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Quotes for
Berta (Character)
from "Two and a Half Men" (2003)

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"Two and a Half Men: Walnuts and Demerol (#4.11)" (2006)
Evelyn: Do you trust me?
Alan Harper, Berta, Charlie Harper, Rose: No!
Evelyn: Okay, but you know I have your best interest at heart. Don't you?
Alan Harper, Berta, Charlie Harper, Rose: NO!

Berta: [brings in eggnog] Here we go, more fuel for the fire.
Charlie Harper: You said you were going home!
Berta: Well, that was before I knew you were having a party.
Charlie Harper: This isn't a party! It's just a bunch of people I don't like standing around drinking my booze... Oh, crap, it is a party.

Berta: Hey, I'm mixing up the eggnog! You want this broad lit up, or just slightly glowing?
Charlie Harper: Well let's see. We're celebrating peace on earth and goodwill towards all mankind. So let's get her ploughed!
Berta: Hallelujah!

[Charlie takes Gloria upstairs]
Berta: Aw, ain't that sweet? Every time a guy has sex, an angel gets a stiffy!

Rose: Charlie found his boundary.
Berta: It's a miracle!
Rose: A Christmas miracle!

Berta: Wow. A third-act twist.


"Two and a Half Men: Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs (#3.4)" (2005)
Berta: Trust me. You want me to have a room with a private crapper.

Charlie Harper: [slowly making his way down the steps] Never again! Never, ever, ever again!
Berta: You gonna quit drinking?
Charlie Harper: Don't be ridiculous! I'm gonna quit waking up.

Charlie Harper: Don't be silly. You're like family!
Berta: Yeah, well I've seen how you treat family.

Berta: [to Alan] It's a shame. You paid all that money for an ex-wife, and an ex-wife's house... and you're not allowed inside either one.

Berta: Well, I spend most of my days looking at dirty toilets, and those Rorschach tests you call bed sheets.


"Two and a Half Men: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head (#4.7)" (2006)
Berta: Charlie, Alan, I'd like you to meet my youngest daughter, Naomi, the light of my life. A little angel who swooped down from heaven and landed on a married man's penis.

Charlie Harper: [Driving in a dangerous neighborhood] Oh God. I think I hit a dog.
Berta: Don't worry it's just a rat. He's OK, he's getting up.

Berta: [about her pregnant daughter] If she spent more time on her knees than her back she wount be in this situation.
Charlie Harper: Not necessarily.

Berta: Zippy!


"Two and a Half Men: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami (#4.14)" (2007)
Berta: Hey Charlie! Who do I work for? You? Or that fastidious parasite you call a brother?

Berta: [to Charlie] That was some fall you took.
Charlie Harper: Yea. If I hadn't been plastered, it might have killed me.
Berta: You think the liquer industry would promote that.
Charlie Harper: It *is* a selling point; right up there with making ugly people do-able.

Berta: Walk me through this again. She's beautiful, rich, divorced, and you want to hand her off to Zippy-the-Chimp?
[talking about Alan]
Charlie Harper: Ok, follow my reasoning here. This is a woman looking to settle down. If *I* sleep with her, I'm happy for one night. But, if I teach my *brother* to sleep with her, he falls in love, asks her to marry him, moves out, and I'm happy for the *rest* of my life.

Berta: She saw him for the mindless meat-seeking missle that he is.


"Two and a Half Men: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (#5.1)" (2007)
Charlie Harper: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips, and love in my heart.
Charlie Harper: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
Charlie Harper: Yeah, well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap, 'cause it's all red and itchy, especially right around...
Alan Harper: Excuse me! I'm sitting here eating a breakfast sausage.
Charlie Harper: It's not a sausage problem. It's more in the meatball area. Kinda meatball-adjacent.

Jake Harper: I bet it's swamp ass.
Charlie Harper: What's swamp ass?
Berta: Don't worry. You'd know if you had swamp ass.
Jake Harper: Man, I hate swamp ass.

Berta: Make friends with the janitor. They usually have their own bathroom.
Jake Harper: OK.
Berta: Just never drink out of his Thermos.
Jake Harper: All right.
Berta: And don't believe him if he tells you he loves you. Damn it, I miss that one-eyed son-of-a-bitch!


