Tracy Jordan
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Quotes for
Tracy Jordan (Character)
from "30 Rock" (2006)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"30 Rock: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)
Tracy Jordan: Excuse me, where's the manager? I'm from the goverment and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets!

Tracy Jordan: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

Tracy Jordan: You know how pissed off I was when U.S. Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack - I'm straight-up mentally ill!

Tracy Jordan: [Running through traffic in nothing but tighty whities, screaming] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!

Tracy Jordan: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us, while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

Jack: I want you to think about Tracy Jordan.
Pete: The black guy?
Jack: The black movie star. I flew with him on a private jet to the Super Bowl recently and I found him very entertaining.
Liz Lemon: Isn't he, um... crazy?
Jack: Tracy's had his problems in the last few years.
Tracy Jordan: [cut to Tracy on the news, running through traffic in his underwear] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!


"30 Rock: Succession (#2.13)" (2008)
Tracy Jordan: My genius is come alive... like toys when your back is turned.

Tracy Jordan: Which of my hobbies should I indulge first... videogames or pornography?

Tracy Jordan: My genius will not be denied. I'm like Mozart. and you're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.
Frank Rossitano: Salieri?
Tracy Jordan: No thank you. I already ate.

Tracy Jordan: I need to clear my thoughtcicles.

Tracy Jordan: I was born to design a video game where characters get weird with each other for golden points. My genius will not be denied.


"30 Rock: The Fighting Irish (#1.17)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: Hey, Liz Lemon: Do you know where I could find a good church?
Liz Lemon: How good? Like, Judaism-good, or just, like, Unitarian?

Tracy Jordan: My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

Tracy Jordan: So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz Lemon: Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

[Tracy is seeking a religion for publicity]
Tracy Jordan: Hey, Jack's brother: What religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.
Eddie Donaghy: Oh, well, uh, I'm Irish Catholic. Now, I know there's been a lot of controversy around the church lately, ya know, because of The Da Vinci Code, but what's great is you can do anything - anything - and as long as you go to confession, it's forgiven.
Tracy Jordan: I'm Irish Catholic.

Tracy Jordan: Hey, did you hear the good news, J.D.? I'm Irish Catholic now, like you, Regis, and the Pope.
Jack Donaghy: Oh, ho ho, no you're not. The church already has enough lawsuits.
Tracy Jordan: See, I can screw up now, and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.
Jack Donaghy: That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.
Tracy Jordan: I don't think I want that. I'm out.
[Jack turns to leave]
Jack Donaghy: [to himself] Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.
[Jack crosses himself]


"30 Rock: The C Word (#1.14)" (2007)
Ted: Pleasure to have met you.
Tracy Jordan: Damn straight. I'm delightful!

Tracy Jordan: I don't have a daughter.
Jack Donaghy: [puts his arm around Tracy] Let's have casting session on Monday.

Tracy Jordan: [knocks on Jack's door]
Jack Donaghy: Come on in, Tracy.
Tracy Jordan: Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cause she *asked* me to take it out.

Don Geiss: Thank you so much for being here and supporting diabetes research.
Tracy Jordan: Hey, I feel you. Messed-up sugar runs in my family, too.

Tracy Jordan: I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.


"30 Rock: Somebody to Love (#2.6)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon. Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

Tracy Jordan: Tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you're science.

Tracy Jordan: Tell her that you want your privates and her privates to do a high five.

Tracy Jordan: Tell her, her butt looks like an apple and you want to take a bite.

Tracy Jordan: Stop eating people's old french fries, pigeon! Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?


"30 Rock: Fireworks (#1.18)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.

Tracy Jordan: I think I am.
Maury Povich: Tracy, meet your father, Tom!
Tracy Jordan: No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! You can't be my father!
Sally Hemings: Hey, Maury. He's a dog! He's a dog!
Maury Povich: Sally Hemmings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson.
Thomas Jefferson: No matter, Maurice. I am here for you, Tracy Jordan. I rode a horse all the way from heaven to tell you something important. America, which I invented...
[the audience boos, and Jefferson makes a pixelated rude gesture to the audience]
Thomas Jefferson: ... which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts. Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan. And may the force be with you always.

