Balki Bartokomous
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Quotes for
Balki Bartokomous (Character)
from "Perfect Strangers" (1986)

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"Perfect Strangers: Dog Gone Blues (#2.12)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: Balki, I don't think living in an apartment is good for Suprides. He's cooped up all day... he can't get out... he can't meet other dogs... he can't date...
Balki Bartokomous: But we don't date and we're okay.

Balki Bartokomous: Search to your heart's contempt!

Balki Bartokomous: In a week, this will all seem second nature.
Larry Appleton: In a month, it will be third nature!

Larry Appleton: Spot was smart as a whip
Balki Bartokomous: Well, my little puppy dog Couscous was smart as two whips. In the morning he used to bring me my sandals.
Larry Appleton: When Spot fetched the paper he used to bring us each the section we wanted.
Balki Bartokomous: When we wanted news, Couscous used to drag home the village gossip.
Larry Appleton: Spot could read the paper.
Balki Bartokomous: Couscous could play the mandolin!
Larry Appleton: Spot did my taxes.
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, Bullwinkle!

Balki Bartokomous: I can train him. I'm good at that. I'm a sheepherder. Of course, you can't train a sheep, they're dumb as a rock.

Balki Bartokomous: And we teach him to fetch... and catch... and... and we teach him to save children from the burning building just like Lousy!

Larry Appleton: Balki? Did I miss something? When I left this morning I didn't own half a dog.
Balki Bartokomous: Well, you're a richer man today!

Balki Bartokomous: [speaking of the dog he brought home] His name is Suprides.
Larry Appleton: Suprides?
Balki Bartokomous: Very good.
Larry Appleton: Well, that's a very pretty name. What does it mean?
Balki Bartokomous: It means 'dog'.
Larry Appleton: It means 'dog'?
Balki Bartokomous: Well, of course it does. Don't be ridiculous. What did you think I'd call him? Table?

Balki Bartokomous: Why did you make me eat dog food?

Balki Bartokomous: Mr. Twinkacetti is coming!
Larry Appleton: Don't panic! Code red!

Mr. Donald "Twinkie" Twinkacetti: Your 'girlfriend' seems to have disappeared.
Balki Bartokomous: She's very shy. She probably jumped out the window.

"Perfect Strangers: Falling in Love Is... (#2.7)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: [crying] I am never... going to fall in love again.
Larry Appleton: Sure you will...
Balki Bartokomous: No I won't! I don't want to, it hurts too much!
Larry Appleton: Hey, hey... I know it hurts... but Carol was just not the right girl for you, she wasn't good enough for you. And somewhere out there is, uh... is somebody who's right for you... somebody who's worthy to wear your nana's brooch. And you'll fall in love with her and she'll fall in love with you and... and you'll forget about all the Carols in this world.

Balki Bartokomous: You tricked Balki!
Larry Appleton: You're darn right I tricked Balki!

Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, I want you to like her better because tonight the last class and after we hand in our term paper I'm going to pop the question.
Larry Appleton: What? Balki, you're going to ask her to marry you?
Balki Bartokomous: Well, of course not, don't be ridiculous," Balki says, "I'm going to 'pop the question
Larry Appleton: That's what 'pop the question' means.
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, then I'm not gonna do that!

Larry Appleton: Carol is using you to do her work and when the class is over she won't remember your name.
Balki Bartokomous: Wait a minute. Are you saying that Carol is using me to do her work and that when the class is over she won't remember my name?
Larry Appleton: Yes

Balki Bartokomous: Tell me something I don't know!

Balki Bartokomous: Oh po po!

Balki Bartokomous: Wax lips, let's party!

Larry Appleton: Balki, when a woman says she's too busy, it's her way of putting you off. And when she says she's getting a new phone, she has no intention of giving you the number. And Jack's place is not the name of a building. It's Jack's... place.
Balki Bartokomous: But Cousin, she don't say any of those things.
Larry Appleton: Not in those words, but that's what she meant.
Balki Bartokomous: Why are you doing this again? Why can't you just be happy for me? What you are saying is no true!
Larry Appleton: Balki, if you don't believe me, then just call her yourself.

Balki Bartokomous: Jack is, is... is not her brother. I made a fool of myself. You tried to warn me, and I wouldn't listen.
Larry Appleton: Hey, you fell in love, there's nothing wrong with that. Sometimes when you're in love you... you can't think straight. Take my word for it, the pain will go away.
Balki Bartokomous: When?
Larry Appleton: Well, not for a long, long time. But it will go away.

"Perfect Strangers: Weigh to Go Buddy (#3.2)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: Balki, I thought you were out collecting clothes for the poor?
Balki Bartokomous: Well cousin, I was. Look how generous people were. They give me their pants off their backs.

Balki Bartokomous: I don't care! I wash my feet of the whole business!

Balki Bartokomous: [referring to the junk food Larry has hidden around the apartment] You have made our living room into a 7-11!

Balki Bartokomous: You know, I can always tell when you're lying because you say everything twice.
Larry Appleton: I'm not lying... I am *not* lying!

Larry Appleton: What did you just do to me?
Balki Bartokomous: I just performed the Mypos Ritual of Promise.
Larry Appleton: Am I still a Presbyterian?

Balki Bartokomous: Look how generous people were. They give me the pants off their backs!

