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Quotes for
Oscar Leroy (Character)
from "Corner Gas" (2004)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Corner Gas: Census Sensibility (#4.13)" (2007)
Hank Yarbo: [to a pregnant woman] Evening, ma'am. Census. We'd just like to ask you a few questions...
Oscar Leroy: Head count! One...
[he points at her belly]
Oscar Leroy: ...and a half!

Hank Yarbo: [at Oscar and Emma's house] How many people in the house, ma'am?
Emma Leroy: 27 and a monkey. Oscar, don't waste my time.
Hank Yarbo: You think this is a joke? This is the census, lady! Look, don't make me mad! I'll fly off the handle! I'll lose it! I'll snap!
Oscar Leroy: Okay, calm down, pal... My partner is a loose cannon. I can't control him. Help yourself out while you still can. How many people here?
Emma Leroy: It's gonna be one if you don't get off my step.

Oscar Leroy: Census!
Gilbert: Census? But Fitzy already came by.
Oscar Leroy: Fitzy? I'm doing my own census!
[He yells into the house]
Oscar Leroy: How many people here?... I'm a loose cannon. I can't control me.

Mayor Fitzy: Normally, we hire Hank to do the census.
Hank Yarbo: [to Oscar] I've got experience.
Mayor Fitzy: On the other hand, normally Hank screws it up somehow.
Hank Yarbo: Granted.
Mayor Fitzy: On the other other hand, Oscar, you're... Oscar. So you can see my dilemma.
Oscar Leroy: But I need the money. Shrubs don't grow on trees.

Oscar Leroy: You don't know me, where I'm from, what my sass factor is.

Mayor Fitzy: You're both fired.
Oscar Leroy: You don't know how it goes down in the street! You sit here behind your desk...
Mayor Fitzy: I don't have a desk. It's a door on two filing cabinets.
Oscar Leroy: Oh. Well, you should have one, you're the mayor.
Hank Yarbo: If he goes, I go.
Mayor Fitzy: I want you to go. I'm firing you both.
Oscar Leroy: I can't do it without him.
Mayor Fitzy: You can't do it WITH him! You're both fired!
Hank Yarbo: So... when do we meet our new partners?


"Corner Gas: Ruby Newsday (#3.12)" (2005)
Emma Leroy: You're delivering papers? Wow, Oscar, I'm feeling something for you I've never felt before.
Oscar Leroy: Pride?
Emma Leroy: Pity.

[Oscar is delivering papers]
Emma Leroy: You're going to be out of the house all morning, every morning?
Oscar Leroy: Damn straight.
Emma Leroy: Chase your dreams, Oscar.

Emma Leroy: The phone's been ringing off the hook from people who didn't get their papers.
Oscar Leroy: Well, don't look at me, I don't know how they got our number!

Oscar Leroy: [to Brent] You're taking the food out of my mouth. I need to feed my family!
Wanda Dollard: He is your family.
Oscar Leroy: You're taking the food out of your own mouth!

Brent Leroy: Hey, Dad! Good news, I'm out of the newspaper business.
Oscar Leroy: How does that get me a red wagon?
Brent Leroy: One sentence into the conversation, and you lost me.


"Corner Gas: Cousin Carl (#1.8)" (2004)
Brent LeRoy: [about Oscar's home-brewed beer] Geez, Dad, did you mix this in a skidoo boot or a crow's nest?
Oscar Leroy: It's like a Belgian beer.
Cousin Carl: Not the Belgium I've been to.
Brent LeRoy: I suppose you've been to the good Belgium?

Mrs. Jensen: [about Oscar] With him, the customer was always number one. Oscar always treated people with great respect.
Oscar Leroy: [enters] Hey jackass, stop talking to this old wing-nut and pump my gas!
Brent LeRoy: Well, he's a people person.

Oscar Leroy: What are you getting plant food for?
Emma Leroy: Because my tomatoes are pathetic and wrinkly, and when things are pathetic and wrinkly, they need food. Eat your sandwich.

Wes: Hey Oscar, what can I do you for? Liquor or insurance?
Oscar Leroy: Neither, I'm droppin' off.
Wes: What's this?
Oscar Leroy: A birthday cake, what's it look like? It's a case of empties. A buck twenty.
Wes: Stubby Heidelbergs?
Oscar Leroy: Stubby who?
Wes: I can't take these back, Oscar, they don't even use them anymore.
Oscar Leroy: I bought them here, I'll return them here.
Wes: They don't use these any more, they're no good to me.
Oscar Leroy: Well maybe my business is no good to you, you ever think of that?
Wes: Maybe you could sell them on ebay?
Oscar Leroy: They're not going to take them at the Bay!


"Corner Gas: Happy Campers (#4.18)" (2007)
Davis Quinton: We don't have to make waffles the first night. The first night we can have beans. Then in the morning we can have waffles. I brought maple syrup, but I didn't bring blueberry syrup, because I thought: "Camping: we're roughing it."
Oscar Leroy: We're not going camping, jackass!
Davis Quinton: Huh?
Brent LeRoy: He said we're not going camping. Then he called you a jackass.

[Davis finds out that instead of camping, Oscar and Brent merely go to the city and split up for 3 days]
Davis Quinton: What do you do in the city?
Oscar Leroy: I go to the library and read magazines. I got my library buddies there.
Brent LeRoy: Those guys are hoboes.
Oscar Leroy: Hoboes ride trains! These guys are intellectuals: Rowdy and Patches and Shy Pete.
Brent LeRoy: The one guy's got a top hat with no top in it. That's not a hobo?
Oscar Leroy: Aw!
Davis Quinton: What about you? What do you do in the city?
Brent LeRoy: Uh...
[he imagines himself sitting at a table playing a role-playing game]
First RPG Guy: Ha! The Dark Elf has resisted your Vorpal Sword!
Brent LeRoy: [takes dice] Yeah? Well, I'll use the crystals of Zanothe to weaken his magic armor - huh? - show him who's vorpal!
[back in the real world:]
Brent LeRoy: I keep busy.

