Fred G. Sanford
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Quotes for
Fred G. Sanford (Character)
from "Sanford and Son" (1972)

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"Sanford: Here Comes the Bride: Part 2 (#2.2)" (1981)
Fred G. Sanford: [shouting to Eve, who is walking out the door, leaving Fred standing by Esther] Look here, look here! Can't you take Esther with you? Put her in the trunk, use her for a spare!
[Turning to Esther]
Fred G. Sanford: Well, Esther, how ya doin', how ya feelin' and when you leavin'?
Aunt Esther Anderson: I just got here.
Fred G. Sanford: That's a good time to start leavin'.

Fred G. Sanford: Now you can stay in Los Angeles as long as you want to, but you're not gonna stay here in my empire.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Ain't no old gray-haired weaselly man gonna tell me that I'm not gonna stay in my sister's home!
Fred G. Sanford: Your sister Elizabeth passed over twenty years ago. Why don't you go stay with her?

Aunt Esther Anderson: I wanna see 'em 'cause seeing is believing.
Fred G. Sanford: No it ain't. I been seeing you for years and I still don't believe it.

Cal Pettie: [Holding Fred's marriage license] I gotta tell you something, Fred.
Fred G. Sanford: What?
Cal Pettie: It's gonna cause you a lot of pain. It's gonna break your little heart. It's gonna tear your guts out... It seems that Elizabeth signed where the witness was supposed to, and Esther signed where the bride was supposed to. That means you are married to Esther.
[Fred stunned, begins to stagger and suffer a heart attack]

Cal Pettie: Say, let me ask you a question. Whatever happened to Esther's real husband?
Fred G. Sanford: Woody? Oh, he died and went to heaven. He had to go to heaven because he caught all the hell there was while he was here with Esther.

Fred G. Sanford: [Voiceover introducing scenes from part one] Did you miss last week? I sure wish I did. Wait till you see the mess I found myself in.

Fred G. Sanford: [Driving the truck down a lonely rural highway] Where are we? We lost.
Cal Pettie: We ain't lost, we're 200 miles outside of Fremont, Missouri. Look, according to this map here, we're running right alongside this mountain range.
Fred G. Sanford: That ain't no mountain range, that's a mustard smudge.

Judge: [Presiding before Fred and Esther] Well, just look at ya. You've been married so long you're beginning to look like each other.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, Judge, if that's the case, forget the divorce, gimme the gas chamber!

Cal Pettie: Fred, these courtrooms make me nervous. They got all these unsolved crimes they're just dyin' to pin on somebody.
Fred G. Sanford: Don't worry, only thing they could pin on you would be a harpoon.

Fred G. Sanford: [singing while pouring himself a celebratory glass of Ripple] I'm no longer married / to that ugly bride / If the judge hadn't divorced us / I'd have committed suicide / I've got the ugly wife blues, whoa!


"Sanford and Son: Coffins for Sale (#1.9)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: I don't understand you kids today. If I had talked to my father the way you talk to me, you know what he'd have done?
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, he'd have given you one across the lip.
Fred G. Sanford: That's right. And he would've continued on down from there. He whipped from the lips to the hips.
Lamont Sanford: And you think that's the answer, huh?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, it might not be the answer, but it sure was no question when he finished.

Fred G. Sanford: [Discussing the coffins] And they ain't goin' in the house!
Lamont Sanford: Oh, yes they are!
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, no they're not. Over my dead body.
Lamont Sanford: Well, that's one sale we got.

Fred G. Sanford: [Discussing the coffins] You know anyone around who can use one?
Melvin: Well, if he can use it, he ain't no longer around.

Lamont Sanford: This is ridiculous! You're ridiculous and I'm ridiculous for being out here with you!
Fred G. Sanford: Then go back in the house.
Lamont Sanford: Don't be ridiculous.

Melvin: [Entering the house] Hi Fred, Hi Lamont
[sees the coffins in the living room]
Melvin: Bye Fred, Bye Lamont!
[Turns around and walks out]
Fred G. Sanford: Melvin, wait a minute! Come back here!

Lamont Sanford: What do you say pop?
Fred G. Sanford: Don't call me pop you don't sound like sound like no son of min you sound like the son of Frankenstein!

Fred G. Sanford: What about when all them pigeons gathered on top of Mrs.Johnson House, and I told you that was a bad sign. I said Mrs.Johnson not going to be around long, and within a year She was dead.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, Ms. Johnson was 97 years old
Fred G. Sanford: Well, The Pigeons knew it
Lamont Sanford: They Knew they had to take a rest. Pigeons can't fly forever.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, why they had to rest on top of her roof? You can't Answer that can you?


"Sanford and Son: The Older Woman (#4.23)" (1975)
Grady Wilson: [Upon seeing Fred in a neckbrace] Wha, what happened to your neck?
Fred G. Sanford: I had an accident in a truck.
Grady Wilson: Ohhh, whiplash. Did they hit ya from behind?
Fred G. Sanford: No. I was in a drive-in movie and I was tryin' to mess around with Fast Fanny and she hit me from the front. They call that "fistlash."

Grady Wilson: I've never seen Lamont act like that before. He's so calm, so serene and sweet.
Fred G. Sanford: I know it. Maybe there was a full moon and he got bit on the neck by the Flying Nun.

Fred G. Sanford: What's that I smell?
Lamont Sanford: Oh, that's probably my new cologne you smell, Pop. It's called "Days in Paris."
Fred G. Sanford: Well, it smell like "Nights in El Segundo."

Lady Customer: [In the dress shop, a customer holds up a wool dress and turns to Fred] Uh, sir, what would your reaction be to this dress?
Fred G. Sanford: A rash under my armpits.

Lamont Sanford: That's why you're you, and I'm me, and that's why I love you.
[Kisses Fred on cheek]
Fred G. Sanford: [Wiping kiss off] I don't play that.

Lamont Sanford: Look, have you decided on what you're gonna fix next Tuesday night for dinner?
Fred G. Sanford: Yes, I've decided. I'm gonna fix something new, something borrowed and something blue, because you're bringin' something old.


"Sanford and Son: My Brother-In-Law's Keeper (#4.20)" (1975)
Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is sitting at the table stunned after learning his sister married a white man] Hey, Pop, you look frozen.
Fred G. Sanford: Sure I'm frozen. I just got hugged and kissed by Snow Whitey.

Fred G. Sanford: [Bemoaning his sister's marriage] Why? Why? Who needs him? She coulda had the real thing, why live with a pale imitation?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: [Taking Fred's report of the suspected robbery] That is "thievin' honky." How do you spell that, "honky"?
Fred G. Sanford: Y-T.
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: Y...
[puzzled]
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: Y-T?
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah. Say it again: Y-T, Y-T.
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: Y-T, Y-T...
Fred G. Sanford: Whitey!

Lamont Sanford: [Referring to the bottle of liquor Fred took with him when he entered the kitchen after being hugged by Rodney] Pop? Don't drink it, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: I'm not going to drink it. I'm gonna pour it over my body and strike a match to it.

Fred G. Sanford: [Yelling out the door; not knowing the white man who came in with Frances is him] Hey Rodney!

Frances Victor: [after Fred insulted Rodney and he left; angered] Oh Fred!
[She walks out the door and Fred follows]
Frances Victor: Rodney? Rodney?
Fred G. Sanford: Ah, let him go.
Fred G. Sanford: [Yells the last word in the direction Rodney went] But Fred, he's my HUUUSBAAAAND!
Fred G. Sanford: [Freaking out] Would you shut up! I got neighbors!
[Runs inside and shuts the door]


"Sanford and Son: Pot Luck (#2.22)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [to Lamont] I hate to see you take advantage of people. This is Sanford and Son, not Shakedown and Son.

Emile Bonnet: [after offending Fred] I'm sorry. I didn't mean to laugh at you, but your son did make a funny.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, he's a regular 'Jerk' Benny.

Emile Bonnet: Buon giorno, Mr. Sanford!
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, bum journey to you too!

Fred G. Sanford: You see, son, always remember what the Bible says: "He that liveth by the sword shall be stucketh."

Fred G. Sanford: When it's supper time it's supper time when it's something else time it's something else time!

Lamont Sanford: You know the number Bonnet gave me it was to a McDonald's hamburger place.
Fred G. Sanford: The question is where is Mr.Bonnet? Maybe you should call McDonald's in Rome.


"Sanford and Son: The Reverend Sanford (#6.18)" (1977)
Fred G. Sanford: Upon this junk I shall build my church!

Fred G. Sanford: Now, when you come to my services, I'll save you a front seat.
Walter: Well, that's very nice of you, Mr. Sanford, but I'm of a different sect.
Fred G. Sanford: That's the trouble with the world today - too much sects.

Fred G. Sanford: [singing to the tune of "Bringing in the Sheaves"] Counting up the dough / Counting up the dough / We shall come rejoicing / Counting up the dough!

Uncle Woodrow 'Woody' Anderson: Say, listen, what kind of wine you gonna serve at the services?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, we have to keep the expenses down, so we'll serve fermented Kool Aid. And after the services, we'll open the cash bar for the Hallelujah Hour.

Fred G. Sanford: [Piously admonishing Woodrow and Bubba] Remember, an idle mind is the devil's workshop.
Bishop Lovelace: Well, put, Reverend. I'm glad to see a man who uses the Proverbs.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, sure. Proverbs, pronouns, adjectives, adverbs, I use 'em all.

Lamont Sanford: Where have you been?
Fred G. Sanford: [Piously] I've been in the chapel, meditating.
Lamont Sanford: We thought you fell in and baptized yourself.


"Sanford and Son: Fred Sanford, Legal Eagle (#3.15)" (1974)
Judge: You say, you're the counsel for the defendant?
[indicating Lamont]
Fred Sanford: I've been counseling him all his life, and I wanna ask this officer here a question.
[indicating the arresting officer]
Judge: Very well. Proceed.
Fred Sanford: Now here's the question.
[walks to the officer]
Fred Sanford: What have you got against black drivers?
Judge: [has to bang his gavel as the gallery erupts] Order! Order! I will not tolerate these outbursts!
[to Fred]
Judge: And you will restrict your inquiry to the matter before the court!
Fred Sanford: Well, that's what's wrong with the court, judge. A black man ain't got a chance down here.
Judge: I'm black.
Fred Sanford: Well, you the judge, that don't count.

Fred Sanford: [to Lamont] You got a ticket from a white man in a blue uniform, in a black neighborhood, and you're so mad you see red, and you won't fight it 'cause you're too yellow. Now what are you, a man or a box of crayons?

Fred Sanford: Listen, why don't you arrest some white drivers?
Cop: I do.
Fred Sanford: You do? Well, where are they? Look at all these niggas in here! Look around here! There's enough niggas in here to make a Tarzan movie!

Fred Sanford: [Commenting to Lamont about Mr. Lopez as the Mexican man steps before the judge] I bet he got a speeding ticket. Y'see, because when Mexicans get their car started they have to drive real fast to get where they're going before the car stalls again.

Fred Sanford: Are you really a lawyer?
Sonny Cochran: Well, some folks say I am a lawyer, while other folks say I ain't.
Fred Sanford: Who says you ain't?
Sonny Cochran: The State of California!


"Sanford and Son: The Engagement (#3.9)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [after telling Fred his in-laws are coming to the wedding] Look, Pop, will you stop worrying? They're not gonna be here that long.
Fred G. Sanford: That's what the Indians said when they first saw the white man comin'.

Fred G. Sanford: And you knew it, you planned it.
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute pop now don't jump to no conclusions.
Fred G. Sanford: All I'm jumping to is upside your head.
Fred G. Sanford: [Talking to Rev Tremble] Now look here Reverend you didn't preach no marriage but stick around you can preach the funeral!

Fred G. Sanford: [talking to Donna on the phone] I'll tell you what I'd like to do with that cake I'd like to shove it down Lamont's throat
Fred G. Sanford: [Lamont sneaks in the house and Fred sees him] You know what I said I wanted to do with that cake I'm going to do it
Fred G. Sanford: Lamont Sanford don't know it yet but he is about to star in a new version of deep throat

Fred G. Sanford: I knew if you invited them here there would be something like this I told you I knew it I knew.
Fred G. Sanford: [Looks at Lamont and realizes Lamont set the whole thing up] And you knew it you planned IT!
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute pop don't jump to no conclusions.
Fred G. Sanford: All I'm jumping to is up side your head!

