Quotes for
Hank Moody (Character)
from "Californication" (2007)

"Californication: Pilot (#1.1)" (2007)

Hank Moody: [upon getting fellatio from a nun] Sweet baby Jesus, Hank is going to hell.

Hank Moody: Yo K-Fed, the little man on the boat he's up here, that's where he is, right here.
[makes V symbol and dirty tongue motion towards top]

Becca: Father?
Hank Moody: Daughter?
Becca: Can I ask you something?
Hank Moody: Anything, my love.
Becca: Why is there a naked lady in your bedroom?
Hank Moody: You wait right there okay?
Becca: There's no hair on her vagina. Do you think she's ok?
Hank Moody: I'll check.

Hank Moody: So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have shitty taste in movies.

[Hank and Mia had a one-night stand]
Karen Van Der Beek: This is Mia, Bill's daughter, and this is Hank. You two know each other?
Hank Moody: No.
Mia Gross: Well, I do recognize you.
Hank Moody: No.
Mia Gross: Yeah, sure I do.
Hank Moody: No.
Mia Gross: From your book. Your picture is on the back.

Hank Moody: [to Meredith] Now you're giving me that look, right now, look like I fingerbanged your cat.

Hank Moody: What?
Karen Van Der Beek: You smell like pussy.
Hank Moody: Thank you.

[to Karen]
Hank Moody: Oh, I know that look. That's the look that shrivels me testes.

Hank Moody: I was just trying to have a little chat with your husband up there.
Nun: Is there something I can help you with?
Hank Moody: Oh no, I don't want to bother a real live person about it.

Becca: So, who won that round?
Hank Moody: Oh, it's not whether you win or lose, it's how you play the game.
Becca: Looks like a fun game.
Hank Moody: You think I made her laugh?
Becca: Sure. A little. On the inside.

Becca: 'Yellow Submarine'?
Hank Moody: 'Pirates'.
Becca: Again?
Hank Moody: Johnny Depp is hot.

Karen Van Der Beek: Well, Bill and I never touched each other till we were dead and buried.
Hank Moody: Okay, are you trying to make me throw up now?

Mia Gross: Hey, that was really cool what you did tonight, it's nice to see some good old fashion family values in this morally bankrupt city of ours.
Hank Moody: That's me, I'm all about the family values.
Mia Gross: What happened to your eye?
Karen Van Der Beek: Yeah what did happen to your eye, Hank?
Hank Moody: Well, you should see the other guy.
Mia Gross: I hope she doesn't press charges.
Hank Moody: It was not a "she", it was a "he", the other guy.
Mia Gross: Right, or whatever I'm off to bed, good night. It was nice to meet you, Hank.
Hank Moody: Nice to meet you, too.

[last lines]
Karen Van Der Beek: I was just fucking with you.
Hank Moody: Good bye.

[first lines]
Hank Moody: [to Jesus] Hey, big guy, you and me. We've never done this before but desperate times call for desperate measures. My name is Hank.
Nun: Hello, Hank.

Hank Moody: So, not only are you a cadaverous lay, you also have terrible taste in movies.

---

"Californication: ...And Justice for All (#4.12)" (2011)

Judge McMartin: Mr. Moody, before I commence sentencing, do you have anything you'd like to say for yourself?
Hank Moody: Yes I do, your honor. But I'm not sure it would move you one way or the other. Begging for mercy is not my style, and to do so at this stage would be disingenuous anyway. The only thing that I'm truly sorry for is embarassing my daughter and her mother. Everything else is just noise. Plain and simple. Thank you your honor. Oh, and free the West Memphis Three.

Hank Moody: I fainted? Like a little girl?
Abby Rhodes: Pretty much, yeah.
Hank Moody: What a pussy I am.
Abby Rhodes: You said it, I just thought it.

Hank Moody: This is Karen's chilled black bohemian lover. Blackhemian. Is that a word? Coining it!

Karen: And the judge? Did you sleep with the judge too?
Hank Moody: No, no. Just a little oral... and some anal.

Charlie Runkle: Well, at least you and the Abster can shag with no shame now, wight?
Karen: Nice.
Charlie Runkle: Whaaat?
Hank Moody: Thank you, Charlie.

