Eb Dawson
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Quotes for
Eb Dawson (Character)
from "Green Acres" (1965)

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"Green Acres: Not Guilty (#3.17)" (1968)
Eb Dawson: [explaining to trooper where his $300 came from] That's another story. You see, about six months ago I got a letter from my Uncle Wallaby in Australia.
Lisa Douglas: You never said you had an uncle in Australia.
State Trooper Jack Webster: Oh?
Eb Dawson: Oh, he must've slipped my mind. Anyway, $300 doesn't mean a thing to him. He's very wealthy. He bottles sheep dip. It's a very popular drink, especially in the summertime. It tastes kinda like a hairy vodka.

Lisa Douglas: [to Judge Perkins] Your Honor, Eb is innocent. He was framed! Just like Frank Nitti!
Judge Perkins: Frank Nitti?
Eb Dawson: The feller that gave Mr. Douglas his still.
Judge Perkins: What still?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Your Honor...
Judge Perkins: Counselor, don't you know it's against the law to operate a still?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I don't operate one!
Eb Dawson: No, he just sits and looks at it and dreams of the old days in Chi-car-go.

Lisa Douglas: Eb! Where are you going all dressed up?
Eb Dawson: I got a date.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: With what?
Eb Dawson: It's not a "what" this time - it's a "who."
Lisa Douglas: What's her name?
Eb Dawson: Claudelia Frinkhouser. She's English.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Frinkhouser? That doesn't sound like an English name.
Eb Dawson: Then why does she always carry a bag of fish and chips around with her?
Lisa Douglas: Well, that's very English.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, yes, yes - very. Does she take off her monocle while she's eating?
Eb Dawson: She don't wear a monocle. She has a contact lens with a string on it.

Eb Dawson: Boy, you sure are ruining my love life. In our civilization a fella without wheels is nowhere.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eb, even with wheels you're nowhere.

"Green Acres: Give Me Land, Lots of Land (#1.16)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: Eb, why don't you pull up the weeds that are growing in the wheat.
Eb Dawson: Can't I just pull up the wheat? There ain't as much of that.

Oliver Douglas: [upset that his tractor is bellowing smoke] There's something wrong with the carburetor!
Eb Dawson: Yeah. It needs a new tractor on it.

Oliver Douglas: There's something wrong with the caberator
Eb Dawson: Yes. It needs a new tractor on it.

"Green Acres: Uncle Ollie (#1.32)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: [to Chuck] Well, might as well make yourself at home. Wanna hang up your coat and hair?

Eb Dawson: Chuck says he sleeps till two o'clock in the afternoon. He's gonna teach me how to do it.
Oliver Douglas: There's one thing you don't need: that's lazy lessons. Now get to work!

Eb Dawson: When are we gonna dig that ditch?
Chuck: Man, you are sick! Listen: you start fooling around with this shuffle stuff and you're gonna wind up in blisterville.

"Green Acres: Eb Discovers the Birds and the Bees (#2.8)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: [after botching up Oliver's dating advice] A fine father you are!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm not your father!
Eb Dawson: I'm glad! The kind of advice you give your son, which I'm not and I don't intend to be!

Eb Dawson: [about Betty Jo] She's got a face that'd any man forget his sardines.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You have a very romantic way of putting it.

Betty Jo Bradley: Did you hurt your leg?
Eb Dawson: No, I always limp when I'm happy.

"Green Acres: My Husband, the Rooster Renter (#1.5)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Uh, please, you haven't told me what you think of the farm, yet.
Hank Kimball: What I think?
[trying to avoid answering]
Hank Kimball: Well, uh. Actually, it's, uh. Well, you see, a farm is, uh.
[getting into jeep]
Hank Kimball: I'll try and rush this report right through!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: If there's something wrong, I'd like to know what it is.
Hank Kimball: What it is? What it is.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, give me your frank opinion.
Hank Kimball: Frank opinion? Well, uh.
Eb Dawson: Want me to wipe the perspiration off your forehead, Mr. Kimball?

