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[Kevin walks in and sees his family gathered in the living room
] Kevin Walker
: God! Did Scotty tell you, or did Justin bug my apartment with his junior spy kit? Justin Walker
: What? Tommy Walker
: What are you talking about? Kevin Walker
: Nice try. Okay, Mom, we would love to have it here; Scotty's obviously cooking. Tommy, if you would bring some wine that would be great. Justin, stay sober. Sarah, you've got the toast. Kitty, since you write speeches for a living, we would love it if you would officiate the ceremony.
] William Walker
: I'm trying to talk to you. Kevin Walker
: Well, I've been trying to do that with you for quite a few years. William Walker
: And I just wasn't ready to talk about it. Kevin Walker
: So maybe I'm not ready now. William Walker
: Kevin, I know I didn't handle things too well back then. Kevin Walker
: You wouldn't even look at me. You didn't want anyone at work to know. William Walker
: I was struggling with... Kevin Walker
: And I wasn't? I was a kid. I just needed to know you loved me the same way you loved Kitty, Sarah, Justin or Tommy, but you were too busy being ashamed. William Walker
: And I have to live with how I reacted. And you can get past this and accept my apology. Kevin Walker
: I'm not sure I can.
[Saul walks into a room full of Walker siblings
] Saul Holden
: Oh, I see. Everybody huddled together, talking about me. Kevin Walker
: No, Saul, we're not... Saul Holden
: It's okay, Kevin, you tell everybody everything anyway. Okay, I'll say it, fine. I'm gay! Kitty McCallister
: Oh. What? Tommy Walker
: You're gay? Kevin Walker
: We weren't talking about you, Saul. Saul Holden
: Too bad I don't represent Republicans. What, even lawyers have some scruples!
: So, here's our proposal. You walk out the door and start to rebuild your life, and so long as you behave yourself all those files stay in my cabinet. But if Wolf Blitzer so much as blinks at Senator McCallister, all bets are off. I think this is the part where you walk out the door.
: You just don't believe anyone can succeed without your help. There you go, Kevin Walker to the rescue. But you know what? Maybe some people would really like to do things without your help. Maybe we don't want to be rescued, maybe we'd like you to mind your own business. Kevin Walker
: I think you're being really unfair, because you always said how happy you were when Dad surprised you with our house. Paul
: Your dad the cheater? Justin Walker
: Not now, Paul. Nora Walker
: I pretended to be happy. God, all the years I pretended to be happy with what was handed to me, as if it were inconceivable I might actually have an opinion of my own. You know what, the men in this family need to learn they can't barge into every situation like a bull in a china shop, thinking they can fix everything themselves!
: I guess I meant to still prove that I could do that. That I could take care of you. And if I couldn't, then... why would you even love me? Scotty Wandell
: Kevin, I don't love you because of how much money you make or because you can take care of me. I love you because your heart is bigger than your very annoying brain. And even if you did want to be competitive with me it wouldn't make sense. Because you're the reason I am who I am now. Scotty Wandell
: Wow. I didn't realize how amazing I was.
] Did you bring your DNA kit with you? Are you going to swab her over salad? Kevin Walker
: I could get a strand of hair. Tommy Walker
: No, that's not going to work. You have to get it from the root. Justin Walker
: What are you, Columbo? Tommy Walker
: I watch all the crime shows. Kevin Walker
: I'll take her water glass into a lab. Tommy Walker
: No, no, that's not gonna work either. The glass will get corrupted. Justin Walker
: Look, are you both high? You want your DNA test right here? She's hot - I feel nothing!
: I read about you. Kevin Walker
: Me? Rebecca Harper
: M-hm, someone sent me a link to the 'Skinny Minnie'. Are you really dating Chad Barry? Kevin Walker
: Eh, no. Yes, yeah, oh, I... I know him. Justin Walker
: Like Romeo knows Juliet. Sarah Whedon
: Like Siegfried knows Roy.
[Robert picks up a G.I. Joe figure at Nora's yard sale
] Robert McCallister
: How much do you want for him? Kevin Walker
: A lot. Robert McCallister
: Name your price. Kevin Walker
: You know what, I'll probably just hold on to him. I don't think he has any tours left in him. Robert McCallister
: He's gonna sit on a book shelf and have some R&R... Kevin Walker
: You say that now, and the next thing you know he's off fighting an endless and unnecessary war.
: I'd like to offer Kevin a job. Kevin Walker
: What? Kitty McCallister
: As what? Robert McCallister
: I'd like you to consider replacing Kitty as my communications director. Kevin Walker
: That's a good one. That's a good... Why aren't you laughing? Kitty McCallister
: You know, honey, that's not your worst idea. Robert McCallister
: Right, he's perfect. He's smart, he's informed, he's a pain in the ass. Kevin Walker
: Thank you. Robert McCallister
: Well, you're not afraid to engage me. Kitty McCallister
: Yeah, you know, there's some sort of perverse sense in this. Kevin Walker
: I'm really sorry, have I just walked into an alternate universe where being a gay, liberal Democrat qualifies you to work for a Republican senator?
