George Lopez
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Quotes for
George Lopez (Character)
from "George Lopez" (2002)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"George Lopez: Girl Fight (#2.15)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: I'm gonna call Adam's parents about this window right now.
Carmen Lopez: Adam didn't do it. Piper did.
George Lopez: Piper? That snob who used to be your friend?
Carmen Lopez: That's her handwriting. I know because she wrote "Carmen Can't Say No-pez" on my locker.
Benny: Hey, thank God our last name isn't Tucker.

Benny: [rushing into the house] Hey, you've been pranked!
George Lopez: Not now, Mom!
Benny: No, I just want to see what it says.
[pulls open the blinds]
Benny: I couldn't read it backwards.
[opens the blinds to reveal the words "Carmen Hopez" spray painted on the sliding door]
Carmen Lopez: Oh, God.
Benny: Now I get it.

George Lopez: [When Carmen comes home from school all bruised up] Carmen, what happened?
Carmen Lopez: I got in a fight with Piper. She kept calling me a slut, then she pushed me.
Angie Lopez: Oh, my God. Are you all right? You have blood on you.
Carmen Lopez: That's Piper's.
George Lopez: Really?
Carmen Lopez: Yeah, I punched her in the nose.
George Lopez: Damn! My girl's a scrapper! Whoo!

Benny: [when she walks in the kitchen] Hey, what's going on?
George Lopez: Carmen got in a fight, Mom.
Benny: [to Carmen] Whoa. Look, you got blood on you.
Carmen Lopez: It's the other girl's.
Benny: Damn! My granddaughter's a scrapper!
[Angie stares at her]
George Lopez: Mom, we don't encourage violence in this house.
[he and Benny give each other a low-five]

Adam Connors: [as he throws stones at Carmen's window to get her attention] Carmen! Carmen!
George Lopez: [to Carmen] Are you supposed to be sneaking out tonight? 'Cause I can go.
Carmen Lopez: It's Adam.
George Lopez: The guy who gave you the hickey? Carmen, we told you you weren't allowed to see him.
Carmen Lopez: Dad, I know. I broke up with him, but he won't leave me alone. He won't stop coming by, he won't stop calling. He says he's in love with me.
George Lopez: [laughs] Really, why?
Carmen Lopez: He says I'm special.
George Lopez: Ha. no. Come on. Really. Why?
Adam Connors: [as he continues to throw stones at the window] Carmen!
George Lopez: All right. I'll handle this.
Carmen Lopez: Dad, be careful. He's on the water polo team.
George Lopez: I'll try not to fight him in the tub.

Adam Connors: [after George stops Adam from throwing stones at Carmen's window] Don't kill me, Mr. Lopez.
George Lopez: Kill you? Come on. You ever see a kid fall into the bear cage at the zoo? The bear doesn't kill him right away. He plays with him for a while. Come on. let's play.
Adam Connors: I don't want to play.

Angie Lopez: [to Carmen] Don't worry, honey. We're gonna take care of this.
George Lopez: But you still have to go to school today.
Carmen Lopez: No!
George Lopez: Yes. Carmen, you can't let them intimidate you.
[Carmen looks at Angie, who agrees with George]
Carmen Lopez: Fine. Get ready to clean more windows.
[leaves the house]

George Lopez: This ends now.
Angie Lopez: You're going to Adam's, aren't you?
George Lopez: I'm not gonna tell you 'cause then it would be premeditated. Let me go while it's still a crime of passion.
[is about to leave the house, but Angie stops him]
Angie Lopez: George! You're not going anywhere.
Benny: She's right. I'll go. I got a bigger trunk and no plates.

Angie Lopez: There's a sensible way to handle this. We have to go to the school and talk to the conflict-resolution manager.
George Lopez: The what?
Angie Lopez: It's a special counselor who will sit these girls down and mediate.
George Lopez: I don't want mediating, I want ass-kicking!

Benny: This is crazy. When George was a kid, I marched right down to the school and I could see any teacher I wanted to.
George Lopez: What are you talking about? You never came to my school.
Benny: Nobody called you a whore!

Angie Lopez: [after George talks to her about his old school bully who now works at Carmen's school] Come on, George. You're just being paranoid. Who holds a grudge for 30 years?
George Lopez: So you're not still mad I forgot to wear my jacket in our wedding photo?
Angie Lopez: Absolutely not.
George Lopez: Doesn't bother you at all?
Angie Lopez: Nope.
George Lopez: So you're over it?
Angie Lopez: Of course. I have no problem with the fact that the happiest day of my life was just casual Saturday to you. Every time I walk past that wedding picture, I die a little.
George Lopez: Hey, I'm glad you're over it.

Angie Lopez: [to George] I agree, this Rango's got a history with you. Maybe he even thinks that he can still bully you, but he has never messed with me before. He is gonna fix this and fix it now.
George Lopez: Don't tell me you're going back to the website.
Angie Lopez: To hell with the e-ppointment. When my baby's hurt, I go medieval.

George Lopez: Carmen, good news.
Angie Lopez: You're not suspended. Piper is.
George Lopez: You can go back to school. Mr. Durango's gonna make sure none of the kids ever mess with you again.
Carmen Lopez: I'm not going back.
Angie Lopez: Carmen, everything is gonna be better now. Adam's gonna tell everyone that he lied.
Carmen Lopez: You don't understand. It's too late. I'm the school whore now.
Angie Lopez: Carmen, I think you're getting a little carried away.
[Carmen walks over to the answering machine and turns it on]
Teenage Boy: [over the answering machine] Yeah. This is Jason. I'd like to leave a message for the school whore.
[he and another kid start laughing]
George Lopez: Who are those boys? I'll get 'em suspended.
Carmen Lopez: [in tears] Then suspend everybody! You know what else happened today? A boy followed me in the bathroom and asked me if I wanted to do it!
Angie Lopez: [as she tries to comfort Carmen] Honey...
Carmen Lopez: Another boy pulled up my shirt when I was walking down the hall!
[cries]
Carmen Lopez: Please don't make me go back. Please!
[hugs George as she cries]
George Lopez: It's okay, baby. We'll figure something out. Go upstairs so your mom and I can talk.
[Carmen heads upstairs]
Angie Lopez: She's not wrong. She can never get her reputation back.
George Lopez: I don't want to see her suffer like this for three more years.
Angie Lopez: Me either. What are you thinking?
George Lopez: Private school.
Angie Lopez: That's what I was thinking. Can we afford it?
George Lopez: No. We'll have to sell the boy.


"George Lopez: This Old Casa (#2.12)" (2003)
George Lopez: Nice going Bob the Builder.

Max Lopez: [reaching into the tub drain] I found something, it's small and hard.
George Lopez: You found my mom's heart.

Max Lopez: [pulls a bottle out of the tub drain] It's a bottle. Kentucky Bou-bon, maybe there's a message inside.
George Lopez: Yeah, Grandma's been drinking in the tub and needs help.

Angie Lopez: There're no knobs on the faucet, how do you turn the water on?
Benny: I got a pair of pliers.
George Lopez: If the pliers are in here, how do you change the channel on the TV?
Benny: I'm not a hillbilly, I got another set of pliers.

Benny: [George is trying to remove the toilet seat] Hey, don't do that!
George Lopez: You like this?
Benny: Yeah I like it!
George Lopez: Then say thank you. SAY it, Mom, or it's coming out!
Benny: [grumbling] Thank you.
George Lopez: What?
Benny: Thank you for the damned toilet seat!
George Lopez: Was that so hard?
Benny: Yeah, it is, you know I don't have a lot of experience with this. Who do I thank for dropping out of high school at 15 and working at a factory? Who do I thank for getting me pregnant at 17? Who do I thank for leaving me alone with a kid to raise? Who do I thank for feeling like I was 60 when I was 20? But thank God I know who to thank for my cushioned toilet seat!

Benny: Look, you put the soap dish up too high!
George Lopez: That's because it's an ash tray!
Benny: It is?
[looks at it]
Benny: That's nice.

George Lopez: [knock on the bathroom door] Who is it?
Angie Lopez: [whispering] It's me, Angie, your mom's taking a piece of tin foil off the window, she's making herself a baked potato!

George Lopez: [runs into the kitchen] Angie, quick, show me your body!
Angie Lopez: Oh yeah, I forgot to tell you your mom's using our shower.

Angie Lopez: George, this place is falling apart, how can your mom stand this?
George Lopez: She's used to it, besides she's older now, she's only in here a couple of times a week.

Benny: Why do we have to talk in the bathroom?
George Lopez: Because I want to talk in the bathroom.
Benny: If anything happens to me in here, George, I will haunt you, I swear I will.

George Lopez: I spent my whole childhood trying to get a single thank you from my mom, and all I got was sarcasm. 'Thanks for the stretch marks, thanks for sitting in front of the TV with that big head. Thanks for scaring off all my dates by asking "are you my new daddy?"'

George Lopez: [arguing with Angie if Benny's thankful] Hey Angie, why don't you get my mom a cup of coffee, I'm sure she'll... appreciate it.
Angie Lopez: I'm sure she will. Here you go, Benny, nice and hot.
Benny: Why, you trying to burn me?
Angie Lopez: [goes to counter and gets plate] Benny, I made myself some French toast but you can have the leftovers, knock yourself out.
Benny: Why don't you just give me some sausage from the TRASH CAN!
Angie Lopez: [to George] I want to punch her in the throat.
George Lopez: Don't start something you can't finish.


"George Lopez: George Nieces a New Media Room (#6.3)" (2007)
George Lopez: [to Benny] Okay, Mom, we got you a cake, huh? Make a wish.
Benny: Let's see, I'm about to go on trial for an armed robbery that my ex-boyfriend committed. Oh, yesterday, I washed underwear for 600 women and my cell mate's delousing didn't take. I wish for a pony.

George Lopez: He's not staying the night at our house again.
Veronica: You'd rather we went to a sleazy motel?
George Lopez: I'll make the reservation.

Veronica: [a large bunny's at their picnic table] Tell me this is stuffed, and not Mike in a bunny suit.
George Lopez: I didn't think of that. Mike, are you in there?
[grabs golf club]
George Lopez: Mike?
[clubs the rabbit in the crotch]
George Lopez: It's stuffed, or I got him.

Angie Lopez: [to George] It's your mom's birthday. We promised to visit her in jail.
George Lopez: Hey, this is gonna be tough on her. She hasn't had a birthday without booze or men since she was 8.

George Lopez: Angie, we'll deal with your screwed up family later. We gotta get to the jail for my mom's birthday party.

Veronica: I'm tired of dating guys my age. They play games and I wind up getting hurt. At least with Mike, I know it's not serious. We're just having fun. It's casual.
George Lopez: And what about Mike's wife? Is she having fun too?
Veronica: Oh, his wife doesn't get him anymore. She has trust issues. Every time he's working late, she thinks he's cheating.
George Lopez: Maybe next time you're hiding under the bed, you can slide out and explain it to her.

Veronica: Uncle George, I can handle it, okay?
George Lopez: No, you can't. You're in way over your head.
[to Angie]
George Lopez: Look, I told you we'd end up raising another kid, and we can't even punish her by sending her to her room because then she has high def and surround sound. I mean, I guess I could program it to two-channel stereo, but then everybody loses.

George Lopez: [after Mike shows up at the Lopez house looking for Veronica] Dude, leave my niece alone. Man, you're married! And why do you have a suitcase?
Mike: I just left my wife. I love you, Veronica. Now nothing stands between us being together.
George Lopez: There is one thing: WAAPAHH!
[shuts the door in his face]

George Lopez: [as he watches Veronica and Mike talking to each other] All right, that's enough. I'm getting rid of this guy right now.
Angie Lopez: No, they're talking it out. If it gets out of control, then we intervene.
George Lopez: You love this.
Angie Lopez: What are you talking about?
George Lopez: All the drama! You love being surrounded by crazy people so you can fix 'em because you're the drama queen, and this is your kingdom.
Angie Lopez: I know you're upset, but you're starting to annoy me.
George Lopez: And that'd be what, more drama? Hmm, good news for the queen.

George Lopez: [to Veronica when Mike calls her again] Every time you talk to him, you're just encouraging him. You gotta get inside the stalker's mind. I knew this guy who was so in love with this woman. He followed her to work, left notes on her car, camped out at her house. I finally had to say, "Look, if you don't knock this off, Ernie, you're gonna go to jail!"
Angie Lopez: That was a really uncomfortable summer for me.

George Lopez: [after Mike appears in Veronica's bedroom] What the hell are you doing here?
Mike: Hey, this is none of your business.
George Lopez: My niece, my business.
Mike: [pushes George away] Take your hands off me.
George Lopez: Look, there's not gonna be any fighting. Just relax, all right? Let's talk about this like two civilized...
[hits Mike]
George Lopez: [to Angie and Veronica] I just lost the element of surprise! Call 9-1-1!

