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Quotes for
Tracy Jordan (Character)
from "30 Rock" (2006)

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"30 Rock: The C Word (#1.14)" (2007)

Ted: Pleasure to have met you.
Tracy Jordan: Damn straight. I'm delightful!

Tracy Jordan: I don't have a daughter.
Jack Donaghy: [puts his arm around Tracy] Let's have casting session on Monday.

Tracy Jordan: [knocks on Jack's door]
Jack Donaghy: Come on in, Tracy.
Tracy Jordan: Yo, is this about that little redheaded intern? 'Cause she *asked* me to take it out.

Ted: Pleasure to have met you.
Tracy Jordan: Damn straight! I'm delightful.

Don Geiss: Thank you so much for being here and supporting diabetes research.
Tracy Jordan: Hey, I feel you. Messed-up sugar runs in my family, too.

Tracy Jordan: I'm not familiar with about half the words in that sentence.

"30 Rock: The Fighting Irish (#1.17)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: Hey, Liz Lemon: Do you know where I could find a good church?
Liz Lemon: How good? Like, Judaism-good, or just, like, Unitarian?

Tracy Jordan: My attorney told me I should join a church preemptively, 'cause juries are suspicious of celebrities who find religion after getting into trouble.

Tracy Jordan: So, what's your religion, Liz Lemon?
Liz Lemon: Hmm, I pretty much just do whatever Oprah tells me to.

[Tracy is seeking a religion for publicity]
Tracy Jordan: Hey, Jack's brother: What religion are you? This one sounds really expensive and gay.
Eddie Donaghy: Oh, well, uh, I'm Irish Catholic. Now, I know there's been a lot of controversy around the church lately, ya know, because of The Da Vinci Code, but what's great is you can do anything - anything - and as long as you go to confession, it's forgiven.
Tracy Jordan: I'm Irish Catholic.

Tracy Jordan: Hey, did you hear the good news, J.D.? I'm Irish Catholic now, like you, Regis, and the Pope.
Jack Donaghy: Oh, ho ho, no you're not. The church already has enough lawsuits.
Tracy Jordan: See, I can screw up now, and then just go to confession. No longer do I have to throw my parties in international waters.
Jack Donaghy: That's not how it works, Tracy. Even though there is the whole confession thing, that's no free pass, because there is a crushing guilt that comes with being a Catholic. Whether things are good or bad or you're simply... eating tacos in the park, there is always the crushing guilt.
Tracy Jordan: I don't think I want that. I'm out.
[Jack turns to leave]
Jack Donaghy: [to himself] Somehow, I feel oddly guilty about that.
[Jack crosses himself]

"30 Rock: Pilot (#1.1)" (2006)

Tracy Jordan: Excuse me, where's the manager? I'm from the goverment and I'm here to inspect your chicken nuggets!

Tracy Jordan: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

Tracy Jordan: You know how pissed off I was when U.S. Weekly said that I was on crack? That's racist! I'm not on crack - I'm straight-up mentally ill!

Tracy Jordan: [Running through traffic in nothing but tighty whities, screaming] I am a Jedi! I am a Jedi!

Tracy Jordan: Affirmative action was designed to keep women and minorities in competition with each other to distract us, while white dudes inject AIDS into our chicken nuggets.

"30 Rock: Hard Ball (#1.15)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: I love this cornbread so much, I want to take it behind a middle school, and get it pregnant.
Kenneth: [whimsically] Pregnant cornbread...

Tracy Jordan: I love Halo so much, I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.
[others laugh]
Kenneth: Why are you laughing so hard? It's just the same joke he said earlier.
Tracy Jordan: That can't be right. I like to keep my material fresh. I like it so fresh I want to take it behind a middle school and get it pregnant.

Tracy Jordan: [thinking his dressing room TV is voice-activated] Television on! Pornography!

Tracy Jordan: I love you so much I'm going to take you behind the middle school and get you pregnant.

