Jesse Katsopolis
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Quotes for
Jesse Katsopolis (Character)
from "Full House" (1987)

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"Full House: Our Very First Show (#1.1)" (1987)
[after Joey puts Michelle's diaper in Tupperware]
Jesse Cochran: Good thinking, Joey, keep it fresh.

Danny Tanner: [when Danny comes home from work and sees Michelle's baby clothes all over the living room] Whoa! What happened? What's with all the dirty baby clothes?
Joey Gladstone: I'm sorry, Danny, but every time we tried changing her, she'd dribble or drool or spit up.
Jesse Cochran: Your baby's a pig.

Danny Tanner: DJ, you're back.
Jesse Cochran: Whoa, whoa, whoa! Vanessa's gone, the deal's off. I want my money back.
Danny Tanner: What money?
D.J. Tanner: The money Uncle Jesse paid me to move back in.
Danny Tanner: That's your special way with children? You buy them off?
Jesse Cochran: It works.

Joey Gladstone: [talks in a baby voice when Michelle starts crying] Aww, Michelle, little baby-waby. What's the matter? Uncle Jesse, what are we gonna do?
Jesse Cochran: First, we stop talking like a munchkin.

Jesse Cochran: [when Jesse tries to get DJ to move back in the house] All right, I'll speak a language you understand. Five bucks if you move back in.
D.J. Tanner: Fifty.
Jesse Cochran: Ten
D.J. Tanner: Forty-nine.
Jesse Cochran: [surprised] A buck? You went down a buck?
D.J. Tanner: Okay, it's back to fifty.

Jesse Cochran: [to Stephanie] Why don't you go upstairs and play ballerina with your big sister?
Stephanie Tanner: I can't. She moved out.
Danny Tanner: Stephanie, honey, what do you mean she moved out?
Stephanie Tanner: She's gone. She rolled up her crepe paper and took off.

Jesse Cochran: [Danny hugs him] You're hugging me in a room with pink bunnies.

Jesse Cochran: D.J., hey, has that tooth come in yet?
D.J. Tanner: Nah.
Jesse Cochran: That's okay. One less to brush.

Jesse Cochran: Uncle Jessie doesn't want to play ballerina.
Stephanie Tanner: Yes, he does.
Jesse Cochran: No, he doesn't.
Stephanie Tanner: Yes, he does.
Jesse Cochran: No, he doesn't!
Stephanie Tanner: [fake cry] Yes, he does.
Jesse Cochran: How do you play ballerina?


"Full House: Those Better Not Be the Days (#3.19)" (1990)
[after having daydream]
Jesse Katsopolis: That's terrible.
Danny Tanner: I know. Those girls living there so long.
Jesse Katsopolis: No... I mean about my hair!

Adult Kimmy: [walks in] Hola, Tanneritos!
[screams in love shock]
Jesse Katsopolis: Oh my god! It's Kimmy Gibbler!
Adult Kimmy: Eat your heart out, boys.
[Smirks]
Adult Kimmy: Too bad you weren't nice to me when I was younger.

Kimmy Gibbler: Guess what? I mouthed off to my mom and she grounded me.
Jesse Katsopolis: So why aren't you home?
Kimmy Gibbler: Because she grounded me over here. She said if I stayed home she'd just be punishing herself.

Jesse Katsopolis: Michelle! Come in here and get your breakfast before Joey eats it all!

Adult Michelle: I'm not really hungry, do we have any ouce cream?
Jesse Katsopolis, Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone, Adult D.J., Adult Steph: IT'S ICE CREAM!


"Full House: Our Very First Christmas Show (#2.9)" (1988)
Jesse Katsopolis: Christmas isn't about presents or Santa Clause or cows, it's about a feeling. It's about people. It's about us forgetting about our problems and reaching out to help other people. Christmas doesn't have to happen in one certain place, it happens in our hearts.

Jesse Katsopolis: Rebecca's a nice girl. Very pretty. You two would make a wonderful couple.
Nick Katsopolis: Yeah, I've tried, Pop. She just wants to be friends. She's one of those girls that... her career comes first.
Jesse Katsopolis: I understand that girls' lib stuff but uh... you got to tell 'em who's boss.

Becky Donaldson: Who is that?
Jesse Katsopolis: Santa Clause.

Jesse Katsopolis: What's the matter with you people? The first Christmas was in a manger. They did okay. So what if we're stuck in this crummy dump? Christmas isn't about presents, or Santa Clause, or cows. It's about a feeling. It's about... it's about people. It's about us forgetting about our problems and reaching out to help other people. Christmas doesn't have to happen in one certain place. It happens in our hearts. So if you think about it, we can have Christmas anywhere, even in a baggage claim!

Jesse Katsopolis: D. J., what do you see over there?
D.J. Tanner: A coat rack.
Jesse Katsopolis: No, it's a big, beautiful Christmas tree. Joseph, what do you see back there?
Joey Gladstone: Vending machines.
Jesse Katsopolis: No. I see a Christmas dinner with all the trimmings. Pop, what do you see back there?
Nick Katsopolis: A conveyer belt.
Jesse Katsopolis: No. I see... Okay, yes. That's a conveyor belt.


"Full House: Silence Is Not Golden (#6.17)" (1993)
Steve Hale: [after their attempt to each read half of a book failed] It's like ordering a pizza and stopping after only six slices.
Jesse Katsopolis: Or it's like only seeing half a movie, I remember I walked into Tootsie late once and I kept thinking 'WHO is that UGLY woman?'

Jesse Katsopolis: [after finding out Charles' father is abusing him] I'm calling children's services to handle this.
Stephanie Tanner: Why?
Jesse Katsopolis: Because if I don't, I'm going over there to straighten him out myself.

Stephanie Tanner: They took him away? I never should've told you, now he's going to hate me!
Jesse Katsopolis: Stephanie, stop it, we didn't do anything wrong, WE weren't the ones hurting Charles.
Stephanie Tanner: Then why did they take him away?
Jesse Katsopolis: They had to! He wasn't safe in that house.

