeply about the world. I don't know. Together you make one awesome person.
Penny: Ah, Stuart. Now I feel bad for murdering you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Cooper-Nowitzki Theorem (#2.6)" (2008)
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon lives in fear of the three tine fork.
Sheldon Cooper: Three tines is not a fork. Three tines is a trident. Forks are for eating, tridents are for ruling the seven seas.

Penny: I know this is none of my business, but I just... I have to ask - what's Sheldon's deal?
Leonard Hofstadter: What do you mean, "deal"?
Penny: You know, like, what's his deal? Is it girls...? Guys...? Sock puppets...?
Leonard Hofstadter: Honestly, we've been operating under the assumption that he has no deal.
Penny: Come on, everybody has a deal.
Howard Wolowitz: Not Sheldon. Over the years, we've formulated many theories about how he might reproduce. I'm an advocate of mitosis.
Penny: I'm sorry?
Howard Wolowitz: I believe one day Sheldon will eat an enormous amount of Thai food and split into two Sheldons.
Leonard Hofstadter: On the other hand, I think Sheldon might be the larval form of his species. Someday he'll spin a cocoon and emerge two months later with moth wings and an exoskeleton.
Penny: Okay, well, thanks for the nightmares.

Ramona Nowitzki: You're not going to Halo night.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, I am. It's Wednesday. Wednesday's Halo night.
Ramona Nowitzki: Didn't a great man once say science demands nothing less than the fervent and unconditional dedication of our entire lives?
Sheldon Cooper: He did.
Ramona Nowitzki: And who was that great man?
Sheldon Cooper: Me. Sorry, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? You're not coming?
Sheldon Cooper: You heard her. How can I argue with me?

Leonard Hofstadter: [addressing a class of graduate students] So, if any of you are considering in going into experimental physics, my door is always open. Once again, I'm sorry that the demonstration didn't quite work out. But, now we know what happens when you accidentally spill Peach Snapple into a helium-neon laser. The short answer is... don't. And now, to tell you about the theoretical physics department is Dr. Sheldon Cooper.
[students applaud]
Leonard Hofstadter: Dr. Cooper...
Sheldon Cooper: [In closet] Forget it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me.
[opening door to closet]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we both agreed to do this.
Sheldon Cooper: It's a waste of time. I might as well explain the laws of thermodynamics to a bunch of labradoodles.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you don't do this, I won't take you to the comic book store.
Sheldon Cooper: [Coming out] Hello. Nice work with the laser, by the way.

Penny: You probably don't want to go in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? What are they doing?
Penny: You know, the only way I could explain it would be in a therapist's office with dolls.

Rajesh Koothrappali: Isn't there a rule against dating grad students?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, you can talk to them, you can ask them out.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Damn, there's always a catch.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Prestidigitation Approximation (#4.18)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: Last night, me wanting to try that stuff out of the Kama Sutra... was that fun for you, or kind of racially insensitive?
Priya Koothrappali: Yeah, just because you're in bed with an Indian woman, you think that gives you permission to use crazy positions from an ancient Indian love manual?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, if you can find a book called "Weird Sex With White Boys", I'd be okay with that.

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny and I are just friends.
Priya Koothrappali: I don't care. This is a woman you have slept with. If you want her around, then I have to wonder if maybe you're not ready to move on.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no, I'm ready. I gave up the gift of sight for you! If that's not moving on, what is?

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you familiar with Darwin's observation of the finches in the Galapagos Islands?
Penny: Did they make a movie about it?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Penny: Then, no.

Leonard Hofstadter: What's up with the infrared cameras?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm measuring residual heat levels on the playing cards to determine which ones have been touched. By the way, if you hope to have children, I suggest you switch from briefs to boxers. Your testicles look a tad warm.

Leonard Hofstadter: How about we still hang out, but on the down low?
Penny: Are you really that kind of guy?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I actually felt kind of silly just saying "on the down low."

Penny: Oh, for god's sake, Leonard, this is about Priya, isn't it? She doesn't want me hanging out with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. There, I said it.
Penny: Okay, look, I happen to like your girlfriend.
Leonard Hofstadter: And she likes you.
Penny: No, she doesn't.
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really, no.
Penny: It doesn't matter. Look, I promise from now on I will keep my distance from you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now, hold on. What kind of distance are we talking about? Because we are neighbours. I mean, I can hear the toilet flush in your apartment.
Penny: You can hear my toilet flush?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't listen for it, but it's nice to know everything's okay with your plumbing. The building's plumbing.
Penny: Leonard, I get it. You're in a new relationship now. And I'm happy for you. So why don't we just shake hands and part friends?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, now hold on, how about this? How about we still hang out, but on the down-low?
Penny: Are you really that kind of guy?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I actually felt kinda silly just saying on the down-low.
Penny: [sadly] Goodbye Leonard.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Killer Robot Instability (#2.12)" (2009)
[Kripke challenges the guys to a robot duel]
Leonard Hofstadter: Barry, we can't fight you tomorrow. Our engineer is incapacitated.
Barry Kripke: What's wrong with him?
Rajesh Koothrappali: He's depressed because he's pathetic and creepy, and can't get girls.
Barry Kripke: We're ALL pathetic and cweepy, and can't get girws. That's why we fight wobots.

[the guys are about to test their robot on a toaster oven]
Sheldon Cooper: This is an auspicious moment. Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
Rajesh Koothrappali: How about "Die, toaster, die!"?
Leonard Hofstadter: That'll do it.

Howard Wolowitz: Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango. The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro. But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still...
[mimes sizzle]
Howard Wolowitz: ... hot.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm begging you, stop.
Penny: Normally, I can just ignore you. I get it. You're a little peculiar, like Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you are the one who is peculiar.
Penny: You may be right. But back to you. I know you think you're just some kind of smooth-talking ladies man, but the truth is you're just pathetic and creepy.
Howard Wolowitz: So, what are you saying?
Penny: I am saying that it is not a compliment to call me doable. It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say "Ooh, that must be jelly, 'cause jam don't shake like that." And we are not dancing a tango, we are not to-ing and fro-ing, othing's going to happen between us! Ever!
Howard Wolowitz: Wait a minute. We're not flirting, you're serious.
Penny: Flirting? You think I'm flirting with you? No woman is ever going to flirt with you! You're just going to grow old and die alone!

Leonard Hofstadter: Don't take this as a criticism, but you do kind of have that overexposed-to-gamma-rays thing going on?
Penny: What does that mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, like most of the time you're the easygoing Bruce Banner, but then when you get angry, you kind of turn into like, you know... Grrr!
Penny: I turn into a bear?
Leonard Hofstadter: Seriously? Gamma rays? Bruce Banner? You didnt get The Incredible Hulk from that?

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: All right, that's the last servo. Behold, the Mobile Omnidirectional Neutralization and Termination Eradicator, or
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Rajesh Koothrappali: Monte.
[pronounced monty]
Howard Wolowitz: Featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor-plate exo-skeleton top and bottom, and enough horsepower to drive a hundred-and-ten pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in four-point-eight seconds.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: So, what do you think, Howard? I-it's not that bad, right?
Howard Wolowitz: Ah, nah, a little electrical tape, some solder... Are you insane! I've seen space probes that crashed into the desert that were in better shape than this.
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. Monte's gone. We'll bury him in the morning. A-a simple ceremony, I'll speak. Leonard, you'll play your cello.
Penny: Sheldon, honey, aren't you getting a little carried away? I mean, it's just a toy robot.
Sheldon Cooper: Just a toy robot...
[he runs to his room]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: I know; I got it.
[she goes to Sheldon's room]
Penny: Sheldon! I'm sorry!
Howard Wolowitz: Well,
[pointing to his bandaged nose]
Howard Wolowitz: don't get the wrong idea. The way I see it I'm halfway to pity sex.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Troll Manifestation (#8.14)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: When you talk like that, it makes me want to take you on this table right now.
Penny: And we both know from past experience that this table won't support both our weights.

Sheldon Cooper: I've never thought I'd ever get the chance to give you this. Good job.
[Puts a sticker on Leonard's shirt]
Leonard Hofstadter: You're giving me a sticker?
Sheldon Cooper: Not just a sticker. It has a kitten that says "Me-wow!"
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not a kindergardner.
Sheldon Cooper: All right, I'll take it back.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, I earned this, back off!

Leonard Hofstadter: You worked out all the math?
Sheldon Cooper: I did more than work out the math. I wrote a paper.
Leonard Hofstadter: You wrote a paper on my idea?
Sheldon Cooper: I wrote a paper on our idea.
Leonard Hofstadter: Since when is it our idea?
Sheldon Cooper: Since I added some Sheldony goodness and baked it in the E-Z Bake Oven of my mind.

Sheldon Cooper: Can I respond now?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do it.
Sheldon Cooper: You mess with the bull, you get the horns. I'm going to show this man just how horny I can be.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Takes away phone] Okay, someone else do it.

Raj Koothrappali: I hate how mean everyone is on the internet.
Howard Wolowitz: The anonimity makes people feel they can say things they'd never say to someone's face.
Sheldon Cooper: That's funny. I never have any trouble saying what I think to someone's face.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? I never noticed that about you.

Stephen Hawking: Hello there.
Sheldon Cooper: Mr. Hawking?
Stephen Hawking: Oh, brother. You should see the looks on your faces.
Sheldon Cooper: You really didn't like our paper?
Stephen Hawking: I liked your paper. The premise is intriguing.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then why did you write those comments?
Stephen Hawking: When you're stuck on a chair for forty years, you'd get bored too.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Zarnecki Incursion (#4.19)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: [Sheldon is holding a Klingon Bat'leth] Why did you bring that?
Sheldon Cooper: No weapon strikes more fear into a man's heart than a Klingon bat'leth.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, let's get clear on something. We're just gonna tell this guy to transfer all of your stuff back into your account and then be on our way. No one's "batlething" anybody.
Sheldon Cooper: So my blade shall not taste blood tonight?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, now I just feel silly holding it.

Leonard Hofstadter: You called the police because somebody hacked your World of Warcraft account?
Sheldon Cooper: What choice did I have? The mighty Sheldor, level 85 blood elf, hero of the Eastern Kingdoms, has been picked clean like a carcass in the desert sun! Plus, the FBI hung up on me!

Officer Shin: Mr. Cooper, there's nothing...
Sheldon Cooper: Dr. Cooper!
Officer Shin: Seriously?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not the kind with access to drugs.

Sheldon Cooper: It is time to cry havoc and let slip the dogs of war!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm on it.
[pulls out cell phone and dials]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hi, Mrs. Wolowitz, is Howard there? Okay, thanks.
[hangs up]
Leonard Hofstadter: That particular dog of war will have to call you back after his bath.

Sheldon Cooper: Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Aw jeez, I don't know if I can ditch Priya two nights in a row.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh come on man, bros before... my sister.

Priya Koothrappali: Leonard, you're busy; let's talk tomorrow.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, wait. Hang on; are you upset?
Priya Koothrappali: No, no, I think it's sexy to date a boy trapped in a man's body.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good, good, I'll tell you what happened.
[Priya leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: [to Howard] People think *I* don't get sarcasm.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Tenure Turbulence (#6.20)" (2013)
Raj Koothrappali: Unbelievable! You have some nerve showing up here just to schmooze with the tenure committee.
Sheldon Cooper: You're here.
Raj Koothrappali: Excuse me. I'm here to pay my respects to Professor Tupperware or whatever his name is.
Sheldon Cooper: So am I. His passing makes me feel bad.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, well, well, Sheldon, fancy meeting you here. I guess the train store in Glendale wasn't having a cotillion after all.
[to Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: And you. You said you weren't coming here either.
Raj Koothrappali: I have a thick accent. You don't know what I said.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I'd like to know why Penny's here.
Penny: I'm here to support my man, just like you.
Sheldon Cooper: What are you going to do? Take people's drink orders and get them wrong?
Leonard Hofstadter: Do it!
[Penny slips off her coat and is wearing a short black dress with prominently displayed breasts. Raj stares at her]
Sheldon Cooper: What? Did she do it yet?
Amy Farrah Fowler: She plans on flirting with members of the tenure committee to further Leonard's cause.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, that's a fine how do you do. Don't just stand there, take your breasts out.
Howard Wolowitz: Ooooohh, meerkat fight.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're all wasting your time. Sheldon is the most qualified for the job, and no amount of gravity defying bosom's going to change that. Seriously, is that tape? Like how are they staying up like that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to hit 'em with both barrels.
Raj Koothrappali: You two should be ashamed of yourselves. Using women to advance your cause with sexuality and whatever Amy plans on doing.

Penny: So, who do you have to schmooze to get this deal?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not going to schmooze anybody; I'm going to let my work speak for itself.
Penny: That's great. That shows a lot of integrity.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
[pause]
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm a naive idiot, right?
Penny: Oh good, you heard me.

Penny: So, tenured means a job for life?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yup.
Penny: You can't get fired, even if you're bad at it?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really.
Penny: Oh. Sounds a lot like being a pretty waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: I was reading about this jellyfish that never dies; instead it reverts to its asexual and then grows up again.
Howard Wolowitz: We thought my ninety-year-old grandfather had reverted to an asexual state, but the lawsuit from his Jamaican caregiver proved us all wrong.
Leonard Hofstadter: My point is immortality is not only a possibility; it is real.
Raj Koothrappali: Only if you're this jellyfish, which periodically reverts to a mass of undifferentiated protoplasm.
Sheldon Cooper: If I could keep my Gmail account I'd be OK with that.

Barry Kripke: Wemember when we were twying to figure out what that smell coming fwom Pwofessor Tupperman's office was?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
Barry Kripke: Turns out it was Tupperman. Dead at his desk for two weeks.
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Raj Koothrappali: Ugh.
Barry Kripke: In wieu of fwowers, the department chair is asking that everyone donate a bottle of Febweze.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hawking Excitation (#5.21)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: Oh boy, well, Sheldon's going to freak out!
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, he worships Hawking.
Howard Wolowitz: I was actually thinking of bringing him along when I go over there so he can meet the great man.
Raj Koothrappali: It's really nice of you, Howard.
Howard Wolowitz: It's no big deal.
Leonard Hofstadter: Boy, a restraining order from Stephen Hawking. It'll look so nice next to the ones he's already got from Leonard Nimoy, Carl Sagan, and Stan Lee.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, do you recall when I said that I was going to revolutionize humanity's understanding of the Higgs boson particle and you said "Sheldon, it's 2 a.m., get out of my bedroom!"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Like it was 10 hours ago. What about it?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I believe I've done it. Now, I'm only saying "believe" to sound modest, because Sweet-Sam-Houston, I did it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really?
Raj Koothrappali: That's incredible! Oh, here! Breakout the math.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, okay, let me see this.
[Starts writing]
Sheldon Cooper: Alright! So, this particle here, is the boson, moving forward in time. Now, I was thinking...
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you go ahead and eat. This isn't going to make any sense to you.
Howard Wolowitz: Sheldon, I have a working understanding of Physics.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, good for you! Don't stop working on it.
Raj Koothrappali: You still going to tell him about you-know-who?
Howard Wolowitz: Yep.
Leonard Hofstadter: Still going to introduce him?
Howard Wolowitz: Not on your life!

Leonard Hofstadter: A word of caution: I would not do your Steven Hawking impression in front of him.
Howard Wolowitz: [wiggling his lips to sound like Hawking] You're right. I suppose that could be considered offensive.

Sheldon Cooper: Howard, please! I'm begging you!
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're our group historian. Has Sheldon ever begged before?
Raj Koothrappali: Three times: he begged the Fox network *not* to cancel Firefly; he begged the TNT network *to* cancel Babylon 5; and when he got food sickness at the Rose Bowl parade, he begged a deity he doesn't believe in to end his life quickly.

Howard Wolowitz: All right, Sheldon, there's only one thing left I want you to do. Don't worry, it's an easy one.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay.
Howard Wolowitz: Give me a compliment.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. You have very tiny hands.
Howard Wolowitz: No. About my job. I want you to tell me I'm good at what I do.
Sheldon Cooper: You're obviously good at what you do.
Howard Wolowitz: Then why are you always ripping on me?
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, I understand the confusion. Uh, I have never said that you are not good at what you do. It's just that what you do is not worth doing.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's nicer than anything he's ever said to me; I'd take it and run.

Leonard Hofstadter: That's Crazy!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Weekend Vortex (#5.19)" (2012)
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: Hey, wanna spend some time playing the new Star Wars game this weekend?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm, I don't know. I kind of promised myself I'd get off the computer, be more physically active, get some exercise.
Howard Wolowitz: You're about to walk up three flights of stairs.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good point. I'm in!
Raj Koothrappali: You know what would be great? Let's do it like the old days.
Leonard Hofstadter: You talking gaming marathon?
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah! Start Saturday morning, go 48 hours, sleeping bags, junk food...
Howard Wolowitz: Turn off our phones so our moms can't call...
Leonard Hofstadter: It'd be like our World of Warcraft party a few years ago when the neighbors called the cops on us.
Howard Wolowitz: They called the cops because of the smell; they thought we were dead.
Raj Koothrappali: We were bad-ass back in the day.
Leonard Hofstadter: Alright, let's do it!
Howard Wolowitz: 48 hours of Star Wars gaming.
Raj Koothrappali: It's on, like Alderaan!

