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: Hey, if you're interested me and some pals are getting together at a sports bar to watch the first play-off game, you're welcome to join. Jeff Bingham
: Sports and bar, my two favorite words. Audrey Bingham
: You still have wife on that list? Jeff Bingham
: Right between re-fill and bacon.
: Yes, it does back up traffic as do all parades but I wouldn't know who to talk to about that. Jeff Bingham
: Okay, I have another question. Brad
: Alright, but not another one about Anderson Cooper. Jeff Bingham
: With two guys you must be pretty much doing it all the time, right? With no woman there to say no. Brad
: It's still a marriage, there is always someone there to say no. Adam Rhodes
: So when you're done with sex does one of you want to cuddle and the other one want to watch sport center? Jeff Bingham
: And does Jackie get upset when you leave the toilet seat up? Brad
: Why don't you write all these down and I'll get back to you?
: Hey, I got the result of the DNA test. Jeff Bingham
: Russel, this is Brad, he's gay. Brad this is Russel, he almost slept with his own daughter. Brad
: And I made you uncomfortable?
: Are those crumbs on your face? Oh my God, you ate the butt pie? Jeff
: It was paid for.
: Apple pie for breakfast? Jeff
: Here's my thinking on that. You'd be fine if I ordered apple danish which is basically flat apple pie. Audrey
: Good use of your brain.
: Are those crumbs on your face? Oh my God, you ate the butt pie? Jeff Bingham
: It was paid for.
: When you've been together as long as Audrey and I have it's okay to have separate interests. For instance, she loves going to the theater and I hate it. Audrey Bingham
: Hating the theater is not an interest. An interest is something you enjoy Jeff Bingham
: I enjoy hating the theater.
: You know, I've never been to a boat show. What do you do there? Jeff Bingham
: You look at boats. Jennifer
: You really didn't see that one coming?
: He has this whole other side that is cultured and kind and sensitive but he won't show it to you cause he's afraid you'll make fun of him Russell Dunbar
: Thank you, I'm a dead man. Audrey Bingham
: No. No you are not. Jeff, please tell him you're not gonna tease him. Jeff Bingham
: Oh I'd only do that so that he'd see it coming a little less.
: Hot tub? Jeff, you know those are bad for your sperm. Jeff Bingham
: Nice meal time topic, Audrey. Adam Rhodes
: Yeah, Audrey, it's kind of gross. So what's up with your sperm? Jeff Bingham
: I think you're making Jennifer uncomfortable. Jennifer
: Well, what's going on down there? I mean are your guys weak or is it failure to launch? Jeff Bingham
: I don't want to talk about my junk. Audrey Bingham
: It's not a big deal. They're our friends. We had a fertility test a while back and Jeff's boys were a little slow. Jennifer
: I didn't even know you guys were trying. Audrey Bingham
: Well, we're trying to be trying. The doctor gave Jeff a list of things he should do like wearing loose underwear, taking supplements and staying out of hot tubs. Jeff Bingham
: Yeah, and I've been doing most of that. I just fell off the wagon a little bit. Audrey Bingham
: What's a little bit? Jeff Bingham
: I may have forgotten to refill the supplements and when I play softball I wear tighty whiteys. Audrey Bingham
: God, Are you kidding? Jeff Bingham
: I tried wearing boxers but when I ran it felt like someone was shooting dice in my pants.
: Super sperm. Adam Rhodes
: And the doctor actually used those words? Jeff Bingham
: Yes he did. It's like a koi pond down there. Russell Dunbar
: Waitress, could you cancel my fish and chips please? Adam Rhodes
: I thought your boys were slow? Jeff Bingham
: Turns out they were just mild mannered like Clark Kent
: I've got to take this. Yeah, it's important. Jimmer, thanks for getting back to me so quickly. Audrey Bingham
: Jimmer? That's important? Jeff Bingham
: Guess what part of me is faster than a speeding bullet. Audrey Bingham
: Come on, Jeff. We... Jeff Bingham
: No. No. Bingo!
: What would you give me if I put this whole waffle in my mouth? Audrey
: An uncontested divorce.
: I don't think I can enjoy myself... here all weekend, alright come on, we're out of here. Jeff
: OK I'll see you Sunday at seven.
: Hey. Audrey
: Hey! Oh good, you're home. Listen, I was talking to some people... Jeff
: Oh, wow wow wow! I... just walked in the door, if we're gonna talk I gotta get a can of listening juice.
: Oh God, Adam, look at the caption. Adam
: Jennifer Morgan to wed
: Madam Rhodes! No! No! They, they totally ruined my hetero picture... Jennifer
: At least it's a small town, not that many people will see it. Jeff
: Oh no, they've got an online edition. Well, I got a busy night ahead of me so...
: Come on, what are you waiting for? Jeff
: I'm trying. Audrey
: Then do it! Jeff
: I can't! I hate needles!
: Amazing, huh? Thank god I recorded it. Audrey
: It's unbelievable . Now I get why you guys like to watch things over and over even though you already know the outcome. Jeff
: I don't think I'll ever get tired of this.
[On TV, Adam vomits on Jennifer's lap
: She wanted to get a cat. I didn't want to get a cat. So we compromised and... got a cat.
: $85 for skin cream? Audrey Bingham
: This stuff is amazing. This is it.
[pulls out the tiniest little jar of skin cream
: $85 for that tiny jar? What's in it, $80?