Fred G. Sanford: [Referring to Esther] She going to bring Woody the wino?
Lamont Sanford: Yea I believe so.
Fred G. Sanford: That does it I'm going to have to hide my Ripple, my Gin, my Bourbon ,my Rye, going to have to hide my bug spray, my Draino.


"Sanford and Son: The Escorts (#5.19)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: Sanford's the name, escorting is my game.
Mrs. Willis: You want to be a Gramercy escort?
Fred G. Sanford: Does President Ford need a personality?
Mrs. Willis: [Pleasantly] Well, I'm sorry, but I don't think you're what I'm looking for.
[coldly]
Mrs. Willis: I don't think you're what *anybody's* looking for.

Mrs. Willis: [to Fred and Elroy] I think I'm running out of time for both of you.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, don't worry about that. If you ever need more time, look at a clock - it'll stop.

Mrs. Willis: [In response to Fred claiming to be a doctor] If you're a doctor then I'm an airline pilot.
Fred G. Sanford: I can believe that. I can believe that by the excess baggage in your tail section.

Fred G. Sanford: [Dejected, Fred confides to Lamont] The women who want Don Juan, don juan me.

Fred G. Sanford: [wearing a snazzy zoot suit] Look, son, do I look like somethin' that stepped outta Esquire?
Lamont Sanford: No, you look more like something that was kicked out of El Segundo.


"Sanford and Son: Fuentes, Fuentes, Sanford & Chico (#3.7)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [Discouraging his son from eating breakfast at Julio's] Son, come here, let me tell you something. Now, if the Lord had intended you to eat Puerto Rican food, he'd have lined your stomach with Pepto Bismol.

Fred G. Sanford: [Suggesting a name for Lamont and Julio's business] I'll tell you what you should call it - Julio and damn foolio.

Mrs. Fuentes: Buenas dias, Mr. Sanford!
Fred G. Sanford: And bony knees to you, too.

Fred G. Sanford: There they are, the four new business partners: Fuentes, Fuentes, Chico and Dummo!

Fred G. Sanford: [Describing his bed at the flophouse] This bed is so full of bugs, I feel like I'm sleeping at the watergate!


"Sanford and Son: Lamont in Love (#5.18)" (1976)
Bubba Bexley: [Describing a film to Fred] The part of the concerned father was played by that great athlete Charles Laughton, who played hunchback for Notre Dame.
Fred G. Sanford: Uh, Bubba, when you talk, don't use your mouth.

Lamont Sanford: Is this gonna be one of those conversations about the facts of life?
Fred G. Sanford: Yes.
Lamont Sanford: Whetre you tell me about the birds and the bees?
Fred G. Sanford: No. I want you to tell me about the bids and the bees, 'cause I ain't been stung in years.

Mrs. Hopkins: Well, I guess I better be off, yes?
Fred G. Sanford: Yes, you are a little off.

Fred G. Sanford: [In disguise as Colombo] I'm the Falcon. Peter Falcon.

Fred G. Sanford: Go on home, Esther, by yourself. See, you'll be safe 'cause it's "Be Kind To Someone Ugly Week."


"Sanford and Son: The Defiant One (#6.15)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: I'll go to a movie or somethin'.
Fred G. Sanford: There's a good one down at the Rialto. You oughtta go down there and see it. I think it's about a revolt in an old age home.
Lamont Sanford: Now that sounds hip. What's it called?
Fred G. Sanford: Caine Mutiny.

Aunt Esther Anderson: Now what do I do every year about this time?
Fred G. Sanford: Shed your skin?
Aunt Esther Anderson: No. I round up talent for my church show.
Fred G. Sanford: And that's where you belong - in a round-up.

Fred G. Sanford: [Addressing the salesman in a magic trick store] Maybe you can help me?
Salesman: I doubt it. We deal in tricks, not in miracles.
Fred G. Sanford: Uh, well, then you just the man I wanna see. See, somebody played a very dirty trick on me.
Salesman: I can see. Mother Nature.

Lamont Sanford: Why don't you each take an ear of corn and start at opposite ends?
Aunt Esther Anderson: I'd like some butter on my end.
Fred G. Sanford: What'cha want on the corn?

Fred G. Sanford: [to Chinese man in magic store, using very bad paraphrasing] Hi-ee, me and ug-lee, lockee in wristees, needee your helpee.
Chinese Man: [With nary a trace of accent] You don't need me, you need a speech therapist.


"Sanford and Son: Ebenezer Sanford (#5.12)" (1975)
Lamont Sanford: You are Scrooge. This is just like that story, 'Christmas Carol'.
Fred G. Sanford: What the Dickens are you talking about?

Aunt Esther Anderson: I have the feeling of Christmas!
Fred G. Sanford: And the face of Halloween!

Fred G. Sanford: I'm kinda sleepy, son.
Lamont Sanford: Naturally, you've been over-resting.

Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] We'll travel on the clouds, above the stars in the sky.
Fred G. Sanford: Unh-uh, I ain't smokin' any of that stuff.

Lamont Sanford: [as the Ghost of Christmas] This is your future, Fred Sanford.
Fred G. Sanford: That's me? All alone, no son, no friends?
Lamont Sanford: And do you know why?
Fred G. Sanford: No deodorant?


"Sanford and Son: The Infernal Triangle (#2.19)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [Addressing his father, who is drunk and singing] You're just full of songs tonight. And what else are you full of, Muscatel?
Fred G. Sanford: No. We were drinking Muscatel and Ripple. In fact, I call it Muscatipple.

Fred G. Sanford: Old folks got plenty of feelings. Just because a prune is wrinkled don't mean it ain't tasty.

Fred G. Sanford: Well, junk business is like show business. If I got some junk I gotta show it or I'm out the business.

Lamont Sanford: [after Fred returns from calling a cab at the neighbor's home] Pop, Judy and I are lovers!
Fred G. Sanford: [Stunned] But, I wasn't gone but five minutes.

Lamont Sanford: Hey, Pop, if women got all these bad qualities, how come you chase after 'em like you do?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, son, you know what the Bible says. Woman was made from a rib. I can live without a lot of things, but I can't live without ribs.


"Sanford: Private Lives (#2.11)" (1981)
Cal Pettie: When are you gonna grow up?
Fred G. Sanford: If I grew up, there wouldn't be room enough here for the both of us.

Grady Wilson: I know the perfect lady for you. My girlfriend's sister. She's from outta town and she's got a terrific personality.
Fred G. Sanford: Terrific personality? I know what that means. She looks like Leon Spinks.

Fred G. Sanford: [after talking with the bubble-headed Bunny] Grady, I would like to talk to you.
Grady Wilson: Sure, Fred.
Fred G. Sanford: No, back here by my baseball bat.

Bunny: Hey, whaddaya think I'm stupid or what?
Fred G. Sanford: Both.

Fred G. Sanford: [At the art gallery, looking at DeWitt's abstract sculpture] I wouldn't miss a chance to visit with a fellow junk dealer.
Evelyn Lewis: Fred, show some respect. My date happens to be the world-famous artist Bentley DeWitt.
Fred G. Sanford: How are you, Dent?
Bentley DeWitt: That's Bentley DeWitt, the third.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, if your parents are careful there won't be a fourth.


"Sanford and Son: Sergeant Gork (#5.23)" (1976)
Colonel Hiakowa: [to his prisoner Fred] All I want to know is when you are going to blow up the bridge over the river Kwai.
Fred G. Sanford: River Kwai? I never heard of it.
Colonel Hiakowa: You mean to tell me you never heard that famous song, "Kwai Me a River"?

Fred G. Sanford: [to Nazi Commander] Listen, you Nazi knockwurst, if you want to live with the master race, move to Watts!

Fred G. Sanford: Hello, son. Roger and I were just having a little talk.
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, I heard all about it, "Major." Cyanide capsules, truth drugs. I'm surprised Roger wasn't hurt.
Fred G. Sanford: Hurt?
Lamont Sanford: Hit by flying bull.

Fred G. Sanford: Uh, soldier?
Soldier: Yeeesssss?
Fred G. Sanford: You're a killer?
Soldier: No, I got these notches on my knife from spreading crunchy peanut butter.
Fred G. Sanford: You, watch you mouth! See, I go a black belt in karate, a green belt in judo, and a red belt in kung fu.
Soldier: [Points to Fred's gut] ... And a pot at the end of the rainbow!


"Sanford and Son: Tower Power (#4.12)" (1974)
Sandra: [Explaining an abstract sculpture] What you see here before you is, well, what's inside of the artist.
Fred G. Sanford: Maybe he needed a physic.

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred, who is building his tower] When I get back here tonight I expect this thing to be finished.
Fred G. Sanford: Finished? Son, you cannot put a time limit on creativity. Did Mrs. Bell say, "Hurry up, man, and invent the telephone; I gotta call my mother"? Did Mrs. Edison say, "Hurry up, man, will you get that light bulb fixed, 'cause it's getting dark in here"?

Lamont Sanford: [Beholding Fred's tower] This is an ugly mess that you made here, man.
Fred G. Sanford: You don't know nothin' about judgin' art. You the only one in kindergarten that flunked Clay.

Fred G. Sanford: [to the scowling Aunt Esther] Let me tell you somethin', Esther. Every time I see you it makes me wish birth control was retroactive.


"Sanford: To Keep a Thief (#2.12)" (1981)
Fred G. Sanford: [On the phone] Operator? Give me the police.
Eddie: Oh, man, you ain't gonna turn me over to the cops, are ya?
Fred G. Sanford: Naw, I'm callin' for your protection.
Eddie: My protection?
Fred G. Sanford: That's right. I'm doin' it because if the police don't get here on the double, your butt is in a lot of trouble.

Miss Pender: [the social worker pleads with the judge] Your honor, Eddie really hasn't had much of a chance. Why, he even lives with an uncle who's a hopeless alcoholic.
Fred G. Sanford: He'd drive anybody to drink.
Miss Pender: Mr. Sanford! Where is your heart?
Fred G. Sanford: Probably in that little thief's pocket.

Fred G. Sanford: [Describing his underprivileged childhood] When I was his age, Christmas 1936, my Dad gave me an empty box. Later that night came back and took it, gave it to my brother. It was six of us kids slept in the same bed. I was never cold and I was never dry. One December it rained and snowed. It was so cold. I didn't even have a sled, so I slid down the hill on my cousin.

Fred G. Sanford: The point is, your honor, I always did the right thing. That's what led to my present position at Sanford Industries, Incorporated. You might say I'm at the top of the heap.
Miss Pender: That's all fine, Mr. Sanford, but what you're saying is not germane to the issue.
Fred G. Sanford: What does Germany got to do with this? The war is over!


"Sanford: Cal's Diet: Part 2 (#1.13)" (1980)
Rollo Larson: [In the Gab n' Grab Singles Bar] Hey, Cal, Pops. Hey, you fellas out cruisin' for chicks or are you two together?
Fred G. Sanford: Both. Y'see, Rollo, Cal needs a girlfriend, so Cal is on the prowl for some fowl.

Fred G. Sanford: [Unfolding a piece of paper Cal accidentally dropped, begins reading it aloud] "To Katie: Roses are red / violets are purple / you're as sweet as maple surple / When we're together my hearts all a'quiver / I love you more than onions and liver / You have made my heart start tickin' / I love you more than the Colonel's chicken." No doubt about who wrote that!

Fred G. Sanford: I like you. And besides, it's better to watch TV with someone else. And they got some TV on tonight.
Cal Pettie: Oh, yeah? What's on?
Fred G. Sanford: A couple of blockbusters. Two blockbusters. The first one is "Gidget Fidgets with a Midget in the Mud." And the co-feature is "Godzilla Eats the Ayotollah."
Cal Pettie: I wouldn't want to miss that.

Fred G. Sanford: [Sitting down to watch TV together] Hey, I'll go get you a pie.
Cal Pettie: No, no, uh-uh. That's the old Cal. This is the new Cal, who is low-cal.


