Mr. Haney
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Quotes for
Mr. Haney (Character)
from "Green Acres" (1965)

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"Green Acres: You Ought to Be in Pictures (#2.10)" (1966)
Mr. Haney: [Oliver interrupts his first meeting of the Hooterville Chamber of Commerce] Mr. Douglas, you got a belt buckle?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No.
Mr. Haney: Well, then would you sit down?
Sam Drucker: Sorry, no speeches without a belt buckle.

Mr. Haney: [Haney has made a fake film camera out of a box and some cans] I refer you to this tomato can which is playing the part of a lens. Everything is make believe in Hollywood. Now the first thing for the amateur actor to remember is: never look into the tomato can.

Mr. Haney: Yes, Mrs. Douglas, take it from an old trooper: just talk into the sardine can, and the tomato can will always find you.

"Green Acres: Give Me Land, Lots of Land (#1.16)" (1966)
Lisa Douglas: [calling to Mr. Haney at the front door] Come in!
Eustace Charleton Haney: [the knob comes off in his hand] I can't. I've been de-doorknobbed!

Mr. Haney: Now, I could move this fine furniture in my spacious padded truck for... seventyfive dollars.
Lisa Douglas: Twentyfive.
Mr. Haney: Sixty?
Lisa Douglas: Fifteen.
Mr. Haney: Hey, hold it. You're going in the wrong direction. When I'm coming down, you're supposed to be going up.
Lisa Douglas: Ten.
Mr. Haney: Mrs. Douglas, you just ain't got the spirit of this thing.
Lisa Douglas: Five.

"Green Acres: Culture (#1.31)" (1966)
Sir Geoffrey: [Conducting the Hooterville Symphony Orchestra] Now please, let's try it: Brahm's Lullaby.
[the band plays a crawling version of "There's a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight"]
Sir Geoffrey: Stop, stop! Hold it, hold it! May I ask what you were playing?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, what was you conductin'?
Sir Geoffrey: Brahm's Lullaby.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Then that's what we was playin.'
Sir Geoffrey: That was not Brahm's Lullaby.
Oliver Douglas: [to Sir Geoffrey] Well it's as close as you're gonna get to it.
Sir Geoffrey: Look is there anyone here who can read music?
Ralph Monroe: Oh, I can.
Sir Geoffrey: Oh, well then my dear, would you mind humming it for the others?
Ralph Monroe: [to the tune of Brahms' Lullaby] La-da-dah, la-da-dah, la-da-dah-dah, da-da-dah, la-da-dah, dah...
Sir Geoffrey: Fine. Now, let's all hum it together.
Band members: [to the tune of Brahms' Lullaby] La-da-dah, la-da-dah, la-da-dah-dah, da-da-dah...
Sir Geoffrey: Capital, capital, capital! Now, let's all play that.
[the band plays "There's a Hot Time in the Old Town Tonight" as Sir Geoffrey breaks down and cries]

Sir Geoffrey: [to the Hooterville Fire Department band] We're going to start with a very simple little piece, Brahms' Lullaby.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Who wrote it?
Sir Geoffrey: Well, ehm...
Oliver Douglas: [to Sir Geoffrey] You should've taken the train, when I told you.

"Green Acres: Happy Birthday (#5.26)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pitching ideal gifts for Arnold] How about this mink-lined electric snout warmer, for the pig that has everything. Now, this can be plugged into a set of batteries that Arnold can wear strapped to underside of his stomach. If you're worried about it showing...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm not!
Eustace Charleton Haney: It can be covered with this matching mink car coat.

Eustace Charleton Haney: [reading card he's selling for Arnold's birthday] "Happy birthday 'o pig oh mine - "
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh pig 'o mine?
Eustace Charleton Haney: "Hope this finds you well and fine. The joys you brought me all through life...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Yeah, yeah, I'm familiar with the poem!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Oh. That Henry Wadsworth Longfellow wrote some great stuff.

"Green Acres: The Day of Decision (#1.22)" (1966)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [plucking a chicken to determine if Lisa will stay or go] She won't. She will. I've gotten some pretty accurate predictions pluckin'.

Eustace Charleton Haney: To this day, I can't look at a de-feathered chicken without thinking of my wife.