Lisa Douglas: All right darling, you can drive me to Hootersville now.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eh, sweetheart, as long as we're gonna live here, you should learn to pronounce the name of the town correctly: 'Hooterville'.
Lisa Douglas: All right, let's go to Hoosterville.
Eb Dawson: [Ed walks up] You going into Hoosterville?

"Green Acres: Eb's Romance (#4.4)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb wants him to co-sign for his engagement ring] I don't sign anything unless I know what it is.
Eb Dawson: If I tell you want it is, you won't sign it.
Lisa Douglas: I'll sign it!
Eb Dawson: Thanks Mom!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop calling her Mom!
Eb Dawson: Well, if I call her Dad, you'll get jealous.

Eb Dawson: You only get engaged once.
Lisa Douglas: Who told you that!

"Green Acres: An Old-Fashioned Christmas (#2.13)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Ziffel, notice where your wife's standing? Under the mistletoe!
Fred Ziffel: Why don't you mind your own business?

Eb Dawson: [about Oliver] I've never seen him so mad! His face was red, his ears were red, his lips were red. He looked like a stuck traffic signal.

"Green Acres: How to See South America by Bus (#2.4)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: This is Amy Collins. She has a large farm on the other side of the valley.
Eb Dawson: Oh. Need a foreman?
Amy Collins: I'm afraid not.
Eb Dawson: How 'bout a hired hand?
Amy Collins: No.
Eb Dawson: Want to adopt a son?

Eb Dawson: Dad, you are a cad.
Oliver Douglas: Don't call me dad!

"Green Acres: The Hooterville Image (#2.9)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: [pleased with his freshly ironed shirt, Oliver kisses Lisa passionately] How come you're kissing her when I'm the one that ironed them?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I thought you ironed them?
Lisa Douglas: Well you saw the ironing board, then you jumped on the wrong concussion.
Eb Dawson: She means 'the wrong concession'.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Not concession, confusion. eh... conclusion.
[rolls his eyes]

Eb Dawson: Wait 'till I tell the other hired hands that I work for a man that's got twelve suits, three dozen shirts and... how many pairs of shoes did you say?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eight.
Eb Dawson: Gee, all I got is one suit, one shirt and one shoe.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's all you - one shoe?
Eb Dawson: You never noticed, huh? That's because I wear it on a different foot every day.

"Green Acres: One of Our Assemblymen Is Missing (#2.6)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: Mrs. Douglas takes care of Linda and Sheila and I take care of the shower caps.

Eb Dawson: [runs into the house, shouting] Mr. Douglas! Mr. Douglas!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What?
Eb Dawson: You'd better get out of town.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why?
Eb Dawson: They're gonna tar and feather you for getting that tax refund.
Lisa Douglas: Darling, I'm so proud of you.

"Green Acres: Oh, Promise Me (#4.22)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb refuses to give Oliver his letters] Will you stop censoring my mail!
Eb Dawson: They're bills, and I know what a foul mood they always put you in.
Lisa Douglas: [to Eb] You're absolutely right!
Eb Dawson: It's better to censor your mail than it is to have to censor your language.
Lisa Douglas: [to Eb] You're absolutely right!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Lisa! I don't need you telling him that he's right!
Eb Dawson: [to Oliver] You're absolutely right!.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [looking for Lisa] Where's Mrs. Douglas?
Eb Dawson: Who?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Mr. Douglas.
Eb Dawson: Oh, you mean the lady dentist.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, Eb...
Eb Dawson: Dr. Gronyitz is gone.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Gone?
Eb Dawson: Yeah. she packed up her drill and her laughing gas and left.

"Green Acres: The High Cost of Loving (#6.11)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [staggers outside from his first make-up lesson] Say, could somebody help me? I glued my eyes together.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You glued your -
[notices Eb's blacked-out teeth]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Hey, what happened to your teeth?
Eb Dawson: I put the mascara on in the wrong place.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: When you first mentioned marriage to me, what did I tell you?
Eb Dawson: You told me marriage was like living in a concentration camp.
Lisa Douglas: Well!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I never said that!
Eb Dawson: Yes, you did.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: When?
Eb Dawson: Right after you said, "If you're getting married for companionship, save your money. Buy a dog."
Lisa Douglas: Well!

