Hank Kimball
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Quotes for
Hank Kimball (Character)
from "Green Acres" (1965)

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"Green Acres: The Computer Age (#2.21)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: In the future, all farmers will not have to depend on people like myself to get information about farming. I will be replaced by a computer.
Oliver Douglas: I'll drink to that.

Fred Ziffel: Well, I don't need no computer to tell me what to do. I've got Doris.
Hank Kimball: She too can be replaced by a computer.
Fred Ziffel: Well, I'll drink to that, but not the rest of it.

Fred Ziffel: Mr. Douglas, I ask you: do you believe it's possible for one o' them computers to tell us farmers what to plant?
Oliver Douglas: Yes, it is.
Fred Ziffel: Well, if you believe that, you're a bigger fruitcake then he is.
[indicating Hank Kimball]
Oliver Douglas: Mr. Ziffel, I...
Fred Ziffel: You're suffering from swiffeled raisins.
Oliver Douglas: There is nothing wrong with my raisins!
Hank Kimball: I'll drink to that.

"Green Acres: I Didn't Raise My Pig to Be a Soldier (#2.3)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: Arnold Ziffel...
FBI Agent #2: Is the name familiar?
Hank Kimball: No, the name is Kimball. Hank Kimball.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: These gentlemen are from the FBI.
Hank Kimball: Oh... I'm with the Department of Agriculture. Heh Heh. Guess that sort of makes us, eh, sister-offiers, huh? Well not sisters, eh, brothers. Although we're not really related. Or maybe we are? I...
FBI Agen #2: [interrupting] Mr. Kimball, I wonder if you could help us?
Hank Kimball: Certainly. Always ready to help out a brother-sister. Eh, sister-fellow. Eh, can I see your credentials please?

"Green Acres: The Hooterville Image (#2.9)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: Well, as Benjamin Franklin once said: "Being sorry is the first step towards the retreat of the individual's immortality."

Hank Kimball: Let's start from the beginning... well, not the beginning, uh, let's try, uh, 1789 - that was the year that Betsy Ross made the first pair of overalls.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Betsy Ross made the first flag.
Hank Kimball: That's right - "Flag" overalls. That was her brand. You could buy 'em all over the country. Well, before long all of the farmers along the East Coast were wearing Betsy's Flag brand overalls, except Florida, which was then known as "Lower New Jersey."

"Green Acres: The Great Mayoralty Campaign (#6.6)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [noting Lisa's sex appeal] All your wife has to do to get the men folk to vote for her is to campaign in one of her fluffy neg-luh-gees.
Hank Kimball: I got an idea. Why don't we put Mr. Douglas in a neg-luh-gee?
Fred Ziffel: Aww, nawh. I've seen him in a neg-luh-gee. He don't do a thing to me.

Eustace Charleton Haney: [on Lisa's sexiness] That's right. All your wife has to do to get the menfolk to vote for her is to campaign in one of them fluffy "negligees" of hers.
Hank Kimball: I got an idea. Why don't we put Mr. Douglas in a "negligee?"
Fred Ziffel: Ah, nawh. I've seen him in a "negligee." He don't do a thing to me.

"Green Acres: Never Trust a Little Old Lady (#2.14)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: ...The nut on television is predicting rain! The numbskull on the radio is singing a song about the drought! Isn't there anybody around here who can give you accurate weather information?
Hank Kimball: Of course - if you want fast, accurate, up-to-the-minute weather information, you just pick up the phone and call me, and I'll give you the latest scientific forecast.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You have a weather station?
Hank Kimball: No... an almanac.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You go by - ?
Hank Kimball: Richard Poor's - founded and written by Franklin Benjamin. I've found the almanac to be almost infallible. Well, not almost - and not infallible - it's usually right some of the time. Now, here's what it says for last night: "Salads are made, salads are tossed, don't plant tomatoes because of the frost."
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The almanac predicted the frost last night? What does it say about today?... "Today's the day for hunting grouse, so get your tomatoes out of the house."!
Hank Kimball: Well, I guess you know what to do now.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, I do - but there's a law against it!

