Alistair Deacon
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Quotes for
Alistair Deacon (Character)
from "As Time Goes By" (1992)

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"As Time Goes By: The Psychotherapist (#6.2)" (1997)
Alistair: Hey, you dropped a carrot.
Jean: No, I didn't drop it; I threw it at Lionel.

Alistair: You knew Judy was going out, didn't you?
Sandy: Yes, I did.
Alistair: Guys can get hurt as well, Sandy. Very deeply hurt.
Sandy: Yes, I know they can, Alistair, but you're not one of them so stop overacting. Let's face it, you got just what you deserved.
Alistair: You're probably right. So... What're you doing this evening?

Alistair: Jean didn't put me up to this; cross my heart, Lye, and hope to become unattractive to women.

Alistair: You look great! What is it about girls in business suits?
Sandy: With you, the same thing it is about girls in anything.
Alistair: This is true.

"As Time Goes By: Wedding Day Nerves (#4.8)" (1995)
Judith: [about a biker] Did you just call him Kong?
Alistair: Yes. Nice guy.
Judith: I'm sure he is. Where did you find him? In a cave?
Alistair: Professionally. I'm his publisher.
Judith: What on earth does he write?
Alistair: Poetry

Mrs. Bale: Mr Deacon, would you come and have a word with Kong? He's crying in the kitchen.
Alistair: Yes, of course. I'm glad you're not a poet, Lye. They're temperamental souls.

[last lines]
Judith: The taxi's around the corner and your cases are in it.
Jean: Oh.
Lionel: Well done.
Jean: Well, where is everybody?
Judith: They're in the garden, assembling for a group photograph.
Sandy: Come on! You can be across the border in a few hours.
Jean: What border?
Lionel: The Scottish border; we're booked on the sleeper.
Jean: Ooh!
[kisses Lionel]
Jean: You clever old thing.
Lionel: I've never just been a pretty face.
Alistair: [calling from the garden] What's going on in there? Where're the dream team?
Jean: Running!
Lionel: Running!

"As Time Goes By: A Deeply Personal Problem (#8.1)" (2000)
Alistair: See it from my point of view. Even if we do make up some imaginary prob, Judy and Sandy could still try to make me tell them what it is. What if they lock me in a bedroom somewhere and start taking their clothes off? I'd crack; I know I would.

Alistair: Back to my lonely bachelor existence, I suppose.
Sandy: Oh no, stay and finish your coffee.
Alistair: What're you doing?
Sandy: Taking my jacket off.
Alistair: Why?
Sandy: Because I'm hot! Why did you *think* I was taking my jacket off?
Alistair: It could be a way of getting information out of a guy.
[Sandy sighs]
Alistair: Well, it could.
Sandy: Sometimes, Alistair, you live in a dream world.
Alistair: [softly] Yes.

Alistair: I mean, me, Alistair Deacon, running away from two beautiful women! Has the world gone mad?

"As Time Goes By: A House Full of Women (#4.1)" (1995)
[first lines]
Judith: [answering the door] Not today, thank you.
Alistair: Hey, hey-hey-hey, it's me!
Judith: Oh, so it is. I'm so sorry, I didn't recognize you. I thought you were a brush salesman.
Alistair: Wha... Nobody could seriously take me for a brush salesman, now could they?
Judith: I was just trying my hand at a little gentle sarcasm.
Alistair: Yes, I know. But a brush salesman?

Alistair: How would you like to toss a coin into the Trevi Fountain, Rome, Italy tonight?
Judith: I'd never reach.
Alistair: No.
Alistair: I mean as we stroll past the Trevi Fountain on our way to dinner.
Judith: You're inviting me to dinner tonight in Rome?
Alistair: Yeah, and you know what they say: See Rome and dine.

"As Time Goes By: Going Online (#8.6)" (2000)
Alistair: Look at you! Is that dress split to the thigh or what!
Sandy: It's not split at all.
Alistair: A guy can dream.

Lionel: When you say broke, is that a, a comparative term?
Alistair: No, I mean stony. Lye, you are looking at yesterday's man.
Lionel: Come on.
Alistair: Where?
Lionel: Home. I think you need to be with friends.
Alistair: They all hate me.
Lionel: Don't make difficulties. Come on.

