Jeff Bingham
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Quotes for
Jeff Bingham (Character)
from "Rules of Engagement" (2007)

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"Rules of Engagement: Jeff's New Friend (#3.3)" (2009)
Brad: Hey, if you're interested me and some pals are getting together at a sports bar to watch the first play-off game, you're welcome to join.
Jeff Bingham: Sports and bar, my two favorite words.
Audrey Bingham: You still have wife on that list?
Jeff Bingham: Right between re-fill and bacon.

Brad: Yes, it does back up traffic as do all parades but I wouldn't know who to talk to about that.
Jeff Bingham: Okay, I have another question.
Brad: Alright, but not another one about Anderson Cooper.
Jeff Bingham: With two guys you must be pretty much doing it all the time, right? With no woman there to say no.
Brad: It's still a marriage, there is always someone there to say no.
Adam Rhodes: So when you're done with sex does one of you want to cuddle and the other one want to watch sport center?
Jeff Bingham: And does Jackie get upset when you leave the toilet seat up?
Brad: Why don't you write all these down and I'll get back to you?

Russell Dunbar: Hey, I got the result of the DNA test.
Jeff Bingham: Russel, this is Brad, he's gay. Brad this is Russel, he almost slept with his own daughter.
Brad: And I made you uncomfortable?


"Rules of Engagement: Young and the Restless (#1.3)" (2007)
Audrey: Are those crumbs on your face? Oh my God, you ate the butt pie?
Jeff: It was paid for.

Audrey: Apple pie for breakfast?
Jeff: Here's my thinking on that. You'd be fine if I ordered apple danish which is basically flat apple pie.
Audrey: Good use of your brain.

Audrey Bingham: Are those crumbs on your face? Oh my God, you ate the butt pie?
Jeff Bingham: It was paid for.


"Rules of Engagement: Russell's Secret (#3.1)" (2009)
Jeff Bingham: When you've been together as long as Audrey and I have it's okay to have separate interests. For instance, she loves going to the theater and I hate it.
Audrey Bingham: Hating the theater is not an interest. An interest is something you enjoy
Jeff Bingham: I enjoy hating the theater.

Adam Rhodes: You know, I've never been to a boat show. What do you do there?
Jeff Bingham: You look at boats.
Jennifer: You really didn't see that one coming?

Audrey Bingham: He has this whole other side that is cultured and kind and sensitive but he won't show it to you cause he's afraid you'll make fun of him
Russell Dunbar: Thank you, I'm a dead man.
Audrey Bingham: No. No you are not. Jeff, please tell him you're not gonna tease him.
Jeff Bingham: Oh I'd only do that so that he'd see it coming a little less.


"Rules of Engagement: Jen at Work (#2.11)" (2008)
Audrey Bingham: Hot tub? Jeff, you know those are bad for your sperm.
Jeff Bingham: Nice meal time topic, Audrey.
Adam Rhodes: Yeah, Audrey, it's kind of gross. So what's up with your sperm?
Jeff Bingham: I think you're making Jennifer uncomfortable.
Jennifer: Well, what's going on down there? I mean are your guys weak or is it failure to launch?
Jeff Bingham: I don't want to talk about my junk.
Audrey Bingham: It's not a big deal. They're our friends. We had a fertility test a while back and Jeff's boys were a little slow.
Jennifer: I didn't even know you guys were trying.
Audrey Bingham: Well, we're trying to be trying. The doctor gave Jeff a list of things he should do like wearing loose underwear, taking supplements and staying out of hot tubs.
Jeff Bingham: Yeah, and I've been doing most of that. I just fell off the wagon a little bit.
Audrey Bingham: What's a little bit?
Jeff Bingham: I may have forgotten to refill the supplements and when I play softball I wear tighty whiteys.
Audrey Bingham: God, Are you kidding?
Jeff Bingham: I tried wearing boxers but when I ran it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants.

Jeff Bingham: Super sperm.
Adam Rhodes: And the doctor actually used those words?
Jeff Bingham: Yes he did. It's like a koi pond down there.
Russell Dunbar: Waitress, could you cancel my fish and chips please?
Adam Rhodes: I thought your boys were slow?
Jeff Bingham: Turns out they were just mild mannered like Clark Kent

Jeff Bingham: I've got to take this. Yeah, it's important. Jimmer, thanks for getting back to me so quickly.
Audrey Bingham: Jimmer? That's important?
Jeff Bingham: Guess what part of me is faster than a speeding bullet.
Audrey Bingham: Come on, Jeff. We...
Jeff Bingham: No. No. Bingo!