"Sanford and Son: The Stung (#4.22)" (1975)
Rollo Larson: Hey, Pops, how's it goin'?
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, it's pretty good, Rollo. Crime outside went down 50 percent.
Rollo Larson: Why?
Fred G. Sanford: Because you inside.

Al Banks: [Catching up with his old friend Fred] Right now I'm living with my daughter and son-in-law in their little old apartment.
Fred G. Sanford: Sound like a couple of nice kids.
Al Banks: Oh, yeah, they're nice alright. And they're always giving me presents, like bus tickets for anywhere.

Rollo Larson: [after admitting Fred's prank fooled them] Nice goin', Pops.
Fred G. Sanford: I'm not Pops; I'm lolli-Pops, and you're the four all-day suckers.

Julio Fuentes: Feel better, Mr. Sanford. Hasta Luego!
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, and Guy Lombardo to you!


"Sanford and Son: This Little TV Went to Market (#3.5)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: You were nice enough to give me a tip about my TV, so I'm gonna give you a tip. You got a lot of equipment on that truck, right?
TV Repairman: Yeah.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, here's my tip: get out of this neighborhood before it gets dark.
TV Repairman: [Chuckling] I don't worry about that. I'm bonded.
Fred G. Sanford: And that's how they'll find you - bonded and gagged.

Grady Wilson: You stubborn, bull-headed, old buzzard!
Fred G. Sanford: Who you callin' old?

Fred G. Sanford: You crazy, Grady. We oughta call you Crazy Grady.

TV Repairman: [First lines] Well, I've got good news and bad news. The good news is, it won't cost you anything to get this repaired.
Fred G. Sanford: What's the bad news?
TV Repairman: It can't be repaired.


"Sanford and Son: Fred & Carol and Fred & Donna (#2.13)" (1972)
Carol Davis: It's amazing how time flies when the conversation is interesting, isn't it?
Carol Davis: Yeah, like sand in the hourglass, so are the days of our lives.
Carol Davis: Fred, that's very poetic. Did you just make that up?
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, no. That's the words MacDonald Carey lives by every day at 12:30, 11:30 Central.

Fred G. Sanford: Listen, Lamont, I'm not married. I still gotta sow some wild oats.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, at your age you ain't got no wild oats; you got shredded wheat.
Fred G. Sanford: Okay, so I got shredded wheat, but I still got a whole lot of snap, crackle and pop left.

Fred G. Sanford: Listen, y'know I had an uncle who was a Catholic. I don't know if I told you that he had water on the knee, that's why he had to give it up.

Fred G. Sanford: Listen, I went through a lot of expense to make this a romantic evening. I even got some pink Champagne chilling in the refrigerator.
Lamont Sanford: You bought Champagne?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, not really. It's really ginger ale and Ripple. See, I call it Champipple.


"Sanford and Son: The Stakeout (#6.4)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: [Excitedly discussing Miss Wallace] And that fantastic body!
Bubba Bexley: Calm down, Fred, calm down! There's plenty of fish in the sea.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, but Bubba, I'm 68 years old and my hook is beginning to rust.

Lamont Sanford: What's for breakfast?
Fred G. Sanford: What would you like?
Lamont Sanford: Well, I'd like to have some eggs, and some toast and some coffee.
Fred G. Sanford: Me too. We're havin' Pop Tarts and Tang.

Bubba Bexley: Say, Lamont told me about the $1,000 reward. What you gonna do with your half?
Fred G. Sanford: Bubba, I'm gonna be very patriotic.
Bubba Bexley: You gonna buy savings bonds?
Fred G. Sanford: I'm gonna spend it like a drunken sailor.

Fred G. Sanford: [Sees Sgt. Perkins come out with a tray piled with food] Oh no. Not again? Man, you gonna eat me into the poor house!
Sgt. Perkins: [Without looking] You're being reimbursed.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, but at the rate you're going, they'll have to give me El Segundo.


"Sanford and Son: The Shootout (#2.9)" (1972)
Howard Goldstein: [Watching "Let's Make a Deal" on television where a contestant picked the losing door] Lady's just stupid.
Howard Goldstein: wait a minute, Fred. Why do you say that?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, how many smart people do you know be dressed like a pizza? and another thing that makes her stupid is she listened to you.
Howard Goldstein: You're not so smart either. What about yesterday on "Jeopardy" when you told that woman that Sherlock Holmes is a famous housing development?

Lamont Sanford: [Handing Fred an antique rifle] That's an original Revolutionary War rifle. I picked it up at an auction for fifty bucks.
Fred G. Sanford: You paid fifty bucks for this?
Lamont Sanford: Pop, this is an original Revolutionary War rifle. It's called a "Brown Bess."
Fred G. Sanford: And they sold it to a brown dummy.

Fred G. Sanford: Who don't know about guns?
Lamont Sanford: You don't.
Fred G. Sanford: Are you kiddin'? World War I, Fred B. Sanford...
Lamont Sanford: "B. Sanford"? What's the "B" for?
Fred G. Sanford: Bullseye. Machine gunner, World War I. Rifleman. Pistol expert. Now how 'bout that?
Lamont Sanford: Well, that's not the way I heard it. It was World War II and it was Fred B. Sanford alright, but the "B" wasn't for "Bullseye."

Fred G. Sanford: How many times you see pictures of Jesus and he's white?
Lamont Sanford: What about it?
Fred G. Sanford: That's wrong, too, 'cause you can't hang around Jerusalem no thirty-some years and don't wear no hat and stay white.


"Sanford and Son: A Pain in the Neck (#5.22)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: [When Lamont suggests acupuncture] And now look at this, my only son's tryin' to get me shish-kabobed!

Panjib: May the river of your age soon spend itself out and disport you on the sands of eternal well-being.
Fred G. Sanford: And may the muddy waters of the Mississippi run up your Taj and out your Mahal.

Doctor: This is remarkable! A total body acupuncture cure.
Fred G. Sanford: That's right, Doc, and by a cactus, not you.
Doctor: So?
Fred G. Sanford: So I suggest you acupuncture your bill.
Doctor: I don't understand.
Fred G. Sanford: Stick it.

Panjib: [Trying to teach Fred a yoga position called the "Flower of Traquility] Are you having a problem with your Flower of Tranquility?
Fred G. Sanford: [Sound of ripping fabric] No, I'm having a problem with my Fruit of the Looms!


"Sanford and Son: Fred Sanford Has a Baby (#5.16)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: Listen, I am the big biz whiz of Watts.
Lamont Sanford: You're the big biz whiz of Watts, huh?
Fred G. Sanford: Allow me to introduce myself: J. Paul Ghetto.

Fred G. Sanford: [Muttering after a persistent door knocker cuts short Fred's hugging and kissing Donna] Just my kinda luck. Knockus interruptus.

Fred G. Sanford: [Contesting Bubba's play in Scrabble] There's no such word as "gazinta"!
Bubba Bexley: There is so. It's an arithmetic word.
Fred G. Sanford: Gazinta?
Bubba Bexley: Sure. Two gazinta four; four gazinta eight.
Fred G. Sanford: [Raising fist] And five gazinta your lips!

Louwella: [Fred asleep on couch, Louwella quickly descends the stairs] Mr. Sanford! Mr. Sanford, wake up! Wake up, Mr. Sanford, wake up! I think it's time.
Fred G. Sanford: [Groggy] Yes, the Late Show! Turn it on, turn it on!
Louwella: No, Mr. Sanford, I'm talking about my baby.
Fred G. Sanford: Turn it off! Turn it off!
Louwella: I can't help it. The pains are coming closer and closer together.
Fred G. Sanford: [Staggering with a heart attack] Mine too! Oh! This might be the Big One!


"Sanford and Son: Della, Della, Della (#5.7)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: What this neighborhood doesn't need is another campaign headquarters. It needs a junkyard! As long as I have breath in my body, strength in my arms, and love in my heart for my fellow man, I'm gonna give 'em junk!

Fred G. Sanford: [to Mr. Hutton] If Della Reese is your niece, my son is Atilla the Hun.

Della Reese: [to Fred, who is suffering a heart attack] Can I call you "Fred"?
Fred G. Sanford: Fred? Did'ja hear that, Elizabeth? Della called me Fred! Uh, Honey, can you find something to do for a couple hours?

Fred G. Sanford: [after singing a few lines with Della] I wanna ask ya, do I remind you of Billy Eckstine?
Della Reese: Only when you mentioned his name.


"Sanford and Son: A Visit from Lena Horne (#2.16)" (1973)
Lena Horne: I didn't mean to startle you, but what are you doing in my dressing room?
Fred G. Sanford: Right now I'm having a heart attack.

Fred G. Sanford: See, Miss Horne, I'm a fan of yours, I mean a real big fan. I saw your movie "Stormy Weather" 38 times.
Lena Horne: You're joking. You mean to tell me you paid to see "Stormy Weather" 38 times?
Fred G. Sanford: No, I only paid once. I went in on a Saturday and came out on a Wednesday evening.

Lena Horne: [Discussing Lamont] Well, doesn't he go to school?
Fred G. Sanford: Not anymore. He's a drop in.
Lena Horne: You mean a drop out?
Fred G. Sanford: No, a drop in. He dropped in a few times then he just quit.

Lena Horne: [Asking about "little" Lamont] Oh, is he asleep?
Fred G. Sanford: Just went to sleep.
Lena Horne: Oh, I'm so sorry. I could've helped put him into his 'jammies.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, he would have liked that.


"Sanford and Son: The Over-the-Hill Gag (#4.24)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: [to an elderly woman in a doctor's waiting room] Say, Miss, I might be able to save you a little money on this appointment that you got. You know what's wrong with you? You got poor circulation, that's what's wrong. If you'd take that girdle off, your hair wouldn't turn blue.

Fred G. Sanford: [Threatening Lamont with both fists] See these? I'm donating ten to the March of Dummies.

Fred G. Sanford: [Fred enters and stands between Ah Chew and Aunt Esther] My two favorite diseases in the same room: yellow jaundice and the Black Plague.

Fred G. Sanford: [Upon seeing Aunt Esther] There must be some mistake, 'cause this isn't my Lena - it's somebody's hyena!


"Sanford and Son: Fred the Activist (#6.20)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: Honest Hal? Pop, with a name like Honest Hal, he couldn't possibly be honest.
Fred G. Sanford: Why not? Tricky Dicky was tricky.

Clarence: [Fred opens the door and an old man and two elderly women enter] Are you Fred Sanford?
Fred G. Sanford: Uh, yeah. Who are you all, Tony Orlando and Twilight?

Rose: Do you believe in action?
Fred G. Sanford: Not with you, Polident-puss!

Hank: If you call off your pickets, we'll give you a stereo free.
Lamont Sanford: Hey, my Pop wouldn't sell out the Gray Foxes for a mere stereo.
Fred G. Sanford: Uh, yeah, you're right, son. However, if you threw in a free record collection...
Lamont Sanford: But Pop?
Hank: Anything you want!
Fred G. Sanford: You got any Isaac Hayes and Leslie Uggams?
Hank: We certainly do!
Lamont Sanford: What about ethics and morality?
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, throw them in too with Earth, Wind & Fire.


"Sanford and Son: The Puerto Ricans Are Coming! (#2.8)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: You know what the Puerto Rican national anthem is? "We'll take Manhattan, the Bronx, and Staten Island, too..."

Lamont Sanford: Now Julio's a nice guy. He don't want no trouble.
Fred G. Sanford: Julio? That his name.
Lamont Sanford: That's right. Julio Fuentes.
Fred G. Sanford: Julio Fuentes. That don't sound like no name, that sound like somethin' you get from drinkin' their water.

Fred G. Sanford: So you can say adios to your Puerto Rican Marx Brothers: Julio, Chico and Mafungo!

Lamont Sanford: All I know is you're turning against a man because he happens to be from another country. Now how would you like it if the next door turned against people from Africa?
Fred G. Sanford: I don't care, long as he don't turn against people from St. Louis.


