Alan Harper
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Quotes for
Alan Harper (Character)
from "Two and a Half Men" (2003)

The content of this page was created by users. It has not been screened or verified by IMDb staff.
"Two and a Half Men: A Live Woman of Proven Fertility (#4.5)" (2006)
Alan Harper: A bribable child is a controllable child.

Charlie Harper: Hey. After the kid goes back to his mother's, do you wanna go out and grab some dinner?
Alan Harper: I can't go out to dinner, Charlie.
Charlie Harper: Why not? You got a date - he said, knowing the answer, but asked him anyway just to be polite.
Alan Harper: No, I don't have a date - he replied, all the while thinking: "Bite me, you booze-addled buffoon".

Alan Harper: I don't have money for luxuries like eating out, or eating in, really. I'm trying to learn to chew my own cud.
Charlie Harper: It's all right. I'll treat.
Alan Harper: No, no, no. You've done too much for me already.
Charlie Harper: Yeah, but it's not like I'm keeping a tab - $26,382... to date.

Charlie Harper: [Trying to seduce Alan like he would a lady, so Alan would agree to have dinner] So where do you wanna go, baby?
Alan Harper: That's, er, that's very funny.
Charlie Harper: No, no, no. Let's get something hot in you and then get something "hot" in you.
Alan Harper: Knock it off!
Charlie Harper: Gee, you smell good!
Alan Harper: You know what? OK, OK, I'll just stay here and have a popsicle.
Charlie Harper: Oh, you'll be getting the popsicle!
Alan Harper: Fine, fine! You pick the restaurant.

Alan Harper: Judith, if you're gonna chew my ass off, just know I'm planning on having it for breakfast tomorrow.

[Alan finds out Judith is getting married, meaning he won't have to pay any alimony]
Charlie Harper: Five, six, seven, eight...
Alan Harper: [sings] No more alimony! No more alimony! No more alimony!

Alan Harper: Do you know the problem with sushi?
Charlie Harper: Besides eating it with you?
Alan Harper: It's all fleshy and flappy and wet. Feels unnatural against my tongue.
Charlie Harper: Hey, Al?
Alan Harper: What?
Charlie Harper: I think I know why your marriages didn't work out.

Alan Harper: [after learning Jake has run away from his mother's] Is this about the upcoming nuptials?
Jake Harper: It's nothing to do with puberty, dad. It's about mom getting married.

Alan Harper: I thought you liked Dr Melnick.
Jake Harper: That was when they were just dating. Now he thinks he can tell me what to do. He's not my father.
Alan Harper: You dont do what I tell you to do!
Jake Harper: Yeah, but mom doesn't care about that.

Jake Harper: [about Judith] She can be happy all she wants. I just don't need some jerk pretending he's my dad.
Alan Harper: Oh, why not?
Jake Harper: 'Cause I already have a dad.
Charlie Harper: ...and he's already a jerk.

Alan Harper: [to Jake] All right, buddy. I'm gonna have to tell you something pretty heavy. But I think it's something you're old enough to understand.
[pause]
Alan Harper: You can do better than me.
Charlie Harper: Way better!

Charlie Harper: [about Jake] He's not too bright, so you can lie to him all you want.
Alan Harper: Charlie?
Charlie Harper: Oh, come on! Until he was ten, I had him convinced that swizzle sticks were money!

Alan Harper: Have you guys considered eloping to Vegas?
Dr. Herb Melnick: No, we havent...
Alan Harper: Now, I know what you're thinking - tacky, tacky. But actually, it isn't. It's classy and very romantic.
Charlie Harper: Yeah, some of the hotels have those big mirrored walls. It's like watching your ass bob up and down in IMAX.

Dr. Herb Melnick: The things is I'm - I'm just not sure I'm ready to be a stepfather.
Alan Harper: Oh, oh, sure you are. You'll be terrific. Right, Charlie?
Charlie Harper: Trust us. As long as there's food in the fridge and money in your wallet, you'll own the little peckerhead.

Alan Harper: Parenthood is like skydiving. You just gotta jump out of the old plane.
Charlie Harper: And get sucked into the old propeller!
Alan Harper: A propeller of love!

Alan Harper: [to Dr Melnick] Jake's used to being an only child.
Charlie Harper: If there was a new one, he'd probably eat it by mistake.

Alan Harper: I would like to propose a toast. To Jake.
Dr. Herb Melnick: [Drunk] Ah, Jake's great!
Alan Harper: And to Judith.
Dr. Herb Melnick: [Drunk] Absolutely! Judith's great, too!
Alan Harper: And to your upcoming marriage.
Dr. Herb Melnick: [pause] Ah, sure. What the hell?

Alan Harper: [talking on Herb's phone to Judith] What, I'm uh-uh-uh-I'm sorry, I can't hear you. Yeah, uh-uh-uh-I think this phone is *Unning Ut of Atteries*. I ed his hone is unning ut of atteries. *Oodbye Udith!*
[to Charlie]
Alan Harper: Think she bought it?
Charlie Harper: If she did she's oopider than ooh.


"Two and a Half Men: Walnuts and Demerol (#4.11)" (2006)
Judith: Make this stop!
Alan Harper: I'm sorry, I don't know what you mean.
Judith: Don't screw with me! Tell your ex-wife to stop flirting with my fiancee!
Alan Harper: That's funny. The way I see it, your peanut butter is all over my chocolate.
Judith: Damn it, Alan! I can make your life a living hell!
Alan Harper: How would I know the difference?

Evelyn: Do you trust me?
Alan Harper, Berta, Charlie Harper, Rose: No!
Evelyn: Okay, but you know I have your best interest at heart. Don't you?
Alan Harper, Berta, Charlie Harper, Rose: NO!

Dorothy: Alan?
Alan Harper: Uh, yes.
Dorothy: I haven't seen you in thirty-five years.
Alan Harper: No kidding. Uh, I'm sorry, I... I... I don't remember you.
Dorothy: Oh, well I'm not surprised. At the time you were busy learning to use the big boy potty.
Alan Harper: Ah, well... I did it!

Charlie Harper: You're leaving, too, right?
Alan Harper: Yes, relax. I plan on spending Christmas Eve at a movie theater all by myself, just so you can have sex tonight.
Charlie Harper: You could have sex, too. Just pick the right movie theater.
[the doorbell rings]
Charlie Harper: Jake, time to go!
Charlie Harper: [to Alan] Take some paper towels and don't wear your suede shoes.
Alan Harper: [sarcastic] Ho, ho, ho!
Charlie Harper: That's another option.

Alan Harper: [gives Jake his gift] You can open it tomorrow with your mother...
[Jake starts to rip it open]
Alan Harper: ...or you can rip it open now with your teeth like a rabid jackal.

Dorothy: Listen, Alan, I'm looking for my daughter.
Alan Harper: Drunk blonde?
Dorothy: Well, she isn't always blonde...

Dorothy: You've turned into a very attractive young man.
Alan Harper: Thank you!
Dorothy: Could've gone either way. Lucky you grew into those ears.

Herb: Honey, we've got a long drive ahead of us. We're spending the holidays in San Diego with my parents.
Judith: That's why I need eggnog.
Herb: Hey, I spent Thanksgiving with YOUR parents.
Alan Harper: Oh, really? Your mom's out of rehab?
Judith: Yes, my mom's out of rehab.
Herb: Actually, she kind of jumped the fence.
Alan Harper: Well, the woman's going to be your mother-in-law, you might as well get used to it. Remember the time she rode out of Betty Ford on a lawn mower?
[Judith glares at Alan]
Alan Harper: On the plus side, she bakes Toll House cookies with walnuts and Demerol.

Alan Harper: Judith, you want your man, you fight for him!
Judith: [points at Kandi] How can I compete with THAT?
Alan Harper: There's no competition! Herb loves you, you're in a mature sophisticated relationship based on mutual respect! All Kandi has is...
[watches Herb stare at Kandi]
Alan Harper: There'll be other men.

[Alan opens Jake's room]
Judith, Herb: [offscreen] WHOA, WHOA, WHOA!
Alan Harper: Judith, what the hell are you doing?
Judith: You told me to fight for my man, I'm fighting for my man!
Herb: Alan, would you please close the door?
[Alan complies]
Alan Harper: Twelve years of marriage, she never fought for me from that angle...

[last lines]
Alan Harper: [in bed with Dorothy] Okay, just so we're clear: you're only doing this to piss off my mom?
Dorothy: Is that a problem?
Alan Harper: Nah, it makes it better.

Alan Harper: Kandi? What are you doing here?
Kandi: I didn't want to be alone on Christmas Eve and I didn't know where else to go.
Alan Harper: Where's your new boyfriend?
Kandi: He decided to spend Christmas with his family.
Alan Harper: Why didn't he bring you along?
Kandi: He thought it might make his wife uncomfortable.


"Two and a Half Men: Thank You for the Intercourse (#9.8)" (2011)
Alan Harper: I didn't do the dog people-style.

Alan Harper: Man, I couldn't score a women like that even if my semen cured cancer.

Alan Harper: Let me just get Charlie's personal stuff out of here. Oh, here is some of his unfinished music. Um... panties. Panties... Panties... Waterpipe... Oh, vibrator.
Walden Schmidt: So we're talking songs, thongs, bongs and chauns.
Alan Harper: If he had an autobiography, that would be the title.

Walden Schmidt: [about the bartender] She's nice.
Alan Harper: To you, sure. You're living in the world of nice.
Walden Schmidt: That's because I'm nice to people and they're nice back to me.
Alan Harper: No, it's because you're tall, rich and good looking.
Walden Schmidt: And nice!

Melanie: Is this your house?
Alan Harper: Not exactly.
Melanie: What do you mean?
Alan Harper: I mean, after we fall in love and get married, it'll be our house.
Melanie: Wow, you don't waste time, do you?
Alan Harper: No. When I see what I want, I get right to the BS.
Melanie: I'm Melanie. Melanie Hofland.
Alan Harper: Oh. Nice to meet you, Melanie. I'm...
[pauses]
Alan Harper: Charlie. Charlie Harper.

Berta: [about Melanie and her dog] Which one did you tap?
Alan Harper: I'll give you a hint. I didn't do the dog peoplestyle.

Walden Schmidt: Hey, you remember that shrink you sent me to? Maybe you should go see her.
Alan Harper: What for? I'm fine.
Walden Schmidt: What's your name?
Alan Harper: Charlie Harper.
Walden Schmidt: You're not fine.

Alan Harper: Winning!

Jake Harper: Uncle Charlie never treated me like a stupid kid.
Alan: That's nice.
Jake Harper: He treated me more like a stupid person.

Alan: I'll give you a hint, I didn't do the dog people style.


"Two and a Half Men: Young People Have Phlegm Too (#4.16)" (2007)
Alan: [Charlie's in the ER with chest pains] Damn it, what kind of hospital is this? Where the hell are the doctors? That's my brother in there! If he dies, I'm homeless!

Alan Harper: [Charlie is passed out sitting at the kitchen table] Oh God. Look what the cat dragged in.
Berta: He didn't just drag it; he ate it, pooped it out, and then covered it with sand.

Alan Harper: My point is, there comes a time in a man's life where he has to start excepting his limitations.
Charlie Harper: Yeah? Well my point is, the day you start accepting limitations, is the day you start dying. And I'm not dying, my friend, I am living life to the fullest. Now if you'll excuse me, I'm gonna go throw up, and take a nap.

Alan Harper: [standing in a nightclub line with Charlie, feeling uncomfortable and out of place; he starts sniffing the air] Somebody lit a doobie. Oh yeah, oh yeah, that is definitely the ganja. Oh great! Now we're all going to get busted... Oh perfect! I just stepped on a condom.

Alan Harper: [Charlie and Alan are arguing about the double date they just came from] What do you want from me? I-I-I went out to the club. I went to the after-hours club. I went out to breakfast. I held my date's hair while she vomited pancakes in the parking lot.
Charlie Harper: Well if you weren't whining about wanting to go home, you'd be having sex with her right now!
Alan Harper: Oh darn! What man doesn't dream of kissing second-hand pancakes?

Alan Harper: Oh, let's face it. We're both too old for the M-Tv life-style.
Charlie Harper: M-Tv? Did they just defrost you?

Alan: [yelling for a doctor to look at Charlie, after he finds out that Charlie's Will is going to leave Alan horribly in debt] Do you gotta flatline to get a little help around here? Do you gotta move to Canada to get some decent medical care?

Alan: [the ER doctor asks Charlie what he has eaten recently; Alan responds for him] He had Belgium waffles, link sausages, two Red Bulls, a quart of scotch, and the tongue of a twenty-four year old actress.

Charlie Harper: [standing in line to get into a club] Alan, Alan, you're embarrassing me.
Alan: I'm embarrassing you? Look at yourself! You're standing in line, in a dank alley, in the middle of the urine district!
Charlie Harper: Hey hey-hey-hey, this is the hippest club in town.
Alan: Oh, hip smip. It's a toilet with a doorman.


"Two and a Half Men: Large Birds, Spiders and Mom (#5.1)" (2007)
Charlie Harper: Hey, Berta, how have you been washing my underwear?
Berta: Like I do everything else around here: with a song on my lips, and love in my heart.
Charlie Harper: I'm serious. I got a rash in my, you know, private area.
Berta: Private? You get any more traffic down there, you're gonna have to open a Starbucks.
Charlie Harper: Yeah, well, I thought maybe you'd changed laundry soap, 'cause it's all red and itchy, especially right around...
Alan Harper: Excuse me! I'm sitting here eating a breakfast sausage.
Charlie Harper: It's not a sausage problem. It's more in the meatball area. Kinda meatball-adjacent.

Alan Harper: I've got you a little present. Your very own cell phone.
Jake Harper: Oh, cool!
Alan Harper: Now, the important thing to remember is that this is not a toy. It's to use in emergencies only.
Jake Harper: Emergencies? What emergencies?
Charlie Harper: [Pretending to use a cell phone] Dad, come get me! I'm stuffed in my locker and my underwear is wet!
Alan Harper: That only happened once.
Charlie Harper: If that drug-sniffing dog hadn't found you, you'd have missed Thanksgiving.

Alan Harper: Now, about race riots...
Charlie Harper: Try not to take sides.
Alan Harper: If anybody asks, you're mulatto.

Alan Harper: [taking a photo of Jake before he gets on the bus] Smile.
Jake Harper: About what?
Alan Harper: I need a current photo in case you go missing.
Charlie Harper: Alan, don't be ridiculous. They never find those kids.

Charlie Harper: When the Good Lord was handing out courage, you were hiding in your locker peeing in your gym socks.
Alan Harper: I had three Mr. Pibbs at lunch.