Sheldon Cooper: Who wants to spend the whole weekend running around a bunch of pretend planets battling made-up monsters? That's for babies.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, but it's got lightsabers.
Sheldon Cooper: Please, Amy! It's got lightsabers!

Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette, remember your character's the healer in our group. You're in charge of healing all of us, not just Howard.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I can't help it. My Howie-Wowie has an owie!
Sheldon Cooper: That is the most sickeningly sweet thing I have ever experienced, and I am sipping Kool-Aid through a Red Vine.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, clear your weekend. Starting Saturday morning, Star Wars marathon!
Raj Koothrappali: Woo-hoo!
Leonard Hofstadter: Movies or video-games? Or board games? Or trading card games? Or Legos? Or dress-up? Or comic books? Or dramatic readings of novelizations? Yes to all!
Leonard Hofstadter: We are going to play the on-line game.
Sheldon Cooper: The on-line game. Bully!

Leonard Hofstadter: I'd make fun of Sheldon for having girl problems if I wasn't in shock that Sheldon has girl problems.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Discovery Dissipation (#7.10)" (2013)
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, I'm not just some trained monkey dancing for coins.
Leonard Hofstadter: Course you're not. People love trained monkeys.
Penny: How can you not be happy? You're tall, thin and famous. Oh my God. I'm jealous of Sheldon.

Sheldon Cooper: To really understand the story here, we have to start at the very beginning: a small town in East Texas, where a young genius name...
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon!
Sheldon Cooper: That's right, Sheldon Cooper. He was bitten by his neighbor's dog, leading to his first scientific break through: the Doggy Death Ray. Which sadly he couldn't build because Santa wouldn't bring him enriched uranium.

Sheldon Cooper: What's that animal doing in our apartment?
Leonard Hofstadter: Get over that. She's in her crate; she can't get out.
Sheldon Cooper: I have two words for you: Jurassic Park.

Leonard Hofstadter: I was only trying to make you happy.
Sheldon Cooper: By taking away my crowning achievement? If you wanted me to be happy, you could have told me a joke, or shown me a cute video of a koala and an otter being unlikely friends.
Leonard Hofstadter: There is no pleasing you! And koalas and otters don't even live near each other!
Sheldon Cooper: That's what makes their friendship so unlikely!

Barry Kripke: Perhaps physics isn't your thing. Maybe you should go into wetail so you can take things back for a living.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's enough, Barry.
Sheldon Cooper: That's all right, Leonard. I can fight my own battles. Isn't that right, "Bawwy"?
Barry Kripke: Is that a wefewence to my speech impediment? Wow, that weally hurt. I can't contwol it.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry. I take it back.
Barry Kripke: Yeah, you do, 'cause you're the Wetwactor!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Vacation Solution (#5.16)" (2012)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science. Physics Mad Libs. Now, give me a number.
Leonard Hofstadter: Five.
Sheldon Cooper: Un-huh. And an irrational constant.
Howard Wolowitz: E.
Sheldon Cooper: And a funny Greek letter.
Raj Koothrappali: Gamma.
Sheldon Cooper: I said funny.
Raj Koothrappali: Upsilon?
Sheldon Cooper: Good one! And an electrical charge.
Leonard Hofstadter: Positive.
Sheldon Cooper: Ha. Perfect. Get this.
[reads]
Sheldon Cooper: Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon. Five times the limit of
[laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: E to the upsilon as in a
[breaks up laughing]
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, no no, ahem. I'll start over. Professor Jo-
[breaks up laughing again]

Howard Wolowitz: I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Sheldon Cooper: [laughing] Oh, oh lord, that multiplication error! He thought he carried the one, but he didn't!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not funny. That mistake got published.
Sheldon Cooper: Stop! I'm going to wet myself!

Sheldon Cooper: If the guard at the University asks what's under the blanket, you tell him it's some lobster traps.
Leonard Hofstadter: Lobster traps?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, that's how Velma and Scooby smuggled Shaggy into the old lighthouse.

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, everybody takes vacations.
Sheldon Cooper: One time, they tried to make Richard Feynman take a vacation, but he chose instead to expand his mind and learn something new. He went to work in his friend's biology lab.
Sheldon Cooper: [turns to Howard] Richard Feynman was a famous American physicist, part of the Manhattan project.
Howard Wolowitz: Everyone in the world of science knows who Richard Feynman was.
Sheldon Cooper: Now you do too.

Raj Koothrappali: President Siebert is headed this way.
Howard Wolowitz: I wonder what he wants.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, he doesn't look happy, so I assume he wants to talk to Sheldon.
President Siebert: Dr. Cooper.
Leonard Hofstadter: Told ya.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Prom Equivalency (#8.8)" (2014)
Howard Wolowitz: There are lots of people who wear matching pajamas who aren't dating.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, really? Like who?
Howard Wolowitz: You and your dog.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't rule out the dating.

Sheldon Cooper: You think you got it bad, consider the gibbon. The gibbon is the only member of the ape family who isn't classified as a great ape. All the non-human members of the ape family are great apes except him, so taxologists made up the classification of lesser ape just to single him out as the weird kid in the playground.
Leonard Hofstadter: A gibbon doesn't care how he's classified. He doesn't even know he's called a gibbon.
Sheldon Cooper: That's true.
[to Howard]
Sheldon Cooper: Sorry, kid. You've got it worse than a gibbon.

Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you for wearing flats.
Penny: Thank you for wearing heels.

Leonard Hofstadter: Look at me. I'm dancing with the prettiest girl at the prom.
Penny: Want to send a photo to your chess club friends?
Leonard Hofstadter: I sent them a bikini shot of you a long time ago.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Tying Sheldon's bow tie] One of these days you have to learn to do this yourself. There are some clip-ons you could try.
Sheldon Cooper: Bruce Wayne doesn't use a clip-on.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bruce Wayne doesn't have his roommate tie his bowties for him.
Sheldon Cooper: His name is Alfred, and yes he does.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pork Chop Indeterminacy (#1.15)" (2008)
[Sheldon's hot twin sister, Missy, is in town for a wedding]
Leonard Hofstadter: If the wedding's not until tomorrow, why don't you stay with us tonight?
Missy: Oh, I don't think so. Shelly doesn't like company. Even as a little boy, he'd send his imaginary friends home at the end of the day.
Sheldon Cooper: They were not "friends". They were imaginary colleagues.

Penny: So, Sheldon's sister is pretty cute.
Leonard Hofstadter: I wasn't staring!
Penny: I didn't say you were; I just said she was cute.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh! Uh, maybe... if you like women who are tall... and perfect.

Howard Wolowitz: You have Penny.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't have Penny. In what conceivable universe do I have Penny?
Howard Wolowitz: So I can have her then?
Leonard Hofstadter: No!

Leonard Hofstadter: Maybe she's his lawyer.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, she's free to inspect my briefs.
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard...
Howard Wolowitz: I know, I'm disgusting. I should be punished. By her. Oh, look, I did it again.

Leonard Hofstadter: On the other hand, some physicists are concerned that if the supercollider actually works, it will create a black hole and swallow up the earth ending life as we know it.
Raj Koothrappali: What a bunch of cry babies. No guts, no glory, man.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Spock Resonance (#9.7)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: When did we get a wall safe?
Sheldon Cooper: When there was no more room in the floor safe.
Leonard Hofstadter: When did we get a floor safe?
Sheldon Cooper: When we got the security camera!
Leonard Hofstadter: There's a security camera?
Sheldon Cooper: Aquaman, protecting your home since 2012.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh my God, we've done things on that couch.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, you don't have to tell me.

[Sheldon is showing the valuables he keeps in his lock box]
Sheldon Cooper: [bringing out each item] My passport. My Wil.
Leonard Hofstadter: You have a will?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, my one-eighteenth scale Wil Wheaton action figure. Yeah, I also have the other kind of will, and in it, I will my Wil back to Wil.
Leonard Hofstadter: Will Wil want it?
Wil Wheaton: Wil won't.

[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you hear about this study that found people that were cool and popular at thirteen had problems succeeding later in life?
Raj Koothrappali: Hm, I 'm doing OK and I was very popular at thirteen.
Penny Hofstadter: In school?
Raj Koothrappali: Oh no, at home. The servants would sing to me, laugh at my jokes... I wish I knew their names.
Penny Hofstadter: The study say what happens to the unpopular kids?
Leonard Hofstadter: You tell me; you woke up in bed with one.

Leonard Hofstadter: [as Adam starts to interview Sheldon] How long have you known Adam?
Wil Wheaton: A few years.
Leonard Hofstadter: And what are you getting him back for?

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, how could I have been so foolish, to try and follow in the footsteps of a made-up alien race with no emotions?
Leonard Hofstadter: [sighs] Well, now instead of idolizing fictional characters you can focus on the real people who are already in your life.
Sheldon Cooper: Those are very wise words.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Sheldon Cooper: They'd just be so much more comforting if they came out of a television.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Septum Deviation (#8.9)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: It's not life-threatening. Why are you getting surgery?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because I can't breathe. I snore, I get sinus infections...
Penny: Back off. He's mine.

Sheldon Cooper: If you get the surgery, the snoring is gone. If you die during surgery... the snoring is gone.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds like either way I finally get some rest.

Sheldon Cooper: What if you're allergic to latex gloves?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not allergic to latex.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, what about epilepsy?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't have epilepsy.
Sheldon Cooper: You don't, but the doctor might. One shaky scalpel and your carotid artery becomes a dancing fountain at Disneyland.

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm certainly not going to die by asteroid impact.
Sheldon Cooper: You know who else thought that? Every cocky T.rex currently swimming around in your car tank.

Leonard Hofstadter: What you get?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I ordered this before your surgery. It's the urn I was going to put you in.
Penny: It's morbid. Send it back.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't. I had it engraved. "Here lie the ashes of Leonard Hofstadter. He thought he was right, but his roommate knew better."
Leonard Hofstadter: That's funny. Boy, I'm gonna miss these pain killers.
Penny: Why'd you get two? "I'm with stupid."
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that one's mine.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pants Alternative (#3.18)" (2010)
Sheldon: Problem.
Leonard: What?
Sheldon: They expect me to give a speech at the banquet. I can't give a speech.
Howard Wolowitz: No, you're mistaken. You give speeches all the time. What you can't do is shut up.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah, before the movie you did 20 minutes on why guacamole turns brown. It turned brown while you were talking.

[last lines]
Sheldon: [watching his speech on Youtube] Oh, Lord! This couldn't be any more humiliating.
Leonard: Aah, give it a minute.
Sheldon: [on Youtube] Now, for the astronomers in the audience, get ready to see the dark side of the moon. And here's Uranus.

Leonard: Hey, Sheldon, I was up in the Administration Office, and I happened to overhear the name of the winner of this year's Chancellor's Award for Science.
Sheldon: And you want to rub my nose in the fact that my contributions are being overlooked again. I'm the William Shatner of theoretical physics. All right, I'll play. What self-important, preening *fraud* are they honoring this year?
Leonard: Well, I'm so glad you asked it like that: You.

Leonard: So, Sheldon. How ya doing?
Sheldon: That's how you start a psychotherapy session. How am I doing? I was promised a riverboat journey into the jungles of my subconscious. Instead I get the same question I hear from the lady who slices my baloney at Ralph's.

Sheldon: Would it be helpful to you if I told you about my dreams?
Leonard: Um; I don't know, maybe.
Sheldon: I recently had a dream that I was a giant, but everything around me was to scale, so it all looked normal.
Leonard: How did you know you were a giant, if everything was to scale?
Sheldon: I was wearing size a million pants.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Indecision Amalgamation (#7.19)" (2014)
Sheldon Cooper: Quick poll! PS4 or Xbox One? Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Uh, Xbox One.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny!
Penny: Huh?
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: PS4.
Sheldon Cooper: Wolowitz!
Howard Wolowitz: They're both great.
Sheldon Cooper: Bernadette!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: I like the Wii.
Sheldon Cooper: Thanks, grandma.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. How you're audition go?
Penny: I killed it. I was able to cry real tears on the spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that's great.
Penny: Next time I get pulled over for a speeding ticket, here comes the waterworks.
Sheldon Cooper: [Running away] Here comes the waterworks!
Leonard Hofstadter: Aren't you going to ask?
Penny: What? Is this my first day?

Penny: Sometimes I feel like I can control the killer gorilla instinct inside of me, but then I see these bananas and then I want to eat them and then kill people. What am I gonna do?
Leonard Hofstadter: For one thing, I wouldn't eat those bananas.

Raj Koothrappali: Penny, two of the brightest stars in the night sky are Altair and Vega. And it is said they were deeply in love, but forever separated by the celestial river of the Milky Way.
Penny: Oh, that's sad.
Raj Koothrappali: It is. But once a year on the seventh day of the seventh month, Vega cries so hard that all the magpies of the world fly up and create a bridge with their wings so the two lovers can be together for single night of passion.
[Penny sighs]
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, that's enough!

Leonard Hofstadter: I know it's a stupid question, but why are you being stupid?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Fortification Implementation (#8.20)" (2015)
Howard Wolowitz: Settle this. Those little animated pictures on the Internet, are they called "gifs" or "jifs"?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, the G stands for "graphics." That's a hard G, so I'd say "gif."
Raj Koothrappali: What? The guy who invented it says it's "jif."
Howard Wolowitz: I'm sorry, do you mean the guy or the juy?

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you can spend the rest of the day being bitter about this...
Sheldon Cooper: Agreed.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was going to say "or," but why bother?

Penny: Okay, instead of protecting me, why don't you try being excited when something good happens?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm always excited for you. I'm excited that you found this new job where you're making decent money.
Penny: Decent? I make twice what you make.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wait, twice?
Penny: Yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like times two, twice?

Wil Wheaton: Leonard, a moment ago, you were dead set against Penny resuming her acting career, but now you're all for it. Is it fair to say she played you like a violin?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes it is, Wil.

Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you kids have fun. I'm going to go to sleep.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, don't you want to see the inside of the fort?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, I'm good.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, come on. I really wanted to tell someone they can't come in.
Leonard Hofstadter: All right. Sheldon, may I please come into your fort?
Sheldon Cooper: I want to say no, but it's just too glorious. Come on in!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Skywalker Incursion (#8.19)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: [Opening lines] Leonard, I've been working on an opening joke for our lecture at Berkeley.
Leonard Hofstadter: I like to laugh, but say it anyway.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay. What do you say to a graduate of the UC Berkeley Physics Department? I'll have fries with that. Because his education hasn't prepared him for a career in the sciences.
Penny: You know, when they chase you out of there, you only have to run faster than Sheldon.

Sheldon Cooper: Play that funky music, white boy!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm surprised you know that reference.
Sheldon Cooper: What reference?

Leonard Hofstadter: I don't think George Lucas built his headquarters in the middle of nowhere because he wanted people dropping in.
Sheldon Cooper: Yoda's swamp was in the middle of nowhere. Tatooine was in the middle of nowhere. Hoth was in the middle of nowhere. That's code, Leonard. He wants us to drop in.

Leonard Hofstadter: [they've just found the gate to Skywalker Ranch] You want to get a picture?
Sheldon Cooper: I want more than a picture. I want to go in.
Leonard Hofstadter: So do I, but they'll never let us.
Sheldon Cooper: Is that the attitude that helped you get Penny?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, but I don't have three years to make that gate feel sorry for me.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm so excited, and I just can't hide it!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm about to lose control, and I think I like it!
Sheldon Cooper: What are you talking about?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Toast Derivation (#4.17)" (2011)
[Sheldon is having a get-together with a new group of friends]
Leonard Hofstadter: You're having people over?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Must be killing you wondering who. Fine, I'll tell you. Stuart from the comic book store, Barry Kripke from the university, Penny's ex-boyfriend Zack, and TV's Levar Burton.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Levar Burton's coming over?
Sheldon Cooper: Possible. I tweeted him.

[Usual gang and Priya are gossiping about Sheldon]
Howard Wolowitz: Raj, did you ever tell your sister about the time Sheldon got punched by Bill Gates?
Priya: Oh, God! You're kidding?
Raj Koothrappali: Nope. Gates gave a speech at the university. Sheldon went up to him afterward and said, "Maybe if you weren't so distracted by sick children in Africa, you could've put a little more thought into Windows Vista."
[all laugh]
Leonard Hofstadter: Bam! Right in the nose. Made me proud to own a PC.

Sheldon Cooper: I just realized, we're about to spend an evening watching a plasma screen with a cluster of dead pixels in the upper left-hand corner.
Leonard Hofstadter: So don't watch TV. Read a book.
Sheldon Cooper: And be a social pariah? You know that's not my style.