"30 Rock: Fireworks (#1.18)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: Doctor Spaceman, when they check my DNA, will they tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM pin code?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.

Tracy Jordan: I think I am.
Maury Povich: Tracy, meet your father, Tom!
Tracy Jordan: No! I hate you, Thomas Jefferson! I don't know who I am anymore! You can't be my father!
Sally Hemings: Hey, Maury. He's a dog! He's a dog!
Maury Povich: Sally Hemmings just called you a dog, Thomas Jefferson.
Thomas Jefferson: No matter, Maurice. I am here for you, Tracy Jordan. I rode a horse all the way from heaven to tell you something important. America, which I invented...
[the audience boos, and Jefferson makes a pixelated rude gesture to the audience]
Thomas Jefferson: ... which I invented, is a great country because we are not burdened by our pasts. Embrace who you are, Tracy Jordan. And may the force be with you always.

[Tracy is trying to avoid a subpoena regarding a paternity test]
Toofer: How do you know it's not your child?
Tracy Jordan: 'Cause I remember the girl, and it's impossible. I never got out of my car, and she never got all the way out of her tollbooth.

Tracy Jordan: Dr. Spacemen, when they check my DNA, will it tell me what diseases I might get, or help me to remember my ATM PIN code?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Absolutely. Science is whatever we want it to be.

"30 Rock: Rosemary's Baby (#2.4)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: [to his psychiatrist] Who's crazier,me or Ann Curry?

Tracy Jordan: Tracy Jordan: I don't need the therapy! I'm just mentally ill!

Tracy Jordan: Who's crazier? Me or Ann Curry?

"30 Rock: The Source Awards (#1.16)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: He bit Shug Knight! He made Rasheed Wallace cry!

Tracy Jordan: The manatee has become the Mento.

Liz Lemon: Tracy, do you think I'm racist?
Tracy Jordan: No. I think you like to dress black men as Oprah is part of your effort to protect our dignity.
Liz Lemon: Oh, by the way, when you do that impression, don't forget to stretch everything out. "We've got John Travoltaaaaaaaaa!"

"30 Rock: The Rural Juror (#1.10)" (2007)

Jack: Look, Tracy - I can't just *give* you money. But what I can do is show you how you can *earn* all the money you need. You must know Arsenio...
Tracy Jordan: Hall or Billingham?
Jack: You know someone named *Arsenio Billingham*?
Tracy Jordan: No.

Tracy Jordan: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I have two ears and a heart, don't I?

Tracy Jordan: I'm gonna make you a mix tape. You like Phil Collins?
Jack: I've got two ears and a heart, don't I?

"30 Rock: Succession (#2.13)" (2008)

Tracy Jordan: My genius is come alive... like toys when your back is turned.

Tracy Jordan: Which of my hobbies should I indulge first... videogames or pornography?

Tracy Jordan: My genius will not be denied. I'm like Mozart. and you're like that guy who was always jealous of Mozart.
Frank Rossitano: Salieri?
Tracy Jordan: No thank you. I already ate.

"30 Rock: The Aftermath (#1.2)" (2006)

Tracy Jordan: [Recording new promos for The Girlie Show] Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacork, baby.
Liz Lemon: That's great Tracy but it's peacock.
Tracy Jordan: What I say?
Liz Lemon: Peacork.
Tracy Jordan: Peacock. Think peaCOCK. Right, Jenna?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peaCOCK, baby.
Liz Lemon: Okay. That time I think you may have hit it a little bit too hard. Also can you throw Jenna's name in there for me?
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. Right, Jenna Malvangany?
Liz Lemon: Maroney, rhymes with baloney.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan, and I'm bringing the black back to NBC. And I'm proud as a peacock. Right, my baloney?
Liz Lemon: Nope.
Stage Manager: In 3, 2...
Tracy Jordan: Hi, I'm Tracy Jordan. I'm black NBC. Very proud, like peacocks. Right, Janet?
[end of take]
Tracy Jordan: I think we got it! I think we got it!
Jack: Yep, I think we did.

