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Quotes for
Davis Quinton (Character)
from "Corner Gas" (2004)

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"Corner Gas: Security Cam (#2.8)" (2004)
Karen Pelly: Stun gun? What're you gonna do with that?
Davis Quinton: Stun people.
Karen Pelly: What people?
Davis Quinton: Bad people.
Karen Pelly: [nonplussed] Okay, then.

Davis Quinton: Did you tell Hank to rob Corner Gas?
Karen Pelly: No! What? No! That's crazy talk. Hank's crazy!
Davis Quinton: He says you practically drew him a map.
Hank Yarbo: She literally drew me a map!
Karen Pelly: It was a hypothetical map!

Davis Quinton: Hello. My name's Davis Quinton. I'm auditioning for one of Lacey's security plays. For this scene, I'll be using a Taser gun instead of a real one. I think a real gun would be better, but some people think it's dangerous.

Davis Quinton: You know, there's more to me than a pretty boy, tough guy cop.

Karen Pelly: Where'd you get the cash for that stun gun? I though you were gonna use the surplus to buy bullet proof vests.
Davis Quinton: I saved a little money by buying bullet *resistant* vests.

Davis Quinton: I've been a cop for 20 years, but I've never had to shoot anybody before. I know you're my partner,
[aims his gun]
Davis Quinton: but now it's time for you to...
Davis Quinton: Line?
Karen Pelly: [who is at the other end of the gun, holding a script] Die.
Davis Quinton: Die! Right.
Karen Pelly: And I'd feel more comfortable if you used a prop gun instead.
Davis Quinton: But this helps me stay in the moment.

"Corner Gas: Full Load (#6.1)" (2008)
Davis Quinton: License and registration.
Hank Yarbo: What'd I do?
Davis Quinton: You didn't fix your broken tail-light. I told you like a thousand times.
Hank Yarbo: Exaggeration! It was maybe ten times.
Davis Quinton: Like ten million times. How are people going to know when you're stopped?
Hank Yarbo: They hit the back of the truck; that's how I broke the light.

[to Brent, after seeing the perogies Davis made]
Lacey Burrows: Wow, so how many of those are you going to eat?
Davis Quinton: Oh, no, no, no, Brent's not allowed to enter the eating contest.
Lacey Burrows: Why? Are you some kind of pro or something?
Brent Leroy: No, I'm not a pro... the pros know who I am. No, no one will enter if I enter, so I entered you.
Lacey Burrows: You entered me?
Brent Leroy: We should probably change verbs before this gets weird.

Brent Leroy: [to Lacey] Wow, you can eat. I had no idea you could unhinge your jaw like that. I think I saw you on the Discovery Channel.
Davis Quinton: Hey, champ! So how'd you like those perogies? Pretty tasty, huh?
Lacey Burrows: Honestly, I was eating so fast, I couldn't taste a thing.
Davis Quinton: [disappointed] Oh, I see. I'm glad to know I wasted my Friday night cooking those up, when I could have been... I could have been... anyways, I wasted my time.

Brent Leroy: It's already arranged! I phoned Fitzy's grandma, asked her to make four dozen perogies, bring them over here.
Davis Quinton: Fitzy's grandma! Why didn't you ask me?
Brent Leroy: You said you'd never do it again.
Davis Quinton: I didn't say that.
Lacey Burrows: You did. It was just a bit more whiny.

Davis Quinton: [menacing] I see... making a fresh batch of perogies... right here in your lovely kitchen. Such a nice kitchen; it would be a shame if something should... happen to it.
Fitzy's Grandma: Are you trying to intimidate me?
Davis Quinton: [cheery] Kind of. Is it working?
Fitzy's Grandma: Not really, no.

"Corner Gas: Bend It Like Brent (#6.2)" (2008)
Davis Quinton: Hey, Brent, who's your favourite football team?
Brent Leroy: The Riders. Duh.
Davis Quinton: No, not Canadian football.
Brent Leroy: Oh, then the Minnesota Vikings.
Davis Quinton: No, out on the pitch!
Brent Leroy: What do you mean? Soccer?
Davis Quinton: Yeah.
Brent Leroy: Well, then, it's a tie between the Manchester I-Don't-Give-a-Craps and the London Not-a-Real-Sports.

Davis Quinton: Hey, come to watch the match, did you? Thanks for donating the footballs, by the way.
Lacey Burrows: Oh, well, it's the least I could do for our soccer team... give them some soccer balls... to play soccer with.
Davis Quinton: The, uh, proper term is football. I think it's best for the kids to hear some of the British terminology.
Lacey Burrows: Oh. Hey, what's the British term for someone who uses stupid British terms?
Davis Quinton: Wanker.
Lacey Burrows: Good to know.

Lacey Burrows: [at a soccer match] Hey, Davis, I think we need to take Peter out.
Davis Quinton: But he looks like he's having fun out there.
Lacey Burrows: Well, we need someone faster. Take him out.
Davis Quinton: Fine. Peter!
[He motions Peter "in" to the sidelines]
Brent Leroy: Don't listen to her, Davis. I'll back you. Leave him in.
Davis Quinton: Peter! Stay out there!
Lacey Burrows: I said pull him out.
Davis Quinton: Peter! In!
Brent Leroy: Leave him in, Davis.
Davis Quinton: [to Peter] Out!
Lacey Burrows: Peter needs to come out.
Davis Quinton: [to Peter] In!
Brent Leroy: He's the captain. He needs to stay in.
Davis Quinton: [to Peter] Out!
Lacey Burrows: [to Davis] Out!
Davis Quinton: [to Peter] In!

