Evelyn Harper
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Quotes for
Evelyn Harper (Character)
from "Two and a Half Men" (2003)

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"Two and a Half Men: Walnuts and Demerol (#4.11)" (2006)
Evelyn: Do you trust me?
Alan Harper, Berta, Charlie Harper, Rose: No!
Evelyn: Okay, but you know I have your best interest at heart. Don't you?
Alan Harper, Berta, Charlie Harper, Rose: NO!

Dorothy: It's not like we couldn't expect this, given that your son has spent his adult life humping his way through the Las Vegas adult population!
Evelyn: Oh, like this booze-addled tart is an innocent victim?
Gloria: Hey, I'm drunk not deaf!

Evelyn: I forbid you to see this woman anymore.
Charlie Harper: You forbid? What gives you the right to forbid? I'm 39 years old.
Evelyn: I'm your mother, you are 40, and you must not see this woman anymore!
Charlie Harper: Mom, you know that just makes me want her more.
Evelyn: Charlie I mean it!
Charlie Harper: I'm getting hotter...
Evelyn: Look, I know certain things about Gloria's past which are... well... unsavory.
Charlie Harper: Okay, I'm going supernova!
Evelyn: Will you listen to me? If you continue to see this woman, it will hurt me deeply!
Charlie Harper: [to Alan] I may have to marry this girl!


"Two and a Half Men: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers (#2.8)" (2004)
Charlie: Mom! Thank God, you're here!
Evelyn Harper: Oh, I don't need your sarcasm, Charlie.

Evelyn Harper: [Alan puts his hand up to protect himself from another slap on the head] I'm not going to hit you, darling.
Evelyn Harper: [Alan lower his hand] Charlie!
[Charlie hits Alan]

Evelyn Harper: [to Alan] Ohhh, my randy little nin-com-poop. Listen, if I had gotten married after every weekend of hot, sweaty, debauchery with a virtual stranger, you'd have... well, many more step fathers than you already have.


"Two and a Half Men: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On (#2.21)" (2005)
Charlie Harper: [their mother just came to visit] So, Mom, to what do we owe this unexpected, uuh...
Evelyn Harper: Pleasure?
Charlie Harper: No, that's not it.
Evelyn Harper: I was showing a house in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd visit people I love.
Alan Harper: And they weren't home?

Evelyn Harper: I'm going to need something black.
Charlie Harper: Doesn't your soul qualify?


"Two and a Half Men: Apologies for the Frivolity (#4.6)" (2006)
Lydia: Oh, yes! Evelyn Harper. I recognize you from your bus bench ads. People all over town are sitting on your face!
Evelyn Harper: Well dear, maybe someday if you work hard, people will be sitting on your face too!

Evelyn Harper: Are you sure you don't want to stay and finish putting on your make-up?
Lydia: That's OK, I'm done. Would you like to borrow some?
Evelyn Harper: No thanks. I'm allergic to the drug store brands.


"Two and a Half Men: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut (#2.14)" (2005)
Evelyn Harper: I see! So you're *both* turning against me!
Charlie Harper: No, I turned a looong time ago. Alan's just catching up.

Evelyn Harper: [Evelyn's in the hospital faking heart trouble, Charlie repeatedly pulls a heart monitor plug in and out] Charlie, what in God's name are you doing?
Charlie Harper: Just practicing.


"Two and a Half Men: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance (#2.6)" (2004)
Evelyn Harper: [Alan is furious with Charlie] How are my boys doing this evening?
Evelyn Harper: [no response] Burrrr... Well, I think Mommy has the answer. Alan, if you find it intolerable, living under the same roof with the brother who betrayed you, then you and Jake can come and live with me.
Alan Harper: [thinks it over, turns to Charlie, shaking his hand] We're good.

Evelyn Harper: So, dear...
Jake Harper: What?
Evelyn Harper: Do you see anything you like?
Jake Harper: I don't know, what's venison?
Evelyn Harper: Deer.
Jake Harper: What?
Evelyn Harper: Deer.
Jake Harper: What?
Evelyn Harper: Deer. d e e r.
Jake Harper: What? w h a t.


"Two and a Half Men: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana (#2.7)" (2004)
Evelyn Harper: Why does anyone want a party? To feel superior while feigning humility!

