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: I just don't want to disgrace the peacock. Pete Hornberger
: Oh, Kenneth. If you're worried about disgracing the National Broadcasting Company, you're too late.
: Doggone it, Grace; I just don't know myself around you.
: Hello, gentlemen. Welcome to the 9th Annual Cure Diabetes Now Golf Tournament. Jack Donaghy
: Has Don Geiss arrived yet? Kenneth Parcell
: No, sir, but if you'd like, we could work out a signal so I could let you know when he does arrive, like...
[coos like a bird
] Jack Donaghy
: That won't be necessary. Kenneth Parcell
] I'll probably just do it anyway.
: You know, Ted, Kenneth here is one of our more promising young pages. He knows everything there is to know about the business. Kenneth Parcell
: I studied TV theory at Kentucky Mountain Bible College.
: ...let me ask you a question, Kenneth. If Mr. Bright here told you to vote Republican, would you do it? Kenneth Parcell
: Oh, uh, no, sir. I don't vote Republican or Democrat. Choosing is a sin, so I always just write in the Lord's name! Jack Donaghy
: That's Republican. We count those.
: Back then we didn't have pages, you know. We had what we called 'sandwich girls'. Kenneth Parcell
: Oh, because they got you sandwiches? Bucky Bright
: No, no, no, two guys 'd get... Hey, my old dressing room.
: I don't choose Democrat or Republican because choosing is a sin, so I just write in the Lord's name. Jack
: That's Republican; we count those.
: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. Cos I dont believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving. Kenneth
: Oh, okay. Tracy Jordan
: So here's some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age... Live every week, like it's shark week.
: ...but what did I tell you was the secret to havin' a good marriage and keepin' it together, Kenneth? Kenneth Parcell
: Be a good listener, a giver of gifts and work that va-jay-jay. Tracy Jordan
: That's my boyeee!
: You and me... it's not gonna to be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people and not while I'm driving. Kenneth Parcell
: Oh... okay. Tracy Jordan
: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.
: I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant. Kenneth
] Pregnant cornbread...
: I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
: Why are you laughing so hard? It's just the same joke he said earlier. Tracy Jordan
: That can't be right. I like to keep my material fresh. I like it so fresh I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
: I thought we were friends! Liz Lemon
: [in unison with MILF Island, playing in the background
] I didn't come here to make friends! I came here to be number one!
: Miss Lemon. Your eyes look like my uncle's after he would drink from the air conditioner.
: This year I'll be a page for a day, and you'll be my boss. Kenneth
: Thank you, sir. Jack
: That's how the "Bottoms-Up" program works. I'm going to be your bottom Kenneth, and I want you to ride me as hard as you can.
: Do you know why I put up with this 'pitiful job', Mr. Donaghy, why I fetch these folks' lunches and clean up their barfs? Cause they make television. And more then jazz, or musical theater, or morbid obesity, television is the true American artform.
: You like cookie jars, Kenneth? Kenneth Parcell
: Well, I guess I never thought about it that much. We had a nice one back home in Georgia. It had a bear on it. I remember when my mom's friend Ron would come over. They'd go into the bedroom to sort out their paperwork, and I'd just go ahead and stare at that cookie jar. It was almost as if I took every problem that I ever had and I put it inside that cookie jar. And I sealed it up so tight that nothin' would ever, ever, ever get out. So, I guess to answer your question, I'd give cookie jars about a B. Jack
: Some people have so many problems that there aren't enough cookie jars in the world to contain them.
: Miss Lemon, may I speak with you? Liz Lemon
: Sure, can you walk and talk? Kenneth Parcell
: Uh... Usually, but now you've got me thinking about it.
: You want the truth, Kenneth, you want the truth? Kenneth Parcell
: I can't handle the truth! Liz Lemon
: There is an adult picture of me on that phone. Kenneth Parcell
: Adult? You mean like you're driving a car or wearing a suit? Liz Lemon
: It's a boobies picture, Kenneth, and I only kept it because for once they were both pointing in the same direction.