"Sanford and Son: Lamont Goes African (#2.17)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [Lamont lays down the law to his lazy father] We gonna get some oojima in this house starting today.
Fred G. Sanford: [Puzzled] Some who?
Lamont Sanford: Some oojima.
Fred G. Sanford: [Turning to his friend] Bubba, you ever hear of oojima?
Bubba Bexley: No, but I know Big Jima.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, she's the stripper over at that topless joint.
Bubba Bexley: [Both men clap their hands and laugh] Yeah!

Fred G. Sanford: [addressing his dashiki-wearing son] So what's your original new name?
Lamont Sanford: Kalunda.
Fred G. Sanford: Ka-who?
Lamont Sanford: Kalunda.
Fred G. Sanford: If you think I'm gonna change the sign from Sanford and Son to Sanford and Kalunda you're crazy.

Fred G. Sanford: Listen, Lamont...
Lamont Sanford: Not Lamont! Kalunda! Kah-loon-dah. Say it.
Fred G. Sanford: Calendar.

Lamont Sanford: [explaining to Fred why there is African art, shields and masks in the living room] A man's home is supposed to reflect his culture.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, if you want to reflect MY culture, put up a picture of Billy Eckstine and Joe Louis.


"Sanford and Son: Aunt Esther Meets Her Son (#6.12)" (1976)
Aunt Esther Anderson: I need help!
Fred G. Sanford: Help? I'm just a junkman, not a plastic surgeon.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Please, Fred, I need your truck.
Fred G. Sanford: I agree. Son, you take the truck and run over Esther's face.

Fred G. Sanford: I learned the day after Lamont was born that it's much harder to be a father than it is to become one.

Uncle Woodrow 'Woody' Anderson: [as Esther and Daniel come into the store, Woody turns to Fred] Does he look tough to you?
Fred G. Sanford: Hard to tell. Standing next to Esther, King Kong would look like John-Boy.

Daniel: [to Lamont, referring to Esther throwing him out] She told me, "Get out of my house, heathen!"
Fred G. Sanford: [Butting in] That'll do it.
Lamont Sanford: Why? What happened?
Daniel: I just told her I didn't believe in God, that's all.
Fred G. Sanford: That's all? Telling Esther there's no God is like telling Jimmy Carter there's no more toothpaste!


"Sanford and Son: When John Comes Marching Home (#6.17)" (1977)
Fred G. Sanford: I remember your wedding, Esther. Never forget it. Three ushers were crushed trying to help give you away.
Aunt Esther Anderson: How would you know, Fred Sanford? You spent the whole night with your face over the punch bowl.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, and when you took your veil off, Woodrow spent the whole night with his face over the toilet bowl.
Aunt Esther Anderson: You just jealous because you didn't catch my garter.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, that's because when you threw it, it was so stretched out you lassoed the band.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Watch it, suckah.
Fred G. Sanford: And at the time, the band was playing your song. Never forget it. The love theme from "King Kong."

Fred G. Sanford: [Upon opening the door and impressed by a man in military uniform] I'm Fred G. Sanford, and the "G" stands for Guadalcanal. Wanna see my diary?
John, Janet's Ex-Husband: Were you a veteran?
Fred G. Sanford: That's right.
John, Janet's Ex-Husband: Oh, did you see much action?
Fred G. Sanford: Only on leave.

Fred G. Sanford: It's all coming back to me now. I remember crashing into the Pacific in 1942.
John, Janet's Ex-Husband: You mean a Zero shot you down out of the skies at Iwo Jima?
Fred G. Sanford: No, a bigot threw me off the pier at El Segundo.


"Sanford and Son: Earthquake II (#5.1)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: [Rebuffing Lamont's fears of an earthquake damaging their home] This place is solid as a rock, a fortress, like they say, "in time the Rockies may tumble, Gibraltar may crumble, they only made of clay, but
[spreading arms and bursting into song]
Fred G. Sanford: my junk is here to stay"!

Fred G. Sanford: Eathquakes on the coast, 120-degree temperatures on the desert; they oughtta change the name of California to Shake n' Bake, USA!

Fred G. Sanford: [Starstruck Fred to Steve & Eydie] Listen, if you're ever in Los Angeles, feel free to call on me.
Steve Lawrence: Thanks, but I'd rather use a phone.


"Sanford and Son: Superflyer (#3.8)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [Examining the contents of Fred's pocket after he set off the airport metal detector] A crucifix? A St. Christopher's medal? A Star of David? A Crescent of Islam? And a Buddha?
Fred G. Sanford: [Bringing up his hand] And a mojo.
Lamont Sanford: [Exasperated] What do you need all these things for?
Fred G. Sanford: Flight insurance. Y'see, down here on the ground I'm a Baptist, but up there I ain't takin' no chances.

Lamont Sanford: [In response to Fred's insulting remarks about Uncle Leotis] C'mon, Pop, show some respect. The man just died.
Fred G. Sanford: One less ugly person in the world! And he was ugly. He looked like a fried monkey in the face. Had an old peanut-shaped head; every time it rained it had a big puddle of water in the middle of it.

Fred G. Sanford: [In response to Mr. Menton's asking Fred if he enjoyed the flight] It was all right, but I spent most of the time in the toilet.
Mr. Menton: Oh, were you ill?
Fred G. Sanford: Uh, no. I just got done and I was on my way out and the sign flashed on saying,"return to seat," so I sat back down.


"Sanford: Fred Has the Big One (#2.3)" (1981)
Fred G. Sanford: I don't feel good today. Y'see, my neuritis is shakin' hands with my bursitis, and they're both gangin' up on my arthritis.

Fred G. Sanford: [Discussing funeral arrangements] One other thing, and this is real important. Make sure Lena Horne sings at my funeral.
Cal Pettie: Lena Horne? Why?
Fred G. Sanford: Because when she gets to that part, "It's the wrong place, it's the wrong time, though you're lips are tempting." See, when you get those "lips are temptin'," when you get to that part and I don't raise up and start dancin', bury me 'cause I'm dead.

Fred G. Sanford: [while dialing the emergency number] Elizabeth, remember all those times I told you I was comin' ta join ya, honey? I ain't lyin' this time!


"Sanford and Son: Committee Man (#6.7)" (1976)
Bubba Bexley: Hi, Fred!
Fred G. Sanford: That's Committee Man Fred.
Bubba Bexley: What did you commit?
Fred G. Sanford: I'm committing you, Bubba, to the home where the senile roam.

Mrs. Channing: Well, I never!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, maybe if you try wearin' a mask.

Fred G. Sanford: You see, saving junk is my specialty.
Mr. Wilkins: Yes, I can tell by your outfit.


"Sanford and Son: The Great Sanford Siege (#1.8)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: [shouting through the door to collection agent Hamlin, who is threatening to force his way in] You'll be in a lot of trouble,' cause we gotta lot of friends in washington, D.C.!
Lamont Sanford: That's right!
[Suddenly puzzled, looks at Fred]
Lamont Sanford: We have?
Fred G. Sanford: We must have; it's 80% black.

Fred G. Sanford: Oh, you can't take my refrigerator! That's where I keep my applejack. There's nothing in the world worse than warm applejack and no TV.

Fred G. Sanford: [Repeated line] Put it back in the mailbox.


"Sanford and Son: I Dream of Choo Choo Rabinowitz (#6.5)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: Pop, you were never on the Harlem Globetrotters!
Fred G. Sanford: Yes, I was. You just don't remember, because when I was dribbling with the Globetrotters, you were slam dunking in your diapers.

Fred G. Sanford: I always get along swell with schoolteachers. I can't wait to meet her so I can clap her erasers.

Bubba Bexley: [Stopping Fred from relaxing in his chair] That's the worst thing you can do is get comfortable. What you need to do is to be around things that make you jumpy, things that annoy you, things that make your skin crawl.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, what are you waiting for? Call Esther!


"Sanford and Son: Grady, the Star Boarder (#3.12)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [In response to Fred's planning a romantic getaway with Donna to Disneyland] Yeah, but I'd like to know what's so romantic about Disneyland?
Fred G. Sanford: Disneyland Motel.
Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man, you know that?
Fred G. Sanford: And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.

Fred G. Sanford: [Fred reading a recipe from the newspaper's food section] Here it is right here. It says, "Tempt your guests with this delicious, appetizing horse diver."
Lamont Sanford: Wait a minute, let me see that. That's not "horse diver." It's French. That's horz dee ovary.

Fred G. Sanford: [to Grady, who's vigorously blowing his nose] Grady, will you stop that? You gonna blow something out your head that you need.


"Sanford: Freeway (#2.8)" (1981)
Fred G. Sanford: [singing during a thunderstorm] Rain rain go away / come again some other day / I hate it when it's damp and rainy / go dump on the Ayatollah Khomeini!

Fred G. Sanford: They ain't gonna flatten this place! Listen, barricade the door, lock the windows and get me a shotgun because they're not gonna take the Fred G. Sanford home while I'm alive!
Cal Pettie: That's the same thing General Custer said.

Cal Pettie: We gotta get all your neighbors together.
Fred G. Sanford: That's a good idea, 'cause we got some real good, hard-working neighbors, nice, polite, intelligent people.
Cal Pettie: All right, I'll tell ya what, I'll give 'em a call and get 'em right over here.
Fred G. Sanford: Wait a minute, I don't want them creeps here in my home!


"Sanford: Cal's Illegal Alien (#2.10)" (1981)
Fred G. Sanford: [to Cal, who walks in while Fred is watching a soap opera on TV] Quiet. John is leaving Sally for Eric the ski instructor.
Cal Pettie: What?
Fred G. Sanford: See, John is a trisexual.
Cal Pettie: Trisexual?
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah. He tried it and he liked it.

Manny: Buenas dias, Fred.
Fred G. Sanford: Bones and knees, neighbor.

Fred G. Sanford: You act like you got a crush on Maria.
Cal Pettie: Oh, that's ridiculous. Why would you say a thing like that?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, you looked at her like she was a large Twinkie.


"Sanford and Son: Going Out of Business (#4.6)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: [to Lamont] Remember that show we saw on TV with that lady that was living with a family of chimpanzees, uh, Jane Goodall? I think it was called "Goodall in the Family."

Fred G. Sanford: [Coming into the living room and frustrated to find Lamont has brought Ah Chew with him] Gee whiz, you here again? Listen, why do you always hang out with him? You gonna wind up catching yellow jaundice.
Ah Chew: Hey, what have you got, man? Black Plague?

Lamont Sanford: [after Fred tells Lamont how he's going to make big money by writing his autobiography] You mean to tell me you think people are gonna pay their hard-earned cash to read about "The Memoirs of Fred Sanford"?
Fred G. Sanford: I'm not gonna call it that. I've got some tricky names that I'm gonna put in there. Wanna hear 'em?
Lamont Sanford: No.
Fred G. Sanford: How about, uh, "The Junkcorcist"?
Lamont Sanford: Good night, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: [shouting after Lamont, who has left the kitchen] I know what I'll call it. I'll name it after you - "The Day of the Jackass"!


"Sanford and Son: Sanford and Son and Sister Makes Three (#2.11)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: [Lamont is dating Alice, whom might be his sister due to Juanita telling Fred that Alice is his daughter] Over a hundred million women in this country and the dummy had to fall in love with his sister!

Lamont Sanford: Hey, I dance myself.
Alice: Do you really?
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, I can do the Robot, the Good Foot, the Booty Bump, the Crutch and the Hip.
Fred G. Sanford: That don't sound like no dance; that sounds like a serious accident.

Fred G. Sanford: If I was to marry Juanita, and you was to marry Alice, Juanita would be my wife, your step-mother and mother-in-law, and Alice would be my daughter and step-daughter. Now that's just too damn much family in this little house!


"Sanford and Son: Whiplash (#2.2)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: Did you ever try cruising through Beverly Hills?
Lamont Sanford: No, but I can if I want to.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, you do that, and you'll come away feeling like a cheap watch.
Lamont Sanford: And just what is that supposed to mean?
Fred G. Sanford: It means you'll be stopped every few seconds.

Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont calls Fred a phony] I'm not fakin'! I really got a pain in the neck.
Lamont Sanford: You have, huh?
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, and the more I talk to you it moves downward.