Oscar Leroy: Why is this fire always putting smoke in my eyes?
Brent LeRoy: Because it hates you.

Oscar Leroy: [returning from his "camping" trip with Brent and Davis] We're back!
Wanda Dollard: Did you bring me anything?
Oscar Leroy: No.
Wanda Dollard: I've lost interest.


"Corner Gas: Face Off (#1.12)" (2004)
[Oscar stops the Leroys' car, but it shakes and coughs]
Emma Leroy: Did you turn it off?
Oscar Leroy: Yes, I turned it off!
Emma Leroy: I think it's having a seizure.
Oscar Leroy: It's fine. The carb's just sucking on the fuel pump for a bit, that's all.
Emma Leroy: I feel like we should shoot it.
Oscar Leroy: I'll remember that the next time you start coughing.
Emma Leroy: If I ever make sounds like this, I'll welcome the bullet.

Davis: Uh... I came to use your skate sharpener.
Oscar Leroy: Getting ready for the season opener, eh? Geez, I can't wait.
Davis: I heard we almost lost Brent.
Oscar Leroy: What do you mean?
Davis: The Stonewood Saints asked him to play for their team.
Oscar Leroy: They what? Sons of... How would they like it if we went there and burnt down their rink?
Karen Pelly: That genuinely seems like an appropriate response to you?

[at the end of a hockey game, the crowd is cheering loudly]
Oscar Leroy: What happened?
Karen Pelly: The boys didn't lose.
Emma Leroy: No, seriously, what happened?

Emma Leroy: [Emma has threatened to strangle Oscar if the car won't start; Oscar has told her that if it does start, she has to shut up about it; the car does start] You're my hero. Now let's just go, we're going to be late.
Oscar Leroy: Oh, that's right, it's almost
[looks at his watch]
Oscar Leroy: shut up o'clock.


"Corner Gas: Jail House (#4.6)" (2006)
Oscar Leroy: Holy Hell!

Oscar Leroy: You sure you know what you're doing?
Wanda Dollard: Don't I look like I know what I'm doing?
Oscar Leroy: No, that's why I'm asking.
Emma Leroy: Is your tool belt on upside down?

Oscar Leroy: Hi, Karen. How's your idiotic fundraiser going?
Karen Pelly: Ah, you were right, Oscar.
Oscar Leroy: [chuckles] If I had a nickel for every time I heard that...
Karen Pelly: You'd have what, 5 cents?

Oscar Leroy: I mean, I can't take much more of not using the toilet! I'm about ready to burst!
Emma Leroy: And I have to wash my hair before bingo.
Wanda Dollard: Well, use the kitchen sink.
Oscar Leroy: Good idea.
Emma Leroy: She meant me. And I can't use the sink, you shut off all the water to the house!
Wanda Dollard: I did? Cool!


"Corner Gas: Comedy Night (#1.10)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: Comedy's not funny. There's nothing good on TV any more.
Brent LeRoy: You were laughing at the TV last night.
[flashback: Oscar, Brent, and Emma watch a nature program]
Announcer: ... and so the lion pounces on the unsuspecting dingo.
Oscar Leroy: Ha, ha, ha, ha! Didn't see that coming!

[before hosting Comedy Night, Hank hones his anti-heckler insult skills]
Brent LeRoy: Hey, Hank, you suck.
Hank Yarbo: Save your breath. You'll need it to blow up your date later.
Lacey Burrows: You're not funny.
Hank Yarbo: Ain't it sad when cousins marry?
Oscar Leroy: Hi, Hank.
Hank Yarbo: Shut up, old man.

Oscar Leroy: Did you hear? They're building that new call centre - in Wullerton!
[Everybody spits, including Lacey, who looks appalled at what she's just done]
Brent LeRoy: [to Lacey, evilly] You're one of us now.

Oscar Leroy: Sissy bookclub. I'm going for a smoke.
Emma Leroy: You don't smoke.
Oscar Leroy: I was just making an excuse to leave the house.
Emma Leroy: Never feel you need an excuse to leave the house.


"Corner Gas: Lacey Borrows (#4.15)" (2007)
Oscar Leroy: Horror movies are stupid. Name one good horror movie you've seen.
Brent LeRoy: I can't.
Oscar Leroy: See? They're all stupid.
Brent LeRoy: No. I just haven't seen one.
Emma Leroy: Oh, you haven't lived until you've seen power tools cut a teenager in half.
Brent LeRoy: I took shop class.

Emma Leroy: I like your sunglasses.
Lacey Burrows: Oh, thank you! They're Karen's, actually. I can borrow her stuff. She can borrow my stuff. I guess we have what you'd call a "don't ask" policy.
Oscar Leroy: Like the military?
Lacey Burrows: Not exactly.

[Oscar, Emma, Wanda, Karen, and Brent watch a slasher DVD]
Oscar Leroy: Who's that guy?... Why's he getting out of the truck?... Is that his cabin or her cabin?... What do you think a place like that'd go for?
Wanda Dollard: All good questions, Oscar. Why don't you close your eyes and think about them for a while?
Karen Pelly: [to characters in the movie] Ooh, don't go in there!
Wanda Dollard: I betcha a cat's gonna jump out.
Brent LeRoy: A cat? When?
Emma Leroy: We don't know when.
Brent LeRoy: Why do cats gotta jump out at people all the time?
Wanda Dollard: Here, kitty, kitty...
[a loud noise on the soundtrack; everyone cringes]
Wanda Dollard: ...or buzz saw.
Brent LeRoy: I'm just glad it wasn't a cat.


"Corner Gas: All My Ex's (#1.7)" (2004)
Brent LeRoy: Dad look, you're gonna be around for a long time.
Oscar Leroy: How can you be so sure?
Brent LeRoy: Because, I've angered the Karma Gods, and you're my punishment.

Emma Leroy: You're going to the doctor.
Oscar Leroy: Over my dead body!
Emma Leroy: That'd speed things up.