Veronica: Mike's gonna be in jail for a couple of days and I can get a restraining order tomorrow.
Angie Lopez: Well, I hope you learned your lesson.
George Lopez: You don't get to say that. You didn't throw down with some British dressmaker. Sewing must make your hands strong because that dude almost choked me out.


"George Lopez: No Free Launch (#2.6)" (2002)
George Lopez: [whispering at the PTA meeting] How many candy bars does Max have to sell?
Angie Lopez: 200.
George Lopez: How many has he sold?
Angie Lopez: 10.
George Lopez: WE BOUGHT 10.

George Lopez: [at the PTA meeting] They know we want cookies, but they hold them till the end, they're evil. I'm going in, Angie, cover me.

George Lopez: Nobody NEEDS to see a space shuttle LAUNCH!

Angie Lopez: [one of the PTA moms] She was taking a box of canned goods to give to the homeless and she said 'Why don't I just cut out the middleman? Happy Thanksgiving'
George Lopez: OOOH! Mini raviolis!
Angie Lopez: You're missing the point, George, they think we're broke because we can't afford to send Max on his field trip.
George Lopez: Angie, she's just kidding.
Angie Lopez: I thought so too, then I told her how much I liked her sweater, and she GAVE it to me!
[pulls it out]
Angie Lopez: With a 20 in each pocket!
[takes out $20 bill]
George Lopez: [suspiciously] Where's the other one?

Benny: [all dolled up to meet a guy] I'm going down to the Home Depot and act like I don't know nothing.
George Lopez: Good luck, Mrs. Doubtfire!

George Lopez: Angie, those people don't know what poor is. Poor is a mother buying 1 churro for 9 kids, telling them 'Lick it and pass it, lick it and pass it, take a bite and see what happens, lick it and pass it' then flips it over, 'Lick it and pass it, why you crying?'

George Lopez: [refusing to hand over the check to Debbie] Nobody NEEDS to see a space shuttle launch!
Angie Lopez: Give her the check and I'll buy you a churro!

Max Lopez: It's only $500! You spend money on stuff you don't need all the time! Like, why does Mom need a car? She doesn't have a job!
George Lopez: Whoa!
[looks at Angie, sees her scowling, turns back scowling at Max]
George Lopez: Don't ever talk like that again.
Max Lopez: This sucks!
[storms out]
George Lopez: Hey!
Angie Lopez: He's right, George, this does suck, and don't even THINK about selling my car.
George Lopez: Really, Angie, where do you go? The store?
[she glares at him]
George Lopez: I'm kidding! You're already mad!

George Lopez: Hey Max, want to play some catch with me?
Max Lopez: Sure, I don't have anywhere to go, like FLORIDA!
George Lopez: Look, Max, sometimes when you know something's wrong, you have to stand up against it, even if it makes you own son mad at you.
Max Lopez: You know? Grandma has a lot of money in her bra.
George Lopez: You're missing the point, and NEVER go in there, even if you think you see gold.

George Lopez: [to Angie at the PTA meeting] What do they want from us? They had a bake sale for books, a walk-a-thon for computers and what about that silent auction?
Angie Lopez: That was for equipment for the hearing impaired.
George Lopez: No one else saw the irony in that.

Angie Lopez: [after she and Max were selling chocolate bars] We only made 75 bucks.
George Lopez: That's it? Did you go to the rich neighborhoods and do that gang thing I taught you?
Angie Lopez: It didn't work.
George Lopez: [to Max] Show me how you did it.
[knocks on the table]
Max Lopez: Hello, I am an at-risk youth. If you buy these delicious chocolate bars, it can help keep me off the street and ensure your future safety.
[in a serious tone]
Max Lopez: Please, don't let me make you a statistic.
[smiles]
George Lopez: How can that not work?
Angie Lopez: Well, it didn't.
George Lopez: Wait. Where'd you park the SUV?
Angie Lopez: Out front.
[sighs]
Angie Lopez: Stupid, stupid, stupid.


"George Lopez: George Gets Assisterance (#4.14)" (2005)
George Lopez: This is LA, you want to learn Spanish? Take a bus.

George Lopez: [to Benny about Linda] If you just open up, show her what you're really like, I guarantee she'll never want to see you again.
Benny: She's not going anywhere. She wants to make me feel guilty and I've got nothing to be sorry about. I couldn't keep both of you, but I made sure she had a good home and nice parents.
George Lopez: Is that what this is about? Deep down, you feel guilty?
Benny: I don't need to hear this from you.
George Lopez: Look, my father wasn't in my life and I always felt like there was something missing because I didn't know him. I'm telling you, Mom, that's how Linda is feeling right now.
Benny: I am nothing like your father was.
George Lopez: If you walk out that gate, you are.

Linda Lorenzo #2: I'll arrange Max to retake the test and then maybe he won't do so well, and I'll be forced to put him back in special ed.
George Lopez: Wow, you're already holding one of your own on your own back. Congratulations, Linda, you are Mexican.

Linda Lorenzo #2: [to George] What are my real parents like?
George Lopez: Well, your father's easy. He left Mom before you were born, I tracked him down last year, I punched him in the face, he asked me for a kidney, and then he died.
Linda Lorenzo #2: And my mother?
George Lopez: Oh, she's hard to describe in a few words. She's a short, bitter drunk... actually, that about covers it.

George Lopez: Max really needs that special ed program.
Linda Lorenzo #2: I can't put Max back in special ed.
George Lopez: What? I just introduced you to your real mother.
Linda Lorenzo #2: And now I owe you?

Benny: Oh, God. I realized I made a huge mistake!
George Lopez: Mom, you said you couldn't keep us both.
Benny: I know! I should have taken her. She's smart, beautiful, has a good job, hell of a woman!
George Lopez: Of course she turned out okay, she was raised by people!
Benny: It's tough being the ugly sister.

Linda Lorenzo #2: [to George] Why don't you want me to meet her? Are you jealous? You don't want to share your mother with me?
George Lopez: Share? I'll trade! I can be Italian.
[in an Italian accent]
George Lopez: Try the canollis! Forget about it! I know a guy! Whatcha! Badd-bing-ho!
Linda Lorenzo #2: That's a stereotype.
George Lopez: What do you care? You're a Mexican.

Angie Lopez: Show her this letter Max wrote about why he wants to stay in regular classes, I think it'll help strengthen our case.
George Lopez: [reads letter] Dear sir or madman...
[looks at Angie, continues reading]
George Lopez: I really want to stay in regular classes and here are my pot five raisins.
[to Angie]
George Lopez: We let this kid use a knife at the dinner table?

George Lopez: [to Linda] Read this letter he wrote, and keep in mind this is not a trained monkey, this is a human boy.

George Lopez: [Carmen sneaks down to the kitchen in the dark for a snack] We're out of ice cream.
[turns on the light and reveals he's eaten a dozen ice cream cups]
Carmen Lopez: [worried] Do I need to go get Mom?
George Lopez: Carmen, how would you feel if you found out you were adopted and I wasn't really your dad?
Carmen Lopez: Dad, don't ever say that... unless you're sure it's true! God, that would explain SO much!
George Lopez: You're mine! If you were adopted, I would've returned you, California has lemon laws.

George Lopez: This school can't afford special ed. but they can sure afford urinals that flush themselves.
Angie Lopez: Why are you so out of breath?
George Lopez: [laughs] I got them all going at once! It sounded like a waterfall... then the sound of the water made me had to go again.


"George Lopez: A Funeral Brings George to His Niece (#5.15)" (2006)
George Lopez: Veronica! You're all grown up! The last time I saw you, you had a ponytail and baby fat.
Veronica Palmero: So did you.
George Lopez: At least I didn't have a full diaper. You see, you don't wanna play this game.

Angie Lopez: Veronica has really changed. Her mother died and all she cares about is the money!
George Lopez: Not all families mourn, Angie. Some just cash in a gold tooth and throw a party.

George Lopez: [after he and Angie find women's underwear, perfume, and earrings in Max's bookbag] We should have seen this coming when he started lining his army men in a chorus line!

George Lopez: [to Max about Veronica] Max, she's your first cousin and you have dyslexia. If you have kids with her, your mom and I will have to pay a dollar to visit our grandkids at the circus.

George Lopez: [to Benny] Why are you treating her so nice? I'm the trustee.
George Lopez: George, George, my little boy. Remember when I used to hold you?
George Lopez: That's cause you were drunk and had the spins. Beat it bat!

George Lopez: I'll take a shot of beer and two olives to shove in my ears so I don't have to listen to these people.
Veronica Palmero: Yeah, my family's easier to deal with after a couple of drinks.
George Lopez: You know, a good bartender just listens.
Veronica Palmero: And a good uncle recognizes his own goddaughter.
George Lopez: Yeah, probably.

Veronica Palmero: We walked home.
George Lopez: Why didn't you take a cab?
Veronica Palmero: I spent all my money!
George Lopez: On what?
Veronica Palmero: I'll give you a hint... I'm kind of like these chips... baked!
George Lopez: You got high?
Veronica Palmero: Whoa, is it just me or have we been talking for like, an hour?

Veronica Palmero: You're just jealous because you're poor.
George Lopez: Oh no she didn't. I'm not poor! I own a house, 3 cars and hundreds of dollars of change somewhere on this property.

George Lopez: I know you don't want to hear it, but this is what dads say.
Veronica Palmero: This is SO unfair.
George Lopez: Oh I know the answer to that one too, who said life was fair?


"George Lopez: Home Sweet Homeschool (#4.4)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: Well, George, I do have time now because I'm not working.
George Lopez: But home-schooling, Angie, that's a big commitment. Remember that special moment every morning when Carmen finally leaves for school and you say, "Thank God, she's gone"? You won't have that anymore!

George Lopez: [to Angie] You know what you always say to me when I'm down? A door may have closed, but a window just opened.
Angie Lopez: Am I really that annoying?
George Lopez: Let's not go there while you're down.

Carmen Lopez: Home school! Mom could teach me!
George Lopez: Why should she be punished?

George Lopez: You never helped me with my homework.
Benny: That's because it took you forever to read one page!
George Lopez: I was dyslexic!
Benny: Excuses! George, I did the alphabet backwards with the cop's flashlight in my eyes and you could not even find out that Frog & Toad were friends!

George Lopez: Not even professionals could teach Carmen. They're thinking of changing the slogan from "No Child Left Behind" to "She's Not Watching, Run!"

George Lopez: Sure, Angie. I ruined our string of bad luck with our dyslexic son, our runaway daughter, and my mother who shows no sign of aging or disease whatsoever...
[Benny walks by coughing]
Benny: Boy, where'd that come from?
George Lopez: A window just opened!

George Lopez: My daughter's gonna be class president, valedictorian, prom queen, everything she can't be with those other kids around.

Carmen Lopez: [to Angie] So, now you're accusing me of cheating? This is hell! I can't take it anymore! There's no breaks, no one to talk to, it's just you all day! Have you ever spent 8 hours with yourself? No wonder Dad always hides in the garage.
George Lopez: I'm not hiding. I'm working.
Carmen Lopez: It doesn't take 3 years to build a birdhouse.
George Lopez: It does if you're doing it southern plantation style.


"George Lopez: Sabes Quake (#4.15)" (2005)
George Lopez: It's over, okay, everybody run outside.
Angie Lopez: No wait, I think we're supposed to stay in the doorway incase there's an aftershock.
Vic Palmero: No, we're supposed to get under a table.
Max Lopez: You're supposed to make yourself look bigger!
George Lopez: That's for bears!
[house starts shaking again]
Max Lopez: [holds up the back of his jacket on his sleeves] I'm bigger! I'm bigger!
[George carries him out]

George Lopez: [carrying a traumatized Carmen out of her room after the earthquake] Come on, Carmen, I built this room, I know what it can take. If we stay here, we're dead.

Benny: I heard on the radio that the earthquake was a 6.2, it was centered in Northridge.
George Lopez: Northridge again? What the hell are those people doing over there? They need to knock down their false idols and recognize.
Benny: I also heard there's a city wide curfew and people have already started looting. What has happened to L.A.? It used to be you could fix your place up, get a bite to eat, and then go out and loot at your own pace. I might not even go out this year.

Angie Lopez: George, I had $200 in cash in this emergency kit, and it's gone. Did you dip into it playing poker in the garage?
George Lopez: Would you call 3 aces and 1 chip an emergency?
Angie Lopez: No.
George Lopez: Then we've been robbed!

George Lopez: Mom, I want to talk to you about something that happened when I was a kid.
Benny: You know what? Let me save you the trouble: I never hugged you, I never told you I'm proud of you, and I can't say 'I love you' without sounding sarcastic.
George Lopez: What about the earthquake when I was 6?
Benny: George! There are incest victims with fewer repressed memories than you!

