Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver
Quicklinks
Top Links
main detailsbiographyby votesphoto galleryquotes
Filmographies
by yearby typeby ratingsby votesby TV seriesby genreby keyword
Biographical
biography
Did You Know?
photo galleryquotes

Quotes for
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver (Character)
from "Leave It to Beaver" (1957)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Leave It to Beaver: The Haircut (#1.4)" (1957)
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, it would have been very easy for me to forgive you if you had just stood up and said, "Dad, I lost my money and Wally gave me the haircut."
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [stands up] Dad, I lost the money and Wally gave me the haircut.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What's for supper?
June Cleaver: Pot roast, potato pancakes, and what's the big idea?

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Are you finished?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know. But I think I'd better stop.

Wally Cleaver: What's that?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: A haircut, I think.
Wally Cleaver: Wow, you look like Wilson's Airedale when he had the mange.

Barber: Suppose you go home and explain it to your parents. They'll understand. After all, anybody can lose money.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, but not as good as I can.

Barber: Suppose I call up your parents and tell 'em you lost the money, and they'll okay the haircut. How's that sound?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah. I think our phone's been discontinued.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I think I losted my money.
Barber: It looks like you founded everything else in town.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: If I tell you you'll be mad at me.
Ward Cleaver: That's ridiculous. Now, come on, tell me.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I losted my money.
Ward Cleaver: Again! Oh, Beaver! Your mother and I have been very patient with you, but this habit of losing money has got to stop.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I told you you'd be mad at me.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Spot Removers (#3.33)" (1960)
Richard Rickover: Hey, Beaver, your mom is ok. How did she ever get so pretty?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I don't know. I think she was that way when my father got her.

Richard Rickover: [in Beaver's bedroom] Hey, Beaver, you got a horse?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Nah.
Richard Rickover: Then how come you've got horseshoes?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: For good luck.
Richard Rickover: Well, heck, if you had good luck, you'd have a horse.

Ward Cleaver: Well, how was the fishing trip?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, it was real neat, Dad. We didn't catch any fish, but we saw a man slip on a wet rock and we heard almost everything he said.

Eddie Haskell: [seeing that Beaver is worried about ruining Wally's suit coat] Boy, you're scared, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, it's not only that, but I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt Wally for anything in the whole world.
Eddie Haskell: Boy, you're not only scared, you're sloppy.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [asking Wally about a party he went to] Did you take all those records, and dance with girls?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I danced with some girls.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, did they have any good stuff to eat?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Wally, I'm your brother, so you can tell me this: Which do you like better, dancin' with girls, or eatin'?
Wally Cleaver: Well, with some girls I'd rather be dancin', but other girls, when I'm dancin' with them, I'd rather be eatin'.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Prize (#3.4)" (1959)
Larry Mondello: Hey Beaver, whatcha doin'?
Theodore Cleaver: I'm makin' a sandwich.
Larry Mondello: Boy, that's sure a messy lookin' sandwich.
Theodore Cleaver: Well I didn't make it for looks, I made it for eatin'.

Larry Mondello: [at the Mayfield Theatre] Pretty good jungle picture, huh Beav?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, except there was too much kissin' and not enough apes.

Theodore Cleaver: [throwing the ball around on the front lawn] Hey Wally, is this a sinker?
Wally Cleaver: Naaah. Snap your wrist. You're throwin' like a girl.
Theodore Cleaver: [outraged] I am not. I haven't thrown like a girl since I was *six years old!*

Larry Mondello: Y'know, if you hadn't' won that bicycle, no-one would'a ever known you left your house.
Theodore Cleaver: I wonder how come I won it?
Larry Mondello: I don't know. Maybe God made you win it to fix ya.
Theodore Cleaver: You think so, Larry?
Larry Mondello: Well, sure. Like in the movies, when crooks are gettin' away from robbin' a bank. They always get hit by a train or somethin'.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. You know, Larry, I guess the best thing to do is to always do what you're told.
Larry Mondello: Yeah, but it's pretty hard for kids to always do what you're told, 'cause you get told so much.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. See ya, Larry.
Larry Mondello: I'll see ya, Beav.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Freckles (#4.5)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I'm going over to Lumpy Rutherford's with Whitey and Gilbert. Lumpy might let us wash his car.
June Cleaver: Let you wash it?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah. Last time he charged us a quarter to wash it. This time he might let us do it for nothin'.

Ward Cleaver: It's not important what you look like on the outside. It's what you are on the inside that counts.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, nobody can see my insides.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [concerned about his freckles, Beaver goes to see Clyde Appleby, who is covered with them] How do you stand it?
Clyde Appleby: Stand what?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Havin' freckles.
Clyde Appleby: Heck, I like 'em... And you know what happened once?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What?
Clyde Appleby: Once a big girl asked me if she could count my freckles.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah?
Clyde Appleby: Yeah. And you know what?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What?
Clyde Appleby: Promise you won't tell anybody.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I promise.
Clyde Appleby: Cross your heart and hope to break a leg?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Cross my heart and hope to break a leg.
Clyde Appleby: [almost whispering] I let her do it!


Leave It to Beaver (1997)
Judy Hensler: All right. Sit down and shut up! You're gonna learn this stuff if I have to shove it down your throat! And just where do you think you're going... Beaver Cleaver?
Beaver Cleaver: Thanks anyway, Judy. But I'd rather go through 3rd grade a hundred times than listen to your ugly voice for one minute!

Judy Hensler: Wow, Beaver. You really pulled up your grade. You got a "C."
Beaver Cleaver: Really?
Judy Hensler: Yeah! A "See me after class".

[from trailer]
Beaver Cleaver: Oh no mom. Oh no mom. Oh no-no-no-no-no mom.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Chauffeur (#5.12)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: Hi, Beav. Hey, how do I look?
Theodore Cleaver: Real neat. You got your job back sellin' ice cream bars again?
Wally Cleaver: No, ya little goof, it's a white dinner jacket. I rented it for the dance Saturday night.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, won't you feel creepy walkin' around in an outfit like that?
Wally Cleaver: Sure, but everybody else is wearin' 'em, and when everybody else feels funny, you don't feel so funny.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I guess it's like when everybody goes swimmin' in the YMCA pool without any suits on.

Theodore Cleaver: Me and Gilbert have got a pact. We hate girls. But it's easier on him.
Wally Cleaver: What do you mean?
Theodore Cleaver: 'Cause he's got a sister, and he learned to hate girls without even leavin' the house.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, how ya gettin' to the dance?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, Lumpy Rutherford's takin' a bunch of us guys in his car.
Theodore Cleaver: How much of a bunch?
Wally Cleaver: I think there'll be about eight of us.
Theodore Cleaver: Is Dad lettin' you do that?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, I don't know. I haven't asked him yet.
Theodore Cleaver: You better ask him, Wally. It sounds like one of those things he's liable to blow his top about.
Wally Cleaver: Now why would he do that?
Theodore Cleaver: I don't know. I guess 'cause it sounds like it'd be too much fun.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Paper Route (#1.17)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: Well, I think we can arrange to put a new tire on your old bike.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Wouldn't it be better to put a new bike on the old tire?

Ward Cleaver: What's this all about?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It's our paper route, Dad. We're gonna earn a bike and surprise you, just like you did your father.
June Cleaver: But boys, you get home from school pretty late as it is. Isn't that a lot of papers to deliver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Only 58.
June Cleaver: But Beaver...
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, there's nothin' to deliverin' papers. You just fold 'em up and throw 'em at people.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [we see the boys delivering papers; Beaver throws the first one] How was that, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Hey, that was pretty good. Lucky the window was open.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [then Wally throws one into the landscaping] Shouldn't we get that one, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Naah, the bushes are the first place people look.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's I.Q. (#4.9)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Girls have got it lucky, don't they, Mom?
June Cleaver: Why do you say that?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, they don't have to be smart - they don't have to get jobs or anything - alls they gotta do is get married.

June Cleaver: Wally isn't home yet.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh. I got somethin' I want to show him.
[Beaver takes a frog out of his pocket]
The Frog: Ribbet.
June Cleaver: Beaver! Beaver, that's a frog. Come on, get that off my bread board.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I got it from Whitey Whitney. He thought it was dead and he was only gonna charge me two sticks of gum. But while we were talking it over, it started wigglin', so he raised it to four. Where's Wally? I want to show it to him. He likes frogs and stuff.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Mom, it's hard to think of a man walkin' around, and he'd be me.
June Cleaver: You know something, Beaver, one of these days you're going to be all grown up, and you're gonna have a wife and a family all your own.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I will?
June Cleaver: 'Course you will.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Boy, it sure is creepy the way it works, isn't it, Mom!


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Finds a Wallet (#3.30)" (1960)
June Cleaver: Dear, I have to wait for Mr. Johnson. Could you take my grocery list, and go to the market?
Ward Cleaver: Well, I'd like to Dear, but don't you remember? I have a dentist appointment.
June Cleaver: Then you can't get my groceries?
Ward Cleaver: Well, I think a dentist appointment is more important. Don't you, Beaver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, Dad. If all your teeth fall out, you won't have anything to eat groceries with, anyways.

June Cleaver: You know, both of you boys should watch your grammar.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Mom, this is Saturday - they make us watch it all week in school.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Who was on the phone, Mom?
June Cleaver: Oh, that was the nursery, Beaver.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: No foolin'? Are we gonna have a baby brother?
June Cleaver: No, Beaver. This is the kind of nursery that brings plants and flowers.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [slightly disappointed] Oh. I thought it was the kind that brought baby brothers.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Birthday (#5.4)" (1961)
Gilbert Bates: Hey, look. Someone must have shoved it under your door.
Theodore Cleaver: What is it?
Gilbert Bates: It says, "Mr Theodore Cleaver".
Theodore Cleaver: Hey, that's me! It says they delivered a registered letter, but there was nobody here, so they took it back to the Post Office and we're s'posed to go get it.
Gilbert Bates: Hmm, must be a mistake. No kid ever got a registered letter.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, it's gotta be for me. I'm the only Theodore Cleaver in the whole house.
Gilbert Bates: Hey, maybe it's a present. Let's go down to the Post Office and see what it is.
Theodore Cleaver: Okay. I just hope they don't hit us or anything.

Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver is old enough to make his own decisions about his birthday money, but tells a lie anyway after Gilbert convinces him to buy a model race car, not save the unexpected $10 he gets from Uncle Billy] Well, what should I do about the car, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Well, what do you think you should do?
Theodore Cleaver: You mean I've got to make my own decision about that, too?
Ward Cleaver: I think you should.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I think I oughta keep the car, on accounta I used it, but I'm gonna tell Mom I'm sorry for lyin' to her, and I think I oughta come home from school every day early for a whole week, without havin' any fun.
Ward Cleaver: Fine, Beaver. I have just one suggestion to make.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, yes sir?
Ward Cleaver: I think you should tell Gilbert that his idea didn't work.
Theodore Cleaver: [with a hint of anger] Oh, I'm gonna tell him all right, Dad. And I think I'll tell him while I'm sittin' on him!

Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver and Gilbert go to the Post Office] I have a notice for a registered letter.
The Postal Clerk: [reading the notice] "Registered mail, Mr Theodore Cleaver." Is that your father?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh no, sir. That's me.
Gilbert Bates: He doesn't look like a "Mister", but that's him!
The Postal Clerk: Well, Mr Theodore Cleaver, do you, uh, have any identification?
Theodore Cleaver: Identification?
The Postal Clerk: Something, uh, with your name on it.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, just my underwear. My Mom sewed it on when I went to camp.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Autobiography (#6.13)" (1962)
Gilbert Bates: Finish your autobiography yet, Beaver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah.
Gilbert Bates: Hey, that's neat.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: No it isn't. I only have two pages, and Mr. Thompson said you had to have three whole pages.
Gilbert Bates: So, write another page, you dummy. We don't have to hand it in 'til Wednesday.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I can't. After I wrote two pages, my whole life was used up.