: Come on Tracy just tell us where the money is. Where's the safest place in 30 Rock? Tracy Jordan
: I already told you. It's dry and warm. Its top is hard but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes it's always in the same place. Pete Hornberger
: There's nothing like that in 30 Rock! Nothing! Tracy Jordan
: I never said it was a thing. Kenneth Parcell
: It's me. I am the safest place in 30 Rock!
: I'm sorry, this is a private party. Ridikolous
: Hold on: we're with Tracy Jordan. Kenneth
: And Mr. Jordan himself said "don't let no one in who's not on the list 'cause this mess is gonna get raw like sushi, so haters to the left." Ridikolous
: What's your game? Kenneth
: What's your game? Kenneth
: You can't eat candy if you have diabetes. Tracy Jordan
: There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken; like Larry Bird or Colorado.
: What can I do for you, Miss... Jimplin? Jenna Maroney
: [using the method to prepair for her Janis Joplin role
] Well according to my Wikipedia page, I'm gonna need some Cherry juice, Buttermilk and Tequila to make my signature Janice Joplin cocktail: the Frank-schlong.
: Good God; Devon is gay. He's even more powerful than I thought. Liz Lemon
] Maybe you should seduce him and get him to tell you all his secret plans.
[cut to Kenneth sitting in front of Jack's desk
] Kenneth Parcell
: So, Mr. Donaghy, what can I do for you?
[Jack wants a naïve Kenneth to gather intelligence about Devon Banks
] Jack Donaghy
: You should get to know Devon; tell him all of your television ideas. You know, he started off as a page, just like you. Kenneth Parcell
: Really? So did I!
: I guess I signed off on a script where an Asian character refers to "Rindsey Rohan" posing for "Prayboy". But I know that's very offensive, especially because Asians are under-represented on this network.
: Kenneth, since you've left the page program, finding you a new position here has been one of the most difficult challenges of my career. And I'm including making it through the '80s without having sex with Belinda Carlisle. Kenneth Parcell
: I know, sir. But I just can't work in ad sales. We have far too many sponsors that make house work easier for women.
: Now you're standing on the exact spot where Gracie Allen took Jack Paar's virginity.
: Well, as a child, I had a prize pig that I thought was my best friend. But then one day I picked up one of her piglets - she went crazy! She bit off my nut sack... that I kept tied around my belt to feed squirrels.
: Kenneth is doing a Secret Santa fun swap thing! Frank Rossitano
: Urgh, he takes the 2 worst parts of Christmas, giving and rules and combines them! Kenneth Parcell
: [Flash back
] And then the person with the highest number gives the smallest gift to the tallest person and if they want to switch they cannot unless they do then everyone puts their head down except the murderer - oh wait that's not right. Frank Rossitano
: The whole thing was so confusing I ended up getting my crappy gift back, like I need 2 copies of over 60 Vixens
: Wait, you're dating one of the dancers? Kenneth Parcell
: Oh, no sir, I actually haven't spoken to her yet, but I have a long term plan to marry her and I wanted the company to be aware of my intentions. Jack Donaghy
: I see. I'll be sure to mention that at the next board meeting. Kenneth Parcell
: Thank you, sir. Also, I don't know if this is harassment, but someone at the Today Show made me eat an unripe banana in front of her.
: Still haven't found your wallet, Kenneth? Kenneth Parcell
: Yeah, and I realize I had a prescription in there that I really need. It keeps me from...
[Starts convulsing and braying
] Kenneth Parcell
: Don't worry, it's just a donkey spell.
: Bonus means extra! I know that from game shows!