Fred G. Sanford: You don't believe nothin'. Even when you was a kid, you didn't even believe in Santa Claus.
Lamont Sanford: Well, you were the one that was responsible for that.
Fred G. Sanford: Who, me?
Lamont Sanford: Yes, you. You told me there was no Santa Claus.
Fred G. Sanford: I ain't told you there was no Santa Claus. I said wouldn't no white man be coming 'round in our neighborhood wearing no red velvet suit at 12 o'clock.


"Sanford: Cal's Diet: Part 1 (#1.12)" (1980)
Fred G. Sanford: [Trying to get rid of Cal before Eve arrives] Why don't you go to the movies? Why don't you see "Apocalypse Then"?
Cal Pettie: You mean "Now"?
Fred G. Sanford: I mean right now.

Fred G. Sanford: Why look, Cal, you know that old saying, "Two's company and three's a crowd"?
Cal Pettie: Yeah.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, in your case, two's company and three's a cattle drive.

Cal Pettie: Obviously this diet don't work! It's a thyroid condition!
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, y'see, your thighs is pressin' your 'roids up in your stomach.


"Sanford and Son: The Dowry (#2.3)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [Looking through a photo album] Is that Cousin Grady?
Fred G. Sanford: No, that's your Uncle Toot. See, Uncle Toot was a chef on the Titanic, but he never got a chance to cook nothin'.

Betty Jean: [Describing her Weight Watchers meetings] We talk about what we didn't eat.
Fred G. Sanford: I bet that's a short conversation.

Fred G. Sanford: [In the kitchen discussing Betty Jean] That's a big girl, ain't it, son?
Lamont Sanford: And she say she lost 40 pounds.
Fred G. Sanford: If she look behind her, she'll find it.


"Sanford and Son: A Guest in the Yard (#2.12)" (1972)
Fred Sanford: [Finding Gus in a bathtub outside after being thrown out once before] Now get up out of there!
Gus: I'm going. But just know I'll never contribute to the NAACP!
Fred Sanford: Good, and I'll never contribute to the KKK!

Lamont Sanford: Hey, now that's blackmail!
Fred Sanford: No, that's whitemail!

Lamont Sanford: Haven't you ever heard of the Good Samaritan?
Fred Sanford: You know I don't like them Japanese movies.
Lamont Sanford: That's Samaritan, not samurai!


"Sanford and Son: My Kingdom for a Horse (#4.8)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [Demanding an explanation for the horse in the kitchen] Pop, I want an answer!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, that's simple.
Lamont Sanford: I don't want a lie.
Fred G. Sanford: That makes it harder.

Fred G. Sanford: [Explaining to Grady what a gelding is] He's fixed; he can't have no babies.
Grady Wilson: Why not?
Fred G. Sanford: Because he had a horseterectomy.

Lamont Sanford: You put my blanket on a horse?
Fred G. Sanford: You can get it back tonight.
Lamont Sanford: Well, what about the smell?
Fred G. Sanford: He didn't seem to mind it.


"Sanford and Son: The Piano Movers (#1.14)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: What war were you ever in?
Fred G. Sanford: World War II. I never got over it. Staggering, staggering under that 40-pound pack.
Lamont Sanford: Now you know you never left Fort Dix, New Jersey, and the only pack that made you stagger was a six-pack!

Fred G. Sanford: See, his guests don't have to worry about where they're gonna lean or where they gonna sit or walk on the carpet. They just fly around the room.

Man: [as Fred goes to sit in his expensive chair] Ah ah!
Lamont Sanford: [Almost sarcastically] It's a Chippendale. It's not made for sitting in.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, he should've got a Sears n Roebuck. They made for sitting in.


"Sanford and Son: Fred Sings the Blues (#6.23)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: Hey, Pop, why don't you face it, your songs are stupid!
Fred G. Sanford: They are not stupid. I write about real emotion. Things everyone knows and feels.
Lamont Sanford: [Looking at Fred's lyric sheet] "I Left My Heart in El Segundo"?

Fred G. Sanford: I've come a long way from St. Louie, but not far enough. B.B. King is gonna kill me!

Fred G. Sanford: [Upon the arrival of Esther and Woodrow] Just what I needed. A wino and a rhino.


"Sanford and Son: Fred, the Reluctant Fingerman (#3.3)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [Showing Lamont his latest culinary invention] This is a special blend of Swiss cheese and guacamole. I call it "Holy Moley."

Julio Fuentes: [Frustrated with Fred's unwillingness to help him] You know, my Bible says, "Do unto others as you would have others do unto you."
Fred G. Sanford: And my Bible says, "Don't do unto others if they ain't done unto you, because you might get done in doing it."

Lamont Sanford: When I was a kid, you was the one that always told me to "Love thy neighbor."
Fred G. Sanford: I didn't know the neighborhood was gonna change this fast.


"Sanford: Younger Than Springtime Am I (#1.6)" (1980)
Cal Pettie: You call that help?
Fred G. Sanford: At my age you don't give help, you accept it.

Fred G. Sanford: [Looking at the seemingly young doctor's driver's license for a date of birth] 1913? Why, that's the year I was born. What happened to me, Doc?
Marshall T. Gray: Nothing, Mr. Sanford, nothing. I'd say for a man of our years you're in excellent health.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, but you look you jumped off a box of Wheaties, and I look like I slid out a jar of prunes.

Rollo Larson: Say, Pop, look. You took that pill 24 hours ago and you're supposed to lose age, but all you losing is your mind.
Cal Pettie: Face it, Fred. On the highway of life you're a '52 DeSoto.
Fred G. Sanford: And let's face it, Cal. On the highway of life you're all six lanes.


"Sanford and Son: The Lucky Streak (#6.21)" (1977)
Lamont Sanford: Four thousand dollars by Friday or we lose the Sanford Arms.
Fred G. Sanford: I think it's farewell to Arms.

Dan: [Playing poker] What you got, Fred?
Fred G. Sanford: [Laying his cards on the table] Full house. And meet the musical residents: jacks and fives. Get it - Jackson Five?

Fred G. Sanford: See, I'm on the longest and biggest winning streak of my life. And it's no time to be saving; time to to be streakin'!
Aunt Esther Anderson: I wouldn't want to see that.


"Sanford: The Still of the Night (#1.4)" (1980)
Fred G. Sanford: [Looking at Cal's family portrait] Who are them two bald-headed fellas?
Cal Pettie: That there is my brother Homer Elbee, and the other one is my sister Betty Sue. I guess some day I'll be bald, too.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, I'll just paint you green and sit you in the window and sell you for a Buddha.

Fred G. Sanford: [Hearing the still gurgle and squeak] What's that noise? It sounds like someone sucking a cat up the vacuum cleaner!

Al Culmer: Well, now look, Fred. Now you're a businessman; why do you think there's so much instability in the market?
Fred G. Sanford: Wobbly wheels on the shopping carts.


"Sanford and Son: The Headache (#4.21)" (1975)
Lamont Sanford: I've had this headache for two days, man!
Fred G. Sanford: Well, listen, son, maybe I can diagnose your case.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: I watch Dr. Woodfield on "Death Valley Hospital" all the time, and maybe I can help you.
Lamont Sanford: Well, go ahead. I'll try anything to get rid of this headache.
Fred G. Sanford: Alright, then, well, would you get up on the table, miss?
Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, you see, Dr. Woodfield is a gynecologist.

Fred G. Sanford: [to the doctor, after being caught lying to his office by reporting that Lamont is only two years old] What difference does it make how old he is anyway?
Pediatrician: Oh, it makes quite a difference. I'm a pediatrician.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, I'm Methodist myself.

Psychologist: [Analyzing Fred] Let's try some ink spots.
Fred G. Sanford: Ink Spots? Sure.
[Standing up and breaking into song]
Fred G. Sanford: "How can I be sure this is love beyond compaaaaaare...?"


"Sanford and Son: Jealousy (#2.4)" (1972)
Osgood Wilcox: White wine. Nothing like white wine. White wine should be drunk young.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, I was drunk when I was young.

Fred G. Sanford: [In the kitchen checking on the rump roast while Donna and Osgood dance in the living room] They ain't doin' nothin' but dancing.
Lamont Sanford: Uh-huh. All I know is he's the dude with the dame and you're the chump with the rump.

Osgood Wilcox: Well, now, I think it only fair to warn you I'm quite skilled at karate.
[Demonstrates karate chops and a kick]
Osgood Wilcox: HWAH! HWAH! SHAH!
Fred G. Sanford: This nigga's crazy!


"Sanford and Son: Ol' Brown Eyes (#4.3)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont tells Fred he should make their guest feel at home] Rollo, feel at home.
Rollo Larson: I do.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, would you do me a favor?
Rollo Larson: Certainly.
Fred G. Sanford: Would you take the garbage out?
Rollo Larson: Of course. Where is it?
Fred G. Sanford: In your shoes.

Fred G. Sanford: [to the friendly drunk driving instructor in jail with him] Hey, why don't you go back over there? Your breath smells like you been drinking Tidy Bowl.

Fred G. Sanford: You gonna to need some insurance because I'm fixing to preform a 459.
Rollo Larson: What's a 459?
Fred G. Sanford: Breaking and entering your skull!


"Sanford and Son: The Surprise Party (#4.1)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: Here, Donna. I got your gift.
[Hands her a long box, she opens it to show nothing in it]
Fred G. Sanford: See, if you get a watch, you can put it in there.
[Donna gives him a sad look; he hands it to her]
Fred G. Sanford: I'm just kidding, Donna. Here's the watch.
Donna Harris: [Looking at it] Ohhhh, isn't that niiiice?
Aunt Esther Anderson: [Looking at it herself] Yeah, and I see that's it's exactly two forty-nine.
Fred G. Sanford: It's not 2:49, it's around 6 o'clock.
Aunt Esther Anderson: I wasn't talking about the time, Fred, I was talking about the price tag.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, get your face out of the way before it stops.

Fred G. Sanford: Hey Esther, I got a gift for you too.
[Hands it to her]
Aunt Esther Anderson: Fred, this is just a piece of plastic wrap.
Fred G. Sanford: No it ain't. Hold it up to your face.
[She does]
Fred G. Sanford: That's your Halloween mask!

Fred G. Sanford: Hey, Lamont, I almost forgot about you. I got you a quadriphonic stereo!
Lamont Sanford: Hey, all right!
[Hands him the headsets used on the airplane]
Lamont Sanford: Hey man, you need an airplane for these things to work.
Fred G. Sanford: No, you don't. Put them on.
[Lamont does, then Fred starts singing the Ink Spots into the other end]
Fred G. Sanford: And would I be sure...
Lamont Sanford: [Yanks the headsets off, then pulls the other end out of Fred's hand and he stops singing] What kind of gift is this to give your son?
Aunt Esther Anderson: Yup, that's him.
[sounding like a bird]
Aunt Esther Anderson: Cheap! Cheap! Cheap!
Fred G. Sanford: [Smiling] Hey listen to that? The sound of a chicken coming from a buzzard.
Aunt Esther Anderson: That's does it.
[Jumps up to attack Fred with her purse, and they all scrimmage to keep them apart]


"Sanford: Perfect Husband (#1.9)" (1980)
Winston: [Speaking of Eve's late husband John] Yeah, John was quite a man. You know, Sanford, having you around makes me miss John more than ever.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, Winston, if you miss him that much, why don't you join him?

Fred G. Sanford: I taught Lamont how to ride a bicycle once. Bicycle was all dented. So was his head when he fell off the bike. Fell on his head and knocked his tooth out. I took the tooth and put it up under his pillow and told him the Tooth Fairy was gonna leave him some money. In those days you could let a fairy in your house.

Cal Pettie: [Attempting to encourage the sulky Fred] Look, why don't you just go on over to Mrs. Lewis' house?
Fred G. Sanford: Because Beverly Hills is off limits to me now.
Cal Pettie: "True love never runs smooth." William Shakespeare.
Fred G. Sanford: "Go to hell." Richard Pryor.


"Sanford: Cal's Mom (#2.6)" (1981)
Fred G. Sanford: [after assisting a confused Mexican woman] She wanted to know where the bus to San Diego was.
Cal Pettie: Why'd she ask me? Do I look like a Mexican?
Fred G. Sanford: You look like a bus.