Raj Koothrappali: Hey, you're just in time. We made Tex-Mex.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sounds great.
Sheldon Cooper: Ooh, Indians making Tex-Mex. Might as well have had the Chinese pizza.

Priya: There's no assigned seats, Sheldon. Just sit anywhere, make yourself comfortable.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, what fun. We're like hippies at a love-in.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just sit here.
Sheldon Cooper: Right on, man, right on.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Roommate Transmogrification (#4.24)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: What are you doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: I said, what are you doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: I live here.
Sheldon Cooper: I have paperwork that says differently.

Howard Wolowitz: You gotta like this. The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty-tooty stinky booty.
Leonard Hofstadter: Kill me.
Sheldon Cooper: It wouldn't help. The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.

Leonard Hofstadter: Does Sheldon know you're sleeping in here?
Raj Koothrappali: Are you kidding? He made me sign a waiver, participate in an emergency fire drill, and take a refresher course in CPR. Thank God he had a dummy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah, Mouth-to-Mouth Mona. You know she used to date Howard?

[last lines]
Penny: [after Penny drunkenly sleeps with Raj, she tries to sneak out, but is finds Sheldon, Leonard, and Howard in the living room] Damn.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is going on?
Penny: [laughing nervously] Oh, it's, it's not what it looks like.
[embarrassed, Penny quickly leaves]
Sheldon Cooper: What does it look like?

Leonard Hofstadter: Do you really think you should be eating that cake?
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: If you're gonna be a trophy husband for a rich wife, you might want to watch your waistline.
Raj Koothrappali: He's right. A minute on the lips, a lifetime on the hips.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Egg Salad Equivalency (#6.12)" (2013)
[last lines]
Penny: I figured I could sit around and feel insecure, or I could do something about it. So I got a course catalog at school and looked at some of the scence classes.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's great.
Penny: No, it isn't; they are extremely boring. I mean, how do you not kill yourself every day. Anyway, I decided I don't need to be a scientist; I could just look like one. So I bought these.
Leonard Hofstadter: Glasses?
[as Penny puts the glasses on]
Leonard Hofstadter: I really don't think that's going to change- Oh my God, you look so smart and hot!
Penny: I know, right? Watch this.
[pulls the glasses down so she is peering over them]
Penny: Molecules.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, come with me.
Penny: Where are we going?
Leonard Hofstadter: My bedroom, so I can take off everything but those glasses. And maybe the boots.

[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Well, I must say, Leonard, when I first heard your idea for Giant Jenga, I was skeptical.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can't blame you. Tiny Twister was a complete bust.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh no, I was wrong. The looming threat of being crushed under a pile of lumber does add a certain spice. I've never felt so alive.

Leonard Hofstadter: [singing] I'm sorry Alex hit on me, hit on me, hit on me. Sorry Alex hit on me, I'd no idea I'm cute.
Penny: Oh, damn it, you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: Please forgive me. I should have told you about Alex.
Penny: I don't care about Alex. Fine, I care. Okay, I hate that bitch. But what really hurt is that you liked it so much. I mean, do I need to be worried?
Leonard Hofstadter: Of course not. No. Why?
Penny: Because, she is pretty and smart, and when you talk about work, she doesn't have to go home and look up words in the dictionary to understand what you said.
Leonard Hofstadter: You do that?
Penny: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hang on. Are you feeling insecure? Because that's my thing, and if you take it away, I don't know what I'm bringing to this relationship.
Penny: Yes, Leonard, I am insecure. Happy?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, not happy.
Penny: Why are you smiling?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry. I just never think of you having feelings like that.
Penny: Well, I do.

Leonard Hofstadter: Did you tell something to Penny about me and Alex?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and a fat lot of good it did me. It just made her angry at you.

Leonard Hofstadter: Can I tell you a secret?
Penny: Wha's up?
Leonard Hofstadter: With all these women chasing me, I kind of do feel like Captain Kirk.
Penny: Can I tell *you* a secret?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
Penny: Keep talking about Captain Kirk and we're all going to stop.
Leonard Hofstadter: [mimicking Shatner] Message. Received.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Robotic Manipulation (#4.1)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: [about Howard's robot arm] Fine, but one must be cautious.
Leonard Hofstadter: How so?
Sheldon Cooper: Today it's retrieving condiments. Tomorrow, it's travelling back in time to kill Sarah Connor.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't think that's gonna happen.
Sheldon Cooper: No one ever does. That's why it happens.

Raj Koothrappali: [skeptically] You slipped and fell into a robot hand.
Howard Wolowitz: [embarrassed about what he was really doing] Yes.
Raj Koothrappali: Penis first?
Howard Wolowitz: Yes. Now, help me!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'd suggest a lubricant, but I have a feeling you fell on some of that, as well.

Leonard Hofstadter: [his phone rings] Hey, Howard. What's going on? Wh... Wait, Howard, slow down. The robot hand is stuck to your what?
[aside, to Raj]
Leonard Hofstadter: You're not gonna believe this.

Penny: Who's Amy?
Leonard Hofstadter: His girlfriend.
Penny: [blindsided by the news] Sheldon has a girlfriend?
Sheldon Cooper: She's not my girlfriend.
Penny: How long has this been going on?
Leonard Hofstadter: Four months.
Sheldon Cooper: She's not my girlfriend.
Penny: Are you telling me for the past four months, I have been asking you "What's new?" and you never thought to go with "Sheldon has a girlfriend"?

Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me, could you help us out?
Althea: [seeing Howard with the robot arm on his junk] My, my, my. What do we have here?
Howard Wolowitz: I slipped and fell.
Althea: Yeah, we get that a lot.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Vegas Renormalization (#2.21)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you coming?
Sheldon Cooper: I'd rather have a blowfly lay eggs and hatch larvae in my auditory canal.
Leonard Hofstadter: Great, we'll bring you back a T-shirt.

Howard Wolowitz: Are you from the Star Wars universe?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Were you in the original trilogy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Howard Wolowitz: Is there a picture of you in my wallet wearing a metal bikini?
Leonard Hofstadter: God, I hope not. And no, I'm not Princess Leia.
Rajesh Koothrappali: OK, OK, my turn. Are you in all six Star Wars movies?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Interesting. Are you a droid?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Do you kind of look like a shiny Sheldon?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes!
Rajesh Koothrappali: C-3PO!
Leonard Hofstadter: You got it!
Sheldon Cooper: [talking and moving in a manner reminiscent of C-3PO] That's preposterous. I do not resemble C-3PO! Don't get me wrong, I'm flattered. I just don't see it.

Rajesh Koothrappali: We should have a plan, in case one of us gets lucky.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay. If I get lucky, I'll take her to my stately manor outside Gotham city. And, if you get lucky, I'll sleep on the moon.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Sounds like a plan.

[last lines]
[after Penny lets Sheldon stay over when he locks himself out of his apartment]
Leonard Hofstadter: What were you doing at Penny's?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, we had dinner, uh, played some games, and then I spent the night. Oh, you'll be happy to know that I now have a *much* better understanding of "friends with benefits."

Sheldon Cooper: [Howard is crying after Leslie dumps him] I don't understand. If you were in a non-emotional relationship, then why are you having what appears to be an emotional response?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, he obviously had feelings for her.
Howard Wolowitz: Of course I had feelings for her. I saw her naked, for God's sake.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Scavenger Vortex (#7.3)" (2013)
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: So. Couldn't help but notice. None of you RSVP'd to my murder mystery dinner party.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh yeah. We were meaning to do that.
Raj Koothrappali: No you weren't, because it was a week ago and nobody came! So if you want to solve the mystery of who stabbed Koothrappali in the back with the weapon of indifference, it was all of you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't think that qualifies as a mystery. We all knew what we were doing.
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're sorry, Rajesh.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe we can do it next week.
Howard Wolowitz: Whoa, whoa, not that sorry.
Raj Koothrappali: Don't worry, I can take a hint. No more murder mystery parties.
Sheldon Cooper: Great.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you.
Howard Wolowitz: Hallelujah.
Raj Koothrappali: Because I've got something better planned!
Howard Wolowitz, Leonard Hofstadter, Amy Farrah Fowler: Aaw.
Sheldon Cooper: Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: Just hear me out. I'm going to make you guys a scavenger hunt like they have at M.I.T.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, I loved those. I did them every year there.
Leonard Hofstadter: We did them at Princeton too.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that's cute. Like it's a real college.
Sheldon Cooper: Amusing. I was going to say that about M.I.T., but it works for Princeton, too.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Scavenger hunts at Harvard we're really tough. I always got stuck on the first challenge; trying to find someone to be on a team with me.
[laughs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: I guess that story's more sad than funny.

Raj Koothrappali: OK, guys, go ahead and divide yourselves into teams of two.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Should we just do couples?
Leonard Hofstadter: Couples sounds great, or we could mix things up. Maybe pick names out of a hat; whatever.
Penny: Whoa, whoa, whoa. Why don't you just admit you don't want to be on a team with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just said couples sound great.
Penny: Hm-mm. Yeah. You don't think I'm smart enough. You just think I'm going to be a liability. Even though I totally just used liability correctly in a sentence.
[Amy nods at her]
Leonard Hofstadter: So, let's do couples. I want to.
Penny: No, no, no. Let's mix things up. I choose Sheldon; we're going to kick your ass.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? The only time I'm ever picked first for a team, and I'm stuck with the liability.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Stop that. Penny is not a liability.
Penny: Thank you. Do you want to be on my team?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe we pick names out of a hat?

Bernadette Rostenkowski: How am I faster than you? I'm in heels, *and* I stopped to take a phone call!
Leonard Hofstadter: I have asthma. Back off!

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm OK with you driving my car; I'm not OK with you flying my car.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Don't sweat it; my dad's a cop; used to fix things.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh-huh. Like *death*.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Quitting would be the worst thing for your relationship.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Because it would make you seem like something she already thinks you are.
Leonard Hofstadter: What does she think I am?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: How do I put this? She's been known to call you a name that usually applies to a lady part... Or a cat... Or a willow.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Communication Deterioration (#8.21)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: [singing] The itsy bitsy spider is not an insect at all. Because it has eight legs and two body parts.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's pretty cool, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Thank you. Do either of you know Beyoncé? I'd love her to get behind it.

Raj Koothrappali: You guys know the new discovery class missions that NASA's been working on?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, they're looking to include a message from Earth in case one of them is encountered by alien life.
Leonard Hofstadter: When I encountered alien life, I discovered that the key thing was not to sit in its spot.
Sheldon Cooper: You can't breathe our air without an inhaler. He's allergic to Earth nuts, but I'm the alien.

Leonard Hofstadter: That's actually a valid example. Animals do deliver messages through scent.
Raj Koothrappali: Bees talk to each other by dancing. Whales have their songs.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny has about 20 different ways of rolling her eyes that each mean something different.

Leonard Hofstadter: Now that we're all on the same page, let's get together tonight and work on it.
Sheldon Cooper: Get together tonight? Leonard, stop trying to control everything, and give poor Raj a chance to come up with what we should do. Go ahead, Raj.
Raj Koothrappali: Okay, I think we should do it right now.
Sheldon Cooper: Tonight works better for me.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Helium Insufficiency (#9.6)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Barry, a team of Swedish scientists is going to do our experiment before we do. Can you lend us some liquid helium?
Barry Kripke: Sowwy, but there's a hewium shortage, and I need it for my quantum excitation expewiment.
Leonard Hofstadter: You don't need that much.
Barry Kripke: Twue, but if it's successful, I'm planning to have a party with bawwoons.

Barry Kripke: Be honest, if the shoe were on the other foot, would you do the same for me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Not a chance. Sorry, but he said to be honest, and mother always said that honesty is the best policy.

Howard Wolowitz: Can't you just use regular helium?
Leonard Hofstadter: We'd have to go to every Party City in Pasadena.
Howard Wolowitz: [to Raj] Sounds like you on Cinco de Mayo.
Raj Koothrappali: Hey! Everyone was still talking about that party on Siete de Mayo.

Leonard Hofstadter: You can trust us, we're respected scientists.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, he is. I'm a wedding planner who can't find love himself.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Shiny Trinket Maneuver (#5.12)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Coins lodged in body parts is not a source of amusement. When I was five, Billy Sparks put a Mexican Peso up my nose.
Howard Wolowitz: How is that not amusing?
Sheldon Cooper: It's still there. Takes me 45 minutes to get through airport security.
Howard Wolowitz: Look, I made Sheldon disappear, tada!
Leonard Hofstadter: Next time you should open with that.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, a little Red Dead Redemption, huh
Sheldon Cooper: [shown playing video game] Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: How come you're not doing a mission? You're just wandering around.
Sheldon Cooper: I had a rough night, thought I'd go for a walk and clear my head.
Leonard Hofstadter: Some people go outside and do that.

Sheldon Cooper: [game character walks into saloon] I'll just go in this saloon and drink my troubles away.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know... Digital alcohol is never a solution.

Sheldon Cooper: I'm gonna have a whiskey. Do you want anything?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I can't. I'm playing Grand Theft Auto later.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Extract Obliteration (#6.6)" (2012)
[first lines]
Raj Koothrappali: Try to keep up, Howard; I'm killing it.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, I wish we looked this cool dancing in clubs as we do right now.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry, this is exactly how you look when you're dancing in clubs.

Penny: You just assumed my paper would be bad, so you wrote one for me?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. I assumed it was good, then I read it.
Penny: What!
Leonard Hofstadter: No... I mean, it was good; there was just a few things that needed a little polishing.
Penny: wha- you changed every word!
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not true, uh, uh. Slavery. Sixteen-nineteen. Your name on the top, that's all you.

Penny: Now, behave yourself and eat your dinner, and maybe later, if you're lucky, you get to sleep with a college girl.
Leonard Hofstadter: Really? Cause I went through four years of college and five years of grad school, that never happened once.

[Leonard wants to talk about a problem he's having with Penny, but Sheldon is distracted with his own problem]
Leonard Hofstadter: Is it possible we're having two different conversations?
Sheldon Cooper: How would I know? I'm not listening to you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hook-up Reverberation (#8.4)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you hear about this research on gene manipulation that's trying to create some sort of dinosaur-like chicken?
Sheldon Cooper: I think that sounds wonderful.
Howard Wolowitz: What? You're afraid of both dinosaurs and birds.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, but you tell me a dinosaur chicken salad sandwich wouldn't hit the Mesozoic spot.

Howard Wolowitz: I wish Stuart opened his store again. I hate this place too.
Leonard Hofstadter: [Points to Sheldon] Okay, him I understand, because he's an eighty-year old in a fifteen-year-old's T-shirt. You're just upset about Stuart and your mom and all their HBOs.
Howard Wolowitz: You're right, I am. You know, I can't even watch Game of Thrones anymore without thinking about my mother asking "Howard, which one's Thrones?"

Sheldon Cooper: So, what are some ways we could set our comic book store apart from the competition?
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm, kids buy comic books. It would be great to figure out a way to get more kids in the store.
Howard Wolowitz: You know, when I was a kid, I loved going there, but I could never get a ride.
Raj Koothrappali: Ooh, what if we got a van and drove around and picked kids up?
Sheldon Cooper: Nice! Like at schools and parks.
Howard Wolowitz: Toy stores, puppet shows.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hold on. So your idea is to get a van and cruise the streets looking for kids to pick up?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: And are you going to use candy to lure them in?
Raj Koothrappali: We are now!

Sheldon Cooper: Oh, if there's anything that really gets my goat it's those daggum insurance companies.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why, because they won't get off your lawn?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Closet Reconfiguration (#6.19)" (2013)
Howard Wolowitz: What are you guys doing here?
Leonard Hofstadter: When you left you weren't sure whether or not you wanted to know what was in your Dad's letter so we came up with kind of a cool solution.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh yeah, what's that?
Sheldon Cooper: It's simple really. It occurred to me that knowing and not knowing can be achieved by creating a macroscopic example of quantum superposition. The principle that a physical system exists partially in all of its possible states at once.
Penny: We were all thinking it, really. Kind of the elephant in the room.
Sheldon Cooper: Anyway, um, I realized if we each present you with an account of what your father wrote to you, only one of which is true, and we don't tell you which one it is, you will be forever in a state of epistemic ambivalence.
Penny: Yeah. And he said if it wasn't epistemic, we might as well not even do it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sit down, honey.
Leonard Hofstadter: Raj, you're up.
Raj Koothrappali: It was a card for your eighteenth birthday. Inside it said: Happy Birthday Howard. I love you, Dad. Oh, and it was a Far Side card, The one where the frog had his tongue stuck to the underside of an airplane. Thinks it's a fly. Silly frog. So funny.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: It was a map leading to the lost treasure of famous pirate One-eyed Willy.
Howard Wolowitz: That's fine. That's the plot for The Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Told you.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, I know tonight's the night you eat Thai food so I went to the Asian market, got all the ingredients, made it from scratch.
Sheldon Cooper: Ohh, you shouldn't have.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, it's my pleasure.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you really shouldn't have.
[holds up bag of takeout food]
Sheldon Cooper: I brought my own.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You stopped and got him takeout?
Leonard Hofstadter: I had no choice. He kept kicking the back of my seat.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon, I've been cooking all day.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, now don't you feel silly.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [to Howard] Show him the closet!