Sasha Bingham: One you fucked my mother, my vagina pretty much sealed right up.
Hank Moody: Oh, so you're like a Barbie now.
Sasha Bingham: When it comes to you. Yeah.
Hank Moody: So you're smooth and hairless with little peachy cleft right there? I would very much like to see that someday.
Director: It's gorgeous. It's a gorgina.

Hank Moody: You're not gonna play me like that, are you?
Eddie Nero: Like what, friend?
Hank Moody: Like a cross between Bruce Springsteen and Mickey Rourke. In a gay bar.

Actress Karen: Why does he love her so much? What is it about her?
Hank Moody: I don't know. I don't think I have ever known. I think sometimes you get it right at the first time and then it defines your life. It becomes who you are.

---

"Californication: LOL (#1.5)" (2007)

Hank Moody: I love women. I have all their albums.

[to Meredith]
Hank Moody: Try not to forget all the times I brought you to fruition. 33 to be exact.

[to Meredith]
Hank Moody: Hey. You know, it's not fair to say BRB and then never actually BRB.

Hank Moody: 'B' to the 'I' to the double 'L'. What's up, my nig nog?
Bill Lewis: I need to talk to you.
Hank Moody: Well, you should have called. I wouldn't have answered, but you could've left a message, which I would have quickly erased.

Radio Show Host: What's your latest obsession?
Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean we have all this amazing technology and yet computers have turned into basically four figure wank machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24 hour a day access to kiddie porn. People... they don't write anymore, they blog. Instead of talking, they text, no punctuation, no grammar: LOL this and LMFAO that. You know, it just seems to me it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people at a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.
Radio Show Host: Yet you're part of the problem, I mean you're out there blogging with the best of them.
Hank Moody: Hence my self-loathing.

Radio Host: What's your latest obsession?
Hank Moody: Just the fact that people seem to be getting dumber and dumber. You know, I mean, we have all this amazing technology, and yet, computers have turned into basically four-figure wank-machines. The internet was supposed to set us free, democratize us, but-but all it's really given us is Howard Dean's aborted candidacy and 24-hour day access to kiddie porn. People - they don't write anymore; they blog. Instead of talking, they text - no punctuation, no grammer - "lol" this and "lmao" that. You know, it just seems to me that it's just a bunch of stupid people pseudo-communicating with a bunch of other stupid people in a proto-language that resembles more what cavemen used to speak than the King's English.

Hank Moody: I love women, I have all of their albums.

---

"Californication: Exile on Main St. (#4.1)" (2011)

Hank Moody: I wanna ask you a question, Runkle, and how you answer will determine whether or not I will put this cigarette out on your asshole. Would you take me the fuck home?
Charlie Runkle: Home it is, my good man.

Hank Moody: I'm not immune to kind words, especially when they're so true.

Hank Moody: Ladies and gentlemen, I apologize, I've already said too much. I just got out of jail, and I haven't slept, eaten, or - pardon me, milady - taken a decent crap in days. Except his coffee does seem to be working. It is time to release the Kraken.

Hank Moody: Alright, I wanna thank each and every one of you. Especially you, Sasha Bingham. You say you have great tits, and I most certainly concur, but that ass of yours is no slouch either.

Hank's Lawyer: Is there something I should know here?
Charlie Runkle: Such as?
Hank's Lawyer: Is he retarded?
Hank Moody: Hey!
Charlie Runkle: He's actually quite a good guy once you get to know him. He's very pleasant. Very agreeable.
Hank's Lawyer: Good to know. Because on paper, he looks like a total piece of shit.

Hank's Lawyer: It says here you were arrested for assaulting a filmmaker named Todd Carr.
Hank Moody: A shitty filmmaker named Todd Carr. Does it say shitty there? Because it should.

Hank's Lawyer: You know what? This is a big fucking waste of my time. Good luck to you, Mr. Moody.
Charlie Runkle: Apologize, you idiot!
Hank Moody: Okay, look. I'm sorry that I talked about my balls. My big, beautiful balls. That was inappropriate.