Larry Appleton: The Mypos Diet, please! A country whose King weighs three hundred pounds?
Balki Bartokomous: He has a gland problem.
Larry Appleton: Balki, you told me he holds the world record for eating jelly donuts!
Balki Bartokomous: He's also very competitive.

Larry Appleton: This is my high school chorus jacket! Got a lot of memories in this jacket.
[puts on jacket and finds he can't button it]
Balki Bartokomous: Maybe you should take some of the memories out of the jacket.

"Perfect Strangers: Beautiful Dreamer (#2.15)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: I have a friend who can't sleep. There's nothing wrong with him is there?
Larry Appleton: Balki, are you having trouble sleeping?
Balki Bartokomous: Well of course I'm not, don't be ridiculous, it's my friend, my best friend.
Larry Appleton: *I'm* your best friend.
Balki Bartokomous: That's a good point, a very good point.

Larry Appleton: What you have got is a classic case of insomnia.
Balki Bartokomous: Oh no! I knew it was something terrible! Okay, give it to me straight. How long have I got?
Larry Appleton: Fifty or sixty years
Balki Bartokomous: [crying] Fifty or sixty years! Oh my God... a slow death!

Balki Bartokomous: [Larry wakes up Balki who is sleeping on a table] Remember when you told me that my body would tell me when it's time to sleep? Well, it's talking to me like crazy!
[drifts back off to sleep]
Larry Appleton: Balki, Balki, don't listen to your body, listen to your buddy.

Larry Appleton: In college we had an exercise when we went back into the dream state.
Balki Bartokomous: Would that be New Jersey?
Larry Appleton: [calmly] No... no... that's the *Garden* State.

Balki Bartokomous: Before I talk about that dream again it'll be a cold day in December!

Balki Bartokomous: Sheep are man's best friend!

Larry Appleton: [hearing that Mypos only has one phone] One phone?
Balki Bartokomous: Well, yes, but it has call waiting!

"Perfect Strangers: A Christmas Story (#2.11)" (1986)
Mrs. Edwina Twinkacetti: [singing] Seven swans a swimming...
Mary Anne: Six geese a laying...
Balki Bartokomous: Five onion rings!

Balki Bartokomous: Boy! A Christmas bonus! I can always use another envelope.

Balki Bartokomous: You know what I can't understand? Why do American decorate trees instead of turtles?
Larry Appleton: Well, one good reason is a tree won't slowly crawl out of the living room.
Balki Bartokomous: That's what the Christmas lettuce is for.

Balki Bartokomous: [stunned after receiving a passionate kiss from Mary Ann] How did you make that happen?
Larry Appleton: Mistletoe. It's an old tradition. You hang it over the door and women *have* to kiss you.
Balki Bartokomous: What a gimmick! Why don't we hang it up all year long?
Larry Appleton: Unfortunately, it only works at Christmas.
Balki Bartokomous: Then I'm takin' it with us!

Balki Bartokomous: On Dancer, on Prancer and on Donna Dixon! On Comet, on Cupid, on Reagan, on Nixon!

Balki Bartokomous: I am busting my buttocks trying to make a nice Christmas for you... and all I get is bah hamburger. You're acting just like Ebenezer Stooge. I'm sorry you can't have Christmas at home with your family. What about me? You think I don't miss Christmas on Mypos with my family? Passing the Christmas bota bag... roasting radishes over an open fire.

Balki Bartokomous: Happy birthday.
[seeing Larry's confused look]
Balki Bartokomous: That's what we say on Mypos... because Christmas is not just Christmas turtles and presents it's also the birthday of baby Jesus.
Larry Appleton: Yeah, I guess I... forgot that, too.
Balki Bartokomous: Well, the sheepherders never forget it. We were the first ones to get the news, you know.

"Perfect Strangers: Sexual Harassment in Chicago (#3.3)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: What's going on here?
Balki Bartokomous: Are you blind?

Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, don't think I don't appreciate it because I do! And the future woman of my dreams thanks you, too! Because thanks to you she be able to spend her wedding night the way it was meant to be... with a husband who has absolutely no idea of what he's doing.

Balki Bartokomous: When do you think Olivia will hit the fan?

Balki Bartokomous: She's all over me like a wet T-shirt!

Balki Bartokomous: When you're alone with a woman and she say that she want to come over to your house to see your tapestry, does that mean what I think it means?
Larry Appleton: Welllll... could mean she's just interested in tapestries.
Balki Bartokomous: Okay... what about if you're alone with a woman and she kiss you so hard that your eyeballs roll back up into your head?
Larry Appleton: That means what you think it means.

Larry Appleton: [telling Balki about his idea for an article on neigborhoods losing their ethnic character] What do you think... Is Chicago Disappearing?"
Balki Bartokomous: Well, I... I don't know. When you work in a basement you miss so much.

Olivia Crawford: Ah, from the Mediterranean, right?
Balki Bartokomous: Well, actually you go to the Mediterranean and turn left.
Olivia Crawford: Well of course you do. With a face like that you can turn any way you want!

"Perfect Strangers: My Lips Are Sealed (#3.13)" (1988)
Balki Bartokomous: That would be such a big load off my spine!

Balki Bartokomous: Why don't we just quit beating around George Bush and get on with this?

Balki Bartokomous: I can't forget that I have a code!
Larry Appleton: Balki, this is the eighties! Nobody lives by a code any more! Just look at the guys who are running for President!

Lou Miller: [to Larry] Are you interested in this car?
Balki Bartokomous: Are you kidding? Is he interested in this car? Does a Mypiot spit in the woods?