Leonard Hofstadter: Amy.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You didn't know it, but your father was in the auditorium at your high school graduation and he cried because he was so proud of you.
Howard Wolowitz: Really?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, that's complete poppycock which Amy made that up and it could still be the map.
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny.
Penny: It was a letter explaining that your Dad wasn't who he said was. Eventually his other life caught up to him and the only way to keep you and your Mom safe was to leave.
Sheldon Cooper: I would like to change mine. The pirate's name was Peg Leg Antoine. Now it's completely different from Goonies.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No it's not.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't.
Leonard Hofstadter: OK, my turn. Your Dad wrote about how family is the most important thing and that you should never throw it away like he did.
Howard Wolowitz: Hm.
Leonard Hofstadter: Bernadette.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Inside the envelope was a picture of your Dad holding you the day you were born. On the back he wrote: Howard, my son, my greatest gift.
[Howard gets up and walks away]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: You okay?
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah. I'm terrific.
Sheldon Cooper: So? Which one do you think it is, matey?
Howard Wolowitz: Actually I don't want to know. I want all of them to be true.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, one of them is.
Howard Wolowitz: That is pretty cool. Thank you, guys.

[Sheldon is begging Leonard to let him stay and finish organizing Howard's closet]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny is already in the car... wait, I can go home without you? Bye!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Stag Convergence (#5.22)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: Howard, you are a good friend and I wish you nothing but happiness. Bazinga! I don't!
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Double-Bazinga! I do!

Penny: So, I hear you and the Lost Boys are having a Bachelor Party tonight.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, just going to a restaurant. Get some steaks, some Scotch. You've nothing to worry about.
Penny: Why should I worry?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know, it's a Bachelor Party. There could be strippers. Won't that make you a little jealous?
Penny: Come on Leonard. It's you. What's gonna happen? I mean, even if there was a stripper, all you'd do is avoid eye contact and maybe offer to help her kid with his homework.

Leonard Hofstadter: [surprised] Are you drinking whiskey?
Sheldon Cooper: Indeed. If I am to participate in the social convention that is the stag night, then I must embrace all its components, including tobacco, swear-words and, yes, alcohol.
[he takes a drink]
Sheldon Cooper: Jeepers, that's yucky!
Leonard Hofstadter: Whoa. It's a little early to start dropping j-bombs, don't you think?

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hello.
Penny: What's with the robe?
Leonard Hofstadter: [removing robe] I'm going to have sex with you, right here, right now, on that washing machine.
Penny: No, you're not.
Leonard Hofstadter: C'mon, please.
Penny: You want to do something, you can help me fold this sheet.
Leonard Hofstadter: Folding a sheet in my underwear, still pretty crazy.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Workplace Proximity (#7.5)" (2013)
Penny: Sheldon, what happened between you and Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, can you believe she said I embarrassed her?
Penny: Yeah.
Sheldon Cooper: But you didn't even hear the details.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I've known you a long time, and I'm going to tell you this with all the love I can possibly muster: Amy's right, you're wrong.
Sheldon Cooper: But you don't even know...
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, yeah, but in my defense...
Leonard Hofstadter: Doesn't matter.
Sheldon Cooper: You're not listening to my side of it.
Penny: OK, fine, Sheldon, what is your side?
Sheldon Cooper: [sighs] Well...
Penny: No, gotta go with Amy on this one.

[last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Laser's warmed up.
Howard Wolowitz: Pull!
[Raj throws up a balloon, which Howard bursts using the laser]
Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali, Sheldon Cooper: Yay!

Bernadette Rostenkowski: Well?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, fine. I did say that, and I think it's true. I think if we work together and live together, we'd get sick of each other.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, but to be fair, he only said the part about him getting sick of you.
Howard Wolowitz: [angrily] For the love of God, why?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Sheldon awkwardly heads towards Leonard and Raj on the couch] What exactly do you think you'd get sick of?
Raj Koothrappali: [speaking quietly to Leonard] His only options here are to fake a heart attack or have a real one.
Howard Wolowitz: It's nothing in particular. I...
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Is it my voice? Am I too bossy?
Howard Wolowitz: [he rubs his right arm] My arm is feeling numb.
Leonard Hofstadter: [to Raj] Nailed it.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: That's the wrong arm for a heart attack, Doofus.

Sheldon Cooper: I appreciate your concern, but I won't be seeing any more of Amy than I already do. I assume we'll deduct any extra time we spend together at work from our weekly quota.
Leonard Hofstadter: Please let me be there when you tell her that.
Sheldon Cooper: Why? So you can see the look on Amy's face when she hears my top-notch idea?
Leonard Hofstadter: Please, oh please, just let me be there.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Re-Entry Minimization (#6.4)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: It's been a good run, Fake Wolowitz. We'll remember you with fond nostalgia, like the dial-up modem, the VHS tape and Leonard's gym membership.
Raj Koothrappali: I don't want Stuart to leave. We've become good friends.
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, that's one vote for, one against. Leonard, you're the tie breaker.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't mind Stuart. Besides, he gives us 20% discounts on comic books.
Sheldon Cooper: My friendship isn't sold so cheaply.
Stuart: I can go as high as 30.
Sheldon Cooper: Welcome aboard, old chum.

Sheldon Cooper: [after losing at "Where's Waldo"] How could you not find him?
Leonard Hofstadter: Because he's hard to find! If he was easy to find, the books would be called "There's Waldo!"

Sheldon Cooper: [At a pie-eating contest] I'm concerned about all these blueberries. Blueberries are rich in anti-oxidants.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: With all those anti-oxidants, what if I run out of oxidants?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we haven't won a single game. Either you put your face in that pie, or I will put the pie in your face!

Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, we haven't won a game all night. Now you either sick your face in that pie, or I'm gonna stick that pie in your face.
Sheldon Cooper: That's rude.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Higgs Boson Observation (#6.3)" (2012)
Sheldon Cooper: [about his toilet training journal] There's a chart in the back describing shape, color and consistency.
Penny: Disgusting!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, what's disgusting is that he's still keeping track.

Alex Jensen: I'm Alex, Dr. Cooper's new assistant.
Leonard Hofstadter: Nice to meet you, and may God have mercy on your soul.

Alex Jensen: My father works for SETI.
Leonard Hofstadter: SETI, the Search for Extra Terrestrial Intelligence. You should introduce him to Sheldon. The search is over.

Alex Jensen: [after Raj can't talk to her] Is he alright?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. But compared to your boss, he's the poster boy for sanity.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Sales Call Sublimation (#9.12)" (2016)
Sheldon Cooper: Good news gentlemen! Amy's at a conference this weekend, which means I'm available to be entertained. As today's youth might put it, who wants to get their Sheld-on?
Howard Wolowitz: Bernie and I are getting the house ready for the remodel. We could always use an extra pair of hands.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, that sounds awful. Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: I've got time booked in the telescope room all weekend, scanning for rogue planets. You're more than welcome to join me.
Sheldon Cooper: That's the one to beat! Leonard?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, if anything, I'm trying to get my Sheld-off.
Sheldon Cooper: Well then, it looks like we have a winner. Congratulations.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, I should warn you, it's just looking at data for hours and hours on a computer screen.
Sheldon Cooper: Stop selling it kid, you won.

Penny Hofstadter: There's this doctor who refuses to see any sales reps. I'm trying to get in for months.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hm, did you try wearing the shirt I said was inappropriate for work?
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, the doctor's a woman. But... yes, because you never know.

Leonard Hofstadter: [about his mother] Do you know, she never let me celebrate my birthday because being born was her achievement, not mine.
Dr. Gallo: That's heartbreaking.
Leonard Hofstadter: Right. To this day I send her a card every year with a little money in it.

Leonard Hofstadter: What I'm hearing is that you feel that I sometimes take too long to express myself, and you wish I'd be more succinct.
Penny Hofstadter: You're only hearing that because I cannot roll my eyes any louder.
Leonard Hofstadter: I know. After we talked about my issues with my mother - nothing too deep, just how she ruined my life - I told her about you and your drug, she said she'd be happy to see you.
Penny Hofstadter: Really! You're the best husband ever.
[she hugs him]
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm. So you'll go to the Doctor Who convention with me next week?
Penny Hofstadter: I guess.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Thespian Catalyst (#4.14)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: I found another tweet from a student at Sheldon's lecture: "Dr. Cooper has taken a relatively boring subject and managed to make it completely insufferable. Plus, he looks like a giant insect."
Howard Wolowitz: Listen to this one: "Does Einstein's theory explain why time flies when you're having fun, but when you're listening to Dr. Cooper, it falls out of the sky dead?"

Penny: Hey Leonard, is your Wi-Fi down? I can't get on.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, Sheldon changed the password. It's now "Pennyisafreeloader". No spaces.

Raj Koothrappali: Somebody took pictures and uploaded them to their Flickr account.
Leonard Hofstadter: Wow. How do you get an entire lecture hall to flip you off at the same time?
Howard Wolowitz: Apparently, if you're Sheldon, all you need to do is turn your back.

Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, I'm not familiar with the acronym "KMN".
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, from the context, we think it means "Kill me now".


"The Big Bang Theory: The Launch Acceleration (#5.23)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: Well, that's it. My orders have been rescinded; I am officially no-go to space.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, Howard. But I gotta tell you, I'm a little relieved you're not going.
Howard Wolowitz: Why?
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, you were gonna go up in a rocket designed in the 1960s by the Russians.
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah, so?
Leonard Hofstadter: When was the last time you were at Best Buy and you heard someone say, "Ooh, check out this Blu-Ray player, it must be good, it was built in Russia."?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, their technology isn't that bad.
Raj Koothrappali: When you come back to Earth in a Soyuz capsule, you free fall, from space, at 500 miles per hour, and the only thing that slows you down is a little parachute that pops out right before you crash into the ground. And the whole thing was designed by the same brilliant minds who were unable to capture Rocky and Bullwinkle.
Howard Wolowitz: Right, well, whatever. I wasn't worried.
Raj Koothrappali: You weren't?
Howard Wolowitz: Let me explain the difference between you and me. You watch Star Trek; I live it.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, please, I don't remember the episode of Star Trek where the guy never goes to space, and brags about it in a tuxedo store.
Howard Wolowitz: Make all the jokes you want, but there's only one of us here brave enough to almost do what I almost did.
Sheldon Cooper: Ah, much better!
Leonard Hofstadter: You must be burning up
Sheldon Cooper: A little. But not more than your urethras will be after whatever's in those pants swims up them. Well, I cut quite the dashing yet hygienic figure, don't I? I look like The Flash, about to get married. Oh, a tissue! A tissue! Oh, good Lord!
[Runs outside]
Jimmy: Uh, where is he going?
Leonard Hofstadter: He keeps emergency Purell in the car.

Sheldon Cooper: [exiting change room] I'm going to need a larger shirt! This one's a little tight under the arms.
Jimmy: Okay.
[takes shirt]
Leonard Hofstadter: Do you think maybe it's tight because you're wearing long underwear?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, of course that's why it's tight.
Leonard Hofstadter: All right, let me rephrase the question. Why are you wearing long underwear?
Sheldon Cooper: You're kidding! Shouldn't the question be "Why *aren't* you?"
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it should be "Why are you?"
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, these rental tuxedos have been worn by *hundreds* of sweaty strangers. Yeah, I don't like my own sweat touching my skin; how do you think I feel about theirs?
Jimmy: Why don't you slip this on?
Sheldon Cooper: Said the hangman, offering a noose.
[returns to change room]
Raj Koothrappali: Well, that wasn't as entertaining as when he rents bowling shoes, but it was right up there.

Sheldon Cooper: Can I ask you a question about women?
Leonard Hofstadter: I got you that book last year; wasn't everything in there?
Sheldon Cooper: No. I'm having a relationship problem with Amy. And by the way, that book gave me nightmares.

[last lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [Amy is in a Star Trek tunic holding a medical tricorder near Sheldon] Hello, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing?
Amy Farrah Fowler: We're playing doctor... Star Trek style.
[winks]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm in hell, Leonard.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Amy] Don't stop.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Closure Alternative (#6.21)" (2013)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear! Penny, have you been recording shows on our DVR again?
Penny: No.
Sheldon Cooper: Answer honestly; this is not a trial. That'll come later.
Penny: Absolutely not.
[quietly to Leonard]
Penny: Help me out here; I can't afford another demerit.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, maybe we were hacked. You know, the Chinese have been hacking everything lately.
Sheldon Cooper: Why would the Chinese make our DVR record 'Paul Blart: Mall Cop'?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know... It's a fat guy on a Segway; that's funny everywhere.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm deleting it.
Penny: Well, hang on! Maybe the Chinese haven't finished watching it yet.

Penny: I've got you. I've got Sheldon. All these wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's a big deal.
Penny: It is, isn't it?
Leonard Hofstadter: So, does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and go to Comic-con?
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany, not a stroke

Penny: So I was thinking about how excited you get about stuff like Buffy or science or which TV remote you and Sheldon should buy.
Leonard Hofstadter: The Hominy one was fine. We didn't need to upgrade to the 1100 which he knows is too big for my hand.
Penny: You see that's the kind of passion I didn't think I had. But then I realize I'm passionate about you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ahh, my cute little tushie strikes again.
Penny: Well I'm serious .Look I always had these plans to be in the movies, to live this glamorous life and anything else in my life just wasn't worth getting excited about.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, those things can still happen.
Penny: Oh, obviously it's going to happen. A psychic at a bachelorette party told me so. Anyway what I meant was I shouldn't wait. You know, I got you. I got Sheldon. These wonderful friends. My life is exciting right now.
Leonard Hofstadter: Big deal.
Penny: It is, isn't it?
Leonard Hofstadter: So does that mean we get to do stuff like talk about cool shows or get dressed up in matching costumes and then go to Comic Con.
Penny: Leonard, I had an epiphany; not a stroke.

Penny: I feel sorry for whoever gets that phone call.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't be. If they didn't want to be yelled at by crazy nerds, they wouldn't have started a SyFy Channel.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Flaming Spittoon Acquisition (#5.10)" (2011)
Howard Wolowitz: You know, it's amazing people keep coming to comic book stores instead of just downloading the comics digitally.
Leonard Hofstadter: It's probably for the best. For a lot of these guys, the weekly trip here is the only chance their mom has to go down to the basement and change their sheets.
Howard Wolowitz: Oh, that reminds me, I get fresh sheets tonight, yay!

Stuart: Leonard, what's the deal with Sheldon's friend Amy? Are they a couple?
Leonard Hofstadter: A couple of weirdos. Why?

Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, can I talk to you about something? It's a little awkward.
Sheldon Cooper: I know what this is about. Given the professional stand still you're at, you're wondering if this is the appropriate time to abandon your research and focus on teaching.
[pauses]
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.

Raj Koothrappali: Stuart, help us settle an argument. Who would win in a fight, Billy the Kid or the White Wizard?
Stuart: I could tell you, but then I would be depriving you of the joy of finding out yourselves at the magical, rootin'-tootin' low price of $24.99.
Raj Koothrappali: I'll buy one.
Howard Wolowitz: Make that two.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate you both and myself. Make it three.
Stuart: [Walking to resgister] Like shooting nerds in a barrel.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Space Probe Disintegration (#8.12)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: We could go ice skating. The cold aggravates Leonard's allergies, and it plays on my fear of being run over by a zamboni.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're helping them find ways of making us miserable?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't help it, Leonard. I'm a problem solver, it's what I do.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I can't go ice skating. I have unnaturally brittle ankles.
Penny: Is there any part of you that's normal?
[Amy gives Penny a mischievous smile]

Leonard Hofstadter: Interesting. You accuse us of making you do things you don't like, but here you are doing the same thing to poor Amy.
Sheldon Cooper: You should point out the hypocrisy of that.
Leonard Hofstadter: I was.
Sheldon Cooper: Then you should have made it clearer. Maybe throw in a "How do you like them apples, Missy?"

Leonard Hofstadter: [sitting on the department store while the girls shop] This isn't so bad.
Sheldon Cooper: Easy for you to say. You're not facing the lingerie section. So many panties!

Leonard Hofstadter: Bad news. There's no signal.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, there were plenty of things to do before cell phones. I'll look them up.
[Pulls out phone before realizing]
Sheldon Cooper: Son of a biscuit!
Leonard Hofstadter: Just let it go.
Sheldon Cooper: What king of store doesn't have wifi? I'm calling their corporate offices - Son of a biscuit!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Dead Hooker Juxtaposition (#2.19)" (2009)
Rajesh Koothrappali: I like Green Lantern, I'm just saying it's pretty lame that he can be defeated by the color yellow.
Sheldon: Only the modern Green Lantern is vulnerable to yellow.
Leonard: Golden Age Green Lantern was vulnerable to wood.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Great. So I can take them both out with a number 2 pencil?