Brent Leroy: [after Davis agrees that both he and Lacey can be sponsors for the new soccer team] Well, that's it then, blokes. Let's celebrate with some bangers and mash and ring up our mobiles, or my name isn't Sir Aluminium Boot-Bonnet.
Davis Quinton: [to Lacey] Is he having a laugh?
Lacey Burrows: Or some kind of seizure.

"Corner Gas: Rock On! (#2.15)" (2005)
Lacey Burrows: Hey, I got saddled with writing a blurb for the town plaque. Do you guys know how Dog River got its name?
Constable Karen Pelly: It's Dog River because from way up in the sky the river is shaped like a dog's leg, so the pioneers called it Dog River.
Lacey Burrows: The pioneers had an aerial view?
Constable Karen Pelly: Oh, yeah. They built aerial silos with... okay, I made it up.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Well, it's simple, Lacey. The first Europeans to settle the area called it Dagsarivija after their village in the old country. Some northern European language.
Lacey Burrows: Danish?
Sergeant Davis Quinton: No, thanks. I had breakfast at home.

[Oscar thinks a famous country singer stole a song idea from him]
Oscar Leroy: Listen, I pay your taxes! I want you to go to that concert and arrest Dewey Macleod!
Constable Karen Pelly: Sorry, Oscar. You waited too long to report any malfeasance.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Yeah. Plus it never happened.
Constable Karen Pelly: Plus copyright infringement is a civil matter.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Plus Saskatoon's out of our jurisdiction.
Oscar Leroy: Stupid pluses!

[Thunderface plays at the hotel bar]
Oscar Leroy: Not my cup of tea.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Not a fan of rock and roll, eh?
Oscar Leroy: It's just too derivative of the heavy glam rock of the '80s.
Emma Leroy: Totally!
Oscar Leroy: Play some B.T.O. or something!

Oscar Leroy: [talking about the song that he wrote that apparently a country singer has stolen off him] Mona the Monkey? Errol the Squirrel?
Lacey Burrows: Casper the Ghost, Dennis the Menace.
Constable Karen Pelly: Tony the Tiger.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Winnie the Pooh.
Lacey Burrows: Soup of the day.
Oscar Leroy: You're all smart! Maybe Tony the Pooh doesn't know when he's being ripped off. You ever think about that?
Lacey Burrows: Maybe just half a cup for you today.

"Corner Gas: Lacey Borrows (#4.15)" (2007)
[Hank, who doesn't have a wallet, has been searching for his debit card to pay for Davis' lunch]
Davis Quinton: You were out there rooting around in your truck for 10 minutes. If you do that five times a day, multiply that by 365 days for 36 years, you'd have wasted 12 years of your life.
Hank Yarbo: 12 years?
Davis Quinton: Or is it 12 days?
Hank Yarbo: Man, that's 12 years I can't get back!
Davis Quinton: I don't think I carried the 4.
Hank Yarbo: Birth to grade 6 is gone!... Well, grade 5 twice...
Davis Quinton: Anyways, it's something you should think about.
Hank Yarbo: Maybe I should park closer.
Davis Quinton: Think more about it.

Karen Pelly: What happened to my computer?
Davis Quinton: What do you think happened to your computer?
[cut to the Ruby]
Hank Yarbo: [pulling Karen's laptop from his pants] Anybody need a laptop?
[cut back]
Davis Quinton: No. Lacey took it.

Davis Quinton: [after Lacey borrows the police car and speeds off with the sirens blaring; to Karen] Hey! You never let me use the sirens.

"Corner Gas: Grad '68 (#1.5)" (2004)
Karen Pelly: [Karen is trying to figure out who spray-painted "Grad '68" on the water tower] I think I got a good lead on a cold case.
Davis: Hey, great work rookie. What is it?
Karen Pelly: Well, take a look at this picture of the water tower.
Davis: [Uninterested] Not "Grad '68".
Karen Pelly: This picture was taken in 1972.
Davis: How much did it cost to get these pictures blown up?
Karen Pelly: But look the water tower's unmarked.
Davis: You got 'em dry-mounted, that's like 20 bucks each!
Karen Pelly: Why would someone paint "Grad '68" if it wasn't 1968?
Davis: I don't know. But if you figure that one out, you'll be halfway to; I don't give a damn!

Davis Quinton: At least I'm not...
Karen Pelly: Blonde? Thin? Pretty?
Davis Quinton: [pouts] I'm pretty.

Davis: I was young and bored, thin and pretty.
Wanda Dollard: What the hell happened?

"Corner Gas: Hurry Hard (#2.11)" (2005)
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Karen, I want to show you something: the Clavet Cup, named after Archie Clavet, the greatest curler ever to come out of Dog River. Some people say Archie Clavet could slide a cup of coffee down the length of the ice, draw it dead to the button without spilling a drop. Isn't that amazing?
Constable Karen Pelly: It's amazing that people go around saying that, yeah.

Sergeant Davis Quinton: You lost the Clavet Cup!
Constable Karen Pelly: I didn't lose it. I'm unable to ascertain its whereabouts at this juncture.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: I taught you police mumbo jumbo. Don't try it on me!

Sergeant Davis Quinton: Well, don't let your lousy policing skills get you down. Everybody does something completely moronic now and then.
Constable Karen Pelly: Ah, you're just being nice.