"Rules of Engagement: Reunion (#4.11)" (2010)
[first lines]
Jeff: What would you give me if I put this whole waffle in my mouth?
Audrey: An uncontested divorce.

[last lines]
Audrey: I don't think I can enjoy myself... here all weekend, alright come on, we're out of here.
Jeff: OK I'll see you Sunday at seven.


"Rules of Engagement: The Four Pillars (#4.5)" (2010)
[first lines]
Jeff: Hey.
Audrey: Hey! Oh good, you're home. Listen, I was talking to some people...
Jeff: Oh, wow wow wow! I... just walked in the door, if we're gonna talk I gotta get a can of listening juice.

[last lines]
Jennifer: Oh God, Adam, look at the caption.
Adam: Jennifer Morgan to wed
[sighs]
Adam: Madam Rhodes! No! No! They, they totally ruined my hetero picture...
Jennifer: At least it's a small town, not that many people will see it.
Jeff: Oh no, they've got an online edition. Well, I got a busy night ahead of me so...


"Rules of Engagement: The Score (#4.9)" (2010)
[first lines]
Audrey: Come on, what are you waiting for?
Jeff: I'm trying.
Audrey: Then do it!
Jeff: I can't! I hate needles!

[last lines]
Jeff: Amazing, huh? Thank god I recorded it.
Audrey: It's unbelievable . Now I get why you guys like to watch things over and over even though you already know the outcome.
Jeff: I don't think I'll ever get tired of this.
[On TV, Adam vomits on Jennifer's lap]


"Rules of Engagement: Pilot (#1.1)" (2007)
Jeff: She wanted to get a cat. I didn't want to get a cat. So we compromised and... got a cat.

Jeff: $85 for skin cream?
Audrey Bingham: This stuff is amazing. This is it.
[pulls out the tiniest little jar of skin cream]
Jeff: $85 for that tiny jar? What's in it, $80?


"Rules of Engagement: Dad's Visit (#3.4)" (2009)
Audrey Bingham: Hey, how did you do in your game?
Jeff Bingham: Very good, 3 hits, 4 hotdogs, 5 beers.

Jeff Bingham: Let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one who breaks the peace we have made here today.
Adam Rhodes: Why is he looking at me?
Jeff Bingham: The Godfather?
Adam Rhodes: Oh... No, never saw it.
Jeff Bingham: You've never seen The Godfather?
Audrey Bingham: Oh, here we go.
Adam Rhodes: No, my parents were hippies... They didn't want me to see anything too violent.
Jeff Bingham: Then close your eyes cause I'm gonna punch you in the face.


"Rules of Engagement: Ghost Story (#4.4)" (2010)
[first lines]
Audrey: I'm glad you guys finally introduced us to Ethiopian food.
Jeff: And now that I've met Ethiopian food, it's time to say goodbye for ever. It feels like it's gonna be a long goodbye.
Audrey: I'm rethinking opening this door.

[last lines]
Audrey: So when are we gonna tell them that we found the bowl at our place?
Jeff: Oh when it stops being fun.
Audrey: [laughs] It is fun.


"Rules of Engagement: Kids (#1.5)" (2007)
Audrey: [banging on door] C'mon Jeff, you don't have to read all the magazines.
Jeff: Dammit! You made me miss.
Audrey: What ?
Jeff: You made me miss. You knocked just as I was teeing off and I shanked it.
Audrey: Are you nude ?
Jeff: If I'm gonna do this, I'm going to do it right. And, why did you knock ?
Audrey: Well, I'm sorry but you were taking forever.
Jeff: I was romancing myself.
Audrey: Why? You know how easy you are...
Jeff: With you maybe. With myself, I like a little foreplay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take a quick nap, and then play the back nine.

[Jeff and Audrey at the doctor's office to do a fertility test]
Jeff Bingham: Ok. Great. So, how much do you need?
Doctor: Excuse me?
Audrey Bingham: He's just a little nervous. Honey, you just do your thing once and they will take what they need.
Jeff Bingham: Oh, ok. So, can we have your office for about 10 minutes? Doc?
Audrey Bingham: Jeff!
Doctor: Actually, we have a private room in which you can produce the sample.
Jeff Bingham: By myself?
Audrey Bingham: Yes. The moment you've been practicing for all these years.
Jeff Bingham: She's just kidding. I don't...
Doctor: It's fine.
Jeff Bingham: Ok, I do.
Doctor: In the room you will find an assortment of visual aids.
Jeff Bingham: Sex magazines?
Doctor: Yes
Jeff Bingham: Nice. Where are they stashed?
Doctor: They're right there in plain view.
Jeff Bingham: Very nice.
[Later, Jeff in the private room, Reading a playpen magazine]
Jeff Bingham: Wow. Interview with Brett Favre.