Oscar Leroy: A guy my age goes to the doctor and everyone's gonna assume he's going to get one of those little blue pills. Everyone in town will be talking about how I can't...
Brent LeRoy: Dad!
Emma Leroy: What's he talking about?
Brent LeRoy: Viagra.
Emma Leroy: Oh, for Pete's sake... well if you're going there anyway, you may as well ask.
Brent LeRoy: Ah, Mom!


"Corner Gas: Hurry Hard (#2.11)" (2005)
[Brent decides to split from Oscar's curling rink, or team, and form his own]
Brent Leroy: Mom, will you come with me?
Emma Leroy: I'm sorry, son. I'm sticking with Oscar. You dance with the one that brung you.
Oscar Leroy: Damn right.
Emma Leroy: No matter how disappointed you are in his dancing.
Oscar Leroy: Damn right.
Brent Leroy: Fine. Wanda, will you come with me?
Wanda Dollard: You rented "Jerry Maguire" last night, didn't you?
Brent Leroy: Yeah. Forgot to bring it back, too, but regardless, will you come with me?
Wanda Dollard: I don't know, Brent.
Brent Leroy: Bear in mind I sign your pay cheque.
Wanda Dollard: Fine. I'll join you on your team.
Brent Leroy: Yes! Thank you, Wanda. You won't regret this.
Wanda Dollard: Yeah, yeah. You complete me.

Oscar Leroy: [about Mertyl] Good gravy, that woman's forever getting new hips! As soon as a new model comes on the market, she's gotta have it.

Oscar Leroy: Do you know what the phrase 'ease up' means?
Emma Leroy: Do you know what the phrase 'shut up' means?


"Corner Gas: Rock On! (#2.15)" (2005)
[Oscar thinks a famous country singer stole a song idea from him]
Oscar Leroy: Listen, I pay your taxes! I want you to go to that concert and arrest Dewey Macleod!
Constable Karen Pelly: Sorry, Oscar. You waited too long to report any malfeasance.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Yeah. Plus it never happened.
Constable Karen Pelly: Plus copyright infringement is a civil matter.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Plus Saskatoon's out of our jurisdiction.
Oscar Leroy: Stupid pluses!

[Thunderface plays at the hotel bar]
Oscar Leroy: Not my cup of tea.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Not a fan of rock and roll, eh?
Oscar Leroy: It's just too derivative of the heavy glam rock of the '80s.
Emma Leroy: Totally!
Oscar Leroy: Play some B.T.O. or something!

Oscar Leroy: [talking about the song that he wrote that apparently a country singer has stolen off him] Mona the Monkey? Errol the Squirrel?
Lacey Burrows: Casper the Ghost, Dennis the Menace.
Constable Karen Pelly: Tony the Tiger.
Sergeant Davis Quinton: Winnie the Pooh.
Lacey Burrows: Soup of the day.
Oscar Leroy: You're all smart! Maybe Tony the Pooh doesn't know when he's being ripped off. You ever think about that?
Lacey Burrows: Maybe just half a cup for you today.


"Corner Gas: Pandora's Wine (#2.13)" (2005)
Brent Leroy: This seems like it's right up Dad's alley, but it doesn't sound like you, Mum.
Emma Leroy: Are you kidding? Our marriage is based on revenge.
Oscar Leroy: It's kept us together for 35 years.

Oscar Leroy: A pen in the hand is mightier than the bush.

Lacey Burrows: [after she's late for brunch] Well, I'm sorry, I didn't write the time down. People keep taking my pens.
Oscar Leroy: Hey! Finders' keepers, losey Suzie.
Brent Leroy: Yeah, that's how that goes.


"Corner Gas: Ruby Reborn (#1.1)" (2004)
Hank Yarbo: [referring to the changes to the coffee shop] I'm gonna fight this.
Emma Leroy: It's her place, she can do what she wants with it.
Hank Yarbo: Well, I got two words for you; boycott. I'm gonna put this place out of business.
Brent LeRoy: Hank, if you had the power to put companies out of business by just not being a customer, why am I still able to buy mouthwash?
Wanda Dollard: Yeah, and deodorant.
Emma Leroy: Clean underwear.
Brent LeRoy: Books.
Wanda Dollard: Pants that fit.
Emma Leroy: Nail clippers.
Brent LeRoy: Dandruff shampoo.
Wanda Dollard: Um... dental floss.
Emma Leroy: Toilet paper.
Oscar Leroy: Pick-up trucks.
Brent LeRoy: You don't know what we're doing, do you, Dad?
Oscar Leroy: Shut up!

[Brent adds video rentals to Corner Gas' services]
Oscar Leroy: This will just confuse people. They won't know whether this is a gas station or a drive-in theater. What, are you in show business now? The gas business not good enough for you? You've got to be Ed Sullivan? "We've got a great shoooo! We've got a really big shoooo!" What the hell are you thinking?
Brent LeRoy: I'm thinking your Ed Sullivan needs work.

[Oscar doesn't know how to set up his VCR, but rents "Jaws" anyway]
Brent LeRoy: So, uh, what was your favourite part of the movie?
Oscar Leroy: The shark parts.
Brent LeRoy: Which, uh, which shark parts?
Oscar Leroy: They were all pretty good. The shark in the water there, being all mean and what not.
Brent LeRoy: Hey, did you, did you like the part where the shark fought the dinosaur?
Oscar Leroy: Yeah, that was okay, I guess.
Brent LeRoy: How about the part where the shark grows legs and walks up on the beach and has a sword fight with the sheriff?
Oscar Leroy: That part was a little farfetched for my taste.
Lacey Burrows: Oh, my favourite part was when the shark went back to his home planet. It made me cry.
Oscar Leroy: Yeah. Choked me up too... I gotta go.
Lacey Burrows: He must have the director's cut.