Mr. Kimball: Tomatoes are the dumbest of all plants. You know their IQ is hardly above what a 6-year old child's is?

"Green Acres: My Husband, the Rooster Renter (#1.5)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Uh, please, you haven't told me what you think of the farm, yet.
Hank Kimball: What I think?
[trying to avoid answering]
Hank Kimball: Well, uh. Actually, it's, uh. Well, you see, a farm is, uh.
[getting into jeep]
Hank Kimball: I'll try and rush this report right through!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: If there's something wrong, I'd like to know what it is.
Hank Kimball: What it is? What it is.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, give me your frank opinion.
Hank Kimball: Frank opinion? Well, uh.
Eb Dawson: Want me to wipe the perspiration off your forehead, Mr. Kimball?

"Green Acres: Lisa's Vegetable Garden (#2.24)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: Well, we don't like cucumbers. What other vegetables are there?
Hank Kimball: Oh, I have a list here as long as my arm.
[grabs the lists and compares it's length with his right arm]
Hank Kimball: No, I guess it's shorter.
Lisa Douglas: Eh, can I have that?
Hank Kimball: Well no, I need it to hold my wristwatch on. Oh, heh heh, you mean the list.

"Green Acres: Uncle Ollie (#1.32)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: What are they?
Lisa Douglas: Hotcakes sandwiches.
Oliver Douglas: Hot cake sandwiches?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, two hotcakes with one hotcake in between.

"Green Acres: An Old-Fashioned Christmas (#2.13)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop beating around the bush and give me my permit!
Hank Kimball: Yes sir. You want a Bush Beating permit.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I want a tree chopping permit.

"Green Acres: Water, Water Everywhere (#2.2)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: Gentlemen, as you all know, a reservoir is composed of water. Except the part that holds the water. Which is made of concrete.

"Green Acres: Never Start Talking Unless Your Voice Comes Out (#2.22)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: Mr. Douglas, I'm here to tell you that... your little game is up.
Oliver Douglas: My game?
Hank Kimball: If you think you can pull the whool over the eyes of the American farmer's backbone with those eight minute speeches, you're badly mistaken.

"Green Acres: Music to Milk By (#2.30)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: Oh, Mr. Douglas, I can give you one piece of advice: if the vet can't get the radio out of Eleanor, why don't you try to get another cow with another radio? Then you'd have stereo.

"Green Acres: Lisa the Helpmate (#1.8)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, how are you Mr. Kimball? I suppose you heard about the soil reports.
Hank Kimball: Heard about it? The state university's been burning up the wire! Well, they didn't actually burn. They called Washington!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Washington?
Hank Kimball: The city, not the man. Well, I mean, he's been - You probably read about that.

"Green Acres: Exodus to Bleedswell (#2.18)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [upon seeing Kimball at the airplane factory] Don't tell me you work here!
Hank Kimball: [holding a box of dirt and some bamboo] Yes, I'm the plant manager. I manage these plants.

"Green Acres: Uncle Fedor (#5.24)" (1970)
Hank Kimball: [to Fedor, who's poorly disguised in one of Lisa's fluffy housecoats] Oh, hello, Mrs. Douglas.
Lisa Douglas: I am Mrs. Douglas!
Hank Kimball: Oh?, Then, uh, who is this pretty little thing?
Lisa Douglas: This is my Aunt Fedor.
Hank Kimball: Oh, well, Aunt Fedor, you're the spitting image of Mrs. Douglas. Well, not the spitting image. You need a shave!

"Green Acres: One of Our Assemblymen Is Missing (#2.6)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: How do they determine how much
[State Farm Unattached Duty Tax]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: you owe?
Hank Kimball: Well, they take your acreage and - well, they don't take your acreage unless you didn't pay the tax bill. They have a computer with a stack of cards, and each card has a taxpayer's name on it. In your case it would be, uh - well, whatever your name is. Each card has holes punched in it. This is done at the State Department of Hole Punching. Three men work there - the Head Hole Puncher, the Assistant Head Hole Puncher, and his brother-in-law.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Which one punched the holes in your head?