: You're the lying whore of the family! Kitty Walker
: And you're the stuck-up bitch!
: Hi, Scotty, it's... it's Kevin, your least favorite Martian. Look, I've been on your planet for 34 years, and I still get a lot of things wrong. Like about money and work and people and life and... love and everything. Anyway, I just wanted you to know I think you're amazing, and funny, and cute as hell, and I just hope that some day... maybe, I don't know, three Martian years from now, 'cause our years are longer than yours, maybe I could be worthy of your human love and respect. Whether we're together or not. That's all.
: Calling home wasn't really an option for me. Kevin Walker
: Why not, no cell phone coverage? Jason McCallister
: I was having a crisis of faith, actually. Kevin Walker
: Really? I didn't know that. Oh, but then, you didn't tell me. Jason McCallister
: I'm sorry, I was spending my time talking to God. Kevin Walker
: At least you were talking to someone. Scotty Wandell
: And you don't need a cell phone to talk to God, right?
: I don't want you to see him anymore. Kevin Walker
: Even if I did, it wouldn't mean anything. Scotty Wandell
: I know you're going to run into him at family stuff. I just don't want you making plans with him. Kevin Walker
: Okay. Promise. Scotty Wandell
: Really? Kevin Walker
: I don't think you get how much I want us to be together. Scotty Wandell
: God, now I feel like an idiot for asking. Kevin Walker
: Why? It only makes me want you even more.
: Okay, I never really had brothers and sisters so I don't know how big families work, um, maybe this is the normal thing to do you know, just do things in a clump, like you all get together, solve problems. Kevin Walker
: No, no, we tend to make things worse and then blame each other. Sarah Whedon
: Yeah, that's pretty much how it works.
: [trying to set Kevin up with Jason McCallister
] He's completely your type. Kevin Walker
: What, attractive and emotionally unavailable? Kitty Walker
: No, that would be you.
: Mom, the cat is out of the bag. Nora Walker
: Put it back in!
: You love it. Kevin Walker
: Love what? Scotty Wandell
: All of them being here. Hosted by you, Mr. "I've got the keys to a fabulous beach house, soon to be partner of a major L.A. law firm." Kevin Walker
: You forgot "just married." Scotty Wandell
: I left out that little detail. Kevin Walker
: You know what? I think I do. I think I love being lord of the manor. Scotty Wandell
: That's because you like being the center of attention like everybody else in your family. Kevin Walker
: Yeah. Actually it's amazing none of us went into showbusiness.
: You'll forgive me if I'm a little freaked. I mean, is this gonna be like Fatal Attraction?
: You know, whatever journey I've been on, I think at age 34 I have finally maybe found out who I want to be, and where I want to go.
[puts his hand on Kevin's
] Chad Barry
: And who I want to go there with. Kevin Walker
: This is the greatest friggin' restaurant on Earth, isn't it?
: I didn't risk Ojai Foods to make money, Kevin. I did it to try and save my life. I want out. I want to be free. Kevin Walker
: Just say it. I love you, it's okay. Saul Holden
: I'm a gay man, Kevin. Tell me how I can be a gay man at my age? Kevin Walker
: I don't know how to be a gay man at *my* age. But I do understand you're afraid. Saul Holden
: I want my time back. Kevin Walker
: That's the one trick none of us can pull off. Saul, if you think this family is going to sit back and watch you waste the time that you do have punishing yourself, you're mistaken.
: You know, it's like all these crazy people in my family are in this insane freefall and completely incapable of being happy. And then I look at Saul, who... who's missed his life entirely. And I realize how lucky I am because I get to come home to someone who is kind and caring, and who changes the lightbulbs... and... marry me. Scotty Wandell
: What? Kevin Walker
: I mean it. I don't want to wait. I want to make this official. Scotty Wandell
: Because I changed the lightbulbs? Kevin Walker
: No, well, yeah, kind of. Because, Scotty, that's who you are. I'm completely, completely in love with you. I even love the things about you that I hate. Because you make me feel like I don't have to be anyone other than who I am. And to me, that feels like family, and that's what I want us to be. I want us to be a family because that never ends. I'm doing this all wrong. Kevin Walker
: [gets down on his knees
] Scotty, I'm asking you. Will you please marry me? Scotty Wandell
: Yes. Yes, Kevin, I'll marry you.
: Trying to be the perfect family for some Republican operative my mom has the hots for is making me a little nervous. Scotty Wandell
: You keep saying he's a Republican. I'm far more impressed she might be dating a black man.
