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Maxwell 'Mack' McDaniel
: [about their boy's night out at a restaurant
] You can come if you want. Judy Miller
: You sure? Maxwell 'Mack' McDaniel
: Yeah, but I gotta warn you about the language. You know, some of the guys are a little sensitive, so if you could, clean it up a little bit tonight.
] Sorry. Sometimes I snort. Bill Miller
: Oh, let me guess. You're a Taurus. Ha-ha-ha.
] Bill Miller
: I asked her if she was a Taurus. Judy Miller
: I know. Bill Miller
: Like the bull. Judy Miller
: Oh, really. I thought you meant the car.
: I ordered the ribs with the sauce on the side. You just brought me the sauce on the side. Lexi
: Oh, you're right.
: This is not your fault.
: I ordered the ribs, and I waited for them till mine were showing.
: D'you have a good day at work? Bill Miller
: [all in one breath
] Oh, it's not work when you do something you love and I sell toilets so it's work.
: [to the mailman, over flirting
] We're not freaks. We' just been married a long time, so we need a little attention from strangers. Bill Miller
: Which is what you provide for my wife.
: What happens when Tina finds out everything you just told her is a lie? Bill
: Aw, Judy, by then she'll resent me for so many other things.
: I suck at basketball and guys pick on me. Judy Miller
: Well, maybe you could tell the gym teacher to talk to those boys. Bill
: Yeah, and while you're hanging on the flagpole by your jockstrap, look around, see if you can find a new school.
: Just out of curiosity, Bill, when we were in the kitchen and I told you to stay out of it, was there a circus song playing in your head?
: [presenting concert ticket for Lauren and her friends
] Now there are eight tickets there. Two are for your father and me. Lauren Miller
: [suddenly dreading
] You guys are going? Judy Miller
: Well, yeah. You're too young to go to a concert by yourself. Lauren Miller
: [suddenly business like
] Okay, then I have some rules: I pick out the clothes you wear, I pick out the music you play in the van, and you can't talk to us during the concert. Judy Miller
: Or... we wear what we want, we play what we want, we do whatever we want, and you still get to go to the concert.
: [having pulled over to buy snacks
] And don't even think of doing that pulling-the-car-away-just-as-we're-trying-to-get-back-in thing. Bill
: Come on, Judy, give me some credit here. I haven't done that since you were in labor with Tina.
: [wondering why Alex is avoiding Lauren
] Did you say something to Alex? Bill
: Nooooooo. Judy Miller
: Oh, now I know you're lying, because when you lie you stretch your words out. Bill
: I do naw-ah-ah-ah-ah-t.
: We've been waitin' up for you all night. We thought you were lyin' in a ditch somewhere. Brian Miller
: If you were waiting up all night, then why does Dad have pillow marks all over his face? Bill Miller
: They're... worry lines. Brian Miller
: Why did you worry on only one side of your face?
: When you stay out late, how do we know you're not lyin' in a ditch somewhere? Brian Miller
: Where is this ditch you keep talking about? Judy Miller
: They're around.
: How'd it go? D'ja get through to 'im? Bill Miller
: Like corn through a goose.
: [on Brian moving out
] He'll be back soon enough. Remember when he was ten and he insisted we let him sleep in the back yard? He didn't make it through the night. He thought it was haunted. Judy Miller
: Well, you did try to scare him. You were runnin' through the yard with a sheet over your head howlin'. Bill Miller
: Actually I was drunk and stumbled into the clothesline. You know, ah, believe me, I was... I was far more scared than he was.
: I wanna watch my Tiny Force video again. Judy Miller
: Again? Bill Miller
: Won't have to put the tape in, Tina. Just listen to Daddy's head, 'cause it's always playin' in here. Tina Miller
: [putting an ear to his scalp
] I don't hear anything. Judy Miller
: Try his tummy. There's like a whole marching band going on in there. Bill Miller
: Yeah, the corn beef section's tuning up right now.
: Bill, we need to encourage our daughter to do better. I mean, I think the reason we were lazy is because we never had to help Brian or motivate him to do his homework. Bill Miller
: Yeah, I loved that little freak of nature.
: There's nothing funny about your sister being in honor science. Brian Miller
] Well, you want me to stop laughing but you keep saying it.
: And they said we weren't fit to bring children into this world. Where are those people now? Judy Miller
: At my parent's house. Bill Miller
: Hey, kids, run upstairs and get your suitcases. Your grandparents are gonna be here any minute. Lauren Miller
: Why do we even have to go? I hate that stupid train museum. Judy Miller
: Because it's the third week of your three-week holiday break: Week #1 - we love ya. Week #2 - we like ya. Week #3 - get out!