"As Time Goes By: Welcome News (#4.5)" (1995)
[an obnoxious Hollywood producer has come to London to see Lionel]
Alistair: Mike Barbosa stepped off a plane this morning.
Lionel: Is it too much to hope that it was in midair at the time?

Alistair: Jean, could you please keep at least one of Lionel's feet on the ground?
Jean: Not if he's hopping mad.

"As Time Goes By: What Now? (#9.4)" (2002)
Alistair: So, when are you off to the land of the moose and the maple leaf, Harry?
Harry: This afternoon. I just came to say goodbye really.
Alistair, Judith, Lionel: Ah.
Harry: No I didn't.
[grabs Sandy]
Sandy: Oh! Harry!
[Harry marches her out of the pub]
Judith: Well, well, well.
Alistair: Woof, woof, woof. Old Harry, eh? i wonder what got into the guy.
Lionel: A bit of backbone, I hope.
Judith: Well, not before time.

Harry: I hadn't thought. I've only got one ticket!
Sandy: Harry!
Jean: Lionel, what do we do?
Lionel: Well, there's always standby, I suppose. Perhaps...
Alistair: [on his mobile] Hello? Gary Pearson please. Well, yes, I'm sure he is. Just say the word Xanadu to him.
Alistair: Gary, hi. Alistair Deacon here. Yeah, look, I'm in warp drive. Your 6 o'clock flight to Calgary, fully booked? Mmm. Do I have to say the word Xanadu again? Yeah, two. First class of course. Yeah, well, one's an upgrade and the other, well... She's always been first class. Great, you're a mate, At the desk. OK. So long, cowboy.
[hangs up]
Alistair: No probs. No no no, no, really. No probs.
Harry: Alistair. I never thought I'd say this, but... You're a mate.
Alistair: That means one thing to me, Harry. It's hug time.

"As Time Goes By: Lionel's New Hobby (#5.3)" (1996)
Sandy: What do you want to talk about?
Alistair: Hey-hey!
[he kisses her neck]
Sandy: Alistair! What are you doing!
Alistair: What comes naturally, naturally.

Sandy: I really do *like* you
Alistair: Ugh! I hate it when women say that to me.
Sandy: Oh!
[she kisses his cheek]
Alistair: I don't suppose we could try and, uh, upgrade the like.
Sandy: Good night, Alistair.

"As Time Goes By: Wedding Preparations (#4.7)" (1995)
Alistair: So, how are the battle plans going?
Jean: Oh.
Judith: Oh, you know...
Jean: A shambles!
Alistair: Then why not let me arrange everything. Hmm? Modesty forbids me to say that I am brilliant at organizing, but
Alistair: I am brilliant at organizing.

Daisy: Goodbye, Mr Deacon.
Alistair: Oh, hey, uh, did I give you my number?
Daisy: Uh, no need; I've got your number.

"As Time Goes By: The Bathroom (#8.3)" (2000)
Lionel: Anybody else want some tea?
Alistair: No thanks, Lye. I'm taking this delicious morsel out for a delicious morsel.
Sandy: Every one of those loses you a point, you know.

Jean: Well, you must have some opinion.
Alistair: Oh, I do, I do. I just don't like to take sides, that's all.
Jean: Well, I'm not asking you to take sides; just who's right and who's wrong.

"As Time Goes By: Broadcast Plan (#5.5)" (1996)
Alistair Deacon: I bet it's not every day that a guy with tickets on Concorde and rooms at The Plaza gets turned down.
Jean Hardcastle: Well, why not try the younger generation?
Judith Hanson: Mum!
Alistair Deacon: Hey, hey, is that an idea, or is that an idea?
Lionel Hardcastle: You're asking yourself questions again.
Alistair Deacon: Then I'll ask the right people. Judy, Sandy?
Sandy: The last time I had an invitation like this I was sixteen years old.
Lionel Hardcastle: Not Concorde and The Plaza!
Sandy: No. Boy at school. He had two tickets for a pop concert, but he had a row with his girlfriend and asked me instead.
Judith Hanson: You didn't go, did you?
Sandy: No, of course not.
Judith Hanson: Get the point? It's not very flattering being the reserve team.
Alistair Deacon: So you're not coming?
Judith Hanson: Course we are.
Sandy: Absolutely.