Tracy Jordan: So I said, 'Rick, this chick's got a Adam's apple.' And Rick said to me, I'll never forget this, he said, 'Freaky-deekies need love too... Freaky-deekies need. love. too.'

Tracy Jordan: You don't have to thank me, Lemon. We're a team now. Like Batman and Robin. Like chicken, and a chicken container.

"30 Rock: Tracy Does Conan (#1.7)" (2006)

Tracy Jordan: Where your feet at, blue man?

Tracy Jordan: I have to be charming on Conan tonight. This is my chance to redeem myself with mainstream America.
Toufer: Okay, well. Just tell us some things about your life, and we'll try to punch it up and make it talk show-worthy.
Pete: Maybe something about you and your wife.
Tracy Jordan: Me and my wife like to play rape. She go in the bathroom and do her hair. Then, I'll put on a ski mask...
Frank: Hey, uh, you got anything about being a dad? People eat that garbage up.
Tracy Jordan: I like to walk around my house naked, to remind my oldest son who's still got the biggest ding-dong.
Pete: No.
Tracy Jordan: Or I could tell the story of how I met Sharon Stone.
Pete: What was that?
Tracy Jordan: I was pooping in the ladies' room at The Ivy...
Pete: No.

Tracy Jordan: What else is on my mind-grapes?

"30 Rock: Somebody to Love (#2.6)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: Stop eating people's old French fries, pigeon. Have some self respect! Don't you know you can fly?

Tracy Jordan: Tell her you want her to donate her body to science and you're science.

"30 Rock: Retreat to Move Forward (#3.9)" (2009)

Tracy Jordan: So how bad is diabetes, really?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: Quite serious. If left untreated you could lose a foot.
Tracy Jordan: Could I replace it with a wheel, like Rosie from the Jetsons?
Dr. Leo Spaceman: I suppose. But then you'd have to register as a motor vehicle.

Kenneth Parcell: You can't eat candy if you have diabetes.
Tracy Jordan: There's no link between diabetes and diet. That's a white myth, Ken; like Larry Bird or Colorado.

"30 Rock: The Baby Show (#1.9)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: [answering phone] Yo!
Josh Girard: [impersonating Jack Donaghy] Tracy. It's Jack Donaghy. I hear we have a problem with Josh Girard.
Tracy Jordan: Damn right! Keeps impersonating me! Makin' me into a caricature!
Josh Girard: Well, I would take care of this if I could. But it's tricky. You see, Josh's father's an assassin with the Russian mafia. They call him "El Matador."
Tracy Jordan: Whoooa. Those dudes are crazy. Forget it. I don't need any of that noise.
Josh Girard: It happies me. To hear you say that. For being so understanding, I'm sending you our new, super-top-secret invisible motorcycle.
Tracy Jordan: For reals?
Josh Girard: [laughs] For realsies. Now if you'll excuse me, I need to see adoctor. I keep pooping during sex.

Tracy Jordan: This is untoward! This is NOT TOWARD!

"30 Rock: Jack the Writer (#1.4)" (2006)

Tracy Jordan: But I want you to know something... You and me, it's not gonna be a one-way street. Cos I dont believe in one-way streets. Not between people, and not while I'm driving.
Kenneth: Oh, okay.
Tracy Jordan: So here's some advice I wish I would have got when I was your age... Live every week, like it's shark week.

Tracy Jordan: …but what did I tell you was the secret to havin’ a good marriage and keepin’ it together, Kenneth?
Kenneth Parcell: Be a good listener, a giver of gifts and work that va-jay-jay.
Tracy Jordan: That’s my boyeee!

"30 Rock: Jackie Jormp-Jomp (#3.18)" (2009)

Tracy Jordan: Friendship and trust in the entourage is the most important thing. Like on that HBO show, John Adams.