"Two and a Half Men: Hi, Mr. Horned One (#3.6)" (2005)
Alan Harper: [to Berta, as Isabella walks out] What are you doing?
Berta: [hastily putting on jacket] Leaving!
Alan Harper: Why?
Berta: Did you see that bitch? You've got to put a whole lot of gone between you and a broad like that!

Berta: [to Alan about his inflamed eye] Looks like you got bit in the face by one of them ebola monkeys!... I mean, you weren't exactly eye-candy going in, but now... Wuff! You could scare the flys off a manure truck.

Berta: Hey Vampira. Tell Count Humpula to get out of bed so I can change his sheets.


"Two and a Half Men: Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? (#2.16)" (2005)
Berta: I'm going home.
Charlie Harper: I suppose you want me to pay you.
Berta: Not necessary. I took the money out of your wallet.
Charlie Harper: Fine
Berta: Guess what! I got a raise.
Charlie Harper: Congratulations.
Berta: You want to know why I got a raise?
Charlie Harper: No. I'm sure I had my reasons.
Berta: Because, when I took this job, all I had to do was clean up after you. And while that may have been disgusting, it was do-able. And then your brother moved in, which I accepted with my usual good humor. Because he cleans up after himself like a... neurotic raccoon.
Charlie Harper: This is about the kid, right?
Berta: Good for you! That's why you're the boss.
Charlie Harper: He's just here for a week. It's a temporary situation.
Berta: And yet my raise is permanent.

Berta: [to Alan and Charlie] Show of hands... Who spent their day pre-soaking the shorts of a kid who leaves more skid marks than a get-away car?

Berta: [to Alan and Charlie] Now if you ladies will excuse me, I have three busses to catch.
Charlie Harper: [as soon as Berta leaves] I'll bet she catches 'em by hand.


"Two and a Half Men: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous (#4.21)" (2007)
Charlie Harper: Bertha, how long have you been working for me?
Berta: Define working.

Berta: The world is a much happier place once you figure out whether you're the pin or the cushion.

Berta: Alright, don't get your panties in a bunch.
Charlie Harper: What the hell's that supposed to mean?
Berta: It means, don't get so agitated that your undergarments become entangled within your crack.


"Two and a Half Men: Apologies for the Frivolity (#4.6)" (2006)
Berta: Choose your words carefully, Slim.
Lydia: Slim? Why thank you, I watch what I eat.
Berta: Going in or coming out?

Berta: Boy, I'm glad I stopped coming to work high.

Charlie Harper: What?
Berta: [to Jake] And they call you slow.
Alan Harper: You're kidding, right? You don't see it?
Charlie Harper: See what?
Alan Harper: Lydia and Mom?
Alan Harper: What about them?
Berta: Come on Charlie. The only difference between those two broads is you came out of one and -
[Charlie cuts her off]


"Two and a Half Men: Santa's Village of the Damned (#3.11)" (2005)
Berta: So, which one of you is slipping the high hard one to Martha Stewart?

Sandy: I find just a couple of drops of lemon juice on the dryer sheet really freshens up the whole load.
Berta: Really? I find just a couple of Valiums in my coffee keeps me from snapping necks.


"Two and a Half Men: Frodo's Headshots (#9.9)" (2011)
Alan Harper: [after Berta laughing out loud] What's funny?
Berta: From where you're standing? Nothing.

Alan Harper: [screaming] Hey, hey! I'm still here! I mean, how... how could you do this? How could you have an affair while I'm locked in the booby hatch!
Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic?
Alan Harper: [screaming even louder] Everybody knows what it was! I lost my freaking mind! But, luckily, now I'm better! So I have the tools to cope with whatever life throws at me!


"Two and a Half Men: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (#4.20)" (2007)
Berta: [to Charlie] What is it you always say about going to a wedding with a woman you're sleeping with... You say, and I quote, "Better I should light myself on fire, and run through a meth-lab".

Berta: [to Charlie] I know you. Myra's not one of your handi-wipes in high heels that you can just throw out after you... wipe your handi.
Charlie Harper: Yeah, well, you don't know what you're talking about, because this relationship is not based on sex.
Berta: Not based on sex? Well, unless she sweats bourbon and farts hundred dollar bill, what exactly is going to keep you together?