"Corner Gas: The Brent Effect (#2.1)" (2004)
[Karen grills Davis over misusing his firearm]
Constable Karen Pelly: So you say you were out by Lumsden's farm.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Yeah, just west of town.
Constable Karen Pelly: Driving your patrol car?
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Of course!
Constable Karen Pelly: Okay, okay. We're on the same side here, Davis. No need to get defensive.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: I'm not!
Constable Karen Pelly: You're not on my side?
Sergeant Davis Quinton: I'm not defensive!

Karen Pelly: How stupid are you? You can't just fire your gun off willy-nilly!
Davis: It wasn't willy-nilly, it was at crows.

Karen Pelly: "... and any firing of the sidearm shall warrant a full and thorough internal report to be executed and filed by a fellow officer."
Davis Quinton: How are we supposed to know what's right and what's wrong, when they keep adding new rules?
Karen Pelly: This was published in 1964.
Davis Quinton: I wasn't even a cop in '64, how am I supposed to know that stuff?

"Corner Gas: Whataphobia (#2.4)" (2004)
Brent Leroy: Oh, hey, Mum. Davis? What's up?
Emma Leroy: After Oscar's rampage, I went down to Stan's to apologize and...
Davis Quinton: She punched him out.
Emma Leroy: He was being a jackass!

Davis Quinton: So you see, everyone on Earth could be descendants of the last Battlestar.
Lacey Burrows: I didn't see where that was going. Now that you've explained it, I see it goes nowhere.

Karen Pelly: [over the police radio] Davis? Come in, Davis.
Davis Quinton: Go ahead, Karen.
Karen Pelly: We got a 10-19 in progress.
Davis Quinton: Trouble at the Mini Putt?

"Corner Gas: Happy Campers (#4.18)" (2007)
[about a Dog Riverite who disappeared after Davis revealed he was a protected witness]
Davis Quinton: He missed big city life. He decided to go home.
Brent LeRoy: In the middle of the night after he burned down his own house?

Davis Quinton: We don't have to make waffles the first night. The first night we can have beans. Then in the morning we can have waffles. I brought maple syrup, but I didn't bring blueberry syrup, because I thought: "Camping: we're roughing it."
Oscar Leroy: We're not going camping, jackass!
Davis Quinton: Huh?
Brent LeRoy: He said we're not going camping. Then he called you a jackass.

[Davis finds out that instead of camping, Oscar and Brent merely go to the city and split up for 3 days]
Davis Quinton: What do you do in the city?
Oscar Leroy: I go to the library and read magazines. I got my library buddies there.
Brent LeRoy: Those guys are hoboes.
Oscar Leroy: Hoboes ride trains! These guys are intellectuals: Rowdy and Patches and Shy Pete.
Brent LeRoy: The one guy's got a top hat with no top in it. That's not a hobo?
Oscar Leroy: Aw!
Davis Quinton: What about you? What do you do in the city?
Brent LeRoy: Uh...
[he imagines himself sitting at a table playing a role-playing game]
First RPG Guy: Ha! The Dark Elf has resisted your Vorpal Sword!
Brent LeRoy: [takes dice] Yeah? Well, I'll use the crystals of Zanothe to weaken his magic armor - huh? - show him who's vorpal!
[back in the real world:]
Brent LeRoy: I keep busy.

"Corner Gas: Face Off (#1.12)" (2004)
Hank Yarbo: [during pre-game team meeting] Huge crowd out there, boys.
Brent LeRoy: What do you figure?
Hank Yarbo: Got to be close to 50.
Davis Quinton: Let's not disappoint them, boys. I hate losing to this team. Actually, I hate losing in general, but especially to this team.
Brent LeRoy: And you guys stay on that Rocket Ronnie. Geez, I hate getting deked out by that guy. I hate getting deked! It's like being tricked! Guy says, "I'm going to go left," but then he doesn't go left. He goes right and then he scores and he's some kind of hero and I'm a gullible jackass.
[the team stares at him]
Brent LeRoy: So stay on him, is all.

Davis: Uh... I came to use your skate sharpener.
Oscar Leroy: Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait.
Davis: I heard we almost lost Brent.
Oscar Leroy: What do you mean?
Davis: The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team.
Oscar Leroy: They what? Sons of... How would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink?
Karen Pelly: That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you?

Davis: [after a tiring period in a hockey game] Good hustle out there guys.
Davis: Anyone seen my pancreas?

"Corner Gas: World's Biggest Thing (#1.6)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: One day it dawns on you that you're starting to get old. Then it dawns on you that you are old. Then it dawns on you that every second that ticks by is just another inch that you've dragged your carcass towards your own cold grave. Then one day stuff stops dawning on you... 'cause you died.
Davis Quinton: You ever done any motivational speaking? You should look into it.

Davis Quinton: New music sucks, and it sucks too loud.

Davis Quinton: I can't believe they're building the World's Biggest Hoe. Might as well say we've got the World's Biggest Prostitute.
[he and Karen laugh]
Mrs. Jensen: [standing up from where she's sitting in front of them, looking shocked] Shame on you!
[slaps Davis]
Mrs. Jensen: Why do you youngsters always have such filthy mouths?

"Corner Gas: Mosquito Time (#2.10)" (2004)
Davis Quinton: [discussing what Lacey's contribution to the time capsule should be] Hey, how about that mug?
Lacey Burrows: You think that my personality is encapsulated by a mug?
Davis Quinton: Not A mug. THAT mug.