"Corner Gas: Cat River Daze (#6.11)" (2009)
Oscar Leroy: [about a stray cat in Emma's garden] Why don't you catch it?
Emma Leroy: I'm allergic to cats.
Oscar Leroy: Still? All right, I'll take care of it. I'll need a rope, a burlap sack and some rocks.
Emma Leroy: Don't kill it!
Oscar Leroy: How'd you know I was going to kill it?
Emma Leroy: Lucky guess. Just catch it.
Oscar Leroy: So you want me to catch it but keep it alive?
Emma Leroy: Yes.
Oscar Leroy: A cat?
Emma Leroy: Yes!
Oscar Leroy: All right. I'll need some string, a box and cat poison.

[Oscar is secretly feeding the stray cat he caught]
Emma Leroy: What's this?
Oscar Leroy: It's a piece of paper. So what?
Emma Leroy: It's a receipt for cat food. Why are you buying cat food?
Oscar Leroy: Because I'm a senior! Isn't that what we're supposed to do?
Emma Leroy: You can do better than that!
Oscar Leroy: All right. The truth is Brent likes to eat cat food and he's not feeling well, so I thought I'd treat him... That makes sense, right?

Emma Leroy: The cat came back!
Oscar Leroy: I thought he was a goner?
Emma Leroy: No, the cat came back!
Karen Pelly: Ah, he just couldn't stay away.


"Corner Gas: Meat Wave (#6.4)" (2008)
Fitzy: [drawing the meat raffle] Okay, the winning number is...
Oscar Leroy: Everybody shut up!
Fitzy: 675!
Oscar Leroy: I said shut up!

Karen Pelly: It's just I've never won anything before!
Emma Leroy: Stop saying that.
Oscar Leroy: [to Karen and Davis] How dare you!
Emma Leroy: Stop saying that!

Oscar Leroy: These sausages are great!
Karen Pelly: How dare you.


"Corner Gas: World's Biggest Thing (#1.6)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: One day it dawns on you that you're starting to get old. Then it dawns on you that you are old. Then it dawns on you that every second that ticks by is just another inch that you've dragged your carcass towards your own cold grave. Then one day stuff stops dawning on you... 'cause you died.
Davis Quinton: You ever done any motivational speaking? You should look into it.

[Brent writes some names on a chalk board behind the Corner Gas counter]
Oscar Leroy: More bounced checks? Cheap sons of ... Who is it? Peter Parker? Who's that? Is he from town here? And who's this Gene Luck Pycard?
Brent LeRoy: I think that's Jean-Luc Picard.
Oscar Leroy: What a handle! ... Marge Simpson? That sounds familiar. She's bounced checks here before, I think! That's it! Don't take checks from Marge Simpson or that French guy!
[He walks out]
Lacey: This is fun for you?
Brent LeRoy: He's still trying to track down Arthur Fonzarelli.

Oscar Leroy: Say a woman is attracted to a guy, but the guy doesn't want her to be. What can he do to make himself less appealing?
Wanda Dollard: Sleep with her.


"Corner Gas: Cable Excess (#5.1)" (2007)
Oscar Leroy: Street Legal *sucked*!

Wanda Dollard: Don't tell Emma, but I've got a proposition for you.
Oscar Leroy: Hey! Emma and I sometimes fight, but I take my marriage vows seriously.
Wanda Dollard: Not that! Oh god, not that!

Lacey Burrows: Why don't you and I team up together and do a show? It could be fun.
Oscar Leroy: No.
Lacey Burrows: Oh come on, will you at least think about it? I could make it worth your while.
Oscar Leroy: Lacey, chemistry or no chemistry, I'm happily married!
Lacey Burrows: Oh, no, Oscar, that is not what I meant. And you know, just for the record, that's never going to be what I meant. Ever. Just to be clear - never. Ever.
Brent LeRoy: [entering] What's going on?
Oscar Leroy: Not sure. Getting mixed signals.


"Corner Gas: Demolition (#4.5)" (2006)
Brent LeRoy: [looking at Cecil's barn] Oh, how the mighty will fall! This kind of reminds me of David and Goliath.
Oscar Leroy: How does tearing down a barn remind you of two guys in a fist fight?
Brent LeRoy: [to Hank] And he used to teach Sunday school.

[Hank hitches his truck to the barn's support beam]
Hank Yarbo: [to Oscar] Okay, she's good! Give 'er a snoot!
Oscar Leroy: What does that mean?
Brent LeRoy: Could be anything. I think he means drive.

Hank Yarbo: How do you blow up a salad?
Oscar Leroy: Happens more than you think.


"Corner Gas: Blog River (#4.8)" (2006)
Emma Leroy: What the heck's a blog?
Brent Leroy: Well, it's an on...
Oscar Leroy: We just got Hank to shut up, don't you start!

Lacey Burrows: I thought I was pretty good at horseshoes.
Oscar Leroy: Well, just remember... you're not.

Oscar Leroy: The point is, I lost the game fair and square, so she has to stop moping, and the food gets better.
Lacey Burrows: Wait a minute. You threw the game, didn't you?
Oscar Leroy: No.
Brent Leroy: [to Emma] Wait a minute. You didn't read my blog, did you?
Emma Leroy: No.
Karen Pelly: [entering] The game was rigged?
Oscar Leroy, Emma Leroy: No.
Lacey Burrows: So can I clang or not?
Oscar Leroy, Brent Leroy, Emma Leroy, Karen Pelly: No!


"Corner Gas: The Taxman (#1.2)" (2004)
Marvin Drey the Taxman: I can appreciate that you don't wanna help me. I get that a lot, sometimes I get outright hostility. Just because of my job.
Brent LeRoy: Well, no offense but I mean I can't just turn over my father. There's a bond between father and son that's strong and sacred.
Oscar Leroy: Hey idiot! You left the lid on the dumpster up last night! Crows have scattered garbage all over the place out there. And I'll be damned if I'm gonna clean it, it'll be you out there on your hands and knees scrapin' up crow crap!
Brent LeRoy: I'll tell you whatever you need to know.