[Tracy is trying to avoid a subpoena regarding a paternity test]
Toofer: How do you know it's not your child?
Tracy Jordan: 'Cause I remember the girl, and it's impossible. I never got out of my car, and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth.

Tracy Jordan: Dr. Spacemen, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.

Maury Povich: All right, Tracy, l have the DNA results right here. Are you ready to find out who your biological father is?
Tracy Jordan: I think I am.
Maury Povich: Tracy... meet your father, Tom!
Tracy Jordan: [Jack enters dressed as Thomas Jefferson] No! l hate you, Thomas Jefferson! l don't know who l am anymore! You can't be my father!
Sally Hemings: Maury, he a dog! He a dog and a liar!
Maury Povich: Sally Hemings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson
Jack: [as Thomas Jefferson] No matter, Maurice. l'm here for you, Tracy Jordan. l rode a horse all the way from Heaven to tell you something important. America, which l invented...
Crowd: Booooooo!
Jack: [as Thomas Jefferson] - Which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts. Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan. And may the Force be with you always.


"30 Rock: Hard Ball (#1.15)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.
Kenneth: [whimsically] Pregnant cornbread...

Tracy Jordan: I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
[others laugh]
Kenneth: Why are you laughing so hard? It's just the same joke he said earlier.
Tracy Jordan: That can't be right. I like to keep my material fresh. I like it so fresh I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Tracy Jordan: [thinking his dressing room TV is voice-activated] Television on! Pornography!

Tracy Jordan: I love you so much I'm going to take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.


"30 Rock: Rosemary's Baby (#2.4)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: [to his psychiatrist] Who's crazier,me or Ann Curry?

Tracy Jordan: Tracy Jordan: I don't need the therapy! I'm just mentally ill!

Tracy Jordan: Who's crazier? Me or Ann Curry?

Tracy's Father: Tracy, don't stare directly at the sun. It'll make you crazy.
Tracy Jordan: You're not my dad!


"30 Rock: The Aftermath (#1.2)" (2006)
Tracy Jordan: [Recording new promos for The Girlie Show] Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.
Liz Lemon: That's great Tracy but it's peacock.
Tracy Jordan: What I say?
Liz Lemon: Peacork.
Tracy Jordan: Peacock. Think peaCOCK. Right, Jenna?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.
Liz Lemon: Okay. That time I think you may have hit it a little bit too hard. Also can you throw Jenna's name in there for me?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malvangany?
Liz Lemon: Maroney, rhymes with baloney.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my baloney?
Liz Lemon: Nope.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet?
[end of take]
Tracy Jordan: I think we got it! I think we got it!
Jack: Yep, I think we did.

Tracy Jordan: So I said, 'Rick, this chick's got a Adam's apple.' And Rick said to me, I'll never forget this, he said, 'Freaky-deekies need love too... Freaky-deekies need. love. too.'

Tracy Jordan: You don't have to thank me, Lemon. We're a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken, and a chicken container.


"30 Rock: Emanuelle Goes to Dinosaur Land (#4.21)" (2010)
Tracy Jordan: It's all coming back to me! Oh, my God! I slept on a dog bed stuffed with wigs! I saw a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! A ribcage! Why did you bring me here? I locked out those memories for a reason! Oh, Lord! A guy with dreads electrocuted my fish!

Tracy Jordan: Why are we here? I thought we were going somewhere boring. This is an awesome copy shop.

Tracy Jordan: Well I'm sorry Sean, and child actor whose name I can't remember. You haven't walked in my shoes! All my life I've tried to forget the things I've seen: I slept on an old dog bed stuffed with wigs! I watched a prostitute stab a clown! Our basketball hoop was a ribcage! A guy in dreads electrocuted my fish! a crackhead breast-feeding a rat! A homeless man cooking a Hot Pocket on a third rail of the G train! The G train, Nermal!