: For two days my mom's been doin' everything - the cooking, the cleaning, the health insurance papers... It's like being a wife and mom without having the husband and kids.
: [searching the mini-van for money
] Aw, there's gotta be some toll money or somethin' around here. Ah! Bingo! In the glove box - change organizers. There's gotta be at least $20 here. That's my Brian. Bill Miller
: Ah, he's also got a Yoda mask and an asthma inhaler. Judy Miller
: Oh, at least we know our son's not sexually active. Bill Miller
: Not on this planet.
: [confronted by a new clerk
] Where's Emma? Paco
: She's gone. Judy Miller
: She was just here two minutes ago. Paco
: Yeah, Emma doesn't like to hang out after her shift ends, seeing as that's when the pay stops.
: [looking at the pizza Judy brought home
] Wow. Sausage, onion and bacon. Brian Miller
: I thought we weren't allowed to have this kind of pizza since Dad's Night of a Thousand Trombones. Judy Miller
: Oh, that's why we have windows.
: I've had a taste of being "good cop" and I like it. I like it a lot.
: How was karate? Brian Miller
: I broke a board with my head. Judy Miller
: Really? Brian Miller
: Well, actually I lost my balance trying to kick and fell into a wall, but a board did break.
: Randy Moskaut is only 14 and he gets to drive the car all the time! Judy
: ...You don't have a friend named Randy Moskaut! Brian Miller
: Yeah, ok, but mom...
: [on dating
] It's not easy out there. Judy Miller
: [raiding he icebox while just in his underwear
] No, but obviously your sister is. Bill Miller
: Give her a break. She's still waiting for the right guy. She's not willing to settle like I did. Judy Miller
: [turning to face her, with a beer in one hand and a hotdog in the other
] How did you settle? Bill Miller
: Says a man with no pants and a raw wiener in his hand. Judy Miller
] Is that a come-on?
: You shaved? At six o'clock at night? Bill Miller
: Why's that so unusual? Judy Miller
: You didn't shave on our wedding day. Bill Miller
: In all fairness, neither did you.
: [settling in to watch TV with Bill
] You wanna beer? Bill Miller
: Yeah. Judy Miller
: Get me one, too. Bill Miller
] Brian! Brian Miller
: [from upstairs
] Get your own beer!
: I have to go with Linda to some stupid French pastry class every Thursday for the next six weeks. Bill Miller
] Ah, you know, she's your sister and it's important to support her. Judy Miller
: We don't get to bring any of the pastries home. Bill Miller
] Well, then, that bows!
: [to Linda
] Are you sure you wanna get married in a veterans hall? Bill Miller
: Ah, it makes sense, Judy. Your sister and this place have opened their doors to a lot of grizzled old sailors.
: Bill, what're we gonna do about this wedding? Bill Miller
: Same thing we do at every wedding: drink a lot, eat a lot and tape our card to somebody else's gift.
: [sitting at a restaurant
] Ooo, this is nice. What's the occasion? Why'd we have to get all dressed up? Judy Miller
: Well, I thought we'd go out for a nice dinner and talk about what kind of bachelorette party you'd like. Linda Michaels
: Well... I guess I'm too old for strippers and drinking. Judy Miller
: No, you're not. Linda Michaels
: Oh, good! Let's do that!
: [entering front door with Perry
] Hello. We're back from the honeymoon. Judy Miller
] Aloha! How was Cleveland?
: Did you finally clear the driveway? Bill Miller
: Yup. Judy Miller
: Did you put back the snowblower? Bill Miller
: Yup. Judy Miller
: Did the neighbors catch you? Bill Miller
: Bill, I am SO excited that we get to have our own Christmas this year. Whadda ya say we ditch the fake tree and go to one of those lots and cut down a live one? Bill Miller
: Ooo, it's beginning to smell a lot like effort.
: When do I get to have the Christmas Eve dinner that I'VE always dreamed of, with turkey... or beef... or whatever the hell it is I've decided I've always dreamed of?
: You know, the kids are gettin' older, and there're only so many holidays left that we can legally make them spend with us.
] It's just so lame. All my friends have MP3's. Judy Miller
] Oh, Bill, did you hear that? I didn't realize there was such pressure on her to have one. Bill Miller
: You know what? You're right. Let's give her an MP3. Lauren Miller
] Really? Bill Miller
] Bill Miller
: Judy, give me an M! Judy Miller
: [like a cheerleader, spelling out letters with her body
] M! Bill Miller
: Gimme a P! Judy Miller
: P! Bill Miller
: Gimme a 3! Judy Miller
: Three! Bill Miller
: What's it spell? Judy Miller
: [jumping up and down joyously
] M - P - threeeeee!