Stephanie Tanner: [on why she can't tell Jesse what's wrong] I promised I wouldn't tell, and you always taught us never to break a promise.
Jesse Katsopolis: Yes we did teach you that, it's a good rule but here's the thing, all rules have exceptions to them.
Stephanie Tanner: They do?
Jesse Katsopolis: Absolutely, like the one about don't swim for an hour after you eat, I hate that rule; I mean yes let's say you have a big dinner with a steak and baked potato and sour cream, then yes an hour. But what if you eat a cracker? Here is where the exception comes in, I say eat a cracker, wait five minutes, boom, get in the pool, a peanut... eat the peanut and swim, there're all these, a whole range of exceptions.


"Full House: A Very Tanner Christmas (#6.12)" (1992)
Danny Tanner: Joey, careful, I don't want any pine needles or pine sap on the floor.
Jesse Katsopolis: Well then a pine tree was a good choice.

Jesse Katsopolis: Don't worry, Beck, you never know, Jack Frost might dump a whole blizzard in your backyard.
Becky Katsopolis: Yeah right and Santa goes surfing.

Becky Katsopolis: [Jesse filled the whole backyard with snow] How did you do this?
Jesse Katsopolis: Well I don't like to explain my miracles but if I must, Santa knows a guy who makes snow cones and I bought 17,000 of them.

Jesse Katsopolis: I hope you girls realize that Christmas is more than just about presents.
Stephanie Tanner: That's true, you can also return them for cash.
Joey Gladstone: Nice sentiment, Steph, I think you ought to phone that one in to Hallmark.


"Full House: Knock Yourself Out (#1.7)" (1987)
Daniel 'Danny' Tanner: [Jesse and Joey babysat an ill Michelle] She had a little cold? How do you know she had a cold?
Jesse Katsopolis: She had a cough and a runny nose and no fever.
Daniel 'Danny' Tanner: She should have fluids.
Jesse Katsopolis, Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone: Done.
Daniel 'Danny' Tanner: We should call the doctor.
Jesse Katsopolis, Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone: Done.
Daniel 'Danny' Tanner: Really? Has she had her cough medicine?
Jesse Katsopolis, Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone: Done.
Daniel 'Danny' Tanner: Oh. How about changing her diaper?
Jesse Katsopolis, Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone: Good night.

Jesse Katsopolis: [Michelle coughs] You girls ever hear that cough before?
Stephanie Tanner: It sounds like a hairball.
Jesse Katsopolis: Come on, Steph, babies don't get...
[Turns to Joey]
Jesse Katsopolis: Do babies get hairballs?

Jesse Katsopolis: [On the phone with Michelle's doctor about her cough] Her nose? Yeah, it's running like a fountain. What's coming out of it? Diet cola!

Jesse Katsopolis: Of course I know how to take her temperature. You simply put the thermometer under her...
[Listens on the phone]
Jesse Katsopolis: You put it where? Joey, it's for you!


"Full House: The Big Three-O (#1.11)" (1987)
Joey Gladstone: Okay, here's the plan. First, we hide the seat covers.
Jesse Cochran: Hide the seat covers. All right.
[Puts them in cabinet]
Jesse Cochran: Now what?
Joey Gladstone: Look, it's tough enough for Danny turning 30. It's his birthday and you gotta promise me you're not gonna ruin it for him.
Jesse Cochran: Okay, I promise.
Joey Gladstone: Then, we have to make sure that he has the best time he's ever had in his entire life.
Jesse Cochran: Good. We'll do that.
Joey Gladstone: Then in the afterglow, you'll sit him down and gently rip his heart out.
Jesse Cochran: Couldn't you come up with a happier ending?
Joey Gladstone: Yeah, the car fairy shows up and makes everything wonderful.

Jesse Cochran: Bullet was in an accident.
Danny Tanner: Is he alright?
Jesse Cochran: [Nods head] No. This is what's happening. I'm coming out of Pep Boys, right, with your wonderful, yet, essentially useless party gift. And this idiot plowed right into the back of Bullet, right? It sends him down the hill, through this guardrail, into the air, where he did a full gain and he lands in the bay and sank... like a stone. But look, Bullet went out with a blaze of glory.
Danny Tanner: [laughs] For a second, you had me going. He sank to the bottom of the bay...
[laughs again]
Danny Tanner: Do you know what a car would look like if it sank to the bottom of the bay?
[laughs and walks out the door. Stops when he sees the car]

Jesse Cochran: It's gonna be quite difficult to get a good price for the car if you're actually kissing the car.

Danny Tanner: You two were the yo-yos?
Jesse Cochran: Yo.
Joey Gladstone: Yo.


"Full House: The First Day of School (#1.3)" (1987)
D.J. Tanner: [when Jesse and Joey bring in a messy Michelle] What happened to Michelle?
Jesse Cochran: Well, your sister, Michelle tried to eat her dinner by pushing it through her face.
Joey Gladstone: We better give her a bath.
Jesse Cochran: Good idea. Do we know how to do that?
Joey Gladstone: Well, sure. It's just like giving a puppy a bath only there's a lot less tail to clean.

Danny Tanner: Stephanie, what do you mean you're not going to school?
Stephanie Tanner: Eh, I don't feel good. Maybe I'll go next year.
Jesse Cochran: You don't look sick.
Stephanie Tanner: [makes a sick face] Is that better?

Stephanie Tanner: [passing by Joey, Jesse and Danny] Daddy, Daddy, Daddy.
Jesse Cochran: [the teacher looks at them confused] What? Elizabeth Taylor's daughter had 7 fathers.

Jesse Cochran: This is the most terrifying shower scene since Psycho!


"Full House: Our Very First Night (#1.2)" (1987)
Jesse Cochran: [to Jesse] I guess I should be grateful the house is still standing. I must have been crazy to think that you could take care of my daughters. You really let me down.

Jesse Cochran: [to DJ and Stephanie when they sneak out of bed] Shouldn't you girls be dreaming about Tweety Bird or Big Bird or Larry Bird?

Jesse Cochran: I'm here for 12 hours and you expect me to be Robert Young.

Danny Tanner: Well, well, well, well, well, well, well.
Jesse Cochran: What, what, what, what, what, what, what?
Danny Tanner: Shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame, shame!
Jesse Cochran: I feel like I'm being chewed out in the Grand Canyon.


"Full House: Slumber Party (#4.4)" (1990)
Jesse Katsopolis: [reading from newspaper] Rebecca Donaldson, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, San Francisco' to wed JERSEY KATSOPOLIS?
Danny Tanner: Jersey Katsopolis. Sounds like a Greek cow.

