Angie Lopez
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Quotes for
Angie Lopez (Character)
from "George Lopez" (2002)

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"George Lopez: Girl Fight (#2.15)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: I'm gonna call Adam's parents about this window right now.
Carmen Lopez: Adam didn't do it. Piper did.
George Lopez: Piper? That snob who used to be your friend?
Carmen Lopez: That's her handwriting. I know because she wrote "Carmen Can't Say No-pez" on my locker.
Benny: Hey, thank God our last name isn't Tucker.

George Lopez: [When Carmen comes home from school all bruised up] Carmen, what happened?
Carmen Lopez: I got in a fight with Piper. She kept calling me a slut, then she pushed me.
Angie Lopez: Oh, my God. Are you all right? You have blood on you.
Carmen Lopez: That's Piper's.
George Lopez: Really?
Carmen Lopez: Yeah, I punched her in the nose.
George Lopez: Damn! My girl's a scrapper! Whoo!

Angie Lopez: [to Carmen] Don't worry, honey. We're gonna take care of this.
George Lopez: But you still have to go to school today.
Carmen Lopez: No!
George Lopez: Yes. Carmen, you can't let them intimidate you.
[Carmen looks at Angie, who agrees with George]
Carmen Lopez: Fine. Get ready to clean more windows.
[leaves the house]

George Lopez: This ends now.
Angie Lopez: You're going to Adam's, aren't you?
George Lopez: I'm not gonna tell you 'cause then it would be premeditated. Let me go while it's still a crime of passion.
[is about to leave the house, but Angie stops him]
Angie Lopez: George! You're not going anywhere.
Benny: She's right. I'll go. I got a bigger trunk and no plates.

Angie Lopez: There's a sensible way to handle this. We have to go to the school and talk to the conflict-resolution manager.
George Lopez: The what?
Angie Lopez: It's a special counselor who will sit these girls down and mediate.
George Lopez: I don't want mediating, I want ass-kicking!

Angie Lopez: [after George talks to her about his old school bully who now works at Carmen's school] Come on, George. You're just being paranoid. Who holds a grudge for 30 years?
George Lopez: So you're not still mad I forgot to wear my jacket in our wedding photo?
Angie Lopez: Absolutely not.
George Lopez: Doesn't bother you at all?
Angie Lopez: Nope.
George Lopez: So you're over it?
Angie Lopez: Of course. I have no problem with the fact that the happiest day of my life was just casual Saturday to you. Every time I walk past that wedding picture, I die a little.
George Lopez: Hey, I'm glad you're over it.

Angie Lopez: [to George] I agree, this Rango's got a history with you. Maybe he even thinks that he can still bully you, but he has never messed with me before. He is gonna fix this and fix it now.
George Lopez: Don't tell me you're going back to the website.
Angie Lopez: To hell with the e-ppointment. When my baby's hurt, I go medieval.

George Lopez: Carmen, good news.
Angie Lopez: You're not suspended. Piper is.
George Lopez: You can go back to school. Mr. Durango's gonna make sure none of the kids ever mess with you again.
Carmen Lopez: I'm not going back.
Angie Lopez: Carmen, everything is gonna be better now. Adam's gonna tell everyone that he lied.
Carmen Lopez: You don't understand. It's too late. I'm the school whore now.
Angie Lopez: Carmen, I think you're getting a little carried away.
[Carmen walks over to the answering machine and turns it on]
Teenage Boy: [over the answering machine] Yeah. This is Jason. I'd like to leave a message for the school whore.
[he and another kid start laughing]
George Lopez: Who are those boys? I'll get 'em suspended.
Carmen Lopez: [in tears] Then suspend everybody! You know what else happened today? A boy followed me in the bathroom and asked me if I wanted to do it!
Angie Lopez: [as she tries to comfort Carmen] Honey...
Carmen Lopez: Another boy pulled up my shirt when I was walking down the hall!
Carmen Lopez: Please don't make me go back. Please!
[hugs George as she cries]
George Lopez: It's okay, baby. We'll figure something out. Go upstairs so your mom and I can talk.
[Carmen heads upstairs]
Angie Lopez: She's not wrong. She can never get her reputation back.
George Lopez: I don't want to see her suffer like this for three more years.
Angie Lopez: Me either. What are you thinking?
George Lopez: Private school.
Angie Lopez: That's what I was thinking. Can we afford it?
George Lopez: No. We'll have to sell the boy.

Max Lopez: Mom, you say you love me, and you say you love the flower vase in the hall. If one of those things broke the other, would you still love me? You can think about it.
[leaves the room]
Angie Lopez: [to George] Sell the boy.

"George Lopez: Happy Birthdays (#1.3)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: I got you one of your favorite childhood idols.
George Lopez: You got Eric Estrada?
[goes outside]
George Lopez: It's Pufnstuf!
[hugs him]
George Lopez: Oh you're all soft just like I knew you'd be!

Max Lopez: [George is dancing with Pufnstuf] Is daddy drunk?
Angie Lopez: No sweetie, he's just having his very first birthday.
Max Lopez: I wish he was drunk, it would make more sense.

Angie Lopez: What do you say to 12 friends, Spider-man, a few presents, and chocolate cake?
George Lopez: No, 3 friends, no entertainment, one gift, and a baked potato.
[Angie stares at him]
George Lopez: What? We're bargaining, I'm starting low.

Angie Lopez: Happy Wednesday.
Carmen Lopez: Oh come on, Mom, you know that's not what he wants. Crappy birthday, Dad.

Angie Lopez: I'm giving your father the birthday party he never had as a kid.
Carmen Lopez: Why can't you just put on Moulin Rouge and dance around for him?
Angie Lopez: How did you know about that?
Carmen Lopez: Oh, don't worry, you're a great role model for me... my friends thought so too.
Angie Lopez: That's it, no more sleepovers.