"Green Acres: Furniture, Furniture, Who's Got the Furniture? (#1.6)" (1965)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to pass off an eye chart as wall paper] How about "Doctor's waiting room?"
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No!
Eustace Charleton Haney: It's real practical. You can sit anywhere in the living room and check your eyes.

Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, like they say: learning to like wallpaper is like pushing a purple straw hat through a keyhole.

"Green Acres: Lisa's Jam Session (#3.2)" (1967)
Mr. Haney: Now, just take a look at what I got on my truck. Maybe some item will tickle your fancy. That is, if you've got a ticklish fancy.
Mr. Haney: Always like to start the dickering with a joke!
Oliver Douglas: Yeah, well, it's not much of a joke and we are not dickering.

Oliver Douglas: [Mr. Haney has a decorated bathtub on the back of his truck] What is that?
Mr. Haney: Eh, what is what?
Oliver Douglas: That monstrosity!
Mr. Haney: Mr. Douglas, may I shake your hand?
Oliver Douglas: What for?
Mr. Haney: You show that to a hundred people and probably not more than one of 'em will recognize it as a genuine Monstrositi. That is the work of Fedeccini Monstrositi, the last of the great Italian bathtub makers.

"Green Acres: Getting Even with Haney (#2.26)" (1967)
Oliver Douglas: Mr. Haney, that pile of junk isn't worth $8.
Mr. Haney: To the unappraisable eye, yes. I had each and every one of these objects de art evaluated by an in-unpeachable source: the county tax assessor, or as we sometimes call him, Cousin Joe.

Oliver Douglas: Mr. Haney, I'm warning you. I'm about fed up with your tricky merchandizing methods. You're going to go too far one of these days, and I'm going to help nail you.
Mr. Haney: Care to buy a hammer?
[produces a hammer from his pocket]

"Green Acres: How to Enlarge a Bedroom (#1.15)" (1965)
Eustace Charleton Haney: Mr. Douglas, I put my heart and soul into that house.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: You should have used lumber.

Oliver Wendell Douglas: Well, hello, Mr. Haney.
Eustace Charleton Haney: That'll be 12 dollars.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Just for saying hello?

"Green Acres: The Rains Came (#1.30)" (1966)
Mr. Haney: [to Lisa, upon arriving in court] Doggone, you look as purdy as a 350-dollar judgement against your husband.

Mr. Haney: Off your knees, Mr. Douglas, you don't have to beg.
Mr. Haney: I'm not begging, I am fixing the tractor.

"Green Acres: The Great Mayoralty Campaign (#6.6)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [noting Lisa's sex appeal] All your wife has to do to get the men folk to vote for her is to campaign in one of her fluffy neg-luh-gees.
Hank Kimball: I got an idea. Why don't we put Mr. Douglas in a neg-luh-gee?
Fred Ziffel: Aww, nawh. I've seen him in a neg-luh-gee. He don't do a thing to me.

Eustace Charleton Haney: [on Lisa's sexiness] That's right. All your wife has to do to get the menfolk to vote for her is to campaign in one of them fluffy "negligees" of hers.
Hank Kimball: I got an idea. Why don't we put Mr. Douglas in a "negligee?"
Fred Ziffel: Ah, nawh. I've seen him in a "negligee." He don't do a thing to me.

"Green Acres: The Ballad of Molly Turgiss (#1.26)" (1966)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to Haney after seeing Molly in the mirror] Did you ever notice a wrinkled old hag in the mirror when you were shaving?
Eustace Charleton Haney: No. But my wife did.

"Green Acres: The Price of Apples (#1.20)" (1966)
Mr. Haney: You know what that is? Genuine ice!
Oliver Douglas: That's your refrigeration plant?
Mr. Haney: Yes, sir. It operates on the principle of cold.

"Green Acres: Our Son, the Barber (#3.24)" (1968)
Eustace Charleton Haney: It's the latest wrinkle in barbering equipment!
[barber's chair on the back of his truck begins shaking]
Eustace Charleton Haney: It vibrates away the customer's cares while he's getting his hair cut. I bet you ain't seen anything shimmy like that since Gilda Gray!
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I haven't.
Eustace Charleton Haney: It'll pay for itself in three months with the loose change it vibrates out of the customer's pockets.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Goodbye, Mr. Haney.