"Green Acres: A Tale of a Tail (#5.4)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [reading story from newspaper] Arnold will be accompanied to Chicago by Oliver Wendell Douglas, the famous pig lawyer!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [irritated] Pig lawyer?
Lisa Douglas: And when you went to Harvard they said you wouldn't amount to anything.

Baggage Man: [Arnold grabs his bag at airport claim] Where's his check?
Lisa Douglas: He ate it.
Baggage Man: I'm sorry, no baggage without a check!
Eb Dawson: You'd better show a little more respect to Arnold! You know what he's worth?
Baggage Man: Ah, with the current piece of pork, I'd say about thirty bucks!

"Green Acres: The Beverly Hillbillies (#2.23)" (1967)
Eb Dawson: [rehearsing Jethro's lines] What is Granny going to make for supper tonight?
Lisa Douglas: [reading Elly May's lines] Breast of pollywog with possum's toes and crawdad turnovers.
Eb Dawson: Goooooody!
Lisa Douglas: Why don't you set yourself down on your you all and I will go out to the see-mint pond and catch us a barracuda.

Eb Dawson: [Eb has a meeting with the Hooterville Young Peoples Agricultural Society] I gotta leave.
[gets up and walks to the door]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Bye...
Eb Dawson: [opens the door but stays in the kitchen] I was hopin' some kind man would lend me his car.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, start walking, maybe you'll meet one on the way.
Eb Dawson: There ain't none here in the kitchen, huh?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No.

"Green Acres: You and Your Big Shrunken Head (#5.5)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [giving another speech, holding handful of soil] This is the good earth! This contains the wealth of the American farmer!
["Yankee Doodle" plays in background]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: This is what he fought for at Lexington and Concord! Land! Land into which to plant his crops! Land with which to feed the hungry millions of the world! Land...
Eb Dawson: [noticing soundtrack] Hey, I think you got a worm in there playing the fife!

Eb Dawson: [with Arnold, from back of train upon returning to Hooterville] Wait a second! He's got a speech! He wrote it on the back of an envelope. He got the idea reading a book about Abraham Lincoln.
Lisa Douglas: Who's he?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He was the president of the United States.
Lisa Douglas: Oh, I thought that was George Washington.
Hank Kimball: Oh, no ma'am. George Washington is a bridge across the Hudson River.

"Green Acres: Where There's a Will (#5.3)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [asking about their rooster doing the opening credits] Did Charlie come in and crow the names this morning?
Lisa Douglas: Yes, and he did it very well, except the "Written by."
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What are you two talking about?

Eb Dawson: [telling Oliver about the Birnbacher pork empire] Have you lost interest in the Gustaf Birnbacher story?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: Mr. Birnbacher always said that he owed his success to Herman
[his first pig]
Eb Dawson: , so in gratitude he left him all his money: 20 million dollars!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh. He must have been a real ding dong!
Eb Dawson: When you have as much money as he did, it's called paranoia.

"Green Acres: The Wealthy Landowner (#5.25)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [reads his personal ad] Handsome, sophisticated, wealthy land owner looking for wealthy mate. Address all applications to Eb Dawson, wealthy landowner, Hooterville.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Wealthy landowner?
Eb Dawson: Well, I will be. You're gonna leave the farm to me, aren't you Dad?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I am not your Dad and I'm not leaving the farm to you.
Lisa Douglas: Well, you might as well. I don't want it.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb wants him to pose as his butler] I'm not wearing a butler suit!
Eb Dawson: But she's expecting to see my servants! What'll I tell her?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Just tell her the truth.
Eb Dawson: Yeah. How does this sound? My butler and maid drank up all my champagne and got stoned, and I had to fire 'em!
Lisa Douglas: That sounds good to me.