Alan Harper: You sure it's just a rash?
Charlie Harper: What else could it be?
Alan Harper: Well, since we're talking about your private area, it can be anything from ebola to mad cow disease.

Alan Harper: Things will go great for you. You just have to remember a few things.
Jake Harper: Like what?
Alan Harper: Well, always keep your money in your shoe, but have some spare change in your pocket.
Jake Harper: How come?
Alan Harper: Decoy money. They won't stop hitting you 'til they get something.
Jake Harper: Who are they?
Alan Harper: The big kids, holding you by your ankles and plunging your head in the toilet.
Jake Harper: [Worried look on face] Plunging my head in the toilet?
Charlie Harper: D-don't, don't, don't, don't freak the kid out, Alan. It's not so much plunging as... dipping.

Alan Harper: Remember, Jake, courage is not the absence of fear, it's taking action despite fear.


"Two and a Half Men: Winky-Dink Time (#5.14)" (2008)
Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Listen. How much is a hooker?

Alan Harper: [about hookers] What can I get in the two hundred dollar range?
Charlie Harper: Crabs... And car-jacked.

Alan Harper: [hot woman with cute daughter Jake's age, talks to Charlie like they are old friends] She seems nice. Ah, who is she?
Charlie Harper: I have no frigging idea.
Jake Harper: I'll tell you who she is... the grandmother of my children.

Charlie Harper: [about a hooker Charlie arranged for Alan] She's willing to throw you one for $500.
Alan Harper: Whoa! Ah, okay, uhm... Can I put it on a credit card?
Charlie Harper: A credit card. Where are you planning to swipe it, Alan?
Alan Harper: Alright, alright. I was just hoping to get the miles.

Alexis: Shall we, uhm, take care of business before we get started?
Alan Harper: [giddy] Oh, oh, absolutely. Uh... uh, no... "no money - no honey"... no, "no lootie - no bootie"... "no cash advance, I'm not in your pants"! That was four hundred, right?
Alexis: Five.
Alan Harper: [embarrassed] Oh, of course, five. Why did I think it was four?

Alan Harper: So! Are either of you going to tell me how it went tonight?
Charlie Harper: Ask your bubble-headed son.
Jake Harper: Ask your butt-headed brother.

Alan Harper: So, did you make the call?
Charlie Harper: Everybody wants me to pimp for them. I might as well get a purple hat, high boots and a full-length fur coat.
Alan Harper: If anyone can pull it off, it's you. So, did you make the call?

Charlie Harper: Her name's Alexis.
Alan Harper: Alexis. That's a pretty name.
Charlie Harper: They all have pretty names, Alan. You'll never find a hooker named Maude.


"Two and a Half Men: Nice to Meet You, Walden Schmidt (#9.1)" (2011)
Alan Harper: Well. Here we are, buddy. Just like old times, huh? I'm talking, and you're in the bottle, ignoring me.

Alan Harper: Now, the question is: what do we do with you? I know what you said you wanted, but I really don't think Pamela Anderson would agree to swallow your ashes.

Alan Harper: Are you okay?
Walden Schmidt: Yeah, I'm fine. I was just trying to drown myself.

Walden Schmidt: Do you have a wetsuit?
Alan Harper: It can't be that bad.
Walden Schmidt: It could be. You don't know!

Alan Harper: Why don't you and I go out and have a drink and talk?
Walden Schmidt: About what?
Alan Harper: I don't know. The weather? Politics? Why somebody would wanna kill themselves when they have a billion freaking dollars?

Alan Harper: Nobody likes the tastes of alcohol. We like the effects of alcohol! It makes you feel tall, good looking and smart.
Walden Schmidt: I am tall, good looking and smart.

Walden Schmidt: Guess what? I had sex with two girls last night.
Alan Harper: Great! Um, I masturbated and cried myself to sleep.
Walden Schmidt: I like my night better.


"Two and a Half Men: Your Dismissive Attitude Toward Boobs (#3.4)" (2005)
Alan Harper: Incredible! I've been living here for two years and you still consider me a house-guest?
Charlie Harper: No, my house guests bring a bottle of wine and have sex with me.
Alan Harper: Oh sorry, I'll pop a bottle of Chardonnay and assume the position
Charlie Harper: Don't write cheques your ass can't cash Alan

Alan Harper: She needed a place to stay for a couple of days. What would you have said?
Charlie Harper: I would have sat her down and explained my sincere belief that there are boundaries between employer and employee, which exist specifically to protect said employer from accidentally seeing the employee prancing around in her big cotton granny panties!

Alan Harper: Are you equating me with termites?
Charlie Harper: Hell no! You can get rid of termites!

Alan Harper: You know what the pecking order is in this house? Charlie - Women Charlie sleeps with - Charlie's bookie - Woman Charlie hopes to sleep with - termites - *me*!

Alan Harper: [going apartment-hunting] Do you mind looking after Jake?
Charlie Harper: If it'll help get you out of here, I'll breast feed him!

Alan Harper: I'd rather be a second-class citizen here in paradise, than king of a urine-soaked, fire-trap next to Burbank Airport!

Alan Harper: [about his apartment-hunting finds] Oh Charlie, you have no idea how bad it was! I mean, I - I couldn't bring a woman to one of these places! The only way I'd ever have sex was if I were molested by a rat!


"Two and a Half Men: Principal Gallagher's Lesbian Lover (#3.2)" (2005)
Alan Harper: The office opens at 8:00.
Charlie Harper: [shocked] O'clock?
Alan Harper: [sarcastically] No, degrees.

Mr. Malinkovich: Doc, how many more adjustments do you think I'm gonna need?
Alan Harper: Well, Mr Malinkovich, uhm, let's see. My son won't graduate college 'til 2015, so... a lot.

Alan Harper: [mad at Charlie for not answering his phone when Alan was calling with a problem] I just have to accept the fact that I - I can't count on anyone. Least of all an emotionally immature narcissist who thinks that the sun rises out of his navel and sets in his scrotum, and only *cares* about what lies between the two.

Charlie Harper: ["babysitting" Alan's office for a few hours] Don't worry about a thing. It's under control. You can count on me.
Alan Harper: Oh, if I could believe even one of those things.

Alan Harper: There is no one more sympathetic that I, to the plight of the large-breasted woman!

Mrs. Schmidt: What the hell is wrong with you?
Alan Harper: I don't know...
[pause]
Alan Harper: I was a bottle baby.


"Two and a Half Men: Aunt Myra Doesn't Pee a Lot (#4.20)" (2007)
Alan Harper: [Jake is annoyed because he had to sleep in his father's bed, and his father kept getting out of bed to pee] Okay, one of those was to get a glass of water.
Jake Harper: Well there's your problem! Stop topping off the tank!

Alan Harper: [to Charlie] You just could not control yourself. "A female's in the house, she must me mounted!"

Alan Harper: [Charlie wonders why Alan is upset] I will tell you why. Because every time you rut with any woman even remotely connected to my life, I end up suffering!

Alan Harper: And now that Judith's finally getting remarried, and I can see the light at the end of the alimony tunnel, you decide, "Hey, why don't I start humping her new sister-in-law"!
Charlie Harper: That is not how it happened!
Alan Harper: I don't care how it happened! I only care how it's going to end, and it's going to end badly for *me*!
Charlie Harper: How? Explain how.
Charlie Harper: [near hysterics] I don't know yet! That's always part of the fun... trying to guess how your *penis*, is going to bite *me*, in the *ass*!

Alan Harper: [scrubbing Jake's tuxedo pants] What is this, candle wax? How do you get candle wax on the seat of your pants?
Jake Harper: I don't know!
Alan Harper: You don't know?
Jake Harper: Okay, I might've lit a couple farts.

Alan Harper: I'm Alan Harper, and I am not having sex!


"Two and a Half Men: If They Do Go Either Way, They're Usually Fake (#1.7)" (2003)
Alan: Charlie, when I moved in here, I said that is was vital that we create a wholesome atmosphere for Jake, and you said, "I understand".
Charlie: Alan, there's something you should know about me. When I say "I understand", it doesn't mean I agree. It doesn't mean I understand. It doesn't even mean I'm listening to you.

Alan: Charlie, there is a half-naked woman in our kitchen.
Charlie: Which half?

Alan: Hey! Where've you been?
Charlie: I just had lunch with my mother, and my stalker... They spent the afternoon eating off each other's plates and discussing my fear of intimacy.

Alan: Can we talk about this picture that Jake drew?
Charlie: What's to talk about? He's a boy. He saw a woman's ass. He liked it! Thank your lucky stars it wasn't the cable guy's ass, and move on!

Alan: [sarcastically] Are you happy?
Charlie: Yeah, I have my moments, but they're becoming further apart.

Charlie: Jeeze Alan, I don't sleep with every buff surfer-chick that uses my shower. What kind of guy do you think I am?
Alan: I think you're the luckiest bastard to walk the face of the earth, but, that's not my point. I - I - I don't want women flashing their butt tattoos at my son.


"Two and a Half Men: The Price of Healthy Gums Is Eternal Vigilance (#2.6)" (2004)
Charlie Harper: [Charlie's locks himself in the bathroom] There is no Bad Alan. I'm the one who stole the Silly-Putty and put it in your pocket when you weren't looking. 3, 4, 5, 6, 7...
Alan Harper: [starts pounding on the door, shouting] *Damn you to hell! Come out here and die like a man!*
Charlie Harper: What do ya know? There is a Bad Alan.

Evelyn Harper: [Alan is furious with Charlie] How are my boys doing this evening?
Evelyn Harper: [no response] Burrrr... Well, I think Mommy has the answer. Alan, if you find it intolerable, living under the same roof with the brother who betrayed you, then you and Jake can come and live with me.
Alan Harper: [thinks it over, turns to Charlie, shaking his hand] We're good.

Alan Harper: [tucking Jake in bed and talking, Jake passes gas] The lesson was... Oh... God... Jake! That's *awful*!
Jake Harper: Yeah, I wish I could've saved that one for school.

Alan Harper: [Charlie's fixing an Alka Seltzer] You too?
Charlie Harper: Yeah. Apparently, Mom wasn't the only parasite at dinner tonight.

Alan Harper: You cracked the parental code on the cable box again, didn't you?
Jake Harper: It's 1-2-3-4. A monkey could crack that.

[last lines]
Charlie Harper: Well, remember how you were a bed-wetter 'til you were eight?
Alan Harper: Yeah.
Charlie Harper: You actually stopped at six.
Alan Harper: What? What-what did you do? Did you sneak into my room, and-and-and-and pour warm water on me while I was asleep?
Charlie Harper: Yeah, okay. Let's say it was water, and let's say I poured it.
[Alan's jaw drops]
Charlie Harper: Well, I feel better. How 'bout you?


"Two and a Half Men: I Always Wanted a Shaved Monkey (#2.20)" (2005)
Charlie: You know, it wouldn't kill you to talk to Mom once in a while.
Alan: We don't know that.

Charlie: You smile and tell everybody what they want to hear, but I *know* what goes on inside your grinning little puppet-head!
Alan: You don't have a *clue* what's going on inside my little puppet-head, because to *know* that, you would have to be capable of perceiving the world that exists beyond the tip of your *penis*!

Charlie: Alan, you're like an Alzheimer's victim in a whore-house.
Alan: Excuse me?
Charlie: You're constantly surprised when you've been screwed... and you don't want to pay for it!

Alan: [to Sherri] I tend to bring out the mothering instinct in women... Ironically, not my mother.

Alan: Would you mind toasting my buns, please?
Charlie: [tips his beer bottle] To your buns!

Charlie: Hey, if I want your opinion, I'll ask your ex-wife.
Alan: Oh yeah, Oh yeah. Well, if I want YOUR opinion, I'll ask one of the dozens of women you have meaningless casual sex with.


"Two and a Half Men: Sarah Like Puny Alan (#1.13)" (2004)
Alan Harper: [Alan has a bad case of the flu, Charlie wants to tell him some 'great news'] There is no great news, there is no light at the end of the tunnel, there is no silver lining; there's just this hell on earth, and the slow wait for the sweet release of death.

Alan Harper: [Charlie wants Alan to go on a double date] Alright, even if I weren't deathly ill, which I am, I wouldn't go on a blind double-date with *you*.
Charlie Harper: Why not?
Alan Harper: Summer of my junior year? The Seals & Croft concert? You got the incredible cheerleader, and I got her sister... the Incredible Hulk!
Charlie Harper: Oh yeah, she really took a shine to you.
Alan Harper: [imitating his date] "Sara like puny Alan".

Charlie Harper: Alan, trust me. I've seen the sister, her name is Desiree.
Alan Harper: I don't care what her name is!
Charlie Harper: Desiree, Alan. That's like "Desire" with a "Yea!" at the end.

Charlie Harper: Yeah, we're done. Now we're gonna get your father back on his feet.
Jake Harper: How?
Charlie Harper: Well... would you like to go see a bunch of naked boobs?
Jake Harper: [excited] Sure!
Alan Harper: [shocked] Charlie!
Jake Harper: [looking around at a sauna full of fat, sweaty men] This was a dirty trick, Uncle Charlie.

Alan: [looks at a picture of the pretty actress that will be his date] That her?
Alan: [blows his nose] I'm cured!


"Two and a Half Men: Woo-Hoo, a Hernia-Exam! (#2.17)" (2005)
Charlie Harper: [Charlie's in great pain after throwing his back out, and initially asks Alan to help him] New plan. I need someone who can give me drugs.
Berta: I'm not holding, but I can make a couple calls.
Alan Harper: Drugs just mask the problem.
Charlie Harper: Fine! Mask it, throw a cape on it, let it fight crime... I just want it to go away!

Alan Harper: [Charlie is injured and is only thinking about nailing his hot doctor] You're unbelievable! Does you penis have an off switch... pause button?
Charlie Harper: No. Just a little freckle.

Charlie Harper: You know the difference between you and me?
Alan Harper: Yeah. I have a functioning liver, and somehow you're gonna get laid tonight.

Charlie Harper: [in pain on the operating table] Oh, god. Oh, jeez!
Alan Harper: Hey, guess what? The Soviet Union is boycotting the Olympics.
Charlie Harper: My pain is just a big joke to you, isn't it?
Alan Harper: I offered to help you and you refused, so... yeah.

Dr. Michelle Talmadge: Mr. Harper, I'm Dr. Talmadge.
Charlie Harper: [sits up on operating table] Hellooooo, doctor!
Alan Harper: Hallelujah, it's a miracle.


"Two and a Half Men: Putting Swim Fins on a Cat (#5.5)" (2007)
Alan Harper: Are you aware that you haven't had a paying job in nine months?
Charlie Harper: Are you aware that urine cures athlete's foot?