"Two and a Half Men: Bad News from the Clinic (#2.5)" (2004)
Berta: Alan. Got a riddle for you. What's short, sticky, picky, and only supposed to be here on the weekends? I'll give you a hint; it's your kid.

Berta: How in the hell do you meditate when someone's squirtin' water up your business?


"Two and a Half Men: Nine Magic Fingers (#9.4)" (2011)
Walden Schmidt: He's gonna move out at some point, right?
Berta: [touching his face] You are SO cute!

Baker: Well hello, little girl.
Berta: Hi, big daddy. You get everything?
Baker: Hell yeah. Beer, bucket of drumsticks, and nine magic fingers!
Berta: Let's go!
[both Berta and Baker start for the bedroom]
Walden Schmidt: Uh, Berta? What's going on?
Berta: What's it look like? I'm going to get drunk, eat some chicken, and rock this old man's world!
Walden Schmidt: [to himself] I've got ten fingers and a billion dollars, and this guy's getting more action than me!


"Two and a Half Men: Thank God for Scoliosis (#6.12)" (2009)
Berta: [describing Alan's receptionist Melissa] Tinkerbell with some knockers.

Berta: Well, everybody makes that mistake once. I crossed that line in the '70s when I was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas.
Charlie Harper: You're kidding. TV's Kojak?
Berta: One and the same.
Charlie Harper: What happened?
Berta: What do you think happened? He's Greek, a man of passion. You can't tie your shoes around those guys.
Charlie Harper: That's rough.
Berta: You bet your ass it's rough.
[Alan walks in]
Alan Harper: Morning.
Charlie Harper: Morning.
Berta: So, Zippy. I hear you've been sinking your putts on the company golf course.
Alan Harper: Thanks for telling her.
Charlie Harper: Thanks for telling me.
Berta: Word of advice: It may seem like fun and games at the beginning, but mark my words. Sooner or later, you're gonna wake up with a broken heart and a lollipop stuck to your keister.


"Two and a Half Men: Does This Smell Funny to You (#2.24)" (2005)
Alan Harper: Norman, this is Berta.
Norman: Hello.
Berta: What is this, a fix-up?
Alan Harper: No, uh, nothing like that.
Berta: That's good, because I'd probably kill him.
[to Norman]
Berta: Nothing personal cottontop, I just kinda like it rough.
Alan Harper: [to Norman] Have another cookie.
Berta: So is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?
Alan Harper: Well, it's a little complicated. Charlie -
[Berta cuts him off]
Berta: Got it.

Berta: You got a gun?
Norman: No!
Berta: Want one?
Alan Harper: Berta!
Berta: I'm making small talk.


"Two and a Half Men: My Tongue Is Meat (#3.15)" (2006)
Berta: [about Charlie's behavior around Mia] Considerate?
Charlie Harper: Yeah, see, I love Mia, and I want her to be happy, and I happen to know she's not happy when I smoke cigars, and drink and gamble and stay out all night and eat meat and sugar and grease and fat and nap and swear and wear shorts, bowling shirts...
Berta: Charlie, you ain't just whipped, you're roped, saddled, and gelded. They could use you to give rides at kids' birthday parties.

Berta: [to Charlie] How do you feel about taking a whore's bath with a hunk of blue cheese?


"Two and a Half Men: Camel Filters and Pheromones (#1.12)" (2004)
Berta: [speaking of her granddaughter who is spending the day with her] She's playing with Jake.
Alan Harper: Oh good! A little playmate for Jake. That'll give him something to do for today.
Charlie Harper: I just hope they're quiet, 'cause I've got a lot of work to do.
Prudence: [entering, wearing a skimpy top and skimpier hip-hugger jean shorts] Nana, did you throw out my cigarettes again?
Alan Harper: [simultaneously with Charlie] Dear God!
Charlie Harper: [simultaneously with Alan] Oh Hell!

Prudence: Hi Alan. What kind of car do you drive?
Alan Harper: Uh - uh, a Volvo station wagon.
Prudence: [to Charlie] What do you got?
Charlie Harper: [hurriedly] I got nothing. Not a damn thing!
Jake Harper: [Jake enters] Hey Prudence, I set up my X-box. You ready to play?
Prudence: Sure!
Berta: [from off screen] Get to work Prudence!
Prudence: Maybe later, handsome.
[under her breath]
Prudence: Stupid old woman.
Jake Harper: Isn't she wonderful?
Alan Harper: [simultaneously with Charlie] Dear God!
Charlie Harper: [simultaneously with Alan] Oh Hell!