Ernie's Mom: [on walkie talkie] Where are you, Ernesto? I'm hungry!
Ernie: I'm at George's house!
Ernie's Mom: Liar!
George Lopez: [Ernie hands him the walkie talkie] Hi Mrs. Cardenas!
Ernie's Mom: Is everybody alright?
George Lopez: Yeah, we're fine, thanks for asking.
Ernie's Mom: Is your mother there?
George Lopez: Yeah, she's here.
Ernie's Mom: Good, then she's not the one that stole our lawnmower.
Benny: [takes walkie talkie] Hey Sylvie! You should get an inspector to come out, because you might be able to get money from the government for your butt, your boobs, and everything else that's falling down around you.

George Lopez: I was all alone during that earthquake, you weren't there.
Benny: George, I couldn't be there. I was stuck at my second job and the buses weren't running.
George Lopez: But you never talked to me. You never made me feel better.
Benny: What was I supposed to say, that everything was going to be alright? Everything's not going to be alright. There are earthquakes and hurricanes and tornadoes, and a lot of really good people die for no reason, and there's not a damn thing you can do about it.
George Lopez: [dryly] Thanks for not talking to me.

Carmen Lopez: Dad! The Changs left another hot apple pie cooling on the windowsill.
George Lopez: Make it look like dogs got it again. Go!


"George Lopez: George Vows to Make Some Matri-Money (#5.20)" (2006)
George Lopez: A stressed-out bride is nothing. At the factory, I work with ex-cons, substance abusers, and sexual harassers, and I'm not just talking about my mom. There's other people like that there too.

Benny: We never had wedding planners. All you had to do was get to Vegas, say your vows at the drive-thru chapel, and be on your way.
George Lopez: Well, Brooke's situation is a little different than yours, Mom. First of all, she's not a minor, she's not pregnant, and she knows the last name of the guy she's marrying.
Benny: I knew his last name. I just didn't know he was going to be using it for his other family, too.

Brooke: Everyone else has quit on me. All the good wedding planners are taken. You're my last option.
George Lopez: It's not the first time I've been a girl's last option, and like all the other times, I'll take it.

George Lopez: [to Brooke] You know why God made you so pretty? To cover up all the crazy.

Brooke: [to George] So, this is the first wedding you've ever planned?
George Lopez: Yeah, and you're wearing a white dress. So we both stretch the truth a little.

Ernie: [seeing George making wedding invitations] How long have you been at this?
George Lopez: Six hours. Would've been done faster, but every five minutes or so, I have to look down my pants to remind myself I'm still a man.

Brooke: [about the color on wedding invitations] You said I could have the wedding of my dreams and in the wedding of my dreams, the ribbon is champagne!
George Lopez: When do you dream? You're never asleep!

Ernie: [looking over the wedding invitations] Didn't you make these yesterday?
George Lopez: Yeah, but I had to redo them all because Brooke doesn't want to get married on March 29th. She wants to get married on the 29th of March!


"George Lopez: George's Relatively Bad Idea (#4.21)" (2005)
Angie Lopez: [to George] Why is my dad kissing your sister?
George Lopez: Did I mention I got the garage paid off?

George Lopez: [when Vic walks in with black eyebrows & mustache] Vic, I'm gonna ask you flat out: when did you fall head first into the La Brea Tar Pits?

Benny: George, George, we were drunk and we were watching boxing, and well, you know how booze and sweaty guys get my horses running.
George Lopez: [looking sickened] Actually, I didn't, but thank you, Mommy.

George Lopez: [to Vic] You're offering me two thousand dollars to set you up on a date with my sister?
Vic: I said one thousand dollars.
George Lopez: I'm selling you my sister, man. Don't low-ball me.

George Lopez: I used to dream that I had a big family like the ones on TV. I remember yelling at the screen, "Eight's not enough, adopt a little Mexican boy!"

Angie Lopez: Daddy's gonna stay here while they tend his condo for termites.
George Lopez: You don't need exterminators, Vic. Just get all the bugs together and tell them stories about Cuba. They'll kill themselves.

Angie Lopez: I should go with Daddy to his cardiologist dinner.
Vic: That is so sweet, but no. It would be too hard for me seeing you in a room full of people you should have married.
George Lopez: Yeah, I guess Angie could have married a cardiologist, got divorced, taken half of his money, hooked up with some young stud... Oh, that's what your wife did. Did I strike a nerve?

Linda Lorenzo #2: [to George] You pimped me out for two thousand dollars?
George Lopez: Why you gotta say it that negative?


"George Lopez: The Wedding Dance (#2.7)" (2002)
George Lopez: [Angie sinks against him dancing] Whoa, come back up here, *that* wasn't in The King and I.

Angie Lopez: [sees the video of their dance] Oh my God!
[look of horror]
Angie Lopez: Oh my God.
George Lopez: Should I fast forward to when the guys start pinning dollars on you?
Angie Lopez: No.
George Lopez: How about the part when you start spanking me?
Angie Lopez: No!

George Lopez: Hey Mom, you made it for the wedding.
Benny: I'm just getting a plate, I'm not staying.
George Lopez: Tell me you didn't cut the cake.
Benny: I cut a piece off the back, nobody will notice.

George Lopez: Hey, you gave the dog a name.
Max Lopez: Yeah, I named him Mr. Needles because of all his shots.

George Lopez: [the guys from the bachelor party are drunk and calling George a wuss] One more 'wuss' and I tell EVERYBODY at work who cried when the stripper pole danced to 'Over the Rainbow'.
[everybody shuts up]

Benny: If you do find your father, tell him I want my virginity back.
George Lopez: Why? What're *you* going to do with it?
Benny: I'm gonna give it to anybody that's *man* enough to take it.

George Lopez: [Ernie, Frank and Carl try to teach George to dance by drunk popping and locking] That doesn't look NEAR as pretty when you're sober.

Max Lopez: [carries Mr. Needles out on a tray, his head in a safety cone] Dad, the dog needs his shot.
Frank: What's wrong with the dog?
George Lopez: Why do you think something's wrong with it? He's diabetic and he can't walk. Angie bought him off some homeless guy.
Frank: ...So do you have a name for him or are you waiting to see how this pans out?


"George Lopez: I Only Have Eyes for You (#2.21)" (2003)
George Lopez: [to Angie] I treat both my kids exactly the same.
Benny: No you don't, you treat the boy better. But Carmen's gotta get used to it; it's always been this way. I cannot tell you how much easier my life would've been if I'd had something dangling between my legs.
George Lopez: Ugh, that's a pretty picture of my mommy.

Benny: Max, how's your head? How many bottles of beer am I holding up honey?
George Lopez: Honey? You never called me honey.
Benny: Well, you should've been cuter.

Angie Lopez: [talking with George on his cell phone, unaware he's right outside the sliding door] Are you coming home soon?
George Lopez: Yeah, and by the way, make sure you lock the doors, I heard on the radio there's this guy going around breaking into people's houses.
Angie Lopez: Is he in our area?
George Lopez: [sneaks up behind her] Yeeeees!
Angie Lopez: [screams, turns around] Damn you!

George Lopez: Come on, Carmen, let's go for a ride.
Carmen Lopez: [suspiciously] Am I coming back?
George Lopez: As long as you're a tax deduction, you will always be safe in my home.

George Lopez: [sees the picture Carmen took of Max] You fight with guys, you peep at girls, you sleep in your underwear with a pink bunny, you're a complex dude, Max.

George Lopez: Why're you crying?
Carmen Lopez: Because I'm so happy!
George Lopez: [crying too] I got you a cellphone to make everything better, stop crying!

George Lopez: I was a boy so I get why Max peeped, but I don't get you anymore. I did when you were little because you were just like a little boy, except you never got caught in your zipper.
Carmen Lopez: Well I'm not a little boy or little girl anymore and I'd like to have my feelings respected.

Ernie: Oh my God! How could you peep at my mom, George?
George Lopez: It was an accident, Ernie. Who watches TV naked after a shower?
Ernie: She likes to air dry!


"George Lopez: Max's Big Adventure (#1.4)" (2002)
Kid #1: [after a kid says the wrong thing to a 'stranger' in the school play] Stop.
Kid #2: Rewind.
George Lopez: Angie, all Max is going to learn from this is how to work a VCR.

Benny: I used to read you the newspaper before bed so you knew what was going on in the world. Remember the Zodiac Killer? You said, 'he's not coming to our house, is he?', and I said, 'it doesn't say'.
George Lopez: I remember that. No Cat in the Hat, no Green Eggs and Ham, just 'psycho kills 12, night night'.
Benny: Hey, you can laugh, but it worked.

George Lopez: Alright, this movie might be a little mature for you, but I think it's more important that you learn that not everyone out there is a nice person.
Max Lopez: What's the movie?
George Lopez: Texas Chainsaw Massacre. Cued it up to the educational part.

George Lopez: [after Angie breaks up the kids watcing Texas Chainsaw Massacre, George pulls out another tape] Well there's no lesson here, but lets see what happens when Leprechauns go bad.

Angie Lopez: [waves at Max, whispers] That's Max!
George Lopez: [whispers] Yes, and you're Angie, I know ALL of you.

Angie Lopez: I need my cell phone back.
Max Lopez: Oh, I'll get it back to you tomorrow.
Angie Lopez: Where is it?
Max Lopez: I gave it to Yoshi, he misses his family in Japan.
[leaves room]
George Lopez: [to Angie] Hey, as far as the phone company's concerned, Yoshi stole it.

George Lopez: [Max pours cereal into a plunger] Hey buddy, what're you doing?
Max Lopez: It's my new invention: cereal on a stick.
George Lopez: Cereal on a stick. You're going to come work at the factory with me, aren't you?

Benny: I can tell you what your problem is.
Angie Lopez: Could a day go by when you *don't* say that?
Benny: Your problem is you coddle your children too much. George was always very independent, he was crossing the street by himself when he was 2.
George Lopez: I was looking for food!


"George Lopez: Prototype (#1.1)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: How many weeks have you had this period?
Carmen Lopez: I don't know... six?
George Lopez: Six weeks, if you went to a Catholic school, you'd be a miracle.

Max Lopez: What's a period?
George Lopez: It's a bullet you dodged.

Angie Lopez: She lied.
Benny: They lie because they're not afraid of you.
George Lopez: Mom, we're handling this.
Benny: I don't see anybody getting hit.
Angie Lopez: We don't hit our kids, Benny, we threaten to send them to your house.
George Lopez: Hey hey, isn't this fun for me?

George Lopez: Angie, does she really need to know how to swim? We're already here.

George Lopez: You want me to fire my mom? Jack, I get scared wishing her a happy birthday!

Jack Powers: It's a big day in a man's life the first time he fires his parent. I remember the look on my dad's face when I fired him. That was a good birthday!
George Lopez: Well it wasn't good for me!
Jack Powers: What wasn't?
George Lopez: Firing her, I did it yesterday.
Jack Powers: What? George, you weren't supposed to actually fire her!
George Lopez: You told me to!
Jack Powers: I thought you'd talk to me about it first, I was testing you, George!
George Lopez: Testing me? Jack, that's WHY I work in a factory: I'm NO good with tests!

Carmen Lopez: Max wants to know if he can sleep with the light on, he dreamed that Grandma was trying to kill him.
Angie Lopez: [to George] You want to bring THAT into our home?
George Lopez: Angie, it's a boy dreaming about spending time with his grandmother, does it really matter what they're doing?

Carmen Lopez: Max had a nightmare about Grandma again.
Max Lopez: [gets in bed with George and Angie] This time she was chasing me with a knife.
[Benny enters the bedroom with knife]
Max Lopez: AHHHH!
George Lopez: [turns] AHHHH!
Carmen Lopez: [turns] AHHHH!
Angie Lopez: [turns] AHHHH!
Benny: [unfazed] Who wants cake?


"George Lopez: George Discovers How Mescal-ed Up His Life Would Have Been Without the Benny-Fits (#5.21)" (2006)
Benny: Nobody's got as good numbers as mine.
George Lopez: No way. You made these up.
Benny: Go out and check the warehouse. I haven't worked so hard since I tried to teach you to spell "cat."

Benny: That's my steering wheel.
George Lopez: You'll get it back when I get back my golf clubs and the new driver you're going to buy me.
Benny: How am I supposed to do that if I can't use my car?
George Lopez: I'm gonna say the same thing that you said to me when I was eight and I stepped on that nail that went through my foot, "Not my problem."

George Lopez: [to Benny] Mom, I swear if you touch another one of my clubs, I'll take your... I'll hurt your... dammit! There's nothing she cares about!

Benny: [seeking revenge for the Reno trip] No, it's not over. You screwed me, now I'm going to get you. It's payback time.
George Lopez: What are you going to do? Raise me again?