Tracy Jordan: Heavy is the head that eats the crayons.

"30 Rock: The Collection (#2.3)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: The only way I can feel good about myself is to be booby slapped by a coked out Russian stripper.

Tracy Jordan: I'm whipped. Angie got me up at 7.30 today. Did you know in the morning they got food, TV, almost everything? It's pretty good.
Liz Lemon: I did know that, yeah.

"30 Rock: Subway Hero (#2.12)" (2008)

Tracy Jordan: My fellow Blackmericans!

Tracy Jordan: Now if you'll excuse me, Nixon asked me to take some stuff out of his Wikipedia page.
[holds up a screwdriver]

"30 Rock: The Break-Up (#1.8)" (2006)

Tracy Jordan: I want to hold a mirror up to society and then win world record for biggest mirror.

Tracy Jordan: Sneaky Taiwanese tranny who stole my watch

"30 Rock: Cleveland (#1.20)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: I'm gonna have so much money, my grandkids are gonna play lacrosse. Lacrosse, Liz Lemon.

"30 Rock: Ludachristmas (#2.9)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: The holidays without drinkin' is rough. Turns out football is boring, my wife's sister ain't as cute as I though she was and I can not play the guitar.

"30 Rock: Goodbye, My Friend (#3.13)" (2009)

Tracy Jordan: I don't need a birthday, 'couse I buy myself all the presents I need. And because of my drinking, they're often a surprise.

"30 Rock: The Ones (#3.19)" (2009)

Tracy Jordan: You are wise, Liz Lemon. Like a genetically manipulated shark.

"30 Rock: Kidney Now! (#3.22)" (2009)

Tracy Jordan: I grew up with that guy, he was the baddest gangster in my class. We called him Mean Steve. But his real name was Stephen Killer.

"30 Rock: Do-Over (#3.1)" (2008)

Tracy Jordan: Let's go shopping. To the Batmobile!
Grizz: [to Liz] Don't worry, he's just leasing it.

"30 Rock: Episode 210 (#2.10)" (2008)

Tracy Jordan: Regrets are for horseshoes and handbags.

"30 Rock: Greenzo (#2.5)" (2007)

Liz Lemon: People are going to show up expecting all these great things, and they'll be really disappointed and angry.
Tracy Jordan: Just like Colonial Williamsburg.

"30 Rock: Believe in the Stars (#3.2)" (2008)

Tracy Jordan: Do you know who I am? Seriously, please tell me who I am!

"30 Rock: Jack Meets Dennis (#1.6)" (2006)

Tracy Jordan: Did you see this? It's horrible! They're printing libel about me again. Libel, Liz Lemon!
Liz Lemon: Oh...”Normal"! How... dare they?
Tracy Jordan: That's what I'm saying! That's character assassination! That's not normal! It only looks like I'm walking out of a Starbucks, when actually I'm doing the robot going backwards INTO a Starbucks! And I don't even know whose dog that is! Yes, I steal dogs.
Liz Lemon: What is the problem?
Tracy Jordan: I can't be normal. If I'm normal, I'm boring. If I'm boring, I'm not a movie star. If I'm not a movie star, I'm poor! And poor people can't afford to pay back the $75,000 in cash they owe Quincy Jones!
[rest of room just stares, nonplused; Tracy indignantly does the robot backward out the door]
Liz Lemon: Wow. Talkin' to that guy is like lookin' in a mirror, huh?

"30 Rock: Sandwich Day (#2.14)" (2008)

Liz Lemon: [stampedes into the writers' desk after finding out that her sandwich is missing, with a statue in her hand] Where's my sandwich?
Tracy Jordan: Lutz made us do it!
Lutz: No it was Frank.
Frank: Lie! It was you!
[the three of them begin to overlap]
Kenneth Parcell: Stop it! This is all my fault, Miss Lemon, because I let it happen. And the only thing necessary for the triumph of evil is for a good man to do nothing.
Tracy Jordan: Please aks my permission before you quote me, Kenneth.
Liz Lemon: I don't know how, but you're gonna get me another sandwich. Or I'm gonna cut your face up so bad you'll have a chin!
[shouting]
Liz Lemon: You'll all have chins!