Carmen Lopez: [busts into the bedroom while George and Angie are talking calmly] Mommy, Daddy, please stop fighting! You're going to drive me into the arms of a sympathetic gang member!
Angie Lopez: [looks at her] Did your father put you up to this?
Carmen Lopez: No... it's just hard to concentrate... and all this...
George Lopez: [to Carmen] Okay, two things: You came in a little early... and I didn't believe you on the second one.

"George Lopez: This Old Casa (#2.12)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: There're no knobs on the faucet, how do you turn the water on?
Benny: I got a pair of pliers.
George Lopez: If the pliers are in here, how do you change the channel on the TV?
Benny: I'm not a hillbilly, I got another set of pliers.

George Lopez: [knock on the bathroom door] Who is it?
Angie Lopez: [whispering] It's me, Angie, your mom's taking a piece of tin foil off the window, she's making herself a baked potato!

Angie Lopez: [George is playing a violent video game on the computer] George?
[he doesn't respond, to Carmen]
Angie Lopez: What's he playing?
Carmen Lopez: S.W.A.T Team, but he's killing all the civilians.

George Lopez: [runs into the kitchen] Angie, quick, show me your body!
Angie Lopez: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you your mom's using our shower.

Angie Lopez: George, this place is falling apart, how can your mom stand this?
George Lopez: She's used to it, besides she's older now, she's only in here a couple of times a week.

George Lopez: [arguing with Angie if Benny's thankful] Hey Angie, why don't you get my mom a cup of coffee, I'm sure she'll... appreciate it.
Angie Lopez: I'm sure she will. Here you go, Benny, nice and hot.
Benny: Why, you trying to burn me?
Angie Lopez: [goes to counter and gets plate] Benny, I made myself some French toast but you can have the leftovers, knock yourself out.
Benny: Why don't you just give me some sausage from the TRASH CAN!
Angie Lopez: [to George] I want to punch her in the throat.
George Lopez: Don't start something you can't finish.

"George Lopez: No Free Launch (#2.6)" (2002)
George Lopez: [whispering at the PTA meeting] How many candy bars does Max have to sell?
Angie Lopez: 200.
George Lopez: How many has he sold?
Angie Lopez: 10.
George Lopez: WE BOUGHT 10.

Angie Lopez: [one of the PTA moms] She was taking a box of canned goods to give to the homeless and she said 'Why don't I just cut out the middleman? Happy Thanksgiving'
George Lopez: OOOH! Mini raviolis!
Angie Lopez: You're missing the point, George, they think we're broke because we can't afford to send Max on his field trip.
George Lopez: Angie, she's just kidding.
Angie Lopez: I thought so too, then I told her how much I liked her sweater, and she GAVE it to me!
[pulls it out]
Angie Lopez: With a 20 in each pocket!
[takes out $20 bill]
George Lopez: [suspiciously] Where's the other one?

George Lopez: [refusing to hand over the check to Debbie] Nobody NEEDS to see a space shuttle launch!
Angie Lopez: Give her the check and I'll buy you a churro!

Max Lopez: It's only $500! You spend money on stuff you don't need all the time! Like, why does Mom need a car? She doesn't have a job!
George Lopez: Whoa!
[looks at Angie, sees her scowling, turns back scowling at Max]
George Lopez: Don't ever talk like that again.
Max Lopez: This sucks!
[storms out]
George Lopez: Hey!
Angie Lopez: He's right, George, this does suck, and don't even THINK about selling my car.
George Lopez: Really, Angie, where do you go? The store?
[she glares at him]
George Lopez: I'm kidding! You're already mad!

George Lopez: [to Angie at the PTA meeting] What do they want from us? They had a bake sale for books, a walk-a-thon for computers and what about that silent auction?
Angie Lopez: That was for equipment for the hearing impaired.
George Lopez: No one else saw the irony in that.

Angie Lopez: [after she and Max were selling chocolate bars] We only made 75 bucks.
George Lopez: That's it? Did you go to the rich neighborhoods and do that gang thing I taught you?
Angie Lopez: It didn't work.
George Lopez: [to Max] Show me how you did it.
[knocks on the table]
Max Lopez: Hello, I am an at-risk youth. If you buy these delicious chocolate bars, it can help keep me off the street and ensure your future safety.
[in a serious tone]
Max Lopez: Please, don't let me make you a statistic.
George Lopez: How can that not work?
Angie Lopez: Well, it didn't.
George Lopez: Wait. Where'd you park the SUV?
Angie Lopez: Out front.
Angie Lopez: Stupid, stupid, stupid.

"George Lopez: Love Bites (#2.8)" (2002)
George Lopez: Angie, have you seen Carmen's dance shirt?
Angie Lopez: Which one?
Benny: The ones with the enormous breasts in it.
George Lopez: Keep it clean! Chi chis!

Angie Lopez: There's something I want to talk to you about, but first let me make us a cup of tea.
Carmen Lopez: [groans] No! The last time we had tea it was to talk about my special visitor, oh and you forgot to mention she comes with a couple friends: crampy and bloaty!

George Lopez: [Adam's at the door] Angie, does that moron have a hickey?
Angie Lopez: Yep.
Carmen Lopez: Run, Adam!
[Adam freezes]
Angie Lopez: You better *run*, moron!

Angie Lopez: [George comes in disheveled with a radio antenna in hand] What happened to you?
George Lopez: Racial profiling.
Angie Lopez: What?
George Lopez: Let me ask you a question: if you're a cop, who do you chase? The BMW that runs a red light, or the Mexican chasing the BMW screaming 'I'll kill you!'?
Angie Lopez: Is that Adam's car antenna?
George Lopez: Yep, touch my daughter and you go back to AM, fool.

George Lopez: [showing Carmen pictures of STDs to scare her out of having sex] Some of these diseases can kill you, and then there are others like... Angie, where are my genital herpes?
Angie Lopez: They should be in your lap.
George Lopez: No, all I have here is crabs.

"George Lopez: Why You Crying? (#3.13)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: When you slapped Max you hurt his identity.
Benny: No, I'm sure that's about two feet lower.