Mrs. Pettie: Well, just let me take a good look at you, sonny.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, that'll take about a week.
Cal Pettie: What do you think, Mama?
Mrs. Pettie: The more I look at you the more you look like Paul Newman.
Fred G. Sanford: Don't you mean Alred E. Neuman?

Fred G. Sanford: [after Cal reports that Mrs. Pettie refuses to stay in a black man's home] I'm going down and have a talk with your mama.
Cal Pettie: Now wait a minute, Fred. Listen. Look, she's my mama. Don't be mad at her.
Fred G. Sanford: Me mad? No, I'm gonna butter her up one side and marmalade down the other
[stepping into the hallway]
Fred G. Sanford: then I'm gonna shove her in the toaster.


"Sanford and Son: Greatest Show in Watts (#5.15)" (1976)
Dan: The circus I worked for went broke.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, yeah? Who was it, Ringling Brothers, Barnum and Bankrupt?

Fred G. Sanford: I can get out of the junk business into the jungle business. I can see it now: "Sabu and Son."

Fred G. Sanford: [Ringleader Fred introducing Lamont as Strongo] 185 pounds of pure muscle, faster than a speeding junk truck, more powerful than Roto Rooter, able to leap tall women in a single bound!"


"Sanford and Son: The Barracuda (#1.10)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: [Citing the benefits of marrying a nurse] If I need anything from the surgical supply store, she can get it for me at a discount.
Lamont Sanford: How romantic! I can see the two of y'all shopping for your honeymoon, buying rubber stockings and orthopaedic shoes.

Donna Harris: I should've realized you had the manners of a common junkman!
Fred G. Sanford: I should've realized that you aren't over the hill, you down in the valley! You not Leo the Lion, you Donna the barracuda!

Donna Harris: Donna means *lady*.
[In Italian]
Fred G. Sanford: Well, Fred means *man*.


"Sanford and Son: Can You Chop This? (#5.14)" (1976)
Mrs. Hopkins: Mr. Sanford, my bathtub is backing up again. Now, what do you suggest?
Fred G. Sanford: I suggest you get in it, take it out of reverse, and drive it off a cliff.
Mrs. Hopkins: Well, I never!
Fred G. Sanford: Try it, you'll like it.

Fred G. Sanford: [to aspiring actor Lamont] I can't wait to see you starring in your first movie, "Deep Dummy."

Fred G. Sanford: Freddy's life is goin' down the drain / God, pull out the stopper / stole money from my only son / for these lousy Whopper Choppers!


"Sanford and Son: Grady and His Lady (#4.4)" (1974)
Grady Wilson: She's gonna steal me away, Fred!
Fred G. Sanford: That's called petty larceny.

Fred G. Sanford: [Offering Dolly hors d'oeuvres] Why don't you try some of these horse divers?
Dolly: Some of these what?
Fred G. Sanford: Horse divers; that's French for appetizer.

Lamont Sanford: You know, if Grady gets married, he's going to make you the best man, and you know what that means, right?
Fred G. Sanford: What?
Lamont Sanford: You'll be the first to kiss the bride.
Fred G. Sanford: [Cringes, then] I'd rather kiss Mighty Joe Young's armpits!


"Sanford and Son: Watts Side Story (#2.18)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: The problem with you Pop is that you're not very broad-minded.
Fred Sanford: You know I'm broad-minded. Remember the time that white woman come by here taking a census? Didn't I let her use the toilet?

Fred Sanford: [complaining about Lamont's loaning the truck to Julio] I'm talking about how Puerto Ricans borrow your stuff and then don't bring it back. They borrowed Harlem, remember?

Fred Sanford: [Trying to convince Lamont not to date Maria] It's wrong. It's just wrong. And it's dangerous.
Lamont Sanford: Dangerous? Why?
Fred Sanford: You could be attacked by Sharks.
Lamont Sanford: What are you talking about?
Fred Sanford: D'you remember that movie, "West Side Story"? See, the Sharks was a gang of Puerto Ricans and they got that guy for takin' that Maria out. And he was Irish, so you can imagine what's gonna happen to you.


"Sanford and Son: Funny, You Don't Look It (#6.22)" (1977)
Fred G. Sanford: The full name is King Frederick G. Sanford, and the G stands for gefilte fish.

Aunt Esther Anderson: Some people claim the Falashas come from the son of King Solomon and the Queen of Sheba.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, King Solomon, from the Bible. That the the guy who had the argument with those two mothers, took their kids and split.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Something like that, fool. I don't understand how the wisest of men beget the biggest turkey in Watts.
Lamont Sanford: Kosher turkey! That's the biggest kosher turkey!

Fred G. Sanford: [after attending synagogue] By the way, I learned that "bubba" is the Yiddish word for grandmother.
Bubba Bexley: No kiddin', Fred?
Fred G. Sanford: No kiddin', Grandma.
Aunt Esther Anderson: And did you learn that Esther was a Jewish queen? The most beautiful queen that ever was?
Fred G. Sanford: Well, somebody lied.
Aunt Esther Anderson: No, they didn't! There's a whole story in the Bible, all about me.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, yeah, I remember now. Samson slew the Philistine with your jawbone.


"Sanford and Son: The Olympics (#5.11)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: Now, Donna, you have to make a decision. Who do you want: me, who's been faithful to you all these years, or this wino-come-lately?

Grady Wilson: Well, Fred, don't you want to win Donna back? I mean, after all, faint heart never won fair lady.
Fred G. Sanford: And stopped heart never did too good either.

Fred G. Sanford: It's time now that someone took that loudmouth Lou down a few pegs. When I get through with him, his hide's gonna be hurtin', his shot's gonna be put, and his broad's gonna be jumped.
Donna Harris: Fred!


"Sanford: Cal the Coward (#2.4)" (1981)
Fred G. Sanford: [Dumping out the contents of the bag the crooks tossed in his driveway] It's gold! It's gold! I'm going from dirt poor to filthy rich!
[Counting out the gold coins]
Fred G. Sanford: One, two, gimme some shoes. Three, four, I ain't poor no more. Five, six, gimme some chicks. Seven, eight, I can't wait!

Fred G. Sanford: [Consoling Cal] Anybody can be scared. In World War II I was scared. I backed up so far in one battle I bumped into a general.

Fred G. Sanford: [Consoling Cal] C'mon, sit down, eat something. You're wasting away to almost enormous.


"Sanford and Son: Libra Rising All Over Lamont (#3.2)" (1973)
Lamont Sanford: [Lamont speaking with his hypochondriac father notices the book beside him in bed] Hey, wait a minute, what's that? Don't tell me that's a Bible?
Fred G. Sanford: What'd you think it is? What's wrong with that?
Lamont Sanford: Nothing. It's just I ain't never seen you so close to one before.
Fred G. Sanford: I ain't never felt this close to the one who wrote it before.

Aunt Esther Anderson: [after being insulted by Fred] Who you calling ugly, suckah?
Fred G. Sanford: I'm calling you ugly. I could stick your face in some dough and make some gorilla cookies!

Fred G. Sanford: Why you smilin' at me like Bela Lugosi?
Lamont Sanford: Well, can't I smile at my own father?


"Sanford and Son: My Fair Esther (#5.9)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: I'm cookin' my science-fiction special.
Lamont Sanford: What's a "science-fiction special"?
Fred G. Sanford: [Holding up a shriveled link on a fork] The Incredible Shrinking Sausage!

Lamont Sanford: Pop, if I did what you're asking' me I wouldn't be able to look myself in the face.
Fred G. Sanford: You wouldn't be missin' nothin'.

Aunt Esther Anderson: [Fred gives her lipstick] I ain't wearin' this - this is the devil's paint!
Fred G. Sanford: Now, Esther, you gotta choice. Either you put this paint on, or I put a headlight in your nose and drive you through the Earl Scheib.


"Sanford and Son: Divorce, Sanford Style (#5.2)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: When Esther was a little girl, a guy drove up beside her and offered her some suckers to get UNDER his car.

Fred G. Sanford: [after learning Esther is moving in] I can see my tombstone: "Fred Sanford lies here. 1908 to 1975. Died from an overdose of ugly."


"Sanford and Son: The TV Addict (#5.17)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont tells him to turn off the TV and get some exercise] Exercise?
Lamont Sanford: That's right, exercise. You know, like push-ups, chin-ups, sit-ups.
Fred G. Sanford: Why don't you try some shut-ups?

Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: [Stopping by the Sanfords on his dinner break] I know you usually watch The Hollywood Squares about now.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, usually.
Officer 'Hoppy' Hopkins: Anyway, my idol, the honorable Mr. Jack Webb is making his debut tonight. He'll be sitting on top of Karen Valentine.


"Sanford: Cissy and the Nephew (#1.11)" (1980)
Cal Pettie: Now, look, Fred. He's family. I mean, he's Aunt Esther's only son.
Fred G. Sanford: I don't consider Esther as family. I don't consider Esther as a friend. And she's too ugly to be a pet.

Cliff Anderson: Oh, Mom told me to tell you something.
Fred G. Sanford: What?
Cliff Anderson: [Imitating Esther's scowl] Watch it, sucka!


"Sanford and Son: The Winning Ticket (#6.6)" (1976)
Aunt Esther Anderson: We figured if we win the $500, we could put on a Bicentenniel play for the church.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, and you can be the rear end of what Paul Revere was ridin'.

Timmy: [after Fred opens the door] Hello, I'm Timmy, The Sign Man.
[Whips out a large sign as if it was his business card]
Timmy: My sign.
Fred G. Sanford: Hello, I'm Freddy, The junk man.
[waving it]
Fred G. Sanford: My fist.
[Shuts the door. Man knocks again]
Fred G. Sanford: Go away.
Timmy: Okay, but it'll cost you money.
[Fred runs over and opens the door again]
Timmy: Ah, good choice, sir. See today, we're having a big...
[whips out a sign that says it]
Timmy: ... sale.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, even if they were free, I still couldn't afford them.
Timmy: Yeah, I know. Things are slow all over.
Fred G. Sanford: You can say that again.
Timmy: Don't have to.
[Pulls out a sign that says "Things are slow all over"]


"Sanford and Son: The Light Housekeeper (#2.14)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: [to Aunt Ethel] Let me tell you something. If you ain't outta here by the time I count to three I'm gonna take this crutch and wrap it around your head so many times you'd think you were wearing a wooden turban!

Lamont Sanford: [the last scene, Lamont is headed downstairs] Well, see ya later, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: Wait! Where are you going?
Lamont Sanford: I'm going to work.
Fred G. Sanford: And leave me here all alone?
Lamont Sanford: Look, I just finished making the beds, I fixed your breakfast, you lunch is on a plate in the refrigerator, and there's nothing here that you need me for.
Fred G. Sanford: But, I'm helpless. What if a burglar comes in here? And you know, they never did catch that Zodiac Killer.
[Lamont crosses over to the phone]
Fred G. Sanford: What are you doing? Who are you calling?
Lamont Sanford: I'm calling the employment agency to see if Mary is available to come down here today.
Fred G. Sanford: [Jumps up, pulls his arm out of the sling, and runs over to hang up the phone] Mary? No, don't call that woman! I don't want her here! I...
[stops when he realizes what he did]
Lamont Sanford: So, you're not so helpless after all!


"Sanford: The Ring (#1.10)" (1980)
Lady: [Debating whether to buy a ring] Maurice, darling, I'm going to have to have a little more champagne before I say yes.
Fred G. Sanford: I know a lot of women with the same problem.

Fred G. Sanford: Y'see, I was at Reginald's the other day and there was sort of a robbery.
Evelyn Lewis: You mean this ring is hot?
Fred G. Sanford: Let's say "tepid."


"Sanford and Son: The Suitcase Case (#1.12)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: We're rich! We can retire!
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, no more getting up at six o'clock to get that old, stupid truck started by eight!

Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont tells him to look at the strange car parked outside] What's strange about it?
Lamont Sanford: Well, it's been parked in this neighborhood for over five minutes and it's still got tires.


"Sanford and Son: We Were Robbed (#1.6)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: Are you sure they were white, Pop?
Fred G. Sanford: I know they wasn't black, 'cause you can't get no stocking over one of them big naturals.