Larry Appleton: Balki, your job gives you access to a lot of confidential information and it's your responsibility to keep that information to yourself. People like Gorpley will try to take advantage of you but you can't let them. It's not easy, but that's the code you have to live by.
Balki Bartokomous: It's a code?
Larry Appleton: It's a kind of code of honor. You understand what a code of honor is?
Balki Bartokomous: Well, of course I do, don't be ridiculous! We sheepherders have a very strict code of honor: never practice wolf calls while the sheep are sleeping, never eat lamb chops in front of the flock, and never, ever let them see you sweat.

Balki Bartokomous: ...Sometimes if I just look at something it sticks on my brain. I think... I think I have what they call a pornographic memory.

"Perfect Strangers: All the News That Fits (#3.1)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: [Speaking to Balki] Be careful. Gorpley told his secretary he's going to get rid of the kid from Mypos today.
Balki Bartokomous: Oooh! Point well taken, Cousin!
[Larry starts to walk away, and Balki gasps as something occurs to him]
Balki Bartokomous: Do you think he means me?

Larry Appleton: Harriette runs the elevator here.
Balki Bartokomous: [to Harriette] Oh, well your job must have its ups and downs!

Mr. Sam Gorpley: Oh, I get it! Cousin! I see, it's all falling into place.
Balki Bartokomous: What's falling into place?
Mr. Sam Gorpley: Can you say, "Nepotism"?
Balki Bartokomous: Well, it's my first day, but I'll give it a..."
Larry Appleton: [interrupting Balki] Nepotism?
Balki Bartokomous: He asked me!

Balki Bartokomous: You really stepped in something good this time!

Balki Bartokomous: Oh Cousin, you can read me like a cheap suit!

Balki Bartokomous: Is that a hockey puck?
Balki Bartokomous: Yes, Cousin. It landed right next to me in that empty seat. It's a good thing you weren't there... you'd have a puck-shaped hole in the middle of your head and look like a piggy bank!

"Perfect Strangers: Trouble in Paradise (#2.14)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: How am I going to find out how she feels about me?
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, here's a shot in the dark... why don't you ask her?
Larry Appleton: [laughs a few times] Just ask her?
[laugs again]
Larry Appleton: Balki, Balki, Balki. You have to *read* women. You have to interpret the subtle nuances of what they say or don't say, the way they look at you or don't look at you, the way they touch you or, as in my case, don't touch you.
Balki Bartokomous: Boy, life is hard work for you.

Balki Bartokomous: But Cousin, it will be just like you said... we'll relax, do some kickbacks, we'll be marshmallows.

Larry Appleton: Balki, think.
[Balki makes face as if thinking hard]
Larry Appleton: Two girls that we like and desire are coming to dinner. What possible advantage can be gained from poisoning them?
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, cousin! These are the staples of the Myposian diet. They make me into the big strong man I am today!
Larry Appleton: I don't want Jennifer to be a big strong man! I want her to like me, I want her to be impressed, I want her to survive long enough to bear my children.

Balki Bartokomous: What do you take me for, Bozo the Clone?

Balki Bartokomous: Why are you getting all pouffed out of shape?

Balki Bartokomous: You haven't lived until you've had snout on a stick!

"Perfect Strangers: Better Shop Around (#3.16)" (1988)
Balki Bartokomous: On Mypos we have a saying... "Iffi yodi vy zwicki, oh po sticki picki ticki." Need I say more?

Balki Bartokomous: This morning I must have got up on the wrong side of my brain!

Balki Bartokomous: You can just count me down and out in Beverly Hills!

Balki Bartokomous: Well, you know what I thought... I thought we would run around the supermarket and every time we see something we like we throw in the cart it.
Larry Appleton: Oh, oh! Just run around the supermarket and throw in the cart things? Balki, do you know what we would wind up with? Eight hundred pounds of Ding Dongs!

Larry Appleton: This shopping spree is serious business. Now, I have... a plan!
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, why is it that every time we have a chance to have fun you have to "have a plan"?
Larry Appleton: Balki, I don't think you understand what kind of opportunity this shopping spree is!
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, but I do. It's an opportunity for you to "have a plan".

Larry Appleton: You obviously don't know the rules of shopping.
Balki Bartokomous: Well, Cousin, on Mypos we don't have rules for shopping. Come to think of it, we don't have rules for games.
Larry Appleton: This is America. We have rules for everything. It's what distinguishes us from the... unruly.

"Perfect Strangers: Tux for Two (#2.16)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: Balki, I think you misunderstood. I'm sharing my *happiness* with you... but I'm sharing the *evening* with Jennifer.
Balki Bartokomous: [disappointed] Jennifer? Why you ask Jennifer?
Larry Appleton: Because she's beautiful and I want her.
Balki Bartokomous: Thats a good point, very good point.

Balki Bartokomous: But if we're dressed exactly alike how will people tell us apart?
Larry Appleton: Dental records.

Balki Bartokomous: Let me get this straight... everybody's going to be wearing black suits...
Larry Appleton: Yes.
Balki Bartokomous: Nobody's going to be having any fun...
Larry Appleton: Yes.
Balki Bartokomous: What the difference is between this party and a funeral?
Larry Appleton: There's no body. But I can fix that.

Balki Bartokomous: I'd love to rub those elbows!

Roger Morgan: Don't mind Dennis. He was born with a silver spoon in his mouth.
Balki Bartokomous: Must have been painful for his mama!