Oscar Leroy: Why'd you come in person? You ever hear of a telephone? It's a handy invention, I'll show you how it works sometime.
Marvin Drey the Taxman: We did call.
Oscar Leroy: You did not!
[flashback, Oscar is on the phone]
Oscar Leroy: What are you calling me on the phone for? My taxes paid for this call! You got something to say, you come here and say it in person. Get in the car, you ever hear of a car? It's a handy invention, I'll show you how it works sometime!
[hangs up]
Emma Leroy: Who was that?
Oscar Leroy: I don't know, some jackass!

Emma Leroy: What are you looking for?
Oscar Leroy: Nothing.
Emma Leroy: Nothing? You're just rummaging around in a box for no reason?
Oscar Leroy: Not for no reason, I'm looking for something.
Emma Leroy: Well, what are you looking for?
Oscar Leroy: Nothing!
Emma Leroy: If you're looking for your "Garfield" books, I threw them away.
Oscar Leroy: I'm not looking for my "Garfield" books. Why would you throw away my "Garfield" books?


Corner Gas: The Movie (2014)
Oscar Leroy: Are you questioning my abilities?
Brent Leroy: No dad - when it comes to your abilities none of us has any question.
Oscar Leroy: Sure laugh it up! You won't be so smart when the four Norsemen of the apocalypse come riding down Main Street.

[after seeing Brent and Lacey kiss affectionately]
Oscar Leroy: She likes you. Ask her out, ya Jackass!
Brent Leroy: I did ask her out. Two years ago.
Lacey Burrows: [everyone is stunned] I said yes, in case this isn't clear.

Mayor Fitzy: We can get water and power back, and solve all our financial problems,
[beat]
Mayor Fitzy: if we agree to be annexed by Wullerton!
[everyone spits]
Hank Yarbo: Annexed? ANNEXED?
[to Wanda]
Hank Yarbo: What does "annexed" mean?
Wanda Dollard: Oh, it's Latin for "Fitzy's an IDIOT!"
[everyone boos and jeers]
Oscar Leroy: NO ONE'S ANNEXING ANYONE, BUDDY BOY!


"Corner Gas: Happy Career Day to You (#6.17)" (2009)
Oscar Leroy: [about Brent & Hank] They think I'm going to get all sick and crazy, so I'm playing it up.
Emma Leroy: The sick part.

Oscar Leroy: [pretending to hallucinate] Brent, Brent. Don't leave me alone with the leprechaun. I think he and the monkey are planning something.

Oscar Leroy: [Brent enters the room carrying a vacuum cleaner] What's that for?
Brent Leroy: To pump your stomach.
[Oscar moans]
Brent Leroy: Let's just say it's the worst case scenario.
Hank Yarbo: Power drill's ready to go.
Brent Leroy: Okay, second worst case scenario.


"Corner Gas: Grad '68 (#1.5)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: Are you saying I'm that easy to distract?
Emma Leroy: Look Oscar, this spoon's dirty
[holds up a spoon]
Oscar Leroy: Really?
[Oscar starts to clean the spoon]

Oscar Leroy: Let me answer that question with another question: Shut up!


"Corner Gas: All That and a Bag of Chips (#6.5)" (2008)
Lacey Burrows: [following Karen out of the Ruby] Karen! You walked out without paying for your muffin.
Karen Pelly: Oh, sorry!
Fitzy: [from off-screen] Hey, it's the muffin stealing cop!
Karen Pelly: [whipping around] Who said that?
[cut to where Fitzy's standing next to a boy. They both point at each other]
Fitzy: I said it.
Oscar Leroy: [coming out of Corner Gas with Emma] What's going on?
Fitzy: Karen stole a muffin.
Oscar Leroy: Ooh!
Karen Pelly: I did not!
Lacey Burrows: It's no big deal. I stopped her before she got away.
Karen Pelly: Got away? I just forgot!
Oscar Leroy: Right. I just forgot to pay my taxes.
Emma Leroy: I paid them.
Oscar Leroy: What did you do that for?
Karen Pelly: Look, I'm paying for the muffin now. It's no big deal.
Lacey Burrows: It could happen to anybody.
Karen Pelly: Has it?
Lacey Burrows: No.

Oscar Leroy: [about Brent] He's always over here, mooching. Drinking our drinks, fooding our food.
Emma Leroy: Fooding?
Oscar Leroy: Eating our eats.


"Corner Gas: Rock Stars (#6.9)" (2009)
Oscar Leroy: Why do you suddenly want to learn guitar?
Brent Leroy: You are aware I was the lead guitarist in a band all through high school.
Oscar Leroy: And now you want to learn how to play the thing? You should have thought about that back then when it could have done some good.
Brent Leroy: Thanks. Oh, by the way, the Father of the Year committee called. It's between you and Fred MacMurray.

Oscar Leroy: [to the father of Brent's guitar teacher] Tell your kid to stop filling my kid's head with rock 'n' roll dreams!
Mr. Dillems: Who's your kid?
Oscar Leroy: Brent! The big one. Big head. This high, this wide. Wears jeans.
Mr. Dillems: Oh, the beginner? I always thought he was weird, but now that I see his old man, it all makes sense.
Oscar Leroy: What's that supposed to mean?
Mr. Dillems: It means you're a nutcase, and I don't want you or your weirdo son taking lessons from my kid.
Oscar Leroy: Well, I won't let my kid hang out with your kid, because your kid has a jackass for a father and comes from a long line of jackasses!
Mr. Dillems: You can't insult my whole family like that!
Oscar Leroy: Your whole jackass family!


"Corner Gas: Whataphobia (#2.4)" (2004)
Karen Pelly: Listen, Oscar, I would prefer it if you didn't tell anyone I was cooking for you.
Oscar Leroy: Done.
Karen Pelly: Don't you wanna know why?
Oscar Leroy: Does it seem like I wanna know why?
Karen Pelly: I read an article that said career women shouldn't exhibit traditional woman skills, like cooking. Because it can undermine our status and we could lose the respect of our male colleagues.
Oscar Leroy: [chuckles] Whatever you say, Toots.