"Green Acres: Handy Lessons (#4.6)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [learning Lisa was upset] She had nothing to cry about. All I did was complain she out to be able to do a few things like changing light bulbs or hammering a nail in the wall.
Eb Dawson: How can she hammer a nail in the wall when it's got that big home in it?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: She made that hole.
Eb Dawson: And you say she's not handy!

Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb is glued to the TV] I said, "Did you see Mr. Douglas?"
Eb Dawson: No, sir. The only thing I've seen is "Petticoat Junction."
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eb, I'm not in the mood - Turn that thing off!
Eb Dawson: [watching intently] Huh?
Eb Dawson: [Oliver turns TV off] Mr. Douglas do you know what you just did?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: You silenced the work of hundreds of technicians and actors. Not to mention the relatives of the producer. Those people that slave in the fleshpots of Hollywood to bring you a few moments of happiness and joy, and you cut 'em off with the flick of your wrist!

"Green Acres: The Old Trunk (#4.24)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [pointing at the trunk] Oh, where did that come from?
Eb Dawson: I work up in bed with it this morning.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Will you stop...
Lisa Douglas: That happened to my uncle once. He work up in bed with a trunk. Or was it a drunk? No. it was a trunk with a drunk in it.
Eb Dawson: Hey, maybe there's a drunk in this one! Shall I open it?

Eb Dawson: [listening to Lisa read the diary] Golly, that's sad.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Sad? That's sickening. I never heard such tripe!
Lisa Douglas: That's because it happened in real life, and you know what they say: Ruth is stranger than friction.

"Green Acres: A Square Is Not Round (#2.12)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: [holding another square egg] Which hen do you think laid the eggs?
Lisa Douglas: I don't know.
Eb Dawson: Well, it should't be too hard to find out, all we gotta do is look for a square chicken.

"Green Acres: The Ballad of Molly Turgiss (#1.26)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: If you need me, I'll be hiding.

"Green Acres: The Hole in the Porch (#6.23)" (1971)
Eb Dawson: [pulling up piece of rotten porch wood] See how rotten the boards are.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I wonder if that's termites.
Eb Dawson: Are you kidding? No self-respecting termite would eat this stuff!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: This is dry rot.
Eb Dawson: The story of your life.

"Green Acres: Beauty Is Skin Deep (#5.13)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [finds Eb with his head stuck in the freezer] Eb, what are you doing?
Eb Dawson: [his head covered with frost and ice on his head] Freezing a part in my hair.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What? Get your head out of there you...
Eb Dawson: You see, what I do is, I give myself a shampoo and then I rush my head into the refrigerator and I'm well groomed all day!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, well don't...
Eb Dawson: Unless the sun comes out.

"Green Acres: The Road (#5.6)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, guess what? The town's taking up a collection for you for gettin' the road paved!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They are?
Eb Dawson: Yeah! They're goin' around to all the farms in the valley collectin' chicken feathers! And Mr. Ziffel's donatin' the tar!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Tar and feathers?
Lisa Douglas: Isn't that nice?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What's - ?
Eb Dawson: It's the only thing they could think of since Mr. Edmund left town. He was the only one who knew how to make a hangman's knot.

"Green Acres: Music to Milk By (#2.30)" (1967)
Lisa Douglas: Eleanor! What are you doing out of bed?
Eb Dawson: Yeah, go back to bed, you stupid cow! Double crosser! Radio eater!

"Green Acres: Jealousy (#6.3)" (1970)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [telling Eb to save up to buy a car] I pay you more than enough. What do you do with your money?
Eb Dawson: I send it home to my mother so that she won't have to take in washing. I can't stand to see her kneeling by the side of a stream, pounding some stranger's shirt with a rock!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: If the stranger doesn't mind, then why should you?

