Max Russo
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Quotes for
Max Russo (Character)
from "Wizards of Waverly Place" (2007)

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Wizards of Waverly Place: The Movie (2009) (TV)
Justin Russo: Mom and Dad don't know each other and they don't know us!
Max Russo: So is this a good thing or a bad thing?
Alex Russo: The kid's got a point.
Justin Russo: This is a very *very* bad thing!

Max Russo: Hey, I'm right here!
Alex Russo: Yes you are, and I love you for that!
[They hug]

Theresa Russo: You know its where your father and I first met each other...
Alex Russo: She's going to tell it!
Justin Russo: Mom, please don't tell it.
Theresa Russo: Did I ever tell you that story?
Max Russo: Aaand, she's telling it.

Justin Russo: Dude, this is gonna be the best vacation ever.
Max Russo: Are there gonna be volcanoes?
Justin Russo: No.
Max Russo: Then how great can it be?

Jerry Russo: Alex, if one day possibly you pass and/or show up to an exam, you can use the spell book and the family wand, too. It's just they're extremely powerful, and it takes a certain level of responsibility.
Alex Russo: But I'm responsible enough! I can be trusted! I think this is completely unfair to me and Max. Right, Max?
[sees Max with Justin's enchanted messenger bag over his head and body]
Alex Russo: Dude! Max!
[pulls bag off Max]
Alex Russo: Dude, you are so not helping right now!
Max Russo: And I am so getting one of those!

Max Russo: [packing his suitcase] Ah, who needs underwear?

"Wizards of Waverly Place: First Kiss (#1.2)" (2007)
Max Russo: To the Max!

Alex Russo: Sell it dummy, you can make another one!
Max Russo: That'll be eighty dollars
Mr. Malone: What?
Max Russo: Ok, for senior citizin, four dollars

Max Russo: [tasting sandwich] Its close but this one has too much teriyaki.
Theresa Russo: Honey, we didn't put any teriyaki on it.
Max Russo: Then it needs teriyaki!
Jerry Russo: [frustrated] This one has too much cheese. This one needs barbeque sauce. And this one tastes like armpit! How do you even know that?
Max Russo: Wrestling
[with a "duh" look on his face]

Theresa Russo: Tell us about it
[first kiss]
Theresa Russo: , honey.
Alex Russo: Umm i-it was at this place, with this guy, and um it was very romantic. Over Christmas vacation.
Max Russo: We went to see Grandma and Grandpa over Christmas.

Justin Russo: Are those mashed potatoes on a sandwich?
Max Russo: And a bit of chicken schnitz with a peanut butter blanket.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Who Will Be the Family Wizard? (#4.27)" (2012)
Jerry Russo: How often does Uncle Kelbo come around? A couple times a year. Aunt Megan - never. You know why? Because we let the competition come between us. Promise you'll stick together no matter who becomes the family wizard.
Justin Russo: I promise, dad.
Alex Russo: I promise.
Max Russo: I promise.
Jerry Russo: Not to me - to yourselves.

Justin Russo: Okay. Okay. She's stuck in griffin spit. That's what they do to hold food for their hatchlings.
Harper Finkle: Ew ew ew.
Max Russo: [Tasting the substance] Yep, that's griffin - bird with a hint of cat.

Max Russo: I can't believe this. I-I-I prepared myself - knowing that the next time I walked through that portal, one of us would be the family wizard - not none of us would be the family wizard.
Justin Russo: And not just us - any Russo from now on. Alex just cut down our family tree and *burned* it!
Alex Russo: I told you I though we would come back in time.
Theresa Russo: Come on, Justin. Now's not the time to point fingers.
Jerry Russo: Remember you promised each other not to let the competition come between you.
Justin Russo: There is no competition. So the deal's off - because of *her*.

Jerry Russo: I'm selling the business
Justin Russo: What? Why?
Jerry Russo: Well, I always loved the Substation because it was a family business. But we're not much of a family anymore.
[Jerry leaves]
Alex Russo: Well, dad, aren't you rushing into this? Wha - dad?
Max Russo: Mom, what's going to happen?
Theresa Russo: I don't know. But your father is... heartbroken.

Alex Russo: Max, will you forgive me too?
Max Russo: Alex, of course I forgive you. Any sister of Justin's is a sister of mine... None of you can say that didn't make sense.
Jerry Russo: Now *this* is my family.
Harper Finkle: Yeah, a bunch of people selling barely edible food to an unsuspecting public. Ah, those are the Russos I know.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: The Crazy 10 Minute Sale (#1.1)" (2007)
Alex Russo: How do I look?
Max Russo: Why?
Alex Russo: Because, I'm going to duplicate myself, and if I look ugly, I don't wanna look twice as ugly.