Karen Pelly: [the phone starts ringing at the police station, Karen just looks at it as she continues to polish mugs] I suppose I should get that.
Davis Quinton: [shrugs] Up to you.
Karen Pelly: [finally answers phone] What? I mean, Dog River Police.

Davis Quinton: We want to buy some liquid dish soap.
Oscar Leroy: Licky disco?

"Corner Gas: Dark Circles (#5.4)" (2007)
[Davis, believing Oscar is quarreling with Emma, is letting him stay at his house]
Wanda Dollard: Do you have any idea what it would be like to live with Oscar?
Davis Quinton: I'm about to find out.
Wanda Dollard: Yeah, well, Emma put in 40 years. By the time you hit 40 minutes, you'll be thinking of places to hide the body.

Davis Quinton: [near the faked crop circles] Karen, I want you to get the RCMP down here right away. Tell them we got a 10-92.
Karen Pelly: Parking violation?
Davis Quinton: By aliens.

Oscar Leroy: Maybe you could make one of those egg pies.
Davis Quinton: Quiche?
Oscar Leroy: With the tomato dip.
Davis Quinton: Salsa?
Oscar Leroy: Oh, speak English!

"Corner Gas: Safety First (#3.10)" (2005)
[Davis prepares to help Oscar retile the Leroys' roof]
Davis Quinton: Hey, these knee pads are like hats for little elves.
Emma Leroy: When you fall off the roof, try not to land on anything important.

[Wands rescues Davis and Oscar from the Leroys' roof]
Wanda Dollard: It's a good thing I had my window rolled down or I wouldn't have heard your shrill, girllike whining.
Davis Quinton: It's not girllike. It was masculine whining.

Lacey Burrows: [to Oscar and Davis, who are on the Leroys' roof again] Hey, are you guys okay?
Davis Quinton: [to Oscar] I don't know. Are we?
Oscar Leroy: [to Lacey] We're fine. Just taking a break.
Lacey Burrows: Because it looks like your ladder's knocked down.
Oscar Leroy: We're not stuck up here, if that's what you mean.
Davis Quinton: That's just our backup ladder.
Lacey Burrows: Really? Because I could just pick it up.
Davis Quinton: Leave it down, please.
Lacey Burrows: Okay, as long as you're fine.
Oscar Leroy: Couldn't be better.
Lacey Burrows: Or weirder.

"Corner Gas: Coming Distractions (#5.16)" (2008)
Oscar Leroy: I need you to protect my sidewalk. Wanda's been casing the joint so she can write her name.
Davis Quinton: Oh! That's Wanda that's been writing her name!
Oscar Leroy: Who else would be writing "Wanda"?
Davis Quinton: I thought it was an acronym for something.
Oscar Leroy: For what?
Davis Quinton: Oh, I don't know. Western Association of Non-Developed Agencies. World Agencies for Non-Developed Associations. Wizards Against Naked Dancing in Alberta. William And Nadine's Dental Appliances. And those are just off the top of my head.

Karen Pelly: [to Davis] Maybe Brent will go with you.
Brent LeRoy: Maybe... unless you're talking about France. Then forget it.
Davis Quinton: No, no. I'm talking about Raptorman 2.
Brent LeRoy: Oh. The first one was awesome. This one's supposed to be even awesomer.
Karen Pelly: You two nerds should put on your Spock ears and go together.
Davis Quinton: This is a completely different genre.
Brent LeRoy: Yeah. We wear claws.

"Corner Gas: All My Ex's (#1.7)" (2004)
Davis: [referring to their Billy clubs] Meet my friend Billy.
Karen Pelly: And this is my friend Jennifer!

Davis: Proper billy-club use Karen, that's the secret. I find it helps if you give your billy-club a name. You know what I call mine?
Karen Pelly: Billy?
Davis: Anyways, a billy-club is a cop's best friend.
Karen Pelly: I thought you said a gun was a cop's best friend.
Davis: Well, a gun is more like a cop's lover. There's some things you tell your gun that you'd never tell a lover. And sometimes your lover and your best friend don't get along. Or maybe you go out with one and the other gets mad at you 'cause you didn't go out with it!
Karen Pelly: You're divorced right?

"Corner Gas: All That and a Bag of Chips (#6.5)" (2008)
Davis Quinton: I've done my bit. I've kept her name out of the paper.
[cut to the Howler with the headline 'Unnamed Cop in Muffin Scandal', which has a photo of Karen under it]

Davis Quinton: Hey, Lacey?
Lacey Burrows: Yes, Davis?
Davis Quinton: You forgot to pay a ticket.
Lacey Burrows: Oh right, I forgot to pay a ticket. How embarrassing.
Davis Quinton: A ticket for public indecency.
[everyone in the Ruby looks up]
Karen Pelly: Now we're getting somewhere!
Lacey Burrows: No, no, I think you mean a parking ticket.
Davis Quinton: No. You flashed Old Man Caruthers.
Old Man Caruthers: [to Lacey] You flashed me? Oh, I wish I could remember that.

"Corner Gas: Cousin Carl (#1.8)" (2004)
Davis Quinton: Will you be my puppet in the talent show?
Karen Pelly: No.
Davis Quinton: [angrily] Fine. I'll get a sock.

Emma Leroy: I thought Davis was hilarious.
Davis Quinton: Thanks Emma.
Emma Leroy: Not you, Davis, the puppet Davis. You kinda sucked.

"Corner Gas: Shirt Disturber (#6.10)" (2009)
[Police officer Davis sidelines as a home alarm salesman]
Davis Quinton: [to Oscar and Emma] Good day, sir. Hello, ma'am. How safe do you feel in your own neighbourhood?
Emma Leroy: I'd feel safer if we had a police department.