"30 Rock: The Collection (#2.3)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: The only way I can feel good about myself is to be booby slapped by a coked out Russian stripper.

Tracy Jordan: I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they got food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.
Liz Lemon: I did know that, yeah.

Tracy Jordan: [after Liz tells him he can't go to a strip club] I'm sorry, Liz, this is who I am. You can't ask a bird not to fly. You can't ask a fish not to swim. You can't ask a tiger not to turn back into a Chinese dude at midnight!


"30 Rock: The Source Awards (#1.16)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: He bit Shug Knight! He made Rasheed Wallace cry!

Tracy Jordan: The manatee has become the Mento.

Liz Lemon: Tracy, do you think I'm racist?
Tracy Jordan: No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah is part of your effort to protect our dignity.
Liz Lemon: Oh, by the way, when you do that impression, don't forget to stretch everything out. "We've got John Travoltaaaaaaaaa!"


"30 Rock: Tracy Does Conan (#1.7)" (2006)
Tracy Jordan: Where your feet at, blue man?

Tracy Jordan: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toufer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy Jordan: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I'll put on a ski mask...
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy Jordan: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No.
Tracy Jordan: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy Jordan: I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...
Pete: No.

Tracy Jordan: What else is on my mind-grapes?


"30 Rock: Into the Crevasse (#4.2)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: A book hasn't given me this much trouble since Waldo went to that barber pole factory.

Jenna Maroney: I don't know if you know this, but werewolves only come out at night.
Liz Lemon: Yes, I learned that from the Thriller video.
Tracy Jordan: Too soon.

Tracy Jordan: Oh yeah, there's a garbage bag in the hall with a reef shark in it. Just put him in the tub with a reef.


"30 Rock: Idiots Are People Three! (#6.3)" (2012)
Denise Richards: Idiots can do anything we put our minds to. I played a nucular scientist in a James Bonk movie.
Liz Lemon: What can I do to make this go away?
Tracy Jordan: Call my cell phone so I can hear the chicken dance again!
Denise Richards: And I want the video for my new single to play on TGS this week.
Tracy Jordan: But we want you to represent the community! Idiots aren't just strippers or stay at home moms, idiots are all around us! So it would mean a lot if you apologize publicly, since you already wrote mine, we went ahead and wrote yours.
[presents Liz with an Etch-A-Sketch]

Liz Lemon: Whazzup? Yeah baby! I'm here today to apologize for my earlier comments. I used an offensive term to describe a group of people that made America the continent that it is today. These kick ass people have given the world countless bodacious things like the Birther movement, intelligent design, water parks... No, I will not endorse water parks. They're cess pools of disease and people boo you when you walk back down the stairs. You know what you people have given the world? Girls Gone Wild. The Golden Globes. Cans that tell you how cold your beer is. Florida. Brass dolls.
Tracy Jordan: Oh I get it, she's naming some things.
Liz Lemon: Listen to me, because of you there may be an Entourage movie!
Tracy Jordan: What's his name again?
[crowd chants "Turtle! Turtle!"]
Liz Lemon: No listen to me! I should give up at this point but I'm not going to! No, you're just gonna keep on riding motorcyles, having unprotected sex, and voting against free health care. You will make the same self destructive decisions over and over and over and over. And you will never be happy. Your job will hurt all the time. No one will make you Deutsche pancakes, or let you break down the jail when you play Monopoly. Oh my god I'm such an idiot!
[crowd cheers]

Jack Donaghy: You know Tracy, you and I have very similar upbringings. Greatness can come from anywhere.
Tracy Jordan: And stupidity can also come from anywhere. Anyone can be the next Jack Donaghy or the next Denise Richards.
Denise Richards: [inside an elevator] This room is moving!


"30 Rock: Jack the Writer (#1.4)" (2006)
Tracy Jordan: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. Cos I dont believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.
Kenneth: Oh, okay.
Tracy Jordan: So here's some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age... Live every week, like it's shark week.