Angie Lopez: We've already grounded Max, no TV for a month.
Benny: Oh yeah, 30 days without the talking sponge, that's gonna hurt.

Angie Lopez: We're sorry about that trick of Max's with the pencil up his nose.
Mrs. Reynolds: Thank you, though there are bigger problems than just the kids calling me Earth Butt.
George Lopez: [laughs, Angie scowls at him, stops] Kids can be so cruel.

Angie Lopez: Did Grandma apologize to you?
Max Lopez: [shows his $20 bill] No, but she gave me 20 reasons to get over it.
Angie Lopez: [to Benny] That's your answer? You buy family?
Benny: All those celebrity lesbian couples do it.
George Lopez: Let's see, $20 a smack you owe me about two hundred thousand dollars.
Benny: Ah shut your identity hole!

"George Lopez: Mementos (#3.11)" (2003)
George Lopez: I'm sorry, Angie, I wasn't thinking straight, I've got a lot on my mind right now, I'm going in for surgery soon to have a kidney removed.
Benny: [getting off the phone] Uh...
Angie Lopez: Not now, Benny.
Benny: Manny just died.
George Lopez: What?
Benny: Your father's dead.

Angie Lopez: Benny, you shouldn't speak ill of the dead.
Benny: You know what? When the dead runs out on you and leaves you a 2 year old to raise by yourself, I'll say whatever the hell I want about him.

Angie Lopez: If Grandma falls asleep on the couch...
Max Lopez: Make sure her cigarette is out.
Angie Lopez: Right, and if she has more than a 6 pack?
Max Lopez: Lay her on her side.
Angie Lopez: Good, and she's not supposed to, but if she invites her boyfriend Randy over?
Max Lopez: Ignore the yelling, they're just rough housing.

George Lopez: [reading Manny's letter] The doctors say I have very little time left, I might not live long enough to...
Angie Lopez: Oh my God, he died right then and didn't get to finish the letter.
George Lopez: No, I can't make out this word.
Angie Lopez: [reads it] Benefit.
George Lopez: That's a V.
Angie Lopez: It's a B!
George Lopez: [reading] 'To benefit', okay it's a B.

"George Lopez: Landlord Almighty (#4.2)" (2004)
Carmen Lopez: You know, I still have my bag packed upstairs.
Angie Lopez: Then go get it.
Carmen Lopez: You don't mean that.
Angie Lopez: Yeah, I do. Because having you stay out all night at parties is no different than having you run away.

Angie Lopez: Carmen, your mail came, there's something from a school and a letter from Toby and two pieces of junk mail.
[holds up a plate with 2 pizza slices]
Carmen Lopez: Thank you, thank you...
George Lopez: Angie!
Angie Lopez: [gives Carmen the plate] Run up to your room and eat your mail.

Angie Lopez: And you do all this... for nursing school?
Carmen Lopez: Why would she need to go to school? She's a dancer and a model.
Taylor: Yeah, I'm like a triple threat.

Carmen Lopez: You know, I still have my bag upstairs.
Angie Lopez: Then go get it.
Carmen Lopez: You don't mean that.
Angie Lopez: Yeah, I do, because having you out all hours of the night is no different than having you run away. We need to know where you are and that you're safe.

"George Lopez: Feel the Burn (#3.4)" (2003)
Benny: Benny, you okay?
Benny: I've been burning up all day.
Angie Lopez: Well, you do feel hot and clammy.
Benny: That's just the top half.
Angie Lopez: Do you have any other symptoms?
Benny: Irritability...
Angie Lopez: Any new symptoms?

Benny: I can't be going through the change.
Angie Lopez: Benny, it's not the end of the world. The gynecologist can help you. There's pills for the incontinence, hormone creams to restore lubrication...
George Lopez: [makes a retching sound] Hey, no vomit.

Angie Lopez: [to George] First, you have a father and now you have a sister.
[to Benny]
Angie Lopez: How many family members are you hiding from him?

Angie Lopez: [to George] I've been on the computer for hours, searching for your sister. I cross-checked every Lorenzo in california with the year your sister would have been born and I've narrowed it down to 20.
George Lopez: Well, I slept in, took a long shower, read the sports page, then I called my mom's neighbor and found out where the Lorenzos moved.
[points on the computer]
George Lopez: It's that one right there, but look at you, surfing the web. You rock!

"George Lopez: George Nieces a New Media Room (#6.3)" (2007)
Angie Lopez: [to George] It's your mom's birthday. We promised to visit her in jail.
George Lopez: Hey, this is gonna be tough on her. She hasn't had a birthday without booze or men since she was 8.

George Lopez: [as he watches Veronica and Mike talking to each other] All right, that's enough. I'm getting rid of this guy right now.
Angie Lopez: No, they're talking it out. If it gets out of control, then we intervene.
George Lopez: You love this.
Angie Lopez: What are you talking about?
George Lopez: All the drama! You love being surrounded by crazy people so you can fix 'em because you're the drama queen, and this is your kingdom.
Angie Lopez: I know you're upset, but you're starting to annoy me.
George Lopez: And that'd be what, more drama? Hmm, good news for the queen.

George Lopez: [to Veronica when Mike calls her again] Every time you talk to him, you're just encouraging him. You gotta get inside the stalker's mind. I knew this guy who was so in love with this woman. He followed her to work, left notes on her car, camped out at her house. I finally had to say, "Look, if you don't knock this off, Ernie, you're gonna go to jail!"
Angie Lopez: That was a really uncomfortable summer for me.

Veronica: Mike's gonna be in jail for a couple of days and I can get a restraining order tomorrow.
Angie Lopez: Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
George Lopez: You don't get to say that. You didn't throw down with some British dressmaker. Sewing must make your hands strong because that dude almost choked me out.

"George Lopez: Prototype (#1.1)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: How many weeks have you had this period?
Carmen Lopez: I don't know... six?
George Lopez: Six weeks, if you went to a Catholic school, you'd be a miracle.