: Uh, not that I don't love thumbing through gay porn... I'm sorry, male clothing catalogs. But what am I doing here, bro? Kevin Walker
: Be nice or I'll put you on the mailing list.
: This guy is messing with my head. In the 'Gay' column I have: Flirting, giving me shoes, Lola the pug. And in the 'Straight' column I have: Girlfriend, Lakers and uses the words dude and bro.
: Okay, we've parked at Inspiration Point so you can bitch about your job? Chad Barry
: I thought we were friends. Kevin Walker
: I don't know what we are, Chad. You give me shoes, you admire my body, and, you know, I'm sorry, taking a drive up to a beautiful location, regardless of category, is a date. I mean, come on man, driving me all the way up here? You're either going to hack me into a million little pieces or you're gonna kiss me! Chad Barry
: Well, I'm not a serial killer. So...
: I know my friends weren't the warmest last night. Kevin Walker
: I should have worn a parka! Scotty Wandell
: They were just being protective. Kevin Walker
: From what? Me? Scotty Wandell
: You have to admit our history has been a little bit checkered. Kevin Walker
: I'm not solely responsible for the checkery, okay? Do you tell them any of the good stuff. Scotty Wandell
: Yes, they just happen to remember the other stuff. They'll warm up to you, you're different. They're more... bohemian. Kevin Walker
: Come on, admit it. They just think I'm boring. Scotty Wandell
: No, they just think you're... uptight. Kevin Walker
: I am not uptight! Scotty Wandell
: Okay. Whatever you need to tell yourself.
: We should go out. You're uptight, I'm not going to Paris, this deserves an outing! You and me tonight. We can commiserate! Kevin Walker
: I don't need to commiserate. Sarah Walker
: Then watch me commiserate with a bottle of tequila. Kevin Walker
: You don't need a brother, you need to get lucky. Sarah Walker
: Oh, come on, it's not my senior prom. I just, I wanna go out, let my hair down and... get savage. Kevin Walker
: Okay, now you're scaring me. Sarah Walker
: That's because you're uptight.
: They're just too young to appreciate the pleasures of spitting in someone's mouth.
: Kevin plays. Kevin Walker
: What? No, Kevin doesn't. Sarah Whedon
: Yeah, Kevin does play. He played on our high school golf team. Kevin Walker
: Yeah, only because I had a crush on Matthew Brown. I joined everything he joined, even Future Farmers of America... Yeah, he grew a prize-winning pumpkin. Kitty Walker
: Ooh, I bet he did.
: Can you hand me a screwdriver... You know what a screwdriver looks like? Kevin Walker
: It's orange and comes in a glass filled with ice.
: You know, this whole anonymity thing is a joke. If the kid's well dressed and witty, it's mine. Justin Walker
: You don't stand a chance. My little dudes have been at war. Kevin Walker
: And stoned for the last ten years. Mine are effective. Tommy Walker
: Okay, that's enough sperm talk for the rest of my life.
: Uncle Kevin, can I ask you a question? Kevin Walker
: How come I got all the good looks in the family?
: Connect four. Kevin Walker
: What? Where? Paige Whedon
: One, two, three four. I win. Kevin Walker
: What, whoa, what? Wait, were you distracting me? That was a set up? Paige Whedon
: Yeah. Kevin Walker
: Wow, great strategy. Wait till you're old enough for game night.
: Okay, whatever. Look, where did you hide the wine? I need to get grandma a drink ASAP! Tommy Walker
: It's in the closet. Kitty Walker
: You put the wine in my closet?
[Kevin opens the closet door
] Kitty Walker
: Is your little boyfriend in there? Kevin Walker
: [yelling from closet
] He's not my boyfriend!
: Oh Kevin, you know please! Kitty Walker
: [to Robert
] Now help me out, can you just please tell him that you have a gay brother too? Ida Holden
: Who's gay? Robert McCallister
: I think you just outed two brothers for the price of one. Kevin Walker
: Thanks, Kitty. That would be me, grandma. I'm gay. Ida Holden
: Oh, you're not gay. Justin maybe, but you?
: What are you now, like 35 years old? Have you ever had a relationship that's lasted longer than three weeks? You walk around in your suit and tie pretending that you're a man, but you know what? You're just a boy, you're a scared little boy. Kevin Walker
: Actually, I have a boyfriend, and I have for quite a while now. Justin Walker
: Yeah, you know what? Big freaking whoop! Justin Walker
: [looking at Holly
] And what is *she* doing here? Holly Harper
: I'm here for my daughter. Rebecca Harper
: Justin... Justin Walker
: Don't, don't! Because you are beyond pathetic. You spend so much time trying to get somebody to love you that you can't help anyone. Holly Harper
: That's enough, Justin! Justin Walker
: What are you, the protective mother now? Because in case you missed it, your daughter's been living here all summer wishing she was a Walker. You two are the same, you'll do anything, no, I'm sorry, *screw* anyone to be part of this family!