: [on phone
] Sir, conditions have deteriorated. I made De Marquee captain like you said, but having a kid from Trinidad in charge made the Latino's real mad. And they all seemed to really hate my grandpa, 'cause they keep yelling 'kill whitey' and I'm like 'what do you think you are, alcohol? Jack Donaghy
: [on cellphone
] Right, Kenneth, calm down. There was bound to be some unrest once we removed Tracy. They're testing our resolve. Stay the course.
: [to Tracy's recently estranged wife
] I'm a real good sex person. I do it all the different ways.
: I feel as useless as a mom's college degree.
: Kenneth, just how much money do you have in your savings? Kenneth Parcell
: Well, let's see!
[Kenneth reaches down and picks up a can filled with cash
] Kenneth Parcell
: Eighty thousand dollars! Jack Donaghy
: If you don't include Confederate money. Kenneth Parcell
: Four thousand dollars!
: I've been thinking about what you said, about wishing life could be like TV. Kenneth Parcell
: That would be great, although I'd get rid of those ads that pop up in the middle of your favorite TV shows.
[ad for Bitch Hunter appears mid-bottom screen
] Tracy Jordan
: Well why don't you discuss it with special guest star Florence Henderson?
[applause as she walks in
] Kenneth Parcell
: Mrs. Brady! Florence Henderson
: Uh uh. I told the black guy here, none of that Brady stuff. Now let's get this over with. Which booking is this? Are you the perverts who want to go to town on each other while I make a pie?
[gets out apron
: Can I have a copy to show Mr. Jordan? It would be like watching his own funeral, just like Tom Sawyer. That's a boy from my town. We accidentally buried him alive.
: My real name is... Dick Whitman!
: NBC had the first two black characters on TV... sort of. For "Alfie & Abner," NBC hired one African-American and one Caucasian because they thought two black people on the same show would make the audience nervous; a rule NBC still uses today! Alfie
: [Scene changes to a black & white 1950s TV show, Alfie & Abner. Tracy Morgan enters dressed in fine clothes as Alfie
] Abner, I'm home from work! Where are you, my brother? Abner
: [Entering in ragged overalls with dirt on his face and an afro wig: a blackface character:
] Here I is, Alfie! Alfie
] Aw hell no, I'm not doing this! Kenneth Parcell
: [Scene changes back to Kenneth and the TGS crew
] NBC received a lot of complaints... that the show wasn't on often enough. So they forced Theodore Freeman to honor his contract. Abner
: [Walks in carrying a large catfish
] I's done stole'd dis catfish! Alfie
: Sir, I'm asking you as a human being to please stop talking like that! Abner
: I's gon' eat it until I'm belly-full! Alfie
: This is debasing to the both of us. I was a Tuskegee Airman! Abner
: Zip-a-dee-doo-doo! Alfie
: You may anger me, but I believe non-violence is the path to change. Abner
: I believe you can catch a rainbow in yo hat! Alfie
: I'll kill you, you ignorant cracker!
[Breaks a chair over Abner's head, knocking him out
] Kenneth Parcell
: [Cuts back to the TGS crew, Kenneth still telling the story:
] Believe it or not, they did not stop doing the show. which made for tense but thrilling live TV!
[Cuts back to "Alfie & Abner," where Alfie and Abner sit across from each other in awkward silence. Abner is obviously scared to death. Alfie is waiting for Abner to say something, giving him a death glare. Abner looks at Alfie, not sure what to say. Finally, after a long, awkward silence:
[Alfie tackles Abner, and the screen cuts to a "Technical Difficulties" message
: How come your teeth don't glow in the black light, Kenneth? Kenneth Parcell
: I don't know. You'll have to ask the man who whittled them for me.
: I can't have bedbugs. I went to Princeton. Kenneth Parcell
: Sir, everyone can get them. Back in Stone Mountain, even the mayor had them, and she was a horse.
: Science is my most favorite subject, especially the Old Testement.
: You know what I realized? Maynard was the longest relationship of my life, after Doug. Kenneth Parcell
: Please don't say who Doug... Jenna Maroney
: Doug is my vibrator.
: I ate my father pig!