Penny: OK, honey, did you even know the people that are moving out?
Sheldon: I've never met them, that's what made them perfect. There were no awkward hellos in the halls, there's no clickety-clacking of high-heeled shoes on hardwood floors... they may as well have been a family of cats just jumping around from drape to drape... and without that annoying ammonia urine smell.
Penny: Well, I'm sure the new people will be just as quiet.
Sheldon: You can't know that! How can you possibly know that?
Penny: You're right, I can't. You know what, anyone could rent that apartment now. An opera singer, the cast of Stomp... yeah, a tap dancing pirate with a wooden leg.
Leonard: Why are you making it worse?
Penny: I tried making it better, he wouldn't go for it.

Leonard: [Sheldon shakes one of the boxes of the new tenant] What are you doing?
Sheldon: I'm checking for musical instruments.
[Shakes the box again]
Sheldon: Does that sound like castanets to you?
Leonard: The box says "kitchen".
Sheldon: So? Do cocaine smugglers write "cocaine" on the box?

Howard Wolowitz: [Penny and Alicia are physically fighting] Oh, my God... girl fight!
[Restrains Leonard]
Leonard: What are you doing?
Howard Wolowitz: I know you. You are stupid enough to break it up.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Spell Potential (#6.23)" (2013)
Amy Farrah Fowler, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Penny: [chanting in a cab] Vegas! Vegas! Vegas!
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: [chanting in Leonard & Sheldon's living room] The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega! The dungeon of Mabusdahega!

Howard Wolowitz: The girls are away, so the boys will play!
Raj Koothrappali: Anything could happen!
Leonard Hofstadter: It's gonna get crazy in here!
Sheldon Cooper: [Hoisting box over his head] Dungeons and Dragons!

Leonard Hofstadter: See? I told you Howard was as good a Dungeon Master as me.
Sheldon Cooper: As good? You just got pantsed in the schoolyard, four-eyes!

Penny: Who wants drinks?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, we don't drink alcohol during Dungeons and Dragons. It impairs our judgement.
Penny: This isn't alcohol, it's a magic potion that makes me like you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Double potion, please.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Relationship Diremption (#7.20)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: I got to tell you the more I read about the primordial gravity wave discovery the more excited I get.
Raj Koothrappali: I know. Being an astrophysicist right now is like being a rock star.
Howard Wolowitz: Only without the sex.

Leonard Hofstadter: [In the morning Sheldon walks in with a GEOLOGY book] How you feeling?
Sheldon Cooper: Not so good.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you going to introduce me to your friend?
Sheldon Cooper: It's not my friend. Nothing happened.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. I heard you reading pretty loud last night.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh dear lord. Where's Amy?
Leonard Hofstadter: After she put you to bed, she went home.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I should call her and apologize. Oh no.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Apparently, I called Stephen Hawking last night.

Leonard Hofstadter: What about loop quantum gravity?
Sheldon Cooper: [High-pitched voice] Ooh, Duchess, look at me! My quantum gravity is positively loopy!
Penny: Who's the duchess?
Leonard Hofstadter: One of the people that lives in his head.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Penny is about to give Sheldon a haircut] Are you sure you want to do this?
Sheldon Cooper: The magazine article suggests that one of the ways to get over a breakup is a new look.
Leonard Hofstadter: What about your old look? Well groomed ventriloquist doll.
Penny: [moving Sheldon's arm as if he's a ventriloquist's dummy] Oh, my God. I do look like that!
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, stop it!
Penny: So how do you want me to cut it?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, how 'bout Bill Gates meets Nikola Tesla?
Leonard Hofstadter: So, business in the front, science in the back!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Peanut Reaction (#1.16)" (2008)
Leonard: Look, I am in the "Halo" battle of my life here! There's this kid in Copenhagen; he has no immune system, so all he does is sit in his bubble and play "Halo" 24-7.
Howard Wolowitz: Can't you play him some other time?
Leonard: Not if you believe his doctors.

Leonard: [why he doesn't celebrate his birthday] It's just the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.

Leonard: How did you know my birthday's Saturday?
Penny: I did your horoscope, remember? I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
Sheldon Cooper: For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who, in 1948, proved conclusively through meticulously designed experiments that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Penny: Blah, blah, blah, a typical Taurus.

Leonard: I don't celebrate my birthday
Penny: Shut up. Yeah, you do.
Leonard: It's no big deal. It's the way I was raised. My parents focused on celebrating achievements and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
Penny: That's so silly.
Sheldon: It's actually based on very sound theories. His mother published a paper on it.
Penny: Well, what was it called? "l Hate My Son and That's Why He Can't Have Cake"?
Sheldon: It was obviously effective. Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist. Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Russian Rocket Reaction (#5.5)" (2011)
Stuart: [negotiating with Leonard and Sheldon for a sword] 225. That's my final offer.
Sheldon Cooper: [to Leonard] Take it, take it, take it!
Leonard Hofstadter: 200.
Stuart: Man, you're killing me!
Sheldon Cooper: Killing you? I can't breathe!

Leonard Hofstadter: 210, and you throw in the Iron Man helmet.
Stuart: Are you crazy? That helmet's signed by Robert Downey Jr.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Stuart: Okay, if you're gonna question the importance of an actor's signature on a plastic helmet from a movie based on a comic book, then all of our lives have no meaning!

Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, Sheldon, we're going to Wil's. This is your last chance!
Sheldon Cooper: No, Leonard, this is your last chance. One day a historian is going to come to you and say: Is it true that you were friends with Dr. Sheldon Cooper? And you're going to have to choke back a hot sob of regret and humiliation as you mumble: I was... but I chose to go to a party thrown by the one kid from "Stand By Me" that no one remembers.

Sheldon Cooper: If we were starting a sword collection, I would start with Excalibur. You could rule England with it.
Leonard Hofstadter: It would be a plastic replica of a movie prop.
Sheldon Cooper: You could rule a replica of England with it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Wheaton Recurrence (#3.19)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: Could we please talk about something else? Maybe something vaguely related to life as we know it on this planet?
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, how about this for a topic: Why is Leonard being a giant douche? Assuming giant douches are possible.
Sheldon Cooper: Of course they are. Leonard's being one.

Sheldon Cooper: Penny, reminder. Bowling, tonight at seven o'clock.
Penny: Oh, right. Bowling.
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, you don't have to come if you don't want to.
Penny: No, no, it's okay. I mean, let's face it, you guys would get creamed without me.
Sheldon Cooper: We would indeed. In this particular case your lack of femininity works to our advantage.
Penny: Always nice chatting with you, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Sarcasm?
Penny: Thinly-veiled contempt.
Sheldon Cooper: Remember: seven o'clock!
Penny: Got it!
Sheldon Cooper: Pacific Daylight Time.
Penny: Bite me!

[first lines]
Penny: Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, I'm good. If my P.E. teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
[chuckles]
Penny: Do or do not. There is no try.
Leonard Hofstadter: Did you just quote Star Wars?
Penny: I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, my God. I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
[they kiss]
Leonard Hofstadter: I love you, Penny.
Penny: [pause] Oh. Oh. Thank you.
Leonard Hofstadter: You're welcome. I just wanted to put that out there.
Penny: Oh, yeah, no, I, I'm, I'm glad.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good. Good; glad is good.
Penny: Yeah. Ahem. No, no. Um. So, it's getting pretty late. We should probably go to sleep.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: Okay.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah.
Penny: Hmm.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, probably.
Penny: OK. Good night, sweetie.
Leonard Hofstadter: Good night.
[They kiss, then Penny rolls over and stares wide-eyed]

Penny: Leonard, stop pressuring me.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not pressuring you.
Penny: Yeah, you are! Just back off!
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, I'm sorry. I'll shut up.
Penny: I didn't mean shut up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Fine. Just tell me what to do, and I'll do it.
Penny: No. That isn't fair to you, Leonard. I'm sorry.
[she heads for the door]
Sheldon Cooper: Wait! Where are you going? Penny, come back! I'll get you ice cream!
Leonard Hofstadter: No, let her go.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you insane? If she leaves, it's over!
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm pretty sure it's already over.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Application Deterioration (#9.18)" (2016)
Penny Hofstadter: Hang on, what if Sheldon had no choice but to be respectful?
Leonard Hofstadter: Is there a switch on the back of his neck we don't know about?

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: OK, I gotta ask: why are you wearing a bow tie?
Sheldon Cooper: I've never applied for a patent before; I wanted to make a good impression.
Howard Wolowitz: The impression that your first name is Pee-wee?
[Leonard laughs]
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, well, you're an engineer. End of joke. Burn.
Tim: Come on in, fellows.
Howard Wolowitz: See, he's not wearing a tie.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, he's a patent attorney; maybe his tie is pending.

Howard Wolowitz: Can you imagine if we make money with this?
Leonard Hofstadter: If we do, I am splurging on the best sinus irrigator money can buy.
Howard Wolowitz: That old sad story: a guy gets a little money, it goes straight up his nose.

Howard Wolowitz: This contract looks good to me.
Sheldon Cooper: I'll say it looks good. It's in my proprietary font, Shelvetica.
Leonard Hofstadter: I want to say something obnoxious, but it is easy on the eyes.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Adhesive Duck Deficiency (#3.8)" (2009)
Rajesh Koothrappali: If I could speak the language of rabbits, they would be amazed and I would be their king.
Leonard Hofstadter: I hate my name. It has "nerd" in it. Len-nerd.
Howard Wolowitz: I lost my virginity to my cousin Jeannie.
Rajesh Koothrappali: I would be kind to my rabbit subjects... at first.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what's a cool name? Angelo. That has "angel" and "jello" in it.
Howard Wolowitz: It was my uncle Murray's funeral. We were all back at my aunt Barbara's house. Our eyes locked over the pickled herring. We never meant for it to happen!
Rajesh Koothrappali: One day, I hold a great ball for the President of France, but the rabbits they hate me and don't come. I'm embarrassed so I eat all the lettuce in the world and make them watch.
Leonard Hofstadter: People could call me Angie. Yo, Angie! How's it goin'?
Howard Wolowitz: To this day, I can't look at pickled herring without being aroused and ashamed.
[sighs]
Howard Wolowitz: Cousin Jeannie.

Leonard Hofstadter: I can feel it. I can feel the Earth moving! It's moving too fast! Raj! Slow it down!
[Raj strains]
Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, how's that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Better. Thanks.

[first lines]
Howard Wolowitz: How much time do we have?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, T minus five hours thirty-seven minutes to onset of meteor shower.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Okay, our position is thirty-four point forty-eight degrees north, a hundred and eighteen point thirty-one west; that means the azimuth should be a hundred and sixty-eight point twenty-two degrees relative to magnetic north with an elevation of forty-nine point nighty-three.
Howard Wolowitz: Anything yet?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh, we have a signal but there's no frame lock.
Howard Wolowitz: Hang on. How 'bout... now?
Rajesh Koothrappali: We did it. We have the west coast feed of HBO.
Howard Wolowitz: Mmm, Real Sex.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Big deal. Every time I watch that show it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.

Leonard Hofstadter: I wish Penny didn't have to work; she loves camping.
Rajesh Koothrappali: Yeah, that would've been great: you and Penny having sex in the tent while I sit out here and watch Howard hump a cactus.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Graduation Transmission (#8.22)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, we should leave in about an hour. You all packed?
Penny: Uh, yeah, I just need to throw in a few last-minute things. You know, makeup, underwear, clothes.

Sheldon Cooper: Aren't you afraid of being blinded?
Leonard Hofstadter: How would I be blinded?
Sheldon Cooper: At the end of the ceremony, all the students throw those pointy hats in the air. It's all pomp and circumstance until someone loses an eye.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'll take my chances.
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. I wonder if they make "I told you so" cards in Braille.

Penny: I've never been to New Jersey before.
Leonard Hofstadter: It gets a bad rap from shows like Jersey Shore and Real Housewives.
Penny: So it's not really like that?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's like that.

Penny: Think we'll have time to visit your mom while we're there?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes. We'll also have time to put my junk in a garlic press, but I'm not doing that either.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Beta Test Initiation (#5.14)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, I've got a gunshot wound. That's pretty badass.
Penny: No, you've got a Reebok with a gunshot wound and an ouchie on your pinky toe.

Penny: That was a really nice dinner. I'm glad you asked me out again,
Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. I missed you.
Penny: You see me all the time. You sure you just don't miss the sex?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well... yeah, sex with you is pretty great; have you ever tried it?
Penny: I have; you are not wrong.

Penny: It was nice having dinner with you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks. I missed seeing you.
Penny: We see each other every day. Or do you miss the sex?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, sex with you is pretty great. Have you tried it?
Penny: I have, and you are not wrong.

Leonard Hofstadter: Atta boy, Hofstatdter. Nothing gets the ladies hotter than software development analogies.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Gothowitz Deviation (#3.3)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm just saying, you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon Cooper: You can catch even more flies with manure; what's your point?

Leonard Hofstadter: OK. I know what you're doing.
Sheldon Cooper: Really?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, you're using chocolates as positive reinforcement for what you consider correct behaviour.
Sheldon Cooper: Very good. Chocolate?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Talking about how Sheldon deals with Penny] All I'm saying is that you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.
Sheldon Cooper: You can catch even more flies with manure. What's your point?

Leonard Hofstadter: No, I don't want any chocolate! Sheldon, you can't train my girlfriend like a lab rat.
Sheldon Cooper: Actually, it turns out I can.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, you shouldn't.
Sheldon Cooper: There's just no pleasing you, is there, Leonard? You weren't happy with my previous approach to dealing with her, so I decided to employ operant conditioning techniques, building on the work of Thorndike and B.F. Skinner. By this time next week, I believe I can have her jumping out of a pool, balancing a beach ball on her nose.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, this has to stop now.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm not suggesting we really make her jump out of a pool. I thought the "bazinga" was implied. I'm just tweaking her personality, sanding off the rough edges if you will.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, you're not sanding Penny.
Sheldon Cooper: Are you saying that I'm forbidden from applying a harmless, scientifically valid protocol that will make our lives better?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes, you're forbidden.
Sheldon Cooper: [Squirts him] Bad Leonard.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bus Pants Utilization (#4.12)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: You know how we're always having to stop and solve differential equations, like when you're doing Fourier analysis or using the Schrödinger equation?
Sheldon Cooper: Howard doesn't, he's only an engineer.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, Leonard, that's actually a valid idea. Very good.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can you say that and not make it sound like I'm a cat who learned how to use the toilet?
Sheldon Cooper: No. The two achievements are equally surprising and equally admirable. Though if pressed, I'd have to give a slight edge to the cat.

Sheldon Cooper: I suppose I'll go put on my bus pants.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell are bus pants?
Sheldon Cooper: They are pants one wears over one's regular pants when one sits on bus seats that other people have previously sat on.

Leonard Hofstadter: [fed up with Sheldon trying to take over the app project] Okay, you're fired.
Sheldon Cooper: Really? Why?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Zazzy Substitution (#4.3)" (2010)
Amy Farrah Fowler: In a world where rhinoceroses are domesticated pets, who wins the Second World War?
Sheldon Cooper: Uganda.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Defend.
Sheldon Cooper: Kenya rises to power on the export of rhinoceroses. A central African power block is formed, colonizing North Africa and Europe. When war breaks out, no one can afford the luxury of a rhino. Kenya withers, Uganda triumphs.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Correct. My turn.
Sheldon Cooper: In a world where a piano is a weapon, not a musical instrument, on what does Scott Joplin play the "Maple Leaf Rag"?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Tuned bayonets.
Sheldon Cooper: Defend.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Isn't it obvious?
Sheldon Cooper: You're right. My apologies.
Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell are you guys playing?

Sheldon Cooper: In a world where mankind is ruled by a giant intelligent beaver, what food is no longer consumed?
Leonard Hofstadter: Uh... a BLT where the B stands for beaver? I don't know.
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard, be serious. We're playing a game here.
Leonard Hofstadter: I can figure this out, let's see. Um... well, beavers eat tree bark. The only tree bark I know that humans consume is cinnamon, so I'll say cinnamon.
Sheldon Cooper: Incorrect. Obviously, the answer is cheese Danish.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Amy Farrah Fowler: In a world ruled by a giant beaver, mankind builds many dams to please the beaver overlord. The low-lying city of Copenhagen is flooded, thousands die. Devastated, the Danes never invent their namesake pastry. How does one miss that?

Amy Farrah Fowler: Perhaps it would be kinder to play a game more suited to his abilities. We'll close our eyes and count to ten while you hide.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to my room.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Very good, Leonard. But next time, don't tell us where you're hiding.