"Green Acres: His Honor (#2.16)" (1967)
Roy Trendell: One more year judging live stock and I get promoted to being judge at the beauty contest.
Sam Drucker: But Roy...
Roy Trendell: And I ain't giving up my seniority rights to anybody.
Mr. Haney: But we've already appointed Mr. Douglas.
Roy Trendell: Well, disappoint him.
Mr. Haney: Oh, that'll break his little heart. He'll be lower than a small boy on a tall ladder.
Sam Drucker: What's that mean?
Mr. Haney: It means, eh, that he'll be shook up like a hobo with a green tie.
Sam Drucker: Oh, Haney!

"Green Acres: Don't Call Us, We'll Call You (#1.10)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: We're having eggs this morning.
Mr. Haney: Eggs from little Alice. I told you when I sold that hen to ya, that she was a layer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [rolls eyes] Hah!
Lisa Douglas: I left her a note to make us three eggs, and she made us four!
Mr. Haney: Well she probably just don't recognize your handwriting yet.

"Green Acres: The Carpenter's Ball (#6.22)" (1971)
Sam Drucker: [Haney claims that Lisa and Hank are running off to Acapulco] That's nonsense. Mrs. Douglas isn't that kind of a woman.
Eustace Charleton Haney: That's what they said about Cleopatra just before she run off with Richard Burton.
Sam Drucker: Cleopatra didn't...
Fred Ziffel: I still can't figure why she picked Hank Kimball.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, I've heard he has a certain animal attraction.
Fred Ziffel: Well, I never seen no dogs runnin' after him.

"Green Acres: The Computer Age (#2.21)" (1967)
Oliver Douglas: [Oliver opens the front door holding his nose] Oh, good morning, Mr. Haney.
Mr. Haney: [grabs his own nose] Pepperdink.
Oliver Douglas: What?
Mr. Haney: Pepperdink!
Oliver Douglas: [lets go of his nose] What are you talking about?
Mr. Haney: How come you know the secret sign but you don't know the password?

"Green Acres: Lisa's First Day on the Farm (#1.2)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [demanding his sinks and tub be returned by Haney] If they were in the house when I bought it, they belong to me!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Did you read your bill of sale?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I did!
Eustace Charleton Haney: All it said was I sold you A house, and that's what you got. A house.

"Green Acres: The Wish-Book (#5.14)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [describes Tessie] And from what I have heard, she strongly resembled you, Mrs. Douglas. She was as purddy as a birch tree in a field of rhododendrons.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Rhododendrons?
Eustace Charleton Haney: And like you Mrs. Douglas, she came from the old country.
Lisa Douglas: What old country?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Any old country. She couldn't get a passport.

"Green Acres: Lisa the Psychologist (#6.24)" (1971)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to sell a psychologist's couch] Junk? I'll have you know this is the very couch used by that famous psychoanalyst Sigmund Frood.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Sigmund Frood?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Or, "Siggy Baby" as Marie Antoinette used to call him. She was his first patient, ya know.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: They weren't even around at the same time!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Oh, they was very careful not to be seen together, but many's a time "Siggy" psychoed Marie on this very couch.

"Green Acres: My Husband, the Rooster Renter (#1.5)" (1965)
Lisa Douglas: [to Haney, discussing Bertram not crowing] We didn't hear a peep out of him!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, he ain't a peeper. He's a crower.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: He's not a crower. He's a pecker!

"Green Acres: Beauty Is Skin Deep (#5.13)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: [plans to order her cosmetics from the Lady Love company] I think they make very good cosmeteticals.
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pitching his brand] Not according to an independent survey made in a small Midwestern town where half of the women were given Lady Love hand creme to use on their hands and the other half were given my hand creme. And would you believe, in my group there was not a single cavity?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: What has that got to do with...

"Green Acres: The Decorator (#1.3)" (1965)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [finding his mother passed out outside] What's wrong with her?
Eustace Charleton Haney: I don't know. I picked her up at the depot, drover her out, she got out of truck, took one look at the house and keeled over.
Lisa Douglas: I can understand that.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yeah, I guess the rustic beauty is kinda overwhelming.

