Pete Hornberger
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Quotes for
Pete Hornberger (Character)
from "30 Rock" (2006)

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"30 Rock: The C Word (#1.14)" (2007)
Pete Hornberger: Okay, the van to take you up to Connecticut will be leaving at noon, and once you get up to the golf course you're be working in pairs... Okay, have fun; don't get drunk.

Kenneth Parcell: I just don't want to disgrace the peacock.
Pete Hornberger: Oh, Kenneth. If you're worried about disgracing the National Broadcasting Company, you're too late.

Liz Lemon: We need to fire Lutz.
Pete Hornberger: What? Why? What happened?
Liz Lemon: He called me the worst name ever.
Frank Rossitano: What did he call you?
Liz Lemon: I'm not gonna repeat it. That's how much I hate it.
Pete Hornberger: Fat can?
Liz Lemon: No.
Frank Rossitano: Mouth hooker?
Liz Lemon: No.
Frank Rossitano: Monster bitch.
Pete Hornberger: Hatchet face.
Liz Lemon: No!

[discussing the word Lutz called Liz]
Pete Hornberger: Well, you know, he was probably just blowing off steam. You can't fire a guy for cursing.
Liz Lemon: No, I - I'm not upset by cursing. I *love* cursing. I love it! But this word is not acceptable - no - because there's nothing you can call a guy back. There is no male equivalent to this word.
Pete Hornberger: Well, why don't we come up with one, and then you can call him that? Like, um, "muncus."
Frank Rossitano: "Fungdark."

[discussing the word Lutz called Liz]
Liz Lemon: The one that rhymes with the name of your favorite Todd Rundgren album.
Frank Rossitano: It rhymes with "Hermit of Mink Hollow"?
Liz Lemon: No!
Pete Hornberger: Oh! Oh, boy.

Pete Hornberger: You're just in reaction right now. You need to just take a few hours and calm down.
Liz Lemon: Don't tell me to calm down, you fungdark.
Pete Hornberger: Yeah, you're right; it doesn't work.

Pete Hornberger: Oh, I get it. You're trying to be nice now 'cause of what Lutz said.
Liz Lemon: No, I'm not trying to be nice. I *am* nice. I'm a nice person, you bald, gangly -
[clears throat]
Liz Lemon: [pleasantly] I'm gonna try harder. I'm gonna try to be nice.


"30 Rock: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: Where's Gary?
Jack: [Kicks down door and enters room] Gary's dead. I'm Jack Donaghy. New VP of development for NBC/GE/Universal/Kmart.
Pete: Oh, we own Kmart now?
Jack: No. So why are you dressed like we do?

Pete: Okay, marry, kill: Oprah, bin Laden, and Jenna.
Liz Lemon: What did I tell you about playing that game with people in the room?
Jenna Maroney: No Liz, it's okay.
Frank: Okay, well I'd marry Oprah, for the money. I do bin Laden for revenge and then his own people would kill him. And I'd kill Jenna.

Jack: I want you to think about Tracy Jordan.
Pete: The black guy?
Jack: The black movie star. I flew with him on a private jet to the Super Bowl recently and I found him very entertaining.
Liz Lemon: Isn't he, um... crazy?
Jack: Tracy's had his problems in the last few years.
Tracy Jordan: [cut to Tracy on the news, running through traffic in his underwear] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!


"30 Rock: The Fighting Irish (#1.17)" (2007)
Pete Hornberger: Hey, Liz! Hey! You can't fire the other Liz unless she's in the bottom ten percent.
Liz Lemon: Uh, you can just tell she is, by her stupid face.
Pete Hornberger: You're a better person than this.
Liz Lemon: Jack has given me absolute power. I am the decider.
Pete Hornberger: Okay, you can't just do this.
Liz Lemon: I'm not gonna just do anything. I have a plan. Step one: befriend the enemy and gather information. Then, use the information to drive her into the bottom ten percent.
Pete Hornberger: Good lord! Your eyes - you look like that lady astronaut who tried to kidnap that other woman.
Liz Lemon: Hey, that was a lady with a plan. Diapers, Mace, Houston to Orlando in nine hours - blam-o!

Liz Lemon: Ten percent? I can't fire any of these people!
Pete Hornberger: Who cares? Getting fired is better than getting killed by my wife, with those big farm-people hands crushing my windpipe.
Liz Lemon: Everything okay at home, buddy?