Davis Quinton: There's no doubt you're a senior rookie. I know that and you know that. But we're cops. We're constantly on the move. Seconds count. I think we should drop the word "senior".
Karen Pelly: It's two syllables. How much time is that going to save?
Davis Quinton: It's the difference between life and death. I could be half way through saying "senior" and be shot.
Karen Pelly: But who'd blame me?

"Corner Gas: R2 Bee Too (#6.15)" (2009)
Davis Quinton: I hate to brag, but I just bought the robot to end all robots. I'll give you a hint: Artoo!
Hank Yarbo: [bemused] Uh huh?
Davis Quinton: Detoo!
Hank Yarbo: [still bemused] Uh huh?
Davis Quinton: Artoo Detoo!
Hank Yarbo: Cool! You got an Artoo Detoo?
Davis Quinton: Not an Artoo Detoo. The Artoo Detoo from a little movie called The Star Wars.
Hank Yarbo: It's just Star Wars.
Davis Quinton: Yeah, but originally it was ca - I don't want to get into this again.

Karen Pelly: [near the police car] Are you cutting a hole in the trunk for Artoo Detoo?
Davis Quinton: He can ride with us! GPS? Don't need it anymore. Artoo Detoo! Phones? Don't need 'em. Artoo Detoo! We can send holographic messages to each other!
Karen Pelly: Why would we want to do that?
[Davis imagines Artoo projecting a holographic image of Karen in the police station]
Karen Pelly: Davis, you're my only hope! I need to borrow your stapler!... Davis, you're my only hope! I need to borrow your stapler!
[back in the real world:]
Karen Pelly: Hypothetically speaking, if I wanted to transfer, where are the forms?

"Corner Gas: Pandora's Wine (#2.13)" (2005)
Brent Leroy: The bed is the couch of the bedroom.
Davis Quinton: Food for thought. Not good food, more like marshmallows or beef jerky for thought.

Karen Pelly: [referring to Davis' new shoes] How do they feel?
Davis Quinton: Not too shabby. Steel toe, Vulcanised rubber sole...
Karen Pelly: Those Vulcans.
Davis Quinton: It's not just logic with them.

"Corner Gas: Ruby Reborn (#1.1)" (2004)
Karen Pelly: Car 1 to Car 2. Car 1 to Car 2. Come in, Car 2.
Davis Quinton: I'm Car 1.
Karen Pelly: I thought I was Car 1.
Davis Quinton: I'm always Car 1.
Karen Pelly: Really? 'Cause my car's got a big "1" on it.
Davis Quinton: What do you want, Karen?
Karen Pelly: I thought whoever spoke first was Car 1.

[there is a knock at the door]
Lacey: Who is it?
Davis: Open up ma'am, police business.
Lacey: [opens the door] Is this official police business, or do you just want a cup of coffee?
Davis: Do you have any on?

"Corner Gas: The Good Old Table Hockey Game (#4.14)" (2007)
[Karen beats Hank at table hockey]
Hank Yarbo: Man, that was unbelievable! I mean, you wouldn't be able to beat Brent, but...
Davis Quinton: Oh, I don't know. She's pretty good.
Hank Yarbo: Yeah, but Brent's the best, you know. I mean, when it comes to table hockey, he's king of the knobs.
Karen Pelly: That's pretty high praise considering the source.

[before the final game]
Wanda Dollard: [Brent's table hockey coach] If this game is tied, then the series will be tied.
Davis Quinton: [Karen's table hockey coach] We'll have scored more goals. I'll be claiming victory.
Wanda Dollard: You'll be claiming dental surgery.

"Corner Gas: Cat River Daze (#6.11)" (2009)
Lacey Burrows: [to Davis and Hank] We have to raise money so that we can save Dog River Days.
Hank Yarbo: I got it. I propose a dunk tank.
Lacey Burrows: I don't think that...
Davis Quinton: Second.
Hank Yarbo: All in favour?
[Hank and Davis raise their hands]
Hank Yarbo: Motion carried.
Davis Quinton: Move to adjourn.
Hank Yarbo: Second.
[Hank and Davis raise their hands]
Davis Quinton: Motion carried.
Lacey Burrows: [as they leave] I...

Davis Quinton: You find me annoying, right?
Brent LeRoy: I do.
Davis Quinton: Thank you.

"Corner Gas: Meat Wave (#6.4)" (2008)
Lacey Burrows: [about the virtual pet she has found] Oh, it's barking. Why is it barking?
Davis Quinton: It probably wants you to get me my coffee.

Davis Quinton: [sitting in the police car, looking through Oscar and Emma's window with a pair of binoculars to make sure they're not eating his and Karen's meat] I can't tell.
Karen Pelly: Ah, here, let me see!
[takes the binoculars]
Karen Pelly: Whoa, she is hairy!
Davis Quinton: Wrong house. That's Mertyl.
[he moves the binoculars, Karen sees Emma standing at the window with her own pair of binoculars]
Karen Pelly: I think they're on to us!
[they both throw their seats back so they can't be seen]

"Corner Gas: Smell of Freedom (#2.3)" (2004)
Karen Pelly: Oscar's got a cat up his tree.
Davis Quinton: Oh, I see what you're saying.
Karen Pelly: No, he's actually got a cat up his tree.
Brent Leroy: What did you think she was saying?
Davis Quinton: I thought it was a euphemism for something.
Brent Leroy: For what?
Davis Quinton: I don't know, it sounded like a euphemism. I didn't want to be left out.
[Brent and Karen stare at him]
Davis Quinton: Oh, see, I knew it'd be awkward once you found out I couldn't smell.