Leonard Hofstadter: Cats, Sheldon. You're clearly upset about Amy being gone, and you're trying to replace her with a bunch of cats.
Sheldon Cooper: Clowder.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: A group of cats is a clowder. Or a glaring.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, yeah, fine.
Sheldon Cooper: It's the kind of thing you ought to know now that we have one.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Love Car Displacement (#4.13)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Leonard, could I ask you a question?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you bothered by the fact that your former girlfriend left the symposium with what is probably the most beautiful man I've ever seen in my life?
Leonard Hofstadter: No. Why do you ask?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Because we are going 120 miles per hour.

Sheldon Cooper: [turns on the light] Please tell me you're not having coitus.
Penny: We are not having coitus.
Sheldon Cooper: And you can guarantee that it won't happen at any time during the night?
Penny: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: No.

Leonard Hofstadter: So, how do you wanna do this?
Penny: Well, I'm not getting in bed with him.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah, it is a little like getting into Dracula's coffin.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Clean Room Infiltration (#8.11)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: How do we catch it?
Howard Wolowitz: What if we turn off all the lights except for one and it'll come to it?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's not a moth!

Leonard Hofstadter: You know what I love about the clean room? No allergies.
[Takes deep breath]
Leonard Hofstadter: Whoa, that's a lot of oxygen.

Leonard Hofstadter: You can't catch a pigeon with a Slim Jim and a garbage bag.
[Pigeon dives in and takes the jerky off Leonard's hand]
Raj Koothrappali: Should have put it in the bag, dude.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hot Troll Deviation (#4.4)" (2010)
Leonard Hofstadter: So Howard and Bernadette agreed to discuss it over coffee.
Sheldon Cooper: Quick question.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yes.
Sheldon Cooper: Why are you telling me all this?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. I guess your movements are so life-like I sometimes forget you're not a real boy.

Howard Wolowitz: How am I gonna play this? Sophisticated and relaxed? Friendly, noncommittal? Cold and distant?
[Bernadette turns around. Howard dives under the table]
Bernadette: [as she walks by the table] Hi guys.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey.
Sheldon Cooper: Hello.
[peers under the table]
Sheldon Cooper: I see you decided to go with pathetic and frightened.
Raj Koothrappali: It's one of his best moves.

Leonard Hofstadter: [Walking by Sheldon's office door] My God, what is that smell?
[Knocks on the door-Sheldon emerges wearing a gasmask]
Sheldon Cooper: Yes?
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you doing in there?
Sheldon Cooper: I'm making hydrogen sulfide and ammonia gas. Just a little experiment in pest control.
Raj Koothrappali: [Raj emerges from the office] That's not gonna work, dude, I grew up in India: an entire sub-continent where cows walk in the street and nobody has ever had a solid bowel movement.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, we'll just see how long you can hold out.
Raj Koothrappali: Well, we'll just see how you noxious gas fares against my cinnamon-apple scented aromatherapy candles.
[Retreats into the office. Sheldon turns to Leonard and shakes his head]
Leonard Hofstadter: Didn't you saw you're making hydrogen sulfide gas?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: Isn't that flammable?
Sheldon Cooper: Highly.
[Leonard looks at him with raised eyebrows]
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, dear.
Raj Koothrappali: [There is a flash and a bang from inside the office. Leonard and Sheldon step back quickly. Raj emerges blackened and dishevelled with a parakeet in a cage] This is not over.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pulled Groin Extrapolation (#5.3)" (2011)
Amy Farrah Fowler: Would you like to dance?
Leonard Hofstadter: No, thank you, I'm not really much of a dancer.
Amy Farrah Fowler: You're not exactly winning any trophies as a conversationalist either.

Amy Farrah Fowler: Leonard, you may not have noticed, but I am being a delight here. And you're not holding up your end of the evening.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry. The wedding just reminds me of my kind of-sort of-girlfriend 9000 miles away.
Amy Farrah Fowler: I have a kind-of sort-of boyfriend who's playing with a model train right now, you don't hear me bitching about it.

Leonard Hofstadter: [sarcastically] You sound like you had a great night.
Sheldon Cooper: I did! How was yours?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not bad. I had a lot more fun with Amy than I thought I would.
Sheldon Cooper: What exactly do you mean by that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, turns out she really knows how to help a guy loosen up and have a good time. Although, truth be told, my groin is a little worse for wear.
[Sheldon hits Leonard in the shoulder with his model train]
Leonard Hofstadter: OW! Why did you do that?
Sheldon Cooper: To send you a message. She is not for you!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: NOT FOR YOU!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotion Interruption (#8.1)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks for coming with me. It would have been a lonely six hour drive by myself.
Amy Farrah Fowler: No problem. And I'm not angry at all that my boyfriend was in trouble and called you instead of me. I LOVE that!
Leonard Hofstadter: Gonna be a long six hours.

Sheldon Cooper: You know, Sherlock Holmes liked to use cocaine to sharpen his focus. But I'm sure those Cool Ranch Doritos do the trick.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. Leonard. Oh. I'm so happy to see you.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Are you okay?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh. I'm fine. Why did you come?
Amy Farrah Fowler: What do you mean why did I come? You're my boyfriend. I haven't seen you in over a month. I just drove six hours to help you out. Don't you have anything to say besides, "Why did you come?"
Sheldon Cooper: I do, but... I feel uncomfortable saying it out loud in front of these police officers.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Fine. Whisper it.
Sheldon Cooper: Shotgun!

Penny: Wanna do yoga with me?
Leonard Hofstadter: Let me have some coffee first, so I can have the strenght to tell you how much I don't want to do that.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Platonic Permutation (#9.9)" (2015)
Penny Hofstadter: Wow, look at us. Our first Thanksgiving together as husband and wife.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yeah. I feel so grown up.
Penny Hofstadter: Honey, you are grown up.
Leonard Hofstadter: How many adults do you know that have Mr. Spock oven mitts?

Penny Hofstadter: Who's my favorite Spice Girl?
Leonard Hofstadter: Baby.
Penny Hofstadter: Who's my favorite member of N*SYNC?
Leonard Hofstadter: Justin.
Penny Hofstadter: Who's my favorite Backstreet Boy?
Leonard Hofstadter: Nice try, it's N*SYNC forever.

Leonard Hofstadter: So how did it go with Amy?
Sheldon Cooper: Fine. It's comforting to know that Amy and I can still be friends.
Penny Hofstadter: That's good. I could never be friends with any of my exes.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I'm sure you and Leonard can pull it off.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Monster Isolation (#6.17)" (2013)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, Amy, what's going on with your addiction study?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Sadly, I'm no longer associated with that project.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? What happened?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Typical bureaucratic nonsense. You can get animals addicted to a harmful substance, you can dissect their brains, but you throw their own feces back at them, and suddenly you're unprofessional.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry... that I asked.

[last lines]
Penny: [Penny is performing on stage in A Streetcar Named Desire as Blanche DuBois] You love her very much, don't you?
Tom: Yes.
Penny: I think you have great capacity for devotion. You'll be lonely when she passes on, won't you? I understand what that is.
Tom: To be lonely?
Leonard Hofstadter: She's pretty good, huh?
Sheldon Cooper: She is, but when do they get to the part about streetcars?
Penny: ...when I was a very young girl. When I was sixteen years old I made the discovery. Love. All at once and much, much too completely. It was like you suddenly turned a blinding light on something that had always been half a shadow. That's how it struck the world for me. But I was unlucky. Deluded.
Sheldon Cooper: She's remarkable.
Leonard Hofstadter: She really is.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Our Penny's a star.
Sheldon Cooper: How can she remember all those lines, but as a waitress she can't remember "no tomato" on my hamburger?

Howard Wolowitz: I'm telling you, something's wrong. I can always feel it when Raj is in trouble.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Jeez. How close were you guys before we got married?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't look under that rock.


"The Big Bang Theory: The First Pitch Insufficiency (#8.3)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: He's practicing.
Penny: For what?
Howard Wolowitz: The Angels wanted an astronaut to throw out the first pitch, so guess who they called?
Penny: What, you? Really?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, a lot of people who weren't available, but then me!

Leonard Hofstadter: I've seen you two sit next to each other doing different things.
Sheldon Cooper: It's called parallel play.
Leonard Hofstadter: Toddlers do that.
Sheldon Cooper: Not as well as we do.

Leonard Hofstadter: A relationship is not something you can quantify.
Sheldon Cooper: Everything is quantifiable. This french fry? A seven. Spider-Man? A nine. The number nine? Oddly enough, a four.
Leonard Hofstadter: How ridiculous is he?
Penny: A hundred.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Commitment Determination (#8.24)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: That was really intense.
Penny: Well, now we know, next time we go to the farmers' market, the order is petting zoo first, then buy vegetables.

Leonard Hofstadter: I'm going to guess that your main concern is the time commitment of watching an entire season of a new show.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no, not just a season. If I'm in, I'm in for the whole run, even if the quality declines.
Leonard Hofstadter: I get it. Smallville almost wrecked you.
Sheldon Cooper: Exactly. You know, I waited ten years to see a guy everyone knows can fly, fly.

Leonard Hofstadter: It's not just the date. We haven't talked about anything. Big wedding, small wedding, indoor, outdoor...
Sheldon Cooper: Outdoor? Oh. I can RSVP no right now.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Decoupling Fluctuation (#6.2)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, I had to take Sheldon to the dentist this morning.
Penny: Really.
Leonard Hofstadter: Yup. I told him if he didn't bite the hygienist, I'd take him for ice cream.
Penny: Mm.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't have to take him for ice cream.

Sheldon Cooper: There's something I need to tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: 'Kay.
Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why?
Sheldon Cooper: I can't tell you why I can't tell you. So I guess there's two things I can't tell you.
Leonard Hofstadter: I wish there were more.

Sheldon Cooper: [at Leonard's bedroom door]
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
[knock, knock, knock]
Sheldon Cooper: Leonard!
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Sheldon Cooper: Are you sleeping?
Leonard Hofstadter: I was. Now I'm having a nightmare.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Mystery Date Observation (#9.8)" (2015)
[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: I think it's so adorable you're making Sheldon breakfast.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, he's having a rough time. Amy broke his heart. The DVR cut off the last minute of Dr. Who. That crow followed him home.
Penny Hofstadter: Aren't you worried you're making french toast on oatmeal day?
Leonard Hofstadter: Ah, well, what's this? A pot of oatmeal, or, thanks to you, what I will now call gloatmeal.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I don't want credit for that.

Leonard Hofstadter: Are you done yet? I have to go to the bathroom.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: [Hands Leonard a bottle] Right here.

Leonard Hofstadter: I can't understand why we're going to the movie so early.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I forgot to tell you. We're dropping by the restaurant first to spy on Amy's date.
Leonard Hofstadter: What? I don't want to do that!
Penny Hofstadter: And I don't want to watch a movie about aluminum cans.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, it's the movie Big Soda doesn't want you to see.
Penny Hofstadter: It's the movie your wife doesn't want you to see.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Vengeance Formulation (#3.9)" (2009)
Howard Wolowitz: [about Bernadette] She wants a commitment, and I'm not sure she's my type.
Penny: She agreed to go out with you for free; what more do you need?
Howard Wolowitz: Look, Bernadette is really nice; I just always thought when I finally settle down and do a relationship it would be with someone, you know... different.
Penny: Different how?
Howard Wolowitz: Well, you know... more like Megan Fox from 'Transformers'. Or Katee Sackhoff from 'Battlestar Galactica'.
Penny: Are you high?
Leonard Hofstadter: You'd have a better shot with the three-breasted Martian hooker from 'Total Recall'.
Howard Wolowitz: Okay, now you're just being unrealistic. Anyway, that movie was like twenty years ago; imagine how *saggy* those things would be.

Howard Wolowitz: Hey, did either of you guys know that three dates with the same woman is the threshold for sex?
Raj Koothrappali: Actually, I've never had three dates with the same woman.
Leonard Hofstadter: With Penny and me it took two years! Now that I think about it that was three dates.

Raj Koothrappali: Is that the president of the university?
Leonard Hofstadter: And the board of directors! Abort, abort!
Sheldon Cooper: There is no abort.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why not?
Sheldon Cooper: I made a boo-boo, okay.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Positive Negative Reaction (#9.16)" (2016)
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm, uh... uuh going to be a father.
Leonard Hofstadter, Raj Koothrappali: Congratulations.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, no!
Leonard Hofstadter: Why 'oh no'?
Sheldon Cooper: Because this *changes* everything. What about comic-book night? What about playing games together? What about our trips to Disneyland? How can we do those things with a child around?
Leonard Hofstadter: Relax; there's room for two babies in this group.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, dear Lor- Penny's pregnant too?
Leonard Hofstadter: You're the other baby.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, really? OK, well, would a baby have to shave once every eleven days?
Leonard Hofstadter: Would an adult refuse to eat his Graham crackers because one of them was broken?
Sheldon Cooper: I guess we'll call this a draw.

Raj Koothrappali: I'd like to propose a toast to our friend Howard, his um his big heart, his beautiful soul...
Leonard Hofstadter: and his tight little pants that somehow did not make him sterile.

[last lines]
Penny Hofstadter: That was such a fun night.
Leonard Hofstadter: Probably cause you got to see your man up there rocking the mike.
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah, yeah. I was a little surprised when you decided to beat box.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, that was really an asthma attack; I just sold it.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I am so happy for Howard and Bernadette.
Leonard Hofstadter: Me too. So, you ever think about it?
Penny Hofstadter: Babies? I'm not in a rush, but someday, yeah, sure. What about you?
Leonard Hofstadter: I think we'd make amazing parents.
Sheldon Cooper: Will you guys keep it down?
[Sheldon is sprawled on the couch, a beard, moustache, glasses and Harry Potter scar drawn on his face]
Penny Hofstadter: On the other hand, we might lack a certain maturity.
[She picks up a magic marker]
Penny Hofstadter: .


"The Big Bang Theory: The Santa Simulation (#6.11)" (2012)
Stuart: I don't remember you buying these miniatures in my store.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, uhl, yeah, I got 'em on Amazon.
Stuart: Sure, I get it. Why support a friend when you can support a multinational conglomerate that is crushing the life out of that friend?
Leonard Hofstadter: I know, but when I shop online I can do it on the toilet.
Stuart: Have you seen my store? The whole place is a toilet.

[first lines]
Penny: [reading directions] OK now, holding sides of hearth in position, lower mantelpiece assembly onto top tabs.
Leonard Hofstadter: I consider I built a fireplace with my own two hands.
Penny: You're so butch.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I got a little paper cut.
Penny: Of course you did; your hands are softer than veal.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, uh, before I forget: Saturday I'm planning a little Dungeons and Dragons night with the guys.
Penny: Really! That's how you're going to spend your Saturday night?
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, I hardly ever get a chance to play any more.
Penny: Oh you poor thing. Is having a real-life girlfriend who has sex with you getting in the way of your board games?
Leonard Hofstadter: A little bit, yeah.

Penny: See you, boys, we're going drinking.
Raj Koothrappali: Wait, can I come with you? My character died.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sorry, Raj, it's girls' night out.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Maybe another time.
[Penny, Bernadette, and Amy leave]
Leonard Hofstadter: [continuing the game] Okay.
Penny: [sticking her head back into the apartment] Come on.
Raj Koothrappali: [leaping off the couch] Girls' night! Girls' night! Woo! Woo!
[the apartment door closes behind Penny and Raj]
Stuart: How does he not hear that?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Line Substitution Solution (#9.23)" (2016)
[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: [Sheldon holds up a flash card] Helium.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
[Penny holds up a picture flash card]
Sheldon Cooper: Taylor Swift.
Penny Hofstadter: Yes.
[Sheldon holds up another card]
Penny Hofstadter: Pi.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes.
[Penny holds up another picture]
Sheldon Cooper: Kardashian.
Penny Hofstadter: More specific.
Sheldon Cooper: [after a pause] Khloé?
Penny Hofstadter: Yes!
Sheldon Cooper: Ah! See, I remember because if it looks like Kim, it's Kim; if it looks kinda like Kim, it's Kourtney; if it looks nothing like Kim, it's Khloé.
Penny Hofstadter: [Sheldon holds up another card] Oh, that's a venn diagram. And I remember because I thought to myself: 'Venn is he going to stop talking about this diagram?'
[Leonard enters]
Leonard Hofstadter: What are you guys doing?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, well, we decided to use our breakfast time to expand our respective knowledge bases.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hnh. Let me try.
[Sheldon and Penny each hold up a card]
Leonard Hofstadter: Atom of hydrogen; Adam of Maroon 5; mike drop.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm sorry, who is Mike Drop?

Penny Hofstadter: You really want me to pick up your mother all by myself?
Leonard Hofstadter: I just feel like it would be a good chance for you to bond.
Penny Hofstadter: Or a way for you to avoid her?
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know what he is putting on those cards, but you are smarter than ever.