Emma Leroy: You gotta stop with this revenge.
Oscar Leroy: This is not about revenge, this is about getting even!


"Corner Gas: R2 Bee Too (#6.15)" (2009)
Oscar Leroy: Get back! Bees! Bees!
Karen Pelly: Thieves?
Oscar Leroy: Bees!
Karen Pelly: Peas?
Oscar Leroy: Bees!
Karen Pelly: Cheese?
Oscar Leroy: Bees!
Karen Pelly: I know. I'm just messing with you. Don't worry. We'll get rid of those fleas.
Oscar Leroy: Bees!

Oscar Leroy: [Wanda hesitates before taking out a beehive] Come on, get stung already! Hit it with a pitchfork!
Wanda Dollard: I've got to find out what kind of bees these are. It's just a simple matter of cross-referencing the structure of the thorax with the pattern on the abdomen... if they'd stop squirming around for two seconds!


"Corner Gas: Friend of a Friend (#3.14)" (2006)
Lacey Burrows: Great news! My friend from college is coming to Dog River.
Brent LeRoy: Oh, I didn't know you went to college.
Lacey Burrows: Yeah. It's not a big deal. Everyone goes to college.
Brent LeRoy: I didn't.
Hank Yarbo: I didn't.
Oscar Leroy: I didn't.
Emma Leroy: I didn't.
Wanda Dollard: I did... but I don't go around bragging about it.
Lacey Burrows: [to Brent] I thought just you and I were talking.

Wanda Dollard: I am giving you a brand new Corner Gas customer discount card.
Oscar Leroy: But this is just a scrap of paper.
Wanda Dollard: A true reflection of how we value you as a customer.


"Corner Gas: Slow Pitch (#2.17)" (2005)
Brent LeRoy: Yeah, Wes is crazy, this coming from the man who once punched a skunk.
Oscar Leroy: He had it coming!

Player 1: [looking at Brent's team] Hey, they only have 9 players!
Brent LeRoy: Ah, crap. Hey, Wes, a bear! A big bear!
[Not surprisingly, Wes doesn't fall for it. Oscar glares at Brent]
Brent LeRoy: What?
Oscar Leroy: Jackass.


"Corner Gas: Bingo Night (#2.9)" (2004)
Emma Leroy: I can't rely on luck. I have to be proactive.
Oscar Leroy: That, or you could do something about it yourself.

Karen Pelly: We know what biscotti is, Lacey.
Oscar Leroy: It's just a little 1995, don't you think?
Lacey Burrows: Oh.
Brent Leroy: Is my dad hipper than you?


"Corner Gas: Just Brent and His Shadow (#4.4)" (2006)
[about some friends who divorced]
Emma Leroy: Well, Barb said it was the constant bickering that got to her.
Oscar Leroy: They never bickered! Tom always paid full price.
Brent LeRoy: That's dickering.
Oscar Leroy: I thought that was bickering.
Brent LeRoy: It's dickering.
Wanda Dollard: Now you're bickering about dickering.

Oscar Leroy: Emma's losing it. Fluffing pillows, giving me drinks.
Wanda Dollard: Heartless hag.
Oscar Leroy: This morning she wanted to go for a walk! Honest to God, a walk!
Wanda Dollard: With you? That is weird.
Oscar Leroy: What do you mean? Oh, I get it! You're saying someone wouldn't want to walk with me. That's funny!
Wanda Dollard: Well, thanks, but if you look deeper, you'll find it was insulting.
Oscar Leroy: Aw, no harm done.
Wanda Dollard: I'll try harder.


"Corner Gas: Smell of Freedom (#2.3)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: [Brent is reading a book about the history of Dog River in an attempt to learn more about the people around him] You're not going to learn anything from a stupid book.
Brent Leroy: Wise words, Dad, but I disagree. For example, did you know that Wes here's father died in Korea, saving his entire platoon?
Wes Humboldt: Daddy's dead?
Oscar Leroy: We told him he joined the circus, ya jackass.

Brent LeRoy: Can I help you, Wes?
Oscar Leroy: Hey, I was here before him!
Wanda Dollard: Age before more age.
Oscar Leroy: Oh sure, big spender! Go ahead! But just remember, money talks. But it don't sing and dance. And it don't walk!


"Corner Gas: Mosquito Time (#2.10)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: Why are all the gums sugar free?
Brent Leroy: You tell me, commies or hippies?

Davis Quinton: We want to buy some liquid dish soap.
Oscar Leroy: Licky disco?


"Corner Gas: Hook, Line and Sinker (#1.11)" (2004)
Emma Leroy: I remember. You want Alphagetti.
Oscar Leroy: If you remember, why did you bring home Dinogetti?
Emma Leroy: What difference does it make?
Oscar Leroy: You can't spell with dinosaurs!

Emma Leroy: Oscar, can you wait outside for a second?
Oscar Leroy: Why?
Emma Leroy: I have to buy some... female things.
[Oscar is outside almost instantly]


"Corner Gas: Mail Fraud (#3.6)" (2005)
Emma Leroy: Check your e-mail.
Oscar Leroy: Fine... What do you do?
Emma Leroy: Here.
[she presses a key on the computer; he reads the e-mail message she sent him]
Oscar Leroy: Oh, yeah... What do you mean, you're going out?
[He writes a return message; she reads it]
Emma Leroy: Make your own lunch.
[she writes; he reads]
Oscar Leroy: I know what a sandwich is!
[he writes; she reads]
Emma Leroy: It's in the tin box that says "BREAD" on it.
[she writes; he reads]
Oscar Leroy: Watch your language, Emma! You're going to get us kicked off the Internet!