"Green Acres: Exodus to Bleedswell (#2.18)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Eb, would you mind telling me: What's the big attraction at Bleedswell?
Eb Dawson: They're opening a defense plant up there, and they're offering all kinds of inducements to get people to go there and work. Didn't you read the ads they ran in the World Guardian? Listen to this...
[reads from newspaper]
Eb Dawson: Join the Space Age! Work for Astro Digitronics, makers of the Mighty Mark Five Mokker Rocket. Astro Digitronics is located in carefree, smog-free Bleedswell, Home of the Sympathetic Draft Board.
Lisa Douglas: That's a nice thing to have.
Eb Dawson: [continuing to read] Astro Digitronics offers more fringe benefits than any other space age company, including: unlimited sick pay, free psychoanalysis, and a year's supply of cracked crab.

"Green Acres: Lisa's Jam Session (#3.2)" (1967)
Eb Dawson: Well, there sure is a lot of tension around here tonight, it's like a Joan Crawford movie.

"Green Acres: What Happened in Scranton? (#1.14)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: [to Oliver, whos vigorously milking Eleanor the cow] Easy! You ain't pullin' taffy!

"Green Acres: Eb's Double Trouble (#6.7)" (1970)
Sam Drucker: [filling Eb's grocery order] And now what else Eb?
Eb Dawson: Oh, Mrs. Douglas needs a loaf of white bread.
Sam Drucker: Sliced or un-sliced?
Eb Dawson: Are those the only two kinds you have?
Sam Drucker: Yeah.
Eb Dawson: It's a big decision. If it ain't right, I'll have to bing it brack.

"Green Acres: Oliver Goes Broke (#6.5)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [giving a Oliver a pep talk] Mr. Douglas, it's not a crime to lose all your money. It's just stupid.

"Green Acres: The Marital Vacation (#4.15)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb fears the Douglases are breaking up] She's not leaving me. We're taking a vacation from each other because we're beginning to get on each other's nerves.
Eb Dawson: You get on my nerves, and I don't want to take a vacation from you!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, Eb...
Lisa Douglas: [arrives at the car] I'm ready.
Eb Dawson: [drops to his knees and begs] Please Mom, don't go! Dad's sorry! That other woman didn't really mean anything to him!
Lisa Douglas: What other woman!

"Green Acres: The Hungarian Curse (#3.26)" (1968)
Eb Dawson: [looking in the refrigerator] Is there any sauerkraut juice?
Lisa Douglas: No, I used the last of it to make the hotscakes.

"Green Acres: A Star Named Arnold Is Born: Part 1 (#3.29)" (1968)
Eb Dawson: [reading one of Arnold the Pig's reviews] The Pixley Press says he's the greatest thing to hit the stage since Laurence Olivier.
Lisa Douglas: They did?
Eb Dawson: Yes! Who is she?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: It's a he, and how dare they compare a pig to a great actor!
Eb Dawson: The Ziffels sure are excited about him. They always wanted Arnold to be a veterinarian, but now they've decided to let him take up acting as a career!

"Green Acres: Lisa Has a Calf (#1.12)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Kimball, is there any law against fishing for baracudda in a barn?

"Green Acres: The Ex-Con (#5.18)" (1970)
Willie Dunhill: [says he appeared in a movie shot at the prison] The guy comes in and he puts the food down in front of me, and I took one look at it, and I said, "I ain't gonna eat this slop!"
[starts to pound his mug on the table]
Willie Dunhill: "Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!"
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [puts a hotcake on Oliver's plate] Here is your breakfast.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [after looking at the food, begins pounding his mug] I ain't gonna eat this slop! Ya! Ya! Ya! Ya!
Eb Dawson: Holy smoke! The warden's gone stir crazy!

"Green Acres: How to Get from Hooterville to Pixley Without Moving (#4.12)" (1968)
Lisa Douglas: [reads sign on their house saying "These Premises Condemned"] These promises commended.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [correcting her] Uh, no. Condemned. And who condemned these promises? Uh, er - who commended the premises?
Eb Dawson: There was a fella here from the Pixley Building Authority. He said this house is too dangerous to live in.
Lisa Douglas: He's right!