June Cleaver: Beaver, did you tell your teacher that she wrote it?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, no, Ma.
Ward Cleaver: Why, not?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Dad. You can't squeal on a girl.
Ward Cleaver: No, I suppose you can't, but you don't go around letting other people do your homework for you, either. I hope this will be a good lesson to you.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It sure is, Dad. From now on, if anybody does my homework, it's gonna be some creepy boy.

Mr. Thompson: Oh, Theodore. About sneaky girls. We had a lot of them in my class, too, when I was your age.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: No kiddin'? Gosh! How could you stand it?
Mr. Thompson: Well, when you get old enough, you won't see their faults.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Mr. Thompson. I don't think I'll ever get that old.


"Leave It to Beaver: Party Invitation (#1.15)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: You know Linda Dennison, the new girl in my class?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, what about her?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, she's been botherin' me.
Wally Cleaver: Well, she hits ya, hit her back.
Theodore Cleaver: No, she's been botherin' me different. She always wants to sit next to me in the cafeteria, and she always wants to walk home with me. Why would she want to do that, Wally?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know. You know how girls are. They're nice to you, they usually got an angle. Maybe she wants to copy your homework.
Theodore Cleaver: Nobody ever wants to copy my homework.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I guess so. Hey Beav, what's she look like?
Theodore Cleaver: She looks awful. She looks like a girl.
Wally Cleaver: All girls look like girls.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but Linda Dennison looks more like a girl than any girl I've ever seen.

Linda Dennison: I was waiting for you, Beaver. Are you going to walk home today?
Theodore Cleaver: [desperate for an excuse] Uh... Uh, I think I have to go to the Dentist and get some teeth put back in.

Theodore Cleaver: [talking with the family about Linda Dennison's party] Anyway, I ain't goin'.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, you're *not* going.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, thanks, Dad, I thunk you'd make me.


"Leave It to Beaver: School Sweater (#3.23)" (1960)
Wally Cleaver: [Wally is inspecting his letterman's sweater after getting it back from a girl] Well, she didn't wreck it or anything.
Theodore Cleaver: No, but you know, Wally, it smells kinda girly.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, that's perfume or some kinda junk. I'll just hang it in my gym locker for a couple days. That oughta kill it.

Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Wally, why would you go and give your sweater to a girl?
Wally Cleaver: Well, 'cause she asked me for it.
Theodore Cleaver: Then why don't you ask her for it back?
Wally Cleaver: I did, and she wouldn't give it to me.
Theodore Cleaver: Then why didn't you sock her?
Wally Cleaver: Heck, you can't sock a girl.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, lots of 'em have socked me, and I've socked a couple of 'em back.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, but that's different. You're just a kid. At your age, girls aren't really girls yet.
Theodore Cleaver: When do they turn into girls?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know, just, uh, just all of a sudden you turn around and they're girls, and a guy's gotta be polite and junk.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, what are sweaters made out of?
Wally Cleaver: Uh, sheep.
Theodore Cleaver: I'd hate to be a sheep and get made into a sweater.
June Cleaver: [later, downstairs] Come on, Beaver, dinner.
Theodore Cleaver: What are we havin', Mom?
June Cleaver: Lamb chops.
Theodore Cleaver: Are they made out of sheep?
June Cleaver: Uh, huh.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, sheep sure have a tough time.


"Leave It to Beaver: Teacher Comes to Dinner (#3.9)" (1959)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Nothing in here could poison anybody, could it, Mom?
June Cleaver: Why, of course not, Beaver!
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Larry said Miss Landers might eat something and get toenail poisoning.
June Cleaver: You mean ptomaine poisoning?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, I guess so. Anyway, he said if she got it, she might get mad and flunk me and stuff.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: My mother invited Miss Landers to dinner.
Larry Mondello: To eat?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure. You can't invite somebody to dinner without letting them eat.
Larry Mondello: Boy, Beaver, this could be the worst thing that ever happened to you in your whole life.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, I knew it could be, but I didn't know why yet.
Larry Mondello: Because when the other guys hear about it, they're gonna say you're just trying to be the teacher's pet.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But gee, Larry, you're not gonna tell them.
Larry Mondello: Oh, that's right. But look at all the other junk that could happen. What if your mom cooked her something that gave her toenail poisoning?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, I don't think my mom would poison a teacher.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [all dressed up, and very nervous about his teacher coming to dinner] Hey, Wally, what are you doing just lying there?
Wally Cleaver: I'm not doing anything. I'm just lying here.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You wouldn't want to take a bath, would you?
Wally Cleaver: Now why would I want to do that? Coach made us take a shower after practice.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, it wouldn't hurt you to take another one. I found this soap in the linen closet. I thought you might want to use it.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beaver, that stuff smells like flowers.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well it wouldn't hurt you to smell like flowers just for one night.
Wally Cleaver: Cut it out, Beaver. This is your teacher. Why should I have to smell good?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Wally, I'd take an extra bath for you sometime, if it was important enough.
Ward Cleaver: [later, just before Miss Landers arrives] Well, you dressed already, Beaver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, dad. How do I look?
Ward Cleaver: Well, you look just like a perfect little gentleman.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You want to smell me?
Ward Cleaver: No, I'll do that later.


"Leave It to Beaver: Uncle Billy's Visit (#6.26)" (1963)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [as Beaver and Gilbert are sitting in the theater manager's office] What do you think they'll do to us, Gilbert?
Gilbert Bates: They can't hit you or anything. That's against the law until you're 21.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, but I think they're allowed to shake us.
Gilbert Bates: I know what they'll do. They'll call our parents. I got a break though. My dad's not home. He's out golfing.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah. Well, my parents aren't home either. Only my Uncle Billy.
Gilbert Bates: Hey, Beav, that's a break for you. Isn't Uncle Billy the one who gave you money for the show and is always doing neat stuff for you?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, he's a swell guy.
Gilbert Bates: You're lucky. 'Cause if your dad was home, he'd take the side of the manager.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey. Uncle Billy wouldn't do that. He likes me and Wally real well. He lets us do anything we want to. Boy. You just wait and see. He won't let any manager push us around.

William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Your usher claims he saw my nephew let this friend of his in the exit door.
Mr. Gaines: Yes, sir.
William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: I see. Now Beaver. I know you have your side of this story. Theodore, did you open that door so your friend could sneak in?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, yes sir, but I...
William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Mr. Gaines. I want to thank you for calling me down here. I want to apologize for my nephew's actions. I've always been very fond of this boy. But right now I'm almost ashamed to have him for a nephew.
[Uncle Billy pauses]
William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: What do you think would be the right punishment for these two?
Mr. Gaines: Well, usually in these cases we bar the offenders from the theater for two weeks.
William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Two weeks? I wouldn't do that.
[Beaver looks toward Gilbert and smiles]
William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: I'd make it two months.
[Beaver gets shocked and sinks in the chair]

William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: [after Uncle Billy and Beaver arrive home] Theodore, I'm not finished with you yet.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh, I thought you were. On account of you didn't say anything to me in the car.
[Uncle Billy takes his hat off then walks further in the living room with an angry look]
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, gee, Uncle Billy, I didn't do anything so terrible. All I did was help a guy get in the movies.
William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: I'm not saying it's the first time it ever happened. When I was a kid, I crawled under my share of circus tents. But it's the setup of the thing that gets me hot under the collar.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: The setup?
William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Yeah. Your mother and father went away on a weekend, they left me here in charge. Now I tried to make it fun for you boys. I let you do as you want, come and go as you want, and I trusted you. But you took me for some kind of a pushover. Thought you could get away with anything.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But, gee, Uncle Billy, I...
William 'Uncle Billy' Cleaver: Don't "Uncle Billy" me. And don't give me any more of your lame excuses. Young man, you go up to your room. I'm very disappointed in you.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Bank Account (#1.19)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, why do we have to leave school at lunch time to get Dad the jacket?
Wally Cleaver: Well, this way we can buy the jacket and still get back in time to put the rest of the money in the bank account.
Theodore Cleaver: I sure hope the Assistant Principal Mr Bloomgarten doesn't catch us sneakin' out.
Wally Cleaver: Well, we'll go out the girls' entrance. He never watches that door.
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, why doesn't he ever watch the girls' entrance?
Wally Cleaver: 'Cause girls never do anything bad.

June Cleaver: You boys have a hard day at school today?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Mom, every day's hard at school.
Theodore Cleaver: The hardest part is waitin' for three o'clock.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally Stays at Lumpy's (#5.24)" (1962)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [handing telephone to Gilbert] Here, Gilbert. You better call your mom. You sure she'll let you stay?
Gilbert Bates: Oh, yeah. They don't need me. They still got my sister to push around, while I'm away.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [re-joining Gilbert on the floor after talking on the telephone] Did the Martians land from outer space yet?
Gilbert Bates: Yeah, they landed a couple minutes ago.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Boy, they're funny-lookin' little runts, aren't they.
Gilbert Bates: That's not them, ya goof, that's the commercial. They're the funny little guys that wreck your stomach if you don't take that stuff that fizzes.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Black Eye (#1.3)" (1957)
[last lines]
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Wally?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: What, Beav?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: The rules are a lot easier on grownups than they are for little boys.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Sure they are, Beaver. The grownups are the ones that make the rules.

Gus the Fireman: [Beaver takes Violet Rutherford to the firehouse to meet Gus] Oh, hi there, Beaver. I see you brought the Missus today.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [sheepishly] Gus, you know I'm not married.
Gus the Fireman: Oh, just goin' steady, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Stop teasin'. You know I'm never gonna get married. And if I do get married, I'm not gonna get married to a girl.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's New Suit (#2.10)" (1958)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You know what'd be great, Wally?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: What, Beav?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: A suit made out of bluejeans!

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You know, Wally, if I were Eddie's father, I wouldn't let him buy his own clothes.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Why not?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: 'Cause I don't like Eddie.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Newspaper (#2.30)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally and The Beaver are cleaning out the garage] Gee, Wally, a typin' machine.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. That's that old beat-up typewriter Dad used to have. He gave it to me.
Theodore Cleaver: How come you don't use it?
Wally Cleaver: Well, it didn't work so good after I dropped it.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh. Hey, Wally, what's the bell for?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, that's a signal you came to the end of the line, and you've gotta start a new one.
Theodore Cleaver: I guess a typewriter is just about the smartest machine there is.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Larry, when did your brother go away?
Larry Mondello: When he got married.
Theodore Cleaver: Do you ever get to play with him?
Larry Mondello: Nah, when people get married, you can't play with 'em.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I guess they're too big.
Larry Mondello: Yeah. And besides, they got a lot of worrying junk on their minds. And even if they played with ya, they wouldn't have any fun.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee whiz, how do people have fun when they're married and have a family?
Larry Mondello: They go out to dinner.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I guess when you're that old, you don't mind gettin' dressed up.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's House Guest (#4.2)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, when Chopper comes tomorrow, don't be mean to him.
Wally Cleaver: Why should I be mean to him? I don't even know him. Hey, how come they call him 'Chopper', anyway.
Theodore Cleaver: 'Cause his first name's Dryden.
Wally Cleaver: Oh. No wonder they call him 'Chopper'. Hey, but how come you're so afraid I'm gonna be mean to him?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, at camp I told him what a neat family we had, and how we're all happy and everything.
Wally Cleaver: What did you go and make up all that junk for?
Theodore Cleaver: We're happy, aren't we?
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, I guess we're happy.
Theodore Cleaver: That's good, 'cause sometimes I can't tell.