George Lopez: [after Gina asks George to go with her to Reno] Gina, the hotel in Reno doesn't have turn down service, but I do.

George Lopez: [to Benny] You never taught me anything. You just punished me. I wasn't "Hooked on Phonics," I was hooked to a radiator.

George Lopez: While all the other kids were camping and getting Indian names, I was alone in the backyard, so I had to come up with my own name: "Boy Who Plays With Himself." After I told all the other Rangers my name, no one would do the secret handshake with me anymore.


"George Lopez: Love Bites (#2.8)" (2002)
George Lopez: From now on, you're homeschooled, anything we don't know, you don't know. When was the Korean War? I don't know and neither do you! What's the Magna Carter? Sorry, bro!

George Lopez: Angie, have you seen Carmen's dance shirt?
Angie Lopez: Which one?
Benny: The ones with the enormous breasts in it.
George Lopez: Keep it clean! Chi chis!

George Lopez: [Adam's at the door] Angie, does that moron have a hickey?
Angie Lopez: Yep.
Carmen Lopez: Run, Adam!
[Adam freezes]
Angie Lopez: You better *run*, moron!

Angie Lopez: [George comes in disheveled with a radio antenna in hand] What happened to you?
George Lopez: Racial profiling.
Angie Lopez: What?
George Lopez: Let me ask you a question: if you're a cop, who do you chase? The BMW that runs a red light, or the Mexican chasing the BMW screaming 'I'll kill you!'?
Angie Lopez: Is that Adam's car antenna?
George Lopez: Yep, touch my daughter and you go back to AM, fool.

George Lopez: Tell her about being 16 and pregnant, tell her about how I ruined your life.
Benny: Oh you didn't ruin my life.
George Lopez: This is no time for jokes!
Benny: [to Carmen] Your father didn't ruin my life, *I* ruined my life. Look, when you're young you meet a guy who seems great, and you forget about what's right or wrong and go to bed with him, and it's pretty good!
George Lopez: MOM!
Benny: I'm not going to lie! But then, he doesn't turn out to be as great as you thought and the next thing you know, you're alone with a baby. And while the rest of your friends are out having a great time, you're up to your stretch marks in dirty diapers. I gave up all my pretty years for him
[points to George]
George Lopez: Are you ready for that to be you?
Carmen Lopez: I'm not going to have sex, I know I'm not ready yet.

George Lopez: [showing Carmen pictures of STDs to scare her out of having sex] Some of these diseases can kill you, and then there are others like... Angie, where are my genital herpes?
Angie Lopez: They should be in your lap.
George Lopez: No, all I have here is crabs.

George Lopez: [showing Carmen pictures] This is gonorrhea!
[Carmen squeezes her eyes shut and moans]
George Lopez: Bet you're not glad now you talked me into getting that color printer.
[to Angie]
George Lopez: The red really pops.


"George Lopez: George Helps Ernie See the Cellu-Light (#5.18)" (2006)
Ernie: All I have is my lucky purple suit from prom.
George Lopez: Lucky? You went with your cousin and she gave birth in the bathroom.

George Lopez: [to Ernie] Hey, don't jump. We're on a fault line.

George Lopez: I'm the manager. It's my job to defend the workers.
Benny: You never defended me.
George Lopez: It's not true. I cleaned the stall in the men's room where all that nasty stuff was said about you.
Benny: What did it say?
George Lopez: I don't remember. I wrote it a long time ago.

Ernie: I'm sorry, George. I just sat down for a minute to rest my knees. I guess I must have nodded off. I don't know why they're bothering me so much.
George Lopez: You know you're supposed to listen to your body, and right now your knees are screaming, "You're crushing us! Eat a salad!"

George Lopez: I just need to think of a way for him to kill his appetite. Mom, do you have any naked pictures of yourself?
[gags]
George Lopez: That last one tasted like hot dog.

Mel Powers: I just got a letter from Ernie's letter saying I'm prejudice against fat people. Does no one remember how big my second wife was?
George Lopez: Oh, yeah, Sheryl. She wore that green dress to the Christmas party and you fired that guy who accidentally put an ornament on her.


"George Lopez: Weekend at Benny's (#3.17)" (2004)
[after Carmen and Max break the computer during a fight]
George Lopez: You guys are spoiled brats. You take everything for granted. You don't know how good you have it. You guys wouldn't have been able to make it through one week of my childhood.
Benny: Oh, please. They wouldn't last one night at my house. You know, they would probably start crying the very first time they had to drink water out of the tap. "Oh, it's slightly yellow."

[after breaking up a fight between the kids and George punishes them]
Angie Lopez: That dance is really important to Carmen and you don't have to take away the skate park. Max should just apologize.
George Lopez: That's it? Look, Angie, we're being way too easy on these kids. You know what my mom would've done to me if I'd pulled any of this crap? She'd make me sit on my hands until they fell asleep and then she'd slap me with them!
[begins to slap himself]
George Lopez: "Why are you hitting yourself?" "Why are you crying?" "Wipe your tears!"

George Lopez: [finds out Carmen's wearing a thong] Angie, remember when we said Carmen's virginity was hanging on by a thread?
[takes a red thong out of his jacket]
George Lopez: THIS is the thread!

Angie Lopez: [arguing about Carmen wearing thongs] It's the tree that bends that doesn't break.
George Lopez: Oh yeah? Well is the tree that bends the one wearing a thong? Because that's the one all the monkeys are hanging on!

Benny: Do they have to do everything I say?
George Lopez: Yes... okay but you can't hit them, and you can't make them hit themselves either.

George Lopez: You're going to live here like I did as a kid, so no cell phones.
Carmen Lopez: Hey!
George Lopez: No computer games.
Max Lopez: Hey!
George Lopez: And if you cry yourself to sleep, save the tears so you have something to drink in the morning.


"George Lopez: Landlord Almighty (#4.2)" (2004)
George Lopez: [to Carmen] Any problems with the building? Take it up with the super. He's in the next room and he's 11.

Carmen Lopez: [about the mannequin in the wall] The mannequin represents my spirit trying to get out of a spiritual prison.
George Lopez: Is your spirit so dumb, it can't use the door?

George Lopez: [to Carmen] You want to be treated like an adult?
Carmen Lopez: Uh, yeah.
George Lopez: Okay, the rent's due the first of the month.

Angie Lopez: Carmen, your mail came, there's something from a school and a letter from Toby and two pieces of junk mail.
[holds up a plate with 2 pizza slices]
Carmen Lopez: Thank you, thank you...
George Lopez: Angie!
Angie Lopez: [gives Carmen the plate] Run up to your room and eat your mail.

Carmen Lopez: [to Taylor] My dad's making me pay rent!
George Lopez: Yeah, landlord and a dad, I'm like a triple threat.

George Lopez: Carmen's about to break. Taylor's eating her food, wearing her clothes and using her cell phone, she's a selfish, ungrateful brat. Carmen now has her own Carmen, night night.


"George Lopez: Feel the Burn (#3.4)" (2003)
Benny: I can't be going through the change.
Angie Lopez: Benny, it's not the end of the world. The gynecologist can help you. There's pills for the incontinence, hormone creams to restore lubrication...
George Lopez: [makes a retching sound] Hey, no vomit.

George Lopez: [to Benny] Look, Mom, if there's a problem, you got to deal with this, okay? So you gotta go to the doctor tomorrow, even if I gotta take you.
Benny: You are gonna take me to the gynecologist?
George Lopez: Yeah, but I'm gonna wear my headphones, so I don't hear the gynecologist say, "Oh, my God! I quit!"

George Lopez: [to Benny] Mom, you all right?
Benny: No, no, not really.
George Lopez: Come on, you're taking this too hard. Every woman goes through the change. It's nothing to be ashamed of.
Benny: George, I got the clap!
George Lopez: What? Mom, you're old enough to be responsible. How could you let this happen? Did Randy pressure you into doing something you were uncomfortable with?
Benny: He did. He told me that it would be okay and that all the cool grandmas are doing it.

George Lopez: [to Benny] This is why I didn't want you to date. Mom, you're too old. You should be closing up the shop by now.
Benny: Well, the shop is still open and now there's a cleanup in aisle two!

George Lopez: [to Benny] Mom, this is my sister. I want to know about her. What's the name of the family that adopted her?
Benny: Let's see. Wait, wait. It was Mr. and Mrs. Mind-Your-Own-Business You're-Lucky-I-Kept-You-Berg.

Angie Lopez: [to George] I've been on the computer for hours, searching for your sister. I cross-checked every Lorenzo in california with the year your sister would have been born and I've narrowed it down to 20.
George Lopez: Well, I slept in, took a long shower, read the sports page, then I called my mom's neighbor and found out where the Lorenzos moved.
[points on the computer]
George Lopez: It's that one right there, but look at you, surfing the web. You rock!


"George Lopez: Now George Noah Ex-Zack-Ly What Happened (#3.28)" (2004)
George Lopez: [to Carmen about Zack] He told me he was going to dump you as soon as he got you into bed.
Carmen Lopez: You're lying! You hate him so much, you'd make up anything.
George Lopez: Oh, yeah? Did I also make up that he trashed the factory? Or that he got a sixteen-year-old girl pregnant?
Angie Lopez: He didn't even care enough about that girl to use protection?

Zack Powers: [to George] My dad knows I'm here.
George Lopez: I don't care.
Ernie: Me either. I got $15,000 in the bank, I'll just live off the interest.

George Lopez: [to Zack about Carmen] I'm not warning you again, it's over between you two.
Zack Powers: I think it'll be over when Carmen gets out of bed to make me a sandwich.
[George jumps to attack him]

Carmen Lopez: [to her parents about Zack] You guys don't understand Zack! His dad was never there for him and his mom's a bitter old drunk. You have no idea what that's like.
[Benny hides her beer]
George Lopez: [to Benny] Do you want to field that one?

Young Carmen: [to George during a flashback, carrying a puzzle] Daddy, can you help me put this together?
George Lopez: [drinking beer and reading the paper] Not now, Carmen. I'm busy.
[Carmen leaves the kitchen; end of flashback\current time]
George Lopez: Angie, I'm going to find Carmen and bring her back.

George Lopez: [after finding out Carmen's dating Zack] I am going to kill Carmen!
Angie Lopez: I'm tired of you leaving me out of everything. We are going to kill Carmen.
George Lopez: So we'll still have one kid left.
Angie Lopez: Max is a good boy. He will be our future.
Max Lopez: [walks out the door in a cheerful mood] Well, I'm off to fail the 5th grade.


"George Lopez: George Searches for a Needle in a Haight-Stack (#4.1)" (2004)
George Lopez: It's San Francisco. They got men and women, women and women, men and men. Sabs que, it's a free-for-all up there!

George Lopez: [to Carmen] You're not going out tonight.
Carmen Lopez: I get it, it's too soon. I'll just go to bed, but I want you to know things aren't the same. I partied with Chingy and I shared a sandwich with a homeless guy. I've done it all. So no more curfews, no more rules, I'm an adult, and tomorrow night, I'm going out.
George Lopez: [to Angie] She's right. Things aren't the same, they're worse.

George Lopez: [to Carmen] You were in a hotel room alone with Zack. I think I know what happened.
Carmen Lopez: You think I had sex with Zack? Well, I didn't. He tried to get me to, but I wouldn't.
George Lopez: How stupid do you think I am? It's San Francisco. They got men and women, women and women, men and men. Sabs que, it's a free-for-all up there!
Carmen Lopez: Nothing happened! He tried to get me drunk. I wouldn't do that, either. Okay, what do you want to do? You want to take me to a doctor and test me? I'm still a virgin.
George Lopez: They have a test? We'll go right now. What time is it, 9:00? We'll go to the urgent care.
Carmen Lopez: Dad! I didn't do anything.
George Lopez: Don't lie to me!
Carmen Lopez: I didn't! You raised me better than that.
George Lopez: No, I didn't. I worked too hard, I lost my temper. I was way too tough on you.
Carmen Lopez: Yeah, you were, but whenever Zack wanted to do something, I kept hearing your voice: "Don't do anything you'd be ashamed to tell me or Mom about."

Carmen Lopez: [to George] You were right about Zack. He was only after one thing.
George Lopez: You know, baby, I wish I could say the same thing, but I'm always going to be right.

Carmen Lopez: [to George] You have issues.
George Lopez: You know, you're damn right I have issues. I try to give you everything I never had and you run away from it.
Carmen Lopez: Oh, yeah, I have everything. I have a father and a mother who treat me like a baby and control everything I do.

Angie Lopez: [about Carmen] George! Remember the literature? She's home safe and sound. We should be happy now.
George Lopez: Angie, don't try to pretend everything's all right. It wasn't all right last night when you were crying.
Carmen Lopez: Maybe you should have thought of that when you told me to leave.
Angie Lopez: Stop it!