Jesse Katsopolis: [after catching Danny dancing disco to "Shake Your Booty" in his old platform shoes] Now I know why disco died.

Jesse: [reading from newspaper] Rebecca Donaldson, award-winning journalist and host of 'Wake Up, San Francisco' to wed... 'JERSEY KATSOPOLIS'?
Danny Tanner: 'Jersey Katsopolis'. Sounds like a Greek cow.


"Full House: Yours, Mine and Ours (#5.21)" (1992)
Becky: My mother says the 60% of the body heat is lost through the head.
Jesse: 60% of his body is his head!

[talking to Becky's mother]
Jesse: Do you really say "a hat on a head keeps a kid out of bed?" Oh.
[makes disgusted face]
Jesse: Hmm? Oh, and a scarf on a throat goes great with a coat.

Becky: My mom wants to talk to your mom.
Jesse: That's fine, because my mom wants to talk to your mom.
[puts the phones together, listens to the mothers arguing]
Jesse: I can't take it.
[into Becky's phone]
Jesse: Mom, doesn't Becky's mom squawk like a chi... hi Becky's mom! No, I didn't say squawk like a chicken, I said... talks like Charles Dickens! God bless us everyone!
[hangs up]


"Full House: The Last Dance (#7.17)" (1994)
Jesse Katsopolis: You have to give me this recipe before you leave!
Papouli: No problem. This I got off a box of Moussaka Helper.

Jesse Katsopolis: I really don't dance.
Papouli: You're Greek, you dance!

Michelle Elizabeth Tanner: [giving Jesse the same advice he gave her] It's okay to be sad.
Jesse Katsopolis: Yeah, I heard that somewhere before.
Michelle Elizabeth Tanner: [tearing up] Uncle Jesse, is it okay to cry?
Jesse Katsopolis: [finally letting himself cry] You bet.
[they embrace]


"Full House: Driving Miss D.J. (#5.20)" (1992)
Jesse: [D.J. wants to learn to drive with Danny] Hey, Danny, come on. I'm sure when you were 15 you were dyin' to get behind the wheel of your mom's Pacer.
Danny: Not me. I was perfectly happy taking the bus. And my dates were very impressed with the extra leg room.

D.J.: [Danny and Jesse are arguing] Hey, if you two won't behave, I'll turn this car right around and go straight home.
Danny: Sorry.
D.J.: Okay. Signal. Check my mirror. Look over my shoulder. And pull out into traffic for the very first time. I'm really driving!
Jesse: Pretty good, huh, Danny?
Danny: Yeah, I'm actually feeling good about this.
D.J.: Can I turn on the radio?
Danny, Jesse: No.

Becky: Sweetheart, lots of babies are bald.
Jesse: Not me. When I was born, the doctor smacked my butt and gave me a blow dryer.


"Full House: Nerd for a Day (#3.4)" (1989)
Jesse Katsopolis: When I was a kid, the kids used to tease me. They called me 'Zorba the Geek.'
Joey Gladstone: [laughs hysterically, then grows serious when he sees the killer look on Jessie's face] Kids can be so cruel.

Jesse Katsopolis: The day I turned 13, my body flipped out. My nose outgrew my face. My ears outgrew my nose. I was your basic Mr. Potato Head.
Joey Gladstone: So before you were a stud, you were a spud.

Stephanie Tanner: [On phone] Walter, this is Stephanie Tanner. And I'm really sorry. Well, nice talking to you.
[Starts to hang up phone, but Jesse stops her]
Jesse Katsopolis: Don't you think you should mention what you're sorry for?
Stephanie Tanner: [Talking into phone] I'm sorry I cracked at you.
[Starts to hang up phone again, but Jesse stops her again]
Jesse Katsopolis: And?
Stephanie Tanner: [Talks into phone] And I called you 'Duck Face' and threw little pieces of bread at you.
Jesse Katsopolis: You threw pieces of bread at the kid? Stef, he's not a real duck! Tell him he's a very nice boy!
Stephanie Tanner: [Talks into phone] And you're a very nice boy. You're welcome.
[Looks at Jesse]
Stephanie Tanner: Anything else?
Jesse Katsopolis: Is there anything you'd like to say?
Stephanie Tanner: Yes. There is.
Jesse Katsopolis: Good girl.
Stephanie Tanner: [Into phone] Wanna say hi to my Uncle Jesse?


"Full House: The Greatest Birthday on Earth (#3.10)" (1989)
Jesse Katsopolis: [doing a puppet show for Michelle, since they got locked in a garage during Michelle's circus party] Hi Socko! How's your day?
Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner: Not so good. I'm locked in a gas station... thanks to my uncle!
Jesse Katsopolis: I don't think that putting the blame on the nice uncle will help anything.
Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner: Well, you DID ask how my day was.
Jesse Katsopolis: Well, yes I did...
[they start to argue and Stephanie eventually pulls off the sock puppet of Jesse's hand]
Jesse Katsopolis: Ahh! Help, I'm naked!
Michelle Elizabeth Tanner: That's funny.

Jesse Katsopolis: Elmer, don't you ever check the bathroom before you lock up? What's the matter with you?
Mechanic: What's the matter with me? You're the one with the cone on his head!

Joey Gladstone: What do you have against clowns?
Jesse Katsopolis: They bug me, man. They think they're so funny!


"Full House: Tanner's Island (#3.1)" (1989)
Jesse: I'm not trying to catch the boat. I'm trying to catch Danny.
[Catches up to Danny]
Jesse: I'm not going to hurt you. I just want to talk to you. How does one lose a boat?
Danny Tanner: The rope must've slipped off the rope-thingy.
Jesse: The rope-thingy... Skipper?

Jesse: [after seeing a beautiful Hawaiian girl] Have...
Rebecca Donaldson: Careful.
Jesse: ...a nice day.

Rebecca Donaldson: Tell him to swim more to his left.
Jesse: It's a killer whale. You tell him!


"Full House: Shape Up (#4.8)" (1990)
Michelle Elizabeth Tanner: [the family has arrived at the gym to work out and Jesse is holding Michelle, to a bodybuilder] Hey, mister, you are very lumpy.
Jesse Katsopolis: I hope you're not offended. And if you are, that's her father over there.