Oscar Leroy: Did you get my funny e-mail?
Wanda Dollard: No.
Oscar Leroy: I sent you a bunch of them.
Wanda Dollard: I know... but none of them are funny.
Oscar Leroy: They're LOL!
Wanda Dollard: Lame out loud? And could you stop sending them to me? The attachments are clogging up my inbox.
Oscar Leroy: That's probably because you hooked your hard drive into the protocol and then used the bytes to spam it off the Internet.
Wanda Dollard: How are we ever going to know when you actually do lose your mind?


"Corner Gas: Security Cam (#2.8)" (2004)
Emma Leroy: Could you help me... stranger?
Oscar Leroy: What seems to be the problem, you... gorgeous customer?
Emma Leroy: [sexily] I need someone to... check under my hood.
Oscar Leroy: Well, you're talkin' to the right guy. Come on over here.

Oscar Leroy: I'm sorry. I tried to find something nice. I didn't know that place would be so lousy.
Emma Leroy: It's the thought that counts.
Oscar Leroy: Really?
Emma Leroy: Not really, no.


"Corner Gas: Poor Brent (#2.6)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: [about a sugar bowl] 35 years we've been married, and I'm always putting the lid on it.
Emma Leroy: I wish you would put a lid on it.

Emma Leroy: God. What is this?
Oscar Leroy: I'm naked.
Emma Leroy: Well, I didn't think you were holding a wrinkly purse.


"Corner Gas: An American in Saskatchewan (#2.12)" (2005)
Oscar Leroy: I'm a senior!

Oscar Leroy: I really liked the ATM, until Emma came. What good has she ever brought me?
Lacey Burrows: What about Brent?
Oscar Leroy: I guess.
Brent Leroy: Love you too, Dad. Give us a hug.
[hugs Oscar]
Oscar Leroy: Don't you touch me!


"Corner Gas: Buzz Driver (#5.7)" (2007)
[Oscar parks the school bus he is driving]
Oscar Leroy: All right, let's have it!
Main Student: Have what?
Oscar Leroy: The booze!
Second Student: What's booze?
Main Student: The stuff they warned us about in church group.
Oscar Leroy: Oh, don't give me the old church mouse and bookworm routine! I've seen them all before.
Main Student: Honest, Mr. Leroy, we don't have any liquor or anything bad.
Oscar Leroy: [grabbing a book] Fine. Then I'll just take this.
Main Student: That's my homework.
Oscar Leroy: Then do it at home! No reading on the bus!
Second Student: God loves you.
Oscar Leroy: Damn right he does!

Oscar Leroy: [reading a book] This title is misleading. Are they going to kill a mockingbird or not?


"Corner Gas: Cell Phone (#1.9)" (2004)
[Emma catches Oscar searching through her purse]
Emma Leroy: You're trying to get coins for that claw machine down at the hotel bar.
Oscar Leroy: I'm hot! There's a fuzzy lobster over there that's got my name on it!
Emma Leroy: You're hooked, Oscar.
Oscar Leroy: You're nuts!
Emma Leroy: Oh, you're hooked.
Oscar Leroy: I know what you're doing. You're saying I'm hooked so I'll quit just to show you I'm not hooked. Well, it won't work. I'm not hooked and I won't quit! Now fork over the coin so I can get my lobster!

Oscar Leroy: Let me answer your question with a question: shut up!


"Corner Gas: Doc Small (#2.14)" (2005)
Oscar Leroy: [about Hank, who's staying with the Leroy's for a while] I'm not sure I like this. Some weirdo living in my house, taking up space.
Emma Leroy: Welcome to my world.

Oscar Leroy: [to Hank] You've been very helpful.
Emma Leroy: Having you around means that Oscar and I will be able to spend a lot more time together.
[pause, then her and Oscar exchange glances]
Emma Leroy: [cut to Corner Gas] Hank can't stay with us any more.


"Corner Gas: Coming Distractions (#5.16)" (2008)
Oscar Leroy: I need you to protect my sidewalk. Wanda's been casing the joint so she can write her name.
Davis Quinton: Oh! That's Wanda that's been writing her name!
Oscar Leroy: Who else would be writing "Wanda"?
Davis Quinton: I thought it was an acronym for something.
Oscar Leroy: For what?
Davis Quinton: Oh, I don't know. Western Association of Non-Developed Agencies. World Agencies for Non-Developed Associations. Wizards Against Naked Dancing in Alberta. William And Nadine's Dental Appliances. And those are just off the top of my head.


"Corner Gas: Picture Perfect (#3.9)" (2005)
[Oscar has stolen a garden gnome from next door]
Oscar Leroy: Your mother thinks this gnome looks like me.
Brent LeRoy: I don't think so.
Oscar Leroy: [to Emma] See?
Brent LeRoy: I think you look like that gnome.
Oscar Leroy: Stop being smart!
Brent LeRoy: [to the gnome] Oh, cool trick, Dad. I didn't even see your lips move.


"Corner Gas: Bend It Like Brent (#6.2)" (2008)
[Oscar and Emma mock Wanda for videotaping herself in a fake newscast]
Emma Leroy: [at Corner Gas] Beautiful day, isn't it?
Wanda Dollard: [packing Emma's groceries] Yeah.
Emma Leroy: Partly cloudy, slight chance of showers.
Wanda Dollard: Thanks for the report. Is this everything?
Emma Leroy: Uh, no. Here's Oscar with the spaghetti sauce. Over to you, Oscar.
Oscar Leroy: Thanks, Emma. Coming up later, we'll be making spaghetti.


"Corner Gas: The J-Word (#5.12)" (2008)
Brent Leroy: [referring to Oscar's overuse of the J-word] Everybody's a jackass.
Oscar Leroy: I know. That's why I use the word so often.


"Corner Gas: Gopher It (#4.19)" (2007)
Oscar Leroy: It's Lacey's idea. She says we should build a casino.
Brent LeRoy: Really? That doesn't sound like something Lacey would say. In fact, just the other day...
[in flashback]
Brent LeRoy: Hey, Lacey, you want to play some pinochle for matchsticks?
Lacey Burrows: Uh, how many matchsticks? Is it legal? Maybe we shouldn't. It could lead to pennies and then who knows what. No, this is a bad idea.
[in present day]
Brent LeRoy: She's not exactly Doyle Brunson.