Tracy Jordan: ...but what did I tell you was the secret to havin' a good marriage and keepin' it together, Kenneth?
Kenneth Parcell: Be a good listener, a giver of gifts and work that va-jay-jay.
Tracy Jordan: That's my boyeee!

Tracy Jordan: You and me... it's not gonna to be a one-way street. 'Cause I don't believe in one-way streets. Not between people and not while I'm driving.
Kenneth Parcell: Oh... okay.
Tracy Jordan: So, here's some advice I wish I woulda got when I was your age: Live every week like it's Shark Week.


"30 Rock: Jackie Jormp-Jomp (#3.18)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like on that HBO show, John Adams.

Tracy Jordan: Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.


"30 Rock: The Bubble (#3.15)" (2009)
Jack Donaghy: I've arranged for one of Tracy's childhood idols to reach out to him.
Tracy Jordan: Hello?
Jack Donaghy: Tracy, this is Jack, I have someone here who wants to speak with you.
Rick: Tracy, this is Bill Cosby...
Liz Lemon: [whispering] Really? This is your strategy?
Jack Donaghy: [whispering and smiling] I heard him do this at a party!
Rick: ...I want you to come back to the TGS for the people who like the jokes and the things.
Tracy Jordan: Bill Cosby, you got a lotta nerve gettin' on the phone wit' me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette!
Rick: I think you're confusing me with someone else.
Tracy Jordan: 1971. Cincinnati. She was a cocktail waitress with the droopy eye!
Rick: I'm the guy... with the pudding...
Tracy Jordan: Don't try to tell me what to do! Heathcliffe Huxtable, wit' yo' light-ass kids! Jack! Why would you make me talk to this man?
Jack Donaghy: Tracy, wait!
[Deepens voice slightly. ]
Jack Donaghy: Tracy this is Billy Dee Williams, I just wanna say I love your work, it's very smooth...
[Lemon groans and walks out]

Tracy Jordan: Now get in here and rub my feet until you hear a chopper coming.


"30 Rock: Future Husband (#4.14)" (2010)
Tracy Jordan: I wonder if they give awards for tarantula displacement?

Jenna Maroney: Acting is about consistency and control.
Tracy Jordan: Got it. No farting.


"30 Rock: Khonani (#4.18)" (2010)
Tracy Jordan: This is bad, because I can't change. I'm like a chameleon: always a lizard!

Tracy Jordan: Well, I yelled out Baba-Booey at Walter Kronkite's funeral, so I actually have no idea of what's rude or not...


"30 Rock: Retreat to Move Forward (#3.9)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: So how bad is diabetes, really?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Quite serious. If left untreated you could lose a foot.
Tracy Jordan: Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetsons?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I suppose. But then you'd have to register as a motor vehicle.

Kenneth Parcell: You can't eat candy if you have diabetes.
Tracy Jordan: There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken; like Larry Bird or Colorado.


"30 Rock: Subway Hero (#2.12)" (2008)
Tracy Jordan: My fellow Blackmericans!

Tracy Jordan: Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.
[holds up a screwdriver]


"30 Rock: The Baby Show (#1.9)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: [answering phone] Yo!
Josh Girard: [impersonating Jack Donaghy] Tracy. It's Jack Donaghy. I hear we have a problem with Josh Girard.
Tracy Jordan: Damn right! Keeps impersonating me! Makin' me into a caricature!
Josh Girard: Well, I would take care of this if I could. But it's tricky. You see, Josh's father's an assassin with the Russian mafia. They call him "El Matador."
Tracy Jordan: Whoooa. Those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don't need any of that noise.
Josh Girard: It happies me. To hear you say that. For being so understanding, I'm sending you our new, super-top-secret invisible motorcycle.
Tracy Jordan: For reals?
Josh Girard: [laughs] For realsies. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see adoctor. I keep pooping during sex.

Tracy Jordan: This is untoward! This is NOT TOWARD!