Sheldon Cooper: Bad news. Amy's making me go shopping with her later, so... looks like none of us can go.
Leonard Hofstadter: You do realize we're allowed to have fun without you,
Howard Wolowitz: In fact, that's usually the trick to it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Separation Oscillation (#9.2)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, after all these years, I still feel like maybe I don't deserve you.
Penny Hofstadter: Okay, that is the lamest excuse you could have possibly come up with. But I get it.
Leonard Hofstadter: You do?
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah. Sometimes I worry I'm gonna wake up, and you're going to leave me for someone like you.

Leonard Hofstadter: I've loved you since the moment we met, and I'll love you until the end of time.

Howard Wolowitz: Why are marine biologists always so cute?
Raj Koothrappali: I don't know, but I'd like to get lost in her Bermuda Triangle.
Leonard Hofstadter: That's not helpful.
Howard Wolowitz: Then I won't say I'd like to cover three quarters of her surface area.
Leonard Hofstadter: Are you done?
Raj Koothrappali: Not yet, this is fun! Ooh, I know... I'd let her free my Willy.
[Leonard gets up]
Raj Koothrappali: Where are you going?
Leonard Hofstadter: Going to ask her if she'd be willing to talk to Penny. Tell her she has nothing to worry about.
Howard Wolowitz: Leonard wait.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Howard Wolowitz: I'd like to spongebob her squarepants.
Raj Koothrappali: Now we are done.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Wiggly Finger Catalyst (#5.4)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: I actually have information about Raj that would be helpful with this discussion.
[continues to eat, without further explanation. The others looks curiously at him]
Leonard Hofstadter: Could you tell us...?
Sheldon Cooper: Let's see...
[rolls dice]
Sheldon Cooper: Snake eyes. Sorry, bud.
Penny: Hang on... Doubles. Roll again.
Sheldon Cooper: [rolls again] Okay, get this. It doesn't matter if he's showering her with gifts. Because the Koothrappali's are vastly wealthy.
Penny: What do you mean, "vastly wealthy"?
Sheldon Cooper: Well, wealthy means a lot of money, and vastly means even more. I'm not sure what's tripping you up.

Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I know they have money. But I don't think it's that much.
Sheldon Cooper: No, you're wrong. See, as you know, a few years ago I achieved one of my lesser dreams and became a notary public. From time to time I noterized banking documents for Raj. The Koothrappalis aren't just rich. They're Richie Rich rich.
Penny: So how much is that?
Sheldon Cooper: About halfway between Bruce Wayne and Scrooge McDuck.

Penny: Mustache is looking good there, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: Don't thank me, thank the dice. They told me what percentage of my face to shave.
Howard Wolowitz: Why are you still doing this?
Sheldon Cooper: Because it's working. In the past few weeks, unburdened by trivial decisions, I have co-authored two papers in notable peer review journals, and I'm close to figuring out why the Large Hadron Collider has yet to isolate the Higgs boson particle.
Leonard Hofstadter: You forgot to mention got chafed testicles because you no longer wear underpants.
Sheldon Cooper: The dice giveth and the dice taketh away.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Gorilla Dissolution (#7.23)" (2014)
Penny: There's no reason why I shouldn't be the best bisexual go-go dancer slowly transforming into a killer gorilla that anyone has ever seen.
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't know. The bisexual killer gorilla go-go dancer in "Schindler's List" is tough to beat.
Sheldon Cooper: It's funny, because a killer gorilla go-go dancer of any sexual orientation would be out of place in a movie about the Holocaust.
Leonard Hofstadter: It only gets funnier when you explain it.
Sheldon Cooper: I know.

Penny: I need to start making some smart decisions.
Leonard Hofstadter: With your career?
Penny: With my life.
Leonard Hofstadter: Like what?
Penny: I don't know.
[pause]
Penny: We could get married.
Leonard Hofstadter: Come on, be serious.
Penny: I am.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why? Because I'm a smart decision?
Penny: Well, yeah.
Leonard Hofstadter: So I'm like a bran muffin.
Penny: Well, no. That's not what I'm saying.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, it's exactly what you're saying. I'm the boring thing you're choosing because I'm good for you.
Penny: What does it matter? The point is I'm choosing you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, it matters a lot. I don't want to be a bran muffin. I want to be a Cinnabon, you know? A strawberry Pop Tart. Something you're excited about even though it could give you diabetes.
Penny: Sweetie, you can be any pastry you want.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, no, no. It's too late. I'm your bran muffin. Probably fat-free and good for your colon.

Leonard Hofstadter: You know I want to marry you, but you're only doing this because you got fired and you're feeling sorry for yourself.
Penny: Okay, it may look that way, but getting fired from that movie was the best thing that could ever happen to me, okay? I finally realize I don't need to be famous or have some big career to be happy.
Leonard Hofstadter: Then what do you need?
Penny: You, you stupid Pop Tart!
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh. Then I guess I'm in.
Penny: Really? You guess you're in?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not like "I guess I'm in:" Like "I guess... I'm IN!"
Penny: Okay. Cool.
Leonard Hofstadter: So is that it? Are we engaged?
Penny: Yeah, I think so.
Leonard Hofstadter: All right.
Penny: What's wrong?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm not sure. Just feels a little anticlimactic.
Penny: Yeah, it kind of does, huh?
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, I know. This might help.
[Takes out a ring from his wallet]
Penny: Where did you get a ring?
Leonard Hofstadter: I've... had it for a couple of years, not important.
[Gets on knee]
Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, will you marry...
Penny: Oh, my God. Yes.
Leonard Hofstadter: This would have been so much more romantic if you didn't have monkey hair on your finger.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Jiminy Conjecture (#3.2)" (2009)
Leonard Hofstadter: We don't have to have sex every night.
Howard Wolowitz: You don't, but it's highly recomended.

Leonard Hofstadter: It's just that the sex was not the way I dreamt it would be.
Howard Wolowitz: Hell, sex is never the way I dreamed.
Rajesh Koothrappali: That's because in your dreams, you're a horse from the waist down.

Leonard Hofstadter: What are we drinking now?
Penny: Peppermint schnapps.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would you buy peppermint schnapps?
Penny: Because I like peppermint, and it's fun to say schnapps. Hey, Leonard.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Schnapps.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Celebration Experimentation (#9.17)" (2016)
[first lines]
Amy Farrah Fowler: [as they walk down the stairs] So, Sheldon, there's something I've been wanting to talk about, but I know it's kind of a touchy subject.
Leonard Hofstadter: Way to narrow it down to everything.
Sheldon Cooper: What is it?
Amy Farrah Fowler: Well, your birthday's coming up, and you've never let us celebrate it, and I was hoping maybe this year we could.
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, I suppose that's a discussion we could have.
[he runs back upstairs]
Amy Farrah Fowler: OK, great. I mean, it doesn't have to be a big party or anything. I just...
[she notices he isn't there]
Amy Farrah Fowler: Where'd he go?
Penny Hofstadter: Whoa, wait a minute; you mention his birthday and he vanishes?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, where's that information been this whole time?

Penny Hofstadter: You know if you had a party now you have plenty of friends who would love to come.
Leonard Hofstadter: And we live here so we have no choice.
Penny Hofstadter: Yeah.

Howard Wolowitz: You have any idea what you're getting Sheldon for his birthday?
Raj Koothrappali: He's been fascinated by dinosaurs lately. Maybe we could get him a fossil.
Leonard Hofstadter: Just don't get anything Jurassic. He feels like that whole chunk of time's gone Hollywood.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Deception Verification (#7.2)" (2013)
Leonard Hofstadter: So, am I driving you to work or are you still mad at me?
Sheldon Cooper: I'd like a ride. Assuming you actually do take me to work.
Leonard Hofstadter: Where do you think I would take you?
Sheldon Cooper: Who knows? You said you'd be home yesterday, but came home three days ago. You say you're taking me to work, but for all I know I'll end up in a deserted amusement park, or a cornfield maze or a back alley dog fight. You tell me.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm going to work. You can come if you want.
Sheldon Cooper: OK. By the way you have something on your shirt.
Leonard Hofstadter: No, I don't.
Sheldon Cooper: Hurts, doesn't it? You know, I find myself wondering if anything you every told me is true.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't make it back. The ship sank. I'm in hell.
Sheldon Cooper: You say you're from New Jersey, but how can I believe you.
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would anybody claim to be from New Jersey, if they weren't?
Sheldon Cooper: All right, I'll give you that one.

[last lines]
Sheldon Cooper: And then Leonard took me to the barber and the dentist. and then to cap off the perfect day the Las Angeles Bureau of Weights and Measures.
Leonard Hofstadter: I thought the Measures were going to be the stars of the show; turns out it was the Weights.
Penny: I'm so glad you guys are friends again.
Sheldon Cooper: Eh, I'm glad you and I are friends again too.
Penny: Aw.
Sheldon Cooper: Which reminds me, this came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
[he hands her a coupon]
Penny: [reads] "Fifty cents off Vagisil."
Sheldon Cooper: Think of me when you apply it.
Raj Koothrappali: Can I just say: I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Sheldon Cooper, Bernadette Rostenkowski, Howard Wolowitz, Amy Farrah Fowler: Yeah.
Penny: Me too
Leonard Hofstadter: Um, since when can Koothrappali talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Oh, that happened right after you left.
Sheldon Cooper: And no-one told me?
Howard Wolowitz: [starting to weep] Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Penny: Ahem!
[hands Howard the coupon]
Penny: Think of Sheldon when you apply it.

Sheldon Cooper: Hello, Raj. Howard. Judas.
Leonard Hofstadter: You know what? You're a crazy person.
Sheldon Cooper: A crazy person with a long memory and, if all goes according to plan, my own robot army. Or a mutant army. We'll see how my genetics research goes.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Locomotive Manipulation (#7.15)" (2014)
Penny: Happy Valentines Day!
Leonard Hofstadter: Flowers and chocolates? You trying to get me out of my panties?
Penny: Don't be surprised if you find five chocolates missing and three gross coconut ones with a bite taken out. Came that way when I bought it.
Leonard Hofstadter: I got you a little something too.
[Gives Penny a jewelry box]
Penny: Oh my. Jewelry.
[Opens box]
Penny: Oh, my God. Lakers' tickets!
Leonard Hofstadter: It gets better. Instead of me, you can take someone who will actually enjoy it.
Penny: Aww! You are the best boyfriend ever!
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, seriously, please don't make me go.

Bernadette Rostenkowski: You sure you guys don't want to come with us to Napa. You can probably still get a room.
Penny: No. I think we'll just have a quiet weekend at home.
Leonard Hofstadter: Of course I'm not sure it's a great idea to take Penny where wine comes from. What? It's a joke. Oh, come on. We bust on each other. I wear dorky glasses and you might have a problem. It's all for laughs.
Penny: That would really piss me off if I didn't have a buzz going on.

Penny: Should we take this little party to the bedroom?
Leonard Hofstadter: We don't have to. We have the whole place to ourselves.
Penny: Oh that's true.
Leonard Hofstadter: In fact, if you want we can do it right here on Sheldon's spot.
Penny: That is the least sexy thing anyone's ever said to me.
Leonard Hofstadter: To the bedroom!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Matrimonial Momentum (#9.1)" (2015)
Penny: So what package were you thinking?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well this one comes with music and flowers. Oh, and they even stream the whole thing live on the internet.
Penny: Why would we want that?
Leonard Hofstadter: Cause there's a lot of gorgeous blondes out there who don't believe they can land a short, near-sighted scientist? Let's give them hope.
Penny: Whatever. Put us on the internet. I've always wanted a wedding with a comments section.

Leonard Hofstadter: Penny, we are made of particles that existed since the moment the universe began. I like to think those atoms travelled 14 billion years through time and space to create us so that we could be together and make each other whole.

Leonard Hofstadter: Finally, there's a Mrs. Hofstadter who isn't disappointed in me.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Comic Book Store Regeneration (#8.15)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: [after Howard learns his mother died] May I say something?
Leonard Hofstadter: Not now, Sheldon.
Howard Wolowitz: No, it's okay. Go ahead.
Sheldon Cooper: When my father died, I had no friends to help me through it. You do.
Penny: [Crying] I really thought he was going to say "let it go."

[Last lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother... to us all.

Penny: How's Howard holding up?
Raj Koothrappali: He's hanging in there.
Leonard Hofstadter: How are you doing, Stuart?
Stuart Bloom: Still can't believe she's gone. I mean, that woman took me in. If it wasn't for her, I, I would have been homeless.
Amy Farrah Fowler: One of us would have taken you in.
Stuart Bloom: Yeah, I don't recall any offers. But, you know what, uh, I, I'm glad it worked out the way it did because I got to know this wonderful person.
Raj Koothrappali: Yeah. Mrs. Wolowitz was pretty special. When I first moved to America, Howard was my only friend and she made me feel so welcome in her home. Which says a lot, because, those first few years, she thought I was the gardener.
Penny: Whenever I saw her, she'd say I was too skinny and try and feed me.
Amy Farrah Fowler: She did that to me, too.
Penny: Don't take this away from me.
Sheldon Cooper: I didn't care for her yelling. But now that I'm not going to hear it again, I'm sad.
Leonard Hofstadter: If you want, I can yell at you later.
Sheldon Cooper: It won't be as good.
Leonard Hofstadter: Let's have a toast. To Mrs. Wolowitz. A loving mother to all of us. We'll miss you.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bakersfield Expedition (#6.13)" (2013)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, will you steam my uniform next?
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, interesting. Do you recall this conversation? "Leonard, want to go halvesies on a steamer?" "No, Sheldon we don't need a steamer." Looks like that rumpled chicken's come home to roost.
Penny: Hi, here are the makeup sponges you asked for.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, thanks; I thought I had more.
Penny: Damn, you've got more makeup than I do. You got better makeup than I do. Yeah, I'm borrowing this.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey, this is my Comic-Con makeup. I love you, but there are some things a man doesn't share with his girlfriend.
Sheldon Cooper: That's a wise policy. I once borrowed my sister's makeup for a costume contest, got a terrible case of pinkeye. Yeah, but luckily I was going as a zombie; I won second place.
Penny: I feel like you guys just went to Comic-Con.
Leonard Hofstadter: That was San Diego Comic-Con; this is Bakersfield Comic-Con.
Penny: Is that better?
Leonard Hofstadter: Mm, it's a lot smaller. It's more about the comics books, the way these conventions used to be before they went all Hollywood.
Sheldon Cooper: So to answer your question, no, it's not better.
Penny: Well then why are you going?
Sheldon Cooper: It's a comic book convention. Like pizza or particle accelerators even the stinky ones, still pretty good.

Officer Reynolds: [taking Leonard's police report] Do you need me to call anyone? I'm guessing your moms?
Leonard Hofstadter: Thanks, we've got it covered.
Howard Wolowitz: [entering] Okay, I just talked to my mom.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Valentino Submergence (#9.15)" (2016)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Gentlemen.
Leonard Hofstadter, Raj Koothrappali, Howard Wolowitz: [muttter] Hello.
Sheldon Cooper: If any of you are looking for something to to on Valentine's Day, Amy and I'll be streaming our first ever *live* episode of Fun with Flags. You're welcome to join us as we celebrate the timeless love affair between wind and flapping fabric.
Sheldon Cooper: Penny and I have dinner reservations that night, but any other time no.
Howard Wolowitz: Sorry. Bernie and I are breaking in the new hot tub, if you know what I mean.
Sheldon Cooper: Not a clue. Raj?
Raj Koothrappali: Spending Valentine's Day with Emily.
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't sound very excited about it.
Raj Koothrappali: Oh, I am, I am. I gue- I guess I'm just wondering if Emily and I are right for each other.
Howard Wolowitz: Does this have to do with that girl you had coffee with?
Raj Koothrappali: You mean the strong, sexy angel I can't stop thinking about? Who can say?
Howard Wolowitz: You've been talking about breaking up with Emily forever; why don't you just do it already?
Leonard Hofstadter: Just get it over with.
Raj Koothrappali: You say that like it's easy. Have any one of you ever broken up with anyone?
[long pause]
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Leonard Hofstadter: Not really.
Sheldon Cooper: Yeah, uh, once I ordered an Uber by accident; I just got in and went somewhere.

Leonard Hofstadter: A lot of attitude from the woman who thought MC squared was a rapper.
Penny Hofstadter: Is that a smart thing to say on a holiday that's basically National Sex Night?
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sorry, you're pretty, I'm stupid.


"The Big Bang Theory: The 21-Second Excitation (#4.8)" (2010)
Penny: I think I'll pass, but you guys enjoy your extra 21 seconds.
Leonard Hofstadter: I bet if I could make you understand why this is such a cool thing, we'd still be together.
Penny: Hmm... yeah, no we wouldn't.
[Raj whispers something to Howard]
Howard Wolowitz: Uh-huh. I'm guessing 21 seconds had something to do with that, too.