Brent LeRoy: Hey, I'm, uh, I'm sorry about that crack I made at the Ruby. Which, although it was funny, may have seemed insensitive. Although it was funny.
Davis Quinton: It's okay.
Brent LeRoy: Why didn't you tell me you couldn't smell?
Davis Quinton: I did.
Brent LeRoy: Can you smell propane?
Davis Quinton: No, I can't smell anything.
[flashback ends]
Brent LeRoy: Anyone could've missed that.
Davis Quinton: Well, you obviously don't remember the rest of the conversation.
Davis Quinton: It's not that I can't smell propane, it's that I can't smell *anything*. Propane, skunk, leftovers. I have no sense of smell!
[flashback ends]
Brent LeRoy: Ah, you talk in riddles.

"Corner Gas: Final Countdown (#5.19)" (2008)
Davis Quinton: No permit, no fireworks. Now, if you can gently carry them and very carefully place them in the trunk of the police car while I stand way over here, that'd be great.

Kiefer Sutherland: [answers phone] Hello?
Davis Quinton: We have a problem. We need to set up a perimeter.
Kiefer Sutherland: Who is this?
Davis Quinton: Isn't this the coach of the baseball team?
Kiefer Sutherland: No, you have the wrong number. This is Shirley Douglas' residence.
Davis Quinton: Really?
Kiefer Sutherland: [slightly impatient] Yes, I should know, she's my mother.
Davis Quinton: [mocking] Your mother? You still live with your mother? How old are ya?
Kiefer Sutherland: I'm hanging up now.
Shirley Douglas: [offscreen] Kiefer, who was that?
Kiefer Sutherland: [very angry] Dammit, Mom, I told you to knock before you come in!

"Corner Gas: An American in Saskatchewan (#2.12)" (2005)
Fitzy: We gotta fight fire with fire.
Davis: But that's how we lost train station!

Hank Yarbo: You can't leave me out here stranded! It's like 10 miles to town!
Davis: It's your house. You'll live.
Hank Yarbo: But all I've got to eat here is pickles and pop rocks.
Davis: You'll probably live.

"Corner Gas: Census Sensibility (#4.13)" (2007)
Mayor Fitzy: [to Davis and Karen] You call yourselves police officers, but you don't have a basic understanding of first aid?
Davis Quinton: [to Karen] I'm very disappointed in you.
Mayor Fitzy: What about you? Do you know first aid?
Davis Quinton: I thought she did.

Lacey Burrows: Hank, we're closed.
Hank Yarbo: I've just got something to say. Karen, don't come here, trying to win Davis back, he's two-timing you with Lacey.
Lacey Burrows: What?
Karen Pelly: [to Hank] Breadstick?
Hank Yarbo: No, thank you. Just move on, Karen, it's over!
Hank Yarbo: Actually, I will have a breadstick, thank you.
Lacey Burrows: Davis didn't leave Karen for me.
Emma Leroy: No, he left you for Karen.
Hank Yarbo: Gees, Davis, how many girlfriends have you got?
Davis Quinton: [extremely confused] I don't know.
[to Karen]
Davis Quinton: Told you it'd get weird.

"Corner Gas: Dog River Dave (#4.2)" (2006)
Davis Quinton: [returning from his meeting with the mayor regarding the police budget, to Karen] Oh, don't look at me like that. I fought. I fought hard.
[cut to Fitzy's office]
Davis Quinton: So, can we have more money?
Fitzy: No.
Davis Quinton: Yes sir, Mr. Mayor.

Karen Pelly: We're not allowed to work to rule. So, we can work, but not to rule. That's the rule, and just the way it works.
Davis Quinton: Yeah, what she said.

"Corner Gas: Dress for Success (#3.1)" (2005)
Karen Pelly: You still feeling queasy?
Davis Quinton: I'm not queasy. I'm fine.
Karen Pelly: Really? You look like you found a gob of raw pork in your pudding.
Davis Quinton: I know what you're trying to do and it's not going to work. Solid as a rock... Is it hot in here?
Karen Pelly: Hoo, I could go for a cigar right now. You?
Davis Quinton: Why are you doing this?
Karen Pelly: I've never seen this side of you before.
Davis Quinton: I've never seen this side of you before either.
Karen Pelly: We're getting to know each other. Let's celebrate with a glass of room-temperature cream.
Davis Quinton: Ooh!

"Corner Gas: Will and Brent (#3.4)" (2005)
Davis Quinton: [after he's broken the new breathalyzer] We just need to figure out a different test is all. What are things you can't do when you're drunk?
Karen Pelly: Say no to pizza? Stop yelling at you for breaking my breathalyzer?
Davis Quinton: No. Like play pick up sticks.
Karen Pelly: I can play pick up sticks when I'm drunk, everyone can.
Davis Quinton: Really? Hope I kept the receipt for the pick up sticks...

"Corner Gas: No Time Like the Presents (#5.15)" (2008)
Lacey Burrows: [after Wanda has introduced her, Davis and Karen to her cousin, Nora] That was weird.
Davis Quinton: Yeah. Who names their kid Nora?
Lacey Burrows: No! She introduced Davis as a friend, and you as a friend, and me just as Lacey.
Karen Pelly: That is weird. Davis and Wanda aren't friends.
Davis Quinton: We're not?
Lacey Burrows: I mean, why wouldn't she introduce me as her friend? You know?
Davis Quinton: Maybe you're not Wanda's friend. I just found out I'm not.