Lamont Sanford: [after explaining what happened to Fred's piggy bank as if a similar robbery happened, Lamont breaks character] You believe me, don't you?
Fred G. Sanford: [With a look of "uh oh"] Yeah. I believe you.
Lamont Sanford: Good, so why don't you go ahead and call the police.
[Starts nudging Fred towards the phone, with him protesting as he continues to speak]
Lamont Sanford: Tell them exactly what happened.
[Louder]
Lamont Sanford: I wonder if I'll get a citation just the one they gave you?
[Once they get close to the phone, he picks up the dustpan with the broken glass in it]
Fred G. Sanford: [as he sees it] ... I don't think it's necessary to call the pol...
Lamont Sanford: And you can also tell them that I found my porcelain all smashed and broken, and sitting in the refrigerator in the yard!
[Let's it dump on the floor]
Lamont Sanford: I wonder how it got there!


"Sanford and Son: Aunt Esther Has a Baby (#6.10)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: Look, Pop, try and be a little nice to Aunt Esther. You know she's got that whiplash and that's very painful.
Fred G. Sanford: How did she do that, anyway?
Lamont Sanford: Well, she was sitting in the back of Uncle Woody's truck, and she got hit from the rear.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, how could you tell? Both ends look the same to me.

Aunt Esther Anderson: You don't know nothin' about babies!
Fred G. Sanford: Who, Fred G. Sanford? The G stands for goo-goo, gah-gah and gynecologist.


"Sanford and Son: The Director (#5.21)" (1976)
Elroy: Godzilla and George Foreman.
Fred G. Sanford: Now that would be a fight.
Elroy: Godzilla would knock him out.
Fred G. Sanford: No way. George would win blindfolded.
Elroy: Oh, yeah? How about King Kong?
Fred G. Sanford: Blindfolded!
Elroy: Esther?
Fred G. Sanford: [Wincing] The only way he could beat Esther is blindfolded.

Lamont Sanford: [Fred enters the rehearsal in flamboyant director's outfit, beret, sunglasses, etc] I don't believe it.
Fred G. Sanford: Believe it, son. It's the Otto Preminger look.


"Sanford and Son: The Big Party (#2.15)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [to Aunt Esther] Listen, for years people goin' around saying, "Black is beautiful." They took one look at your family and said, "Hold everything!"

Bubba Bexley: [Bubba staggers in and explains why he's coming to Fred's party already drunk] I was celebrating the election results. I was celebratin' McGovern's getting elected.
Fred G. Sanford: What's wrong with you, Bubba? Don't you know that Nixon got re-elected?
Bubba Bexley: Nixon? Oh, now I'm really gonna have to get drunk.


"Sanford and Son: Sanford and Gong (#6.13)" (1976)
Lamont Sanford: Sit down, Pop, because I have a surprise for you.
Fred G. Sanford: Don't tell me your Aunt Esther had her face paved?

Fred G. Sanford: [Holding four tickets to "The Gong Show"] Now, who should I ask?
Lamont Sanford: Well, besides me, you could ask Aunt Esther.
Fred G. Sanford: Esther? This is the GONG Show, not the GOON Show!


"Sanford and Son: Mama's Baby, Papa's Maybe (#3.14)" (1974)
Grady Wilson: Let me have a drink, please?
Fred G. Sanford: Okay. Listen, you wanna try one I invented? It's a mixture of Ripple and cream. I call it "cripple." Y'see, after you drink a few of 'em, you walk with a limp.

Aunt Esther Anderson: [after Fred asks Esther whether Elizabeth was ever unfaithful to him] My baby sister Elizabeth was as pure as the driven snow.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, but who was doing the driving?


"Sanford and Son: Bank on This (#5.3)" (1975)
Mr. Phillips: [loan officer asks] How did you arrive at your $1,500 figure?
Fred G. Sanford: I went to Vic Tanny.
[a reference to Vic Tanny Gyms]

Mr. Phillips: It seems feasible.
Fred G. Sanford: Then feas it.


"Sanford: Love Is Blind (#2.5)" (1981)
Cal Pettie: Now, look, Fred. Cliff's young and he likes to chase young, beautiful women. Now you remember what that's like.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah. When I was young in my neighborhood they used to call me Ready Freddy, slick and speedy, never let the ladies go needy!

Cliff Anderson: [Discussing Charlene] I don't want to tell you about her because I don't want to prejudice you.
Fred G. Sanford: Prejudice? Me? She's black, ain't she?


"Sanford and Son: Julio and Sister and Nephew (#4.10)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: [Julio, Carlotta and Roberto are shouting at each other in Spanish] Hold it! Hold it! Now we have to start speaking English here. This isn't the unemployment office, you know.

Carlotta: As Roberto and his mother Carlotta are in the principles office discussing Robertos' language issues but speaking in spanish...
Principal: Mr Sanford, what are they saying?
Fred G. Sanford: How should I know. Who do you think I am Fernando Lamas?


"Sanford and Son: Wine, Women and Aunt Esther (#3.13)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [Discussing his new outlook on life] Fun, fun, fun, son. Bring on the wine, women and the song.
Lamont Sanford: Pop, at your age you can't afford to do that.
Fred G. Sanford: Why not?
Lamont Sanford: Because if you have too much wine and women, the song is gonna be "Nearer My God To Thee."

Lamont Sanford: [Looking incredulously at his father's loud outfit] What have you got on?
Fred G. Sanford: It's a Super Fly suit. What's it look like?
Lamont Sanford: It looks like you got on a floral arrangement from Junior Cooper's funeral.


"Sanford and Son: The Kid (#2.23)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [to the overweight Jason as they prepare to eat dinner] You're always supposed to wash your hands every time before you eat. And from the looks of you, you should have the cleanest hands in the block.

Fred G. Sanford: [Offering Jason a drink as they sit down to eat] What about a beer?
Lamont Sanford: Pop, children do not drink beer.
Fred G. Sanford: What's wrong with that? It's just got some barley and some grain and stuff in it. Y'know, it's just corn flakes in a can.


"Sanford and Son: The Merger (#4.14)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: [Taping the television commercial] Hi, I'm Fred. Fly me to Junk City.

Fred G. Sanford: [to Julio and Lamont] But you do make a beautiful couple: Tweedley-dee and Tweedley-dummy.


"Sanford and Son: Golden Boy (#4.19)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: [after Junior smashes a lamp while training in the house] Here I am, I ain't been in the wide world of sports two minutes and already I can sense the agony of defeat.

Fred G. Sanford: [after Junior Joe Louis hits Lamont in the stomach, he gets upset and gets in the ring to avenge it, doing his usual flailing of his fists, then points at the canvas] Look down there!
[Junior does]
Fred G. Sanford: Look at that! There's a glazed donut!
[Then throws an uppercut that knocks Junior on his butt]


"Sanford and Son: Steinberg and Son (#5.5)" (1975)
Bubba Bexley: The characters on that show are a lot like you. There's the mean grouchy old father.
Fred G. Sanford: Wait a minute...
Bubba Bexley: The Dumb son.
Lamont Sanford: Hey Bubba?
Bubba Bexley: The Ugly Sister-in-Law.
Aunt Esther Anderson: Watch it sucka!
Bubba Bexley: And the stupid bungling friend.
[Looks at Grady]
Grady Wilson: [Sarcasticly] Your too hard on yourself Bubba!

Fred G. Sanford: [Thinking up premises for new television series] And here's the topper. I mean, here's the one that's sure to sell. It's about a family of pioneer plumbers.
Lamont Sanford: I'm afraid to ask what it's called.
Fred G. Sanford: It's called, "Little Outhouses on the Prairie."


"Sanford and Son: Presenting the Three Degrees (#3.4)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: I like my coffee like I like my women: sweet, hot, and... without cream.

Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont refused to give him money] You're cheaper than chitlins were in 1932!


"Sanford and Son: The Camping Trip (#5.24)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: [Hearing wild animal sounds, Fred begins his boxing routine] Come on out! I'll float like a butterfly, sting like a bee / Nobody out in the forest meaner than me / Come on elephants, tigers and gorillas / I'll whip a hundred Godzillas!

Lamont Sanford: Now give me a match so I can start a fire.
Fred G. Sanford: You don't need no matches to start no fire. All you need to do is rub two pieces of wood together. Now go over there and rub your head upside the tree.


"Sanford and Son: Fred's Extra Job (#6.8)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: He wouldn't take the money if he knew I'd borrowed it.
Bubba Bexley: Well, what are you gonna tell him?
Fred G. Sanford: I'll just tell him it's a gift, that I'd been savin' it all my life and it's his wedding present.
Bubba Bexley: That's good. And if he buys that, I got some oceanfront property in Kansas you can sell him.

Lamont Sanford: You took $6,000 in coins to the bank? That's unbelievable!
Fred G. Sanford: You tellin' me? If there had been a bus to Europe I would've had the exact change.


"Sanford and Son: The Return of the Barracuda (#1.13)" (1972)
Fred Sanford: The last time I was in lover's lane was in St. Louis years ago. Just the three of us.
Donna Harris: The three of you?
Fred Sanford: Yeah. Me and the girl and the guy that mugged us.

Lamont Sanford: What about your age, Pop? Now, who gets married at 65?
Fred Sanford: You better read your Bible. Abraham got married when he was over 100, had six kids.
Lamont Sanford: Yeah, Abraham had some help from the Lord.
Fred Sanford: Well, I don't intend to have no six children, so I won't need as much help.


"Sanford and Son: The Hawaiian Connection: Part 1 (#6.1)" (1976)
Bubba Bexley: Hey, that Western Union guy sounded pretty upset.
Fred G. Sanford: What did he say?
Bubba Bexley: He said it stopped raining in the house, but the drip was still there.

Fred G. Sanford: [after discovering the diamonds] With all these karats, I may never need glasses again!


"Sanford: Gaslight (#2.7)" (1981)
Doc: It looks like you have a viral infection. But of course it's impossible to know what you have.
Fred G. Sanford: I'll tell you what I have for sure. I got my eyes ache, my head aches, my hair aches, I got tired blood, I got itchy, flakin' and scalpin' skin, I'm dizzy and fuzzy and queasy and sneezy, and you standing there lookin' dopey!

Aunt Esther Anderson: [Fred pleads with Esther to sit and stay awhile] I ain't sittin' on no couch. First thing I hear you say is how ugly I am.
Fred G. Sanford: Would I say that to you?
Aunt Esther Anderson: Yes! And then you'd say, "I've seen better faces on a can of dog food." And then you would say when I was born I was so ugly the doctor slapped me across the face.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, Esther, I wouldn't say that to you. You're beautiful! What a face! What a figure!
Aunt Esther Anderson: I know that one. Two more legs and I'd look like Trigger!


"Sanford and Son: Happy Birthday, Pop (#1.2)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: [Looking at his present] It's a hat, ain't it?
Lamont Sanford: No, it's a lampshade. Of course it's a hat.

Fred G. Sanford: This is a real Chinese restaurant, isn't it?
Lamont Sanford: No, it's a pizza parlor. Of course it's a Chinese restaurant.


"Sanford and Son: There'll Be Some Changes Made (#4.5)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [Trying to convince Fred of his stubbornness] When's the last time you gave in to somebody?
Fred G. Sanford: 1942. I gave in to your mother. And that was a big mistake.
Lamont Sanford: Why? What happened?
Fred G. Sanford: You. You see, Lamont is French for "big mistake."

Lamont Sanford: [to Fred after he's insulted their Chinese neighbor Ah Chew] What's the matter with you? Ah Chew is our neighbor. Well, you know what it says in the Bible: "Love thy neighbour."
Fred G. Sanford: Well, the guy who wrote the Bible didn't live in this neighborhood. If he had, he'd have said, "Love thy neighbour, but locketh thy windows."
[turning to Ah Chew]
Fred G. Sanford: Now shove that in your fortune cookie, Choo-Choo!


"Sanford and Son: A Matter of Life and Breath (#1.5)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: Pop, since you was 10, you smoked a cigarette 41 miles long!
Fred G. Sanford: That's real super king-size, ain't it?