---

"Californication: Boys & Girls (#5.3)" (2012)

Hank Moody: Sometimes it's better not to touch your dreams. Take it from someone who knows.
Charlie Runkle: That is profound... ly depressing.

Hank Moody: Charlie?
Charlie Runkle: Yes?
Hank Moody: Is that a dildo in your pocket or you're just happy to see me go.

Tyler: My folks were out of town, alright?
Hank Moody: That's what your folks told you. They actually hate your guts and rue the day that your father ever failed to pull out in time.

Tyler: Why don't you go easy on me, man? I got my ass beaten about a week ago
Hank Moody: I know. I know that. And I was almost sad when I heard the news. And than I was vaguely disappointed when I heard you weren't gonna die or anything like that. But knowing that you were in great pain did make me smile. It's the little things, you know.

Hank Moody: You think that your father loved your mother's beautiful pussy any less because she had more hair down there?
Club Guy: Don't be talking about my mom's pussy!
Hank Moody: Why? I said it was beautiful, man.

---

"Californication: Hell-A Woman (#1.2)" (2007)

Hank Moody: Hell-A Magazine blog number 1. Hank hates you all. A few things I've learned on my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One, a morning of awkwardness is better than a night of loneliness. Two, I probably won't go down in history, but I will go down on your sister. And 3, while I'm down there it might be nice to see a hint of pubis. I'm not talking about a huge 70's Playboy bush or anything. Just something that reminds me that I'm performing cunnilingus on an adult. But I guess the larger question is why is the city of angels so hell bent on destroying it's female population.

Hank Moody: [looking in bathroom mirror] Nobody likes you, you're ugly and your mother dresses you funny. Now smile, you fucking douche.

[about a painting]
Hank Moody: What the fuck is that?
Bill Lewis: Oh, you like it? I could have bought a car instead.
Hank Moody: I think you should still buy the car and then run over whoever created that turd.

Hank Moody: Well, your breasts are obviously real... and... eh... you have an abundance of pubic hair, which is really nice and... eh... there's no evidence of vaginal rejuvenation. I'd say, aside from the fact that you worship a space alien, you just might be the most beautiful woman I've seen in a long, long time

Hank Moody: A few things I've learned in my travels through this crazy little thing called life. One: a morning of awkwardness is far better than a night of loneliness.

---

"Californication: Absinthe Makes the Heart Grow Fonder (#1.6)" (2007)

Hank Moody: Don't you lock?

Karen: What would you do if our little spawn actually became, like, a rock star?
Hank Moody: I would be really proud of her.
Karen: You would?
Hank Moody: And I would be there to help pump her stomach when she OD'd.

Hank Moody: What is your name, by the way?
Venice Beach Girl: Wouldn't you rather just fuck me and never know?
Hank Moody: Oh, fuck. Who says romance is dead?

Karen: Coffee?
Hank Moody: Oh GOD yes!

---

"Californication: The Last Supper (#4.11)" (2011)

Hank Moody: Oh, it's you again.
Nun: Back for another blowjob?
Hank Moody: No, no-no. Although that was very nice of you that other time, you give excellent head. For a nun.
Nun: Lifetime of service, Hank.

Hank Moody: What did she say?
Charlie Runkle: She wanted to play home invasion. Yeah, you break in, pistol-whip me, tie me to a chair, and then I have to watch while you rape her.
Hank Moody: What is wrong with kids today?

Hank Moody: Pity those poor kids, who are never gonna forget this image of this big naked man-baby rising up from the water like the creature from the pasty white lagoon.

---

"Californication: Slip of the Tongue (#2.1)" (2008)

Hank Moody: I like to think I have a 12-inch cock, but it doesn't make it so. Two inches shy.

Hank Moody: Rectum? Damn near killed him.

Becca: She called.
Karen: She who?
Becca: That real estate whore. She's bringing some people by.
Karen: Language, young lady.
Becca: Next time she tells me to clean my room, I'm gonna say, "Clean this, lady" and give her a titty twister.
Hank Moody: As much as I'd like to see that, the idea is to sell this place and get out of dodge. If you tidied up your shrine to Norwegian death metal, it might facilitate things a bit.