Jerry Russo: [looking at wand] There's a lot of great memories wrapped up in this wand.
Theresa Russo: And a lot of stories I'm tired of hearing.
Max Russo, Justin Russo: [laughs, then immediately stops when dad looks at them]
Justin Russo: She said it. We didn't.

[Jerry sees Max trying to hold up Alex's duplicate]
Jerry Russo: What are you doing?
Max Russo: Dancing. With my sister. Practicing for that new reality show...
Max Russo: "Dancing With My Sister".

Max Russo: [after sitting on something hard and cracking it] Either I just found Dad's wand or I cracked my buttknuckle.
Justin Russo: I'm no doctor, but I'm fairly certain there's no such thing as a buttknuckle.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Report Card (#1.17)" (2008)
[last lines]
Max Russo: Well, I really hate both of you. Now we don't have any guinea pigs!

[first lines]
Justin Russo: Got it.
Alex Russo: Does he have to say, "Got it" after every question? It's throwing me off on my exam.
Max Russo: [surprised] We're taking an exam?

[Prof. Crumbs has arrived at the Russo household to collect the Russo siblings' exams and grade them]
Max Russo: Why doesn't Dad just grade our papers?
Professor Crumb: So that no one will get better grades just by batting their eyes and trying to look cute.
Alex Russo: [batting her eyes and looking cute] Are you talking about me?
Justin Russo: [mocking Alex's expression] Alex, you're doing it right now.

[Justin and Max have lost Alex's guinea pigs that are really their parents transformed and try to figure out a solution]
Max Russo: We'll go to the pet store. They always give me a treat.
Justin Russo: Those are dog biscuits.
Max Russo: I know. What do you think keeps my teeth so white and my hair so shiny?

"Wizards of Waverly Place: The Good, the Bad, and the Alex (#3.15)" (2010)
[first lines]
Max Russo: [using a hair dryer on a slab of meat] Making my own beef jerky's going to take a lot longer than I thought.

[last lines]
Jerry Russo: [chanting] I've got me some pudding. For dinner. Hm, hm. Are you jealous?
[Max steps back]
Jerry Russo: A bearded lady! Oh, man! Trade ya.
Max Russo: Take a walk, pudding-face.

Max Russo: Dad said if this ever happened, we should run and change our names. Run, Giuseppe, Run!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Pop Me and We Both Go Down (#1.10)" (2008)
Max Russo: [after the tiny trophy man crawls up his sleeve and emerges from his pants leg, carrying a pair of white underpants] Hey, my underwear! Hey, you know what, I was wearing those for ten straight days!

[first lines]
Theresa Russo: He-e-y, how was school? Max, why are you carrying Alex's backpack like that?
Max Russo: She told me my backpack was bending my spine, so she gave me hers to even it out.
Alex Russo: Let's check.
[takes her backpack]
Alex Russo: There, all straight. You're welcome.
Jerry Russo: Alex, your brother is not your pack mule.
Max Russo: Yeah, I'm not your pack mule.
Alex Russo: I'm sorry, Maxie.
[hands him her backpack]
Alex Russo: Could you take this upstairs for me?
Max Russo: Sure.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Quinceanera (#1.20)" (2008)
[first lines]
Jerry Russo: Okay. Before I start class, I want to remind you all that your grandmother is coming for a visit. And since she's your mother's mother and not my mother she doesn't know anything about all of this.
Max Russo: You mean how you won't turn on the AC in here?
Jerry Russo: No, I'm talking about magic. And when grandma's here no-one uses magic or talks about magic.

[last lines]
Jerry Russo: Well, guys, you managed to refrain from using magic the whole time grandma's been here.
Alex Russo: You're welcome.
Max Russo: It wasn't easy.
Justin Russo: Took a lot of restraint.
Jerry Russo: Well, you should really pat yourselves on the back.
Magdalena: Well, I've never been in *this* room before.
Jerry Russo: Uh, ah...
Magdalena: Wow, is this room what I think it is?
Max Russo: What room do *you* think it is?
Magdalena: Hmmm.
[grabs Max]
Magdalena: The wrestling room.
Max Russo: Two out of three!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Alex's Spring Fling (#1.19)" (2008)
[first lines]
Justin Russo: [on phone] Eh, Mom. OK, so you and dad crossed over into New Jersey, right? Then it's official; I'm in charge.
Justin Russo: Because, what if there was a tidal wave or something?
Justin Russo: I know, I know, I know. But if there was, then would I be in charge? Yes!
[he hangs up]
Justin Russo: Alright, I'm in charge!
Alex Russo: [Alex hits him with a water balloon] Oh, look, a tidal wave. Now you're in charge.
Justin Russo: Not funny, Alex; this is my new sweater.
Alex Russo: Justin, when you wear it every day for a week, it's not new; it just needs a wash.
Max Russo: [Max hits him with a water balloon] OK. I washed it. You're welcome.