: Hey, how did you do in your game? Jeff Bingham
: Very good, 3 hits, 4 hotdogs, 5 beers.
: Let me say that I swear on the souls of my grandchildren that I will not be the one who breaks the peace we have made here today. Adam Rhodes
: Why is he looking at me? Jeff Bingham
: The Godfather? Adam Rhodes
: Oh... No, never saw it. Jeff Bingham
: You've never seen The Godfather? Audrey Bingham
: Oh, here we go. Adam Rhodes
: No, my parents were hippies... They didn't want me to see anything too violent. Jeff Bingham
: Then close your eyes cause I'm gonna punch you in the face.
: I'm glad you guys finally introduced us to Ethiopian food. Jeff
: And now that I've met Ethiopian food, it's time to say goodbye for ever. It feels like it's gonna be a long goodbye. Audrey
: I'm rethinking opening this door.
: So when are we gonna tell them that we found the bowl at our place? Jeff
: Oh when it stops being fun. Audrey
] It is fun.
: [banging on door
] C'mon Jeff, you don't have to read all the magazines. Jeff
: Dammit! You made me miss. Audrey
: What ? Jeff
: You made me miss. You knocked just as I was teeing off and I shanked it. Audrey
: Are you nude ? Jeff
: If I'm gonna do this, I'm going to do it right. And, why did you knock ? Audrey
: Well, I'm sorry but you were taking forever. Jeff
: I was romancing myself. Audrey
: Why? You know how easy you are... Jeff
: With you maybe. With myself, I like a little foreplay. Now, if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna take a quick nap, and then play the back nine.
[Jeff and Audrey at the doctor's office to do a fertility test
] Jeff Bingham
: Ok. Great. So, how much do you need? Doctor
: Excuse me? Audrey Bingham
: He's just a little nervous. Honey, you just do your thing once and they will take what they need. Jeff Bingham
: Oh, ok. So, can we have your office for about 10 minutes? Doc? Audrey Bingham
: Jeff! Doctor
: Actually, we have a private room in which you can produce the sample. Jeff Bingham
: By myself? Audrey Bingham
: Yes. The moment you've been practicing for all these years. Jeff Bingham
: She's just kidding. I don't... Doctor
: It's fine. Jeff Bingham
: Ok, I do. Doctor
: In the room you will find an assortment of visual aids. Jeff Bingham
: Sex magazines? Doctor
: Yes Jeff Bingham
: Nice. Where are they stashed? Doctor
: They're right there in plain view. Jeff Bingham
: Very nice.
[Later, Jeff in the private room, Reading a playpen magazine
] Jeff Bingham
: Wow. Interview with Brett Favre.
: If I die, are you gonna get remarried? Audrey
: Yeah, maybe. Jeff
: Do me a favor, cremate me and throw my ashes in his face.
: Where's Adam? Audrey Bingham
: Oh, we ran into one of his exes and they took off together. Jeff Bingham
: That kid is a special kind of stupid.
[the alarm rings, Jeff his the snooze button
: Huh, ten more minutes, nice!
: Is something wrong? Jeff
: Oh, god I hope not.
] Jerry Waldman
: [on TV
] In the interest of living my life from here forward in an honest and truthful way, I would like to say, on the record, that I am gay. I am a gay American. Jeff
: Oh my god Audrey get in here! Baldman's gay!
: Don't play dumb with me. That's a game you can't win.
: [bringing their food to Jeff and Russell
] Here you go Jeff, enjoy. Russell.
[slams Russell's plate down
: What's up with you and Doreen? Russell
: She asked me what I did this weekend. Jeff
: And? Russell
: And I told her.
: Marriages that don't end in divorce end in death.
: [At Jeff's birthday party
] You really having fun? Jeff Bingham
: If I was having any more fun I'll explode... killing everyone here.
: How about tennis? Jeff Bingham
: What are we, 17 year old Russian girls? Adam Rhodes
: No, tennis is manlier than golf Jeff Bingham
: Oh please, a golf ball could kill you, a tennis ball couldn't. Adam Rhodes
: It could if you choked on it. Jeff Bingham
: What are you doing with a tennis ball in your mouth? Adam Rhodes
: Touche. Jeff Bingham
: Here, I got a putter for you. Try not to choke on it.
: I love these rolling suitcases, it's like I'm walking a dog that's filled with my underpants.
: How great would it be if I cracked this open and a chicken flew out? Adam Rhodes
: That would be unbelievable. We would be talking about it forever. Jeff Bingham
: Plus I'd sue this place for millions, buy a house in the woods, maybe a boat. Adam Rhodes
: Aah man, why didn't I order an egg? Jeff Bingham
: And I'd have to grow some corn. Adam Rhodes
: Why? Jeff Bingham
: To feed the million dollar chicken, that's my boy. Audrey Bingham
: So, this is an actual conversation? Jeff Bingham
: Hey, you're the one who always ask me what I'm thinking about Audrey Bingham
: Not anymore.
: Confining me to Club Jeff? Where tonight all Jeff's drink for free!
: On Audrey turning his t-shirts into a quilt: You took a bunch of man things and turned it into one big girl thing!
: Hey. Jeff Bingham
: Pretty bold robbing us in broad daylight. Jennifer
: It's for dinner at our place Saturday night. Jeff Bingham
: Oh, well, looking forward to it. It should be fun.
] Jeff Bingham
: God that's gonna suck. How did you let that happen?