"Two and a Half Men: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (#3.2)" (2005)
Berta: [about Charlie] You gotta wonder how long he can keep burning that penis at both ends.

Berta: [large chested, scary housekeeper, sternly talks to Jake] So. You like making fun of girls with big boobs.
Jake Harper: [looking pale] Not any more.


"Two and a Half Men: Golly Moses, She's a Muffin (#3.19)" (2006)
Berta: Well, you know what they say. Early to bed, early to rise, makes a man healthy, wealthy, and can't get laid huh?
Charlie Harper: Maybe I'm not trying.
Berta: Yeah, and look for me next month on the cover of Maxim. I'll have nothing on but the vacuum.

Charlie Harper: Isn't there something you could be doing?
Berta: Well...
[turns to look at Kandi]
Berta: I could go rub some oil on her, but I don't trust myself.
Charlie Harper: Berta, please don't take this the wrong way, but it's been a long time for me... and you're starting to turn me on.
Berta: I'm outta here.
Kandi: Hi Berta!
Berta: Hey baby.


"Two and a Half Men: Kissing Abraham Lincoln (#4.10)" (2006)
Lydia: Oh Charlie, I almost forgot. I'm serving hors d'oeuvres for an open house tomorrow, so I'll need to borrow Berta for a couple of hours.
Berta: Say what?
Lydia: [to Berta] I'm talking to Charlie. You don't mind, do you?
Charlie Harper: Mind? Well, uh...
Berta: You want to borrow me? What am I, a carpet steamer?
Lydia: I'm not saying I won't pay you, plus you can take home all the leftovers.
Berta: Oh gee, why don't you just toss 'em in a big bowl and I'll eat 'em out in the yard?
Lydia: Well, that's a little uncalled for. I thought I was doing you a favor.
Berta: You wanna do me a favor? You take the money you were going to pay me, convert them into rolls of nickels, then bend over and -
[Charlie cuts her off]

Berta: I don't mind your girlfriends throwing an occasional thong or panties into the hamper, I just boil them and sell them at the swap meet. But this broad is taking advantage of my easygoing nature.
Charlie Harper: Now to be fair, Lydia does have her positive attributes.
Berta: Well, I ain't hitting any of them attributes, so I don't give a rat's ass.
Charlie Harper: All right, all right.
Berta: You know what she said to me, Charlie? She said I need to know my place around here.
Charlie Harper: Oh she didn't.
Berta: Ah, but she did. Is that true, Charlie? Do I need to know my place around here?
Charlie Harper: No Berta, we all know your place.
Berta: And where is that place Charlie?
Charlie Harper: Wherever you want it to be.
Berta: There is only room for one alpha dog in this house.
Charlie Harper: I know.
Berta: And who is that alpha dog, Charlie?
Charlie Harper: You are.
Berta: Say it.
Charlie Harper: You're the alpha dog.
Berta: Aw, you sweet talker you.
[she kisses Charlie on the cheek, looks down and picks up her basket]
Berta: We'll just pretend that's morning wood.


"Two and a Half Men: An Old Flame with a New Wick (#1.18)" (2004)
Berta: Nothing exciting happening in your world, Charlie?
Charlie Harper: Like what?
Berta: Oh... I don't know. Go to a fun party, see a great movie, run into an old flame with a new wick?

Berta: [wants to tell Evelyn that the man Evelyn slept with, Bill, used to be a woman] I will clean your house *free* for a month, if you let me do it.