"30 Rock: Sun Tea (#4.6)" (2009)
Frank Rossitano: Hey, Tracy! Now you can tell me your filthy strip club story.
Tracy Jordan: Frank, I'm gonna have a daughter and I would never tell that story. It's demeaning to women. Especially if they had their boobies sneezed on by a tiger.

Jack Donaghy: Tracy Jr. made you an acrostic.
Tracy Jordan: Well I hope he makes me an 'across helmet so I don't get hurt playin' 'across.


"30 Rock: The Rural Juror (#1.10)" (2007)
Jack: Look, Tracy - I can't just give you money. But what I can do is show you how you can earn all the money you need. You must know Arsenio...
Tracy Jordan: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named Arsenio Billingham?
Tracy Jordan: No.

Tracy Jordan: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don't I?


"30 Rock: The Natural Order (#3.20)" (2009)
Liz Lemon: You cost the show a lot of money with your shenanigans.
Tracy Jordan: Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon.

Liz Lemon: It costs the show a lot of money when you pull these shenanigans
Tracy Jordan: Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang. We have a black president now.
Liz Lemon: What do you care? You voted for Nader.


"30 Rock: Klaus and Greta (#4.9)" (2010)
Tracy Jordan: Kenneth, your haircut is disrespectful to lesbians!

Liz Lemon: Well now you just have to hope that it's a girl.
Tracy Jordan: I know it's a girl, Liz Lemon, because I yelled, "Susan B. Anthony," at the moment of conception.


"30 Rock: Idiots Are People Two! (#6.2)" (2012)
Tracy Jordan: The so called idiot community will not be silenced
Liz Lemon: For god sakes' Tracy!
Tracy Jordan: We are legion! We are America! Frat boys, DJs, loud mouth old bitches, investment bankers, the tramp stamp, parrot heads, anti vaccination crusaders, and people who won't shut up about scuba diving!

Tracy Jordan: [voice mail message] Hi, this is Tracy's cell phone. Dotcom, hold the steering wheel, I need to leave my outgoing message. Oh my god, what did I just hit, was that a person? Is that paint or blood? Dotcom, this did not happen! We take this to our graves!
[beep]
Liz Lemon: Tracy, this is Liz Lemon, please call the office when you get the chance. As you pointed out, my extension spells out the word "Anus". Bye.
[hangs up]


"30 Rock: The Break-Up (#1.8)" (2006)
Tracy Jordan: I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

Tracy Jordan: Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch


"30 Rock: Cleveland (#1.20)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: I'm gonna have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.


"30 Rock: Secret Santa (#4.8)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: Why don't Catholics eat meat on Fridays? I'll tell you why: because the Pope owns Long John Silver's.


"30 Rock: Ludachristmas (#2.9)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: The holidays without drinkin' is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I though she was and I can not play the guitar.


"30 Rock: Season 4 (#4.1)" (2009)
Jenna Maroney: [Jenna has just joined the protest] Jenna Maroney is great! No new castmember!
Tracy Jordan: New what? If it's a blonde woman, I'ma kill myself!


"30 Rock: I Heart Connecticut (#5.19)" (2011)
Liz Lemon: You wore a penis hat to Princess Diana's funeral!
Tracy Jordan: Because I wore it to her wedding! It meant something to the three of us!


"30 Rock: Cougars (#2.7)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: Have you ever been to knuckle beach? It's a totally different world; a world where orange soda is an acceptable substitute for breast milk.


"30 Rock: Flu Shot (#3.8)" (2009)
Jenna Maroney: They need medicine. And what's the best medicine?
Tracy Jordan: Medicine?


"30 Rock: ¡Qué Sorpresa! (#5.13)" (2011)
Jack: Everyone, I need your attention. Gather up. I said "everyone," Sketch-Tron 6000. Mr. Hank Hooper, the owner of our new parent company Kabletown, is touring 30 Rock for the first time today. I WILL make a good first impression, so I need all of you to be your most normal. Tracy, do not mention where you think dinosaurs come from.
Tracy Jordan: Do not mention the underwater city of Sironicon. Got it.