June Cleaver: We're happy to have you with us, Chopper. Come on in.
Chopper Cooper: Yeah, thanks. Say, uh, where's the old Beav anyways?
Theodore Cleaver: [rushing down the stairs] Chopper, Chopper!
Chopper Cooper: Hi, Beav.
Theodore Cleaver: Hi, Chopper. Look, I got on my camp sweater, too. Neat, huh?
[both boys are wearing shirts monogrammed 'Camp König']
Chopper Cooper: Yeah, neat. Just like at camp. Hey, Beav, hows about we give 'em the old camp cheer?
Theodore Cleaver: Sure.
Chopper and Beaver together: We are from Camp König, from Camp König are we / K - O - omlet - N - I - G. Yaaaay.
['omlet' is obviously the boys' version of 'umlaut']


"Leave It to Beaver: Voodoo Magic (#1.13)" (1958)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You know, I never did like that Eddie much. But now I hate him worse than ever.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, he is kind of a miserable guy. You know, I wouldn't like him at all if he wasn't my best friend.

Eddie Haskell: Hey fellas, let's go to the Globe again this week. They got a couple great pictures: "Monsters from Outer Space" and "The Thing that Creeps".
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Look, Eddie, we told'ya before. Mom doesn't want me takin' Beaver to those kind of pictures.
Eddie Haskell: Whats-a matter with you guys? You won't ever catch me listenin' to my parents. I never do.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie. Well, maybe that's why you're such a miserable creep.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie, maybe that's why you're such a miserable creep.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Kenneth (#4.12)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [in front of the bedroom mirror] What are you doin', Wally?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: I'm puttin' talcum powder on my beard, so it'll hide it.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But you don't got a beard.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah, but if I put enough talcum powder on it, nobody will know that.

June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, I just hope you realize that, wherever you go or whatever you do, there's always somebody watching you.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, Mom. You watch me, and Dad watches me, when I'm at school the teacher watches me, and when I go to the movies, the ushers watch me.
June Cleaver: No, Beaver, I mean somebody else.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, Mom, do you mean like God?
June Cleaver: Mmmhmm. And Beaver, if you do something bad, you're gonna hurt Him.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I wouldn't want to do anything to hurt God. He's got enough trouble with the Russians and all.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Doll Buggy (#4.38)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: [as Penny rides up on her bicycle] Hi, Penny.
Penny Woods: Beaver, you rat, I heard you gave my buggy wheels to Gilbert. And I bet you sold 'em to him, too, you creepy little spook, you.
Theodore Cleaver: Aaaahhhh.
Penny Woods: Baaaahhh!
[she rides away in disgust]
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Gilbert. I was just over at her house Saturday, and she was really friendly.
Gilbert Bates: It's your own fault, Beaver, for even *talkin'* to a girl.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I guess so. But you know somethin'? I might try it again... someday.
Gilbert Bates: Boy, Beaver, you're goin' flaky.

Theodore Cleaver: [rebuilding a coaster car] You know somethin' Wally?
Wally Cleaver: What's that, Beav.
Theodore Cleaver: You look a lot better when you've got dirt on ya.
Wally Cleaver: What are you drivin' at?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, since you started gettin' grown up and hangin' around girls, well, you're so neat you're a mess.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Well, foolin' around like this is still fun.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. Too bad a guy can't stay a kid all his life.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beaver, growin' up's rough on a guy. You gotta wait 'til you're an old man to act like a kid again.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. Then you can go to parties and wear funny hats, like Mr Rutherford does.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beav, I never want to get old enough to act like that.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally, the Businessman (#3.35)" (1960)
Wally Cleaver: I'm havin' trouble. Mr Nibling from the ice cream company is coming to collect tomorrow. I'm $3.75 short.
Theodore Cleaver: [unimpressed] Tough.
Wally Cleaver: Not only that. I'm not going to be able to pay Dad back the $5.00 I promised him every week for the bike.
Theodore Cleaver: Tougher.
Wally Cleaver: Hey, Beaver... Beaver, you've got $9.00 saved up. How 'bout if you lend me some dough, huh?
Theodore Cleaver: Why should I?
Wally Cleaver: 'Cause I'm short.
Theodore Cleaver: You're not short from givin' me free ice cream, you're short from givin' your crummy friends free ice cream.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, Beaver, you're a rat.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but I'm a rat with $9.00.

Theodore Cleaver: Mom, could I have something to eat?
June Cleaver: Well, how would you like an igloo bar? I'll pay for it.
Theodore Cleaver: Uh, uh. I wouldn't eat one of those crummy igloo bars of Wally's if I was starvin' out in the desert and my tongue was hangin' out.
Ward Cleaver: Care for a pickle, Beaver?
[trying to get rid of a jar of pickles he bought on impulse, he holds the jar just under Beaver's face]
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Dad, what happened in there?
Ward Cleaver: Why nothing, Beaver.
Theodore Cleaver: I think I'll have a salami sandwich.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Haircomb (#2.34)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver wants Ward to hear him recite the poem he's memorizing for school] I'm s'posed to memorize it. It's that hunk right there, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: You mean this stanza here?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, that's the hunk. Hear me on it.
Ward Cleaver: Well, go ahead.
Theodore Cleaver: Uh, you better give me the first word.
Ward Cleaver: [patiently] One.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, yeah. 'One if by land and two if by sea / And I on the opposite shore shall be. / Ready to ride and spread the alarm / to every middle-sized village and farm.'
Ward Cleaver: [amused] Oh, no, Beaver, it's not 'middle-sized' village and farm, it's the county of Middlesex. It's in Massachussetts.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, we don't have to learn where the town is, we just gotta learn the poem.
Ward Cleaver: Sorry.
Ward Cleaver: [later, upstairs] I just came up to see if Beaver would like me to hear his poem again, before he went to bed.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, sure, Dad. 'One if by land and two if by sea / And I on the opposite shore will be. / Ready to ride and spread the alarm / to every middle-aged village and farm... '
Ward Cleaver: Well, that's getting there.

Ward Cleaver: Well, Wally, don't your mother and I detect a slight difference in the way you're combing your hair?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Dad, I didn't think you'd notice.
Clarence Rutherford: Mr Cleaver, Eddie Haskell and all the guys are combin' their hair like that.
June Cleaver: Well, Clarence, I notice that you're not.
Clarence Rutherford: I would comb my hair like Wally's, Mrs Cleaver, but I got a funny-shaped head.
Ward Cleaver: [trying to be tactful] Oh, really, I hadn't noticed.
Clarence Rutherford: Daddy says it's because when I was a baby, I slept on one side too much.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, it is kinda lopsided.
June Cleaver: [quietly] Beaver!
Ward Cleaver: Uh, you know, fellas, it's a funny thing, um, speaking of fads...
Theodore Cleaver: We weren't speaking of fads. We were speakin' about Lumpy's lopsided head.
Ward Cleaver: Yes. Ah, what I was about to say is, um, there are always a lot of fellows who follow every fad that comes along. But there are also always a few who, uh, well who have enough individuality to sort of go their own way. You know what I mean, Wally.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Just like squares.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, eat your vegetables, boys.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Dramatic Club (#4.24)" (1961)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [complaining to his father and brother about his role in the school play] I'd rather go out on the stage in my underwear than kiss a girl!

Wally Cleaver: [Beaver gets the lead in a school play, then learns he has to kiss a girl in the story. He agrees, on condition that his family won't attend. After the play, the questioning:] What happened when you kissed Vicky?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, nothin'. I kissed her, then I climbed out of the castle window, and that was all.
Ward Cleaver: Well, now, then, that wasn't so bad after all, was it son?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: No. But I don't think I'll ever get to where I enjoy it as much as Wally does.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Cookie Fund (#2.35)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, if I did lose the cookie money, what do you suppose they'd do to me in school?
Wally Cleaver: Well, the kids might ostracise ya.
Theodore Cleaver: [getting worried] Gee, what's that?
Wally Cleaver: We just read about it in History. It's what they did to Benedict Arnold.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh. Did he lose some cookie money?

Theodore Cleaver: [as he hides his cookie money under his pillow for the night] Hey Wally, in the night, if a crook came in after my money, what would you do?
Wally Cleaver: Well heck, Beaver, no crook's comin' in after your eleven dollars.
Theodore Cleaver: How come?
Wally Cleaver: You've seen how it is on television. You gotta have at least two or three thousand dollars before a crook'll ever mess with ya.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I sure hope the crooks in Mayfield watch television.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Violet (#3.32)" (1960)
Hubert 'Whitey' Whitney: I saw her lookin' at you in class.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Was it a love look?
Hubert 'Whitey' Whitney: Nah. It was kind of a dumb look.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I think that's the same thing.

Violet Rutherford: [after a picture surfaces of her kissing Beaver at a picnic] Hello, Beaver.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hello, Violet.
Violet Rutherford: I've been looking for you all day.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I've got to go home and help my mother.
Violet Rutherford: I saw our picture on the magazine.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What about it?
Violet Rutherford: Well, I want to tell you something.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: You better not, I might punch ya.
Violet Rutherford: I'll tell you anyway. I only kissed you because my father told me to. I don't like you at all.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [obviously delighted] No foolin'?
Violet Rutherford: Of course I'm not foolin'. You're like all boys. You're dirty, and you're messy, and you do mean things.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, I was hopin' you didn't like me, but I was afraid to ask ya.
Violet Rutherford: No, I really don't like you. I'd rather kiss a dead lizard than kiss you again.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: That's neat, 'cause you make me feel creepy, too.
Violet Rutherford: Don't you dare go showing that picture to anybody.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh, don't worry. I already burned it up and spit on the ashes.


"Leave It to Beaver: A Horse Named Nick (#2.27)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: [Wally and The Beaver have to sell their old horse] Boy, you know, I'm really gonna miss Nick.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, me too. Well, at first it wasn't like havin' a dog or a rabbit that you could hold, but when I was sittin' with him this morning he put his head *right in my lap*.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah? No foolin'?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I never had anything that big like me before.

June Cleaver: [the carnival is in town, and the boys have gotten jobs there] Ward, I don't like the idea of those boys working around a carnival.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, dear, rubbing down horses and cleaning out cages and carrying water to animals, why - gee, I didn't know there was anything that wonderful left in the world for kids to do.
Theodore Cleaver: [upstairs, after washing up] Hey Wally, what happened to all the dirty clothes we took off?
Wally Cleaver: I think Mom threw 'em in the wash.
Theodore Cleaver: [disappointed] Gee, whiz. I wanted to go to school tomorrow smellin' like I worked at a carnival.
Ward Cleaver: [on Saturday, waiting for the boys to come home on their last day of carnival work] You know, this has been a great experience for them.
June Cleaver: Maybe. I'll be glad when they start coming home smelling like boys again.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally, the Lifeguard (#4.4)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver, on the telephone, talking about Wally's new job as a lifeguard at Friends Lake] And if we guys go up there, we can see Wally bein' a lifeguard, and touch him, and smell him and everything... Now listen, Gilbert, don't you go callin' up all the guys and tellin' about my brother's new job. He's *my* brother, and I got dibs on braggin' him up.

Theodore Cleaver: [Wally is too young to take the lifeguard job he was looking forward to, so he takes a job selling hot dogs and sodas at Friends Lake] Y'know Wally, I just been thinkin' - maybe tomorrow when you're sellin' hot dogs on the beach, all the other lifeguards'll be out rescuin' people, and there'll be this girl, and she'll start drownin', and you'll throw away your hot dogs and swim out and save her in front of all the people.
Wally Cleaver: Aw, cut it out, Beav. You know that's not gonna happen.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. And even if it did, on account of you're not 18, you'd have to throw her back.


"Leave It to Beaver: Tell It to Ella (#6.7)" (1962)
Eddie Haskell: Hey, I hear they've got you in solitary confinement. What'd you do, spill jam on your bib again?
Theodore Cleaver: No, I stayed out late, so I'm not allowed out on school nights.
Eddie Haskell: Hey, that's rough. If that ever happened to me, eight or nine girls would kill themselves.