"30 Rock: Reunion (#3.5)" (2008)

Jenna Maroney: [bursting into Tracey's dressing room] Kenneth is a monster!
Tracy Jordan: We have to stop him!

"30 Rock: The Bubble (#3.15)" (2009)

Jack Donaghy: I've arranged for one of Tracy's childhood idols to reach out to him.
Tracy Jordan: Hello?
Jack Donaghy: Tracy, this is Jack, I have someone here who wants to speak with you.
Rick: Tracy, this is Bill Cosby...
Liz Lemon: [whispering] Really? This is your strategy?
Jack Donaghy: [whispering and smiling] I heard him do this at a party!
Rick: ...I want you to come back to the TGS for the people who like the jokes and the things.
Tracy Jordan: Bill Cosby, you got a lotta nerve gettin' on the phone wit' me after what you did to my Aunt Paulette!
Rick: I think you're confusing me with someone else.
Tracy Jordan: 1971. Cincinnati. She was a cocktail waitress with the droopy eye!
Rick: I'm the guy... with the pudding...
Tracy Jordan: Don't try to tell me what to do! Heathcliffe Huxtable, wit' yo' light-ass kids! Jack! Why would you make me talk to this man?
Jack Donaghy: Tracy, wait!
[Deepens voice slightly. ]
Jack Donaghy: Tracy this is Billy Dee Williams, I just wanna say I love your work, it's very smooth...
[Lemon groans and walks out]

"30 Rock: Flu Shot (#3.8)" (2009)

Jenna Maroney: They need medicine. And what's the best medicine?
Tracy Jordan: Medicine?

"30 Rock: Corporate Crush (#1.19)" (2007)

Tracy Jordan: [Liz walks into her office, and sees Tracy feeding a horse] Hey Liz Lemon. Could you go away for a while? I gotta get rid of Freddie's erection.

"30 Rock: Black Tie (#1.12)" (2007)

Kenneth Parcell: [Kenneth finds Pete dancing with a very attractive woman at an impromptu party Tracy has thrown in the office] What are you doing? You are a married man!
Pete Hornberger: Hey, I'm not doing anything wrong. Just... I'm just dancing, Kenneth.
Kenneth Parcell: Do you remember the movie "Footloose," where those evil kids won in the end? You're going to make a mistake tonight.
Tracy Jordan: [sleazy] You're going to make a mistake tonight!
Kenneth Parcell: Remember the vows you and your wife took in that church.
Pete Hornberger: Botanical garden.
Kenneth Parcell: Botanical garden. You promised fidelity -
Tracy Jordan: Lick her face!
Kenneth Parcell: Think of God!
Pete Hornberger: Look, both of you calm down. I'm just trying to have some fun for the first time in, like, ten years.

"30 Rock: Cutbacks (#3.17)" (2009)

Tracy Jordan: Jenna, I just want you to know that if we find any human remains in there, I'm gonna throw up all over your face.

"30 Rock: Jack-Tor (#1.5)" (2006)

Tracy Jordan: I can't read Liz Lemon. My shameful secret is out... now you know why I'm always running into the ladies bathroom.
[walks into hallway]
Tracy Jordan: I can't read! I sign my name with an X! I once tried to make mashed potatoes with laundry detergent! I think I voted for Nader! NADER!

"30 Rock: The Funcooker (#3.14)" (2009)

Tracy Jordan: Here comes the funcooker.
[takes down his pants]

"30 Rock: The Natural Order (#3.20)" (2009)

Liz Lemon: You cost the show a lot of money with your shenanigans.
Tracy Jordan: Don't patronize me with your Celtic slang, Liz Lemon.