"Green Acres: Eb's Double Trouble (#6.7)" (1970)
Hank Kimball: [regarding Hank's Mom renting Carol a room] My mother always wanted a daughter around the house, and if you came and moved in, I wouldn't have to wear a dress around the house on Sundays.

"Green Acres: You Ought to Be in Pictures (#2.10)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [asking how to help his pathetic corn plants] All right, you got any idea?
Hank Kimball: Yeah, why don't you shoot it and put it out of its misery?

"Green Acres: The Rains Came (#1.30)" (1966)
Diller Fangworth: Eh, Mr. Kimball. You are a County Agent?
Hank Kimball: I do.
Diller Fangworth: That ain't a proper answer.
Hank Kimball: Well don't tell me, tell the judge. He told me to say 'I do' and I did. That is, I did, I do.

"Green Acres: Law Partners (#4.17)" (1969)
Hank Kimball: A county agent's gotta keep his ear to the ground.
Sam Drucker: That's explains how you got all those rocks in your head.

"Green Acres: What's in a Name? (#1.21)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [trying to get Hank interested in Ralph] She's a very nice girl.
Hank Kimball: Girl? Well, it's kind of hard to think of her as - No, it's impossible!

"Green Acres: You and Your Big Shrunken Head (#5.5)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [with Arnold, from back of train upon returning to Hooterville] Wait a second! He's got a speech! He wrote it on the back of an envelope. He got the idea reading a book about Abraham Lincoln.
Lisa Douglas: Who's he?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He was the president of the United States.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, I thought that was George Washington.
Hank Kimball: Oh, no ma'am. George Washington is a bridge across the Hudson River.

"Green Acres: Parity Begins at Home (#1.11)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Hank Kimball has just read aloud a confusing pamphlet] I don't understand what that means.
Hank Kimball: You don't? Well, you don't have to understand what it eh, it eh... It was printed in eh...
[turns to backcover]
Hank Kimball: ... Washington. Well, and when they print something in Washington, they know what it means.

"Green Acres: The Spring Festival (#3.23)" (1968)
Hank Kimball: This is some stuff for the festival.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, that stupid festival!
Hank Kimball: No, this is a spring festival. The stupid festival's next month.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, and you're going to be the king.
Hank Kimball: I am? Gosh, that makes three years in a row!

"Green Acres: The Carpenter's Ball (#6.22)" (1971)
Lisa Douglas: [about Ralph] Why don't you want to take her? Don't you like her?
Hank Kimball: Aww, she's not too bad. She's not too good either. Ah, well, she does have some nice, uh... Well, they're not really nice, uh... Well, they're not really nice, they're, uh... I'll say one thing for her: she's a mess!

"Green Acres: The Saucer Season (#2.25)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: There's been three saucer sightings in these parts in the last month! Well, actually, there were only two. Eh, one was a flying shoebox sighting.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Shoebox?
Hank Kimball: Well, it was shaped like a shoebox, only bigger. It was oblong, had a lotta windows, and there were about 50 people inside. Turned out to be a low flying bus.

"Green Acres: Sprained Ankle, Country Style (#1.19)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: [watching the TV set] Is that Ed Sullivan?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's a test pattern!
Hank Kimball: Boy, it sure looked like Ed Sullivan.

"Green Acres: Who's Lisa? (#2.29)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: Heard the bad news about the amnesia.
Oliver Douglas: Yeah, well...
Hank Kimball: Ah, don't worry, you'll get better.
Oliver Douglas: No, I haven't got amnesia.
Hank Kimball: Now you keep saying that, over and over, and it'll get better.
Oliver Douglas: No, I don't have it, Mrs. Douglas has it.
Hank Kimball: Oh, she caught it from you, huh? Yeah, I guess it's pretty contagious, huh.