Wally Cleaver: You know what you have, Beav? You have a persecution complex.
Theodore Cleaver: I do not. It's just that everybody's all the time pickin' on me.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Credit Card (#6.20)" (1963)
June Cleaver: Hi, honey. How was the movie?
Theodore Cleaver: It was OK.
June Cleaver: You don't sound very enthused.
Theodore Cleaver: No. Well, in the end the good guy got killed.
June Cleaver: That seems to be the trend today: to kill off the good guys.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, and the bad guy got the girl.
June Cleaver: Well, that doesn't seem right.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, but it worked out OK. They both got jungle fever and croaked.
June Cleaver: Well, it sounds like a very pleasant afternoon.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, there was a lot of good dyin' in that movie.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, how about drivin' me and Gilbert down to the malt shop?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, gee, Beav, I don't have any money for gas. Anyway, it's only a couple of blocks.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I'll buy you a gallon of gas. It'll be worth 32 cents to ride around like big shots.


"Leave It to Beaver: Brother vs. Brother (#5.31)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: If you want this girl to like you, you gotta quit goin' around like such a little slob.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. Boy, when you get mixed up with girls you sure have to give up a lot, don't ya?

Theodore Cleaver: You see, Mom, Mary likes me again and she asked me to walk her home, but I told her to drop dead.
June Cleaver: Oh, Beaver, couldn't you have thought of another way of saying it?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I thought of a lot of ways. But "drop dead" was the nicest.


"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Problem (#2.3)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: It's solid gold plastic.

Whitey Whitney: [Miss Landers has just announced the school's father-students picnic] What if you don't have a father, can your mother go?
Miss Alice Landers: Well, no, Whitey, this is just for... but Whitey, you do have a father.
Whitey Whitney: I know, but everybody doesn't. Then they'd be left out... I've got an uncle they could borrow, if they don't have one of those either.
Theodore Cleaver: [later, at home] My class is havin' a father-and-kids' picnic, and we're gonna get to bring food, and run on three legs, and everything.
June Cleaver: Well, that sounds exciting. Is there anything I can do to help?
Theodore Cleaver: You can make the food, but no women are allowed to come, unless they're a father.
June Cleaver: Well, that lets me out.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Team (#3.39)" (1960)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Hey, Beav, you want that Eddie Haskell and I should coach your team for you?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It'd be neat, if you do, Wally, but that Eddie - he's a mean guy.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, I'll do most of the coachin'. Eddie will just kinda hang around.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But he's the kind of guy that even hangs around mean.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [Beaver's football team loses because Penny spilled the secret play to the rivals] Yeah, Dad, and then she said she told Richard and Harry and all the Tigers about our secret play. How could a girl be so dumb as to do somethin' like that?
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, uh, you told it to her in the first place. That wasn't such a smart thing, either.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But gee, Dad, I didn't think it was being dumb.
Ward Cleaver: Well, son, I think you've learned something here: Never tell anyone anything you don't want repeated.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: But gee, Dad, I like to talk to people. How can I talk to 'em if I don't tell 'em stuff?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it's all right to talk to people, but if you're trying to keep a secret, you must be on your guard.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I guess you gotta be more on your guard with girls than you do with fellas, huh Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Well, yes, uh, but there's no need to tell your mother I said that.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh, don't worry, Dad. We're a couple-a guys that can tell each other stuff.
June Cleaver: [June opens the den door and comes in] There you are. Well, Beaver, what have you been discussing with your father?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [with pride, and a knowing smile] Nothing, Mom. We were just talking like the two of us were men.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Frogs (#4.35)" (1961)
Richard Rickover: If you get a real job like that in a shop, you gotta have a work permit and a social security number and all that stuff.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What's a social security number?
Richard Rickover: Oh, that's when you get too old to work, the government pays you for doin' nothin'.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee, how old do you have to be?
Richard Rickover: Real old. About 30, or 35, I guess.

Richard Rickover: [Beaver is coming out of a lingerie shop as Richard is walking by] Hey, Beaver!
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hi, Richard.
Richard Rickover: Hi, Beav. Hey, what were you doin' in there?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Lookin' for a job.
Richard Rickover: Selling ladies' nightgowns?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: 'Course not. Well, I was gonna ask them, well, if they needed a boy, you know, to sweep out and clean the windows, and stuff like that. But when I got in there, and saw all that creepy underwear lookin' at me, I sorta chickened out.
[NOTE: the words "lookin' at me" were added as a voiceover; Beaver originally just makes a face indicating his disgust]


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Cat Problem (#5.5)" (1961)
[last lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [referring to Gilbert's dog] Hey, Beaver, Archie really went home, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, I told him, and he went. You know, it's a lot easier talking to dogs than it is to cats.
Ward Cleaver: Cats are very smart, though, Beaver. It's just that when you call someone Bootsy-Wootsy, he's inclined to be a little difficult.

Gilbert Bates: Hi Beaver.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hi, Gilbert. What are ya doin'?
Gilbert Bates: Nothin'. What are you doin'?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh, I'm doin' nothin' too.
Gilbert Bates: If you're doin' nothin', how come you're pulling a wagon?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I don't know.
Gilbert Bates: What's in the box?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: A cat.
Gilbert Bates: Oh, neat! Can I help you bury it?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: It's a live cat.
Gilbert Bates: [obviously disappointed] Oh.


"Leave It to Beaver: Boarding School (#1.35)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: [talking with Johnny Franklin about his Military School] That sure sounds swell. I bet you don't get to carry guns, though.
Johnny Franklin: Why, sure we do.
Theodore Cleaver: Can you shoot real bullets with 'em?
Johnny Franklin: Well, the big guys have a rifle team. We drill with wooden guns.
Wally Cleaver: Well, gee, what's the good of havin' a gun if you can't shoot it?
Johnny Franklin: [he pauses to think] Well, if there was an invasion or something, you could hit guys with it.

Johnny Franklin: [bragging about his Military School] We even have two guys from the regular Army to teach us the drillin'. And you know somethin' else? All our teachers are men. Well, except the nurse.
Wally Cleaver: Oh, boy. All men teachers, huh?
Theodore Cleaver: No lady teachers?
Johnny Franklin: [proudly] Not a single one.
Theodore Cleaver: You mean you don't have to wash?
Johnny Franklin: Well sure, they make us wash. You get demerits if they find dirt on ya.
Wally Cleaver: Gee, Beaver, you have to wash no matter where you go to school.
Theodore Cleaver: [disappointed] Yeah, I guess so.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Gets Adopted (#2.22)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: What did you have in Sunday School, Larry?
Larry Mondello: We had about David and Goliath.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh. That's pretty neat, the way David killed him with that slingshot.
Larry Mondello: I woulda used a hand grenade.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I betcha he woulda too, if they'd've had 'em in those days.
Larry Mondello: Yeah. Last week we had about Samson. He killed a couple of thousand people with a piece of bone.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, we had about him, too.
Larry Mondello: Y'know, in Sunday School, they kill almost as many people as they do on television.

Larry Mondello: You mean last night your pop actually said he didn't want you any more?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, he almost said it. He said if I could find better parents, it'd be all right with him if I did.
Larry Mondello: The worst my father ever said to me was he wished I'd've been a girl.


"Leave It to Beaver: Kite Day (#4.37)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: I hope this isn't one of those ventures where we start out together and I wind up finishing alone.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, no, Dad. Mr Fairchild, who's running the contest for the friendly merchants, says, well, they're havin' it so fathers and sons can get together, well, and do junk.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, Dad. That's the big deal now. They think that it's sound psychology to make fathers feel like they're participating in the lives of their children.
Ward Cleaver: Well, I take it Mr Fairchild has no children of his own.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, no, Dad. He's our gym teacher. Only parents have children.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Wally, how come you're rubbin' that stuff in your hair?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, I, uh, I sorta got a date.
Theodore Cleaver: [dripping with contempt] I know. You want to smell good for a girl.
Wally Cleaver: Well, heck, Beav. Don't you ever want to smell good?
Theodore Cleaver: Sure, but not for a girl. To keep from gettin' yelled at.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Grass Is Always Greener (#2.15)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: We're having tuna sandwiches. It's a fish, but I never saw one all together.

Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, if you wanna get washed, I left some soapy water in the basin.
Wally Cleaver: No thanks, Beav, I already got washed with my own water.
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, what'cha readin'?
Wally Cleaver: A guy gave it to me at school. It's the Explorer's Handbook. It's a thing the Boy Scouts have for High School guys.
Theodore Cleaver: Do they go out in the woods, and cook without fires, and stuff like that?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, they go on hikes, but you oughta see the other neat stuff they do. Explorers have skin diving, they teach you how to sail, and fix cars, they show you how to get jobs, and put on plays. They even have dances.
Theodore Cleaver: Dances? With girls?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure, Beav. That's all there is to dance with.
Theodore Cleaver: I'd rather take a million hikes than dance with a girl.


"Leave It to Beaver: More Blessed to Give (#6.18)" (1963)
Theodore Cleaver: Dad, about girls.
Ward Cleaver: Yes?
Theodore Cleaver: Does it ever get better?
Ward Cleaver: [clearing his throat, a bit nervous] Well, Beaver, I wish I could say so, but the fact of the matter is, it, uh, it gets an *awful* lot worse before it gets better.

Wally Cleaver: [Wally is telling Beaver why he shouldn't have given an expensive gift to a girl he likes] You don't go around givin' an expensive hunk of stuff like that to everybody you like.
Theodore Cleaver: I know, Wally, but this is a different kind of likin'. It's not like Sunday School likin', or Ten Commandments likin', it's a kind of likin' that... well, you know what I mean.
Wally Cleaver: Sure, but... but Beaver, you're too young for that kind of likin'.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, if I'm too young for that kind of likin', how come I've got that kind of likin'?
Wally Cleaver: Search me. Maybe you've been seein' too many movies or somethin'. But Beaver, feelin' this way about a girl at your age can get you in nothin' but trouble.
Theodore Cleaver: But how can you get in trouble just feelin' good about somebody?
Wally Cleaver: Well, 'cause at your age a guy can feel good about a dog, or about basketball, or about your parents or somethin', but to feel good about a girl, that's murder!
Theodore Cleaver: I never thought of that.
Wally Cleaver: Look, Beaver, they have a rule in your school about kids not datin', don't they?
Theodore Cleaver: Well sure, but I'm not datin' her.
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, but givin' her an expensive present like that is worse. It looks like you're in love with her or somethin'. And a guy in the eighth grade just can't look like he's in love with a girl in the eighth grade.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, I didn't think it was that bad.
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure. You can't start actin' dumb and stupid about girls at least until you're in High School... A kid like you isn't supposed to go runnin' around like Frank Sinatra!


"Leave It to Beaver: One of the Boys (#5.34)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: [Wally has been invited to join The Barons, a High School club] They seem like a nice bunch of fellows?
Wally Cleaver: Gee, I don't know, Dad. Eddie says they're the craziest.
June Cleaver: Craziest?
Wally Cleaver: Oh, that doesn't mean they're squirrely or anything, Mom. It just means they're real cool guys.
Ward Cleaver: You know, when I was a boy, when we said 'crazy' we meant 'crazy'.
June Cleaver: [gently mocking] How backward!
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Mom, I'll bet in those days you said somethin' like 'swell', or somethin', huh Mom?
June Cleaver: Well, no, I think we said, 'keen'.
Theodore Cleaver: Keen? They don't even use that on _Dobie Gillis_ any more.
Theodore Cleaver: [later] Eddie said the Barons are real cool. You know what 'cool' means, don't you Mom?
June Cleaver: Mmm-hmm. Sometimes I think it means 'not so hot'.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, I never thought of it that way.
June Cleaver: Goodnight, Beaver.
Theodore Cleaver: Goodnight, Mom.