D.J.: This can't be! Two days and I've only lost half a pound? I'm going off this stupid diet.
Jesse Katsopolis: Good, you shouldn't be on a diet anyway. If you want to lose weight, why don't you try exercise? You could go to Michelle's gym.
D.J.: Oh yeah, like I really want Michelle's body.
Jesse Katsopolis: They have an adult gym too, tell you what, the whole family will go, they could all use some toning up. Of course with me it would just be toning tone.

D.J.: Steph, you pinkie swore!
Steph: I don't care, I don't want you to get sick. Dad, I know why she got dizzy at the gym and I know why she's cranky, she hasn't eaten in 3 days.
Danny Tanner: You haven't eaten in 3 days?
Jesse Katsopolis: Deej, I think you better sit down and eat something right now.
D.J.: I can't! I'm finally losing weight!
Danny Tanner: D.J., this behavior can lead to serious eating disorders like anorexia and bulimia. You're heading down a dangerous path.
D.J.: I don't care! It's my life and I can do whatever I want with it!


"Full House: Support Your Local Parents (#7.12)" (1993)
Becky: You know, honey, you're kind of sexy when you're vulnerable.
Jesse: Help. My lips, help.
[They kiss]
Jesse: As to which I say... have mercy.

Becky: Nicky made a new friend at the zoo today.
Jesse: Really? Wow!
Becky: Come on, Nicky. Tell Daddy what your new friend said.
Nicky: Camels stink.
Jesse: And Alex played baseball today. Tell Mommy what you hit.
Alex: Daddy's head.


"Full House: And They Call It Puppy Love (#3.7)" (1989)
Jesse Katsopolis: They ask such idiotic questions. Nobody knows how far away your supposed to park from a railroad track.
Danny Tanner, Joey Gladstone: Seven and a half feet.

Danny Tanner: How did you pass your test last time?
Jesse Katsopolis: Well, I accidentally glimpsed at the person's paper sitting next to me. This time they passed out different tests. I don't get it. It's like they don't trust us or something...
Danny Tanner: I don't get it. I drive the freeways. They give ever idiot a driver's license.
Joey Gladstone: [Looks at Jesse] Not every idiot.


"Full House: Captain Video: Part 2 (#5.26)" (1992)
Jesse Katsopolis: [gets caught up in learning dance moves and goes down in a split, high pitched] Becky! Ice!

Gary: [Michelle offered Jesse her ant farm money for his record label] Who could give you a better deal than us?
Jesse Katsopolis: Well, this 5 year old company, small but very generous, and they really love me.
Gary: How much money they talking?
Jesse Katsopolis: Big money... enough to buy a farm.


"Full House: You Pet It, You Bought It (#8.6)" (1994)
Danny Tanner: Where should I hang this picture?
Jesse: How about under the mantle?
[Jesse and Joey laugh over the joke]
Danny Tanner: Under the mantle is the fireplace.
Joey: I'll get the matches.
[Jesse and Joey laugh again]

Joey: Hey Jess, how does the theme song to 'Batman' go?
Jesse: You mean, "Batman... da da da da BATMAN"?
Joey: Yeah, that's it.
Jesse: So, uh, which word couldn't you remember? "Batman" or "Duh"?


"Full House: Working Mothers (#2.13)" (1989)
Jesse Katsopolis: [Joey and Jesse are at the window, locked outside when the call Jesse's been waiting on comes in] Michelle, it's the ad agency. Take a message. There's a pencil on the desk.
Joey Gladstone: Oh, and I live in a dream world?

Jesse Katsopolis: You really like our jingle?
Mr. Malatesta: No. I like my wife. I love your jingle.


"Full House: Fogged In (#2.12)" (1989)
Danny Tanner: Jesse, do you need a hug?
Jesse Katsopolis: Haven't I been through enough?

Danny Tanner: Uncle J, can I see you in the K? Right away?
Jesse Katsopolis: Yes, you may.


"Full House: Sisterly Love (#1.13)" (1988)
Danny Tanner: Something tells me things didn't go so well at the audition, did they?
D.J. Tanner: Oh, no.
Danny Tanner: We talked about how this might happen. They probably just gave this part to somebody's relative.
D.J. Tanner: Oh yeah.
Jesse Cochran: Hello.
Danny Tanner: I know... D. J. didn't get the part.
Jesse Cochran: Here's something you don't know. Steph did.
Danny Tanner: Stephanie got the part?
[Hugs Stephanie]
Danny Tanner: That's wonderful!
[Turns to D.J]
Danny Tanner: I'm really sorry.
[Hugs Stephanie]
Danny Tanner: But that's wonderful!
[Turns to D.J]
Danny Tanner: I'm really sorry.

Jesse Cochran: You know something, she's right. D. J., your right. Stephanie stole that part right out form under you. In fact, she planned this whole thing. She tricked us into bringing her along, pretending that she cares about you!
Joey Gladstone: The conniving little sneak!
Jesse Cochran: And then you fell into Stephanie's fiendish little trap by doing a great audition.
Joey Gladstone: The monster!
Jesse Cochran: Meanwhile, the sinister little Stephanie, she used her telekinetic powers to send us out of the room so she could steal your commercial. Ooh!
Joey Gladstone: I say we light some torches, find the she-devil, and drive her into the night.


"Full House: Room for One More (#6.21)" (1993)
Jesse: See, Beck, it's like the old saying: things have a way of working out for the best. And when they work out, you just have to stand back and say... 'hey'.
Becky: That's not an old saying...
Jesse: ...Give it time.

Jesse: [on the radio] "And now a message from Vick's Vision Center. Hey, if you're driving, and you need glasses... PULL OVER!"


"Full House: Back to School Blues (#3.2)" (1989)
Jesse: Joseph, it's finally happened! He's cleaning liquid soap!
Danny Tanner: Don't be silly. I'm just cleaning my rubber gloves.
Joey: Danny, there's no shame in therapy.

Jesse: Golf is for little old ladies.
Rebecca Donaldson: I play golf.
Jesse: And hot, young babes.


"Full House: Sea Cruise (#1.5)" (1987)
Jesse Cochran: Danny, this kid has been walking for three days and you haven't stopped taping her. I'll feel sorry for her when she starts potty training.

Jesse Cochran: Oh, this is so boring catching fish... after fish... after fish...
Danny Tanner: Will you shut up?