"30 Rock: The Problem Solvers (#4.5)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: You're blowing up like a balloon with a grenade in it.


"30 Rock: A Goon's Deed in a Weary World (#7.11)" (2013)
Tracy Jordan: Ladies and gentlemen of the Cabletown board, I quit.
Jenna Maroney: So do I.
Liz Lemon: What the hell are you doing?
[to the executives]
Liz Lemon: They're replaceable. We can get David Allan Grier and Miss Piggy.
Tracy Jordan: I'll telling you what we're doing, LL. We're finally stepping up.
Jenna Maroney: This show is a disaster. Except for the very moving Todd Debeikes tribute. Todd, we'll miss you.
Tracy Jordan: I know you wanna save TGS, Lemonhead, but there is no TGS to save, and you should be at the airport right now picking up your chili.
Jenna Maroney: Children, Tracy.
Tracy Jordan: Children? Why the hell are you still here?
Jenna Maroney: We knew you'd never give up, so for once, let us step up and do what we do best: nothing.
Liz Lemon: You're doing this for me?
Frank Rossitano: We all are. I quit, Liz.
Pete Hornberger: Me too.
Toofer: I quit.
J.D. Lutz: Mommy's baby quits.
Cerie: I actually quit two years ago.
Subhas: Subhas out. Suck it.


"30 Rock: Goodbye, My Friend (#3.13)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: I don't need a birthday, 'couse I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.


"30 Rock: My Whole Life Is Thunder (#7.8)" (2012)
Tracy Jordan: I've been thinking about what you said, about wishing life could be like TV.
Kenneth Parcell: That would be great, although I'd get rid of those ads that pop up in the middle of your favorite TV shows.
[ad for Bitch Hunter appears mid-bottom screen]
Tracy Jordan: Well why don't you discuss it with special guest star Florence Henderson?
[applause as she walks in]
Kenneth Parcell: Mrs. Brady!
Florence Henderson: Uh uh. I told the black guy here, none of that Brady stuff. Now let's get this over with. Which booking is this? Are you the perverts who want to go to town on each other while I make a pie?
[gets out apron]


"30 Rock: Gentleman's Intermission (#5.6)" (2010)
Tracy Jordan: I'm Tracy Jordan. When I go to sleep, nothing happens in the world.


"30 Rock: The Ones (#3.19)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: You are wise, Liz Lemon. Like a genetically manipulated shark.


"30 Rock: Larry King (#3.12)" (2009)
Pete Hornberger: Come on Tracy just tell us where the money is. Where's the safest place in 30 Rock?
Tracy Jordan: I already told you. It's dry and warm. Its top is hard but its bottom is soft. And although the location changes it's always in the same place.
Pete Hornberger: There's nothing like that in 30 Rock! Nothing!
Tracy Jordan: I never said it was a thing.
Kenneth Parcell: It's me. I am the safest place in 30 Rock!