Ward Cleaver: [Wally wants to join the Barons, a club at his school] Wally, you don't seem to know many of the fellows well. Don't you think you should find out a little more about the Barons before you join up?
Theodore Cleaver: I know something about 'em. They're a weird bunch.
June Cleaver: What do you mean, weird?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, you oughta see 'em, Mom. They all wear gray trousers, and they've got these blue jackets and ties...
June Cleaver: Well, they sound to me like a nice group of gentlemen.
Theodore Cleaver: That's what I mean. *Weird.*


"Leave It to Beaver: Blind Date Committee (#3.1)" (1959)
June Cleaver: [BMOC Duke Hathaway has appointed Wally to the school dance committee] Who are you taking to the dance?
Wally Cleaver: If you're on the committee, you don't have to take anybody. You just spend the whole evening making the other guys have a good time.
Ward Cleaver: Was that the Duke's idea?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. He's got everything all organized. He even appointed two fellas just to see that none of the other guys throw sandwiches.
June Cleaver: Well, what's your job?
Wally Cleaver: The Duke's gonna tell me today. He told me yesterday he was too busy to talk to me.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, when I get to High School, I'm not going to any dances - even if they would let me throw sandwiches.
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, one of these days you'll change your mind about girls, the way Wally did.
Wally Cleaver: Gee Mom, I don't know if mine's changed all the way. There's an awful lot of girls that still give me the creeps.
Ward Cleaver: Well, just hang on to that feeling as long as you can, son.

Larry Mondello: What's the matter with your brother, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: He's all messed up with girls. He can't get a blind date for one for a dance.
Larry Mondello: I know how it is. My sister has trouble gettin' dates for dances and stuff.
Theodore Cleaver: How come?
Larry Mondello: 'Cause she's homely.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, that's right.
Larry Mondello: But my mother and father are always hollerin' at her.
Theodore Cleaver: Does that do any good?
Larry Mondello: Well, if they holler enough, she gets a cousin or somethin' to take her.
Larry Mondello: [later, Beaver and Larry are about to spy on Wally's blind date] Why does Wally want you to look at this girl?
Theodore Cleaver: 'Cause he's takin' her to the dance, and he wants to know what she looks like.
Larry Mondello: Oh. A fella once called me up and asked me what my sister looked like.
Theodore Cleaver: Did you tell him?
Larry Mondello: [horrified] *No!* She was sittin' right there!


"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Golf Clubs (#5.14)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: There's gonna be more yellin' and screamin' around here than when you were a little kid and you tried to put your marbles in the garbage disposal.
Theodore Cleaver: Maybe between now and Saturday I could buy Dad a new golf club.
Wally Cleaver: Now where are you gonna get the money? They cost around twelve bucks.
Theodore Cleaver: No foolin? Boy, when you grow up your toys sure cost a lot of money, don't they?
Wally Cleaver: How much money have you got?
Theodore Cleaver: About three dollars.
Wally Cleaver: Well, maybe you could buy it on some kind of an installment plan.
Theodore Cleaver: What's that?
Wally Cleaver: Well, that's a system they got so that people who can't afford stuff can buy it anyway.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, that's pretty neat. Does it really work?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure it does. How do you think Dad bought this house? He put up a down payment and then he pays the guy who owns the house somethin' every month.
Theodore Cleaver: You mean we're livin' in somebody else's house?
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, sorta.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, if they got mad at us or somethin', they could come over here and throw us out.
Wally Cleaver: Naw, they can't just come over and throw us out. This is a democracy. They've gotta pay a high-priced lawyer to come around and throw us out.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, I never knew lawyers had so much fun.

Theodore Cleaver: [Gilbert has found some golf balls, and suggests using Ward's golf clubs to hit them around] Gee, Gilbert, if we do that, we're liable to get in trouble.
Gilbert Bates: Beaver, everything that's fun can get you in trouble. Haven't you learned that yet?
Gilbert Bates: [they find the clubs in the hall closet] Here's a neat-lookin' one.
Theodore Cleaver: That's a driver. That's the one you use to hit the ball in the sand when you start off.
Gilbert Bates: [later, golfing in the yard] We'll hit it into those bushes over there.
Theodore Cleaver: Okay. Hey, Gilbert, you're holdin' it like a baseball bat. That's no good.
Gilbert Bates: It's good enough for Mickey Mantle.
Theodore Cleaver: He doesn't play golf. He just shaves and plays baseball.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Big Date (#5.8)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: Gilbert found a two-foot garter snake, and he's willing to sell me a half interest in it for fifteen cents!
June Cleaver: No, Beaver, now I don't want you buying any interest in any snake.
Theodore Cleaver: [later, on the living-room telephone] Okay, just a minute, I'll ask my Mom.
Theodore Cleaver: [to June] Hey, Mom, can I buy a half interest in Gilbert's garter snake for five cents?
June Cleaver: Well, the price certainly came down.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, that's 'cause he's dead.
June Cleaver: Beaver, I'm afraid the answer is still 'No'.
Theodore Cleaver: Aw, gee, Mom.
Theodore Cleaver: [back on the 'phone with Gilbert] I'm sorry, Gilbert, but my Mom won't let me. Well, yeah, OK. Gee, thanks a lot, Gilbert.
Theodore Cleaver: [he hangs up the phone, excited] He said I could have the whole thing for nothin'!
Ward Cleaver: Now Beaver, what on earth would you do with a dead garter snake?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I could scare girls with it 'til it gets rotten!

Theodore Cleaver: Is Wally home?
June Cleaver: Yes, he's upstairs. He's trying to imagine what kind of a girl he picked for the dance Saturday.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh yeah, today's the day they drew the girls out of the bowl.
June Cleaver: You like the idea, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, it sounds neat, only all's you get is a girl.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver the Babysitter (#5.27)" (1962)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [referring to Wally] Boy! You know, Dad? He really gets a goofy look on his face when he talks to girls. His face gets all red and sweaty. It's like he was catching a fever or something.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you know , Beaver, it is a kind of a fever - and, uh, one that you'll be catching one of these days, probably.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, I just hope when I get to be Wally's age they'll have shots for it or something.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [getting babysitting pointers from Wally] Am I allowed to hit him?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: No, you can't do that. It's against the law. Only parents have the legal right to shove their kids around.


"Leave It to Beaver: Forgotten Party (#2.36)" (1959)
Larry Mondello: Hey, you got anything to eat in your house?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah. We got stuff to eat. But most of it's frozen.
Larry Mondello: I mean like uh... like an apple.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Larry, I thought you had a banana left over from your lunch.
Larry Mondello: Well, I do. But I like to eat other people's stuff before I eat my own.

Ward Cleaver: [Beaver forgets about a friend's birthday party; instead he goes out and falls into the tar on a new road; Ward is scrambling to get him 'presentable'] Will you tell me how you could possibly forget an invitation to a birthday party?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Gee Dad, David invited me way last Wednesday. I was too busy worryin' about Wednesday's stuff to remember any of Saturday's stuff.
Wally Cleaver: Hey Dad, he's still smelly.
Ward Cleaver: Go get some of your mother's perfume.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [beginning to panic] Gee Dad, I can't go to the party smellin' like a girl!
Ward Cleaver: Well, uh, get some of my shaving lotion.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I can't go to the party smellin' like a father, either.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you're not going to go smelling like a bucket of tar. And don't you dare cry!
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, Beav. You want Dad to start hittin' ya?
[Ward shoots him a withering glance]
Wally Cleaver: [sheepishly] Uh, perfume or shaving lotion?
Ward Cleaver: Both.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Glamour Girl (#4.10)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, do you have any idea why Wally would make up a thing like this basketball practice?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I guess it's because it isn't football season.

[first lines]
June Cleaver: [the family is seated at the dinner table] Beaver, you're storing food in your cheek there like a squirrel.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Sure, Mom. By doing it this way, I get more mileage out of one mouthful.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's First Date (#5.13)" (1961)
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [Beaver tries to call a girl for a date, but hangs up the phone while dialing] What's the matter now?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I just thought: what if her mother answers?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh, it usually pays to be real nice to mothers. If she answers, you should say, um, "Good evening, Mrs. Patterson. I hope I'm not disturbing you, but may I please speak to Betsy?"
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Okay.
[resumes dialing, then pauses]
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What if her father answers?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Oh, uh, when that happens, I usually just hang up.

Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey, Wally, when Mom first asked you about being a chaperon you squawked all over the place. How come all of a sudden you changed your mind?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Awww, 'cause Dad gave me a lecture about family responsibility. And five dollars.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [with a hint of sarcasm] Oh. Dad sure knows how to talk to kids, doesn't he.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [a short time later] Hey, Wally, you're taking that Julie Foster, aren't you?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah. Mrs Thompson called up her mother and got her to be a chaperon, too.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Do you think her mother had to pay her five dollars?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Naah, you don't have to bribe girls to go to dances and parties and stuff. They've got a natural instinct for standin' around lookin' stupid.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Rat (#4.31)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver brings home a rat named Peter Gunn] That's a very fine looking rat, Beaver. But I, uh, I have a feeling that your mother would be a lot happier if you traded him for something else.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, what's Mom got against rats?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, it's not just your mother, Beaver. It's, uh, well it's just that women don't seem to have as soft a spot in their hearts for rats as we men do.
Wally Cleaver: Sure, Beav. You know how it is. They don't like blood, or dirt, or any of those neat things.
June Cleaver: [later] Did you talk Beaver into getting rid of that rat?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, yeah, he's going to try and trade him for something else tomorrow.
June Cleaver: Good. How'd you convince him?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, I just told him that women were full of strange quirks, and it was up to us to humor them.
June Cleaver: [Beaver's solution prompts an evening visit by Fred Rutherford to the Cleaver household] What's the trouble, Squire?
Ward Cleaver: Well, it seems that Beaver sold Peter Gunn to Violet Rutherford for $3.00.
June Cleaver: Well, that sounds like a very good deal.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, it was too good a deal. After all, Violet's just a girl. She can't be expected to know the going price of rodents.


"Leave It to Beaver: Her Idol (#2.6)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, I don't like Linda, why should I feel bad 'cause she's sittin' in a tree with Larry?
Wally Cleaver: I don't know. I don't like Mary Ellen Rogers either, but I feel kind of bad when I see her talking to some of the other guys in school. I guess that bad feeling is what makes people get married.
Theodore Cleaver: Search me, Wally.


"Leave It to Beaver: Part-Time Genius (#1.14)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, are we really gonna have a test tomorrow?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I think they're givin' it to everybody in school.
Theodore Cleaver: How come you're not studying?
Wally Cleaver: They didn't give us any homework. It's not the kind of test you study for. It's a test in intelligence.
Theodore Cleaver: I guess they don't teach intelligence in the Second Grade.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Chuey (#2.4)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: [the boys are working on Wally's bike in the garage] Wally, do we have to have these kids hangin' around? Tell 'em to beat it.
Wally Cleaver: You tell 'em, Eddie. You're takin' Spanish, and always braggin' how good you are.
Theodore Cleaver: Can you really talk to him in Spaniard, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: If I want to.
Theodore Cleaver: Tell him he can stay overnight, and maybe in the morning we'll make a skate coaster.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, go on, Eddie.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, Eddie, go on.
Eddie Haskell: [to Chuey] ¿Como está Ud.?
Chuey Varela: [con sorpresa y alegría] Bien, gracias. ¿Beaver y yo podamos sacar tu bicicleta?
Eddie Haskell: He speaks Spanish, all right.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Takes a Drive (#5.7)" (1961)
The Father: [emerging from the door to the Juvenile Traffic Court] Kendall, I hope you're satisfied.
The Boy: Gee, Dad, don't yell at me here.
The Father: [angrily] Why shouldn't I yell at you? You lost your driver's license, didn't you?
The Boy: Well, gee, Dad, it wasn't all my fault.
The Father: [almost shouting] What do you mean by that?
The Boy: Well, Mom said I should have gone to driving school instead of having you teach me.
[they leave]
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Wally, I hope nobody yells at us like that. I feel creepy enough wearin' my new suit.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Dance (#3.21)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver has just come home after he and Larry ditched dancing school and rode a horse] June, Fred Astaire and Gene Kelly are home.
Larry Mondello: [whispering to The Beaver] Is your father makin' a joke?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I think so.
June Cleaver: Well, how was dancing school?
Larry Mondello: Just fine, Mrs Cleaver. Wasn't dancing school just fine, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh yeah, dancing school was just fine.
June Cleaver: Beaver, your suit - it's all wrinkled and mussed up.
Larry Mondello: They played some pretty fast numbers, Mrs Cleaver.
Ward Cleaver: [sensing that something is wrong] Boys, won't you sit down?
June Cleaver: Beaver, look at you. You're covered with hair.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Mom, maybe some of the girls were sheddin'.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Dream Girl (#4.29)" (1961)
June Cleaver: Did everything go alright at school today, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Mom, I never know until report cards come out.