Angie Lopez: She lied.
Benny: They lie because they're not afraid of you.
George Lopez: Mom, we're handling this.
Benny: I don't see anybody getting hit.
Angie Lopez: We don't hit our kids, Benny, we threaten to send them to your house.
George Lopez: Hey hey, isn't this fun for me?

Carmen Lopez: Max wants to know if he can sleep with the light on, he dreamed that Grandma was trying to kill him.
Angie Lopez: [to George] You want to bring THAT into our home?
George Lopez: Angie, it's a boy dreaming about spending time with his grandmother, does it really matter what they're doing?

Carmen Lopez: Max had a nightmare about Grandma again.
Max Lopez: [gets in bed with George and Angie] This time she was chasing me with a knife.
[Benny enters the bedroom with knife]
Max Lopez: AHHHH!
George Lopez: [turns] AHHHH!
Carmen Lopez: [turns] AHHHH!
Angie Lopez: [turns] AHHHH!
Benny: [unfazed] Who wants cake?

"George Lopez: George Gets Caught in a Powers Play (#5.16)" (2006)
Angie Lopez: [after finding out about Veronica's webcast] You pay money to watch a girl brush her hair?
Ernie: Hey, I don't steal and I don't hurt people. This is my thing!

Angie Lopez: [calls for Veronica] Get down her now, you ungrateful tramp!
Carmen Lopez: [comes downstairs thinking her parents called her] What?
George Lopez: We know what you did, we want to hear from your mouth.

Angie Lopez: [about Veronica] That's it, that was the last straw. I can't take it anymore. I want her out of this house.
Carmen Lopez: [comes downstairs again, thinking Angie's talking about her] God, it was just a scratch. I'll pay for it. What do you want from me?

"George Lopez: What George Doesn't Noah... (#3.27)" (2004)
Carmen Lopez: [to Max] Buttmunch!
Max Lopez: [to Carmen] Buttweed!
Carmen Lopez: [to Max] Buttface!
Angie Lopez: [to Carmen and Max] Okay, stop it. You are both buttmunching, buttweeding, buttfaces!

Angie Lopez: [after George and Benny see Noah kissing a guy] He's a jock. He's probably afraid to come out, so he's using Carmen as a cover. I can't begin to imagine what Noah must be feeling.
Benny: I don't need to imagine, I saw what he was feeling. It was 17 and muscular...
George Lopez: Mom!

Benny: [about Noah] I know for sure that guy's a liar.
Angie Lopez: How?
Benny: He said your cooking was delicious. Either he's a liar or he's never had food before.

"George Lopez: Home Sweet Homeschool (#4.4)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: Well, George, I do have time now because I'm not working.
George Lopez: But home-schooling, Angie, that's a big commitment. Remember that special moment every morning when Carmen finally leaves for school and you say, "Thank God, she's gone"? You won't have that anymore!

George Lopez: [to Angie] You know what you always say to me when I'm down? A door may have closed, but a window just opened.
Angie Lopez: Am I really that annoying?
George Lopez: Let's not go there while you're down.

Max Lopez: [to Angie] Why are you trying on your dress now?
Angie Lopez: I'm trying it on once a week to remind myself not to eat anything that tastes good.
Max Lopez: [trying to zip it] I guess breakfast tasted good.

"George Lopez: The Show Dyslexic (#2.3)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: People with dyslexia find ways to get out of reading.
George Lopez: Where does it say that?
Angie Lopez: [holds a report] Right there.
George Lopez: Read it to me.
Angie Lopez: You're doing it!
George Lopez: I can't be doing anything! Because I don't have anything! And I never gave Max anything, except this fine head of hair!... And salmonella the one time I tried to make my own chicken fingers.

Mrs. Wilder: For every book a student reads, we add to the body of their centipede.
Angie Lopez: Where's Max's centipede?
Mrs. Wilder: That head.

Angie Lopez: A lot of brilliant people in history had dyslexia: Einstein, Churchill, Cher,
[George looks at her]
Angie Lopez: Churchill!

"George Lopez: Sabes Quake (#4.15)" (2005)
George Lopez: It's over, okay, everybody run outside.
Angie Lopez: No wait, I think we're supposed to stay in the doorway incase there's an aftershock.
Vic Palmero: No, we're supposed to get under a table.
Max Lopez: You're supposed to make yourself look bigger!
George Lopez: That's for bears!
[house starts shaking again]
Max Lopez: [holds up the back of his jacket on his sleeves] I'm bigger! I'm bigger!
[George carries him out]

Angie Lopez: George, I had $200 in cash in this emergency kit, and it's gone. Did you dip into it playing poker in the garage?
George Lopez: Would you call 3 aces and 1 chip an emergency?
Angie Lopez: No.
George Lopez: Then we've been robbed!

Max Lopez: Has Dad even BEEN in the house since the earthquake?
Angie Lopez: Of course he has, he wouldn't wear the same underwear 3 days in a row.
Max Lopez: Are you kidding? He's the one that taught me how to wear the same pair for 4 days: frontward, backward, inside out, turnaround.
Angie Lopez: [shocked and disgusted] You are, *never*, doing that again. I'm going to go talk to your father, now, go take your underwear off, and put it, in the fireplace.

"George Lopez: George Joins the Neighborhood Wha-tcha and Raises the Vigil-ante (#6.9)" (2007)
George: Look Angie, if the Big Bad Wolf comes after Little Red Riding Hood, then that's bad and it must be stopped, but if Mother Goose wants to get with Jack and the Beanstalk, sabes que, we know he wants it too so it's all good.
Angie Lopez: That is a total double standard.
George: No it's not, it's two standards, one for men, one for women, a double standard would be what I just said except twice.

George: We just found out a molester moved into the neighborhood and we're going to go over there.
Benny: I'll get my gun.
Angie Lopez: Benny! You are on probation, you can't have a gun!
Benny: I'm not an idiot, it's not registered to *me*.

Benny: Hey Angie, you wanna take my gun?
Angie Lopez: Are you insane?
Benny: [shrugs] You might as well, it's registered to you.