"Two and a Half Men: Mr. Hose Says 'Yes' (#9.21)" (2012)
Walden Schmidt: I just wanted to give you a heads-up that Zoey's gonna stay here for the week.
Berta: [reading a magazine] Uh, huh.
Walden Schmidt: And she's bringin' her daughter.
Berta: How old?
Walden Schmidt: Seven.
Berta: See ya in a week.
[she gets up to leave]
Walden Schmidt: Come on, Berta, you'll love her. She's adorable.
Berta: Maybe to her mother. And someone who's trying to get into her mother's pants.
Walden Schmidt: A'right, look, it's not going to be any extra work for you. Whatever Zoey doesn't take care of, I'll handle.
Berta: Really! You're gonna take care of a seven-year-old!
Walden Schmidt: Yeah. We get along great. And besides, I gotta learn sometime. I mean, if Zoey and I get married, I'll be Ava's step-dad.
Berta: Y'know, once upon a time, a cute little boy came to live in this house for a few days. Maybe you've met him. He's the pot-soaked, masturbating couch potato who eats all your cookies.
Walden Schmidt: Is he the one who finished off my macaroons?
Berta: Your macaroons and my pot.

Walden Schmidt: [realizing that having a child around the house will be unbearable] I told Zoey we were gonna be a family. What am I gonna do?
Berta: The kid's seven?
Walden Schmidt: Yeah.
Berta: Wait nine years.
Walden Schmidt: What happens in nine years?
Berta: If you're lucky, she runs away with a coke-addled bass player.
Walden Schmidt: And if I'm not lucky?
Berta: A drummer.


"Two and a Half Men: Winky-Dink Time (#5.14)" (2008)
Berta: So, Zippy's getting a hooker?
Charlie Harper: It would appear so.
Berta: Talk about earning your money.


"Two and a Half Men: Twanging Your Magic Clanger (#8.6)" (2010)
Berta: [after walking in on Alan masturbating] Ah jeez, zippy! What are you doing with the pudding?


"Two and a Half Men: The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? (#6.17)" (2009)
Berta: I once loved a guy who didn't love me back.
Charlie: What'd you do?
Berta: Ninety days in county. Plus anger management classes. Which are abso-frickin'-lutely a waste of time.


"Two and a Half Men: Working for Caligula (#4.1)" (2006)
Charlie Harper: All right, I was hoping I wouldn't have to do this but desperate times call for desperate measures
[goes to the phone]
Berta: What are you going to do?
Charlie Harper: Something I hoped I'd never have to do.
Rose: You don't mean...
Charlie Harper: Afraid so... Hello? Mom.


"Two and a Half Men: Thank You for the Intercourse (#9.8)" (2011)
Berta: [about Melanie and her dog] Which one did you tap?
Alan Harper: I'll give you a hint. I didn't do the dog peoplestyle.


"Two and a Half Men: The Two Finger Rule (#6.19)" (2009)
Alan Harper: [to Chelsea, who is leaving] Don't go!
Charlie Harper: [to Melissa over the phone] Don't hang up!
Alan Harper, Charlie Harper: I love you!
[Both look at each other]
Berta: And I love you too.


"Two and a Half Men: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie (#6.14)" (2009)
Melissa: All right. Well, now that we're all here, why don't we take turns saying something about Alan and how much he means to us. Oh, okay, Jake, you want to start ?
Jake Harper: No, I got to go make room for cake.
Melissa: All right. Uh, Berta! Why don't you get the ball rolling.
Berta: Sure. What the hell. Zippy, I got to tell you, when you first moved in, I didn't really care for you. You were a persnickety, self-righteous, smug son-of-a-bitch. And now, here we are, six years later. Thank you.


"Two and a Half Men: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls (#2.2)" (2004)
Berta: [about Charlie] Was he breastfed?
Evelyn Harper: Of course he was. Not by me, personally.


"Two and a Half Men: Damn You, Eggs Benedict (#6.3)" (2008)
Charlie Harper: [making breakfast] How do you like your eggs?
Berta: Sunny side up.
Charlie Harper: Scrambled it is.
Berta: [picks up a cookbook] "Cooking for Dummies"?
Charlie Harper: [to Jake watching TV on the couch] No offense, Jake. I'm actually cookin' for everybody.
Berta: What brought this on?
Charlie Harper: I don't know. I... thought I'd expand my horizons a bit.
Berta: [smiles] Uh-huh
Charlie Harper: What?
Berta: I'm just trying to figure out how scrambled eggs are gonna get you laid.
Charlie Harper: You and me both.
Charlie Harper, Berta: [both laugh]


"Two and a Half Men: Pinocchio's Mouth (#6.8)" (2008)
Alan Harper: Berta...
Berta: Sorry, I'm just remembering my prom.
Alan Harper: [to Jake] So what happened?
Berta: Well, I was working near the high school that night, and I thought it would be fun to drive the backhoe...
Alan Harper: Not you.
[Pointing to Jake]
Alan Harper: Him.
Berta: Well. Excuse me for sharing.