Jake Harper: Did you get mom a present when you got divorced?
Alan Harper: A present?
Jake Harper: Yeah, you know, a memento of your time together.
Alan Harper: Jake, buddy, you're the memento of our time together.

[Alan goes to Evelyn's to ask her for money]
Evelyn Harper: [Comes to the front door dressed as a schoolgirl] What can I do for you, Alan?
Alan Harper: [pause] Nothing. Never mind.

[Alan looks into signing up for drug trials]
Clinician: In such cases, common side effects include dry mouth, hair loss, blurred vision, inflamed gums...
Alan Harper: [Nervous] OK.
Clinician: ...mild nausea, heart palpitations, liver damage...
Alan Harper: [More nervous] Wow!
Clinician: ...boils, shingles, sudden fainting and temporary darkening of the stools.
Alan Harper: [Shocked] Dear God! How much do you pay people to do this?
Clinician: $1,000 a week.
Alan Harper: I'm in!

Charlie Harper: Relax. Something will turn up.
Alan Harper: [Ill after suffering the side effects from the drug trial] I'm pretty sure something's already turned up. I think I just dropped a third testicle.


"Two and a Half Men: Is There a Mrs. Waffles? (#5.8)" (2007)
Charlie Harper: Hey, guess what?
Alan Harper: There's no God?
Charlie Harper: On the contrary. There is a God, and he love me long time.

Charlie Harper: Who knew there were book stores for kids?
Alan Harper: Everyone but you.

Charlie Harper: [on phone] Well, I'm not going to do it. What are you going to do, sue me? Really? Can he sue me?
Alan Harper: Did you sign a contract.
Charlie Harper: [back on phone] What time do I go on?

Charlie Harper: Oh, Raffi, you magnificent son of a bitch. How does he do it? What does he have that I don't?
Alan Harper: Well, judging from first impressions, a genuine love of children and bladder control.
Charlie Harper: That was a cheap shot.
Alan Harper: I take them when I can.

Charlie: The poster is meant to smell like Maple Syrup- like me.
Alan: What they couldn't make it smell like Bourbon?


"Two and a Half Men: Enjoy Those Garlic Balls (#2.2)" (2004)
Dr. Melnick: [Alan is returning the "The Harpers" welcome mat that he stole the night before] So you came over unannounced, to apologize for coming over unannounced?
Alan: I was afraid you'd pick up on that.

Charlie Harper: So where's Jake?
Alan: Sleeping at a friend's. He'll get dropped off tomorrow.
Charlie Harper: Oh, man! I rented a movie I thought he'd like.
Alan: Oh, what'd you get?
Charlie Harper: Don't worry. It's educational.
Alan: [gives Alan the DVD] "One Million Years B.C."? How - how is this educational?
Charlie Harper: Raquel Welch running from dinosaurs in a fur bikini? What is that, if not history?

Alan: So, you ever been married?
Dr. Melnick: My wife passed away.
Alan: Oh, oh, I'm - I'm sorry.
Alan: [pause] No alimony, though. You gotta love that!

Charlie Harper: Hey. Did you know that Mom's birthday was a couple of weeks ago?
Alan: Yeah. I sent her some flowers and a card.
Charlie Harper: Ah, man! Would it have killed you to put my name on the card?
Alan: As a matter of fact I did put your name on it. I - I wrote "Love, your sons, Alan and Charlie".
Charlie Harper: Damn.
Alan: What?
Charlie Harper: She tricked me into thinking I forgot.

Alan: Show me the better!


"Two and a Half Men: Hey, I Can Pee Outside in the Dark (#1.20)" (2004)
Alan Harper: [Jake has been acting out; Judith wants him to go to therapy] He - He's just a normal 11-year-old kid who happens to be a little grumpy.
Judith Harper: And I'm a normal 35-year-old mother who happens to be running out of patience, and by patience, I mean Prozac.

Judith Harper: He's been sullen and uncooperative for days. I think he needs to see someone.
Alan Harper: What - what you mean like a, like a shrink?
Judith Harper: No, Alan, I mean like a blacksmith. This is clearly a reaction to our divorce. He's not processing his emotions in a healthy way, and I think therapy could help unblock him.
Alan Harper: Where do you get that?
Judith Harper: From my therapist.
Alan Harper: [sarcastically] Who's working wonders with you.
Judith Harper: Excuse me!
Alan Harper: [sincerely] Who's working wonders with you!

Berta: [about Jake] Did you check to see if he's constipated?
Alan Harper: Berta, his mother and I are going through a divorce, and there's a lot of emotions he hasn't processed.
Berta: Maybe so, but there's also a lot of string cheese he hasn't processed.

Dr. Linda Freeman: Do you like puppets?
Alan: Not really.
Dr. Linda Freeman: [taking out the cow-puppet and changing her voice] Neither do I!

Alan Harper: Any luck?
Charlie Harper: The little snothead kicked me out of his room.
Alan Harper: Welcome to the club.
Charlie Harper: Yeah, but I'm the cool uncle.
Alan Harper: Oh, and I'm the uncool dad?
Charlie Harper: Don't get defensive. You did the best you could.
Alan Harper: Hey, hey, that kid has nothing to complain about. He's never been spanked, he's never even been yelled at, and even while my marriage was collapsing he always came first.
Charlie Harper: Well, I'm glad you're not defensive.
Alan Harper: He has a great life. He gets everything he wants. I deny him nothing. Oh, my God, what have I done to my son?
Charlie Harper: Alan, I was kidding. You're a terrific father.


"Two and a Half Men: Just Like Buffalo (#1.23)" (2004)
Alan Harper: [to Charlie] I'm going to go get Jake, but I'll leave the front door unlocked in case Satan shows up to collect your soul.

Charlie Harper: She still busting your chops about what Jake said? Look, blame it on me; tell her I'm sorry.
Alan Harper: She won't buy it.
Charlie Harper: Sure she will. Women are suckers for a good apology. Just keep shoveling it on, 'til roses start growing in it.
Alan Harper: Poor Satan. He'll come for your soul and he'll leave empty handed.

Alan Harper: [about Charlie] See Jake, that's the big head talking.
Jake Harper: But he only has one head.
Charlie Harper: You want to tell him or should we let him spin for a while.

Charlie Harper: There's no pancakes, Rose.
Alan Harper: Because Jake's not here.
Berta: Cause Charlie's an idiot.
Rose: Oh, why? I mean why is Jake not here? Not why is Charlie an idiot.
Alan Harper: Because we *know* that.

Charlie Harper: Man, Jake's gonna love this video game, listen to this. 16 levels of ultra-realistic murder and mayhem. 24 flesh-ripping weapons. *Plus,* fortuitous nudity.
Alan Harper: Let me see that. "Scooter's Magic Tree Fort"?
Charlie Harper: Scooter's *Zombie*.


"Two and a Half Men: I Merely Slept with a Commie (#4.17)" (2007)
Alan Harper: You'll go to Mom's funeral, won't you?
Charlie Harper: Of course! As the eldest son, it's my obligation to pound in the stake.
Alan Harper: Typical! Nothing for Alan to do.
Charlie Harper: [pretending to be irritated] Okaaay. You can cut off her head, and hold it up for the villagers.
Alan Harper: Thank you!

Alan Harper: [Charlie is trying to leave to avoid taking his Mother out to dinner] ... there's an option to running away from her.
Charlie Harper: Yeah, but we'd get caught, and you'd sell me out for a reduced sentence.

Alan Harper: Maybe if she realized how people see her, she might make an effort to change.
Charlie Harper: If she realized how people see her, she'd just... get new people.
Charlie Harper: [two weeks later at their Mother's house, after they had hurt her feelings; they walk in and discover two men and a boy doting on her] Son-of-a-bitch!... She got new people!

Peggy: [while shopping for their Mother's birthday gift; sales clerk asks] Have you considered a nice perfume? Do you know her scent?
Alan Harper: Oh. Actually I don't.
Charlie Harper: I do.
Alan Harper: You do?
Charlie Harper: Yep. Do you carry Chanel #666?

Alan Harper: [upstairs, as Charlie opens the door to find Evelyn dressed in black, holding a scythe] Who's at the door?
Charlie Harper: It's Death!
Alan Harper: Hi, Mom!


"Two and a Half Men: And the Plot Moistens (#3.21)" (2006)
Judith Harper: [Jake's teacher want to know if Jake has any hobbies outside of school] Well, I don't know about his father, but I've tried to share some of my interest with him.
Alan Harper: Unfortunately, he's a little young to drink in the dark, and bitch about men.

Alan Harper: It's not *that* kind of relationship. It's-it's-it's intellectual.
Charlie Harper: So! Take her to a museum, enjoy the exhibits, then *do* her in the restroom!

Alan Harper: I guess I just always thought that, that one woman was supposed to fulfill all my needs.
Charlie Harper: Oh, that's an old wives tale, started to protect the interest of, you guessed it, *old wives*!

Judith Harper: [spots Kandi across the room] Is that a diamond necklace? You never gave *me* a diamond necklace.
Alan Harper: Yeah, well, you never gave *me* extra special, bonus sex.

Alan Harper: Jake, I want you to tell your uncle what you wanted to sing.
Jake Harper: It's called "Whoop that stanky hoe!"


"Two and a Half Men: Paint It, Pierce It or Plug It (#10.15)" (2013)
Alan Harper: I'm nervous about meeting Jake's girlfriend. I mean, he's obsessed with this woman. It's like he's been brainwashed by some cult.
Walden Schmidt: [at first not really listening carefully] What guy hasn't... I'm sorry, you said 'cult'. Ahhh.

Alan Harper: [talking with Tammy, Jake's 36-year-old girlfriend] I don't understand why you're with Jake.
Tammy: I'm with him because I care about him. I mean, he's sweet and kind and funny... and I don't know when the last time you had sex with a 19-year-old boy was, but it is a *lot* of fun. And then, eight minutes later, it's a *lot* of fun again.
Alan Harper: Umm, I'll - I'll - I'll take your word for it.

Alan Harper: Jake, this gnocchi is amazing.
Jake Harper: Yeah. I like to make it 'cause it sounds like 'nookie'. Get it?
Alan Harper: I do.
Jake Harper: Not as much as I do!
[he high-fives his girlfriend, Tammy]

Jake Harper: I've been, uh, thinkin' about names for when Tammy and I have our first kid... If it's a boy, what do you think about Walden Harper?
Alan Harper: I like it.
Walden Schmidt: No!
Jake Harper: Fine. Then I guess it's down to either Alan, or Xiang Xiao.
Alan Harper: Xiang Xiao?
Jake Harper: Yeah. I've gotta be ready, Dad. They say one out of every three babies born is Chinese.


"Two and a Half Men: Pilot (#1.1)" (2003)
Alan Harper: Now, what I think you need to do is to make a list. On one side, put what you don't like about our marriage, and on the other side, what you do.
Judith Harper: Alan, sometimes when I think about coming home to you, I start crying in my car.
Alan Harper: Okay, that would probably go on the "don't" side.

Alan: [leaving a message on Charlie's aswering machine] Hey Charlie, my wife just kicked me out and I'm losing the will to live, are you there?

Alan: Charlie, the key under the fake rock only works if it's with other rocks, not sitting on your doormat!

Alan: She just throw me out after ten years!
Charlie: How did you get in my house?


"Two and a Half Men: The Two Finger Rule (#6.19)" (2009)
Alan Harper: [to Chelsea, who is leaving] Don't go!
Charlie Harper: [to Melissa over the phone] Don't hang up!
Alan Harper, Charlie Harper: I love you!
[Both look at each other]
Berta: And I love you too.

Charlie Harper: Sure you don't want a drink?
Alan Harper: Drinking alcohol just makes me depressed.
Charlie Harper: See, the trick is to drink past that. It's not a sprint, it's a marathon.

Dr. Herb Melnick: I could get used to this.
Charlie Harper: Don't get too comfortable.
Alan Harper: As far as Charlie's concerned, mi casa es mi casa.

Charlie Harper: What are you guys talking about?
Dr. Herb Melnick: Masturbating at the YMCA.
Charlie Harper: Really ? Just talk, right ?
Alan Harper: Yeah, but the night is young.


"Two and a Half Men: Alan Harper, Frontier Chiropractor (#1.11)" (2003)
Alan: Well you know what, it doesn't matter if I look cool, we judge a person by what's inside, not by what they wear.
Jake: Lucky for you, huh.

Alan: This is not who I am.
Charlie: Yeah, but who you are, couldn't get laid under water, with a tank full of oxygen.

Alan: Help me Charlie, I wanna sing for no reason.

[Alan is in Charlie's bar in a suit jacket looking suave]
Leanne: So, Charlie. Who's your friend?
Charlie: My brother, Alan.
Leanne: Hi Alan. I'm Leanne. It's nice to meet you.
Alan: I've actually met you a bunch of times.
Leanne: Oh no. I'd remember you.
Alan: I've come in here with Charlie all the time. I always order a rum and diet coke.
Leanne: Oh ! Right. So, Alan, the usual ?
Alan: Uh, no. Today, let's try something different. Charlie, what are you having ?
Charlie: Tequila shooters with a beer back.
Alan: Great! I will have a rum and diet coke.
Leanne: You got it, hon.


"Two and a Half Men: My Son's Enormous Head (#6.18)" (2009)
Alan Harper: Where did you meet a nine-year-old?
Jake Harper: She's in my math class.
Alan Harper: Is she one of those advanced students?
Jake Harper: Sadly, no. But she does help me with my homework.

Jake Harper: Maybe she has an STD. That means sexually transmitted disease.
Charlie Harper: I know what it means!
Alan Harper: Your uncle helped invent them.

Charlie Harper: You know, I just realized something.
Alan Harper: That cough syrup and hard liquor don't mix?
Charlie Harper: No, they're delightful.

Charlie Harper: [Alan is about to watch The Bridges of Madison County on tv] Hey! What are you doing up?
Alan Harper: Watching a Clint Eastwood movie...
Charlie Harper: [Minutes later] This isn't a Clint Eastwood movie.
Alan Harper: Yes, it is.
Charlie Harper: Even Clint Eastwood doesn't think this is a Clint Eastwood movie.


"Two and a Half Men: Frodo's Headshots (#9.9)" (2011)
Walden Schmidt: I'm sorry you had to find out this way.
Alan Harper: Oh, really? Really? How would you have liked me to hear it? Twitter? Facebook? A singing telegram?
[sings]
Alan Harper: Ta-ra-ra boom dee yay! I banged your girl today! 'Cause I'm a billionaire, I still have all my hair!

Alan Harper: [after Berta laughing out loud] What's funny?
Berta: From where you're standing? Nothing.