: Well, um, I gotta go. My friends are here. Judy Miller
: Wait. What friends? Lauren Miller
: You wouldn't know 'em. They're new. Bill Miller
: I didn't hear the doorbell. Lauren Miller
: Oh, they called me from their cell phone. They're out on the sidewalk. Judy Miller
: Well, call 'em back and tell 'em to get in here so we can meet 'em. Lauren Miller
: Mom, I am not gonna make them come in the house. It's embarrassing. Judy Miller
: That's not embarrassing. THIS is embarrassing:
[opening the front door, calling out
] Judy Miller
: Hey, girls, come on in. Lauren's gonna be a minute - she's on the toilet!
: Bill, come on in here and meet Lauren's new friends. Bill Miller
: [deliberately to embarrass
] She still in the can? 'Cause my cream's in there and I'm starting to itch.
: So, you hit the ceiling when a senior asked Lauren to the dance, but it's okay for Brian to date a college freshman. Don't you think there's a little double standard there? Bill Miller
: Not at all. I have one standard for Brian and another, different standard for Lauren. That way they each get their own. Judy Miller
: I was gonna say that's the stupidest thing I ever heard but I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next. Bill Miller
: All I'm saying is: girls are easily tricked. It's not their fault. They're born that way. Judy Miller
: I'm glad I waited.
: [irate, about Bill and Judy catching him kissing a girl in his bedroom
] Haven't you two ever heard of KNOCKING? Judy Miller
: [seriously but then giggling
] Yeah, we just never thought we'd have to.
: A pity kiss is still a kiss, son. And you know what that can lead to. Judy Miller
: [patting Bill
] A pity marriage.
: That was one rad eighties dance! Bill Miller
: Yeah, but back in the eighties, poppin' and lockin' didn't mean my shoulder poppin' and my back lockin'. Judy Miller
: Honey, don't worry about it; we'll drop some Advil later.
: [about her son's new girlfriend
] Don't you think sometimes she can be a bit bossy? Brian Miller
: Mom, she's a female who will kiss me who's not my aunt. You make sacrifices.
: She dumped me. Judy Miller
: What? Brian Miller
: She dumped me. Judy Miller
: What? Brian Miller
: Please don't make me say it again. Judy Miller
: What was her reason? Brian Miller
: I don't know. I could barely hear her through all the crying. Judy Miller
: Aw, she cried? Brian Miller
: No. I'll be in my room.
: You haven't folded any of the laundry? Bill Miller
: Oh, yeah, yeah. It's not that I don't wanna fold the laundry, it's that I, uh, can't. I'm laundrylexic. Judy Miller
: That must be really tough since you're also a fullocrapoholic. Bill Miller
: Go ahead and laugh, but in my mixed up world shirts are pants; pants are shirts. Try walking a mile in my gloves.
: We've got two teenagers suddenly willing to lie for each other. It's like the Joker and the Riddler have joined forces. You know what this means? Bill Miller
: If they get Tina to be the Penguin, they could rule Gothom. We got to get you a Catwoman suit.
: [searching Brian's room
] Ah, jeez! Here's something you hate to find in your son's bedroom. Judy Miller
: Dirty magazine? Bill Miller
: Worse. The songs of Steven Sondheim.
: Wow. That Johnny is a great guy, don't you think? He's kind. He's polite. Judy Miller
: He just grabbed my ass.
: [hoping to entrap Johnny
] Now keep your eyes on my butt all night long.
: What do you think looks better - this
[holds up a brown shirt
] Bill Miller
: or this
[holds up a blue shirt
] Bill Miller
: ? Judy Miller
: Okay. Aren't you the guy who wanted to wear a tank top to my aunt's wedding? Bill Miller
: Judy, when you have guns like these
[patting his tricep
] Bill Miller
: , you don't wanna put 'em in a holster.
: I'm going over there now. Bill Miller
: Now? You can't go now. Living room full of women. Judy Miller
: Bill, it's just a Tupperware party. I think you can handle it till I get back. Bill Miller
: What in the world would make you think that? Judy Miller
: You're a salesman. Do what you do at work. Bill Miller
: Watch the clock and wish I went to college?