"George Lopez: George's Relatively Bad Idea (#4.21)" (2005)
Angie Lopez: [to George] Why is my dad kissing your sister?
George Lopez: Did I mention I got the garage paid off?

Angie Lopez: Daddy's gonna stay here while they tend his condo for termites.
George Lopez: You don't need exterminators, Vic. Just get all the bugs together and tell them stories about Cuba. They'll kill themselves.

Angie Lopez: I should go with Daddy to his cardiologist dinner.
Vic: That is so sweet, but no. It would be too hard for me seeing you in a room full of people you should have married.
George Lopez: Yeah, I guess Angie could have married a cardiologist, got divorced, taken half of his money, hooked up with some young stud... Oh, that's what your wife did. Did I strike a nerve?

"George Lopez: Max's Big Adventure (#1.4)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: [waves at Max, whispers] That's Max!
George Lopez: [whispers] Yes, and you're Angie, I know ALL of you.

Angie Lopez: I need my cell phone back.
Max Lopez: Oh, I'll get it back to you tomorrow.
Angie Lopez: Where is it?
Max Lopez: I gave it to Yoshi, he misses his family in Japan.
[leaves room]
George Lopez: [to Angie] Hey, as far as the phone company's concerned, Yoshi stole it.

Benny: I can tell you what your problem is.
Angie Lopez: Could a day go by when you *don't* say that?
Benny: Your problem is you coddle your children too much. George was always very independent, he was crossing the street by himself when he was 2.
George Lopez: I was looking for food!

"George Lopez: George Finds Therapy Benny-ficial (#5.7)" (2005)
Max Lopez: [about the school shooting] I heard a couple of pops and then I saw some kid holding his arm.
Angie Lopez: You must've been terrified.
Max Lopez: No, I've seen worse in my video game, "Car Jacker 3" when you shoot a soccer mom for not handing over the keys to her SUV.
Angie Lopez: What?
Max Lopez: I didn't want to, but I needed the extra points.

Angie Lopez: [to George] Are you naked under there?
George Lopez: No.
Angie Lopez: Then why are your pajamas on the floor?
George Lopez: Why are kids shooting kids? Nothing makes sense anymore.

George Lopez: He's dealing with this the Lopez way.
Angie Lopez: And how do you do that?
George Lopez: By not dealing with it.

"George Lopez: George Gets Assisterance (#4.14)" (2005)
Benny: [about Linda] The last time I saw her, she was all crying and needy.
Angie Lopez: She was 4 days old!
Benny: People don't change.

Angie Lopez: Show her this letter Max wrote about why he wants to stay in regular classes, I think it'll help strengthen our case.
George Lopez: [reads letter] Dear sir or madman...
[looks at Angie, continues reading]
George Lopez: I really want to stay in regular classes and here are my pot five raisins.
[to Angie]
George Lopez: We let this kid use a knife at the dinner table?

George Lopez: This school can't afford special ed. but they can sure afford urinals that flush themselves.
Angie Lopez: Why are you so out of breath?
George Lopez: [laughs] I got them all going at once! It sounded like a waterfall... then the sound of the water made me had to go again.

"George Lopez: Prescription for Trouble (#4.11)" (2005)
Max Lopez: My stomach hurts.
Angie Lopez: What did you eat?
Max Lopez: Some mints that were in Carmen's room.
George Lopez: Carmen!
Carmen Lopez: What's going on?
George Lopez: Max took some of your mints and they made him sick.
Carmen Lopez: What mints?
Max Lopez: The ones in the little tin in your coat pocket under the bed.
Carmen Lopez: Oh! Those mints. They were probably just stale. How many did you take?
Max Lopez: 5, Monday through Friday.
George Lopez: What do you mean Monday through Friday?
Max Lopez: They were all on a wheel. She had about a month's worth.

Angie Lopez: You're going to be all right, Max. But all the same, I'll call the poison control center.
Max Lopez: What's going on?
George Lopez: You accidentally took some of your sister's birth control pills.
Max Lopez: What's going to happen?
George Lopez: We're going to kill Carmen, and if you're anything like your mother, you'll experience some tenderness around your breasts.

George Lopez: [to Vic] When Angie was sixteen, did you give her the Pill?
Vic: No, I gave it to her sister, Gloria.
Angie Lopez: Why did you give them to Gloria but not to me?
Vic: Because when I said that sex was a serious matter that only had importance in the relationship between 2 loving consenting adults, you listened. Your sister didn't.

"George Lopez: Dubya, Dad and Dating: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2003)
George Lopez: [storming in] Carmen!
Angie Lopez: Don't hurt her! I'm not having another one.

Angie Lopez: Carmen, you don't know how good you have it here. My uncles are in jail because they dared to express their opinions.
George Lopez: [to Angie] That's not why they're in jail.
Angie Lopez: I'm making a point here!

Angie Lopez: [Benny confides in her in a workplace romance] Is it serious?
Benny: [putting on Angie's beauty product] Would I be asking about this whore paint if it wasn't serious?
Angie Lopez: Benny, I think it's great that two people your age can...
Benny: My age? No, Randy is 42.

"George Lopez: George Needs Anchor Management (#4.20)" (2005)
Angie Lopez: [to George] There's nothing going on between me and Spencer, and I can explain it at home when I'm not working!
George Lopez: No, I want to know now.
Angie Lopez: This is not the time or the place to discuss this!
George Lopez: Angie!
Angie Lopez: [to her clients] Sorry, now, where were we? Hmm?
George Lopez: [while making a banging noise] What happened during lunch? What happened during lunch?
Angie Lopez: There was no lunch date! I walked around the mall for an hour.
George Lopez: What?
Angie Lopez: He blew me off when I called yesterday. He didn't even want to have lunch. He told me to get over it. I was humiliated, okay?
George Lopez: Angie, I don't think this is the time or place to air our dirty laundry.