"Green Acres: Where There's a Will (#5.3)" (1969)
Lisa Douglas: Mr. Haney, how can you prove that Arnold is related to Herman?
Eustace Charleton Haney: It's simple. I use the blood sample comparison method. Now if you'll step with me to the back of my mo-bile laboratory. I call it that because it was given to me by a grateful customer, Moe Bile.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, brother!
Eustace Charleton Haney: [forcibly dragging Oliver by the arm] That's just a little joke I use before escorting people to the back of the truck. It sorta takes the tension out of the air.
Lisa Douglas: [takes deep breath] Mmmmm, it works! I don't feel as tense as I did!

"Green Acres: The Best Laid Plans (#1.4)" (1965)
Mr. Haney: [to Eleanor the cow] You know what to do, Eleanor, when you see Mr. Douglas, be sure you look sad. Try to cry a little.
[Eleanor moos]
Mr. Haney: Sadder!

"Green Acres: Economy Flight to Washington (#4.19)" (1969)
Eustace Charleton Haney: While yer away on yer trip, ah thought you might like ta avail yerself of Haney's Farm Mindin' Service.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yessir, at Haney's Farm Mindin' Service, for a nom-yew-nal fee we will move into yer house, eat yer food, drink yer likker, and turn away any unwanted relatives that might show up at yer door.

"Green Acres: Uncle Ollie (#1.32)" (1966)
Oliver Douglas: [Mr. Haney demands $ 48,50 for damages] Could we make that an even amount?
Mr. Haney: Sure!
Oliver Douglas: [reaches into his pocket] Here's, eh, 50 cents.

"Green Acres: Flight to Nowhere (#3.21)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [Haney pitches his own checks] Haney's Traveler's Checks? I could just imagine me trying to get someone to cash one of those for me!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Easiest thing in the world.
[man walks up]
Eustace Charleton Haney: Oh, excuse me, sir. Would you mind cashing this ten dollar traveler's check?
Man: Sorry, I - -Aww, it's a Haney's Traveler's Check! Be glad to hep ya!
Eustace Charleton Haney: Thank you.
[man leaves]
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Where did you have him stashed?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Who?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That shill that cashed the check for you.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Mr. Douglas, I never saw him before. He was a perfect stranger.
Man: [returning] How long we gonna be here cousin Eustace?

"Green Acres: The Beeping Rock (#5.23)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [showing the Moon rocks on the back of his truck] Them two big ones are Mars rocks.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Mars rocks?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Hurled at me by an unfriendly flying saucer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, boy!
Lisa Douglas: They don't look like the ones we have.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Uh, that's because most of these come from the dark side of the moon.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh? How were they found?
Eustace Charleton Haney: With a flashlight.

"Green Acres: The Hooterville Image (#2.9)" (1966)
Sam Drucker: Haney, don't' sell you cheap overalls in my store!
Mr. Haney: You see, even Sam admits that they're priced reasonable.

"Green Acres: Never Take Your Wife to a Convention (#2.20)" (1967)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: And you're still not going to send anybody to the convention?
Mr. Haney: I don't see why you're so head up, it's not like we're against the Red Cross or anything.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: No, I didn't mean that...
Mr. Haney: The only thing we're against is Gene Autry kissing the girl at the end of the picture.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Why, that's different...
Mr. Haney: Even if it was Ruby Keeler, I wouldn't wanna see Gene kiss her.

"Green Acres: The Picnic (#5.22)" (1970)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pitching his picnic package] Now, the picnic basket also contains this plastic chocolate layered cake.
Lisa Douglas: What's that for?
Eustace Charleton Haney: I'm glad you asked that.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [to Haney] You would have told her anyway.
Eustace Charleton Haney: This is my patented ant attractor. You just place it on the ground at least five feet away from where you're eating, and the ants are attracted by the life-like look of the cake. And while you eat in peace, they're breaking their little teeth on the plastic.

"Green Acres: Never Trust a Little Old Lady (#2.14)" (1966)
Mr. Haney: [hods up two troll dolls he claims are voodoo dolls] And this is the Mildred hexer and this is the Walter jinxer. Just a few pins in the right places and you can put the weather where everyou want it.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Do you happen to have a Haney hexer?
Mr. Haney: No, I don't believe I do.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Oh, that's too bad. Then I'll have to start sticking the pins in you personally.