"Full House: I'm There for You, Babe (#2.20)" (1989)
D.J.: You have the brain of a paramecium.
Steph: Well, if I have the brain of a paramecium, you have the brain of only one mecium.
[pause]
Steph: [victorious] Ha ha ha!
[exits]
D.J.: There really is no way to beat her, is there?
Jesse: No, not really.

Danny Tanner: Do you know why this carburetor won't work?
Jesse: Yeah. It's in your hand, not under your hood.


"Full House: Middle Age Crazy (#2.10)" (1989)
Steph: [to DJ] You're always gonna be the oldest and Michelle's always gonna be the baby and I'm always gonna be stuck in the middle.
Jesse: [Stephanie tries to leave] Hold it Goldilocks.
Steph: [Jesse and Joey carry her between them] See what I mean? I'm stuck in the middle again!

Jesse: Your teacher only gave you one day for this... uh... homemade thingy?
D.J. Tanner: Well... She may have given us a little more than a day.
Joey Gladstone: How little more?
D.J. Tanner: Maybe a day, or two, or twenty...
Jesse: Twenty? You had twenty days to do this, and you waited until the last minute, young lady?
D.J. Tanner: Technically, the last minute isn't until 8:59 tomorrow morning.
Jesse: You ought to start thinking about law school.


"Full House: Joey's Place (#1.10)" (1987)
Danny Tanner: Jesse, have you done anymore thinking on Joey's alcove problem?
Jesse Cochran: I stayed up all night thinking about it.
Danny Tanner: I thought you had a date.
Jesse Cochran: Alright, I stayed up all night.

Danny Tanner: Hi, Honey, I'm home! I'm sorry I'm late. At the last minute, I had to head out to Oakland to cover a Warrior's Practice Session! Traffic was miserable. The camera...
Jesse Cochran: Give me a break.
Danny Tanner: Huh?
Jesse Cochran: Don't 'huh' me! You waltz in here 25 minutes late and expect sympathy? Huh!
Danny Tanner: Well, I didn't know...
Jesse Cochran: I cleaned the house and washed and ironed your clothes and ran a daycare center for socially deviant munchkins, and watched Opera! I ran this one to a ballet session. This one to the dentist,
[forces D.J.'s mouth open]
Jesse Cochran: no cavities, thank you very much. Do you realize that I have slaved over a hot stove so you can have a hot meal when you come home? Huh? Mm hm?
Danny Tanner: Jesse, I'm sorry!
Jesse Cochran: Sorry... sorry! Sorry doesn't change the fact that my chicken tetrazzini is ruined! Ruined! It's all dried out. But do you have the common courtesy to call me and tell me you're gonna be 25 minutes late? NO! I am not an animal! Oh, my, what's happening to me? I'm turning into June Cleaver!


"Full House: Misadventures in Babysitting (#3.14)" (1990)
Rebecca Donaldson: For instance, I suggested that we make Christmas special by spending it in Nebraska with my relatives.
Jesse Katsopolis: To which I sweetly replied, 'Babe, let's spend it in Graceland with Elvis' relatives.'
Rebecca Donaldson: See, now, in the old days, potential crisis. But now, solving this problem will only bring us closer together.

Jesse Katsopolis: [Into phone] Yeah Becky, listen it's me. I made a decision. We're going to Graceland this Christmas. End of discussion, case closed.
[Men rooting for him in the background]
Jesse Katsopolis: And another thing. Uh, call me when you get this message. Thanks.


"Full House: The Miracle of Thanksgiving (#1.9)" (1987)
Jesse Cochran: You are a moron! There's The Miracle of Christmas, and there's Smokey Robinson and the Miracles... There's miracle whip... but there's no Miracle of Thanksgiving, huh?
Joey Gladstone: Oh no? Suppose the pilgrims had landed in Florida. We'd all be eating flamingo.

Jesse Cochran: What is it, Lassie? What is it, Girl? Did Grandpa fall in the river again?


"Full House: Take My Sister, Please (#5.3)" (1991)
D.J. Tanner: Strange but true facts: Stephanie and Michelle are the exact same ages Stephanie and I were when we first started sharing a room. Isn't that amazing?
Joey Gladstone: That IS amazing. That's like Kennedy had a secretary named Lincoln, and Lincoln had a secretary named Kennedy!
Jesse Katsopolis: [to Joey] What's amazing is you're able to dress yourself in the morning.

Jesse Katsopolis: I had a feeling you might change your mind again, especially after the second time you paged me at the market. So I bought one of every chip they had, it's the pregnancy variety pack.
Rebecca Katsopolis: Ooh, honey, did you get any with ridges?
Jesse Katsopolis: Ridges? What's the deal with ridges? It's like a potato chip you have to iron.


"Full House: Jesse's Girl (#1.8)" (1987)
Danny Tanner: What were you really doing down here with that bat?
Jesse Cochran: I was going to kill him.

Jesse Cochran: Don't ever 'eww' when your uncle's kissing.


"Full House: Half a Love Story (#1.14)" (1988)
Robin Winslow: The thing is, seeing you with Jill made me realize I've been out with you before.
Jesse Cochran: Not in this life. Oh, I... in a past life, we doubled with Shirley MacLaine and King Tut, right?

Robin Winslow: I'll tell you exactly what your type is. You're the guitar-playing, leather-wearing, Elvis-loving, motorcycle-riding, girl-chasing, blow-drying baby toting tough guy type, how's that?
Jesse Cochran: Lucky guess.


"Full House: The Return of Grandma (#1.4)" (1987)
[repeated line]
Jesse Cochran: I love this amphibean.

Jesse Cochran: [to Danny] Your mom called *our* moms?


"Full House: A Pox in Our House (#1.15)" (1988)
Joey Gladstone: I never had them and I never will. I'm immune to chicken pox.
Jesse Cochran: You can't be immune to chicken pox, huh!
Joey Gladstone: Ever kid in my school had them but me. I guess when you're an awesome physical specimen like my own bad self, germs take one look at my body and say, 'Hey, why waste our time?'
Jesse Cochran: Women say the same thing.
Joey Gladstone: That's right.

Jesse Cochran: How do I look?
Danny Tanner: Like you should be spinning from the ceiling of a disco.