Alan Harper: [screaming] Hey, hey! I'm still here! I mean, how... how could you do this? How could you have an affair while I'm locked in the booby hatch!
Berta: I thought it was a stress clinic?
Alan Harper: [screaming even louder] Everybody knows what it was! I lost my freaking mind! But, luckily, now I'm better! So I have the tools to cope with whatever life throws at me!

Jake Harper: I'm gonna take Walden's car to Megan's and see if that'll help me sliding it in.
Alan Harper: Wear protection!
Jake Harper: I'm wearing it now!


"Two and a Half Men: Can You Eat Human Flesh with Wooden Teeth? (#2.16)" (2005)
[first lines]
Alan Harper: [shouting on the phone] Do you just get up in the morning, and figure out ways to make me crazy? Is that what you do? You-you plot it out? "How can I make Alan miserable today? How can I reach into his chest, *rip* out his heart, and suck it dry?"
Charlie Harper: Mom, or ex-wife?
Alan Harper: [hand over phone] Ex-wife.
Charlie Harper: Hi Judith!
Alan Harper: Charlie says "Hello".
Alan Harper: She says "Hi".
[shouting again]
Alan Harper: You're evil and selfish! You know that?... No... no, no, I - I think that *is* a helpful comment! I pay you alimony, and child support, so that you can a nice house, a nice car, aaand every weekend free, because I've got Jake, and yet... you're telling me that *you* need a *vacation*!... Oh really?... Oh really. And what, exactly, is stressing you out, Judith? It is the weekly manicure? The housekeeper?
Charlie Harper: The boob lift.
Alan Harper: [phone] The boob lift?
Charlie Harper: That you paid for.
Alan Harper: [phone] That I paid for!
Charlie Harper: And never got to see.
Alan Harper: [phone] And never got to see!... No, no, no. You listen to me. I think you lead a damn fine life-style, that I work sixty hours a week to support. So if anybody needs a vacation, it's not you, it's me!... Alright then!... Good-bye.
Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Uhm, Judith's going to Hawaii for a week... so Jake's staying here.
Charlie Harper: [sarcastically] I'm shocked.

Jake Harper: [left standing in the rain after soccer practice] I can't believe you forget me!
Alan Harper: I said I'm sorry.
Jake Harper: You forgot me!
Alan Harper: I know. I feel terrible.
Jake Harper: How many kids you got!...
Alan Harper: [after asking if he can make up for it by going out for a special dinner] How 'bout a movie?
Jake Harper: Why? You gonna leave me the there too!

Alan Harper: Please, I really need your help.
Charlie Harper: Then you're headed for disappointment.

Alan Harper: You know *why* I was being audited? Not because I have unsubstantiated deductions, which I have. Not because I take the occasional cash payment from a client, and forget to report it, which I do. It was because *no* *one* at the IRS could *believe* I was paying as much *alimony* as I claimed. It took me three hours to convince them that, yes, I am that big a shmuck.


"Two and a Half Men: If My Hole Could Talk (#5.18)" (2008)
Charlie Harper: I don't know why you get so worked up about it. The kid's obviously destined to sell tube socks from the back of his car.
Alan Harper: A business of his own. Gee, that'd be swell.

Alan Harper: Bite me. That's chapter one in my upcoming book, "Bite Me". Chapter two is "Kiss My Pale White Ass!"

Alan Harper: What were you going to do about the book report?
Jake Harper: You mean beside the earthquake?
Alan Harper: Yes.
Jake Harper: I kinda had all my eggs in the earthquake basket.

Charlie Harper: Sure wish you didn't take all that LSD when you were having him.
Alan Harper: I didn't take LSD.
Charlie Harper: You might want to start telling people that.


"Two and a Half Men: People Who Love Peepholes (#9.2)" (2011)
Walden Schmidt: I've known Bridget since high school.
Alan Harper: Mhm. High school sweethearts. When I was in high school, I was dating the poster of Molly Ringwald.

Alan Harper: I still have a buzzing in my ears!
Walden Schmidt: I can't hear you, I have a buzzing in my ears!

Alan Harper: Why don't we stop and have a drink.
Walden Schmidt: Drinking is not the answer.
Alan Harper: No, stopping is the answer!

Walden Schmidt: Alan.
Alan Harper: Yeah.
Walden Schmidt: Why are you lying on top of me?
Alan Harper: 'Cause didn't wanna be on the bottom?


"Two and a Half Men: Above Exalted Cyclops (#6.21)" (2009)
[Rose pulls alongside Alan as they drive]
Rose: [upset] You didn't call!
Alan Harper: What's that?
Rose: You said you'd call me and you didn't call!
Jake Harper: Hi, Rose.
Rose: [suddenly cheerful] Hey, Jake.

Chelsea: [the four are at a restaurant, where Chelsea set up Alan with the "perfect date," Rose] Charlie, Alan, this is my friend Rose, Rose, this is Charlie and Alan.
Rose: [pointing a handshake towards Charlie] It's nice to meet you Alan.
Chelsea: No, that's Charlie.
Rose: Ooh! Even better! Hi Alan!
Alan Harper: [monotone] Hi.
Chelsea: Why don't we all sit down?
Charlie Harper: So many reasons...

Rose: [during blind date] Alan, I understand you're a chiropractor?
Alan Harper: Yes. I am a chiropractor. Charlie?
Charlie Harper: Yes. He's a chiropractor.
Rose: Oh, that's just terrific. And what do you do Charlie?
Charlie Harper: Um... I write... kids songs and... jingles. Alan?
Alan Harper: Yes. He writes kids songs and jingles. And I am a chiropractor.
Charlie Harper: Yes. He's a chiropractor.

Charlie Harper: So, you actually want to be with him?
Rose: I do.
Charlie Harper: And you believe she has no ulterior motive whatsoever?
Alan Harper: I do.
Charlie Harper: Fine! I now pronounce you fruitbasket and nutcase. And God have mercy on your souls.


"Two and a Half Men: Dum Diddy Dum Diddy Doo (#5.3)" (2007)
Alan Harper: You need a women who's more age appropiate.
Charlie Harper: What is age appropiate for me?
Alan Harper: Forty.
Charlie Harper: Are you out of your mind?

Charlie Harper: I don't mind the talking and the listening, but what about the ears?
Alan Harper: What about the ears?
Charlie Harper: The ears never stop growing, and I like a nice, tight lobe.

Charlie Harper: Forty-year-old women come with a lot of baggage.
Alan Harper: Right. And you have just a carry-on.

Alan Harper: I don't believe this. You nervous about a date?
Charlie Harper: Of course I'm nervous. We don't have anything to talk about. I haven't been with a forty-year-old since high school.


"Two and a Half Men: Bad News from the Clinic (#2.5)" (2004)
Charlie Harper: [Alan asks Charlie why he isn't out on a date with his new lady friend] Sherri? I'm playing that slow.
Alan Harper: Really? Do you mean at, uh, a leisurely pace, or as if you were developmentally challenged?

Alan Harper: [fighting over homework] Why can't you just learn it now?
Jake Harper: Because there's only so much space in my brain, that if you put Magellen in there, I might forget my locker combination.

Alan Harper: [Charlie plans to break up with Sherry] Why?
Charlie Harper: Because she's a self-centered, manipulative, narcissist.
Alan Harper: So are you.
Charlie Harper: Hello?

Alan Harper: Look, if you feel so strongly about this girl, why don't you just call her?
Charlie Harper: Yeah, sure, I could call her. I could also Fed-Ex her my testicles in a little silk bag.


"Two and a Half Men: Santa's Village of the Damned (#3.11)" (2005)
Jake Harper: [about his Dad's new girlfriend being at the house for Christmas] Where's she gonna sleep?
Alan Harper: In my room.
Jake Harper: Okay. Just remember the walls are thin, and I'm impressionable.

Alan Harper: So you believe in the vengeful, Old-Testament Santa.

Alan Harper: Will you look at that? They're bonding already!
Charlie Harper: Alan, your kid would join the Taliban, if they made their own s'mores!


"Two and a Half Men: Tucked, Taped and Gorgeous (#4.21)" (2007)
Alan Harper: The depths of your degereracy continue to astound me.
Charlie Harper: [Looking puzzled] Really? Still?

Alan Harper: Oh, Jake is smitten. I usually only see that look on his face when we go to the pancake house.

Alan Harper: Maybe that's the answer!
Charlie: What was the question?
Alan Harper: Who is Alan Harper?
Charlie: Well that's easy, Alan Harper is an idiot!


"Two and a Half Men: A Giant Cat Holding a Churro (#9.5)" (2011)
Alan Harper: [about Walden drinking] Is this about your ex-wife?
Walden Schmidt: No.
Alan Harper: Walden.
Walden Schmidt: Maybe.
Alan Harper: Walden.
Walden Schmidt: Yes.

Alan Harper: We need to get your mind on something else. Let's watch some TV.
Walden Schmidt: Bridget and I used to watch TV.
Alan Harper: That's the spirit.

Alan Harper: I'm guessing it was Berta's recipe.
Walden Schmidt: It was! But I did the baking, 'cause I am a masterbaker now!


"Two and a Half Men: Does This Smell Funny to You (#2.24)" (2005)
Alan Harper: [opens the front door to find Evelyn cavorting with "Uncle Norman", and blocks Jake from entering] We can't go in there right now.
Jake Harper: [eager to use the bathroom] Come on, why not?
Alan Harper: [bluntly] Because I can't afford to send you to *therapy* for the rest of your life.

Alan Harper: Norman, this is Berta.
Norman: Hello.
Berta: What is this, a fix-up?
Alan Harper: No, uh, nothing like that.
Berta: That's good, because I'd probably kill him.
[to Norman]
Berta: Nothing personal cottontop, I just kinda like it rough.
Alan Harper: [to Norman] Have another cookie.
Berta: So is anyone gonna tell me what's going on?
Alan Harper: Well, it's a little complicated. Charlie -
[Berta cuts him off]
Berta: Got it.

Berta: You got a gun?
Norman: No!
Berta: Want one?
Alan Harper: Berta!
Berta: I'm making small talk.


"Two and a Half Men: Fart Jokes, Pie and Celeste (#7.12)" (2010)
Alan Harper: What are you doing? Watching the big game?
Charlie Harper: Nothing gets by you.
Alan Harper: So, who are we rooting for?
Charlie Harper: The spread.

Alan Harper: Heard any good jokes lately?
Charlie Harper: Yeah. Two brothers are sitting on a couch. One asks "heard any good jokes lately?" And the other brother - get this - sets him on fire.

Alan Harper: I need human contact.
[Doorbell rings]
Charlie Harper: That's probably a human. Go make contact. That's actually very clever.


"Two and a Half Men: A Jock Strap in Hell (#6.5)" (2008)
Alan Harper: Oh Come on! This can't be the first woman who had nervous breakdown, lost her job and wound up taking her clothes off for horny strangers because of you?
Charlie Harper: Of course not!

Alan Harper: The story of my life. No boner goes unpunished.

Charlie Harper: [Charlie, Alan and Jake visit the sporting goods store to get Jake a jock strap, which he doesn't want] Think of it as a bra for your balls.
Jake Harper: [sarcastically] Oh, *now* I want one.
Alan Harper: What size are you?
Jake Harper: How should I know?
Charlie Harper: I think they have one of those measuring things, you know, like at the shoe store - length, width...
Jake Harper: [to his Dad, somewhat desperately] He's kidding, right?
Alan Harper: Yes, he's joking... Here, "Teen".
Charlie Harper: Think you can fit your junk into that?
Jake Harper: I'll make it fit, let's just go.
Charlie Harper: No, no, no, put it on over your pants. We'll take a look.
Jake Harper: The heck you will!
Alan Harper: Charlie, you're embarrassing him.
Charlie Harper: Of course I am. That's why I came.


"Two and a Half Men: She'll Still Be Dead at Halftime (#6.16)" (2009)
Charlie Harper: What's your problem?
Jake Harper: My problem is you're a sleazeball.
Charlie Harper: Oh? Is that so?
Alan Harper: Oh, please. You're in a committed relationship with a wonderful woman and the minute her back is turned, you're out gallivanting.
Jake Harper: Gallivanting?
Alan Harper: Screwing around.
Jake Harper: Why don't you just say screwing around?
Charlie Harper: Hey, as we speak, Chelsea is out there doing the same thing.
Alan Harper: Oh, really? She's pouring liquor down the throat of an inebriated party girl?
Jake Harper: Inebriated?
Alan Harper: Drunk.
Jake Harper: Jeez, who are you showing off for?

Alan Harper: Forget it. You are not driving my car until you get a learner's permit.
Jake Harper: Not even in the driveway?
Alan Harper: Not anywhere.
Jake Harper: What if you have a heart attack. Can I drive you to the hospital?
Alan Harper: No, call an ambulance.
Jake Harper: Fine. If they don't get here in time, can I have your car?

Charlie Harper: [Charlie's girlfriend is out of town, so he proposes that he and Alan and Jake do something together] So, what's it gonna be? A movie? Bowling? Putt-putt? Nevada cat house?
Jake Harper: I vote for cat house.
Alan Harper: Do you even know what a cat house is?
Jake Harper: Not first hand, that's why I voted for it.
Alan Harper: A movie would be fine.
Charlie Harper: Allright. A movie it is. What's out that's good?
Jake Harper: There's a new pirate movie. It's rated Rrrrrrr.
[he pauses, no-one reacts]
Jake Harper: You guys have no sense of humor.


"Two and a Half Men: The 'Ocu' or the 'Pado'? (#6.17)" (2009)
Charlie: [Referring to Chelsea] Last night, I told her 'I love you'. You know what she said?
Alan: Uh, 'I'm still not going to let you do that'?

Charlie: Last night, in bed, I told her I loved her. And you know what she said?
Alan: "I'm still not going to let you do that"?
Charlie: She said, "Thank you."
Alan: Ooh, that's an ice cube to the man sack.
Charlie: I don't get it. I've gone the whole nine yards for this relationship. I gave her her own drawer in my bedroom. I stopped smoking cigars after sex. I even started seeing a shrink so I can be more sensitive, and I still can't get a freaking "I love you."!
Charlie: [sarcastically] But you've obviously become more sensitive.
Charlie: For what I've spent on therapy, I could get a couple of very expensive hookers who will say ANYTHING I want.
Alan: There's that sensitivity again.