: When did I stop taking chances and become someone who has settled for so little? Bill Miller
: Good thing I don't have feelings. Judy Miller
: It's not just you, it's the whole life we've built together. Bill Miller
: Oh, yeah, that takes the sting out.
: Everyday it's the same thing: Get up, go to work, make a meal, have sex, get up, go to work, make a meal, have sex. Bill Miller
: Ah, Honey, you're looking at this the wrong way: You get up! Go to work! Make a meal! Have sex! And, uh, by the way, who's this guy you're having sex with after every meal?
: Dr. Gerber spent a lot of money to train his dog to understand commands in German Lauren Miller
: Why German? Brian Miller
: Well, because German in such a guttural language, the dog's more likely to respond to your commands. Bill Miller
: So, German, huh? Judy Miller
: Hm. Bill Miller
: Schnitzel - fetchen me bratwurst unt beerenstein. T'h. Some training. He's just stairin' at me. Judy Miller
: Hmm, like you're an idiot.
: You're in the middle of a huge mid-life crisis and there's no reason to drag me or poor little ducks into it. Now GET on the phone, CALL your wife, BEG her forgiveness, and stop talkin' about closin' down the office! Dr. Nathan Gerber
: But what if it doesn't make me happy? Judy Miller
: Then buy a sports car and grow a ponytail like every other dentist your age!
: What're you doing? Bill Miller
: Lookin' at my hands. You ever notice how elegant they are?
[holds hand up to Judy's face
] Judy Miller
: Bill, whatever you stuck your hand in while I was gone I'm not smellin' it.
: I told you she had a thing for me. Judy Miller
: Yeah, but I didn't know you thing-ed her back.
: Can I interest you in a cocktail frank? Ted Halverson
: Uh, my name's Ted and I don't drink in the afternoon.
: Ted says you use the C-word in front of your children. Judy Miller
: What? I swear, Kathy, we never say that kind of crap in our house. Ted Halverson
: You just said it again!
: Linda told him she was 27. Linda Michaels
: He'll find out my real age when the time is right. Bill Miller
: He'll find out when the light is right.
: Oh, I'm so thirsty. Can I have a sip of your water? Judy Miller
: Yeah, sure.
[hiding incapacitating physical soreness, nudges bottled water over with her foot
] Judy Miller
: Go ahead. Linda Michaels
: Do you mind handing it to me? Judy Miller
: Do I have to drink it for you, too?
: Did Lauren take the car? Judy
: No, her friend took her to the Green Day concert. Brian Miller
: But that was cancelled. Judy
: Cancelled? Brian Miller
: Yeah, last week. She knew that. Judy
: She lied to me? I don't believe it, your dad was right about her and Nick? Brian Miller
: Ni-Nick. Nick-who? Judy
: Nick Defalco Brian Miller
: Nick Defalco? Judy
: Yeah, Lauren said he's some doofy kid from school. Brian Miller
: Slick Nick? Nick the trick, knows his way around a chick? Judy
: They write poems about him!
: Mom! Judy
: What's wrong? Your dad crash another car? Lauren Miller
: Worse he started freaking out because he found a shirt in the back seat. Judy
: Who's shirt? Lauren Miller
: Nick Defalco's. I told you about him - he's just a friend. Bill
: Oh! A boy who's a friend, put those together what do you get? A boyfriend! Which you said she didn't have! Judy, once again where are her parents? Judy
: Well I'm her mother and I'm thinking of getting back in touch with her real father. Lauren Miller
: Yeah, what exactly is your problem dad? Bill
: My problem is boys are getting hot in your car and you're on the pill. Lauren Miller
: You know I'm on the pill? Mom! Judy
: I didn't tell him! He found it when he was rifling through your purse. Lauren Miller
: There's no privacy in this house I hate this! Ugh!
[Runs upstairs and slams door
: Boy you really stepped in it. Judy
: No I married it. A big pile of it! I can't believe you brought up the pills. Now she's never gonna trust me again. Bill
: She was lying to you about why she wanted them. Judy
: No she told me about this Nick. He's just some doofy guy from school but you overreacted and you blew it for both of us. You know what buddy? You're back out of the loop! Bill
: What? Judy
: Yeah we're going back to the way it's always been - me raising Lauren as a single mom! Bill
: She needs a father in her life! Judy
: I know but I can't find the cocktail napkin with his number on it!
: I used to work out all the time! Linda Michaels
: Running from the cops is not working out!
: [highly upset
] Where've ya been? You were supposed to be here at 1:00. I had a golf game! Judy
: You could have gone. Bill Miller
: It's an exclusive course. I couldn't get in it without the ring. Judy
: [wearing the ring like a pendant
] Well, I couldn't have gotten in to the private dress sale or out of a speeding ticket. For the first time, a cop is lookin' at my chest for all the wrong reasons.