"Leave It to Beaver: Dance Contest (#2.33)" (1959)
Wally Cleaver: [at dinner, Wally reads his invitation to the Country Club Cotillion] Now why would Mary Ellen Rogers pull a dirty trick like this on me?
June Cleaver: Well, Wally, I think it was very sweet of her to ask you.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, son, it's quite an honor.
Theodore Cleaver: What's a "quotillion"?
Wally Cleaver: Aw, that's a creepy dance where a bunch of parents hang around and make sure you don't have any fun.
June Cleaver: Wally, I think you'll have a lovely time. Besides, this is the sort of thing you *should* go to. You know, a boy can't go through life wearing blue jeans and a T-shirt.
Theodore Cleaver: [with a touch of panic] Gee, Mom, why not?


"Leave It to Beaver: Lumpy Rutherford (#1.16)" (1958)
[the boys have set a trap for Lumpy and are trying to lure him out of the house ]
Wally Cleaver: [shouting] Lumpy! Hey, Lumpy! C'mon out, Lumpy!
Fred Rutherford: Geraldine, what's that? *Note, Mrs. Rutherford was called Geraldine, not Gwendolin in first season episodes.
Gwen Rutherford: Sounds like somebody calling.
Theodore "Beaver" Cleaver: [shouting] Lumpy, dumpy, you big ape!
Fred Rutherford: Must be for Clarence.
Wally Cleaver: [shouting] Hey, Meathead! Meathead!
Gwen Rutherford: Might be for you, dear.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally and Alma (#3.25)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, did you skunk the girl at tennis?
Wally Cleaver: No, I didn't skunk her. She won.
Theodore Cleaver: You got beat by a girl?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, well, uh, I kind of let her win. Y'know, when you're playin' with a girl that's sort of the polite thing to do. Anyway, her mother was watchin'.
Theodore Cleaver: How come it works that way?
Wally Cleaver: What way?
Theodore Cleaver: You gotta be nice and polite to girls, but they don't have to be polite to you.
Wally Cleaver: Well, uh, it's kinda like chivalry. The knights started that stuff a long time ago.
Theodore Cleaver: You mean, on account of a lot of dead guys, we've gotta let girls push us around?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Prep School (#6.27)" (1963)
Ward Cleaver: [Aunt Martha wants to send Beaver to a prep school, but he has decided he wants to stay in Mayfield] Beaver, you've put everyone on a spot here. But, of course, we're not going to force you to go to a school you don't want to go to.
Theodore Cleaver: [relieved] Gee, thanks Dad. And when you tell Aunt Martha, will you please not make me sound like it's a little rat.
Ward Cleaver: Me tell Aunt Martha? Oh, no, young man. You got yourself into this and you're going to get yourself out. If you were old enough and capable enough to decide you wanted to go in the first place, then you're old enough and capable enough to tell Aunt Martha that you've changed your mind and you're not going.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, it sure is rough being old and capable.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Ivanhoe (#3.36)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: [encouraging Beaver to read Sir Walter Scott's "Ivanhoe" for his school assignment] There's a lot of excitement in the book, Beaver. You see, these knights fought to defend their code of honor. And they, oh, they rode all over the countryside, avenging wrongs and protecting the weak.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. And my History teacher says that in between times they ate like pigs.
Ward Cleaver: Wally!
Wally Cleaver: Well sure they did. They ate on these big wooden tables, and they had their dogs runnin' around underneath the tables so they could wipe their hands on 'em.
Theodore Cleaver: [excited] Boy, could we get a dog to do somethin' like that, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Well, people lived differently then, Beaver. But it was a time of great adventure and excitement. I know you're gonna like "Ivanhoe".
Theodore Cleaver: [looking at the book Ward has given him] Well, I guess so, Dad. But it sure is a lot fatter than "Hoppy the Kangaroo".
Theodore Cleaver: [after Ward goes downstairs] Hey Wally, does this guy really kill a lot of guys?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure. Then he gets in this big tournament with eight or nine guys, and he goes around spearin' them off their horses, like marshmallows.
Theodore Cleaver: And everybody eats like a pig?
Wally Cleaver: Sure. They throw food all over the place.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Wally, this sounds like the neatest book I ever read!


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Weekend Job (#5.6)" (1961)
Ward Cleaver: I saw Beaver out front. He tells me Wally's gone down to see about that part-time job at the soda fountain.
June Cleaver: Yes, Mr Gibson, the owner's making his decision today.
Ward Cleaver: Y'know, I think Wally has a very good chance to get it.
June Cleaver: Well I don't know why not, you know, he's very well-mannered, he's polite, he's conscientious.
Ward Cleaver: And he has his father's charm.
June Cleaver: That's right, but maybe Mr Gibson will overlook that.
Ward Cleaver: [that night at dinner] Well, Wally, I'm sure proud of you getting that job with Mr Gibson.
Wally Cleaver: Well, gee, thanks a lot, Dad.
Theodore Cleaver: That's neat, Wally, but when do you start being a jerk down at the soda fountain?


"Leave It to Beaver: Junior Fire Chief (#4.34)" (1961)
Penny Woods: [everybody is hitting up Beaver to vote for them for Junior Fire Chief, when Penny "accidentally" bumps into him in the hallway] Why Beaver Cleaver, it's *you*. Why, you're getting so big and tall that I didn't recognize you.
Theodore Cleaver: [suspiciously] You see me every day.
Penny Woods: Yes, but not this close.
[she moves shoulder-to-shoulder with him]
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, it's creepy, isn't it.
Penny Woods: Y'know Beaver, you're the nicest boy in our whole class.
Theodore Cleaver: I am?
Penny Woods: Oh yes, Beaver. You never throw stuff at the girls at recess, or tease them, or make sick noises while we're eating or anything. And I was telling my mother the other day: That Beaver Cleaver is the nicest-looking boy in dancing school. And she said...
Theodore Cleaver: Uh, Penny...
Penny Woods: Yes, Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: I'm not gonna vote for ya.
Penny Woods: Beaver Cleaver, you're a smelly little skunk!
Theodore Cleaver: I'm still not gonna vote for ya.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Track Meet (#4.18)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Wally. You know what? Well, I'd like to go to some other planet where they didn't have any rules at all.
Wally Cleaver: Look, Beaver, I betcha even if you went to the moon, they'd have signs all over the place, like, um, like, 'Don't spit in the craters', and junk like that.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I guess you can't have any real fun until you croak.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Dinner Date (#6.1)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: [Wally calls the restaurant before his date, to get an idea how much it will cost] Hello? The White Fox? Um, I was just wondering about the price of your dinners. Just a minute.
Wally Cleaver: [to Eddie and The Beaver] He wants to know somethin' about 'a la carte' or 'table d'hote'.
Eddie Haskell: Never mind that French jazz, just ask him how much soup is.
Wally Cleaver: [back on the 'phone] Excuse me, sir, but, uh, how much is your soup? *Eighty cents!* How much is coffee? *Holy mackerel.* I mean, thank you, anyway.
Wally Cleaver: [off the 'phone] Wow, coffee's forty cents.
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, that's a dollar-twenty apiece. That's two-forty for both of ya. If you don't eat anything else, you just might make it.
Eddie Haskell: Listen, Squirt, no girl in the world is gonna settle for a liquid diet.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, oh boy.
Eddie Haskell: I hate to say this, Gertrude, but I think that somewhere in between the soup and the coffee, you're gonna get murdered!


"Leave It to Beaver: Mistaken Identity (#4.28)" (1961)
Richard Rickover: Why don't we go down to the old McMahon house and mess around?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Nah, my dad doesn't want me hangin' aroung that old house - a guy could get hurt.
Richard Rickover: Aw, I bet you're afraid to go down there because you think it's haunted.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I do not - and there's no such things as ghosts - and anyway, they don't come out in the afternoon.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Library Book (#3.18)" (1960)
Ward Cleaver: In the first place, it's always wrong to tell a lie, and in the second place, you just build up more trouble for yourself by not facing the truth.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I wouldn't mind facin' the truth, if so much hollering didn't go with it.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Jacket (#5.19)" (1962)
Wally Cleaver: [about their parents] Hey, did they give it to you good?
Theodore Cleaver: Nuh-uh. They couldn't think of any good reason to give it to me.
Wally Cleaver: Wow, you must have told them a real wild story.
Theodore Cleaver: I did. I told them the truth.


"Leave It to Beaver: My Brother's Girl (#1.27)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver confides in his Dad that he took Wally over to Mary Ellen Rogers's house, and they basically told him to get lost] You know, Dad, now it's all over with, I feel kinda silly.
Ward Cleaver: Well Beaver, I'll tell you something about women. They have a wonderful capacity for love and understanding. Their tenderness and their sweetness are all-encompassing. But at times, they do have a knack of making us men look very, very silly.
June Cleaver: [unknown to Ward or The Beaver, June has been listening] I heard that, Ward Cleaver!
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, hi Mom.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, hi Mom.
June Cleaver: [annoyed] Hi. Ward, you ought to be ashamed of yourself, putting ideas like that in The Beaver's mind.
Ward Cleaver: Oh yeah? Do you know what Mary Ellen Rogers did? She used The Beaver in order to get Wally to take her to the dance tonight. And don't look so shocked, because it's exactly what you predicted she'd do.
June Cleaver: I'm not shocked. As a woman, I'm very proud of Mary Ellen.
Ward Cleaver: You mean you think women *should* act this way?
June Cleaver: It's the way women *have* to act. Well, if we sat around and waited until you men got interested in us and got good and ready to settle down and have families, why this whole continent of America would be nothing but buffaloes, jack-rabbits and grizzly bears.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Yard Birds (#5.32)" (1962)
[last lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Boy! When we got to the dump - that was really funny.
June Cleaver: What happened there?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, after we dumped the stuff, Lumpy couldn't get his car started.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Yeah - so we all had to get out and start pushin'.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Yeah - just then this guy from The City came along and started blowin' his top.
Ward Cleaver: What for?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, he saw Lumpy's car, and he thought we were tryin' to steal it from the dump.


"Leave It to Beaver: Mother's Day Composition (#3.31)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [with family at kitchen table] Dad, can I have twenty cents for flowers for Miss Landers?
June Cleaver: What's the occasion?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: She's sick.
June Cleaver: Oh, that's too bad. Is she going to be out long?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, I guess so - we're spending four dollars. When she was sick with the flu, we only spent two-fifty.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Sees America (#6.37)" (1963)
Wally Cleaver: Hey, how come you're gettin' all dressed up tonight... using my Arabian Nights after shave lotion?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, what's wrong with it? You use it.
Wally Cleaver: Well, yeah, but you're too young to start smellin' good.
Theodore Cleaver: A guy's gotta start some time.
June Cleaver: [later, June finds out Beaver didn't go to Whitey's house, as he had said] Ward, aren't you worried?
Ward Cleaver: Not particularly. I got a whiff of him as he went by.
Mary Margaret Matthews: [then Beaver is seen on a porch swing talking to Mary Margaret] I've heard it said by some that it isn't manly for a man to use perfume.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, I'm not using perfume.
Mary Margaret Matthews: Well, whatever it is, it's a lovely scent. I don't see why a boy shouldn't smell good if he can.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Poem (#2.1)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: Could you help me, Dad? I gotta write a poem for school.
Ward Cleaver: Oh, not tonight, Beaver, I had a very hard day at the office... when's the poem due?
Theodore Cleaver: Tomorrow.
Ward Cleaver: Tomorrow? A poem? Oh, Beaver, I don't know.
Theodore Cleaver: Miss Landers is gonna be mad at me if I don't bring it. It's for the school paper.
Ward Cleaver: When did she first ask you to do this?
Theodore Cleaver: Mmmm, just about three weeks ago.
Ward Cleaver: Three weeks ago? Well, then, why are you coming to me with it tonight?
Theodore Cleaver: Because it's due tomorrow!