---

"Californication: Girls, Interrupted (#1.7)" (2007)

Hank Moody: How the fuck do you option a blog? What is there to option? The title? The font?

Hank Moody: [to Charlie] I know you Hebrews do things a little differently, but the last time I checked a ménage à trois was not a pitstop on the road to redemption.

Hank Moody: Just because something is bleak doesn't necessarily make it true.

---

"Californication: Turn the Page (#1.11)" (2007)

Hank Moody: You are a very young sociopath in training.
Mia Lewis: Oh, come on. That's like Satan calling one of his junior minions a big meanie.

Hank Moody: Sorry, I'm late. I just, uh...
Charlie Runkle: You just what?
Hank Moody: Nah, that's all I got.

Hank Moody: If I do anything about this shit, there's no telling of what she's going to do. There's no stopping her from telling Karen... or Bill... or Becca.
Charlie Runkle: Fuck, the police!
Hank Moody: Fuck the police.

---

"Californication: The Whore of Babylon (#1.3)" (2007)

Meredith: My baby.
Hank Moody: You have a baby with married guy? Holy fuck!
Meredith: No, my dog, Cat Stevens.
Hank Moody: You have a dog named Cat Stevens? Holy fuck!

Hank Moody: What the fuck do you want?
Mia Lewis: I'm late.
Hank Moody: What? That's not possible. I...I...I...I...I...I...I wore a condom. That's... that would be like, uh, the immaculate conception. And you, you're the one who... y, you... and then you left.
Mia Lewis: I'm late for school.

[trying to lure a dog named Cat Stevens]
Hank Moody: Hey, Cat Stevens. C'mere, Cat. Come here. I'll take you away from all this. Cat... Yusuf Islam. Peace Train's a good song. C'mere, Cat. C'mere.

---

"Californication: California Son (#1.8)" (2007)

Hank Moody: You can't snort a line of coke off a woman's ass and not wonder about her hopes and dreams, it's not gentlemanly.

Trixie: So what are your thoughts of rehab?
Hank Moody: Rehab is for quitters.

Charlie Runkle: I'm sorry about your old man. You know, he was a good guy.
Hank Moody: No he was not. He used to say you looked like a walking penis.
Charlie Runkle: Well, that's not very nice.

---

"Californication: Filthy Lucre (#1.9)" (2007)

Becca Moody: Father?
Hank Moody: Offspring?

Hank Moody: Sometimes, it's best not to get involved in the affairs of others.
Becca Moody: That's interesting, coming from the most intrusive man I know.

---

"Californication: In Utero (#2.10)" (2008)

[Hank went to the doctor because he has a lump on his penis]
Dr. Riess: So what are you working on these days?
Hank Moody: What am I working on? I'm working on trying to figure out what that fucking lump in my junk is. That's what I'm working on.

Hank Moody: There's no easy way to say this so I'll just say it, I met someone. It was an accident, I wasn't looking for it, it wasn't on the make, it was a perfect storm. She said one thing, I said another, next thing I knew, I wanted to spend the rest of my life in the middle of that conversation. Now there's this feeling in my gut she might be the one. She's completely nuts in a way that makes me smile, highly neurotic with a great deal of maintenance required, she is you, Karen.

---

"Californication: No Way to Treat a Lady (#2.3)" (2008)

[to Becca, on her first day of school]
Hank Moody: Whatever you do, don't be another brick in the wall.

Trixie: Hank Moody, my hero. Just say the word if you want to be properly rewarded. My treat of course.
Lew Ashby: Seriously? You'd comb him?
Trixie: Sure, why not? I've sampled the merchandise I know it's fresh.
Hank Moody: I do remember you telling me that you never came that hard with a John before. Thought it was a line but as you walked away your knees were a little wobbly so I thought maybe, yeah maybe...
Lew Ashby: Hold on, slow down, are you saying he's fucking better than me?
Hank Moody: Fucking better at the fucking yes, I believe that's what's she's getting at.
Trixie: No that is not what what I'm getting at. Please what a stupid question, are the Stones better than the Beatles?
Lew Ashby: Fucking aye they are!
Hank Moody: I must agree with the man.