"Rules of Engagement: Optimal Male (#2.12)" (2008)
Jeff: If I die, are you gonna get remarried?
Audrey: Yeah, maybe.
Jeff: Do me a favor, cremate me and throw my ashes in his face.

Jeff Bingham: Where's Adam?
Audrey Bingham: Oh, we ran into one of his exes and they took off together.
Jeff Bingham: That kid is a special kind of stupid.


"Rules of Engagement: Snoozin' for a Bruisin' (#4.2)" (2010)
[first lines]
[the alarm rings, Jeff his the snooze button]
Jeff: Huh, ten more minutes, nice!


"Rules of Engagement: The Surrogate (#4.10)" (2010)
[last lines]
Audrey: Is something wrong?
Jeff: Oh, god I hope not.


"Rules of Engagement: Indian Giver (#4.7)" (2010)
[last lines]
Jerry Waldman: [on TV] In the interest of living my life from here forward in an honest and truthful way, I would like to say, on the record, that I am gay. I am a gay American.
Jeff: Oh my god Audrey get in here! Baldman's gay!


"Rules of Engagement: Engagement Party (#2.7)" (2007)
Jeff: Don't play dumb with me. That's a game you can't win.


"Rules of Engagement: Flirting (#4.1)" (2010)
[first lines]
Doreen: [bringing their food to Jeff and Russell] Here you go Jeff, enjoy. Russell.
[slams Russell's plate down]
Jeff: What's up with you and Doreen?
Russell: She asked me what I did this weekend.
Jeff: And?
Russell: And I told her.
[laughs]


"Rules of Engagement: Audrey's Sister (#2.2)" (2007)
Jeff Bingham: Marriages that don't end in divorce end in death.


"Rules of Engagement: The Birthday Deal (#1.2)" (2007)
Audrey Bingham: [At Jeff's birthday party] You really having fun?
Jeff Bingham: If I was having any more fun I'll explode... killing everyone here.


"Rules of Engagement: Time Share (#2.10)" (2008)
Adam Rhodes: How about tennis?
Jeff Bingham: What are we, 17 year old Russian girls?
Adam Rhodes: No, tennis is manlier than golf
Jeff Bingham: Oh please, a golf ball could kill you, a tennis ball couldn't.
Adam Rhodes: It could if you choked on it.
Jeff Bingham: What are you doing with a tennis ball in your mouth?
Adam Rhodes: Touche.
Jeff Bingham: Here, I got a putter for you. Try not to choke on it.


"Rules of Engagement: Atlantic City (#4.3)" (2010)
[first lines]
Jeff: I love these rolling suitcases, it's like I'm walking a dog that's filled with my underpants.


"Rules of Engagement: Russell's Father's Son (#2.13)" (2008)
Jeff Bingham: How great would it be if I cracked this open and a chicken flew out?
Adam Rhodes: That would be unbelievable. We would be talking about it forever.
Jeff Bingham: Plus I'd sue this place for millions, buy a house in the woods, maybe a boat.
Adam Rhodes: Aah man, why didn't I order an egg?
Jeff Bingham: And I'd have to grow some corn.
Adam Rhodes: Why?
Jeff Bingham: To feed the million dollar chicken, that's my boy.
Audrey Bingham: So, this is an actual conversation?
Jeff Bingham: Hey, you're the one who always ask me what I'm thinking about
Audrey Bingham: Not anymore.


"Rules of Engagement: Flirting with Disaster (#2.1)" (2007)
Jeff Bingham: Confining me to Club Jeff? Where tonight all Jeff's drink for free!


"Rules of Engagement: Jeff's Wooby (#1.7)" (2007)
Jeff Bingham: On Audrey turning his t-shirts into a quilt: You took a bunch of man things and turned it into one big girl thing!


"Rules of Engagement: Lyin' King (#3.5)" (2009)
Jennifer: Hey.
Jeff Bingham: Pretty bold robbing us in broad daylight.
Jennifer: It's for dinner at our place Saturday night.
Jeff Bingham: Oh, well, looking forward to it. It should be fun.
[Door closes]
Jeff Bingham: God that's gonna suck. How did you let that happen?