: Oh it's not. It's not *top* secret. But it, yes it's a... it is, it's a very sensitive national security thing. I'm sorry that's all I can say about it. Kevin Walker
: I'm sorry, "thing"? Sarah Whedon
: That's why McCallister gave you a bag of lingerie to take with you? Oh yeah, I can see the faith of the free world hangs in the balance. Justin Walker
: Apparently that's not the only thing that's hanging. Kitty Walker
: Oh that's funny, Justin. When did you get to be so funny?
: Your older brother is a peach. Kevin Walker
: Younger. Sarah Whedon
: Thanks for the compliment. Kevin Walker
: It's not a compliment to you, it's an insult to me. Scotty Wandell
: Hardly! I like older guys.
: You know, you almost have to love the irony; you're right where I was with you a few months ago. Kevin Walker
: You know, you ended things with me, Scotty. Scotty Wandell
: Now you know how hard it is to love someone who doesn't love himself. I feel sorry for you.
] Scotty Wandell
: Good luck, Kevin.
: Are you in pain? Justin Walker
: No, no. They gave me a nerve block, so I don't feel anything from the waist down. Kevin Walker
: Great. At least the female population of Pasadena will be safe for a while.
: You're not over him, Kev. At least that's what it feels like to me. Kevin Walker
: Okay, maybe I'm not over Jason, completely. But I am getting there. Scotty, I want to be with you. Scotty Wandell
: Me too. But sometimes just because you want something doesn't mean it's possible.
: Kevin, Roy was just saying how much he loved Kitty's book. Kevin Walker
: Oh well, she does have a great political mind. Wouldn't you say Robert? Robert McCallister
: One of the reasons I married her. Roy Scovell
: My sister gave it to me. She's a Democrat and I'm a Republican so... Sarah Walker
[rolls her eyes
] Robert McCallister
] Oh this keeps getting better and better.
: Okay, fine. How's tomorrow night? Scotty Wandell
: My boyfriend and I might have plans, but I'll check. Kevin Walker
: He can come too, he was kinda hot. How's seven thirty? Scotty Wandell
: Geriatric. Let's say nine.
: I should have a black eye for as long as possible to remind me never to be such a chivalrous ass. Kevin Walker
: I wish I was a chivalrous ass instead of being just wholly an ass.
: I know, I know, we're from different generations, and I'm sure you think I had things a lot easier. And whatever it is you need from me, I'm here for you. Saul Holden
: Okay. Kevin Walker
: But you don't have to hide anything. Saul Holden
: Kevin. You have to understand, I'm not hiding anything from you. I'm not gay. I... I'm not gay.
[Sarah and Kevin on the phone, Tommy in the room with Kevin
] Sarah Walker
: Wanna hear something outlandish? Kevin Walker
: Ooh, I love outlandish. Sarah Walker
: Isaac wants mom to move to Washington with him. He's asking her tonight. Tommy Walker
: What is he, crazy? Sarah Walker
: Hi Tommy! You don't think mom would really leave Paige and Coop, do you? Tommy Walker
: Hello! What about Elizabeth? Kevin Walker
: Oh, get a grip. She'd never leave *me*!
: You know, for the first time in my life I went back into the closet after coming out. And you were absolutely right. It's a very dark place. Scotty Wandell
: Then don't do it again... or do, but you can't play the game and second-guess yourself at the same time. Either accept what you did because it'll get you what you want, or go in there tomorrow and tell them you're drawing a line in the sand. Make a decision. I don't care which one.
: Of all the situations you've ever put me in. He's a minister? Kitty Walker
: Yes, he's a minister. Have you never met a minister before? Kevin Walker
: I've never sucked face with one before.
: You can't buy someone's time. It's all tied to pride in the work ethic, like Sigmund Freud said. Kevin Walker
: What did Freud say? Amber Trachtenberg
: He said love and work are the cornerstones of our humanness. Kevin Walker
: Wow. Do people underestimate you a lot? Amber Trachtenberg
] Because of the hair.
: [to Scotty
] I didn't make partner. They gave it to someone else. And I couldn't say anything at dinner because I was so humiliated. This is by no means an excuse, but when I left work all I could think of was getting to you, because I knew once I'd see you I'd feel okay.
: What am I going to do, Kevin? Help me... Kevin Walker
: Okay, is there any chance you may have garlic, pasta, frozen peas and chicken broth? Kitty Walker
: No peas, but oh, you know what, I do have a little sage leftover from the dead chickens. Kevin Walker
: Okay, good. Then you can have a delicious meal ready in ten minutes that anyone in Milan would die for. And that was too gay a sentence even from me.