"Corner Gas: The Accidental Cleanist (#5.17)" (2008)
Oscar Leroy: Trees are like magnets for booze.
Brent LeRoy: Do you even care about making sense any more?


"Corner Gas: Bean There (#3.18)" (2006)
Oscar Leroy: Why can't I have a ride in your truck? Clint Eastwood had a monkey in his truck.
Tiny Joe: Real truckers don't have monkeys, friend, not in the cab. They could be transporting monkeys, but, well, even that's a little farfetched.
Oscar Leroy: Just one ride. I'll be quiet. Quieter than a monkey!
Tiny Joe: Only truckers and clients allowed in the cab.
Oscar Leroy: So are you saying Clint Eastwood worked for a monkey?


"Corner Gas: Hero Sandwich (#2.7)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: This is government mind control, that's what it is. Telling you what to do. Stop here, walk, don't walk, do this, don't do that, eat your peas.
Brent Leroy: Eat your peas?


"Corner Gas: Lost and Found (#2.5)" (2004)
Karen Pelly: I'm looking for my footbag.
Oscar Leroy: It's called a sock, Einstein!


"Corner Gas: Potato Bowl (#4.16)" (2007)
[Oscar and Davis start their own social club]
Karen Pelly: Can I join?
Oscar Leroy: Men only.
Karen Pelly: You let Davis in.
Oscar Leroy: Good point.
Davis Quinton: Hey!


"Corner Gas: Self-Serving (#6.3)" (2008)
Oscar Leroy: [at the gas pumps, looking at the sign advertising self-service] What the hell is this?
Brent Leroy: It's a self-service option I'm offering.
Oscar Leroy: You're a jackass.
Brent Leroy: What's wrong with self-service?
Oscar Leroy: I don't have to talk to you, and I pay less?
[chuckles]
Oscar Leroy: It's perfect.
Brent Leroy: So then why am I a jackass?
Oscar Leroy: I don't know. You get it from your mother. Now stop talking to me, I'm doing self-service, jackass!


"Corner Gas: Dark Circles (#5.4)" (2007)
Oscar Leroy: Maybe you could make one of those egg pies.
Davis Quinton: Quiche?
Oscar Leroy: With the tomato dip.
Davis Quinton: Salsa?
Oscar Leroy: Oh, speak English!


"Corner Gas: Safety First (#3.10)" (2005)
Lacey Burrows: [to Oscar and Davis, who are on the Leroys' roof again] Hey, are you guys okay?
Davis Quinton: [to Oscar] I don't know. Are we?
Oscar Leroy: [to Lacey] We're fine. Just taking a break.
Lacey Burrows: Because it looks like your ladder's knocked down.
Oscar Leroy: We're not stuck up here, if that's what you mean.
Davis Quinton: That's just our backup ladder.
Lacey Burrows: Really? Because I could just pick it up.
Davis Quinton: Leave it down, please.
Lacey Burrows: Okay, as long as you're fine.
Oscar Leroy: Couldn't be better.
Lacey Burrows: Or weirder.


"Corner Gas: Block Party (#3.15)" (2006)
Oscar Leroy: [to Wanda about a party for her birthday] Don't hold your breath.
Brent LeRoy: Yeah, that's Karen's thing.


"Corner Gas: Get the F Off My Lawn (#6.18)" (2009)
Lacey Burrows: That was a strong windstorm last night, huh?
Oscar Leroy: I've seen worse. Wind storm of '85, remember that? Moved the whole town five feet to the left.
Emma Leroy: Every day a little bit crazier.


"Corner Gas: Pilates Twist (#1.3)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: I've got a way with tools.
Emma Leroy: So do I. I married one.


"Corner Gas: Fun Run (#3.7)" (2005)
Hank Yarbo: Everyone, I am stopping traffic for Oscar not because he's old and fragile, but because I stop traffic for everyone. It is my duty as a crossing guard, and that is why I'm patronizing him.
Oscar Leroy: [to Hank] Just treat me normal!


"Corner Gas: Contagious Fortune (#5.14)" (2008)
Oscar Leroy: [at the Ruby Café] I need three more of these Dog River Dollars.
Lacey Burrows: Well, I can't just give them to you. You have to buy something first.
Oscar Leroy: I'm trying to buy a stupid chip stick.
Lacey Burrows: Oh, you mean a chip clip! Those things are great! And you know what? You don't have to use them for just chips. Broken Ziploc bag? Chip clip it! Cookie bag? Chip clip it! Open bread?
Oscar Leroy: I get it. Just give me the Dog River Dollars so I can buy whatever the hell you're talking about.


"Corner Gas: Wedding Card (#2.2)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: Listen, if we are going to do this wedding, I'd be proud if you'd be my best man.
Brent LeRoy: Aw, geez, Dad, I'd love to.
Oscar Leroy: Thank you, son.
Brent LeRoy: But I can't, I'm giving Mom away.
Oscar Leroy: You're useless!


"Corner Gas: Oh Baby! (#1.4)" (2004)
Oscar Leroy: Is it illegal for kids to smoke?
Davis Quinton: [shrugs] What am I, a lawyer?


"Corner Gas: Knit Wit of the Month (#5.10)" (2008)
Oscar Leroy: I can't find the Senior's Beat column. Where's that stupid woman's column?
Emma Leroy: Her obituary is on the front page.
Oscar Leroy: Oh, she's writing those now? Good for her!


"Corner Gas: Outside Joke (#4.9)" (2006)
Oscar Leroy: Stupid bank! Are they still calling me Omar?
Emma Leroy: Yes, but you'll be glad to know the bank made a mistake and owes money to Omar and his wife, Elna.
Oscar Leroy: Who's Elna?
Emma Leroy: Some idiot who shouldn't have married Omar.