[last lines]
Max Russo: Oh, come on, you grandpas! Can't anyone dunk me? You know, it's really hot out here. I could really use a dip.
[Alex slaps the trigger, dunking him]

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Credit Check (#1.18)" (2008)
[first lines]
Jerry Russo: Okay, everybody, gather round. Time for the semi-annual new sandwich idea meeting. Okay, Max. Go!
Max Russo: The crust-lover's special. It's a sandwich made out of only bread crusts.
Jerry Russo: Well, what do you do with the middles?
Max Russo: It'd be nice if you pitched ideas rather than problems, once in a while.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Little Sister (#1.12)" (2008)
Jerry Russo: Lesson number two is about genies that live in a lamp. And they are the con artists of the wizard world.
Alex Russo: Con artists? I thought they were supposed to grant you three wishes.
Justin Russo: They do. But they take your wish and they twist it around into something you wish you never wished for.
Max Russo: Is Alex a genie?
[Justin laughs]
Jerry Russo: No, she's just your older sister. But good, Max, you understand the concept.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Curb Your Dragon (#1.8)" (2007)
[first lines]
Jerry Russo: [as a goat] OK, Alex, change me back.
Alex Russo: Oh, but, Daddy, you look so cute as a goat.
Max Russo: Let's make him eat a tin can.
Jerry Russo: Not funny, Ma-ax. Alex, change me ba-a-ak.
Alex Russo: OK, OK. Huminoza espinoza.
Jerry Russo: [Jerry returns to human form] Oh!
Justin Russo: We really got your goat, huh, Dad.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Alex's Brother Maximan (#2.5)" (2008)
[first lines]
Max Russo: [reading a comic book] The best superhero crime fighter on the planet, is Mr. Spandex Avenger.
Alex Russo: Ooh, cute tights. Oh my gosh, I totally have the same pair. Yeah.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Hugh's Not Normous (#2.18)" (2009)
[last lines]
Alex Russo: Wow! So your clock radio is broken.
Max Russo: Yup.
Alex Russo: Your lava lamp is lavaless.
Max Russo: Mm-hm.
Alex Russo: And your ceramic hamburger has a gnarly bite out of it.
Max Russo: You got that right.
Alex Russo: [sarcastically] Wow, Max, you sure got me by wrecking all of your *own* stuff.
Max Russo: That's right I got you- Wait! Ah, man, I think I got me.
Justin Russo: [picking up some broken items] Wha- eh. Dude, this is mine.
Max Russo: So you got her too, Sucker! High five, brother