"Green Acres: Don't Count Your Tomatoes Before They're Picked (#3.7)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [hears knock at door] Who the - ?
Eb Dawson: That's a switch. He usually says, "What the - ?"
Lisa Douglas: I guess he's in more of a "Who the - ?" mood today.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [answering door] Yes?
Farmhand: Howdy. I'm from the pickin' pool.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: The picking pool?
Farmhand: Yes sir. My name's Who-the. Harold Who-the.

"Green Acres: A Day in the Life of Oliver Wendell Holmes (#4.18)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: Who is this Brian Williams they mention on pages 1,2,3,1 and 4?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You don't know him? He grew up here in Hooterville.
Eb Dawson: Hmmm. Uh, is he a tall boy with green hair?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Green hair?
Eb Dawson: Naw, that was Betty Abernathy. She used to eat chlorophyll and it went to her head.

"Green Acres: Lisa's First Day on the Farm (#1.2)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, you wouldn't be needing a hired hand, would you?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, no, I'm planning on farming this place myself.
Eb Dawson: You ever done any farming?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [proudly] Oh, a little.
Lisa Douglas: Dahling, don't be so modest. My husband had the biggest squash on Park Avenue!

"Green Acres: The Saucer Season (#2.25)" (1967)
Eb Dawson: Mind if I have lunch with you kids?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What do you got there?
Eb Dawson: The hamburger Stuffy brought back.
[cut to Stuffy the scarecrow]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: How can he bring back a hamburger when he...
Eb Dawson: [turns to Stuffy] You forgot the ketchup!
[turns back to Oliver]
Eb Dawson: Boy, sometimes I think he's got sawdust in his head.

"Green Acres: Oliver's Double (#6.10)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [holding dictionary] I can't hold my silence any longer!
[points at Oliver]
Eb Dawson: That man there is a philanthropist!
[looks confused]
Eb Dawson: No, that's not right.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, for the love...
Eb Dawson: Philanderer!
Lisa Douglas: You mean he gives money away?
Eb Dawson: Uh, no ma'am.
[from dictionary]
Eb Dawson: It says right here: philanderer, one who is guilty of hanky-panky!

"Green Acres: The Cow Killer (#5.19)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: [believing the prop cow he's found is a real one that Oliver shot] She died a Grade A death.
[noticing cow is on its back with legs in the air]
Eb Dawson: I guess she went out the way she wanted to - with her cream on top!

"Green Acres: Rest and Relaxation (#5.15)" (1970)
Eb Dawson: What do you do for a livin'?
Mort Warner: I write for Newsweek.
Eb Dawson: I write for Newsweek too, but they never send it.

"Green Acres: The Best Laid Plans (#1.4)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: [Oliver's first day actually farming] Okay, what do ya want to plant?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, you don't just go out in the fields and scatter around a hand full of seeds. You gotta plan what you're gonna plant.
Eb Dawson: Mr. Haney never did.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yes, and did Mr. Haney ever make any money on this farm?
Eb Dawson: Not until you came along and bought it.

"Green Acres: Horse? What Horse? (#1.29)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: [the radiator on the Hoyt Claggwell tractor is leaking] Look, do you think Mr. Drucker can get us a new radiator?
Eb Dawson: I don't think he can help ya.
Oliver Douglas: Why not?
Eb Dawson: This tractor was born long before he was!

"Green Acres: The Special Delivery Letter (#5.9)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [guessing the contents of the letter] Oliver! Maybe you've been drafted!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, it's impossible!
Eb Dawson: No, sir. They're scraping the bottom of the barrel.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Look, Eb...
Eb Dawson: Of World War I!

"Green Acres: Never Trust a Little Old Lady (#2.14)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Eb is dressed for a drought in a swimsuit, jungle helmet & sunglasses] Eb, we've got to go to Pixley to pick up the tomato plants. Now take that stupid outfit off.
Eb Dawson: Pixley's a pretty big town. I ought to wear something.
Lisa Douglas: Eb's right. He might get arrested for undecent explosion.