"Leave It to Beaver: The Hypnotist (#3.24)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: With a girl?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah she's sort of a girl.
Theodore Cleaver: You know something Wally?
Wally Cleaver: What?
Theodore Cleaver: You're getting to be an awful wiseguy since you started taking baths.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Caddy (#6.21)" (1963)
[first lines]
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: [the whole family is seated around the breakfast table] And another thing, Beav, if you find any lost golfballs on the course, don't pick 'em up 'til they stop rollin'.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Who do you think I am - Eddie Haskell?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Joins a Record Club (#6.9)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: [listening to a Rock 'n Roll record with Gilbert] I remember when Wally used to play stuff like this. I never liked 'em much then, but now I think they're terrific.
Gilbert Bates: Yeah, I guess a guy has to grow up to appreciate good music... Which one do you want to hear next?
Theodore Cleaver: [reading labels] "Thump, Thump, Thump, My Heart is Marching", "Theme from the Three-eyed Monster" - Boy, these are all great. Where did your sister get 'em?
Gilbert Bates: Oh, she joined one of those record clubs, and it only cost her 87 cents a week...
Theodore Cleaver: I'm gonna ask my Dad if I can join.
Gilbert Bates: Do you think he'll let ya?... Beav, I think this'll work. You know our parents are always going for that 'educational' stuff? Well, maybe if you got one of those classical records every now and then, he'd go for it.
Theodore Cleaver: Do they have classical stuff?
Gilbert Bates: Oh, sure they do. Look: "Rachmaninoff Concerto Number Two - by the Harmonica Rascals".
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, that oughta do it.
June Cleaver: [later, when the first package of records is delivered] Beaver... there's a package here for you.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, boy, Mom, it's from the record company... You know what I got for my 87 cents?
June Cleaver: Couldn't guess.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, I got Billy Baxter's "Cryin', Sighin' and Dyin' for You", "My Wild Irish Geisha", and "You're Drivin' me Ape, You Big Gorilla". Some bargain, huh, Mom?
June Cleaver: Mmmm, some bargain!


"Leave It to Beaver: The Book Report (#6.30)" (1963)
June Cleaver: [Beaver hasn't done his book report, and his library book is overdue] Beaver, haven't you read any of it?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, yeah, I read the whole first chapter. But it was so long ago, I don't remember it.
Ward Cleaver: Yes, well you just put that ball and glove away and get started on it right now.
Theodore Cleaver: But gee, Dad, it's a thick book. It'll take me at least two whole days to read it.
Ward Cleaver: Well, you should have thought of that two weeks ago.
Theodore Cleaver: I did. I guess that's why I didn't read it.
June Cleaver: Why did you pick such a thick book?
Theodore Cleaver: Cause I got to the library last, and all the thin ones were taken.
Wally Cleaver: [later] "The Three Musketeers" is a great book... Wait 'til you get into it. There's all kinds of fightin', and blood, and everything.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but library books are no good for book reports.
Wally Cleaver: What do you mean?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, on store-bought books they have covers, and on the cover it tells what the story is all about.


"Leave It to Beaver: School Play (#2.11)" (1958)
Ward Cleaver: Well - guess this is your big night, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, I guess so.
Ward Cleaver: Well, sure. You got a big part in the play. All your friends are gonna be there. Expect you got some butterflies in your stomach, huh?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: How would they get in there, Dad?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Goes in Business (#4.36)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: Dad, do you think I ought to try again?
Ward Cleaver: Well, of course I do. If I were you and Gilbert, I'd go out first thing tomorrow and line up a real job cutting lawns. Only, uh, this time, make your deal before you cut the lawn, not after.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Yeah, Dad's just using Child Psychology on ya, Beav. It's like this movie I saw on TV, where this Army pilot cracked up his plane on his first flight, and he wanted to quit flyin'.
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, and his squadron leader sent him right out again on another flight.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. Yeah, that's what happened.
Ward Cleaver: And he overcame his fear.
Wally Cleaver: No, he never got the plane off the ground. Ran it smack into the hangar. But they gave him a neat funeral. They had the band goin', and everything. Could you pass the bread, please?


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Pug Nose (#2.19)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: [trying to convince Wally not to be self-conscious about his "pug" nose] You know, when I was your age, I went through an experience very like this.
Wally Cleaver: About your nose?
Ward Cleaver: No, my ears. Some kid called me "elephant ears", and I got to thinking I was a regular Dumbo. Well, they didn't sell ear-flatteners in those days, so I started putting adhesive tape right here...
[he points to his ear lobes, laughing at himself]
Ward Cleaver: ...to keep the ears flat.
Theodore Cleaver: How come it didn't work, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: [annoyed] Beaver, I'm talking to Wally, please.


"Leave It to Beaver: School Bus (#3.3)" (1959)
Theodore Cleaver: You want me, Dad?
Ward Cleaver: Yes, Beaver. This note came from school today.
Wally Cleaver: [sensing trouble] Uh, I was just goin' downstairs, Dad.
Ward Cleaver: Fine.
Wally Cleaver: Uh, I'll see ya, Beav.
Theodore Cleaver: See ya, Wally.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, you've been riding the school bus for five days now...
Theodore Cleaver: Four.
Ward Cleaver: [patiently] All right, four. Sit down. And now you've been suspended for 'conduct not up to fourth grade behavior pattern.' What did you do?
Theodore Cleaver: I hit a kid on the head.
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, that was a terrible thing to do.
Theodore Cleaver: No it's not, it was Charles Fredericks.
Ward Cleaver: Well, why would you suddenly hit Charles Fredericks on the head?
Theodore Cleaver: 'Cause he suddenly hit me on the head first.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Short Pants (#1.11)" (1957)
Mr. Bloomgarden: Did you start this fight, Beaver?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: No sir, my pants did.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally Buys a Car (#6.16)" (1963)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally is explaining why he should have his own car, and Beaver tries to help] Dad, I just thought of something. Sometime your car might break down on a Sunday.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, I'll admit the possibility, but why is it so horrifying?
Theodore Cleaver: Well gee, Dad, don't you see? Then we couldn't get to church. You wouldn't want us to miss church, would ya?
Ward Cleaver: [slightly bemused] Now, son, don't you think it's a little unfair to bring up the religious issue in this campaign?


"Leave It to Beaver: Don Juan Beaver (#6.32)" (1963)
Gilbert Bates: [in the school lunchroom] Hey, Whitey, how come you have three desserts? You're only supposed to have one.
Whitey Whitney: I traded my hot dog with Alan, and my beans with John.
Theodore Cleaver: Won't you get sick eating nothin' but desserts?
Whitey Whitney: Sure!


"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Millions (#4.16)" (1961)
Hubert Whitney: Hey, Beaver, when your father's a millionaire, you think you'll go to the same school?
Theodore Cleaver: Nah, I'll prob'ly have to go to one of them rich schools.
Hubert Whitney: What are they like?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, they're the same as regular schools, 'cept they don't have any girls.
Hubert Whitney: Yeah, I guess that's one good thing about havin' money.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Makes a Loan (#3.11)" (1959)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey, Wally, what are you doin'?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Sit-ups.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What are they?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: They're push ups, only you do 'em sittin' down.


"Leave It to Beaver: New Neighbors (#1.5)" (1957)
Theodore Cleaver: Dad, you're a married man, aren't you?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, I think we're safe in assuming that.
Theodore Cleaver: And Mom's a married woman, isn't she?
Ward Cleaver: Oh, yes.
Theodore Cleaver: Have you ever kissed any other married woman besides Mom?
Ward Cleaver: Well... now, Beaver, why would you ask a question like that?
Theodore Cleaver: I'm just wondering.
Ward Cleaver: Well, actually son, No.
Theodore Cleaver: I guess you were scared to, huh?
Ward Cleaver: Yeah, that's as good a way as any to sum it up, I guess.
Theodore Cleaver: I guess a guy could get in a lot of trouble doing that, huh?
Ward Cleaver: [a wistful smile crosses Ward's face] He sure could.


"Leave It to Beaver: Box Office Attraction (#6.23)" (1963)
Gilbert Bates: [standing on the sidewalk in front of a bar 'n' grill] Hey, Beaver, let's wait here awhile.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: How come?
Gilbert Bates: To watch people come out. Some of 'em walk and talk real funny.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I don't think they're funny. I think they're sad.
Gilbert Bates: Yeah, I guess so. There's nothin' sadder than seein' old people try to be happy.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Gilbert (#2.25)" (1959)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: I got it memorized... in my head.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Pipe (#2.9)" (1958)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Do you know how to smoke, Larry?
Larry Mondello: Sure. It's just like blowing bubbles, only you breathe the other way.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's License (#6.3)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally asks to get his driver's license, and his parents leave the room to discuss the matter] What are you gonna do, Wally, if they say No?
Wally Cleaver: What can I do?
Theodore Cleaver: I think you can get Dad to OK it, but Mom's the one who's puttin' up the fight.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah. That's because she was never a guy.


"Leave It to Beaver: Mother's Helper (#4.23)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Wally, when you get married are you gonna have your wife do the dishes?
Wally Cleaver: Well, sure. That's what a girl is supposed to do. All the housework, and the dishes, and all that kinda stuff.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, when I grow up, I'm not gonna marry a girl.
Wally Cleaver: [with a hint of sarcasm] Oh, you're not?
Theodore Cleaver: Huh-uh. I'm gonna have paper plates instead.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Bad Day (#1.34)" (1958)
Theodore Cleaver: This is one of my good suits, Eddie. My Mom's gonna be pretty sore when she finds out what happened.
Eddie Haskell: Wait a minute, kid. You're not gonna be a little squealer are ya?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, you're the one that did it.
Eddie Haskell: Yeah, but if you go around squealin' on guys, nobody's gonna like ya.
Larry Mondello: Is that why nobody likes you, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: Shut up, fat boy.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Accordion (#4.13)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Eddie do you really think I could become a big star?
Eddie Haskell: What are you talking about? If it could happen to Fabian it could happen to anyone.


"Leave It to Beaver: Lumpy's Car Trouble (#5.26)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver answers the doorbell] Hey Wally, goofy Lumpy's here.
Clarence Rutherford: Look, kid, to you the name's Clarence.
Theodore Cleaver: Hey Wally, goofy Clarence is here.