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Alex Does Good (#2.17)" (2009)
Max Russo: Justin, one last favor. Could you maybe pretend to be the waiter so she doesn't know I'm being chaperoned.
Justin Russo: Yeah dude, no problem. I got a suit that I've been dying to wear ever since grandma made that miraculous recovery.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Wizard School: Part 2 (#1.14)" (2008)
[last lines]
Theresa Russo: Isn't this the strangest thing you have ever seen?
Jerry Russo: No. It's a dream come true. Giant things eating what they are. C'mon, who hasn't had that dream?
Max Russo: If a giant claw comes out of the sky and grabs one of them, then I've had that dream.
Jerry Russo: That's weird.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Alex Charms a Boy (#3.8)" (2010)
[last lines]
Max Russo: Hey, Monster Guy. You may've noticed that lately I've been acting like I totally don't know what's going on.
Justin Russo: Lately?
Max Russo: So you noticed; great. Yeah, like, like remember when I let all those monsters out of that book?
Justin Russo: Yeah. They all escaped and destroyed the rest of the monster hunters, but me.
Max Russo: Yeah, that's not the worst part. Um, one of those monsters, uh, was the mummy who stole your girlfriend, so, I mean, I guess "technically" you can, can be mad at me.
Justin Russo: You know... that reminds me of something.
Max Russo: Yeah.
Justin Russo: Something I have to do.
Max Russo: OK.
Justin Russo: And I need your help.
Max Russo: My- yes! Great. Cause I'm here for you. Whatever you need.
Justin Russo: Good.
Max Russo: Yeah.
Justin Russo: [yells] Sneak attack!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Smarty Pants (#2.1)" (2008)
Justin Russo: Smarty Pants. They give whoever wears them superior knowledge on anything and everything there is to know. I'd put 'em on but I'm already smarter than them.
Alex Russo: Ooh, you're smarter than pants, good for you!
Justin Russo: Now pay attention while I read off some of the possible side effects of keeping the pants on too long. Side effects may be headache, nausea, rash, chronic giggling, belly button bubbles, say it don't spray it disease, tongue reversal, ear gas, sweaty knees, Picasso face, problems with the bowels...
[Alex puts Night Cap over Justin's head and he falls asleep]
Alex Russo: All right, lesson's over! Come on, Max!
Max Russo: I think I'm gonna stay and draw on his face!
Alex Russo: Okay, cool!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: I Almost Drowned in a Chocolate Fountain (#1.3)" (2007)
[last lines]
Justin Russo: Alex! Wow, thanks for not ratting us out.
Alex Russo: Don't thank me. I didn't rat you out because I'm going to get even for you guys getting even.
Justin Russo: Oh.
Max Russo: Oh no! *Her* getting even is *way* worse than telling.
Justin Russo: [Running upstairs, yells] Dad, it was us!
Max Russo: We did it!
Justin Russo: We gave the elves chocolate!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Art Museum Piece (#1.21)" (2008)
[last lines]
Jerry Russo: Now, what you are about to see I normally don't condone, but it's a heck of a lot of fun.
Theresa Russo: Okay, kids, watch this.
[she walks into the door]
Theresa Russo: Ow!
Max Russo: I guess we found out how long the spell lasts.
Theresa Russo: I hate living with wizards.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Helping Hand (#2.14)" (2009)
Max Russo: Hey, I've got something that'll put our name on the wizard map! OK... how about a spell to make clear plastic that's sticky on one side and that helps put wizards put drawings on the refridgerator? I'll call it 'Russo's Sticky Strips'.
Justin Russo: You know, that sounds vaguely similar to something that we have right here called tape!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Alex's Choice (#1.7)" (2007)
[last lines]
Justin Russo: How is washing their laundry community service?
Officer Lamp: We're part of the community, aren't we?
Max Russo: Oh, that's bunk.
Goblin: Hey, careful with that; it's my wife's.
Theresa Russo: Oh, it's lovely.
[holds up pullover with 6 arms]
Theresa Russo: She must be very, uh... handy.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Uncle Ernesto (#3.25)" (2010)
Max Russo: [Referring to a magic chicken that tells the future] I'm going to ask it if I'll ever be able to pull off skinny jeans.
Alex Russo: Let me answer that; no.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Wizards vs. Finkles (#3.23)" (2010)
Harper Finkle: Do you even know where Romania is?
Alex Russo: [Scoffs] Yes, it's in Rome, duh! I know my states!
Max Russo: She's right, you know.
Jerry Russo: [Slaps Max upside the head] No she's not! Thank you, Mr. and Mrs. D in Geometry!

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Max's Secret Girlfriend (#3.19)" (2010)
Alex Russo: Max, I appreciate you wanting to lie about having our parents, but changing your first name isn't going to fool anyone.
Max Russo: Oh, no, I know, but I changed my last name too. To Sawyer.
[Alex and Harper laugh]
Harper Finkle: No kidding.
Alex Russo: Tom Sawyer!
Max Russo: Yeah.
Alex Russo: That is such an obvious lie. It's the name from the Rush song.
Harper Finkle: And the classic book!
Alex Russo: Wow. That song was good; I didn't know they made a book out of it.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Graphic Novel (#2.3)" (2008)
Max Russo: Hey Justin, why don't we invent an edible flaming sandwich for kids?
Justin Russo: Because, I think most kids like having their eyebrows.

"Wizards of Waverly Place: Wizards vs. Werewolves (#3.9)" (2010)
Justin Russo: What makes you think I'm gonna find her?
Max Russo: Because in the 10 years I've known you, I've never seen you give up on anything.
Justin Russo: You sure do have your moments of wisdom, don't you Max?... You've known me longer than 10 years.
Max Russo: Yeah, I really wasn't paying attention in the beginning though. Alex told me you were a butler.