: Brian, what's the matter? You've been starin' at that book for over an hour. Brian Miller
: I don't wanna talk about it. Tina Miller
: He's got a crush on a girl at school. Brian Miller
] Shut up. Tina Miller
] Her name is Carrie Tyler and she doesn't know he's alive.
: [enters bathroom; Judy's relaxed in the tub with candles around her
] You look comfortable. Judy Miller
] Hello. Bill Miller
: Mind some company? Judy Miller
: Honey, no offense, but I wanted a little room for the water.
: Bill, these PTA people are great! They laugh at every stupid thing I say. Bill
: Yeah, they're not bad. I guess we can't call them PTA-holes anymore.
: Lauren, do you have any idea what your brother's been doing with all his money? Lauren Miller
: Apparently, not hiding it as well as I hide mine. Bill
: You have money? Lauren Miller
: No. Judy
: It's under her mattress. Lauren Miller
: No it's not!
: Beat it, squirt, and put some clothes on. Tina Miller
: Shut up, stupid. Mom said to take my clothes off. Judy Miller
: But, remember, the underwear stays on till after dinner. Bill Miller
: Same rules as when we were dating.
: His locker's right here.
[TO A NEARBY BOY
] Judy Miller
: Excuse me, I'm looking for Brian Miller. Boy
: [THE BOY LOOKS HER UP AND DOWN. SHE'S AWFULLY HOT
] I'm Brian Miller. Bill Miller
: Get Lost.
: [why Brian should play football
] I never got hurt when I played. Judy Miller
: Yeah, well, look at you. You got bigger bones and a thick candy coating. Bill Miller
: The kid needs exercise. He's always cooped up in his room studying. It's like we're raising veal. Judy Miller
: No, it's not. If he were veal you would have breaded and fried him by now,
: [seeing Bill trying to kill a spider with a rolled up coloring book
] Let me go get the dust buster. Bill Miller
: Did the cave man do his killing with a dust buster? Judy Miller
: No, you're right. He used a coloring book.
: So what happened last night? Linda Michaels
: Yeah... A lady doesn't kiss and tell. Judy Miller
: Honey, a lady doesn't wear last night's cocktail dress to a pancake breakfast.
: [putting on coat
] Don't tell the kids. Bill Miller
: [putting on coat
] You're right , we don't want to panic 'em. Brian Miller
] Panic me about what? Bill Miller
: Nothing. You're mother and I just have to rush down to the hospital. Brian Miller
: The hospital? Bill Miller
: It's no big deal. If you need us we'll be in the cardiac arrest ward. Brian Miller
: The cardiac ward? Judy Miller
: [now outside
] Nice job not panicking him, Bill. Bill Miller
: [now outside
] What? At least I didn't tell him it was Grandpa. Brian Miller
: [from behind the closed front door
: This house is a prison. Judy Miller
: Tell me about it. I've been in this joint for 15 years and I still don't know what I did wrong.
: [sitting in a clinic waiting room
] I can't believe these brochures: alcohol abuse, drug abuse, unprotected sex... sounds like the night we made Brian.
: I've done six loads of laundry and worked all day - I'm exhausted. All Bill has to do is pick up dinner on his way home. Gary Maddox
: Well, that sounds fair. Judy Miller
: You would think so, except when he walks in the door he's carrying one burger - for himself. Said he didn't realize that I meant for me and the kids, too. Gary Maddox
: My God, if I did that, my wife would crack open my skull and fry my brains for dinner. Judy Miller
: Not an option with Bill: We'd still be hungry.
: I got your favorite moooovviieee. Judy
: Oh, 'Terms of Endearment'? Bill
: I got you your *second* favorite movie. Judy
: 'Fried Green Tomatoes'? Bill
: I got a moovvviieee.
: [Judy is making little pizzas for a book club meeting she is hosting
] Oh look, some baby pizzas too young to defend themselves.
[starts picking one up
] Judy Miller
: Hey, hands off! Did I say you could touch those? Bill Miller
: Wow, it's our first date all over again.
: [on finding Brian a job
] Well, Bill, you said that they needed help down at work, right? Bill
: Ooo, I don't know. You just can't walk in off the street and sell toilets.
: ...You might not want our daughter doin' the things WE did. Bill Miller
: Fine. I'll spend some time with my daughter so she won't end up like you. Judy Miller
: S'all I'm askin'.