George Lopez: [to Angie] Okay, look, wait, before you say anything, all right, I know I acted like an idiot, but I wouldn't have gone down there if you didn't lie to me in the first place.
Angie Lopez: How could I possibly tell you the truth? How could I tell you that he dumped me, and he never wanted to see me again? You put me on this pedestal like I'm some kind of goddess and I always wanted you to believe that you won the prize, not caught me on the rebound from Spencer. I did this for you, George.
George Lopez: Oh-ho-ho! So close! I'll bet the only reason you called him in the first place was to make me jealous.
Angie Lopez: I wanted to know why the hell he dumped me. No one's ever dumped Angie Palmero. I'm a prize, damn it.

Vic Palmero: [to Angie about Spencer Vogel] I paid him $10,000 to break it off with you and never see you again.
Angie Lopez: You paid him to get out of my life? How dare you!
George Lopez: Yeah, how dare you! Hey, man, you hated my guts and you never offered me a dime.

"George Lopez: George Uses His Vato Power to Save Dinero Que La (#6.12)" (2007)
Angie Lopez: I'm going to go upstairs, scrape a dry hunk of toothpaste off of the sink and brush my teeth.
[goes upstairs]
Benny: What the hell is going on? You haven't broken her yet?
George Lopez: Mom, she's tougher than I thought. We ran out of fabric softener, her thongs are like cardboard and she's wearing them anyway.

Angie Lopez: Why is it dark in here?
George Lopez: Some of us don't need to waste money on electricity.
Angie Lopez: I don't need it if you don't.
Max Lopez: Is this supposed to be a good marriage? If it is, why do gay people want it so badly?

George Lopez: You spent 50 cents!
Angie Lopez: No, I bought these with recycled cans.
George Lopez: Going through the trash, are you?
Angie Lopez: I didn't need to, I found 40 empties in the back of your mom's car.

"George Lopez: George Is Being Elfish and Christ-misses His Family (#5.11)" (2005)
Angie Lopez: When I was growing up, my mom had a Christmas tree in every room and each one had its own theme.
George Lopez: We were poor, on Christmas Eve night I'd sneak into the living room and hang my sock by the fire.
Angie Lopez: Aw.
George Lopez: Then my shirt and underwear because we didn't have a dryer.

Angie Lopez: [flashback] We should do something special, this is Carmen's first Christmas.
George Lopez: She's not going to remember any of this, Angie, she's 3 months old, she hasn't even smiled yet!

Angie Lopez: [flashback of Carmen's first Christmas] Does Christmas mean anything to you?
George Lopez: Yep, overtime at the factory, which is why I put in for a second shift.
[Carmen cries, Angie tries to calm her, doesn't work]
George Lopez: Let me try.
[holds Carmen]
Angie Lopez: This isn't how Christmas is supposed to be! We shouldn't be fighting, the baby shouldn't be crying!
George Lopez: Angie.
Angie Lopez: You're supposed to WANT to spend time with your family.
George Lopez: Angie, look at this, she's smiling.
Angie Lopez: Her first smile!
George Lopez: It's the lights on the tree. Either that or it's gas.
George Lopez: Nope, it's the lights. I'm going to call into work and get out of my shift, I want to be with my family for Christmas.

"George Lopez: Sk8erboyz (#4.6)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: You've been tough, I've been forgiving, we've gone into massive debt to get Carmen into the right school, we've stayed up half the night with Max helping him with his learning disorder.
George Lopez: It's not enough. Last year Max waited up for Santa, this year he and his friends are going to wait on the roof and jack his sleigh. And God only knows what Carmen's going to do with the elves.

George Lopez: We've talked about this before, maybe it's the city. Maybe we should move.
Angie Lopez: George, I'm not leaving the city.
Benny: [runs up] Hey guys, there's a high speed chase about to pass by the house. Let's go cheer on the carjacker!
Angie Lopez: I'll miss your mom, let's get the hell out of here.
George Lopez: You know, if we move, this will be the last car chase we see... I'll get the lawn chairs, you get a bottle of wine.

Angie Lopez: [Max comes home with blue and pink highlights] Whose bright idea was that?
Max Lopez: Boady.
Angie Lopez: [yelling to be heard over the skater boys beating another one wearing a trashcan] LET ME GUESS, BOADY'S THE ONE WEARING THE TRASH CAN?

"George Lopez: Split Decision (#3.6)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: [to Carmen] We have never spoiled you before and we're not about to let some other family start now.

Angie Lopez: [after George tells her about the trouble between Jack and Mel] Man, it's like a soap opera with ugly people!

Benny: [comes in the house at night] George, we need to talk.
[sees Angie in her nightgown]
Benny: Shouldn't you be in a store window in Amsterdam?
Angie Lopez: Shouldn't you be in a medical journal with a big question mark next to you?

"George Lopez: George Helps Angie's Wha-Positive Self Image by Saying, 'You 'sta Loca Good.' (#6.7)" (2007)
Angie Lopez: [thinking she's gotten old and is losing her looks] No more carbs, go to the gym twice a day, and I might have to start Botox.

Angie Lopez: You said you loved me for what's on the inside.
George Lopez: Yeah but right now all that's inside you is fried dough and sugar.

"George Lopez: Secrets and Lies (#2.19)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: [to the kids about Benny] Grandma drank too much yesterday. Alcohol is basically a poison and if you drink too much, you get sick.
Max Lopez: What if you drink just the right amount?
George Lopez: Nobody knows what the right amount is, Max. It's somewhere between the first sip and drinking milk directly from a cow.

George Lopez: [to Angie after she took Benny to the "fake doctor"] Okay, what did the doctor say?
Angie Lopez: Whatever your mom wants him to say. She has soft tissue damage in the lumbar region. And if we want, I have chronic fatigue syndrome, you have post-traumatic stress disorder, Max has postpartum depression and Carmen has hysterical mood swings. Although, he may have gotten that one right by accident.

"George Lopez: Girls Night Out (#2.20)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: [to Marisol] There's only two things keeping me from tearing into you, my son is asleep next door, and I'm pretty sure you could kick my ass.