"30 Rock: Unwindulax (#7.4)" (2012)
Liz Lemon: Jack was right, people don't want an idea bomb dropped on them.
Tracy Jordan: Don't give up! That is not the Lisa Loeb that I know!
Liz Lemon: How do I even vote? New York is going to go for Obama anyways. Maybe if I lived in Ohio I could make a difference.
Tracy Jordan: Actually no, Ohio is going to go for Romney.
Liz Lemon: You don't know which way Ohio is going.
Tracy Jordan: But I do know! Liz Lemon, I've done standup in every state in this country. I know the people of America! I know how they think!
[holds up a US map puzzle]
Tracy Jordan: I can tell you exactly how this election is gonna play out.
Jack Donaghy: Everyone knows that Romney has a vacation home in New Hampshire, but they don't know that he hunts people on that property. Therefore, New Hampshire goes to Obama.
Tracy Jordan: North Carolina goes to Romney. I know, I did shows there this summer, and they are not on board with a black man lecturing them. I don't care if it's Obama talking about health care, or me talking about white butts. They are different than black butts!
Jack Donaghy: Pennsylvania is Obama's. The voting machines there have become sentient, and are strongly in favor of gay marriage.
Tracy Jordan: We're not gonna win Wisconsin, I don't know why.
Jack Donaghy: Ever since Tracy set fire to Lambeau Field, Wisconsinites are strongly coming around in favor of the death penalty. That just leaves...
Tracy Jordan: Florida, the penis of America!
Jack Donaghy: Florida, the penis of America.
Tracy Jordan: Now just like any penis, Florida is very complicated. The Cubans in the South - very conservative. I had a lot of expensive cigars put out on me in Miami comedy clubs.
Jack Donaghy: But central Florida is dominated by retirees, serial killers, and secretly gay Disney princes, all of whom love Obama. Meanwhile, Northern Florida... huh.
Tracy Jordan: The only crowds I could never figure out were in Northern Florida. One minute they're laughing at me, the next they're laughing at me.
Jack Donaghy: According to this, the electorate there is impossible to predict. It's a combination of elderly shut ins, beach bums, bus passengers...
Tracy Jordan: Bus passengers that ran out of money, swamp people, and pirates! These people don't like being told what to do, they just want to sit on the beach and drink. Their motto is "Unwindulax".
Liz Lemon: Oh my god! One person can make a difference, and that person is Jenna!
Jack Donaghy: The next president of the United States will be chosen by Jenna Maroney!


"30 Rock: Black Light Attack! (#4.10)" (2010)
Tracy Jordan: How come your teeth don't glow in the black light, Kenneth?
Kenneth Parcell: I don't know. You'll have to ask the man who whittled them for me.


"30 Rock: Florida (#7.10)" (2013)
Tracy Jordan: What kind of Dinosaur was your grandfather?


"30 Rock: Audition Day (#4.4)" (2009)
Jenna Maroney: We have to stop Jayden Tyler! He's evil, Tracy!
Tracy Jordan: He's evil Tracy? Oh, he's evil, comma, Tracy.


"30 Rock: Kidney Now! (#3.22)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: I grew up with that guy, he was the baddest gangster in my class. We called him Mean Steve. But his real name was Stephen Killer.


"30 Rock: Do-Over (#3.1)" (2008)
Tracy Jordan: Let's go shopping. To the Batmobile!
Grizz: [to Liz] Don't worry, he's just leasing it.


"30 Rock: Anna Howard Shaw Day (#4.13)" (2010)
Liz Lemon: Tray, I need you to pick me up from the dentist.
Tracy Jordan: No can do, Liz Lemon. Every Valentines Day, Angie and I rent a heart-shaped tub to make chili on. Then we take it to the homeless shelter, and that's when things start getting sexy.


"30 Rock: Episode 210 (#2.10)" (2008)
Tracy Jordan: Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.


"30 Rock: Greenzo (#2.5)" (2007)
Liz Lemon: People are going to show up expecting all this great stuff and they're going to be disappointed and angry.
Tracy Jordan: Just like Colonial Williamsburg.


"30 Rock: Believe in the Stars (#3.2)" (2008)
Tracy Jordan: Do you know who I am? Seriously, please tell me who I am!


"30 Rock: Jack Meets Dennis (#1.6)" (2006)
Tracy Jordan: Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!
Liz Lemon: Oh..."Normal"! How... dare they?
Tracy Jordan: That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.
Liz Lemon: What is the problem?
Tracy Jordan: I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!
[rest of room just stares, nonplused; Tracy indignantly does the robot backward out the door]
Liz Lemon: Wow. Talkin' to that guy is like lookin' in a mirror, huh?


"30 Rock: Secrets and Lies (#2.8)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: I do not want to disappoint my Japanese public, especially Godzilla. HAHAHAHA! Just kidding. I know he doesn't care what humans do.


"30 Rock: Apollo, Apollo (#3.16)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: What is this, Horse-ville? 'Cause I am surrounded by nay-sayers! Wordplay!