Charlie: [enters Alan's room] Hey, Alan!
Alan: [from bathroom] Ocupado!
Charlie: [walks just into Alan sitting on a toilet] I got it! I got it! I got it! I got it! I know how to restore the balance of power with Chelsea.
Alan: [nervously covers his legs with newspaper] Excuse me! What part of "ocupado" don't you understand? The "ocu" or the "pado"?
Charlie: I understood it all. I was just hoping you were shaving.
Alan: Well, I'm not! And as you well know, this is an uphill battle for me, even in the best of circumstances.
Charlie: Yeah, yeah, yeah, but this is important.
Charlie: I'm going to get an "I love you" from Chelsea.
Alan: If you let me finish, you'll get one from me.
Charlie: [shows an engagement ring] Check this out.
Alan: Oh, Charlie, this is so sudden. If you wait a few minutes, I'll have a gift for you.


"Two and a Half Men: A Low, Guttural Tongue-Flapping Noise (#2.19)" (2005)
Alan: When you're with a woman like Sherri, who's sooo gosh darn beautiful that you get excited just thinking about her... how do you... keep the sprinklers from going off while you're still mowing?

Alan: If I ever had a - a woman like that, I - I would cherish her, I would worship her, I would start a small country and put her face on a stamp so I could lick the back of her head.

Alan: What does marriage have to do with sex?


"Two and a Half Men: The Straw in My Donut Hole (#9.23)" (2012)
Dr. Goodman: All right, Mr Harper, well, I've got some good news.
Alan Harper: Let me have it.
Dr. Goodman: I'm banging my receptionist. I'm sorry, I, I never get tired of that one.
Alan Harper: That, that's funny, but what about me?
Dr. Goodman: No, you don't have a chance with her.

Alan Harper: [the Doctor is giving Alan his test results] Is this confidential, what we're saying?
Dr. Goodman: Think of me as a priest. Except, when I touch your nuts, it's strictly business.

Alan Harper: Have you ever had oral sex, *and* peach cobbler?
Dr. Goodman: At the same time? Can't say that I have.
Alan Harper: Well I have. And once my girlfriend finds out that I'm healthy, I'm back to sucking life savers and humping my pillow.
Dr. Goodman: Well, as your doctor, all I can tell you is you're perfectly healthy.
Alan Harper: Can I get a second opinion?
Dr. Goodman: Yes, you're ugly, too.


"Two and a Half Men: Big Girls Don't Throw Food (#9.3)" (2011)
Alan Harper: You need to keep in mind that it's not like the old days. I am a guest here.
Jake Harper: You mean like the old days when you were a guest here?
Alan Harper: I was not a guest.
Jake Harper: Right, 'cause guests eventually leave.
Alan Harper: Charlie was my brother. He loved having me here.
Jake Harper: Wow, 'denial' isn't just a river in South America.
Alan Harper: Africa.
Jake Harper: What about it?

Walden Schmidt: Check this out! My socks match my sneakers.
Alan Harper: But your sneakers don't match each other.

Alan Harper: So you're saying you want to drop out of High School?
Jake Harper: Why not? Did you know that Walden made his first million before he was nineteen?
Alan Harper: How many zeros in a million, Jake?
Jake Harper: M-I-L-L-I-O-N. One!


"Two and a Half Men: Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab, Squab (#2.23)" (2005)
Charlie Harper: [about Jake] You realize, that in one night, he did what we couldn't do in a lifetime?
Alan Harper: He broke her.
Charlie Harper: He chewed her up and spit her out.
Alan Harper: It was a beautiful thing.

Charlie Harper: Clearly he is the chosen one...
Alan Harper: [speaking in awe] And they shall call him, "Jake."

Jake Harper: [just learned that he has to spend the night at Evelyn's] What did I ever do to you?
Alan Harper: It's - it's not a punishment.
Jake Harper: It's not a prize! I'm calling Mom!
Alan Harper: No, no, no. No calling Mom.
Jake Harper: I know my rights. I get one phone call.


"Two and a Half Men: Frankenstein and the Horny Villagers (#2.8)" (2004)
[first lines]
Alan: Hey. How do I look?
Charlie: [not looking] Incredible. All men want to be you, all women want to be with you.
Alan: Can you at least look at me before you answer?
Charlie: [looks] I stand corrected. All men want to be with you...

Alan: [Charlie is working out; Alan drinks from Charlie's water bottle] What the hell is this?
Charlie: Bourbon.
Alan: You drink Bourbon while you work out?
Charlie: Gin makes me sweat.

Alan: [giddy with excitement] Charlie, I have never had sex like this before in my *life*! In fact, I-I-I don't think anything I had prior to this can even be called "sex". Because if we call that "sex", we need a new name for this. My suggestion would be, "Hootin'-Annie Yum-Yum".


"Two and a Half Men: Ate the Hamburgers, Wearing the Hats (#1.17)" (2004)
Alan: Charlie, let me tell you something; you-you-you can't keep Jake from ever getting hurt, he's a boy. It's... getting hurt is like his job. Last summer he - he actually fractured his ass doing a cannonball into the bathtub. All I care about is that has somebody who loves him, and who'll step up when it really counts, and that's what you did today.

Charlie Harper: [wants custody of Jake if something happens to Judith and Alan] All right, Alan, let me ask you something: If I'm here, and Jake's in Rhode Island, who's gonna teach him all the things he needs to know?
Alan: Jerry and Faye are both college professors.
Charlie Harper: I'm talking about the important stuff; about life. Face it... when the time comes, are those two *eggheads* gonna step up and get your kid laid?
Alan: You're not helping your case, Charlie.

Charlie: What's going on?
Alan: [on the phone with Evelyn] Hang on.
Alan: [puts a hand over the phone] Ah, If Mom's ever in a coma, you're the one who has to decided to pull the plug.
Charlie: [doesn't even think about it] Pull.
Alan: All right Mom. Charlie on board.


"Two and a Half Men: Sir Lancelot's Litter Box (#6.22)" (2009)
Alan Harper: I hate to say it, but Chelsea's right.
Charlie Harper: You don't hate it.
Alan Harper: Did I say I hate to say it? What I meant to say was I can't wait to say it.

Charlie Harper: You know, there was a time it would have worked.
Alan Harper: Yes, with your silicone simpletons. But Chelsea is too smart for your crap.
Charlie Harper: Yeah. Plus, there's no silicone in those babies.
Alan Harper: Darn. I owe Bertha five bucks.

Charlie Harper: I tried, Alan. I really tried.
Alan Harper: Yes, you did. You gave it a whole...
[looks at watch]
Alan Harper: ... hour and twenty minutes. Hey, now Bertha owes me five bucks.


"Two and a Half Men: Hi, Mr. Horned One (#3.6)" (2005)
Isabella: You know, people like you have been persecuting people like me for thousands of years.
Alan Harper: Hmm. Well, that's a bit hard to believe seeing as people like me have historically been victims and food.

Alan Harper: [to Berta, as Isabella walks out] What are you doing?
Berta: [hastily putting on jacket] Leaving!
Alan Harper: Why?
Berta: Did you see that bitch? You've got to put a whole lot of gone between you and a broad like that!

Alan Harper: [handing the telephone to Charlie] Mom wants to ask you something.
Charlie: [taking the telephone, cheerfully says] Hi, Mom, *no*!
[hangs up]


"Two and a Half Men: Working for Caligula (#4.1)" (2006)
Alan Harper: Rose.
Rose: Yes, sweetie?
Alan Harper: You're a stalker.
Rose: I prefer to be called "boundary challenged"
Alan Harper: Just go away.
Rose: Go away?
[chuckles]
Rose: Alan, I'm a stalker.

Alan Harper: [Alan's lying in bed. There's a knock on the door. Alan looks up] God what plague have you set upon me now?
Evelyn: Alan, it's mommy.
Alan Harper: Good one.

Charlie Harper: I'll go back upstairs, you come knock on my door again and say you want to talk to me. Only this time, I'll kill you!
Alan Harper: Oh, come on, you're all I have left in this world! I need you Charlie!
Charlie Harper: Anybody here know a Charlie?


"Two and a Half Men: Damn You, Eggs Benedict (#6.3)" (2008)
Alan Harper: [watching Charlie bite into a tube of cinnamon buns] What are you doing?
Charlie Harper: What does it look like I'm doing?
Alan Harper: I'd rather not say.

Charlie Harper: Hey, Alan. Can you taste my hollandaise sauce?
Alan Harper: You made hollandaise sauce?
Charlie Harper: You tell me.
Alan Harper: [Tastes sauce] You did not make hollandaise sauce.
Charlie Harper: Damn you, eggs Benedict.

Alan Harper: Tonight, I give my second rose to bachelorette number two.
Charlie Harper: Only you can gay up banging two women.


"Two and a Half Men: Something My Gynecologist Said (#10.8)" (2012)
Alan Harper: [Lyndsey is obviously troubled about something] Where is this coming from all of a sudden?
Lyndsey Mackelroy: Oh, something my gynecologist said.
Alan Harper: Are you all right?
Lyndsey Mackelroy: I'm fine. He said, 'Everything looks great down here. Would you like to have dinner sometime?'
Alan Harper: Wow. Wow. That is wildly inappropriate. I mean, as a Doctor myself...
Lyndsey Mackelroy: A chiropractor.
Alan Harper: [defensive] Nonetheless, I am a healer. There's a code. I mean, you don't ask someone out when they're buck-naked with their feet in the stirrups. Unless you're drunk at a rodeo... And just for the record, he gets paid to go down there. I do it for the love of the game.

Alan Harper: I want to ask your opinion about something. Lyndsey has been pushing me to make a committment because some other guy asked her out.
Walden Schmidt: Who asked her out?
Alan Harper: Her gynecologist.
Walden Schmidt: [with a devilish grin] Well, at least he knows what he's gettin' into.
Alan Harper: Cute. But I mean, I don't want to lose Lyndsey, but I'm just not ready to make a committment.
Walden Schmidt: My advice is you better do something soon, or you're out and the Doctor's in. And when I say the Doctor's in, I mean...
Alan Harper: No, I got it, I got it.

Sid: When you get to be my age, always bring a big, plastic cup into the john.
Alan Harper: Why?
Sid: You gotta lower the water level, or your nuts get wet.


"Two and a Half Men: Don't Worry, Speed Racer (#4.13)" (2007)
Alan Harper: Jake can hear you two in bed.
Judith Harper: Oh God! Oh God!
Herb: He didn't hear that.

Herb: She did teach me to play through the pain.
Alan Harper: Yeah. Tape it up and get back in there!

Charlie Harper: Oh, and let's not forget how I convinced you Mom's douchebag was your air supply.
Alan Harper: Yeah. Yeah. My breath smelled like vinegar for two weeks.
Charlie Harper: Ah, those were innocent times.


"Two and a Half Men: Smell the Umbrella Stand (#2.15)" (2005)
Alan Harper: [taken aback by Charlie's critique of his loud shirt he wants to wear to Las Vegas] Sh-Should I change?
Charlie Harper: Ah... You should, but after all these years, I doubt you will.

Alan Harper: Do you really want to drive five hours through the desert with a puking kid in the back of your new Mercedes?
Charlie Harper: He can stick his head out the window, and let the guy behind us worry about it!

Alan Harper: [discussing Alan's colonoscopy] So, I'm really nervous about it.
Judith Harper: [irritated] That's it?
Alan Harper: Well, it's a long snakey thing with a camera!
Judith Harper: Oh, please. Your son was ten pounds at birth, and his head was the same size it is now.


"Two and a Half Men: Camel Filters and Pheromones (#1.12)" (2004)
Berta: [speaking of her granddaughter who is spending the day with her] She's playing with Jake.
Alan Harper: Oh good! A little playmate for Jake. That'll give him something to do for today.
Charlie Harper: I just hope they're quiet, 'cause I've got a lot of work to do.
Prudence: [entering, wearing a skimpy top and skimpier hip-hugger jean shorts] Nana, did you throw out my cigarettes again?
Alan Harper: [simultaneously with Charlie] Dear God!
Charlie Harper: [simultaneously with Alan] Oh Hell!

Prudence: Hi Alan. What kind of car do you drive?
Alan Harper: Uh - uh, a Volvo station wagon.
Prudence: [to Charlie] What do you got?
Charlie Harper: [hurriedly] I got nothing. Not a damn thing!
Jake Harper: [Jake enters] Hey Prudence, I set up my X-box. You ready to play?
Prudence: Sure!
Berta: [from off screen] Get to work Prudence!
Prudence: Maybe later, handsome.
[under her breath]
Prudence: Stupid old woman.
Jake Harper: Isn't she wonderful?
Alan Harper: [simultaneously with Charlie] Dear God!
Charlie Harper: [simultaneously with Alan] Oh Hell!

Prudence: [sunbathing, tries to hand Alan suntan lotion] Can you put some of this on my back?
Alan Harper: No!
Prudence: If you don't, I'll burn.
Alan Harper: If I do, *I* will.


"Two and a Half Men: Mr. McGlue's Feedbag (#4.22)" (2007)
Alan Harper: Since when do you make chili?
Charlie Harper: [drunk] There's a lot you don't know about me, Alan. I am a man of many layers. Strata, if you will.
Alan Harper: I see.
Charlie Harper: A thin crust, magma and a chewy nougat center.
Alan Harper: Great. Uh... anyway, tomorrow I have to go the DMV to get my license renewed.
Charlie Harper: Ah, cars. Where would we be without cars? And how would we get there?
[drops an onion]
Charlie Harper: Run, run, you're free!

Alan Harper: Listen, I... I need to ask you for a favor.
Charlie Harper: [drunk] Your needs. Your needs. What about my needs?
Alan Harper: Are you capable of having a conversation?
Charlie Harper: Capable? I just spent twenty minutes discussing open-toed shoes with a fat man from Rangoon. He's a Rangooooooonian.
Alan Harper: We'll talk in the morning.
Charlie Harper: I wouldn't count on it.
Charlie Harper: Go ahead, you talk. I'll cook.
Alan Harper: It's 11:30. What are you cooking?
Charlie Harper: Good question. And I can give you the answer in two words: my famous homemade chili.

Charlie Harper: [drunk] Thank you for transporting me home. You are a terrific cab driver and I hope some day to visit your country. Damn, where is that key? Here key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key, key! Ah-ha! Hello, key.
[door won't open]
Charlie Harper: Oh, no. Wrong house. I'm lost!
[Alan opens the door from the inside]
Alan Harper: Hello?
Charlie Harper: Oh, hey, Alan! Come on in.
Alan Harper: Why don't you come in here?
Charlie Harper: I can't. I lost my key.
[shows his keys]
Charlie Harper: Daaaaaah!
Alan Harper: Had a... a few cocktails, did we?
Charlie Harper: Me too.


"Two and a Half Men: Go East on Sunset Until You Reach the Gates of Hell (#1.3)" (2003)
Alan Harper: [drunk in a cab, talking about their Mother] At some point, we have to stand up to her!
Charlie: Oh, well look who's got beer muscles all of a sudden!