Fred G. Sanford: [after flirting with the attractive young receptionist] Now, she's got T.B.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: Terrific Body.
Lamont Sanford: You're a dirty old man, you know that?
Fred G. Sanford: And I'm gonna be one till I'm a dead old man.


"Sanford and Son: Home Sweet Home for the Aged (#2.21)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [In response to the question of why Lamont is placing Fred in the retirement home] Y'see, he's going around the world with a bunch of fruitcakes, so say "bon voyage" to the African Queen!

Fred G. Sanford: [Fred reclining on his bed reading, a knocking is heard at his door] Whoever it is I don't want none of it! I don't wanna play no shuffleboard, don't wanna play no checkers, and I don't want to weave no damn baskets!
[Knocking persists]
Fred G. Sanford: Will you go away? I'm smokin' pot!


"Sanford and Son: Blood Is Thicker Than Junk (#2.10)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [fighting with Fred] And that's another thing - I'm getting tired of you callin' me a dummy.
Fred G. Sanford: The only reason I call you a dummy is because I call 'em as I see 'em. Dummy.

Fred G. Sanford: [Interviewing him] What do you know about trucks?
Norman Blood: Hey, I know all about trucks, Pops. Hey, I can take one apart in five minutes.
Fred G. Sanford: I don't mean stripping them. I mean driving them. You got a license.
Norman Blood: Oh yeah.
[Shows Fred his driver license]
Fred G. Sanford: [Cringes] Wooo-weee, you sure take a ugly picture.
Norman Blood: [laughs it off] Oh, I had just woke up.
Fred G. Sanford: Well, if you that ugly in the morning, then you that ugly all day.


"Sanford and Son: The Engagement Man Always Rings Twice (#5.20)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: Now, that wasn't so bad, was it?
Lamont Sanford: No, it certainly wasn't, considering this is the first time Janet's been over here for a meal catered by Melvin's Menudo Manor.
Janet Lawson: I never thought I'd like soul enchiladas.

Fred G. Sanford: I can see it now, old man living here in California with nothing to do but sit on the back porch and drink orange juice with Bing Crosby and his family.


"Sanford and Son: Lamont as Othello (#3.1)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [after Lamont agrees to Fred's coming to Marilyn's Beverly Hills home, but that he'll have to wait outside in the truck] I don't mind sitting in the truck, as long as you give me a camera so I can take the expression off that Beverly Hills policeman's face when I tell him I'm sitting in the truck waiting on my son who's inside choking a white woman to death.

Mr. O'Neill: [Offering his guest a nightcap] C'mon, Sanford, name your poison. What'll you have?
Fred G. Sanford: Gimme a glass of Ripple.
Mr. O'Neill: Ripple? What's that?
Fred G. Sanford: That's the national wine of Watts.


"Sanford and Son: Sanford and Rising Son (#5.10)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: [to Ah Chew, who is preparing dinner] Who are you supposed to be, the Kamikaze Gourmet?

Fred G. Sanford: See, I know, I admit that I've been prejudiced, but now my eyes are opened. That's more than I can say for the Japanese.


"Sanford and Son: The Blind Mellow Jelly Collection (#3.10)" (1973)
Bubba Bexley: I want my Daddy's records.
Fred G. Sanford: What are you doing, Bubba?
Bubba Bexley: I'm just practicing, in case you want to get them back from this place too.

Fred G. Sanford: Wait a minute, Bubba! Don't sit down there!
Bubba Bexley: What? What'd I do?
Fred G. Sanford: It's not what you did, it's what you were about to do.You nearly sat on the last Blind Mellow Jelly Album on the whole West Coast!
Bubba Bexley: Boy, I'm sure glad you stopped me, Fred.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, if you'd have sat on that record your name would've been Mudd!
[Moves the record]
Fred G. Sanford: Now sit down.
[Fred sits down, a loud crack is heard. Fred looks sick]
Lamont Sanford: Bubba, I'd like you to meet my father, Mr. Mudd.


"Sanford and Son: Here Today, Gone Today (#6.11)" (1976)
Fred G. Sanford: There's somethin' on TV I really want to see tonight, Son. It's a very sad episode of "The Six Million Dollar Man."
Lamont Sanford: Aw, Pop.
Fred G. Sanford: But it is, Son. Y'see, the Six Million Dollar Man becomes outdated, so they donate his vital organs to a used car lot in El Segundo.

Lamont Sanford: I'm gonna call the police!
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, tell 'em we were robbed by a gang of weirdos!
Lamont Sanford: Why do you say they were weirdos?
Fred G. Sanford: Who else would steal Esther's picture?


"Sanford and Son: By the Numbers (#2.1)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: President Nixon's not gonna run.
Fred G. Sanford: If he comes through Watts he will.


"Sanford and Son: A House Is Not a Pool Room (#3.11)" (1973)
Donna Harris: [after complaining about the sex and violence in modern movies] You know, Fred, I miss the old movies.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, me too. Y'know, like Mickey Rooney in "Love Finds Andy Hardy." If they made that same movie today, they'd have to call it "Love Finds Andy Naked."


"Sanford and Son: This Land Is Whose Land? (#3.16)" (1974)
Julio Fuentes: Mr. Sanford! Buenas dias, huh?
Fred G. Sanford: And beans and disease to you!


"Sanford and Son: The Party Crasher (#3.18)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: Rollo ain't no uptown dude; he's a downtown dud!


"Sanford and Son: Fred Meets Redd (#6.14)" (1977)
Fred G. Sanford: Redd Foxx is my idol. I love him. I love the way he spells his name with two d's and two x's.
Lamont Sanford: I wonder why he does that.
Fred G. Sanford: I don't know about the two d's, but I saw his nightclub act once, and I know why they got all them x's!


"Sanford and Son: Strange Bedfellows (#4.17)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: [to the scowling Aunt Esther] You came in first in the King Kong look-alike contest.


"Sanford and Son: Carol (#6.9)" (1976)
Grady Wilson: [Discussing Carol] Fred, I think you should throw the bum out.
Fred G. Sanford: I can't do that; I can't do that. He's an old friend of mine. And he's from Buffalo, and he's in the chips.


"Sanford and Son: The Stand-In (#4.16)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: [Packing stuffing into the big bird] How does that feel, Jonathan Livingston Turkey?


"Sanford and Son: The Hawaiian Connection: Part 2 (#6.2)" (1976)
Japanese Tourist: Thank you and sayonara.
Fred G. Sanford: And Sarah Vaughn.


"Sanford and Son: The Card Sharps (#2.6)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: I always believe by going by what it says in the Bible.
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: Deal unto others as they have dealt unto you.


"Sanford and Son: Home Sweet Home (#4.7)" (1974)
Miss Funai: Sayonara.
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, and Frank Sinatra to you.


"Sanford: Retrospective: Part 1 (#1.7)" (1980)
Fred G. Sanford: I would've helped, but it's my old war injury.
Evelyn Lewis: You were injured in the war?
Fred G. Sanford: Yeah, Red Cross doughnut truck ran over my foot.


"Sanford and Son: The Sanford Arms (#5.4)" (1975)
Aunt Esther Anderson: [Taking the prostitute by the arm] I'm takin' you to the Reverend Ike while there's still time to save your soul.
Fred G. Sanford: Now, you can save her soul, but save the rest for me.


"Sanford and Son: A Pad for Lamont (#1.7)" (1972)
Fred G. Sanford: I thought I was too old for this kind of carryin' on. Say, do you know what Ernestine calls me? Ready Freddy.
Lamont Sanford: Who's Ernestine?
Fred G. Sanford: I told you she was here last night. Whew! What a rump roast!


"Sanford and Son: TV or Not TV (#1.11)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [Comes in] Hey Pop, I'm home.
Fred G. Sanford: [Almost immediately to him] I want a new TV!
Lamont Sanford: What?
Fred G. Sanford: You heard me, and I won't take 'no' for an answer! I want a new TV!
[Melvin is standing behind Lamont, he draws a box with his fingers]
Fred G. Sanford: With a big screen!
[Melvin mimes pushing buttons on one]
Fred G. Sanford: And remote control.
[Melvin them points to his cheek]
Fred G. Sanford: And color.
[Biggest laughter]


"Sanford and Son: Here Comes the Bride, There Goes the Bride (#1.3)" (1972)
Lamont Sanford: [All the guests are staking claim to their wedding gift in order to return them while he stands there watching incredulous] Say what are you people doing? Will you stop it?
[Whistles loudly to get their attention]
Lamont Sanford: Will you just stop it?
Fred G. Sanford: You tell 'em, son!
Lamont Sanford: [Still addressing everyone else] What is the matter with you? I don't believe you! I just got the shock of my life less than an hour ago, and what are you all doing? You're standing around here worrying about your dumb wedding presents! Well I don't wanna see you, or your presents, in my house for another second!
[Slaps the table on the second syllable of "another" for emphasis. Everyone, shocked at this, puts all their gifts back and leaves at once. Lamont then, using the tablecloth to hold all of them, carries the gifts to the door]
Lamont Sanford: That's right. I'll tell you what you can do. You can go figure out who belongs to what out in the yard!
[Throws the gifts out the door behind them]
Fred G. Sanford: [Joining in on the fun, Fred does the same thing to the food on a different table and carries it to the door] And don't say we didn't feed you!
[Tosses the food out at them, then turns and grabs the wedding cake]
Fred G. Sanford: And here's some dessert!
[Tosses the cake out. We then cut to a shot of Aunt Hazel, who got hit in the face with the cake. She takes off her glasses and glares at Fred and Lamont, who are both grinning]
Fred G. Sanford: Hazel, you never looked sweeter.
[Hazel gives him a "look", while both Fred and Lamont laugh and go back in]


"Sanford and Son: Sanford and Niece (#4.9)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: Your Aunt Esther, the Hunchface of Notre Dame.


"Sanford and Son: Matchmaker, Matchmaker (#4.2)" (1974)
Fred G. Sanford: [Fred and Grady discussing a possible mate for Lamont] This magazine is about Cicely Tyson, and that's the kind of girl Lamont likes.
Grady Wilson: [Skeptically] You really think so, huh?
Fred G. Sanford: Absolutely.
Grady Wilson: Yeah, y'know, Fred, I saw her on TV and she was 105 years old.
Fred G. Sanford: Oh, you dumb - that was a role she was playing! She must be 30ish.
Grady Wilson: Thirtyish? Boy, she sure let herself go.


"Sanford and Son: The Will (#6.19)" (1977)
Aunt Esther Anderson: Watch it, suckah. You're gettin' on my nerve.
Fred G. Sanford: It would take Muhammad Ali, Rosey Grier, with an assist from King Kong to get me on any part of you!


"Sanford: Jury Duty (#2.9)" (1981)
Prosecuting Attorney: Mr. Sanford, do you believe in capital punishment?
Fred G. Sanford: Absolutely. I believe everyone in the nation's capital should be punished.


"Sanford and Son: Rated X (#2.24)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: Oh!Oh! This is the big one! I'm comin', Elizabeth! But shut your eyes! It's a nudie rap!


"Sanford and Son: Pops 'n' Pals (#2.20)" (1973)
Fred G. Sanford: [Staggering from a heart attack] Ohh, this is a big one! Ya hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join ya with a fifth of flapple in my hand!


"Sanford: The Benefit (#1.14)" (1980)
Sammy Davis Jr.: I'm sorry I'm late, but my Rolls broke down.
Fred G. Sanford: That's why I got rid of mine.


"Sanford and Son: Fred's Cheating Heart (#3.17)" (1974)
Lamont Sanford: [Telling his father of his plans to marry Julio's sister] But look on the bright side of it, Pop. When we have our first son we'll name him after you. We'll call him Fredrico! Litte Fredrico Manuel Fuentes Sanford!
Fred G. Sanford: [Staggering, hand over his heart] Oh, no! This is the biggest one I ever had! You hear that, Elizabeth? I'm comin' to join ya, honey... with an invitation to a Puerto Rican wedding!


"Sanford and Son: The Masquerade Party (#4.18)" (1975)
Fred G. Sanford: [Fred wearing a gorilla suit, standing next to Aunt Esther] Don't we make a nice couple: King Kong and the Bride of Frankenstein?