Pete Hornberger: Remember that little secret I told you about Hornberger family planning?
Liz Lemon: You mean that you flat-out lied about getting a vasectomy? Don't tell me *that* backfired.


"30 Rock: Black Tie (#1.12)" (2007)
Pete Hornberger: [in a high-pitched voice to his kid over the phone] Elmo wants you to aim your pee-pee at the potty! No, not at Mommy, at the potty! How is that Elmo's fault? Did Mommy have some wine before she called Elmo?

Kenneth Parcell: [Kenneth finds Pete dancing with a very attractive woman at an impromptu party Tracy has thrown in the office] What are you doing? You are a married man!
Pete Hornberger: Hey, I'm not doing anything wrong. Just... I'm just dancing, Kenneth.
Kenneth Parcell: Do you remember the movie "Footloose," where those evil kids won in the end? You're going to make a mistake tonight.
Tracy Jordan: [sleazy] You're going to make a mistake tonight!
Kenneth Parcell: Remember the vows you and your wife took in that church.
Pete Hornberger: Botanical garden.
Kenneth Parcell: Botanical garden. You promised fidelity -
Tracy Jordan: Lick her face!
Kenneth Parcell: Think of God!
Pete Hornberger: Look, both of you calm down. I'm just trying to have some fun for the first time in, like, ten years.


"30 Rock: Jack-Tor (#1.5)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: I'm sorry, you're saying you want us to use the show to sell stuff?
Jack: Look, I-I know how this sounds.
Liz Lemon: No, come on, Jack, we're not doing that. We're not compromising the integrity of the show to sell...
Pete Hornberger: Wow, this is Diet Snapple?
Liz Lemon: I know, it tastes just like regular Snapple, doesn't it?
Pete Hornberger: You should try Plum-a-Granate. It's amazing.
Cerie: I only date guys who drink Snapple.

Pete: [about Tracy] So, first you thought he was illiterate, and now you think he's lazy? Liz, you *are* racist!
Liz Lemon: No, Tracy took advantage of my white guilt, which is supposed to be used only for good, like over-tipping and supporting Barack Obama.


"30 Rock: The Rural Juror (#1.10)" (2007)
Jenna Maroney: I've been booked on The View!
Pete Hornberger: Oh Jenna, that's great. For the first time in your life you'll be in a room full of women and you'll be the least crazy one.
Jenna Maroney: I know.

Liz Lemon: [trying to figure out the title to Jenna's film] Could it be 'Roar her, gem her'?
Pete Hornberger: No, that doesn't make any sence. It's got to be 'Oral Germ Whore'.


"30 Rock: The Bubble (#3.15)" (2009)
Jenna Maroney: Everyone shout out phrases that describe my beauty.
Pete Hornberger: Fading.
Cerie: '80s.
Richard F. Esposito: 1880s.


"30 Rock: Season 4 (#4.1)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: No one can know about this.
Cerie: Know about what?
Liz Lemon: Pete's stealing money!
Pete Hornberger: Liz's uterus fell out!
Cerie: Oh. I think I already knew that.


"30 Rock: Hard Ball (#1.15)" (2007)
Pete: [watching Jenna film a patriotic song and dance number that Liz arranged] You know, you actually did a good job on this.
Liz Lemon: Why do you sound so surprised? I love America. Just because I think gay dudes should be allowed to adopt kids and we should all have hybrid cars doesn't mean I don't love America.
[turns to smile and wink directly into the camera]


"30 Rock: MILF Island (#2.11)" (2008)
[repeated line]
Pete: Yes, Hornberger!


"30 Rock: A Goon's Deed in a Weary World (#7.11)" (2013)
Tracy Jordan: Ladies and gentlemen of the Cabletown board, I quit.
Jenna Maroney: So do I.
Liz Lemon: What the hell are you doing?
[to the executives]
Liz Lemon: They're replaceable. We can get David Allan Grier and Miss Piggy.
Tracy Jordan: I'll telling you what we're doing, LL. We're finally stepping up.
Jenna Maroney: This show is a disaster. Except for the very moving Todd Debeikes tribute. Todd, we'll miss you.
Tracy Jordan: I know you wanna save TGS, Lemonhead, but there is no TGS to save, and you should be at the airport right now picking up your chili.
Jenna Maroney: Children, Tracy.
Tracy Jordan: Children? Why the hell are you still here?
Jenna Maroney: We knew you'd never give up, so for once, let us step up and do what we do best: nothing.
Liz Lemon: You're doing this for me?
Frank Rossitano: We all are. I quit, Liz.
Pete Hornberger: Me too.
Toofer: I quit.
J.D. Lutz: Mommy's baby quits.
Cerie: I actually quit two years ago.
Subhas: Subhas out. Suck it.