Evelyn Harper: Believe it or not, Alan, your mother is a very sensitive woman and I can feel when people around me know that I hate them.


"Two and a Half Men: Go Get Mommy's Bra (#2.4)" (2004)
Evelyn Harper: Now go get mommy's bra.
[Charlie rises and pulls her bra from his pocket; pause]
Evelyn Harper: Oh darling, that's just sick.
[takes the bra start to walk away; then turns around]
Evelyn Harper: Seek help.


"Two and a Half Men: Working for Caligula (#4.1)" (2006)
Alan Harper: [Alan's lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up] God what plague have you set upon me now?
Evelyn: Alan, it's mommy.
Alan Harper: Good one.


"Two and a Half Men: Whipped Unto the Third Generation (#7.2)" (2009)
Evelyn: [On the answering machine] Hello Charlie. It's your mother. Remember me? The woman who carried you in her womb for roughly seven-and-a-half months? Anyway, I'd say call me, but what's the point? I've long since given up expecting any kind of consideration or...
[machine cuts her off]
Chelsea: Seven-and-a-half months?
Charlie: She always said if God had intended us to give up our figures, he wouldn't have invented C-sections and incubators.


"Two and a Half Men: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat (#5.5)" (2007)
[Alan goes to Evelyn's to ask her for money]
Evelyn Harper: [Comes to the front door dressed as a schoolgirl] What can I do for you, Alan?
Alan Harper: [pause] Nothing. Never mind.


"Two and a Half Men: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls (#2.2)" (2004)
Berta: [about Charlie] Was he breastfed?
Evelyn Harper: Of course he was. Not by me, personally.


"Two and a Half Men: I Merely Slept with a Commie (#4.17)" (2007)
Evelyn: Can you believe!... Two of Cynthia's three children didn't even bother showing up at her funeral, and the one who did was drunk, and cracking tasteless jokes about his Mother all throughout the service...
Charlie Harper: You didn't happen to jot any of them down, did you?


"Two and a Half Men: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab (#2.23)" (2005)
Evelyn Harper: Excuse me. I didn't hear any complaints when I was raising you two.
Charlie Harper: Really? The teen-age drinking, and constant running away wasn't a slight tip-off?


"Two and a Half Men: Humiliation Is a Visual Medium (#3.13)" (2006)
Evelyn Harper: Well, we can rule out ecstasy. That's a powerful aphrodisiac.
Jake Harper: Nowadays, you're supposed to say african american disiac.


"Two and a Half Men: It Was Mame, Mom (#2.18)" (2005)
Evelyn Harper: It doesn't matter, darling. You're here, you're queer. I'm used to it.


"Two and a Half Men: The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress (#4.3)" (2006)
Alan Harper: [Evelyn comes in with her lips grotesquely swollen] What happened to your mouth?
Evelyn Harper: I just had a little procedure.
Alan Harper: [astonished] What kind of procedure?
Charlie Harper: They sucked some fat out of her ass, and shot it into her lips.
Alan Harper: What did they do... use the *whole* ass?


"Two and a Half Men: Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids (#5.9)" (2007)
Evelyn: So I just naturally assumed that something had come up that was more important than your father's happiness.
Courtney: Well, Evelyn, you know what they say about assuming... when you assume, you're just a bitch.
Evelyn: Pardon, there are children present.
Jake Harper: She means me, but I'm fine with it.


"Two and a Half Men: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop (#3.7)" (2005)
Evelyn Harper: I think God gives us children so death won't come as *such* a disappointment.


"Two and a Half Men: Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room (#5.7)" (2007)
Evelyn: [Jake is complaining about having fruit for breakfast] Oh, well, I'm sorry sweetheart. If I'd known you were coming, I'd have stocked up on crap.
Jake Harper: Well, maybe we can go crap shopping later.


"Two and a Half Men: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell (#1.3)" (2003)
Evelyn Harper: Too late, I'm not speaking to you.
Charlie: Alright.
Evelyn Harper: Would you like to know why?
Charlie: No. I trust your judgment.


"Two and a Half Men: Taterhead Is Our Love Child (#6.1)" (2008)
Evelyn Harper: Oh sweetheart, take it from me, spending time with one's children is greatly overrated.