Balki Bartokomous: People should just be themselves. Except for Dennis... he should be somebody else

"Perfect Strangers: Your Cheatin' Heart (#3.5)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: If Cousin Larry sees you again, he's going to start to put two and four together!

Larry Appleton: Obviously Jennifer's got a bad case of "the Larrys".
Balki Bartokomous: Well, of course she does, don't be ridiculous! Are "the Larrys" anything like "the willies"?

Larry Appleton: Tonight, I'm taking Jennifer out to dinner and I'm going to pull out all the stops!
Balki Bartokomous: Oh Cousin, are you going to let her order the Double Whopper?
Larry Appleton: Better! Tonight I am taking her to a restaurant with waiters!
Balki Bartokomous: [upset] You're taking waiters and you're not taking me?
Larry Appleton: I'll take you next time.

Balki Bartokomous: I give, give, give until I'm blue in the head.

Larry Appleton: Why would you do that? It's not my birthday! It's not Christmas! Why would you buy this for me?
Balki Bartokomous: Why would I buy this for you? Why would your best friend buy you a present? What am I... the first best friend you've ever had?
Larry Appleton: [laughs and raises his hand as if to dismiss the idea]
Balki Bartokomous: Am I the first best friend you ever had?
Larry Appleton: [laughs again, even less convincingly]
Balki Bartokomous: [somewhat shocked] I *am* the first best friend you've ever had!

"Perfect Strangers: Hunks Like Us (#2.2)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: [screams in pain]
Larry Appleton: A little sore?
Balki Bartokomous: I'd say we overdid the workout a little... or you threw me out the window.

Balki Bartokomous: We are not the jerks you thought we were.

Larry Appleton: Now, here's the plan. What we are trying to achieve is physical contact. Now, how do we achieve physical contact?
Balki Bartokomous: Begging?
Larry Appleton: [thinks about this for a minute, then finally shakes his head] Dancing.

Larry Appleton: All right, look... here are the ground rules. Jennifer is mine.
Balki Bartokomous: I saw her first!
Larry Appleton: But I lusted after her first. This is America. Learn the customs.
Balki Bartokomous: I never heard of that custom.
Larry Appleton: It's new.

Balki Bartokomous: I joined a healthy club!

"Perfect Strangers: Hello, Elaine (#2.22)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: What am I, mashed potatoes?

Elaine Appleton: Have you tried sushi yet?
Balki Bartokomous: No, not yet. I don't even have a racquet!

Balki Bartokomous: New York! The Big Tomato!

Balki Bartokomous: She wants to be a concert pianist. Her dream is to play with Phil's Harmonica.

Balki Bartokomous: Why do you think Elaine come to visit us? She didn't have to do that. She could have gone right on to the Big Pineapple.

"Perfect Strangers: Karate Kids (#3.7)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: Say Chuck, do you have a blueprint for your brain? I'm building an idiot!
Balki Bartokomous: [in a hurt tone] Cousin, you didn't tell me you were building an idiot!
Larry Appleton: It was going to be a surprise.

Balki Bartokomous: I don't understand how one mean person can ruin everyone's happy hours!

Larry Appleton: You know what really makes me angry is that there is nothing guys like you and me can do about guys like Chuck.
Balki Bartokomous: Now you know, I'm not sure I agree with you. What about David and Goliath? What about Jack and the beanstalk? What about the Captain and Tennille?

Larry Appleton: You know, Balki, these sneak attacks have really sharpened my reflexes. My senses have been honed to a razor's edge.
Balki Bartokomous: Yeah, you could cut your toenails on my senses, too.

Balki Bartokomous: Now that we're lean cuisine fighting machines...

"Perfect Strangers: The Rent Strike (#2.10)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: You better start respecting Cousin Larry.
Mr. Donald 'Twinkie' Twinkacetti: Oh, but I do, turnip! I respect Cousin Larry just as much as I respect... Cousin Moe and Cousin Curly.
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin... why you didn't introduce me to the rest of the family?
Larry Appleton: I forgot.

Balki Bartokomous: What do you think? I just fell off the turnip truck? Well, I didn't! I jumped off with my own two feet!

Balki Bartokomous: Cousin... I think you've reached the end of the pier again.

Balki Bartokomous: Cousin Larry can be the leader
Susan Campbell: Larry, you'd be perfect!
Jennifer: Yes, Larry, you reek of leadership.
Larry Appleton: Really?
Larry Appleton: Well, maybe I do... reek a little.
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, who's kidding who? You reek all the time!

Larry Appleton: We could band together. If enough people want to change something they can. We stopped the war... we got women the vote... we came that close to getting Daylight Savings Time all year round.
Balki Bartokomous: But Cousin, Mr. Twinkacetti is a land owner, we're just lowly common peasants.
Larry Appleton: Balki, this is a democracy. We're all created equally lowly and common.

"Perfect Strangers: Ladies and Germs (#2.4)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: Who's to say who's right? You say to-may-to and I say to-may-to.

Mr. Donald 'Twinkie' Twinkacetti: Don't tell me... you're here for your lobotomy.
Balki Bartokomous: No, we didn't come for fun. We came to visit you.

Balki Bartokomous: Okay, I go to the hospital. You stay here. I go visit our boss. And when he says 'Where's Appleton?' I'll say, 'Oh him? He's at home hiding from little invisible things that are out to get him.'