George Lopez: So we're agreed, we're never helping anyone again?
Angie Lopez: Never.
George Lopez: If we see someone along the road and they're dying, what do we do?
Angie Lopez: Just drive on.
George Lopez: And if somebody leaves a baby on the doorstep?
Angie Lopez: Wait until night and let the coyotes get it!

"George Lopez: George Doesn't Trustee Angie's Brother (#5.17)" (2006)
George Lopez: [to Angie] How can you trust Ray after all he's done to your family?
Angie Lopez: Because I try to find the good in people.
George Lopez: That's a really annoying habit.

Angie Lopez: [to George] You can never admit you're wrong about something.
George Lopez: That's because every time I do, you go, "That's another one for me," like you're keeping an imaginary score.
Angie Lopez: It's not imaginary. The score is 72 to nothing.

"George Lopez: Weekend at Benny's (#3.17)" (2004)
[after breaking up a fight between the kids and George punishes them]
Angie Lopez: That dance is really important to Carmen and you don't have to take away the skate park. Max should just apologize.
George Lopez: That's it? Look, Angie, we're being way too easy on these kids. You know what my mom would've done to me if I'd pulled any of this crap? She'd make me sit on my hands until they fell asleep and then she'd slap me with them!
[begins to slap himself]
George Lopez: "Why are you hitting yourself?" "Why are you crying?" "Wipe your tears!"

Angie Lopez: [arguing about Carmen wearing thongs] It's the tree that bends that doesn't break.
George Lopez: Oh yeah? Well is the tree that bends the one wearing a thong? Because that's the one all the monkeys are hanging on!

"George Lopez: George Drives the Batmobile (#5.4)" (2005)
Angie Lopez: [sees Benny clipping her toenails on the kitchen table] No! We are PEOPLE, dammit! Outside! Outside!

Angie Lopez: George, would it really be the worst thing in the world if we helped your mom out and bought her a car? It doesn't even have to have air bags, or brakes!

"George Lopez: George's Dog Days of Bummer (#5.3)" (2005)
Max Lopez: I want to play video games, but Grandma's still asleep on the couch.
Angie Lopez: It's 3 o' clock, why didn't you tell her to get up?
Max Lopez: I did, but she's not moving.
Angie Lopez: Oh my God, what if she isn't asleep? What if she's...
George Lopez: I'll get the champagne!
Angie Lopez: George! The kids.
George Lopez: They can have some too!

Angie Lopez: [the kids put on a play of Benny's life] How much more is there?
Carmen Lopez: There's the daughter she gave away, and the time she got gonorrhea.
George Lopez: [stands up] Okay! Show's over!

"George Lopez: I Only Have Eyes for You (#2.21)" (2003)
Max Lopez: [after Carmen's prank lands him in the hospital with stitches in his head] I'm gonna kill her.
Angie Lopez: Max!
Max Lopez: No, I mean it, I'm really going to kill her, and Grandma told me how to make it look like an accident.
Angie Lopez: You're NOT killing anyone, and now you know what it feels like to have your privacy violated.

Angie Lopez: [talking with George on his cell phone, unaware he's right outside the sliding door] Are you coming home soon?
George Lopez: Yeah, and by the way, make sure you lock the doors, I heard on the radio there's this guy going around breaking into people's houses.
Angie Lopez: Is he in our area?
George Lopez: [sneaks up behind her] Yeeeees!
Angie Lopez: [screams, turns around] Damn you!

"George Lopez: Now George Noah Ex-Zack-Ly What Happened (#3.28)" (2004)
George Lopez: [to Carmen about Zack] He told me he was going to dump you as soon as he got you into bed.
Carmen Lopez: You're lying! You hate him so much, you'd make up anything.
George Lopez: Oh, yeah? Did I also make up that he trashed the factory? Or that he got a sixteen-year-old girl pregnant?
Angie Lopez: He didn't even care enough about that girl to use protection?

George Lopez: [after finding out Carmen's dating Zack] I am going to kill Carmen!
Angie Lopez: I'm tired of you leaving me out of everything. We are going to kill Carmen.
George Lopez: So we'll still have one kid left.
Angie Lopez: Max is a good boy. He will be our future.
Max Lopez: [walks out the door in a cheerful mood] Well, I'm off to fail the 5th grade.

"George Lopez: George Searches for a Needle in a Haight-Stack (#4.1)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: [about Carmen] George! Remember the literature? She's home safe and sound. We should be happy now.
George Lopez: Angie, don't try to pretend everything's all right. It wasn't all right last night when you were crying.
Carmen Lopez: Maybe you should have thought of that when you told me to leave.
Angie Lopez: Stop it!

Carmen Lopez: [to Angie] I'm sorry, Mom.
Angie Lopez: Well, it's all over now. You're home, huh? I am not going to hammer you with questions. You want some tea, honey? Sugar, cream? Are you a woman now? Cookie?

"George Lopez: The Valentine's Day Massacre (#2.14)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: [George says he painted part of the mural] Which part?
George Lopez: The butt crack. Your butt had no crack, Angie! It was one big cheek!

George Lopez: [Angie's in a chat room complaining about men] Is anybody defending me?
Angie Lopez: Yeah, the 13 year old boy pretending to be a lesbian. The rest of them suggest counseling.

"George Lopez: George Can't Let Sleeping Mexicans Lie (#6.15)" (2007)
Angie Lopez: I signed it the NWA.
George Lopez: Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's old group? You're sending that to a racist?
Angie Lopez: Not *that* NWA, the Neighborhood Watch Association!

Max Lopez: I think Dad's right, there's even racism in school. I'm pretty sure I'm flunking math because my teacher is racist against Latinos.
Angie Lopez: Max, half of your class is Latino.
Max Lopez: No way, there's only 30 of us and 15 of them are Latino.
George Lopez: You're not helping the cause!