: I don't drink coffee, sir, I don't drink hot liquids of any kind. That's the devil's temperature.
: Ms Lemon, Mr. Donaghy. I am but a poor pig-farmer's son, but I would be honored if you'd come to a party at my home. Liz Lemon
: Fine, I'll come. Kenneth Parcell
: Super! Mr D? Jack Donaghy
: Uh, no. I could make up some excuse, Kenneth, but I have too much respect for you.
: Is SpongeBob SquarePants supposed to be terrifying? Jack Donaghy
: You're darn right he is.
: Look at us laughing together, like a couple of Jews watching The Daily Show.
: [stampedes into the writers' desk after finding out that her sandwich is missing, with a statue in her hand
] Where's my sandwich? Tracy Jordan
: Lutz made us do it! Lutz
: No it was Frank. Frank
: Lie! It was you!
[the three of them begin to overlap
] Kenneth Parcell
: Stop it! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for a good man to do nothing. Tracy Jordan
: Please aks my permission before you quote me, Kenneth. Liz Lemon
: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin!
] Liz Lemon
: You'll all have chins!
: [Kenneth finds Pete dancing with a very attractive woman at an impromptu party Tracy has thrown in the office
] What are you doing? You are a married man! Pete Hornberger
: Hey, I'm not doing anything wrong. Just... I'm just dancing, Kenneth. Kenneth Parcell
: Do you remember the movie "Footloose," where those evil kids won in the end? You're going to make a mistake tonight. Tracy Jordan
] You're going to make a mistake tonight! Kenneth Parcell
: Remember the vows you and your wife took in that church. Pete Hornberger
: Botanical garden. Kenneth Parcell
: Botanical garden. You promised fidelity - Tracy Jordan
: Lick her face! Kenneth Parcell
: Think of God! Pete Hornberger
: Look, both of you calm down. I'm just trying to have some fun for the first time in, like, ten years.
: Kenneth! you beautiful goon! He's not in Africa; he's somewhere in the delivery zone of Federici's Pizza! We can find him and bring him back here, and no more forced hiatus! Kenneth Parcell
: I did it! I saved the show! Now I won't have to go to News. Liz Lemon
: And I won't have to be the world's worst hooker! Liz Lemon
: [scene changes to an alley where Liz is leaning into a car wearing a sweatshirt and a blue wig:
] You wanna party? It's $500 for kissing and $10,000 for snuggling. End of list.
: Hey everybody! I got fired today. You won't have Kenneth Allen Parcell to kick around anymore. So I'm going to tell you people what I really think of you. No. No. For four years I have listened to you all complain about your East Coast media elite problems, your apartment renovations, and your overpriced Star Wars memorabilia. Carol
: That doorman is hammered. Kenneth Parcell
: I have watched you throw away better food than my family eats at Christmas. And I have loved it. You people, you are my best friends and I hope you get everything you want in life.
] Jack Donaghy
: Kenneth! Kenneth Parcell
: So kiss my face. Carol
: That was actually really sweet. Kenneth Parcell
: I'll see you all in heaven. Have a wonderful summer.
: Kenneth, why did you play that terrible hand? Kenneth Parcell
: Why? Because I believe that life is for the living. I believe in taking risks and biting off more than you can chew. And also, people were yelling, and I got confused about the rules.
: Truth be told, I have not learnt a lot about Kabletown. It's a whole different business model. Kenneth Parcell
: My cousin in Atlanta is a business model. She holds up staplers for catalogues.
: My mother wanted to send me to Vietnam to make a man out of me. Kenneth
: Oh. Jack
: I was twelve.
: Ms. Lemon, a mister DeBarber called. Liz Lemon
: Seriously? Kenneth Parcell
: [serious voice
] A mister DeBarber called.
: [drying his tears
] I'm so sorry, Miss Maroney. Jenna Maroney
: No, keep crying. I want you to feel this so you never make this mistake again.