Larry Appleton: [explaining the concept of germs to Balki] Nobody can see them. They are... they're... they're tiny. They're microscopic. See, germs are little, tiny things that travel through the air and they get into your body and they make you sick.
Balki Bartokomous: Tell me about these invisible creatures... do they have a leader?

Balki Bartokomous: So that's how you get dates... you bribe them.
Larry Appleton: It's a method.

"Perfect Strangers: Couch Potato (#3.10)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: [Trying to pry Balki away from the TV, where he is watching 3 different Schwarzenegger movies] Balki... go to bed! It is almost time to get up!
Balki Bartokomous: But Cousin, how will I know what happened to Arnold Schwarzenegger?
Larry Appleton: He blows everybody up, marries Maria Schriver and lives happily ever after.

Balki Bartokomous: Oh Cousin, you can read me like a brown paper bag!

Balki Bartokomous: Well, I got to tell you, I broke down and cried 'til my eyes fell out!

Balki Bartokomous: I've got that TV turkey off my back!

Balki Bartokomous: [Balki and Larry are on their way to a concert] Listen, Cousin, don't you think it's time you tell me who we're going to go see tonight?
Larry Appleton: Chicago.
Balki Bartokomous: I know where we are, I'm asking you who are we going to go see tonight?
Larry Appleton: Chicago.
Balki Bartokomous: Yes, I understand... I'm asking you who's going to be singing here in Chicago?
Larry Appleton: [giving up] The Beatles.

"Perfect Strangers: Can I Get a Witness (#2.9)" (1986)
Dunne: Mr. Bartokomous... I think it's rather obvious that you're an immigrant, so let's stop beating around the bush. Why did you come to America?
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, because when I am a little small boy I dream to come to America, the land of the free, the home of the Braves... and my dream was to travel all over this land... from California to the New York Island... from the redwood forest to the gulf stream water. This land was made for you... and me.
Balki Bartokomous: And if I had a hammer...

Balki Bartokomous: So... these are the Halls of Justice. Where are the Halls of Montezuma?
Larry Appleton: They're in another building.

Balki Bartokomous: We're gonna send you up the river without a poodle!

Vince Lucas: I once had a guy named Lenny who delivered packages for me. He decided to sing. Now... Lenny's with the angels
Balki Bartokomous: Lenny's a singing baseball player?

Balki Bartokomous: The police says that he's involved in all kinds of illegal things. Gambling is just he tip of the ice cube.

"Perfect Strangers: Get a Job (#2.21)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: When Larry and Balki go first class they eat the whole hog!

Jennifer: You guys must be pretty sure Mr. Twinkacetti is going to give you a raise.
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, he'll give us a raise. Cousin Larry put it in very uncertain terms.

Larry Appleton: In America you can do anything you want to do. You just have to set your sights high.
Balki Bartokomous: Could I be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?
Larry Appleton: Lower, Balki.
Balki Bartokomous: [in a deeper voice] Could I be Chief Justice of the Supreme Court?

Marsha Manning: You ever arm wrestle naked?
Balki Bartokomous: No, that would be cheating!

Balki Bartokomous: We're going to have to chew the bullet on this one.

"Perfect Strangers: Dog Day Mid-Afternoon (#5.5)" (1989)
Balki Bartokomous: Get out of the city!

Balki Bartokomous: Aren't you forgetting something?
Marvin Berman: No. I don't think so.
Balki Bartokomous: Yes. You were about to set your timer.

Larry Appleton: Why did you tell him to set the timer?
Balki Bartokomous: Because, if he doesn't set the timer... Bad move huh?

Mr. Sam Gorpley: [sees Larry and Balki tied up] Bartokomous, play Cowboys and Indians on your own time.
[to Marvin]
Mr. Sam Gorpley: And you, you don't even work here. Take a hike!
Larry Appleton: Gorpley, don't antagonize him! He's got a bomb!
Mr. Sam Gorpley: Oh, a bomb!
Mr. Sam Gorpley: Yeah, right! A bomb! hahaha!
[sees bomb]
Mr. Sam Gorpley: A bomb. Oh my god, he's got a bomb! Please, Please! You have *got* to let me go! I have got four kids and a pregnant wife at home!
Balki Bartokomous: Mr. Gorpley! This must have been some whirlpooled romance! Just this morning, you were single!

"Perfect Strangers: Ten Speed and a Soft Touch (#2.17)" (1987)
Larry Appleton: Eddie Harris, 315 Lincoln Avenue... he lives in our building!
Balki Bartokomous: Well I'll be snookered! So do we!

Larry Appleton: That's a pogo stick.
Balki Bartokomous: Well of course it is, don't be ridiculous. You got a pogo ball in here somewhere?

Balki Bartokomous: Boochi boochi boochi!

Balki Bartokomous: Remember the three P's... patience, perseverance and pride.
Larry Appleton: Balki when it comes to Eddie the only three P's are police, prosecution and prison!

"Perfect Strangers: Since I Lost My Baby (#2.13)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: [singing] It's a beautiful day in the neighborhood, beautiful day in the neighborhood... won't you be mine? Could you be mine? Won't you be my neighbor?
Balki Bartokomous: Can you say, 'Good morning?'
Larry Appleton: No.

Mr. Donald 'Twinkie' Twinkacetti: How 'bout a brewski?
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, no thank you. I got a Pepski.