"George Lopez: George Is Being Elfish and Christ-misses His Family (#5.11)" (2005)
Angie Lopez: When I was growing up, my mom had a Christmas tree in every room and each one had its own theme.
George Lopez: We were poor, on Christmas Eve night I'd sneak into the living room and hang my sock by the fire.
Angie Lopez: Aw.
George Lopez: Then my shirt and underwear because we didn't have a dryer.

Angie Lopez: [flashback] We should do something special, this is Carmen's first Christmas.
George Lopez: She's not going to remember any of this, Angie, she's 3 months old, she hasn't even smiled yet!

George Lopez: What does he mean they're closing? It's only 6 o' clock.
Ernie: Dude, it's Christmas Eve, everyone's going home to be with their families.

George Lopez: Mom, what're you doing here? You're supposed to be at the casino.
Benny: Oh they threw me out. Turns out Tony Orlando doesn't like having women's panties thrown at him.
George Lopez: You went to a Tony Orlando concert?
Benny: No, he was playing blackjack.

George Lopez: [in George's stop motion Christmas fantasy] Will you be my friend?
Benny: Oh I can't, I've got a date with the fat jolly guy in the red suit who likes to bounce me on his lap.
George Lopez: But Santa's out delivering toys.
Benny: Who said anything about Santa?
[slides down the snow hill]
Benny: Whee!

Angie Lopez: [flashback of Carmen's first Christmas] Does Christmas mean anything to you?
George Lopez: Yep, overtime at the factory, which is why I put in for a second shift.
Angie Lopez: YOU'RE WORKING ON CHRISTMAS?
[Carmen cries, Angie tries to calm her, doesn't work]
George Lopez: Let me try.
[holds Carmen]
Angie Lopez: This isn't how Christmas is supposed to be! We shouldn't be fighting, the baby shouldn't be crying!
George Lopez: Angie.
Angie Lopez: You're supposed to WANT to spend time with your family.
George Lopez: Angie, look at this, she's smiling.
Angie Lopez: Her first smile!
George Lopez: It's the lights on the tree. Either that or it's gas.
[sniffs]
George Lopez: Nope, it's the lights. I'm going to call into work and get out of my shift, I want to be with my family for Christmas.


"George Lopez: What George Doesn't Noah... (#3.27)" (2004)
George Lopez: Come on, Angie. Last year when I said we should go out for my mother's birthday, I meant so that she couldn't find us.

Angie Lopez: [after George and Benny see Noah kissing a guy] He's a jock. He's probably afraid to come out, so he's using Carmen as a cover. I can't begin to imagine what Noah must be feeling.
Benny: I don't need to imagine, I saw what he was feeling. It was 17 and muscular...
George Lopez: Mom!

George Lopez: [after seeing Noah kiss a guy] Man, that kid's a player. He's just playing for the other team!

George Lopez: [to Carmen] Your boyfriend's in the closet.
Carmen Lopez: Oh, my God!
[the closet door slowly opens and Zack starts to walk out; George doesn't notice]
George Lopez: I know, I don't like it either, but just because Noah's gay...
[Zack gets back into the closet slowly]
George Lopez: ... it has nothing to do with you.

Noah: Look, I'm really sorry about this. I mean, you guys were really nice to me, and your mother. I really enjoyed meeting your mother.
George Lopez: Enough of your lies, get out!
[shoves Noah out the door\mocks Noah]
George Lopez: "I enjoyed meeting your mother." Taya loca! "Enjoyed meeting your mother!"


"George Lopez: Happy Birthdays (#1.3)" (2002)
George Lopez: Mom, do you know what yesterday was?
Benny: Wednesday, and I know who the president is too, don't try that with me.
George Lopez: Mom, think back 36 years from yesterday, think how you came to be called 'Mom'.

Angie Lopez: I got you one of your favorite childhood idols.
George Lopez: You got Eric Estrada?
[goes outside]
George Lopez: It's Pufnstuf!
[hugs him]
George Lopez: Oh you're all soft just like I knew you'd be!

Angie Lopez: What do you say to 12 friends, Spider-man, a few presents, and chocolate cake?
George Lopez: No, 3 friends, no entertainment, one gift, and a baked potato.
[Angie stares at him]
George Lopez: What? We're bargaining, I'm starting low.

George Lopez: Exactly what is it we're celebrating? 'You're another year closer to death, have a tie'?

Carmen Lopez: [busts into the bedroom while George and Angie are talking calmly] Mommy, Daddy, please stop fighting! You're going to drive me into the arms of a sympathetic gang member!
Angie Lopez: [looks at her] Did your father put you up to this?
Carmen Lopez: No... it's just hard to concentrate... and all this...
George Lopez: [to Carmen] Okay, two things: You came in a little early... and I didn't believe you on the second one.


"George Lopez: Why You Crying? (#3.13)" (2004)
Carmen Lopez: So Max fails and he gets to do anything he wants? If I fail geometry can I get my navel pierced?
George Lopez: If you flunk geometry I'll pierce it for you.
Carmen Lopez: [mocking him] Ta loca pierce it for you!

Angie Lopez: We're sorry about that trick of Max's with the pencil up his nose.
Mrs. Reynolds: Thank you, though there are bigger problems than just the kids calling me Earth Butt.
George Lopez: [laughs, Angie scowls at him, stops] Kids can be so cruel.

George Lopez: What kind of job are you going to have if you don't finish high school?
Max Lopez: I can be a pro skateboarder.
George Lopez: Really? Cuz I don't see many pro skaters coming in the house going 'Mommy! My elbow, kiss it!'
Max Lopez: Okay, well I can still work in a skate shop.
George Lopez: So you clear a couple hundred bucks a month.
Max Lopez: A couple hundred dollars? That would be so cool! I could get a nice car, a big house!
George Lopez: Whoa! You can't afford a car and house on your salary. I mean you could, if you lived in a bad neighborhood.
Max Lopez: So I'll live in a bad neighborhood.
George Lopez: [takes his skateboard] Ohhh man, they just stole your car.
Max Lopez: No way.
George Lopez: You could run after them.
Max Lopez: Yeah, I'll get it back.
George Lopez: Ah man, you just got shot!

George Lopez: [to Max] A family is only as smart as its dumbest kid, so let's make that Carmen again.
Carmen Lopez: Hey!
George Lopez: Quiet, I'm teaching.

Angie Lopez: Did Grandma apologize to you?
Max Lopez: [shows his $20 bill] No, but she gave me 20 reasons to get over it.
Angie Lopez: [to Benny] That's your answer? You buy family?
Benny: All those celebrity lesbian couples do it.
George Lopez: Let's see, $20 a smack you owe me about two hundred thousand dollars.
Benny: Ah shut your identity hole!


"George Lopez: Secrets and Lies (#2.19)" (2003)
Max Lopez: Dad, Grandma says Grandpa has a tail. Does that mean I'm gonna grow a tail too?
George Lopez: That depends on you, Max. It's under your skin right now and every time you lie, it grows a little bit more.
Max Lopez: I broke Carmen's CD player.
George Lopez: You just bought yourself another day, monkey boy.

Angie Lopez: [to the kids about Benny] Grandma drank too much yesterday. Alcohol is basically a poison and if you drink too much, you get sick.
Max Lopez: What if you drink just the right amount?
George Lopez: Nobody knows what the right amount is, Max. It's somewhere between the first sip and drinking milk directly from a cow.

Benny: George, I fell and everybody saw me.
George Lopez: Yeah, but you were drunk. It was just like Aunt Rita's wedding all over again except this time you had underwear on!

Gina: Tell me, George. Does Benny need help going to the bathroom? Taking a shower? Is it humiliating?
George Lopez: You know, I don't know why you two hate each other so much. Someday, you could run hell together.

George Lopez: [to Angie after she took Benny to the "fake doctor"] Okay, what did the doctor say?
Angie Lopez: Whatever your mom wants him to say. She has soft tissue damage in the lumbar region. And if we want, I have chronic fatigue syndrome, you have post-traumatic stress disorder, Max has postpartum depression and Carmen has hysterical mood swings. Although, he may have gotten that one right by accident.


"George Lopez: Christmas Punch (#3.12)" (2003)
George Lopez: I didn't have any toys growing up, I had fun.
Benny: I bought you toys.
George Lopez: Walkie talkies, Mom? I was an only child with no friends. George 1 to George 2, where are you?
[annoyed look]
George Lopez: I'm right here!

George Lopez: We never did anything for Christmas. My mom would make tamales for Christmas Eve, you know why? So I had something to unwrap for Christmas. 'Is it a puppy? No, it's pork'.

George Lopez: [telling Max he caught Santa] I had him by his beard and the back of his jacket, but he got away, he was really fast. He's like those big guys that can really move, like Jack Black.

George Lopez: [gives Max a piece of Santa's beard and suit] I know this isn't the same thing as seeing him for yourself, but I want you to have these.
Max Lopez: [in awe] Wow... this stuff's been all over the world. I bet elves made this.
George Lopez: Yeah, I'm sure little people in a crowded factory somewhere made it.

George Lopez: [as Santa, jumps into Ernie's car] Punch it, Rudolph!
Ernie: I'm an elf!
George Lopez: Vamonos, elf!


"George Lopez: George Enrolls Like That (#5.12)" (2006)
Rick Martinez: [to George] I couldn't sleep at night from all the police helicopters.
George Lopez: Yeah, well, I didn't have a dad. I was glad for the police helicopters. It was the only time in my life I had any male guidance, "Son, go back in the house!"
Rick Martinez: I don't have a dad either. He died when I was a kid.
George Lopez: Well, my mom had to work two jobs and I had a learning disability.
Rick Martinez: Dyslexia?
George Lopez: Yeah. You know, we have a lot in common.
Ernie: Yeah, you two started out the same way and then Rick went to college and did a whole lot better.

Principal Stahler: Studies show that kids with parents who didn't go to college are less likely to go themselves.
George Lopez: So what you saying is we're stupid.

Principal Stahler: Good evening, parents. You're probably wondering why only some of you are here.
George Lopez: Yeah, cuz all the losers stayed at home.
Principal Stahler: You're all here because none of you went to college.
George Lopez: [to Angie] Strike that, Angie. We're the losers.

George Lopez: [to Ernie] It wasn't a real assembly, it was only for parents who didn't go to college. They're trying to inspire our kids by telling them that we're idiots.
Benny: So when they tell you you're an idiot, they're doing their job, but wen I say it, I'm a bad parent?

George Lopez: Come on Angie, let's get out of here and go home.
[to the principal]
George Lopez: Unless I'm too stupid to figure out how to drive my own car.


"George Lopez: George Joins the Neighborhood Wha-tcha and Raises the Vigil-ante (#6.9)" (2007)
George: Max, there's something you should know... a woman just moved into the neighborhood and I want you to stay away from her.
Max Lopez: Well, what'd she do?
George: She had sex with a fifteen-year-old boy...
[Max rolls his eyes, waiting for more... ]
Max Lopez: And then... she killed him...?
[laughter goes on for thirty seconds, easy; George tries hard not to smile]
George: No, Max! It's a crime to have sex with someone underage, so stay away from her.

George: [beating on door] Molester! We know what you do!

George: We just found out a child molester moved into the neighborhood and we're gonna scare him out, you want in?
Mr. Gutierrez: But I got brownies in the oven, man. But I'll catch up with you later.
George: Okay, we'll be across the street.

George: Look Angie, if the Big Bad Wolf comes after Little Red Riding Hood, then that's bad and it must be stopped, but if Mother Goose wants to get with Jack and the Beanstalk, sabes que, we know he wants it too so it's all good.
Angie Lopez: That is a total double standard.
George: No it's not, it's two standards, one for men, one for women, a double standard would be what I just said except twice.

George: We just found out a molester moved into the neighborhood and we're going to go over there.
Benny: I'll get my gun.
Angie Lopez: Benny! You are on probation, you can't have a gun!
Benny: I'm not an idiot, it's not registered to *me*.


"George Lopez: George Drives the Batmobile (#5.4)" (2005)
George Lopez: [when Benny passes out] We got eight hours until she wakes up, we can leave her in Mexico. We put her in a Pikachu costume, put a sign on her, saying "Beat me, I'm filled with candy!"

George Lopez: [to Benny] I can't believe you never let me drive your car all those years because you were worried about me getting hurt.
Benny: You're not that special, drop it.
George Lopez: Is that why you never let me play football?
Benny: Look, George. If I was going to find a helmet to fit your head, I would have to take out the padding. I was already growing tomatoes out in the backyard, I didn't want another vegetable in the house.

Gina: I'm in the mood for a little Mexican. What time do you get off work?
George Lopez: Gina, there are some jobs even us Mexicans won't do!