"Leave It to Beaver: Bachelor at Large (#6.8)" (1962)
Clarence Rutherford: [Eddie has left home to live in his own apartment] That guy's really livin' it up. The only time he's been back home is to get clean sheets.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, have you boys, uh, seen where he's living?
Wally Cleaver: Well, not yet. Eddie says he's been pretty busy and hasn't had a chance to have the guys over yet.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, it must really be neat to have your own place, and to be your own boss.
Clarence Rutherford: Yeah. Eddie says he's even gonna get a telephone. Boy, wouldn't that be a blast? You could talk all night to your girl without your snoopy parents tell... This is very good pot roast, Mrs Cleaver.
June Cleaver: Thank you, Clarence.
Ward Cleaver: Uh, well, I wonder if Eddie is enjoying a meal like this in his room tonight.
Clarence Rutherford: Oh, he's doing very well, Mr Cleaver. He's been buying TV dinners.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, does he have his own television set?
Clarence Rutherford: Not yet. He eats the TV dinners and listens to the radio.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Andy (#3.20)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey, Wally, what kinda trouble to you think Andy's got?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: I don't know, but it must be somethin' pretty neat if they don't want him to do it around us.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Crush (#1.8)" (1957)
Wally Cleaver: Wait a minute, you mean the kids are right? You do like Miss Canfield?
Theodore Cleaver: She's all right.
Wally Cleaver: Boy, I wouldn't think of likin' my teacher.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, but Miss Canfield is a lot prettier than Mr Bloomgarten.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver on TV (#6.22)" (1963)
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Dad, you don't know what it's like to keep tellin' the truth, and nobody'll listen or believe ya.
Ward Cleaver: Well, Beaver, if it's any consolation to you, the same thing's happened to an awful lot of people. Big people and little people. They tried to tell the truth, and others just wouldn't listen to them or believe them. But the important thing is, no matter if anyone believes you, you just keep on telling the truth.
Theodore Cleaver: I'll tell you the truth right now, Dad: I'm never gonna get mixed up with television again!


"Leave It to Beaver: Substitute Father (#4.39)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: [Beaver's teacher asks for a parent conference to discuss Beaver's use of bad language, but Ward is out of town, so Beaver writes a note that he hopes will do the trick instead] "Dear Miss Landers: We are all shocked by what The Beaver said, especially my wife, who is a lady. I have washed his mouth out with soap and have beat him up three times. I hope because I have done this so good, I won't have to come down to school. Yours truly, Ward Cleaver, Theodore's father."


"Leave It to Beaver: The Poor Loser (#6.31)" (1963)
Ward Cleaver: I have a couple of tickets to the game Friday night, and knowing how much both of you boys like baseball, I...
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Dad, do I have to go?
Ward Cleaver: You mean you don't want to go?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, sure Dad, I'd like to, it's just that me and Gilbert were going to the movies Friday night, and I don't want to back out on him now.
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, is it something special?
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, Mom, it's a western in Cinerama, and they had to take out the first four rows to get a screen big enough to handle all that killin'.


"Leave It to Beaver: Baby Picture (#3.5)" (1959)
Whitey Whitney: You gonna bring a baby picture Beaver?
Theodore Cleaver: I guess we all gotta.
Larry Mondello: I got one of me where I fell asleep with my head in a plate of spinach.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Larry that wouldn't win anything.
Larry Mondello: I know. But Miss Landers won't let me bring my duck.


"Leave It to Beaver: The School Picture (#4.30)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: [Wally is fixing his new, broken walkie-talkie] That's an Army surplus thing, isn't it Wally?
Wally Cleaver: Yeah.
Theodore Cleaver: How come the Army's always sellin' stuff?
Wally Cleaver: I think that's the way they make their money between wars.


"Leave It to Beaver: Sweatshirt Monsters (#5.35)" (1962)
Ward Cleaver: Beaver, we don't want to be nosy, but would you mind telling us what's going on?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh sure, Dad. I gotta go someplace to see somebody about something.


"Leave It to Beaver: Farewell to Penny (#5.15)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: [June hands Beaver an invitation to Penny's going-away party] I'm not goin'.
June Cleaver: But Beaver, if Penny's mother was nice enough to ask you, you can't be mean enough not to go.
Theodore Cleaver: Sure I can, Mom. Penny's a zombie.
Ward Cleaver: Now Beaver, I don't think that's any way to talk about one of your classmates.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, Dad, she's really a horrible girl. And on top of that, she's smart!
June Cleaver: Beaver, that's no way to talk.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy, Mom, you oughta see her. If her face was on television, parents wouldn't let little kids watch it!


"Leave It to Beaver: No Time for Babysitters (#5.2)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: When you get grown up you don't fight with girls.
Theodore Cleaver: Never?
Wally Cleaver: Well I mean you don't fight with them like uh pulling their hair or throwing dirt on them and stuff like that.
Theodore Cleaver: Well gee if you don't do that what's the fun of fightin'?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Fortune (#3.10)" (1959)
Larry Mondello: Boy that was really neat the way you told him Beaver.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee Larry you started it, how come I gotta fight him?
Larry Mondello: Well gee Beaver, why should I get in trouble on your lucky day?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver Plays Hooky (#2.17)" (1959)
Ward Cleaver: [Beaver and Larry skip school one day; the next morning, at breakfast] Now, Beaver, there's not going to be any nonsense on the way to school this morning.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, no, Dad.
June Cleaver: Beaver, do Larry's mother and father know what happened yesterday?
Theodore Cleaver: Oh sure, Mom, they know what happened.
Ward Cleaver: I hope he was smart enough to volunteer the information.
Theodore Cleaver: Yes sir, he volunteered.
Ward Cleaver: As soon as he got home?
Theodore Cleaver: No sir. After his father started wallopin' him. Pass the bread, please.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Girl Trouble (#1.10)" (1957)
Theodore Cleaver: It sure is swell of you to wrap that box for me, Miss Higgins.
Miss Higgins: I'll fix it up real pretty, Beaver, with a red ribbon and a bow, just like it was Christmas.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, thanks. It's a real gift. Not 'money-tary' value, just 'sentanental'.
Miss Higgins: 'Sentanental?' That's the best kind of a gift. Must be for someone special. Could it be a girl?
Theodore Cleaver: Uh-huh. Girls make me sick to my stomach.
Miss Higgins: They do?
Theodore Cleaver: That's for my brother Wally's girl. He likes 'em.
Miss Higgins: Well, I certainly hope she likes this gift. Here you are, Beaver. It's all done.
Theodore Cleaver: Gee, it sure is pretty.
[He grabs a pencil and pokes four holes in the top of the box]
Miss Higgins: What did you do that for?
Theodore Cleaver: He's gotta breathe, don't he?
[We find out later that his toad, Herbie, is in the box]


"Leave It to Beaver: The Last Day of School (#3.38)" (1960)
Whitey Whitney: Hey Beav what happened? You spend your money on candy or somethin'?
Theodore Cleaver: Dry up will you Whitey.
Whitey Whitney: You can't tell me to dry up, I'm your pal.
Theodore Cleaver: Dry up anyway.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally's Test (#3.17)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Hey, Wally, what are you rubbin' on your face?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Aftershave lotion.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: How come?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: To smell good.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What's the good of smellin' good for me?
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: I'm not smelling good for you. I'm just practicing smelling good.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Mustache (#6.15)" (1963)
June Cleaver: Well, Beaver, I thought you were going to go by Wally's school and watch him practice.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, we were, but Gilbert said there was always a lot of girls hangin' around after practice, so we didn't go.
June Cleaver: You mean you and Gilbert don't like girls?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, we like girls OK, and we like sports too, but when you mix the two of them together, neither one of them are any fun.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver and Poncho (#1.23)" (1958)
Wally Cleaver: Hey, Beaver, what is it?
Theodore Cleaver: You know, Wally, it's a dog.
Wally Cleaver: Yeah, I guess he is. I think he's what they call a Mexican Hairless.
Theodore Cleaver: He's hairless, all right, but I don't know if he's Mexican.
June Cleaver: [later, downstairs] Beaver, he's so tiny.
Theodore Cleaver: Wally says he's a bald-headed Mexican.


"Leave It to Beaver: The Boat Builders (#2.16)" (1959)
Chester Anderson: Now all we gotta do is get some skin to cover the boat.
Theodore Cleaver: There's no animals around here got that much skin.
Wally Cleaver: The Eskimos use seal skin. What are we gonna use?
Chester Anderson: Hey, my father's got an old raccoon coat. Maybe we could use that.
Tooey Brown: Aw, cut it out. Who wants a fuzzy canoe?


"Leave It to Beaver: Ward's Baseball (#3.28)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Y'know, Wally, that's neat, Dad savin' a baseball, sorta like he was a kid.
Wallace 'Wally' Cleaver: Well, even when you grow up you've still got some kid left in ya.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. I guess that's why, once in a while, you even hear grown-ups laughing.


"Leave It to Beaver: Teacher's Daughter (#4.15)" (1961)
Wally Cleaver: Julie's not a creepy girl or anything.
June Cleaver: Oh well we know she's a very nice girl Wally or you wouldn't be holding hands with her.
Wally Cleaver: Well I wasn't exactly holding hands with her. I mean uh my hand was just kind of hanging there and uh she took it.
Theodore Cleaver: Boy if a girl ever took my hand I'd slug her with the other one.


"Leave It to Beaver: Larry Hides Out (#3.15)" (1960)
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [Beaver is visiting Larry, and we find the boys in Larry's sister's bedroom] We shouldn't be in here, should we, Larry?
Larry Mondello: It's all right. My sister's out. She went to the museum with a girlfriend.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Oh. Does she like museums?
Larry Mondello: No, but my mother says she'll never get a man mopin' around the house.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Well, I've never been in a girl's room before.
Larry Mondello: Not even your mother's?
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [slightly annoyed] My mother's not a girl!
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: [the boys explore the dressing table] Hey, Larry, what's this?
Larry Mondello: My sister's always puttin' this junk on her hair, so it shouldn't be crummy.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: What's this, Larry?
Larry Mondello: That's perfume, to make her smell good, and these are beauty cremes she's always smearin' on her face.
Theodore 'Beaver' Cleaver: Boy, it sure is a lot of trouble bein' a girl.
Larry Mondello: It is when you look like my sister.


"Leave It to Beaver: Eddie's Girl (#2.2)" (1958)
Eddie Haskell: What are you guys gonna do today?
Wally Cleaver: We thought we'd go over to Chester's. A skunk got in his garage last night.
Eddie Haskell: No foolin'? Is it still there?
Wally Cleaver: No, but the smell is.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah, I never smelled a real skunk before.
Eddie Haskell: Aw, that's kid stuff.
Wally Cleaver: Maybe. What are you gonna do, Eddie?
Eddie Haskell: Oh, I don't know. I might go over and see my girl. Want to come along?
Theodore Cleaver: I'd rather smell a skunk.


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver's Poster (#4.22)" (1961)
Theodore Cleaver: Hey, Wally, what are you shinin' your shoes for?
Wally Cleaver: For tomorrow.
Theodore Cleaver: Oh, is your school making you go to church?
Wally Cleaver: Of course not. I just don't want to look creepy, that's all.
Theodore Cleaver: Well, if it's not church, it must be girls. Those are the only two things I ever heard of that make a guy shine his shoes.


"Leave It to Beaver: Wally and Dudley (#4.25)" (1961)
Dudley McMillan: It's OK Wally I don't mind him watching at all.
Wally Cleaver: Look Dudley if you want to be one of the guys around here you gotta quit being so polite.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah Dudley it's OK to be polite to teachers and parents and stuff but don't waste your time just being polite to kids.


"Leave It to Beaver: Eddie's Double-Cross (#4.8)" (1960)
Theodore Cleaver: Heck, Wally, girls are rats. They're even rats in Sunday School.
Wally Cleaver: What do you mean they're rats in Sunday School?
Theodore Cleaver: Well, take this girl we read about in the Bible. She met this real neat guy and she cut off his hair, and then she turned him over to these bad guys, and they dragged him away, and they stuck out his eyes, and they were mean to him, too.
Wally Cleaver: Oh, yeah. That was Samson and Delilah.
Theodore Cleaver: Yeah. And if girls are rats in the Bible, how do you expect them to be in person?


"Leave It to Beaver: Beaver, the Sheep Dog (#6.11)" (1962)
Theodore Cleaver: Wally, if I ask you something, will you answer me not like my brother, but just like another guy?
Wally Cleaver: Well, first ask me, and then I'll decide how to answer ya.
Theodore Cleaver: Do you think I look like a sheep dog?
Wally Cleaver: Well, no, I don't think you look like a sheep dog. You look more like a gopher with bangs.