Balki Bartokomous: Oh, Cousin, he's our friend.
Larry Appleton: Our friend? Balki, the man tried to have you deported for giving the correct change to a blind man!
Balki Bartokomous: Well, I never said he was a saint.

Larry Appleton: [bad saxaphone playing is heard coming from Twinkacetti's office] Do you hear that? That's the sound of love.
Balki Bartokomous: Imagine what hate sounds like.
Larry Appleton: Well, you know what they say... even bad sax is better than no sax at all.

"Perfect Strangers: Snow Way to Treat a Lady: Part 1 (#2.18)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin Larry have a recess in his jeans.

Balki Bartokomous: Well, I'll say one thing for us. I think we all achieved oneness with the snow.

Balki Bartokomous: It ain't over 'til the fat lady eats.

Balki Bartokomous: Once upon a time there was a little goat herder and he had curly brown hair and little round cheeks and no upper lip at all.

"Perfect Strangers: Lifesavers (#2.5)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: That makes me happier than a tick on a sheepdog!

Balki Bartokomous: All right, buster, reach for the friendly skies!

Balki Bartokomous: You're a hero.
Larry Appleton: Well, for what? For running out into the street and throwing my body between you and certain death? Well, maybe a small hero.
Balki Bartokomous: No, Cousin, take it from me... you're a big one!

Balki Bartokomous: Cousin Larry just did a great thing!
Mr. Donald "Twinkie" Twinkacetti: Ooh, what'd he do? Tear up your green card?
Balki Bartokomous: This man, Larry Appleton, just saved my life!
Mr. Donald "Twinkie" Twinkacetti: Why?

"Perfect Strangers: Hello Baby (#2.1)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: God? Bless Cousin Larry and Gina and the new baby and please watch over Dimitri who's sleeping on the floor for the first time in his whole young life!

Larry Appleton: This must have been how Eisenhower felt just before D-Day. All around him the troops sleeping... not Ike. He knew that one single mistake could change the course of world history.
Balki Bartokomous: Was this before or after Ike met Tina Turner?
Larry Appleton: Before.

Larry Appleton: [seeing Balki in his pajamas] What are those?
Balki Bartokomous: These my Spiderman pajamas.
Larry Appleton: Let me rephrase that. Why are you WEARING those?
Balki Bartokomous: Because my He-Man pajamas are in the laundry.

Balki Bartokomous: Let's paint the town red, white and blue!

"Perfect Strangers: Bye Bye Biki (#3.22)" (1988)
Larry Appleton: Is this the Yaya Biki who's a hundred and six years old?
Balki Bartokomous: No, this is the Yaya Biki who has a lounge act in Vegas.

Balki Bartokomous: I have been running around like a chicken with his head glued on all day!

Larry Appleton: Balki... when you brought a hundred pounds of garlic into the apartment I said to myself, "Okay... so Yaya Biki loves scampi." When you told me she likes to keep fresh eels in the bathtub I said to myself, "Hey... no problem... I take showers." But...
Balki Bartokomous: It's the cow, isn't it?
Larry Appleton: Well, yes. The cow... bothers me. I want Yaya Biki to feel at home, I really do! But have you ever thought that she'd like to see how we live? Experience the American way of living? Things like, oh... uh, I don't know, uh gee, what exactly can I think of? Uh... oh! Beef on the table instead of beef at the table?
[cow moos, seemingly in response]
Larry Appleton: a

Balki Bartokomous: Well... I'm gonna go upstairs now and tell my friends that I'm sad. I think that'll make them happy.

"Perfect Strangers: Taking Stock (#3.4)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: To forgive is divine... to be an airhead is human.

Balki Bartokomous: No skin off my head!

Larry Appleton: Balki, leave your money in the bank. Forget about the stock market, you know nothing about it.
Balki Bartokomous: Well, of course I do, don't be ridiculous! On Mypos, I sell my sheep at the stock market.

"Perfect Strangers: Snow Way to Treat a Lady: Part 2 (#2.19)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: [to Larry, as they are trying to dig out of the snow] You're my family. You took me in... you taught me American ways and culture. If it wasn't for you, I wouldn't be where I am today.

Larry Appleton: Balki! Balki! There's a light at the end of the tunnel!
Balki Bartokomous: Yes, and every rolling stone has a silver lining...

Balki Bartokomous: You're giving up! And you call yourselves Americans? Whatever happened to "I have not yet begun to fight?" "Don't give up the ship?" "Have it your way?" Americans aren't quitters. If George Washington had given up at Valley Forge we'd all be speaking English today!

"Perfect Strangers: Picture This (#1.2)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: I can't let you take advantage of her. I don't think it's right just because she has a public figure!

Balki Bartokomous: Okay, wise-eyes !

Larry Appleton: If I can get a picture of her before anyone knows she's in town, it'll show those newspaper editors that I've got what it takes to be a crack photojournalist.
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin Larry? You know some day I'm going to look at you and say 'That's my cousin, Larry Appleton, the best photographer in the world!' And do you know why? Because you're cracked.

"Perfect Strangers: Seven Card Studs (#4.20)" (1989)
Balki Bartokomous: Wwooowwhh!

Larry Appleton: Good hand?
Balki Bartokomous: How did you know?

Larry Appleton: [Larry is teaching Balki how to play poker] Any questions?
Balki Bartokomous: Wow! You make it all seem so complicated! All Mr. Gorpley did was deal me five cards, we'd both look at them, and he'd take my money.