"Green Acres: A Pig in a Poke (#1.23)" (1966)
Mr. Haney: I know what you're looking for: this beautiful giant eggslicer.
Oliver Wendell Douglas: That's a harp!
Mr. Haney: Correct. A Eggslicer harp, made personal by Horace Eggslicer, the last of the great harpmakers.

"Green Acres: Hail to the Fire Chief (#4.3)" (1968)
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [fining Haney on phony fire violations] Oh, I'm sorry. That's going to cost you $18.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, why?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Section 14 of the fire prevention code states that a connected soldering iron must be at least 30 feet from an unflameproofed wooden Indian.
Eustace Charleton Haney: Well, it was. It was. But, uh, while I was working, uh, the Indian moved over closer to watch me.

"Green Acres: The Wedding Anniversary (#1.13)" (1965)
Mr. Haney: Well, while you're getting the correct change, I would like to recite a little poem I composed for anniversaries. Copies of which can be purchased from the author for 25 cents.
Mr. Haney: Happy anniversary. Anniversaries come but once a year, bringing joy and good cheer. Some are sad, some are funny...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: Get on your truck, here's your money!

"Green Acres: A Star Named Arnold Is Born: Part 1 (#3.29)" (1968)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [pre-show announcements] Now appearin' in tonight's play are Sam Drucker, Newt Kiley's police dog Columbo, and Sophia Loren. Uh, due to circumstances beyond our control, Miss Loren can't appear tonight, so, uh, her part will be played by Ralph Monroe.
[audience bursts into applause]

"Green Acres: The Ugly Duckling (#2.5)" (1966)
Mr. Haney: Morning, Mr. Douglas, did you see a pair of pliers?
Oliver Wendell Douglas: [in considerable pain] Yeah, you dropped them on my head.
Mr. Haney: Any idea where they bounced?

"Green Acres: Law Partners (#4.17)" (1969)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [showing the office he's trying to rent to Oliver and Brian] Now let me show you it's other advantages. Running water!
[points out water cooler in closet]
Eustace Charleton Haney: Now over here we have this burglar-proof wall safe for your important documents.
[opens safe and the outdoors is visible]
Eustace Charleton Haney: Doggone, somebody swiped the back off of it!
Brian Williams: You said this place had three rooms.
Eustace Charleton Haney: It does. There's this room and two others down the hall. One marked "Men" and another marked "Women."

"Green Acres: Home Is Where You Run Away From (#3.18)" (1968)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [describing the dress modeled by Nancy] Now this is a copy of a gen-u-wine imitation of an original Parisian design stolen by...
Oliver Wendell Douglas: I'm looking for something for an 8-year-old boy.
Eustace Charleton Haney: You couldn't get anything better for an 8-year-old little boy than Nancy!

"Green Acres: Haney's New Image (#3.13)" (1967)
Eustace Charleton Haney: [trying to charm Lisa into moving from their house] Manys a'time I said said to myself it's a shame to keep a beautiful pigeon like you cooped up in this dump.
Lisa Douglas: Manys a'time I said the same thing to Mr. Douglas.
Eustace Charleton Haney: I'll bet you'd be willing to move at the drop of a hat.
Lisa Douglas: Yea, I would, but Mr. Douglas isn't much of a hat dropper.

"Green Acres: Guess Who's Not Going to the Luau? (#4.1)" (1968)
Mr. Haney: In the words of Duke Kakanaki, "Aloha nui wah hoo lalani" - which means: May your bed be filled with broken coconut shells.

"Green Acres: Son of Drobny (#6.16)" (1971)
Sam Drucker: What we gotta do is figure some way to attract outside money here. Remember the crowds that used to flock in on weekends?
Eustace Charleton Haney: Yeah. Too bad Newt Kiley's two-headed rooster died.

"Green Acres: Wings Over Hooterville (#2.1)" (1966)
Mr. Haney: When my friends are standing there with their hand out, asking for help, I'm there.
Lisa Douglas: With your hand out!
Mr. Haney: Ooh, that stung. Like a cheap aftershave lotion on a nicked chin.