Cab Driver: Your mother sounds like a real piece of work.
Charlie: Oh, you have no idea, my friend. My mother took my baby brother and dipped him in *sissy sauce,* and turned him into the people-pleasing control freak you see today.
Alan Harper: That's right! And-and she made HIM so scared of intimacy, that-that he has just this endless stream of girls running in and out of his life.
Charlie: Damn her!
Cab Driver: You know, many psychologists agree, that until the core maternal relationship is resolved, most men are doomed to repeat dysfunctional childhood patterns.
Charlie: Just drive the cab, Dr. Phil.

Charlie: I got some more bad news.
Alan Harper: [Referring to Jake's pet guinea pig] Oh, that reminds me, I've got to bring Porky back to Jake.
Charlie: That's the problem. Nothing's bringing Porky back.
Alan Harper: He's dead?
Charlie: [Imitating Porky Pig] Th-th-th-that's all folks.


"Two and a Half Men: Just Once with Aunt Sophie (#3.22)" (2006)
[first lines]
Alan: [sits next to Jake] Hey.
Jake: [playing a video game on TV] Hi.
Alan: So... what's going on in school?
Jake: Nothing.
Alan: Nothing? You just sit there all day and stare at the wall?
Jake: That's where the clock is...
Alan: Well, I - I find it hard to believe you - you just watch a clock all day.
Jake: Have you *seen* my report card?

Jake: Hey! Can I get leather pants?
Charlie Harper, Alan: No!
Jake: Why not?
Charlie Harper: 'Cause you need something that lets the farts out.

Alan: [Jake races to take a phone call] Okay, that's something we haven't seen before.
Charlie Harper: Yeah. He only moves that fast when he's got the squirts.


"Two and a Half Men: Baseball Was Better with Steroids (#6.24)" (2009)
Charlie Harper: Alan, hit your kid for me.
Alan Harper: Do we really want to risk more brain damage?
Jake Harper: Thanks for sticking up for me, dad.

Charlie Harper: Jake's in the bathroom. He's either finishing breakfast or starting lunch.
Herb: Well, he's a growing boy.
Charlie Harper: He's a growing pain in my ass.
Alan Harper: He says that with love.
Charlie Harper: No, I say it with a dull, throbbing pain in my ass.

Jake Harper: What's your movie idea?
Alan Harper: It's about a man who finds himself in a crossroads in his life.
Jake Harper: You know what I think of that movie? Boring! Rated G... A-Y.


"Two and a Half Men: For the Sake of the Child (#7.5)" (2009)
Jake Harper: [driving, sticks his elbow out the window]
Alan Harper: What are you doing?
Jake Harper: Driving.
Alan Harper: Both hands: ten and two.
Jake Harper: Twelve
Alan Harper: No, no, like a clock: 10:00 and 2:00.
Jake Harper: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Jake Harper: [driving a car, turns the radio on]
Alan Harper: Hey, hey, hey, hey. Concentrate on the road.
Jake Harper: What? You listen to the radio while you drive.
Alan Harper: I'm an experienced driver.
Charlie Harper: [from a back seat] You drive like an old woman
Alan Harper: An *experienced* old woman.

Alan Harper: [peeking nervously on Jake driving the car] So, Charlie, when's your, uh... when's your fiance back in town?
Charlie Harper: [also nervously looking around] Uh... next week.
Alan Harper: Huh. So, uh... so her dad's out of the hospital?
Charlie Harper: Yep. They give him new hip and send him home.
Alan Harper: Huh. So he had a bad hip?
Charlie Harper: No, Alan, he has a bad tooth, but he went to the wrong doctor.
Alan Harper: You don't have to be snide.
Charlie Harper: You don't have to ask dumb-ass questions.
Jake Harper: He didn't ask me anything.


"Two and a Half Men: Lookin' for Japanese Subs (#8.14)" (2011)
Jake Harper: [Jake and Eldridge are making a video] A warm diet cola product. Ahhhh. Now, I will swallow a Mentos. Mentos. Now, I'll lay on the floor.
Eldridge Mackelroy: Goggles?
Jake Harper: Right. Safety first.
Eldridge Mackelroy: You feel anything yet?
Jake Harper: Oh yeah. It's workin'.
Eldridge Mackelroy: If it starts comin' out the back door, pull your pants down and roll over.
Jake Harper: Good thinkin'.
Alan Harper: [Alan comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
Jake Harper: Not a good time, Dad.
Alan Harper: What are you doing on the floor?
[Jake spews about four feet high, covering Alan]
Eldridge Mackelroy: [camera rolling] Awesome!
Alan Harper: [enraged] What the hell are you doing?
Jake Harper: I'm sorry, I'm sorry.
Alan Harper: Are you all right?
Jake Harper: Yeah. We were just makin' a video. Hold on.
[he rushes to the sink to vomit some more]
Jake Harper: Cool stunts.
Alan Harper: Cool stunts? In God's name, why?
Jake Harper: You've heard of 'Jackass'?
Alan Harper: Yeah.
Eldridge Mackelroy: [proudly] We are Dumbass.

Alan Harper: [Jake and Eldridge's second stunt in their 'Dumbass' project goes a bit wrong] Do you realize how lucky you are? You could have broken your necks.
Jake Harper: We took precautions.
Alan Harper: [almost too angry to speak] You flew off the roof! In a shopping cart! What precautions?
Eldridge Mackelroy: We were planning to land in the ocean.
Alan Harper: You missed it... by a *hundred yards*!
Jake Harper: It's not an exact science, Dad.
Alan Harper: OK, OK, let's not dicker over the details.
Eldridge Mackelroy: [giggling] He said 'dicker'.
Jake Harper: I know!
Alan Harper: OK, OK, I am serious, OK? This 'Dumbass' thing stops right now.
Jake Harper: You're the one who told me I should follow my dreams.
Alan Harper: I meant dreams like Doctor, or Lawyer, not Crash Test Dummy!
Jake Harper: [musing] Doctor Jacob Harper. I like the sound of that.
Eldridge Mackelroy: [continuing the parody] Hey, Doc, what's this on my nut-sack? Is it infected?
Jake Harper: Yes. It seems we'll have to perform a nut-sack-ectomy.
Alan Harper: [reaching a new state of outrage] Will... you... two... quit with the cockamamie babble, and focus on what I am trying to tell you?
Jake Harper: [giggling anew] He said 'cockamamie'!
Eldridge Mackelroy: He said 'foke-us'!

Jake Harper: [for their third 'Dumbass' stunt, Jake is warming up some beans] So, I'm thinking we call this stunt 'Fart Rocket'.
Eldridge Mackelroy: Naw, I think we need to go with something a little more intellectual. How 'bout, 'The Dumbass Ass Blaster'?
Jake Harper: You can't use two 'asses' in a row. It's... redumnant.
Alan Harper: [comes into the kitchen] Hey, what's goin' on?
Jake Harper: Just makin' Eldridge somethin' to eat.
Alan Harper: [sensing another stupid stunt] Really.
Eldridge Mackelroy: Yes, I was peckerish.
Alan Harper: You mean, 'peckish'.
Eldridge Mackelroy: Fine, if you wanna dicker.
Jake Harper: Good one, dude!


"Two and a Half Men: I Remember the Coatroom, I Just Don't Remember You (#1.19)" (2004)
Alan Harper: Anyway, you, me and Mom are taking Jake to a show, Magic Hat's Club.
Charlie Harper: You invited Mom?
Alan Harper: You want to tell her she can't come to her only grandchild's birthday? Cause believe me, I *tried*.
Charlie Harper: Oh man.
Alan Harper: Look at the bright side, maybe we can bribe one of the magicians to get her sawed in half.

Judith Harper: If you lay one magic little finger on her, you and I are going to have a very big problem.
Alan: What are you going to do, divorce me? Marry me again and then divorce me?

Judith: I will rock his world! I swear!
Alan Harper: You're bluffing.
Judith: Oh am I? Watch me. Come on, Charlie.
[Judith grabs Charlie's arm and starts leading him upstairs]
Charlie Harper: Alan?
Alan Harper: She's bluffing, Charlie.
Charlie Harper: Are you sure?
Alan Harper: Trust me. She hates you.
Charlie Harper: Trust *me*. That doesn't always stop them!


"Two and a Half Men: That's Summer Sausage, Not Salami (#4.14)" (2007)
Alan Harper: [to Charlie] Because, there's only two reasons you *ever* set me up with a woman. Either you need somebody to keep the emotionally disturbed, or cross-eyed, or hermaphroditic best friend busy while you do the pretty girl, or... Ok. I guess there's just one reason.

Alan Harper: [to Charlie] "I'm Sorry" does not make up for leaving me in a hotel room with a girl with a vestigial penis.

Charlie Harper: [to Alan] ... Why wouldn't she want you?
Alan Harper: I'm broke, middle-aged, twice divorced, sleeping on your hide-a-bed, and sharing custody of a flatulent, under-achieving son.


"Two and a Half Men: Smooth as a Ken Doll (#4.19)" (2007)
Herb: Oh Myra. This is Judith's first husband, Alan.
Alan Harper: Hi.
Myra: So, how does this work? Do you get your original testicles back, or does my brother give you his ?

Alan Harper: You know, Charlie, there's a special section in hell reserved for people like you.
Charlie Harper: That's good. Because I'd hate to have to stand on line.


"Two and a Half Men: My Doctor Has a Cow Puppet (#1.22)" (2004)
Alan: [Alan is sleep walking] Gort. Klatuu, barada, nikto.
Charlie: What?
Alan: [seductively] You know...

Alan: [Alan's take-out is wrong] I'm gonna call that restaurant, and give them a piece of my mind.
Charlie Harper: That's smart. Scream at the people who handle your food.


"Two and a Half Men: Clank, Clank, Drunken Skank (#11.4)" (2013)
Alan Harper: I'm gonna get laid!
Walden Schmidt: Congratulations. Which hand are you gonna use?

Jenny Harper: [coming into the kitchen in the morning] Hey, look who's got his clothes on!
Walden Schmidt: Ahhhh, I had clothes on last night.
Jenny Harper: Yeah, you were wearing a sock, and not on your foot. Looked like Santa filled his stocking at Elton John's house.
Alan Harper: [being a bit protective of his niece, Jenny] Harmless fun?
Walden Schmidt: She did not see Bennie or the Jets.


"Two and a Half Men: That Voodoo That I Do Do (#3.8)" (2005)
Alan Harper: [about Charlie] The man's got a heat-seeking missile in his pants.

Alan Harper: [about Charlie] Why - why do you enable his bahavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeves spirit, that made this country great! He never gets discouraged, he goes after what he wants, and he doesn't know the meaning of the word "quit". And if the day should come, when any man, no matter how humble, can't go out there, and soil the loins of some hot little dancer, well... I don't want to live in that America!
Berta: [starts singing as she leaves the kitchen] "Oh beautiful, for spacious skys, for amber waves of grain... "


"Two and a Half Men: An Old Flame with a New Wick (#1.18)" (2004)
Charlie: [Alan is looking at a photo of Charlie's old girlfriend who is now a man] Just *look* at it.
Alan: Alright. She's cute... very tall... broad shoulders...
[suddenly screams, in realization]
Alan: Holy Mother of God!
Charlie: Welcome to the Matrix.

Alan: [after meeting Bill/Jill] Nice guy. Poker buddy?
Charlie: Yeah, I used to. - And don't call me 'buddy'.


"Two and a Half Men: Big Flappy Bastards (#1.2)" (2003)
Charlie: Alan, your wife threw you out.
Alan: Yeah, well that doesn't mean she doesn't *need* me.
Charlie: Yeah, it kinda does.

Charlie: [Jake's bedroom is full of sea gulls; Charlie has a chum-bucket] I'm going to throw the bait out the window to lure the birds out of the house.
Alan: Oh, that's - that's pretty clever.
Charlie: Yeah, it's a variation on something I do with women and tennis bracelets.


"Two and a Half Men: No Sniffing, No Wowing (#1.21)" (2004)
Alan Harper: Charlie, stop sniffing the paralegals.

Charlie: Hey, you still got your old garage door clicker, right?
Alan Harper: Yeah.
Charlie: So... let Judith have the books and then one night maybe someone goes and gets them back.
Alan Harper: Wonderful. Breaking and entering.
Charlie: It's not breaking if you have the clicker!
Alan Harper: More good advice.
Charlie: And it's free! So hang up, let's get that beer.
Alan Harper: Oh, oh sure I'll hold. They're patching me through to her cell phone.
[cell phone rings upstairs]
Alan Harper: What's that?
Charlie: That? Th-tha-that is coincidentally *my* cell phone.


"Two and a Half Men: Kinda Like Necrophilia (#5.10)" (2007)
Charlie Harper: [Alan drools over Charlie's sexy, French one-night-stand] Nice, huh?
Alan Harper: Nice? She's magnificent!
Charlie Harper: You should see her naked.
Alan Harper: Can I?

Alan Harper: [Charlie makes fun of Alan's bicycling outfit] Excuse me. This is what they wear in the Tour De France.
Charlie Harper: [referring to his French one-night-stand] Alan, I just *took* the "Tour De France", and the only thing I was wearing was a smile and a condom.


"Two and a Half Men: It Was Mame, Mom (#2.18)" (2005)
Alan Harper: If we're going to be a couple, I wanna' be the husband.
Charlie Harper: [Mockingly] Who's gonna' believe you're the husband!
Alan Harper: Hey, of the two of us, I'm the only one who's *been* a husband!
Charlie Harper: [Mockingly] You really thought you were the husband in your marriage?
Alan Harper: Nevertheless... I'm going to be the husband in *this* one.
Charlie Harper: [Said after Alan walks out of the room] Well, la-di-dah!

Alan Harper: Oh boy, Charlie we need to talk.
Charlie Harper: For the last time, you look stunning.
Alan Harper: No, we need to get our story straight.
Charlie Harper: What stories?
Alan Harper: We're supposed to be a couple. I mean, uh, how long have we been together; how did we meet?
Charlie Harper: OK fine, I met you in Thailand and bought you from a guy.
Alan Harper: I am serious, if we're going to pull this off we need to be convincing, I mean - do we have a favorite song? Cute names for each other, I mean - I don't even know if we're dog people or cat people.
Charlie Harper: Oh I forgot to tell you, the guy I bought you from in Thailand had your vocal cords removed.


"Two and a Half Men: The Salmon Under My Sweater (#2.10)" (2004)
Alan Harper: But the truth is, you and I see each other every day, and we really don't know much about each other.
Berta: So you want to know what goes on underneath this gruff exterior; whether somewhere inside me, there's a tiny little girl who once dreamed of being a famous ballerina?
Alan Harper: Is there?
Berta: If there is, it's because I accidentally ate one, and haven't passed her yet... Let me tell you, I am dreading that tiara.