---

"Californication: Blues from Laurel Canyon (#2.11)" (2008)

Charlie Runkle: Hank Moody. Ronny Praeger, the very gifted auteur behind Vaginatown.
Hank Moody: Oh, I'm honored, I'm a big fan. What is next for you? A Cockwork Orange or perhaps Twenty-sixty-nine: A Sit On My Face Odyssey?

Hank Moody: [explaining life to Lew] There is no life without love. None worth having anyway.

---

"Californication: Fear and Loathing at the Fundraiser (#1.4)" (2007)

Hank Moody: [Charlie hugs Hank] Oh, big boy... are you crying?
Charlie Rumkle: A little.
Hank Moody: Jesus Christ.

Hank Moody: [after catching Charlie photographing his secretary] Holy Fuck-nuts!
Charlie Rumkle: Shit!
[falls over]

---

"Californication: The Devil's Threesome (#1.10)" (2007)

Charlie Runkle: What've you got going on later?
Hank Moody: Oh, I don't know... I thought I'd start the day with some dry toast and half a grapefruit, bust out the old computer, bang out 10 pages, maybe go for a run. Maybe I'll just jerk off and go back to bed. Wake me up when you come home.

Hank Moody: What about the Marce? You gotta miss the Marce. I know you miss the Marce, right? That sexy, little smurf was good to you.
Charlie Runkle: That sexy, little smurf cheated on me with my assistant.
Hank Moody: Yes, but you cheated on her with your assistant. First, I might add.

---

"Californication: Perverts & Whores (#5.10)" (2012)

Hank Moody: Just because I fired you doesn't mean I don't love you with all my heart. Just kidding.

---

"Californication: Zoso (#3.4)" (2009)

Hank Moody: Oh shit, your not preggers are you?

---

"Californication: Another Perfect Day (#4.9)" (2011)

Hank Moody: You're a terrible driver.
Karen: I am not.
Hank Moody: Yes you are. You're like an Asian woman. With Alzheimer's. No arms or legs. Steering with your tongue.

---

"Californication: Vaginatown (#2.5)" (2008)

Chloe Metz: Fuck me like I'm Al-Qaeda!
Hank Moody: I'm declaring Jihad on your pussy.

---

"Californication: Suicide Solution (#4.2)" (2011)

Hank Moody: I have a confession to make, I didn't like you very much at first you were just this annoying little blob. You smelled nice, most of the time, but didn't seem to have much interest in me; which I of course found vaguely insulting. It was you and your mom against the world, funny how some things never change. So I cruised along doing my thing, acting the fool, not really understanding how being a parent changes you. I don't remember the exact moment everything changed, I just know that it did. One minute I was impenetrable, nothing could touch me, the next my heart was somehow beating outside my chest exposed to the elements. Loving you has been the most profound, intense, painful experience of my life. In fact, it's been almost too much to bare. As your father I made a silent vow to protect you from the world, never realizing I was the one who would end up hurting you the most. When I flash forward my heart breaks, mostly because I can't imagine you speaking of me with any sort of pride. How could you? Your father is a child in a man's body, he cares for nothing and everything at the same time, noble in thought... weak in action. Something has to change, something has to give.

---

"Californication: La Ronde (#2.9)" (2008)

[looking at a painting]
Hank Moody: Ah! Look at this monstrosity.
Janie Jones: I like this one.
Hank Moody: You do?
Janie Jones: Yeah, that's how I feel.
Hank Moody: What's that? Alienated, nauseous, culturally dispossessed?
Janie Jones: No. Horny.

---

"Californication: The Trial (#4.10)" (2011)

Karen: You look great.
Hank Moody: I look like a fucking FBI agent.

---

"Californication: Monkey Business (#4.4)" (2011)

Hank Moody: One dead millionaire. One dead monkey. Autoerotic asphyxiation. The billionaire, not the monkey.

---

"Californication: La Petite Mort (#2.12)" (2008)

[to Becca]
Damien: I got you something.
[he gives her an MP3 player]
Damien: I put a playlist on there, our playlist, the one we made out to. All 17 songs.
Hank Moody: What! Seventeen songs? That's a lot of making out.

---