"Perfect Strangers: Happy Birthday, Baby (#1.6)" (1986)
Larry Appleton: Why have you got peanuts in that pocket?
Balki Bartokomous: Because I have a squirrel in this one.

Larry Appleton: Don't they have anything on Mypos besides sheep?
Balki Bartokomous: Well, we got a 7/11.

Balki Bartokomous: Boy, somebody got up on the wrong side of the flock!

"Perfect Strangers: Check This (#1.5)" (1986)
Larry Appleton: Intellectually I know, I know... I'm overly possessive. Almost neurotic about it.
Balki Bartokomous: You are not!
Larry Appleton: I'm not?
Balki Bartokomous: Of course not! Erotic? Don't be ridiculous!
Larry Appleton: Neurotic. Neurotic! NEUROTIC!
Balki Bartokomous: Okay, don't get crazy!

Balki Bartokomous: Where do I come up with them?
[laughing at own joke]

Balki Bartokomous: When I put my money here, what are you going to do with it?
Larry Appleton: The same thing they do with my money: They loan it out to other people for interest.
Balki Bartokomous: They give my money to other people just because it's interesting?
Larry Appleton: No, no no. "Interest" is what other people pay the bank so they can use your money.
Balki Bartokomous: Well if they're using my money why don't they pay me?
Larry Appleton: Well the bank performs a service. For instance, you could come here an borrow money yourself.
Balki Bartokomous: I could come to this bank and borrow my own money and then pay them interest?
Larry Appleton: Well... yes. Provided you had good credit.
Balki Bartokomous: What that is?
Larry Appleton: Well "credit" is proving to the bank that you don't need to borrow... your own money.

"Perfect Strangers: The Pen Pal (#3.14)" (1988)
Larry Appleton: Are you crazy?
Balki Bartokomous: [calmly] You seem upset.
Larry Appleton: Yes! Yes, I'm upset! There's a killer in the bathroom!
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, Cousin, he's not a killer! He was a thief, and a loan shark and... there was the occasional assault with a deadly weapon but he was not a killer.
Larry Appleton: [sarcastically] Oh well, what the heck? Give him my room!
Balki Bartokomous: Well, I didn't think it would be fair without asking first.

Balki Bartokomous: Cousin's Larry's so excited the cat ate his tongue!

Balki Bartokomous: [to Vince, who has just been paroled] Well, I know it's been a long trip down from up the river...

"Perfect Strangers: Two Men and a Cradle (#2.8)" (1986)
Gina Morelli: We decided that when Frankie gets a little older we're going to have another baby. Maybe we'll have a girl next time.
Balki Bartokomous: [referring to the girl they brought home instead of Frankie] Maybe sooner than you think.

Balki Bartokomous: You don't want to have a nervous breakdance.

Balki Bartokomous: Can't pull the wool over your nose!

"Perfect Strangers: Knock Knock, Who's There? (#1.1)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: Larry, Larry, Larry! I look everywhere for you! I walk the streets, I search the alleys, I say to everyone, 'Have you seen Larry?' You don't know how many people have never heard of you! But now I find you and I'm safe, I'm safe, I'm safe!
Larry Appleton: Yes, yes, now you're safe! Who are you?
Balki Bartokomous: I am Balki Bartokomous! Philo, my fifth cousin three times removed is the step-uncle to your father on my mother's side, two continents removed.
Larry Appleton: I see, so we're sort of related by rumor.

Balki Bartokomous: America... land of my dreams, home of the Whopper.

"Perfect Strangers: Aliens (#4.3)" (1988)
Balki Bartokomous: When I say, "Who wants pig snouts?", you will say, "I do! I do!"
Larry Appleton: When you say "Who wants pig snouts?", I will say... I will say... NO, I WILL NEVER EAT PIG SNOUTS!
Balki Bartokomous: You have a strong will, Earth Boy!

Balki Bartokomous: Darn. You got me.
Larry Appleton: You mean it's true?
Balki Bartokomous: Yepper! I may be an alien bent on world conquest, but I am no liar.

"Perfect Strangers: Pipe Dreams (#3.17)" (1988)
Balki Bartokomous: [on the phone] Well, I guess that would depend on what you plumbers would consider an emergency... Did you see the Poseidon Adventure?

Balki Bartokomous: Uh, Cousin... I'm sure I'm wrong but I could have sworn that I heard you call and cancel the plumber.
Larry Appleton: I did.
Balki Bartokomous: I see, well, I'm very sure I'm wrong but I could have sworn that I heard you tell the plumber you were going to put on the shower head yourself.
Larry Appleton: I am.
Balki Bartokomous: I see, well, in that case, may I invite my friends over to watch? Because when it comes to plumbing, you don't know Bo Diddley.

"Perfect Strangers: Night School Confidential (#3.8)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, hold on to your pants and fasten your neck brace because I'm gonna show you something that's gonna make your head spin like Linda Blair.

Larry Appleton: Balki, Leon is a crook. These watches are counterfeit. You've been ripped off.
Balki Bartokomous: Wait a minute. Are you saying that Leon is a crook and that these watches are counterfeit and that I've been ripped off?

"Perfect Strangers: Babes in Babylon (#2.6)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: Oh, Cousin, we're going to have an adventure!
Larry Appleton: Well, I'll go. But I won't have any fun.
Balki Bartokomous: Well, of course not, I wouldn't expect you to.