Max Lopez: Grandma stunk up the whole downstairs.
George Lopez: Oh yeah, that's her own special aroma: a blend of whiskey, tobacco, sweat, and one dead tooth. It's called
[gags]
George Lopez: .

Carmen Lopez: [chatting up a guy at Thirsty's] Cool, you have your own card. What exactly does a stockbroker do?
George Lopez: [comes up on them] He goes to prison for picking up 17 year old girls in bars.
[man leaves]


"George Lopez: George's Dog Days of Bummer (#5.3)" (2005)
Max Lopez: I want to play video games, but Grandma's still asleep on the couch.
Angie Lopez: It's 3 o' clock, why didn't you tell her to get up?
Max Lopez: I did, but she's not moving.
Angie Lopez: Oh my God, what if she isn't asleep? What if she's...
George Lopez: I'll get the champagne!
Angie Lopez: George! The kids.
George Lopez: They can have some too!

George Lopez: [finding Benny unresponsive on the couch] Mom?
Carmen Lopez: Okay, I just took CPR in P.E. We're supposed to pull her tongue out and scoop any vomit out of her airway.
George Lopez: [looks at Angie] We did all that we could, I'm calling it, time of death, 10 after 3.
[pulls blanket over Benny]

Duane 'Dog' Chapman: WHO ARE YOU?
George Lopez: George Lopez, my mom's the one whose house burnt down.
Duane 'Dog' Chapman: So YOU'RE the loser son she's always complaining about!
George Lopez: [to Ernie, proudly] She talks about me!

George Lopez: Mom, I know in hard times it helps to be surrounded by your loved ones. We ran into some of your friends at the liquor store. Jack, Jim, Johnny, the Captain.
Ernie: [curls his finger like a hook] Aaarrrrrgh!

Angie Lopez: [the kids put on a play of Benny's life] How much more is there?
Carmen Lopez: There's the daughter she gave away, and the time she got gonorrhea.
George Lopez: [stands up] Okay! Show's over!


"George Lopez: Prescription for Trouble (#4.11)" (2005)
Carmen Lopez: I know why the caged bird sings!
[walks away]
George Lopez: [to Carmen] Well, you're crazy if you think we're getting you a sweater and a bird!

Max Lopez: My stomach hurts.
Angie Lopez: What did you eat?
Max Lopez: Some mints that were in Carmen's room.
George Lopez: Carmen!
Carmen Lopez: What's going on?
George Lopez: Max took some of your mints and they made him sick.
Carmen Lopez: What mints?
Max Lopez: The ones in the little tin in your coat pocket under the bed.
Carmen Lopez: Oh! Those mints. They were probably just stale. How many did you take?
Max Lopez: 5, Monday through Friday.
George Lopez: What do you mean Monday through Friday?
Max Lopez: They were all on a wheel. She had about a month's worth.

Angie Lopez: You're going to be all right, Max. But all the same, I'll call the poison control center.
Max Lopez: What's going on?
George Lopez: You accidentally took some of your sister's birth control pills.
Max Lopez: What's going to happen?
George Lopez: We're going to kill Carmen, and if you're anything like your mother, you'll experience some tenderness around your breasts.

Benny: I didn't want to say anything in front of Carmen, but you can't stop her. When I was sixteen, my dad said he would kill me, and I believed it. And I still did it.
George Lopez: Yeah, well Carmen's not you. She's not willing to do anything for a cheeseburger and a ride home.
Benny: It was raining and it was chicken nuggets. This is how rumors start!

George Lopez: [to Vic] When Angie was sixteen, did you give her the Pill?
Vic: No, I gave it to her sister, Gloria.
Angie Lopez: Why did you give them to Gloria but not to me?
Vic: Because when I said that sex was a serious matter that only had importance in the relationship between 2 loving consenting adults, you listened. Your sister didn't.


"George Lopez: Curious George (#1.2)" (2002)
Carmen Lopez: [with red highlights] How does my hair look?
George Lopez: Like you fell asleep in ketchup.

George Lopez: Angie, the boy came in with his pants already half down, if he trips, they could have sex by accident.

George Lopez: [busting into the party] Where the hell is Carmen Lopez?
Party Kid: Where in the world is Carmen *Sandiego*?

George Lopez: [about Duncan] I'd shake his hand but he needs it to hold up his pants.

George Lopez: [about Carmen] How could she say I'm the worst dad ever? I mean there's O.J., and... Macaulay Culkin's dad is still out there.


"George Lopez: The Valentine's Day Massacre (#2.14)" (2003)
Ernie: Angie lied to you. She told you a BIG lie.
George Lopez: One of the kids isn't mine? Is it Carmen?

Angie Lopez: [George says he painted part of the mural] Which part?
George Lopez: The butt crack. Your butt had no crack, Angie! It was one big cheek!

George Lopez: [to Angie] Morning, honey, I tried to surprise you with breakfast in bed but you accidentally locked the door and pushed the dresser in front of it. Check it out: heart shaped pancakes, heart shaped toast, heart shaped ham steak, heart shaped omelet.
[Angie cuts all the food in halves]
George Lopez: Hey! You're breaking all my hearts!

George Lopez: [Angie's in a chat room complaining about men] Is anybody defending me?
Angie Lopez: Yeah, the 13 year old boy pretending to be a lesbian. The rest of them suggest counseling.

George Lopez: [in deep voice, to Angie] I KNOW! Carla told Ernie and Ernie told me, and doing this hurts my throat but I KNOW!


"George Lopez: George Can't Let Sleeping Mexicans Lie (#6.15)" (2007)
Angie Lopez: I signed it the NWA.
George Lopez: Ice Cube and Dr. Dre's old group? You're sending that to a racist?
Angie Lopez: Not *that* NWA, the Neighborhood Watch Association!

Benny: I've had to take crap from people like that all my life. When I was in the 8th grade, my teacher's wallet was stolen and mine was the first locker they searched.
George Lopez: Please tell me they didn't find it.
Benny: Hell no, all I had in there was half a bottle of scotch which I paid for myself with my baby sitting money.

Max Lopez: I think Dad's right, there's even racism in school. I'm pretty sure I'm flunking math because my teacher is racist against Latinos.
Angie Lopez: Max, half of your class is Latino.
Max Lopez: No way, there's only 30 of us and 15 of them are Latino.
George Lopez: You're not helping the cause!

Benny: Where the hell have you been?
George Lopez: I was giving Angie a back massage to put her to sleep, she started telling me about her day the next thing you know, I'm out.
Benny: You made me wait for so long I dozed off too. George! We had a job to do and we fell asleep. We're sleeping Mexicans!
George Lopez: No we're not. This is what racism does, it makes people feel bad about sleeping. Everybody sleeps, it's night!

George Lopez: You want to help the cause, you get an education, then you can buy and sell fools like Sorkin.
Max Lopez: You can't really buy and sell people, can you?
George Lopez: Like I said, get an education!


"George Lopez: It's a Cliffhanger, by George (#5.22)" (2006)
Angie Lopez: [to George] Well, Brad, I might be giving you what Jennifer wouldn't.
George Lopez: A Cambodian kid?
Angie Lopez: No! I might be pregnant.
George Lopez: What? Oh, hell no. Hell no! You better hope Brad and Angelina want another little Mexican boy for their collection because I'm not raising another one!

Angie Lopez: George, your mom's perfect man might not be in LA. He could be in a trailer in North Carolina or a trailer in Wyoming or a trailer in Alabama.
George Lopez: I got it: "Operation Take Out the Trash."

Max Lopez: But most of my friends have already gotten drunk. I wanna see what it feels like.
George Lopez: Let me tell you a tragic story about someone who started drinking at your age. Grandma. The end.

George Lopez: Mom, you haven't done anything wrong.
Benny: Well...
George Lopez: Oh, no, Mom, what did you do? Rob a place, shoot someone? I know, you flashed someone and they killed themselves.

Ernie: [to George] And the cashier said he saw the robber talking to a Mexican dude with his little girl right before he robbed the place.
George Lopez: Dammit! Max needs a haircut!


"George Lopez: George Helps Angie's Wha-Positive Self Image by Saying, 'You 'sta Loca Good.' (#6.7)" (2007)
Benny: [Angie talks about how she's still got it] We're coming up on the corner of Ego and Denial, anybody need to get off here, Angie?
George Lopez: Hey Bat, eyes on the road, wings on the wheel!

George Lopez: [to an old lady who's still dressing like she's 20] Nice belly shirt. It really brings out those liver spots.
[to Angie]
George Lopez: There's the finish line, you want to keep running?

Angie Lopez: You said you loved me for what's on the inside.
George Lopez: Yeah but right now all that's inside you is fried dough and sugar.

George Lopez: [to Angie] How would you like it if I showed up at your work wearing fishnet stockings? And I know I got the calves to wear heels!
Max Lopez: [to his friend] You know what, I made a mistake, this isn't my house at all!


"George Lopez: George Doesn't Trustee Angie's Brother (#5.17)" (2006)
Veronica: [about her father leaving after admitting he wanted her inheritance] I can't believe I thought he'd changed. He just used me to get to my money.
George Lopez: Well don't worry, I taped a clock to a couple of road flares and put it in his suitcase. That should really start the party at airport security.

George Lopez: [to Angie] How can you trust Ray after all he's done to your family?
Angie Lopez: Because I try to find the good in people.
George Lopez: That's a really annoying habit.

George Lopez: [to Benny] How come you never told me I had any special talents?
Benny: Oh, I'm sorry, George, you're right. No one can wet the bed better than you!
George Lopez: I'll remember to use my special gift on your grave.

Angie Lopez: [to George] You can never admit you're wrong about something.
George Lopez: That's because every time I do, you go, "That's another one for me," like you're keeping an imaginary score.
Angie Lopez: It's not imaginary. The score is 72 to nothing.


"George Lopez: George Gets Cross Over Freddie (#5.19)" (2006)
Vic Palmero: [talking about the old days back in Cuba] If an old man put his hand down your pants, he was looking for food.
George Lopez: You kept food in your pants? Why didn't you use a paper bag?
Vic Palmero: And leave my father without a briefcase? I don't think so.

George Lopez: We're going to meet the predator at Ernie's apartment and beat the hell out of him.
Benny: You want me to come along for backup?
George Lopez: I would but at Ernie's apartment they don't allow pets.

George Lopez: [shows Freddie a picture] That's my son, Max, my daughter Carmen, my wife Angie.
Freddie: Is that a garden gnome with a cigarette in its mouth?
George Lopez: No, that's my mother.

Benny: What the hell is going on? You woke me up!
Angie Lopez: Max was in a chat room. You were supposed to be watching him.
George Lopez: That's right, we pay you to look after our kids, not get drunk and pass out.
Benny: Hey, I'm 1 for 2, Carmen's alright.
[quietly to Max]
Benny: Is she still here?
[Max shakes his head]
Benny: Well don't worry, the way she was dressed, she will get a ride home.


"George Lopez: George Rocks to the Max and Gets Diss-Band-ed (#6.13)" (2007)
George Lopez: I'm spending time with my son doing something that we both like. Something you wouldn't know anything about.
Benny: Hey, I played with you when you were a kid.
George Lopez: Yeah I remember your games. Shots and Ladders. Brandyland, and of course, Colonel Mustard in the bedroom with my mom!

George Lopez: Dude, are you wearing a thong?
Ernie: I didn't want crease lines in the leather. I'll just back out of here. Oh my keys.
[bends over, Benny comes in behind him, makes a face]
Benny: You know what? That reminds me, I have a ham to defrost.
[turns and leaves]

Angie Lopez: Max is going to be out of this house before you know it and you will miss him.
George Lopez: I know what you're doing, it won't work, I'm not sensitive.
Angie Lopez: Oh no? Remember when he was a year old and he said his first word, 'Dada'?
George Lopez: So what?
Angie Lopez: Remember when he was little and would sleep on your chest while you watched the Raiders?
George Lopez: They never lost when he was on me.
Angie Lopez: And the Halloween he was 8 and we asked him what super hero he wanted to be, and he said 'My Daddy!'?
George Lopez: [sniffs] I miss him already! Where'd he go?
Angie Lopez: He's upstairs wondering where his father is.

Max Lopez: At least when I'm your age I won't be trying to act like I'm still in high school.
George Lopez: Dude, when you're my age, you'll still *be* in high school.


"George Lopez: George Finds Therapy Benny-ficial (#5.7)" (2005)
Angie Lopez: [to George] Are you naked under there?
George Lopez: No.
Angie Lopez: Then why are your pajamas on the floor?
George Lopez: Why are kids shooting kids? Nothing makes sense anymore.

George Lopez: He's dealing with this the Lopez way.
Angie Lopez: And how do you do that?
George Lopez: By not dealing with it.

George Lopez: [breaking down to the therapist] Then when I was 3, my mom told me the chickenpox was God punishing me for not making it to the potty!