"Green Acres: Oliver's Schoolgirl Crush (#5.10)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: It's good to see you again.
Mr. Wurthwaxer: It's good to see you again, too.
Eb Dawson: I can tell by the blank expression on your face that you don't remember me. I'm Eb Dawson I was in the graduating of '61 '62 '63 '64 and '65!
Mr. Wurthwaxer: Well, I'm glad you finally got out.
Eb Dawson: It wasn't easy. I had to go over the wall.

"Green Acres: The City Kids (#6.1)" (1970)
Lisa Douglas: [ridiculing Oliver's crops] I never saw corn growing until we moved out here four years ago. Come to think of it, I still haven't seen it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Are you two through with your sarcasm?
Eb Dawson: Not yet. Mention your tomatoes.
Lisa Douglas: Or your apples.
Eb Dawson: Or your squash.
Lisa Douglas: Or your carrots.
Eb Dawson: Or we can succotash the whole thing up and make one big sarcasm out of it.

"Green Acres: A Home Isn't Built in a Day (#2.11)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: Mr. Douglas, where's the architect?
Oliver Douglas: He left.
Eb Dawson: Doggone it. I wanted to show him how I wanted my room fixed up into a bachelor pad.
Oliver Douglas: What?
Eb Dawson: I got the idea from a magazine. You know, the one that has a girl in the center that unfolds.
Lisa Douglas: Eh, what girl unfolds in the center?
Oliver Douglas: You'd have to see the magazine to understand.

"Green Acres: The Wedding Anniversary (#1.13)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: Oh, congratulations. How long you been married?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, we've been married... Let's see now, we were ma- In nineteen fif- No, no, that was the year I got out of the airforce, yes. We were married in f- No, that was the year I started my lawpractice... Well, it must have been in...
Eb Dawson: You sure you're married?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Of course, I'm sure!
Eb Dawson: I never saw your marriage certificate.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Don't worry. We've got one. It's in the safe deposit box.
Eb Dawson: Mr. Haney used to have his hanging up on the wall.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [smiling] That's nice.
Eb Dawson: He used to throw darts at it!

"Green Acres: How to Enlarge a Bedroom (#1.15)" (1965)
Eb Dawson: Well if you won't lend me the car, would you lend me the front seat?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What do you want the front seat for?
Eb Dawson: It'll look a lot better than standing at the drive-in all through the movie.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You can't have the car or the front seat.
Eb Dawson: How 'bout the horn? So as we can toot during intermission.

"Green Acres: The Ugly Duckling (#2.5)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: Morning! Breakfast ready?
Lisa Douglas: Yes.
Eb Dawson: Well, let's have the hotcakes and get it over with.
Lisa Douglas: We're not having any hotscakes this morning.
Oliver Douglas: No hotcakes?
Lisa Douglas: I've made something different.
Oliver Douglas: Hey, wonderful!
Eb Dawson: Let's not go off half-cocked till we get a look at it.
Oliver Douglas: Knock it off, anything's better than the hotcakes.
Lisa Douglas: Here we are.
[Holds up what looks like a long, lumpy pastry on a baking sheet]
Eb Dawson: Any hotcakes left over from yesterday?
Lisa Douglas: You don't like it?
Eb Dawson: I don't know. What is it?
Lisa Douglas: Well what does it look like?
Oliver Douglas: It looks like a boa constrictor with lumps.
Lisa Douglas: That's the last time I ever cook you a Spanish omelette.

"Green Acres: Eb Uses His Ingenuity (#4.23)" (1969)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [refusing to pay Eb $20 early] Eb, there's no reason why you should need an advance. You get a good salary. What do you do with it?
Eb Dawson: I send it home. They like a good laugh now and then, too.

"Green Acres: The Birthday Gift (#4.13)" (1969)
Eb Dawson: [Oliver gives him the plate of butter and unshelled peanuts] Oh boy, my favorite! Do it yourself peanut butter.

"Green Acres: Wings Over Hooterville (#2.1)" (1966)
Eb Dawson: [Oliver's speech is interrupted by a crow] Your speeches draw more crows than the corn does.