"Corner Gas: Rock Stars (#6.9)" (2009)
Davis Quinton: Hew, Wanda, I'm going into the city. Do you want anything?
Wanda Dollard: Oh. Well, sure, if it's no trouble. Could you swing by the Salon de Bon Santé and pick me up some organic hypoallergenic tea-tree emulsifying conditioner?
Davis Quinton: I have no idea what you just asked me to do, but sure.

"Corner Gas: Friend of a Friend (#3.14)" (2006)
Connie: [to police officer Davis] Well, aren't you a hefty fellow.
Davis Quinton: Huh?
Connie: I thought "CHiPs" was canceled, Ponch.
[Davis looks at his paunch]
Lacey Burrows: [entering, to Connie] Okay, let's go.
Connie: Anyway, nice to meet you.
Lacey Burrows: See you, guys!
[She leaves with Connie]
Davis Quinton: Was she just rude to me?
Karen Pelly: Aw, don't feel bad. Ponch was everybody's favourite.

"Corner Gas: Slow Pitch (#2.17)" (2005)
Davis Quinton: [shortly after Karen and Davis have been playing baseball, breaking someone's window in the process, Fitzy's Grandma has called the police to report some vandalism]
[Karen comes out of the house, holding a baseball]
Davis Quinton: Uh-oh.
Fitzy's Grandma: Some darn kids just broke my window! Hooligans. Kids today have no respect for other people's property.
Davis Quinton: I'm sure they were good kids, they were probably just afraid.
Karen Pelly: Yeah. And, er... embarrassed.
[she and Davis go to leave]
Fitzy's Grandma: Yeah, but what about my window?
Davis Quinton: You should pay your gambling debts, ma'am.

"Corner Gas: Bingo Night (#2.9)" (2004)
Davis Quinton: Now I've got double the workload.
Karen Pelly: Wow, two naps a day.

"Corner Gas: Merry Gasmas (#3.13)" (2005)
Karen Pelly: This charity thing at Christmas is great. I don't know why somebody didn't think of it before.
Davis Quinton: It does give you a good feeling, doesn't it?
Karen Pelly: But what I like is it's so convenient. Instead of running around buying everybody gifts, I just help out the poor family. I don't have to worry about sizes or colours. I just help out the poor family. It doesn't even have to be good, because for them, anything is good. They're a poor family.

"Corner Gas: Just Brent and His Shadow (#4.4)" (2006)
Hank Yarbo: What's a fondue?
Lacey Burrows: Melted sauce.
Hank Yarbo: Oh. I thought it was French for something.
Karen Pelly: It is. Melted sauce, i.e. fondue.
Davis Quinton: Ooh! I eat fondue!
Karen Pelly: Not "I eat", "i.e." It's Latin.
Hank Yarbo: I thought you said it was French.
Karen Pelly: Fondue is French.
Ted: Did someone say fondue?
Lacey Burrows: Just about everyone has.
Pam: I didn't say it.
Hank Yarbo: What?
Pam: Fondue.
Karen Pelly: Okay, that's everybody.

"Corner Gas: Hero Sandwich (#2.7)" (2004)
Davis Quinton: These charts are amazing.
Fitzy: As you can see, the study shows a big increase in traffic.
Davis Quinton: And they're so colourful!

"Corner Gas: Lost and Found (#2.5)" (2004)
Karen Pelly: Look at my footbag! I could do this forever!
Davis Quinton: I don't like that footbag. Lennie on 'Law & Order', he wouldn't hackey-sack.
Karen Pelly: ...All in the knee...
Davis Quinton: That other guy on 'Law & Order'... he might hackey-sack...

"Corner Gas: Hook, Line and Sinker (#1.11)" (2004)
Karen Pelly: I can't believe you're sending me in without back-up.
Davis: It's just a fishing trip Karen.
Karen Pelly: But it's with Hank, twelve hours, killing fish.
Davis: If it gets to you, you don't have to kill him, just throw him into the lake.
Karen Pelly: I wasn't worried about the fish.
Davis: I wasn't talking about the fish.

"Corner Gas: Hair Loss (#3.11)" (2005)
Karen Pelly: So how did Florence die, anyway?
Wanda Dollard: Oh, uh, she died of a rare disease called Almost 100.
Davis Quinton: Good old natural causes!
[Karen and Wanda glare at him]
Davis Quinton: Very sad.

"Corner Gas: Potato Bowl (#4.16)" (2007)
[Oscar and Davis start their own social club]
Karen Pelly: Can I join?
Oscar Leroy: Men only.
Karen Pelly: You let Davis in.
Oscar Leroy: Good point.
Davis Quinton: Hey!

"Corner Gas: Cable Excess (#5.1)" (2007)
Karen Pelly: What are you saying?
Davis Quinton: [about Brent] I'm just saying would it kill you to flirt with him?
Karen Pelly: Um... yeah.

"Corner Gas: Poor Brent (#2.6)" (2004)
Fitzy: And then he said he's not proud. He's lost his pride.
Hank Yarbo: Oh, poor Brent.
Davis Quinton: He's not poor!

"Corner Gas: Fun Run (#3.7)" (2005)
Davis Quinton: [Davis tries to wangle some handicapped license plates] I think I have a problem with my hip flexor. It would really help me if I could park close to stuff.
Doc Russell: In my 25 years as a doctor, that's the biggest crock I've ever heard.