Rose: So, Alan. Tell me about yourself.
Alan Harper: What would you like to know ?
Rose: Everything. I really don't know that much about you, aside fromt he fact that you're Charlie's brother and Jake's dad. Graduated from Cal State Long Beach, married your college sweet heart, and sometimes in the middle of the night when you're half asleep you pee sitting down.
Alan Harper: Have you been spying on me?
Rose: No, silly. I spy on Charlie. You just get in the way sometimes.
Alan Harper: You know what? Why don't you tell me about you?
Rose: Well, okay. Well, let's see. I, too, pee sitting down, so we have that in common. I come from a wealthy family, so, I guess I've had kind of a sheltered life. You know, fancy private schools and colleges.
Alan Harper: No kidding. What college did you go to?
Rose: Princeton. But just for two years.
Alan Harper: Oh. So, you dropped out.
Rose: No, I finished. Then I came back to California to do my masters at Stanford.
Alan Harper: That's amazing. What's your degree in?
[a lady goes to sit down in front of the two but Rose blows a raspberry on her wrist and the lady moves away]
Rose: Behavioural psychology.


"Two and a Half Men: Sleep Tight, Puddin' Pop (#3.7)" (2005)
Alan Harper: [to Rose's father] You'll have to forgive my brother. He thinks with his penis, and his penis isn't very bright.

Berta: [Berta tops off her coffee with rum, takes a swig out of the bottle and smacks her lips] Mmmm... that's good coffee.
Alan Harper: Good morning.
Berta: It's getting there.


"Two and a Half Men: Corey's Been Dead for an Hour (#4.9)" (2006)
Alan Harper: No matter how you shake and dance, the last few drops fall on your pants.

Charlie Harper: [showing Alan his secret money stash] You sure?
Alan Harper: Oh, where did you find that... I mean, what is that?
Charlie Harper: About $5,000 in small bills.
Alan Harper: Wow, wow, that much.
Charlie Harper: A little less since I paid for the pizza. And tipped the guy a $50.
Alan Harper: You gave him a $50 tip?
Charlie Harper: Yep. Now I'm gonna go light my cigar with a hundred.


"Two and a Half Men: The Last Thing You Want Is to Wind Up with a Hump (#1.5)" (2003)
Alan: Jake, for the last time, nobody got "creamed", no one won, no one lost.
Jake: Yeah except for us, twelve to two.
Charlie: Well it doesn't matter if you win or lose; it's whether or not you beat the spread.

Alan: [Charlie has arranged a "play-date" for Jake] You're hitting on the Mother, aren't you?
Charlie: Can't slip one past you, can I?
Alan: That's not what a play-date is for.
Charlie: What? The kid plays, and I have a date. Everybody wins.


"Two and a Half Men: A Fishbowl Full of Glass Eyes (#9.10)" (2011)
Alan Harper: You gave him a hundred dollars?
Walden Schmidt: Oh, hey, Alan. Yeah, he washed my car.
Alan Harper: Wha... what... A hundred bucks to wash a car?
Walden Schmidt: Not enough?
Alan Harper: For a hundred dollars, I'd lick your car clean!

Walden Schmidt: Hey, I'm going on a date with that girl I met at the supermarket. Do I look okay?
Alan Harper: No, I look okay. You look like the guy women fantasize about when I'm on top of them!


"Two and a Half Men: Whipped Unto the Third Generation (#7.2)" (2009)
Alan: The problem is the women have established a beachhead.
[Charlie chuckles loudly]
Alan: What?
Charlie: Nothing, nothing. You just reminded me of why I bought a house in Malibu.

Alan: As you know, I pay my fair share of the rent around here.
Charlie: Well, you and I have different ideas of fair. And share. And rent. But go on.


"Two and a Half Men: Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair (#7.9)" (2009)
Charlie Harper: What is that?
Alan Harper: It's hair spray.
Charlie Harper: Really? Hair spray, let me see it.
Alan Harper: No, leave me alone.
Charlie Harper: Then what's the big deal?
Alan Harper: It's not a big deal, just go away.
Charlie Harper: All right. But I need you out of the house tonight so I can be alone with Chelsea.
Alan Harper: Don't worry, I have a date.
Charlie Harper: Another internet hookup?
Alan Harper: Suavesingles.com. First month's free!
Charlie Harper: Must be how they keep out the rift-raft.

Charlie Harper: [snatching the hair spray bottle away from Alan] Captain Terry's Spray-On Hair. "Guaranteed to cover bald spots."
Alan Harper: Well it's not really a bald spot, I'm just getting a little thin on top.
Charlie Harper: So you're painting your head?
Alan Harper: It's not paint. It's a specially-formulated hair-like substance designed for the active man on the go.
Charlie Harper: Oh you poor, gullible bastard.
Alan Harper: Gives me confidence.
Charlie Harper: OK, fine. But what happens to your confidence when your date runs her fingers through your, specially-formulated hair like substance?
Alan Harper: It's guaranteed not to smear, drip or ignite under normal circumstances.
Charlie Harper: So you're gonna spend the rest of your life spray-painting your head like it's a freeway underpass?
Alan Harper: This is just a stopcap until the pills kick in.
Charlie Harper: What's this, like Propecia?
Alan Harper: Better. Stronger. It's from Eastern Europe where they don't have to worry about all of those pesky FDA regulations.


"Two and a Half Men: Thank God for Scoliosis (#6.12)" (2009)
Alan Harper: [resisting the temptation to romance his receptionist] I haven't checked, but I'm pretty sure my balls look like two-thirds of the Blue Man Group.
Charlie Harper: [turns aside and yells] Berta! Hide the vacuum cleaner!

Berta: Well, everybody makes that mistake once. I crossed that line in the '70s when I was cleaning house for Mr. Telly Savalas.
Charlie Harper: You're kidding. TV's Kojak?
Berta: One and the same.
Charlie Harper: What happened?
Berta: What do you think happened? He's Greek, a man of passion. You can't tie your shoes around those guys.
Charlie Harper: That's rough.
Berta: You bet your ass it's rough.
[Alan walks in]
Alan Harper: Morning.
Charlie Harper: Morning.
Berta: So, Zippy. I hear you've been sinking your putts on the company golf course.
Alan Harper: Thanks for telling her.
Charlie Harper: Thanks for telling me.
Berta: Word of advice: It may seem like fun and games at the beginning, but mark my words. Sooner or later, you're gonna wake up with a broken heart and a lollipop stuck to your keister.


"Two and a Half Men: Untainted by Filth (#7.7)" (2009)
Charlie Harper: [Noticing Alan is wearing his boxers] Why are you wearing my underwear?
Alan Harper: [Noticing Charlie is wearing his white briefs] Why are you wearing mine?

Alan Harper: Who would've guessed that of the two of us, I'd end up being the care-free bachelor?
Charlie Harper: If by care-free you mean broke and homeless, then everyone could have guessed that.


"Two and a Half Men: Shoes, Hats, Pickle Jar Lids (#5.9)" (2007)
Alan Harper: Why would you need a Bentley?
Charlie Harper: Nobody needs a Bentley, just as nobody needs to date a twenty-year old. But if you're going to have one, it doesn't hurt to have the other.

Alan Harper: I'm not taking the fall for you.
Charlie Harper: When have you ever taken the fall for me?
Alan Harper: I don't know, but somehow it always works out that whenever you get laid, I get screwed!


"Two and a Half Men: My Damn Stalker (#4.15)" (2007)
Alan Harper: I'm not gay. I'm literate and urbane and that confuses people.

Beverly: I guess you've noticed I'm a little taller than 5'9"
Alan Harper: Oh, yeah, but, uh, everybody fudges a little on those dating profiles. How tall are you?
Beverly: 5'13".


"Two and a Half Men: Always a Bridesmaid, Never a Burro (#3.20)" (2006)
Alan Harper: [angrily, to God] I watch *one* donkey sex show, and you make me pay for it the *rest of my life*!

Berta: How do you know Kandi?
Mandi: She's my daughter.
Berta: Your daughter? Sweet whistling Geronimo, you people are like a box of hamsters just crawling all over each other.
Alan Harper: Yes, well, we all get how this looks, Berta.
Berta: Hey I'm not knocking it, I'm just wondering when some of that gravy's going to spill over on my tables.


"Two and a Half Men: Our Leather Gear Is in the Guest Room (#5.7)" (2007)
Jake Harper: [comes in from shopping with his Dad, wearing a very oversized shirt] Just once, I'd like to get clothes that fit *now*!
Alan Harper: Well, quit going through puberty, and we'll talk about it.

Alan Harper: [arguing with Charlie over a bowl he wants to put in the living room; he asks Charlie's date her opinion. She thinks it looks fine] See. Two against one.
Charlie Harper: There's no voting! You're just a free-loader, and she's just some one-night-stand I picked up in a ba... oh damn.


"Two and a Half Men: The Spit-Covered Cobbler (#3.18)" (2006)
Alan Harper: [Talking about Kandi] She thinks I'm special. She thinks I'm smart.
Charlie Harper: She thinks gazpacho is Pinocchio's father!

Charlie Harper: This is a short-term relationship, right?
Alan Harper: I don't know...
Charlie Harper: Trust me, it's a short term relationship. I mean, Kandi's not the brightest bulb in the chandelier but, even she's gonna wake up one day and wonder what she's doing shacked up with a penniless putz who's twice her age!
Alan Harper: Kandi's not like that.
Charlie Harper: Just wait. Your first minor stroke and she'll be boinking the cardiologist before you can scrawl "what happened..." on your notepad!


"Two and a Half Men: That Old Hose Bag Is My Mother (#2.22)" (2005)
Alan Harper: [to Trudy after Evelyn calls to cancel her double date] Uh, apparently, uh, your - your father mixed up his heart pills with his Viagra, and they - didn't wanna - waste the opportunity.

[repeated line]
Alan Harper: It's not a chick car!


"Two and a Half Men: Anteaters. They're Just Crazy-lookin (#4.23)" (2007)
Charlie Harper: You know the difference between you and me, Alan?
Alan Harper: I don't scream when I pee?

Alan Harper: [to Charlie] You're a lecherous, old guy, who bought a young woman's affection with shiny baubles.


"Two and a Half Men: Repeated Blows to His Unformed Head (#4.7)" (2006)
Naomi: Hi, yeah, I think I have the wrong address.
Alan Harper: Oh, you have the right address.
[loudly]
Alan Harper: Charlie it's for you.
Charlie Harper: Who is it?
Alan Harper: Karma.
Charlie Harper: What?
Alan Harper: Your chickens have come home to roost.
Charlie Harper: Karma? Chicken? Alan, what the hell are you talking about?
[sees Naomi]
Charlie Harper: Ewww...
[yelling to the back room]
Charlie Harper: Charlie, it's for you!

Alan Harper: [after confessing his fetish to Charlie notices Jake] How long have you been standing there?
Jake Harper: Long enough to get very confused... So we have hot dogs, right?


"Two and a Half Men: Madame and Her Special Friend (#3.9)" (2005)
Alan: Jake, are you praying?
Jake Harper: It's OK, I'm not in school.

Alan: [sitting on the bed after announcing he had sex with Norma] Well, actually I-I-I don't think I'm gonna be getting a building.
Charlie: Were you nagged?
Alan: She... died.
Charlie: You're kidding!
Alan: Well, after we were done, she looked at me, mumbled a couple of words, closed her eyes and then, poof. Dead.
Charlie: That's it! I knew there was a Big Bang joke!


"Two and a Half Men: That Pistol-Packin' Hermaphrodite (#3.24)" (2006)
Rose: Hello Alan.
Alan Harper: Rose.
[Rose exits via the front door. Charlie and Alan stare at the door, bewildered]
Charlie Harper: She used the front door?
Alan Harper: Uh huh.
Charlie Harper: She never uses the front door.
Alan Harper: Uhn uh.
[turns to Charlie]
Alan Harper: What happened out there?
Charlie Harper: Nothing. I just told her Mia and I were getting married, and I could see her medication STOP working.

Alan Harper: [regarding Rose] What do you think she's going to do?
Charlie Harper: It's not a question of what, it's a question of when and how am I going to enjoy my honeymoon with my testicles superglued to my asscrack.


"Two and a Half Men: The Sea Is a Harsh Mistress (#4.3)" (2006)
Alan Harper: [Evelyn comes in with her lips grotesquely swollen] What happened to your mouth?
Evelyn Harper: I just had a little procedure.
Alan Harper: [astonished] What kind of procedure?
Charlie Harper: They sucked some fat out of her ass, and shot it into her lips.
Alan Harper: What did they do... use the *whole* ass?

Jake Harper: [to Evelyn] Dad says you've got your butt in your lips.
Alan Harper: Just eat your dinner.
Jake Harper: Hang on. So if you burp now, it'll really be a fart, right?


"Two and a Half Men: Best H.O. Money Can Buy (#6.7)" (2008)
Alan Harper: I hope this is a good driving wine.

Charlie Harper: I'm an artist, Alan. I paint with words.
Alan Harper: You're a lush, Charlie. You paint with vomit.


"Two and a Half Men: Warning, It's Dirty (#7.11)" (2009)
Alan Harper: [after hearing Charlie read his Christmas Newsletter] What do you think?
Charlie Harper: You're sad, pathetic, lonely and blue, / If I gave a rat's ass I'd worry about you.


"Two and a Half Men: If I Can't Write My Chocolate Song, I'm Going to Take a Nap (#1.4)" (2003)
Alan: Charlie?
Charlie: What?
Alan: You kicked me in your sleep!
Charlie: Who said I was asleep?


"Two and a Half Men: A Sympathetic Crotch to Cry On (#2.21)" (2005)
Charlie Harper: [their mother just came to visit] So, Mom, to what do we owe this unexpected, uuh...
Evelyn Harper: Pleasure?
Charlie Harper: No, that's not it.
Evelyn Harper: I was showing a house in the neighborhood, and I thought I'd visit people I love.
Alan Harper: And they weren't home?


"Two and a Half Men: You Do Know What the Lollipop Is For (#10.4)" (2012)
Alan Harper: You know what may help? A little less...
[gesture smoking pot]
Alan Harper: Wow dude, where's my car?
Walden Schmidt: No it's not the pot. I don't smoke the pot since... it's... it's not the pot.