"Two and a Half Men: It's Always Nazi Week (#6.6)" (2008)
Berta: [Walking up to him while he reads a paper with his back turned to her] Charlie, you and me gotta have a conversation!
[Without looking at her, he hands her 2 $100 bills. She takes them and looks at them]
Berta: Nice talking to you.


"Two and a Half Men: Smell the Umbrella Stand (#2.15)" (2005)
Charlie Harper: [to Alan] You know what? You need to get your mind off this colonoscopy.
Berta: Come on, get in there you sucker!


"Two and a Half Men: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt (#9.1)" (2011)
Walden Schmidt: I'm Walden.
Berta: I'm impressed!


"Two and a Half Men: Gumby with a Pokey (#7.21)" (2010)
[Charlie and Berta are high on medical marijuana]
Charlie Harper: Wait, wait, wait.
Berta: What?
Charlie Harper: I love you, Berta.
Berta: I love you too, Charlie. Gimme a thousand dollars.
Charlie Harper: Why?
Berta: Well if you have to ask, you don't really love me.


"Two and a Half Men: Ergo, the Booty Call (#3.16)" (2006)
[during his birthday party, Jake locks himself in the bathroom after taking Viagra that he mistook for a vitamin, and refuses to come out; some of the adults catch on as to why]
Judith Harper: What's going on? I don't understand.
Berta: The kid's gonna need another party hat.


"Two and a Half Men: Madame and Her Special Friend (#3.9)" (2005)
Charlie: Are you going home?
Berta: No, the opera, they can't finish until I sing.


"Two and a Half Men: You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For (#10.4)" (2012)
Berta: [after first meeting Missi] That, my friends, is what you get when hillbillies have unprotected sex with hummingbirds.


"Two and a Half Men: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark (#1.20)" (2004)
Berta: [about Jake] Did you check to see if he's constipated?
Alan Harper: Berta, his mother and I are going through a divorce, and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.
Berta: Maybe so, but there's also a lot of string cheese he hasn't processed.


"Two and a Half Men: A Giant Cat Holding a Churro (#9.5)" (2011)
Walden Schmidt: Man, it is hard when the person you love, doesn't love you back.
Berta: You don't have to love me.
Walden Schmidt: What?
Berta: Oh, you heard me, Mr. Masterbaker.


"Two and a Half Men: Young People Have Phlegm Too (#4.16)" (2007)
Alan Harper: [Charlie is passed out sitting at the kitchen table] Oh God. Look what the cat dragged in.
Berta: He didn't just drag it; he ate it, pooped it out, and then covered it with sand.


"Two and a Half Men: Humiliation Is a Visual Medium (#3.13)" (2006)
Berta: [about Charlie] I give him another week before he's out on the beach humping wet sand.


"Two and a Half Men: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste (#7.12)" (2010)
Charlie Harper: Hey, Bertha. Get me a beer, will ya?
Berta: Jake, get your uncle a beer.
Jake Harper: Let him get his own beer.
Berta: Sorry, Charlie. I tried.


"Two and a Half Men: The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress (#4.3)" (2006)
Berta: [to Evelyn] Man, the last time I seen a mouth like that, it was trying to eat Jacques Cousteau.


"Two and a Half Men: People Who Love Peepholes (#9.2)" (2011)
Berta: I could bite that ass like an apple.


"Two and a Half Men: The Salmon Under My Sweater (#2.10)" (2004)
Alan Harper: But the truth is, you and I see each other every day, and we really don't know much about each other.
Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this gruff exterior; whether somewhere inside me, there's a tiny little girl who once dreamed of being a famous ballerina?
Alan Harper: Is there?
Berta: If there is, it's because I accidentally ate one, and haven't passed her yet... Let me tell you, I am dreading that tiara.