[last lines]
Alistair Deacon: I just wish you'd got more out of it than an, an adventure.
Lionel Hardcastle: We did. In case you've forget, we got some very nice dollars.
Alistair Deacon: Dollars.
Jean Hardcastle: Well, they are legal tender.
Alistair Deacon: Well, there are a lot more of those to come.
Lionel Hardcastle: A lot?
Alistair Deacon: Oh yes. Transmission fee. See, I messed up a lot of things, but I... I never ever mess up a contract.
Jean Hardcastle: Lionel, it's hug time.
Lionel Hardcastle: You're right.

"As Time Goes By: Future Imperfect (#8.5)" (2000)
Alistair: I've got to go to Athens.
Judith: Athens.
Alistair: Yeah, I'm hoping to meet Nana Mouskouri to talk about a new book called "Boys Do Make Passes".

"As Time Goes By: The New Neighbours (#7.3)" (1998)
[last lines]
Alistair: Well, they're not dull, are they?

"As Time Goes By: Wedding Plans (#9.2)" (2002)
[last lines]
Jean: I've just been making a guest list for you.
Alistair: For me?
Lionel: It's all right, Alistair.
Alistair: My special lady. You're making a guest list.
Jean: It's only a provisional one.
Alistair: Yes, but *you're* making it!
Jean: Yes, but I...
Alistair: I mean, do I deserve it?
Alistair: Do I deserve to be so happy?

"As Time Goes By: Moving In (#3.5)" (1994)
[first lines]
Sandy: I've never heard of Bespoke Overalls before.
Alistair: Mate of mine.
Sandy: Yes, I thought it would be.
Alistair: Nice of you to give up your Saturday.
Sandy: I want to see it through. There's been so much umming and ahing about Lionel moving in with Jean that I want to make sure that it actually happens.
Alistair: They'll be fine. They're like bacon and eggs.
Sandy: Yes, but they've never lived in the same frying pan before.
Alistair: [laughs] Nice one.

"As Time Goes By: The House Next Door (#6.6)" (1997)
Alistair: [about Steven and Penny's plans to move next door] Look, whatever happened to the big 'O', hm? Optimism! A, they may not even like the house; B, they may not be able to afford it; and C, even if they do move in, could it really be that awful to have them as neighbours?
[Jean and Lionel look at him]
Alistair: I should have left out C, shouldn't I?

"As Time Goes By: The Picnic (#1.6)" (1992)
Jean Mary Pargetter: You're very confident.
Alistair Deacon: Yes, I am. I can remember when I was about, oh, six months old. And I remember looking up into my little mirror with the red and yellow beads on it, and I remember saying to myself, "Face it. Alistair Deacon, you have a lot to be confident about."

"As Time Goes By: The Bypass (#7.4)" (1998)
[first lines]
Alistair: All ashore that's going ashore.
Judith: You sure you won't come on with us?
Jean: No, thanks. Lionel's tired.
Lionel: I didn't say anything about being tired.
Jean: Well, I'm tired, so you must be.
Lionel: Oh, I see. Thanks for a delicious meal, Alistair.
Alistair: Absolutely de nada, Lye.
Jean: And you're both coming down to the country tomorrow.
Judith: Oh, yeah, be nice to get out of London for a bit.

"As Time Goes By: Surprise, Surprise (#1.4)" (1992)
[the waiter has announced Alistair's order of champagne]
Jean Mary Pargetter: What champagne?
Alistair Deacon: The bottle in my room.
Jean Mary Pargetter: You do have a thirst, don't you?
Alistair Deacon: It's for us.
Jean Mary Pargetter: In your room?
Alistair Deacon: We can have it in your room, if you like.
Jean Mary Pargetter: Look, Alistair, do I have to stamp "No" in big letters on your forehead?
Alistair Deacon: Whatever turns you on.
Jean Mary Pargetter: Well, I'll tell you what turns me on at this time of night. It's a comfortable bed and a good book.
Alistair Deacon: Okay, fine. What shall we read?
Jean Mary Pargetter: You should be a salesman, not a publisher. Are you always like this?
Alistair Deacon: Oh, no. Sometimes I'm really pushy.