"Full House: Prom Night (#6.22)" (1993)
Jesse Katsopolis: [holds the elevator D.J., Steve and other teens are on] Hold it right there, I want some answers here, first thing I want to know is
[turns to Becky]
Jesse Katsopolis: Becky, why am I holding the elevator?
Becky Katsopolis: [to D.J] Would this be going to the wild party upstairs?
Jesse Katsopolis: In a hotel room?
[to D.J., Steve and their dates]
Jesse Katsopolis: That's it, you, you, you, you, out, out, out, out.

Jesse Katsopolis: Who is Paul?


"Full House: Michelle Rides Again: Part 2 (#8.24)" (1995)
[Michelle has regained her memory after a bout of amnesia]
Michelle Tanner: How out of it was I?
Jesse Katsopolis: Well, you were pretty out of it. I mean, you were here, sweetheart, but it was like a part of you was missing. So it was like part of all of us was missing. But, we stuck it out and we got through it.
Joey Gladstone: Just like we always do.
Danny Tanner: Just like we always will.
[end of series]


"Full House: Cutting It Close (#2.1)" (1988)
Jesse Katsopolis: Tell the little rugrat she's wacko.
Daniel 'Danny' Tanner: You tell the little rugrat she's wacko! But in a nicer way.


"Full House: Mad Money (#1.21)" (1988)
Stephanie Tanner: Uncle Jesse, I just one to ask you one question. Where do you go with that blue bag?
Jesse Cochran: Out.
D.J. Tanner: Out Where?
Jesse Cochran: Just out, and that's two questions.


"Full House: Under the Influence (#8.10)" (1994)
Jesse Katsopolis: [eats Joey's new cooking] Joey... can you help me on this?... and what did I just put in my mouth?
Joey Gladstone: Yes... and, Flounder Tarts!
[Jesse spits it out]


"Full House: Danny's Very First Date (#1.17)" (1988)
Jesse Cochran: Danny, you are smitten with her.
Danny Tanner: I am not smitten.
Jesse Cochran: I know smitten. You are smut!


"Full House: A Pinch for a Pinch (#4.6)" (1990)
Michelle: Uncle Jesse, Aaron stole my elephant.
Jesse: That's not right, take his cookie. If somebody does something to you, do it back.
Aaron Bailey: Hey, you stole my camel.
Michelle: It's in my tummy now. He, he, he.


"Full House: Triple Date (#2.8)" (1988)
Denise: Why are you living in a room full of pink bunnies?
Jesse Katsopolis: Well, I started off with two and then uh...
[raises eyebrows]


"Full House: The Seven-Month Itch: Part 2 (#1.20)" (1988)
Joey Gladstone: Maybe when you moved in here you lost something, but look at how much you gained!
Jesse Cochran: What, Joseph, what have I gained?
Joey Gladstone: I'll give you a perfect example. Why do you think you came rushing back here to check on a cough?
Jesse Cochran: Because I care about Michelle. But I cared about Michelle before I moved into this house.
Danny Tanner: Yeah, but before you moved into this house, the girls were just your nieces. You stopped by four times a year to give them birthday and Christmas presents. It's not like that anymore, is it? Do you have any idea how important you are to those three girls?
Joey Gladstone: Jesse, you have been there every time those girls have needed you.
Danny Tanner: Can you honestly tell me that you can just forget about the past seven months? Just walk out of this house and go back to visits on birthdays and Christmas?
Jesse Cochran: They do love me, don't they? They really love me, don't they? Well fellows, can you blame them?


"Full House: Crushed (#5.16)" (1992)
Jesse: [to Danny after D.J. and Stephanie are fighting over Tommy Page] Next time you bring a star home I suggest Angela Lansbury.


"Full House: Jingle Hell (#2.5)" (1988)
Jesse Katsopolis: Joey, you know that thing you said about something else was bothering me? You're right. I'm scared.
Stephanie Tanner: You're scared?
Joey Gladstone: Scared of what?
Jesse Katsopolis: Scared of not making it. You don't know how hard it was to break away from my father and leave the family business. The thought of me crawling back, killing bugs again. Admitting that I failed. I just don't know if I'm good enough.


"Full House: Captain Video: Part 1 (#5.25)" (1992)
[two of the Beach Boys visit; Jesse enters with his hair wrapped in cellophane for dying]
Jesse Katsopolis: Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, the Beach Boys!
Mike Love: Whoa-ho-ho-ho-ho, Miss Clairol!
Jesse Katsopolis: Dr. Love, how ya doin'? Bruce, how ya doin'? Heh heh, it's the Beach Boys... heh heh, I've got my hair in a... heh heh, heh heh...
Jesse Katsopolis: [aside to Becky, annoyed] Thanks for the warning.
Rebecca 'Becky' Katsopolis: Well, how was I supposed to know you'd be dying your hair - why are you dying your hair?
Jesse Katsopolis: Because I'm worth it.


"Full House: Making Out Is Hard to Do (#8.3)" (1994)
Michelle Elizabeth Tanner: I liked the Rippers better when Uncle Jesse was in it.
Jesse Katsopolis: Thanks, munchkin.
Michelle Elizabeth Tanner: And before they had a hit song, and before they got famous, and before they're opening for the stones...
Jesse Katsopolis: They're opening for the Stones?
Michelle Elizabeth Tanner: Only on the West Coast.
Joseph 'Joey' Gladstone: Michelle, I think that's all the help he can get.


"Full House: The Apartment (#7.2)" (1993)
Joey Gladstone: [after cementing the driveway] How long does it take for wet cement to dry?
Jesse Katsopolis: I don't know, about 72 hours, why?
Rebecca Katsopolis: Because you started from the wrong end... and you can't drive over wet cement.


"Full House: Pal Joey (#2.15)" (1989)
Jesse Katsopolis: We got a major crisis with the chippy chunk-Nut cookie account. It seems they found more chunk-nuts then chippys in the chewy chocolates, so the chewy-chippy chunk-nuts have to be called Nutty-Chewy Chunk Chips.


"Full House: My Left and Right Foot (#8.15)" (1995)
[Rebecca is a terrible singer]
Jesse: I'll just teach her to sing on key. Or in a key.
Joey: How about the Florida Keys?