"Two and a Half Men: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers (#2.8)" (2004)
Berta: Well, gadzooks! Zippy's getting his freak on.
Charlie Harper: Yeh, it seems we're living in an age of miracles.
Berta: I guess if they can put a man on the moon, they can put a woman on your brother. Who's the girl ?
Charlie Harper: I don't know. He met her at the supermarket. Helped her pick out corn.
Berta: Corn ?
[Charlie shrugs]
Berta: Huh. Well, I'm not in any position to judge. I once did a guy for a tank of gas.


"Two and a Half Men: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana (#2.7)" (2004)
Berta: Relatives, huh. Can't live with them; can't turn them in for the reward.


"Two and a Half Men: That Voodoo That I Do Do (#3.8)" (2005)
Alan Harper: [about Charlie] Why - why do you enable his bahavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit, that made this country great! He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come, when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there, and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well... I don't want to live in that America!
Berta: [starts singing as she leaves the kitchen] "Oh beautiful, for spacious skys, for amber waves of grain... "


"Two and a Half Men: Help Daddy Find His Toenail (#5.6)" (2007)
Berta: Who's he listening to?
Jake Harper: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: They're good, it reminds me of the early Who.
Jake Harper: Who?
Berta: Yeah.
Jake Harper: What?
Berta: Band called Who.
Jake Harper: Bucket of Hate.
Berta: Huh, and I work for your family.


"Two and a Half Men: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop (#3.7)" (2005)
Berta: [Berta tops off her coffee with rum, takes a swig out of the bottle and smacks her lips] Mmmm... that's good coffee.
Alan Harper: Good morning.
Berta: It's getting there.


"Two and a Half Men: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro (#3.20)" (2006)
Berta: How do you know Kandi?
Mandi: She's my daughter.
Berta: Your daughter? Sweet whistling Geronimo, you people are like a box of hamsters just crawling all over each other.
Alan Harper: Yes, well, we all get how this looks, Berta.
Berta: Hey I'm not knocking it, I'm just wondering when some of that gravy's going to spill over on my tables.


"Two and a Half Men: Just Like Buffalo (#1.23)" (2004)
Charlie Harper: There's no pancakes, Rose.
Alan Harper: Because Jake's not here.
Berta: Cause Charlie's an idiot.
Rose: Oh, why? I mean why is Jake not here? Not why is Charlie an idiot.
Alan Harper: Because we *know* that.


"Two and a Half Men: Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room (#5.7)" (2007)
Charlie Harper: I don't pay you to mock me.
Berta: Charlie, you'd have to pay me not to.


"Two and a Half Men: I Scream When I Pee (#10.9)" (2012)
Walden Schmidt: Happy birthday!
[shows Berta a brand new Chevrolet Camaro in her driveway]
Berta: Sweet Georgia Brown! You better not be screwing with me.
Walden Schmidt: No. You always said it was your dream car, and today your dream's come true.
[gives her the key to the car]
Berta: Oh! C'mere, you big old talking taco!
[wraps Walden in a bear hug]
Walden Schmidt: Oh, oh... there's one condition.
Berta: Okay. You wanna do it in the house or on the hood of the car?
Walden Schmidt: No.
[voice lowers]
Walden Schmidt: Alan can never find out about this.
Lyndsey Mackelroy: [cut to Lyndsey and Kandi in bed] Alan can never find out about this.


"Two and a Half Men: City of Great Racks (#5.4)" (2007)
Berta: [speaking of Rose] Of all the bare-asses that have come through these halls, she's the one that got to you.
Charlie Harper: Yeah, she got to me all right. She put a sleeping pill in my scotch and glued my testicles to my leg.
Berta: You still can't get past that.


"Two and a Half Men: Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 & 2 (#12.15)" (2015)
Berta: Looks like somebody's having a piano delivered by helicopter.
Alan Harper: That's the kind of extravagant thing Charlie would do. Oh, and he had a baby grand just like that.
[last lines]
Walden Schmidt: It's headed right this way... You don't think it's possible that the cops got the wrong guy do you?
Berta: [same time as Alan] Nah!
Alan Harper: [same time as Berta] Nah!


"Two and a Half Men: Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam! (#2.17)" (2005)
Charlie Harper: [Charlie's in great pain after throwing his back out, and initially asks Alan to help him] New plan. I need someone who can give me drugs.
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls.
Alan Harper: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie Harper: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it, let it fight crime... I just want it to go away!