"30 Rock: Double-Edged Sword (#5.14)" (2011)
Tracy Jordan: Cornell commencement address? Sorry, but Tracy Jordan doesn't do safety schools.


"30 Rock: Winter Madness (#4.11)" (2010)
Tracy Jordan: We didn't land on Plymouth Rock! Plymouth Rock landed on Mars!


"30 Rock: Corporate Crush (#1.19)" (2007)
Tracy Jordan: [Liz walks into her office, and sees Tracy feeding a horse] Hey Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? I gotta get rid of Freddie's erection.


"30 Rock: Sandwich Day (#2.14)" (2008)
Liz Lemon: [stampedes into the writers' desk after finding out that her sandwich is missing, with a statue in her hand] Where's my sandwich?
Tracy Jordan: Lutz made us do it!
Lutz: No it was Frank.
Frank: Lie! It was you!
[the three of them begin to overlap]
Kenneth Parcell: Stop it! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for a good man to do nothing.
Tracy Jordan: Please aks my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.
Liz Lemon: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin!
[shouting]
Liz Lemon: You'll all have chins!


"30 Rock: Black Tie (#1.12)" (2007)
Kenneth Parcell: [Kenneth finds Pete dancing with a very attractive woman at an impromptu party Tracy has thrown in the office] What are you doing? You are a married man!
Pete Hornberger: Hey, I'm not doing anything wrong. Just... I'm just dancing, Kenneth.
Kenneth Parcell: Do you remember the movie "Footloose," where those evil kids won in the end? You're going to make a mistake tonight.
Tracy Jordan: [sleazy] You're going to make a mistake tonight!
Kenneth Parcell: Remember the vows you and your wife took in that church.
Pete Hornberger: Botanical garden.
Kenneth Parcell: Botanical garden. You promised fidelity -
Tracy Jordan: Lick her face!
Kenneth Parcell: Think of God!
Pete Hornberger: Look, both of you calm down. I'm just trying to have some fun for the first time in, like, ten years.


"30 Rock: Don Geiss, America and Hope (#4.15)" (2010)
Jack Donaghy: We can still save this. What did she reveal?
Tracy Jordan: Everything! My addiction to prescription lenses, my attention deficit disorder... Jack, your shoes are really shiny.


"30 Rock: Cutbacks (#3.17)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: Jenna, I just want you to know that if we find any human remains in there, I'm gonna throw up all over your face.


"30 Rock: Jack-Tor (#1.5)" (2006)
Tracy Jordan: I can't read Liz Lemon. My shameful secret is out... now you know why I'm always running into the ladies bathroom.
[walks into hallway]
Tracy Jordan: I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! NADER!


"30 Rock: The Funcooker (#3.14)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: Here comes the funcooker.
[takes down his pants]


"30 Rock: Floyd (#4.16)" (2010)
Jenna Maroney: I just had another Kenneth dream!
Tracy Jordan: Me too! But how do I know this isn't another dream? Wait a minute. All my teeth are loose. This is real.


"30 Rock: Dealbreakers Talk Show #0001 (#4.7)" (2009)
Tracy Jordan: I like to thank my creative team for coming in such short notice. Also, sorry I'm four hours late.


"30 Rock: Reunion (#3.5)" (2008)
Jenna Maroney: [bursting into Tracey's dressing room] Kenneth is a monster!
Tracy Jordan: We have to stop him!


"30 Rock: Operation Righteous Cowboy Lightning (#5.12)" (2011)
Liz Lemon: You're getting an island?
Tracy Jordan: Every crazy A-lister owns an island. Nicolas Cage, Celine Dion, Charles Widmore...


"30 Rock: Let's Stay Together (#5.3)" (2010)
Tracy Jordan: I love cop shows. Personally, I can't wait for Law and Order to start up again.
[Grizz whispers into Tracy's ear]
Tracy Jordan: What? It was a tentpole! A tentpole!