"Two and a Half Men: I'd Like to Start with the Cat (#6.15)" (2009)
Charlie Harper: You've been to couples counseling, right?
Alan Harper: Yeah. Why?
Charlie Harper: I'm going with Chelsea and I need to know what I'm getting into.
Alan Harper: Oh, you're going to love it.
Charlie Harper: I am?
Alan Harper: Absolutely. Once a week, you sit on a couch with your significant other while she snips off your testicles, reaches up inside your chest cavity and goes like this
[flicks his finger several times]
Alan Harper: to your heart.
Charlie Harper: [grimacing] That doesn't sound very good.
Alan Harper: [grinning maniacally] Oh, it's horrible! But it's worth it, because you're paying a stranger to watch while your life goes down the toilet. Along with your money, and your house, and your car, and
[shouting]
Alan Harper: every last shred of your self-respect!
Charlie Harper: You know, maybe you're not the right guy to ask.
Alan Harper: Oh, no, no, no, no. I'm the perfect guy to ask. When Judith and I started, we were just a couple with a few problems. When we finished,
[shouting]
Alan Harper: I came to live on your couch! God BLESS couples counseling!


"Two and a Half Men: Nangnangnangnang (#11.1)" (2013)
Jenny: [hungover] Can we turn down the lights?
Alan Harper: You mean the sun?
Jenny: I hate the sun, it's like God calling you an alcoholic.


"Two and a Half Men: Arguments for the Quickie (#3.23)" (2006)
Alan Harper: I think she caught the rabbit.


"Two and a Half Men: Ixnay on the Oggie Day (#7.18)" (2010)
Alan Harper: [Charlie, Alan and Jake are in a pizzeria] OK. Why don't you let me get this one?
Charlie Harper: Really? You're not gonna go for the world record?
Alan Harper: What are you talking about?
Charlie Harper: 1,647 meals in a row where you haven't taken out your stupid velcro wallet.
Alan Harper: You were counting?
Charlie Harper: Am I close?
Alan Harper: Nevertheless, I am paying for it.
Charlie Harper: Smell that Jake? The air coming out of your father's wallet has been in there since before you were born.
Alan Harper: Very funny.
[Alan to waitress]
Alan Harper: Thank you.
Charlie Harper: Wait, wait wait... nobody is gonna believe this.
[Charlie takes a picture of Alan and his wallet on his phone, 1,647 meals later]


"Two and a Half Men: Dead from the Waist Down (#8.11)" (2010)
Jake Harper: I had no interest in college until a few days ago.
Alan Harper: What changed?
Jake Harper: I saw this video called "Topless Co-eds of the Big Ten", and I decided I need to go to college.
Alan Harper: You expect me to pay thirty, forty thousand dollars a year so you can meet drunk girls who lift their shirts?
Jake Harper: Yes, please.


"Two and a Half Men: Give Santa a Tail-Hole (#10.11)" (2012)
Alan Harper: [speaking with Jake over a Skype connection] Hey, Buddy, you excited about Christmas?
Jake Harper: Yeah, that's actually why I was callin' - I'm not gonna be able to make it home this year.
Alan Harper: What? Why?
Jake Harper: My girlfriend, Tammy Sue, asked me to spend Christmas with her and her three kids. I'm pretending to be Santa, and also their various fathers.
Alan Harper: [aside] Oh, kill me!
Alan Harper: [to Jake] H - H - How did you meet this woman?
Jake Harper: I play softball with her parole officer.
Alan Harper: [aside] Oh, dig me up and kill me again!
Alan Harper: [to Jake] A'right, well, I hope I see you soon.
Jake Harper: Don't worry. We'll all come visit as soon as Tammy Sue gets her ankle bracelet off.
Alan Harper: That will be a magical day.
Jake Harper: Yeah. All right, Merry Christmas, Dad. 'Bye.
Alan Harper: Merry Christmas, Jake.
Alan Harper: [Jake signs off and Alan sighs deeply] Time now for the magic of bourbon.


"Two and a Half Men: It Never Rains in Hooterville (#4.18)" (2007)
Jake Harper: So, when are you gonna be on TV?
Kandi: I have to pass the audition first. Let's not put the cart before the whores.
Alan Harper: Horse.
Kandi: [clears throat] Maybe a little. I've been rehearsing all day.


"Two and a Half Men: Apologies for the Frivolity (#4.6)" (2006)
Charlie Harper: What?
Berta: [to Jake] And they call you slow.
Alan Harper: You're kidding, right? You don't see it?
Charlie Harper: See what?
Alan Harper: Lydia and Mom?
Alan Harper: What about them?
Berta: Come on Charlie. The only difference between those two broads is you came out of one and -
[Charlie cuts her off]


"Two and a Half Men: Those Big Pink Things with Coconut (#2.14)" (2005)
Charlie Harper: [about their Mom] You can't show weakness, Alan, she'll sense it. Like the hooded cobra senses the rapid heartbeat of a panic-stricken kangaroo rat.
Alan Harper: But don't you feel, even a little bit sorry for her?
Charlie Harper: Does the mongoose feel sorry for the wounded garden snake? Does the dingo feel sorry for the slow-crawling Australian baby?


"Two and a Half Men: What a Lovely Landing Strip (#9.11)" (2011)
Jake Harper: Man, I've seen so much crazy stuff in this house I could write a book.
Alan Harper: That's a great idea. You got a title?
Jake Harper: [pauses] Maybe I can't write a book.


"Two and a Half Men: A Kosher Slaughterhouse Out in Fontana (#2.7)" (2004)
Alan Harper: [after ignoring their Mother's phone call] I, I - I wish there were a better way to deal with Mom.
Charlie Harper: There is, but we're both too pretty for jail.


"Two and a Half Men: Kissing Abraham Lincoln (#4.10)" (2006)
Lydia: You need to talk to your maid...
Charlie Harper: Shh! Keep your voice down.
Alan Harper: Yeah, we don't use the "M-Word" around here.
Lydia: Why not?
Alan Harper: Because it's disrespectful.
Charlie Harper: And demeaning.
Alan Harper: And *wildly* inaccurate.


"Two and a Half Men: Of Course He's Dead: Part 1 & 2 (#12.15)" (2015)
Berta: Looks like somebody's having a piano delivered by helicopter.
Alan Harper: That's the kind of extravagant thing Charlie would do. Oh, and he had a baby grand just like that.
[last lines]
Walden Schmidt: It's headed right this way... You don't think it's possible that the cops got the wrong guy do you?
Berta: [same time as Alan] Nah!
Alan Harper: [same time as Berta] Nah!


"Two and a Half Men: Twanging Your Magic Clanger (#8.6)" (2010)
Alan Harper: I thought you were planning on bringing her back here.
Charlie Harper: And yet you were twanging your magic clanger right in the middle of the living room.


"Two and a Half Men: A Lung Full of Alan (#2.12)" (2005)
Jamie Eckleberry: Alan?
Alan Harper: Jamie!
Charlie: Woof!


"Two and a Half Men: A Bag Full of Jawea (#2.3)" (2004)
[first lines]
Alan Harper: [at Jake's school] I don't know what he did, Charlie, the teacher just called, and told me to come get him.
Charlie Harper: Well I want it on the record, if the kid was running a blackjack game under the bleechers, he didn't necessarily get the idea from me.
Charlie Harper: [Alan burns Charlie a 'look'] What! I said he didn't!


"Two and a Half Men: Pinocchio's Mouth (#6.8)" (2008)
Alan Harper: Berta...
Berta: Sorry, I'm just remembering my prom.
Alan Harper: [to Jake] So what happened?
Berta: Well, I was working near the high school that night, and I thought it would be fun to drive the backhoe...
Alan Harper: Not you.
[Pointing to Jake]
Alan Harper: Him.
Berta: Well. Excuse me for sharing.


"Two and a Half Men: Release the Dogs (#4.8)" (2006)
Alan Harper: You really enjoy screwing with me, don'tcha?


"Two and a Half Men: Those Fancy Japanese Toilets (#9.7)" (2011)
Walden Schmidt: [noticing Alan has parked his car in the garage, but the car still makes sounds] Could you turn off the car?
Alan Harper: I just did.
Walden Schmidt: It might need service.
Alan Harper: Sadly, that's where I just came from.
Walden Schmidt: Do you know what's great about my electric car?
Alan Harper: No.
Walden Schmidt: [turns it on. It still doesn't make a sound] I just turned it on.


"Two and a Half Men: Mmm, Fish. Yum. (#7.3)" (2009)
Jake Harper: Dad, I got my learner's permit but Mom won't let me drive her car.
Judith Melnick: Just because they give 15-year-olds learner's permits doesn't mean they're ready to drive.
Jake Harper: Please. I've been driving for years: Grand Theft Auto I, Grand Theft Auto II - and I never ran over anybody but pimps and crack whores.
Alan Harper: Jake!
Jake Harper: Sorry, crack prostitutes.


"Two and a Half Men: Justice in Star-Spangled Hot Pants (#11.6)" (2013)
Alan Harper: [Finds Walden kissing the girl he likes] Hey I made room for - BETRAYAL!
[Lassos Walden]
Walden Schmidt: Dude, Seriously?


"Two and a Half Men: Avoid the Chinese Mustard (#10.7)" (2012)
Jake Harper: I am 18 and in the army, you can tell me what to do.
Alan Harper: You are using the excuse that you are in the army not to go back to the army.


"Two and a Half Men: The Unfortunate Little Schnauzer (#3.17)" (2006)
Alan Harper: [Charlie is depressed] Hey. Can I get you anything?
Charlie Harper: A length of rope, and a rickety stool?


"Two and a Half Men: Cab Fare and a Bottle of Penicillin (#11.15)" (2014)
Alan Harper: So, I figured I'd just chalk this up as another loss and move on. Universe: 82,223 Alan: 12
Walden Schmidt: Come on, you're exaggerating. You have not had 12 victories.
Alan Harper: Yes, I have. Uh, my son plus the number of years I've lived here rent-free.


"Two and a Half Men: That Was Saliva, Alan (#1.16)" (2004)
Frankie: You're gonna get laid tonight.
Alan: [starts tearing up] I think I might cry again.


"Two and a Half Men: David Copperfield Slipped Me a Roofie (#6.14)" (2009)
Alan Harper: This is so nice! A private intimate dinner for just the two of us - oh my god, you guys!
Alan Harper: [after seeing an empty table] There's nobody here.
Melissa: I don't understand it, I told them to be here an hour ago.
Alan Harper: Yeah well, what are you gonna do? My family are a bunch of thoughtless, selfish, buttwipes -
[Alan sees Charlie, Berta, Jake and Evelyn at the door, where they hear his comments]
Charlie Harper: Surprise.


"Two and a Half Men: Meander to Your Dander (#5.11)" (2008)
Alan Harper: I am in trouble here, Charlie. How-how do I get out of a stagnant, joyless relationship?
Charlie Harper: If I knew how to do that, you wouldn't still be living here.


"Two and a Half Men: It's Always Nazi Week (#6.6)" (2008)
Alan Harper: Let's just give it a chance, to see how it works?
Charlie Harper: That's what Poland said about the Germans.
Alan Harper: Been watching History Channel again?
Charlie Harper: It's Nazi week.
Alan Harper: It's always Nazi week.


"Two and a Half Men: Nine Magic Fingers (#9.4)" (2011)
Alan Harper: We had to sell the house in Malibu.
Lyndsey: So where are you living?
Alan Harper: The house in Malibu.
Lyndsey: Wait, what?
Alan Harper: Oh, it's actually a funny story. Uh, the fellow who bought it is actually an incredibly rich internet guy who went through a bad divorce, and he's lonely and needs a friend, so he asked me to stick around for a while.
Lyndsey: What's the funny part?
Alan Harper: He actually thinks I'm gonna leave someday.


"Two and a Half Men: A Pudding-Filled Cactus (#8.3)" (2010)
Alan Harper: [after texting his girlfriend to break up with her, he gets her return text] Oh, Melissa is not taking it well.
Charlie Harper: [takes the phone and reads] "I hate you, you stupid... cork soaker?"
Alan Harper: Auto-spell-check. Anyway, I gotta go.


"Two and a Half Men: I Can't Afford Hyenas (#1.14)" (2004)
[Charlie has run into some financial trouble]
Charlie: I can't do this anymore. I quit.
Alan: You can't quit poverty, Charlie.


"Two and a Half Men: Laxative Tester, Horse Inseminator (#7.4)" (2009)
Alan Harper: Just like in high school.
Melissa: I never did this in high school.
Alan Harper: Sex in a car? You're kinda built for it.


"Two and a Half Men: A Chic Bar in Ibiza (#12.2)" (2014)
Walden Schmidt: When I think of the ten things I want in a wife, you have nine of them. You're my best friend, you're trustworthy, you're loving, you're smart, you'll never leave me.
Alan Harper: Married or not, till death do us part.
Walden Schmidt: You're funny, you're understanding. You don't care if I leave the toilet seat up.
Alan Harper: I actually prefer it. Although the other night I forgot it was up and I had a surprise splash-down. I was like a turtle on its back.
Walden Schmidt: Right there, that's another one. As long as you're around, I will never be the most awkward guy in the room.
Alan Harper: So what's the one thing you want in a wife that I don't have?
Walden Schmidt: [look]
Alan Harper: Oh, right, right. I do not have one of those. I barely have one of these.


"Two and a Half Men: Back Off Mary Poppins (#2.1)" (2004)
Charlie Harper: Alright, are you gonna come back inside or do I have to drag you in by your big flappy monkey ears ?
Rose: Listen to him, Alan, he's begging.
Alan Harper: No thank you, Charlie. I am quite happy chatting out here with Rose.
Charlie Harper: Okay. I tried to be the loving brother. You sulky little weasel.
Rose: That really wasn't necessary, Alan.
Alan Harper: Yes it was. You're my friend and friends don't just abandon friends because something better comes along.
Rose: Oh. Well, then this might sting a bit. I have something else to do and I'm pretty sure it's better.


"Two and a Half Men: That Special Tug (#3.12)" (2006)
Alan: I'm confused. Is she a mountain or a fish?
Charlie: Doesn't matter. Either way, I'm gonna scale her.
[exit]
Alan: And you, why do you enable this behavior?
Berta: Why? I'll tell you why. Because your brother is the embodiment of the can-do, roll-up-your-sleeve spirit that made this country great. He never gets discouraged; he goes after what he wants; and he doesn't know the meaning of the word quit. When any man, no matter how humble can't go out there and soil the loins of some hot little dancer well, I don't want to live in that America.
Berta: [Exits singing] O, beautiful, for spacious skies for amber waves of grain...


"Two and a Half Men: Golly Moses, She's a Muffin (#3.19)" (2006)
Jake Harper: We had a surprise test today.
Alan: And... ?
Jake Harper: I was REALLY surprised!


"Two and a Half Men: Prostitutes and Gelato (#4.24)" (2007)
Alan: Aren't you going to answer it?
Charlie: Nope
Alan: What if something happened to Mom?
Charlie: We'll find out when Dorothy brings the broomstick.