"Corner Gas: I Love Lacey (#1.13)" (2004)
Davis: [after losing the Grey Cup tickets] Well, I'll have to go to a scalper.
Karen Pelly: Isn't it weird for you to go to a scalper?
Davis: Why? Because I'm a Cree man? I resent that!
Karen Pelly: Because you're a police officer and scalping tickets is illegal.
Davis: Oh yeah.

"Corner Gas: Contagious Fortune (#5.14)" (2008)
[Cops Karen and Davis swing their handcuffs around their fingers]
Davis Quinton: What are you doing?
Karen Pelly: What?
Davis Quinton: Karen, swinging handcuffs is my thing. It's what I'm known for.
Karen Pelly: Really? I thought you were known for copying my food orders.
Davis Quinton: Imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.
Karen Pelly: Yeah? Well, imitate this: "Meh, meh, meh! I'm Davis and I can't order my own food!"
Davis Quinton: That's not very flattering.
Karen Pelly: But it's sincere.

"Corner Gas: Wedding Card (#2.2)" (2004)
Emma Leroy: This is getting completely out of control. There's not going to be a wedding.
Davis: Why not?
Emma Leroy: Would you marry Oscar?

"Corner Gas: Reader Pride (#6.8)" (2009)
Wanda Dollard: How come she gets a CD and I don't? I like music.
Davis Quinton: You want me to make you a CD?
[he leans in]
Davis Quinton: Are you ready for it?
[he leans in further]
Davis Quinton: Are you ready for a Davis disc?
Wanda Dollard: I'm ready for you to back up a bit.

"Corner Gas: Buzz Driver (#5.7)" (2007)
Karen Pelly: The file cabinet is jammed again. You know the drawer glides shut nice and gentle, but you always close it like you're King Kong or Godzilla.
Davis Quinton: No, I don't. If I was King Kong, I'd just shake it and throw it out the window. Or if I was Godzilla, I'd just burn it or hit it with my tail.

"Corner Gas: Demolition (#4.5)" (2006)
Wanda Dollard: The camera loves Karen.
Karen Pelly: Thank you!
Davis Quinton: Well, what about me?
Wanda Dollard: The camera likes you as a friend.

"Corner Gas: TV Free Dog River (#6.13)" (2009)
Davis Quinton: [hosting a jazz radio program] Hello, jazz fans. This is Downtown Davis. I'm gonna make a phone call, but it's not a real phone call. It's what we like to call a crank call. Okay, here we go.
[he dials]
Brent Leroy: [answering] Corner Gas.
Davis Quinton: Hello.
Brent Leroy: Hey, Davis.
Davis Quinton: Oh, it's not Davis. This is John Coltrane, jazz saxophonist. Do you have any popsicles?
Brent Leroy: Isn't John Coltrane dead?
Davis Quinton: Yeah. That's why this is... Charlie Parker.
Brent Leroy: He's dead too.
Davis Quinton: Right. I mean... Ornette Coleman.
Brent Leroy: You want to think this through and call me back?

"Corner Gas: Cell Phone (#1.9)" (2004)
Davis: Do you think my new cell phone is small?
Karen Pelly: I don't know.
Davis: Brent's got a smaller one. I mean I wasn't looking at it on purpose, he had it out and I just glanced at it.
Karen Pelly: Right.
Davis: But mine is small right? I mean how small would you say is normal? You get an inaccurate idea because you see smaller ones in movies and magazines and stuff. But for a normal person's cell phone mine is small, smaller than average.
Karen Pelly: I don't think anyone really cares as long as it works.

"Corner Gas: Doc Small (#2.14)" (2005)
Emma Leroy: [to Lacey, referring to choosing someone to show the new doctor around Dog River] You're our first choice.
[cut scene to everyone else in town saying no]
Lacey: First choice?
Karen Pelly: You're not the bottom of the barrel in any way here, Lacey.
Davis: Top of the barrel, definitely...
Emma Leroy: Stop talking.

"Corner Gas: Oh Baby! (#1.4)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: Is it illegal for kids to smoke?
Davis Quinton: [shrugs] What am I, a lawyer?

"Corner Gas: Blog River (#4.8)" (2006)
Karen Pelly: Davis is telling me he doesn't like doing his taxes... if you can wrap your head around that.
Wanda Dollard: Are you nuts? Tax time is great!
Davis Quinton: Really?
Wanda Dollard: It's a challenge. It's you versus the Man, moving your money around, hiding your pennies. It's like a financial shell game. I look forward to it.
Karen Pelly: You make it sound like Christmas.
Wanda Dollard: Tax time kicks the crap out of Christmas.
Davis Quinton: Bah! Humbug!

"Corner Gas: Spin Cycle (#5.2)" (2007)
Davis Quinton: [at spin class] I thought this was suppose to start at noon. Where's the teacher?
Hank Yarbo: You're looking at him.
Davis Quinton: [gesturing to the guy he was looking at] That guy?
Hank Yarbo: No, I thought you'd be looking at me when I said that.
Karen Pelly: Oh, so you're the teacher?
Karen Pelly: Oh my god, you're the teacher?

"Corner Gas: The Taxman (#1.2)" (2004)
Lacey Burrows: Look, Davis, coffee is on the house from now on, okay?
Davis Quinton: I don't have to pay?
Lacey Burrows: No.
Davis Quinton: [pointing to Karen] And she's not paying?
Lacey Burrows: No. You keep her away from me.