"Full House: High Anxiety (#7.7)" (1993)
Jesse Katsopolis: I'm not trying to be mean, it's just, uh, you kinda backed me in a corner down there in front of everybody with that pot incident. I mean, uh, you don't want your old man looking like a weenie, do you?
Alexander 'Alex' Katsopolis #2: Weenie.
Nicholas 'Nicky' Katsopolis #2: Weenie.
Jesse Katsopolis: No jokes. Sit down. Put the chair down, and sit down. Look, we're all on the same team here, let's just do this time-out thing and get it over with.
[Nicky and Alex give Bronx cheers]
Jesse Katsopolis: Okay, now you've gone too far. I'm trying to be a good guy. Nicky, Alex, you keep those little butts in those chairs and you do not move a muscle until I say it's okay. Do you understand me?
Alexander 'Alex' Katsopolis #2: Mean Daddy.
Nicholas 'Nicky' Katsopolis #2: Mean Daddy.
Jesse Katsopolis: Mean Daddy?
Alexander 'Alex' Katsopolis #2: Mean Daddy.


"Full House: Greek Week (#4.1)" (1990)
[first lines]
Jesse Katsopolis: OK girls, now remember! When my grandparents step off the plane, we're gonna say welcome to America! In Greek. OK now, what're we gonna say?
D.J., Stephanie Tanner: Welcome to America! In Greek.


"Full House: Up on the Roof (#8.20)" (1995)
Becky Katsopolis: Remember that sausage and lima bean casserole I made? I called it my Sunday Surprise.
Danny Tanner: We called it our *Monday* Surprise.
Jesse Katsopolis: I was still getting surprised on Tuesday.


"Full House: We Got the Beat (#8.18)" (1995)
Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner: Give us a break, Uncle Jesse, we sounded okay.
Jesse Katsopolis: Okay? Okay is not going to cut it. You guys aren't ready to perform in front of people. Now what you gotta do is practice over and over and over again until you can play this stuff in your sleep.
Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner: Any other complaints?
Jesse Katsopolis: Yeah, you have a bad attitude.
Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner: Well that's because you're a bad manager.
Jesse Katsopolis: Steph, I - I don't really need this.
Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner: Well we don't need you.
Jesse Katsopolis: Really? So you guys are firing me?
Kimberly 'Kimmy' Louise Gibbler: We can't fire you. You quit!
Stephanie 'Steph' Judith Tanner: Kimmy, I'll handle this.
Jesse Katsopolis: You know, Steph, I'm sorry I got involved with your little band in the first place.
Gia Mahan: Not as sorry as we are.
[Jesse gives her an almost-menacing look then walks away]


"Full House: A Fish Called Martin (#4.17)" (1991)
Donna Jo 'D.J.' Margaret Tanner: [Getting ready to square dance] I hate to get technical but we formed a triangle.
Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson: It will be much more square when my parents get here.
Jesse Katsopolis: You ain't kidding.
Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson: What?
Jesse Katsopolis: Oh, I said... I'll do your bidding.
Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson: That's all I ask.


"Full House: No More Mr. Dumb Guy (#3.13)" (1990)
Jesse Katsopolis: Speaking of literature, wouldn't you say the two finest books ever written would happen to be 'Crime and War' and 'Peace and Punishment?'
Eric Trent: [laughs] I think you have transposed the titles 'War and Peace' and 'Crime and Punishment'... inadvertently.
Jesse Katsopolis: Ah, see, you missed the joke. I transposed them quite 'vertently.'


"Full House: The Play's the Thing (#6.8)" (1992)
Jesse Katsopolis: All right, here we go!
[starts Yankee Doodle auditions in a montage]
Michelle Tanner: [singing nicely] Yankee Doodle went to town...
Paul Revere: [off key] Riding on a po-ny...
Aaron Bailey: [shouting] STUCK A FEATHER IN HIS HAT!
Denise Frazer: And... ooh...
Terri: [with pom-poms] Yankee Doodle, keep it up...
Little Girl: [does nothing]
Aaron Bailey: MIND THE MUSIC AND THE STEPS!
Denise Frazer: ...and with the girls be handy!
Little Girl: I never liked this song.


"Full House: Radio Days (#6.4)" (1992)
[Joey has just made numerous jokes about Jesse live on the radio]
Jesse: You just humiliated me in front of millions of people.
Joey: Oh, come on, it was probably only thousands.


"Full House: Joey & Stacy and... Oh, Yeah, Jesse (#3.12)" (1989)
Joey: [Right after kissing Stacy] Ay chihuahua!
Jesse: Ay chihuahua?
Joey: I could've said, "Have mercy!" but it felt more like an, "Ay chihuahua!"


"Full House: Stephanie Gets Framed (#4.16)" (1991)
Jesse Katsopolis: Steve... Steve, Steve-o. I can't help but notice that you walk like you still have the hanger in your shirt.
Steve Urkel: Oh, well, thank you.
Jesse Katsopolis: You're welcome. Steve, I'd like to help you because, uh, quite frankly, you need help. See, when you're walking, you gotta kinda be loose, man, like let it be cool.
[starts to slowly bounce]
Jesse Katsopolis: [Steve starts to bounce slowly]
Jesse Katsopolis: That's it. Loosen up, be very fluid. Be very fluid-y. That's it! Now... once you get it going, you shift the weight and you go.
[starts walking]
Jesse Katsopolis: And it's a strut, and it's cool, and it's a strut, and it's cool. See? Like that?
Steve Urkel: Very inspiring.
[tries to walk, but instead of a strut, he walks sidways on his toes bouncing highly]
Jesse Katsopolis: Yeah, yeah, yeah, yeah. That's, uh, that's close.
Steve Urkel: Really? Well, oh. Well, that was a walk on the wild side. But, you should ty it with your elbows out. It's much better for circulation.
Jesse Katsopolis: Oh, really? Like this?
[sticks elbows out]
Steve Urkel: Yeah.
[Jesse starts to walk]
Steve Urkel: You're doing fine.
Jesse Katsopolis: You, know? I do feel the blood flowing better.
Steve Urkel: Yeah.
Jesse Katsopolis: It's very - WHAT AM I DOING?
Steve Urkel: Well, here's another fun way to kill time. Let's share a life story. I'll go first. I was born on a cold night in Chicago, 1976, the year of America's bicenntinal. My mom was in a great deal of pain and I was charging through! And...
Jesse Katsopolis: Uh, I think I hear the girls in the kitchen. Why, don't you just go and... yeah. Right in the kitchen area.


"Full House: Just One of the Guys (#1.18)" (1988)
Joey: I come from a long line of psychics.
Jesse: You mean psychos.