"30 Rock: Gavin Volure (#3.4)" (2008)
Pete Hornberger: Attention, everyone. I have just been handed a memo that each floor has to have a fire marshall, in case of fires, terrorist attacks, Cloverfield monsters... but I can't because my head is too big for my helmet. So, who wants to volunteer?
Frank Rossitano: Not me. But you have a big head.


"30 Rock: Larry King (#3.12)" (2009)
Pete Hornberger: Come on Tracy just tell us where the money is. Where's the safest place in 30 Rock?
Tracy Jordan: I already told you. It's dry and warm. Its top is hard but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes it's always in the same place.
Pete Hornberger: There's nothing like that in 30 Rock! Nothing!
Tracy Jordan: I never said it was a thing.
Kenneth Parcell: It's me. I am the safest place in 30 Rock!


"30 Rock: Mamma Mia (#3.21)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: Wow, okay what about this? Maybe Donald is Tracy's son, because maybe Tracy is 60.
Pete Hornberger: No, that's ridiculous.
Liz Lemon: Think about it, he can't rap, he has diabetes, a lot of his friends are dead.


"30 Rock: Black Light Attack! (#4.10)" (2010)
Pete Hornberger: What do you think will happen when she realizes she's playing the mother?
Liz Lemon: We can worry about that later. Maybe we'll be dead by then.
Pete Hornberger: Yeah. Wouldn't that be great?


"30 Rock: Kidney Now! (#3.22)" (2009)
Jenna Maroney: Everyone shout out words that describe my beauty.
Pete Hornberger: Fading.
Cerie: '80s.
Richard F. Esposito: 1880s.


"30 Rock: Tracy Does Conan (#1.7)" (2006)
Tracy Jordan: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toufer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy Jordan: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I'll put on a ski mask...
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy Jordan: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No.
Tracy Jordan: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy Jordan: I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...
Pete: No.


"30 Rock: Jack Meets Dennis (#1.6)" (2006)
Liz Lemon: Maybe the musical guest can do some extra songs this week. Who is it?
Pete Hornberger: James Blunt!
Liz Lemon: Ugh.


"30 Rock: Into the Crevasse (#4.2)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: Tracy and Jenna are acting like children.
Pete Hornberger: And like children, they can't be reasoned with. You just put a little whiskey in their juice bottle and wait for sleep to save you.
Liz Lemon: That won't work. Jenna is immune to whiskey, and Tracy is afraid of juice.


"30 Rock: Lee Marvin vs. Derek Jeter (#4.17)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Oh my God, I'm no better than Toofer. Or Lutz with his B.S. Inuit ancestry. Or you, whose dad was in the masons with Dave Garroway. I shouldn't be here.
Pete Hornberger: This is America. None of us are supposed to be here.


"30 Rock: Blind Date (#1.3)" (2006)
Pete Hornberger: [to Liz] Hey, look at you! You look like fancy prostitute!


"30 Rock: Fireworks (#1.18)" (2007)
[it is the night of Jack's big NBC fireworks show. Liz, Pete, and Floyd watch on TV]
Al Roker: [on TV] Welcome to the "Rockefellar Center Salute to Fireworks." Now, without further ado, three hours of fireworks!
[numerous fireworks surround the building, growing in intensity]
Floyd: Wait, fireworks... in midtown?
Liz Lemon: On a day that's *not* the 4th of July.
[the fireworks continue to gain intensity and a high shot on TV shows what looks like explosions surrounding the building]
Pete Hornberger: [spits out his popcorn] Oh, my God!
Liz Lemon: [dryly] Oh, boy. That's gonna scare a lot of people.


"30 Rock: Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001 (#4.7)" (2009)
Pete Hornberger: Boy, if this thing works it could be my ticket out. This job is starting to get to me. Lately I've been shoplifting just to feel in control. Because no one knows I took the candy bar. No one but Peter.