Phillip Nickleson: Max didn't wet his bed because of the shooting, he had a nightmare that he was being chased by a killer and he couldn't find you.
George Lopez: [looks at Max] Well why didn't you fly away? It's a dream, you can do whatever you want, your limit is your imagination.
[to the therapist]
George Lopez: Last night I dreamed I was in the desert, I turned a cactus into Selma Hayak.
[laughs]
George Lopez: It hurt, but it was worth it!
[sees Max]
George Lopez: I'll explain it later.


"George Lopez: Meet the Cuban Parents (#2.11)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: Every time you come here, I get this huge knot in my stomach, and I am not playing peacemaker anymore. So either say something nice about George, or leave.
George Lopez: Or you can say something nice to me on the way to the airport.
Vic Palermo: I thought you would screw up, you didn't. Okay?
George Lopez: Yes, thank you! God bless us everyone!
Angie Lopez: You think this is easy for me? Angie's my little girl, and she will always be my little girl. And you'll always be the guy who took her away from me. Just wait until Carmen brings home some long haired loser in a Black Sabbath T-shirt... hope for your sake that he turns out to be as successful as you did.

George Lopez: They shot Tiny Timoteo in the first two minutes of the play? What're they going to do next?
Senor Scorooge: Look out! They're doubling back!

George Lopez: [to Vic] You know what our Mexican American Christmas tradition is? We open presents and spend time together as a family, but that's not good enough for you!

George Lopez: Now you have to say something nice about Black Sabbath.
Vic Palermo: [thinks] I would rather listen to Black Sabbath than have a myocardial infarction. And that was a free one.


"George Lopez: Dubya, Dad and Dating: Part 1 (#3.1)" (2003)
George Lopez: [storming in] Carmen!
Angie Lopez: Don't hurt her! I'm not having another one.

Carmen Lopez: How can you sleep at night knowing you help bomb babies?
George Lopez: We don't make the bombs, Carmen, we make the landing gear so the plane can come back and reload.
Carmen Lopez: Read the shirt, Dad.
George Lopez: [reads Carmen's T-shirt, dryly] 'Smart bombs are dumb'. Wow, I never knew a rhinestone T-shirt could be so powerful.

Carmen Lopez: This country has freedom of speech, people fought and died for that right.
George Lopez: I thought you said was wrong.

Angie Lopez: Carmen, you don't know how good you have it here. My uncles are in jail because they dared to express their opinions.
George Lopez: [to Angie] That's not why they're in jail.
Angie Lopez: I'm making a point here!


"George Lopez: Who's Your Daddy? (#2.1)" (2002)
George Lopez: I've never seen my mother run away from anybody before.
Aunt Cecilia: That's your mother? Georgie! I'm your Aunt Cecelia.
George Lopez: [remembering] Oh yeah, the poisoned cookie lady.

George Lopez: [looking at a picture of Manny] Who's that he's holding?
Aunt Cecilia: That's you.
Benny: Do you know why he's holding you? Because he just sold your crib for weed.

George Lopez: What's that smell?
Max Lopez: That's our new dog.
George Lopez: Ooh, he doesn't smell new. Put him on his leash and take him for a walk.
Carmen Lopez: He can't walk.
George Lopez: Then pick him up and squeeze him till he pees.

George Lopez: [to the dog] I guess we got a lot of things inside us bothering us. I'm torn up with all these emotions and feelings and, you have ringworm and bladder infection.


"George Lopez: George Needs Anchor Management (#4.20)" (2005)
George Lopez: Look, Angie is the most important thing in my life and I'm not going to let some rich, good-looking dude make a move on her. God, I drove her to this. You know, last night, she was wearing the avocado mask and rollers. She had a little leg stubble. I should've just pictured Salma Hayek and went for it.

Angie Lopez: [to George] There's nothing going on between me and Spencer, and I can explain it at home when I'm not working!
George Lopez: No, I want to know now.
Angie Lopez: This is not the time or the place to discuss this!
George Lopez: Angie!
Angie Lopez: [to her clients] Sorry, now, where were we? Hmm?
George Lopez: [while making a banging noise] What happened during lunch? What happened during lunch?
Angie Lopez: There was no lunch date! I walked around the mall for an hour.
George Lopez: What?
Angie Lopez: He blew me off when I called yesterday. He didn't even want to have lunch. He told me to get over it. I was humiliated, okay?
George Lopez: Angie, I don't think this is the time or place to air our dirty laundry.

George Lopez: [to Angie] Okay, look, wait, before you say anything, all right, I know I acted like an idiot, but I wouldn't have gone down there if you didn't lie to me in the first place.
Angie Lopez: How could I possibly tell you the truth? How could I tell you that he dumped me, and he never wanted to see me again? You put me on this pedestal like I'm some kind of goddess and I always wanted you to believe that you won the prize, not caught me on the rebound from Spencer. I did this for you, George.
George Lopez: Oh-ho-ho! So close! I'll bet the only reason you called him in the first place was to make me jealous.
Angie Lopez: I wanted to know why the hell he dumped me. No one's ever dumped Angie Palmero. I'm a prize, damn it.

Vic Palmero: [to Angie about Spencer Vogel] I paid him $10,000 to break it off with you and never see you again.
Angie Lopez: You paid him to get out of my life? How dare you!
George Lopez: Yeah, how dare you! Hey, man, you hated my guts and you never offered me a dime.


"George Lopez: George Uses His Vato Power to Save Dinero Que La (#6.12)" (2007)
Angie Lopez: I'm going to go upstairs, scrape a dry hunk of toothpaste off of the sink and brush my teeth.
[goes upstairs]
Benny: What the hell is going on? You haven't broken her yet?
George Lopez: Mom, she's tougher than I thought. We ran out of fabric softener, her thongs are like cardboard and she's wearing them anyway.

Benny: Where is the boy who made a pillow out of grass clippings and a trash bag? Where is the little boy who lived for a whole month on Halloween candy? Who used pages from a phone book when we ran out of toilet paper?
George Lopez: He's in me, Mom, I can feel him.

Angie Lopez: Why is it dark in here?
George Lopez: Some of us don't need to waste money on electricity.
Angie Lopez: I don't need it if you don't.
Max Lopez: Is this supposed to be a good marriage? If it is, why do gay people want it so badly?

George Lopez: You spent 50 cents!
Angie Lopez: No, I bought these with recycled cans.
George Lopez: Going through the trash, are you?
Angie Lopez: I didn't need to, I found 40 empties in the back of your mom's car.


"George Lopez: Sk8erboyz (#4.6)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: You've been tough, I've been forgiving, we've gone into massive debt to get Carmen into the right school, we've stayed up half the night with Max helping him with his learning disorder.
George Lopez: It's not enough. Last year Max waited up for Santa, this year he and his friends are going to wait on the roof and jack his sleigh. And God only knows what Carmen's going to do with the elves.

George Lopez: We've talked about this before, maybe it's the city. Maybe we should move.
Angie Lopez: George, I'm not leaving the city.
Benny: [runs up] Hey guys, there's a high speed chase about to pass by the house. Let's go cheer on the carjacker!
Angie Lopez: I'll miss your mom, let's get the hell out of here.
George Lopez: You know, if we move, this will be the last car chase we see... I'll get the lawn chairs, you get a bottle of wine.

Benny: Uh, Ward, June, I hate to interrupt one parental failure with another but... the Beav's been arrested at the mall.
George Lopez: What? What for?
Benny: Oh they wouldn't tell me. He got in trouble with those skater punks. They're holding him down there.

Heavyset Kid: [runs into the kitchen, takes a hit off his inhaler] Which way? Which way?
George Lopez: [points to the living room, he runs out] The fruit in the bowl is fake!
[to Angie]
George Lopez: What am I saying? He's not going for the fruit!


"George Lopez: George Gets Caught in a Powers Play (#5.16)" (2006)
Angie Lopez: [calls for Veronica] Get down her now, you ungrateful tramp!
Carmen Lopez: [comes downstairs thinking her parents called her] What?
George Lopez: We know what you did, we want to hear from your mouth.

Benny: You know, if you were going to give me millions of dollars, I'd give you anything you want, too.
George Lopez: Mom, I've seen guys get you to do things for ten dollars and a tall boy!

George Lopez: [to Veronica after she dresses up in a hot outfit at work] Tomorrow, I want you to dress more appropriate. I don't want you distracting the guys working with dangerous machines. Alberto's down to 7 fingers, he can barely tie his shoes.


"George Lopez: The Show Dyslexic (#2.3)" (2002)
Angie Lopez: People with dyslexia find ways to get out of reading.
George Lopez: Where does it say that?
Angie Lopez: [holds a report] Right there.
George Lopez: Read it to me.
Angie Lopez: You're doing it!
George Lopez: I can't be doing anything! Because I don't have anything! And I never gave Max anything, except this fine head of hair!... And salmonella the one time I tried to make my own chicken fingers.

Mrs. Wilder: I wanted to talk with you about Max's centipede.
George Lopez: Whoa, I don't know about you, but in our house we call it the 'weenis'.

Max Lopez: I didn't finish all my homework last night, but I don't want to get behind, so I just have to get up 20 minutes earlier to finish it.
George Lopez: Yeah, right now it's 20 minutes, then an hour, then you'll be staying up all night to work on a presentation.


"George Lopez: Mementos (#3.11)" (2003)
George Lopez: I'm sorry, Angie, I wasn't thinking straight, I've got a lot on my mind right now, I'm going in for surgery soon to have a kidney removed.
Benny: [getting off the phone] Uh...
Angie Lopez: Not now, Benny.
Benny: Manny just died.
George Lopez: What?
Benny: Your father's dead.

George Lopez: You told me my father was dead. Maybe if I'd known the truth, I could've met him sooner.
Benny: He knew *you* weren't dead and he didn't come rushing home.
George Lopez: Yeah because you were there!

George Lopez: [reading Manny's letter] The doctors say I have very little time left, I might not live long enough to...
Angie Lopez: Oh my God, he died right then and didn't get to finish the letter.
George Lopez: No, I can't make out this word.
Angie Lopez: [reads it] Benefit.
George Lopez: That's a V.
Angie Lopez: It's a B!
George Lopez: [reading] 'To benefit', okay it's a B.


"George Lopez: The Unnatural (#2.5)" (2002)
George Lopez: You're Mexi-can, not Mexi-can't.

George Lopez: [reading his baseball] Autographed by Steve Gravy.
Max Lopez: It's Garvy.
George Lopez: In Carmen's handwriting it's Gravy.

George Lopez: [with Max at the batting cage] Put some more quarters in, Ernie.
Ernie: I got a better idea, why don't we throw the quarters at him and that way when he misses we still have the money?


"George Lopez: George Takes a Sentimental Ernie (#5.6)" (2005)
Ernie: Hey George, thanks for helping me pull my mom out of the tub.
George Lopez: Hey man, tell her I'm really sorry. When she slipped I just reached out... I'm still not sure what I grabbed.
Ernie: It wasn't your fault.
George Lopez: But I probably shouldn't have yelled 'OH GROSS, IT FEELS LIKE PUDDING!'
Ernie: Don't worry, if you're still here next week, I'll have my dad help me wash her.
George Lopez: The way things are going, I probably will be here next week.

George Lopez: Man, Ernie, I didn't realize it was this bad here.
Ernie: Well sometimes I hate it, but what can I do?
George Lopez: Hey man, I just moved out of my house because of the way my mom was treating me, you should do the same.
Ernie: It's not the same thing, my mom needs me, my dad can't take care of her by himself.
George Lopez: Look, I don't know much about psychology, but it can't be healthy for a man to see his mom naked that much. You saved a bunch of money living at home, hire a home health care nurse to help with your mom, a male nurse, one that works out. Oh yeah, and a forklift.

George Lopez: [George's voice cuts into Ernie's motivational tape] You're a man who needs a longer robe, and less fruit basket.
Ernie: George?
[looks around]
George Lopez: [on tape] I'm recording over this because I'm in your bedroom avoiding bathroom duty.


"George Lopez: George to the Third Power (#4.13)" (2005)
George Lopez: Don't make fun of your brother's braces, you're just jealous we can fix his teeth but we can't fix your legs.
Carmen Lopez: What's wrong with my legs?
George Lopez: Nothing if they came with biscuits and cole slaw, buck buck!

George Lopez: [trying to outdo the dentist's story of surviving a rough childhood] Oh yeah? Well my neighbor touched me inappropriately, in my no-nos.
Angie Lopez: That never happened.
George Lopez: [to Angie] Quiet, I'm in it to win it.

Ernie: The Powers Brothers are too cheap to pay for anything. They won't pay for my fiancee's rehab, I can't get paternal leave because her kid's not mine, and I can't legally adopt him because I'm not married to his mom.
George Lopez: I think we know how this story ends, don't we, Mom?
George Lopez, Benny: [chanting] Jerry! Jerry!
Ernie: Ha ha, yeah laugh it up, your family's not so perfect either, with the runway daughter, the gang banger son, and GONORRHEA GRANNY! Jerry! Jerry!