Leonard Hofstadter: Can we turn off the Sheldon Commentary ?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Anxiety Optimization (#8.13)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: Before you leave, can you help me test these noise cancelling headphones?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sure.
[Sheldon puts on headphones]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, can you hear me?
[Sheldon doesn't react]
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I haven't changed the filter on the water pitcher in two years.
Penny: Bernadette's nickname for you is the Virgin Pina Colada.
Leonard Hofstadter: Your George Lucas authograph is really a me authograph.
Penny: One day I was too lazy to go back to my apartment so I used your toothbrush.
Leonard Hofstadter: One time when you weren't home Amy took off her...
[Sheldon takes off headphones]
Leonard Hofstadter: And that's why you're the best roommate ever.
Sheldon Cooper: Aw. Now I feel sorry I didn't hear that.

Leonard Hofstadter: What the hell is that?
Sheldon Cooper: To keep my anxiety levels up, I'm playing Darth Vader, The Joker and Godzilla's roar to keep my in that sweet spot. I tried adding Taylor Swift to the mix, but it turns out I love her.
Leonard Hofstadter: Can't you just put on some headphones or something?
Sheldon Cooper: Okay, geez! Taylor's right, haters gonna hate, hate, hate, hate, hate.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Intimacy Acceleration (#8.16)" (2015)
Emily Sweeney: Have you ever been to an escape room?
Leonard Hofstadter: What's that?
Emily Sweeney: It's like interactive theater, but with puzzles. There's one downtown where you're trapped in a room with a zombie.
Raj Koothrappali: Kind of like what Penny is doing right now.

Raj Koothrappali: Question one: Given the choice of anyone in the world, whom would you want as a dinner guest?
Leonard Hofstadter: Honestly, I would choose Penny.
Raj Koothrappali: Aww.
Amy Farrah Fowler: Then I would chose a janitor, because I'm about to to throw up.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Holographic Excitation (#6.5)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: You know, there's a foundational idea in string theory that the whole universe may be a hologram.
Penny: What do you mean?
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, the holographic principle suggests that what we all experience every day in three dimensions may really just be information on a surface located at the farthest reaches of our cosmos. So it's possible that our lives are really just acting out a painting on the largest canvas in the universe.
Penny: Huh.
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Sometimes I forget how smart you are.
[kisses Leonard]
Leonard Hofstadter: You should visit more often.

Penny: [for Halloween, Leonard is dressed as Albert Einstein and Penny as a 'sexy cop'] I told you in the car, no accent.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sorry, officer.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Convention Conundrum (#7.14)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: [trying to buy tickets to Comic-Con] I did it! I did it! I'm in the queue!
[Sheldon, Raj, and Howard all cheer]
Sheldon Cooper: And they say firefighters are the real heroes.
Raj Koothrappali: Uh... what number in line are you?
Leonard Hofstadter: Fifty...
Howard Wolowitz: Great!
Leonard Hofstadter: ...thousand two hundred and eleven.
Howard Wolowitz: Damn!

Raj Koothrappali: Hey, since Sheldon's not going to Comic-Con, maybe we could find a cool trio to dress up as.
Leonard Hofstadter: Mmm... what if we go as the Fantastic Four and just tell people that the Invisible Girl is standing there with us?
Howard Wolowitz: Aww, and I thought our days of pretending to be with women who don't exist were over.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Habitation Configuration (#6.7)" (2012)
Leonard Hofstadter: [after Sheldon comes in] Look who's staying up late like a big boy.

Raj Koothrappali: [as they pack up Howard's room] Wow. It's the end of an era.
Howard Wolowitz: If these walls could talk.
Leonard Hofstadter: They would say "why is he touching himself so much?"
Howard Wolowitz: Yeah.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Pirate Solution (#3.4)" (2009)
Penny: You know what I'd like to do?
Leonard Hofstadter: What?
Penny: Go over to Sheldon's spot and make out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Oh, you are a dirty girl!
[Knock at the door]
Penny: Oh, how did he know?

Leonard Hofstadter: I've always been a little confused about this. Why don't Hindus eat beef?
Raj Koothrappali: We believe cows are gods.
Sheldon Cooper: Not technically. In Hinduism, cattle are thought to be *like* god.
Raj Koothrappali: Do not tell me about my own culture, Sheldon! In the mood I'm in, I'll take you out - I swear to cow!


"The Big Bang Theory: The Earworm Reverberation (#9.10)" (2015)
Sheldon Cooper: This is the beginning of my descent into madness. Soon I will test the limits of public nudity.
Penny Hofstadter: Public nudity?
Leonard Hofstadter: Don't worry, it just means going barefoot.

Sheldon Cooper: This song won't get out of my head! Can you imagine anything so irritating?
Leonard Hofstadter: This is a trick question, right?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Colonization Application (#8.17)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: Why a turtle?
Sheldon Cooper: After much deliberation, we've determined that a turtle is the ideal pet. They don't shed fur. They don't make noise.
Amy Farrah Fowler: For Halloween, we can dress him as a cobble stone.
Sheldon Cooper: And, if he ever goes beserk, I know I can out run him. Coincidentally that's also why I chose you as a roommate.

Sheldon Cooper: During the seven month trip to Mars, I can keep up morale with my wacky sense of humor. Leonard, could you check to see if there is still peanut brittle in that can?
Leonard Hofstadter: You mean this suspicious looking can over here?
Sheldon Cooper: Yes. Open it and check.
[Leonard opens can]
Leonard Hofstadter: I don't get it. There actually is peanut brittle in here.
[Sheldon throws a pie in Leonard's face]
Leonard Hofstadter: Please go to Mars.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Focus Attenuation (#8.5)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: [Looking at their invention journal] Boy, I haven't looked at these in years. Let's see... robot girlfriend...
Howard Wolowitz: That was mine.
Leonard Hofstadter: Robot prostitute...
Howard Wolowitz: Also mine.
Sheldon Cooper: I'm confused. Why would you have both a robot girlfriend and a robot prostitute?
Howard Wolowitz: There are some things you don't do with your robot girlfriend.
Raj Koothrappali: Boy, when Howard married Bernadette, the field of robotics really took a hit.

Howard Wolowitz: Can't argue with him, it's right there on the screen. Austria really does look like a wienner.
Raj Koothrappali: Forget that, check out how hung Florida is.
Leonard Hofstadter: I'm sure Mrs. Florida walks funny. Can we get back to work?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Fish Guts Displacement (#6.10)" (2012)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: Is anyone else troubled by the Spiderman theme song?
Leonard Hofstadter: Why would it trouble you? It's like your third favorite cartoon theme song.
Sheldon Cooper: It is. It's right behind
[sings]
Sheldon Cooper: "Doo doo doo dod-doo, Inspecor gadget" and
[sings]
Sheldon Cooper: "Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. Heroes on a half shell."
Sheldon Cooper, Leonard Hofstadter, Howard Wolowitz, Raj Koothrappali: Turtle power!

Raj Koothrappali: Can we change the subject? Spiders give me the jeebie-jeebies.
Howard Wolowitz: It's heebie-jeebies.
Raj Koothrappali: I know, but that sounds anti-Semitic. Anyway, I was thinking we could have a little film festival tonight. The theme, movies that killed their franchises.
Leonard Hofstadter: Ohhh, like Jaws 4, Indiana Jones 4, Daredevil 1.
Raj Koothrappali: Miss Congeniality 2: Armed and Fabulous. I mean, you know a movie's bad when my homegirl Sandy B can't save it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Countdown Reflection (#5.24)" (2012)
Raj Koothrappali: Howard and Bernadette, the five of us stand before you as your friends and newly ordained ministers.
Mrs. Wolowitz: LOUDER!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: They all got ordained. They're all marrying us. It's adorable. If you want to hear it, come closer.
Raj Koothrappali: Guys. When I look at the two of you starting your lives together it fills... my heart... it fills my heart. Forget it, I need a minute.
Penny: Okay, I'll, I'll go. Howard and Bernadette. I know you two planned on getting married in a big fancy wedding, but when you're in love in doesn't matter where or how these things happen. It just matters that you have each other.
Leonard Hofstadter: Hmm.
Penny: Problem?
Leonard Hofstadter: No.
Sheldon Cooper: I think the Revered Hofstader is making an ironic connection between your statement about love and your rejection of his proposal in the bedroom.
Penny: Oh, grow up.
Leonard Hofstadter: I didn't say it.
Amy Farrah Fowler: That's enough from the both of you.
Penny: Well, he started it.
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, I'm ending it. Bernadette, I want to thank you for allowing me to be your maid of honor. I also want you to know that I will be happy to do it again if this marriage craps out.
Leonard Hofstadter: Thank you, Amy. Very touching. Howard and Bernadette. You are lucky enough to be best friends who love each other and that's the strongest kind of love because at its core it has kindness, patience, and respect. Qualities that are hard to find in people these days.
Sheldon Cooper: Would you like some aloe vera? You just got burned. All right, my turn. Howard. Bernadette.
[Klingon]
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Sheldon! I told you no Klingon!
Sheldon Cooper: Fine, I'll do it in English. But it loses something. The need to find another human being has to share one's life with has always puzzled me. Maybe because I am so interesting all by myself. With that being said, may *you* find as much happiness with each other as I find on my own. The Klingon would have made you cry.
Raj Koothrappali: I believe you two have prepared vows.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Howard Joel Wolowitz, like you this is going to be short and sweet. I love you with all my heart and soul and promise to be with you forever.
Howard Wolowitz: Bernadette Maryann Rostenkowski.
Mrs. Wolowitz: SPEAK UP!
Sheldon Cooper: From now on she's the only woman whho can yell at me! Until I met you I couldn't imagine spending my life with just one person. And now, I can't imagine spending one day of it without you.
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: By the power vested in us by the state of California...
[Sheldon only]
Raj Koothrappali, Penny, Leonard Hofstadter, Sheldon Cooper, Amy Farrah Fowler: and the Klingon High Council... we now pronounce you husband and wife.

Sheldon Cooper: Thank you for the invitation, but I have to decline because it doesn't sound like something I'll enjoy.
Leonard Hofstadter: C'mon, Sheldon, it'll be fun.
Sheldon Cooper: That's what you said about the Green Lantern movie. You were a hundred and fourteen minutes of wrong.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Hofstadter Insufficiency (#7.1)" (2013)
[first lines]
Leonard Hofstadter: [on phone on deck of ship in storm] Sheldon! It's not a great time. What do you want?
Sheldon Cooper: Hello to you too. I'm sorry, but this is important.
Leonard Hofstadter: What is it?
Sheldon Cooper: Back to the Future 2 was in the Back to the Future 3 case, and Back to the Future 3 was, get this, in the Back to the Future 2 case.
Leonard Hofstadter: So?
Sheldon Cooper: So... Did you do that, or am I in the house with an intruder?
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, I've got to go inside. It's getting rough out here.
Sheldon Cooper: You're dodging the question. I knew it was you. What was that?
Leonard Hofstadter: What was what?
Sheldon Cooper: This isn't a very good connection, but it sounded like someone just released a kraken.
Leonard Hofstadter: Okay, I'm hanging up now. You know there is no such thing as a kraaaa...

[last lines]
Penny: [in film taking a shower] Aaah. I'm so glad the police finally caught that psychotic, genetically engineered ape.
Leonard Hofstadter: That is my girlfriend, I swear to God.
Scientists: Leonard, Leonard, Leonard, Leonard,


"Family Guy: Business Guy (#8.9)" (2009)
Sheldon Cooper: I'll have you know that I can bench press over 690 billion nano-grams.
Leonard Hofstadter: Sheldon, that's less than two pounds.
Sheldon Cooper: Sounded better the way I said it.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Date Night Variable (#6.1)" (2012)
Stuart: So, Howard's really in space?
Leonard Hofstadter: Yup, in the International Space Station. 2700 miles that way.
Raj Koothrappali: Right now he might be looking down on us like a tiny Jewish Greek god. Zeusowitz.
Sheldon Cooper: I must admit I do feel a tinge of envy. Howard is looking out at the majesty of the universe passing before his eyes. His dim, uncomprehending eyes. Like a cat in an airport carrying case.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Champagne Reflection (#8.10)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: Well, that's it. That's the end of Roger Abbot.
Raj Koothrappali: And we still don't know who framed him.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Parking Spot Escalation (#6.9)" (2012)
Howard Wolowitz: Hi, Sheldon.
Sheldon Cooper: [seeing Howard naked on the couch] AHHHH! He's in my spot. Leonard, make him stop being naked in my spot.
Leonard Hofstadter: Howard, what are you doing?
Howard Wolowitz: He wasn't using it, and I needed a nice, cool piece of leather to wiggle my naked ass on.
Sheldon Cooper: Get off there.
Howard Wolowitz: Give me back my Iron Man helmet.
Sheldon Cooper: Give me back my parking space.
Howard Wolowitz: You don't need a parking space. You don't have a car.
Sheldon Cooper: Well, you don't need an Iron Man helmet. You're not Iron Man.
Howard Wolowitz: Well, we appear to have reached an impasse. And I have to say, I thought you'd be more upset that your laptop is sitting on my junk.
Raj Koothrappali: [to Leonard] I didn't pick up on that. That's a nice touch.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Empathy Optimization (#9.13)" (2016)
[first lines]
Penny Hofstadter: Hey, so I saw a movie trailer the other day. How could Batman possibly fight Superman? Isn't that dumb!
Bernadette Rostenkowski: Maybe he uses kryptonite.
Emily Sweeney: Well, Batman's got a lot of money; maybe he builds a suit that can do everything Superman can do.
Penny Hofstadter: No no no no no, I've seen that movie. It's called "Iron Man".
[the guys are stupefied]
Leonard Hofstadter: What is happening?
Howard Wolowitz: I don't know.
Raj Koothrappali: But it's beautiful.
Penny Hofstadter: How's Ben Affleck as Batman?
Emily Sweeney: Oh, he was great in "Shakespeare in Love".
Penny Hofstadter: Ooh, we should watch that next girls' night.
Bernadette Rostenkowski: We could do a double feature with the Leonardo DiCaprio "Romeo and Juliet".
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, I love me some Leo.
Leonard Hofstadter: And it's gone.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Alien Parasite Hypothesis (#4.10)" (2010)
Sheldon Cooper: What is the best number? By the way, there's only one correct answer.
Raj Koothrappali: Five million, three hundred eighteen thousand and eight?
Sheldon Cooper: Wrong. The best number is 73. You're probably wondering why.
Howard Wolowitz: No.
Raj Koothrappali: We're good.
Sheldon Cooper: 73 is the 21st prime number. Its mirror, 37, is the 12th, and its mirror, 21, is the product of multiplying - hang on to your hats - seven and three. Heh? Heh? Did I lie?
Leonard Hofstadter: We get it. 73 is the Chuck Norris of numbers.
Sheldon Cooper: Chuck Norris wishes. In binary, 73 is a palindrome: 1001001, which backwards is 1001001. Exactly the same. All Chuck Norris backwards gets you is "sirron kcuhc."
Raj Koothrappali: Just for the record, when you enter 5,318,008 in a calculator, upside down, it spells "boobies."


"The Big Bang Theory: The Expedition Approximation (#8.6)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: You know how insecure I am about my insecurities.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Wildebeest Implementation (#4.22)" (2011)
Sheldon Cooper: I must say, Leonard, ever since you've been having regular intercouse, your mind has lost its keen edge. You should reflect on that.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me, but Einstein had a very busy sex life.
Sheldon Cooper: Yes, and he never unified gravity with the other forces. If he hadn't been such a hound dog, we'd all have time machines.


"The Big Bang Theory: The 2003 Approximation (#9.4)" (2015)
[first lines]
Sheldon Cooper: What a wonderful day; thank you.
Penny Hofstadter: Oh, we're glad you had fun
Sheldon Cooper: Blue Icees and a trip to the container store? It's like I died and went to the post-mortem neuron-induced hallucination commonly mistaken as heaven.
Leonard Hofstadter: I still don't understand why you bought that pill caddy; you're a young man.
Sheldon Cooper: Age is a state of mind, Leonard. In here,
[points to his head]
Sheldon Cooper: I'm 90.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Junior Professor Solution (#8.2)" (2014)
Leonard Hofstadter: Why are you going to so much trouble to prove you're smarter than Wolowitz?
Sheldon Cooper: Oh, it's no trouble. It's actually a pleasure.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Skank Reflex Analysis (#5.1)" (2011)
Leonard Hofstadter: Got any advice?
Beverly Hofstadter: Yes. Buck up.
Leonard Hofstadter: Excuse me - you're a world-renowned expert in parenting and child development, and all you've got is "buck up"?
Beverly Hofstadter: Sorry. Buck up, Sissy Pants.


"The Big Bang Theory: The Bachelor Party Corrosion (#9.3)" (2015)
Leonard Hofstadter: If there was a hidden compartment, don't you think you'd be stuffed in it by now?


"The Big Bang Theory: The Leftover Thermalization (#8.18)" (2015)
Penny: Who even reads Scientific American?
Leonard Hofstadter: It's kind of a big deal.
Penny: If it's such a big deal, how come the biggest celebrity they could get for the cover is a molecule?