"George Lopez: It's a Cliffhanger, by George (#5.22)" (2006)
Angie Lopez: [to George] Well, Brad, I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.
George Lopez: A Cambodian kid?
Angie Lopez: No! I might be pregnant.
George Lopez: What? Oh, hell no. Hell no! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another little Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!

Angie Lopez: George, your mom's perfect man might not be in LA. He could be in a trailer in North Carolina or a trailer in Wyoming or a trailer in Alabama.
George Lopez: I got it: "Operation Take Out the Trash."

"George Lopez: God Needles George (#3.15)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: [while Mr. Nettles is chasing his tail] Does that look sick to you.
George Lopez: Angie look, He's kissing his ass goodbye.

Dr. Lisby: [talking about Mr. Neetles's tumor disappearance] It's the same dog because he has the same heart earrings in him.
Angie Lopez: Man I've been looking for those.
Dr. Lisby: You'll get it back soon.

"George Lopez: The Cuban Missus Crisis (#3.3)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: I need comfort food.
George Lopez: Too late, there's a house full of teenage girls, all that's left is jelly and taco shells.

George Lopez: [Angie's come home late, George thinks she's cheating on him] Angie! There's lipstick on your shirt!
Angie Lopez: I know, it's mine, and if you smell me, I smell like perfume, and if you search me, you'll find a pair of woman's panties.

"George Lopez: George Helps Ernie See the Cellu-Light (#5.18)" (2006)
Angie Lopez: Who wants a nice healthy snack of carrots?
Ernie: Nice try.
Angie Lopez: What?
Ernie: You're pushing carrots, but you got cake in your teeth. You're a horrible host.

"George Lopez: She Drives Me Crazy (#3.23)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: [Carmen and George return from driving and aren't talking] What happened? Was there an accident? Did you hit something? Do we need to wash the car, or bury something? What am I saying? You were here all night, we played charades, you got stuck on "Star Wars" and we all had a good laugh.

"George Lopez: George vs. George (#2.16)" (2003)
George Lopez: [Carmen's been accepted to Allendale] How much?
Angie Lopez: You know she can't go back to a regular school where the kids are calling her a whore.
George Lopez: Under $5000, she goes to Allendale, over $5000, I say we buy her a pair of heels and a miniskirt and embrace this whole whore thing.

"George Lopez: The Wedding Dance (#2.7)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: [sees the video of their dance] Oh my God!
[look of horror]
Angie Lopez: Oh my God.
George Lopez: Should I fast forward to when the guys start pinning dollars on you?
Angie Lopez: No.
George Lopez: How about the part when you start spanking me?
Angie Lopez: No!

"George Lopez: George Gets Cross Over Freddie (#5.19)" (2006)
Benny: What the hell is going on? You woke me up!
Angie Lopez: Max was in a chat room. You were supposed to be watching him.
George Lopez: That's right, we pay you to look after our kids, not get drunk and pass out.
Benny: Hey, I'm 1 for 2, Carmen's alright.
[quietly to Max]
Benny: Is she still here?
[Max shakes his head]
Benny: Well don't worry, the way she was dressed, she will get a ride home.

"George Lopez: George Rocks to the Max and Gets Diss-Band-ed (#6.13)" (2007)
Angie Lopez: Max is going to be out of this house before you know it and you will miss him.
George Lopez: I know what you're doing, it won't work, I'm not sensitive.
Angie Lopez: Oh no? Remember when he was a year old and he said his first word, 'Dada'?
George Lopez: So what?
Angie Lopez: Remember when he was little and would sleep on your chest while you watched the Raiders?
George Lopez: They never lost when he was on me.
Angie Lopez: And the Halloween he was 8 and we asked him what super hero he wanted to be, and he said 'My Daddy!'?
George Lopez: [sniffs] I miss him already! Where'd he go?
Angie Lopez: He's upstairs wondering where his father is.

"George Lopez: George Gets a Pain in the Ash (#5.1)" (2005)
George Lopez: [to Benny] Your house burnt down.
Benny: That's not funny.
Angie Lopez: It's no joke. That's why we thought you were dead.

"George Lopez: Profiles in Courage (#2.18)" (2003)
Carmen Lopez: How come Max is allowed to have a girl in his bedroom, but I'm not allowed to have a boy in my room?
Angie Lopez: Please! He still thinks "making out" is looking for change in the couch.

"George Lopez: Meet the Cuban Parents (#2.11)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: Every time you come here, I get this huge knot in my stomach, and I am not playing peacemaker anymore. So either say something nice about George, or leave.
George Lopez: Or you can say something nice to me on the way to the airport.
Vic Palermo: I thought you would screw up, you didn't. Okay?
George Lopez: Yes, thank you! God bless us everyone!
Angie Lopez: You think this is easy for me? Angie's my little girl, and she will always be my little girl. And you'll always be the guy who took her away from me. Just wait until Carmen brings home some long haired loser in a Black Sabbath T-shirt... hope for your sake that he turns out to be as successful as you did.

"George Lopez: George to the Third Power (#4.13)" (2005)
George Lopez: [trying to outdo the dentist's story of surviving a rough childhood] Oh yeah? Well my neighbor touched me inappropriately, in my no-nos.
Angie Lopez: That never happened.
George Lopez: [to Angie] Quiet, I'm in it to win it.

"George Lopez: E.I.? E.I. OH (#4.9)" (2004)
George Lopez: Angie, I can't be a co-manager! How would you like to be a co-wife?
Angie Lopez: If she would just clean the toilets, that would be wonderful.

"George Lopez: A Funeral Brings George to His Niece (#5.15)" (2006)
Angie Lopez: Veronica has really changed. Her mother died and all she cares about is the money!
George Lopez: Not all families mourn, Angie. Some just cash in a gold tooth and throw a party.

"George Lopez: Wrecking Ball (#3.26)" (2004)
George Lopez: I had a horrible day. One of the workers trashed the factory. We have to shut down.
Angie Lopez: [seriously] Oh, my God, who would do that?
Angie Lopez: I'm just messing with you. What's gonna happen to your mom?