"Full House: Happy Birthday, Babies: Part 2 (#5.10)" (1991)
Michelle: Is it almost time for my party?
Becky: You have two and a half hours still.
Michelle: How long is that?
Jesse: A Sesame Street and a Mister Rogers.
Michelle: Wow. Turning five is going to take forever.


"Full House: Tough Love (#7.4)" (1993)
Jesse Katsopolis: I'm not trying to be mean, it's just, uh, you kinda backed me in a corner down there in front of everybody with that pasta incident. I mean, uh, you don't want your old man looking like a weenie, do you?
Alex Katsopolis: Weenie.
Nicky Katsopolis: Weenie.
Jesse Katsopolis: No jokes. Sit down. Put the chair down, and sit down. Look, we're all on the same team here, let's just do this time-out thing and get it over with.
[Nicky and Alex give Bronx cheers]
Jesse Katsopolis: Okay, now you've gone too far. I'm trying to be a good guy. Nicky, Alex, you keep those little butts in those chairs and you do not move a muscle until I say it's okay. Do you understand me?
Alex Katsopolis: Mean Daddy.
Jesse Katsopolis: Mean Daddy.
Jesse Katsopolis: Mean Daddy?
Alex Katsopolis: Mean Daddy.


"Full House: Blast from the Past (#2.19)" (1989)
Danny Tanner: Jesse, I am about to make you a very happy man. According to your short form, you were getting back a measly... $352 tax refund. But thanks to using the long form, you are now entitled to... Pay the government $48.17.
Jesse Katsopolis: I have to pay? I've been up all night with you. Haven't I paid enough?


"Full House: Stephanie's Wild Ride (#8.9)" (1994)
Jesse Katsopolis: [Playing a video game] Waterfall. Go up! Go up!
Rebecca 'Becky' Donaldson Katsopolis: It's a kayak. It doesn't go up!
Jesse Katsopolis: It's enchanted for crying out loud!


"Full House: Comet's Excellent Adventure (#8.1)" (1994)
Joey Gladstone: They need us down at the radio station right away.
Jesse Katsopolis: What're you talkin' about? We're the Rush-Hour Renegades; what happened to the Lunchtime Lunatics?
Joey Gladstone: Well, they quit; they got in a big argument with the Morning Maniacs over who was gonna fill in for the Weekend Wackos.


"Full House: The Test (#7.15)" (1994)
Jesse Katsopolis: I've always wondered, do you get paid by the letter?
Vanna White: You when they buy a vowel? That money goes to me.
Jesse Katsopolis: Even Y?
Vanna White: Sometimes.


"Full House: Luck Be a Lady: Part 1 (#2.21)" (1989)
Jesse Katsopolis: I just hops she can keep her mind on her work, because this weekend, I'm going to tell Becky three little words that every woman wants to hear.
Joey Gladstone: Honey, I'm wrong.
Jesse Katsopolis: I love you.
Joey Gladstone: Jess, I am so touched!


"Full House: Tanner vs. Gibbler (#2.2)" (1988)
Becky Donaldson: Hi. You must be Jesse, Danny's brother-in-law. Danny's told me about you.
Jesse Katsopolis: Oh yeah? What did he say?
Becky Donaldson: He said he had a brother-in-law named Jesse.


"Full House: Three Men and Another Baby (#3.22)" (1990)
Jesse: [about the baby they're watching] You see cute, I see smelly diapers.


"Full House: Crimes and Michelle's Demeanor (#4.2)" (1990)
Danny Tanner: [After reading Dr. Suess, Michelle is refusing to go to sleep] Don't shake your head. Your story is read. Now, you must go to bed. To bed, I said.
Jesse: Danny, you really gotta cut back on the Dr. Suess.


"Full House: Michelle Rides Again: Part 1 (#8.23)" (1995)
Jesse Katsopolis: Guess what two wacky radio show hosts have an audition for their very own late-night, wacky TV show?
Rebecca 'Becky' Katsopolis: Casey Kasem and Howard Stern?
Jesse Katsopolis: I'll give you a hint: one of them is the father of your children.
Rebecca 'Becky' Katsopolis: Well, I said Howard Stern.


"Full House: Baby Love (#2.16)" (1989)
Becky: Dustin? You would name our child Dustin?
Jesse: Yeah, you got a better name?
Becky: I sure do... Emily!
Jesse: No son of ours is gonna be named Emily!
Becky: Our daughter's name is Emily! Our son's name is Prescott.
Jesse: Prescott? You might as well name him Emily!
Becky: Prescott!
Jesse: Dustin!
Becky: Prescott!
Jesse: Dustin!
Becky: Prescott!
Jesse: Wait... when did we have a kid?


"Full House: Breaking Up Is Hard to Do (in 22 Minutes) (#3.3)" (1989)
Jesse Katsopolis: Michelle, now, you don't want grow up and be selfish like Becky.
[Becky listening in on baby monitor]
Jesse Katsopolis: Next thing you know, you won't wanna go hear your boyfriend sing. I don't know what's gotten into Becky lately, but she's really starting to get on my nerves.
Joey Gladstone: After seven already? I better check that garbage disposal.
[Becky Jumps over counter and turns off disposal]
Jesse Katsopolis: I mean, sometimes she gets so stubborn and pigheaded.
Rebecca Donaldson: [to Joey] Excuse me.
[Runs up stairs with baby monitor]
Jesse Katsopolis: You know, sometimes those things pic up other people's houses.
Jesse Katsopolis: Michelle, why can't Becky just realize your Uncle Jesse is right? I mean, it's so simple...
[hears echo]
Jesse Katsopolis: So simp...
[turns around to see Becky holding up baby monitor]


"Full House: On the Road Again (#8.7)" (1994)
Jocko: Why aren't you in your polka costume?
Jesse: [Imitating Jocko] Why aren't you in Brooklyn?


"Full House: D.J. Tanner's Day Off (#1.22)" (1988)
Jesse Cochran: Joseph and I must deal with your misconduct, young lady! Misconduct? Young lady? I really am turning into my father. If I start wearing a white belt and shoes to match, throw me down the stairs.


"Full House: Working Girl (#4.14)" (1991)
Jesse Katsopolis: [noticing D.J. changed the grade on her science test from an F to an A] I wonder what an A paper sounds like? "Photosynthesis is the process in which photos are synthesized"?