"George Lopez: The Cuban Missus Crisis (#3.3)" (2003)
Angie Lopez: I need comfort food.
George Lopez: Too late, there's a house full of teenage girls, all that's left is jelly and taco shells.

Vic Palermo: [on the phone with is wife] No, don't apologize to me. Apologize to God for walking out on 40 years of marriage!
[throws the phone away, turns around and sees George]
George Lopez: [looks at his beer can] WOW! This doesn't taste like one calorie!

George Lopez: [Angie's come home late, George thinks she's cheating on him] Angie! There's lipstick on your shirt!
Angie Lopez: I know, it's mine, and if you smell me, I smell like perfume, and if you search me, you'll find a pair of woman's panties.


"George Lopez: Wrecking Ball (#3.26)" (2004)
Carmen Lopez: [when she finds out who vandalized the factory] Zack Powers did this?
George Lopez: Hey, I told you he was a criminal! God help the skank that falls in love with him.
[Carmen makes a face]

George Lopez: Come on, Mel. Would you fire your mom for something she didn't do?
Mel Powers: Oh, man. I just wish she was alive so I could do it again!

George Lopez: I had a horrible day. One of the workers trashed the factory. We have to shut down.
Angie Lopez: [seriously] Oh, my God, who would do that?
[laughs]
Angie Lopez: I'm just messing with you. What's gonna happen to your mom?


"George Lopez: She Drives Me Crazy (#3.23)" (2004)
George Lopez: [shows Carmen a calendar] What's the date circled?
Carmen Lopez: My 18th birthday...
George Lopez: I circled that, because that's going to be the worst day of my life.
Carmen Lopez: Oh... why's there a little potato next to it?
George Lopez: Actually that's a boot, I was angry at you one day and I was going to kick you out.

George Lopez: [imitating Carmen] I hate you! Stomp, stomp, slam. You're the worst dad ever! Stomp, stomp, slam. Nobody cares about my feelings! Stomp, trip, fall!


"George Lopez: Girls Night Out (#2.20)" (2003)
George Lopez: So we're agreed, we're never helping anyone again?
Angie Lopez: Never.
George Lopez: If we see someone along the road and they're dying, what do we do?
Angie Lopez: Just drive on.
George Lopez: And if somebody leaves a baby on the doorstep?
Angie Lopez: Wait until night and let the coyotes get it!

George Lopez: [to Max's scout leader who's been making racist statements all night] And you, Grand Dragon, you've got to the count of three to get out of my yard!


"George Lopez: George vs. George (#2.16)" (2003)
George Lopez: [Carmen's been accepted to Allendale] How much?
Angie Lopez: You know she can't go back to a regular school where the kids are calling her a whore.
George Lopez: Under $5000, she goes to Allendale, over $5000, I say we buy her a pair of heels and a miniskirt and embrace this whole whore thing.

George Lopez: [finding out how much Carmen's new school costs] $14,000?
Benny: For $100 I could buy her a fake I.D. and she could go right to work


"George Lopez: George Gets a Pain in the Ash (#5.1)" (2005)
George Lopez: Carmen, you're sixteen. How can you be pregnant?
Benny: Whoa, deja vu. I remember having this same fight with my dad except he chased me through the neighborhood with a machete. Back then, they let you be parents.

George Lopez: [to Benny] Your house burnt down.
Benny: That's not funny.
Angie Lopez: It's no joke. That's why we thought you were dead.


"George Lopez: Profiles in Courage (#2.18)" (2003)
George Lopez: Come on, Mom. How many times have you been judged by your background?
Benny: Hey! When people judge me, it's because they know me. Not because of my background!

George Lopez: [about firing Hosni for being Araba and a professional flier] You don't understand how many times I've been discriminated. When I go to the mall, the cops follow me. When I'm mowing the lawn, some of the neighbors ask how much I pay. Once, when I was playing golf, a man actually drove up and gave me his keys to his car!
Carmen Lopez: What did you do?
George Lopez: I took it!


"George Lopez: The Trouble with Ricky (#3.14)" (2004)
Wendy: You want to come in for a drink? I'm expecting some wine to be delivered.
George Lopez: Do you know it's 10:30 in the morning?
Wendy: It's a white wine.

George Lopez: [Ernie offers to be Ricky's foster parent] What will you do if he drives the car through your fence?
Ernie: George, my dad's 75, he does that every week.


"George Lopez: The Simple Life (#4.7)" (2004)
Benny: I want the truth and I want it now.
George Lopez: Okay... you're not shrinking. Ernie and I have been lengthening your workcoat...
Ernie: [coughs] Not that.

Max Lopez: Wow, check it out, there's a big bear head over the fireplace. Is the rest of him on the other side?
George Lopez: Think about it, the other side of this wall's the parking lot, did you see a huge bear ass out there?
Max Lopez: [under his breath] Yeah, taking up the driver's seat.


"George Lopez: Token of Unappreciation (#2.2)" (2002)
George Lopez: I don't want to work for a company where I can't get fired for smacking a white man's nalgas.

Carmen Lopez: [asked why she'd go to a party with girls who insulted Toby] But she won't be there!
George Lopez: See, that's because you're using teenage logic, it's THAT thinking that gets your kind killed first in the horror movies.


"George Lopez: George Testi-Lies for Benny (#6.4)" (2007)
George: You're supposed to do better for your kids, Mom.
Benny: Believe it or not, I did.
George: Then why didn't you do any of the things you asked the OTHER FAMILY TO DO?
Benny: I didn't think I could!

George: She made one stupid mistake when she was young. She never committed another crime and she's worked at the same job for 30 years. Don't send her to prison.


"George Lopez: George's Extreme Makeover: Holmes Edition (#4.22)" (2005)
Ernie: Hey, I'm ready today, Bro. Sabes qué? I stayed up late watching home improvement shows. Yeah. I think we could class this place up with some sconces and some Roman shades, huh? Huh?
George Lopez: Look, take it easy, Queer Eye. We're in way over our heads, Man. There's no way we're gonna get this done in three days; not with all the plumbing and electrical stuff.
Ernie: Yeah, you know, "can't" is just another way of saying "won't".
George Lopez: You wanna get shocked 'til you pee again?
Ernie: No...
[checks his crotch]
Ernie: So what, what are you gonna do, you gonna call a contractor?
George Lopez: No, I don't wanna spend the money. Look, I called Victor and Bobby from the old neighborhood; they're on their way over.
Ernie: I don't know about those dudes, George. They cut a lot of corners!
George Lopez: That's why I want them! They're quick and they're cheap.
Ernie: Ch-yeah. But remember when they hooked up the septic tank at the Martinez place? They got the lines all crossed up? The first time the mom used the dishwasher, the whole family got hepatitis.
George Lopez: Man, she's barely breaking even! I'm not gonna put thousands of dollars into something that might not pay off. Remember her candle business?
Ernie: [softly] Oh.
George Lopez: Scents of Cuba?
Ernie: Yeah.
George Lopez: It turns out nobody wants to smell like poverty and cigars.
[Ernie chuckles; Victor enters and then Bobby]
Victor: 'Sup?
George Lopez: [Deep voice akin to Victor's] 'Sup.
Bobby: 'Sup.
George Lopez: [deep voice] 'Sup.
[normal voice]
George Lopez: 'Memba Ernie?
Victor: 'Sup.
Ernie: [quickly] 'Sup.
Bobby: 'Sup.
Ernie: 'Sup.
Victor: So, uh, I hear you need an office for your old lady.
George Lopez: Yeah and it's gotta be really nice, too, Victor. It's gotta have hardwood floors, recessed lighting, crown molding, everything y todo, the whole nine yarns.
Bobby: How is Angie; is she still fine?

Bobby: Still live with your mom and dad, Ernie?
Ernie: Hey, I pay rent, alright? So it's more like we're roommates.
Bobby: Did your roommates lay out those nice overalls for you this morning?
Ernie: No way! She's not even allowed in my room; there's a sign and everything; she knows that, fool! You know what? Whatever, eh. You know what, I don't need this crap.
[hangs up his tools in disgust]
Ernie: Victor, Bobby, Victor, why don't you marry em?
George Lopez: Look. This gotta be done by Monday. That's three days, huh. Can you do it?
Victor: [looks to the left side of the garage] Hmm, depends. What about permits?
George Lopez: I'm permitting you.
Victor: Monday it is.
George Lopez: Alright, look it, Angie can't know you're here, okay? So you gotta be out of here by 6 every night, before she gets home from the bridal expo.
Bobby: Hold on, hold on, hold the horse, huh. There's a lot of work here for three days. We don't have a deal until we talk about a equitable compensation package.
Victor: [points in agreement at Bobby] Mmm. Mm-hmm. Now let's see: We got - we got electric, plumbing,
[whistles]
Victor: carpentry, materials...
Bobby: You want us to use nails on this, George?
George Lopez: [in disbelief] Yeah!
Victor: Hey, relajate. We'll get a box!
[turns to Bobby]
Victor: We won't use them all. So um...
[whispers between the men and Bobby agrees to something; Victor tuns to George]
Victor: 10 cases of beer should do it.
George Lopez: [doubtful] You wanna be paid in beer?
Bobby: Well, yeah, it's where the money's gonna go anyway.
[pats stomach]


"George Lopez: Team Leader (#2.22)" (2003)
George Lopez: I should've known better than to listen to someone who said the 'tooth fairy and Santa Claus killed each other so don't expect anything for Christmas'.

George Lopez: [Ernie says he can get the workers to fill their quotas] How're you going to do that?
Ernie: Five words: pizza party at the zoo.


"George Lopez: Charity (#2.10)" (2002)
George Lopez: [Angie's spending Saturdays teaching ex gang members how to groom dogs] Angie, Saturday is our family day. I grill, you make up a list of things for me to do, I hide in the yard... where can I hide now that there's poop and guns all over the yard?

Marisol: [talking to a friend on the factory's business phone] I know, huh? I know, huh? I KNOW, huh?
[George hangs up the phone]
Marisol: That wasn't cool!
George Lopez: I know, huh?


"George Lopez: George's Mom Faces Hard Tambien (#6.1)" (2007)
Vic Palmero: The point is that I am marrying a 27 year old!
George Lopez: You know what Vic? When she goes to her High School reunion, she can bring your ashes. Oh that's not an ash tray, that's my husband.


"George Lopez: Bringing Home the Bacon (#3.8)" (2003)
George Lopez: Everyone knows that a man with a job doesn't have to give his wife emotional support.


"George Lopez: George's House Has Two Empty Wombs (#6.2)" (2007)
Jonathon K. Martin: Me and my secretary were fooling around in my office. My wife called. I said there was something on my desk, that needed my attention. Now did I lie?
George: Cochino, yeah you lied!


"George Lopez: God Needles George (#3.15)" (2004)
Angie Lopez: [while Mr. Nettles is chasing his tail] Does that look sick to you.
George Lopez: Angie look, He's kissing his ass goodbye.


"George Lopez: Leave It to Lopez (#4.5)" (2004)
George Lopez: [watching TV] Hey, "Leave It to Beaver."
Max Lopez: I hate these old shows.
George Lopez: Hey, when I was growing up, my dad wasn't around, my mom was always working - these shows were like my family. "The Munsters," "The Jetsons"... I used to pretend they loved me.
Max Lopez: And you're the guy I'm supposed to look up to, huh?
George Lopez: [as Ralph Kramden from "The Honeymooners"] One of these days, Max, one of these days... POW! ZOOM! Straight to the moon!
[Max looks confused]
George Lopez: [as Vinnie Barbarino from "Welcome Back, Kotter"] Up your nose with a rubber hose?
[as Flo from "Alice"]
George Lopez: Oh, kiss my grits!
[as Chico from "Chico and the Man"]
George Lopez: It's not my job, man!
[normal voice]
George Lopez: Eh, go to bed.
[he does]
George Lopez: Max,
[as Fred Sanford from "Sanford and Son"]
George Lopez: good night, you big dummy!
Max Lopez: [exasperated] I don't know what you're saying!


"George Lopez: E.I.? E.I. OH (#4.9)" (2004)
George Lopez: Angie, I can't be a co-manager! How would you like to be a co-wife?
Angie Lopez: If she would just clean the toilets, that would be wonderful.


"George Lopez: Split Decision (#3.6)" (2003)
Carmen Lopez: I'll just need the ski equipment, it shouldn't cost more than... five hundred dollars.
George Lopez: Five hundred dollars? Ta loca, five hundred dollars!
Carmen Lopez: Well, what if you don't buy me anything for Christmas?
George Lopez: You're still four hundred and eighty dollars short.