"Green Acres: Oliver Takes Over the Phone Company (#3.5)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: [Kimball's hand is caught in a trap] Boy, these rhinoceros traps really work, huh?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Rhinoceros?
Hank Kimball: Yeah. See, right there.
[reading the lettering on the trap]
Hank Kimball: Rhinoceros brand traps. Now there's their motto right there, heh. 'A Rhinoceros trap really grabs ya'. The motto was written by the same person who wrote the motto on the window 'Ervice is ur mott'.
Hank Kimball: Know what that means in Portuguese?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I haven't the slightest idea.
Hank Kimball: Right! I didn't know you understood Portuguese.

"Green Acres: The Rutabaga Story (#3.27)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You realize that last year every farmer in this valley lost money!
Hank Kimball: Well, there's a simple solution to that. Move out of the valley.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: We don't want to move.
Hank Kimball: Well, you're just going to have to get used to losing money. Anything else I can help you with?

"Green Acres: Double Drick (#1.25)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: Oh, morning, Mrs. Douglas, how are ya?
Lisa Douglas: Hello Mr. Kimball, I'm fine. Well, I'm, I'm not really fine, I have a little headache. Well, it isn't a little headache... it's a... it went away!
Hank Kimball: I know someone who talks just like that. Well not just like that... What was his name? Oh yes, it was eh... No, it wasn't him. He had a Texas drawl. Well, it wasn't a drawl. Oh, you're gonna do some outdoor cooking?

"Green Acres: It's So Peaceful in the Country (#2.17)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: [a group of Indians are dancing round on Oliver's property] Well, I sioux the See are here again. No, make that, eh, I see the Sioux are here again. Yes, that has a better ring to it. Well, not a ring...

"Green Acres: Kimball Gets Fired (#2.27)" (1967)
Oliver Douglas: You're kidding.
Hank Kimball: About what?
Oliver Douglas: About being fired.
Hank Kimball: Oh, no, Mr. Douglas, I wouldn't kid about losing the only job I ever had.

"Green Acres: The Day of Decision (#1.22)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: [saying farewell to Oliver] Yeah, you've been a good friend and I never will forget you Mr... uh... uh...

"Green Acres: The Picnic (#5.22)" (1970)
Hank Kimball: [learning of Oliver and Lisa's picnic] Where are you going?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: We don't know yet.
Hank Kimball: Say, if you want a good picnic spot, I know just the place. It has all these beautiful trees, a stream runnin' through it, a waterfall...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [excited] That sound perfect! Where's that?
Hank Kimball: Yellowstone National Park.

"Green Acres: A Home Isn't Built in a Day (#2.11)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: Like my grandfather used to always say: "Age is just how old you are."

"Green Acres: Neighborliness (#1.7)" (1965)
Hank Kimball: I'll, uh, leave you a couple of bulletins from the department. Maybe give you a little help there.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, thank you! You know, you county agents certainly perform a great service to us farmers.
Hank Kimball: Well, it's our job to help people who don't know what they're doing.

"Green Acres: Love Comes to Arnold Ziffel (#3.3)" (1967)
Hank Kimball: [about Quincy, his Irish Setter] Of course he isn't really for Ireland. Although he has a cousin that lives in Dublin. Yeah, Quincy writes to him every week. Well, he doesn't write to him, I write to him. Quincy dictates to me.

"Green Acres: The Ugly Duckling (#2.5)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [sitting down in Kimball's office] Mr. Kimball, I have a problem.
Hank Kimball: Yes you do, there were three tomatoes on that chair.

"Green Acres: Wings Over Hooterville (#2.1)" (1966)
Hank Kimball: As you all know, I'm your County Kimball, Hank Agent. No, I don't believe I am. I'm, eh Hank Kimball, your County Agent. Yes, that sounds better. Well, not better...