"As Time Goes By: Branching Out (#3.6)" (1994)
Alistair: [after lunch in his office] Let's talk.
Sandy: OK.
Alistair: Would you feel more relaxed with your clothes off?
Sandy: No.
Alistair: Worth a try.

"As Time Goes By: Rewrites (#4.2)" (1995)
Sandy: [as Alistair leaves] Are you off?
Alistair: Positively rancid, apparently.

"As Time Goes By: The Cruise (#2.6)" (1993)
Alistair: If the public gets interested in an author, then they also get interested in the book.
Judith: If you'd published Shakespeare he would have really been something.

"As Time Goes By: Getting Rid of Gwen (#4.3)" (1995)
Alistair: Can we talk?
Judith: That's what Joan Rivers says.
Alistair: I know! She stole it from me. Can we?
Judith: I don't think we've got much to talk about.
Alistair: Oh, now that's where you're wrong with a capital R.

"As Time Goes By: Covering Up (#3.4)" (1994)
Alistair: Drop you somewhere, miss?
Judith: I don't believe you! Where did you come from?
Alistair: Weird thing that. I was sitting in my office, and this voice suddenly said: "Alistair. Alistair Deacon, somewhere out there is an angel in distress." And here I am.
Judith: I don't believe a word of that.
Alistair: The other version is that I was on my way to Gatwick, and there you were. Still magic, though, isn't it?

"As Time Goes By: Showered with Gifts (#5.7)" (1996)
Sandy: Well, it's a lovely afternoon. I think I'm going to slip into a bikini and catch some sun.
Judith: That's good idea. I think I'll join you.
Alistair: I'd rather you didn't do that.
Jean: Oh, Alistair, are you feeling unwell? I thought you'd be out there with three towels by now.

"As Time Goes By: Why? (#2.4)" (1993)
Alistair Deacon: I'm not bi, Li.

"As Time Goes By: The Proposal (#7.7)" (1998)
Alistair: Listen, Lye. What would you say to me calling you 'Dad' from now on?
Lionel: I'd say don't.
Alistair: 'Pops'?
Lionel: I'd say don't on pain of death.

"As Time Goes By: Judith's New Romance (#4.9)" (1995)
Alistair: Next weekend would be a good time, Lye, because they're filming down at Madge and Rocky's place.
Lionel: Hmm, I just hope they know what they've let themselves in for.
Alistair: Madge and Rocky?
Alistair: I'm sure they do.
Lionel: I mean the film crew.

"As Time Goes By: Alistair's Engagement (#6.5)" (1997)
[last lines]
Lionel: I thought you gave up a bit quickly after the squeaky armour let you down.
Alistair: Sorry?
Lionel: Own up. There never was a Mercury, was there?
Alistair: Ly. You don't seriously believe that I...

"As Time Goes By: The Mini-Series (#3.7)" (1994)
Alistair: We have a short cut here. We have the ear of the horse's mouth.

"As Time Goes By: The Dinner Party (#6.3)" (1997)
[last lines]
Penny: I shall be glad to get back to the sanity of Hampshire.
Stephen: Well, do you really think that Hampshire is a particularly sane place?
Penny: Huh, compared with this part of the world, yes! I simply want...
[they see Alistair riding a horse dressed as a knight in armour, with his visor down]
Stephen: Good Lord!
Alistair: Good morrow, guys.
[raises his visor]
Alistair: How are you?
Penny: What on earth are you doing?
Alistair: Well, the herald didn't work, so I thought I'd send the knight himself.
Stephen: I see.
Alistair: Fare thee well.
[lowers his visor and rides on]
Penny: What do you see?
Stephen: Nothing, actually.
Penny: I'd like you to drive home quite quickly, please.