Balki Bartokomous: What's wrong with Vegaaas?
Larry Appleton: Are you kidding? Vegas is a moral wasteland. It goes against everything I was ever told I believe in.
Balki Bartokomous: When were you in Vegaaas?
Larry Appleton: Well, I... uh... um... never. But I saw 'Ocean's 11.' All Vegas is is gambling, flashing lights, big name entertainers and showgirls in skimpy costumes.
Balki Bartokomous: You're right! Let's pack.

"Perfect Strangers: The Break-In (#3.11)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: [attempting humor] Well, Cousin, I guess when they were handing out the lips you only got one!
[Balki laughs, then realizes Larry is not laughing]
Balki Bartokomous: Why aren't you laughing?
Larry Appleton: It's hard to laugh with one lip.

Balki Bartokomous: You better get out your umbrella because the spit's gonna hit the fan!

"Perfect Strangers: The Horn Blows at Midnight (#3.6)" (1987)
Balki Bartokomous: If we don't do something soon Mr. Death is going to come in here and kick your bucket!

Larry Appleton: Why didn't I think of this before? We just won't answer the door! Mr. Death will think there's no one home and he'll go away!
Balki Bartokomous: Cousin, it's Mr. Death, not the Avon lady!

"Perfect Strangers: First Date (#1.3)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: So, this is one of your American mating places.
Larry Appleton: Meeting, a meeting place. People meet each other here. They mate somewhere else.

Balki Bartokomous: Will you come with me, Cousin Larry? Tonight is kind of special.
Larry Appleton: No, Balki, a singles bar is not my first choice of places to meet women. I prefer more formal situations you know, uh... weddings... tax audit... Heimlich maneuver...

"Perfect Strangers: Baby, You Can Drive My Car (#1.4)" (1986)
Balki Bartokomous: All right, there's one question I have to ask about the manual. If four persons come to a four-way stop at the same moment, and the man on my right has the right of way, who goes first because everybody has somebody on his right.
Larry Appleton: That's why you buy insurance.

Balki Bartokomous: You can fool some of the sheep all of the time, but you can't fool some of the sheep all of the time!

"Perfect Strangers: Crimebusters (#4.12)" (1989)
Balki Bartokomous: [answering the phone] Larry and Balki's Waterworks. Which drip do you want to talk to?

"Perfect Strangers: The 'King' and I (#4.16)" (1989)
[Shortly after their week-end party ended & the guests left, their telephone rang & the hypnosis began! A hypnotist tried to hypnotize Larry Appleton, earlier that evening, but it "bounced" on to Balki Bartokomous, as he was watching the hypnotist try hypnotize Larry. Larry acted like Marlon Brando, instead. It was Balki's first time thinking he was Elvis Presley. Balki spoke with a deep southern accent, sounding much like Elvis Presley]
Balki Bartokomous: How did you get this number, lady?
[Shortly after the first telephone call ended, the phone rang again and Balki's first hypnosis was over. The next day, was when Larry realized that the spell the hypnotist tried on him, "accidentally" went to Balki, and they were to meet their Income Tax agent, Mister Yates, after the week-end. Larry heavily tried & made hysterical moves, especially jerking Mr. Yates' telephone line out of the wall, claiming "he was Amish" & other hysterical acts in the Income Tax office, trying to prevent Balki from hearing a chime of any type & start acting like Elvis Presley, if one occurred, especially at the Income Tax office!]

"Perfect Strangers: Just Desserts (#3.15)" (1988)
[Balki had baked "Bibby Bobkas" -- a Myposian pastry and Larry, Jennifer and Mary Anne have just tasted them for the first time.]
Larry Appleton: Balki... this cream filling is INCREDIBLE! I mean, these not only taste good, they... they make me FEEL good! Like listening to music! Like looking at great art! I feel... I feel... Taller! Balki, your Bibby Bobkas are so good, I think you should sell them.
Balki Bartokomous: [through laughter] Get out of this city! I wouldn't feel right taking your money.
[Larry shakes his head]
Larry Appleton: No, Balki, I don't mean sell them to US. I mean sell them to other PEOPLE. It can be a nice little business venture. You'd make a couple extra bucks and get a lesson in Free Enterprise.
Balki Bartokomous: ENTERPRISE?! You mean I could meet Captain Kirk and Scotty?
Balki Bartokomous: [Imitating James Doohan] I'll have full power in an hour, Captain. But I'll need more dylythium crystals.
Larry Appleton: No, no, no... No, Balki. That's the STARSHIP Enterprise. FREE Enterprise is the American way of doing business. I'll... I'll tell you what. You whip up a batch of Bibby Bobkas, and tomorrow, I'll take 'em to restaurants and see if anybody's interested.
Balki Bartokomous: Now, Cousin, Cousin, you don't just "whip up" Bibby Bobkas. I mean, this took me all morning; And I'm the best Bibby Bobka baker on Mypos. Believe me. Baking Bibby Bobkas is a back-breaking business.
Larry Appleton: I understand, Balki, baking Bibby Bobkas is a back-breaking business. But... you're doing it alone. There are four of US. We'll... we'll all do it together. It'll be like a party.
Jennifer Lyons Appleton: [smiling with impression] That's a WONDERFUL idea, Larry!
Mary Anne Spencer Bartokomous: [likewise] Yeah. What do you say, Balki?
Balki Bartokomous: Well, I... I guess we could bake up a batch of Bibby Bobkas and see if anybody buys.
Larry Appleton: [grinning as he nods] Beautiful.