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: Jonathan, I'm warning you. Joan Crawford is my idol.
: Angela, what is the problem? Angela
: The problem is, Mother, you sent me a man for a housekeeper. Mona Robinson
: Oh, don't be sexist. A man can do meaningless, unproductive work just as well as a woman. Angela
: Mother, Mother, the housekeeper's room is very close to mine. Tony
: Oh, hey, don't worry about me. I keep a can of mace by my bed.
: See, my instincts tell me this is the man for my grandson - and it doesn't hurt that he's a hunk. Angela
: Mother, I'm not looking for a hunk for a housekeeper. Mona Robinson
: Why not? He'll do floors. He'll lift furniture. Can I come over when he lifts?
: Sam, I want to to meet some real nice people. This is Mona Robinson. Samantha Micelli
: [shaking Mona's hand
] Nice to meet you. Tony
: And this is Angela Bower. Samantha Micelli
: [shaking Angela's hand
] Oh, I'm very pleased to meet you Miss Bower. You have a lovely home, and you're so pretty. Angela
: Oh, thank you. I'm very flattered. Samantha Micelli
: [looking at Tony
] That's the idea.
: Angela, who is this? Angela
: Well, Grant, you're not going to believe this, but this is my new housekeeper. Grant Paxton
: Housekeeper? Angela, this is the ugliest woman I've ever seen.
: Tony, I'm gonna say this very slowly. My weekend has nothing to do with my promotion. Tony
: You'll never know unless you don't go. Angela
: Who are you anyway, Jiminy Cricket?
: Well, could you just try to remember what I said? Angela
: Tony, if I had a lobotomy I would remember that. Tony
: Well, good, because let me tell you one thing, Angela. You'd never catch me doing something dumb like sleeping with my employer.
: You threatened my son? Tony
: Yeah, I... Angela
: [looks at Jonathan and then back at Tony
] It seems to be working.
: Yeah, so, I'm just going to let what happens happen. Tony
: Oh, hey, hey, oh. If you just let what happens happen, when what you wanted to happen happens, you're not going to know whether it happened or not.
: There are some things that are no good for you, like Crunchy Crawlers, and guys who just want to... Angela
: Now, just a minute. If I want -
[both look down at the kids and back at each other again
: Crunchy Crawlers, then I will have Crunchy Crawlers. Tony
: Crunchy Crawlers are empty calories. Not really satisfying. In an hour, you're gonna want something else. Angela
: Maybe I'll want more Crunchy Crawlers.
: Was that the phone? Tony
: Yeah, that was the phone. Angela
: Who was it? Tony
: Oh, it was the, uh - Oh, it was the Arthur Murray dance studio. You just won a free dance lesson. Angela
: Great. Now all my problems are solved. I'll be a Rockette. Tony
: You'll be a good one.
: I'm Tony Micelli. I'm here about the job. Angela
: Oh, I'm sorry. There must be a mistake. This job is for a housekeeper. Tony
: That's me, Mr. Goodmop. Angela
: Well, my mother's screening everyone. Did you meet her? Tony
: Yeah yesterday. She gave me the once over, kicked me in the tires, put me up on the rack... Angela
: Well, she should've checked under your hood, 'cause you're the wrong sex. Tony
: Oh, wait a minute; she said that wouldn't be any problem. Angela
: My mother didn't think World War II was a problem.
: Oh, wait - a bathroom? I mean, don't you have things in there that are too personal to mention, you know, like, I don't know, false eyelashes? Angela
: I'll tell you what. If you find anything too personal to mention, just clean it and don't mention it.
: Gee, what a great tub, eh? I mean, a walrus could bathe in there. Oh, no offence. Angela
: It looks like one has. No offence.
: You know, you're really lucky. I only have a shower. And sometimes, I love to take bubble baths. Angela
: Really? You in a bubble bath? I always pictured you in the shower. I mean, if I pictured you at all, I would picture your type in the shower. Tony
: I get the picture.
: You're doing this all wrong. You're wasting valuable time. I mean, look. First, you got to come over here to put on your panties, right? Then you got to come all the way back over here to put on your bra. And then you got to chug way back over here to put on your pantyhose. Angela
: What were you before you came here, a female impersonator? Tony
: Can't you see you're wasting 10, 15 seconds of your life every morning? I want this place to run like a well-oiled machine. Angela
: If you had it your way, I'd be getting dressed on a conveyer belt. Tony
: Not a bad idea.
: Well, do you remember our multiplication tables? What is six times eight? Jonathan Bower
: Sixty-four. Angela
: No, no, sweetheart. Six times eight is forty-eight. You keep repeating that to the bus driver. Jonathan Bower
: He's the one who told me it was sixty-four.
: Michael we have seen each other twice in a year. That does not make a happy marriage. Michael Bower
: Look on the bright side, we've only had two fights.
: Hey. How's the snake? Angela Bower
: He's putting Jonathan to bed.
[Tony found out Michael spent the night
] Tony Micelli
: Look, I may be way out of line here, but I don't wanna see you get hurt. I just think you're moving a little too fast. Angela Bower
: Tony, we're married. Tony Micelli
: Yeah, but you're engaged to be divorced.
: Mother's going home. She says she may take a plane or she may take a train, but if she has to walk, she's going just the same. Tony Micelli
: Sounds like she's going to Kansas City. Jonathan Bower
: I hear they got some crazy little women there!
Dr. Bernice Bellows
: Do you love Tony? Angela
: Oh... he's the most incredible man I've ever known. When I'm with him I'm happier than I've ever been, and sadder sometimes. God I, I just couldn't imagine my life without him... this is confidential isn't it...
[Dr Bellows nods
: ... Yes, I love Tony. Oh... Dr. Bernice Bellows
: It might help if he knew that. Angela
: Well I wish I could hear it from him first. Dr. Bernice Bellows
: Angela, I think you might lose him.
: [as Tony is preparing for an evening out
] Oh, Tony, you probably want to wear a tie - you know how fussy they are at Le Fleur. Tony Micelli
: [On his way upstairs
] Okay, no problem. Angela Bower
: [Stopping him
] Maybe the red paisley. Tony Micelli
] O-kay. Angela Bower
: [Stopping him again
] It goes really well with your blue suit. Tony Micelli
] Hey Angela, what about my underwear - boxers or briefs?
: Tony and I love each other. But like friends, not like married people. Jonathan Bower
: But what's the difference? Samantha Micelli
: S-E-X. Jonathan Bower
: Sex? Oh, is that all? Then why don't you just have that and get it over with?